Breastfeeding my newborn means I can't spend time with my toddler. Any suggestions?

[LiliAnjelika]

I have a 2.5 yr old toddler and am consumed by guilt over the amount of time I spend breastfeeding my newborn and not paying as much attention to my toddler. I know she is distressed and hurt and jealous from changes in her behaviour and from the fact that she is now waking at night and I'm at the point of packing it in I feel so bad, but then I feel equally guilty at the thought of denying my newborn breastmilk, as I breastfed my toddler for 14 months. Anyone got any suggestions?

[MarsLady]

One of the best suggestions I ever saw was a box that had toys and books for the toddler that only came out when breastfeeding.

Also.... you can feed the baby and read to your toddler.

hth

[berolina]

Reading books together on the sofa during bf time. My ds1 is also 2.5 and adores books, so this makes a lot of the constant bf of 6 week old ds2 easy. Looking at photo albums another good option.

DVDs/CBeebies is another possible option - we don't have a TV.

Special box or basket of (favourite) toys that only come out while you are bf.

Learn to bf in a sling.

[sparklesandwine]

Lili sorry you feel like this if you have a regular feeding pattern then try and think of things in advance you can do with your older DC whilst you are feeding. With mine i used to plan it so that I could read stories with the older ones, or go through flash cards, get the older ones to sit with me and watch what the baby was doing and talk about it so they were involved too, get a colouring book and crayons ready so they could sit and do pictures next to me - that type of thing!! there's actually quite a bit you can do with your toddler whilst feeding, so don't feel to bad about it you just need to find your pattern you'll be fine

[onepieceoflollipop]

My baby is 11 weeks old and dd1 is 3.10 years. I have similar feelings to you.

Just a couple of thoughts/some reassurance. From own experience and talking to others all toddlers are "put out" to some extent or another by a new arrival. In our case dd1 is lovely towards baby, but has become very cheeky and disobedient to us. (and occasionally getting up at 5am too - awful after getting up twice already to feed!) It is getting slightly easier now as the feeds don't take so long now dd2 is getting bigger.

Some things that help us: be ready with distractions for your toddler whilst feeding - e.g. reading with her or if desperate CBeebies! When not feeding try and spend even a short time exclusively with toddler. (if you have a dp leave baby with him even if only for 15 minutes). I don't like being far from the baby but I may take dd1 to local shop etc "just mummy and her, not the baby"

Hope some of this helps, sending good wishes and sympathy to you, oh and btw congratulations on your new baby. x

[FieryGlassSlipper]

Sing songs, read books, watch tv, let her dance or do forward rolls for you. Lots of things you can do. Lie in bed and feed and let toddler lie down and snuggle too.

It will get better as the newborn settles a bit

[DingDongDaisilyOnHigh]

I read to my DS when BFing my DD, or he gets to watch the evil Jetix, but he is a bit older than your DD.

Could she "feed" her dollies at the same time?

[LiliAnjelika]

Will do both these things. Berolina, do you breastfeed in a sling, and if so, which one?
I haven't even mastered breastfeeding in bed yet so I can\t quite see it. I think part of the distress I'm feeling is the fact that my partner - who is at home at the moment - puts CBeebies on as soon as I start to feed which means my toddler is watching hours of TV a day. I get really angry that he doesn't do something else with her but I don't want to argue with him, as we're all a bit fragile at the moment.

[onepieceoflollipop]

ooh yes feeding dollies - dd1 loves to do this. One day she put the dolly up her top, then changed her mind and put dolly on her legs (face down) and said she would feed her from her leg rather than her boob!

[FieryGlassSlipper]

Dont worry about them watching tv for this inital period. You can reduce it as feeding becomes more established. My Dd watched quite a bit but as soon as the feeds get quicker you have more time for them. A bit of tv wont hurt your DD - just let her stuff that makes her happy at, what is actually, a difficult time for her

[beautifuldays]

have you tried using a sling, then you can feed the baby and get up and play with your toddler.

[onepieceoflollipop]

Can sympathise with your feeling angry with dp about putting the tv on a lot. We have similar disagreements, with me shouting that I am up several times in the night so the least he can do is try and entertain dd1 as he is not so sleep deprived. Then I feel guilty because when he is not here I do exactly the same - i.e. put tv on for an "easy life".

