Formula Feeders racked with guilt - wanna talk?

[mamawhyte]

Just come over from another thread - rather than hijack that one.

I was always (and always will be) a pro-breastfeeder, but unfortunately have been completely disillusioned by my two experiences. For some reason, bf is so hard for me - some women seem to take to it naturally but no matter how hard I've tried I've not managed to overcome bf problems.

I had dd1 after a long and painful labour which ended with a 3rd degree tear. I was so exhausted I couldn't hold my new baby for long so when they asked me if I wanted to try to feed her I said no because I truly felt like i'd drop her. I went off to have my op and by the time I got back, she was asleep. I'd had pethadine during the labour and as a result she slept for 12 hours solid. The midwives said not to wake her, the ped said I should, and they had a big row about it in the corridor outside my ward. Anyway, I was there for four days and the whole time not one of the midwives managed to get her to latch on. By the time I left the hospital she'd had a bottle of formula but I was still determined to get the hang of bfeeding. I tried a nipple shield and she latched on, sucked for 45 mins and then woke 10mins later and drunk a whole bottle of formula! I asked the mw and she said "oh, she's probably getting something if she's latched on for that long". But my confidence was knocked and I had no support from relatives. I tried again and again but the same thing kept happening. I expressed milk 3 times a day for a month for her but the rest of the time she had bottles.

The guilt was something else. I'd think about bfeeding all day every day until it became too much to bear, then I'd break down, fess up to hubby who'd convince me I needed to get some help. I'd agree, but the the following morning I'd wake up feeling so much happier and lighter because I'd talked about with dh and got it all back into perspective, so I didn't bother with the doctor. A few weeks later, it would start building up again and within a couple of months I'd have another breakdown, blah de blah.

This cycle went on for 3 years until I became pregnant again. At last I could prove to myself that I could do it - I had a second chance. But suffered a miscarriage at 12 weeks. It was really sad, but the only positive thing that came out of it was that it had broken the cycle.

Three months later I was pregnant again. This time, I was completely devoted to successfully breastfeeding from the moment I found out. I hired a doula to help me after the birth to make sure the baby latched on straight away and that I had some support. dh was also fantastic. I had an elective c-section, recommended due to the third degree tear I suffered the first time round. I had a birth plan which stated that as long as all was well, I wanted to try to feed her as soon as possible, and I did - on the operating theatre table. And she latched on perfectly!! I was thrilled. My doula spent hours with me at the hospital for the first few days, helping me to perfect the latch and the I transferred to a birth centre for two nights so that I could concentrate on me and my baby before I went home. I had my breastfeeding book and my baby and apart from bits of my nipples being peeled off when I took my breastpad away from my nipple and my baby puking up an incredible amount of dried blood after she had her first proper full feed on the third day, everything seemed to be going fine. I got home and became so obsessed with breasfeeding that I thought of nothing else. Being cooped up for 6 wks didn't help either! I had my doula, midwives, health visitors and a breast feeding counsellor all reassuring me that she was latched on fine, but they kept saying "it shouldn't hurt", so I knew it wasn't right because I had to be on ibruprofen and paracetomol 24/7. I started to feel increasingly isolated and depressed and had mastitis when dd2 was 3 weeks old. Antibiotics sorted that out, so I carried on. I got it again when she was 5 weeks old, but this time the antibiotic didn't have any effect, so doc gave me another - the only other one available to me apparently, because I'm allergic to penicillin. He said it wasn't ideal to take whilst bf ing, only if truly neccessary, which it was. So, I took it - doc told me to see how it went. DD2 cried inconsolably all day like she was really uncomfortable and it was awful. I had to take them for 7 days and there was no way I was putting her through that for a week, so I started to give her bottles of formula and tried to express as much as possible to keep the milk supply up, but it dwindled and by day 7 I wasn't getting enough for a full feed. I tried to bf her in the morning and evening, but had to top up with a bottle. She was so upset when she couldn't have mummy's milk from a lovely warm breast for the second part of her feed and it broke my heart. Enough was enough!

Reading back I can see that all my choices were always in my baby's best interests. It's so nice to get it off my chest once in a while when I can feel that cycle coming back.

I read about a lady who bf for 6 months and hated every second, but was determined. She had masitis 9 times and was surprised when her baby took to the bottle really well and wouldn't even let her mummy hold the bottle. Sometimes you can go too far I think, but I still think she must have been incredibly strong to go through all that.

Well, if anyone has actually managed to get to the end of this - well done!!! Maybe this thread is just for me - it'd probably bore the pants off anyone else. Thanks for reading.

[lissie]

and its obviously really traumatised you. how long ago did you stop bfing?

