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Infant feeding

Long one - OK, pregnant with DC3, want to breastfeed, but have um issues.... help get my head round them please..... please..... help

57 replies

Hopeitwontbebig · 17/04/2007 11:35

I will try and keep this brief....

My background is... my Mum didn't breastfeed us, and she almost sounded shocked at the suggestion that she might have breastfed, like it was something dirty.

During both my previous pregnancies I planned to breastfeed. DS1 was 10lb 10oz and I had a bad labour, he was posterior and I suffered a bad tear. I attempted to breastfeed but he made my nipples bleed within a few minutes. I was already starting to feel depressed and it made me feel like I didn't like my baby. The midwifes tried bullying me into breastfeeding and it just made me more and more depressed. As soon as I got home I bottle fed him. I was then put on anti-depressants so couldn't have taken up breastfeeding if I'd wanted to.

DS2 latched on really well at hospital, labour was perfect, no tears or anything. I bonded really well with him. On day 3 depression seemed to hit me again, but it resulted in horrible anxiety attacks, I was prescribed Diazepam, this worked brilliantly, but again, because of the drugs, had to change to bottle. When DS2 was 5 weeks old we moved house, so were REALLY busy and I just continued with bottle feeding. When DS was 7 weeks old I asked community nurse if I could take up breast feeding again as I was still getting milk, but she said there would be no point.

OK - my issues are

  1. When I was BF I felt like a cow,
  2. I feel embarrassed getting my breasts out in front of people,
  3. It feels somehow 'rude' to me, because breasts are associated with sex,
  4. I have a tendancy to suffer from depression and end up on medication, albeit for a very short while,
  5. I get told that because my babies are big I will end up breastfeeding constantly (DS2 was 10lb 4oz)

    I really really want to get over these hurdles, because I desperately want to be able to BF this one, due in September, so you've got a while to help me....

    Thank you in advance, again sorry for long one.
OP posts:
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TheBlonde · 17/04/2007 12:03

I might be wrong but I thought some ADs were okay for breastfeeding

I think the big baby feeding all the time thing is a myth.

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SheRa · 17/04/2007 12:15

Ok, trying to be constructive for you:

  1. I felt a bit like that at first but the more you do it the more natural and beautiful it seemed for me
  2. I tucked the corner of a muslin into my bra strap and then draped it over the baby (stops the baby getting distracted too) and no-one could see ANYTHING. If you don't want to do it in front of people don't but make sure it is your choice and not theirs. (I was fine about doing it in a cafe/ shopping centre but not in front of FIL!)
  3. Get over it! Your breasts are there for a reason not that I'm saying they don't have other uses mine reverted back to their 'other use' when I had finished no complaints from me or my DH.
  4. Breasfeeding helped me with my PND (because I felt it was the only thing I could do right at the time) If you tell the Dr how important this is to you he can presribe AD suitable for BF
  5. Big/Small, at first you will be BF all the time BUT this does change and the feeds do get more spaced out.

    Hope this helps a bit and best of luck for September!
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belgo · 17/04/2007 12:23

It's good to hear that you are still open to bfing despite privious bad experiences. Just because previously it has been bad doesn't mean that the next time will also be bad.

You are doing the right thing by looking for advice.

  1. I often said this, but made a joke of it.
  2. You can bf very discreetly, and even use a shawl for extra discretion. It is becoming more common to see bfing in public.
  3. breasts are for both bfing and for sex
  4. some antidepressants you can take whilst bfing
  5. my babies were small and bf constantly. That's just what some babies do.

    Good luck
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FioFio · 17/04/2007 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pansypants · 17/04/2007 12:25

ohh yuo sound so sad, have you thought about investing in a couple of proper bfing t-shirts/tops for when yuo are out, perhaps that will make you feel less selfconscious, or a baby sling (v. reasonable on e-bay) as you can feed baby very discreetly. I know how you feel about getting yuor norks out, as i am quite a private person, but you really truly cant see anything. i was out with my lo and fed her in a cafe, everyone thiguht she was lovely , lots of smiles one old dear came up and said "sorry for interrupting ...baby lovely etc,,, oh didnt realsie you were feeding - sorry - so it can be very discreet.
try not to worry too much and think about bfing one day at a time, and before you know it you will be up and running. Also ge tthe support of a bfing counsellor
good luck.

