Grandmothers and demand feeding

[espresso14]

My MIL maintains that I breastfeed my Baby too much and too often, and it is this that is causing her to spit up so much. And of course LO has spat up on her! She says I need to wait until the Baby cries, and if it was good enough for her children, why are we disagreeing. Her GP in 1975 told her the louder they cry, the healthier they are.

She's wrong, I know this, but it's got really bad. My DP is super supportive, but they have told him they are "devastated" that we don't take their advice when they've had 3 kids. They are not currently talking to us and are insulted that we find their approach "completely unacceptable" (their words).

We've done all the mature things, tried to explain, cited GP etc in person, phone and letter but they maintain that comments about me overfeeding cannot be offensive and I'm wrong and rude in rejecting their view. I'm after some tales of humour or similar situations to help me feel like this could one day improve.

[rubyslippers]

Eurgh - your DH needs to have a strong word

But it sounds like you will be unable to reason with them so frankly keep on doing what you're doing

[mawbroon]

Would this help?

NHS leaflet

[tiktok]

espresso, I don't think it is up to you to find evidence to counteract this ignorance.

Your ILs are incredibly RUDE and self-centred. You have already spoken to them in person, on the phone, and you have even written them a flippin letter...and their response is not to talk to you??

Why would you want these people in your life, near your children? If they undermine and criticise you like this, and take the huff because their advice is not followed, what sort of people are they?

Your DH needs to get very tough with them. If he can't then he needs to learn how.

You could post on Relationships here on mumsnet. Loads of posters there with some good ideas.

[katandkits]

That nhs leaflet is great. I would just be avoiding them for now, you don't need that sort of drama with a new baby. I certainly wouldn't want to be taking advice from someone who was so devoid of kindness that they wanted to see my tiny baby crying and crying. It goes totally against your natural instinct. A lot has changed since 1975 in any case. Also why is it such a big deal to her anyway if you do things differently? I suspect it brings up feelings of guilt that perhaps her way was not right after all so she feels she has something to prove?
lf your dh wants to try again send them the leaflet along with a note saying you want them to be able to have a relationship with your grandchild but you are the parents and you need to be able to do things your way. You are following current medical advice not information from 40 years ago and your health visitor is totally satisfied with how your baby is doing. This doesn't mean you think they were bad parents blah blah blah.

if that doesn't work then as you say, you have done the mature thing, stay away from them and leave it to your husband to sort out.

[Lagoonablue]

Sheesh! You have a new baby and don't need this hassle! You've explained and that is all you need to do. Don't use any more energy justifying yourself. They are so selfish.

'Devastated?' How pathetically dramatic. Tell them to get over themselves and refuse to engage with them in it. Just say ' no more' if they try to raise it again.

They sound horrible tbh.

[whereisshe]

Is this less about the way the baby is fed and more about control?

I think often in families the arrival of a baby creates a situation where for the first time the new mother has something she refuses to just "keep the peace" about. Is it uncharacteristic of you to resist their advice? Because they're being very manipulative.

If I were you I would have some fairly strong words about this being your baby to raise, they've finished raising theirs. My father has been similar (although not as extreme) since DD was born and I've had to read him the riot act about how upsetting and insulting undermining a new parent can be (since it implies you don't want the best for your baby and haven't done your research properly).

[espresso14]

Whereishe you are absolutely right, this is about boundaries and control. I have what they want (the Grandchild), and as I'm not their daughter, they are struggling with this.

We've asked them to respect us, it's fallen on deaf ears, it will resolve itself in time, and I just have to ignore and not see them in the interim. My partner is completely supportive, and is appalled by what they're doing.

I feel guilty for not letting them see the Grandchild that they adore, but if we don't gain the control now, this is going to cause problems at every stage.

Thanks all for your advice

[Chocotrekkie]

Don't feel guilty - they are the ones choosing to cause a drama where there doesn't need to be one.

They need to respect you - you are the mother of their grandchild.
You and your DH make the decisions about your child just as they did with theirs.