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Losing my mum to cancer

(6 Posts)
Bex33 Sat 16-Aug-14 09:49:29

Hi everyone, ive just lost my mum to cancer only a month ago. She never told us she had it and we had to watch her deteriorate over the 2 weeks. It was horrific and barbaric. There are so many unanswered questions...
The palliative care nurse told us that mum just put it in s box and pushed it to one side. It's so very sad because if we had known we could of made her final few months happy ones with lots of memories.
She died of endometrial cancer on the bowel but only told us she had endometriosis and not cancer. Mum was such a very strong willed and strong munded woman and to see this happen to her only made me more angry.
My dad is coping well and we are doing lots of things with him to look forward to eg trips away etc.
I wanted to know, did my mum feel the pain and would she of known she was dying??
I'm just so sad about it and feel there are so many unanswered questions!!

Anyone been in a similar way??

Bex33 Sat 16-Aug-14 09:50:40

Strong minded that is!

lightgreenglass Sat 16-Aug-14 09:57:31

So sorry to hear that you have to go through this and for the many other families that face cancer - it's a bastard.

My mums doctor told 4 weeks before she dies she would know that she was going to die. That was true. She knew and didn't let us know till the night she was rushed into hospital. She was also strong willed and a feisty woman - it seems so unfair that she was taken from us in the prime of her life.

She was in pain - but she had secondary lung cancer but once she was 'asleep' unconscious she was no longer in pain and we just had to wait for her body to shut down. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

Good to hear your dad is coping - for us even a year after she passed we still plan things for Dad to look forward to, to keep him going.

Bex33 Sun 17-Aug-14 08:07:52

Sorry to hear of your loss also. When your mum passed did you feel a huge relief swamped with grief? We just didn't want mum to be in anymore pain so when it finally happened a huge relief swept over me plus grief because it was my mum who I had just lost. I want to believe theres something after we pass but I went to see my mum in the chapel of rest and it was hard to beliebe anything once I'd seen her. She looked like she was asleep and pain free. I also felt like I shouldn't of been there looking at her because she would of hated that. I want to believe that she's gone to heaven but to actually of suffered with this in the 1st place leads me to believe that there is no God or heaven.
How is your dad coping? Also how old was your mum?

Thank you for replying to my tgread
Rebecca

lightgreenglass Mon 18-Aug-14 14:14:09

Hi Rebecca,

Sorry it's taken me a while to reply, it's my first week back after maternity. Yes I felt the relief too, especially as we were waiting for her to pass so it was the relief that it was over for her and over for us all too. We didn't have to stay in the hospital any longer and her body finally caved - her mind went days before her body.

My mum always believed in a higher power and the universe and that what I would like to think - but it's hard because of the contradictions. My mum was a woman who was 49, never smoked, went to the gym 3 times a week, drank in moderation and always looked after her body. She was kind to those around her and people remember her warmth even if they only met her once. I didn't go and see my mum as she said she didn't want us to see her like that, my dad went and I think he found it helpful - he said exactly what you said - that she was asleep and in a better place. My mum passed the same day her brother passed 10 years before so that felt like too much of a coincident to just be fate for us.

Did you believe in God and heaven before this?

We cleared out her clothes this weekend after putting it off for so long. It was hard for my dad as he sleeps with her stuff around him and finds comfort in it. He has his bad days and good days - he has people telling him to find a new partner but for him he's only ever loved my mum. His family have been awful - his brother and sister don't visit or ring and he feels disappointed because of that. Also my mum was the one who organised their social calendar and they had their friends - some who have disappeared and others who have come back into his life.

I gave birth a couple of months after my mum passed and that for our family have been the drive to look forward to the future with my son.

How's your dad and family?

Bex33 Tue 19-Aug-14 11:18:28

Thank you for your reply. Good to hear you have a baby to focus on and also that your dad has someone else he can share his life with. We're on this planet once so we have to make the most.
I'm sceptical about a God however I do occasionally go to my home church. I find it hard to believe that there is anything because there is so much pain in the world.
I would like to believe!!

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