Full of regret and feeling guilty

[Summ3r]

When my little girl was born on May 20th (6weeks ago) I breast fed her for the first feed and altho it was very painful and my nipples bleed I loved the closeness I felt with her. I must add that this is my third child and I bottle fed the other two. I was in sheer agony and felt like I was having more contractions to which my midewife told me they were after pains and they tend to be worse with ur third baby. It was all too much for me and I caved and asked for a bottle to at least stop some of the pain I was feeling. I became very ill in the next few days and was still in agony taking painkillers to get through the day. I ended up passing a massive bit of membrane ended up in hospital with retained membranes and an infection. Since I've been better I've regretted not breastfeeding her and miss the closeness I felt the first time I did. I hate it everytime I make up a bottle and give it to her! My husband wouldn't be one for me breastfeeding as it would be strange for him (none of our family or friends has ever breastfed) so I feel like I can't talk to him about it but it's really getting me down. She also suffers from bad wind and reflux and prob wouldn't if I'd continued to breastfeed 😢 my boobs r back to normal and I've no milk left. I've left it too late and it's going to be something I'll always regret 😞

[GlenBelt]

Firstly, don't be too hard on yourself, circumstance has meant that at the time, you couldn't pursue the feeding method you wanted to. There is nothing wrong with formula though and there are plenty of healthy happy formula fed babies. I ebf my baby and he had awful wind and colic, he used to sleep upright on me for the first 3 months of his life so it may not be the formula causing it. Have you tried the colic routine from baby massage? Peddling legs, tummy strokes etc? They should help with wind and keeping baby upright for about 30 mins after a feed may help with the reflux.

I dint know how old your baby is but if you do have your heart set on breastfeeding, there is such a thing as 'relactation'. It may be hard work but it is possible to go back to breastfeeding even if you think your milk has dried up. La leche league has some advice on this ; www.llli.org/faq/relactation.html

[Summ3r]

Thank u for ur replay. Yes we do all the tummy strokes, peddling ect but she still suffers from it. We've been prescribed gaviscon for her for the reflux which def helps! She was 6 weeks past on Friday. Do u think I could get my milk supply back ?

[amysmummy12345]

My baby is breastfed and has reflux. Don't beat yourself up about it xxx

[Heirhelp]

I recently moved from bf to ff as it is better for reflux.

If it is the closeness you are missing try skin to skin cuddles.

Do you still have any milk? Try contacting LLL as they will be able to offer advice.

[GlenBelt]

Agree with having skin to skin or doing baby massage if it's the closeness you're missing. As for the reflux, it does get better as they mature so just keep doing what you're doing.

La leche league are a fantastic resource, also you may have an infant feeding team in your area who could help. Stimulating your breasts to start producing mlk is possible, especially if only 6 weeks old. It's all about getting baby to the breast often to stimulate milk production.

[Summ3r]

Thank u. We do have skin to skin time and have nice baths together but it's not the same as supplying and feeding ur baby solely by yourself and I'd love to experience that this time seeing It's my last baby. Ive been trying to see if she will latch on and she gets so frustrated coz she's hungry and won't latch at all so tonight there in the bath I tried again and with her not being hungry she latched on for a few mins on and off and now when I squeeze my nipple I swam to have a little bit of milk there !! I'm so happy lol ! Going to talk to Hubby about how I feel tonight and possibly get a pump to help supply ?? Which one would you suggest ? Thank u all for ur responses

[nearlyteatime101]

Wow well done! That sounds a very positive sign. Not an expert, but in my experience pumping can be hit and miss. Keep trying! the more she sucks/stimulates the better your chances. No need to feel guilt, a lot of benefits of breastfeeding can be also gained through skin on skin. You are great for trying so hard. Well done.

[Summ3r]

Thanks nearlyteatime101 she has refused the breast since but now I know she can I've hope ! I just wanted to say to that I've nothing against bottle feeding as my older 2 were bottle fed I just really wanted to try breast feeding this time and I'm annoyed at myself for giving up so easily at the start

[Summ3r]

Any tips to get her to latch?