[CrookshanksinJimmyChoos]

I had to have an emergency c section with DS....I was in a lot of pain but gave b/feeding my best shot in hospital but it was soooo hard.

When I was having problems, the midwife would just ram my nipples into his mouth and it hurt a lot but I thought well, I've got to get used to it. Then the midwife blamed the way I was sitting for the problems he was having, so I had to move from the bed to the chair next to the bed every time I wanted to feed him - which in those early days, was an awful lot so I spent most of the night in the chair beside the bed, feeding him in the rugby hold as was too painful to do it across my tummy, with my hands going numb as I had carpel tunnel syndrome that didn't go away right after birth.

This carried on for about 3 days and then at 3am on the last night I was in hospital, I was totally exhausted and my nipples were so sore and DS just wouldn't stop screaming. I asked for some formula and had the midwife being extremely hissy over it. Then she marched over with a leaflet entitled the dangers of introducing artificial feeding and made me read it before I gave him a bottle - making me feel like I was about to give him arsenic or something! I was excited about feeding him and him actually having enough to satisfy his needs but was told no, you can't feed him as we are feeding him from a cup...so I said well please, let me do that...no, we have to do it as we cannot teach you how to feed from a cup...cue me sobbing on the bed and feeling a total failure.

The upshot of all this was that I came home from hospital, milk flow wasn't established properly - probably from the sheer exhuastion and lack of sleep, my nipples were bleeding and scabbing from all of the incorrect latching on. DS was needing to suckle every hour or so and it wasn't coming out fast enough for him so he would kick in sheer frustration which would hurt my scar.

There was just no rest at all for me and still the HV pushed and pushed breastfeeding. I was feeling that I was destined to stay in and breastfeed constantly and that none of my needs mattered at all, it was breasfeeding all the way. I started expressing milk to give my poor nipples (and scar) a chance to heal but then got told if I did this, my milk would dry out and wouldn't become established properly and I was like well what do I do??! It was sheer hell!

In the end, I gave up breastfeeding and expressed and did a mixture of EBM and FF....then switched to formula completely. It wasn't ideal....do I regret it - yes I do and I have so much respect for breast feeding but I just couldn't carry on with the pain I was having - was making me so miserable! A new baby is already a complete upheaval and when you have extra things like c sections and PND to cope with, breasfeeding is like a huge mountain you just can't climb!

Each to their own I say and DS is doing fabulous on formula - can't wish for any more than that can you really!

[mamawhyte]

dd2 is nearly 5 months now, but I must say I feel better about it this time round. It just keeps creeping back to haunt me, and judging by some of the mums on the other thread, i'm not the only one. I just feel cross that there's never any support available. Maybe I should have started this thread in a more positive way, but sometimes it works best if you write out how you're feeling and then you can get it all back into perspective. I actually feel much better for typing it all out. Thanks for reading it!

[madamez]

I tried to BF and couldn't. I have flat nipples and had been induced, was also on massive doses of beta blockers for high BP after giving birth - and DS has inherited my pointy nose and chin which meant latching him on was almost impossible especially with next to no milk. So I gave him some formula when he was 24 hours old, and kept trying with the tits, and getting about 2 drops down him, had one day where there was a bit of a surge of milk and he had 1 good feed but the next day it had gone again, so kept topping up with formula, trying to express milk, drinking fennel tea and taking fenugreek capsules... and giving him a suckle or two every day which usually got about 3 drops down him after I'd all but wrung out each tit. So after about a month when there was just nothing coming out at all, I stopped even trying.
Well he's 2.9 now, fit, healthy, good appetite, bright and chatty etc. So I refuse to feel guilty about it. Formula isn't poison and it's better than starving a baby if you can't cope with BF.

[mamawhyte]

I must say, thinking about it in a positive light, I definitely started to bond with dd2 after I stopped bf ing. Up until then, I dreaded every feed because it was so painful.

[Twinklemegan]

Oh Mamawhyte. First of all don't feel inadequate in any way when you hear other people's experiences. Only you know what you went through, and only you know the best thing for you. What's the use of breastfeeding for the first 6 months if you hate every minute of it and it ruins that precious time with your baby?

Your story really resonates with me. I too found breastfeeding unbearably painful, even though everyone told me the latch was fine. DS was very difficult to feed as well and every feed was a real struggle. The memories are fading now, but I really feel for you.

It turns out my problems had a lot to do with my DS having an undiagnosed tongue tie. The diagnosis came too late as we had to give up breastfeeding altogether when he was 4.5 months. But in hindsight I now feel very proud to have continued giving him some breastmilk for so long. I am very pleased for women who have more resilience than I did, but that wasn't the right thing for me and DS. It was only when I gave in and started him on some formula that I was able to bond with him and start being a proper mum instead of a blubbering wreck.

