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Infant feeding

How much is/should partner's views be taken into account wrt feeding?

29 replies

BumperliciousIsStillNotDressed · 13/03/2008 08:30

I just wonder having been on a thread where a woman's partner is not comfortable with her bfing. That's an aside really, as he seems to have psychological issues with it, but it made me think esp wrt to my own experience.

I had loads of problems bfing. Pain for a few months, a long period (moths) of DD fussing at the breast, refusing to feed, us both getting upset etc.

My husband's support of me bfing has been up and down. Originally he was all for it, he understands the benefits etc. But when night after night I would sob through feeds in pain, or through frustration at DD not feeding, or sheer exhaustion I know that at the slightest indication he would have gone out and got formula. Also I've been up and down emotionally, no sex drive etc. part of which I put down to bfing.

we have argued about my determination to bf against all these odds and at times he just felt so impotent, that when he had dd and I was getting on with something else and she got hungry he would have to "ask my permission" to feed her (often to a response of FFS, she can't be hungry, I can't get anything done" etc ).

Though he has voiced his opinion on the matter and at times has wished I would stop he has understood that it is my choice (what he doesn't seem to understand is though it is my choice I am still allowed to complain about it ) and I am still bfing dd at 8.5 mo. Most of DH's negative feelings have stemmed from worrying about me and DD when we have both been clearly distressed by bfing.

But I have often felt guilty as I have bfed regardless of what he thinks, despite the sometimes negative impact it has had on our homelife. So I guess I am just wondering, looking for a (constructive) debate on how much the partners view should be taken into account. Obviously I don't think that they should v much otherwise I would have stopped by now but I think when it impacts on their lives too that must be some consideration of their feelings, and my choice has caused me some guilt.

FWIW DH is now 98% on board with bfing (when I decide to stop is another issue for both of us) and this last week when DD has been unexpectedly waking in the night he has said "thank god for bfing".

What do the rest of you think?

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BumperliciousIsStillNotDressed · 13/03/2008 08:31

Ooooh, to add another question into the mix, what if mum doesn't want to bf but dad woudl like her too ?

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CantSleepWontSleep · 13/03/2008 08:33

I think if the partner is pro-bf then they should be listened to 100%, but if they are pro-formula then they should be ignored 100%.

Does this help a healthy debate?

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fishie · 13/03/2008 08:37

i think often men don't understand how the whole thing feels for women, it is a really emotive subject. it isn't like other parenting choices, say whether to use disposable or washable nappies.

my dh suggested formula when i had trouble with bf, but when i explained that it just wasn't an option for me he was ok with that and very supportive. he is a bit hmm about bf now that ds is nearly 3, but can see the value of it since he gets an extra half hour in bed!

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StealthPolarBear · 13/03/2008 08:38

It's an interesting one. I've been lucky that DH has been totally supportive (not sure why as he usually likes to fix things) helping me sort problems, and very early on developed a skill for rocking DS to sleep to music, which I can't do.
I've had a similar problem with my mum - although in theory she has been supportive of bf, she seemed surprised how long I went on (at about 3 weeks!!) and the slightest problem has been met with "well you've done really well to get this far, it couldn't hurt to stop now" ) anyway that's beside the point as it's nothing to do with parents!
Anyway, i think feeding is just one of a few things that affects your joint child but impacts most on you as the mother, CS vs VB,
drinking / eating the right things through pg etc. I suppose the difference with feeding is that it is ongoing and affects the whole family (whereas drinking in pg really only affects mother and baby). In theory I would say it's like anything where you can't agree (not talking about YOU btw!) - discuss and compromise where possible. In reality if I were in that situation and wanted to bf I would very much resent compromising on something I consider so fundamental to my baby/child.
Complete ramble, and comes back to - I don't know, good question!

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StealthPolarBear · 13/03/2008 08:39

To your second question (when I was already crafting my response ) I have a friend in a similar position ... she isn't sure whether she wants to, her DP really wants her to...

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CorrieDale · 13/03/2008 08:40

I would like to think that it's down to the mother - after all, she is the only one lactating. But research has shown (sorry, can't find it but it has been referenced on MN before) that the most influential factor in whether/how long a woman breastfeeds for is her partner's support. So it is clearly extremely important. My own DH was 100% pro-bfing, and his support (both practical and in a cheerleading capacity) was invaluable to me during the hard times and the current sleep deprived times. I suspect I'd have been bloody-minded enough to keep going anyway, but it would certainly have been a lot harder, and that at a time when I was pretty emotional and knackered.

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BumperliciousIsStillNotDressed · 13/03/2008 08:43

Stealth I think you are right in that you should try and compromise where possible, but like you say it impacts on the woman more.

It's difficult. I must admit during one of my spectacular lows when we were arguing I put my coat on (it was about 11pm) and spat at DH "right, I'm going out to get some formula if that will make you happy, but I will really resent you for this" or something similarly vile

I think them not being bale to understand is a huge thing. DH used to say to me "you don't seem to enjoy it, why do you do it" and I just couldn't say, I could explain, which is what he found hardest as he does like answers to things (I don't know is never good enough). But somethings you just can't explain, I guess it's all part of the hormones, and instinct maybe.

