Miss my son so much

(250 Posts)
LilyTheSavage Sun 10-Nov-13 15:36:57

My beautiful middle son died on 10th August in a tragic and needless accident. It's three months today and I feel just as bereft and weighted with grief and sorrow as I did the day he died. It's very hard to bear. There must surely be others who have had this happen too.

clam Sun 10-Nov-13 15:49:34

I'm so very sorry. It hasn't happened to me, no, but it is my recurring nightmare. I hope you are able to find peace eventually.

chickydoo Sun 10-Nov-13 15:51:18

I am so very very sorry for your loss. Am sending you a virtual hug, and a hand to hold
X

Selks Sun 10-Nov-13 15:56:21

I'm so sorry. Do tell us about your lovely son, if you would like to?

QOD Sun 10-Nov-13 15:58:57

I bet you do sad
Sadly there's lots of mums on here who have suffered such a loss and maybe one will come along with the right thing to say, I don't know what to say other than I'm listening.
X

FlashDrive Sun 10-Nov-13 16:06:27

Im so sorry or your loss

<<hugs>>

shimmeringinthesun Sun 10-Nov-13 17:00:48

Lily I lost my son 15 years ago but was never able to talk about him as no one in RL wanted to hear it. It's only recently that I've been able to do so thanks to the amazing women of Mumsnet.
I'm so glad you found your way here so quickly, because it does help, just writing everything down that you feel able to- about your son, his life, anything.
Do you want to talk about your boy? Once I began to talk about mine, I couldn't stop, and I was so, so glad that there were people here happy to listen and talk back. I needed that. I will probably need it for a long time to come.
I am really sad and sorry your son has died, let me offer a hand to hold too.

I'm so sorry Lily, please come and talk about him, much love x

LilyTheSavage Sun 10-Nov-13 18:08:14

Thank you everybody. I'm new to MN so please excuse me if I get anything wrong.
My lovely boy is/was (still can't talk about him in the past tense) a tree surgeon and had been working in France. He was missing his friends and had come back to the UK for a short break. He'd been on a night out with friends and they'd had plenty to drink, but weren't legless or aggressive. Somehow he got separated from his friends and other friends thought they were together. He was found face down in a very shallow stream in the village where he was staying with a friend. We don't know if he'd fallen from the bridge into the stream which is a 6m drop, or if somehow he'd gone down to the stream and slipped. There had been no foul play nor anybody else involved. It breaks my heart that he was alone, but I am sure that he wouldn't have been aware as he was drunk. He just passed out and drowned. I have received all the witness statements, pm report and police statements. We have a date for the inquest.
It all just hurts so badly that he's dead and gone and I miss him so much.
I'm sure there's more I need to say.............

Madondogs Sun 10-Nov-13 18:17:25

Oh lily just wanted to add my condolences to you I have never experienced the loss of a child,thank god.
Hope you receive lots of support here and you find comfort talking about your beautiful boy.(((hugs)))

LCHammer Sun 10-Nov-13 18:24:27

I am very sorry to read this, Lily. Such a needless loss of life for your family.

Bexicles Sun 10-Nov-13 18:24:39

((Lily)) I cannot begin to comprehend how you are feeling, sending you love. Xxx

Oh Lily, what an awful awful tragedy, just beyond words. He sounds as though he was very popular with friends and went out in life and done things, to go to France to work as a Tree Surgeon. Hoping you have lots of support around you, and you are able to talk about your son. When I was grieving, I remember someone telling me for the first few months its all about just remembering to breathe and eat a little. How are your other two children?

There are unfortunately other mums on here who are tragically walking this same road, I hope they see this for you. There is a wonderful thread on here for bereaved parents, I cant do links but its really worth having a look there as well, the woman on there will walk with you I`m sure.

Much love xx

Pawprint Sun 10-Nov-13 19:47:38

So sad for you

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Sun 10-Nov-13 19:52:43

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.I sincerely hope you go find peace.When MY mum passed a good friend said to me no one can tell you how to grieve.Any thing you do is right for you.

LilyTheSavage Sun 10-Nov-13 20:19:36

I stand up and do normal stuff (sometimes) and I breathe. My other sons are 23 and 20 - young men but they miss their brother. The younger is at uni and has good friends to support him and the older has a wonderful gf. I feel guilty when I laugh about something and miss him so terribly. It feels wrong that life and everything just continues. But what other option is there.

Oh, Lily, I am so sorry.
I think breathing and putting one foot in front of the other is all that can be expected from you.
Much love and light x.

timidviper Sun 10-Nov-13 20:35:20

Lily I'm so sorry to hear your story, your son sounds like a lovely young man.

Earlier this year a good friend of mine lost her son, also a wonderful young man, in another tragic accident so I understand a bit of what you mean about the loss still feeling so fresh and it feeling wrong that life is going on through my friendship. All I can say is that my thoughts are with you. Do you have friends to support you?

Please keep talking to people about him. There are lots on here who are happy to listen and some who, sadly, are in similar situations who may be able to help more by understanding.

jellyrolly Sun 10-Nov-13 20:38:13

I'm so sorry for your loss Lily. Please keep talking to us about your lovely son if you feel you can. Someone so loved is never truly gone.

AuntySib Sun 10-Nov-13 20:38:24

So sorry. No advice, but hugs xxx

Selks Sun 10-Nov-13 20:44:57

He sounds a fabulous young man, Lily. It's such a tragedy.

Have you thought about any support for yourself, somewhere where you can talk about your feelings and talk about him? Counselling, or maybe bereavement counselling from somewhere such as Cruse. They are very good.

Keep talking to us on here, if it will help. You can come back to this thread whenever you want to - you will always find an empathic ear. Hugs.

starrynight19 Sun 10-Nov-13 20:49:51

I am so sorry every parents worst nightmare ((hugs))

LilyTheSavage Sun 10-Nov-13 21:23:45

Thank you everybody for your kind words and hugs. My DH works overseas so I'm very much alone a lot of the time, but I do have fantastic friends. I decided last week that I really wasn't coping so I arranged to start some counselling. Not sure that it's really doing any good yet, but it's still such early days really. I have such terrible pictures of my DS's death in my head that I couldn't possibly share them with anybody I care about. It's every parents' worst nightmare and it's happening to us. I keep trying to remember good times and happy memories but I keep going back to his funeral and the 600+ people who came to celebrate his life with us. His brothers carried him into church, we showed pictures and shared stories and his favourite music, his amazingly brave Godmother sang, a Godfather gave a eulogy that made us laugh and cry. There is so much to say and so much not to say that I don't know where to start, but I know I ramble....

MrsBramleyApple Sun 10-Nov-13 21:36:09

Lily I have messaged you!

Selks Sun 10-Nov-13 21:42:19

Ramble away x

olympicsrock Sun 10-Nov-13 22:16:30

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm the mother of a son. My heart would be breaking in your situation. You are doing so well just to hold it together. We are listening and would love to hear more about your beautiful middle boy. X

HumphreyCobbler Sun 10-Nov-13 22:21:39

please ramble to us

Your son sounds like a wonderful person. I am so very sorry for your loss.

LilyTheSavage Tue 12-Nov-13 08:06:28

I have received the medical reports and my DS's pm report and witness statements - ie from the people who found him, police and ambulance crews attending. The worst bit was seeing the paper where my poor DS1 identified his brother's body. So so so sad.

That's very difficult Lily to see these reports written in front of you, DS1 must have found that so so hard, has he had any counselling maybe just to be able to talk it through? Your boys sound so lovely.

Your sons funeral sounds lovely, very personal and the Church sounds as though it was filled with people who loved him, and you. Xx

Aintnobodylovesnanbetter Tue 12-Nov-13 09:24:28

So sorry for your loss x

Mogz Tue 12-Nov-13 09:31:17

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son Lily, you're in my thoughts. Today I am saying my final goodbyes to a very dear friend who died on Oct 30th, it is so very hard and I'm not sure when it will ever stop hurting, but I know there will be a time when even though the loss hurts there will be smiles too. There's no time frame for grief and no winning formula for mourning, but please be sure to look after yourself and don't be afraid to ask for support, physically or mentally, from those around you.

PicnicPie Tue 12-Nov-13 09:32:24

Lily, I really feel for you I lost my dad 5 years ago in a tragic RTC. He was knocked off his bike by a car. It is bloody awful not being able to say goodbye and I have the memory of him lying in the hospital,looking like he was sleeping, but his body was eerily cold. We were told by the police 3 hours after my dad had passed away and as the hospital was in another county didn't reach him until 6 hours after his death. I completely understand how you feel. We had to attend an inquest. It is really, really difficult and I'm so glad to hear you have your sons for support.

I really struggled coming to terms with his death about 12 months later and I got counselling. It was the best thing I ever did. I was able to speak freely to somebody who was happy to listen non stop for an hour. It was such good therapy.

5 years on it still hurts. But it will get easier. Enjoy the happy memories and don't be scared to cry it out when you need to. I found crying very therapeutic.

I wish you lots of strength and peace and hope that by sharing your story in here you can get some comfort.

lalamumto3 Tue 12-Nov-13 09:42:09

I am so very sorry for your loss, offering a hand to hold x

travellingwilbury Tue 12-Nov-13 09:44:22

Lily I am so sorry you are walking this path . My son died when he was 14 mths old in 2001 and I wouldn't go back to those early days for anything .
The pain is all consuming , and so bloody tiring .
Your son sounds lovely and the funeral sounds perfect , if such a thing can be said about a funeral for your precious boy .
The whys and what ifs are the things that I struggled with for years and in fact I still have my days when it overwhelms me .
But I do have a life now ,
I do have good times and enjoy my life and my family . The death of my son has changed me forever but with the help of many I have managed to get through .
Keep talking , wether here or with friends , family or the counsellor . I know everyone says it helps and it can sound like a cliche but it really does help .

