gender disappointment - anyone else?

(81 Posts)
honeymoonmum Fri 27-Aug-10 21:06:42

So obviously I am delighted my baby is healthy, beautiful, safe.........

I was convinced it was a girl and I now have two boys. I have a horrible empty feeling in my stomach.

Anyone else feel robbed?

I feel spoilt and ungrateful; but just so wanted a daughter

sleepingsowell Fri 27-Aug-10 21:46:13

Oh dear sorry you are feeling down. I'm sure someone will have better advice than me because I only have one child, a son - and I was so thrilled to have a son and look forward to his growing up with such joy. I just don't know how I would have felt to have a girl.

However I do believe that we don't have boys or girls, we have people.

I believe that gender roles are what lead to gender disappointment; subtle beliefs that society ingrains in us of what girls or boys will be, or do.

What might you get from a girl? Who is to say you won't get all of what you would have got, from a boy?

I think the way to come to terms with it might be to examine your pre conceptions around what girls are?

MollysChambers Fri 27-Aug-10 21:56:39

Congratulations! Your son has a little brother. I think same sex siblings have a really special bond. Try and focus on that maybe? (Sorry you're feeling down.)

catherinedenerve Fri 27-Aug-10 22:06:00

Poor little boy.

ledkr Fri 27-Aug-10 22:06:25

Hi I had 3 boys all grown now. was little disappointed but saw them all as individuals and tried to have the best possible relationship with them all. my youngest and I went everywhere together and shared many interests. he went onto become a ballet dancer so didn't exactly stick with gender stereotypes. we all get on great now and have a real laugh together. don't be disappointed just put lots of time into your relationship and enjoy them both. x

DinahRod Fri 27-Aug-10 22:26:00

It's ok to feel this way, it doesn't make you a bad mum or mean that you can love and be delighted by your little boy. Just promise me that if you feel really down that you'll go and see your gp.

Can I ask why you didn't find out the gender at the 20wk scan?

DinahRod Fri 27-Aug-10 22:26:49

oops, doesn't mean you can't love your little boy

teamWatson Fri 27-Aug-10 22:36:33

Well we have 3 girls & the 3rd was very much a suprise entry so to speak smile

I have always enjoyed having girls but my guilt does lie with my husband because I KNOW he wanted a boy.

After we had our second girl I could feel his disappointment but when we found out about suprise baby number 3 we also found out 2 other couples in our group were also preg with their 3rd, they had boys & we had our 3rd girl.

I notice how different he reacts to their boys & our girls, it's very sad for us, especially as like sleepingsowell said, just because they are females doesn't mean they have to be lipstick & flowers every day & we have 1 daughter who would love to play footie & rough house & I am sure if he gave them a chance would do what daddy see's as fun - very sad sad

Jenski Fri 27-Aug-10 22:41:20

I take it you were expecting a girl from a scan you had?

I wish you all the best with your two boys. babies are babies. please don't feel sad for having two lovely boys. I have three girls who are fab. I would love a boy, but it is not my destiny because I probably will have no more!

GIve your self time to accept your lovely new baby - he is meant to be

catherinedenerve Fri 27-Aug-10 23:12:44

blush Sorry HONEYMOONMUM, I have been very harsh. Perhaps you had been told it was a little girl and made lots of preparations.
I wish you a lot of joy with your little baby, I am sure he is gorgeous. And perhaps I am a bit jealous.

chipmonkey Fri 27-Aug-10 23:49:52

honeymoon, this is very, very common. I speak as a mum of four boys!grin

I really, really always wanted a daughter and now unless someone leaves a baby girl on my doorstep it won't be happening.

First of all, let me tell you that it is lovely for boys to have brothers. Mine are all a big happy gang and I think they like being from an all-boy family.

Secondly, as you know, boys are wonderful! They love their Mums so much and they really don't have to conform to a gender stereotype. My ds1 has brought me 2 cups of tea this evening, and by and large, I get complimented all the time on how well-mannered my boys are.

And to quote the life of Brian, They Are All Individuals! I often think that people who have a mixture will tell you that "Boys are wild" and "Girls are independent" for example but what they mean is that their boy is wild and that their girl is independent. There is nothing like having all of the same sex to show you that they are all so different from each other.

You will love that little boy in your arms. He will charm you and wrap you round his little finger and make your heart melt with his smile.

I would advise you to try to think of him as a child rather than a boy. Buy clothes in lime-green and orange and red and feck it, you can even buy pink boy clothes at the minute!

Another thing you can do is to look at some of the little girls you know and realise that they are not all little princesses, they are not all well-behaved and they are not all chocolate-box pretty. I think we can have an idealised image of little girls when really they are all as different as little boys and can be sporty and boisterous and not necessarily an improvement!

honeymoonmum Sat 28-Aug-10 14:29:21

Hi all-thanks for your comments. Can I state I ADORE my baby boy and don't wish him away just wish I had a girl too! If I could guarantee a girl would try for another but don't think that's a good enough reason to have another child. I am not diappointed with my son-he is an angel. I am just sad not to experience a daughter.

It's not that I want Pink Princess-far from it - I have one brother who I'm not close to for various reasons and have been let down by lots of men (not dad or DH thank god) I am just a girly girl and have a close relationship with my mum and guess I want the same- do you not think that when a woman has a baby it is her mum she gravitates to? When my boys have kids their wife will share it with her mum - I know it's ridiculous, just don't want to missout on that experience.

I guess I just also feel sad about the stereotype of DH and 2 DS's going to footie etc and me being left behind-my issue not theirs and of course I want them to be happy little boys. Also, as some of you say, they may not just love footie/boy activites.

