Losing a premie baby

(65 Posts)
Fp123 Fri 27-Dec-13 11:40:58

My beautiful daughter Ameera was born on 4 December 2013 at 25 weeks and died on 9 December 2013. The first week was difficult. I wouldn't leave my husband's side. everyone looked at me soo sadly but their lives went on and mine didn't. It hasn't. I miss my baby. I can't believe it's been less than a month since everything happened. it's sooo heartbreaking.

I needed to write and I thought this might help. Everyday is a struggle for me :-( some days are ok but most days I prefer to be in bed away from the world :-(

DoItTooBabyJesus Fri 27-Dec-13 11:43:16

Oh, that's so sad. I'm so sorry.

I have nothing clever or comforting to say, but thought this link might be of use?

https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=glow+in+the+woods&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en&client=safari

DoItTooBabyJesus Fri 27-Dec-13 11:44:05

https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=glow+in+the+woods&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en&client=safari

Sorry, this is the actual site. It's for baby lost parents.

DifferentNow Fri 27-Dec-13 11:45:05

I'm very sorry to hear that Fp. I can't imagine how awful that must be. I think you chose a beautiful name for your daughter. x

BeaWheesht Fri 27-Dec-13 11:45:31

I am so so sorry for your loss of Ameera.

Have you thought of contacting SANDS charity?

mrscog Fri 27-Dec-13 11:46:06

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter, I have no experience but it's early days, keep talking here there's lots of people who been through your awful pain.

Fp123 Fri 27-Dec-13 12:15:22

The midwife came to see me and told me about SANDS. I checked their website and will contact them after the new year.

Thank you all for your messages. I really do appreciate it and its a far cry from my family who are now in the stages of so when are you going back to work and you need to keep yourself busy.

I have told work I am still taking my maternity leave. Hopefully this time will be enough to help me heal and deal with the pain a lot better.

AWhistlingWoman Fri 27-Dec-13 12:29:41

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your daughter, Ameera. You gave her such a beautiful name. Was she your first child?

I lost my little girl to premature birth in 2008. She lived for three days but, eventually, we had to take the heartbreaking decision to stop treatment.

Please try not to pay too much attention to those who tell you that you need to keep yourself busy or who are questioning you about work. Take all the time you need, do what feels right for you. You have been through a terrible tragedy.

I think that people often just want the 'old' Fp123 back if you see what I mean? They might not understand that an experience like a premature birth and the loss of that baby changes you in many ways.

I remember those early days, I was very much as you describe and clung to my husband. In my experience it may not always be so raw and breathtakingly painful as it is now but you will always remember and grieve for your daughter. I still do for my little one, over five years later. It is because we love them so very much.

I found the website mentioned above, Glow in the Woods, extremely helpful in the early days. You might also want to write on the SANDS message boards or facebook groups or the Bliss website? Please keep writing here if it helps, these early days are so very hard. Sending you lots of love and remembering Ameera x

Fp123 Fri 27-Dec-13 13:43:28

Thank you sooo much AWhistlingWoman for your message. My condolence for your loss and even though it happened in 2008 I can't imagine the hurt and pain ever goes away.

Ameera is my first. She made me a much better person than I ever was. She gave me something to be excited about and to live for. Ameera gave me purpose.

I'm grateful for all the things I got to experience when she was born, I changed her nappy and she peed when I was doing it. She gave a little scream when her nappy was being changed. She is my little angel and now I'm not sure how to proceed from here.

I want desperately to go back to my old self but everytime I even attempt to do that I remember that I no longer have a heartbeat as Ameera was my heart.

I don't know why we go through this when others go on to have their babies but you are right .... I am forever changed. :-(

I pray that with time the pain eases and I am able to be in the same place you are now ... Hopefully having some semblance of peace in my soul.

Thank you soo much for your response and for directing me to other websites. I am eternally grateful.

Yankeedoodlenic Fri 27-Dec-13 13:48:09

So sorry for your loss FP. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through. I hope in your own time you can move forward while holding Ameera in your heart.

Have you thought of doing something in her memory? A friend of mine planted a tree when she miscarried.

Thinking of you & Ameera.

X

AugustRose Fri 27-Dec-13 13:57:11

I'm am so sorry for the loss of your precious Ameera, it is truly heartbreaking when a baby dies. My 4th baby, a boy died at 37 weeks in 2009 and understand how immense the pain is for you.

