DH wants me to stop BF our 6mo...causing arguements.

(62 Posts)
Peanutbutternutter419 Sat 25-May-13 23:46:48

Firstly just want to say that BF is going well, DS is putting on over a lb a month and a VERY content little boy! But....This has all come to a head tonight and i'm really upset.
Basically it has come out in an arguement tonight that DH feels left out as a parent due to me BFing our LO.
It all started because I have been out tonight and DH has got himself in a tizz as LO woke up and wanted feeding. I had left a few oz of BM in the fridge but apparently DS drank it all and wanted more so i told DH to give him some formula but by this point, DS was all stressed out so i had to come home after 2 an a half hours. DS ended up drinking formula no problem and was snoring peacefully as i walked through the front door 10 mins later typical

However this has really stressed DH out (which i can fully understand!) and has left him feeling like he is not important apparently. I quote "i feel like its just you and him that live here and im just a nobody". He has been saying that its about time i stopped feeding him and we just move onto bottles so that he can feed him as an option.

I just want to clarify that i have always been open to Ds having bottles of BM or formula at any time and often ask DH if he wants to feed him so i can have a break/cuppa tea in peace but he just says that its quicker and easier for me to feed him.

I hae been out twice since Ds was born and so i dont see the point in switching to bottles when DH has him on his own on a one off...but at the same time its killing me to think that he feels so unimportant in his DS' life.

Sorry...such a long one...just wanted to give a little background to the situation.

EauRouge Sun 26-May-13 10:31:56

Argh, why isn't my refresh working!

If this is about calming your baby then your DH is able to do it- it just takes more time and more work. Yes, he doesn't have that instant comfort that breastfeeding gives but he can offer comfort another way. He just needs to figure out how.

I still think there is more to this than your DH is letting on.

DontmindifIdo Sun 26-May-13 10:32:05

I would suggest you continue saying he can do bedtime (and bathtime) more often with a bottle - but if you are going to be weaning soon, your DH can get more involved in that, milk will become a smaller part of your DS's diet, food more, that's something your DH can do.

I would suggest as well for next time you go out, you buy some ready made formula cartons and have it ready to go, that means it can be that your Dh will only have a few seconds to sort out.

It sounds like he's panicked because he has left a lot more to you using the excuse of your breast feeding to feel he can't do it, and now he had his first time in charge and it didn't go well. A few nights "in charge" with you downstairs, able to step in to help if need be might be what he needs, to build up his confidence that he can do it.

Phineyj Sun 26-May-13 10:34:11

I think he just panicked. Would your baby drink readymade formula? If so your DH would know next time that he has that as a quick solution. I'm sure the answer isn't for you to stop going out or to stop bf if it's working. In fact I think you should go out more regularly so your DH gets more practice, which will build his confidence.

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 26-May-13 10:35:34

He's not thinking this through.

I hate this attitude that it's the woman liking the BF that's the problem. Why shouldn't she? Feeding your child is a satisfying, bonding experience, you shouldn't have to apologise or be made to feel bad for enjoying it, you're supposed to! I do wonder how Big Grown Men managed in the days before safe formula when they started feeling left out Diddums.

I just don't get his reasoning. Let's make ds wait every time he's hungry for formula rather than on the odd occasion that Mum is out?

Formula is absolutely fine but YOU and your ds want to continue to breastfeed. Why on earth does he think HIS wishes should supersede that? Honestly it's ridiculous.

Beatrixpotty Sun 26-May-13 10:40:14

He's just panicked after a bad night.But I think fathers do sometimes feel left out at the beginning,especially when the focus in the relationship changes from him to the baby.
As you are nearly at the weaning stage it will be easier for him to be involved.Pathetic though it sounds my DH was so pleased that I let him give DS1 the first ever spoonful.Once you are weaning your DH can do a lot more.And just wait another few months until DS starts moving and talking.My DS really showed a preference for DH at about 14m despite being EBF and totally dependent on me as a baby.
Don't stop bf because of this,it sounds like it's going really well and in a few months this episode will have been long forgotten.

Tell him you will not be stopping breastfeeding, end of discussion, that is your choice as your babies mother.

His argument makes no sense as your ds will still cry when hungry and waiting for a bottle whether he is breastfed or not.

He can do bedtime feed and one in the night if he wants to help.

He can feed his child new foods when weaning starts.

He can bath, play with, sing to, take his child for walks.

The benefits to breastfeeding continue past one year of age due to increasing immune factors in your milk. Breastfeed for as long as you wish to.

TotallyBursar Sun 26-May-13 10:48:24

I would not be discussing this more I'm afraid.

He can bathe, change, settle, cuddle and now feed at night if he wants to work on the bond with the baby. If he wants to stop total baby hysteria then he'll have to learn to be prepared.

He lost me when he said you were feeding for your own sake. If he wants to be more involved as a parent a good start is putting the needs of his son first, by growing up.
He going to ban you from the house during toddlerhood when ds only has eyes for mummy?
DH got involved in bf by sitting with us, chatting to the babies when he brought me food or drinks, snuggling with us in bed and doing the fetching, winding and settling of them. It was nicer than the expressed feeds for us because we were together...although we had to get a bigger bed by the time Dc4 got here.
Because he made himself involved there was no issue when I was away. They were already used to him comforting & settling them as well as doing an overnight expressed feed.
He could have told me to stop, to the detriment of his wife and child, I could have told him to fuck right off, didn't have to but he was clear that some things were up to me as the main carer. When he was main carer it was his rules.

