message for anyone who wishes they had persevered with breastfeeding

[Katerina75]

Am fairly new to mumsnet, and have read some of the "bf v ff" threads on here. Am terrified of starting another fight but really need a bit of support so am going to post this anyway. Apologies in advance for how long this is going to be.

I just assumed all through my pregnancy I would bf - never considered otherwise. However I stopped bf my ds (now 11 weeks) at four weeks for a number of reasons which I would summarise as:

latching on still v painful
feeding times v frequent(and unpredictable)
ds had bad reflux and wind so could never just take him into bed and feed lying down as would have to sit up and wind him throughout the feed
ds would often take 5 or 10 minutes to latch on correctly (which when feeding for the fifth time in the night seemed like forever)

and because of this stuff I was hating it and dreading feeds and resenting it even though he was gaining weight ok. I made the decision to stop overnight because I was just so tired and fed up.

Once I gave up he settled into a routine, and the reflux actually improved for whatever reason. Unfortunately, I came out of my sleep deprived haze for the first time in a month and gradually began to feel I'd made a mistake and I should have tried much harder to do the best for him. Plus from reading posts on bounty and mumsnet I've realised that all the things I've described are actually pretty normal when bf is still not established! I so wish I'd known that before.

On top of that - all my friends who have just had babies (and there are quite a few of them) are bf, some of them through quite a few problems - and I feel really

I'm giving myself a really hard time for this because I think we could have succeeded if I'd maybe asked a bf counsellor for help. I suspect the latch was never quite right, though I did get several mws to check. At the time, though I was in a bit of a cocoon and didn't want to leave the house or speak to anyone (I know how lame this sounds).

So my question to you is: how do I make peace with myself over this? FF is totally at odds with the mum I thought I was going to be (and this is absolutely NOT a criticism of anyone who FFs, whether through choice or not - it's an honest declaration of how I feel - please please take it as such). Will I ever feel any better? Or will I always feel guilty? It's pretty much ruining my time with my baby at the moment so if anyone can help with any wise words I'd be delighted.

Thanks for reading this, hope it makes sense

[foundintranslation]

Oh Katerina.
I'm probably the 'person you don't want to see' at the moment, as bf worked out for me in the end after 4 initial weeks of mixed feeding, breast refusal and tears. However, I clicked on your message as there were times in those 4 weeks when I thought we wouldn't make it and so I can empathise with what you must be feeling now.
There are many good reasons why you can and should make peace with yourself:

• You TRIED. You had multiple problems to cope with, including pain - which was just about the one bf problem I have never had, so I cannot imagine what it must be like to dread every feed because of the pain - but it must be awful. You gave it a very good shot.
  
• Having a baby is a huge shock to the system, never mind sleep deprivation. When you're in the middle of that shock it can be hard to summon up the resources to find support. It is not your fault that bf support is not better in this country and that quite a few mws might not, for example, know what they should be looking for in latch.
  
• You gave your ds 4 weeks of your milk, which is 4 weeks' worth of health benefits - and, best of all, the colostrum. Any breastmilk is a boost to baby's health - don't forget that.
  
  I don't know much about it, but it might still be possible for you to relactate, if you really want to. That would be something to speak to a bfc about - as, indeed, would your feelings of guilt and sadness about bf not having worked out. Relactation is quite an undertaking, though, so do NOT feel bad if you decide it's not something you want to do.
  
  Enjoy your precious baby and feel proud of him and of what you have done.

[bumbleweed]

Katrina - big hugs as you sound so fed up .

Bf is really alot harder than you think when your pregnant in my experience as well. Sounds like you had it harder than most if still so sore at 4 weeks, and your ds struggling with his wind and reflux too. And the tiredness - god, I remember it so well, it really is torture.

All I can say is that think of the benefit your ds will have had from those 4 weeks, which are probably the most crucial of all. And think that you made the right decision, and pretty much the only decision you could make at the time.

