Loss, love and lack of support

(75 Posts)
Mojito100 Thu 06-Feb-14 13:56:54

I'm not sure truly where this post should go. It was the anniversary of my daughters passing last week. She has been gone 5 long years which is now longer than she graced me with her presence. It is her birthday next week and as others in this forum would understand I get up and go on each day but underneath I am dead and purely executing the emotions expected if me. I have cried and cried until I think there are no more tears until the next bout come. I madly love my two DS's yet one has such significant behavioural problems I feel completely alone and unsupported. I am a sole parent and the kids have no acces to their father. My family are great but don't understand my ds or all that I try to do to help him. The school do their best yet have an archaic mindset. I needed to vent and didn't know where else to go. It's one of those times I feel so helpless and just want someone to help carry this burden. How do you help those you love to breaking point and love those you have lost so tragically. I know I will get up tomorrow and put on the mask yet how do I go on now when I can't stop the flood of feelings.

EloiseintheSun Thu 06-Feb-14 22:40:18

Oh Mojito - your post has moved me so much. Thinking of you and your family and, of course, of your darling DD.

The clarity of your emotions and feelings shines through your post.

You have infinite love for your DSs and your DD - and, it's true, that can hurt. I remember my dad telling me that he loved his children 'so much that it hurts'. But that's what we do and we do it well. Love our children with all our hearts even when our hearts are at breaking point. In our turn, to replenish us, we need to be cared for. You sound as though you having a loving family. Do you also have support from outside your family? Is there some untapped professional support that you could access to help you, for example, with your DS who has behavioural problems?

Wrap a cloak of love and comfort around yourself and get as much support as you need. Five years is no time at all. Be very, very patient with and kind to yourself.

You probably know Compassionate Friends?

www.tcf.org.uk

In my thoughts - take care. xx

Mojito100 Fri 07-Feb-14 14:16:51

Thank you Eloise. I do have a lot of support and see a psych it's just one if those times in life when you are so overwhelmed you feel completely bereft and drowning under the avalanche of all the different emotions. Being able to write on here helps enormously and your post was just what I needed to keep going forward. Thank you b

EloiseintheSun Sat 08-Feb-14 19:03:18

How are you, Mojito? I hope that the avalanche of emotions that you write so clearly about is receding - bit by bit. And that you'll be able to celebrate your dear daughter's birthday this coming week without feeling overwhelmed by grief. I know, and many of us here know, what you mean when you talk about putting on a mask and getting on with the day in spite of deep sadness within. Sometimes I find the getting on with it helps though.

I was at work the other day, a sudden sadness overcame me and I cried (as it happened no-one noticed, such is the layout of my office) but I was quite glad to be somewhere where life just sort of plods on.

I'm very glad you have support and hope that it's helping to hold you up right now -

Re your DS with behavioural issues - I guess you've looked at some other MN forum topics? Some have been hugely helpful for me - practical advice, encouragement, affirmation -

Take good care of yourself.

Mojito100 Sun 09-Feb-14 14:23:43

Thanks Eloise. I think the avalanche for this month is starting to pass. I'm going to head off to the cemetery on my own on her birthday and sit on the memorial seat I have there. This time of the year is always the worst and those days of feeling helpless become so much harder to bear. I also had tears at work on Friday and get what you mean. I have been reading the other chats re behavioural problems and taking on board all the different strategies offered. With the loss of DD at this time I feel like I am failing DS. Logic says I'm not but that fear mothers have for their children and that overwhelming love which makes you want the best for them can take hold and block out the logic. I had a classic conversation with my dad today. He's of the older generation, highly opinionated and knows everything! His view is that I need to be considering everyone else impacted by DS behaviour and DS needs to stop. I am highly considerate of others which is why I agree to behavioural plan at school which is of no benefit to DS but of benefit to others and he has absolutely no idea that DS doesn't want to behave like this he can't help it. That's when I feel unsupported as I am the only advocate for DS. I just wish I could make it all better fir him. Thanks again for listening.

EloiseintheSun Fri 21-Feb-14 20:37:56

Mojito - you OK? How did you get on on your DD's birthday?

Your dad is, as you infer, who he is. Little by little he may pick up the reality of your situation. I do hope so because support from such a close family member would be invaluable.

Thinking of your DS - is there a county wide service (or a national one) that could offer more or less objective advice about the plan that the school has imposed? You mention the word 'advocate'. Is there an advocacy service for parents? I remember years ago something of that kind within our LEA. Have you thought of posting under Education on MN?

By the way, you certainly are not failing. A loving, resourceful, bright, courageous mother. How could you be failing your DS?

Courage, Mogito - and try to do something extra special for yourself this weekend.

Mojito100 Sat 22-Feb-14 14:12:05

Thanks Eloise for your kind words and thoughts. Unfortunately I'm not in the UK and where I am we don't seem to have the same support structures you do. I got through DDs birthday but did fall in a bit of hole afterwards. I think that's what happens when you hold if together. DS seems to be going well at the moment although I don't want to speak too soon. I have been giving him melatonin which was recommended to help him sleep and I think it is making a huge difference. He is such an anxious kid it is almost like he sleeps with one eye open. Now he is rested things are coming together. I did post on the MM boards about kids with disabilities and had amazing feedback to read the book the explosive child. I feel like this book was written about my DS it is so apt. I'm adopting the strategies in the book and have spoken at length to the school and teacher and also given them a copy of the book. Fingers crossed it goes well. In relation to DD I miss her every day but the three months each side of Christmas are always the worst.