LoveAndDeath Tue 12-Nov-13 10:12:22

Lily, I am so very sorry about your precious son. I lost my baby daughter two years ago. It is the very worst type of bereavement, no-one should ever have to have a funeral for their child.
After my daughter died, my aunt wrote me a letter. She had lost two children. She said "You don't get over it but it does get easier to bear".
I have found that to be true although I still have very bad days and very bad individual moments.

LilyTheSavage Tue 12-Nov-13 21:35:20

Went to see my boy this afternoon and it just seems so so so wrong to be visiting him in a churchyard. The sun was shining and the birds were singing and he was so near but yet so far. Other than crying there, I have been more peaceful today, but just so tired. Thank you for all your lovely messages. xx

shallweshop Tue 12-Nov-13 21:44:16

My heart goes out to you Lily. I lost my sister three months ago and I still find it absolutely absurd and ridiculous when I say the words in my head 'she is dead'. It is so unreal. To lose a child must be so much more painful and every parent's worst nightmare. I am glad you feel a bit more peaceful today. Sending hugs and strength.

Oh Lily, your right, it's so so wrong to visit your son like that. And yes, grief is exhausting, at this early stage it's about getting through each day, taking some sort of comfort where you can. Xx

UtterflyButterfly Wed 13-Nov-13 10:48:21

Hello Lily, I've only just seen your thread and add my heartfelt condolences to you.

My daughter was killed in a car crash 7 years ago; she was 21. Life DOES go on, and you will enjoy life again, but in a different way from before. You have to start living this new life, with two sons and a heart load of lovely memories.

It was the anniversary of my DD's death last week. DH (her stepdad) and I went to the grave and just sat on the bench near her for 20 minutes, not saying anything. The sun came out and warmed us, and we cried silently. It was so draining, the rest of the day was a write-off.

BUT, most of the time things are fine; we just get on with our lives as we would have done before - there is no option really. We take our pleasures where we can, and try not to stress about things. My younger daughter is living life to the full, determined not to waste a moment, and I love spending as much time as I can with her. All I can say is, hang on in there, it is such early days, and you are still in a state of shock. I'd say it was a good year before I started thinking and acting 'normally' again. Be very kind to yourself, and try to accept that life will never be the same again, but it can be fun and fulfilling. thanks

SamuelsMum2 Thu 14-Nov-13 11:11:30

Morning Lily - The thought of a "new" mum to the club just brings up the why question again. Why must our children be taken from us? It's just not the circle of life. My son died aged 2yr 10mths - 7 years ago.
Your grief is painful and new and you have to live it, feel it in order to move on. It will never be OK that your son has died but it will become bearable. You have to learn to live a whole new life in a different way. It takes time, be patient but most of all be gentle on yourself - take deep breathes and roll with the panic attacks.......
They are all part of the journey x

SaintVera Sun 17-Nov-13 09:21:23

Lily, I am just so desperately sorry that you find yourself here. My son died suddenly last year and I have no words for the loss - loss upon loss - that unfolded. You are not going mad, and chinks of light really will come through, but the advice to be very gentle with yourself is the best.

I have found companionship and understanding from The Compassionate Friends. There is an online forum for bereaved parents, and support for siblings. It isn't for everyone but to me it has been a lifeline and it 'normalises' everything I have been through, which feels like madness at times, but isn't.

Look after yourself xx

LilyTheSavage Mon 18-Nov-13 14:33:12

Thanks very much SamuelsMum2 and SaintVera. I shall look at the Compassionate Friends.
I am functioning quite well today but am forgetting too much stuff and just feeling wobbly a lot. Up and dressed is a good start to the day though.
Thanks everybody else for letting me ramble. I'm sure I"ll be back...

XX

Lily, I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family x

LilyTheSavage Thu 21-Nov-13 06:21:15

Thank you Betty. xx

BananaSoup Sat 23-Nov-13 17:35:33

As a mum of three sons, your post has me in floods. I can't imagine my middly, or any of my lovely boys, going.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Take care.

LilyTheSavage Mon 25-Nov-13 10:19:31

I'm missing him especially badly today. I responded to somebody's question on MN yesterday about visiting in the chapel of rest and it brought it all flooding back with horrible clarity. I want to look at photos but it makes the fact that he's gone so stark and real. I used to snuggle him when he was a baby, then a toddler, a little boy and say to him "who's my soft and delicious?" and he always used to say "me" in a very gruff voice....even when he was grown up and taller than me and a huge great weight to squash me if he sat on my lap. No more soft and delicious.

Selks Tue 26-Nov-13 20:37:07

I have no words that are adequate, but I wanted to offer you a ((hug)). Sorry you've been having a hard day. Your memories are lovely to hear.

LilyTheSavage Wed 27-Nov-13 07:01:04

I've just come back to this thread and re-read all your lovely messages. They all make sense and your care and support (even though we've never met) all do actually help. Thank you. XX

Lily,

I don't feel qualified or able to post as I have no comprehension of the magnitude of your suffering and loss. But I did want to tell you that since I read your first post, I have been thinking of you with love and sending you light and warmth. I am certain I'm not the only one.

Much love. Xxx

LilyTheSavage Wed 27-Nov-13 21:38:36

Thanks Truly..... (I want to add Scrumptious after your "name".) Your words are warm and kind. I'm feeling very down this evening after a long and busy day. The virtual hugs and your kind messages all give a little boost.
Night night all. XXX

RachaelAgnes Mon 02-Dec-13 15:22:29

Lily,
I am so sorry for your loss.
I am 16 years down your path, I lost my DS just before his 2nd birthday.
As someone has mentioned, The Compassionate Friends were a great source of comfort to me.
The only advice I can give is:
Take the support of friends when it's offered, or ask for it if you need it. Many of them are waiting to help, but don't know how.
When you find yourself smiling (and you will) think how happy your son would feel seeing that smile.
Ride out the tough times by being kind to yourself. Sometimes those a times last days, sometimes only minutes, but don't be hard on yourself.
Take the words from others you find comfort in and remember them, disregard any you find unhelpful.
Sending you much love and hugs
Rach x

LilyTheSavage Tue 03-Dec-13 07:49:03

Hi Rach. I'm so very sorry for your loss too.
Everybody has sent such lovely kind words and so many of these words, sadly, come from their own personal experience. I am getting better at saying to myself that it's only a bad moment..... I had a very bad moment last night (after a comparatively "good" day) when an electric toothbrush ad came on tv and I was flooded with memories of my DS buying an electric toothbrush for himself. He was so proud of it. It's ridiculous things like that that whip the rug from under my feet.

An old friend of my DS words as the manager at his family's funeral director business. They've been friends since they were 7. (My DS was 21 when he died) and this lovely young man not only visited my DS in the chapel of rest (WOW!!!!!) but he's asked if "he may have the honour of making my DS's stone when the time comes". This wonderful boy kindness just knocked me over. How fantastic he is and how completely lovely that my DS's last gift will be from his old friend. I spent quite a long time chatting with his friend on the phone yesterday and discussing what we'd like. The kindness blows me away.

Thinking of this isn't a good start to the day, but I'm going to try and pull things back by making some porridge, having a shower and getting a grip or the day will just slide......

Thank you again.

Hugs. XXX

RachaelAgnes Tue 03-Dec-13 11:02:35

Stay strong.
What a beautiful gesture from your son's friend. He sounds such a lovely lad with some great friends
Thinking of you
R x

LilyTheSavage Tue 03-Dec-13 18:43:45

Thanks Rach. thanks

Hello Lily. Apologies that I haven't come here to recognise the loss if your beautiful son before this. Both of you, and your family, sound amazing. This is the hardest thing you will ever have to deal with in your life, and I just hope you are being gentle on yourself. Allow yourself the time to grieve, but also to celebrate your son.
My little girl, Mia, died two years ago now, and the love and generosity I experienced - and still do - from people on MN was overwhelming. Keep writing and keep remembering. We are here. Xx

Hi Lily.
Just popping by to see how you are doing. Such a grim time of year for those who are newly (and so horribly) bereaved. I do hope that you are being gentle to yourself.
I had tears in my eyes when I read about your son's last present from his friend: what an incredible and moving tribute to your lovely boy.
How are your other 2 sons doing?
Thinking of you with love.xx

LilyTheSavage Mon 09-Dec-13 07:52:31

Hello Mia's mummy and Truly Scrumptious (I know it's not your name but I wanted to just put it together!) Your messages are so kind. Thank you. Yesterday I decided that I needed more help and asked somebody who used to clean for me to just come next week for a couple of hours to help me get on top of it all. I know it's not really important but I also know that I feel less agitated when the house is clean and it's sorted. I feel calmer and couldn't face it on my own. I was doing ok yesterday and then I had a lovely message from an Auntie where she told me she had a picture in her head of my DS being with his Great-Grandparents (my granny and grandpa - if that makes sense). It just finished me off and I haven't started today so well. I need to pull myself together as I'm going to see my DS's friend about the stone. I hate seeing the dates. Makes it so abrupt and final. Like the end.
My other 2 sons are up and down too I guess. The youngest is away at uni and I know he's been to student services to get some help. He lives with lovely friends and he loves his course. I can't wait to have him home at the weekend. My oldest has just moved into a house with his fabulous girlfriend, but he's stressed and tired and misses his brother so terribly.
I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning. I decided not to send Christmas cards. Just can't face it. Hate getting cards without my DS's name included. But what do people put? They can't do right for doing wrong and i know some will have tried to think what will be least hurtful.