I think you are pandering to your 'd'h far too much and he needs to grow the hell up! Your baby is still very young. Breast milk is the ideal major source of nutrition for the first YEAR. If you're happy for baby to have a bottle at bedtime then ok but don't let your husband's need for the attention (because that's what's happening here) deprive your son. So what if you enjoy bfeeding too. Your the child's mother. Enjoying feeding him is nothing to be ashamed of.
Your husband needs to understand that there's more to parenting a child than feeding it.

Baby's blush

TotallyBursar Sun 26-May-13 10:49:34

Looks like I copypasta the whole of Stitches post there!
X post but yeah, that grin

grin

TwitchyTail Sun 26-May-13 12:59:50

Also agree with the suggestion for ready made formula cartons to keep in stock in case of "emergency", given your son was happy to drink it - only 69p a go and will provide a quick fix.

I wouldn't go to bottles full time though. I would bet my life savings that you'll end up doing all the washing, sterilising, preparing, and 95% of the feeding, while he has the "option" as he puts it to do a feed hmm

MultipleMama Germany Sun 26-May-13 20:12:11

I exclusively breastfed for 7 months (dts are now 8mo) so DH couldn't even bottle feed them as we didn't use bottles or dummy.

So instead DH had kangaroo care with them just before I breast fed. Still does it now after bath time and gives them their learner bottles.

We also did/do it together on a night (where I bf without bottles). He would sit behind me, and stroke dts' heads while I fed them then he would put them down - I also made sure it was a intimate setting i.e quiet and calm.

I think it's great that he's open enough to tell you - maybe when you've asked him, he said no because he felt like he was imposing and felt awkward and maybe he brought up now because he was in a tizzy. Just a theory.

I don't think you should give up breast feeding if it's something you want to do plus it benefits you both. However I don't think you should dismiss him, it's not selfish of him to ask - everyone is selfish at some point. Have you sat and talked about it? Maybe you could come up with a routine near feeding time.

DH and I hate a lot of conversations but communication is the key. Good luck! I hope you sort it out smile xxx

MultipleMama Germany Sun 26-May-13 20:20:10

Can I just not that breast feeding can be seen as selfish too, as you can bottle fed expressed milk to a baby - so the baby is not missing out on nutrients etc. It doesn't need to be formula.

And I can admit that I was. "you're was selfish to breastfed because of the bonding when you could have easily fed them by bottle while doing kangaroo care" Was one of DH's points during our argument.

Just saying; as lots of posts seem to be saying that baby doesn't get nutrients by bottle. Just to put it out there...

noblegiraffe Sun 26-May-13 20:39:54

when you could have easily fed them by bottle while doing kangaroo care

This has to be one of the strangest things I have read. Selfish to breastfeed when you could have artificially mimicked breastfeeding instead? How odd, and what an utter faff if you're happy with the real deal.

ouryve Sun 26-May-13 20:43:52

Your DH needs to grow the fuck up. (Based on first post - not read on).

PlateSpinningAtAllTimes Sun 26-May-13 20:44:49

Lots of good points here (maybe you should show DH the thread?!). Just wanted to add that my DH used to feel left out at times when DS was small - never urged me to stop bf though. He had a few horrible stressful evenings when I attempted a night out and DS screamed the whole time etc. However those first few months are such a tiny proportion of your child's life. DS is now almost 4 and he's ALL about daddy. Now I have 6mo DD who's very clingy with me (EBF and cosleeping), won't settle for DH etc, but we're not worried because we both know how much things will change as she grows and develops!

leedy Sun 26-May-13 20:59:30

It strikes me as a "I had to endure a cranky baby waiting for a bottle, so I want you to have to endure that for every feed instead of easily giving the boob because otherwise it's not faaaaaaaaair" argument. Gah.

motherinferior Sun 26-May-13 21:00:15

It's not about him.

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 26-May-13 21:07:15

multiplemama your DH sounds like incredibly hard work too.

And "breast feeing can be seen as selfish too". Seriously?

You're stressing about keeping twins fed and then having to express like a maniac to make sure DH gets his "turn" too?

I am honestly astounded there are women out there who think ths is ok and actually pander to it.

girliefriend Sun 26-May-13 21:09:16

Could your dh do a class or something with your ds? Like baby swimming? It sounds like he is feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all and it might help with the bonding maybe.

It goes without saying that you need to bf for as long as you want, if you stop any sooner because of him you will resent him for it for a very long time.

In his defence though I do think the first 6 months can be hard for dads as their role really is about supporting you to look after your son. Sometimes this can make them feel left out and a bit of a spare part.

Startail Sun 26-May-13 21:14:12

confused I don't know what to say, I feed DD2 for years and DH was nothing, but supportive. Surely DH can give your DC a hug, a pot of yoghurt, a toy, put in a DVD, a cup of juice (ok yoghurt and juice may be 7 rather than 6 months), but honestly he's being a twit.

MultipleMama Germany Sun 26-May-13 21:34:20

I was just making a point as others can see it as selfish. I don't pander him; I want him involved and he likes being involved. He's not hard work just involved which is better than being distant. I have his support despite the discussions we had.

noble The kangaroo care and bottle was just a suggestion; mums who can't breast feed do it and I'm sure some bf mums do too.

Like I said; if she wants to breast feed then do; don't stop because he doesn't like it, I was merely offering some suggestions.

How will stopping BF help? He wants you to deal with a hungry baby and have to make formula is that it?!

I would challenge him to do bedtimes etc a bit more if he wants to be more hands on.

SizzleSazz Sun 26-May-13 21:47:03

Might pre-made formula cartons help? Much more instant than faffing with water and powder.

I wouldn't give up BF though

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