Is it too late to go back to bf if you feel such a change of heart? I dont know alot about these things, though someone on here will I'm sure.

x

xx

[katyjo]

katerina, don't give yourself such a hard time!! You are the most important thing to your son, not how you feed him!! The best advice I got when I had my son is 'if you look after yourself, the baby will be fine'. There is so much presure on people to breastfeed, if it is not possible you feel like you've failed, and you haven't!! Look at the beautiful baby you have produced, you are totally responsible for how wonderful he is! Enjoy him and put the big stick away (stop beating yourself up). Your son will be healthy and grow well, why do I know - because you care and that is half the battle in raising a child. Enjoy this time together, he will grow so fast!!

[Jimjams2]

Katerina- stay off mumsnet threads about feeding- you made your decision, it has worked out for you, don;t beat yourself up about it. Please don't let it spoil your time with your new baby.

Anyway this might make you feel better- I breastfed my first 2, bottlefed my third (gave up sometime early on- 8 weekish I think with him). My little boy with huge problems is my eldest- he;s severely autistic- had repeated ear infections, and stomach infections in his first year- and he was breastfed for 13 months. There are no guarantees whatever you do- and there's no point stressing about things you could have done differently.

leave this part of the board until you have another- he;s putting on weight, hes happy, and so enjoy him.

[kidsrus]

dear katerina i too gave up at 9 weeks and regretted with ds1 i was going through all sorts of feelings like being trapped and wanting to go back to work and not being able to express that it was easier to give up.
But wished later i hadn't but now i know it was good experience and after dd1 was born i knew i wasn't trapped the baby was going through one of the many growth spurts and when the baby falls asleep during a feed its full and you don't have to keep waking it up like i did ist time round (feeds used to take an hour each time) now with dd1 she is 7 mths and i'm still feeding she seemed to know what to do and i knew what had to be done. so its easier 2nd time round. Please don't beat yourself up over it as you tried your best and if there was more info readily available to new mums even down to being told they feed more regular during growth spurts then it would help more people to continue bf.
enjoy every moment with your babe as time goes too quick to fret about past things.

[foundintranslation]

Oh, and you certainly will feel better - I hope you've started feeling better now but you will especially as weaning onto solids starts and bf vs ff becomes less of an issue. Soon another issue will be in the forefront of your mind - motherhood is so much more than feeding. And JJ is right - there are no guarantees re health effects.

[mum2monkeys]

Katerina

Agree with what everyone has said b/f my dd for 6mths - was horrendous at first cracked bleeding nipples, I used to pray she would stay asleep the idea of feeding scared me so much, I did persevere as much as anything because she refused to take a bottle - any bottle and I tried them all! Second time round with my ds I was prepared, b/f clothing, nipple shields the works - my d/s arrived at 30wks so ended up bottle feeding!!!!

Know what you mean about the guilt I feel it too especially as he's a preemie but I have to say, I feel soooo much better this time round it is easier to get into a routine and you do always know how much they've had to eat and f/f baby with a happy well rested mummy is better than a b/f baby with an unhappy stressed mummy.

[NappiesGalore]

as a mum who is sitting here feeling guilty and crap for other reasons i wont go into, but which, intellectually i know are bollocks and that i really need to cut myself some slack, i'd like to say:

CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK! You ned to be kind to yourself and let past things, even v recent past things go. either you can change something for (what you believe to be) the better, or you need to let it go.

especially as it is affecting you now, and affecting your relationship with the little one.

take a deep breath, say out loud that you forgive yourself, realise that you have always done, and will always do the best you can as a mother, and find some peace.

xxx

[ghosty]

Hi Katerina ...
I echo everyone's sentiments here. Please don't beat yourself up about it. I gave up bfing DS at 6 weeks for many reasons (some like yours) and even now he is 6 and a half I sometimes get a gut wrenching sick feeling in my stomach about giving up. I know that with the proper support I could have breastfed him for longer but I only know that now - after finding mumsnet 4 years ago. If only I'd had MN in January 2000 it would have been a totally different story ...
Anyway ... The first thing is, KEEP OFF the contraversial threads about breastfeeding - Do not even click on them ... walk away, walk away ... they will make you feel terrible.
Last week there was a thread that I clicked on ... got upset with (remember DS is 6 and a half ... posted a tearful reply to a lovely mumsnetter who started it and she promptly emailed me to apologise (she knows who she is and she is a darling ). But really, I shouldn't even have opened the thread

Anyway ... like jimjams said, come back to the bfing threads when you have another baby ... I did and I fed my DD very happily and successfully until she was 11 months .... and I will even go so far as to say that if I have a third I will bfeed for over a year . In fact - to have the opportunity to breastfeed another baby is the ONE reason I would even HAVE another ....

