DH wants me to stop BF our 6mo...causing arguements.(62 Posts)
Firstly just want to say that BF is going well, DS is putting on over a lb a month and a VERY content little boy! But....This has all come to a head tonight and i'm really upset.
Basically it has come out in an arguement tonight that DH feels left out as a parent due to me BFing our LO.
It all started because I have been out tonight and DH has got himself in a tizz as LO woke up and wanted feeding. I had left a few oz of BM in the fridge but apparently DS drank it all and wanted more so i told DH to give him some formula but by this point, DS was all stressed out so i had to come home after 2 an a half hours. DS ended up drinking formula no problem and was snoring peacefully as i walked through the front door 10 mins later
However this has really stressed DH out (which i can fully understand!) and has left him feeling like he is not important apparently. I quote "i feel like its just you and him that live here and im just a nobody". He has been saying that its about time i stopped feeding him and we just move onto bottles so that he can feed him as an option.
I just want to clarify that i have always been open to Ds having bottles of BM or formula at any time and often ask DH if he wants to feed him
so i can have a break/cuppa tea in peace but he just says that its quicker and easier for me to feed him.
I hae been out twice since Ds was born and so i dont see the point in switching to bottles when DH has him on his own on a one off...but at the same time its killing me to think that he feels so unimportant in his DS' life.
Sorry...such a long one...just wanted to give a little background to the situation.
bf is only part of the parenting equation. It does take time but it's not always interactive time as many sleep & bf at the same moment. Your dh probably wants interaction & this is bathtime, nappy changes and entertainment which is everything else apart from bf. Your milk is helping against colds/infections which means more happy moments for your dh with his son.
I really love bf DS. I feel we both benefit from it so much and i dont want to stop. I have tried so many times to get DH involed in the other things such as bathtimes etc but he just isnt bothered.
Dont get me wrong, he is a great dad, will change nappies, play with him all day long but up until now hasnt seemed interested in feeding side of things and has never said that he felt left out etc until tonight.
I was thinking of asking DH if he could try to do bed times with a bottle a couple of times a week? Do you think thats a good enough response?
I think it sounds like you've TWO babies not just one!
Sorry but I hold no truck with this "I feel left out" crap from grown adults. You say he's not interested in doing all the other parenting duties but BF is an issue? I think he sounds jealous and as though he is trying to get his Own Way on this. I suspect that once Big Baby DH has got his Own Way you'll see a significant decrease in this intense desire to feed his child and you will have stopped BF, somethind both you and your ACTUAL baby ds are getting a lot out of.
Me? I would tell him to STFU and GTFU (that's grow the fuck up) and put his child before his own selfish wishes.
Is someone pressuring him in the family? Why pick on taking over the most time intensive job when he doesn't do anything else. Solid foods are coming soon so perhaps he could hold on a while until this moment & then he can be in charge of this.
He can have that relationship without you giving up breastfeeding.
Your ds already takes a bottle which is great (neither of mine have)
Pick a feed a make that his feed with ds, you can choose to express or give formula. If your ds feeds in the night then he could do one night feed to give you a chance to get more sleep.
Once your ds gets more mobile, he will be able to do more with him too.
This is probably more about him panicking when your ds was hungry and feeling inadequate and helpless. Reassure him that your ds does need him and breastfeeding is not the only way to comfort him. I can remember my DH being stressed when he became the SAHM parent when dd1 was 7 months old. He just had to find his own way of comforting her. For him that meant tucking her inside his dressing gown for a cuddle), singing silly songs, distraction with toys/tv etc...
Show him the benefits for your son and you.
He sounds about 6 TBH.
Can he do the solid meals at weaning?
Hmm I'm afraid I agree with Sgt.
However what I would be tempted to do is just wait a bit. Have a think about what you want to do - if you are happy with bf and don't want to stop then don't. Let him unpick his pants from his crack and calm down, maybe sleep on it. Then talk it through, keep firm to your decision but remind him of the frequent offers to feed and keep an open mind to other compromises to make him feel more involved. His response to this will tell you all you need to know.
