hi I'm worried about my DD, she's in reception, her twin is in another class at same school, she tends to be more outgoing than her brother but was really upset when they were put in different classes and took longer to settle. I mentioned to the teaching assistant that she knew one girl in her class from nursery who was also having problems settling as she was very shy, so the teacher encouraged them to be friends as did I and the other girls mum, lots of playdates etc. The problem is now the little girl is telling my daughter not to play with anyone else, critising her clothes, her handwriting and also shouting at my DD, my little one has been tearful at times saying that she wants to play with someone else. I feel really sad and guilty because I initially said I'm sure she doesn't mean it etc. But then two things happened her cousin in yr 2 told me that my DD's friend shouting at her at playtime and making her cry also the teacher called me in yesterday and said that she had separated them as the girl was shouting at my DD and had taken some things from her, she said she was going to talk to the other mum and make them play apart, and that I should give my DD lots of extra cuddles. My question is how do I support my DD? Should I distance myself from the other mum as we have become quite friendly, I feel really upset that I thought my daughter was exaggerating as shes normally quite confident and the other little girl appears sweet and quite, but according to teaching assistant she's been really unpleasant to my daughter, although she has experienced a bit of upheaval at home recently.
I think avoiding this child is not helping both children in dealing with situations which may cause them upset. They will come across many situations throughout their school/home/social life which they need to be able to deal with and avoiding the situation is sending the message that it is something they can not deal with and to be bothered about. Continued playing time together will allow her mum to show her what is acceptable behaviour with your DD but also put your DD's mind at ease that she can play nicely with her, so relieving anxieties. With you being there, if her friend does show behaviours which are unacceptable you can support your child with being assertive and give her a bank of statements she can say to the other child in response. Encourage your child to say positive things to her friend as she may be jealous of her, but with a few kind words, it may make her feel worthy of your DD's attention. You could also discuss how it feels to say nice things and make sure you set this example with the other mother (you may feel silly at first but children notice). If they hear you giving compliments (not just about what they are wearing/hair etc) then they are more inclined to themselves. With both parents there you can both support their social learning rather than avoiding situations, the children will learn how to deal with these situations or how to play well with others. They can use these skills next time they come across a social difficulty like this.