Thank you everybody. I hope your lead up to Christmas isn't too hideous. Time to put the mask on and get on with the day!
XXX

LilyTheSavage Tue 17-Dec-13 20:47:35

And so here we are preparing for our first Christmas without my darling boy. I am learning to put a mask on but it does slip very often revealing my feelings. I have been determined to put up a Christmas tree because it won't make my ds3 or ds1 feel any better if I'm moping about. I'd really like to just sleep for the next fortnight, but as that's not possible I'm forcing myself to do it. I don't feel better when I manage to do stuff, but I sure as heck don't feel worse. I have decided not to send Christmas cards as my heart is simply not in it. Most people aren't sending us cards this year which in some ways is a relief. In other ways it feels like being ignored. The cards which don't mention ds2 I just want to hurl into the bin. Only one person has made me smile. A dear friend who wrote to my dh, me, ds1 and ds3 and said "and always remembering dear Paddy. What do we do. Everything is such a massive effort. We will be with some of my family for Christmas Day and I want things to be good for my other boys, but I just miss my ds2. Is it the same for other mothers who loose a child?
sad

HermioneWeasley Tue 17-Dec-13 20:54:22

Lily I haven't suffered the same loss, but I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and your family. Your memories of your beloved son have made me cry.

I hope you are able to find some joy and peace in what will be a difficult Christmas. Xx

LilyTheSavage Tue 17-Dec-13 23:13:44

Thank you Hermione

thanks

cloudskitchen Wed 18-Dec-13 21:00:22

Lily I have read through your thread and my heart is aching for you. Its so bloody unfair. I wish I could say something to ease your pain. I hope you have a peaceful Christmas and draw strength and love from each other xx

LilyTheSavage Thu 19-Dec-13 07:29:19

thank you clouds. Peace is about as much as I can hope for this year. My husband comes home tomorrow and our other two sons will be around. It'll be good to have them nearby. Yesterday was a grim day for some reason. Hoping today will be better. I've got lots to do which is always a good thing. Keeping very busy is the way ahead.
XX

forcookssake Thu 19-Dec-13 08:21:24

Hi Lily, just come across your thread. It completely sucks that your son died so recently, so pointlessly, so unexpectedly... I'm sorry this has happened.
I hope today goes okay for you-if the mask slips, so what, you are doing your best in such difficult circumstances. Thinking of youthanks

LilyTheSavage Thu 19-Dec-13 15:04:56

Hi forcookssake (like your user name!) Thanks for your message. The mask goes on and off and I have no idea when or where it's going to slip or stay. It's all a bit of a lottery and I just have to roll with it.

XX

RachaelAgnes Sun 22-Dec-13 13:56:06

Hi Lily
Just wanted to pop on and wish you a peaceful Christmas
Take care of yourself
Sending you love and some strength to 'do this' x

Pancakeflipper Sun 22-Dec-13 14:01:03

I read your thread in Nov and just want to say thinking of you as Christmas Days draws closer.
Will be thinking of you.

LilyTheSavage Sun 22-Dec-13 18:13:07

HI Rach and Pancake. Thank you very much for your lovely messages. It's so kind of you. At the moment I'm doing ok, but doing very little. I'm trying so hard to make it as good a Christmas as I can for my other two sons. If I just stop and go "on strike" it won't make them feel any better. It's such an effort and I'm soooo tired. I keep saying to myself "it's just another day".

A peaceful Christmas is about as much as I can hope for.

Much love to you all. flowers

angelfire Sun 22-Dec-13 19:16:50

Hello Lily
Sending you love

Skogkat Sun 22-Dec-13 20:20:16

I was reading this thread when it started (I've NCed since) and I will be thinking of you. I lost my son (due to prematurity) five years, and n the early days it is literally having to make yourself go on, for even one more minute. I love my other children so much but there's just this need, which is overpowering, for him to be there and be back and be safe.

thanks and be kind to yourself.

Big hugs to you and your family, all of them. You write beautifully.

Walk tall.

LilyTheSavage Mon 23-Dec-13 22:07:53

Thanks Angel and Skog and 50Shades. Your messages are sweet and caring and I really appreciate them. Skog - I'm very sorry for your loss too. All we can do at the moment is carry on and try so hard to make the best of things for our other children. It won't make anything better for them or make them feel any better if I go to pieces. It won't make me feel any better either, but I'd rather try and help them.
thanks

LilyTheSavage Mon 23-Dec-13 22:10:33

I'm approaching my first Christmas without my middle boy. It feels wrong, but I'm so conscious that if I go to pieces it will make my other two boys feel much worse. I have made a beautiful arrangement of flowers to take for my ds's grave and we're going to the midnight service on Christmas Eve and I shall light a candle at his grave to burn all night. The thought of him being alone is unbearable.
Desolate. Lost. Wrong.

Pancakeflipper Mon 23-Dec-13 22:26:09

It's not fair. It really is not.
Try to not think too much about the days ahead but focus on getting through it. Then plan a day to hide/cry/scream and look through your photo albums and remembering the family fun you had together.
Hugs for you Lily. You must feel very lonely.
And words cannot help.

LilyTheSavage Tue 24-Dec-13 17:45:05

Thank you Pancake. I'm trying so hard but feel so fragile and crumbly. I have my DH and DS1 and DS3 here. Have to keep it going for them. Hope you have a lovely day tomorrow.
Words do help. They show people's kindness and compassion. Being ignored is the worst thing.

thanks

RachaelAgnes Wed 25-Dec-13 14:25:53

Lily,
Have been thinking of you today. Sending big hugs
Rach x

Pancakeflipper Wed 25-Dec-13 18:44:51

Happy Christmas Lily.

Hope you are ok.

LilyTheSavage Thu 26-Dec-13 08:01:12

Hi Rach and Pancake.
Thank you very much for your messages. It was so kind of you to think of me.
We have managed our first Christmas without our darling boy. It wasn't easy but we did it. Christmas started for us late on Christmas Eve when we visited Paddy and took flowers and lit candles to burn beside him all night. I didn't sleep very well and it felt as if I spent the night thinking about him and missing him. I played Santa for DS1 (aged 23) and DS3 (aged 20). They enjoyed having stockings and seemed to manage ok. We went to have lunch and spend the day with my lovely cousin, her husband their two year old. They have been so kind and supportive. It was lovely but such hard work being cheerful and wearing that mask. I did very well and managed to shed my tears privately. I wish I could sleep a whole night. I'm so tired. I miss my boy. I keep thinking that it could still be a mistake and he might just be away somewhere and might come back, but I know he's gone. Memories are no comfort.
XXX

Pancakeflipper Thu 26-Dec-13 22:02:09

You got through the day xxxx Hope it's been a restful one today.

LilyTheSavage Thu 26-Dec-13 22:43:42

Not too bad thanks Pancake. Kept busy which I find is the best way ahead. How was your day? xx

Pancakeflipper Thu 26-Dec-13 23:12:19

It was busy Lily, had family visiting. My boys are little so it's chaos! Tomorrow more family then feet up on the sofa.

Adeleh Thu 02-Jan-14 01:32:40

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and your beautiful boy xx have only just seen your post. I'm so sorry.

LilyTheSavage Thu 02-Jan-14 05:05:03

Thank you Adeleh. In some ways New Year has been harder than Christmas. Everything at Christmas was so organised and busy but NY and NY day was horrible. I felt terribly low all day and missed my boy more than ever. My DH and I looked at the stars early one evening while we were walking the dog and I wondered if one of them was my DS. Who knows.We've just got a new puppy and my DS would have adored it. It's very sweet and a distraction but everything we do makes me think of my boy. Hearing everybody shouting Happy New Year and seeing dozens of facebook posts makes everything sharper and pointed. I just want to hibernate.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen Thu 02-Jan-14 05:20:45

So sorry Lily. X

LilyTheSavage Thu 02-Jan-14 09:20:56

Thanks QOD. I did hibernate (sort of). I went back to bed and was able to snooze for another hour. Feel much more positive following a nap and a bacon sandwich. How shallow!!!

Lily take comfort in the small things you can still enjoy, even if it is a bacon sandwich. I also found my first new year without Mia absolutely unbearable, I felt I was abandoning her to the past. But I promise you, I am not. She is here with me every day. It just took me a while to realise that - so if that thought can provide you with some comfort, please take it. xx

Adeleh Sat 04-Jan-14 01:41:31

Thinking of you xxx I'm sure your son would be glad that you'd enjoyed the sandwich. I'm sure his presence is with you, and I pray that you'll be able to sense it, as Mia's mummy said in her lovely post. A friend of mine lost her daughter, and took great comfort when another bereaved parent told her that she would think of her child every single day without fail for the rest of her life.

LilyTheSavage Tue 07-Jan-14 03:36:05

And here I am at 3am wide awake. It's the inquest today and it's been all I can think about. I think I know what's going to happen and there aren't going to be any surprises but it's still very hard to deal with.

We went to DS's grave today and wept for a long time. His grave is covered in flowers and Christmas tokens from his friends. A Christmas stocking, chocolate snowman, chocolate snowflake, a handmade Christmas wreath. People's kindness is touching. I think of my DS all the time and it isn't comforting, it's just painful.

I just want him back and it's not going to happen. sad

lotsofcheese Tue 07-Jan-14 03:43:30

Holding your hand in the wee small hours xx

Hi lily, I've just read your thread and my heart breaks for you. I have four boys and the thought of losing one of them makes me feel physically ill. I just wanted to say that I'm abroad, so it's daytime here, and I can be here to chat/listen/handhold as required. I can't imagine how you must feel about the inquest. xx

Lily, thinking of you today. The inquest process can be impossibly hard and confronting. All I can hope is that your coroner was compassionate and kindly, and that any questions you may have had were answered by the process.