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moondog · 17/04/2007 12:28

Hi Hope.

I think it is fine to feel a little weird about it all.
I remember feeling the same before having a baby (but having said that I also felt weird about squeezing it out of my nether regions!)

i would suggest a talk with a breastfeeding counsellor who could recommend you somethnig useful and inspiring to read.
Would you be up for that?

Try the Assoc. for Breastfeeding Mothers

0870 401 7711

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ferradi · 17/04/2007 12:30

My DS is 11 months old and i am still breastfeeding him and i don't feel like a cow in the slightest! It is a beutiful experience and helps you bond. There is a lot of feeding in the first few weeks and it does seem that all your time is spent feeding but that soon changes, and you can always breast and bottle feed. A lot of people don't recommend this and it is not something that i did but i don't see a problem with it and it may help you if you combine feed. Whatever you decide to do, do it because you want to don't let others pressure you or bully you. GOOD LUCK xx

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moondog · 17/04/2007 12:31

My biggest revelation was discovering that people don't care if you are breastfeeding in public.Generally noone is really looking at anyone else and even if they are,by the time you have practiced in the comfort of your own home for a few weeks you can generally be so discreet as to be unnoticeable.

As for associating breasts with sex,well that's fine.Haven't you heard of multi-tasking? Also,do you honestly think your average bloke only associates his penis with weeing?

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SheRa · 17/04/2007 12:33

Ha Ha, love the penis/weeing thing, classic MN!

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Swizzler · 17/04/2007 12:33

Don't think about bfing for x period - just take it one day at a time. Have skin-to-skin contact after the birth and see if the baby will latch on as soon as poss. Think about bfing while in hospital (if you;re havig a hospital birth). When you get home, think about bfing for the day and see how it goes.

It is useful to have some numbers to call in case of probs - your local LL counsellor, helplines etc. Also have a look at www.kellymom.com as there's lots of useful info there.

Good luck!

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Swizzler · 17/04/2007 12:35

Oh and get as much support as poss for the first few weeks, esp if you've had problems with depression in the past. It's your job to feed the baby (and recover from the birth) - everything else can be delegated . Stay in bed (or on the sofa if you must!) and feed!

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moondog · 17/04/2007 12:36

Soory Ferradi but i must point out that on the whole it is not a good idea to breast and bottle feed especailly in the early days.

Your breasts produce milk because they are stimulated to do so by the baby sucking.If you give bottles,the baby sucks less and the breasts produce less milk which usually leads to more bottle feeding and the eventual breakdown of breastfeeding.

Hop,this is why it is so important to get support from a breastfeeding counsellor through organisations like Sssoc for Breadtfeeding Mothers,La Leche and National Childbirth Trust. It is sad but true that a lot of the people who we think can help us with breastfeeding,such as GPs,midwives and HVs have no idea what they are on about and are effectively talking through their hats.

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Lizzer · 17/04/2007 12:49

Hello hopeit, I am no psychologist but I'm sure that your mother's attitude has made you feel this way about your breasts. The (straight to) bottlefeeders I know were f/fed and vice versa (if they've been around their mothers whilst pg themselves.) TBH I'm not sure I could've battled through some of the icky first days and weeks if my mum wasn't there telling me it will all be ok and I would eventually enjoy it. I guess if you can get a good counsellor they can replace that need for someone to tell you how well you're doing and how you should take each day at a time. I recently helped my dp's cousin as her mother has sadly passed away, bought some breast pads, provided encouragement and just made a few jokes about sore nipples and how time flies and suddenly it doesn't seem so endless and thankless when you see baby thriving and by 6 weeks most people have cracked it.

I didn't b/feed in public a lot I must admit (things might change with no.2 now I'm millitant and all ) But it didn't stop me shopping, eating out, seeing friends going to the park etc, so don't feel you'll have to do it if you prefer privacy.

PS top tip for sore nipples - silveron breast pads from breastfeedingheaven.co.uk.. They help a LOT I've witnessed it first hand!

Good luck no matter what you choose

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Cazee · 17/04/2007 13:55

On the Kellymom site I read a lovely thing, It says to think about each day you BF as a gift to your child (rather that a chore), I thought that was beautiful, and helped me re-frame those hours I spend with her when she is having a growth spurt. I look at her little face and think, "This is my gift to you little one".
I think it is lovely that despite all your concerns you still want to try breastfeeding.