I think AWhistlingWoman has said everything I possibly could, you have to take each day as it comes, there is no right or wrong way to feel. I couldn't face anyone for a long time and relied on my husband for so much.

I am on Sands and it is very helpful and comforting, sadly there are so many families on there but it does mean there is always someone to talk to. I don't know if you have been given a memory box, I bought my own and I found it so comforting to keep cards and poems, some clothes or anything I could to remember my son.

Sending love to you and your special girl, Ameera xxxxxxxxxx

octopusinasantasack Fri 27-Dec-13 13:59:25

So sorry to hear of your loss.

Fp123 Fri 27-Dec-13 14:00:11

I haven't thought of anything yet but in time hopefully I will think of something nice I can do in her memory. Planting a tree is a lovely idea. My condolence to your friend who miscarried. That's soo sad when these things happen.

I find great comfort in going to Ameera's gravesite. It allows me to accept what has happened and to realise that there is nothing I can do about it.

I feel like I'm living two lives .... One where I am totally lost and one that I show to the world. It's wierd how a person can look so well and okay on the outside but be dying on the inside.

Fp123 Fri 27-Dec-13 14:06:58

To AugustRose, my condolence for your loss. It seems losing a child is one of the heartbreaks in this world that never leaves.

The hospital gave me a memory box with Ameera's things inside. Her little hats that she wore when in the incubator. My baby was doing soo well and the doctor even said she was one of the babies they didn't worry about as she was progressing well but she caught an infection and that killed her. I held her in my arms as she slipped away.

every detail of those days after the Birth is engraved in my memory.

I went trough phases of wanting my baby back but now I know she's in a better place and she's not in pain. Her father and I washed her body for her burial and clothed her body. she was buried the day after she passed. Sooo heaetbreaking having to go to the council to register a birth and death.

Sometimes I think I might wake up and realise this is all a nightmare

KongKickeroo Fri 27-Dec-13 14:08:15

I am so so sorry Fp123. I am thinking of you and Ameera.

I loved your description of changing her nappy and peeing and the little scream. How would it feel to write all those things down? All the little things you experienced, both before the birth and after; maybe in a diary with photos and keepsakes. I have not experienced what you have so please ignore this if it isn't helpful... it's just something that occurred to me when I read what you wrote as it was so touching.

Wishing you the best.

KongKickeroo Fri 27-Dec-13 14:09:10

Sorry cross-posted with you.

AugustRose Fri 27-Dec-13 14:16:00

Writing helped me so much, I have two a4 pads filled with my feelings of those first days and weeks. At first I wrote everyday, it was like a compulsion and then over time it slowed down. But when I had no-one else to scream at or tell how I was feeling, or someone had upset me with their silly statements I wrote in the book. Sometimes it just stops you going over and over the same things.

I wanted to wake up from the nightmare too, sadly we don't but it will ease given time, which is different for everyone. I'm glad you were able to have that time with her, and look after her as a parent should.

AWhistlingWoman Fri 27-Dec-13 15:09:59

I loved reading your descriptions of changing Ameera's nappy and her little scream. I also like to think about the experiences that I did share with my daughter. Although they are far fewer than I dreamed of and hoped for, the memories that I have of her are so precious and remind me how much joy and love she brought me.

To lose Ameera so unexpectedly, when the doctors had told you she was doing so well, must have been completely shocking. Infections in the NICU are so cruel and can snatch children where there is every hope that they will survive. I am so sorry that one took your Ameera from you. I also held my daughter in my arms as she died, I'm glad that I was with her she passed away. It is both one of the most painful and most precious experiences of my entire life.

Everyone grieves differently but like AugustRose I found writing things down very helpful and it stopped me running over and over the ground. I used the websites that I mentioned (you'll still find me there from time to time) and I also wrote a lot of letters to my baby daughter. That might sound strange but I wanted to reach her so badly and it was all I could think of.

I also wanted the 'old' me back, it so difficult to feel that you have lost not only your child but your own sense of self. However, the desperate grief of those first few weeks and months did ease and I did find peace and happiness over time. I will always miss her and will always be changed by having had my little daughter, all too briefly, in my life.

Thinking of you and Ameera xo

Fp123 Fri 27-Dec-13 16:05:36

I bought a book to start writing but I found the only thing I could write was an apology letter to Ameera apologising for letting her down. I've not been able to write since. I recite poetry in my mind but I'm not sure when I'll even be able to put these down on paper. I know someday I will.

