my baby girl died.

(176 Posts)
SupermansBigRedBottleOfSpirits Fri 15-Nov-13 16:54:48

My beautiful amazing baby dd2, Summer, died 2 weeks ago yesterday. Her heart was unable to pump blood properly. We never knew until it was too late. She was 11 weeks and 6 days old. I spent most of that day shopping, then at a Halloween party with the other dc. I missed most of my sum sums last day. Dp had to see to her himself, our poor baby not breathing, already gone, in her sleep.

I miss her. And it hurts. Ds turned 2 two days after she passed. If it wasn't for him and dd1 I'd be a screaming wreck in a padded cell. I'm sick of being strong now. I I want my sweet precious baby back.

Darling, ((((hugs)))) Summer, what a beautiful name. I`m so so sorry xx

lougle Fri 15-Nov-13 16:58:50

I'm so sorry. There is nothing that will make it better. I hope you have a good network of support to get you through the next weeks and months.

TeaAndANatter Fri 15-Nov-13 16:59:59

I'm so very, very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you right now. I have no personal experience of the loss of a child once it's born (just mc), but didn't want to read and run.

It read like you blame yourself for not being with her that day as much, or for not being the one to find her. There was nothing that you could have done that would have changed this. You didn't know, and you couldn't have changed this even if you had been there. I'm so sorry that it feels like you missed her last day.

Sending all love possible, and will hold you and your family in my thoughts. xx

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Fri 15-Nov-13 17:02:05

I'm so so sorry for your loss

Rest peacefully beautiful baby Summer xxx

kilmuir Fri 15-Nov-13 17:02:10

So sorry, x

SupermansBigRedBottleOfSpirits Fri 15-Nov-13 17:03:14

Thank you both, I wasn't expecting replies I just needed to write it down. I have more support than I ever knew, friends and family have been amazing, her funeral service and wake were amazing, the sun was out and nobody argued. <between mine and dp's families that was a miracle>

LittleTulip Fri 15-Nov-13 17:03:42

I am so sorry for your loss.

that is so sad. I am very sorry for you.

Thatsnotmychicken Fri 15-Nov-13 17:05:54

Am so sorry please take care

SupermansBigRedBottleOfSpirits Fri 15-Nov-13 17:06:22

I do blame myself, stupidly I know but every day I saw to her, took her out etc and that one day I took the older 2 and not her. Dp was spending time with her her because he usually seen to ds. We thought we were being unfair and now I just want that day back, to sit in the house with her and hold her all day long.

Straitjacket Fri 15-Nov-13 17:07:14

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know nothing will make it better, but please don't blame yourself as you wasn't to know.

Keeping you and your family in my thoughts. Remember that there is always someone here available to talk xx

Ledkr Fri 15-Nov-13 17:07:21

I am sorry too. You will get lots of support here.
Can't imagine how you feel.
Don't need to be too strong all the time, allow yourself the time you need.
Would it help to tell us all about her?

LovePotatoes Fri 15-Nov-13 17:09:49

I am so sorry for your loss. Words will never be able to overcome such a precious and beautiful loss....i just wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my thoughts x

nearlyreadytopop Fri 15-Nov-13 17:16:16

I am so sorry for your loss.thanks

CrockedPot Fri 15-Nov-13 17:17:33

So, so sorry, nothing else I can say xxx

SupermansBigRedBottleOfSpirits Fri 15-Nov-13 17:17:38

She was incredible. Redish blonde hair. Big boogly blue eyed. Elf ears. Beautiful peachy skin and tound cheeks, she'd have been an smazing wee model smile.Always poking her tongue out. She had started paying attention to when I'd left the room, I'd peekaboo behind the door at her she loved it. She copied dp's silly faces when we put her to bed. She loved her seahorse which is/was ds' s. She always needed something soft in her hand - muslin, bib, blanket taggy toy. She was cutting her bottom left tooth, I only noticed that morning. I bought her a teething toothbrush that afternoon. She used to cuddle in my arms and watch everyone, I sang songs with summer in them to her. We played mungo Jerry at the funeral.

noddyholder Fri 15-Nov-13 17:19:59

I am so sorry for your loss x

ajandjjmum Fri 15-Nov-13 17:21:39

So sorry for the loss of Summer - she sounds like a real little character.

Weegiemum Fri 15-Nov-13 17:22:06

I'm so sorry to hear about your lovely Summer xxx

decaffwithcream Fri 15-Nov-13 17:22:29

She sounds beautiful. Beautiful name. So sorry for your loss.

BoreOfWhabylon Fri 15-Nov-13 17:23:43

I am so very sorry for your loss.

