My brother was murdered last night.

(343 Posts)
MetallicHighlights Wed 04-Dec-13 21:17:51

That's it, really. He was stabbed to death on his doorstep. Just been staring at the photo of his house with the forensic tent outside on the BBC website.

I've been spamming FB with maudlin photos but reckon my friends there have probably had enough by now, so have come here to rant instead.

DD (14) adored him. She is being very brave. DS doesn't know yet as it's his 5th birthday today and I wanted him to have one more day of fun before he learns that life is shit.

So how do we get through this?

Jenijena Wed 04-Dec-13 21:19:01

I am so so sorry for all your loss. How utterly dreadful. Would you like to tell us about him?

TheArticFunky Wed 04-Dec-13 21:19:44

I am so sorry.

Fab41 Wed 04-Dec-13 21:21:27

I have no idea how you can get through, what a dreadful shock it must be. Remember good times and don't be shy in asking for help in RL
I am so sorry for your loss

bumbumsmummy Wed 04-Dec-13 21:22:05

I am sorry that this has happened to your brother

Flossiechops Wed 04-Dec-13 21:22:17

Gosh I'm so sorry. What a terrible tragedy for you and your family sad

ParsingFancy Wed 04-Dec-13 21:22:22

Oh dear god. I'm so sorry. Rant away.

Rowlers Wed 04-Dec-13 21:23:20

How absolutely dreadful, truly. Children do come through these things remarkably well ime though. You have my deepest sympathy. Look after yourself x

Flatasawitchestit Wed 04-Dec-13 21:23:46

I'm so sorry OP. sad

Fuckingfacebook Wed 04-Dec-13 21:23:55

Oh I'm so so sorry.

EweHaveGoatToBeSkiddinInSnow Wed 04-Dec-13 21:24:00

I am so so sorry.

My friend was in this situation last year. Her little brother was stabbed to death by his girlfriend. She has been through utter turmoil through the whole court case (the woman got bail!) and sentencing (she'll be out in 5 years).

The things that have helped her are:

having people around.

writing down her feelings. She wrote on his FB page every day (so please don't be put off doing this).

and most importantly, time.

Over a year has passed since his death. She's still obviously heartbroken, but much better than this time last year.

Her children were 3 and 5 when her brother died. They don't quite understand what has happened, but she takes comfort in talking to the children about their uncle regularly as she can't bear the though of them not knowing/forgetting him.

I'm sorry if i've been terribly un-useful. I really feel for you and wish you all the best. thanks

MetallicHighlights Wed 04-Dec-13 21:24:35

Thank you for taking the time to reply. His name was Jon, he was a gardener, a mad keen guitarist and could go on about the castles of Britain for days. He was also a stubborn sod. He was only 16 months younger than me, so I don't even remember a time when he wasn't there. I think both my kids were half convinced he was some kind of superhero. How is it that I'm having to use the sodding past tense about him?

LCHammer Wed 04-Dec-13 21:24:54

I am so sorry. Your lives turned upside down.

hoobypickypicky Wed 04-Dec-13 21:25:14

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Would you like to talk about him? Would it help? Please ignore me if you'd rather not. xx

hoobypickypicky Wed 04-Dec-13 21:25:39

Sorry, I cross posted with you.

Zamboni Wed 04-Dec-13 21:26:50

So sorry for your loss OP.

nilbyname Wed 04-Dec-13 21:27:05

Oh my god, how completely horrendous, I'm so so sorry to her of this.

What was he like?

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Wed 04-Dec-13 21:27:39

I'm so sorry. He sounds lovely. What an awful shock for you. flowers

TheCrumpetQueen Wed 04-Dec-13 21:28:02

So sorry x

I'm so sorry for your loss. That seems rather meaningless in the face of such a horrific event. There aren't words enough x

gamerchick Wed 04-Dec-13 21:28:38

I'm so so sorry sad

Oh my god, how truly awful. So sorry for you and your kids.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Wed 04-Dec-13 21:30:37

So sorry OP, how heartbreaking sad. He sounds like he was lovely, and talented, and vibrant. thanks

I hope justice is served and his attackers are punished.

claretandamberforever Wed 04-Dec-13 21:30:44

Exactly what Ruby Tuesday said xxx RIP Jon.

sassytheFIRST Wed 04-Dec-13 21:31:02

HOw utterly awful. I'm so sorry.

Pancakeflipper Wed 04-Dec-13 21:31:06

Oh you poor thing.
You will get through this ( but it is really hard and a rollercoaster).

The Police can offer and find you support through the Family Liaison Officer. Ask them for help.
There are several organisations like www.samm.org.uk . They can support you and help you get through practical things and offer emotional support.

Bowlersarm Wed 04-Dec-13 21:32:38

So so sorry OP. Words aren't enough. Sympathies to you and your family.

diva100 Wed 04-Dec-13 21:32:40

I'm sorry for your loss, may his soul RIP.

CocktailQueen Wed 04-Dec-13 21:34:03

How absolutely awful. I am so, so sorry. Lots of hugs to you.

MetallicHighlights Wed 04-Dec-13 21:34:04

Thanks Ewe. I am already feeling sick at the thought of the court case. There's someone in custody now. It just seems so stupid - he was the least confrontational man you would ever come across. He got engaged at 17 because he proposed to his girlfriend when pissed and was far too scared of her to break it off when he sobered up

I miss him.

I am so sorry. Life is really shit sometimes.

Winston wish helped my DD when we had a sudden death of a loved one.

NCISaddict Wed 04-Dec-13 21:35:12

So sorry for your loss OP. May you find strength for the days ahead.

Pawprint Wed 04-Dec-13 21:35:31

Oh dear OP how colossal a sorrow for you. I have also lost a beloved sibling in appalling circumstances, but she chose to die rather than continue with medical treatment.

To have a sibling die by murder is horrendous. So sad for you.

ParsingFancy Wed 04-Dec-13 21:36:07

He sounds like a fabulous uncle. Did your DC manage any castle trips with him?

I am so sorry for your loss. What a horrific thing to happen!

stickysausages Wed 04-Dec-13 21:36:44

I'm so sorry for your loss. I see someone has been arrested, I hope your family get justice for your brother. Can't imagine how shocked you must all be, please take up offers of support, from the police organisations, victim support & also from your gp if you're not coping or sleeping etc.

Again, I'm so very sorry thanks

sebsmummy1 Wed 04-Dec-13 21:37:07

I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm absolutely sure that none of your friends are sick of you talking about it. I imagine they just don't know what to say and feel helpless.

MetallicHighlights Wed 04-Dec-13 21:37:26

Haven't met the Family Liaison Officer yet though they've been working with my mum and dad today. We're a couple of hours away. Mum arranged for my lovely colleagues at work to be the ones to tell me so I didn't have to have the police come round to do it. They managed to withhold his name and picture till DD got home so I could tell her then.

Thank you all for your kind words. thanks

youarewinning Wed 04-Dec-13 21:37:49

I'm so sorry to hear your news. sad

moldingsunbeams Wed 04-Dec-13 21:38:10

So Sorry op, Winstons Wish are fantastic if you need help and support for your dc.

MetallicHighlights Wed 04-Dec-13 21:40:02

ParsingFancy we counted up how many castles DS had been (dragged) along to when he was about 2, and it was well past 50! One year Jon set himself the target of 100 castles in a year, and he managed it as well.

And that has just set me off again, because he was supposed to be coming over to go to Harewood Castle some time soon and now he won't.

McFox Wed 04-Dec-13 21:40:21

So sorry x

afullroux Wed 04-Dec-13 21:40:25

Oh, I'm so, so sorry. How horrendous. Thinking of you.

Manchesterhistorygirl Wed 04-Dec-13 21:40:51

Oh metallic I'm so, so sorry for your lost. Your brother sounds like a really fantastic bloke. What an appalling thing to have happened. Sending my thoughts to you all.

XmasLogAndHollyOn Wed 04-Dec-13 21:41:26

I am so sorry to hear this OP. What a truly horrible thing to happen. Rant away, talk away. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be for you and your family right now.

Sophiathesnowfairy Wed 04-Dec-13 21:44:06

I am so sorry for your loss it seems there will be a huge gap left by him. I hope you gp have good family and friends to lean on. thanks

out2lunch Wed 04-Dec-13 21:44:43

this is awful.sending a hug op.rip to your brotherxx

Metallic I am so sorry for your loss. Please keep posting and telling us about your brother, as much as you want or feel able x

MoreThanChristmasCrackers Wed 04-Dec-13 21:44:53

I am so sorry, and can't imagine what you all must be going through.
It just seems so senseless for such a lovely man to be taken like this.
May he RIP thanks

tombakerscarf Wed 04-Dec-13 21:44:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Agrestic Wed 04-Dec-13 21:45:51

Op I've seen the news reports and picture of your brother. He looks and sounds like a great character, I'm loving the hat.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your family heal over time and smile at those precious memories. x

So so sorry. I don't know what else to say. Thinking about you and your family xx

Inertia Wed 04-Dec-13 21:47:46

I'm so sorry. He sounds like an amazing brother and uncle.

