Feel so low, exhausted and fed up. And it's only day 9.

(24 Posts)
MayimBialik Mon 26-Nov-12 12:04:06

Trying to BF Ds who is 9 days old and my first. I had some days when it went really well. He barely lost any if his birthweight. During the day I feel a lot more positive about it, but at night he can take up to 30mins just to latch on. During this time he thrashes about, screams, gets distressed - as do I. I also find it so painful but once he's latched on I just try to deal with it because, well, he's finally latched on.

I'm exhausted, crying constantly, feel low and guilty that I'm psychologically effecting him on some way. I feel like my days have been given up because I'm having to catch up on sleep from the night before and therefore I'm getting serious cabin fever. The smallest tasks seem like huge ones. I want to contact someone to come and help me but I don't know who. Any advice on why ds might be forgetting his latch at night?

JiltedJohnsJulie Mon 26-Nov-12 12:13:51

Really feel for you May. Are you still under the MW? Could you call them? If not, do you know of any Bfing Counsellors in your area? Try your local branch of the NCT and La Leche League as they might have one in your area.

If you don't know of any local BFC try googling National Breastfeeding Helpline, it might also be worthwhile googling Biological Nurturing as it might help with his latch. Hope you get some RL help today smile.

tiktok Mon 26-Nov-12 12:52:45

May, so sorry you are having a bad time.

I agree with JJJ - tell the midwife. Crying constantly is not normal. You need proper help and support and someone to look after you and do all the jobs except feeding, so you are comfortable and rested.

What sort of partner/family/friend support do you have at present?

AndMiffyWentToSleep Mon 26-Nov-12 12:54:43

The early days are tough - nights even more so.

I'd recommend trying to go to a breastfeeding drop in, baby cafe etc for some support.

It should get easier with time (and practice), but it may help if someone can look at your latch and positioning etc

Essexmamma Mon 26-Nov-12 17:14:45

Hi, the first weeks can be very tough and painful but your baby is putting on weight so you're doing a great job. Your red book should contain details of any nearby sure start centres and breastfeeding support groups which are so helpful and encouraging when it's tough. Breastfeeding counsellors might well come to your house to help if you ask, they do where we live so id defo recommend using the help on offer. Sorting out your latch will make all the difference xx

JiltedJohnsJulie Mon 26-Nov-12 21:56:52

How are you this evening may?

Rowanhart Mon 26-Nov-12 21:58:51

I had a similar experiences during the first week with my little one. She wouldn't latch in and lost weight. I gave her some formula and se drank it so fast I felt really guilty.

She's now mix at around 50% each. I'm expressing the breast milk. It had made her and our experience so much more joyful.

Don't feel guilty, don't feel like you have failed. The most important thing is that your little one is happy and healthy and so is his mum!

BlackSwan Mon 26-Nov-12 22:30:13

On day 9 I quit! I remember exactly what you're describing. It's so tough isn't it...not what you expect. It's 3 years down the road now and I wish I hadn't given myself such a hard time. Wish I had contemplated mixed feeding from the outset - in the end I was so worn out by it all I just had to drop it. It hasn't mattered a single bit of course, my little one is happy and healthy. There's a lot of pressure to exclusively BF and it really isn't that important.

Rowanhart Mon 26-Nov-12 23:07:05

Sorry by DD is now 18 days old.

Chunkychicken Tue 27-Nov-12 01:45:50

It does get easier - this does pass!! But when you're there, it feels like its forever & its hell. I say this as I'm awake after feeding my 2nd DC who is 15do & ebf.

The first couple of wks are tricky. At night, you are trying to sleep, so not watching for his hunger cues, so he is more hungry by the time you feed him, so more desperate to feed but finding it harder to latch on because of the desperation. You could try to wake up & feed him before he gets that hungry BUT you might find he still doesn't feed well for other reasons, & you end up awake for even longer. However, its an option. In time, you will get longer gaps between feeds, so more sleep, and get better at spotting when he's hungry.

