Our February NonFiction choice, SHE LEFT ME THE GUN, is about a woman on a mission to forget who she used to be - and her daughter’s mission to find out. Award-winning Guardian journalist Emma Brockes has written an astonishingly clear-eyed and compassionate account of her mother’s shocking story, and how she came to unearth the truth. With such a deeply compelling and personal subject, we asked Emma to tell us about it herself:
'For a long time, I felt rather sheepish about writing this book. I thought it constituted making a fuss, and not making a fuss was a central plank of my mother's character. I was also wary of it being lumped in as a misery memoir, which is why the working title was Boo Fucking Hoo. (I couldn't have it, my publishers said, because I'd never get on Radio 4).
Since publishing it last year, I've come up with lots of reasons as to why exactly I wrote it. Like: “I wrote it to circumscribe the grief after my mother's death.” This didn't occur to me at the time, but I believe it. It was Primo Levi who said the human condition is naturally opposed to anything infinite, and if you don't know the extent of what you've lost – if a person dies having kept large swathes of their life secret from you - the loss feels unbounded and therefore unbearable.
I also wrote it because it seemed to me that a great sacrifice had been made on my behalf and I couldn't stand the idea of it going unrecognized. We live in an age of compulsive, public self-pathologizing. Talent plus trauma is the jackpot condition, failing which just talent, failing which just trauma. I interviewed Simon Cowell, once, whose shows have done so much to encourage the idea of adversity-as-selling-point and even he had to admit things had spun out of control: “I once had a guy who came rushing out on stage and literally shouted, 'I've got cancer!' Like it was great news. He was so happy that he had a sad story.”
My mother always threatened to tell me her sad story. “One day I will tell you the story of my life,” she said, “and you will be amazed.” She said it in her customary style, jaunty and undefeated, but I knew something horrible lurked underneath. You can always tell. It is there in the flit of the eyes.
It would, I'm sure, have been consoling for my mother to talk about what happened to her in childhood and early adulthood. But I was not the person to hear it. No child should bear the weight of their parent's unhappiness and she understood that. It was none of my business and she moved heaven and earth to keep it that way.
None of this struck me at the time. At the time, I thought I was writing it because it was a great story and I'm a journalist. I was writing it because it kept her close to me for a little bit longer. Mainly, I was writing it for what I hope is a good reason to do or write anything: because if I didn't, no one else would.’
You can find further details on Emma's website including interviews for the Guardian, as well as information on both her books.
If you’re interested to read and come back and discuss, apply for a free copy. Faber have 50 copies to give to Mumsnetters – to claim yours go to the book of the month page. We’ll post on the thread when all the copies have gone. If you’re not lucky enough to bag one of the free books, you can always get your paperback or Kindle version here.
If you get a free copy, we do expect you to come and and tell us what you think. So please feel free to discuss the book here throughout the month and look forward to hearing your thoughts…
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Book of the month
SHE LEFT ME THE GUN by Emma Brockes is our February Non-Fiction choice - apply for a free copy and discuss the book here
45 replies
TillyBookClub · 07/02/2014 07:46
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