MsGee Wed 04-Dec-13 21:50:00

Please contact SAMM - www.samm.org.uk. Please ring the helpline, they're amazing. They will arrange support from other who've been there.

I am so sorry that this happened to your brother and your family xx

RIP Jon

I am truly sorry for your loss OP. Thinking of you and your family.

mrssmith79 Wed 04-Dec-13 21:51:56

I am so sorry for your loss.

missinglalaland Wed 04-Dec-13 21:52:41

Your brother sounds like a wonderful person. Of course this is a massive loss. I am so sorry for you and your family. Xxx

MetallicHighlights Wed 04-Dec-13 21:55:21

Thanks to people recommending SAMM - it looks good, especially for DD who I am very worried about. I'm trying to keep her from googling as some of the local news websites have details that she shouldn't have to see - stuff about stabbed in the neck and screams and blood pools. My little brother.

MetallicHighlights Wed 04-Dec-13 21:57:52

tombakersscarf I got him a Dr Who first day cover with Tom Baker's autograph for Christmas. He was OUR doctor - we were made up when he appeared at the end of the 50th. I think we will go to Harewood Castle at some point and maybe take something of his.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Wed 04-Dec-13 21:58:23

Oh god Metallic that's so horrible. I'm so sorry.

Words fail me sometimes at the sheer awfulness of some people. The sheer bloody evilness sometimes takes my breath away. Utter, utter bastards.

QOD Wed 04-Dec-13 21:59:04

Christ, so shocking. All death is horrible but sudden death is so shocking.
I'm so sorry sad

ParsingFancy Wed 04-Dec-13 21:59:32

100 castles in a year! What an awesome dude!

Lighthousekeeping Wed 04-Dec-13 22:00:29

I read about it before I saw this. He sounds like a lovely bloke. So sorry x

I am so very sorry. He sounds such a wonderful and interesting man, one who was loved by his family.

I'll light a candle for him, and for you and your DC.

A handsome bloke too. Guitar playing, gardening and castles. What a senseless loss.

hareinthemoon Wed 04-Dec-13 22:03:41

I am so sorry.

ParsingFancy Wed 04-Dec-13 22:04:49

And very well done on making through it today for DS's birthday. That may make a huge difference to your DS in the future, not directly associating the two things.

BerryLellow Wed 04-Dec-13 22:07:03

Oh God how awful, I'm so sorry. Wishing you strength for the time ahead sad

MetallicHighlights Wed 04-Dec-13 22:07:29

That was what we were aiming for. I couldn't have done it without some amazing friends who basically took over and held me up (physically at times). He told me at bedtime that it was the "best birthday ever" and I only just made it out of the room in time.

ThistledownAndCobweb Wed 04-Dec-13 22:07:48

I'm so sorry, he sounds like a lovely lovely man.

MetallicHighlights Wed 04-Dec-13 22:07:51

Sorry, that was to ParsingFancy.

TrinityRhinoTheUltimateQueen Wed 04-Dec-13 22:08:42

I'm so sorry for your loss

Its just the most awful thing

A close friend of mines brother was hacked to death with an axe in their family home before the murderer burned it down to hide the evidence

I wish you all the strength you need to keep going

<hugs>

may he RIP

ExitPursuedByAChristmasGrinch Wed 04-Dec-13 22:10:21

Oh my goodness. So sorry to read this. I do love a castle myself. No idea how you cope with this horrendous loss.

ParsingFancy Wed 04-Dec-13 22:10:58

Oh you hero! Like brother, like sister.

What a wonderful parent you are. There are no words I can find that adequately express my sorrow and admiration for you.

God. I'm so, so sorry OP. He sounds like he was an awesome man and a brilliant brother and uncle.

MetallicHighlights Wed 04-Dec-13 22:13:21

Agrostic DS has a collection of flat caps as well, so he can be just like Uncle Jon.

To people who have found the news story - we do have a good idea who and why it happened but I'm reluctant to say any more till the police do. But basically it wasn't down to anything that was Jon's fault, if that makes sense.

BoffinMum Wed 04-Dec-13 22:13:54

So sorry. What a horrid thing to happen. Are you getting bereavement support?

Idreamofsunshine Wed 04-Dec-13 22:15:49

Oh god OP I'm so sorry for your loss. If it was your brother who lived inWK I heard about this earlier today and thought how tragic it was.

piratecat Wed 04-Dec-13 22:16:04

i am so so sorry MetallicHighlights. This is awful, i cannot imagine what you and your family are going through.

my condolences to you. xx

knittedslippersx3 Wed 04-Dec-13 22:16:31

I'm so sorry this has happened. Be kind to yourself, you are being so strong for your dc.

crazyafterall Wed 04-Dec-13 22:18:19

He sounds so, so lovely as do you.

A horrible, senseless loss.

Wildhorses123 Wed 04-Dec-13 22:18:28

I'm so terribly sorry OP. Hold on to those beautiful memories you have of your brother.

HolofernesesHead Wed 04-Dec-13 22:20:28

RIP Jon. So incredibly sorry Metallic. Much love and strength to you and your family, even though I've never met you.

Theenormouscrocodile Wed 04-Dec-13 22:21:54

RIP Jon. Sending you lots of love at this awful time xx

lookout Wed 04-Dec-13 22:22:16

Metallic awful, so sad sad. But you are absolutely admirable in putting your ds's birthday before your grief. Well done for being brave and strong. When/if you're ready there's a sibling bereavement thread around, you'd be welcome if you feel it right for you.

Sounds like you have some amazing RL support, keep leaning on it. Just take it easy on yourself for now and let people help you as much as they can. Talk about him and think about him as much as you can. Write stuff down. Cry. It'll all help, even if it doesn't feel like it.

Thinking of you.

MetallicHighlights Wed 04-Dec-13 22:23:35

That was him Idreamofsunshine . And he definitely wouldn't know what to do with himself at the thought of random laydeez on the internet describing him as a handsome bloke, whoever it was upthread who said that!

Hoping that when we go over tomorrow I'll be able to talk to the liaison officer about support for the kids, and I'll definitely be contacting SAMM. I spoke to staff at both the kids' schools today so they can get something in place for when they go back.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I can barely see through my puffy eyes now, but all your kind words are helping get me through the evening. thanks

JBBBean Wed 04-Dec-13 22:25:12

So sorry for your loss. What a wonderful parent you are xxx

BellaVita Wed 04-Dec-13 22:26:47

How awful.

I am so sorry flowers

dontcallmehon Wed 04-Dec-13 22:27:09

I'm so terribly sorry, Metallic xx

Vintagebeads Wed 04-Dec-13 22:27:31

I am so sorry for your tragic loss.

Be kind to yourself and lean on others.Your brother sounds like a wonderful man who will be forever young.

Calabria Wed 04-Dec-13 22:29:29

I am so, so sorry.

magimedi Wed 04-Dec-13 22:31:00

So very sorry. flowers

CatAmongThePigeons Wed 04-Dec-13 22:31:08

So sorry sad you were amazing holding it together for your son, your strength and courage is admirable.

Be kind to yourself and talk as much as you need to. He seems a wonderful chap. X

WoTmania Wed 04-Dec-13 22:32:42

That's awful OP. So sorry.

PigsInParis Wed 04-Dec-13 22:32:51

My gosh OP, my thoughts are with you tonight and your DD.

Words seem rather insignificant - however I know that MN is a wonderful source to help let it out. There is always support here.

I am truly sorry that your family have to endure this heart breaking loss, I hope that your friends and family can come together now and hopefully support each other through the next few hours/weeks/ months til the shock wears off.

I hope SAMM can help you and the DC process what has happened.

It sounds like your brother was a wonderful uncle and brother. An awesome castle exploring brother and uncle with a love of music and cool hats! RIP Jon and many many hugs for you and your DC Metallic x

moomoomummy Wed 04-Dec-13 22:34:10

Just spoken to my sister who is one of yr best friends from school. Can't believe it and have no idea what to say to you other than I am so so sorry for you , the kids and yr mum and dad and most if all Jon. Must have been the worst day if your life today. Sarah xx

OldRoan Wed 04-Dec-13 22:34:12

I'm so sorry for your loss, and so in awe of your strength looking after your children and making sure your DS had a wonderful birthday.

You might find " Michael Rosen's Sad Book" useful. It is sold as a children's book but is, I think, appropriate and acceptable for all.

DziezkoDisco Wed 04-Dec-13 22:34:31

Oh so terribly sorry. I heard this pn the news before. He looks lovely x

CaroBeaner Wed 04-Dec-13 22:36:29

I am so sorry, what a terrible shock. What a terrible and wasteful loss of your brother's life. You are a wonderful sister and mother, and a credit to your brogher's memory. I wish you all strength.

I am so sorry for your terrible loss, Metallic.

What strength you must have to have managed to get through today and provide your DS with his 'best birthday ever' - that made me smile and well up.

Your brother sounds like a wonderful person and you were obviously close.
I hope you can find lots of love and support in RL to help you adapt to this hole in your life.

Much love and strength x.

MetallicHighlights Wed 04-Dec-13 22:38:02

Forever young - oh yes, last year (at 42!) he STILL counted the Christmas presents to make sure I didn't have more than him.