I really hope that is has helped to write down you experience in this way. I know it helped me hugely when I did the same.

[rainbow83]

Hi,

i formula fed dd1. IO suffered from:
c section- she couldnt latch on to my very flat nipples- fed 24 hours a day once eventually latched on- torn, fissured bleeding nipples- exquisite pain- PND-blocked ducts- 3 bouts of mastisis- baby again unable to latch on due to nipples falling off completely- both boobs packed with breast abscesses- admitted to A&E- stayed for 2 weeks in hosp- various needles pocked directly into abscesses as i screamed in pain & no anaesthetic was administered- gunk falling out of my breasts- finally boobs cut open whilst i was put to sleep- woke up to find 4 tubes sticking out of each boob to drain the remaining gunk- had to go to a nurse several times a week to have wound cleaned- wound became re-infected- had to have it treated bu 'burning it' with silver nitrate as the wound overgrew itself- more PND, SO depressed i couldnt look at myself naked in the mirror for fear of looking at my c section scar and my breast scars which are 4 life. couldnt even look at another woman breastfeeding without going somewhere quiet to sob myself silly. took a long long time to stop blaming myself.

dd2- got pregnant qukcly when dd1 was only 10 months old- had nightmares about breastfeeding that my newborn was digging fangs into my nipples-told my midwife i would not plan to breastfeed & this was noted- planned to bottlefeed from the word go-dd2 was born naturally albeit 3 weeks late- she latched on straight away, poor thing was crying and thats what she wanted- she had little short feeds every 2-3 hours , never for longer than 10 minutes- i kept on saying, this is the last feed coz i'm not going down that route again- 6 months later she is exclusively breastfed & i have never been more passionate about anything in my whole life, or proud

conclusion: i have respect, sympathy and understanding for both parties. It is very easy to breastfeed your baby and become judgemental about those who formula feed, and it is very easy to formula feed your baby and become defensive to those who breastfeed. but i've been on both sides and I can see where everyone is coming from & just think that whilst it would be great if everyone who wanted to could breastfeed, in the meanwhile there is nothing wrong with formula feeders gathering to discuss their own issues so why cant everyone just let it be?

also, do not be racked with guilt. do not do not do not.

[youpeskykids]

Absolutely NOTHING, NADA, ZERO, NICHT, to feel guilty about.

Please, let's not give the breast-is-best Muffia something to gloat over.

You shouldn't feel the need to explain or justify why you are formula feeding.

IT IS NOT A CRIME!!!!

Just an alternative method of parenting.

Be proud.

[expatinscotland]

DD1 was born after 24 hours of labour in one of the hottest summers on record - June, 2003 - in a hospital known for being hot, hot, hot.

I had a drip inserted, but no fluids.

Nothing.

Forceps delivery after 2 hours of pushing, stitches, mega epidural.

They made my husband go home and I wound up walking myself to teh toilet using a wall for support as my legs were on pins and needles still and no one answered my call button.

I felt like SHIT from dehydration - never offered me any fluids even after the birth and I was too weak and out of sorts to ask. Was also on drugs for hypertension.

Had antenatal depression that soon morphed into PND so bad I barely remember the next 18 months.

Tried breastfeeding for all of about a day.

She's been physically very healthy - touch wood.

Dyspraxia and global gross motor and fine motor skills delays - idiopathic, although DH and all his dad's side have disabilities.

I have guilt about most of my adult life now.

[startouchedtrinity]

mama, I've been there. I couldn't bfeed dd1 after she was born by c-section under a g/a - she was in intensive care - I tried so hard when I got home but the pain was so bad. I got mastisis too, and only bonded with her once bf stopped. But I felt so guilty and I got pnd. I did bf dd2 for 22 months - which was lovely - but I couldn't bfeed ds due to dd2 being seriously ill at the time of his birth and him having a tongue tie - I simply had no time to keep trying and I was in agony - and again I got mastisis.

Ffeeding ds shocked me b/c it brought back happy memories of ffeeding dd1, memories I didn't think even existed. And dd2 is my sickly one, the two ffed babies are like carthorses.

I'm still sad I couldn't bfeed dd1 and ds - he is my last and I won't ever bfeed another baby. But I don't feel guilty b/c I had no choice - that is teh one thing I've learned from being able to do both, that in the circumstances when I stopped I had no option whatsoever. There can be some very hurtful comments on here about ffeeding and I urge you and anyone else to be proud of being brave enough to say 'enough is enough' and do the best for your babies.

