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Who is right?

(4 Posts)
MrsEdgarLinton Sat 08-Feb-14 22:08:54

To make a long story short, my DH and I have been married for 9 years. We have 3 children under the age of 6. We met in 'the city' (not going to say which city) about 14 years ago, before we got married obviously. It was always my plan, and I thought I made this very clear that, we would move out of the city, esp when/if we had children so I could move down to the country (place I grew up) as a. houses are cheaper, b. will have a better support network quality of life, c. i have an option to build a house on my father's land as he is a farmer etc. I have loads of family there - very supportive parents and sisters with lots of nieces and nephews, which my children adore playing with. I also have a lot of friends there and my husband gets on very well with brother in laws, etc. DH always said he'd move it a job came up, etc. However, I think he'd find it claustrophobic and says things like 'you wouldn't really be happy living so near your family'

It became a more immediate issues when first DC started school. She started her first year in a school last year, but as I was very unsettled about our future plans/where to live, DH could not get work in place I'm from (or in my opinion, did not take a few jobs that were suitable as he wanted to stay in his well-paid job and IMO is very ambitious at work and values a well-paid job over quality of life. We still live in a rented house as the city it so expensive although have a great chance to buy our own place in the country near my family). So we decided to live a bit out of the city (compromise) and DD started in a new school. Took her awhile to get used to it (felt guilty about this) but she loves her new school, although is finding it a bit hard to make friends, etc. I'm not imagining this and playing it to my advantage, but she loves being around her cousins and seems more relaxed and is always sad leaving after a weekend when we visiting home.

Things are very tense in the house. My DH's sister is moving to be near us here (IN OUR RENTED HOUSE!!) and he is delighted that we'll have a 'network'. I get on well with his sisters, etc but I really, really miss the easy company and support of my own family/sisters. Esp when children are sick - we have no back up, or I feel I can't ask. TBH, I feel heartbroken and lost. I feel i'm living his life and not mine. I feel I don't have a sense of myself any more.

I'm making a huger effort for DD for make friends in school., doing play dates,. etc, but in my heart, I don't feel a sense of permanency about where we're living as we're renting, don't know neighbors. I've lots of friends through work and from my college days here but it's not the same as having family support when you have children,

I feel very insecure financially too.

To top it all, his parents have retired and moved very near my own and it would be so lovely to have both grandparents near. For the children.
I'm not saying I want to rely on them as I never ask for help in case I need them, but just for the children's memories,etc. My father is getting older and I miss not being around my folks.

DH seems happy working long hours in a stressful job, while I have to carve out a network and community, while he comes home to watch breaking bad and drink beer and then gives out to me for being a 'moan' and that 'he's working hard', etc, etc. I resent his values. I don't care about the big salary. What does it all mean if you can't be near family, etc?! I know this sounds like a gender issue, but I don't think it matters as much for men as it does for women to be near the support of their mother/sisters.

I miss bringing kids up in the country, farming, country walks, roughing it outdoors with their cousins. Instead, we live in a shoebox in a rented house, with a tiny garden and watch tv on wet days. of course it's nice being near gigs, nice restaurants (as DH says) but these things don' really matter to children under the age of 6!

It has always been a source of tension between me and DH but now it's come to a head. I feel I resent him hugely. I feel bad for doing this but I've tried to make it work.

I just feel miserable. The kids feel it too.

Have I lost all perspective?? Am I a moaner/control freak? Will I just make the best of it?

Am sorry as others have bigger problems and work/housing situations but I feel very much at a loss as what to do.

Thanks for listening as long story was not as short as I intended. x

scottishmummy Sun 09-Feb-14 14:47:14

It's not about right or wrong.you both have incompatible objectives.that's source of stress
You want a country's life.he's want City life.and somehow you've ended up in city
So your next task is to see if there is a compromise you can both live with.but as sole earner he needs be near work or change job

If his sis will be near why don't you go to uni/college in evening, can you volunteer or get pt work.

scottishmummy Sun 09-Feb-14 14:50:29

In fairness,why should he take a job with less career option so you can be closer home
It's a big ask to take a career with less pay/options to fulfil your desire be near family
Why don't you try work.increase revenue,look at potentially buy a property

Hambo04 Thu 13-Feb-14 21:04:24

Things happen, and change. The important thing here is compromise and doing what's best for the family and children, not just one person whether that be you or DH.

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