My mum has gone.(136 Posts)
I'm so sorry but this is going to be very long.
My wonderful mum passed away, aged just 59, in my arms, on Saturday morning at 3.20am, with her children, husband and her closest sister all holding a part of her fragile frame.
She told me she would never forgive me for moving away from my home town, ever. I can't get that out of my head but I hope that now, maybe she will, and in time those words will fail but it was the last thing of any clarity that she said to me.
My parents found out on Wednesday that she had very aggressive lung cancer (Adenocarcinoma) and Lymphangitis which meant it had spread to her lymph nodes, it had taken hold so terribly quickly, (I knew when I saw her a few weeks ago that she had cancer, she had that 'look' and I told my dad that, I knew, I just knew, when he emailed me saying it was a just chest infection and that her MS was causing complications), that she wouldn't have coped with chemo or any kind of treatment come to think of it.
I think that she was fully aware of the fact that she had mere hours and not days, but she sat there telling us all that she was going shopping to get new PJs etc on Monday (today) when we all knew that she'd never see the sun rise on that Saturday morning.
They'd already drained 3 litres of blood from her left lung on Wednesday and said that they'd try to drain more blood from her lungs if she wanted but they said it would reabsorb.....
In other words, they were telling her there was no point putting her through such an uncomfortable procedure, when she only had hours to live.
She was very lucid and alert at times, talking as best she could to us about things that she'd done in her past, the things that we, her children, had gotten up to, and at others she was very distressed as she couldn't breathe.
I sort of pulled rank as my dad had gone for a much needed rest and asked for some metazalan, just to take the edge off her anxiety, she was already on morphine but I knew that we were all just doing palliative care when I walked into her room to find no monitors,, no drips, nothing - 'no alarms and no surprises'.
My aunt and I washed her, massaged her hands and feet as they'd swollen, she'd started to get sores and I asked for her to be catheterised, because she couldn't feel when she was weeing so they'd put pads in her underwear.
She was able to sip water but nothing else. They removed her NG when I got there and it was covered in blood, I was the only one with them in the room.
We took breaks and tried to have some food, always leaving two people with her to help her sit forward when she needed it but as the night drew in, we all knew that it was coming, death, it was so cold in that room and yet so very hot in the rest of the ward.
She grew more pale and but became increasingly restless so again, I asked them for some sedation, they gave her some more morphine, sedation and finally, finally, she stopped fighting and went to sleep. Peace filled the room, the silence was suddenly so loud, we could all hear the 'rattle' and that it wouldn't belong and to be very honest, I was wishing the time away as I watched her change before my eyes.
We all stood, all at once, just before she left us, as if we knew, not saying a word to one another. I was the second to hold her, to save goodbye, my younger sister first, she stopped breathing in my arms and I checked her pulse, told my dad she'd gone, made my brother say goodbye and then dad held her.
He broke down, begging, screaming and pleading with her to come back, asking her what he'd do now? What would her do without her to look after, he needed her, time and again asking her to come back, change her mind.
That was crippling to see. She was only 59. We managed to get him to sit once he'd let that out but I will never, ever forget that or the way she looked when she left her body.
I managed to get some time alone with her once she'd gone, as we waited for the nursing staff to come and arrange her, so I held her close and told her that there would be no more pain, no more medication, or tests, or fear, or worry, no more waking wondering how much her body would ache that day, or go to bed wondering if she's wake and be able to move because of her MS.
I told her that we'd moved to give DD and DS (Nemo, she loved calling him Nemo - our little survivor) a better quality of life and that if we hadn't, Nemo might not have made it because we'd have been assigned to a different hospital and everything happens for a reason.
DD has a boyfriend and is so happy at school, has wonderful friends, and is at last settled here, as are we. I told her to go and find the friends that she'd lost, our family who had gone before her, that they'd be waiting for her and just how much I loved her and always would. The nurses came in and I let them do what they needed.
I told her I'd look after dad and I stayed with him until DH came on Sunday for me at 3.30pm, then we left Dad to grieve, be with her, walk around the house, doing what he had to.
I slept in her sewing room, with her things around me for a few hours and let him sleep until he woke around 1pm, and then people came to see him, quick drink and left, knowing he needed to be left.
Everyone who needed to know, knows, and he has lots of support where he lives, and around but I'm so scared that he may give up, he might just stop. He is so fragile, and so lost without her, his best friend and the love of his life.
I could sense her here on Saturday night, I could smell her hair as they'd showered her and blow dried her hair that morning, before I got there... she wanted to 'look nice for me'
I'm not sure what I'm going to do without my mum, DD (almost 15) knows and dreadfully upset, she was so very close to her, even though we live away from there now. Nemo wouldn't understand. He didn't even ask where she was.... he has a mental age of 2.5/3 even though he's 5 in May so why would he? We'll tell him when he asks and if the time feels right before then.
Sorry for any typos and for such a long sad post but I wanted to let this out, and here was the only place to do that without being scared to say the words I needed to.
I've arranged the flowers and the announcement for the newspaper as my father had asked me to today.... now we just have to wait until next Wednesday when we get to say goodbye one last time.
I know that it won't be my mum in the coffin, it's just the body she was given... I know that she will remain close to us all, even though we live somewhere else now and the fact that she is no longer be in pain, suffering, day in, day out is such a comfort but I know that her leaving hasn't really sunk in yet.
Maybe it will next week......
Thank you for reading this. xx
I'm so sorry, Mouseface.
Oh mouseface I'm so sorry x
What a beautiful heartfelt post Mouse. I am so sorry. x
Huge amounts of strength and best wishes to you from someone who has been in your shoes. Your mother's energy will be with you all for for always.
Oh Mousey. (it's me Bucharest)
So very sorry.
You are such a fighter, it is all so raw now, and must have been a terrible few days for you all.
You will look back on what you wrote up there ^^ and be glad you got it all out.
be brave lovely Mousey. xxx
What a beautiful piece of writing Mouse, your love for your Mum shines out from every word.
