DS bullied by classmate and his mum

(20 Posts)
plisplas Sun 06-Jan-13 23:20:10

My DS is in Y2. Since reception, he has been intimidated and hit by one of his classmates. The other child we believe is SN and has difficulties integrating with the other boys.

DS was told he had to play with this child, and he did not even questioned it. In reception, mum invited herself to two playdates to my house. Mum was, in my opinion very umpleasant to my DS. For instance, when her DS did not want to leave home, she had a go at my DS because her DS did not want to go home.

Both boys went to same afterschool care in Y1. DH witnessed the other child hitting my DS and DH told the staff. That night the mum called us to have a go at my DH for complaining. During Y1 DS was hit and came home with marks in a few occasions.

School eventually intervened and things seemed to improve. Then, the other child's mother sends me a handwritten and hand delivered letter (4 pages) calling me a nasty character and demanding my DS to be friends with hers.

I have totally ignored her since then, but this year I have noticed that she goes to the school gates and if I she doesn't see me, she tries to engage in conversation with my DS.

Then it was her DS's birthday and my DS was invited, my DS said he did not want to go to the party because the other boy would hit him, so I turned down the invitation and gave not reasons. Not happy with my answer, she runs to me at the school gates and demands an explanation about my DS not going to the party. Then, she calls me names in front of my DS.

My DH then witnessed an incident were the mum was telling her child to go to my DS's face and shout at him until he is acknoledged, when DH tries to stop it, he gets called names and this woman complains to school my DH has been abusive.

Appart from this issue, no problems with the school. DS is a bright little boy who every morning wonders if it is going to be the day that he is going to be left alone.

We have been offered a place in a different local school. Would you move? Any advice? Please.

colditz Sun 06-Jan-13 23:21:19

Hell yes I would move!

plisplas Sun 06-Jan-13 23:23:50

thanks, coldtiz, I am just worried that he doesn't know how to make friends and now he has managed one friend in current school (although the other child has decided he wants this friend too!).

Bt13 Mon 07-Jan-13 17:03:13

I wouldn't move him, if he is only having trouble with this one child then why should he be the one to move?

I would speak to the school about the other Mum's behaviour. Let them know that she has been intimidating and encouraging this bullying behaviour on school property and that they need to speak to her.

The school need to step in and stop this. There are strong guidelines in our school that parents don't try to sort out issues themselves as it usually turns nasty, and that all such issues are dealt with via the school.

This is intimidation and harrassment not just of your son but also you, totally unacceptable. Next time she tries it tell her you are going to contact the local police for support, that should stop her ;)

Floggingmolly Tue 08-Jan-13 13:03:15

Why do you think your DS doesn't know how to make friends? That sounds bizarre...

plisplas Tue 08-Jan-13 21:22:01

I guess he has had a tough time with the other child and before we realised what was going on he was hit and intimidated frecuently.It got really bad. to the point that we would just close down and would not be able to talk to other kids in a group.
It was very sad to see.
He is getting better now. We have done lots of role play and created situations where he was able to enjoy the company of other kids, but still, he is worried that they might hit him if he does something they don't like.

simpson Tue 08-Jan-13 21:25:53

This other child could be stopping him from making new friends....

I would move my child in a heart beat in this situation tbh....

Do the current school know the full extent of what is going on???

steppemum Tue 08-Jan-13 21:34:33

you know what although in theory Bt13 is right, I think I would move him.

He will be with this boy every day for the next 5 years. that is a long time, and it is affecting all his relationships in the class. If the school hasn't stepped up to the mark and done anything yet, I am not convinced they will.

Even if they do step in, it is going to be a constant battle for him and the teacher to keep the boundaries in place and give your ds some space to be himself

SanityClause Tue 08-Jan-13 21:40:29

I would move him in a heartbeat. He will make friends at the new school.

But if your DS doesn't want to go to a party, best to make up some plausible excuse - family visiting, tickets booked, that sort of thing.

plisplas Tue 08-Jan-13 21:40:37

It is possible that with the other child interferring it can be dificult to develop new friendships.
To be fair to the school, they have a lot of kids and altough they try to minimize intreaction betweem the boys during lesson time, it is hard to control what happens in the playground.
I am very tempted to move him, but as bt13 said, when that child is the only reason to go...
Thanks a lot for all the replies. It is really helping to make things a bit clearer in my head.

steppemum Wed 09-Jan-13 09:18:30

'other child is the only reason to go'

yes, the other child is driving you out, but on the other hand one big reason is enough to make a move, you don't need to have a whole list. Only you though can judge the impact this child is having on him.
I think you would find that you move him and in 2 months you wonder how you could have ever hesitated

plisplas Thu 10-Jan-13 17:15:11

Stepemum, you are right. It is "just" one reason, but a very big one. The other school is a small one and there is a big sense of community, so hopefully the integration process won't be too painful.

BluelightsAndSirens Thu 10-Jan-13 17:21:39

I would move him and give him the opportunity to start again.

I would also write to the schhol telling them the reason why you are moving and include a copy of the letter she sent. She sounds like she needs help.

BlueberryHill Thu 10-Jan-13 17:22:03

I would move him, assuming that you are happy with the other school. The key thing for me is that they other mum is a large part of the problem and the school are not going to be able to control her behaviour, she sounds as though she will keep egging her son on.

There is no point sticking with a situation that is making your son stressed and dreading going in each day just for a principle, sod it, let him go to school without worrying what will happen to him that day but just looking forward to playing with his friends. (He will make them at a new school.)

FelicityWasSanta Thu 10-Jan-13 17:26:27

I would move him.

Speaking as someone who was bullied throughout primary school it wasn't pleasant. And it didn't matter how 'good' other parts of the school experience was.

If you move him - especially this young, he can totally start again.

If it was me I'd keep him off tomorrow and start him at the new school Monday if you already have a place confirmed.

Gigondas Thu 10-Jan-13 17:32:55

I think moving him especially to somewhere smaller is the best thing. It is unfair but I think you have to do what is best for ds as things clearly aren't going to get better.

Just a thought and don't want to worry you but what if boys mum tries to continue contact (she apparently knows where you live) post move? I would definitely mention to new school about issue (more because of mother behaviour than boys) and also follow up on others suggestions of police reporting if she continues to harass you.

zippey Thu 10-Jan-13 18:02:43

Do the school or police know about the bullying?

MmeLindor Thu 10-Jan-13 18:10:19

I'd report the mum to the police and move him to the other school.

Your DS might do better in a smaller school and it takes him (and you) out of the reach of the other family.

plisplas Thu 10-Jan-13 22:30:31

Thank you very much for the replies.

The other school is very nice. I have been there doing some voluntary work and the staff and the children seem lovely (staff and kids in my current DS school are also lovely, apart from the one that is being a nightmare for us).

Very good point about giving a copy of the letter to the new school. I think I will give a copy to the current school too, so they know how bad this woman can be.

I believe once we are not in the school she will leave us alone (I hope), because there would not be any reason whatsoever for her to talk to us. I just hope that they don't start bullying someone else.

MmeLindor Thu 10-Jan-13 23:16:48

Sounds like a good plan. Definitely let the school know exactly what has been going on so they can keep an eye on her

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