[Summ3r]

I must add we don't have la Leche in NI or much support when it comes to bf

[calamityjam]

There was a poster on here last week who managed to re-lactate after 5.5 months. I will try to find the poster who might be able to help you

[nearlyteatime101]

Hows it going? No latch tips I'm afraid, though there is useful generic advice online. I would suggest keeping the baby as close as physically possible and go skin on skin as much as possible. If you can, go topless in the house. Its a bit strange, but its only until feeding is established. The more you can get you baby to suck (even if no milk is coming) the better your chances of success. Just as a little tip off as you have bottle fed in the past: in my experience babies that are breast fed tend to feed more often than bottle fed ones. there is no need to keep to a timetable while getting established, if baby is tired, hungry, bored, grumpy, windy, etc... try feeding. it seems extreme at first, but once established you'll get into a pattern no doubt. good luck.

[YorkieDorkie]

No no no no no don't ever feel guilty OP.

Breast is not best - FED is best and happy mummy is most important. Your baby is fed and well, there are ways to sort reflux and it's not forever. Please don't ever regret your decisions. Life is too short.

[Summ3r]

calamityjam That would be great if u could ! Thanks nearlyteatime101 I will try that. Tried doing it a bit earlier when my older 2 were out playing and tried to get her to latch but she's point blank refusing my breast now so is bf a comfort thing for babies too ?
Yorkiedorkie thank u so much for ur comment the reflux isn't actual reason I want to bf I just long for that bond and closeness I had when I nursed her in the hospital.. That feeling I got that I alone was providing food for her and I was the only one who could

[coveredinhopeandvaseline]

There is a fantastic group on facebook called Breastfeeding in Northern Ireland...they are really supportive. Quite a few women on there have successfully relactated-me included.

[coveredinhopeandvaseline]

If you can get your hands on a double pump it will help enormously also.

[Summ3r]

I'm on that Facebook page are u from Northern Ireland too coveredinhopeandvasline ? How many weeks did u stop breast feeding for and how were u able to go back to it again ?

[coveredinhopeandvaseline]

Summ3r Yes, I am! I stopped and switched to formula at 7 weeks and started again at 14...took almost a month to get full supply but worth it! I've never been able to get him onto the breast, just been feeding him EBM from a bottle.
I hired a Medela Symphony breastpump which was great but dear, £45 a month! Then bought an Ameda Lactaline double pump for £60 brand new off ebay which is every bit as good...been chugging along with that til now, couple of days off him being 11 months old and still going! :)

[Summ3r]

I'm waiting on a pump coming from Amazon. It's a cheap one tho I didnt think the kind of pump matters... I thought they'd all be the same oops ! On the plus side my lg is latching on and suckling well for up to 15 mins at a time the only prob is she's starving after and takes a 5oz bottle straight after ! I know there is some milk there but it's obviously not enough yet

[coveredinhopeandvaseline]

Awk well if you've got the wee one latching that's half the battle...babies are more effective than any pump.
I would also do it the other way round, give her a couple of ozs before putting her on the boob so she's not ravenous. Make sure you are using the slowest flow (level 1) teat and are paced feeding-holding the bottle horizontally to get her used to working for it. I would also increase the number of feedings and decrease the amount you are giving at each feeding, as BF babies tend to take little and often...being used to guzzling 5oz bottles it could annoy her how slow it comes from the breast. ;)

[user1468836313]

I am a first time poster and a Ftm. I know the original post is over a month old, but I just want to recommend seeing a Lactation Consultant, ( Iblc). I saw one when LO was about 9 weeks and I wish I had done it sooner . I never managed to build a full supply but I combined ff and bf successfully. My baby is now 1 year and still
nurses at night if he wakes up. It is definitely worth persevering with it if you really want to continue to breastfeed your baby. You have given your baby a wonderful start already and continue to do so no matter how she is nourished.