Triangle friendships with a queen bee - any advice?

[Devora]

dd is Y2, just turned 7, and in a dreaded friendship triangle. Every day child X (the queen bee) sets a series of tests for the other two, in order to compete for her friendship/entry to the kitten club (or whatever)/invitation to her birthday party etc. dd is in tears most days, highly anxious, constantly asking for the shoes/toys/holiday that will allow her the keys to the golden kingdom.

I have talked to her, lots, about what friendship is and what it isn't. I have suggested to her many times that she play with other children (she seems fairly popular with other children, but is intensely loyal and besotted with X). I have arranged lots of playdates with child Y, who is in the same position and also often tearful and hurt. I have even (tentatively, tactfully) raised the issue with X's mother, who is a lovely woman and a friend, in the hope of agreeing consistent tactics, but was assured that her little X is a sweet-hearted child (maybe I was too tactful!). I also raised it with the teacher at our parent-teacher meeting, but she wasn't interested.

OK, so I know this is very small potatoes compared to what other children endure in the school playground. But I hate seeing my dd get so distressed and lose her confidence - and worse, I worry that she will come to expect and accept this kind of friendship dynamic. Nothing I'm saying to her is helping her work this through, so I'd really appreciate any advice - perhaps even a referral to a good book on the subject?

[Plyushka]

It's really not small potatoes.

You need the book "Queen Bees and Wannabees" - you'll find it on Amazon. It has a lot of strategies.

It's very very wrong that the teacher isn't interested.

[Plyushka]

This thread looks helpful.

[Devora]

Thank you so much, Plyushka. This thread is quite upsetting reading .

I will read that book, and talk again to the teacher. I found her rather dismissive first time I tried, and I was put off because all she seemed to want to do was to gossip about other parents and even the children. But I'll try again.

[Plyushka]

She doesn't sound the right person to speak to, though. If she likes gossiping inappropriately, she is probably the bullying type herself. Can you go to the head?

I will lay bets on the teacher who gossips using the phrase "Girls will be girls".

[Devora]

You're right, Plyushka. She's nice to my dd, but some of the other parents are complaining that she can be quite unkind to those that are not her favourites.

I was really shocked by her indiscretion - telling me personal stuff about other mothers, and naming the 'problem children'. So no, she's not really the motherly, tender-hearted type.

I might talk to the TA. She seems like a really nice woman, and she's known my dd for a long time.

[MrsBradleyJames]

oh my goodness the teacher sounds awful. I agree that it needs to be raised again with school, but I think the TA will have limited ability to do anything about it, unless the teacher is willing to have her take this on as an issue.
When you get this issue sorted, please raise with the Head what the teacher has done in terms of gossiping inappopriately - it's SO unprofessional that it's an indication things could be seriously wrong with the way that she's working. The Head will (should) be extremely grateful to you for raising it. Good luck with it all. Your poor DD should simply not have to be so anxious in school x

[Plyushka]

Hmmmmm...I would get the bullying sorted out first, tbh. I'd also be concerned that the Head probably appointed the teacher, so criticism of the teacher could be seen as criticism of the Head. I dunno, I may be wrong, but I wouldn't want to be seen to be complaining about too much at once. Just my view, though.

[Chottie]

This is awful, you are right to follow it up. The teacher sounds completely out of order, I wonder what she is saying to the other parents about you and your daughter?!?

[MrsBradleyJames]

I agree plyushka, my message above says 'when you get this issue sorted'....etc

Unprofessional conduct needs raising with the Head. No even half-professional head would take it as a personal slight! Also, teachers aren't appointed just by the Head, anyway, there is usually a panel.

Of course you want to deal with your child's issue first but the teacher's behaviour shouldn't be ignored imho.

[Devora]

It's not the point of this thread, but FWIW I was quite upset by her gossiping. The children she named are good kids - one is fully statemented, the other I suspect may be SEN but his mother has never told me so and that is of course her right. Neither of them are horrible children, the statemented one is a little sweetheart. I wanted to say, "They are not problems, they are part of the continuum of ability that it is your job to teach." But of course I didn't dare because I need her on-side for my child

Anyway, it leaves me slightly stumped because the Head is rather inaccessible and I worry about how teacher will take it if i go over her head.