Thanks for all the positive messages-I know they are all true. I'm by no means depressed, just the opposite but somewhere inside I had bonded with my little girl (who we named!!!) Just goes to show you shouldn't assume just because pregnancy very different/carrying different/smaller etc!!!

Above all - i love both of my sons more than life itself - I suppose that's the most imptoant thing really?

chipmonkey Sat 28-Aug-10 23:28:46

honeymoonmum you are brilliant!

And you can still be a girly-girl without the danger of someone stealing your clothes and make-up!grin

There is a website which deals with GD but I was a bit hesitant to recommend it as people on there can be a bit obsessive about ttc the "right" gender.

But the gender disappointment and rising above GD topics are quite good.

Congratulations!!!!!! by the way.

Boys are a gift!

honeymoonmum Sun 29-Aug-10 15:41:37

Ah thanks Chipmonkey. As I type my beautiful 7 week old is grinning up at me and I know they are just precious!!! Here's to lots of fun and games with the boys! xx

chipmonkey Sun 29-Aug-10 18:16:52

Oh, I do love those gummy grins!


<<<slaps self!>>>

redandyellow Thu 07-Oct-10 22:13:17

I just found out yesterday from my 20 week scan that I am 99 per cent having a baby girl. (I'm aware that this is only my first baby)
However what I was expecting from the scan and hoping for was a baby boy. I was both upset and shocked when I found out and couldn't hide my disappointment from my partner who seemed quite happy with either. Although he had mentioned weeks earlier he would prefer a son so that they could play with his two nephews in the future.
I have read a lot of other forums on the subject of gender disappointment and many of them have infuriated me for the fact that both women and men who have gender disappointment are made to look like selfish and ungrateful brats!
Having grown up with six sisters and one brother (My mother obviously tried for a boy due to cultural and family reasons) I hoped to have a baby boy dare I say it, not only because I have a fondness for them more so than girls but also wanting to please my mother subconsciously.
I am very pleased that my baby girl is healthy so far and that I am also in good health but I want to make it clear that this preference or disappointment is not something people choose to have. For a start it is a horrible state that makes you feel sad and guilty and it does not help if people tell you that you are just being greedy for the fact that you can have a healthy baby. What is wrong with having a dream of what you desire or wanting to please others, we all have ideas of what our lives will be one day.
Not getting what you want can be damaging but we are not hurting anybody by feeling this way but ourselves? I know that when I do have my baby that I will love and care for her as much as if it were a boy but for now please let me suffer in peace without the added guilt trip!!

Violet5 Fri 03-Dec-10 17:18:03

honeymooonmum just a quick one as you've had lots of replies but i just wanted to say that i'm expecting my 6th baby in 11 days time and i'm very close to my MIL. My own mum isn't that into babies but MIL loves them. It's been great because i've talked babies lots with her and if i lived closer i'm sure we'd have shopped lots together too, although she has bought lots for baby herself and swamped us with gifts. I feel very close to my parents in law (my own dad lives v far away).
So you never know whats around the corner, one day you might have a lovely daughter in law and be every bit as involved in her life as you'd hoped you would have been if you'd had a daughter of your own smile
For now though congratulations on your new baby boy smile

Shhhh Thu 06-Jan-11 13:28:18

Can I just say that you shouldn't feel ashamed or sad for how you feel. Inparticular redandyellow & honeymoonmum...

I guess most of us mums to be have an idea of what we would like for a child and there is nothing wrong with that. I know that because I was in the same situation that you both are when I was expecting my ds...

I posted on mn and got lots of advice and I am so grateful for the support of mn then..

I had dd 5 yrs ago, after x2 mc so I was so happy I eventully got my baby. To add to my joy it was the little pink bundle I so wanted. I also had been told when expericing mc's that it may be due to me not being able to carry boys.. so to have a girl made sense.

Imagine my shock when at my 20 wk scan for my 2nd pregnancy I was told that I was carrying a boy.! I really was shocked, upset and had no idea how I would be with a boy. Afterall, Im very girly, had a sister and had no idea what to do with boys blush.

BUT 3 years on and ds is a delighful, active, loving, happy little

He was ill from birth (bowel disorder) and had undergone 3 op's and numerous stays in hospital..I blamed myself, the fact that I was sad when I discovered i was having a boy while pregnant..maybe somehow I had made my destiny..? BUT I have never for a moment regretted ds once born. The moment I gave birth all my fears and worries were lost...

I honestly wouldn't have it any different now. Yeah sure I have one of each which is fab BUT they are completely different children and I guess not stereotypical hmm.
(dd enjoys trains hmm AND pink things and ds loves dressing up as princesses hmm and rolling in the mud..)

Now we get the comments when asked if we want more kids.. "Oh but why, when you have one of each hmm".

My only bug with having ds is the lack of lovely boys clothing..BUT just means dh has to accept more is spent on individual cothing for ds grin.

Good luck with your ds, give youself time. On BTW, I guess what helped me to become content with the idea of a ds... a mner suggested following my 20 weeks scan that I buy a cute boys item of clothing (I bought a "bear" snow suit) and I placed it in my room where I looked at it everyday. It helped

Hope this post makes sense, just wanted to share my experience x

i knew this would be about having a boy

i pity your son. imagine being the child who was "supposed to be a girl"

i think you should have a good think about what you DO have rather than what you don't. I presume you had a baby because you wanted a child, not just because you wanted a daughter?

Shhhh Thu 06-Jan-11 13:36:43

thisisyesterday, thats very harsh.

