Oh, are you feeding her AGAIN?

(35 Posts)
KikiShack Thu 26-Dec-13 20:19:25

At in laws for Xmas.
'are you feeding her again already'?
'no wonder she makes so many nappies you put so much in the top end' (5th of the day at 8pm)
'leave her be' (while on Mil lap frantically chewing her hands, sticking tongue out and crying)
'why don't you try her on some baby rice to fill the gap?'

DD is 11 weeks old and EBF. Yes she is very big (17lbs or more by now) but she is fed ON DEMAND, and she's my baby and I judge when she's hungry. No a cuddle with grandad is not more important than DD knowing her mum will answer her needs.
And I have oversupply and need to feed little and often as she can't cope with milk from an engorged breast.
FFS, DPIL want me to feed for 5 mins about every 4 hours!!

DD feeds for about 2hrs 45 each day, feeds normally 10 mins and about once every 90 mins. (bit more in day, big one before bed then goes 3-5 hour bursts at night).

Anyone else feeling judged at xmas?

junemami Thu 26-Dec-13 20:25:46

Sounds like you're doing great. Ignore the comments, don't engage with them,, you don't need to justify how you feed your baby! Just don't bite your tongue too hard grin

ouryve Thu 26-Dec-13 20:26:22

DPIL come from a time when babies were fed to a schedule, and breast feeding was sneered at by many as unnecessary (and probably failed for many of those who tried because supply wasn't established)

It's hard, but ignore them.

bluebell234 Thu 26-Dec-13 20:30:19

she is saying like that because she is after your help, if you spend less time on feeding you will have more time to help her, you will be more available.

KikiShack Thu 26-Dec-13 20:33:25

bluebell

goodbyeyellowbrickroad Thu 26-Dec-13 20:35:34

Ignore, ignore, ignore! You're doing a great job. What has your DP/DH said to his DPs?

bluebell234 Thu 26-Dec-13 20:39:33

I meant I am with you KikiShack, ignore her.

NumNumChristmasPudInMyTum Thu 26-Dec-13 20:43:06

Yes,was just about to start a thread when I saw yours. Different in that my son is 13 months old and eats three small meals a day, but he still needs and more importantly, wants to breastfeed mid morning, late afternoon and in the evening. I have had more than enough comments about it. Apparently I can sort out his feeding and sleeping issues in a week, it's just like training a puppy.

satsumagirl Thu 26-Dec-13 20:49:06

You are doing ace work with the breastfeeding. Looks like you know exactly what your baby needs and have got a great pattern going on grin. Ignore the in laws and eat more Christmas cake!

StarsUponThars Thu 26-Dec-13 20:49:20

Gah, I remember this.

I wish I'd said 'Yes, fuck off because he's a baby. Would you rather that I didn't feed your grandson when he needs to be fed?'.

Honestly, I'm sure that most people can't even remember what they did when their babies were little.

KikiShack Thu 26-Dec-13 20:49:40

you might be right bluebell!! DP and I have decided that since I've been run ragged for the last 11 weeks I'm allowed to put my feet up and have people wait on me. DPIL are you passive aggressive to say anything directly disapproving, and we are at SILs so there are 5 adults to share the non-bfing tasks. I am enjoying my lovely holiday and will send SIL flowers to thank her for spoiling me as she has been genuinely lovely.
Thankfully DP has agreed to have a quiet word with his parents and tell them to butt out. I'm very lucky...

YokoUhOh Thu 26-Dec-13 20:52:59

I had the exact same problem with PILs. Am dreading visiting them tomorrow as I know they'll object to me still bfeeding 13mo DS. I think we're just too earth-mother-ish for that generation (in their eyes; obviously we know we're doing exactly the right thing!). OP, make sure your DH backs you up!

YokoUhOh Thu 26-Dec-13 20:54:28

Ah, x-posted! Well done your DH! smile

Sunnysummer Thu 26-Dec-13 20:55:17

Ask them how often they've been eating and drinking over the course of the day... Bet it's more than 5 times! People forget how much feeding is needed, best to ignore, but it sucks in the meantime hmm

booface Thu 26-Dec-13 20:57:13

Oh I do feel for you. My grand mother in law used to say the exact same thing, as she drank a hot cup of tea over my baby's head saying "I had six children and they never came to any harm" . I feel your pain and this was a good few years ago.