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TeeCee · 17/04/2007 14:07

Firstly I think it's great you are trying to get your head round your issues now rather than saying 'ohhh I can't b.feed'.

with regsrd to you issues

  1. I didn't feel like a cow buit sometimes int eh early days when all tehy did was feed I felt a bit trapped and like a feedign machine. Then it sorted itself out and I didn't have to feed quite as much. There are soem unpleasent aspects to bfeeding like waking up soaked and as you say some people feelign like cows etc, but the positives far outweigh the little negatives and if you stick with it and are able to b.feed I really do believe it is the most satisfying, beautiful thing int eh world.

  2. Loads of people feel embarressed about feeding in public. You can be really discreet, but special b.feeding tops, take muslins out with you and feed in provate ares. Or you culd try expressing so that when you are out shopping and he or she needs feeding you can whip a bottle of breastmilk out instead???

  3. All I can say is that you know it's not rude and it's nothing to do with sex and you have to get yourself over that one yourself really. Breastfeeding is totally natural and why we have boobs, as you know. BF is a beautiful privilage.

  4. sure you can get round this, GP will help advise.

  5. big baies feed less I thought. it;s tiny babies that feed all the time as they can only take a tiny amount at a time. ????
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DUSTIN · 17/04/2007 14:15

My Mum didn't breastfeed and had the same attitude- was shocked that I wanted to do it. I was embarrassed about breastfeeding in public but had a baptism of fire when I was asked to do a talk on my birthing experience to an antenatal group- ended up breastfeeding in front of the whole group.Don't know who was more embarrassed me or the Dads in the room. At least they got a practical demonstration.

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skibump · 17/04/2007 14:18

I don't understand why your HV said there was no point in bfeeding after bottle feeding? I know there's lots of focus on exclusive bfeeding, and of course it might well not be straight forward to sort out your milk supply after so long... but I wouldn't write off combination feeding if that's your option.

Plan to bf (and you've made a great start by sorting out your issues in advance) but if you do end up giving a bottle or two, don't throw in the bf towel iyswim

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SoupDragon · 17/04/2007 14:18
  1. You don't have to get them out in front of people. When you get the hang of it, you'll be able to feed in front of peope and not whow anything.
  2. There are ADs you can take and still breastfeed.
  3. Rubbish. DS1 was 10lb 1oz and he used to feed for roughly 20 minutes every 3 hours and gained weight beautifully.

    1 and 3 are things that you have to work out in your own head. For me, looking at my babies as they fed and fell asleep contented was one of the most wonderful things in the world. Still is with DD. I never really felt like a cow, just like a mother. Obviousy breasts are made for feeding babies, not just for tittilating (snort!) men I do understand where you are coming from though - mine were strictly off limits whilst I was breastfeeding. During that time they belonged to the baby and only the baby. I think that helped separate things a bit.
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MissGolightly · 17/04/2007 14:21

Hello HIWBB, I really admired your post and I think you have got over the biggest hurdle by wanting to give bfing a go all over again.

What I reckon is:

  1. IKWYM, but try to see it in a positive way - you and your baby are just doing what all the animal kingdom does, feeding, bonding, growing.
  2. This gets easier and easier - I felt self-conscious at first but DS is now one and I would, literally, get them out in front of anyone without embarrassment. You can be very discreet if you want to.
  3. Breasts are associated with sex - but then so are babies - look how they get here in the first place! But IKWYM, it can be something to get your head round. Personally I found I had to disassociate sexy-breasts from mummy-breasts. I didn't like DH fondling my breasts just after I'd finished a breast-feed, I felt they needed time off in between to adjust!
  4. Not true - I had a middling size baby (7 1/2lb) who fed constantly and I was told it was because he was a small baby and therefore had a small stomach, my friend's baby was big (11lb) and fed only every 4 hours, she claimed this was because she was big and had a bigger stomach which could hold more milk. I now think that some babies are snackers and some are stuffers and it is nature, not size, that decides this.

    And a bit of unrelated advice - I found in the early days that going out in a "gang" of breast-feeders really helped my confidence, and it was very good to talk through all the issues and swap tips. If you can find other bfers at a post-natal group then it might really help.