No one can say how long it takes for the feeling of loss to sink in, everyone is different but take care of yourself.
I'm so sorry to hear your mum has gone. It sounds like you and your family did a wonderful job of ensuring that in those last few hours she knew she was loved, was comfortable and you all worked so hard to maintain her dignity. I hope that in the days, weeks and months to come you will be able to take positive memories and comfort from those dark hours.
My thoughts are with you and your family
Ah mouse , your love for your mum spills from every word. I am so sorry for your loss.
Oh Mousey, I'm so very sorry to read this. Have messaged you on FB.
Much love to you all x
I'm so sorry for your loss. She sounds like a lovely lady.
What a heartbreaking post but you can tell how loved she was.
I'm so very sorry.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You sound like you had a great relationship with her & this will be a comfort in time. I don't think you ever stop missing them & it does get easier. Keeping you in my thoughts.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Nothing else I can say. x
Mouse - thankyou for that wonderful testimony to your mother. Brought a tear to my eye.
So very sorry for your loss. You are obviously a wonderful daughter and your mother must have lived you very much. Xx
So sorry. Glad it was peaceful and calm and that you got to say goodbye. Take care of yourself and all your family.x
I'm so sorry, cancer is so cruel.
My dm has a terminal cancer diagnosis too, but hopefully still has a while with us. It must be very tough for you that things progressed so quickly with your dm.
Thinking of you and your family x
Mousy my heart goes out to you, hugs my lovely lady X
I'm so very sad to hear this, Mouse. Thinking of you xxx
Huge hugs, Lovely Mouse. xxxxxxxxx
Thinking of you and your family at this sad time <hugs>
What a beautifully touching post Mouse, it made me cry a little. I'm so sorry for you.
Stay brave x
I wish I knew what to say - I'm just so sorry. But so glad you were there at the end.
More Zombie ((((( HUGS ))))) for you darling mouse.
She was so young, Mouse, it is terribly sad. Thinking of you x
So sorry to read this.
But how beautiful that she was surrounded by all that love in her final moments.
Thinking of you.
Thank you for writing it.
Peace and strength xx
How lovely you were all there together.
Those words you can't get out of your head are an expression of her love for you wrapped up with anger at her illness and said in certainty of her knowing the depth of your mutual love and probably not expecting they were some of the last words she said.
Dearest most wonderful Mouse. All I can say is that I send a ton of love to you XX
I'm so very sorry for your loss xx
so sorry Darling xxx
I'm so sorry Mouse
My Dad died in a similar way in 2010. He lasted a week, after he found out, & I had to do a dash from Scotland to Surrey.
To be as loved as your mum was is a beautiful thing.
I hope your heart heals soon.
So sorry luffly. If I could make it better with a magic wand for you I would. I'm sorry I can't but time will.
With love and prayers (if you accept them - not I hope a hug will do).
All will be well lovely - look forward - she knows you did what you did for your dc but she loved you and probably was a bit scared at losing you - instead you lost her but you haven't lost her love.
I am so sorry for your loss xxx
mouse here when you need me
I picture her holding the triplets and looking radiant.
Love to you as always.
So sorry Mouse.
Love and strength to you.
I couldn't read and not tell you how beautiful that was.
As long as she has people who love her and remember her, she's not really gone.
Oh you poor love. I am so so sorry.
I hope you get supported through this horrible time, and that you are surrounded with love
Beautiful, lovely Mousey. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you and your poor dad are going through. It sounds like you have wonderful memories of your mum, remember those and don't dwell on her words about you moving away. She knows that you love her.
My thoughts are with you sweetheart. I'm so very sorry xxx
So sorry to read this.
As time goes on you will be so very grateful that you were able to be with your Mum at the end - it is an immense privilege to be able to be with someone you love so much at their passing. I held my Dad as he died & it still gives me great comfort, over 20 years on.
We would all ask to die with loving arms around us.
What a lovely heartfelt post . I am so so sorry for your loss
I am writing with tears in my eyes as I know the pain ... I lost my mum two years back, she was only 60.Please be brave. May her soul rest in peace .....
mouseface, I am so very sorry about your lovely Mum.
And her telling you that she will never forgive you for moving, that's all just earth stuff, she may have thought she meant it at the time but now she knows better. Where she is now, she can be with you all the time wherever you are. Which may not be much help to you when you can't see her but I have found that if I ask for signs, I get them
Much love to you xx
Wow, so many wonderfully kind responses
I only posted to let it all out and once I started I couldn't stop. I did post last night but it's not here so I don't know where it went.
Last night was awful, maybe because I'd posted the thread, I don't know but I kept dreaming that I could see my mum, she was just across the road and waving at me but I couldn't find anywhere to cross safely and she was always really adamant that we always used a safe crossing etc....
I walked, using my crutches trying to find a safe stop but lost her between cars, lorries, shops, people were stopping me to ask for help and I'd help them and then try to find her again.
I could feel tears on my face, I could smell her, feel her, it was such a strong pull, I had to find but could not get to her...
Please tell me that this will stop.
Today I am keeping an appt at a lovely spa because I know that if I'd had cancelled, she'd be cross. I'll be back at lunch time so will get a good 4 hours of 'me' time. I have a book and a facial booked.
I hope that this time out from all of the arrangements, from thinking about next week, will give me some respite and that makes me feel even more selfish
I should be upset, I should be grieving and sad. Not at a spa..........
I just want this to stop, just for one day.
Nemo asked when we were going to Grandma's house because we have a hospital appt on Friday in Manchester at the Children's Hospital. We'd always stop off to see Grandma and play on out way home......
He didn't even notice she wasn't there on Saturday. I doubt he will on Friday. I'm not sure how I'll feel...... I know I shouldn't think about it until the day, or should I?
I know that this is very much like everything else in my life, I have to take things One Day At A Time.
