Feel so guilty for stopping breastfeeding

[loulou1980]

Hi, i'm a first-time poster here so bear with me! Could be a long one!

Bit of background. My name's Lou, I'm 27, married with 2 children, a daughter of 6 years old and a son of 2 weeks. I have today made the decision to stop breastfeeding my son; I only actually set out to do it for a couple of weeks anyway (wehile my partner was on paternity leave) so I have succeeded in that. However, I have a history of depression related to hormonal changes (can't take the pill or implanon, etc. as they make me a basket case; get bad pmt sometimes - since i had the implanon i might add).

Well, the baby blues passed in the usual way, then yesterday and today i've felt really low, not helped by the fact that i'm really getting about 3 or 4 hours sleep a night, what with the school run and everything. Then everyone says "sleep when the baby sleeps", but my baby doesn't sleep much during the day, til the evening when my daughter is here and hubby's at work, so i can hardly sleep then. I don't have a lot of support; my mam dies when i was 6 and i have no family in the area. Got lots of friends, but they all have their own lives to lead.

My husband works 12-hour shifts, but he does get days off during the week when he cud do the night feeds, letting me get some sleep. I want to be a great mam to my son as i have been to my daughter (only bf her for 5 days and was so glad to stop - touch wood, she's very healthy, happy and intelligent). I am enjoying the physical closeness of bf, and my son looks so happy when he's doing it, but i know i need my sleep or i'll crack up. I've been topping him up with formula from his third night at home where he was screaming for milk but my breasts were empty.

I know in my heart that it's the right thing for me any my family; like i say, it's done my daughter no harm to be bottle fed almost from the start, but I feel SO guilty, like the worst mother in the world. Can't stop crying.

Just wondered if anyone has any words of advice or reassurance for me? My stepmum is great, but she's pretty anti bf (not big in the 60s when she had her kids). I just keep thinking, how come other people can do it and i can't? If he was my only one it wouldn't be a problem but i've got my beautiful daughter to think about, and i've done nothing but snap at her for the last 2 days cos i'm so tired. I guess what i'm looking for is someone to tell me i'm not a bad mam

Cheers,

Louxxx

[kb101]

it sounds to me like your kids are lucky to have a mum who has the strength and clarity of thought to do what is best for all of you as a family. i think lots of people feel bad for ending breastfeeding, due to the massive pressure to breastfeed at present.

your son has had breastmilk for longer than lots of babies do in the UK.

'sleep when the baby sleeps' was always rubbish advice for me, particularly when second son came along as it's impossible to sleep while a child is running about!

i breastfed first son for 10 months. second son got breastfed for 6 months, which was really hard going on all of us. when i did stop, it was a blessed relief.

i would like to ask the experts to compare the quality of breastmilk at the end of the day from a stressed, run-down, sleep-deprived mum of 2 without enough time to nourish herself properly, with formula milk.

breast might be best, but not at the expense of a happy mum who can care for herself, her children and partner.

good luck and i hope you feel better soon.

[NineUnlovelyTinselDecorations]

Of course you're tired Lou, you've got a newborn baby! So if you snap at your DD occasionally it doesn't make you a bad person or a bad mother.

If you WANT to BF and would like tips on how to manage in the first few weeks then I am sure lots of people on MN would be happy to give you the benefit of their experience. It can be done with older children around too and lots of people do.

But if you don't want to BF and it isn't right for you then you don't have to feel guilty. It categorically does not make you a bad mum. The trouble is, someone telling you that and believing it yourself are so completely different aren't they? (I know myself from experience). The best thing you can probably do is talk through your feelings. Maybe talk with people who are not anti BF though, as your stepmum might unwittingly make you feel worse.

Hope all goes well for you whatever you decide

[NineUnlovelyTinselDecorations]

kb101 I would disagree with your comment about the quality of breastmilk when the mother is tired and stressed - it doesn't turn sour, honestly

[ilovewashingnappies]

Can't even imagine having 2 - sounds like you're doing a great job!

I mix feed [please don';t shun me.... ;)
Breast feed during the day then hubby/mum/me gives bottle at night if I'm knackered - this has been fantastic for our family and milk supply seems fine. I

I think many years ago when extended family were around more and supported breast feeding mothers cos that's all they could do you'd have more support. In your situation, do what feels best. Breast has benefits and formular is not poisen.