It's completely spurious presumption on my part by I reckon he made an argument out of this because he felt a knob for calling you home, maybe he 'failed' by getting all het up. I wonder that he didn't think this baby lark wasn't as hard/tiring as you made out, he couldn't deal & the truth has hit home a bit. It's always easier to make it your fault than mine!
Not at all that this comes from any personal experience with DH and pfb. He was a knob for a week, got told to wobble his head, had a nice chat & he's super awesome at this parenting lark now
I just think he had a stressful time with a baby and reacted to that. God knows looking after your baby and being unable to feed it successfully is horrible for any parent. I would leave the topic for a day or two and return to it when you're both calmer.
I'm afraid I also agree with sgt. Explain that the WHO recommends bm with solids as an addition until one year and to continue bf for at least two.
Ex demanded I stop bf at six months. I told him to stfu. Dc wouldn't take a bottle and formula where we were was the most expensive in Europe.
DC 2 - am still bf at 11 months. DH is involved in bathtimes and nappy changing and is the only one of us who can settle to sleep by cuddling. There is far more to growing a baby than its method of feeding and if bf is going well, why be pressured to quit?
Next time you go out, invest in a few cartons of formula, leave him one of those, a pair of scissors and a pre-sterilised bottle within reach and there's no reason why the poor diddums should feel 'left out'.
I agree with Sgt. He sounds quite immature and I don't think it's insignificant that all of this came to a head the night you were out leaving him at home and in charge. Jealousy is not nice to behold. You could explain it in an older sibling aged about 3, and be patient with it, but in a grown man it is something that he needs to get over.
Your worst case scenario is that you give in to his childishness and stop breastfeeding but he continues to punish you for going out without him or having a social life with friends. Don't think this couldn't happen.
Does he do a lot around the house? Laundry, taking charge of grocery shopping, meal planning and meal prep? Cleaning bathrooms, hoovering, changing nappies, playing with and entertaining the baby? That is what being a parent is all about 90% of the time if you're a mother after all, with feeding realistically taking up relatively little time in the big picture.
Does he complain that he feels left out when you're pushing the hoover around or out bringing home a week's worth of groceries? I am guessing that poor diddums doesn't feel one bit sorry for himself when he sees you bent over the loo either upchucking due to morning sickness or because cleaning it is a job that has fallen to you, but when it comes to one small aspect of mothering that brings you joy and a feeling of being appreciated, to say nothing of the benefits for the baby, suddenly he thinks he's a nobody.
If he sticks to his guns I would insist on Relate if I were you.
I would print off some info from LLL or similar about the very significant lifelong health benefits of breastfeeding, even after 6 months, and ask him to think carefully about whether he wants to deny his child that because he feels "left out". As others have said, there are other ways he can get involved.
Tell him to get a grip, bfing is about what's best for your baby, not what's best for him.
If he's that keen to feed, let him do the weaning. And clear up the mess too
Tell him to get a grip, bfing is about what's best for your baby, not what's best for him.
This . To be fair to him, it does sound like one night and he got stressed, so this may not be how he really feels at all. But the health benefits are known, you're happy, you shouldn't just give up because of one night.
DD was exclusively bf till 6 months, when she started biting at bedtime. We switched to formula for the bedtime feed, and it has become daddy's job to do the bedtime bottle. It is really lovely to see them together, and I can see that it's good daddy/daughter bonding, but we wouldn't have done it just for that
just to save my poor bleeding boobs.
This is going to sound harsh, but I think he wants to do a feed as its an easy way to "participate" in parenting. As in, he can snuggle the baby on the sofa and give a bottle whilst watching football. Doing a bath is a lot more of an effort.
I'd stick to your guns or you'll really resent him.