RIP little Summer.

Forever young.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary Fri 15-Nov-13 17:29:29

That is so sad. I am very sorry to hear this. flowers

I'm so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful name. x x

Mintyy Fri 15-Nov-13 17:33:12

What an enormous loss! Summer sounds like an absolute delight. I am so truly deeply sorry that you are all suffering like this. I hope you have wonderful rl friends and family to support you X

SupermansBigRedBottleOfSpirits Fri 15-Nov-13 17:40:01

She was just the funniest cutest little thing, I wanted her so much, my pregnancy was erratic, labour was scarily quick it feels like those 11 weeks went in a blink of my eye. We had her Christmas bought in. Her toys prams cot etc have all been donated to the British heart foundation. Her clothes and blankets we're not keeping are going to the children's ward at the hospital, she had to be changed from her babygrow and there was very little clothes and what there was were too small for her. She was in 6-9 month clothes. When she was taken away she was in an ugly little romper that didn't even go over her chest or arms. I never want anyone else to suffer that indignity.

motherinferior Fri 15-Nov-13 17:42:16

I am so very sorry.

Badvoc Fri 15-Nov-13 17:49:02

I'm so very sorry x

ChateauMargot Fri 15-Nov-13 17:52:44

I am so so sorry to hear this. Haven't posted in months but couldn't bear to read this and not send a reply. I wish you and your family peace at what must be an impossibly hard time.

bumbumsmummy Fri 15-Nov-13 17:53:28

So sorry for your loss ((((hugs))) and prayers for you and your beautiful summer xox

Topseyt Fri 15-Nov-13 17:54:08

I am so so sorry. Rest in peace little one. sad

Take care of yourself, and do try to be kind to yourself.

Ubik1 Fri 15-Nov-13 17:54:53

So sorry

SPsDoesntLikeChaffingFishnets Fri 15-Nov-13 17:56:07

Awww Superman I'm so.sorry to heat of your loss.

Summer sounds like a beautiful little girl.

x

spiderlight Fri 15-Nov-13 17:57:22

So, so sorry. There are no words but you're in my thoughts thanks

Hulababy Fri 15-Nov-13 17:58:50

I am so sorry for your loss.

Summer sounds delightful, a bueatiful baby. Is that her in your profile photos?

stickysausages Fri 15-Nov-13 17:59:36

I'm so very sorry for you & your families loss sad

She sounds like a very special little girl thanks

thoughtsbecomethings Fri 15-Nov-13 17:59:42

I can't begin to imagine your pain x
Hopefully one day things will feel brighter, you'll always have Summer in your heart x So sorry for your loss x

Chopstheduck Fri 15-Nov-13 17:59:57

So sorry to hear of your loss xx

She sounds such a character. Is that her in your photos? Gorgeous little girl, such a happy smile!

Netguru Fri 15-Nov-13 18:02:37

So very, very sorry.

ThisIsBULLSHIT Fri 15-Nov-13 18:02:42

Oh no how terrible, that is just heartbreaking and I am so sorry about what has happened. It just seems so senseless. I am sending you a hug.

SecretWitch Fri 15-Nov-13 18:03:10

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. She sounds like she was an absolute sweetheart! Losing a beloved child is agony no one should ever know. Please know you can come here whenever you need support.
((hugs))

HogFucker Fri 15-Nov-13 18:04:01

I'm so sorry.

HappyInTheCity Fri 15-Nov-13 18:04:38

Such devastating news, I am so sorry. Beautiful Summer.

Love to you all, you are in my thoughts X

GillyBillyWilly Fri 15-Nov-13 18:05:08

I am so sorry sadthanks
Your post has me in tears.

Panadbois Fri 15-Nov-13 18:05:43

Don't know what to say, but sending you all my love x

NomDeClavier Fri 15-Nov-13 18:06:17

So very sorry for your loss sad

QOD Fri 15-Nov-13 18:06:44

Truly sorry for your loss. She sounds beautiful and so loved.

SunshineMMum Fri 15-Nov-13 18:06:45

So sad at the loss of your beautiful Summer. Thoughts with you xx

HorsePetal Fri 15-Nov-13 18:07:21

Your beautiful baby girl. I am so so sorry, there are no words other than to say much love to you and your family x

andthepiggotupandslowlywalkeda Fri 15-Nov-13 18:07:23

I'm so very sorry.

