My H is an f-ing idiot

[lunavix]

I don't know if anyone remembers but I've had a lot of problems with DH regarding bfing - he doesn't want me to do it. We mixed fed ds until he gave up bfing at around 6-8 weeks (I wanted to continue but dh, HV and MIL said 'it's for the best' no comment) and this time I've been determined to bf.

She had one bottle a night until around 2 months when I was sick of it and told dh he could no longer give her a bottle, I was constantly paranoid about my supply and I wanted her to be exclusively bf. No reason for her to have bottles. He said she'd never sleep through - not that she was anyways - and her sleeping pattern remainded the same, if not slightly improved.

He's been adamant over the last few months we should be giving her bottles, but I've kept him nearly on side with bribing him and saying it would only be until 6 months (which was the minimum I wanted to do it.) He was adamant at 5 months we should be weaning her off bf, with bottles (uhh not waiting until 6 months then duh) and since 3 months him and MIL have been on at me to wean her. Apparently she's starving, every time she cries it's because I'm starving her.

Over the last 30-odd hours she's been vomiting her feeds. Had a small temp yesterday, fine today just sicky. Apparently it's because 'she wants more food than milk so is having too much milk and throwing it up'

I've nearly had enough of him, really. I've told him about blw and he thinks it's hippy bollocks. And MIL was entrusted with dd for the first time for 5 hours the other day - and fed her RUSK. As she wouldn't take a bottle. RUSK. Of all the shit. Didn't phone, didn't even ask if she could have some nice pureed sodding veg. RUSK.

[FluffyMummy123]

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[Skyler]

OMG Lunavix. My heart goes out to you. You are doing an amazing job in the face of such opposition. You KNOW all the facts and that you are doing the right thing. I am afraid your dh and MIL are desperately ignorant. I think you are very brave and strong to stick this one out for what you know to be the best for YOU and your baby.
And RUSK fgs!!!! I am afraid I would be livid.

[FluffyMummy123]

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[Booboobedoo]

I remember you posting about this couple of times in the past.

Don't let MIL look after your LO, and tell her it's because she can't be trusted to follow your wishes.

Stick two fingers up at DH and tell him to eff off.

Am feeling ancy this evening.

[Skyler]

Actually it isn't the rusk that is the issue it is the fact that it is YOUR baby not hers and so not her decision to make .

[lunavix]

cod - cos apparently he's a 'great dad'

He helps out - eg not one of a lot of dads we know who do nothing - and he says he has to have a say in every decision. It's getting painful now - I had to ask for permission to get guinea pigs fgs. He said no, btw. But again, more bribery. He's a child half the time and my father the other half! But that's another thread.

Anyways, if I didn't tell him what I was doing, there would be an almightly strop.

[AitchTwoOh]

do you think that he's so adamant about all this stuff because he's got his mum whispering in his ear like a panto villain?

[BuffysMum]

he sounds like a control freak! Just arm yourself with the research (as much as you can get) and tell him to read it before you will even discuss the topic further - you may get a couple of weeks respite?

[lunavix]

skyler - I KNOW. I phoned to check up on how dd was doing, and FIL wouldn't let me talk to MIL as she was 'feeding' dd. I assumed bottles. But she'd already had the rusks at her house - so I think it was pre-determined. I pointed my finger at her when we got in and said 'you're a BAD MIL' when I got in (exactly those words lol no joke) and dh told me I was out of order. I had to say something I think 'you f-ing b-t-h' might have been a little too aggressive.

[lunavix]

Boo - lol maybe I should.

Aitch - I don't think so. She isn't nasty, she just does things in what she perceives as their best interests, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

He's like this with other stuff too. For example, I had two weeks off work after having dd, and when I wasn't coping so well afterwards I used to say to him 'I think this would be why most women take 6 months' and he'd say 'well I don't care what most women do we aren't most people we're us!'

He thinks he knows best.

[lunavix]

buffysmum - I think I will.

I might have a look for a few webpages now, and email them to dh and MIL to find in the morning.