Wildhorses123 Tue 07-Jan-14 20:01:22

Hi Lily,
I've just seen your thread and wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your beautiful boy. I can only imagine how you must feel and think you are being so brave getting through a day at a time. This raw pain will ease over time. I'm sorry, I feel my words are inadequate but want you to know I'm reaching out to you.

LilyTheSavage Wed 08-Jan-14 11:50:33

Thank you Wildhorses and Lil and lotsofcheese. Your kind words are soothing and calming. It is still unbelievably raw and painful. It feels like being stabbed in the ribs.

Thank you Mia's. The Coroner was extremely kind and compassionate and we got through it as best we could. His staff have also been wonderfully kind and caring There were no surprises and we knew what the outcome was going to be. Unfortunately there were a couple of reporters there who have decided to print the story in great detail. How can it possibly be in the public interest to print private and upsetting details? I am shaking with fury. Hope you're ok too. I'm going to make a cup of tea and lie in a hot bath. I said I'd work a day next week (I'm a primary school teacher) but quite honestly I don't think I'm fit to be in charge of small children. Have to wait and see.

brew

justhere Wed 08-Jan-14 12:22:44

Lily, my heart goes out to you. I am so so sorry for your loss. I haven't been on Mumsnet for ages but saw your thread and had to post.

I lost an adult brother from a needless and tragic accident many years ago. My parents had great difficulty with it obviously and it was extremely hard for me and all my siblings because they internalised it all and even mentioning his name felt wrong. We never really talked about it or him ever again very much (although I did try to with them but they didn't want to) and you talking about him with your boys is so much the way to do it because they feel the loss terribly too.

I am sorry to hear about the reporters. This happened with us all those years ago, it was reported on the news and the papers with hidden innuendo and it was awful.

I shall be thinking of you and hoping that the pain eases in time. xx

jenniferjain Wed 08-Jan-14 12:27:19

Im so sorry to here this

<<hugs>>

Oh Lily, I have just seen your thread and my heart is breaking for you. I know that nothing I can say will ease the pain, but want you to know that I'm thinking of you.

Thank goodness the inquest is over. Good luck with the return to work, when you feel ready. Can you do half a day to begin with, to see how you manage?

Sending love to you and your family. xx

LilyTheSavage Wed 08-Jan-14 17:34:44

Hi again everybody. Thanks for your kind messages.

Justhere - special thanks for sharing your story. I'm very sorry for your loss too. My DH and I definitely haven't internalised our feelings about DS's death and often talk about him when his other brothers are around, as well as with friends in normal conversation. It's good to know that this will be helpful to them. They don't really want to talk in any depth, but just mention him from time to time. I am so upset that the reporter thinks that a private tragedy is suitable material for the general public. It's in no way in the public interest to print this and it is intrusive and wounding. Bastards!
Anger has got me through today, but let's see how tomorrow feels.
xx

lily I sympathise about the intrusion in your lives by that reporter. Very invasive, and so not what you needed. But glad the coroner and his team were professional and sympathetic. It is a big step to get through - we felt very flat and drained after Mia's inquest was over, but also a sense of relief.

LilyTheSavage Sun 12-Jan-14 14:58:29

Thanks Mia's. It was awful and also I didn't tell my parents about the inquest until it was all over and done with. I didn't want them there as I knew it would be distressing, and I didn't want to feel I needed to look after them. I told them about it afterwards and they went online and read the account. The reporter had taken a few facts and woven them together to make a story that didn't actually happen. Toxic shit! I am too sad to feel any sense of relief. I just feel flat and drained (like you said you were). It's hard to believe that he even existed when I look at lovely smiley photos. It's so hard to know that he's gone.

BananaSoup Tue 14-Jan-14 17:25:56

I haven't posted on your thread since November I'm afraid, but I just wanted to say well done for getting through Christmas and New Year. I'm so sorry the reporter was so insensitive. flowers[hugs]

LilyTheSavage Tue 14-Jan-14 21:23:47

Thanks Banana. We survived Christmas, New Year and the inquest. Next hurdle is my 50th birthday this week, and then Paddy's birthday in March. It's a year of firsts....

LilyTheSavage Fri 31-Jan-14 20:11:46

It's all just a question of surviving these firsts at the moment. I didn't want to celebrate my 50th but it had to be marked in some way so that when it's DS3's 21st in the summer I can do something to mark his special day. Survived our wedding anniversary.

Next big hurdle is his memorial stone being placed and then dedicated and blessed followed a few days later by his birthday. That's going to be a biggie to get through.

Anti-depressants are the way ahead for me at the moment. Might help me to get some sense of balance and order in my life instead of the roller-coaster that it is at the moment.

headoverheels Sat 01-Feb-14 08:56:42

Hi Lily

I've just seen your thread and I wanted to say how very sorry I am. I have 3 DC and I can't imagine losing one of them in the way you describe. The pain must be overwhelming.

Glad to hear that the anti depressants are helping a little and that you have made it through the recent milestone dates. You are so brave.

When is the memorial stone placing and blessing?

Sending hugs.

LilyTheSavage Sat 01-Feb-14 11:46:04

Thank you headoverheels. It's good to have achieved some balance even if it is a chemically induced balance. It works for the moment.

The blessing and dedication are on the 2nd March which is five days before Paddy's birthday. The school that he attended are having their Old Boys weekend that weekend which is why we're aiming to have the stone in place then so that his friends can see it and be there. There is usually a hockey match between the School First XI and the Old Boys. This year they have agreed to forgo their part in the match and instead the local hockey club's men first team will play the Old Boys in memory of Paddy. He and his older brother both played for the local club as well as for school. It is a truly lovely gesture. What is also very nice is that an old friend of Paddy's is making his stone as a final gift to him. His kindness is overwhelming and is hard to bear.
Thanks. thanks

LilyTheSavage Mon 10-Feb-14 09:28:20

Six months feels like a lifetime,
a split second and yesterday.

My darling Paddy.

takeitaway Mon 10-Feb-14 10:11:08

Hi Lily,

Thinking of you and wishing you strength today.

Your love for your dear boy shines through every post you write.

Mojito100 Mon 10-Feb-14 14:44:15

Lily - my heart goes out to you. I am so very sorry for your tragic loss and no words I can say can take that terrible aching pain away. I lost my DD 5 years ago in a senseless tragedy and knowing what you are going through now I wish I could take the burden from you, return your beautiful boy to you and let you live the wonderful life you had before his passing. This grief we live with can be all consuming and overwhelming. I have my dark days where it all gets too much and then I have my days where I am managing to pretend the mask is working. Be kind to yourself and let the emotions be within you. It's hard at times as they are so painful but don't rush the process. How you feel at any given time is meant to be and right for you. Grief is so individual and even though us parents who have lost loved ones walk the same path it is also our own unique path. My heart is with you and I wish I had seen your post sooner so I could let you know I am here with you and always happy to listen.

Mojito100 Mon 10-Feb-14 14:49:53

On another note in my experience reporters are absolute vulchers and deserve to be treated with contempt. Their sensationalist approach for the purpose of titillating readers offers no respect to those whose loved ones have passed or to the memory if the dearly departed. I am sorry you had to suffer this.

LilyTheSavage Mon 10-Feb-14 16:46:35

Hi mojito Thank you for your kind words. You said exactly what I go through every day. I'm so sorry about your DD, and I think that you understand.
thanks for mojito

LilyTheSavage Mon 17-Feb-14 08:05:54

And so today my darling boy's headstone is being erected. It's been made by one of his oldest friends who is now a memorial stonemason. What a wonderful last gift. To say that I'm not looking forward to seeing his name carved in stone is something of an understatement, but his place needs to be marked.
sad

Flopsygrowsup Mon 17-Feb-14 08:20:26

Blessings xx

ajandjjmum Mon 17-Feb-14 08:26:57

I haven't seen this thread before, and with a 22 year old son, my heart bleeds for you. Wishing you strength today - what a boy he must have been to have generated such love, not only from his family, but from so many friends.

Mojito100 Mon 17-Feb-14 09:06:51

My heart is with you today. May you feel the presence of all of us who have lost loved ones standing beside you, holding hands and giving you our strength at this significant time.

LilyTheSavage Mon 17-Feb-14 20:57:52

Thank you Flopsy and ajandjjmum and Mojito.

I have been surprisingly calm today. I felt very sad and emotional when I saw Paddy's stone, but his friend has done the most amazing job. The stone is going to be dedicated and blessed soon and a lot of his friends will be there. I just miss him terribly. He should be here.

Lily. Paddy. Love. Forever and always.

I am so glad Paddy's friend has done him proud. Xx

LilyTheSavage Tue 18-Feb-14 07:54:25

Thanks Mia's
I have some snowdrops on my kitchen windowsill and I think of Mia....

Love and light. XX

Mojito100 Fri 21-Feb-14 13:07:47

Lily, just letting you know I am thinking if you.

LilyTheSavage Fri 21-Feb-14 14:10:53

Thanks Mojito. That's so kind of you. How are you doing today?

thanks for Mojito

Mojito100 Sat 22-Feb-14 14:15:41

I'm good at the moment. Missing DD every single day but am coming out of the worst of it. The three months each side of Christmas are the worst for me. Keep going forward is my mantra but as you know there are just some days it's hard to put that foot in front if the other. My Psych says things change over the years but I don't see hie this toy feeling will ever move.

LilyTheSavage Sun 23-Feb-14 08:46:25

Glad you're doing ok. I'm calm most of the time (thanks to the antidepressants that I take) but am in turmoil underneath. The mask is on and I sort of function. The searing pain that tells me he is really gone is never far from the surface and is in danger of erupting at any time.