I'm going to try to sleep now as small one will be up early, but thank you all for your lovely words.

extracrunchy Wed 04-Dec-13 22:38:40

OP I am so sorry for you and your family.

Iworrymyselftosleep Wed 04-Dec-13 22:40:45

Im so sorry for your loss. I don't have the right words to say what I want to say which is how lucky your children are to have such a caring mum.

My thoughts are with you x

eightandthreequarters Wed 04-Dec-13 22:43:09

I'm so sorry, Metallic. He looks simply wonderful, and how devastating to lose him. I wish you all strength.

MetallicHighlights Wed 04-Dec-13 22:45:29

Thanks moomoomummy , your fab nephew has sent DD a lovely FB message x

Any strength I've managed to find today has come from other people, and everyone here has added to it. thanks

And yes, he was wonderful and awesome, a great father figure to my kids. My mum has been telling me how many of his friends have driven for hours today just to get together in his honour. I am so proud that he was my brother.

kotinka Wed 04-Dec-13 22:45:53

metallic, I'm so sorry, how terrible. there are no words.

ThisIsMeNow Wed 04-Dec-13 22:46:06

Metallic, I'm saying a prayer tonight for you and your family. I hope you have the strength tomorrow to get through telling your son. Will be thinking of you and sending love.

thanks

Mrsrochesterscat Wed 04-Dec-13 22:46:26

I am so sorry for your loss.
If it helps, my uncle was murdered when I was in junior school - I don't think any of us children (brothers, sisters, cousins) have a distorted view of the world.

JanePurdy Wed 04-Dec-13 22:47:20

Oh metallic, how utterly awful. RIP Jon xxx

Andro Wed 04-Dec-13 22:49:29

How do you get through it? You get through it one day at a time, one hour at a time...one minute at a time if that's what it takes. There is (if you have a good family) strength in unity, support each other. Right now there is nothing you can feel that is wrong or inappropriate, right now it just is.

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope that the perpetrator(s) is(are) caught.

Slippersandacuppa Wed 04-Dec-13 22:52:23

Thinking of you and your family, OP. I really don't know what to say, other than I'm so sorry and sad to hear what happened. You sound quite amazing.

IHaveSeenMyHat Wed 04-Dec-13 22:52:46

Oh my goodness. What a horrific loss. I'm so sorry.

moldingsunbeams Wed 04-Dec-13 22:52:58

I have just realised which story this is as you are not far from me sad I hope you can take comfort from the fact that everything I have seen and heard is what a wonderful and lovely person he was. So sorry.

OP so sorry to hear. I don't know you or your brother but we were supposed to be coming from glasgow to see him this weekend with his band.

The whole hairy community is gutted. We are all thinking of you and your family and friends.

GimmeDaBoobehz Wed 04-Dec-13 22:55:51

I am so sorry for your loss sad

My sister lost her best friend 8 years ago. He was attacked for being gay. Kicked and punched to death. His poor, poor family. It was in London, so horrible.

I just can't understand why anyone would want to do Thanatos to another human being. I really don't understand.

He sounds like an amazing man.

MetallicHighlights Wed 04-Dec-13 22:56:25

Thanks, Mrsrochesterscat, that is helpful to know. I'm certainly going to do my damndest to make sure that they get through this.

And now I really do need to sleep!

I'm so sorry sad

One thought from something you said earlier - I've noticed many people talk about those they've lost in the present tense if and when that feels more natural. So don't feel there are any rules x

whymummywhy Wed 04-Dec-13 23:00:37

So sorry for your loss...x

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Wed 04-Dec-13 23:01:50

I am so sorry to hear this about your brother sad flowers

Thinking of you too. Hope you get some rest xx

Sorry for your loss. He sounds like a lovely man. Well done for holding it together for your son but you now must let yourself grieve too.

Nancery Wed 04-Dec-13 23:25:00

Metallic, I am in awe of your strength with regards to your sons birthday party. I am also so sorry to hear about your brother. He really does sound a lovely man. My thoughts are with you and your family xxx

mummylin Wed 04-Dec-13 23:25:43

What an horrific thing to of happened to your dear brother, I can begin to imagine the horror or pain. Sending you and your parents my deepest sympathy and strength to help you through these very dark days. RIP Jon

gnatgnu Thu 05-Dec-13 00:02:28

RIP Jon

So so sorry for your familiy's loss OP

SilverShins Thu 05-Dec-13 00:26:17

Oh gosh, I'm so sad for you Metallic. I wish you and your family strength and hope. Thinking about you thanks

MetallicHighlights Thu 05-Dec-13 00:32:47

My head won't switch off.

LittleTulip Thu 05-Dec-13 00:37:14

I am so sorry for your loss.

I guess the shock will be wearing off now and reality kicking in. Small steps flowers

duchesse Thu 05-Dec-13 00:37:17

I am so sorry Metallic. RIP your brother.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 05-Dec-13 00:50:26

Of course your head won't rest Metallic, what has happened is massive. Reality doesn't seem real for you anymore.sad

SoloSlantedClaws Thu 05-Dec-13 00:56:22

Oh gosh! sad I'm so sorry for your loss Metallic how terrible...

Your brothers picture shows a beautiful face and an inner glow. Bless him and rest his soul.

bunchoffives Thu 05-Dec-13 01:01:33

Hope you manage some sleep Metallic.

If you feel really bad through the night, try out of hours dr, I'm sure they'll be able to give you something to help you sleep.

KeatsiePie Thu 05-Dec-13 01:03:47

I am so so very sorry. thanks

MetallicHighlights Thu 05-Dec-13 01:03:53

Actually, what I really want to do is scream my head off. But I suspect the kids (and the neighbours) won't thank me for that.

Thank you, soloslantedclaus. One of the tributes to him in the paper described him as a "true gentleman". He was one of the good guys.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 05-Dec-13 01:04:45

Oh dear, what an absolutely hideous thing to have happen.

I'm so sorry for you and your family.

What a fantastic mother you are to have the sensitivity and courage to go through your son's birthday before he is told.

Your brother sounds like a truly inspiring person, what a very sad loss.

Remember to look after yourself sweetheart.

Sending you strength for the future, especially tomorrow.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 05-Dec-13 01:09:38

Punching pillows can be a reasonable substitute for screaming smile
xxx

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 05-Dec-13 01:10:08

Metallic put a pillow or cushion (or two) to your face and scream. Scream and scream and scream. Until you can't scream anymore.

What has happened to you needs an outlet. Get it out.

MetallicHighlights Thu 05-Dec-13 01:11:02

Some of his friends are coming to drive us over there tomorrow. My dad is doing the formal identifying thing. I've packed some bags but think we might be wearing some very random clothes for the next few days. Also packed DS's birthday toys - my attempts at assembling Lego / Playmobil this evening were quite frankly pathetic, so hoping to rope some of Jon's mates into doing some building work.

AdoraBell Thu 05-Dec-13 01:11:05

So very sorry for your loss thanks

MetallicHighlights Thu 05-Dec-13 01:15:09

Punching pillows (and feeling slightly blush about the amount of dust).

thanks for being here.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 05-Dec-13 01:20:18

Don't try to maintain your normal standards.

At this stage managing to put one foot in front of the other and still keep breathing is enough.

It sounds like you have lots of support, let people help, it will help them if you do.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 05-Dec-13 01:23:31

Fuck the dust love, punch away if it helps.

passedgo Thu 05-Dec-13 01:30:51

I'm so sorry. I lost two brothers last year and the year before, one was a gardener as well. There were hundreds at the funerals. Get a very big church and lots of protein for the buffet afterwards. Gardeners eat a lot! Sorry but it gets worse, not better. I am nowhere near my way out of this darkness. Take care of yourself and your family.

X

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 05-Dec-13 01:32:28

You have done so well today Metallic.flowers Your DS will thank you in the years to come. But do not minimize your loss.

It is not fair, it is not good.

What do you want to do right now?

perfectstorm Thu 05-Dec-13 01:39:54

I'm so very, very sorry for your loss.

MetallicHighlights Thu 05-Dec-13 01:40:55

Passedgo, I'm sorry for your losses thanks. Eating a lot sounds very familiar!

Right now I would really like to sleep but don't think that is going to happen. And I've also realised that I'm pretty hungry as I haven't been able to eat all day. So will go down
and see if I can find anything more appetising than Jake and the Neverland Pirates birthday cake to eat.

My eyes are so puffy, they really hurt.

IThoughtThat Thu 05-Dec-13 01:44:00

What a terrible and shocking thing to have happened. I am so sorry for you and all your family and friends.
thanks thanks

Iateallthejaffacakes Thu 05-Dec-13 01:56:57

So very sorry indeed. What a great thing you have done for you DS today. Wishing you lots of strength for tomorrow and the days ahead.

EvaLongoria Thu 05-Dec-13 02:16:49

I am so very sorry for your loss. No words can ease the pain
Sure to lose your brother in such a horrible way. But as previous advice : one day at a time. I lost my brother almost 9 years ago a day after he was diagnosed with leukemia. I was 10000's of miles away from home. Only left the country a week before. Almost 9 years later and it does get easier. But small things make me burst into tears now. But I can say I can talk about him and what he likes and disliked without crying today and suddenly tomorrow his favourite band will play and I don't know how to console myself.