[Plyushka]

Sorry, MrsB, did not read your post carefully enough.

Devora, how about asking the Head for the school's Anti-Bullying Policy? They have to have one. Usually in a dusty file somewhere.

[Biscuitsneeded]

This triangulation thing happened to my son in reception. He did have a very good and experienced teacher who raised the issue with me at parents' evening just as I was about to raise it myself. We agreed that she would consistently put my son in groups away from the other two children (because they would fall out with each other, use my son as a make-do friend until they patched it up and then exclude him/be unkind again), ask him to lead the class to lunch with another child so that he didn't get left with his two tormentors, monitor playtimes etc. At the same time I made a big point of inviting other children to play so that there were alternatives with whom he felt safe. The 2 kids in question are not really nasty - just very big characters with some insecurities. Over time my DS made other friends and is now a pretty happy chap, part of a big gang of friends. The original 2 children are also in the gang but he is closer to one or two others. It's all worked out well. I did talk to him lots about not having to do what X and Y told him to, about friends are kind to each other and so on, but in the end just time and exposure to other children helped most. Can you get you daughter to do brownies/ballet/drama/sport with another child and nurture an alternative friendship that way?

[Biscuitsneeded]

This triangulation thing happened to my son in reception. He did have a very good and experienced teacher who raised the issue with me at parents' evening just as I was about to raise it myself. We agreed that she would consistently put my son in groups away from the other two children (because they would fall out with each other, use my son as a make-do friend until they patched it up and then exclude him/be unkind again), ask him to lead the class to lunch with another child so that he didn't get left with his two tormentors, monitor playtimes etc. At the same time I made a big point of inviting other children to play so that there were alternatives with whom he felt safe. The 2 kids in question are not really nasty - just very big characters with some insecurities. Over time my DS made other friends and is now a pretty happy chap, part of a big gang of friends. The original 2 children are also in the gang but he is closer to one or two others. It's all worked out well. I did talk to him lots about not having to do what X and Y told him to, about friends are kind to each other and so on, but in the end just time and exposure to other children helped most. Can you get you daughter to do brownies/ballet/drama/sport with another child and nurture an alternative friendship that way?

[DorisIsWaiting]

My dd became a "sidekick" for want of a better word to another Queen Bee. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING QB said was taken as the gospel truth despite me knowing absolutely it was not true.

We suggested to dd that ist was not healthy to always play with one child (she got upset when QB wouldn't let her choose what games they could play). We set her a challenge for which she got rewarded at home if she played with other children at least 3 days of the week she achieved her super spy mission and had a treat at home (computer time etc). It was a secret mission as we didn't want to be unkind to her friend but equally she needed to develop other friendships (one of her complaints was that she didn't have any other friends). It was complicated by the fact the QB's mum was also a friend. This year she is not in the same groups as the QB so she is playing more and more with other girls (and boys) she still plays with QB but now will happily walk away if she does not want to play the game.

[buildingmycorestrength]

I had this with my dad in reception.

The teacher took me semi seriously, although didn't quite grasp the extent of the queen bee's manipulative tactics. I asked for meetings every week and a written plan of action, as well as concrete tactics for my child (if this happens, say this, then go tell this specific teacher) and consequences for the queen bee for certain behaviours.

They took me more seriously when I didn't let it go. Never got at written plan but all the tactics helped enormously. It is all fine now, they just don't play together much.

[buildingmycorestrength]

My dd! Not my dad!

[Kenlee]

I had this happen to my daughter in Primary 4. I explained to her that she wasnt a maid in waiting. She left the group and started another group with the then not so in children. They even had a charter written out where they agreed that they will not bully or let the others bully them.


The funny thing was every time a wannabee feel out with Queen bee she was accepted into the group no matter how horrid she had been. Eventually the Queen bee stood alone.

Then the group was reported for bullying as she was not allowed in on a unanimous vote.

Parents should take an active role because it is your child.