Thank you all soo much for kindly listening to me rant about my pain.

I just left the cemetery and although I never thought I'd ever find comfort there I love being where she is.... It's gotten easier going there and just looking at her gravesite. One day I'll be able to stop apologising and blaming myself.

KongKickeroo Fri 27-Dec-13 20:45:42

That's ok Fp just take it at your own pace. If you'd like to tell us more about your beautiful daughter here, or how you are feeling, I would love to listen and I'm sure others would too.

Fp123 Fri 27-Dec-13 21:28:11

I'm feeling so down and out
Like I played a game and got dealt an unfair hand
Like life somehow forgot my happiness
And decided it's time I'm taught a harsh lesson

I've been racking my mind trying to recall
Any evil I'd done to others
Or heartache I may have brought on to others
I've made mistakes
But this ... Too much a prize to pay

I fell in love, still in love
She was beautiful still is beautiful
Carbon copy of me ... Her mother
Her picture engraved in my memory

I remember her kicks
How she hated loud noises
Kicked frantically at the cinema
Twitches in the incubator with every sound

Now my angel has gone home
No more pain... Just peace
I'm missing her here on earth
God has her in His bosom

I shed silent tears in my heart for her
My angel watching over me
You at peace ... My heart broken in peaches
Trying to find some semblance in this madness

Some days I have no energy to wake
No motivation to do the things I use to do
I fell in love soo deeply... Soo purely
But God loves you more
Because He called you home

I wish I could be mad at God
And believe me I've tried
I even waged war on God
But quickly realised I'll lose each time

Death comes to all in time
But death came too swiftly for you
Gave me a taste of motherhood
Then stole you from me

Like a starving man I was given a taste
Like a dying man I was given a little bit of air
Then just as swiftly taken away

Now my mind is full of rumbles
Each day I do one thing to remember
Waking is strength in itself
Eating takes everything out of me

I'm tempted to just give up
But you fought a good fight
And you'll never forgive me if I gave up
Because you showed me what courage is about

I'm soo glad I held you in my arms
And watched you let go of me whilst
Holding God's hands
I kissed your cheeks
Your father kissed your forehead
we both tried to make our peace

But I'm still stuck in this new darkness
Praying for some light out of the darkness
Praying for some peace to fall over me
Praying to keep building my family

And when God is ready to call me home
When I'm taking my last breath
In many many years to come
I pray you'll be the one holding my hand
As I slip out of this life
To be forever reunited with my dear one

Katiejon Fri 27-Dec-13 22:21:43

Beautiful.

Fp123 Fri 27-Dec-13 22:24:58

Thank you Katiejon

KongKickeroo Fri 27-Dec-13 22:35:27

That's one of the most beautiful and powerful things I've ever read Fp. I got tearful just reading it and thinking of you and your Ameera. Thank you for sharing it.

Fp123 Fri 27-Dec-13 22:40:14

I didn't think I'll have the strength to write anything down but going to the cemetery and then forcing myself to go to the shopping centre took a lot more out of me than I thought. Thank you for reading the poem and for sharing my pain KongKickeroo.
I've got sooo much pain inside of me right now and I'm just soo afraid that one day I'll just lose it.

Oblique27 Fri 27-Dec-13 22:47:02

That is beautiful, Fp123.

TheNightIsDark Fri 27-Dec-13 22:52:56

That was beautiful. I'm sorry for your loss. What a beautiful name you gave your daughter xx

Fp123 Fri 27-Dec-13 23:27:32

Thank you Oblique27 and TheNightisDark. Ameera means princess and she is my little princess.

stickybean Fri 27-Dec-13 23:42:07

FP123 what a beautiful poem. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl. Love and strength to you and your husband x

Fp123 Fri 27-Dec-13 23:47:30

Thank you stickybean. I'm keeping all of us in my prayers as I'm sure each one of us has in one way or another needed a helping hand to see the light in the midst of darkness xxx

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Fri 27-Dec-13 23:53:08

I am so so sorry for your loss, I lost my son shortly after he was born, the same day sad

This was almost two years ago now, and I know you probably won't believe this right now, but it does get less raw with time
It's still hurts as much but you will find a way to cope with it
But it has to take time and you have to grieve and let it all out