Katkins1 Sat 22-Feb-14 14:19:32

How are you feeling, Mojitio? I hope things are getting better a little for you. Thoughts.

Mojito100 Mon 24-Feb-14 11:01:36

Thanks Kat. I'm not in the depths of despair like I was but still miss my DD every single minute. There is pleasure and pain in thinking about her but I wouldn't ever not. So far DS has had a good two weeks at school so fingers crossed that continues. His behavioural issues always abound at the same time as DDs birthday and anniversary of her passing. Not much I can do about the timing though.

LilyTheSavage Wed 05-Mar-14 17:23:06

Hi Mojito. I know you've messaged me before and we've corresponded on other threads but this is the first time I've found your thread. I'm so sorry about your DD and do completely understand your loss. Things are obviously very difficult and complicated for you. Do you have friends who can help you, and just look after you a bit? You're so busy looking after your DSs that you forget to look after you and be kind to you.

Pleasure and pain every day.... you're so right. The actress in us is winning Oscars every day.

I hope today was ok.

Mojito100 Thu 06-Mar-14 07:37:00

Lily, thanks for writing. My youngest DS has had a good few weeks at school, however, it all went to pot today. I am looking on the positive side that he has had such a good few weeks and I know he will go backwards every now and then but it is hard not to feel like a crappy mum when it does go to pot. I met up with my psych yesterday as I cant seem to shift these feelings at the moment. I think I'm in for a rocky road ahead as I need to work through so much stuff in relation to the loss of my DD, changing myself personally and learning what else I can do to support my DS's. I think you will hear from me a lot as I am going to find it quite confronting.

I have processed the practicalities of losing my DD but not the emotions and I think it is time to start on that path otherwise I will forever stay in this never ending cycle that occurs each month.

I'll write a bit more later as it is school pick up time for me.

Mojito100 Thu 06-Mar-14 09:06:54

I've done school pick up, dinner is underway and I have a minute to myself so thought I would give you a bit more of an update. DS decided to have a meltdown at school today having not had one for a few weeks. Throwing scissors and other atrocious behaviour that puts others at risk. It's not acceptable and I fully support the school telling me he can't go in tomorrow. He won't talk to me about it at the moment but that is one I will tackle later using some strategies I have gathered from other Mumsnetters.

In relation to my DD I spoke to the psych this week and said I have to get off this cycle. Every month I go through the same emotions and I don't want to keep doing that. I can't ever stop thinking about her and don't want to but I have to stop hiding from all the horrendous thoughts I bottle up about how she passed away. I have to find what little peace I can in such a terrible situation.

The reason I find it hard with DS and DD is I feel I failed my DD and therefore DS's problems also make me feel like a failure. I can rationalise with the best of you out there but knowing something logically does not necessarily mean your feelings are in sync. I can't bring my DD back but would do anything to make this happen.

I have some wonderful friends but I don't feel comfortable talking about this with them. It's stupid but being strong is important to me and the only true way I have managed this far is by holding it in. Having found mumsnet again I think this is a forum that can help. You understand what this journey is like as you walk the path yourselves. You offer advice and support from actual experience and you also offer an ear knowing there are times when saying nothing is also just as valuable. It is difficult for friends to truly know what to do or say when they haven't experienced this gut wrenching emotion and have the dreams and nightmares we do. How do you ever get past the emptiness inside and the longing to bring someone back who you can't.

The motto of this story is "life is shit " and sometimes it just doesn't get better. I'll make the most of it though and do everything I can for my boys. It's their right to have a life equal to that of someone not impacted by such a terrible tragedy.

Thanks all for listening.

LilyTheSavage Thu 06-Mar-14 09:35:43

Hi mojito. I'm so sorry your DS had a bad day. How old is he? How old is your other DS? Does he have additional support at school? Excluding him is all very well, but it does mean that you're left to pick up the pieces today. Is there somebody you can talk to at school about getting help to manage his behaviour.

I know you're seeing a psych but have you seen your doctor and thought about taking anti-depressants to help you to function and get through this bad patch? I am taking ADs and it's just taking the edge of things and I can manage a bit better. It'd not for ever, just a few months.

I don't think you've failed anybody at all, but you're right about synchronising logic and feelings. It doesn't work like that does it. Sometimes things in your head are too terrible to share with people you care about as you don't want them to have the same images/thoughts as you. That's why I went for counselling. I think MN also helps.

Hope you have a good day. (sending you a very un-mumsnet hug xx)

Mojito100 Thu 06-Mar-14 10:07:08

Thanks lily, I hope you also have a good day. I've just started on St. John's wort so will give that a go and if it doesn't work move to anti-d's I think that is what I probably need.