OP never once said she didn't love her ds.. its an age old thing, mil often tells the story of how dh was meant to be a girl..and my mum was adamant I was a boy BUT it never meant that they loved us any less.

Its the shock and maybe disapointment of having something that is out of your control.

Like thinking the gift under the christmas tree is a pair of louboutins from dh YET when you open it its a pair of slippers wink

yes, but her attitude to him may have big effects on his life

i've seen stories on here before on these threads from people who have been very much affected by not being the "right" gender

sorry, but these threads are ALWAYS about boys and it pisses me off. why are boys so unwanted? it's just weird and bizarre.

the op has a lovely baby, she claims to adore. so why all the moaning about what she doesn't ahve?

Shhhh Thu 06-Jan-11 13:43:45

Ever heard of hormones as well..?

Have you read my post by any chance..? I felt similar before I had ds BUT in no way has ds been affected by the fact that I wanted a girl..? I now know that with me it was fear of the unknown and what I thought I wanted.
Ds is nearly 4 and I love him the same as dd. I wouldn't have things any different.

BUT I guess when I was pregnant I was hormonal and felt it was a drastic thing.

BTW, you can't change how people feel and that fact that you say these threads are "always" about boys. Maybe society as a whole has a lot to be blamed for..?

btw,who have you read about on here who was affected by not being the right gender..? Im not aware of any stories..?

can't remember names off the top of my head, but several of these threads have had people come on and say that they were affected by it

you say you felt the same before you had your baby. presumably then once you had him you were besotted and less/not worried about it?

the OP has her baby. I think she needs to stop thinking about what she might have had, and start enjoying what she DOES have.

harsh? maybe I am. but it makes me so sad when i read yet another "oh i'm so sad i've had/am having a boy"
what is SO bad about boys that it upsets so many women? sorry, but it's just wrong.

Shhhh Thu 06-Jan-11 14:47:10

yes,once I had ds my whole thoughts and feelings changed and I couldn't believe I had even had any doubts.

BUT the difference between myself and the OP is that I found out I was having a boy at my 20 week scan so I had another 20 weeks to get my head around it all..

Maybe it may take the op a similar length of time, as well as the fact she will have lots of different feelings from hormones etc.

Yes, I agree, she does need to focus on what she does have and I felt exactly the same when I found ds was ill at 3 days old. I felt terrible guilt that while I was worrying about having a boy, my little boy was growing and yet to face a undecided future iykwim.
BUT time will help her.

I guess, unless you haven't experienced it its hard to know.

Like I said, I think society has a lot to be blamed for.. IMO everything is geared up not just for girls BUT women.Lovely clothes, toys, you whatch films and the women are pretty, princess falls in love etc.

Having one of each sex I can easily see that, I can buy dd a gorgeous outfit at asda or next YET with ds I have to hunt and usually end up buying from the internet or designer stores for him...

Not making much sense I don't think blush apologies...!

Altheia Thu 06-Jan-11 15:11:51

What a shame that the OP has asked for posters to share similar experiences only for the odd person to attack her instead.

Honeymoonmum, I would give you lots of hugs if I could because I know where you are coming from and yes, I felt robbed too. I didn't even want children - DH wanted them so I said one and then we would see how it goes. From that point on, I wanted a boy and never a girl. This is because I have a non-existent relationship with my mother and I always got on with my father and men generally. My reason for not wanting children was because of my poor and very unhappy childhood. I found out at my 20 week scan that I was having a girl and I was upset. I had an awful labour and I never bonded with her for a week or so. She is three and a half now and she's wonderful and I had lovely times with her as a baby. I thought it was God's way of proving to me that I can have a really good mother/daughter relationship so I got stuck in.

Second pregnancy - DH wanted another! I had a 20 week scan - another girl. I was very upset this time and got depressed but received some help to come to terms with it. I know DH would have loved to have one of each and he was also disappointed another girl was on the way. By the time she was due to arrive, I had a fantastic water birth at home and bonded with her instantly. She is two now. My girls are so different in personalities but they are lovely and I couldn't imagine not having either of them.

I am on my third pregnancy and yes, it is one final attempt for the elusive boy and if we have a girl, then we have a girl. She will be loved as much as the other two. I don't think it is wrong to try for our last baby in the hope of balancing out the family. What is most important is that the children are all loved.

I grew up knowing my father wanted a boy. He took on my mother who had a girl from a different relationship and shortly after, I came along. My brother came along two years later and he was favoured very much. I am close to my father now - he is proud of me and what I have achieved. I know he loves me, despite me not being the boy he had hoped to have. You may say, that's because he got his boy, but I knew he was spoilt and favoured, yet my father and I remain close. My mother, on the other hand, had me up for adoption before I was even born!

My DH was the third boy - an age gap of 8 years between him and the middle boy. It was no secret to him that he was meant to be a girl but he is fine about it.

A really bad case of gender problems for a child - A friend of mine, her mother's first born was a boy when she desperately wanted a girl. She dressed him as a girl. He had a unisex name. He must be in his late 40s now - still living at home, a bundle of nerves and from what I know, hasn't had a meaningful relationship. The mother went on to have three girls afterwards.......

Another person I know had the girl she so wanted after having two boys - she said she would have carried on forever until she got her girl. Her two boys are lovely balanced boys and her girl, ironically, is very tom-boyish and loves all the sports - she is not very girly at all. We both laugh at this now!

So you should not find yourself alone in how you feel. It is not wrong to feel like you do and as you have said in your posts, you adore your son. You have the right attitude because ultimately, he is going to be loved just as much as his brother. Lots of luck and good wishes to you.