Thank you all so very much for your kindness and support, you have no idea how much reading these posts, especially from those of you who 'know' me, mean.
I'm just lost.........
Mouse sweetheart, I'm so, so sorry. I've been thinking about you and I hope you find some peace of mind soon. You're such a strong lady and you know from past experiences that you just have to go through it as best you can in your own way. ((Hugs)) from me x
Oh lovely girl, I am so sorry x
I am so sorry Mouse.
Much love to you and your family.
Don't worry about Nemo and the Friday appointment now. If he asks, tell him what you can/ think is appropriate. Take his lead on it.
Don't feel guilty about your spa time. You need some breathing space, sweets, you really do. Grrr your strength up a bit.
So sorry for your loss Mouse - thinking of you and your family.
My dear mouse I am so sorry for you and your families loss. My own DM's passing 25 years ago was so like you have described. My DF did just as yours. Like your DF my DM had been the love of his life. All I can say is I hope that in time that deep love they had for each other will bring him comfort instead of pain as it does for my DF. Thinking of you all xxx
Just saw your post above mouse you should go to the spa, of course you should. The dreams, the feelings of guilt because you are alive and your loved one isn't are just continuous and overwhelming at first I found.
They do get less until sometime in the future you realise the memories are a positve and comforting thing and the pain and heartache have passed.
As you said mouse you have to go forward ODAAT. Hugs xx
I'm so sorry mouse x
Thank you though for your beautiful post, I feel you are teaching me things I will need to know one day.
You are an amazing daughter and mother too. It's never easy to balance all those different things but you did your best to make the right choices.
I think you're lovely and hope you find a bit of peace at the spa for a few hours today.
Will be thinking of you this week
I'm so sorry Mouse. You have a gift for writing, your posts are a beautiful tribute to your mum. I can feel your loss while I'm reading them. My heart goes out to you. Please don't feel guilty about the spa time, use it as a way to rejuvenate yourself and give you strength xx
I am so sorry Mouseface. You wrote about her so well. Beautiful post.
Oh mouseface - oh my lovely
Big big hugs from the other mouse. Been through similar. Can talk/listen if desired. Will pm you on fb xx
Thank you all for your lovely replies....
I went to the spa, I tried to enjoy it, enjoy the time 'off'. I found myself thinking of mum, and how the warm water in the hydro pool and the lovely 'day' beds would be so good for her, she'd love being massaged and just having her pain eased, MS is another cruel disease to live with
My dad has just text to say that mum is now 'safe with the funeral director now, he'll look after her until next week'
The thing that my dad didn't know is that we (DH and I) know the director and have for 8 years.... coincidence? He, the director, called yesterday and said that he had no words... I told him it was his job to have the words! <weak smile>
He promised me as he does countless others that he'd look after her for me. My sister has been to chose an outfit for her to where, the cardigan that she wore when her first grandchildren were born, her favourite navy trousers and a smart navy blouse.
I have just put Nemo to bed, and reminded him that we're going to see Grandad on Friday when we go to the hospital, he said - "Will Gma be there?" I said no, not anymore sweetheart, it's just Grandad that lives there now, Gma's things are there but you won't see her at the house....
He said "Did Gma XXXXX (surname) die mamam?" "Is she dead now?"
I just broke down. I told him yes but that she'd always love him, always be able to see him and that he can still play with all of the toys...... Gma has the BEST collection of Happy People stuff from the ELC
Bless him, he might not really understand, with his LDs and SNs but that was the hardest bedtime I've ever had with him, trying not to soak his pillow with silent tears......
I need to thank you all again for your PM's and FB messages, you are all helping, really, you are.
I am going to talk to my MIL tomorrow and let her know about everything, she wants to come to the funeral but can't and feels so bad.... I need to let her know it's okay and that I love her so much just for wanting to be there. She's so lovely. I mean really lovely.
I have to go..... EastEnders was my mum's favourite programme and tonight's story made me weep because she always wanted that to happen, I won't spoil it for those who have recorded it or who watch it and haven't seen it yet! But get the tissues ready.
Dad is calling tomorrow with some more details, my uncle wants to say some words, he's in media so is good at that sort of thing, he wrote Harmonie Granger's Autobiography! So, I have some notes from the hospital, the things that mum said that had us in stitches, especially when the morphine and meds kicked in. Very Peter Kay!! We even had to watch Bullseye as that was the only thing that the tv could pick up!!
Anyway, night all..... thank you so much for all of the support. You are so lovely xxxxxx
Sorry for any typos etc, I'm shattered xxxx
More cards and flowers are arriving. How come the genuine kindness of others can hurt so much?
The poor Yodel delivery man just had a snotty, crying Mouse on his shoulder.
A very lovely friend (you know who you are <coughs> - PurpleWolfe) has just sent this to me which I'm going to forward to my dad to see if he would like it read out too.
Nemo is off school today after being very poorly last night with a very high temp, crying in pain with a headache and just sobbing himself to sleep. Bless him, he's just lay on the sofa with me and we're snuggling today. I'm crying much more today and I'm not sure if that is good? I guess so but not around him.
He keeps asking if I'm sad or happy, which kind of tears I have in my eyes, he keeps just coming up to me and holding my hand.
Here are the words -
Now that I am gone
Remember me with smiles and laughter
And if you need to cry,
Cry with your brother or sister
Who walk in grief beside you.
And when you need me,
Put your arms around anyone
And give them what you need to give me.
There are so many who need so much.
I want to leave you something -
Something much better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people I've known
Or helped in some special way.
Let me live in your heart
As well as your mind.
You can love me most
By letting your love reach out to our loved ones,
By embracing them and living in their love.
Love does not die, people do.
So, when all that's left of me is love,
Give me away as best you can.
Another friend has just PMd me this lovely piece which I'll post below in a mo........
Also and my damn mobile has broken. I've not got a spare and have to take it into an O2 store to get it fixed. Why?
