What sort of friend should I be?

[BroccoliSpears]

A good friend of mine is expecting her second baby.

She is considering whether or not to give breastfeeding a try. She's currently thinking that she doesn't really want to try it at all and go straight to formula from day 1.

1st time around she had a traumatic birth and long recovery with setbacks (really, not just your run-of-the-mill stuff, it was a truly dreadful time for her) and then had the most apalling breastfeeding experience that resulted in her having an operation to have a part of one of her breasts removed.

She feels scared, guilty, resentful - the whole gamut of emotions as you can imagine. She doesn't even know if she'll be able to feed successfully with her remaining milk ducts (I suspect that she would) and is also terrified of having the same problem twice. What makes her angry is that she feels that whenever she tries to find any useful information about bfing she feels preached at that Breast Is Best. She knows that, but she also knows that formula isn't toxic waste in a bottle and thousands of babies grow up perfectly healthy on formula.

I am fiercly pro-breastfeeding in normal circs. However, I also realise that sometimes bfing isn't possible and formula doesn't kill people. My friend's health and emotional health are important here. Privately, I feel sad that she is considering not even giving it a go, because I hold my own bfing experience so close to my heart as part of my parenting and bonding with dd. When we talk about it I sense that I'm not being the friend she needs because I can't in all honesty agree that "formula is just as good" and "breastfeeding isn't ALL that". I answer tactfully (I hope). Perhaps I should just say what she wants to hear? Tell her that there's nothing wrong with bottles from the start, tell her not to even try if that would make her feel better?

But then wouldn't a friend encourage her so that she may have a chance of a wonderful, positive breastfeeding experience? But preaching at her would be the worst thing.

I know this is a terribly emotive subject and I hope I've not offended anyone. What would you do? How would you be a friend?

And also, where should she go to get REAL, useful information about her specific chances of breastfeeding successfully, and the chances of a similar thing happening again (she feels the chances are high but has no one with the medical knowledge to advise her).

[Jackstini]

BS - you sound like a very good friend already being this concerned, and very tactful. Can she maybe see a bf counseller and ask these specific questions? I guess if she doesn't get answers she will be too stressed to try.
Maybe ABM, NCE, La Leche or Kellymom websites will have further info or contacts
Is it possible for you to expand on what the experience was in case another MNer knows more about it?

[bellabelly]

I think, as a friend, the only thing you can / should do is to support whatever she decides to do.

[policywonk]

Well I'm all for bfing, but in her position I might well be thinking 'sod that' too. It sounds as though she's been through the mill pretty badly. Can you say 'My personal experience with BF has been great, but I can quite understand why you would prefer not to risk a repeat of your previous experience. Would you like me to get you some numbers of professional bf-ing counsellors or would you rather I butt out?'

[luciemule]

I'd ask her what she truely wants to do, if she didn't feel guilt and worry and see what she says.

She knows the pros for BF but tbh, if I'd had part of my breast removed from complications last time (and I have BF my kids for 18 and then 21 months so I was very pro), I probably wouldn't attempt it.

From what you say, I think she wants to bottle feed but feels pressured to BF. I really think it's something she has to decide herself when the time comes.

[controlfreakyhohohohohohoho]

i do think getting some specialist input / advice / support pre birth could only be helpful..... may help friend make better informed decision .... and if she decided to try will have set up avenue for support in advance.....might you suggest this?

[Sabire]

I think that if your friend has a positive experience of breastfeeding this baby it could be very healing for her.

I think so many people come at this issue thinking about the benefits of breastfeeding for the child, but you have to also think about the psychological benefits for your friend as well. Most women who breastfeed for as long as they wish come away from it with feelings of pride and increased confidence in their bodies. I know I have. A good birth followed by happy and relaxed breastfeeding could make such a difference to her emotionally in the long term.

However, all you can do is listen to her, and on the practical side do some research to track down a really knowledgeable lactation consultant or breastfeeding counsellor who would act as a sounding board and would be able to guide her through the first few weeks of breastfeeding. Would your friend be able to pay for the services of an independent midwife for help in the month after her baby's born? Some do postnatal packages, so that they can provide intensive support immediately after the birth.

[BroccoliSpears]

Thank you all for reading such a long OP and for adding your thoughts.

I will of course support whatever desicion she makes. And I'll genuinely mean it too.

I just feel that a large part of her current decision not to give it a go is through (understandable) defensiveness and lack of information. I agree that a positive bfing experience could be very healing for her. I also think that she feels that by saying that formula is just as good, she is defending the fact that her first baby was formula fed from a very young age (due to her problems.)

