All day wedding in June, dreading leaving my breastfed 6 month old, help!

(39 Posts)
Itsmymove Wed 01-May-13 20:08:54

My DS is ebf which I'm loving. He's usually asleep by 8 so I have managed a few evenings out but always feed him to sleep and know that'll be him til 3/4 am. We have an all day wedding in June and my dad and stepmum will have him overnight, we will be about 45 minutes drive away.

He has never stayed away and although we tried him with a bottle a couple of times so dad could feed him, it was always such a hassle sterilising and expressing etc!

I tried him today with a bottle to get into practice but he just chewed on the teat and I offered him a sippy cup but he wasn't sure what to do! Then tonight I tried to feed him and put him down awake, he rolled about for about 45 minutes whining a bit and then I lifted him when he got really upset, popped him on the boob and he was asleep in two minutes!

I'm now a bit worried for my parents getting him settled at night, he sees them often and is a very good baby so I know he'll be fine all day, its just this last feed of the evening. any hints?

flubba Wed 01-May-13 21:58:43

If you're that upset by it (which I totally understand), why couldn't you take him with you?

If that really isn't an option, get your parents to do a few evening sessions in advance (without you in the room/house), so he and they can see how they get on and can both get used to it.

McBaby Thu 02-May-13 07:06:21

I would take him with you if possible.

KingRollo Thu 02-May-13 07:12:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itsmymove Fri 03-May-13 12:38:01

There's no children allowed. Which I can understand because I think I would do the same if/when I get married <sighs>!

i wouldn't ask because I'm sure there's a few people with little babies so can't have one rule for me and another for everyone else!

I think a couple of trial runs is a good idea and I will go out locally and can go to him if necessary.

If needs must, they could maybe drive and meet me halfway for a feed and he would sleep in car seat on way home! I did think about getting them and us a room in the hotel next to venue, but at £250 a night, shock maybe not!!

i really dont think it is unreasonable to ask the bride to bring him along. he wont cost her anything plus you can take him away if he starts to get upset etc.

just cant see why you should struggle to get him to settle when you've no intention of bottle feeding him at any other time!

flubba Fri 03-May-13 14:37:12

I think 'babes in arms' don't normally count as 'children' for wedding invitations - that's definitely been my experience anyway.

Good luck

squidkid Fri 03-May-13 15:36:55

I was in exactly your position. I did this last month when baby was nearly 6 months old. I had some whisky to get me through. I was quite upset in truth. I tried to express at the wedding, it didn't work very well and it was quite uncomfortable.

Baby was absolutely fine. She refused all the expressed milk I'd been patiently getting together, but she was happy enough. Somehow she went to sleep with my mum without milk. My mum was a bit stressed but she was ok. The day after she fed loads and loads to make up for it, and I basically stayed in bed with her (that was a nice day)

I expect my friend to apologise to me if she ever has a baby of her own!! I agonised for ages over whether I could ask her to make an exception but she'd been so firm and specific to me that it was no kids, and was quite stressed in the lead up to the wedding, so I decided not to in the end.

Good luck, hope you have a better experience than me!! Also don't drink too much whisky, I just got tearful ;)

Emilythornesbff Fri 03-May-13 18:37:49

I was in your position when my ds was small. Although tbf he was 8 months old.
It was a PITA tbh. But he was fine and happy.
My SIL looked after him at a nearby hotel for the afternoon and evening and I left early so she could go home.
I bet your mum will be fine with him. She knows what she's doing.
You could ask about a more flexible arrangement. We had no children at our wedding for financial reasons. If each of our friends' children came along we'd have only been able to have about four couples! But I happily made excepting for babes in arms and a friend who I know doesn't have child care.
Sadly, this wasn't the case at the wedding we went to.
Tbh on reflection I wish I hadn't gone. I was tired, sober, missing my little boy and it was a hassle. Ds had a great time with his auntie though.
But I think I'm in a minority.

Emilythornesbff Fri 03-May-13 18:41:14

Actually, I've just realised I'm still a bit pissed off about it grin
I still had to leave early to relieve dsil and left dh there having a whale of a time.
Fucking weddings!

Emilythornesbff Fri 03-May-13 18:42:56

Oh, just practice. It will be fine I'm sure

AThingInYourLife Fri 03-May-13 18:45:03

I wouldn't go.

Parties are meant to be fun, not cause loads of stress for guests.

WouldBeHarrietVane Fri 03-May-13 19:43:35

I wouldn't leave any of my ebf dc overnight at this age. I think they'd be upset and so would I.

Can you pay for parents to stay at the same hotel as you? That way you can pop back and forth between wedding and hotel and be there for baby at night.

Better still, explain to bride you are ebf and ask to bring baby in a sling!

usualsuspect Fri 03-May-13 19:45:24

I wouldn't go.

cocoplops Fri 03-May-13 19:59:54

Is your dp going too? I had a wedding when my Ds was around that age and we stayed at the venue and my DH and I shared the wedding - I went ceremony and drinks, DH and I swapped mid dinner and he stayed for the rest.

Or I would only go for the day if you're worried about it.