He could be jealous of you and your baby having such a close time together. Breastfeeding can be such an intimate experience where you and the baby both need each other and he feels left out of that relationship. He may feel he doesn't get as much intimate time with you because you're feeding the baby so often. He may also feel that he's missing out on time with the baby. What about having him give a bottle of expressed milk or formula in the early evening when your milk supply is at its lowest anyway then you can get on with making dinner or having some time to yourself. I don't see why he thinks breastfeeding has to be an all or nothing thing. My DH asked me when I was going to stop breastfeeding our 6-month-old and without even thinking about it I said 18 months, he was a bit surprised. But you've already been through the tough part now. From six months you'll have fewer feeds as solids start to increase, feeds will be quicker, you have a sure fire way to comfort your baby if he's ill, teething, hurt, etc. I hope you'll be able to come to some arrangement that keeps you both happy, and baby too obviously.
Wow thanks for replies. We have discussed this this morning in a more reasonable manner but w still seem to disagree.
He admitted that he was completely out of his depth last night and felt like a failure when he couldnt calm DS down quick enough. He said he was fine until he had to sort the formula out as DS was so so so upset eye gauging (sp?) and all! He was saying.."but youve never had to deal with that situation as you just get boob out". I can understand where he's coming from but i tried to reassure him by saying that ds was fine, slept well rest of the night etc.
I told him im not stopping bf but if he wants to he can start doing bedtime with a bottle if he wants, and he said h
That he would like to. So thats progress.
But then he said about fazing bf out over the nect month whilst weaning!! He thinks i am doing it for my benefit and enjoyment more.
Breastfeeding is not just what's best for your baby- it also lowers your risk of several different types of cancer and for breast and ovarian cancer, these risks are lower the longer you BF. I wonder if your DH realises the health benefits of breastfeeding? Also if you wean now you'll have to buy 6 months' worth of formula milk which will be pretty costly.
Is this definitely about feeling left out of feeding or is there something else going on? Maybe someone has told him they think BF beyond a certain age is wrong or something like that.
But if you stop bfing then there will be more faffing about with formula while the baby cries, not less
Why would he want to make life more difficult just because he's jealous of you being able to fix a crying baby more quickly than him?
Tbh if he cant be bothered picking up other responsibilities such as bathtime, I would not be bothering eeaning your ds off the boob.
Your dh was perfectly capable of pre-preparing a bottle to keep in the fridge incase LO needed it.
Sounds to me like it was a knee jerk reaction from him as he's been in a total tizz due to screaming baby!
I agree with you op that it is silly to stop because of a one off incident and unless DH was going to do a regular stint.
Please don't allow him to bully you into stopping bfing for his satisfaction. When you read how many women on here struggle to bfeed, and are devastated when they can't, it makes me really cross to think that a man would try to stop his wife bfing his baby when it is the best thing for both of them because he is simply too selfish to allow it to continue.
Argh, why isn't my refresh working!
If this is about calming your baby then your DH is able to do it- it just takes more time and more work. Yes, he doesn't have that instant comfort that breastfeeding gives but he can offer comfort another way. He just needs to figure out how.
I still think there is more to this than your DH is letting on.
I would suggest you continue saying he can do bedtime (and bathtime) more often with a bottle - but if you are going to be weaning soon, your DH can get more involved in that, milk will become a smaller part of your DS's diet, food more, that's something your DH can do.
I would suggest as well for next time you go out, you buy some ready made formula cartons and have it ready to go, that means it can be that your Dh will only have a few seconds to sort out.
It sounds like he's panicked because he has left a lot more to you using the excuse of your breast feeding to feel he can't do it, and now he had his first time in charge and it didn't go well. A few nights "in charge" with you downstairs, able to step in to help if need be might be what he needs, to build up his confidence that he can do it.
I think he just panicked. Would your baby drink readymade formula? If so your DH would know next time that he has that as a quick solution. I'm sure the answer isn't for you to stop going out or to stop bf if it's working. In fact I think you should go out more regularly so your DH gets more practice, which will build his confidence.
He's not thinking this through.
I hate this attitude that it's the woman liking the BF that's the problem. Why shouldn't she? Feeding your child is a satisfying, bonding experience, you shouldn't have to apologise or be made to feel bad for enjoying it, you're supposed to! I do wonder how Big Grown Men managed in the days before safe formula when they started feeling left out
I just don't get his reasoning. Let's make ds wait every time he's hungry for formula rather than on the odd occasion that Mum is out?