Keep going forward.... not moving on, as to me, that implies forgetting our DC. I sometimes think that I'm afraid to be ok as when I'm feeling that I'm in the depths of despair that at least I'm thinking of my DS and I'm more sort of 'with him', and that there is no space for happy thoughts of him. The bad thoughts and missing him push out the happy thoughts. I don't know if that makes sense.

ann1986 Sun 23-Feb-14 22:37:59

Dear Lily I lost my son in a tragic road accident over 20 years ago. I thought I had dealt with his grief. I havent and I never will. I remember once, many years ago, attending a meeting of parents that had lost their children. I was so angry with all of them. How could they understand how I felt? They had no idea of my pain!! 20 years later the pain of losing my son Matthew is just as raw. He was 6 years old. The pain continues. If you need someone to talk to, please feel free to message me. I am so sorry for your loss but I do know how it feels to lose such an amazing beautiful boy much too soon xx

ann1986 Sun 23-Feb-14 23:06:17

How long will I love you?
As long as stars above you
And longer, if I can.
How long will I need you?
As long as the seasons need to
Follow their plan.

How long will I be with you?
As long as the sea is bound to
Wash upon the sand.

How long will I want you?
As long as you want me too
And longer by far.
How long will I hold you?
As long as your father told you,
As long as you can.

How long will I give to you?
As long as I live through you
However long you say.

How long will I love you?
As long as stars above you
And longer, if I may.

Mojito100 Mon 24-Feb-14 10:56:42

Lily, I completely understand. It's how I feel. I was pleased to read Ann's post as I'm confident no matter how many years pass the pain will always be just below the surface and the slightest scratch will bring it out. The psych says the grief/feelings do change over time but I just can't see that being the case. Only time will tell. Sorry my messages don't always make sense. I type them on my phone and tiny keypad. Keep your memories close and know we are all here for you.

LilyTheSavage Mon 24-Feb-14 12:29:00

Hi ann and mojito

I can understand that you will always have your grief, but I'm hoping that it will become more manageable and that it will be easier to keep "the mask" in place. People say that time heals and quite honestly, I just want to hit them. Well meaning platitudes aren't really helpful, but I guess people want to say something to try and help and platitudes are the best they can come up with.
mojito - don't worry, your messages make perfect sense to me.

Hope you both have a calm and peaceful day.

LilyTheSavage Fri 28-Feb-14 07:18:06

We're starting a big weekend remembering Paddy. His headstone is being blessed and dedicated on Sunday. We've asked family and friends to join us for a picnic pot-luck lunch followed by a hockey match in his memory. It will be bitter sweet. I sometimes wonder whether actively seeking memories is harder than just the day-to-day functions. I don't have an answer to that question.

Mojito100 Fri 28-Feb-14 13:30:40

Lily, I'm with you in spirit on this day. I'm sure it will be bittersweet and I also don't know if actively seeking memories is harder than day to day. Both can be so overwhelming. I know you will feel the love and support from those with you on the day but in those quiet times you need for yourself I hope you feel all of our love and support with you. Remember him always and know that he loved you as much as you lived him. Thank you for continuing to share your journey with us.

LilyTheSavage Sun 02-Mar-14 08:02:02

Thank you very much mojito

I do feel that a lot of love and support comes from my wonderful faceless friends here on MN. It's odd I guess how much you can be given from strangers.... but actually, the strangers become friends too.

I hope he knows how loved he is.

Sending love to you too. I know you have your own pain and grief, so thank you for thinking of us. XX

LilyTheSavage Wed 05-Mar-14 17:24:46

After a lovely weekend commemorating Paddy and blessing and dedicating his headstone I have been thinking about him more and more. It would be his 22nd birthday on Friday and at the moment it is hard to bear.

Spent too much of today in tears. Let's hope tomorrow feels a bit brighter.

Mojito100 Thu 06-Mar-14 09:23:31

Lily, let your tears flow. Be kind to yourself and do what feels right for you whether that be burying your head under the covers, partying till you can't party anymore to celebrate his life or all the things in between. I don't think there is anything that can be said to make it easier or help you get through. Just know that however you are and whatever you do is right for you and is needed. Don't forget all those who will be remembering their own unique memories of your wonderful son and take as much comfort from that as you can.

I may have never met him but I feel his presence through you and will raise my glass to him this Friday. His memory will live forever.

Hugs for you from me.

LilyTheSavage Thu 06-Mar-14 23:18:07

Thank you. It's his birthday in 48 minutes and I'm counting down. I don't know if I'll stay up or go to bed. I'm so tired but not sleepy. And then in three days it will be 7 months. How time flies.

I shall try and do nice things tomorrow and think of my boy - as if I don't think of all my three boys all day every day.

Mojito100 Thu 06-Mar-14 23:51:41

All my love to you on Paddy's birthday.

tshirtsuntan Fri 07-Mar-14 00:03:07

thanks just thanks and loads of love x

Mojito100 Fri 07-Mar-14 09:44:59

Lily - I have had a full on day but have thought of you often throughout it. I am about to crack open a nice bottle of wine and lift my glass to your wonderful son. Take care today.

LilyTheSavage Fri 07-Mar-14 11:00:19

Thanks mojito and tshirtsuntan.

It's a bit too early for wine here but I'd actually really like to have a sneaky glass. Medicinal purposes obviously!

Mojito100 Sat 08-Mar-14 14:43:35

Lily - thinking of you today.

LilyTheSavage Tue 11-Mar-14 08:17:51

Thank you mojito.

I haven't been too great the last few days. My DSs birthday and our efforts to celebrate him were hard and exhausting. I put on a good act when I was with my other DSs but all the time it feels like what it is... an act. I miss him so much. Sometimes it feels surreal and that it hasn't happened, and other times it's just all too real.

Mojito100 Tue 11-Mar-14 11:14:12

Lily, I just posted to you on another thread but wanted to say more to you here. Don't ever feel you "need" to respond if you aren't up to it. We all need time out for ourselves. I just wanted you to know I knew this time would be challenging on so many levels for you and I'm here for you in anyway I can be.

Anniversaries and special times are exhausting, confronting, tiring, emotional, destabilising and a whole range of other things all bundled into one period. I wanted to say more in my last thread but didn't want to seem trite so kept it simple.

I was confident that you held it together for all those around you and I am sure you supported everyone through Paddy's birthday leaving little time for yourself. That's what I do during our memory moments as I think of them. Afterwards I find I have no emotional capacity for others and need that time out to work things through for me and get back to what is my new normal. Not that I or any if us ever wanted this version of normal.

I know just what you mean about things being surreal. I have processed the practicality of our loss but there are times when it just does not feel real. They are shitty moments because you come back to earth with a mighty thud.

Take the time you need for you, I and the other mnetters are here for you when you need.

Mojito100 Wed 12-Mar-14 14:19:55

Lily, no need to post. I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you during this tough trot.

Mojito100 Fri 14-Mar-14 15:00:43

Thinking of you. Take care.

LilyTheSavage Wed 19-Mar-14 15:39:02

Hi everybody.
Thanks for your messages. I haven't been on MN for a while again because I just found everything hard to deal with. My DS's memorial, then his birthday, then St Patrick's Day. It's all been quite exhausting. Add to all this getting ready to move house and shifting things about.... I have to go back to our home in France to see the builders which is tiring. I'll be glad to go there, but at the same time, it's the place where I last saw my DS before he died. Everything is so resonant. I just feel like curling up and sleeping.
I'll be back soon. sad

Mojito100 Thu 20-Mar-14 13:30:30

Be kind to yourself.

LilyTheSavage Wed 26-Mar-14 19:24:09

thanksfor mojito and wine

Mojito100 Thu 27-Mar-14 10:46:50

Hugs, hugs, hugs to you Lily.

LilyTheSavage Fri 28-Mar-14 23:49:16

It's Mothers Day on Sunday and it's another "special" day to get through. My first without my darling boy. I have to put on the mask for the sake of the other two who are 24 and nearly 21. They are old enough and sensitive enough to be aware of my emotions and I don't want them to have to deal with my sadness as well as their own. I want them to be able to allow themselves to be happy. Too many "special" days in March this year. There's this ever present shadow of sorry over everything that I do. I manage to put on a good act sometimes for a short while, but it's just overwhelming and leaves me feeling utterly exhausted.

Mojito100 Sat 29-Mar-14 02:32:28

March is definitely such a terribly tough time for you. I can't offer much other than to say I understand as I do the same for my family in terms of not wanting them to be burdened with my feelings.

Keep the mask on as best you can and rest as much as you can. Thinking of you.

LilyTheSavage Sat 29-Mar-14 09:43:16

Thanks mojito. The sun is shining today and the mask is easier to wear then than when it's raining and miserable. Hope you have a good day.

Mojito100 Sun 30-Mar-14 16:18:16

Nothing to say to help you get through lily. Just to know I'm thinking of you. Saying its a tough time really doesn't do you justice. You have had to go through so much over the last month. Sometimes it's hard to be strong I know but I think you are amazing at all you are dealing with and how you are coping. Do take the time you need just to he by yourself and recharge.

LilyTheSavage Sun 30-Mar-14 22:00:17

Hi. Today was better than I thought it was going to be, mainly due to my two amazing sons. They were just here. My husband works overseas but he rang early on. The boys made lunch for me and we just chilled together. It was very bearable. It's hard to strike the balance between wearing my mask for their sake and allowing myself to miss their brother. I want them to know that it's ok for them to be ok, or for them to show they're grieving..... whatever works for them I guess.