School are good with ds2 who has just turned 8 but is emotionally so much younger. Ds1 is a 12 year old little soldier who gets on with things. Unfortunately he internalises everything so I watch him closely too. We all see a psych and ds2 is hopefully going to get CBT therapy to help him with his behaviours.

School need to remove ds2 for the safety of others it just breaks my heart as he doesn't act like this because he wants to he can't control it as he is developmentally delayed. I try not to make excuses and definitely don't have rose coloured glasses on in relation to my kids or myself but I also believe we should call it what it is and he is behind emotionally and cognitively compared to his peers. He is now so distraught at missing school tomorrow it will create further problems in relation to his anxiety and confidence. The battle goes on!

I made some bad decisions when leaving my ex which have impacted on all my kids and ds2 has severe anxiety issues stemming from this and the loss of my DD. Unfortunately my 2 boys were present when my ex took DD's life. Things are certainly complicated and I walk a fine line trying to figure out what is related to their trauma from this incident, what is part of their natural personality and what is from decisions I have made that are now impacting them.

Well, no one said being a mum was easy but I would like to have been told just how damn hard it could besmile. I wouldn't trade it though, I had nearly five years with my DD and I am incredibly lucky to still have my two boys. I do count my blessings and cherish every moment with them even when it is tough. Both my boys are truly beautiful in such different ways and even with ds2's challenges he is loving, caring, funny and perfect.

Thanks again for listening. I'm off to give them both a massive hug.

LilyTheSavage Thu 06-Mar-14 12:18:20

Thanks Mojito. I am racing to get out of the house, but I didn't want you to think I'd seen your post and ignored. I'll reply later more fully.

For now, I hope your day with your DS is calm. Good luck, and give him an extra tight squeeze, xxx

LilyTheSavage Thu 06-Mar-14 23:24:02

And I'm back. It's been a strange and unsettling evening and now I'm counting down the minutes until Paddy's birthday. His first without us.

I've been thinking about your DSs. They are so young. Aren't school referring the younger one to an ed psych for assessment and help? The school SENCO should be able to offer advice. Ask for help. Ask your doctor for help. Don't try and be all things to all people on your own. I think it's probably a good thing that you recognise that your DS has problems, you're on his side and obviously want to sort things out so that he can function better. Maybe school need to help him develop some strategies that he can use to remove himself from a place when he feels wobbly and go somewhere for a quiet time out? I don't know what to suggest without knowing the child.
It sounds as if you are doing all the right things to help support your boys and be there for them. Remember to be gentle with yourself, and get support and help for you too. Your poor babies have had a terrible time (and so have you) and I do think that it all has to come out somewhere, sooner or later. They are lucky that they've got you as their mum.

Hope you get a good sleep and that Friday is a better day for you all.
XXX

Mojito100 Thu 06-Mar-14 23:50:53

Thanks lily. It's Friday here already so I'm going to spoil myself today and have a nice breakfast first off and spend some time thinking about you and the amazing love you have for Paddy. It will be my way of remembering him on your behalf, then tonight even though I'm not one to drink at home I'm going to open up a nice bottle if wine and have a drink for him.

LilyTheSavage Fri 07-Mar-14 10:59:27

That's so nice. Thank you. Hope you have something lovely to drink.

It's a bright sunny day here and I've been out with the dogs and a good friend and then we're going to see him and take birthday cake.

Hope your DS has a better day. At least it's only one day back at school and then you can have a nice weekend together.

LilyTheSavage Tue 11-Mar-14 08:19:48

Hi mojito. Sorry I haven't been around for a few days. I've just been a bit quiet licking my wounds and keeping my head down.
I think I've picked up from your other posts that you're feeling a bit brighter and stronger? I hope so and I hope that this extra strength lasts for a while and will help you to deal with the issues your DS has. I hope he's had a good start to the week at school.
brew

Mojito100 Tue 11-Mar-14 11:02:56

Lily, good to hear from you. My resilience is up at the moment. Thank god!

Ds2 went to school yesterday but when he had to have the chat with his teacher about what happened last Thursday he had another meltdown and had to be removed from school. Luckily I was there doing reading in the class so he came to work with me and was a complete angel. You wouldn't have known he was there he was that perfect.

I saw a psych today in relation to him being treated with CBT therapy and she will speak with her supervisor and get back to me next week with a proposed treatment plan. I feel like things are moving forward so that is good. CBT therapy will be incredibly challenging for him and I believe bring a regression with me seeing the behaviours he displays st school at home for awhile but I do have hope it will help in the long run.

I am not so tearful re DD this week but I find my moods follow my hormones. Don't know if you find that too. Seeing my psych next week to start working through her loss rather than avoiding things. I'll keep you updated on here as to how that is going. It will be tough no doubt.

I thought you were taking some time for you. It's been a big week and hard for you to get through and I am sure have also helped others in your family and circle of friends get through. We all need that time to be alone and I hope you take it whenever you need it.