Your welcome to pm me if you ever want to

You will never forget your lovely dd.
Wishing you love and strength
And remember to just do own what you can manage and what suits you
You may well have people around you telling you what you should and shouldn't be doing
But only you know what's best for you xxxxx

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Fri 27-Dec-13 23:54:44

Oh and if the hospital haven't already put you in touch
Sands are really really helpful
her

Fp123 Fri 27-Dec-13 23:57:20

Thank you soo much Anyfuckerisnotguilty. I've come across wonderful people on here who have been through similar experiences and it's nice to see that each person has been able to live through the pain.
I've also met lovely people on here who remind me that there is more for me to keep living for.
I am grateful to everyone on here.

LeaveIt Sat 28-Dec-13 00:01:07

Full of tears at your amazing poem and the terrible loss of your baby girl. X

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 00:08:20

Today has been difficult for me. for the past few days I've been able to bottle things in and carry on as normal but something about writing has opened the floodgate and I feel all parts of me ripping apart. Now when I cry It's because I feel sad for myself. I want more but I know there's no pointing wanting what you can't have. I'm just grateful I got the chance to be a mother to my angel. I've never loved soo strongly or soo deeply.

LeaveIt ... Thank you for sharing my pain with me. I guess sometimes life forgets there's only soo much our heart can take.

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Sat 28-Dec-13 00:09:47

I can completely empathise with everything you say
I think I certainly grieved for my old self as well as the lost of my ds1

I even had a v good friend of mine tell me I've lost my spark, in the very early days
She Ment well
But it hurt a lot

I do think it's true you have to find a new normal
You probably won't ever feel em the old you again
But in time the way you change isn't always.all bad

Sure I I miss the carefre person I used to be
But I'm also a lot stronger person now
I don't take no for an answer
I'm a lot bolder
And I'm more compassionate, not that I wasn't before, but now I have a deeper level of compassion

Sometimes it's the well meaning comments that got and still get to me the most

In haye early early days people would act so odd around me
You inow the head tilt and the sympathic face and the how are you
Comments

When I want to scream
No fucking better than yesterday

But in time people start treating you more normally and I found that helped

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Sat 28-Dec-13 00:14:08

This is a poem I like, called ask my mum how she is
Reminded me of it by what you where saying about feeling like there the you for the outside world
And the real you at home


My mum, she tells a lot of lies
She never did before.
From now on ’til the day she dies
She’ll tell a whole lot more.

She used to tell the truth a lot
But now it doesn’t matter.
I died and went to Heaven
Her life is all a shatter.

Ask my mum how she is
She’ll say, “Yes I’m fine!”
It that’s the truth then tell me
Why does she cry each night?

Ask my mum how she is
She seems to cope so well
She didn’t have a choice you see
Nor the strength to yell.

You think you know the feeling
But this cannot be
For even though you love me
You don’t as much as she.

She will smile and say,
“It’s okay, God has a plan”
But she will turn away and cry
‘Cause she just can’t understand.

Tell a joke and she will laugh
But she is not okay
She wants to share a joke with me
But it will not be today.

I watch from here in Heaven
Her distress disturbs my peace
Will someone take care of her
Thus take care of me.

Someday she will feel better
“Yes I will” she lies
She knows this will not happen
Until the day she dies.

Ask my mum how she is
She’ll say “Thank you, good”,
She cannot tell how she is

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 00:14:10

When people ask me how are you I just say I'm okay because I don't know what they expect me to say. I'm not okay... I'm forever changed... I'm merely existing... I'm trying to find some peace in all this mess and most of all why me. But you can't say that to people because its not their fault

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 00:27:59

I really like the poem "ask my mum" .... :-) thank you for that ....

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Sat 28-Dec-13 00:28:19

yes i understand what your saying

i found there was a fair feew fuckers that actually didnt really waqnt to know how i was doing, they just felt better for asking
but there was a good handful of people that i could talk to

there have been some people that i havent really talked to about my ds1
i think alot of people find theres people you can talk to and people you cant

what i hated, well still hate is people trying to tell me what i should or shouldnt be doing
likethe people telling you to go back to work.
i had comments like that two months after i lost my ds1 and felt like screaming are you crazy, i cant even get through aday with sobbing at some point
there was NO WAYi was ready to go back to work two months after losing my son
no way
and all those comments did was to make me feel even more shittier than i already did

so please keep in mind you know best whats best for you
and thats differnent for everyone
you really need to put your welbeing above all else at the moment

if you dont feel upto certain things liek family parties etc
dont go
until you do feel ready