Best of luck! Won't be this hard forever

[tiktok]

lou, you are a great mother who only wants what's best for her kids and her family - it's crystal clear from your post.

I second what Nine says - there are ways to help you bf without stress, without sleepless nights, and without worrying about supply, and if you want to know more, post here.

Topping up from day 3 is the worst way to get breastfeeding going, truly, and you needed proper help then to avoid it - in fact you have done well to have got to 2 weeks after that bad start, and continued topping up will have made things worse....but they can be turned round, and as I say, shout if you want to know more

kb is totally wrong in her implication that milk from stressed or poorly nourished mothers is in anyway affected quality wise, and frankly, that is not a kind thing to say to someone who is struggling - though I am sure she meant it kindly. Your milk is absolutely perfect for your baby, no matter how tired or distressed you are

[kb101]

NineUnlovelyTinselDecorations (i am sure they are lovely not unlovely!) - i just felt that with the 16 months of breastfeeding i did that my babies seemed ratty after a full feed late afternoon, when i was stressed and tired and had not eaten as well as i should have while breastfeeding.

hope it wasn't sour, anyway!!!

[kb101]

tiktok i did mean it kindly, and was talking from my own observations without wanting to project those onto LOU or anyone else.

out of interest, why do health visitors and certain newborn experts with famous books (think we're still not allowed to say her name?!) harp on about breastfeeding mums having toast AND cereal for breakfast, and more substantial meals than normal, if it's not about quality of milk???

[loulou1980]

Thankyou so much for all of your comments, it means a lot to me. I know that "breast is best" for babies, it's designed for them specificially so obviously healthier. But i really feel that it's getting me down.

I wish i hadn't "topped up" either, tho this was on the advice of 2 midwives! I knew that it was normal for babies to suckle at the breasts for hours at a time at the beginning of their lives, but my son was screaming with hunger all the time (you could hear his poor little belly rumbling).

I do have PCOS and have read that this can affect milk supply, so this could be the problem. I have tried to express but they're dry as a bone. My son has been feeding about 6 times a day since i started topping him up, but he's gone from having 1 extra ounce to 3 after every feed, so i know he's not getting much from me.

I think there's far too much pressure on mams to breastfeed these days, but not enough support out there. There's a bf support group at my local children's centre but it's stopping cos no-one attends it.

I just don't want to turn around in 3 or 4 weeks and feel even more guilty for stoppuing bf. As I said, when i stopped bf my daughter i was SO much happier and we've had a FANTASTIC relationship ever since.

xxx

[WewishyouaBUMPERLICIOUS]

lou you are certainly not a bad mother. you are doing your bests and the first few weeks are pretty hideous for anyone, especially someone with another child & a dh on shifts!

but like tiktok says if you do want to carry on feeding you will get lots of support on here. but whatever your decide you will be doing the best for you and you family.

i hope you find the support you need either way. Repeat after me: I am a wonderful mother and have produced two beautiful children all by myself. That makes me a superwoman!

[WewishyouaBUMPERLICIOUS]

loulou, are you feeding on demand?

[chibi]

From an evolutionary perspective, it would be extremely disadvantagoeus for milk quality to drop the moment a mother wasn't eating supermega nutritious meals. After all, our hunter-gatherer ancestors certainly couldn't guarantee what they'd eat every day, could they.

From a cynical perspective, I suspect that many hvs and baby gurus mandate certain meals because they are full of bolleaux.

[loulou1980]

Yeah I am, have been from the very start, big believer in it

[chibi]

Lou, you are not rubbish! I hope you get the support you need.

[ElfPolarBear]

loulou, can I ask if you are from the NE? Just wondering if you are local? I'm from the Durham area, there are a few of us.
[Goes back to stalking from a distance ]

[sarahtwoturtledoves]

Lou, please don't feel bad. I stopped Bfing first daughter after a few weeks and felt like I was really letting her down (she could never latch on well). As a result, the guilt led to PND which really made me feel guilty. I don't believe there is enough support for people who choose to bottle feed. I will never forget how I used to dread the sound of my baby waking for a breast feed, my stomach turned and I dreaded it. As soon as I got over the guilt of bottle feeding, i really enjoyed feeding times and never looked back. My second daughter was complete opposite, she never took a bottle and was breast fed for 10 months but it suited us at that time. When I look at my daughters, you would think that 1st daughter was breast fed 'cos she is bright, calm and skinny, while breast fed daughter is COMPLETE opposite. Do what is right for you and it WILL be right for your baby.