I'm exhausted though.

olympicsrock Sun 30-Mar-14 23:35:28

LILY

I know that all 3 of your boys would agree "Best mum world" and you make great cake! xxxxx

You are doing so well

LilyTheSavage Mon 31-Mar-14 08:42:54

Thanks darling. You made me grin

LilyTheSavage Thu 03-Apr-14 21:18:29

Just when you think there might be a glimmer of hope and you can deal with life, something really silly or small knocks me off my feet and I feel like I'm right back at square one.

I went to the churchyard to visit my DS's grave and tidy it up. There were so many new flowers there and I was very moved that people are still bothering. It just swamped and overwhelmed me and I sat on the ground and sobbed and sobbed. It was such a lovely sunny afternoon and it seemed even more wrong that he's not here with us.

I can't even remember what triggered this. Maybe it was seeing his name in stone. Maybe it was the flowers. I just don't know.

It doesn't get any easier.

Treasa24 Fri 04-Apr-14 00:05:25

Hi Lily

Just been reading your posts. Thinking of you and your lovely DSs. I want to say, as Lily has above, that you should always let the tears flow.

People are still bothering with flowers because your DS is, quite simply, worth it. He sounds like a lovely lad with a great character and a wonderful mother.

Take comfort in the love and support of the people who lay the flowers, in your family and friends in RL and on MN - an extraordinary community as I've found out time and time again during some pretty difficult times in my life.

March has been tough for you. Can you plan to do something very special for yourself, possibly with your other DSs, in April or May? Is there somewhere you could go or something you could do which, you feel, might lift your spirits?

If you're still up, sleep peacefully. xx

LilyTheSavage Fri 04-Apr-14 08:53:51

HI Treasa
Thank you for your kind message. I really do feel humbled that other people are still remembering DS2. He was an especially lovely young man and it's just so horribly unfair that we are without him. He was a good and kind person and everybody loved him.

March has been really tough. His gravestone was erected, we had his memorial weekend, it was his birthday, it was St Patrick's Day (my DS was called Patrick - Paddy) and then Mothers' Day. Just too much all in a cluster of weeks. I'm glad that March is over. But the sense of loss and longing doesn't go away.

Be kind to yourself too. brew

Mojito100 Fri 04-Apr-14 18:22:50

Here for you lily.

LilyTheSavage Fri 04-Apr-14 22:17:16

Thanks mojito.
Had a lovely evening with DS1 and his fabulous GF, DS3 and two girl friends of his. I had had enough of it all by 9 and just felt overwhelmingly sad that DS2 wasn't there with us.
I've gone to bed very early to try and have some peace and quiet. Can't cope with so much. Ridiculous!

Mojito100 Sat 05-Apr-14 11:37:53

It's not ridiculous. I'm not sure that ache and longing ever go away. It's funny because you live in the moment and have a laugh enjoying the company and then all if a sudden it just a hits you. Good for you heading off to bed. Sometimes there is nothing better than just being alone and quiet.

LilyTheSavage Sat 05-Apr-14 12:26:43

I knew you'd not think I was being irrational. Peace and quiet did the trick.

I'd like a calm day today and it's started ok. Hope you get a good weekend. xx

Mojito100 Wed 09-Apr-14 15:26:55

Lily, just checking in with you personally. There's a lot on in others lives and I know you are there for them. Just making sure you are doing as good as you can as it is still such a tough time for you.

There are so many special days and moments to come which will so unfortunately remind you of the most wonderful person who is now not here with you. I don't know if they get easier all I know is they are shitty times and moments to go through but you do because you must.

I hope you are ok in yourself.

LilyTheSavage Wed 09-Apr-14 21:40:00

Thanks very much Mojito. Today hasn't been so good. Just one of those days where all I can think about is DS2.... and his last moments and when we last saw him. A very soggy and weepy day.

It's been one of those days where it almost seems unbelievable and then I remember seeing him dead and it all comes back with hideous clarity.

Heartbreaking.

Mojito100 Thu 10-Apr-14 09:59:49

You are right. It is heartbreaking. Take care.

LilyTheSavage Thu 10-Apr-14 10:38:43

Yet another tenth of the month. Eight months since my darling boy died. I sometimes can't quite believe he isn't here and that he's just gone somewhere and then it all comes crashing back with hideous clarity.

How can this be right.

I miss my boy.

Mojito100 Thu 10-Apr-14 15:18:53

Oh lily, I've just hopped onto MN before I go to sleep as I wanted to say I wish I was near you to hug and cry with you. Then I saw your message. I wish I was there even more so now. That desperation, or is it desolation, is just so overwhelming it can never be expressed in words. I hope you have someone to hold you as you cry. Grief can be the loneliest feeling in the world.

I can truly feel your feelings just in what you write. Imagine me there with you carrying some of the horrendous grief you are burdened with. Just to hold your hand and cry with you, hug you or just sit quietly. Whatever you need.

Take care, and in those moments you have where you can let in the wonderful memories do so. It hurts but it is worth it if not just to block out the horrible thoughts that so often crowd in.

LilyTheSavage Thu 10-Apr-14 16:18:58

Thank you so much. It's been a really tough morning. I went to the churchyard to tidy up his grave and re-plant a bowl with lovely summer flowers and spent most of my time weeping. Just wishing he was there. Wondering if he ever knew anything, wondering if his last thoughts were of me..... so draining. There's no space in my head for anything else sometimes. I met a very good friend down there for lunch, and if it had been anybody other than her I would have cancelled.

Next time I shall try hard to imagine you there with me holding my hand. I hope you'll be able to imagine me beside you too hand in hand with you. We are travelling a hideous path together and even the most well-meaning of our friends and family cannot fathom what it is that we bear. I don't want them to be able to imagine because it would mean that they had to go through it too.

I hope you slept last night and had some space for happy thoughts. XXX

Mojito100 Fri 11-Apr-14 17:37:14

Keep taking one step at a time. Stop to grieve when you need. It's all you can do. Love and hugs.

LilyTheSavage Sat 12-Apr-14 07:40:07

One foot in front of the other..... and repeat. It's a bit like marathon training. xx

Mojito100 Sat 12-Apr-14 19:22:24

It is a marathon and a shitty one that never finishes!

LilyTheSavage Sun 13-Apr-14 08:10:08

Had a very emotional, but proud night last night when we presented the Paddy Kellett Trophy for the Banbury Hockey Club Player of the Year. It went to a very, very lovely man who is a very special friend of DS1's and Paddy's. He was overwhelmed to receive it. I didn't cry but I just shook instead.

Mojito100 Tue 15-Apr-14 15:54:54

Lily, I didn't see your last post until just now. I came here just to check in on you. How heartbreaking to he awarding a trophy in memory of Paddy yet how wonderful it was to present it to someone significant in your boys lives. I am confident he will treasure it and that the significance will always be with him.

I hope you are managing to get by. Let me know.

Things are good my end however I have a session with the psych planned this week where I'm going to attempt to open the lid on all my hidden thoughts and feelings. It may go pear shaped. We'll see what happens.

Take care.

LilyTheSavage Tue 15-Apr-14 21:24:30

Hi Mojito. It was heartbreaking but celebratory at the same time. One of Paddy's best friends made the most fantastic speech about him and I managed not to cry in front of everybody. The man who won the trophy will treasure that for ever, I know. I'm so glad that he won it.

I'm ok, but up and down. My husband is back for a couple of weeks which is lovely.

I hope your psych session goes well and that it helps you to get some answers. Do you have somebody lovely there to hold your hand and give you a hug when you're out? Which day is it and I can look out for you on here. XXX

Mojito100 Tue 15-Apr-14 23:14:16

My session is tomorrow I'll update you on my thread as this is your special one. I'm pleased your husband is home. It must be just as challenging for him as it is for you yet no doubt slightly different too.

The tears can be so painful yet really are one of the best things. I know what you mean about your thoughts and all the questions you have about his last moments. I have all of those too. It is terribly confronting when those thoughts and questions come into your head. I still push them away as they are so hard to contemplate.

No one special to hold me and help me through at this end. MN really has helped just finding others who understand has been invaluable.

Chat soon.

Mojito100 Fri 18-Apr-14 01:45:41

Lily, I was thinking if you at 3.30 this morning when the dog woke me up. How are your boys coping with the loss of DS2? I hope you all share your memories of him. It may be too soon to do that without it being incredibly raw and painful but I do hope you all feel you can talk about him.

I think you are amazing and I know you get on with things for the sake of others. I hope they open up to you about how they feel as, like you have said before, thinking and talking about DS2 no matter how hard is so much better than not.

LilyTheSavage Fri 18-Apr-14 11:37:09

Bloody dog!
My other two DS cope very well mainly. The oldest very rarely mentions DS2 and then it's only a quick comment. I think that's all he can manage at the moment. DS3 is more open and talks a bit more. He decided he needed help and asked for it at university and got counselling. The older one says he doesn't need/want help.

It's very hard getting the balance between talking about DS2 with/to them and talking about other things. They have to know how much we miss DS2 but it doesn't mean that we love them any the less, or that they're any less important. It's such a juggling act. xxx

Mojito100 Fri 18-Apr-14 16:02:01

It is a juggling act and is exactly the same with my two. I don't want the loss of their sister to overshadow their lives but also don't want her to he forgotten as she was a part of their lives. You will know what is right to do with your boys I'm sure.

I hope DS1 does ask for help at some stage. It is a big burden to carry around but I get that it just may be too soon for him.

I have taken both my boys to a psych since we lost DD but this has been very low key. There is no pressure to talk and I always do cake with them beforehand as a treat. I want them to know that there is help in the world and there is always a safe place to go and talk to someone. My eldest is the one who holds it all in and rarely says much. At some stage it will hit him and he will need to work through everything. I hope he uses a psych then.