LilyTheSavage Wed 19-Mar-14 15:36:15

Hi mojita.
Sorry I haven't been in contact for a while. I've just had a lot to deal with and felt quiet and small.
I'm very glad that you're getting some help and support for your DS.
I don't know about moods and hormones. I don't seem to have any hormones any more and I just feel sad and quiet most of the time. I sometimes manage to put on a good face for a wee while, but then once I'm on my own again I can be quiet.
Look after yourself.

Mojito100 Thu 20-Mar-14 13:33:49

Thanks lily. Tears today for DD and all the experiences she never got to enjoy or do. I'm sure the same is for you and your loss. Its always triggered by small things. I think that's often what breaks my heart.... All the life she never had the chance to live. I would give anything to give that to her.

LilyTheSavage Mon 24-Mar-14 18:58:38

Hi Mojito.
Sorry you've had a bad day. Me too. I'm at my home in France and have found a photograph of Paddy playing hockey a couple of years ago that I'd forgotten we had. This is where I was when i got the news of his death. Brings back so many terrible memories.
I've been thinking about all the things he'll never do as well. You're so right. it's the small things.
Hope you get some sleep.
XXX

Mojito100 Tue 25-Mar-14 13:19:13

Treasure all you have Lilly. It's never the same as having them here with you but every little memory becomes so precioys. France will be so hard for you for so many different reasons. It's good to hear from you be gentle on yourself.

LilyTheSavage Wed 26-Mar-14 19:21:16

xx

Mojito100 Fri 28-Mar-14 16:09:46

Thought I would post to say I had been meaning to put a photo of my DD on my new computer as a desktop picture. I found such a beautiful one today and got myself organised. It has brought some tears as sitting at my desk looking into her truly beautiful brown eyes and her cheeky grin just made me want to hug her. Whenever I think of hugging her it reminds me if sitting in the hospital with her and having to tell them they could turn off the life support machine. I held her in my arms as she passed away and just wished for that not to be the case.

I can still see everything so vividly in my mind and feel absolutely everything about that day. The most horrific experience of my life. I just want to turn the clock back.

LilyTheSavage Mon 31-Mar-14 10:37:36

Hi mojito. Hope you survived yesterday ok.... in fact, do you celebrate UK Mothers' Day?
Like you I often think of that hideous day when my DS died, followed quickly by the day of his funeral. It helps me to keep really busy.
How's your DS getting on? Does he break up for Easter soon?
Be gentle to yourself. cake

Mojito100 Mon 31-Mar-14 17:17:40

Lily, we have Mother's Day in May so mine is yet to come.

There really is nothing worse than thinking of your loved ones last time on earth is there? The thoughts do make you push them to one side and occupy yourself with other tasks.

I am proud to say DS2 is doing well. His outbursts seem further apart than last year and I had a parent teacher meeting tonight which was the most positive I have had to date. Don't worry there will be another outburst I'm sure as that is his nature but I'm so proud of how he is growing.

He seems to be really thriving at school for the first time and I can start to see things clicking into place for him. It is just such a beautiful thing and really does make my heart fill with so much love and pride it just might burst.

We are just starting CBT therapy so I am expecting a rocky road for awhile as that will bring up many anxieties which he will need to confront. I'll keep you posted on here rather than the general thread we are all on.

DS1 is going well but I am just starting to get the onset of teenager syndrome so I'll come back to you for advice when needed.

Easter will soon be here and school breaks for us in 2 weeks. I am just hoping DS2 can make it to the school holidays without incident.

I still find the love you have for your children to be truly amazing. It is just so overwhelming and complete there aren't words to describe it. I will forever have that love for DD and am reminded of it whenever I see my boys and how I feel about them. For each of their individual personalities I love them so dearly and no matter how hard it feels at times they are worth every minute.

LilyTheSavage Tue 01-Apr-14 08:25:45

Your right about thinking..... but on the other hand I sometimes think that when I'm feeling sad and thinking about Paddy, at least it means he's in my thoughts. I don't quite have space for happy thoughts about him yet. If I try and think of happy things the sad/bad things come crowding into my head and push the happy thoughts out.
I'm so glad your DS2 is doing well. It could also be just how he's grieving and his behaviour will improve in time. He's lucky to have you there supporting him. It's wonderful to see things clicking into place. Enjoy those moments. My DS3 said that CBT has helped him a lot dealing with his brother's death.
I've got DS3 home now for the holidays from uni. He's been busy revising as it's his second year exams and they count towards his finals. I'm really proud of him and DS1 for their great work ethic.

Go and give your boys a big hug and then have wine or brew

LilyTheSavage Fri 04-Apr-14 22:18:18

How're you doing? xx

Mojito100 Sat 05-Apr-14 11:36:04

Doing ok at the moment. Five years on and I still have a cry almost every day. It's not always the great wracking sobs of early days but a few tears are shed in her memory. I don't fight it as like you I would rather have her in my thoughts than not. What I want is to have the wonderful memories if her come to the fore rather than those terrible thoughts about her last minutes.

DS2 is still On track. We have a week left of school and I am hoping he can make it through without another incident. I have bought him a Lego as I am proud of him. He has had many less challenges than previous years this term even though he has been more extreme when he has lost it. We have started the CBT for him so I will be interested to see if it helps and if it makes him worse in the first instance. I think I expect it to be like a flu shot. Where you get the flu after the shot to stop you getting it worse later on.