((((((hugs))))))

BobaFetaCheese Fri 15-Nov-13 18:07:54

I'm so very sorry for your loss.
She sounds like a wonderfully cheeky girl, rest in peace Summer.
xxx

SantanaLopez Fri 15-Nov-13 18:09:54

Beautiful Summer. I'm so very sorry xxx

ColinFirthsGirth Fri 15-Nov-13 18:10:51

I am so very sorry for your loss. She sounds gorgeous xxxx

Sidge Fri 15-Nov-13 18:11:25

I'm so very sorry that your beautiful Summer has gone.

Is that her in your profile photos? She is gorgeous - those cheeks!

And you sound so strong and amazing, especially to think of others and pass on her things to those that may need them now. You are incredible.

Much love to you and your family thanks

I'm so sorry your beautiful Summer died, it sounds like she was a real character smile.

My third daughter died a year ago. If you want anyone to 'talk' to, feel free to PM me and I will be happy to listen x

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss.

I wish I had the words to make things a little easier for you and your family.

I wish you love and strength x

RachelHRD Fri 15-Nov-13 18:15:38

I'm so very sorry for your loss. What a beautiful and precious baby girl xxx

PippaMiddleton Fri 15-Nov-13 18:16:20

I am so sorry that this has happened. sad

Sounds like she was a very happy and loved little girl. x

Puttheshelvesup Fri 15-Nov-13 18:18:51

So very sorry for your loss. Much love to you and your family.xxx

Your love for her shines through your words. I have shed a year for Summer. Your precious daughter.

And you've really touched my heart by donating her larger babygrows to help other parents.

I am so sorry. And will light a candle for you, your family and Summer.

SupermansBigRedBottleOfSpirits Fri 15-Nov-13 18:20:53

Thank you all, yes that's my sum sum in my profile, I said when ds was younger we'd have gorgeous girls but seeing her was incredible.

SupermansBigRedBottleOfSpirits Fri 15-Nov-13 18:24:26

I feel lost without a baby in my arms, ds has been climbing into my arms at random moments, being adorable and I love it but he's so big in comparison. He's a ginormous 2 year old she was a long skinny soft bobbly headed baby, still needing held and supported. More than I imagined.

MarianneBrandon Fri 15-Nov-13 18:41:36

I'm so sorry for your loss sad

HappyInTheCity Fri 15-Nov-13 18:41:48

Oh how I wish I could find the words. I am just so sorry. She is beautiful X

morethanpotatoprints Fri 15-Nov-13 18:45:27

I am so very sorry flowers

Having empty arms is the most cruel feeling. I wish there was some comfort for you, but I know there isn't x

DontCallMeDaughter Fri 15-Nov-13 18:54:18

So very sorry... Thought are with you and your family x

LEMisafucker Fri 15-Nov-13 18:54:21

So very sorry sad She ounds like a beautiful little girl, who was very loved.

carovioletfizz Fri 15-Nov-13 18:54:52

I am so sorry. She sounds like a beautiful little baby. There was nothing you could have done so please don't blame yourself. Thanks for sharing her story with us, she sounds wonderful.xxx

MarshaBrady Fri 15-Nov-13 18:55:36

I'm so sorry. What a beautiful little girl.

Mondaybaby Fri 15-Nov-13 18:58:52

So very sorry for your loss.

melmo26 Fri 15-Nov-13 19:03:16

Im so so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to even understand what you and your family are going through.
You don't have to be strong all the time. It's fine to cry, no one expects anything of you right now.
I hope your older dcs are coping too. Hold them close and cry with them if you need to.

Rest in peace Summer xx

Iwillpopthekettleon Fri 15-Nov-13 19:16:37

So so sorry X

peachypips Fri 15-Nov-13 19:18:48

It sounds like her short life was extremely happy. She was lucky to be born into your family. Love to you and your family x

WireCat Fri 15-Nov-13 19:20:05

I'm so sorry xxx flowers

TheGatheringDark Fri 15-Nov-13 19:22:52

So very sorry for your loss, you write so beautifully about Summer x

So sorry for your loss Superman flowers

chickabilla Fri 15-Nov-13 19:44:50

So sorry for your loss. X

LaBuveuse Fri 15-Nov-13 19:48:01

So very sorry xxx

MrsWolowitz Fri 15-Nov-13 19:54:25

This is so sad.

I'm so very sorry sad flowers

MomentForLife Fri 15-Nov-13 20:04:43

Don't know what to say really but couldn't not post. I'm so sorry. The pain must be so strong but you are amazing. Sending you and your family love and strength x x x

Dilidali Fri 15-Nov-13 20:09:48

I am so sorry sad

shimmeringinthesun Fri 15-Nov-13 20:09:50

Sending you brightest blessings for your bright little Summer. with love and care.x.x.