Worse part of all of his lost. He left 2 beautiful daughters behind who was only 2 months old and 2 years. And it's up to us to keep his memory alive. I have 2 myself and my now 6 year old never met him but she knows a lot about him since she was little.
I am keeping you in my prayers and only time can ease the pain. Xx

MetallicHighlights Thu 05-Dec-13 02:20:24

Thank you. So many people with sad stories, so many gone too soon. thanks

I'm so sorry to hear this.
My lovely bil was killed 6 years ago in a similar way. There's nothing that makes it any better. The shock fades with time though.
Be kind to yourselves.
thanks

So sorry for your loss Metallic.

You and your family are in my thoughts. x

SecretWitch Thu 05-Dec-13 03:20:05

Honey, my heart goes out to you and your family. What a terrible loss. I can't imagine how you feel but I expect you might be hurting very badly. My arms are reaching out to hug you ((())))...xx

TheZeeTeam Thu 05-Dec-13 03:25:04

I'm really sorry about your brother. I hope you take this in the spirit it is given, but having lost someone who died in a manner that attracted press intrusion, be aware that this thread may be used in a way you don't want it to be. I'm so sorry sad

thistlelicker Thu 05-Dec-13 03:49:18

hmmthanks

MetallicHighlights Thu 05-Dec-13 04:06:07

Still awake. Thanks again for hugs and kind words, and flowers for everyone who has suffered losses.

ZeeTeam, thanks for your concern. I'm aware this is a possibility so am carefully not mentioning any details of the attack not already in the press. If they want to report that my pillows are dusty or Jon had a castle fetish then so be it.

They could also report that ice packs have no effect on puffy eyes, and that food just gets vomited back up. sad

KeatsiePie Thu 05-Dec-13 06:20:10

Hey, I'm sorry you're not getting a rest. Would you want to try lying down with a hot damp washcloth folded over your eyes? Warm things always make us feel cared-for so it may help you relax enough to sleep. I hope so.

KeatsiePie Thu 05-Dec-13 06:21:11

Goodness, I always get the time difference wrong -- I really hope by now you have fallen asleep.

MetallicHighlights Thu 05-Dec-13 06:40:32

Thanks KeatsiePie, I managed almost an hour then woke up with the wind rattling the tiles. Was convinced for a moment that something had happened to DS and I had to go and tell Jon! Small boy will be awake soon so no point trying to sleep again.

MetallicHighlights Thu 05-Dec-13 06:47:54

Aaaaand he's awake. Deep breath.

Just keep swimming metallic. You're in shock as well as grieving. Be kind to yourself. Maybe your GP would be able to help with sleeping?

KeatsiePie Thu 05-Dec-13 06:50:13

Oh no! Sorry you didn't get more rest. I hope you'll see your parents today? I imagine it will be a really, really hard day but good for you to be with them, and good for your kids too.

Thinking of you this morning Metallic x

AfricanExport Thu 05-Dec-13 07:48:00

So sorry for your loss. Be strong x

Woolfey Thu 05-Dec-13 08:10:53

Thinking of you today x

tribpot Thu 05-Dec-13 08:13:01

How unbelievably dreadful. I'm so sorry for your loss.

MetallicHighlights Thu 05-Dec-13 08:13:19

Small boy has tried to get his head round the never seeing again bit and is most concerned that Santa won't be able to find Uncle Jon to deliver his presents. Followed by panic that me and his sister are going to die as well. Followed by a request for sugar puffs for breakfast "to help with the sad". Loving his logic. DD being fantastic. Packing now.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 05-Dec-13 08:15:24

Oh metallic I am so so sorry to hear this. How utterly awful for you all. I am sending some hugs and strength to you all xx

custardo Thu 05-Dec-13 08:18:57

so sorry for your loss x

BoohPear Thu 05-Dec-13 08:36:19

flowers I'm so so sorry.

ajandjjmum Thu 05-Dec-13 08:47:47

What an awful thing to happen - so sorry for you and your family.

Metallic, young children tend to dip in and out of grief, so your DS being upset and then wanting Sugar Puffs is what you'd expect, bless him.

Thinking of you today x.

Hotcoffeeburn Thu 05-Dec-13 08:52:50

What a terrible heartbreaking thing to happen. It is just awful.

OP I cannot offer much in the terms of practical advice as have obviously never been through the same but please know that I am thinking of you. Xx

RhondaJean Thu 05-Dec-13 09:00:59

I am so s sorry op. you're doing a great job with your ds.

X

pinkbraces Thu 05-Dec-13 09:08:14

Im so so sorry for your loss x

PloddingDaily Thu 05-Dec-13 09:14:40

I'm so very sorry for your loss...he sounds like a truely lovely guy. Just be very gentle with yourself going forwards, survival mode til things settle a bit. Thinking of & praying for you & all your family. thanks

WheresMyCow Thu 05-Dec-13 09:14:58

So so sorry for your loss Metallic thanks

Had seen the story in the local paper, he sounds a wonderful man.

Thinking of you and your family today xx

ZingSweetPea Thu 05-Dec-13 09:18:15

so sorry for your loss Metallic, utter tragedy. thanks
just shocking.

Mimishimi Thu 05-Dec-13 09:18:50

I am so sorry Metallic. I did see his photo and concur with the PP that he was quite handsome and he truly sounds like he was a lovely, interesting person on the inside too from the description of him by you and those in the paper... very tragic, senseless loss sad

Spacefrog35 Thu 05-Dec-13 09:22:55

I'm so so sorry for your loss. Your words shine with love for your brother, he sounds like a wonderful man.

It sounds like there is a fairly sizeable bunch of people affected by his loss, please lean on them for support. You want to be strong for your DCs but there is nothing wrong with them knowing that you're sad so please take time for yourself.

It's a very very long path out of the dark place you find yourself but you will get there. Start with one breath at a time, then one step at a time, it's ok to crumple in a heap as long as you get up again. We will all be here whenever you need us

x

ancientbuchanan Thu 05-Dec-13 09:23:50

Really sorry.

When you feel capable of it, bereavement counselling might be a good idea, for you and dd . You will understand what to expect in the roller coaster days to come.

lottieandmia Thu 05-Dec-13 09:25:41

I am so very sorry - there are really no words sad

MetallicHighlights Thu 05-Dec-13 09:25:51

Thank you. I just wish they hadn't put the graphic stuff in the paper as DD would want to see all the nice things said about him. All the messages his friends have sent say how he was the least violent, most anti fighting man they have known. He didn't stand a chance.

And of course good looks run in the family. wink

AllThatGlistensIsChristmassy Thu 05-Dec-13 09:35:58

Oh Metallic sad

I am so deeply, deeply sorry for your loss. You sound like a remarkable woman, your strength and courage is shining through and I'm so glad you have Jon's friends supporting you all through this awful time.

My deepest sympathy and best wishes to you and your family xx

Mimishimi Thu 05-Dec-13 09:41:57

Perhaps you could print the article and cross out the bits you don't want your DD to read with a black marker? Knowing her uncle was described and headllined as one of 'life's true gentlemen' will stay with her( in a good way) for the rest of her life despite the horrid circumstances. [hug]

rumbelina Thu 05-Dec-13 09:49:03

I'm so so sorry. It is so shit. Keep talking, in RL and on here. I lost someone close very suddenly, although not murdered. The shock, as well as the grief, turned my world upside down and inside out. It helped me to write things down - someone gave me a nice writing book and sometimes I wrote how I felt and sometimes just jotted down a memory or something that had been said. 11 years on that book is still my most treasured possession.

SandyDilbert Thu 05-Dec-13 09:56:11

I am so incredibly sorry Metallic - I wish there were some words which could comfort, or in some very small way take away the pain you and your family are enduring. All I can say is that I, and the might of Mumsnet, are behind you and are here to hold your hand in the hours, days, weeks, months and years ahead. Your brother sounds like a remarkable, wonderful, much loved & admired man.

Rooners Thu 05-Dec-13 10:05:50

I am so sorry. I haven't seen the news but he sounds like an absolutely epic bloke.

I know how much an uncle or auntie can mean to children, my sis is very important to mine. I hope you manage to find a way to cope through this awful pain.

Much love.

kelper Thu 05-Dec-13 10:08:44

oh my goodness, just read this. sending you un-mumsnetty hugs, rip Jon. hope you manage to hang on to your amazing strength over the coming days and weeks. and im sure sugar puffs are good for the sad, bless your ds x

Damnautocorrect Thu 05-Dec-13 10:14:41

Oh wow, I'm so so sorry for your loss xxx

MetallicHighlights Thu 05-Dec-13 10:28:27

Have just been laughing with my cousins on FB because one of them posted a "Sleep peacefully" comment. Jon did not do peaceful. Ever. He could only sit down with a guitar in his hands (and preferably some whiskey as well). He couldn't hold a conversation without pacing round the room, and never sat in a restaurant long enough for a second course. He always had to be doing - gardening, restoring his lifeboat, going for great long walks, doing favours for anyone who asked. Peaceful, no way. He'll be pacing now, wherever he is.

saffronwblue Thu 05-Dec-13 10:30:12

I'm so sorry for this senseless loss. What a lovely man he sounds.

