Really don't want to breast feed but feeling so guilty

(25 Posts)
Dizzywhore Tue 08-Jul-14 08:02:38

Hated every minute of the 2 weeks I fed my DD and drying up my milk was so painful and took 3 days! Really just want to bottle feed new baby (due next next) from birth but I feel so guilty. DM and DS think I should try even if I just do the first few feeds but the whole idea of it just makes me feel ill! I just know every time DS gets a cold or something I'll feel like it's my fault because I didn't BF. I really don't know what to do?

tiktok Tue 08-Jul-14 09:25:52

Dizzy, sorry to hear how conflicted you are sad would it help to work out why you feel so strongly?

Imeg Tue 08-Jul-14 09:26:02

My friend breastfed her baby and the baby seemed to permanently have colds and also developed eczema, so it does not guarantee a cold-free baby! Perhaps you could see how you feel once the baby is born? With all the hormones/new baby etc you might feel differently? Whatever you decide though, there's no reason to feel guilty about it as long as the baby is fed.

tiktok Tue 08-Jul-14 09:28:08

Just to say three days to dry up milk is not a long time. Your milk will come in anyway and will need to dry up whatever you choose to do from birth. It's a real shame you are feeling pressured about this. Can you not share your fears with your dh in a way that does not lead him to say what you 'should' do?

MigGril Tue 08-Jul-14 09:30:49

sounds like you had a tough time first time round, how about taking it one day at a time.

You do realize that regardless of whether you start feeding or not your milk comes in. so you will still have to dry up, May not be quite so painful but that initial milk coming in is controlled by hormones not baby feeding.

Mammuzza Tue 08-Jul-14 09:43:05

I would take a look here and get the support you need to feel comfortable with your descision and ways to deal with people who stick their noses in something that is none of their business. Feeling guilty over feeding, on top of all the other newborn hotspots to be navigated doesn't help mother or child.

Feed your baby love. As long as you are feeding it, you have no reason to feel guilty.

Mrsgrumble Tue 08-Jul-14 09:45:50

Don't feel guilty but dont rule out feeding just yet. You don't have I decide just now. Go with the flow and see how you feel. I only fed for just under two months and felt guilty but baby is thriving and if I don't do it for as long this time I won't feel bad.

If it makes you stressed and anxious, you need to look after yourself and go with formula.

ArcheryAnnie Tue 08-Jul-14 09:58:20

Whatever you decide to do, your baby won't starve. Give yourself permission to do whatever feels right at the time, and try to relax about it now. You might feel ok about doing the first few colostrum feeds, then going onto formula, or you might not. What is important is focusing on your new baby, and enjoying them, not worrying about what kind of feed they are getting.

However much they are trying to do what they think is best, with respect it's not your DM's body or your DS's body which is being pressed into service on this. You get to decide, not them.

(I was an extended BF-er, but got shit from other women, including my goddamn NCT midwife, for having a very medicalised birth. There is no pregnancy where people don't seem to think the mother's body is public property for them to pronounce on. My philosophy is, it's my bloody body and I get to decide what I do with it and what happens to it.)

7Days Tue 08-Jul-14 10:04:54

I hated feeding my first child it was a nightmare! I was like you with number 2, dreaded it, but I did decide to do the colostrum feeds and see. Turned out good actually, and I continued on for a good few months.

I am just saying that not to say Do what I did, but just to say don't spend the rest of pregnancy worrying about it, take it calm and see what way it works out. Pregnancy and birth is one of those areas where you just can't predict your feelings you just have to wait and see.

Whatever you decide is the right thing thing for you and your baby.

I love what Mammauzza says above - feed your baby love.

TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals Tue 08-Jul-14 10:08:00

If you don't want to, don't. Sometimes it's more important to be relaxed enough to bond with your new baby rather than feeling stressed about how you're feeding them.

Happy mum, happy baby etc.

Midori1999 Tue 08-Jul-14 11:47:11

I've breastfed five babies (not all for very long) and each time has been very different. Plus, as has been said, your milk will come in and then take several days or more to dry up whatever you do.

You need to do what is right for you, why not see how you feel at the time? Or try chatting to your midwife or a breastfeeding counsellor about your feelings?

flipchart Tue 08-Jul-14 11:51:30

You do exactly what is right for you.
Try if you want to
Go straight to bottle if you want to.

Honestly, no big deal, looking after yourself and the baby it the important thing here.

I can't see what business it is of other people. Sure listen to options and advice but ultimately you must do what you feel is best for you.

greeneone12 Tue 08-Jul-14 15:13:57

I was adamant I would BF my son as I hated it with my daughter. It just never felt like the lovely bonding experience it should be, and she refused a bottle. My son was born 3 weeks ago and I did the first 24 hours on breast. When my milk came it was tough and I kept crying as I felt so bad for not feeding. I decided to feed to ease the pressure in my breasts and 3 weeks on he is mostly on formula but I do still have a bit of milk.

I think at the end of the day their time as tiny babies is so fleeting....make a decision you are happy with so you can look back and think 'i enjoyed my baby' rather than wasting the time feeling bad. I have really felt bad through guilt but have decided I need to stop as its not good for anyone x

greeneone12 Tue 08-Jul-14 15:14:38

Sorry that should day adamant I 'would not' feed my son!