So, just because it didn't work with your first, it doesn't mean that it won't work with your second/third/seventh baby ...

Move on from now - enjoy your baby - don't waste this precious time like I did with the guilt etc.

HTH ... Hugs {{{}}}

[Pixiefish]

Can I just say- you've made your decision and they were the right reasons for you and the right decision for you.

Happy mummy is very important for your baby. Please stop beating yourself up about it

[liquidclocks]

I was like you - totally though I would BF - never even considered it might not happen. Everyone made out before I had DS that it would be fine, easy, he would know what to do, so would I, and we'd be there, snuggling happily and I'd express a bottle's worth and DH would do the 11pm ish feed to give me a rest and wouldn't it all be lovely and rosy.

I had other stuff going on too to do with illness/medication but I'd decided to put my baby first and deal with all that as a side issue. But when DS wouldn't latch on and when he tried he wouldn't 'stay' on but was clearly hungry I became so upset. 3 days in out came the bottle. (he still didn't feed properly even from the bottle and 2 weeks later ended up back in hospital, diagnosed with 'malfunctioning' suck or something like that and reflux)

He's now 22 months and I can VERY confidently tell you that there are more important things to parenting. Your baby will be fine, you love him, you want what's best for him and you care enough to come somewhere like this for advice/support. There's so much truth in the happy mummy = happy baby thing, if BF was making you unhappy then there's no need to feel guilty for giving it up.

BTW, just a side point a lot of mums go through a low point 2/3 months in - I personally think it's the shock/haze giving way to a realisation that this is now your life and it's SO different to what it was before - perhaps you've just found a particular issue to focus your feelings on? It gets a lot better - your LO will be gurgling and showing a lot more interest in you and the world in general very soon and it really does make a difference to how you feel.

Also - stay off the BF v FF threads, I got sucked in a few times this week and it's just reminded me that I shouldn't be there- it's not representative of MN as a whole, it's usually pretty nice here!

[nicand2]

I gave up bf after about 10 days with my DS as he just wouldn't latch on at all and was getting really frustrated. I went to the bfc every morning for the first few days, arriving as soon as it opened as DS hadn't fed all night. In the end this caused a whole lot of stress that didn't make those first few days and nights and easier.

Everyone I spoke to said that those first few days were the most important and I'd just about managed those. Still felt really guilty but just had to console myself by thinking that I tried my best. My DS was really happy with bottle feeding and when he finally started putting on weight I knew it had been the best thing to do for him.

[ClareWeeval]

I totally understand how you felt. My mlk didn't come through and after I kept perservering I gave up. I felt so bad and spent 3 days crying and feeling like a failure. I tried restarting but it just didn't work. So I spent the following week bursting into tears frequently. DH sat me down and pointed out I had a happy healthy baby it didn't matter how I fed my baby, the point was I done what was best for DD and me and I tried (which is what was important to me). I still get pangs when she turns to root. It does get better x

[stitch]

only you can make peace with yourself.
however, if your baby is 11 weeks old, and you are so desperate, you could always give it another go? since it is stimulation that helps milk production, maybe you conntinuue it somewhou/

[tiktok]

Clare - it would be fine to respond to your baby when she roots There is no law to say she has to be getting a full bf when she does this! If it comforts her and you are comfortable responding, then go for it You may have accepted that bf is not going to happen for you both but being close and responsive in this way is a lovely thing to do for her.