Grit your teeth and hang in there!

ToffeeWhirl Thu 26-Dec-13 21:04:34

Oh, I remember this happening to me too. Your in laws don't know what they're talking about, but I doubt that they'll listen to you if you try to tell them. Just do your best to ignore them. And good for DH to have a quiet word.

I remember my stepmum (who never had children of her own) saying, "Let him cry!" when my newborn baby started crying for food. Luckily, I had the HV with me at the time and she said sternly, "That baby's hungry!" and gave him to me. Stepmum shut up. (She still thinks she is an expert on childrearing though hmm).

And yes, of course you are allowed to 'put your feet up'. Looking after a baby is really hard work. Congratulations on your new baby, by the way [broody emoticon] [but relieved the sleepless nights are behind me emoticon].

WhateverLove Thu 26-Dec-13 21:42:13

Massively judged, not just at Christmas! I feel your pain xx

callamia Thu 26-Dec-13 21:51:25

I'm currently in bed with my frantically cluster feeding eleven week old (typing left handed). My parents in law haven't really said anything about my son's love of feeding, but I think they think I'm a bit of a martyr to it (MiL formula fed her babies, and her daughter the same).

I'm not bothered, we all operate a live and let live policy, but I'm sure they think that I'm spoiling him or making my own life hard or something. I'm not, of course, it's quite nice to spend a hour or so in bed eating trifle smile

Congrats too on your epic baby! Mine is around 15lbs, and that seems yo be a great source of joy to everyone (no wonder he's so chubby etc etc). Happy Christmas!

BocaDeTrucha Thu 26-Dec-13 22:41:25

Oh yep, i just kept getting the "what time is his next feed?" question from Mil. "when he's hungry" was my reply each time.

Sid77 Thu 26-Dec-13 23:07:54

Fil - how long is he going between feeds now Sid?
Sid - well, as long as he wants really!
Fil - puzzled expression confused

KikiShack Thu 26-Dec-13 23:59:45

Good to know others feel my pain! Congrats on your babies, it's magical to have a new baby at Christmas but this is a definite downside I hadn't anticipated.
With DD in an unknown house with bright twinkly lights, unfamiliar faces, smells and noises, two dogs peering into and even licking her face occasionally, plus sleeping in an unfamiliar travel cot in a new room at a different temperature from normal I'm amazed she will leave my arms at all or do any sleeping! What a huge upheaval for her.
I'm really glad we brought her playmat and have some kind of a bedtime routine with the same songs etc so she has a few familiar things to keep her happy.

SpoonfulOfJam Fri 27-Dec-13 12:53:17

Aargh... visiting relatives yesterday, the aunt (by marriage) who thought she could soothe my screaming baby by shoving a dummy in his mouth rather than letting me feed him. telling me I should put him on hungry baby formula rather than breast milk.

Ohhnoooo Fri 27-Dec-13 14:05:13

I could have written this. Same here. In laws are visiting. I'm feeding my seven week old on demand. This is the killer though, she is gaining weight rapidly and feeds very well but because they can't share in feeding it has been suggested that perhaps my milk isn't enough ( as shock horror she sometimes cries) and I should introduce formula!!? I may well do in the future as I am not that evangelical about EBF but for them to suggest it at this stage for no reason is just shocking!!! Fortunately DH has my back...

My mother was the same also. Amazing how every family member not only has an opinion but has to give it without being asked!

Sunflower1985 Sat 28-Dec-13 02:30:35

Argh, every time I fed ds over Xmas BIL had to make a comment. This whole 'when is he due a feed' thing over and over again. Demand feeding seems so natural, be it bf or ff, yet seems to confound so many people.

BetterWithCranberryWensleydale Sat 28-Dec-13 03:26:26

My MIL said some sky things when my DS was very young - for example she had him and he started fussing, I said "I think he's hungry" she said to him "noooo, you never get a chance to be hungry, do you" while walking away from me. I found this very passive-aggressive as she didn't say it to me directly. He was hungry though and she did concede this pretty quickly when he wouldn't settle for her. It's weird though as she did BF all her children confused.

Nectarines Sat 28-Dec-13 03:42:17

(Seizing the opportunity to rant)

My beautiful 11 week old dd is a happy little soul. She rarely cries for any reason other than hunger. I have made this fact well known to all family and friends in regular contact with her. Yet... a few relatives insist in sticking their fucking fingers in her mouth then saying oh yes I think she's hungry. Yes. I know she's hungry. Get your germ ridden hands away from her mouth ffs!