Formula is absolutely fine but YOU and your ds want to continue to breastfeed. Why on earth does he think HIS wishes should supersede that? Honestly it's ridiculous.
He's just panicked after a bad night.But I think fathers do sometimes feel left out at the beginning,especially when the focus in the relationship changes from him to the baby.
As you are nearly at the weaning stage it will be easier for him to be involved.Pathetic though it sounds my DH was so pleased that I let him give DS1 the first ever spoonful.Once you are weaning your DH can do a lot more.And just wait another few months until DS starts moving and talking.My DS really showed a preference for DH at about 14m despite being EBF and totally dependent on me as a baby.
Don't stop bf because of this,it sounds like it's going really well and in a few months this episode will have been long forgotten.
Tell him you will not be stopping breastfeeding, end of discussion, that is your choice as your babies mother.
His argument makes no sense as your ds will still cry when hungry and waiting for a bottle whether he is breastfed or not.
He can do bedtime feed and one in the night if he wants to help.
He can feed his child new foods when weaning starts.
He can bath, play with, sing to, take his child for walks.
The benefits to breastfeeding continue past one year of age due to increasing immune factors in your milk. Breastfeed for as long as you wish to.
I would not be discussing this more I'm afraid.
He can bathe, change, settle, cuddle and now feed at night if he wants to work on the bond with the baby. If he wants to stop total baby hysteria then he'll have to learn to be prepared.
He lost me when he said you were feeding for your own sake. If he wants to be more involved as a parent a good start is putting the needs of his son first, by growing up.
He going to ban you from the house during toddlerhood when ds only has eyes for mummy?
DH got involved in bf by sitting with us, chatting to the babies when he brought me food or drinks, snuggling with us in bed and doing the fetching, winding and settling of them. It was nicer than the expressed feeds for us because we were together...although we had to get a bigger bed by the time Dc4 got here.
Because he made himself involved there was no issue when I was away. They were already used to him comforting & settling them as well as doing an overnight expressed feed.
He could have told me to stop, to the detriment of his wife and child, I could have told him to fuck right off, didn't have to but he was clear that some things were up to me as the main carer. When he was main carer it was his rules.
I think you are pandering to your 'd'h far too much and he needs to grow the hell up! Your baby is still very young. Breast milk is the ideal major source of nutrition for the first YEAR. If you're happy for baby to have a bottle at bedtime then ok but don't let your husband's need for the attention (because that's what's happening here) deprive your son. So what if you enjoy bfeeding too. Your the child's mother. Enjoying feeding him is nothing to be ashamed of.
Your husband needs to understand that there's more to parenting a child than feeding it.
Looks like I copypasta the whole of Stitches post there!
X post but yeah, that
Also agree with the suggestion for ready made formula cartons to keep in stock in case of "emergency", given your son was happy to drink it - only 69p a go and will provide a quick fix.
I wouldn't go to bottles full time though. I would bet my life savings that you'll end up doing all the washing, sterilising, preparing, and 95% of the feeding, while he has the "option" as he puts it to do a feed
I exclusively breastfed for 7 months (dts are now 8mo) so DH couldn't even bottle feed them as we didn't use bottles or dummy.
So instead DH had kangaroo care with them just before I breast fed. Still does it now after bath time and gives them their learner bottles.
We also did/do it together on a night (where I bf without bottles). He would sit behind me, and stroke dts' heads while I fed them then he would put them down - I also made sure it was a intimate setting i.e quiet and calm.
I think it's great that he's open enough to tell you - maybe when you've asked him, he said no because he felt like he was imposing and felt awkward and maybe he brought up now because he was in a tizzy. Just a theory.
I don't think you should give up breast feeding if it's something you want to do plus it benefits you both. However I don't think you should dismiss him, it's not selfish of him to ask - everyone is selfish at some point. Have you sat and talked about it? Maybe you could come up with a routine near feeding time.