Lolapink Fri 03-May-13 20:00:22

Can your parent stay in your room with baby, then they could leave in the evening after you have fed him.

HalleLouja Fri 03-May-13 20:57:57

I wouldn't go. Most non child weddings allow babes in arms. Sorry I don't get the whole non child wedding thing.

dietcokeandwine Fri 03-May-13 21:15:18

A bride who doesn't understand that an ebf baby can't be left all day is a bit of a 'zilla tbh. Why should your son have to get used to a teat (and go through the associated upset and hassle) just to accommodate her?

But could you not equally argue: A guest who doesn't understand that the bride doesn't want her day potentially ruined by crying babies and screaming toddlers is a bit of a PFB tbh. Why should she have to adapt her day just to accommodate someone who hasn't quite thought through the logistics of childcare for a breastfed baby and should perhaps have got him used to taking a regular bottle knowing that she'd have to leave him for the day?

(OP I am not saying that you are being PFB by the way, or that you haven't thought things through. Just playing devil's advocate slightly, and suggesting another way of looking at the situation).

But I do think people get a bit hung up in general about BF babies and weddings. And that is speaking both as a bride who ten years ago said 'no babies/children' at her own wedding (and never regretted it, or felt the need to apologise once I became a mum), and now as a mother of three, who has breastfed them all, and occasionally had to miss out on social gatherings excluding babies and children as a result. I do think it would be unfair of you to expect the bride to let you bring him (unless you are family, which is slightly different); the problem is, if she lets you bring him, she has to let others bring their babies, and that's probably not possible to accommodate. I have never been to a wedding with babies/children allowed which hasn't been interrupted or spoiled by them in some way, and as a result I don't think it's in the slightest unreasonable for couples to have a blanket ban on children at their wedding even if that includes very young BF babies.

I think you either need to

(a) invest a bit of time over the next few weeks getting your LO used to settling without you every so often (a few trial runs of leaving him, as others have suggested, or getting into a routine of DH offering an evening bottle three or four nights a week to get DS used to it), or

(b) explain to the bride that unfortunately you won't be able to make it as you are breastfeeding and no-one else can settle DS to sleep and you would find it too traumatic to leave him, or

(c) do a kind of halfway house - go to the wedding, then do the 45 minute drive home to feed/settle DS, then return for the evening reception. Or just do the wedding itself and skip the reception - I've done this myself when DS1 was 3 weeks, left him with my mum for the hour of the wedding ceremony and then went home leaving DH to attend the reception on his own.

I hope you can find a solution that you are all happy with, and that if you do go to the wedding, you have a lovely time!

KingRollo Fri 03-May-13 21:22:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatsoever Fri 03-May-13 21:23:20

If it's upsetting you, I wouldn't go. If you're not going to enjoy it, there's no point, as you'll just wish you were at home it your LO.

Having said that, I got very stressed out about my bottle refusing baby when I had a night out (gig with tickets booked 13 months in advance, friends travelling from all over to be there) coming up & in the end he started taking bottles perfectly well in good time, and we practiced DH giving him the bottle before bed a couple of times, and all went very well. This might happen for you?

Don't agree with a lot of posters saying "babies don't count as children for invites" or "it's unreasonsble of a bride to expect people not to bring breastfeeding babies". Some people don't want babies or children at their weddings, end of.

sleepdodger Fri 03-May-13 21:32:50

Hello ebf to 6mo ds
Went to wedding at 6wo 10-7
Ds took bottles ebm a s slept well :-0
Fed more next day
I expressed whilst tgere
All was well
Enjoy

sleepdodger Fri 03-May-13 21:34:40

Btw I banned kids from my wedding
Friend had 8wo and was welcome to bring but chose not to
I would have said ok to tiny baby but dependant on specifics- I didn't want ANY whimpering during ceremony and some people don't get that- I say that as a parent still

dietcokeandwine Fri 03-May-13 21:44:38

KingRollo, I am sorry if I offended you. I said I was playing devil's advocate, and I wasn't seriously suggesting that that is how the OP has been. Of course I completely appreciate that not everyone wishes to give an EBF baby a bottle, and that not all EBF babies are happy to take a bottle, and if that's the case for you and your child, in this scenario you would have presumably sent a polite turn down to the invite and simply not gone to the wedding.

But Itsmymove is planning to go to the wedding. And that is going to have to involve getting someone else to give her DS bottles through the day. It's not just the night time settling; a 6mo still needs regular milk feeds through the day, so he's going to have to take bottles all day if she's not there. I really don't think it's offensive to suggest that if that's the case, she needs to get him used to taking the bottle in advance of the wedding. It would be unfair on everyone involved - not least the baby - if she didn't.