Other than that things are like normal and the mask is easier to wear at the moment.

LilyTheSavage Sat 05-Apr-14 12:25:13

I'm glad your mask isn't too heavy just now. And I'm especially glad that your DS2 is on track. That's really great.

Have a good weekend.

Mojito100 Mon 07-Apr-14 17:05:35

Just thought I would say after 5 years without beautiful DD I can't seem to go a night without tears. I can't even go to sleep until I've had a cry. I've had tears as we all do over the past years but at the moment not a day goes by without my heart breaking even further than it already has. I just want her back.

LilyTheSavage Tue 08-Apr-14 10:04:08

I sometimes feel like crying but I can't always.... and then other times there's no stopping me. Is it the same for you?
It truly is heart break. XXX

Mojito100 Wed 09-Apr-14 00:16:35

Lily, it's the same for me and it is heartbreaking.

LilyTheSavage Thu 10-Apr-14 10:43:37

The anti-depressants that I take at least ensure that I can get to sleep. Even a chemically induced sleep is better than the horror-filled dreams that I have without it. Feeling a bit groggy in the afternoons is a small price to pay.

The days are worse than the nights for me. I am conscious and my mind wanders straight back to DS2. Memories go straight to his death, seeing him in the hospital mortuary, visiting him in the chapel of rest and then his funeral. I still wonder what he was doing and how it happened. I wish I could think that it will be easier to cope with. There is no space in my mind for good memories. The bad memories crowd the good ones straight out.

Mojito100 Thu 10-Apr-14 15:31:17

All my love and hugs to you Lily. The ache you have is terrifying, draining and just bloody unfair. If I could give him back to you I would. The unknown is unbearable and the knowledge that you weren't there is something so hard to live with. I feel the same about my DD.

Five years on and as soon as a happy thought of her enters my mind it is cruelly crowded out by what I imagine her last minutes were. Those horrific thoughts don't fade or become less frequent. One thing that helps a little is I can imagine holding her in my arms and feel her presence. It's silly because as soon as I feel this the next horrible thought I have is if holding her as the life support is turned off.

All I can say is that I hope over time you can remember your precious memories without the horrible ones crowding in. Hugs , hugs, hugs, hugs.

LilyTheSavage Thu 10-Apr-14 16:15:01

Your thoughts largely echo mine.

Let's hope the time comes when we can both look back on happy memories.

Hugs hugs hugs to you too. XXx

LilyTheSavage Wed 16-Apr-14 07:43:09

Hi mojito.

I hoe your psych session goes well today. Don't worry if you can't say everything you need to say in one session. There's time for more.

Sending you love. XX

Mojito100 Thu 17-Apr-14 14:07:42

Thought I would update you re session with psych today. Lots of tears but then there always are as my thoughts skitter around the memories and thoughts if her.

We spoke about creating a ritual that may help. She asked if I spoke to DD often which I don't really. It hurts a lot to have a conversation with her when she isn't here. It just makes it feel so bleak as I want her to be here and not gone.

having a ritual may create the moments where I can talk to her and also create a time for the boys and I to talk about her together. I think this may help. Psych suggested maybe a special spot in the garden that the boys and I create together. This way she is a part of the house we are in now as she wasn't able to share this with us. we can be in that space alone if we wish and at special times together, maybe lighting a candle for her and sharing our memories.

I think this is as important for me as it is for the boys. My eldest holds everything in as he was there when his father took her life. He has always been so protective of his father. I want him to know it is important to remember people, that it is normal and not to shy away from these things. I don't talk about her much as there isn't really anyone where we live that knew her so they don't hear me doing it enough. The trick is to balance the conversations as I don't want them to feel forced or be uncomfortable for the boys.

So over the next few months I think I'll try talking to DD more and also work on creating a special place for her at home.

Thanks for listening.

thedaymylifestoodstill Thu 17-Apr-14 17:18:46

Mojito, hugs to you.

I think that is an excellent idea. We're here for you. I'm not doing so good with words today, but I'm here x

Mojito100 Thu 17-Apr-14 19:57:35

Thanks lily, just knowing people are there helps. Sometimes there just aren't the right words.

LilyTheSavage Thu 17-Apr-14 21:25:24

I'm glad you're ok. I was thinking of you. I am beside myself with tiredness right now, so anything I say won't make sense (any more than usual), but I know you're getting up now and I didn't want to read and run.... and you think I hadn't seen. I'll reply properly in the morning. Hope you don't mind. XXXX

LilyTheSavage Fri 18-Apr-14 11:47:08

Morning. Here I am again!
Your idea of creating a ritual is something that I'd find very interesting, but I don't know that my sons would like it. I think they'd feel it's a bit forced for them. I hope it works for you though. Maybe yours are young enough that it would work for them. It might help your DS to give him a "safe place" where he can talk. Your situation is so different to mine, but yet so much is the same. I'm about to move to a new house and it's the first home we'll have had without DS2. I'm feeling quite odd about it. That must have been hard for you too.
Hope today is peaceful for you.