Chottie Fri 15-Nov-13 20:14:54

I am so sorry to read your sad news. Your little Summer sounds a really special and greatly loved little girl. There are no adequate words to say. I cannot begin to imagine what you and your family are going through flowers

I am so very very sorry for the loss of your beautiful wonderful Summer x

Paribus Fri 15-Nov-13 20:45:51

I am so so so sorry for your loss sad(((. What a beautiful little angel.

EmLH Fri 15-Nov-13 20:48:45

I am sorry too. She looks absolutely beautiful. Sending you my love and best wishes x

Howstricks Fri 15-Nov-13 20:54:47

I'm sorry darling. A far too brief but gorgeous life..loved and part of a busy, normal, hectic family.

youarewinning Fri 15-Nov-13 20:55:05

I'm so very sorry. RIP Summer.

TinyPop Fri 15-Nov-13 21:04:14

I am so sorry, your post has made me cry, what a terrible, tragic loss. What a beautiful ray of sunshine she sounds and looks from your photos. thanks

FoxyRevenger Fri 15-Nov-13 21:09:01

Oh Supermans I am so, so sorry.

You have truly beautiful children. Summer looks just like her name suggests - full of light and smiles and warmth.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Fri 15-Nov-13 21:10:31

I am sorry. (((Hugs))) xx

Floggingmolly Fri 15-Nov-13 21:10:39

God, I'm so sorry sad

Inthechelseahotel Fri 15-Nov-13 21:14:06

So sorry to hear this thanks

neffi Fri 15-Nov-13 21:14:36

I'm so very sorry that you've lost your precious girl. Words are useless but it's all we have to offer you comfort, to know that people care and grieve for you and your family and your beautiful little girl.

Locketjuice Fri 15-Nov-13 21:18:01

So sorry to hear, I can't imagine what you are going through having a daughter the same age! Such a terrible terrible loss! So cruel and unfair! thanks

Thurlow Fri 15-Nov-13 21:18:32

xx for all of you

gnatgnu Fri 15-Nov-13 21:21:03

This should not have happened sad so incredibly sorry for your loss, rest in peace little Summer

CaterpillarCara Fri 15-Nov-13 21:22:01

So sorry. xxxx

holidayseeker Fri 15-Nov-13 22:57:15

What a gorgeous little girl and a beautiful name, so sorry for your loss

Katiejon Sat 16-Nov-13 01:00:18

Please take one day, one hour at a time.
Mumsnetters are v supportive, so post as much as u like.

LilyTheSavage Sat 16-Nov-13 09:02:08

I'm so sorry for your loss. My DS2 died three months ago (aged 21) so I know what you're going through and feel your pain with you. If you want to chat please feel free to pm me. I've been chatting with a couple of other mums about this and it helps to chat to somebody who really truly understands.
Be nice to yourself. Do as much as you feel you can do, and if you can't manage something - then don't!
You write so eloquently about Summer. What a gorgeous name, really evocative. Please share all your ramblings about her with us all.
Sending you love. XXX

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sat 16-Nov-13 09:14:58

<<hugs>>

I am so very sorry sad

It must have been a terrible shock for you all, such a beautiful, healthy looking baby girl.

There are no words that can take away your pain, but I hope it helps a tiny bit to know we are thinking of you. I can understand your regret at not having spent her last day with her, but please don't feel guilty - she was with her Daddy & you could not be with all 3 of your children 24/7 and even if you had been home, you couldn't have prevented it. She was loved & treasured by all of you - that's clear from your posts & photos.

Love & strength
xxx

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sat 16-Nov-13 09:17:12

Cup - I haven't seen you in ages, I hope you are all doing as well as you can be, all considered x

Lily - I am so sorry to hear your sad news too sad

Lots of love & strength to all of you who know only too well how this feels
x

Crownjewel Sat 16-Nov-13 10:07:29

Superman, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and I can't begin to imagine what you're going through. You and your family are in my thoughts and my prayers xxx

everlong Sat 16-Nov-13 10:26:24

Gosh I'm so sorry.
Summer is beautiful. I'm glad you've had such great support from family and friends.
Take one hour at a time.

SupermansBigRedBottleOfSpirits Sat 16-Nov-13 10:41:09

Thanks again for all the kind words and I'm so sorry others have/are going through it. I've realised I despise my long lies now as long lies meant popping sum into bed beside dp for cuddles after her feed. But if I wake early before everyone else I think too much and it hurts. My feelings seem switched off, actually as though someone flipped the switch. I feel empty but sad and sore. Friends and family help by treating me like a normal person but In all honesty I have no idea what any conversion has gone like for the past few weeks. I can laugh and smile but thinking back I have no idea why. My head seems very much in survival mode.