If she were happy about a decision to formula feed I wouldn't dream of sticking my beak in. She told me that prior to DC1 it had never once occured to her that she wouldn't breastfeed.

She has little faith in BFing councillors, having not had the most helpful response from those she contacted first time around. I'm not sure if the average BFing councillor would have the specific knowledge to help in this case but I may be completely wrong about that. I do know that a meeting with someone encouraging and positive may be the final nail in the coffin.

[Sabire]

Why not try a lactation consultant then? Do you live in London? I know a bf counsellor who is also a lactation consultant (she used to answer the breastfeeding questions in Mother and Baby magazine). She runs a baby cafe in South London and would see your friend for free.

[IorekByrnison]

You sound like a very good friend to have in this situation Broccoli.

Can you say any more about how it happened? If there's something you can pin down that led to this outcome, and it's something that could be avoided next time round then I would have thought it's worth giving it a go. But I agree you need to tread very carefully given what she is going through. If you get the feeling she really doesn't want to go there again, then I would simply support her decision to use formula.

Don't know what part of the country she's in but there's a very knowledgeable breastfeeding advisor at St George's in London who might be able to advise or at least refer.

[Trimum2]

I agree with the posts above about getting help from the very start this time around.

I had a terrible time feeding first time around (although no where near as bad as your friend). My strategy this time was to get a lactation consultant in the very early days and help me get it right from the start. It was expensive, so I know that I was lucky that I could pay for her, but I found it tremendously helpful.

In addition, I also went in with the attitude this time of... I will see how it goes and no pressure... one day at a time. And 6 months later... here i am still going.. and I have to say, its much to my surprise. It really is possible to have two entirely different experiences! So if you are trying to give her advice maybe if she goes in with a "no pressure" on herself attitude, that might help. It may also prevent any guilt that would arise from FF from the start and then regretting it.

[tori32]

I think you are being a good friend. I completely empathise with your friend as I also had major problems with bf with dd. I am now pg with dc2 and have gone pro active to find out more about bf.
I think lots of people don't realise that traumatic births can stop a good supply being established due to shock.
My SIL was bf her baby for the first 9wks successfully and could even express 6oz per feed as well, she found out that her nan was terminally ill and her supply stopped overnight due to stress. If her birth goes normally or she has a planned section things will be very different.
Sorry its rambling but my point is that it might be a confidence thing, feeling there is no point trying because it failed last time. I think you do right to sit on the fence, say that you understand her reasons but that you could give her support if she decided to try it again. Maybe say 'why don't you see how you feel after the birth?' or 'well you don't need to make a decision now about it, you could just give the first feed and see how you feel'

[BroccoliSpears]

I hadn't heard of Lactation Consultants, but have been googling and it looks as though a talk with someone like this may be helpful to my friend. I'll let her know the option is there. (Sabir, we're not in London but I'm tracking down local options).

The no pressure attitude is also a helpful one. I've already suggested that she has months to make this decision and doesn't have to decide one way or the other right now and stick to it, unless she wants to.

[welliemum]

Eeerrrrgghhh, "breast is best" is such a terrible message isn't it.

If she does decide she wants to try, I think Trimum's one day at a time approach is really good. Someone has published somewhere a list of the benefits of bf from colostrum, first feed, 1 week, 1 month...etc - I know I've seen it linked to on MN. In your shoes I might point her to something like that, ie with the message that each feed counts for something, and she can stop at any moment. It's not an all-or-nothing commitment.

But that would only be if she wants to try, and it must be a hard decision. When's the baby due?

[ReverseThePolarity]

BS, "the most apalling breastfeeding experience that resulted in her having an operation to have a part of one of her breasts removed" that sounds absolutely horrendous. Poor woman, the very thought of breastfeeding must make her shudder with fear.

What would I do? I would ask her honestly whether she

(a) wanted realistic & professional evaluation of her chances of her breastfeeding without any coercion or even "encouragement" and "positivity", or

(b) whether she wanted me to just stfu and support her in her choice to ff.

If she wanted (a) I would help her find a bfc / lactation consultant and offer to talk to them first myself to find out what they were like in terms of just giving the bare facts rather than "encouragement".

If she wanted (b) I would do just that. And personally, if it was me and it was a very close friend, I would offer to give her baby the odd bit of bm myself (either expressed or at source) if she wanted. But that is just me.

[moocowme]

i think she should at least have just one go at it (with help and support) when she feels up to it (could be in a day or two after birth. if this works she can easily work up to full time bf.

i found bf unbearable on the first day but had a go a couple of days later and found it better. and some is better than none.

she needs to take it slow and easy.