Mojito100 Fri 18-Apr-14 15:55:28

Thanks lily, I think a special place for your Paddy in the new house would be lovely for you to have. Remember it's five years on for me and I'm only just able to start working through some of this. I would say do what feels right for you. I get what you mean about your boys, however, they may also want somewhere other than the cemetery to go. They may want to you help create it as a special place for you. I'm sure they are as worried about you as you are of them. They nay use it or never at all.

The interesting thing for me was the discussion with the psych about how our culture doesn't really create ongoing rituals for those that have passed after the funeral and wake yet other cultures do. This made me sit back snd think. The psych did suggest a couple of things but she did suggest a few times having something that can change or move. Her suggestion was to have a bowl with sand that you light a candle, or more than one, and place it in the sand and as you do remember out loud something special about her. She suggested the boys could have rocks or pebbles that they can move and change about. I'm going to give this a go but for myself I think I'll have something with water where I can light a candle and put it in a little paper boat to float about.

I need to be able to talk to her without it hurting so much. I need to tell her how sorry I am that I wasn't there to protect her as well as all the other wonderful things I miss about her.

LilyTheSavage Fri 18-Apr-14 17:17:34

You've give me so much to think about.
I really hope that making your special place and ritual will give you some peace of mind. A very dear friend of mine meditates but I think that for me that would just mean more sorrow. I've seen floating candles.... that might be soothing with the flame and the water.
Let me know how it goes.

LilyTheSavage Wed 23-Apr-14 07:27:37

Have a good trip and hope it's restful for you. XX

LilyTheSavage Wed 30-Apr-14 08:53:51

Hi Mojito.
How was your trip? Did you manage to have a good time? It's spring here and the lovely weather and green hedgerows give my spirits a much needed boost. How are you doing?
XX

Mojito100 Wed 30-Apr-14 15:23:19

Thanks for checking in. We had a wonderful time away but as you know there remains a hole which will never be filled and every activity as a family always feels empty without DD there. I'm good emotionally at the moment but just taking time out to process a range of things happening. Nothing major but as I'm a planner I am thinking about what's coming up and how to work through it.

DS2 is still good. He starts CBT therapy properly next week so the rocky road may start shortly after that. DS1 and I have had some good chats lately. He's at that stage where I need to change my parenting style so I'm not always telling him what to do but allowing him the opportunity to work it out himself. He's on the cusp of being a teenager and turning into an adult. He's such an amazing kid and promises to be a truly wonderful man.

LilyTheSavage Thu 01-May-14 12:18:22

Your post made me smile It sounds as if you're at a really good place at the moment as a family. Things are ok and everybody is just "being". A moment of peace and calm in the turmoil.

Planning is good as it gives you some structure and framework and you can keep in control (as much as we ever can).

I always think that as a parent one of the hardest things we do is letting our DC make their own decisions, and inevitably mistakes, and helping them to learn from that.

Hugs. XX

LilyTheSavage Thu 08-May-14 07:52:15

Hi Mojito.

I'm thinking of you already for Mothers' Day as I've got a lovely cup of coffee. Do you have any plans for the weekend? I hope you've made plans to do something lovely together. When it was our Mothers' Day a few weeks ago i got the card out that Paddy gave me last year. It felt nice to have something from him even if it was a year out of date. Even more precious. XXX

Mojito100 Thu 08-May-14 13:39:45

Lily, how precious that you still have your card from Paddy. The boys and I are going out for breakfast and it will be just us on Sunday. My eldest brother is having a breakfast at his house on Sunday with all the family invited but I am looking forward to just being with the boys and being our small family. Family brings with it pressures and expectations and some days you just want to be you without the pretense and mask. I am declining the family do and will catch up with my mum later in the day.

This year I have told my boys I don't want anything from them and I will appreciate it if one if them makes me a coffee on the day.

I'm looking forward to having a day with no expectations on any of us and for us just to being with each other.

I hope Saturday is manageable for you. The time certainly does go too fast and quite slow all at the same time. I don't remember the smell of my DD but I have incredibly precious memories of her holding my hand at different times and I can still "feel" her hand in mine, or her snuggling with me on the couch etc as well as such clear memories of her voice. I worried terribly that these would fade and am so grateful that 5 years on they are still crystal clear. I hope the same happens for you and your beloved Paddy.

LilyTheSavage Thu 08-May-14 15:39:01

I'm glad you've got the day planned how you want it to be. I think it's good to keep some control over your environment and people. The pretence and mask is heavy to carry and sometimes it's just nice to let it go.

I'm very glad you've got your precious memories firmly in place. Keep them there. I'm terrified of losing mine. XXX

LilyTheSavage Sun 11-May-14 08:48:36

Got my coffee and thinking of you. Happy Mothers' Day.
brew and cake and flowers

Mojito100 Sun 11-May-14 09:01:28

Thanks lily. All in all a lovely day doing all the things I wanted. I raised my cup to Paddy and all the other precious lost souls. I woke up this morning thinking of my beautiful DD which was a touch sad but also special to just have that quiet time to remember her and everything about her.