By the way, the midwife that told you everything was fine when your newborn was not pooing for so long was the one who should have helped you fix your breastfeeding - and not let it get to the stage where you had to give formula. You worked so hard. She let you down (as far as I can tell).

Katerina, can you think about 'renaming' your feelings? Guilt is something we feel when we deliberately do something we know is wrong. That doesn't describe what happened with you at all....you are bound to feel sad and disappointed and maybe even angry at the situation, but you did nothing wrong. Stitch is right....you might want to think about starting again (though this is not for everybody, I know). Think about relieving yourself of the guilt, whatever you do - that would be one less negative thing to cope with

[aitch71]

aw katerina and clare, i ff too and i am gutted about it. gutted, not guilty. sad, jealous of those who can do it, grieving for a start i thought i would be able to give my baby but really, not guilty.
we did our best at the time, we'll do our best in the future and we are allowed to get upset about things that didn't work out as we'd hoped. but just please don't feel guilty about it because it's such a negative feeling and so difficult to heal from. feel sad by all means, and one day, judging from the testimony of those who know what it's like to walk in our shoes, we will feel happy again about how we feed our children I'm sure. it's only for a wee while, all this milk business, you'll be able to start weaning them soon and then you'll have something to chat to your breastfeeding friends about.

[aitch71]

shit! by soon, i meant 6 months. don't want another fight today...!

[tigertum]

Oh Katerina75

I don't think you should spend a moment more feeling guilty when you clearly love and care for your child enough to even right this post. Let it go. Your baby will thrive on your love more than anything else.

Just know that you are so, so, so not alone. You have nothing to feel guilty about. The fact is breasfeeding can be bloody hard and we live in a day an age and a way in which very little breastfeeding goes on around us. <a class="break-all" href="http://www.babyfriendly.org.uk/ukstats.asp{url\Look" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">www.babyfriendly.org.uk/ukstats.asp{url\Look at the statisics for breastfeeding in the UK}. Because of that, we all have to learn bf from scratch. We are mostly unprepared for how hard it can be because we rarely see or hear about the problems. Even the leaflets enchouragiing BF, in their desperation to win you over to the idea, can skim over the problems and leave you feeling totally unprepared and like your problems are abnormal. Add to that the 'hit and miss' treatment you can have from midwives/hospitals etc. Add to that the pressure of there being an alternative in the form of formula, easily available and commonly used. I think it ties into so many things to do with the way our society, in recent history, tells us we should look after our babies too. I.e, co-sleeping is strangly controversial in this country, yet it's how women have survived night feeds for millions of years without passing out from exhuastion the next day. The fact that it can be so bloody hard to breastfeed is not your fault. You did what was right for you at the time and its easy to look back and forget just how hard it was now that you have recovered.

You are a good, loving mum and that's all that matters.

[threebob]

Katerina - next time you wake up five times in the night for half an hour each when your ds is ill - you will remember why you made your decision.

[Heathcliffscathy]

you're a great mum from the way you've posted. your baby got colostrum and a really good start.

the one thing that everyone seems to overlook on the feeding threads is that the biggest and most important factor by a country mile to both the emotional and physical development of babies is the quality of emotional contact between the baby and primary carer. this is no joke. babies that don't have adequate emotional contact are at risk of all kinds of physical and emotional problems. nourished babies have a higher mortality rate when separated from their mothers than undernourished babies in unhygenic disease ridden settings who are cuddled and cherished by their mothers.

you took a decision that took you out of being sleep deprived and resentful and frankly should be applauded for that.

please stop beating yourself up. your baby is and will be fine. you need to keep yourself as stress free and well rested as you can during this challenging time the first few months.

you could try to restart if you feel it would make you much happier to try to do so, but don't berate yourself. you've done good.

[northender]

I can't add anything to all the great supportive comment that have already been made. Good luck and enjoy your little one.

[Katerina75]

so many messages - I didn't expect it. thank you all so much for taking the time out to help me feel better. You are all great

I am thinking about restarting (know where to come for advice now) but in the meantime staying off the threads on here is probably the best thing to do. Thanks again.