Could I suggest getting in touch with your local La Leche League? Their philosophy is not to put any pressure on you but they might be able to spend time with you talking about your past experience and how you feel about feeding your new baby. If you choose to bottle feed they will still support you and might help you to feel more comfortable with your decision. They have been incredibly supportive of me and my difficulties feeding and at my last meeting there were two mums formula feeding and they have since said they felt comfortable and supportive. They're very experienced in having these conversations. Best of luck smile

The milk you feed your baby, be it breast milk or formula, is not the only thing you can do to nourish your child well - far from it. You have many years ahead, where you can make sure your child eats a fresh, healthy diet, packed with nutrients, and you can make sure they get plenty of fresh air, exercise and sleep, as well as doing all the things that nourish their mind and spirit - reading, playing, imaginative play, music - the list is endless.

Breastfeeding is a great start to give a child, but not doing it doesn't condemn your child to a life of poor health - women with double mastectomies raise perfectly healthy children, and so do single fathers or adoptive parents.

It is one building block - a significant one, yes - but the structure will not collapse without it.

Whatever decision you make, be happy with it, and I wish you lots of luck and happiness with your new baby and their older sibling. I am sure you are doing a fine job.

BookieTubules Tue 08-Jul-14 15:28:35

DM and DS think I should try even if I just do the first few feeds but the whole idea of it just makes me feel ill!

So don't (and I say that as an EBF-er x 2 x 2 years). Honestly, don't beat yourself up. You've tried it before, it didn't work out, you've listened to what they say but don't want to put yourself through that again. They are not being supportive telling you what you "should" do. My DC2 was full of colds from his first week - because he had a sister bringing the germs home, nothing to do with his milk.

gelati3 Tue 08-Jul-14 15:34:46

Is there a breastfeeding adviser nearby you can speak to? As the ladies above have mentioned, your milk will come in whatever you decide to do. If you don't want to BF, you could always try expressing some so that way you know baby is getting some breastmilk at the beginning.

My DM had problems BFing me so completely bottlefed my siblings. We all have good health (touch wood) and she has been a fantastic mum to us.

Wish you all the best whatever you decide to do.

Chunderella Tue 08-Jul-14 17:27:22

DM and DS can have an opinion on their own body parts. They get no say in what you do with yours, and to even consider themselves entitled to pronounce on what you ought to do is utterly arrogant. ArcheryAnnie is right- you don't need to decide now, your boobs and formula will both be there when the baby is born, ready for you, and you can do whatever feels best.

Dizzywhore Tue 08-Jul-14 19:18:29

Thank you everyone so much for replying. Some very nice things said. It has honestly helped me loads and I'm feeling a bit better after your comments. Lots of good advice too. I do love mumsnet sometimes! Xx

beccajoh Tue 08-Jul-14 19:26:42

I struggled with this. I bf DD for 7 months but hated it. When I fell pregnant with DS I was hugely conflicted with what to do about feeding. Essentially I didn't want to do it at all but felt awful. In the end I gave it a go and he had some breast milk for about two weeks. Once I'd made the decision to stop, though it was very liberating and I rarely think about it now (he's almost 6 months).

There's SO much more to being a parent than the type of milk you feed them.

flipchart Tue 08-Jul-14 19:29:20

Dizzy, despite being told it wasn't possible by who ever it was that ran the ante natal clinic I bf and ff at the same time ( not at the same feed obviously)
Worked for me and Ds1 and 2

ILoveCoreyHaim Tue 08-Jul-14 19:35:31

Bottle fed all mine from birth and they were fine. Me and 3 siblings bottle fed and we are all fine.

Don't stress about it just do whatever feels comfortable for you either way. Non of my midwives pressured me to breast feed, they asked, i said no and that was that. Its up to you how you want to feed your baby. Great if you want to breast feed and if not due to how you felt with dc1 then that's fine as well.

PenguinsHatchedAnEgg Wed 09-Jul-14 14:03:35

If you don't want to do it, don't do it. Don't feel guilty about it either smile

But even if you don't feed you know your milk will come in right? So drying up the milk will be a similar process to last time.

If you do decide to just feed the colostrum (which I certainly don't think you should do, but if you are having problems emotionally 'allowing' yourself not to feed at all might be a compromise?) that won't affect that process.

DragonFlyx Wed 09-Jul-14 20:42:47

With my first, I had MIL and OH making me feel pushed into BFing, yet my side are all pro-bottle. I have nothing against people who breast feed, but I didn't want to, all that I wanted and was discussed with MW was the first feed to be off the boob.

After a horrible birth, I was too poorly to even hold or feed my daughter, but I continued to bottle feed and all nurses, MW s were very supportive of my choice.

A few months later I felt guilty for not breast feeding and it took a while for it to go. Although my daughter has only had 1 cold in her almost 3 years on the planet.

I will be trying BFing with this baby although I still don't like the idea of a baby on my boob, iv already bought the pump and bottles and storage bags/tubs so I can express, to me, that in its self is good that although the baby won't 've on my boob, if at all, they'll still be having my milk.

Do what you feel is right and don't let anyone sway you either way. I did it so much with my first, it sure isn't happening this time!

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