Have you tried different latch positions? Go to bed in the afternoon & practice different positions (like lying down) so you can repeat it at 2am or whatever, more confident that it'll work.

LLL have a 24hr helpline which you could try if you're struggling.

Try going out for a short walk or something during the day, if nothing else, or visiting family/friends. You'll feel better for the fresh air/getting out, & like you've achieved something. Perhaps someone could look after your DS while you sleep for a short while so you feel more refreshed and calmed at night?

It does get easier, I promise. If you keep up with bf, it is so much easier than ff at night- when bf is established & your latch is sorted, & baby is bigger. At the first sign of hunger, you just whip your boob out, rather than have to get up, make up a bottle etc.smile

Hope things improve for you soon.

piprabbit Tue 27-Nov-12 02:06:24

I think that many new mums have to go through a really painful transition as they try to adjust to a whole new concept of time (on top of everything else they are trying to cope with).

You are working on a 24 hour cycle, 14 hours awake and busy followed by 8 hours sleep. You are used to this, you've been living it all your life.
But your baby is working on a (maybe) 3 hour cycle. Day and night mean nothing to him. Within each cycle he fits in everything he needs, food, sleep, a little stimulation.
At the moment you and your DS's cycles are completely incompatible and in the short term something has to give. Unfortunately your DS can't do much about his internal rhythm, so you are the one left struggling with all the adjustments.

As your DS gets a bit older he will gradually start to recognise night and day, his cycle will gradually lengthen and he will begin to fit in with the adults around him. In the meantime, I found it helped to stop worrying about night and day and just to focus on fitting my own food/drink/sleep needs into my baby's 3 hour cycle. It is very anti-social and hard to adjust to (a bit like doing some sort of nightmare shift work), but there isn't any point in fighting against it, just go with the flow be accepting. I had snacks and drinks available to me during night feeds, I would listen to the radio (World service is fab for a calm reassuring voice in the night) anything to distract me from the fact that I was not asleep.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling worn out but things will get better, this is just a phase and the way you feel is completely normal.

You deserve a huge hug and a pat on the back, you are doing a terrific, important job and you are doing it very well. Congratulations to both you and miniMayim.

MayimBialik Tue 27-Nov-12 03:13:14

Thanks for your replies everyone. I think part of the problem is sleep deprivation but have just managed nearly 3 hrs before ds woke up for some milk. It was also said to me yesterday that the reason he may not latch on so well at night is because my boobs are so full that he can't quite open his mouth that wide for a latch. So I've been emptying my breast a little and then pretty much squashing my nipple so he can get it on his mouth. Seems to be working! And am currently feeding lying on my side! Which seems to be working well smile

I'm very lucky that my DH is very supportive and has literally changed all the nappies so far.

And I can't remember who was that said it as on phone but yes bottle fed would be more stressful at night because we'd have to make a bottle up.

Feeling much more positive tight now wink

Chunkychicken Tue 27-Nov-12 03:19:08

Glad things are improving. Sleep deprivation is hard.

Drmcdreamyswife Tue 27-Nov-12 03:22:08

Well done sounds like you're doing really well. The first few weeks with a new baby are really tough. I cried loads and that was mostly sleep deprivation. It continues to get better, they start going for longer at night and suddenly you wake up and realise you have just slept 5 hours and feel like you have won the sleep lottery!!

Breastfeeding wise it sounds like you're getting it spot on. They have to learn to latch and guiding lo in first few weeks is great. I love feeding lying down abs now my dd latches herself on (12 weeks) no probs after tonnes of problems at start

Keep going you're doing brilliantly

Chottie Tue 27-Nov-12 03:28:25

Just to say hang on in there, it sounds like everything is coming together. When I was at home, I used to lie on the bed to bf so I had a rest with my feet up too. smile

PurplePidjChickIsNotTheMessiah Tue 27-Nov-12 04:31:29

Just wanted you to know you're not alone, my 8do is exactly the same! Glad to know it passes fairly quickly

Breastfeeding drop in in t minus 5 hours and counting...