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 00:35:23

My husband looks at me with such pain in his eyes because he can't help me. I feel soo bad for him. He wants us to try and move forward and I look at him wondering which forward he is referring to.
Work is something which is very low down my list and non existent at the moment. I try and step out of the house everyday.
I haven't allowed visitors since this happened except for visitors who came when I was at the inlaws.
I know one day I'll wake up and have more good days than bad. One day .... For now I'm taking one day at a time. thank you for being sooo kind

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Sat 28-Dec-13 00:43:15

yes one day at a time is the best way

dont try to hard to supress your tears
i personally think you need to really grieve before you can begin to heal

men often grieve differently to women
they tend to want to protect us
but to us it seems as if they are not as upset as we are
its so tough around

i useed to read other people stories on sands etc
sitting there sobbing
and in the end dh would sayto me
i think you should stop reading that as its upsetting you
but it was exactly what i needed to do at the time
he foud it very difficult not really being able to console me
and in the early days it was in the night my grief used to hit me the hardest
i would often cry for hours at night
and i would have to say just leave me to cry
sometimes i would even say to him im going to have a cry now

the crying has become alot less now

i think about my ds everyday but my dh says he doesnt
i think its quiet different for him than it is for me

i was also hell bent on getting pregnant asap
which is v normal under the circumstances
but people would try and put me off

its good your getting out, even if its not seeing anyone but its a walk in the fresh air
phyical excersise does help and fresh air

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Sat 28-Dec-13 00:46:01

anyonme that tries to tell me what i should or shouldnt do i dont talk to about deep stuff

i even had one friend that told me, that once the funeral is over i should take all the sympathy cards down
i mean people just try and tell you what to do
and i felt like screaming do you actually think thats going to make me feel even 0.1% better?
because it won't

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 01:17:52

I was the same way... Wanting to get pregnant straight away but my husband wants us to wait until I am ready mentally.
A friend once told me "I have lost nothing as Ameera belongs to God and God has taken her back". You can probably imagine how that conversation ended... I just told her I pray she doesn't go through what I'm going through then she can tell me I've lost nothing.
People have been trying to tell me what to so but I just leave them to talk and I do what feels right for me.
Bless... My brother in law asked why I am taking maternity leave when there's no baby to look after and my aunt said I should start losing weight .... That made me realise how differently our worlds are.
If Ameera was alive I won't be asked why I'm taking maternity leave or be told to lose weight soo soon after having a baby.
fortunately for them they haven't gone through this so I understand their ignorance and pray they never have to go through this because the pain is something no one should ever have to go through

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 01:29:50

If you see me smiling sometimes just let me be
There are few occasions these days that bring smiles to me
Please don't ask me how I'm feeling
Or assume I've forgotten
Because behind those smiles lie heartbreak

I've hit rock bottom with no way up
But there are still small mercies I'm grateful for
I can't allow my pain to consume me
I must find some hope everyday to keep living

If I give up who will remember my Angel
Who will recount those wonderful months of pregnancy
Or days when she lived?
Who will remember her as the blessing she is
For others have moved on with their lives
As it should be
But we are stuck in this misery

So when you see me smile
Please understand this
I smile for the first time I saw the positive pregnancy stick
For the first pregnancy symptom I felt
I smile for the 12 week scan and seeing your heartbeat
For your kicks and movements reminding me you exist

I smile for experiencing labour
Even through the pain and gas and air
I smile for your life though short and sweet
I smile for changing me from woman to mother
I smile for the gift you've given me

Though my sadness will live with me for a lifetime
I smile for the siblings that I'll be blessed with
With each year I'll celebrate your birth with a smile
And celebrate your passing with a silent tear

Through my grieve I'll remember to smile
Atleast a little a day
Because it's my way of honouring your memory
For those months you stayed with me
For the days I shared the world with you
For bringing unconditional love to me
For reminding me that there's always hope
And I need to live to win