Shhhh Thu 06-Jan-11 15:56:05

altheia, what a lovely post smile. Totally well put.

muddyangels123 Thu 06-Jan-11 16:22:12

I had two boys first and to be honest i wished my second child was a girl.
When i had my third baby we didn't want to find out what sex, as i wanted to enjoy the pregnancy and not be upset if they told me it was another boy.
The day of the birth was funny as we had our DD ( i still thought it was another boy) all the OH could say was, she has no go-nads.
Now nearly 9 years later my DD is more of a boy than ds2. Give her a tree to climb anyday.
And boys defo love their Mummy's more, girls are so independant.

you're right Shhh, society does have a lot to answer for, but I don't think it's entirely to blame

and yes, maybe it's one of those things that you can't fully understand unless you've experienced it. I guess I literally cannot comprehend the desire for a specific sex being that strong.
I mean, I got pregnant because I wanted a child. I think it's fairly irresponsible to get pregnant to get a specific sex... because if you don't and you end up devastated then you DO risk finding it incredibly hard, getting depressed and possibly affecting that child long term

anyone who gets pregnant KNOWS there is a 50/50 chance of having either sex, so I find it pretty hard to get my head round why people get so set on having one or another.

I'd be interested in hearing WHY people want girls so badly. seriously.
what is so awful about having sons?

You know, I come at this as someone with 3 little boys- so it really hurts me to feel that SO many people in the world would prefer girls. what do girls have that boys don't?

is it the stereotypical views? boys are rough and hard work and play football whereas girls sit with their mummy and braid their hair?

really? is that actually motivating you when you think of having a child? cos if so that's wrong on a whole load of levels

Altheia Thu 06-Jan-11 17:35:02

thisisyesterday - have you had a lot of negative comments from people because you have three boys? For example, how much hard work it is or "poor you, having three boys"? Wrong for people to say, I know - I already have the comments about having three girls and the hormones, wait until they are teenagers, etc etc.

I don't think people are wanting girls more than boys. Years ago, people had large families - no-one really thought of gender. Chances are, mixed family would result anyway. These days, money is tight, people have less children and I think a lot of people would like one of each if they had to stop at two, in an ideal world, but would be content to have either sex.

If you read my post, I don't have stereotypical views as to why I preferred to have boys. I've got two chances to do a better job than my mother - that's how I view it - maybe three chances - got to be close to at least one of them throughout teenage years, right? wink

I also heard that boys are more loving as children than girls - can't comment on a personal level obviously but I have seen that in a lot of families I know. I have also heard this:-

A boy is a son until he meets a wife and a girl is a daughter - a daughter for life, meaning girls are closer to their mothers when they leave home. Again, I cannot personally comment.

You hear all sorts of reasons why people would like a certain gender - but I don't think it is a problem unless it is made into one, like my friend's mother and her son - truly awful what she did to him.

When I tried for a family, with my DH's love and support, I knew I wanted a boy but when I was ttc, I was just hoping to get pregnant. I am sure most people are like that. Then, when I was pregnant, of course I was hoping for it to be a boy but I was more looking to get past the first 12 weeks (we lost a few before conceiving our first and had D and Cs and other things). Again, I think most people have this attitude - let's make sure the baby is safe. So when people do start out ttc, I think most people are wanting to get pregnant and have a safe pregnancy and birth as their top priority, as it should be. The gender issue doesn't have to be a big one.

Altheia Thu 06-Jan-11 17:37:37

Shhhh - I just saw your little post in there! Thank you for that kind comment. I hope it helps the OP in some way.

Shhhh Thu 06-Jan-11 17:52:35

thisis,there seems tbh to be mixed posters on this thread wanting both girls and boys so I don't think the views are all "noone wants boys".

I think people or some people should I say have an idea of what sex they would prefer. Its like what flavour ice cream you prefer etc.

I mc yet I wanted a girl... why..? because I wanted a girl to be close to, I have a sister so my only experience was of girls. My mums experience was of boys as brothers (till she was 16 and her sister was born) so I guess I also had mums views throughout life.

I also am very girly and tbh thought a girl would fit me perfectly iykwim.

Maybe people do see the steriotypical views..? I know for a fact that both my dd and ds are hard work but in other ways.

Dd is emotionally hard work and ds is physically hard work grin.

And just to add, when I was tcc yes I did want a girl and yes I was aware that I had a 50/50 chance of a boy v girl but I guess there was a small part of me hoping for a girl...

I guess in this day and age you can buy whatever you want and we get what we want..maybe you hope it would be the same with a baby..BUT someone upstairs has the final decision wink.

I do agree, its a shame BUT I wouldn't feel that the whole of society are against boys. Wrong...

I also didn't want to be a mil to a future dil given all the negative/steriotypical comments wink

Shhhh Thu 06-Jan-11 18:00:18

also, just to add blush
Is it really wrong to wish to have a child of a certain sex knowing that you can participate with them in future activities..?

Obviously I know that its totally different to go down the option of requesting a certain sex with IVF etc BUT I guess I also had visions of joining dd at dancing classes or going having our nails done.. Not watching football etc !

BUT I now know (since having ds) that I would participate in anything with my dk's... I just have a preference to what I would enjoy doing grin

If I was a colour=Pink (imagine that on a playing field!)

