Teasing

[muriel76]

I hope it is okay to post this in this section as it is a pretty minor problem compared to most of the ones on here and I really would like some sensible advice.

My oldest child is DS1 aged 7 in year three. He has not wanted to go back to school this morning (following half term) cos he says a boy in the year above is calling him names when they play football.

This child is in DS1's mixed class and was a bit unpleasant to him in year one when they were also in the same class - giving him wedgies etc - so my heart did sink a bit when DS1 said this to me.

I told him to ignore everything that this kid says and the fact that my son sometimes cries is the reaction the other kid is looking for. So I said walk away, pretend not to care and he will soon get bored.

Anyway school was ok today after all the fuss spoiling half term but tonight I have dropped DS1 off at his club and literally the first thing that happened as we arrived was another boy (not the one from school) running up to DS1 and saying a teasing comment (too pathetic to repeat) over and over again. Ds1 was flustered but not overly upset, I have left him there happily playing.

However I myself am fuming. I know I am over reacting but it made me so angry. With him being my eldest I have never dealt with this kind of thing before, and really need some advice. I hate the thought of him being 'got at' regularly, my older sister was bullied and I would say even now it still has a lasting effect.

I drove home thinking up all sorts of clever put downs and also debating whether to tell DS1 to give both boys a thump as they are both smaller than him, which I know would be plain silly.

What is the best approach? Tell him to ignore it and see how it goes? Suggest he answers back? Thing is that he has had articulation difficulties in the past so he would never win a verbal argument, he just can't get the words out properly.

Thanks if you have read this far and any advice so appreciated.

[prettyone]

It is horrid when your child is unhappy because of other children.
I would suggest you talk and have a chat to his teacher about Ds being unhappy at school.
Ask and find out if the teachers have noticed anything. They maybe able to reasure you if there is no real problem. Also they will keep an eye on both of them
As for the child at the after school club, you said your son was flustered, did he ignore the boy? If he did , then praise him for it! eg " I was proud of how you ignored that boy when he said those silly things."
Hope this has helped! Good luck.

[JamieLeeCurtis]

I would also suggest you talk to the teacher.

DS1 suffered from this kind of teasing and put-downs in year 3, although looking back I think it had been going on for a lot longer. It wasn't until I went on a school trip with the class and saw how one particular boy was with him, that I realised I had to do something about it.

Someone on here recommended a book called "Bullies Bigmouths and So-Called Friends", and it helped me to get clear in my mind that what was going on was not acceptable. You are right that bullies tend to persist woth teasing those who react strongly, but that does not make it your son's fault, it makes it his problem, and that is not fair.

The school dealt very well with it - my son saw a Learning Mentor to chat to whenever he felt down, and he, the boy who was bullying him, and others took part in a "Friendship" group. Children who tease and bully always have their own issues, and in this case, I think those were jealousy, and very strict parents meaning he felt the need to dominate others at school. The group sorted out the problem - helped him see my son as a person with feelings. I think it helped the bully and my son be happier.

However, I think because I didn't intervene earlier, it has left a legacy of my son having poor self-esteem - and believing some of the things this boy and others said about him. The trouble is, that once someone is seen as a target, the dynamic of the group changes and the whole thing gets re-inforced (IME, children rarely stand up for each other at this age for fear of becoming a target themselves, and sometimes even nice DCs join in).

Hope this helps. I know how angry and helpless this makes you feel, but if you take action it will feel much better

[JamieLeeCurtis]

... just to add. If someone says something teasing to your DS in front of you, it is perfectly OK to pick him up on it. They are 7, not 15

[muriel76]

Thanks so much for your replies, I do really appreciate it.

He has come home happy and without incident today and yesterday but I am poised to talk to the teacher following the advice you have given.

I must say JLC your school sounds like they dealt very well with your son's situation. I really like the sound of the friendship group.

I'm very sorry to hear that you feel it continues to affect your boy. I even remember how it felt at school to want to stick up for someone but feeling too scared (and it was YEARS ago!) so I know it must be really hard to stand up for someone and speak out.

[JamieLeeCurtis]

The school has been good. I found it hard to go initially because I feared they would say - it's just teasing, he'll have to get on with it.

Things are looking up with DS1 - he has started playing football in the playground, which he would never do before because he'd decided he was just rubbish. He is starting to realise that those who dominated in the past have their "weaknesses" - for instance, they now do swimming at school and some of the boys cannot swim. He remarked on this only today - and said "but I wouldn't ever tease them about it" Bless.

[JamieLeeCurtis]

Good luck, BTW.

[Toadinthehole]

@Muriel76

I think that teasing is not a minor problem, and so you should not feel diffident about raising it with the school.

As a boy I was physically knocked about at school, but actually it was the teasing that really hurt. Although now I work in quite a high-pressure environment, I do still feel insecure about myself, and I do ascribe this to what happened at my school.

A bit of ragging between friends is perfectly healthy. But when the receipient doesn't want it, it needs to stop. In my school, teasing was used even by the boys (ie, not just the girls as is commonly thought to be the case) to establish pecking orders, and an inability to cope with it resulted in being at the bottom of the heap, which often resulted in physical bullying as well.

[muriel76]

Sorry I have only just picked up on these replies, thank you very much for your advice and sharing your experiences.

DS1 has been ok the last few days but I am really ready to nip this in the bud if it carries on.

Thanks again x

[prettybird]

You really should take it up with both the school and the Out of School Care. They both have a duty to deal with it. Initially it may just be a case of watching and generally being cognisant that there might be an issue - but if they don't know, it is much more difficult for them to deal with.

This has happened in the past with ds (I have talked on here in the past about how well the school dealt with it), who was 5 at the time - intially at the Out of School Club but we also raised it with the school, as all the kids went there (in fact, one of the boys involved was supposedly one of his close school friends). The school dealt with it brilliantly.

Ds is now 10 and although it still occurs at a low level from time to time (there was a recent escalation), he has learnt to be friends with who he wants to be friends with and to not let the "gang" get to him: to the extent that dh has seen other kids going to him for advice as to how to deal with the main "offender" (who, ironically, is fine on a 1:1 basis). The school also keeps a close eye on it.