Why now. I haven't been out of the house since I go home. I don't want to talk to anyone. See anyone. Now I have no choice as my family are all over the UK. I could really do without this and it has to be me as it's registered to me, so DH can't take it. They aren't even that nice in that shop or they weren't the last time they had to restore it... I can't afford a new phone and haven't got time to get one plus I have all of my mum's texts on there,
Her number, pictures........
Here are the lovely words I want to share with you. Thank you dear Thurso. xxxxx
Where do they go to, the people who leave?
Are they around us, in the cool evening breeze?
Do they still hear us, and watch us each day?
I'd like you to think of them with us that way.
Where do they go to, when no longer here?
I think that they stay with us, calming our fear
Loving us always, holding our hands
Walking beside us, on grass or on sand.
Where do they go to, well it's my belief
They watch us and help us to cope with our grief
They comfort and stay with us, through each of our days
Guiding us always through life's mortal maze.
2 lovely poems there mouse, thanks for sharing them with us
Good that Nemo understands as much as he does I think?
Sounds like he's been very sweet with you x
He has, he's very clingy, really wants to stay in bed with me xxx
Long chat with Dad just now, taken it out of me, can't stop crying.
Can barely see to post. xxx
Oh mouse what lovely poems - thank you for taking the time to post them here. So many of us have been through a similar experience yet it still surprises me how comforting it feels to read something that resonates.
The rawness of your pain will soften a little eventually and yet the brightnes!s of happy memories can remain vivid.
You are a brilliant mother and friend, and that is part of your Mum's legacy. To you, and to many others who benefit from your care and your love.
Oh venus you've set me off again!
The annoucement went into the local paper today, my family have been calling all day thanking me for doing my mum justice. I've not seen it as we're not near but my sister is going to get a copy for me to keep in her memory box. I can view it online I think too.... I'm not sure.
I've had to go to school to sit in Nemo's Annual Statement Review, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be to be honest... over quickly, but still upsetting to have to face people being nice to me.
I think when death touches your life, that's the only time that the kindness of others show is the last thing that you may want. I know that it is for me.
Last night my friend brought round a meal for two, with a bottle of wine. How lovely and thoughtful is that? Bless her. DH opened the door, I just can't face my friends. Even on the phone is hard. I feel bad texting or emailing etc but as soon as I hear the sorrow in voices I start again.
My dad has asked me to do the order of service booklet and put something together for the funereal director, we're going to see him tomorrow.... on our way back from a hospital appt. The man taking the service is seeing dad now, so I know he'll want to go through things with me tomorrow too. I'm so proud of my dad, he's doing mum proud, he really is. The love he holds for her will never die.....
I've also finalised a few things with the funeral director today. Things are coming together and I just need this to be done now.
Last night I had another dream that mum was here, in the house in one of the rooms but each room I went into, was empty but I could hear her calling my name. Not shouting, just calling me like you would if you're looking for someone.
I woke up crying. I could see her so clearly that I thought this morning that it was all a bad dream. When I was young, I used to dream of her dead, I used to see her and know she was dead, it was a recurring dream...... I really hope that one doesn't start again.
DH is a real rock, he is so strong. Thank the Lord I have him x
So so sorry for your loss Mouse xx
Mouse Nathan was 18 months old when my MIL died. He was in the room when it happened and refused to go to sleep - he just knew. Ever after whenever dh cried he pootled over, patted his cheek and made soothing noises. He spent the entire funeral emptying a bag of nappybags...
As long as they are allowed to see what is going on and don't have to guess at it I believe kids cope well with adult tears.
Oh MadMouse - They just know don't they? I think Nemo more so than DD..... he senses so much more because other parts of him are less up to speed if that makes sense? xxx Give him a squidge from me xxx
Big hugs to you all, and thanks xxx
Mouse, Zombie is thinking of you every day and sending you all the love and strength she can. xxx
Thanks Zombie - I'm guessing that I know you outside of MN? Head is f''cked just now. Sorry if I don't know you outside of MN but you are luffly
Thank you, thank you all xxx
Mouseface So sorry to hear your news
my thoughts are with you mouse
We've just arrived in a very grey, cold and wet Manchester. This time last week we were in a different part, different hospital, not knowing it would be the last time I'd ever see or hold my mum.
Mouse, I'm so very sorry. Your post is beautiful and brought a tear to my eye x
Wishing you and your family continued strength not just now but also in the future...So sorry for you loss.
So very sad to read about your Mum. Sending my families love to your family. For what its worth I dont think we should hide our sadness from our children. It teaches them that its fine to show emotions. I think that children see everything, including death, in either black or white, as long as they are not lied to (because they know fibs instantly) they will grow more confident. Us adults 'swim' in the grey bit between the black or white. We think of the 'what ifs' and the 'if onlys' - wish we could be more child like.
Your precious Mum was so young - only two years older than me. I cant imagine your grief. My parents are both very seriously ill - my beloved Dad has oral cancer I know that in a short time I will be where 'you are now.' When the time comes I will read this thread again and draw strength and comfort from it.
My Dad and I talked the other day. He is so scared. I said to him 'Oh Dad can you imagine the wonderful welcome you are going to get? Your Mum who loved you beyond anything or anybody else, your 3 aunties and my two sons trying to push their way to the front to see their lovely Grandad.' He thought for a little while and said 'I never thought of it like that love, I will look after your boys like I did when they were with us and keep them safe till the day we are all re-united.'
If you ever need to talk just PM on here - will always listen xxx
Very best and warmest hugs to you Mouse. Your dear Mum will live in your heart for ever. I lost my darling dad 5 years ago and I dream of him all the time. I still wake up crying. But slowly it's starting to be a part of my life that has to go on.
That post was beautiful. Thinking of you and sorry for your loss xx
I'm so sorry for your loss, Mouseface.
Thinking of you and your family x
So very sorry for your loss.