Lottystar Sat 28-Dec-13 02:15:48

Fp123, I stumbled across your thread and wanted to say I am so very sorry for the loss of your lovely daughter Ameera. Your words are so full of pain and I hope you don't mind me saying this but I wish I could give you a really big hug. I recently had a miscarriage and that was awful enough - a silent pain, which you feel is not really allowed as there was no visual baby for people to see, but I simply can't fathom how you're currently feeling. My mother lost two very premature babies and I was also a premmie myself, born 10 weeks early in 1979. I still see the hurt in her eyes today, she says she lost a little piece of herself with each child but then she has become stronger and more resilient as the years have passed. She still talks about my brothers with loving memories and cherishes the time she had with them. It's such a cruel experience, pls look after yourself and stay close to your husband, you can get through this together xx

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 02:32:58

Thank you soo much Lottystar and I'm soo sorry about your miscarriage. It's such a cruel thing to happen when a child is lost be it when the child is born or via a miscarriage. Pregnancy and childbirth are funny processes. Not as straightforward as we are led to believe when we were little girls. I feel like I have aged 10 years in this month alone.

I understand the pain in your mother's eyes because even I feel I've lost a piece of myself.

I'll keep both Ameera and your miscarried child in my prayers. They are both Angels :-)

I am trying to stay close to my husband and I'm grateful for him.

I'm waiting for the day when things will get easier.

whodunnit Sat 28-Dec-13 02:39:08

Aw, FP, I did not want to read & run. You are going through living hell. Your poems are so touching. You feel so strongly for your lovely daughter and the love shines through in what you write. It can never be the same for a husband, as he has not had this baby inside him as a living active person and cannot know how amazing that feels.

Sleep if you can, cry if you can. God bless.

Rosieliveson Sat 28-Dec-13 07:55:36

I am so terribly sorry for your loss and pain. You have my heartfelt condolences thanks

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Sat 28-Dec-13 08:57:18

yes the way some people try to advise when they have no idea
do you have nyone in rl you can rea;;y talk to?
who is a good listener

mist of thhe other mums ive met along the way are keen tp get pregnant again asap
so if you feel that urge dont worry or feel guilty or try not to
but others o know have wanted to wait a while
whatever you feel, is right for you

its great you have those special memories
you will always have them to treasure

AugustRose Sat 28-Dec-13 10:05:03

I think poems are great at expressing how we feel, I could never write any myself but found some really good ones and "ask my mum how she is" is one of my favourites that I have in my son's memory box.

The one thing I found about people is that those you expect to help and understand, or at least try are not always the ones who do. I have distanced myself from some very old friends who just could not deal with our loss, they didn't acknowledge him and we did not see them for two years - but I accepted that and it is not my problem, it is theirs.

And other have proven themselves to love us and our son more than I could have believed. I think you just have to surround yourself with those who help you and let you be how you need to be, even if you don't understand it yourself.

I know a lot of people want to become pregnant again straight away, especially when their first baby dies. I waited 9 months of agonising whether I should or should not, as I had other children I found it such a dilemma and I know a lot of people thought I should be happy with my 'lot'. Of course I appreciate how very lucky I was to have other children but it still didn't stop the pain and ache to hold a baby in my arms. This is a decision only you and your husband can make when it's right for you.

Thinking of you xxx

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 10:35:16

I have one or two I can talk to but the ones I thought would understand me don't. It's a shame really isn't it. I guess it's times like these that you are able to see the purpose each person in your life serves. Luckily it doesn't upset me because i look at them and realise that until they've been here they can ever understand.

WHodunnit- my husband is somewhat detached from this and sometimes I wonder if he even remembers. I know I shouldn't think that way as everyone grieves differently. This is the biggest test of our relationship and u just pray we can survive it.

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 10:49:14

Beautiful lillies on the bed stand
I hate how beautiful you look to me
Beautiful as my daughter
But not more beautiful than she

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 17:48:30

I've had a decent day today... Went on the bus for a few hours and now hubby and I are going to meet a few of his friends for a meal. I've smiled more today :-) smiled even when I saw other people's babies on the bus :-)
I'm still mad but not as mad as I was a few weeks ago. thank you all for your eyes and your words yesterday.
Xxxx

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Sat 28-Dec-13 18:17:51

Glad to hear you've had a decent say xxx

stickysausages Sat 28-Dec-13 18:33:59

I'm so sorry for your loss sad

My nephew was born at 30 weeks, and I remember how worrying it was, how fragile they are & how the fear of infections or bleeds or setbacks takes over.

It's hard when the world moves on & leaves you behind, please keep talking & accept help from anywhere you can find it.