MetallicHighlights Thu 05-Dec-13 10:30:22

thanks for listening. All your kind words are giving us strength, and I will go back over the advice when my head is a little clearer.

kohl Thu 05-Dec-13 10:45:46

Oh love, I am so sorry. He sounds incredible, and you have been epic in the last 24 hours, holding it together. I hope you find some small comfort in being with your folks and his friends. I can understand not being able to eat, but could you try warming milky drinks?

ParsingFancy Thu 05-Dec-13 12:11:01

Thinking of you all today.

HepsiBaubleMistletoes Thu 05-Dec-13 12:25:13

Just seen this and had read about it in the paper earlier. Metallic I am so very very sorry for this senseless death of your dear brother who seems to have been a fine man. May he rest in peace (with his guitar and a large whiskey).

My condolences to you and your family. X

ormirian Thu 05-Dec-13 12:27:06

Oh my lovely, I am so so sorry. What a dreadful loss sad

Thinking of you all and wishing you strength xx

MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw Thu 05-Dec-13 12:30:21

Really sorry Metallic, thinking of you and your family. Jon sounds really lovely, and your closeness is clear. Do try to take care of yourself, it's a long road ahead.
thanks

PenguinsDontEatPancakes Thu 05-Dec-13 12:35:56

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother.

Based on what you've just said, may he be pacing peacefully now. x

Rikalaily Thu 05-Dec-13 13:00:03

I'm so so sorry for your loss. Your brother sounds like he was a fab person and he brought a lot of joy to all of your lives. Remember all of the good times and laughs.

Thinking of you all xx

telsa Thu 05-Dec-13 13:07:19

He sounds like such a wonderful man. You have many fantastic memories. I am so sorry for your terrible loss.

THECliffRichardSucksEggsinHell Thu 05-Dec-13 13:11:07

So sorry that your brother has been taken from you in the worst possible way just before Christmas.

I hope you can take comfort in the fact that he lives on in your memories and that just by being alive on this earth, he has changed peoples lives for the better - yours, your childrens, his friends, etc. He has left his mark on this world.

It might help if you did something awesome in his memory?

ZingSweetPea Thu 05-Dec-13 13:43:46

Metallic

I wondered if you might want to have a plant named after him - especially that he was a gardener.
can't link, but there's more info on the Royal Horticulture Society's website.

I keep thinking about just what a horrible, tragic loss this is.
your poor parents as well. my heart goes out to you as well.sad thanks

ZingSweetPea Thu 05-Dec-13 13:47:13

*to you all

not as well, stupid auto correct

Toomuch2young Thu 05-Dec-13 13:51:54

Goodness i am so so sorry. Words just don't seem enough do they.
Thinking of you and all your family. RIP Jon, he sounds like a brilliant brother. Wishing you strength for the road ahead.

ASmittenKitten Thu 05-Dec-13 13:55:10

So sorry.

SnakeyMcBadass Thu 05-Dec-13 14:11:31

I'm so very sorry for your loss. There aren't words xxx

MetallicHighlights Thu 05-Dec-13 22:44:58

Something will be happening in his memory, we are working on the details. His lovely friends brought us safely home.

Such a hard day, now in the house where we grew up and where he lived till just a year ago. I've seen him everywhere today, when I walk into a room, for a split second - and then I've lost him again.

The liaison officer came to give us the details of the post mortem and his injuries. Images won't go away.

Kids have been spared the worst, but DD is being pestered by "friends" who have seen the story and want more gory details, or by her best mates who met him once and are sobbing hysterically. Have confiscated her phone now.

Small boy is getting his head round the fact that someone hurt his uncle enough to make him die. More detailed than I would have wanted, but he needed an explanation for the police presence.

Reception / internet is pants so can only read and post intermittently.

Second person arrested. God knows what is going on there.

And Jon is still dead. No matter how many times DS asks when he's coming back, because he needs help to build his lego castle.

But we've made it through two days. We're still here. We can do this.

You can do it, because you have to.
Just so sorry that you have to find the strength for it.

I am glad plans are afoot to commemorate your brother.

I hope you find some sleep tonight x.

ParsingFancy Thu 05-Dec-13 22:50:43

Keep going, keep breathing. thanks

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 05-Dec-13 23:01:48

So pleased to see that you are laughing and finding humour even in these horrible circumstances.
It really is good medicine, and will help you all through.

Hugs and flowers, you're amazing.

BigArea Thu 05-Dec-13 23:02:10

Metallic I just wanted to add my condolences - I am so sorry you have lost your lovely brother. Like many others I saw his photo and was struck by how kind and sparkly he looked. You are doing amazingly, I wish you peace x

MetallicHighlights Thu 05-Dec-13 23:09:17

Thank you. Going to sleep now.

IamtheZombie Thu 05-Dec-13 23:11:49

Metallic, Zombie has no adequate words.

Her thoughts and prayers are with you, your family and all of Jon's friends. She has lit a candle for him.

Bumblebzz Thu 05-Dec-13 23:12:33

So sorry for your loss. Tears are free flowing down my face as I've just read the whole thread and I cannot fathom what you are going through. You sound truly amazing and strong and your children are lucky to have you as their mother and your brother as an uncle they will never forget.
X

MetallicHighlights Thu 05-Dec-13 23:18:29

Not strong at all but being held up by strength sent by others. The kindness of friends and kindness of strangers. And of course Zombies. thanks thanks thanks

Now I really am going to (try to) sleep.

ZingSweetPea Thu 05-Dec-13 23:27:38

I thought that others finding out and bothering your DD would be a tough one.
Your poor DS, nobody can replace his wonderful Uncle Jon.
so so sad.

superlambanana Thu 05-Dec-13 23:31:41

Thinking of you and your family Metallic. You will get through this and it will get easier. Don't feel you have to be strong all the time. thanks

Thinking of you. So very sad. Look after yourself. You will be trying to be strong for everyone else I suspect.

ExcuseTypos Fri 06-Dec-13 00:08:02

So very sorry that your brother has gone. He sounds a lovely man.

As others have said, just take one step at a time. You are in shock and will be for a while. Be kind to yourself and keep close to those who can support you. Xxx

LoveAndDeath Fri 06-Dec-13 00:20:40

Metallic, I am so very sorry for your loss. What a terrible, needless tragedy. Jon sounds like a lovely man xx

MetallicHighlights Fri 06-Dec-13 10:29:49

Slept well in the end, though I seem to have cried in my sleep a lot.

DD still fast asleep so leaving her as long as possible.

DS just found this year's photo book - I do them every year as a Christmas present for my mum, but brought it over now as it's not going to be appropriate at Christmas now. I only made it as far as March and had to stop. All the good stuff we did in 2013 has been overwritten now. But I am going to look at it soon and reclaim it. That bastard took Jon's future but his past, his glorious, eccentric, happy past, is ours.

TheGonnagle Fri 06-Dec-13 10:42:26

Metallic I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you strength to carry on in these dark days x

ExcuseTypos Fri 06-Dec-13 10:50:48

You are right about owning Jon's past.

It will be too painful at the moment for you to even put that photo album together, but you will do it when you're ready and it will be a treasured thing for you all.

Sidge Fri 06-Dec-13 11:02:28

I'm so sorry that you have lost your wonderful brother in such a shocking way.

Sending you love, peace and strength and hoping that the good memories of Jon can overshadow the horror, in time xxx

Oh Metallic, I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

I've just read the news report and was struck by Jon's lovely smiley eyes. He looks like the nicest man. Why would anyone do this? It's beyond comprehension.

Wishing you and your family strength for the hard times to come. thanks

grizzabellia Fri 06-Dec-13 11:04:13

Very sorry for your loss, sending best wishes to you and your family

motherinferior Fri 06-Dec-13 11:05:42

I am so sorry.

MetallicHighlights Fri 06-Dec-13 11:09:26

Small boy has announced that to remember Uncle Jon he is going to visit every one of his castles and put up a sign saying. "Uncle Jon was here". I'm sure English Heritage / Cadw will be absolutely delighted. grin

Dogonabeanbag Fri 06-Dec-13 11:17:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExcuseTypos Fri 06-Dec-13 11:18:47

Ahh what a sweet boysmile.

CatAmongThePigeons Fri 06-Dec-13 11:19:31

Aww, small boy sounds wonderful! grin I hope he achieves his want. Much love to you all. X

ZingSweetPea Fri 06-Dec-13 11:20:11

bless him, so sweet.

did Jon have a favourite castle?

CinnabarRed Fri 06-Dec-13 11:26:26

I'm so very sorry.

I have found these lines from AE Houseman to be of comfort in a similar position:

They carry back bright to the coiner the mintage of man,
The lads that will die in their glory and never be old.

RIP Jon thanks what an awful thing to happen. My thoughts and prayers with you and your family. Take care.

Thumbwitch Fri 06-Dec-13 11:40:46

So very sorry to hear about this awful tragedy in your family, Metallic - I hope they nail the bastard who took your lovely brother from you. I have also seen his photo and he looked lovely - a really nice man. sad

I love your small boy's idea of putting up monuments to his Uncle Jon at every castle he went to - and why not indeed. I hope he is able to do so.