LilyTheSavage Mon 12-May-14 07:58:37

I thought of you yesterday and am glad you got the day you wanted.... as much as we ever can have the day we want.

Have any of your DCs got exams coming up? How did they manage yesterday?

Mojito100 Sun 18-May-14 16:01:01

Thought I would post an update. Haven't had tears for a couple of weeks but have tonight. Even though it hurts when I think about my darling DD it does sometimes help relieve some of the pressure when I have a few tears. One minute you're fine and the next wobbly.

Saw a rainbow today which always makes me think of her as my youngest DS said, when he was oh so little and so shortly after she had passed, that it was her coming to visit us. Out if the mouths of babes as they say. Ever since they hold a special place in my heart.

Mojito100 Wed 21-May-14 14:33:44

Just wanted to post and say DS2 is doing well at school at the moment. He has had some big hurdles over the last couple of weeks and coped very well considering the behavioural challenges he has.

I am feeling a bit raw at the moment. It's just one of those times when the emotions are closer to the surface and it is easier to be set off by little things. I have a lot going on at work and need to be there to support my staff through it, too much to do on a personal front and then the rawness sets in. This is when i find my resilience is low and I can so easily be set off by something so small. It's also the time I need my mask more than ever to help others get through what they need. Keep on keeping on as they say it's all you really can do.

LilyTheSavage Thu 22-May-14 08:40:42

Hi Mojito.
I've been thinking about you while I was offline. I'm so glad your DS2 is doing well at school. He's got so much to deal with.

Feeling raw is normal. You've just deserved exactly how I've been feeling too.... thank you for putting it into words for me.

I'll look out for rainbows this morning as it's been raining hard here all night but I've got up to the most beautiful sunny day.

Hugs.

Mojito100 Thu 22-May-14 14:59:00

Lovely to hear from you lily. We aren't having enough rain here but have had done beautiful rainbows lately. Ds2 had small wobble st school today but picked himself up so all credit for that.

LilyTheSavage Thu 22-May-14 17:58:53

Picked himself up? That's brilliant. Well done him. He deserves congratulations for being able to do that.

Enjoy the rainbows. x

Mojito100 Tue 03-Jun-14 07:59:49

Needed to unload - resilience is low again. Feel like I need a damn good heartwracking, gut wrenching crying session but just can't seem too. I can feel all the emotions bottled up and the pressure building.

DS2 is doing very well. A few wobbly days at school lately but no extreme violence which he was starting to display. I'm not seeing anything significant in relation to the CBT therapy but still hopeful it will be another piece to the puzzle that helps him regulate himself. He makes me so proud and I burst with love when I even think about him I just wish I could take all his challenges away.

I know I should be proud of how he is doing and all those things but at the moment I'm in the beat up Mojito phase which means I also need to keep unpicking the huge guilt I feel at not being able to save my DD and the underlying issues that all presents.

Low resilience really is a shit place to be as it just enhances all those feelings if inadequacy you have as a person but more importantly as a mum.

LilyTheSavage Tue 03-Jun-14 15:23:13

Hi Mojito.
I thought you might be feeling a bit low as I haven't heard from you for a while. You can't just cry to order can you.

I'm so glad your DS2 is doing so well. It seems as if he's more in control and should really be congratulated for his super efforts. Makes me smile.

Why do you think you should beat yourself up? There's no need for that. You did everything you could and it's just not your fault that you couldn't save your DD. No one would ever blame you at all. I guess you just have to weather this storm which will eventually pass..... just like the others pass. Sending you a big hug. XXX

Mojito100 Thu 05-Jun-14 10:54:43

Still feeling low. Not quite so bad as the other day but on edge. I decided to work from home today as I am in a bit of turmoil with work at the moment. I went off and had a peaceful breakfast on my own and tried to put a bit of thinking into my life and therefore prioritise and plan. When I feel so overwhelmed I need to refocus and decide what to do and what not to do. I think it has helped a little bit. I could feel that invisible wall in my head go up when I started to then work through the plan I had to get some concrete detail so I have put it to one side for now. I'll revisit it soon.

I made a decision late yesterday in relation to the kids as I have been so busy at work I haven't been able to focus in them as much as I would like. I decided not to go to my early meeting and take them to their tutor instead. DS2 needs his routine and even though it has only shifted slightly at the moment I can see a few little wobbles in his behaviour.

It's damn hard being a single parent and juggling life but so many out there know that already and some have way more to juggle than me.

I'm not quite back on track but hopefully putting in place some of the things I need to help me.

It's funny how women do beat themselves up so much. It's just the guilt you feel at not being able to protect your child and when you are low this feels enhanced I think. I'm not normally one to carry guilt but at times you can feel like you are failing which then takes me back to the "what ifs" in relation to DD and if I had only just made a different decision she may still be with me today.

LilyTheSavage Thu 05-Jun-14 22:03:17

Prioritising and planning is a good way forward. I hope you've put being gentle to yourself somewhere on that list too.

I think you're doing the right thing taking the kids to their tutor. DS2 is doing soooo well at the moment you need to capitalise on all the good stuff he's been showing and enjoy the moment. There will be blips I'm sure, but just remember how far he's come in the last few months.