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CorrieDale · 13/03/2008 08:46

I would also add that the whole situation is really NOT helped by ads like that one by SMA - father cuddling baby, giving bottle, talking of being able to do his bit. It's clearly the highlight of the dad's day and if the mother had stuck to exclusive breastfeeding then she would be (selfishly?) depriving father of this bonding experience. OK, so I've inferred the last bit but in real life I have heard baby-feeding referred to as 'the plum job' and mothers saying that they want to mix/bottle feed so that their partner can bond with the baby. It all undermines bfing, which is exactly what the formula manufacturers are aiming for.

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Ineedacleaner · 13/03/2008 08:47

I think it is important for your partner to support you to a point, especially if there are older children and in the early days a lot of the looking after them falls back on dad. If he already resents the breast feeding it can make a bad situation worse.
I probably couldn't have bf DS for over a year if it had not been for the unwavering support from DH. It had a hard couple of months before DS reflux was diagnosed then the changing of meds etc and trying to get them into him as he had never had a bottle.
If DH had been less supportive I would have really struggled to get through some weeks and look after dd.

My friend is having her dc3 in the summer and never bf the first 2. It was mainly down to lack of support and lack of knowledge. Her DH was really keen for her to bf but he suported her in her decision not to as well because he loves her and wants what is best for her, he is also very delighted that this time she really wants to give bf a go after seeing me do it day in day out for more than a year.

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fishie · 13/03/2008 08:48

i was thinking last night about how i don't really talk about what a pleasure and nice thing it is to do. dh probably doesn't really have any idea about that, the 'happy hormone' thingy, he just sees me rolling eyes and saying 'again! more? oh my' as ds demands a gazillionth feed.

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SirDigbyChickenCaesar · 13/03/2008 08:49

it must be so frustrating for them. they watch us struggle. they see that it HAS to be us to get up in the night. we're tired. miserable. they want to fix it. but they can't. i feel for the dads i really do.

i remember DH asked me how long i planned to feed DS for. I said 2 years. (i think he was a couple months old at the time) and he was and not that supportive of it.
but time went on and he never mentioned me stopping. it was always my choice. and when i decided to stop he helped me with the screaming toddler.
it must be really ahrd fo them too to have no control or say in the matter. but until they start lactating then we get to choose, i think.

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smallwhitecat · 13/03/2008 08:52

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BumperliciousIsStillNotDressed · 13/03/2008 09:04

Smallwhitecat just to let you know that DD is now 8mo and feeding is sooo much better for us. I still do have "oh god, not more" moments but for the most part it is great. It keeps her quiet when I am out with friends, gives me an excuse to not do housework and watch trashy TV and most mornings I don't have to get out of bed as dh brings her into me. Just wanted to reassure you. It took about 4 or 5 months to get there which a disproportionately long time but I knew that I would feel far more resentful having to wash and make up bottles and remember to take them out, so it was the lesser of 2 evils! Now I am so glad I continued (I think DH is too) which just goes to show that I was right all along as usual and should never listen to DH!

And can I just give DH his dues it's only on a few occasions he has wavered over bfing and usually out of concern for his wife and child. He is a brilliant DH, I don't want you all to think he is not. He's just a typical fix it man!

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kiskideesameanoldmother · 13/03/2008 09:16

you have a golden dh. 50's man like mine with regards to the nightfeeds, notwithstanding.

dh didn't know anything about bfing and kept his mouth shut. in the early days when i was struggling and looking/behaving like a wildwoman, he threw something across the room in frustration and I threw about 3 things after him in response with lots of shouting behind.

bfing became this primal, visceral thing for me, I guess I had the temperament of a cantankerous mama bear and would hear nothing against it. where that stemmed from, I don't know because all I knew at the time was that breasts were for feeding babies and having poured formula into a bottle, I didn't want to feed my dd 'that'.

so he has never argued with me since then and long ago I know that he has been quietly proud of my bfing and utmostly supportive of bfing issues in general.

and he has learnt loads since then too.

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Martha200 · 13/03/2008 09:26

My DH is pretty supportive, though what he didn't realise (and took me by surprise too) is that when BF when it comes to sex one can be drier than normal, which is hormonal.. but he initially took it as a sign that I didn't want sex. I suggested we get something to help lubricate (sorry for TMI, and he replied he'd rather wait until I had finished BF for good!

Anyway, back to the question, he has been supportive and said that when I decide to stop he will ask me if I am sure, because I think he worries whether I will stop because I may be struggling, versus I am stopping because I want/ the time has come to naturally stop. He has said many times he really doesn't mind how I choose to feed, as long as baby and I are doing ok generally (yeah have said some horrid things too!)