Yes. I constantly get bombarded with "so... going to try for a girl then?" as if it's something i ouhght to aspire to.
"you'be got your hands full", "wow, 3 boys, rather you than me" etc etc etc
also the gem "i guess you like boys then"

you say:

"I also heard that boys are more loving as children than girls - can't comment on a personal level obviously but I have seen that in a lot of families I know. I have also heard this:-

A boy is a son until he meets a wife and a girl is a daughter - a daughter for life, meaning girls are closer to their mothers when they leave home. Again, I cannot personally comment."

those ARE stereotypes!!!!
I just think that if I found I was pregnant and i wanted a specific sex I would also be aware that there was only a 50% chance of getting it.
As such i would very much try not to allow myself to get too into thinking about names, clothes, what it would be like in case i was disappointed. do you see what I mean?

Shhh I think the ones wanting boys are in a minority though aren't they?
also, if you do a search for these threads you will find the overwhelming majority are "anti-boy" (for want of a better phrase)

I guess personally i see them as "children" rather than boys? I am not sure about the doing stuff with them because how do you know your daughter will be into ballet and shopping etc and not football?

so no, i don't think you can base your preference on a desire to do specific activities with them when they're older grin

I can actually understand having a slight preference on sex (no, really, I can) I just can't understand the real depression over it, the devastation, the feeling "robbed"

does that make any sense? It just seems like such an extreme reaction when you have just had the baby you wanted...

Shhhh Thu 06-Jan-11 18:57:16

I totally agree that "your daughter may not be into ballet" and you son " may not be into football" and I guess that was what I was trying to say before..

That prior to kids I wanted a girl as I wanted to do girly stuff YET when dd arrived and years down the line I can the pro's and con's of having a dd the same as I can see with having a ds..grin.

Both mine haven't turned out liking exactly what I expected all those years ago!

BUT, what you need to take into account is that everyone is different and that these thoughts are being made by either pregnant or post natal women.. hormonal

Not the best of times to try and make rational thoughts !

But I empthasise with the OP and wanted to make her aware that she isn't alone (as you stated, there are various thereads on mn over it..) and that she shouldn't beat herself up over it.

Also, I had PND and depression while expecting ds so I do blame this for some of my thoughts and feelings. Maybe otehrs in a similar situation feel the same.?

I do feel its a shame though that people feel the need to make those comments BUT possibly they are being made to make conversaion or because they don't really know how to approach you having all boys..?

I guess we all experience some kind of negative comments whether we have one of each sex or all of one sex... Just the daft comments maybe we are all guilty of making at sometime..?

Like I said, people look at me cross eyed when I discuss having a 3rd.. becuase having a boy and a girl should end my desire for more kids..? not the fact that I want another one..?!!! lol

Altheia Thu 06-Jan-11 19:54:48

THISISYESTERDAY - well that's sad that you get such negative comments. Maybe it's made you defensive a bit? If I had three girls and got those comments, I would be defensive a bit - stick up for them and point out the positives.

There are "stereotypes", but there are also people out there with real experiences, which is why I can't comment personally, not having had any. I have heard most people with mixed families say that boys are difficult when they are younger and girls are difficult when they are older - down purely to sex and nature I guess - boys liking to rush around and girls getting all hormonal BUT that doesn't mean to say boys don't suffer testosterone overload or girls don't like climbing trees! These people that have made their comments to me have based it on their experiences bringing up their children - that's good enough for me. And to be clear, some have said they didn't really notice a difference between them and they just have different personalities.

I know what you mean about not being disappointed over having a different sex and preparing yourself for it. After my first DD, I kept all her clothes for the second came along very quickly and I thought, better keep them just in case but also thinking, if I had got rid of them bound to be a girl but if I keep them, might be a chance it's a boy. Opposite psychology - amazing the tricks of the mind heh?!! grin

I can understand the real depression over it. Some people, because of their upbringings, are dead scared of having a certain sex - that's what put me off of having children and then when I found out it was a girl, I felt God didn't understand me; I felt totally out of my depth - what was I going to do with a girl; what if it all went wrong; history repeating itself (it never would to what happened to me but I don't want "just making do"; I want the proper mother/daughter close relationship if you see what I mean). If I had a boy, I knew that I would manage so much better. Time goes by and I see God had put faith in my abilities as a mother - so much so, he gave me two girls grin but I will never stop hoping for a boy. This time, because I want to experience bringing up a boy. I am sure if I had a boy first and my DH said to go for another, I wouldn't have been so scared about having a girl (but it's fair to say I only know that now having had girls).

Maybe "robbed" is an emotive word but I get what the OP means. I am trying to see her bigger picture, outside the box as well as in it. People are not always good at expressing themselves.

SHHHH - I'd be guilty of one of those people smile. I guess I think it because, to me, it's perfect having one of each and there are so many other factors with families now - money, little time, stressed with work - all that sort of thing. I know if I had one of each, we wouldn't be going for a third because of those factors and I am trying for one last baby because I want a boy BUT, we looked at everything else too - taking into account that obviously, there is a good chance it could be a girl. We'e moving to reduce our mortgage to assist finances. And yes, I've kept all the clothes so they may be used third time around! I know families that have had one of each and still want another, just like you. Some want a preference for one sex for the third only because of their experiences with the two they already have. I also know lots of families that have two of one sex and are trying for another to balance out the family with the other sex.

SoupDragon Thu 06-Jan-11 20:03:41

"Yes. I constantly get bombarded with "so... going to try for a girl then?" as if it's something i ouhght to aspire to."

I think you'll find that mothers with girl gangs get bombarded with "So, going to try for a boy then?" too.

It has nothing to do with the actual sex of the child and everything to do with getting the "missing" one.