While I'm at it, I have nothing against the use of dummies, but they are not right for my daughter. She doesn't need one. She cries to tell me she's hungry therefore I don't want to attempt to silence her with a bloody dummy. I'm so so sick if being asked 'when will she get a dummy?' and hailing dummy as some kind of magical cry stopper that I may take said dummy mans shove it into said relative's mouth every time they feel hungry. Arses!

We know out babies. Other people, no matter how well meaning, should butt out. (And take their interfering fingers with them)

Lavenderhoney Sat 28-Dec-13 04:54:14

Ignore themsmile

My ds was huge and I had loads of milk, bf all the time on demand, didn't use a dummy - I just fed him, or cuddled him, why make him wait?

11 weeks is still very young, of course your baby prefers yousmile and no fingers in mouths! Clearly the baby is hungry or needs to suck to feel secure and safe ( noises, strange voices)

my mil didn't want me bf anyway, she fussed about weight if baby - why wasn't I weighing before and after feeding? Er why? He is hungry, he feeds, he sleeps, he grows... She was actually after having him overnight ASAP so all her advice was skewed for her benefit not the baby.

Luckily dh told her to leave me alone. And pil. They were really fed up with me breast feeding a newborn at 8.00pm sharp - dinner time and said he was trying to be boss and should be left to cry. He did actually feed at 2-4 hourly intervals on the dot, so 8.00 pm was a prime timesmile

But no, mil said newborns needed to know who was boss. They weren't allowed to stay when I had ddsmile

threetogo Sat 28-Dec-13 14:00:14

Oh, loving this thread, I had exactly the same from MIL and felt judged when dd 7wo cried at their house (most of the time that she didn't have my boob mind you).

I didn't have any comeback to the 'you should give her a bottle, I don't know how you can stick that crying'?

CIN3ATON Sat 28-Dec-13 15:26:30

My MiL tried to report me to social services as she thought that exclusively breastfeeding for the first 6 months was cruel. Obviously they put her right but she still goes on about it now.

Feel your pain! MiLs from hell!!

I asked mine when they last had a burger / drink/ crisps (we were at a summer BBQ, it was roasting). Since they had something in their hand, they shut up pretty smartish.

Knit2togtbl Sat 28-Dec-13 15:41:53

OP I got the same from DM when DS (EBF) was little.
They're not being horrible, they just come from a generation of 4 hourly feeds and early weaning. It's a lack of understanding.
Mum said later that she was encouraged to give up breast feeding as she "didn't have enough milk" and after seeing me stick at it she wished she had been given proper information to keep going. I think she was quite sad about it.

PurplePidjin Sat 28-Dec-13 15:44:15

Track their day, i had to... Something like

7:30am breakfast
11am cup of coffee
1pm lunch
3:30pm cup of tea
6:30pm dinner
8:30pm evening coffee

Plus water/juice/squash any time they feel thirsty. They don't go more than 4 hours without a drink or food, why deny a tiny helpless baby the same things?

KikiShack Sat 28-Dec-13 19:09:41

The point about adults eating and drinking a lot more often than just the 3 official meal times is a really good one, I'll remember that and use it in future.
And my MIL proudly tells me how she fed my DP until he was 2 and she loved the special closeness of bf, and he was fed on demand. So errr why aren't I allowed to do the same? I know she and FIL would have been horrified if their in laws had interfered, they don't seem to consider that I might find their interference annoying too...

bluebell234 Sun 29-Dec-13 06:00:58

I think some people forget what they had been through easily and lose their empathy, or they prefer to do so.

OhPuddleducks Sun 29-Dec-13 06:21:39

Just had this at a wedding FROM A STRANGER! Seriously, how cheeky do you have to be to say that to someone you've never met before? Can't even use the generation theory - it was a man in his thirties. His wife (who I only vaguely know) was busy telling anyone who commented on how well behaved DS wad being (and he being bloody good) that it was only because I was "shoving hi on my tit" anytime it looked like he might cry. I just said "er, yes, he's eight weeks old and a snacker." Should have said "oh, sorry for meeting his needs. I'll let him cry it out next time. Would you like a cuddle with him when I do?"

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