Parenthood is the biggest juggling act of all and for what it's worth, I think you're doing brilliantly.

Guilt. That's a whole new conversation. Where would I start? You can't go through your life with "what ifs?" You just can't know what might have happened if you'd done something differently. You just can't know. Nothing is predictable and foreseeable. You can't take into account the randomness and unpredictability of your ex so don't beat yourself up.

Hope you manage a good sleep tonight.

Laters. XX

Mojito100 Tue 17-Jun-14 09:59:09

Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh......... Just needed to get that off my chest. 12 weeks we've gone without DS2 being sent home from school, now twice in 3 days he has been sent home. There is no rhyme or reason for it as his routine is the same and nothing significant has occurred that would have shifted him enough to behave this way.

I know I should celebrate 12 weeks but it's hard when I go to that emotional place of feeling like a crappy parent. I know it is emotions and not logic talking but sometimes you just can't escape that.

I haven't lost the plot with him or anything which is a good thing and instead have talked through all the strategies he can use when he is upset. Let's hope he starts using them again.

Psych he is seeing at the moment has stated his emotional responses are that of a 2 year old and for him to progress past these he needs to be responded to in the same way you would a 2 year old. She stated it is clearly linked to the loss of DD and the trauma to him from that time as it occurred when he was 2. In my own way I was happy to hear this as I would like to understand what is his natural personality and what is trauma related.

Hah.... Now that is out I can breathe again.

LilyTheSavage Fri 20-Jun-14 14:27:23

aaaaahhhhhhhh! Nooooooo! It's only a little blip and was only to be expected. Look on it as not so bad in the bigger picture. He'd been doing so well. Just celebrate that and remind him how great it was when he was more level. It's hard. Well done for keeping calm.

It's good that the psych can identify the whys and wherefores of DS2's responses and it gives you (and him) an understanding of why he reacts as he does. Hopefully he'll grow/move on from it.

Hang in there. He's lucky to have you.
XXX

Mojito100 Fri 20-Jun-14 16:35:18

Thanks lily. Feeling a bit down at the moment. DS2 has had a bad week all together and couldn't go to school today. He is doing do much better than previous years so things are getting better.

Just feeling a little overwhelmed with everything at the moment and that makes the loss of my girl that little bit harder to bear. I think part of it is not having any time or space for anyone or anything other than DS2 when he is in this state and when you get a moment to yourself the feelings sneak up on you.

2 more weeks until school holidays here. He needs the down time so I hope he can hang on until then.

LilyTheSavage Mon 23-Jun-14 13:25:24

Hi Mojito.

Sorry to hear that DS2 has had a bad week. Maybe keeping him home for a few days cosseting and cuddling will help. This is still only one week and just look where you were a year ago with him. Hang in there.

I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed. Me too. I agree about having time and space to think being dangerous. Feelings do sneak up and overwhelm you.

Hang on for the holidays. Hope you've got some nice times planned for you all. xx

Mojito100 Wed 25-Jun-14 10:16:05

Not feeling quite so overwhelmed at the moment so can stand back and recognise how well DS2 has done so far. Yes, it was a big blip last week but he went to school on Monday and had his chat with the principal and has gotten on with things. This is another milestone as normally the first day back and chat results in another tantrum and being sent home. I thought we might have an issue today as he did not sleep well last night at all but so far so good. It's winter here so there are bugs galore going around.

Nothing planned for the holidays except work which remains full on.

Having a few tears at the moment in relation to DD but that is good in its own way as releases some of the tension.

LilyTheSavage Thu 26-Jun-14 13:09:30

That's really positive. He's doing so well. The times between his blips are getting longer and he seems to be dealing with the blips better. Big well done to DS2 dealing with the chat from the principal.

Tears are good sometimes.
Sending you a hug. I've just made coffee. Here's one for you! brew

Mojito100 Thu 10-Jul-14 23:25:21

Thought I would report that after DS2's horrendous week where his behaviour reverted he is back on track. I have hope the CBT therapy is working as he told me one time about a funny feeling in his tummy which for him is a huge thing. He has never been able to differentiate or understand feelings which is one of the reasons he then acts out as he mentally can't understand them. I also got his mid year report and for a child who was getting D's on nearly everything he has moved to B's on all with an A in maths. He got a C for art and sport but they are so not important.

I haven't been quite so down emotionally over loss of DD but do expect that to change in a few months. October to March become very difficult for me. I miss her everyday but my dips in emotion are slightly more level at the moment.

LilyTheSavage Fri 11-Jul-14 21:34:39

Hey Mojito.
I've been watching and waiting for a report on how DS2's getting on. I'm so pleased for you that he's making such great progress, and huge congratulations on his report. That's just brilliant. grin Recognising feeling is also a big milestone for him as well.

I'm really glad for you that you're feeling a bit more level. Reading all those lovely positives in your thread really made me smile for you. I think of you often. thanks

Mojito100 Sat 12-Jul-14 13:15:30

Thanks lily. I think of you often too.

LilyTheSavage Fri 18-Jul-14 11:21:20

thanks for Mojito.

Hope you're all ok. xx

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