[fishie]

lunavix how undermining for you. what happened with ds? are there any other babies around to show as example of what to / not to do? sort of gosh look at that poor baby, it has awful ecxxzema/bad temper/whatever i bet they gave rusks too early.

[suejonez]

I guess you love him and I'm sure he has his good point but he sounds like an irritating git. I would have to smother him with a pillow whilst he was asleep.

[BuffysMum]

I mean send them every web page you can find - reams of the stuff that will take them days to digest, all the WHO stuff etc. Bore them into submission!

[ohsmellyjelly]

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[lunavix]

fishie - ds has eczema. He's also rather heavy for his age (ironically he shot from 25th centile to 99th the second he was solely bottlefed) although he doesn't look big.

Ds had problems feeding after birth, and I was told to give bottles, and bf with nipple shields. Ds slowly started preferring the bottles than the nipple shields, and dh kept saying that there was no point fighting 'against what ds wanted' - the HV also said he just 'hadn't taken to bfing' GRR. If only I knew then what I know now.

TBH I'll be heaving a sign of relief once we get to 6 months (next Sat) at least the first major hurdle will be over.

[lunavix]

sue lol

smellyjelly - it's not as bad as it sounds, I'm a CM and I'm only doing 3 hours a day (unless school holidays like this week and it's 50 hours lol) but the mix of toddler + newborn + school runs + housework + school kids after school took its toll a little.

[Chandra]

I would be furious, unfortunately, at the prehistoric age your MIL had her babies, formula was advertised as the best thing a baby could have. You should hear my MIL and my mother talking of it... they even told me I was a bit of an idiot insisiting to BF when there was formula around.

At their time, babies' first food was egg with orange juice because they wouldn't choke on such texture, children had their naps outside regardless of the weather, and leaving a baby in a playpen for hours was the thing to do, so, so regardless of her experience with children, you know better, because for a starters you are the mother and you have devoted hours (in this century) to learn about it.

As for your husband... I have no words.

[Chandra]

And obviously, I just crossposted

[ShowOfHands]

His wanting to have a say in every decision sounds an awful lot like he wants to make every decision for you/about you and all with his mother's input. He's hiding behind 'I want to be involved and hands on' while actually being very controlling. And it sounds very much like a behaviour he has learnt from his mother. And if you don't acquiesce, well it looks like her attitude is to just do it anyway with little regard for your feelings.

This is an enormous issue, probably extending well beyond the bf/weaning issue. Why is he so frightened of losing control. Has he always made all of the decisions? What happens if you put your foot down?

[lunavix]

He's not all bad, really. I love him, and I'm sure he loves me, and he is a good dad. But he views helping me as doing me a favour. Eg, (this will sound so dumb) we have a porridgy breakfast cereal you soak in milk overnight. When I do it, I add too much or too little milk. He does it perfectly.
If I ask him to do it for me at night, he huffs and sighs before doing it, like it's a big chore and a big favour to me. Pouring milk. I cook dinner every night fgs! Usually an hour of cooking at least!

A friend commented today that whatever I ask him, he says no. No thought, nothing. It's just no. I think it's true, too...

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

Oh luna....I'd be fucking livid by now. You have the patience of a saint to continue to put up with this constant undermining of your parenting.

[fishie]

bloody hell two weeks? i'm with suejonez.

on the more helpful side, the extended bf thread has a post citing loads of research on the benefits to mother and child. i've got a v bf supportive dp and he still goes on about how ds must have bio yog. twit.

[lunavix]

Maybe I should have put this in relationships!

I thoroughly agree I think it's a control thing. And I think the bf/weaning is a front for it. If I 'disobey' or argue, it tends to blow up into a huge row, with him shouting I have no respect for him (it's always about respect) and I end up a mess in tears, he then comforts me, we agree to ignore it (I'm stubborn so I won't give in, and he'll never apologise) and then it's all over until next time.

He says I don't respect him, and don't listen to him. But mostly, listening to him means doing what he says.

Eg he's told me to sell a pram I love and keep one I hate, as we need the one I hate more. I've said no, and explained why. He says I'm not listening to him, when he means I'm not agreeing.

[ohsmellyjelly]

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