Sitting here in years, you write beautifully. Brought back a lot of memories.
What a very lovely conversation to have with your Dad, Shabba x
Like you I feel I have much to learn from Mouse's lovely post and thread.
Hope the weather picks up a bit in Manchester mouse - it's been very windy here today.
At 3.20am, this time last week, I was holding my mum for the final time. By now, she'd lost her biggest, toughest and most brutal battle so far.
I woke at 3.14am to Nemo calling for me. I wasn't really sleeping. I could sense her, mum. I knew the time was almost upon me. Funny how your mind works.
Thank you all so much. xxx
Oh Mouse I haven't been around much recently so I didn't see your post. I'm so sorry. She was so young too.
Grief is uncharted territory for all of us. There is no right or wrong way to go about it - you just get through it in whatever way makes sense to you. (Although not much makes sense about grief, to be honest)
When my mum died (she had cancer, but died from organ failure after contracting an infection, so it was horribly quick), my dad talked about dreaming about her a lot. And I was jealous because she wasn't in my dreams, and I so wanted her to be. Silly thing, really.
Please look after yourself. Don't try and do too much, and be kind to yourself. And let other people be kind and help you as well.
With much love to you all xxx
Shabba, I think that too. Mouse, take care - a week is the first anniversary - the anniversaries are tough but the hurt fades as the happier times and memories surface. And they do xx
by Linda Ellis copyright 1996
I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
from the beginning…to the end.
He noted that first came the date of her birth
and spoke of the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.
For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not, how much we own,
the cars…the house…the cash
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.
So, think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
that can still be rearranged.
If we could just slow down enough
to consider what’s true and real
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.
And be less quick to anger
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we’ve never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect
and more often wear a smile,
remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.
So, when your eulogy is being read,
with your life’s actions to rehash…
would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent YOUR dash?
Just remembered this poem and thought to myself that I think your Mum lived her 'dash' very well xxxxx
Thank you everyone for you kind words
BIWI - please don't apologise and thank you for telling me about your mum, there were lots of complications with mum, she had so many other 'illnesses' and health problems over the years, that in just a few short months, she'd started to become thinner, looked 'ill' more often than not. Have bad days where she would slur because of the MS and have horrid muscle cramps, I started to see a change in her, and I didn't like it. Not one bit.... bless you for posting xxx
Shabba - oh sweetheart, your post about your parents, particularly your poor dad, moved me to tears. I think living with the knowledge that you are going to lose a loved one and then waiting for them to go, is one of the cruelest things a person has to endure.
The not knowing 'when' must be torturous, not knowing if it will be the day you wake, the day you planned to meet a friend, to be somewhere, to continue your life because you have to, not knowing if when the phone rings it's going to be someone asking you to get there, I just can't imagine Shabba.
I think the fact that although I knew mum was seriously ill, at the start of November when I saw her before she passed away really shocked me. I was so scared and certain that she had cancer. She had this look about her that I can't explain.
Her face was different, salo, empty. It eats you up from the inside and takes so much from people, those with it and those watching their loved one.
I emailed my dad and told him how I felt. The opening line in his reply was 'She does NOT have cancer'
Turns out, she did, and lots of it.
I had around 14 hours with her before she took her last breath in my arms. Holding her and caring her before she left felt so natural. I washed her faced for her with some wipes, the staff had bathed her and blow dried her hair which smelt so nice, I massaged her feet, legs and arms with E45 cream and my Auntie helped too.... I gave her mouth care, using wet sponges and helped her to sip water.
Just those few little, simple things helped me to deal with the situation, just as caring for Nemo when he was in PICU fighting for his life had years ago.
Shabba - do you know how long your dad has left? It must crush your heart to hear him say how scared he is of dying but I really do hope that by telling him that loved ones will be waiting for him, to guide him forward, and take the pain away, the fear, the sorrow that he must feel for 'letting you down/leaving you' is of some comfort to him.
I think because I had no real time to prepare myself fully, although I knew deep down that my mum would never leave that hospital bed alive, I just got on with it IYSWIM?
My dad had been going every day, she was admitted via A&E the Sunday before so had been in for a few days. I knew that but little else as "I've enough on my plate with my disability and caring for Nemo" so only ever got told half the story if any of it at all, plus the fact that we're no longer 10 minutes from my dad......
There's so much that I wanted to tell her before she left, out loud, but in a way I guess I did, I told her lots when I was waiting for the nurses to come, it was just us in the room then, but I wish I'd told her more often that I love her.
I wish I thanked her more for her continued love and support, even when she knew it would end in my tears, or I was not thinking straight, she'd support me, always. I always wrote it in cards, Mother's Day, birthdays etc....... and I'd tell her I loved her on the phone.
We're so alike though so maybe that's why at times we'd both wait for the other to call, almost a 'She knows where I am if she wants to talk to me' even though I could talk to her for hours.
The song 'Living Years' by Mike and The Mechanics was one of her all time favourites, the words made her cry. Both of her parents are still alive and saw her every week, without fail when they could.
I hope that they told her how much they loved her, how much she meant to them as their eldest daughter.
So, in three days, I am going to be saying 'Bye for now mum, I love you and know I'll see you some day, I promise. Please go and find the boys and look after them, they're waiting for you, (we lost triplets at 16wk gestation), so is Great Gran, Grandad, (her FIL) and all of those other wonderful people that we've lost along the way' to her.
In those moments, when it was just us in that room, I knew that the entire world would keep turning, people would be at work, children at school, some sleeping, others will be leaving this world too and others will be entering it.
I know that between now and Wednesday my life will go on, in a bubble almost.... I'll still be me, doing my jobs, pottering around to keep busy, planning what to where and sending my memories to the Humanist who is taking the service.
I've designed the 'booklet' (or whatever it's called) for people to have with a picture of my mum, dad and DD, mum's holding Nemo when he was just a few months old.