No useful wisdom to give you really, just lots of love and strength to you all.

ParsingFancy Fri 06-Dec-13 11:44:06

Oh I am welling up at small boy's plaque plan! grin

Thinking of you all, and sending you whatever the strength the internet can carry to make it through another day.

Gladvent Fri 06-Dec-13 11:46:43

I'm so sorry for your loss. RIP Jon.

I wonder if you could have a plaque of sorts at a castle Jon loved
.... I can imagine it on a bench in the grounds with a beautiful view and saying "This was Uncle Jon's favourite castle" x

MetallicHighlights Fri 06-Dec-13 13:13:44

CinnabarRed, those words are so him. Thank you for sharing them.

According to Jon choosing a favourite castle was
much harder than choosing a favourite child! Beeston was the last one we went to together. There's a tiny little crawl hole you can get through to the inside of one of the towers, but it's too small for adults. Jon was delighted to discover that Small Boy fitted through the hole and armed him with a camera so he could find out what the inside looked like. Many friends on FB have already volunteered to join us on a castle visiting odyssey.

DD's school were fantastic on the phone today, they have already taken steps to put support in place. Kids playing happily now.

HowlingTrap Fri 06-Dec-13 13:18:06

God I am so sorry, thinking of you and your family thanks

ZingSweetPea Fri 06-Dec-13 16:04:56

I honestly don't think I'll ever be able to look at another castle without thinking about him.

I don't know why. some people just have an effect on you in the most unusual way and he has inspired me.

ZingSweetPea Fri 06-Dec-13 16:06:36

and that is how people who are gone live on.

JanePurdy Fri 06-Dec-13 16:54:31

In a 6 degrees of separation moment a friend of a friend has posted about your brother on Facebook (you know how things pop up in news feeds) & several people are sharing fond memories of him. He sounds lovely & your loss is so immense. Thinking of your family.

MrsBramleyApple Fri 06-Dec-13 21:55:57

Mettalic. I second the suggestion to contact Winstons Wish. They really helped my ds2 when he lost his Dad and Grandad within a few years of each other. You sound an amazingly brave lady.

chinam Fri 06-Dec-13 22:03:12

So sorry for your loss.

MetallicHighlights Fri 06-Dec-13 23:50:25

Zing, it would be lovely if you did think of him at a castle. Make sure you picture him having a bit of a rant because he's found one tiny factual error in the guidebook, then taking photos of a wall which looks like stones to any normal human being but is in fact some incredibly important Norman something or other. grin

We have had a lot of friends and family over this evening sharing stories and looking at old photos. His poor mates kept starting an anecdote, realising the end was perhaps not quite suitable for telling his mum, and getting all flustered. It was lovely but at the same time drove home so very hard what we have lost.

Someone is coming tomorrow to talk to the kids and both schools are arranging help as well. They are bearing up.

But the most disturbing news of the day - my colleagues at work have sent me a photo of my beautifully tidied desk. I will never find anything ever again...

So very, very sorry that you have lost your brother in such a shocking and senseless manner. Thinking of you all. Xxx

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles Sat 07-Dec-13 12:58:14

I will take my DS to visit a castle this year in memory of your brother - possibly Castle Acre on a re-enactment day. Have you been there?

How are you all today? (stupid question x)

bigTillyMintspie Sat 07-Dec-13 13:07:20

Oh Metallic, I saw this story the other day (I'm from W) and now I've seen this thread.

So, so sorry for your loss.

ZingSweetPea Sat 07-Dec-13 15:04:07

Metallic

I'm great at spotting imperfections, so definitely will do a rant for him!grin

MetallicHighlights Sat 07-Dec-13 15:15:33

We've done Castle Acre a time or two en route to visiting family in Norfolk, and yes, it was one he was fond of. Reenactment days often a source of ranting though, unless entirely historically correct!

Today we are mainly just tired, I think. We were told this morning that someone has been charged and wrote a tribute to Jon for a press release, which was hard as summing him up in one paragraph was impossible. My dad posted his own tribute on FB which nearly killed me. Kids tired and whingy, and DD has lost her phone somewhere in the house.

A vicar is coming round later to discuss his funeral.

MetallicHighlights Sat 07-Dec-13 15:18:41

Post too soon!

Jon was an atheist so we were going to avoid the church option, but there aren't any other suitable venues large enough. We had a bit of a debate about it last night, but as one of his friends said, "Why miss out on the opportunity to wind him up one last time?" grin

Back2Two Sat 07-Dec-13 15:20:45

So sorry for your sadness and loss.
You have given us a wonderful description of Jon .....he sounds amazing (and active!)
No words of wisdom I'm sorry.....just adding my wishes for strength for you and your family flowers

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles Sat 07-Dec-13 15:45:32

Actually we might go to Castle Rising as it's a bit nearer to us - have looked at both websites (Castle Acre looks great too). I think it was Castle Rising we drove past once when they were advertising a special event day - also on our way to the Norfolk coast.
Anyway your brother has inspired us to visit more castles as it's not something we've done much so far, and I think ds(12) and dd too would love it. So thanks to Uncle Jon for that thanks We will think of him when we're there - especially if there are any holes to crawl through - I'd love to visit Beeston Castle too as my Grandpa grew up in Beeston.

And good luck with the vicar later tonight x

ZingSweetPea Sat 07-Dec-13 15:47:03

grin

why not indeed!

MetallicHighlights Sat 07-Dec-13 23:13:02

Castle Rising will do - we like that one too!

Mum and dad talked to the vicar in the end, as my cousin and his family drove up from Dahn Sarf for the day just to be here. Apparently as long as we have a few set words at the beginning and end we can do what we want in the middle, and they are able to show slide shows and films so those of us who don't trust ourselves to be able to speak on the day can still pay a tribute.

Back home tomorrow, kids in school Monday. I know it's really selfish but I'm looking forward to some space to grieve for myself. There's been no time to think for the last few days. I'd quite like to have a good bawl without having to prop up someone else. Or pausing to build a Lego castle. Or flower arranging, or answering the phone...

ZingSweetPea Sun 08-Dec-13 00:37:03

that's not selfish. you need time to grieve on your own and your way.

IamtheZombie Sun 08-Dec-13 00:48:41

Keep a tight hold of Zombie's hand, Metallic. You will get through this.

MetallicHighlights Sun 08-Dec-13 08:09:13

thanks

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire Sun 08-Dec-13 10:58:02

Metallic - I completely understand your feelings re. your tidied desk - I'd be the same! My colleagues would never have dared though...

I like the idea of being able to video your tribute prior to the day and then show it at the funeral - what an excellent plan! I would need to do that, I think.

And yes, space to grieve for yourself is very important. Lock yourself in the loo - I used to find that quite a useful place for letting it all out, iyswim.

(((hugs)))

MetallicHighlights Sun 08-Dec-13 22:00:54

Just uploading a video clip of Jon, dressed head to toe as 1920s mountaineer George Mallory, singing "Whispering Grass" at a concert to fundraise for the lifeboat museum where he was one of the trustees. Which, for Jon, was quite normal.

Breaking my heart to watch it now.

ExcuseTypos Sun 08-Dec-13 22:43:50

Oh Matallic, I'm so sorry.

It must be so bittersweet to see videos and photos of h So painful to watch yet you can see why you loved him and what a fantastic man he was.

ExcuseTypos Sun 08-Dec-13 22:45:37

Sorry I'm on my phone.

I meant 'photos of Jon' x

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire Mon 09-Dec-13 03:04:02

Can't say it any better than ExcuseTypos.

thanks

ZingSweetPea Mon 09-Dec-13 16:21:28

how are you today? did you manage some time for yourself?

I sent you a PM.

Matallic, I hope you had a bit of peace and quiet today to catch your breath, mourn your wonderful brother in your own way and gather some strength.
thanks

MetallicHighlights Mon 09-Dec-13 18:11:20

Zing, have replied. thanks

Not much rest time today - have been in work all day after taking kids to school. I wanted to get it over with before too long, and have ended up with an enormous basket of goodies brought in by my colleagues - I feel like Red Riding Hood! Am being covered for the time being so I can wander in and out if I feel like it.

Small boy was fine at school. As we were leaving the house we saw a cross in the sky where two aeroplane vapour trails had crossed. I suggested it was Uncle Jon sending him a kiss from the sky, and his little face lit up like a beacon. Haven't picked DD up yet - she is rehearsing for a show - but the lady I left her with this morning was absolutely lovely and was looking after her brilliantly.

There's a tribute in the local paper today. More tissues needed.

ZombieFromTheRealmOfGory Mon 09-Dec-13 18:23:17

Zombie is still with you, Metallic. She wishes she could read that tribute. She'd also like to see the video clip. Jon certainly sounds amazing. ((((( Metallic )))))

MetallicHighlights Mon 09-Dec-13 18:52:13

If I tell you that "Our Jon was a genuine one-off" you will know more about him. wink

Thank you for the zombie hugs. thanks

Aw, Metallic, that's a lovely tribute to a lovely, generous, fun man.
I can get a glimpse of the sense of loss you must all feel sad. It is just so unfair.