Altheia Thu 06-Jan-11 20:04:28

Oh and I forgot to add, my own father has been very rude and insensitive about my children being girls. He wants grandsons. He is not blood relative of my half sister and he doesn't see her anyway (she has 3 girls, 2 boys!) and my brother has one girl and that's all he's having. I have been sure to put my father in his place about his comments and for him not to say them to me and said he would never see the girls if he made such insensitive comments to them or in front of them. I was very proud of myself! Since then, he's been lovely with them and very complimentary - to me and to family friends, so that's good.

My FIL wants a grandson too. He can't understand why DH is not giving him grandsons when he is one of three sons hmm.

And I thought I badly wanted a boy! grin

SoupDragon Thu 06-Jan-11 20:04:31

As an aside, the OP is from August so it's a bit of a Zombie thread.

Altheia Thu 06-Jan-11 20:12:40

SoupDragon - I totally agree. Those types of comments are relevant to whether it's all boys or all girls and it is about getting the "missing" one - that's how they see it. I expect for some people, that is exactly it too.

I'm getting that now and I don't even know the sex of the third one - it's as if I've got three girls already, although one put a positive spin on it - "you wouldn't know what to do with a boy anyway so at least you won't be out of your comfort zone....."!!

My closest friends, who know my background, my family, my insecurities - are very supportive of me and have never ever said a bad word to me about wanting a boy but have been so encouraging about how I've done so well with the girls - even before a third one was on the cards. It's nice that people understand me because I do also know that I am blessed to have healthy children in the first place - that is never far from my mind. Can't help the way I feel - I do try to rationalise it though and do my best.

Altheia Thu 06-Jan-11 20:14:17

Maybe OP is still reading but doesn't want to actively participate or is finding it difficult to.

yep, I probably am a bit defensive because it does seem (to me) that boys are kind of vilified a bit. that's maybe a too strong word to use, but every time i read one of these i just think "what's wrong with boys?" it makes me kind of sad

soupdragon absolutely, it's everything to do with the "missing" one. I agree. I just seem to only ever see threads like this about boys. Other posters have said the same too, so i don't think it's just me, although maybe i notice them more because it's sensitive for me?

Altheia Thu 06-Jan-11 21:10:14

THISISYESTERDAY - I think you are right that you notice them more because it is sensitive to you. Heh, I'm for the blue team - always have been but not for the "average" kind of reasons, I admit. I love my girls to bits and I think what a limited choice of clothes I am faced with if I have a boy! I could be wrong - just that I am so used to so many different colours, combinations, do the dress, skirt thing as well as the trousers.

In some cultures - the girls are vilified and that's for real, isn't it? I mean, really vilified. I had read somewhere under China's policy of one child per family, there were lots of back street abortions once it was found out that the mother was having a girl - really awful. There are lots of cultures where females are still second class citizens.

When I was pregnant with my first, in my NCT class of 9, 6 were hoping for boys. One woman only wanted boys because she wanted to be the only female in the family - the matriarch (sp?). So I hope it helps you that there are plenty out there who do want boys. I am new to this website so I am not sure what the general consensus is - you seem to think people are more anti-boys than girls and there may be various reasons for that, one of which is because of your own experience of having three boys and people's comments towards you. Anyway, mother nature seems to have things under control - I read somewhere 49% girls, 51% boys. smile

yeah i saw an awful picture once of a baby girl just lying dead in the street in China, because of course the parents all want a boy

and now don't they have the situation where there are farrrr more boys than girls, so much so that actually there aren't enough girls for the boys to marry and girls get kidnapped and all sorts

it's desperately sad

Altheia Thu 06-Jan-11 21:45:06

Yes, I think that's true - they have too many boys. Maybe they didn't see this coming when they introduced their one policy.

I've seen in the UK a hint towards "stop at two" - a campaign that seems to be wanting to get off the ground. Apparently, we have too many here now as well..... hmm

well i have decided to "offset" mine like you can do with carbon :-D

all you need is some childless friends

Shhhh Fri 07-Jan-11 12:15:32

Soupdragon, not necessarily a zombie thread. OP may be reading as noted above BUT imo its also helpful to others who may be in a similar situation days/weeks/month/years down the line...

Nothing worse than searching for a topic only to find half fisnihsed threads grin.

LOL at "stop at 2" campaign within the uk. Can you imagine ! Makes me laugh that most families the last 20/25 years or so had 1-2 kids and now people are looking at having more than the 1-2 kids... YET what was it like 50/60 years ago..? most families had 4 upwards.. my nana had 6 ! nothing was said years ago..hmm

SoupDragon Fri 07-Jan-11 12:24:48

What I mean is that it has been brought back from the dead (twice as it happens )

Shhhh Fri 07-Jan-11 12:37:13

Must mean people want to discuss it.

Im also impressed that although this thread is split between those that want a certain sex to those that don't ... it appears to be bun fight free grin.

SoupDragon Fri 07-Jan-11 14:47:36

I've posted my tale on many other versions of this thread. It crops up fairly regularly

Altheia Fri 07-Jan-11 16:03:22

My Nan had seven! One of my Aunty's had four in the 70s. Years ago, when my Nan was having children, I don't think immigration was high then at all - maybe we weren't overcrowded and that's why nothing was said. After the war, the brought in Child Benefit (Family Allowance) as an incentive for people to have children. Years go by and things change I guess. I have felt pressure from people (not people I know well) to just have two.