DH and I hate a lot of conversations but communication is the key. Good luck! I hope you sort it out xxx
Can I just not that breast feeding can be seen as selfish too, as you can bottle fed expressed milk to a baby - so the baby is not missing out on nutrients etc. It doesn't need to be formula.
And I can admit that I was. "you're was selfish to breastfed because of the bonding when you could have easily fed them by bottle while doing kangaroo care" Was one of DH's points during our argument.
Just saying; as lots of posts seem to be saying that baby doesn't get nutrients by bottle. Just to put it out there...
when you could have easily fed them by bottle while doing kangaroo care
This has to be one of the strangest things I have read. Selfish to breastfeed when you could have artificially mimicked breastfeeding instead? How odd, and what an utter faff if you're happy with the real deal.
Your DH needs to grow the fuck up. (Based on first post - not read on).
Lots of good points here (maybe you should show DH the thread?!). Just wanted to add that my DH used to feel left out at times when DS was small - never urged me to stop bf though. He had a few horrible stressful evenings when I attempted a night out and DS screamed the whole time etc. However those first few months are such a tiny proportion of your child's life. DS is now almost 4 and he's ALL about daddy. Now I have 6mo DD who's very clingy with me (EBF and cosleeping), won't settle for DH etc, but we're not worried because we both know how much things will change as she grows and develops!
It strikes me as a "I had to endure a cranky baby waiting for a bottle, so I want you to have to endure that for every feed instead of easily giving the boob because otherwise it's not faaaaaaaaair" argument. Gah.
multiplemama your DH sounds like incredibly hard work too.
And "breast feeing can be seen as selfish too". Seriously?
You're stressing about keeping twins fed and then having to express like a maniac to make sure DH gets his "turn" too?
I am honestly astounded there are women out there who think ths is ok and actually pander to it.
Could your dh do a class or something with your ds? Like baby swimming? It sounds like he is feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all and it might help with the bonding maybe.
It goes without saying that you need to bf for as long as you want, if you stop any sooner because of him you will resent him for it for a very long time.
In his defence though I do think the first 6 months can be hard for dads as their role really is about supporting you to look after your son. Sometimes this can make them feel left out and a bit of a spare part.
I don't know what to say, I feed DD2 for years and DH was nothing, but supportive. Surely DH can give your DC a hug, a pot of yoghurt, a toy, put in a DVD, a cup of juice (ok yoghurt and juice may be 7 rather than 6 months), but honestly he's being a twit.
I was just making a point as others can see it as selfish. I don't pander him; I want him involved and he likes being involved. He's not hard work just involved which is better than being distant. I have his support despite the discussions we had.
noble The kangaroo care and bottle was just a suggestion; mums who can't breast feed do it and I'm sure some bf mums do too.
Like I said; if she wants to breast feed then do; don't stop because he doesn't like it, I was merely offering some suggestions.
How will stopping BF help? He wants you to deal with a hungry baby and have to make formula is that it?!
I would challenge him to do bedtimes etc a bit more if he wants to be more hands on.
Might pre-made formula cartons help? Much more instant than faffing with water and powder.
I wouldn't give up BF though
It sounds like your baby is at (or almost at) weaning age - could you give him a copy of Annabel Karmel (or whatever) and let DH get involved in making purees for DS?
Also, FFS - this is such a short period in the grand scheme of things, DH should not be making you feel guilty about being the more important parent at this point.
He is not mature enough to realise that when a baby cries it is not meant as a personal rejection of the adult in the room with him at the time. My guess is he thought the baby was telling him he didn't want dad and nothing but mum would do, and H felt jealous and frustrated and an outsider.
Babies cry. They cry because the sky is blue or because it is raining or because maybe they don't yet have words to use to tell us what they want. It's not meant as a personal rejection of the adult. If this is how he feels then he can't be spending much time around the baby, and he is way too touchy about perceived rejection and about the mother and child relationship.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying breastfeeding. Would he whine if you were to admit you love cooking or cleaning the loo or doing his laundry for him?
If you are happy to breastfeed and the baby is thriving then H is the one who needs to start looking at things differently.
This is a problem on his part and it needs to be sorted out.