I'll change what I'm wearing so many times and then go back to my original choice.... DD's not coming so I want her to be okay, I think her friend is coming back from school with her, I just know that I have to keep busy.
Thank you all again for posting to me. I might be a bit wobbly between now and Wednesday so forgive me for waffling on and on....
Sorry for the epic post, again.
I'll light a candle for you Shabba and for all of you who are losing someone you love, and for those of you who are remembering loved ones as you read this. Sorry for any typos.
Also, thank you for the poem Shabba xx
In the OP, I put that my DH came to get me on the Sunday, it was actually the Saturday. Sorry.
So sorry and very sad for you.
Dad was told in March that he had untreatable aggressive oral cancer. Specialist couldn't give him a 'time' but said that he thought it would be a matter of weeks. Today he looked resigned to things. Him & Mum are still living in the family home and doing OK. I am totally on edge all day thinking about them and we visit often. Thank you for your kind words - they mean a lot to me. xxx
Forgot to say Mum has Alzheimers that has been kept 'under control' with what she calls her 'magic tablets' for the last couple of years. She is panic stricken about Dad and keeps asking me what is wrong. She thinks he has an absess and that the dentist will sort it out, even though we have told her it is cancer she has forgotten. I just go along with her because its not fair to remind her every day. I worry for her if Dad goes first. xxx
Shabba - I'm worried about Dad, he screamed "what will I do without you?" and that broke my heart.
I need to go to bed. I can't think about this tonight but I've yet to write my piece about her.... I need to sit quietly once the boy is in school tomorrow.
Night lovely. xxx
It must be so hard for him - no matter how long they have been married. Next year, in August, my parents have been married 60 years, and in March Mum will be 80. I dont think they will both make it to those special dates.....but I am determined that we, as a family, will have a party on both dates.
Good night love. xx
Oh Shabba - life is so shite. It really, really is, you must be so scared. Bless your heart. Trapped between two lost parents, both fighting to stay themselves, stay with you, stay alive
My DH has to take care of Nemo and is going to bring my best friend to the Crematorium for me, she lost her mum at the end of August last year and is PG.
So, whilst she will be my 'shoulder' for the day, it will be very, very hard for her to sit through the day.... and I'll always be grateful for journey she is making (long drive) just to be with me, DH and Nemo.
She's Nemo's Godmother, not that we are religious as such but we felt we had to thank 'someone' for having Nemo make it through this far, win every fight.
Shabba - the not knowing, no timescale must have you on a knife edge.... I'm so sorry...
Today I managed to write some words about my mum, I'm going to post them if I may, I know none of you 'knew' her but I want to share them with those of you who don't mind, if you do, please just ignore....
"Mum was the most determined woman I ever had the pleasure of having in my life. If I had to go into a shop and chose a mum, I'd chose her. Every time.
She sacrificed so many things for my sister and I during her early years as a mother, before she met our wonderful dad (Stepdad but only by name). She saw her role in life as making sure that we were always warm, clothed, fed, happy and safe.
No matter what affect that would have on her own life, sitting in the dark to save the electricity, going without food so that we didn't have to, saving for months and months so that we always had presents for our Birthdays, Christmas and Easter.
However, I remember one year, we got 22 Easter eggs each! My sis and I had never made so many chocolate crispy cakes!
These memories may make some of you feel sad, but for me, they help me to understand the kind of person that mum was, and I hope that I too can walk in her shoes, and do her justice by being a mother just like her, for my own beautiful children.
She'd nurse us when we were ill, hold us when we were scared, put 'magic cream' on our cuts and bumps and always had a way of making everything better. She'd always be in our corner and was a true fighter.
Mum gave everything she had to overcome the hurdles that life had started the throw at her, as her illnesses progressed, she refused to be beaten, refused to give in, refused to let her pain stop her from smiling, her bravery helped her to hide her fear and sorrow.
It seems so sad that we couldn't do the same for her, we couldn't fight her corner for her, we couldn't help her win this battle, this one last battle. This one she had to fight alone and was the one that was just too hard.
Mum would never tell us how to live our lives, or what to do, she'd sometimes have to watch her children go through something awful so that we'd understood the consequences of our own actions, but she would always, always be there to catch us when we fell, and to make everything better again.
She'd always say to me - 'you like to do things the hard way don't you' And she was right, but the hard way has taught me so much, about life, love and who I really am.
She'd say to me that Nemo was given to us because 'The Powers That Be' knew that I, with the support of my own husband and daughter, could give him every part of me when it was needed, just like she did.
She knew that he was sent to the 'right' family, who'd love him unconditionally, as she loved all of us, and that we'd do everything in our power to help feather his wings, make him strong and watch him fly along his chosen path in life, just as it should be.
She told me that she was proud of me, and when I asked why, she replied 'for not walking away, for never giving up and for the dedication and love you have deep within you to make sure that your children know that they are equally loved'
Her love for her family and friends was so very strong, she was our glue, she would always pick us up, dust us down and tell us it was going to be okay, and she was right, it was, it was always far more than okay.
So, now that she has left this world, for one with no pain, no fear, no sadness or worry, I will continue to love those around me unconditionally, just as she had loved me. Unconditionally.
I love you so much mum, and I know that I'll see you again one day. But can you do me a favour please? Behave until I get there!"
The above will be read out on Wednesday, I may cry lots at this point, my brother and sister have also wrote something about her....
I miss her so much. Dad has gone out with the 'lads' (Picture a group of 60+ men, drinking mild in the local!) tonight because he needs to be kept busy.
Tomorrow night, he'll be walking around the house, thinking of mum, telling her it's okay, that he'll see her 'tomorrow' and that he'll always love her.....
I love that he 'talks' to her.
I love that he's my dad. I hope I have him in my life for many, many years to come.
At first I was scared that he'd die of a broken heart, that night, that awful night when mum passed. I thought he'd brake. He hasn't, he won't. He is my hero.