[ElfPolarBear]

Feel free to ignore me of course
I only have one DS so can't really give advice, but if you want to carry on bf then MN is defintely the place for support! If you have decided to stop then it sounds as though you've made a decision based on information and judging what's best for your family, which makes you a good mum imo!

[WewishyouaBUMPERLICIOUS]

loulou if you do want to carry on you WILL be able to, with lots of support, and it WILL get easier.

But if you decide you defo want to stop we will stop badgering you and just remind you what a fab job you are doing and how fab your kids will turn out (coz it's true!)

[5goldrings4MONKEYBIRDs]

Hi Lou

Nice to meet you. Just want to echo what everyone else says - MN is brilliant for support and, boy, it sounds like you need some right now. You're not a bad mum for putting your family first and doing what you need to do, so if you have made the decision to move to FF, then that's fine.

But you yourself said you've made this decision on a day (like today and yesterday) while you're feeling really low. I guess the question I have is what feels better: does having made that decision make you feel lighter, better, happier? Or does it make no difference actually? Or does it make you feel worse?

My instinct is to support you wholeheartedly whatever decision you make (and you can even change your mind back, and then back again, and I'm still on your side!) but to encourage you to think a bit longer and see if you can improve your mood before being so final? What if you waited to see what suggestions Tiktok et al have for coping with the BF and older children etc first? One more day?

You said 'how come other people can do it and I can't?' - honest answer is, you can, you HAVE BEEN and you can continue with the right help... If that's what you want...

But you have a lot on your plate and shouldn't feel guilty at all for making a very tough call. You could really do with some extra help - are there friends you can call in for a bit, only to return the favour later?

Maybe you could ask your GP for a referral to a therapist to help with the low mood issues also, if you don't want to take stuff for it?

HTH

[runnyhabbit]

Lou

You are not a bad mum. You're concerned about your family, which makes you the best kind of mum.

This sounded exactly like me when ds2 was 3 weeks old (he's now 8mths), and dh went back to work.

My dh works very long hours, and that first week he went back to work was HELL. Ds1 had just turned 2, and ds2 wanted me all the time. I honestly thought I was going to go mad I was diagnosed with PND by my fab GP, and the HV came out to me for a weekly chat - sometimes we didn't talk about babies at all!
The HV did recommend evening primose oil, and magnesium supplements, which do help my mood swings (even dh has commented)

Ds1 was ff, and have felt guilty about it ever since. I was so determined to bf this time, but I had no idea the work and pain that would be involved. Then I discovered co-sleeping (not sure if you do this) I never totally slept (scared I squashed him) but I managed to rest, iyswim.

I think I'm waffling but I just wanted you to know that the support on MN is fab, and that you're not alone for feeling like this.

Btw, I'm still bf ds2.

[loulou1980]

Hi elfPolarBear, yeah i'm from stockton-on-tees. Guess you could tell with me saying "mam" not "mum"!

Hubby's just come in from work, he's behind me whatever i do, and is willing to do every other night feed while's he's off work over christmas. Gonna give my ds his last breast feed now, so there'll be tears i'm sure! But i really feel it's the rite decision for me and my family.

Thankyou so much for all of your supportive comments, they are so much appreciated.

xxx

[WewishyouaBUMPERLICIOUS]

Sounds like you need a break lou. Don't beat yourself up about your decision and don't be afraid to ask for help from the people around you. And we are all here for you if you change your mind

[tiktok]

kb, you ask "out of interest, why do health visitors and certain newborn experts with famous books (think we're still not allowed to say her name?!) harp on about breastfeeding mums having toast AND cereal for breakfast, and more substantial meals than normal, if it's not about quality of milk???"

The answer is because they do not understand much abiout breastfeeding. Toast and cereal will make not a ha'porth worth of difference to the quality of the milk, and anyone who suggests this is revealing her ignorance.

It's good for all mothers to feel well-fed, though, of course. But it won't affect the milk.

lou - I hope things work out for you. If you change your mind, you can ask for help here

[tastychristmaspud]

hey lou how are doing today?