FirstTimeMummy2Be Mon 17-Jan-11 16:54:48

Message deleted

readytobeamum Wed 19-Jan-11 19:38:23

This is something that concerns me as I am desperate for a girl! Definitely don't beat yourself up about it. You aren't a terrible mum, as you can see from the post many women feel the same. There was a programme about this recently on channel 4. It is still on 4oD why not check it out and see how other women cope/or don't cope!

naturalbaby Tue 01-Feb-11 11:45:14

I had ds3 a few days ago and thought he would be a girl but i think i knew deep down i would have 3 boys. I've already had my first 'going to try for a girl?' comment. I know plenty of families with 3 or more children of the same gender so feel normal in a way.

i just don't want people to feel sorry for ds3 and think that we only had a 3rd child because we wanted a girl. if anything it's other people's reactions that is making it harder. i feel like people think parents with 2 same sex children have another child to try for the 'other' gender rather than because they just want a bigger family.

BabyMaking2011 Fri 11-Feb-11 13:40:45

i havent started my family yet, but i know that if i never had a girl i would have a little deep down sadness at the things i feel i might miss out on. justified or otherwise, thats how i feel. things like the ralationship you have, familiar girls clothes/toys/activities, weddings & grandchildren (which generally seem to be more intimate for the mother of the bride/maternal grandmother) the way daughters seem to look out for their parents in a way sons maybe are less aware of etc etc of course these things arent really set in gender but feelings dont have to be rational. I know i would love a boy child to the ends of the earth, but i still hope i have a girl too.

BeatriceLaBranche Fri 11-Feb-11 14:56:37

Well I have genius tendencies <brushes medal> as I have DS and DD2 (DD1 died at 2, so all anyone sees is DS and DD2).

I apparently don't have to have anymore children because I have the "perfect" family. A gentleman's family so I am told. (bullshit)

My DSIS on the other hand has DD (severely disabled) and then three DS, she is constantly being encouraged to go for the elusive (nt, healthy) girl.

Make of that what you will. I'm not sure you can every please other people.

BeatriceLaBranche Fri 11-Feb-11 15:26:40

<pssst, I was joking about the medal>

G1nger Tue 22-Mar-11 16:02:37

Oh children don't have to get damaged by this kind of thing. I'm the fourth daughter of my parents' attempts to produce a son for my dad, and there was a running joke in the family about this. It didn't affect me at all.

I really do want a daughter, too - and I hope that one of my two children will be female. I found out about "nub theory" yesterday and now think that perhaps my first child could be a boy on its basis. Of course, it could go either way. And I'm very excited about maybe producing a little boy "like my partner". Someone to make someone like me very happy too one day

I think it's good that we allow eachother to share their secrets on here and give everyone that little outlet. We shouldn't judge anyone for it. We're all just being honest in this "safe" place.

Maya6 Fri 26-Aug-11 21:14:37

Hiya. I have had similar feelings would love a girl but know that I will love either and just want a healthy baby

just read this - surely the 'bias against boys' is because mn is a predominantly female site and parents often gravitate towards one of their own sex. In real life, I hear far more about men wanting a boy so they can prove how macho their sperm is share their bonding experiences.

I'm ttc and I know I want a girl. Mainly so I can dress her in non-pink, buy her a football and a science kit and praise her intelligence and wit. I expect if I do get a girl, she'll turn into a Jordan wannabe, just to serve me right. But we cannot help what we wish for.

SheCutOffTheirTails Wed 14-Sep-11 01:36:59

I find gender preference a weird one - when I first got pregnant I had no preference, and never had had, but during that pregnancy I came to really, really want a girl.

It was weird, and I don't know where it came from, but there it was - a strong desire for a girl that reason and logic couldn't shake. I had a girl.

Second time around I had no real preference for most of the pregnancy. Mostly imagined it was another girl, but would have been quite happy either way. In the last few weeks I became convinced I was having a boy, to the point that I did have a fleeting moment's confusion (and a little disappointment) that it was another girl.

I hope to have a 3rd, and for the first time I care in advance. I'd be delighted with another girl, but god I'd love to have a son.

I buy into all the "you're having a person", dislike gender stereotyping, but I care about this far more than I'm willing to own in real life.

OP - having two the same is great, you'll love it smile

Thumbwitch Wed 14-Sep-11 02:10:55

Wonder why this thread keeps being resurrected?

SheCutOffTheirTails Wed 14-Sep-11 02:24:12

Shit, didn't even notice.

iloveberries Fri 07-Oct-11 14:07:38

hey honeymoon mum congrats on your lovely boy.

firstly you have nothing to feel guilty about, you cannot help the way you feel and you are doing totally the right thing talking about it rather than bottling it up. You sound besotted with your boys anyway so i think some of the catty posts are totally uncalled for.

i think sleeping so well gave great advice about examining what you want in a girl that a boy can't give is spot on.

i have a DS and have wondered "will i be the grandma who's frozen out?" BUT that is way inthe future and i know LOTS of my girlfriends who get on better with their MILs than their own mums so really if it's a boy or a girl it doesn't guarantee everything,

good luck smile

lovechoc Thu 20-Oct-11 13:46:17

probably keeps being updated thread because it's a topic many women feel they want to discuss when it's affecting them.

Hormonalhell Tue 04-Dec-12 18:17:49

I really wanted a girl but I found out at scan was a boy, was initially disappointed but now I'm almost due to have him and I'm glad he's a boy. Feel like I've bonded with him smile

That's why sometimes good idea to find out the sex

givemeaclue Tue 04-Dec-12 18:19:35

Find this an awfully sad and horridthread.

qumquat Wed 05-Dec-12 19:42:56

I think a lot of gender dissapointment can come from gender stereotyping. The gender of your child tells you nothing about what they will be like or what kinds of activities they will enjoy. It tells you nothing about the kind of bond they will have with either parent or siblings. All it tells you is whether they will have the ability to give birth or not.