LilyTheSavage Fri 18-Apr-14 17:19:49

I think that my oldest DS aged 24 this month is too big and grown up to be taken anywhere! He's served in Afghanistan and is a proper grown-up man with his own mind. I've suggested some counselling but he wasn't interested. I can only suggest. My youngest is 21 this summer and he's much more articulate about it all, but still doesn't say much.

Somebody said to me that you're only ever as happy as your unhappiest child. Wise words. xx

Mojito100 Tue 22-Apr-14 17:49:07

Lily, hope you are taking care of yourself. Another celebration and time family spend together has just passed. The boys and I are off on a few days holiday and will be out of email range. Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and will be while we are away. I'll touch base when we are back.

LilyTheSavage Wed 23-Apr-14 07:27:08

Survived it. Thank you for thinking of me. It was ok but my DH was home for a couple of weeks. He works overseas and it was good to spend time together. We went to DS2's grave a few times together and just wept.

It all is such a terrible waste for him to die. I nearly died having him and had such a battle to give him life, yet he died in such a pointless unneccessary accident. If only, if only if only....

Mojito100 Tue 29-Apr-14 15:05:56

Hi lily, just checking in. Being a bit quiet at the moment and just rembeging DD. Taking a little time for myself to get my thoughts together.

Hope you and your DH are coping ok. It must be nice to have him back with you.

LilyTheSavage Wed 30-Apr-14 08:52:44

Hi Mojito.
I'm ok mainly thanks. It was lovely having my husband home but I miss him when he's working away. I'm up to my ears getting sorted out for moving in a couple of weeks. I have very mixed feelings about moving. We are living in a rented house at the moment but are buying a cottage in the same village as DS1. I am very excited about moving in and getting sorted out, but I feel very strange about moving to a house where we won't have lived with DS2. I have a lovely friend coming to help me so that will make it easier. (I'll message you on your thread).
thanks for you!

Mojito100 Wed 30-Apr-14 15:17:04

Lily, you have had so much to cope with since your darling boy passed away. Moving house will be another huge hurdle and will bring with it so many different and raw emotions. I'm pleased you have a good friend to help you as it will be tough no doubt. We are all here for you in any way we can be.

I know it's not the same as having him with you but you do still carry him in your heart and mind. Share the new house with him in whatever way you can.

After DD passed we relocated a couple of times and even though she wasn't physically present here our spare room has some of her things in it and I think of it as hers. As you know I'm going to create a special place for her too and I think this will make it a little easier and also a little more hers too. Think about that for yourself If and when you are ready.

LilyTheSavage Thu 01-May-14 12:24:59

Thank you for your post. It's very comforting to know that there are friends at the end of the computer who really do understand. I don't want my RL friends to understand fully because that would mean that they would have had to go through the agony of losing a child.

Paddy's pictures will go on the stairs and other photos will be around the house, as they are here together with pictures of our other two sons. He will always be with us.

Mojito100 Sun 04-May-14 14:38:00

Just check

Mojito100 Sun 04-May-14 14:46:59

Ok let me try that again! Just checking in with you Lily, hope you are managing as best you can at the moment. Packing up your house for your move I am sure you are finding so many things that bring back so many memories. I hope you are managing to not only have a good cry but also a gentle laugh or two at the memories that are being triggered.

I know there will be memories of not just Paddy but your memories of him will no doubt be bittersweet. Not only are you moving which is challenging enough without having lost such a special soul it is also nearly the 10th of the month and another mini anniversary to bring it all back again.

I remember those months like they were yesterday. I remember the tears at night alone in bed, I remember the constant thoughts of them during the day and the confronting thoughts of how they passed that I still shove to the back of my mind. It all changes and evolves as time marches on but it doesn't take much to go back there either. Continue to be as kind to yourself as you can and take time out for yourself. Moving house is hard work. This next period will be tough no doubt.

ZingWatermelon Sun 04-May-14 15:22:03

no more soft and delicious

I read up to that Lily and it just sums it up.sad sad

What a terrible tragedy, I'm so sorrythanks

I had a MC in 2008, she would have just turned 5.
I know it's not the same as loosing a child who was born, lived in your life and died, but not being able to see, hug or kiss them, having your hopes and dreams for them being crushed is painful, no matter what.
(as someone once wisely phrased it "grief is not a competition")

I hope you're better able to cope now then those very early days - although I think the first year of grieving with all the firsts is just the most cruel.

sending you much strength and peace of mind.

big hugs

ZingWatermelon Sun 04-May-14 15:23:17

also sorry for your loss Mojito and all who posted about the loss of their precious childrensad thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks

Moving home is a huge deal. I can imagine how hard it is for you. Just remember that you carry Paddy in your heart, wherever you go. xx

LilyTheSavage Mon 05-May-14 08:11:08

Hi everybody. I'm back again. I just went to see some friends for a couple of days. Hi zing thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry about your MC. You're right about grief not being a competition. I sometimes feel guilty when I catch myself laughing or having a nice time as if somehow somebody somewhere is looking at me and thinking "how can she laugh when her DS died". It's hard.
mias I won't be far away from you when I move ... still good for visits! I've already decided where to put Paddy's pictures and photos of all my three boys. They will go on the stairs where I can say hello when I'm going up and down but where I don't have to see them all the time, if you see what I mean. Seeing pictures is hard.

ZingWatermelon Mon 05-May-14 13:08:58

oh, Lily, please don't ever feel guilty about laughing, feeling happy or joyful.
Your soul needs little breaks to cope with your heart ache.
Happy moments are so rare, best to enjoy them - that doesn't mean we miss our dear children any less, or betray their memories or anything like that!

In fact I have come to think the opposite.

I believe they are in Heaven and they are ok.
they look down and when we are happy they feel happy for us too.
As if they could say "Mum, I'm ok, please don't be sad.
I love you and I want you to be ok too"

That's how I see it.
Even if it makes no sense.
thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks

LilyTheSavage Tue 06-May-14 08:34:16

That makes sense Zing and I'm trying to convince myself. It's taking a lot of work though.

It feels as if I'm not missing Paddy any more just because I can laugh sometimes. Tough.

ZingWatermelon Tue 06-May-14 12:00:56

Lily

but that conversation is only in your head.
not in your heart.

it must be incredibly tough and nobody is expecting you to be smiley and happy or pretend your heart didn't get ripped apart!

but with time I think you will see that a cheerful moment doesn't take anything away from missing Paddy.
you will always miss him and remember him.

I remember how guilty I used to feel when I woke up and my first thought wasn't "I lost a baby, I can't cope with today".
It's the hardest thing.

I wonder if like survival's guilt is similar

ZingWatermelon Tue 06-May-14 12:01:28

(ignore the word like in last sentence)

LilyTheSavage Wed 07-May-14 10:53:29

Thanks Zing..... it made sense.

I think it must be something like survivor's guilt. Mother's guilt that I didn't do something that somehow could have prevented the accident (even though I was in another country).

I feel guilty even when I do feel happy or enjoy myself. I know Paddy would want us all to be happy, but it's hard to allow it happen.

ZingWatermelon Wed 07-May-14 13:49:47

Lily

you need time. be kind to yourself.
best thing maybe to have no expectations as to how you should feel.

I think it's easier if you just let yourself be, as you are.

and you know there's nothing you could have done to prevent his fucking horrible accident.
Sometimes there's nothing we can or could have done.
Thinking maybe you could have is very toxic and will rob you of peace - I guess if anything that's a thought to try and erase from your mind.

when you are ready.

sending you more big hugs

(when I told about my MC, someone blamed me for it.
she said it happened because 'I like being miserable so my body got rid of baby, so that I could always have something to be miserable about'.
confused hmm sad angry
can you believe that? shock
even though I don't like being miserable and wasn't looking to have an excuse for when I am and I know it was unpreventable that baby died & definitely not my fault it still took me a while to ignore that poisonous bile and not be permanently affected by it.)

sourdrawers Wed 07-May-14 14:09:35

My heart goes out to you LiLy. I'll be thinking of you.. Please be strong.

Mojito100 Wed 07-May-14 14:22:39

Zing - what an utterly despicable thing for someone to day to you.

Lily, as always I'm thinking of you. It's our Mother's Day here this weekend so when I am out with the boys for breakfast I will raise my coffee cup to each and everyone of us who has lost someone so precious in our lives.

LilyTheSavage Wed 07-May-14 17:38:59

Zing Some people are miserable fuckers and don't deserve oxygen. How utterly horrible for you to have to deal with that.

Mojito my lovely friend. Enjoy your Mothers' Day and I'll raise a coffee to you as well this weekend.

It's 9 months on Saturday and it feels like yesterday and years ago all rolled into one. I'm so afraid of forgetting what he smells like, and looks like, and feels like and just IS. It just breaks my heart all over again every time I see his picture.

ZingWatermelon Wed 07-May-14 18:17:08

Thanks chicks.
she is no longer a friend.

Lily
sad
how are your sons coping? and your DH? do you feel you are able to support each other?

Happy Mother's day Mojitothanks

LilyTheSavage Thu 08-May-14 07:49:45

Glad you don't count her as a friend. To be honest, she's lucky still to be alive making comments like that. Bitch!

My other two sons are ok.... whatever that is. The youngest (21 next month) is at uni and he's very focussed on his work and he has good friends around him. He had some counselling which he said helped and he seems to be in good form. The oldest (24 next week) is very focussed on his work and his training and is very quiet. He's always quiet anyway. They occasionally mention their brother but they don't shy away when I mention him. They deal with their loss in their own ways I guess. My DH works overseas but we speak several times every day and he manages like me. We have good moments and we have wobbly moments. I guess we just have to work our way through the fog.