[Twinklemegan]

I think Tiktok once explained it quite well though. You bought a ticket for the breastfeeding bus, and ended up on the formula feeding bus. You didn't want to end up at that destination so it feels all wrong and leads to guilt.

[Desiderata]

I really wish you'd chosen a different title for your thread.

Why should anyone be racked with guilt? You've just given the breast evangelists an enormous filip.

[Twinklemegan]

I'd say it describes my feelings a few months back incredibly well though Desiderata

[Desiderata]

Twinklemegan's post being a prime example.

I bought a ticket for the bf bus, but I very happily swapped it for the ff bus. It was an easier ride for the pair of us.

[Twinklemegan]

Prime example of what Desiderata?

[Desiderata]

Twinkle, I know how it feels. I was there myself and cried my eyes out when I made the decision to give it up.

That was hormonal, and I don't regret it now. I had a shit time with bf.

My target was really only six weeks any way (which I managed, just).

six months is fine, but why you'd want to bf a kid that talks is quite beyond me.

[pastalady]

mamawhyte

You have had a really hard time and you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT when you say that 'looking back all your choices were in your baby's best interests'.

The fact is that BF varies from being relatively easy to establish with relatively few problems for some women, to weeks and weeks of stress, pain and anxiety for others. Some get through it. Some don't. It depends mainly on luck in my view. What kind of birth you have, how your baby takes to BF, how the system looks after you, what support you get afterwards, health. Think about it. There are so many factors and virtually ALL of them are out of your control. You clearly love your babies and put an enourmous amount of effort into BF and you should feel proud of yourself for that. With your first baby, you clearly had a tough birth and were let down by the system. With your second baby, your health was a major factor. Not your fault.

There are so many mums who go through this and I find it heartbreaking to think of womnderful, loving mums like you that have tried so hard and gone through so much sitting there feeling guilty. Babies are nurtured by love and affection more than what type of milk they drink for what is a tiny blip of months in an entire lifespan. Remember that.

Allot of women seem to come to terms with things like this over time. You sound like you want to do that in your post and there is every chance that you will. I know of one lady who desperately wanted to BF both her DD's but didn't for many different reasons with each. She actually went on a BF peer support training course and found learning indepth informationabout BF and talking about her experiences with other women really theraputic. She learned things she had no idea about and she could make sense of what happened to her which helped her move on. Now she supports other mums who want to BF.

Stop punishing yourself. Write about it. Talk about it. Read about it and let it go. xx x x

Sorry this is so long!

x x x

[mamawhyte]

Actually, I think it's often a lot less to do with guilt and more to do with grief at your inability have a successful experience.

I've always been of the "natural" ilk. You know, cloth nappies, homeopathy, nature as a whole. So, being passionate about all things natural, yet not being able to breastfeed your own baby is really hard to accept. I still get that maternal yearning to put her to the breast and feel like i'm really missing out. I know I did the right thing, but I always feel envious of mothers who breastfeed.

However, I'm proud to have done my absolute best and to know that I stopped before it became detrimental to dd2's welfare. It was great to get back to being myself and to enjoy feeding my baby without having to feel resentful.

[Desiderata]

Twinkle, prime example of the wording of this thread. You obviously do feel guilty about ff, but loads of us don't. I just feel that it's added more grist to the mill.

[startouchedtrinity]

I felt racked with guilt. I don't now, but that doesn't change the reality that once I did, I was so ashamed I wanted to die. If Mama is feeling guilty then by saying so she allows others to help her not feel that way - if she denies it then nothing changes.

[startouchedtrinity]

mama, one of the best things my hv said to me was that I would have to grieve over not bfeeding dd1 - she'd not been able to bfeed herself and so knew exactly what it feels like. You do need to grieve, for the relationship you imagined, for the experiences, but in truth they only ever existed in your head and mine. Embrace what you have, it is so beautiful.

[mamawhyte]

I hope that this thread will help some mums who have successfully breastfed and feel very strongly about it to see that it's really tough for some people and they shouldn't be made to feel guilty about it.

[WackyJacqui]

Nothing to feel guilty about. I was in the same boat, and felt so guilty about not bfeeding at the time. But I bonded so well with my little one, and you have the benefit of those little eyes staring up at you at every feed. You would go insane if you got upset about everything you are 'supposed' to do and don't or can't - e.g. cook every puree! Much better to be a bit more relaxed and a happy parent for your little one.

[mamawhyte]

There are tears in my eyes!! Thanks for your kind words, but I didn't want to wallow, just to share my experiences with others so that we can all feel we're not alone and get a nice boost of positivity!

I think it's time for us all to feel proud of our choices, and accept that we are all different, but all have the same goal - to do the best for our children.

[CrookshanksinJimmyChoos]