Mayim you are doing really well smile Those early weeks are so tough. I really struggled at night for a while - I found it much harder mentally to cope with feeding DS at night than in the day. DH was great though, and would take over by settling DS or by staying up with him if he wouldn't settle so I could grab 2 hours sleep. A few weeks in, DH did a couple of nights in with DS alone with me in the spare room, only woken for feeds, which allowed me to get a little more quality sleep.

It's great your DH is doing all the nappies, but I hope he is supporting you through the night too.

I promise you it does get easier, but you are not alone, those first weeks really are mega tough. Try and get out every day, even if only for a short walk (if the weather isn't as crap as it sounds out there right now!).

Look after yourself smile thanks

thegirlinthesassyspace Tue 27-Nov-12 08:49:11

I am sorrry to hear its so tough, If its any consolation, I am also on day 9 of my twins and finding exactly the same problems.
I am trying to bf but I can't latch them on in taandem during the night-time as they are often too sleepy or thrashing about, and if one does latch on the other then falls off by the time I have jiggled aabout so much on the other side.
I have just done a pretty bad night and both me and dh gave up after not being able to settle either baby, and slept with them on our chests.
Not a good idea I know!
I am so exhausted and I feel guilty for not being as loving or chatting to them as much in these early days - I haven't the energy to think of soothing words or songs.
During the day time I am much more calm and up for persevering with them on the boob, and so are they, but the night time someytimes just creeps up on you and you have a terrible one, which puts me in a desperate mood in the morning.
I was thinking of getting a white noise machine. At the moment I have the radio on and some soothing rain cds etc. This has helped them feel a bit safer in the dark and silent nights, compared to the every day noises during the day (they are happy to sleep in the day!!! why so unfair!!???)

thegirlinthesassyspace Tue 27-Nov-12 08:50:45

ps. can anyone share how much they feed their newborns for each feed?
I am currently feeding them every 4 hours roughly, and sometimes it varies as to whether they are extra hungry or extra sleepy
I am mixed feeding atm, as I am struggling to bf at night

2muchxmaspud Tue 27-Nov-12 09:14:18

I remember DS (now 3.5 yo) he was terrible through the night for feeding, not helped by the sheer fact I was knackered. No support from OH (admitted he was scared of hurting him by accident) anyway I expressed and used the bottles through the night so at least he was fed quicker and we all slept better.

I managed to breastfeed for 9 months and I just stopped producing but it did get easier I was acctually gutted that I got through the toe curling pain barrier, and had to stop as I wasn't producing anymore.

Anyway, with time it will second nature and a wonderfull bonding moment. Enjoy your little one x

tiktok Tue 27-Nov-12 09:37:38

girlinthesassy - start a new thread and you will get more responses.

mayim, glad things have gone better over the past day - hope it continues, but do tell the midwife how low you feel.

JiltedJohnsJulie Tue 27-Nov-12 12:42:15

Agree with tiktok starting a new thread girlinthesassy is a good idea smile and mayim, yes please do tell your MW how low you are. Good to here that your DH is helping with nappies, is he doing other things like cooking dinner? Do you only changed soiled nappies at night? I left wees but changed the nappy only if they had pooed.

MayimBialik Tue 27-Nov-12 21:30:34

DH is wonderful yes - he's literally doing everything bar the feeding. He's changing nappies at night too. Although that'll have to change when he goes back to work - he thinks it's fine to continue but I think he'll struggle to concentrate at work.

Saw midwife today and have explained how I feel. Sleep deprivation is the main cause as after last night's sleep I feel sooo much brighter. It's all just a culture shock.

And I've been shown how to grab my boob and shove it in DSs mouth quite effectively ;-)

Thanks for all your replies.grin

JiltedJohnsJulie Tue 27-Nov-12 21:45:28

Hope you have a better night tonight, I ended up co sleeping with both of mine, not because I'm really into that kind of thing, its just the only way we could all get a good nights sleep.

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