I used to be involved in funerals, including babies, and one of the most lovely things that sticks with me, is someone saying that their stillborn daughter had known nothing but love. She had never been touched by negative emotions or hate, all she'd ever known was kind words, kind thought & pure, unconditional love.

stickysausages Sat 28-Dec-13 18:36:36

I'm glad you had a good day, one day the good days will outnumber the bad... you just won't notice it happening thanks

Gullygirl Sun 29-Dec-13 05:57:12

FP, I am truly sorry for the loss of your daughter,
Your poem is beautiful,thank you for sharing it with us.

Fp123 Sun 29-Dec-13 05:58:00

got home at 1am this morning after dinner with the husband and his friends. they asked if we have children and hubby said no but I told him to be honest and not dismiss our child. so we told them and I must admit it felt good to say "yes we have a child but she passed away" it felt good that we acknowledged our baby.
I spent the rest of the evening smiling and even danced. I smiled for my angel and danced for my angel and realised that from the day Ameera was born every thing I do is for her.
My baby dying broke me in pieces and has left me shattered but she gave me sooo much more than I ever imagined .... Ameera gave me hope and now I have the audacity to hope and dream when I'd never been able to do so before.

SecretWitch Sun 29-Dec-13 06:27:53

I am reaching out to hug you. So glad to hear you went out and had the opportunity to laugh and dance. You are honouring your lovely daughter by living. What a gift she gave you. I will be thinking about you and your family. Love and hugs...

Fp123 Mon 30-Dec-13 21:15:35

Can I just have a few minutes to myself
To collect myself, reconnect myself to the world
Find a way to get some peace for myself
Before I plan how to move on in myself

People are trying to rush me through the process
Asking where my drive and fight for life went
Why I seem to spend hours in bed
Not making plans like I use to back then

Need I remind you that I gave birth and she passed
Drive and fight are not currently on my mind
Waking up everyday is fight enough
Not one month has passed since this event
So please allow me to just vent
I'm not in the right frame of mind to make plans
I've got no real fight left at this time

So just because you've build walls
Been able to go back to work
Go back to normal
Forgot we created a life and she passed
Doesn't mean I'm ready to do the same

Stop trying to push me to fight through this
Allow me to just grieve
I can't seem to explain to you how I feel
She's been with me since she was conceived
She was a part of me before you knew
She was a part of me before she grew
Into the beautiful Angel that she now is

I'm torn in pieces by this whole ordeal
I'm grieving my child and the death of me
I'm finding a new normal which isn't easy
I've gone from girl to mother to grieve stricken
I've buried a child before I raised a child
I've lost myself before I knew myself
So please let me grieve the best way I know how

And as long as I'm waking up each morning
As long as I'm stepping out of the house
As long as I'm smiling
And there are no tears falling
Understand that this is a drive and a fight

stickysausages Mon 30-Dec-13 21:32:37

You have a lovely way with words OP thanks

Fp123 Tue 31-Dec-13 09:42:43

Thank you stickysausages. Poetry helps me heal :-)

Fp123 Tue 31-Dec-13 15:24:18

Today is not a good day. Today I'm upset and angry. I look at my husband and I'm angry with him. He hasn't done anything wrong .... He just refuses to give me back that pregnancy feeling because he thinks I'm not mentally ready for another child. How would he know? how does he know how a mother feels when she looks at her now flat stomach which should still be housing her unborn child? When she looks at her breasts which only a few weeks ago were full with milk for her living child and who now looks at her empty arms and aches for the child she held one last time as her child took her last breathe.

I don't want to hate him and hate is a strong word I know but he wants me to get better in myself and I want my child
Back and that pregnant feeling so I guess neither one of us will get what we want. I'm sorry for ranting. My husband is a good man but I just wish he could understand that another pregnancy will help to ease the pain I am feeling. No amount of happiness in this world will ever be the same or give you a greater feeling as being pregnant or motherhood.

Everything I do now pales in comparison to when I was pregnant or when I had my daughter there and could visit her. Every morning I wake up with a heavy heart. :-(

whodunnit Thu 02-Jan-14 01:36:28

Aw, OP, everything is so raw and painful for you. I know nothing of your anguish, but you can never bring Ameera back again. You still have her in your heart and your mind if not in your arms and your body. It is so unfair for you. Wishing you peace.

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