Night all, special hugs to those who are suffering too xxx
Excuse typos - the man reading the words will correct it
I have never read such beautiful, heartfelt words. You described my parents in every word - I think we have both been very lucky to have amazing parents....many kids dont have xxxx
You have taken my breath away with your words xxx
Beautiful words about your own special mother Mouse, and about all mothers - it's so often a slightly unappreciated thing, being a Mum, but you have shown how you appreciate and value every little bit of it - from magic cream for knees to unconditional love
mouseface, when your ready come over to the thread about having lost a parent/parents xxx
mouseface, nothing would of stopped me from being with you yesterday. The piece you wrote was beautiful as was the ceremony, your mum was so loved, you just had to see the amount of people that came to say goodbye. You your sisters and brother and all her grand children are a testament to what a marvelous lady she was, my tears held off till the drive home. I hope I didn't freak nemo out too much by being at grandads house! his little face was a picture love you lots sweetheart, catch up on some rest and look after yourself and your lovely dad, speak soon.Xx
Thinking about you and all your family. It sounds as though yesterday was a very fitting tribute to your precious Mum. xxxxxx
Hello you lovely lot.
Cathpip - I couldn't have gotten through yesterday without knowing you were there, even though I didn't have you next to me, simply knowing you were there was enough, until I could find you again. I'm glad that you were there with my lovely FIL, he was dreadfully upset that my MIL couldn't be there too.
I could not believe just how many people were there, people stood, crammed in at the back, people outside waiting as there simply wasn't room!
People who I've not seen for years...... People who have lost loved ones since I last saw them, people like you lovely Cathpip who know exactly what it's like to lose your mum or a close loved one, it must have been hard for you to keep that brave face on for me.... You did a wonderful job, and no Nemo was fine with you being at my Dad's. He did ask where your two were though!
Thank you for driving all that way, I love you and will talk to you soon xxx
I'm going to move over to the 'Lost Parent' Thread soon, once I've said all I've had to say here, thank you for the kind invite ssd x
Shabba - how are you today, I thought of you lots yesterday thinking that some day soon, you'll be writing something similar.... hearing my words read aloud was a bit surreal but everyone said that they were lovely and summed her up perfectly.
I hope that you're as okay as you can be Shabba - you must be so scared each day, waking and not knowing if today is the day? Big hugs to you xxx
Today DH is poorly, (really, not ManFlu ™) so slept in the guest room. Nemo asked where he was this morning and I said "Daddy's poorly sweetie, he's got a horrible cough" and he replied "Oh NO!"
I said "What sweetie?"
He replied "Grandma had a cough and she died, is Daddy going to be died too now?"
I had to fight so hard to fight back the tears.
Why are children like that? He meant no mallace and was really worried about his dad and I had to reassure him without him seeing the tears rolling down my face. So each time someone is ill, is he going to think that they'll die?
He will think that - but only for a little while. Children only see 'black' or 'white' - you have to just keep reassuring him that things are going to be OK. Please never worry about crying in front of him. Your sadness and emotions will not hurt him in any way - as long as you explain - I used to say to my eldest DS after his brothers died 'I cant stop crying, in fact I am getting on my own nerves' he would smile and say 'I cant stop either its because we loved them so much that we are crying' - I have asked him about this many times and he always says 'Im glad you showed me it was fine to cry, be angry, be happy etc'
Your emotions will be raw at the moment my friend. Massive lows and then highs - not being able to process things in your mind - feeling tired all the time but not being able to sleep.
I hate that I can't sleep. I can't sleep with my disability and the nightmares on top, sleep each day is becoming something of a stranger and yet I want to sleep more than anything but my mind has other plan.
Anyway - I need to go, try to empty my head before closing my eyes, thank you again, just for being you Shabba xxx
Night all xxx
Hello lovely people.
To those who have posted on here and given so much support, thank you.
I just wanted to say that I'm going to join the thread for those who have lost a parent/s but that I will check back here, I might not be posting so much.
I'm sat in front of the Christmas tree as I type this out. Brave face and all that for the DC.... emotional rollercoaster doesn't even begin to come close to it, does it?
Thank you all so much xxx
I'm so sorry Mouse.
I know sorry isn't enough and isn't right, but it's all I can say.
I am so lucky I have never had to see death - not with a human anyway.
But my Mum saw her father die when I was 2 and she has told me she has never been the same again. Just something changed - her optimism/vibrance, she says it isn't the same. Yet she wouldn't change being there with him in his last minutes in the world.
One of the last things my Granddad said was to give his eyes to me. I have a visual impairment and in his last stages of Cancer, he didn't really understand that it couldn't be done but he wanted it to so so much.
I only have a very vague memory of him, but he was lovely. My Granddad and uncle (Dad's brother) passed away within 9 months of each other that year and it's truly heartbreaking.
All I can offer is what you have already said; she's no longer in any pain and has nothing to worry about.
I was once told that the passed have nothing to be sad about, it's only those that are left behind that feel helpless, sad and grief and it's very true.
Whether you are religious or not either way your mother is feeling no pain and I am sure her last moments were spent the best they could have been, considering the circumstances.
My thoughts are to you and your beautiful family.
Oh Gimme - such a wonderful thing that your Grandfather said and wanted for you...... how sad too. What a lovely man. That has warmed my heart xxx
I still don't think losing my mum has really sunk in yet, it's only been a few weeks.... I don't want Christmas to come, I don't to see my Dad upset, lost and alone. I spoke to him (Dad) on the phone last night, I hadn't spoken with him since the funeral on Wednesday, where does the time go? It all blurs into one..... time becomes nothing but light and dark in my day......
It's like being in a fog or a void.... some sort of limbo and middle world that exists between life and death, it's hard to describe. I find it hard to grasp that my Mum is really never going to see her Grandchildren grow up, see her son marry, have children.....
And then there's the other side if the coin where you have to be thankful that those 14 precious hours I had with her, laughing and joking at times but also watching her fade away.......