InfiniteJest Sat 16-Nov-13 11:37:35

I saw the photos of your beautiful daughter on your profile and I cried for her, and for you. I'm so so sorry this happened. I wish there was something I could do for you, the pain must be unimaginable. Sending you love and strength from Australia x

InkleWinkle Sat 16-Nov-13 11:49:58

Can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. I'm so sorry.

I'm so terribly sorry. Words fail me. You sound like such a loving and happy, busy family. You write beautifully about Summer - a gorgeous name.
Wishing you the very best possible journey on the long road ahead. Please keep talking about her to us all: we are with you for as long as you need us.
Lots of love. X xx

angelopal Sat 16-Nov-13 17:25:07

Sorry for the loss of you daughter Summer. No one should have to go through the pain of loosing a child.

I lost dc1 at 4 days old last year to an undiagnosed heart defect so have a good idea of how you must be feeling. Just take it a day at a time.

Take care.

cheesypastaplease Sat 16-Nov-13 19:11:32

I'm so so sorry for the loss of Summer. What a beautiful name.

Thinking of you and your family x

dollywould Sat 16-Nov-13 19:20:13

I am so so sorry for your loss xxxx

Shellywelly1973 Sun 17-Nov-13 01:53:36

So incredibly sad.

Sending you & your family my deepest sympathies. X x x

LoveAndDeath Sun 17-Nov-13 02:31:43

Superman, I am so, so sorry. My own baby girl died unexpectedly at 7 weeks two years ago. It is the very worst thing you can go through. You won't get over it but it gradually gets easier to bear, the grief comes in shallower waves.
Summer is a beautiful, beautiful name xx

Strokethefurrywall Sun 17-Nov-13 02:46:47

Lost for any words - so terribly sorry for yours and your family's loss, to imagine it is unbearable so to live it must be a nightmare.

I can only hope that you can feel the strength and love coming through this chat board.

Thinking of you xxx

whodunnit Sun 17-Nov-13 02:50:57

Your lovely photos show Summer as a happy, healthy looking baby, so alert and already a big part of the family. She always will be a big part of your family. I am sorry she is not still with you, though she will always be with you inside.

GoodnessKnows Sun 17-Nov-13 03:13:03

It's so sad. There are no words powerful enough to change what's happened or how you are feeling. But I hope a caring and virtual hug might help. I've no experience of this but have lost two babies during pregnancy. I do remember how guilty I felt ( even though I found out it had been a chromosome problems So wasn't my fault.). I also remember how guilty and regretful I felt that I had/ hadn't done certain things that might have made a difference to what had happened. I imagine that it's perfectly natural (however unhelpful and totally inappropriate/ unnecessary) it is) to feel both guilty and regretful. Quite possibly part if the grieving process. My maternity ward at the hospital arranged for counselling. The woman was amazing. Would've gone mad if not for her.

FixItUpChappie Sun 17-Nov-13 03:54:23

I'm so sorry - there are no words sad

My heart goes out to you and your family xx

kateandme Sun 17-Nov-13 04:00:32

im so sorry for your loss.i dont know what to say without sounded cliched or offensive even!!
you can do this.it must ache like your world is breaking.
all the things you told us a about her focus o nthem.she was that little girl,not the loss.you gave her the chance to be that litttle character.she got the chance to live.to have a mum that clearly adored her.
this isnt you fault.its devastating but never your fault.your clearly cherished her and will forever.xx

ZingWantsGin Sun 17-Nov-13 04:48:33

I remember when she was born and I am so sorry for your loss. sad sad sad
thanks thanks thanks

changeforthebetter Sun 17-Nov-13 08:17:17

So sorry for your loss thanks

SupermansBigRedBottleOfSpirits Sun 17-Nov-13 12:54:46

I'm lost for words, you have rendered a chatterbox silent, thank you all so much, I doubt my rambling on is making sense.

I watched the x factor last night, without summer to sing to at 1 am it isn't the same I cried. I cried last week too. How ridiculous! I'm so used to having her cuddled in and watching with me once dp is in bed or on the pc I feel utterly naked without her there. I feel naked without her baby carrier on me when I leave the house. She's my only one I used one with although I loved her pram I just wanted her on me all the time. I miss holding her hands as I walked. I miss kissing her head even over her hat and snowsuit. I miss seeing her beautiful face snuggled into a muslin against my chest. I miss being able to watch my son sleep because now I panic, his sleeping face reminds me of summers. Her beautiful face.

DoesZingBumpLookBigInThis Sun 17-Nov-13 15:32:18

none of that is ridiculous Superman

it's bloody awful, that's what it is. so unfair it breaks my heart.
I don't know how you could not cry...I don't know how you can get up in the morning or function.