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BumperliciousIsStillNotDressed · 13/03/2008 09:37

"bfing became this primal, visceral thing for me, I guess I had the temperament of a cantankerous mama bear and would hear nothing against it. where that stemmed from, I don't know because all I knew at the time was that breasts were for feeding babies and having poured formula into a bottle, I didn't want to feed my dd 'that'."

Kiskidee that describes me very accurately!

It's interesting and enlightening to here the varying levels of support, but not many people have really answered my question about how much say men should have in the matter. Obviously there is no right and wrong, I'm just interested in different opinions on the matter.

Though plenty of men turn into complete twunts when babies come along, some of us too also turn into "cantankerous mama bears" to quote kiskidee! I thing many men get a bum deal in the new parent stakes, all the support is out there for the mother and baby. (Though saying that, my DH took DD out for the day last week to give me a break and my mum rang him up and thanked him for being such a good husband - I'm telling you they only have to hold the baby to be considered a good dad!)

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yomellamoHelly · 13/03/2008 09:47

I think they should if possible. With nr2 dh was very pro bfing and really didn't like giving him a bottle even only every now and then, though obviously he'd do it. It really influenced me in carrying on with it until last week (he's 14.5 months) because I do feel it is an important thing for your child. And I did say I'm planning to stop and this is why.... so he was "involved" in that decision too.
I am delighted to have stopped though. Particularly this time round I feel it was an excuse for dh to hold back to a certain extent in the amount of caring he did for the boys. I hope that imbalance is addressed now. At least with ff there are no excuses for not being hands-on.

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Ineedacleaner · 13/03/2008 11:03

Adding to Dh being very supportive he as actually surprised himself in HOW supportive he has become. Before children he never really had an opinion either way but now is THE most pro bf man I know and at work when colleagues became dads he was forever talking about bf and everything he has learnt from me, the internet and me actually bf.

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kiskideesameanoldmother · 13/03/2008 11:09

men should have no or very little say in the matter imho. breastmilk or formula will be this child's sole form of nutrition for months, (dd exclusively fed for 10 months!) so like abortion for some people, the decision is largely outside of a man's control. it is down to his magnanimity and his partner's on this issue.

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claireybee · 13/03/2008 11:23

When I first had dd and was struggling with cracked nipples etc dh said "you don't have to breastfeed you know, I don't mind if you bottle feed instead". For some reason that made me even more determined to persevere with breastfeeding, although I did soon crack under pressure from others and introduce an evening bottle. We breastfed until nearly 6 months though which is far longer than I ever expected.

He hadn't been in the room for dd's first feed, but was for ds and was amazed at how ds rooted and latched himself on-I think that went a long way in making him realise just how natural breastfeeding is, and in comparison how artificial formula feeding is.

He has asked how long I intend to breastfeed ds for and I have told him I don't know but 2 years isn't out of the question. He was a bit at that because dd isn't yet 2 and the thought of breastfeeding her now is just strange because it has been so long since she was breastfed but after talking about it he can see it could be different if continuously breastfed for that time. Ultimately he knows he doesn't really have a say in the matter I'll take his views on board but will probably do what I want anyway! It would be different if childcare was more equally shared but as I do the bulk of it I make the decisions!

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weasle · 13/03/2008 11:29

good topic bumperlicious.

my dh says he is 100% pro-bf, but if i ever moan/cry/sob about soreness/oh no not more his solution is 'give him a bottle'. i think it is the women-venus men-mars thing. i want him to say 'you are doing realy well darling' but men always want to come up with a solution. the rows described above seem v familiar!

agree sma adverts evil. my dh has a bath with both ds when he is home in time, that helps with bonding (and i am a little bit jealous of that, i am always busy sorting nappies and stuff)

my mum commented the other day that my brother has been more involved with his ff dd than my dh is with our ds. but then i pointed out my niece has eczema...Giving a baby a bottle does not make you super-dad!

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StealthPolarBear · 13/03/2008 11:32

kiskidee, a bit off topic, but can you tell me more about why your DD ex bf for 10 months? The reason I ask is because DS (nearly 11 mo) is a very poor eater and I'm looking for hope!)

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Ineedacleaner · 13/03/2008 11:39

Stealth, my ds was ex bf for just over 9 months and even when he did start solids was a very poor eater. In fact he probably still is in comparison to dd but he did gradually get better. I don't think he will ever be a foodie it is just a means to an end to him, him eats what he needs and no more, not a snacker or anything. He doesn't seem to have or be suffering any ill effects from it though he has certainly never been the picture of starvation.

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StealthPolarBear · 13/03/2008 11:53

That's good to hear. My DS has actually been putting on weight faster since he was weaned, unless he is eating more off the floor than I realise then I have no idea how! Everything goes in his mouth, unless it is food, in which case it goes on the floor!

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VictorianSqualor · 13/03/2008 12:06

I think that as with many childcare issues if mum is going to be home and dad at work then mum gets to do it her way, unless it's something that Dad has really strong feelings about.

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