[gigglewitch]

i have 3 dc, 3 yr age gap then 2 yr gap. Used the time bf-ing to cuddle up on sofa with toddler and a good book, it was a really lovely time. If late evening, we cuddled up in bed instead ... dh regularly had to redistribute sleeping DC to make room for himself

[sweetkitty]

Would echo others, books are great, the good thing about BFing is you can latch the baby on, baby doesn't care and devote all your attention to the toddler, cbeebies also good. It does get easier once the baby starts getting quicker at feeding. Oh also forgot DD1 used to "feed" her baby as well.

[LiliAnjelika]

Thanks for all your suggestions. It's a measure of how exhausted I am that I hadn't thought of these things. Also my baby feeds all the time )has put on 3lb in 2 wks)!

[onepieceoflollipop]

3lb in 2 weeks that is fantastic. Sounds like you are doing really well even if you don't feel as if you are.

[sparklesandwine]

forgot to say earlier - Congratultions!!

[berolina]

I have a fantastic sling-type thing called the Marsupi (tried to link to it on another thread and it didn't work), but currently do not bf in it.

Sounds a little like the issue is that your dh isn't supporting you as he could be,by taking the easy way out wrt entertaining your dd during feeds. I know the equilibrium after a new baby is fragile, but it might really be necessary to have a calm chat about it.

[LiliAnjelika]

I forgot to add that the most difficult time is bedtime - my baby wants feeding most when it's my dd's bedtime - and I especially want to devote this time to my dd. At the moment I'm using expressed milk for the baby at dd's bedtime so i can get the feed over and done with quickly, but then you get into a vicious cycle of skipping feeds, having to express more, etc - and I hate expressing! I' sure I'll work it all out. Talking about it really helps.

[gigglewitch]

P.S. stop worrying, little people are very adaptable and this time of adjustment for all of you won't take too long.
You have plenty to do - and exta causes for stress are not what you need.
I do understand tho, i felt just the same both times (and no it didnt get any better on the arrival of number3) because now there is another quite demanding LO needing attention, and you are so used to spending plenty quality time with the older one. Don't let the older one see that you feel cheated out of the time with them, just re-arrange your perspective on it and call it "DC1's chill-out time". My DS2 actually used to nag me to feed DD because he enjoyed this chance to cuddle up & read...normally neither he nor i sit down so it was good for us, and now we try to do it a few times a week, a lasting positive effect from the experience!

[LiliAnjelika]

Will look up the Marsupi sling - thanks. oH DEAR, my boobs are required as we speak. Be back later.

[WriggleJiggle]

I logged on to mn tonight to do a search on this topic! Everyone said that dd would not be jealous of dd2 as she is only 18 months. dd obviously didn't read the same instruction manual!

Its such hard work. Fortunately dd1 likes books, but she also likes to sit on my knee whilst reading which is difficult. I feel so guilty when dd2 cries, but when they're both screaming or dd2 is tantruming its impossible to get the right balance.

[berolina]

During ds1's bedtime dh has ds2. If he cries for a short while, he cries. I do my very best not tolet him cry, but feel that ds1 really needs those precious bedtime minutes (book, lullaby, goodnight cuddle and kiss) completely undisturbed with me.

[onepieceoflollipop]

Bedtime is the worst; I think that too. Babies usually needs lots of attention/feeding at that point, and the older child is used to that special time with you.

On a practical note we have taken to eating ridiculously early with dd1 if possible (5ish) as otherwise by the time both are settled not only are you potentially irritable with hunger, one of you then has to go and start cooking and clearing up after!We then have pudding/treat after we have successfully settled both.

[gigglewitch]

oh another little gem i remembered about bedtime. may work, may not be practical, but anyway ... toddler person help to wash / dry baby, daddy takes baby off (he even ended up driving in the car on a couple of occasions) for as long as he can manage. If totally stuck, have a family crash-out in your bed. It won't happen often and it beats getting stressed.

[Trimum2]

Agree with giggle. in the evening helping with the bath seems to be a hit DS1/DS2 bonding. especially whacking on layers of cream on DS2(I try not say "noooo - too much!).

However..... DS1 has watched more tv /dvd since DS2 than he had in his whole life up till now! I really don't feel guilty. I guess I feel relaxed about it because i view it as temporary and right now.. needs must etc.

He stands beside me when I am feeding and we read a book. he likes that also. Plus I got some of those story CDs so have that playing while I am feeding so we are interacting even if i am not actually physically playing with him on the floor.