I just can't do this any more.

(28 Posts)
DaleyBump Sun 08-Dec-13 20:08:27

I've been bf my son who was born on the 29th of November. I hate it so much. He isn't taking to it at all, he's only fed properly once today with little feeds in between. Last night he was up all night showing hunger signs but would only latch for two minutes then pull away. I would try to latch him again and he would just open his mouth really wide and shake his head side to side violently so I can hardly get my nipple in his mouth. When I manage to latch him again it starts all over again. I'm in bits, I feel like such a failure, I can't even feed my son. I'm going to get some formula just now but I'm so upset about it. I have no idea what I want from this post.

Featherbag Sun 08-Dec-13 20:12:06

Ah honey, don't beat yourself up! Have you gotten any proper support? If not, you could call the bf helpline, they might have some suggestions of advice?

diddlediddledumpling Sun 08-Dec-13 20:13:03

It's not easy, don't beat yourself up. He's had a great start, and you're bound to be exhausted.
You can still continue to breast feed along with formula, or you can switch to bottle feeds completely. He'll be fine either way.
I bottle fed first one, breast fed second two. Result is three healthy kids.

rosiedays Sun 08-Dec-13 20:14:22

Big hug and deep breath.
Are you getting support from anywhere? If you're fried tonight let someone else feed him some formula and get some rest. Tomorrow morning call hv and ask for help. One or two bottles will not end bfIif you want to continue once you get some help xx

diddlediddledumpling Sun 08-Dec-13 20:14:30

Having said that, when I was struggling to feed ds3, I found a breast feeding support group to be just brilliant.

christmascakebaby Sun 08-Dec-13 20:15:50

Aw Daley you poor thing, you are NOT a failure AT ALL. Have you had your ds checked for tongue tie? I had very similar sounding problems which turned out to be tongue tie and was successfully treated. How is his weight? Do you have a mw still or HV? Can you call the post natal ward NOW for advice? They may be able to help. How about a local bf group? I did all these, they were very very helpful. Someone more knowledgeable will be along soon. Don't despair, you sound like a lovely mummy.

christmascakebaby Sun 08-Dec-13 20:17:39

Epic cross posting fblush

BikeRunSki Sun 08-Dec-13 20:17:49

I hated bf - I told my midwife so when dd was 2-3 weeks old. She told me that if it was making me unhappy then not to do it. I stopped when DH got back from Tesco with formula.

AmandaCooper Sun 08-Dec-13 20:17:49

Get some real life support. Get the number for your local breastfeeding support group or clinic and give them a call. I went to see the breastfeeding counsellor at our local hospital and she was brilliant she went round the room watching everyone feed and sorted everyone out one by one. Most of us just needed a slight adjustment to what we were doing. I wasn't pulling DS's legs around my body close enough.
The first few weeks are really tough. Are you supported by your partner, family, mum friends?

diddlediddledumpling Sun 08-Dec-13 20:21:27

Having said that, when I was struggling to feed ds3, I found a breast feeding support group to be just brilliant.

diddlediddledumpling Sun 08-Dec-13 20:21:57

Sorry, posted twice.

Featherbag Sun 08-Dec-13 20:26:40

Bf didn't work out for me the first time round for many reasons, but the hardest part was acknowledging to myself that it was causing more problems than it was fixing - I had become obsessed to the point of giving myself PND. I sobbed and sobbed as DH gave the first bottle of formula. But you know what? The world didn't end, DS1 didn't care and neither did anyone else. He's now 2.2 and ridiculously healthy despite being 8 weeks prem, bar a round of bronchiolitis at about a year and the odd very mild cold, he's never really been ill. I found it so hard to stop flogging the dead horse that was bf because no one except DH would tell me it was ok to stop, every HCP I spoke to just suggested even more outlandish ways of trying to get bf going again. Give yourself permission to stop if it's making you unhappy, don't be like I was and let this battle spoil your first few months with your beautiful little boy. He doesn't care how you feed him as long as you feed him somehow, and will still grow up healthy and strong surrounded by love - that's the important thing xx

Find a local breast feeding support group, they can help so much. If you try everything & it still doesn't work then don't beat yourself up about using formula. I tried for miserable 8 weeks with DD1, I was the biggest breastfeeding advocate out there, but DD1 just couldn't latch on. As soon as I switched to formula we were both so much happier, & I could "enjoy" her rather than stressing about feeding. With hindsight I wish I'd done it sooner.

When I had DD2 15 mo later & she latched on straight away I made DH take a photo as I was convinced it would be the only time I managed to properly breastfeed a baby. I looked like total shite so that tells you how desperate I was smile As it turned out she happily breastfed till I weaned her.

They are now 6 & 7 and you cannot tell who was formula fed & who was breastfed. These decisions seem so huge & important at the time, but in the greater scheme of things they aren't. (I'm really not trying to patronise you!).

Happy mum & baby is what you need, do whatever you need to to achieve that. xxx

Awesome cross post with Featherbag, she put it so much better than I did smile

Sunflower1985 Sun 08-Dec-13 20:42:15

I went to see the mw nearly every day for the first week after I bought my ds home with feeding worries. It just was not easy and didn't come naturally, as I had expected and hopes it to do. Reach out for rl help ASAP if you can.
It's not just you.