Babyh200 Sat 08-Dec-12 10:51:51

Give me a clue: I couldn't agree more. My beautiful boy was born asleep in July of this year 5 days before my due date. Instead of being disappointed these women should be grateful they have a LIVE baby. Come into my world for a second and picture our nursery and getting to the final week of your pregnancy with everything ready for a BABY. I didn't find out the sex like so many, I just wanted a live, healthy baby. My little girl cries herself to sleep each night and says this is going to be the worst Christmas ever.........COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS that's what I say!!!

fortyplus Sat 08-Dec-12 10:56:02

The OP's baby is two now so hopefully she has no regrets about her beautiful son.
Babyh200 you sum it up for me - so sorry about your loss. sad

Babyh200 Sat 08-Dec-12 11:05:49

Thanx FORTY PLUS......although I'm heartbroken there are 2 sides to every coin......some of the mums who are unfortunately part of 'a sad club no one wants to be in' have no children at all xxxx

StrawberriesTasteLikeLipsDo Sat 08-Dec-12 13:42:33

Not me personally but we had a sexing scan with this DC, and DP was disappointed. (Another DS)

I was thrilled as I cant imagine having a girl, I cant say id of been disappointed though, as I'm just grateful to be pregnant again (fertility issues)

shoobidoo Sun 16-Dec-12 07:44:30

I've not read all the posts but just wanted to say that a lot of families would like to have the experience of raising both a male and a female.
That is not so say they are not grateful to have a baby, only that the experiences of raising boys and girls can be different and most families would prefer to share both.

pinkandyellowbutterfly Thu 27-Dec-12 23:48:06

Congratulations on the birth of your son! Be gentle with yourself - having a baby is such a complex experience, and you're allowed to have all kinds of feelings about it. Congratulate yourself, you have just given birth and above all, enjoy enjoy enjoy your children :-)

Harrysmummysarah1 Sat 12-Jan-13 20:14:23

I had two girls then a boy..
I was one of three girls and we get along wonderfully and wanted nothing more than my daughters to expierence that as well
But now i couldn't imagine my 3rd being a girl his a delight... Most of the time...

honey86 Sat 09-Feb-13 21:22:03

i was like that when i had my 2nd son, i was depressed... we hardly bonded.... but then i went on to have a girl whos nearly school age now x

Hyperhelpmum Wed 01-May-13 19:50:18

How funny this is still going! I am OP! I do adore my sons and in fact am pregnant again and could not care less what I have! I always thought I wanted a girl but now as a seasoned mother of two I am over the moon with my children who are total individuals and, the thing I had not experienced when they were 2 and newborn (they are now nearly three and five) they are amazing, loving people. When you have babies you can't imagine the people they will be. Once they are people, gender is irrelevant. They are unique personalities and if I have a third boy, I will look forward to seeing his personality develop as he grows. Once you have a relationship with your child, it does not matter one bit what gender they are. So speaks the voice of experience!

Jenijena Wed 01-May-13 19:59:44

I didn't know, because I knew if I had a boy I would be disappointed; that DH would be even more disappointed. I'm from two girls, the brother relationships I see (DH & BIL, Dad & uncle) are dysfunctional, and because mums of boys are a bit... odd as mil. grossly unfair generalisation based on personal anecdotes

A second at birth of 'oh - a willy' and now I adore being a mum of a boy, I'm thrilled for other people when they have boys, and I don't care a jot.

But #2... If, when that happens... I know DH wants that girl, but I've reconciled myself to being a mother of boys I'm going to be the mil in the future and would I try for a third?

amazingmumof6 Sat 01-Jun-13 17:45:37

sorry you feels this way.
when DS3 was born I was feeling disappointed for about 3 days as in the very last week of pg I was really hoping to have girl.
then we agreed on his name and everything fell into place and our third baby boy properly arrived.
I did wonder afterwards why I ever felt disappointed! smile

during 4th pg all I knew that if it's a boy he should be called Noah, which is what happened!
I did not wish for a boy or a girl.

then had MC, a girl.

next pg I was convinced we'd have a girl, but I wasn't hoping for one. I just "knew" it.
this was the only pg we found out the gender and utterly pissed ourselves laughing when we were told it's another boy . couldn't believe it!
had to call him Isaac...

then with last baby I thought we are more likely to have a boy and that maybe I can't carry girls.
6 boys would have been wonderful.
but DH kept on saying he had a feeling this one would be a girl and he was right!
Biggest surprise ever!

now a lot of people assume we "kept on going till we had a girl" which is ridiculous and insulting. you can't win

if you feel a bit unhappy that is understandable, some people feel disappointed about how the birth went down etc.
or bad choices or bad luck in general.
you can grieve for the little girl you now will never have, but and your crazy afterbirth hormones are not going to be helpful right now,
BUT JUST YOU WAIT until he first smiles at you!
you will fall in love with him for who he is, I guarantee that! smile
give yourself time and congratulations!

Amy106 Sat 01-Jun-13 22:16:00

I had a similar experience. Thought we were having a girl, but ended up with a boy. You feel surprised, maybe disappointed at's only natural. But boys are truly wonderful and I am sure glad we have ds. I know you will love having two little guys in your life. Just give yourself some time to adjust to the change.

Scoutish Wed 16-Oct-13 08:20:23

What an absolutely great way of looking at this not so big problem!! Like u I think that they are little pe

Scoutish Wed 16-Oct-13 08:22:26

Sorry getting used to a new phone.
Like u I think babies are little people who create there own destinies what ever their gender.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now