I love my mum, but I really don't like her

[mae1uk]

Long post- very sad.

All my life my mother has been abusive emotionally and mentally, at times even physically.

All through my childhood when an argument arose with my father & he could have said the slightest thing wrong, she would spend weeks causing an oppressive atmosphere in the family home refusing to be civil, physically trying to intimidate him by standing in his space often holding a knife up to him, walking round the house following him with a knife, shouting verbal abuse. She even turned on me a few times when I was a child. Her anger was irrational and deeply upsetting.
The feeling she created led me to try and commit suicide as a teenager. My parents eventually split. This became the worst period of my life. The verbal abuse I suffered because I was Genetically linked to my dad and wanted to maintain a relationship with him was unbearable. I had to move far away to cope. Her temper and abuse hasn't really subsided much as I've gotten older. I've always loved her and always will. But she is aggressive spiteful, bitter and abusive.

The biggest issue is that she denies ever having done any of these things. She denies stabbing my dad numerous times, she denies she has a temper. She denies ever having ever done anything wrong. You can never confront my mother with anything as she will never have been in the wrong. She's never at fault. I have a relationship with my mum it's quite strange as I can't leave her- I suspect it's because she is an abuser and has a hold over me.

She is now terminally I'll, but still she is the same poisonous person. She has hated every man I have ever been with because she hasn't been able to buy them like she buys a lot of people and all my boyfriends have stood up to her.

Now in her final few months of her life she has had a massive fall out with my husband. She tries to drive a wedge in my relationships and is able to hold me to ransome. I so desperately want to tell her how she has made me feel all my life and the bitter person she actually is, but I know it's futile and now she is going to die and I will be left without the mother I've always yearned for and unresolved issues.