    Good luck!
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SoupDragon · 17/04/2007 14:22

Actually, the only time I felt like a cow was when I expressed milk. Hated it. I also didn't feel I could do that if anyone was watching as it seemed, er, I don't know, ruder than bfing? I have, however, bfed DD in the front window of Starbucks without a second thought (although she's a 3rd born, I wasn't that confident with DS1 or 2).

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Judy1234 · 17/04/2007 14:50

You can get ADs you can take and breastfeed. Ask your GP or psychiatrist.

On the other isuses I think it's upbringing. My mother in the 1960s was a member of the NCT so I used to avidly read leaflets about breastfeeding and birth positions as a teenager. My father is a psychiatrist. Naked body good. Breasts are there to feed from. Ancient gorgerous oil paintings of the nicest kind show breastfeeding because it's such a wonderful sight. I fed 5 babies including twins.

So I had that lucky lucky legacy of normality of it. I am not sure I know anyone who has bottle fed. Middle class mothers in London almost 100% breastfeed. It's a class thing too.

Also you don't have to show anyone your breasts. You can feed in private if you prefer or feed without the breast being shown.

Finally if you don't want to, don't. If you despreately want to though what about seeing a therapist just like you might if you had a flight or spider phobia as through CBT they can make you like what you don't? And/or hire a breastfeeding counsellor - my sister in law who didn't manage to feed baby 1 fed baby 2 for over a year having someone in the first week or two who came to her house and helped her. You can also get that kind of help free I expect from LLL, ABM, NCT etc.

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WanderingWanderer · 17/04/2007 14:54

Breastfeeding is 'a class thing too'

I am waiting for the fireworks to begin

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Judy1234 · 17/04/2007 16:22

Every study ever done in the UK shows that the more middle class you are the more likely you are to breastfeed. obviously there are exceptions but I bet it's working class mumsnetters who find they can often be a rare breastfeeder whereas middle class London mothers are social pariahs if they bottle feed - indeed I just don't see them bottle feeding, it's so not done.

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Hopeitwontbebig · 17/04/2007 18:10

Thank you SO much for your posts... will def keep coming back to this thread to re-read them.

Moondog, [spray emoticon] re penis weeing thing.. brilliant

Lizzer, I think you may have hit on something with my Mum's attitute to breastfeeding. It just wasn't the done thing. This is strange because she was breastfed. She is a very private person, and never undressed in front of us, and sex was never mentioned ... etc, are you getting the picture. This has obviously rubbed off on me, I don't feel comfortable being undressed in front of my children. Therefore this is another issue I need to get over, breastfeeding in front of my 10 and 8 year old children.

My DH is very supportive of whatever decision I make, he doesn't pressurise me either way, he's quite laid back.

That's really positive what some have said about big babies feeding less frequently because of bigger tummies. It's annoying that I've always been told the opposite, ie attitude by midwives and HV 'don't blame you for not BF with such big babies, you'd be feeding all the time!'

It's also really good to know if the dreaded depression/anxiety hits again I can take something that is safe whilst BF.

When my midwife came to visit me days after having DS2, she tried to help with latching on and I was horrified when she grabbed my breast and tried to force it into my poor baby's mouth, it all seemed so rough..... is this how they help you these days? This was nearly 8 years ago.

OP posts:
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SoupDragon · 17/04/2007 19:22

When you have your baby, call a breastfeeding counsellor, either NCT of La Leche League and get someone properly and fully trained to help you. Call them right at the beginning whether you think you need help or not and explain what your previous problems were and what your worries are. With the best will in the world, MWs are multitasking whereas a breastfeeding counsellor concentrates just on bf-ing.

No, ramming the mother's breast into the baby's mouth is not how you should be helped! The baby should turn to the nipple (rooting), tip their head back and gape like a baby bird. At this point you get your nipple (and the surrounding areole (sp?) into their mouths so they get a good mouthful of breast and aren't just sucking on the nipple - you bring the baby into your breaast, not shove your breast into the baby . Shoving it in really doesn't work terribly well as the baby has to have done all the right things.

My MW told me I'd "never feed" DS1 myself because he was a whopper. That mad me so determined to prove her wrong and I did as he piled on weight. You have to believe in yourself

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