Keep breathing, sleeping and eating when you can. It is lovely to read that your whole family seems to be v close to each and that you are able to support each other x.

ParcelFancy Mon 09-Dec-13 21:10:56

More thanks, just to say still thinking of you all today.

ParcelFancy Mon 09-Dec-13 21:17:38

Just read today's bit in your local paper. You've all done him proud.

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire Mon 09-Dec-13 21:22:09

That is a lovely tribute in the paper, Metallic. (((hugs))) still.

expatinscotland Mon 09-Dec-13 21:33:06

I'm so very sorry, Metallic.

MetallicHighlights Mon 09-Dec-13 21:57:05

Thank you, especially expat - I still think of you and your daughter often, especially when "Call Me Maybe" is played. She truly did touch many lives, just as I hope Jon is doing now. flowers

We did try to do him proud. I think it's up to 197 shares now, so a lot of people are thinking of him.

Sleep well, little brother x

Back2Two Tue 10-Dec-13 13:45:55

How are you feeling today metallic.
Still thinking of you and your brother x

MetallicHighlights Tue 10-Dec-13 22:31:27

Hi, very very tired tonight - think it's all catching up with me. I've arranged to have the morning off so I can go back to bed after sorting the kids and sleeeeeeeep.

ZombieFromTheRealmOfGory Tue 10-Dec-13 22:34:59

More Zombie hugs for you. (((((((((( Metallic ))))))))))

Enjoy your going back to bed lie in tomorrow.

ancientbuchanan Tue 10-Dec-13 22:40:01

Thinking of you, as the roller coaster goes on with v few up bits.

ancientbuchanan Tue 10-Dec-13 22:40:06

Thinking of you, as the roller coaster goes on with v few up bits.

nightbird80 Wed 11-Dec-13 01:54:20

So sorry for you loss.

ExcuseTypos Wed 11-Dec-13 08:30:25

Hope you managed a good nights sleep Matallic x

ExcuseTypos Wed 11-Dec-13 08:32:33

Sorry Metallic, blooming fat fingers.

MetallicHighlights Wed 11-Dec-13 16:15:47

Missed the back-to-bed bit as I got a message from my Dad to say Mum wanted to talk via Skype as soon as they were free, but then they had a steady stream of visitors till I had to go into work! So I'll be trying again tomorrow. The kids took a while to get off to sleep last night, especially Small Boy who just wanted more hugs every five minutes, but I did get a few hours kip in the end.

Other than that, same old same old. No sign of a date for a funeral yet. I don't seem to have been crying as much today but am still freaking out at the sound of sirens or the sight of a knife - getting very good at spreading with a spoon!

An extended tribute due to go into the same paper tomorrow. The poor chap trying to put it together has been inundated with emails and photos; he sounds a bit stressed out. fsmile

ZingChoirsOfAngels Wed 11-Dec-13 16:39:34

Metallic

I'd like to send and extra squeezy hug to Small Boy.

and I'm not surprised you don't want to use a knife - you can cut a lot of food stuff with scissors actually.

I hope you get a good sleep tonight/tomorrow. x

MetallicHighlights Wed 11-Dec-13 22:58:05

So proud tonight. My gorgeous DD is a very talented singer and managed to pull herself together to perform a solo song and as part of a trio in her gala concert tonight. She was utterly fantastic. Everyone around us was sobbing, even the people behind us who kept having to put up with Small Boy waving round his I Love You Sister sign at every opportunity. The concert was streamed online so all our friends and family could watch it as well. We left Jon's seat free for him - I'm sure he was just as proud as we were.

Zing, have passed on Small Boy's extra squeezy hug. x

PacifistDingDong Wed 11-Dec-13 23:03:12

Metallic, that sounds just lovely - what a great family you all are.
I am always full of admiration of anybody, nevermind a recently bereaved young person, who can stand up and perform anything at all.
Well done, your DD - I am sure her Uncle Jon is very proud of her.

ancientbuchanan Wed 11-Dec-13 23:18:24

Metallic, well done her, real congrats. And appreciatiive hugs to Small Son, what a star. That sibling love has a sure foundation, as you know only too well. Well done for bringing them up like that.

My only experience of your situation comes from reading so I can't offer much help. But it suggests two things, that release of the body takes ages, and that it is dreadful time for relatives. Is there someone in RL whom you could contact to support you and your family through this waiting time?

Like everyone else I am thinking of you and lighting candles in my mind.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Wed 11-Dec-13 23:31:31

So terrible. Wishing you and your family strength.

ZingChoirsOfAngels Thu 12-Dec-13 08:23:24

oh, Teen Girl is just wonderful, isn't she?
so strong! definitely made her Uncle Jon proud!

well done, big hug to her as well!smile

I'm sorry for you loss. What an extraordinary bloke he sounds.

MetallicHighlights Thu 12-Dec-13 22:46:13

Aaaaand role reversal this afternoon, when DD had time out of school to go and watch Small Boy recite his much practised line in their Christmas concert.

thanks again to everyone for kind words. This evening has been particularly hard, with a strong sense of "time to wake up now". Caught myself wondering whether I should wrap up his presents in case he decides to come back for them. DD has had a wobbly evening as well, remembering how she and Jon had such a fit of giggles one night when we were camping that the staff had to come round and warn us. blush. She sobbed because that will never happen again. We have so much support, both in RL and online, but still the pain can be unbearable.

One day at a time.

saffronwblue Fri 13-Dec-13 02:47:42

Of course it is unbearable. So completely unfair and must feel like a nightmare. It sounds as if your dc have a lovely relationship. You must be very proud of them.

ZingChoirsOfAngels Fri 13-Dec-13 10:00:58

sad

ParcelFancy Sat 14-Dec-13 23:33:02

Still thinking of you.

lookout Sun 15-Dec-13 08:40:26

That feeling of things not being real is completely normal, too Metallic. I sometimes still think I'm gonna see my brother walking up the drive to come home. So good that you have lots of support, use it as much as you need.

And yes, one day at a time, the only way to get through this.

PacifistDingDong Sun 15-Dec-13 12:14:18

Thinking of you and wishing you and your family a peaceful Sunday thanks

ZombieFromTheRealmOfGory Mon 16-Dec-13 07:29:41

Zombie sends you more love and (((((( Zombie HUGS )))))), Metallic.

MetallicHighlights Mon 16-Dec-13 19:54:38

thanks to the people who have been checking in on me.

Still feeling like I'm swimming through treacle, still can't seem to really grasp that he's gone or the hideous fact of what happened to him. How can that mass of (admittedly largely useless) information which lurked in his head just not be there any more? Every time I hug my kids I think of my mum - she loved her little boy too, but what's the point if someone comes along and sticks a knife in them and there's nothing, nothing anyone can do to bring them back.

But nearly 2 weeks on and we are getting through the days. Small Boy is counting sleeps till Christmas, while DD sang in another show on Friday, was awesome again and won the Outstanding Student award. We went to the pantomime and I managed not to cry at all, not even when Small Boy dropped his drink all over me.

The body has been released now but I'm not going to see it. Jon would have hated the idea of people seeing him like that. Hoping to have the funeral some time before Christmas and New Year if we can get everything to co-ordinate.

And my lovely colleagues at work pressed an envelope into my hands today, stuffed full with a ridiculous amount of notes and a message to treat the kids to something special. Another make up job ruined! smile

PacificDingbat Mon 16-Dec-13 19:59:46

It is so surreal when life just carries on as if nothing had happened when your whole life is so badly changed sad.

You are still standing, still breathing and doing normal stuff with your kids (who also sound amazing btw). That is all you should expect of yourself just now.
{hugs}

ParcelFancy Tue 24-Dec-13 23:18:29

Metallic, I'm thinking of you and all your family tonight.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Tue 24-Dec-13 23:34:02

Hi, I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you tonight and to let you know that you and your family haven't been forgotten and neither has Jon. I hope you were able to have his funeral before Christmas as you wanted and that it went as well as it could have. Sending you love & strength to keep going xxx

ZingChoirsOfAngels Wed 25-Dec-13 00:03:02

Thinking of you all, I hope Christmas will bring some joy despite your heart break.

x (hugs)

PacificDingbat Wed 25-Dec-13 00:14:14

Sending you peace and love today, Metallic, and strength for the journey ahead.

WoTmania Wed 25-Dec-13 18:39:18

Been thinking if you and your family today Metallic.

MetallicHighlights Sun 29-Dec-13 22:53:39

Thank you. Am not able to post much as we are at my parents' house and the internet connection is woeful.

Jon's funeral is tomorrow. In the end we decided we couldn't do him justice before Christmas, plus it wasn't fair on people who wanted to come from some distance away to drag them over here in the run up to Christmas Day. I went to see him a few days ago which was pretty awful but something I needed to do.

We're having a short ceremony at the Crem at 11, followed by a celebration of his life at our local church. The church hall is now plastered with photos, and some of the groups he was involved with have put up display boards. He will get the best send off we can give him. Please think of us tomorrow.

PacificDingbat Sun 29-Dec-13 22:55:27

I will be thinking of you all, Metallic.

