Is my DD being bullied or is she paranoid?

[marykat2004]

I am slightly cross-posting from mental health, as we have other problems, but I wanted to ask about the bullying issue on this board, too.

My 7 year old, in year 2, claims she is being bullied. She says the children at school are 'mean' to her.

I have met with teachers, assistants and playground wardens. All they said was that DD goes on the 'friendship bench' (where kids go when they have no one to play with) because my DD is actually quite bossy, and goes into a sulk when other children don't do exactly what she wants to do. I have seen this behaviour, and not at all encouraged it, but how much are parents meant to interfere with children playing together?

Today we went to an ice skating party with her classmates. DD was scared of the ice. Some other children offered to help. Rather than politely refuse, DD screamed "NO!!!!" at the top of her voice. It was shocking. I apologised on her behalf as DD was clearly too upset to apologise. The little girl looked very shocked. I can't imagine this girl shouting at DD that way.

Can I really question this bullying that my child is claiming is going on? Were the children nice today because I was there to see what happened? Or does DD isolate herself the way she did today, then come home crying that the other children are being "mean" to her? If a child is sulking on a bench and scream "NO!!!" when you approach her, surely of course no one will want to play with her.

ARGH. I am at my wits end. Don't know what to think or do.

[LadySybilDeChocolate]

Hmm. She may feel as though people are being horrible to her because she's not getting her own way. I'd try some role play with her. There's also a great book that I've recommended on here hundreds of times a lot, called the Unwritten Rules of Friendship. Another MNter recommended it to me yonks ago and I found it very useful. I think there's a 'bossy child' section which will really help.

[pictish]

Gosh this is just like my friend's dd at about the same age. She was one of the older kids in her class and mature compared to some others. What a bossy madam she used to be....and the other kids used to get fed up with her dictating all the time and sometimes refused to play with her.
Then of course, she would be upset, as she wasn't quite mature enough yet, to understand that taking over and snapping at people when they didn't obey her orders, was very offputting.

I'm glad to say she did grow out of it and wise up - she's now a lovely 10 year old with no problems at school.

[marykat2004]

Thank you. Exactly: "She may feel as though people are being horrible to her because she's not getting her own way." I am accused of being mean because I make her go to bed.

I have an awful attention spam for reading books, probably due to too much time online, but I just checked that title on Amazon and it has very good reviews, saying it's easy reading.

[LadySybilDeChocolate]

It's a great book. I wouldn't recommend something that I didn't like/doesn't work. You can read it bit by bit. It has some great role play suggestions and will help children see the other side of their behaviour. The teachers would always complain about ds, how he had 'been naughty and had annoyed the other children.' I'd tell ds off but he'd just be oblivious as to what he'd done. It took ages to find out what he was doing, which was constantly asking them to play as he thought they would change their mind. Once it was explained to him he was so much happier (and no complaints from the teachers). It can be a hard world for some children to understand sometimes.

[DeWe]

My dd2 could be like that in year 2. She's also a little drama queen so person A walks past her and accidently gently brushes her arm so she drops something in the morning. By home time she's telling me that person A pushed her hard deliberately to make her drop it. By the second telling person B and C are also pushing her and person A is always doing it. By the third telling the whole class could be involved.

If all the teachers, assistants and lunch people are saying the same thing, then unless I had evidence, I'd believe them.

What I did find helpful was when she came out with these little gems of imagination, was to have a couple of friends who would subtly see what their child had to say about it. I could ask them, and they'd come back with their child said "person A tripped and fell into dd2 in the cloakroom. It was an accident".

I used to offer minor sympathy and move on with her. Sometimes I could see that she had caused the problem, in which case I'd talk it through with her, how to be a better friend.

[tree568]

To the OP, I know your wee lassie is only 7, but how about asking her what she wants to do about it? Your daughter sounds like my children, both of whom have a strong sense of justice. So they are willing to listen, provided they are also listened to. It sounds like the group she is in hasn't yet reached that level of give and take maturity. I can understand how she gets frustrated. I found the best antidote was to involve them in activities outside the school, where they could make their own friends free of interference from other children at the school.

[thisisyesterday]

sounds like my eldest son. he has ASD though and really struggles in social situations so he thinks he is being excluded when he isn't.

i wouldn't say it's bullying from what you've described, but i would maybe speak to the school and ask what they can do to help get her playing with her peers

[Emmaroos]

Is she an eldest or only child? They are often less skilled at 'fitting in' for obvious reasons. I think it calls for some self-awareness therapy for your daughter, even if that just comes in the form of chatting to you or her teacher about it. Kids often don't understand that their behaviour patterns are that different and irritating for everyone else. Until she understands what she can do differently to avoid alienating her classmates the situation won't improve. I was shockingly bossy as a child. I still am, but I've learned to consciously keep a lid on my bossy control-freak tendencies over the years!