I don't know how you can breathe.

a friend of ours lost their son almost exactly that way. he was 3 months old. she was out swimming with her daughter, came back to ambulance and sobbing people in front of her house.
their son's heart stopped and he stopped breathing - died in his dad's arms before the paramedics arrived.
he had a congenital heart condition that noone could have known about.he'd be 3 next month.
he was only a few months younger then our youngest son and had the same name.

I see the mum often, and don't know how she goes on.
they have a 6 year old and had a little girl since (same age as DD). I see them together and my heart aches for her, because her son is not there . It's fucking unfair.
it's every parent's worst nightmare and it should never happen.

I'm so sorry it happened to you. such a tragedy sad sad sad sad

HogFucker Sun 17-Nov-13 16:17:52

Of course it's not ridiculous. Heartbreaking - I just can't imagine how heart broken you must be.

Borntobeamum Sun 17-Nov-13 18:29:34

I am so sorry.
X

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 17-Nov-13 20:15:39

Oh my love - of course it's not ridiculous. It is heartbreaking, all you can do it cope minute by minute, one foot in front of the other etc keep posting if it helps you, it doesn't matter what you say, just get it down - if you want to xxx

diagnosticnomansland Mon 18-Nov-13 10:29:38

You poor thing sad I'm so very very sorry. Please don't blame yourself for not being there; you couldn't have known.

I just want to squeeze you tight.

Hugs.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Rest in peace Summer.

I'm going to our hospital tomorrow and will look out dd's baby old clothes and take them to the children's ward.
That might help a family like you suggest.

RatherBeOnThePiste Thu 21-Nov-13 09:07:01

Heartbreaking. I am so sorry, thinking of you all here. We are here for you.

Beautiful Summer Xx

Mojito100 Fri 22-Nov-13 12:46:51

I know the pain of losing a daughter. Mine was 4 when she passed. Nothing will ever take your memories of your beautiful daughter from you. Cherish them, write them down including all that you felt so you can look back in the years to come. As all have said before me. I am so terribly sorry for your loss and wish I could hold you to let you know that there is always someone in the world who will understand and be there for you. Remember her always and cry whenever you need. There are days it just doesn't seem to get easier but having others to care for does help you keep going.

QOD Sat 23-Nov-13 12:23:54

Sorry mojito sad

AcrylicPlexiglass Sat 23-Nov-13 12:26:17

Oh No.sad I am so very sorry to hear that Summer died. She sounds like the loveliest baby.

AcrylicPlexiglass Sat 23-Nov-13 12:27:31

And really sad for you too, mojito.

SupermansBigRedReindeerNose Sat 23-Nov-13 21:17:44

I've felt unable to desl with this the past few days, dp is struggling, he tore into his brother the other night and it was horrendous. I feel like giving up, being strong has got me this far but I don't want to be anymore. I want to gorget now. I want to sleep and forget. My boy picked up one of sums dummies today and I instinctively said 'you're a big boy son give the popsy to baby girl there's a good big boy'. I ended up in the bathroom sobbing. I really need her. I need her bobble head cosied in my arm crook and I need ger warm toesies in my hands god damn it I need her! This is enough now why can't I just get her back? Why was it so easy for her to go but not for me to bring her back??! I need her. My niece has just turned 6 months and is rocking on her kbees to crawl, Summer won't do that! So much she'll miss out on. So so much of our lives forever changed by this sweet baby girl going. I need her. I'm bare and I'm naked without her, I'm empty and cold and sad and so utterly broken wiyhout her in my, in our, lives.

rockybalboa Sat 23-Nov-13 21:19:54

Oh I'm so so sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl. Life is so bloody cruel sometimes.

SupermansBigRedReindeerNose Sat 23-Nov-13 21:23:16

I'm so sorry for others who have been through this, it is filling me with pure rage that babies and children can go what a ludicrous thing, as I said on that night - in a fit of hysterical giggles and pitying looks - she can't be gone because to die you must 'kick the bucket' and only old people can do that - how can a baby? Therefore of course they are wrong! - I insisted the full doctor team were about to be sacked for inadequacy and general idiocy. I'm not a religious person but if hod exists he has a sick wsy of showing his presence. He stole my baby.

bishbashboosh Sat 23-Nov-13 21:31:38

What unimaginable pain. You are us right this is so unfair for you. It makes me angry that loving parents such as you can lose their precious children . Lots if love to you xxxxx

SupermansBigRedReindeerNose Sat 23-Nov-13 21:38:48

I am so envious/angry when I see parents with their children and they are doing them wrong I want to grab yhem and tell them just how flaming lucky they are to have them but I can't, it's not the done thing. I don't want other peoples children, I do not want another of my own I want Summer.