I am sure Jon would be proud of the send of you are giving him.
I hope the day goes as well as these things can be going.
thanks

magimedi Sun 29-Dec-13 23:19:33

I will also think of you tomorrow at 11am - as I am sure many others from here will.

May tomorrow bring you some comfort.

flowers

MetallicHighlights Mon 30-Dec-13 08:55:18

Can't believe we have to say goodbye today.

DD is singing Dad's Song by Set It Off. I hope she manages to get through it.

ParsingFancy Mon 30-Dec-13 10:24:16

Thinking of you all. Sending special singing vibes to DD - but whether she makes it through or not, she'll be expressing how you all feel.

Thinking of you today: hope it's everything you wanted for him. Xx

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Mon 30-Dec-13 13:29:48

I have just seen your post(s). I hope it went as well as it possibly could have - it sounds very well thought out & lovely. You shouldn't have been saying goodbye to him at all - life is unfair xxx

ShellyF Mon 30-Dec-13 13:32:45

Thinking of you and your family

tribpot Mon 30-Dec-13 13:34:08

Thinking of you all.

PacificDingbat Mon 30-Dec-13 14:24:51

I've been thinking of you all on and off all morning.
I am sure your DD did her Uncle Jon proud.
thanks

WhatAPallava Mon 30-Dec-13 20:47:16

Thinking of you OP......xx

Xoticdreamz Mon 30-Dec-13 21:10:51

Thinking of you . Wishing you some relief from the pain .

meisiemee Mon 30-Dec-13 21:15:53

So sorry for you and your family's loss x

Why don't we hear of this on the news, infuriates me, then people this it's such a safe happy country but reality is hidden.

MetallicHighlights Mon 30-Dec-13 22:09:00

We got through it. The tributes were lovely and DD was fantastic. Small Boy wore one of Jon's flat caps and enjoyed all the fuss. Jon's best friends carried him in, all wearing flat caps as well. Loads of people came, family we haven't seen for years - Jon would have loved it.

Still can't get my head round the fact that my little brother was in that box. I miss him so much.

Thanks to everyone who was thinking of us. flowers

tribpot Mon 30-Dec-13 23:52:23

I'm glad you got through it, MetallicHighlights.

ParsingFancy Mon 30-Dec-13 23:55:50

Well done to DD.

thanks

HyvaPaiva Tue 31-Dec-13 00:04:48

thanks

ZingChoirsOfAngels Tue 31-Dec-13 15:24:59

thanks
thinking of you

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Tue 31-Dec-13 15:59:22

<<Big Hugs>>

I'm pleased for DD that she did well, I haven't been brave enough to listen to the track.

It is so very very hard to come to terms with it when someone dies suddenly, let alone in these circumstances. Be kind to yourself x

MetallicHighlights Wed 01-Jan-14 00:26:52

The lyrics are all about saying goodbye to someone who has been an inspiration and father figure, Chipping . How she sang it all I don't know.

And now it's last year that he died. This year, when I'm doing the Christmas photo books and calendars, he won't be in them. Two months since I saw him alive. I feel like I'm racing away from him.

MetallicHighlights Wed 01-Jan-14 00:30:03

Sorry for double post, but I've just seen this is back. Here you go Jon, your very own tardis .

tribpot Wed 01-Jan-14 07:56:53

I tried to post last night but MN was 'not accepting new posts' apparently.

I just wanted to wish you and your family a measure of peace in 2014, Metallic. I know nothing can ever be the same again.

ZingChoirsOfAngels Wed 01-Jan-14 11:22:52

Metallic

I wish you all the best for the New Year - I hope that memories of Jon will eventually delight and make you happy more often than they might make you sad.

I also hope that you can get something done by the end of the year in his memory - whatever it is he'll be proud of you.
lots of love and hugs x

MetallicHighlights Wed 01-Jan-14 16:42:23

Hi Zing , happy new year to you too.

We've decided to change tack a bit with a lasting memorial for Jon. Some of the collection from the service is going to English Heritage, but in the last couple of weeks we've been made very aware of just how much he was liked and respected in the local community so we are looking at something closer to home. He had a large collection of local books / artefacts / postcards and was very much involved with the local lifeboat museum. We're looking at how to put his stuff together and display it as his memorial but also as a resource for the community.

ZingChoirsOfAngels Wed 01-Jan-14 22:44:59

That is a great idea!
And for someone whose love for historical facts is so obvious I'm sure he'll aprove that his collection will be used to educate people and make them think about past and future.

It will be a great project. He'll be with you every step of the way.
thanks

MetallicHighlights Tue 07-Jan-14 22:55:01

Trying so hard to do normal again - kids back in school, me at work. The kids are doing well. Small Boy had a bad eczema flare up which I suspect was stress related, but that's calming down nicely. DD has mock GCSEs coming up, so something that's normal for teens to stress over rather than all the crap of the last few weeks.

I'm failing miserably. Can't concentrate, can't remember, can't even breathe half the time so letting everyone at work down. I ache all the time from physically holding it all in. Can't cry at work, trying not to lose it in front of the kids so that means I get to sob uncontrollably while driving from work to pick up, and then pretty much all night. Adrenalin has worn off, shock's worn off, just permanent misery, fear, images of what happened over and over. I know I've got to be brave, I know time heals and all that, but the present is not a good place.

Xoticdreamz Tue 07-Jan-14 23:58:31

So hard , it's often when you are meant to be back to the " normal " life that it actually feels worse . You can do nothing but try to do your best and cry and grieve as much as you like . Don't hold it in , it will only catch up with you . Sending you many positive thoughts and healing vibes . I know it's so sore and you obviously had such a great bond .

ZingChoirsOfAngels Wed 08-Jan-14 08:21:30

I don't even know what to say.sad I'm so sorry.
there's no normal, not right now.
your lives got shattered, who can blame you for loosing it?

Any chance you have time for bereavement counselling?
Or be able to take compassionate leave?

the only thing about crying while driving is the increased risk of an accident - which you know - which is worrying.
You definitely need to speak to someone - you need to be able to grieve during the day, let it out and you need help so you have the opportunity to do it so.

I tidied up the kids' English Heritage Monopoly yesterday and was thinking about Jon.

Sending you big hugs, I wish I could do more.
thanks

MetallicHighlights Thu 29-May-14 20:40:15

Sorry to resurrect an old thread, but I just wanted to update. Jon's murderer was found guilty yesterday after a three week trial and sentenced to life, with a minimum of 28 years.

Despite overwhelming evidence the killer refused to plead guilty, so the friends who witnessed his death had to relive the experience in the witness box. We heard the pathologist describing how the knife was driven in to a depth of 20 cm. We listened to the 999 call as his friends tried to give CPR while pleading with Jon to stay with them.

Jon died because the killer was jealous of his relationship with his estranged wife and child. The wife was an old flame of Jon's. The killer had hacked her Facebook accounts, hidden webcams in the house, even hidden a dictaphone in her handbag. Had she posted here the cries of LTB would have been deafening. She did leave him 18 months ago. She and her daughter were just about to move in with Jon a year later when he was killed.

My kids are awesome. They're doing brilliantly and I love them to bits. I've been off work for ages but am planning to go back shortly.

We miss Jon every day.

tunnocksteacake Thu 29-May-14 20:42:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess Thu 29-May-14 20:42:57

I really hope there is some closure for you, it's just so desperately sad and the heartache there will always be for your lovely Jon.

CakeUpWall Thu 29-May-14 20:57:22

Thank you for letting us know, Metallic. I still think about your thread, and was wondering how you are all getting on with the reality of daily life. This was so sad, and should never have happened.
thanks xx

oldsnapdragon Thu 29-May-14 21:01:21

I was just reading about this in the paper then saw your thread.

When a close relative of mine died ds looked up in the sky and said "there she is - the brightest star of all". It bought some comfort to me and I hope you and your family have some comfort in all the happy memories you have of your lovely Jon. x

CorporateRockWhore Thu 29-May-14 21:08:47

Metallic I remember your thread, and how wonderful your brother sounded.

I am glad there is a tiny bit of justice now, not that it will ever be what you wanted. xxxx

CrystalDeCanter Thu 29-May-14 21:09:26

Oh Metallic, I remember this thread too. I'm glad the killer was jailed but how terrible for you and your friends and family to have to go through the trial.

Your brothers death should never have happened, it's so sad, such a terrible waste.

How is the wife and her children? What an appalling time she has had too.

I wish you all some peace and closure.

MetallicHighlights Thu 29-May-14 21:22:52

My almost-sister-in-law is a very brave lady and her daughter is a lovely lovely little person who has coped astonishingly well. I don't want to say too much as I know she's been doorstepped today, but they are a big part of our family.

Friends and family have been fab. I'm currently sitting in a damp tent with my bestest friends in the world pouring wine and chocolate down my throat. Just what the doctor ordered.

Mrsmorton Mon 16-Jun-14 19:54:01

OP you may be gone by now but can I just say my jaw never fails to drop at your incredible strength. Amazing, I saw the verdict on this case but is forgotten about your OP I'm sorry. I hope this will help you, I'm not sure how it will but I hope you're doing ok.

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