DaleyBump Sun 08-Dec-13 21:43:15

Thank you so much everyone, sorry I didn't reply sooner but I was sobbing my way round ASDA. How humiliating. He fed in the car park so I'm not so upset just now. I'll look into support groups, I would have gone to one sooner but I've had to wait in for the midwife on the days it's running so I've not been able to go. I've picked up some formula and bottles, we have a sterilizer anyway. Am I missing anything? I have no idea what to do with formula.

mineofuselessinformation Sun 08-Dec-13 21:56:01

Sorry you've had such a rough start. Do seek support. It can make a huge difference.
Fwiw, babies vary too in their breast feeding ability, dc1 was terrible and it took a long time, dc2 took to it like a duck to water.
If you don't want to stop just yet, ask for help. The sooner the better! Good luck.

midori1999 Sun 08-Dec-13 21:56:50

Daley, there are breastfeeding phone lines you can ring if you want some support but can't get to a group yet. Your baby is still very young. Whoever you speak to on the phone lines can listen to you, offer support and help you make a decision about feeding that suits you. They can also explain how breastfeeding works and what to expect if you aren't sure about that. (For example, lots of short feeds and fussing a lot at the breast can be normal for some babies)

The national breastfeeding helpline number is 0300 100 0212

HMT13 Mon 09-Dec-13 10:02:38

I was the same as you Daley. I'm now part expressing and part formula feeding. He's doing great on it and finally stopped feeling awful for 'failing' to breastfeed. I even lied to the mw about breast feeding as I knew she would want me to try again. I was miserable.
Had the hv for the first time last week and came clean. Was ready for a lecture and she just said a happy mum = a happy baby. Felt so relieved. The expressing is a bit of a pain but I want him to have as much breast milk as possible so it's worth it. He loves the formula though too!
Please don't worry. Breastfeeding doesn't work for everyone. But obviously if you want to carry on, a lot of my friends swear by the groups you can go to.

peggyundercrackers Mon 09-Dec-13 10:33:23

you havent failed at all in trying to feed your baby - its the system which has failed as it puts so much pressure on new mums to breast feed that it doesnt really care about mums feelings. not all mums can BF nor can all babies - I found its one of the hardest things to do - no one in the anti-natal groups told me about any of the crap i experienced - it was all glossed over as its BFing, its not that difficult, boob up and baby latches on and thats it - if only it was as easy as that!

you should absolutely not be ashamed you are giving your baby formula, millions of babies grow up perfectly happy and healthy on it.

tiktok Mon 09-Dec-13 11:58:01

Daisy, it's true you are a victim of crap bf support for new mothers.

Here's a plan:

* get real life help from someone TODAY pref someone who can come to your house and spend time with you - bfc, LC, local infant feeding specialist, community midwife
* discuss the possibility of biological nurturing positions, self-attachment positions, feeding in the bath....all these help with hard-to-latch babies
* consider hand expressing or using a pump, to give yourself a break, while someone else feeds him and takes the pressure off you
* you don't have to make a decision today - if breastfeeding is important to you, then you have time to decide what to do about it, when the fog and the mist of distress have cleared
* have someone assess your baby's health and growth to help you decide - if his weight and health are ok, then this might reassure you that despite the difficulty, he is getting what he needs. If it is not, then it might be that an intense period of expressing and feeding more often but effectively is the next step....and you should get help with that

When the dust settles complain about that fact that even at 12 days you were unable to get help on the ground easily, and had to post to a talkboard - this is totally understandable but in a society which should value new mothers, it is totally unacceptable.

Do you have anyone nurturing you - partner, mother?

DaleyBump Mon 09-Dec-13 13:57:08

Thanks for all the advice everyone, we've decided to ff him. He's so much more settled and it's lovely to see. I don't feel so bad about it just now. My tits are killing me but he's happier and I'm much less stressed about it.

Featherbag Mon 09-Dec-13 15:03:54

Good for you - now enjoy him and don't you date feel you have to justify yourself to anyone xx

Featherbag Mon 09-Dec-13 15:04:22

Dare not date!!

BikeRunSki Mon 09-Dec-13 16:18:20

Daley, when I decided to ff my nct leader said to me "there are many ways to nurture a baby; how you feed them is just one". She was so right. I present two happy, healthy and bright ff dc, age 2 and 5. Amongst their peers you would have no idea how each was fed as a baby. Have a lovely time with your baby. In six months time, he'll be on solods anyway.

tiktok Mon 09-Dec-13 17:30:26

Daley, hope all goes well for you smile

SpoonfulOfJam Mon 09-Dec-13 18:54:15

Daley, I remember u from the pregnancy threads. My son was born on 26th Oct and we had some difficulty at the beginning with bf. I thought my baby just needed to be bought near to my nipple and it would all happen naturally. Eventually a midwife showed me how to hold my left breast with left hand, lightly pinch at the nipple so it's more like a dummy. Baby lies across my body held with my right arm. My right hand support his neck and head. When he opens his mouth wide, push his head onto nipple. It does look a bit forceful, but it helps him get a real mouthful. Bf was a two handed job while he was very little, now at 6 weeks I can latch him on then move into a cradling position. Get some professional help, but in the meantime I hope I might have been able to help x

OhPuddleducks Tue 10-Dec-13 01:54:19

Following on from BikeSkiRun, my friend's wise mum says "there are many ways you can screw up your children. How you choose to feed them as babies is not one of them." Enjoy your lovely baby (and maybe express a wee bit off so you're comfy) x

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