It's just so hard some days to move forward.
Oh love - you are 'swimming in the thick treacle' of the newly bereaved. Its so hard. When you wake up and for a few seconds you forget and then it piles into your mind and its back to square one.
Mouse just wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my thoughts every day.
There are quite a few books for young children which aim to help them understand grief, their own and others. Some of them are 'workbooks' which can be done together with a supportive adult. I thought of these when you mentioned about Nemo worrying for his dad.
This one, When Someone Very Special Dies might be good for him, or there are others that you can look at.
Thank you Faire and Shabba
My DH, DD and Nemo are all ill and I'm exhausted! Coughs are horrific for trying to sleep.
I bought a 'For Grandad at Christmas' card this week, not to Grandma and Grandad card, and a Dad card, not Mum and Dad.............. so shit.
Night all I'm, going to try and post on the parent thread soon, I've lurked and seen how lovely they all are, I just have to be brave xxx
Night all. Special hugs Shabba - update me if you get chance sweetheart xxx
mouse - I hope that you all feel better soon - do any of you need to get something to help from the Drs?
Hello lovely Mistle
I'm going to the docs on Monday and I'm going to tell him about my mum dying, he's been my GP for 8 years so he knows me very well, he's my 'unofficial' rock on the medical side of my life. He's helped me lots with pain management etc over the years.
DH is going too as he has a lump <wibble> that moves when he coughs, so it could be a hernia. He always has a horrid cough, I mean really horrid. Deep and so loud.
DD is run down and much brighter today and Nemo seems to be on the right side of his cough now. He's got reflux and hasn't a one single reflux free month/week/day this year, he has really suffered with his secretions!
His feeding tube doesn't help him. I think that gets covered in thick mucus and blocks his nose more. Roll on the summer! Even though summer this year he was as bad. Winter is worse. He has a nurse who sees him every couple of weeks so we're good on that front.
Thank you for asking. That is lovely of you xxx
I am making DH's life hard I know, he's not sure what to do for the best..... or what he's going to be met with each time he speaks to me. We're snappy. I'm snappy.
Nasty or nice or meh....
Things are so fraught at times. I want to close my eyes and it all to go away.
I'm very glad to hear that the children are feeling better - at least with them less poorly its not quite so difficult to look after them - which hopefully will mean that your DH will get a bit more rest.
Its not surprising that you're snappy with all that you've got on and had on your plate recently. I think talking it through with the Dr is a very good idea and its certainly better for your DH to go if he's got a lump that's worrying. I hope all goes well on Monday and will be thinking of you then.
Good idea about seeing the GP. I turned down help that was offered after my sons died......put on the pin on smile and pretended that I was 'fine thanks!!' Quite possibly one of the most ridiculous things I have ever done.
Im off to my parents house......Mum says the whole house needs 'bottoming' for Xmas!!! Dad slipped down his drive last night....their house is raised up off the main road and they have steps (with a hand rail fitted especially for them) or the drive.....his little great grand-daughter was visiting with her Daddy and he insisted on holding her hand and going down the drive. He says he is OK!! Also two of his teeth have fallen out this week....so very sad.....he has oral cancer so I suppose this has to be expected. My hero....my first love
Hope you get some help fom the GP - take anything he offers xxxxx
Oh Shabba - we are so alike! So much pain...
We lost triplets at 16wks gestation. I know that we didn't get to 'meet' them as such but DH is putting the Christmas lights on their little tree tomorrow
I've been in bed ALL DAY. With and without Nemo at times, it was lovely, I was up with him last night, he was sick and very distressed.
We'd had little sleep, so had a 'bed' day whilst DH did the housework, God love him, and walked the dog, cooked his dinner and made sure DD was ok, fed, watered etc, plus he took Nemo to the park and to feed the ducks so that I could rest.
I spoke to my Dad tonight... he wants me to help write the words that are going on the plaque that will go where Mum's going to finally rest, in a lovely Garden Of Remembrance at the Crematorium.
He told me I'm very good with words, so I'm honoured.
I told him that I had bought my Christmas cards.... he said that he found the card that my Mum had bought for him. She'd not written it yet, but the words inside were always ever so carefully chosen, to reflect how she felt/feels? about him..... loved.
I broke down at that point. I want to see her. I want my Dad to see her, one last time, to say what was unsaid all of those times...
Except for the fact that if we got that 'one last time' we'd want another, and another, and some more............
So, when Dad gets here next Sunday, we'll hug and cry, love and laugh... my sister and her four children, brother and his partner, and my Dad's Mother are going to be at Mum & Dad's for Christmas dinner at the house, the home that I grew up in, where I was loved unconditionally, for years and years... Just as it should be.
At first he (Dad) wanted to be alone, or just go see his own Mum, now he'll have a houseful, which is what Mum always loved.... Busy, noisy, family! I just hope he can cope.
Living an hour and 20 away, I'll only get to hear about it, which does hurt a little but then again, I doubt I'd cope being around the table without my Mum, she was the heart of the family, the pulse, the rhythm and the flow....
Anyway, I need to go to bed. I need to ask for sleep to come and envelop me....
I'm going to speak to the Doc tomorrow. My Dad's been given sleepers and signed off until January 6th.... which is great news to me.
He has to rest and grieve and then he has to start to move. In which direction is up to him, but he has to move. I miss him too.
Goodnight kind friends, for posting and supporting me.
Your words help more than you know.
I'll update you tomorrow. I doubt that the Doc will prescribe anything given the about of medication that I already take for my pain and disability. We'll see.
Thank you again for responding and caring. xxx
Mouse I am so so sorry for your loss.
Thinking about you, especially at this
bloody difficult time of the year. Sending my love and thoughts to you xxxx
Thinking about you on this most difficult of all days - bloody New Years Eve!!!!
Nothing else to say that doesn't sound 'stupid and wrong' just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts
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