RatherBeOnThePiste Sun 24-Nov-13 07:27:37

Oh my lovely, I wish I could find the words, I am just so very sorry, thinking of you all. Thinking of beautiful Summer X

You're right. It is wrong. Babies and children should never go before their parents. Thinking of you and your precious Summer.

Me2Me2 Sun 24-Nov-13 17:08:25

I'm so sorry flowers
You are living every parent's nightmare.
I can picture your gorgeous baby but cannot imagine what your pain.

I'm sorry too for others who have lost children on this thread sad

SupermansBigRedReindeerNose Sun 24-Nov-13 23:13:43

Today's been good, we hung pictures of summer amongst the other children, our walls are like mazes of love as my older dd says smile i love seeing all 3 of their beautiful faces smiling down it picks me up. My best friend and I spent the afternoon chatting about sum and doing Christmas shopping, I'm sad when I see things I'd like to buy for her but I know my sadness and anger won't do any good. I'm focusing on the 2 here, overcompensating completely but I don't have my gorgeous little wifey to buy for and they don't have baby girl to celebrate with. I want Christmas to be memorable not as that year mums sadness took over and we did without her and summer, more that first year without wifey but mummy tried to make it special for us and daddy.

RatherBeOnThePiste Tue 26-Nov-13 10:49:04

Oh my lovely, huge hugs for you, thinking of you here, sending much love X

TheNinjaGooseIsOnAMission Tue 26-Nov-13 11:33:55

so sorry superman, thinking of you all thanks

Macdog Tue 26-Nov-13 11:38:10

So, so sorry for your loss x

aziraphale Tue 26-Nov-13 11:40:42

I am so very sorry for your loss. I have some experience in this area and would love to be able to help you. Please pm me if you would like to chat. I hope the Lullaby Trust have been in touch.

My heart goes out to you and your family. RIP beautiful Summer.

DivingBell Tue 26-Nov-13 11:45:53

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Darling Summer, rest in peace xxx

Thumbwitch Tue 26-Nov-13 11:45:54

So very very sad to read of your loss - your daughter Summer sounds gorgeous and my heart breaks for you.
I can't see your profile pics, must be an MN glitch as it goes to a weird page when I click on your OP name, but she sounds adorable.
(((hugs))) for you and your family. x

psychomum5 Tue 26-Nov-13 11:49:49

I am so very sorry...your love shines so brightly and deeply for your beloved Summer. xxx

HopAlongOnItsOnlyChristmas Tue 26-Nov-13 12:03:31

I'm so sorry superman, I can't even begin to imagine. Lots of love to you and your family. x

BellaVita Tue 26-Nov-13 14:21:32

Thinking of you all and beautiful Summer xx

mrspolkadotty Tue 26-Nov-13 14:48:39

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Much love to you and yours. Rest peacefully Summer xxx

I am so sorry for the loss of your gorgeous daughter, thinking of you x

blizy Tue 26-Nov-13 16:20:02

I am so, so very sorry that you lost your precious Summer. Your words about her are so very touching and she sounds like such a beautiful little baby with a massive personality.
I know what you are going through as my dd died at birth almost three years ago. I Found fantastic support on MN when my dd died, so I will always be here if you need to rant, scream or cry I'm just a PM away.

I hope summer is dancing in the clouds, she will looking down on her wonderful parents with pride.
Sweet dreams angel.
X

KungFuBustle Tue 26-Nov-13 16:37:37

What a beautiful name. Summer sounds like she was a beautiful child, both inside and out.

I'm so very sorry. Thinking of you all.
xxx

joeyhanmum Tue 26-Nov-13 20:52:28

So very, very sorry to hear of your loss and my thoughts are with you and your family xx

MNPlovespumpkincarving Wed 27-Nov-13 00:20:36

Your in my thoughts Superman. Sum sum is clear in my mind from your posts.

absentmindeddooooodles Thu 28-Nov-13 11:48:10

Sending you lots of love and hands to hild. Thinking of you and your family, and your beautiful little summer. Xxxxx

Superman, sending you love and light. If I could take away your pain, I would. However, there are plenty of wonderful people here who will listen to your words about Summer, and walk with you on this terrible journey of pain. They helped me enormously when my beautiful Mia did - and many still do - so please, lean on us if you need. We are here. xx

So sorry, Superman, my heart goes out to you and your family. I send lots of love.