The way you report he talks about it, this is some sort of entertainment you and the baby share together that he is excluded from.
Did he make this sort of fuss when he got to sleep all night while you bfed the baby in the early weeks?
I'm still breast feeding at 18 months. Dp is very supportive. 6 months is very young to stop. It's your choice but I wouldn't let him pressure you
Oh Dear OP your husband is behaving badly and there isn't really an excuse for it. You went out, your baby was a baby, and DH got a hop because it has never fully occurred to him until now that the baby is a baby who cries and needs stuff. He got a right hop and lashed out because he couldn't fix something that he thought was easy.
Please don't give up breastfeeding, there is just no reason on earth to do that. What would happen if you switched to bottles? If your DS woke up at night would your DH will be bounding up out of bed fresh as a lark and making up bottles, sitting up with the baby while he feeds and then settling him back afterwards? Or actually...would it just be YOU doing that, after all?
Your husband is being a brat and he'll be a lot sorrier if you do give up breastfeeding, I bet you anything. Tell him to man up and take over bathtime. And to give DS a bottle of carton formula or some solids next time he runs out of expressed milk.
What mathanxiety said. My partner got a bit antsy when I continued breastfeeding over a year (he was idiotically convinced it was draining me and that I'd leap back into vigour and health if I stopped, poor deluded fool). But he didn't think breastfeeding was some lovely game he wasn't allowed to play, oddly enough.
Your H sounds like a pain in the arse.
I wouldn't even start introducing a regular bottle at bed time - just tell him to grow the hell up, stop stamping his feet, and wake up to the fact that there is someone else for the world to go around.
Also think his 'suggestion' of phasing out breastfeeding when weaning is bizarre. The amount of solid food your baby will be taking in at this age is nil.
Remind him that if he doesn't like baby crying and getting worked up, then you breastfeeding is the easiest - and best - way for them to calm down.
Give him the information from the WHO about minimum breastfeeding age recommendations.
Encourage him to do bath time / story time / play time, and also remind him that just because you are responsible for the feeding right now, there another 60+ years of being a parent to come.
it is possible to drop a feed and use bottles. We do a bottle feed at bedtime for DS, he's 8 mo we have done this since he was 6mo but we do it because its what both DH and i wanted to do. We have another child & i was missing out on her bedtime, she was missing me too. This way we alternate, one night DH feeds the baby & puts him to bed, the next its me. Its good for us all as a family & DH can be confident that should i go out (which i rarely do!) he can deal with the baby.
I have to admit at this age the convenience of bfing (as well as health benefits for both of us) far outweighs stopping altogether, its just so quick & easy now!
i hope you can come to a mutual understanding.
Hello all again, i have just managed to read through all the replies and want to thank you all for you opinions and advice. We have been talking about this all weekend now and DH admitted that he panicked and just disnt know what to do so he just blamed me as ive never had to deal with ds that upset! I said that i wouldnt mind him doing the 10.30 feed as im usually ready for bed then anyway so ill go to bed and he does that feed...well tried that last night and it was a disaster. He gave ds the bottle which he fell asleep on after a couple of oz but when he tried to put ds in bed he kept crying so after 2 times he woke me and said you'll have to feed him cos he wont settle with me.
He's just lazy. Doesnt want me to carry on but realises that when it suits him its better and easier! And pp i do realise that if i gave it up, it would be me doing bottles 98% of the time! Like its me that does 98% of the cooking, cleaning, ironing, walking dog, need i say more??...
Aha and . Betcha he doesn't feel left out of anything when you do the 98% of the dogsbody stuff...
I reckon he made an argument out of this because he felt a knob for calling you home, maybe he 'failed' by getting all het up. I wonder that he didn't think this baby lark wasn't as hard/tiring as you made out, he couldn't deal & the truth has hit home a bit. It's always easier to make it your fault than mine! -- I agree .
I have a two week dd and hell would freeze over before I let any one tell me I had to give up bf. I was never that big a fan before having her either ! It's bloody hard work but totally awesome for me and her. Stand ur ground and tell him to grow up .
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