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How do I manage difficult situation with son's girlfriend and her parents rage!

(9 Posts)
segrace Wed 14-May-14 09:46:10

My son is 15 and has been in a very happy and loving relationship with a girl in his year at school for the past 6 months. They are both doing well at school and are 'good kids'. However, her parents are very strict and she doesn't have a fantastic relationship with them. Because of this she has spent a lot of time at our house. I also have an older daughter (17) and I think she enjoys being around her too. Last night all hell broke loose as son's GF mum discovered (by a total mess up at the Drs) that she had an appt with the doc to go on the pill. She and Dad have now hit the roof - called son's GF some horrible names - and have now said she cannot see my son anymore. Having been through a very similar experience in terms of early sex/relationship with my own daughter and it turn out just fine - I am more pragmatic about this whole thing and heartbroken for my son who clearly adores his GF. There is no exploitation or ill-treatment here - it might be a bit early but in comparison to what they might be getting up to - they are in a safe and trusting relationship. It is my son's b'day on Sunday and they are saying she cannot even come out with us for lunch. Is there anything I can do?????

OldLadyKnowsSomething Thu 15-May-14 03:18:00

No, I don't think there's much you can do. She's 15 (I'm assuming) and her parents have discovered she's planning (or just being careful about) to have underage sex. While I don't necessarily agree that stopping her seeing your ds is a good idea, they have their POV and there's nothing you can, or should, do about it.

Sorry. sad

Bearandcub Thu 15-May-14 03:31:23

Yes you can have a conversation with your son about statutory rape and the implications of being on the sex offenders list.

They are underage. Consensual or not he is at risk of prosecution given how her parents feel about the issue.

I doubt sincerely it would come to this but he does need to be aware of potential consequences not just pregnancy. Likewise I think I'd be hitting the roof at unprotected sex too. Drum into him condoms, condoms, condoms.

OldLadyKnowsSomething Thu 15-May-14 03:41:09

Assuming they're in the UK, there is no such thing as "statutory rape", that's an entirely US concept. If either party were aged under 13 (they're not) the elder would be guilty of child molestation/rape, as UK law says a child of 12 or under cannot give consent to sex. In the UK, however, it is recognised that "underaged" teens do consensually shag, and in such cases it's not "in the public interest" to prosecute, since both parties would be liable to end up on the sex offenders register, and that's not actually helpful to either of them.

Why is it that we so frequently blame teenage boys for wanting sex, while ignoring the sexual desires of teenage girls?

(Sorry, OP, not wanting to derail your thread.)

Bearandcub Thu 15-May-14 03:57:18

I couldn't agree more boys get unfairly blamed its a risk they need to be made aware of.

OldLadyKnowsSomething Thu 15-May-14 04:19:45

No, both girls and boys need to be made more aware of the laws surrounding underage sex. The girl is as much at risk of being done for shagging an underage boy, as the boy is for shagging an underage girl. It's the same for sexting, which was an issue on another thread a few days ago; boy (aged 15/16) asked if 12/13 yo "did pictures" on some instant photo-sharing thing (did NOT ask for rude/naked stuff) and loads of people said he should be reported to the police. He didn't do/say/suggest anything illegal; the girl provided nothing illegal.

But if she had taken topless/more graphic selfies, (which many, many teens do, for whatever reason) and sent them, she would have been guilty of creating and sharing child porn. He would merely have been guilty of owning same. Legally, it's actually more serious for the creator, ie, the girl.

Plainly our laws need revamped; it has been assumed that all sexual images of people aged under 18 are the result of coercion by a more "knowing" and deliberatley abusive adult. I don't think this is the case any more.

(And I think my spelling has gone to shit)

segrace Mon 19-May-14 13:28:56

Thank you for your comments. I have talked to them about the law but through my job know that the chances of them being prosecuted are virtually nil - particularly as GF is older (nearly 16) and the police have better things to do with their time. Since my first post, I have plucked up the courage to talk to DS's GF's mum and we had a very mature conversation which has resulted in peace being restored and the kids being warned about all the possibilities and risks of their actions. Btw they had used a condom they just wanted something more reliable. I also agree that we need to be more aware of younger teenagers sexual desires both boys and girls and threatening them with legal interventions etc is in my mind a very bizarre way to go about talking about sex with your children. Surely we should be focusing more on love, respect and not treating sex as a leisure activity.

PeterParkerSays Mon 19-May-14 13:34:29

I would also be encouraging your DS's girlfriend to go to the manager of the GP Practice and raise merry hell about the administrative mix-up of their making which has resulted in this.

squizita Mon 19-May-14 13:55:08

FWIW my DH has worked with law enforcement and has had to work on cases based on the BF 16/GF 15 consenting sexual intercourse situation: if the parents are willing to push (or pay, and some do) for a prosecution it can happen ... especially if there's a media frenzy about underage girls and dirty old men going on.
There was a flurry of them a couple of years back.

Made DH very down about it as the boys ended up on the register and it was cut and dried, strict liability. But he knew that for many of us (both men and women) we had our 1st relationships between 14-16 and these parents had misused the law. sad

We actually changed our local area's SRE (sex ed) classes to reflect this as there was a case that was local.

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