RatherBeOnThePiste Sat 30-Nov-13 09:27:13

Big hugs lovely X

giraffesCantSledge Mon 02-Dec-13 06:25:01

Thinking of you x

cakesonatrain Tue 03-Dec-13 07:33:30

I'm so sorry for your loss, Superman flowers

SupermansBigRedReindeerNose Wed 11-Dec-13 15:29:38

hello lovely ladies, i saw my doctor yesterday just to see how i am he says i'm doing well. i no longer feel the need for sleeping tablets although i only took them 3 or 4 times luckily. he's confident i don't need my a.ds put up my rattiness is mainly hormones <yey> such a relief.

things have been tiresome here for wont of a better word, my mother and sister have been prattling on about christmas and how it's for families and whilst i know it is, my family is incomplete without Summer, so christmas is not going to be all jolly flaming hockey sticks as they seem to think. i'm utterly sick hearing of it.

i have bought a small tree around 3 feet tall, and some small decorations that's my christmas this year. we aren't the most festive of families to begin with, neither of us enjoy dressing the tree/house etc so it's no great shame there. i have bought special boubles for the children - dd1 chose a purple snowflake for herself that glitters like her personality, ds has a felt robin with a cheeky look to it and a rounded belly just like his grin and for Summer, a silver butterly, very delicate and slightly sparkled. as soon as i seen it i knew i needed it. some things just 'scream' Summer at me IYKWIM? i see things whilst shopping and say that'd suit Sum or oh She'd love that etc then the stabbing pain in my chest comes and i have to fight back the tears.

dp is quiet, too quiet and rather miserable looking although it is his birthday this week, he's feeling old, our wifey isn't here then christmas round the corner it's not easy for him. ds is a ball of energy he keeps us on our toes and whilst he is tiring it's almost enjoyable being kept so busy. dd1 is coping amazingly well, we talk about Sum often i think it's good for both of us.

i can't wait until 2014 kicks in, this year has been a mixed bag. i want just 1 year of good god willing.

Mignonette Wed 11-Dec-13 15:42:45

My heartfelt condolences to you and your family Supermans.

She sounds gorgeous.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. It sounds like she spent her last hours with her Daddy, another person who loved her. We cannot know what lies in the future but you sound like a parent who didn't take her baby (or any of her other children) for granted. All you did was have trust that nothing bad would happen. I am so sorry flowers.

Spacefrog35 Wed 11-Dec-13 22:30:19

What a lovely way to involve Summer in your Christmas ever year. I'm sure it will be of comfort to you not only this year but for many years to come to be able to put up her Christmas decoration.

People can be so insensitive without realising. Sounds like family are a bit like this. I'm sure they don't mean harm, it's just very difficult to know how to act & what to say unless you've walked in those shoes. I hope you, DP & DC have a gentle and peaceful Christmas

GimmeDaBoobehz Wed 11-Dec-13 22:44:30

I am so sorrysad

This has made me cry.

My thoughts are with you and your family thanks

NoToast Fri 20-Dec-13 22:19:37

I am so sorry for your families loss, your love for Summer shines through your posts. Thinking of you and Summer, thanks

olympicsrock Mon 23-Dec-13 00:40:09

This made me cry. Sending you love and good wishes for a peaceful Christmas. I'll think of Summer when I look at lovely tree decorations.

RatherBeOnThePiste Sat 01-Feb-14 07:10:58

Morning lovely, thinking of you here and beautiful Summer


thanks

Really rough couple of weeks, I'm so angry. Angry with Summer for leaving me, us. I WANT her angry I'm angry at my step kids for being here still - why should they be when Summer isn't?! Why should their mum be happy?! My beautiful baby is gone and she gets to keep her Children??! It's not on at all Summer is the most amazing fascinating beautiful baby with the sweetest face and she's gone whilst those kids live? Wheres the justice in that? She was my final child, I was sure we were complete and now I'm empty and furious. I'm so angry at dp for speaking to his children I know it's ridiculous and they have nothing to do with my feelings but it hurts so much that they get a dad and Summer is not here to. I'm being a miserable wicked bitch sad

SocialQueen Tue 15-Apr-14 13:04:01

OP you need some counselling. Please go and see your doctor.

I think what you are feeling is entirely natural and expected but it's not healthy in the long-term. A professional will help you acknowledge and accept your rage and your grief and then help you move on, not forgetting but integrating.

I'm on a waiting list for counselling because stupidly I 'felt fine' and didn't want/need it in the early months but I can feel myself becoming a complete loon for want of better words. I'm sick of happy people with their babies I'm sick of seeing clothes for Summer when I'm shopping for ds, I miss having my tiny baby. I am just a walking angry mean spirited woman. I want to be normal again.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now