For what it is worth, I have a breastfed 3 month old myself, we've been invited to a wedding in June, and have turned down the invitation because I don't want to leave him for the day. He does in actual fact take a bottle quite happily but I feel he is too young to leave for a whole day and it would completely stress me out to have to do so. Equally, though, I wouldn't dream of asking the bride and groom to make an exception for him. I completely respect the fact that they don't want babies there. In my opinion, it IS their day (and I don't think they're saying fuck everyone else, either) and a bride and groom should be allowed to have their day as they want it. The childcare issues are my problem, not theirs.

handcream Fri 03-May-13 21:44:43

When invites say no children it does mean babies as well. Having been to many weddings that have been spoilt by crying babies and toddlers running around the church with their parents just sitting their I did have a child free wedding and didn't feel different when I had children myself.

If you feel strongly about it I wouldn't go. I think for this one day it is alll about the bride and groom.

KingRollo Fri 03-May-13 21:50:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I'm getting married next year and def would not think of banning children - after all my own child will hopefully be 10 months old at the time!

Each to their own but brides cannot get annoyed if someone doesn't go because their children aren't welcome

handcream Fri 03-May-13 22:11:37

I would fully understand if someone couldn't make it or take offence in the slightest but I do think some on this thread are saying its all about the baby (who will never remember a thing in later life) as opposed to the b and g.

dietcokeandwine Fri 03-May-13 22:17:40

Fairydogmother (fab name, btw grin), I agree. If a bride bans children and then gets stroppy because someone turns down the invite, then that's definitely bridezilla-ey. Can't have it all ways. It is, as you say, each to their own - there will always be people who can't imagine a wedding without children and people who can't imagine anything worse than children at a wedding.

OP - getting back to your original question - I really hope you find a solution that works for you and your DS. You may well find that if you do go he will be perfectly fine and settle quite happily for his grandparents, even if he fusses at the bottle with you. But if you are not happy with the situation I don't think you'd be at all unreasonable to send your apologies and simply not go.

expatinscotland Fri 03-May-13 22:20:57

Don't go.

EleanorFarjeon Fri 03-May-13 22:24:10

I would either take him, or not go.

A 6 month old baby is not a 'child', he's not going to annoy anyone or be throwing himself around the dance floor.

I ebf mine and there's no way I could have left them at this stage. I would have not been able to relax - it would have been pointless.

specialsubject Fri 03-May-13 22:25:03

a childfree wedding is fine, as long as the bride realises that some people can't go and won't be cross about that.

a small ebf baby means there are some things mum can't do during this time.

no-one wants a baby howling through the ceremony. Not the baby's fault.

warn the bride that you may not be able to attend because you have a small ebf baby. No-one half reasonable will mind.

tunnocksteacake Fri 03-May-13 22:29:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I thank you dietcokeandwine lol <mini twirl as I love my name too>

dietcokeandwine Fri 03-May-13 22:33:19

Eleanor no, he's not going to be deliberately annoying anyone or throwing himself around the dance floor. He could however whinge, or cry, or scream at any point throughout the day. Which would be pretty annoying/distracting/unpleasant/stressful for the bride and groom and other guests. He could do a massive explosive stinky nappy as the bride walks down the aisle. Or have a breastfeed and then sick up everywhere during the vows. Or get overtired and distressed because he's missed a nap and is somewhere strange and unfamiliar to him. All and any of which entirely normal and understandable baby behaviour. But none of it is exactly desirable at a wedding.

Fuckwittery Fri 03-May-13 22:46:33

I'd cancel or just go to the day and not the evening. At this stage bride probably won't lose money. It's not worth it to have you stressed over whether your baby has had any milk.

TwitchyTail Fri 03-May-13 22:56:49

I wouldn't go without him. Too stressful all round.

But after attending a recent wedding where three separate babies screamed through the vows, I don't blame the bride for a no-children/no-babies rule. Some parents really do not get the concept of Taking The Child Out and give us all a bad name.

I'd say to the bride (or whoever you're friends with) that you would love to come but you can't leave your breastfeeding baby, so you'll have to give your apologies and hope they have a lovely day. That's her cue to either say "but of course you can bring your baby!" or "what a shame, we'll miss you", depending on the strength of her opposition to his presence.

Itsmymove Sat 04-May-13 00:39:39

I do agree with you dietcoke about it being their day and if they don't want babies there, fine by me. Hes a very sociable baby and i know for a fact that he would be a little angel for everyone to coo over grin but I just would not feel comfortable asking her to bring him.

the bride/groom have what will be an 11 month old DD and said that is the only LO going. Even the bridesmaid has a small bf baby....hmm will check the situ there I think!

It is quite a close friend and I will definitely go the wedding, just comes down to logistics. Sorry, he is almost six months now so will be 7 months by time of wedding and i will be with him until lunchtime, home by midnight. I would never go if I knew he would be upset without me, so if that's the case, maybe need to have them bring him to me!! I think I will look into other hotels in the area.

My HV suggested not bothering with bottle and just moving him onto a cup but again, not fair on the parentals as would be rather time consuming I imagine?!

TwitchyTail Sat 04-May-13 08:23:49

I'd just do a trial run then (maybe try the cup then?), and if your parents get spooked, book them and your son into a hotel nearby smile

Emilythornesbff Sat 04-May-13 08:45:35

I second the idea of trying a cup.it was the only thing that worked for us.
And sorry, up thread I referred to your dsm as your mum. Didn't read op properly. blush

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