VitoCorleone Italy Thu 08-May-14 09:41:58

Lily I have just read this whole thread, I'm so very sorry to hear you lost your son, ive wrote and deleted this post about 6 times now as nothing i say sounds right, so im just going to say that im thinking of you, please don't feel guilty when you find yourself smiling or laughing, im sure your son would want to see his mum happy thanks

LilyTheSavage Thu 08-May-14 15:41:49

Thanks vito for your message. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing, it was just right.

I'm finding things a bit overwhelming this afternoon and am now lying in my bed even though there are a million and one things I ought to be doing for moving house next week. My wonderful DBrother is driving a long way tomorrow to come and help me with some stuff. I love my brother. Today I am just feeling so cold and tired that I had to go to bed for a snooze.

VitoCorleone Italy Fri 09-May-14 10:12:36

Hope you're feeling a bit better today, and enjoying some time with your brother x

Mojito100 Sat 10-May-14 14:03:30

Keep breathing lily one breath at a time. You are amazing.

LilyTheSavage Mon 12-May-14 08:03:11

Hi everybody. It's a funny old time just now. I'm getting ready for moving and I'm really looking forward to being sorted out and having things straight again, but..... and there's always a but..... I'm not looking forward to living in a house that hasn't ever had Paddy in it.

My brother is fantastic and is a wonderful support. Saturday was the 10th of the month (the day Paddy died) and it's always a difficult day. This month marked the nine month point since his death and it felt harder than ever. I was very conscious that it was nine months and I couldn't get out of my mind the fact that it's the length of a pregnancy and was a lifetime. I don't know quite what I'm trying to say but there's a definite correlation somewhere between the length of a pregnancy, a lifetime and the fact that he died nine months ago. I slept all afternoon on Saturday which is really unusual for me. I guess I must have needed it. Anyway, it was three hours where I wasn't thinking about things.

I could really do with some sunshine this week which would really help me to deal with things and get my act together!

LilyTheSavage Mon 12-May-14 20:27:55

I feel weighed down with grief this evening and there's only me and the dogs so I don't even need to pretend to be ok. The mask is in the bin. Wine for dinner is the way ahead.
I am moving in a few days to a house where Paddy has never lived with us. People say he'll always be with you, but it's just not the same. They mean well, but tonight everything is very bleak.
Not calm. Not peaceful.

janey68 Mon 12-May-14 23:56:11

I don't know what to say but I'm listening, I'm sorry tonight has been so hard. Be gentle to yourself, sleep if you need to, it's your body's way of saying 'enough, I need to stop thinking now.'

Mojito100 Tue 13-May-14 03:09:07

Oh lily, wish I was there with you. Do what Janey said it's all you can do. It's always hard but the next few weeks will be tough to say the least. Even the unpacking of items and finding new homes for them in your new house will be hard.

I think you'll find the emotional roller coaster will be pretty hair raising and you'll be up and down at a rate of speed. All you can do is go with the emotions as they come. Let them be even when the burden is so hard to carry. Write to us all were all here with you and on the same roller coaster just sitting in different carriages.

LilyTheSavage Tue 13-May-14 17:14:32

Hi girls.
I'm a bit more balanced today - or at any rate - I am at this exact moment. Give me a few minutes and it could go either way. You're so right mojito about it being an emotional roller coaster. That's exactly it. I find it frightening that my emotions are so unpredictable.

I am longing to be sorted out and settled again.

Mojito100 Wed 14-May-14 14:21:25

Some days we take small steps sometimes bigger steps but each day you keep going you honour the memory of your beautiful son. You are strong even when you feel weak. Lean on those you can and breathe through this tumultuous time.

You are going a great job.

LilyTheSavage Wed 14-May-14 18:13:13

Hi girls.
Packing and racing around today has been ok, and made so much easier and more bearable by the arrival of a close girlfriend who has come for a week to help me move. She is a complete superstar. I think that tomorrow I will be too busy to feel anything so that's good. Just keep busy is the way ahead. My friend is a rock to lean on and we've already got so much done today.

Mojito100 Thu 15-May-14 09:14:58

Good to hear.

Mojito100 Wed 21-May-14 14:36:56

Lily, I know you are moving house and the chaos that brings. I have been thinking about you and hope you are settling in ok and also taking done time just for yourself to let the house settle around you. This is such a significant time in your life, unfortunately there will be more so just take your time.

My thoughts are with you and with Paddy.

LilyTheSavage Thu 22-May-14 08:38:12

Hi Mojito.
I'm back online and in contact with the world. The move has gone fine thanks and I'm all unpacked and sorted out thanks to my lovely friend, but the house doesn't feel like home yet. But it will.

I haven't been doing too brilliantly and have cried most days, although I can't really explain why. I have just been missing my boy.

Looking at pictures of Paddy is just so hard. My friend is worried and thinks I'm not doing very well, but what else can I do? I can only do as much as I can do. I thought I was actually doing very well and the mask hadn't slipped too much. Oh well.....

Time for another brew

Mojito100 Thu 22-May-14 15:03:58

I think you may deserve a wine rather than a coffee. I'm sure you are actually doing brilliantly. Packing up feels in some ways just like saying goodbye at a funeral and then unpacking just kicks you fair in the guts and reminds you they won't be walking through the door.

Isn't it funny how our society thinks that tears mean you aren't coping when it is a key coping mechanism. That's one of the problems with the mask - it seems to go hand in hand with no tears on display. I am sure your friend is just wonderful but do let them know that the tears, may at times be painful, are helping and holding it all in for others isn't.

Take care.

LilyTheSavage Thu 22-May-14 18:00:55

It was too early for wine when I posted earlier. Now I'm just about to have wine.

Sometimes the tears won't stop and other times they won't come. The lack of control is frightening, as is the emotional roller coaster we're on. Some people think I'm doing very well because I'm more able to control The Mask than other times. I can't keep it in place for too long though before it slips.
The sunshine didn't last.... torrential rain most of the day. I went to the doctor to get more ADs and got enough to last me through the summer. It's not going to be an easy time but there again, when is it easy now?

Mojito100 Thu 22-May-14 23:06:44

I agree. It never really gets easier to manage. I find it hard because as time passes there us an expectation that it does get easier and therefore it hurts less and you feel less sorrow. Essentially people expect the mask to be in place all the time but for it yo be real. It just isn't that way at all so then you hide so much more which makes me feel like the burden is heavier and I am a fake. 5 years on and i feel the same yet pretend more to those around me that it is all fine to make them feel comfortable rather than uncomfortable. Life sure is bizarre at times.

Lily, I suspect your friend is trying to be helpful, but isn't. To pretend you aren't feeling low when you have every reason to do so seems a dangerous precedent, storing up trouble for the future. Don't feel pressured by her comments, please.

You are doing your best in a radically different world. Life as you knew it has disappeared. Paddy. And then on top of this, you are adjusting to a new home and social environment. In any circumstances, that alone is considered stressful, let alone being a grieving mother.

One breath at a time. One step after another. One day at a time. Don't ask more of yourself. Give yourself permission to just "be". Xx

LilyTheSavage Fri 23-May-14 07:13:03

My friend is really really lovely and is trying to help. Mojito you're right about not wanting people to feel uncomfortable which is why I make such a massive effort with the mask, but I can't keep it up for ever. Mia's you're right. One breath and take each moment as it comes.

It's good to have everything put away and tidy. Makes me feel less agitated all round control freak that I am .

Mojito100 Fri 23-May-14 11:51:31

I understand the control freak element. I don't cope if my house is a mess and I find things tougher when I am not getting done all I need. That's been my state this week to much to do at work and home. Carve out some time for yourself lily as moving house is both physically and emotionally draining. I'm carving out time with my boys this weekend just to remind myself of how amazing they are and how lucky I am to have them.

LilyTheSavage Fri 23-May-14 13:37:58

It makes me feel agitated when everything's a mess. Need to finish sorting out a few bits and pieces and then I can relax. Have a good weekend with your boys. thanks

LilyTheSavage Sun 25-May-14 15:26:58

I thought that I'd find some peace and calm when I'd moved. But I haven't. Yet. Maybe it will come some time.

I'm missing my boy more than ever at the moment. I see his pictures and I try to remember him but sometimes I can't. I'm so frightened I'm going to forget what he smelled like, how he felt, his tight hard hugs.

Mojito100 Sun 25-May-14 23:16:59

There will always be some memories that will never go. Some things may fade but some stay strong too. I wrote down my memories and tried to capture all those special things on case I did forget and could pul it back. Try this if you haven't. I think the writing down of my memories has also helped cement them in my mind. Write down how he smelt with as many describing words as you can.

bagladywilts Mon 26-May-14 07:37:31

I am so sorry for the loss of your wonderful son. I lost my daughter two years ago also in an accident. She fell from a building where we were staying and died instantly. She was 3.5 so much younger than your son but I have no doubt that what we have been through will be similar.
There is so much that I want to say to you. Do message me if you want to arrange a chat on the phone. I feel I have learned so much about how to deal with grief and it's repercussions. In short here are a few things that have been a lifeline for me and got me through the darkest days..
1. Compassionate Friends. I call their phone line run by bereaved parents and just chat through what's going in. They know because they have been there too and it nearly always makes me feel better.
2. I found a fantastic Clinical Psychologist who I see regularly. I saw all sorts of people before who we're not right but finding my lady is probably the reason I am still sitting here today.
3. Anti depressants.
4. My friends, not all of them, some have drifted away but enough have been there to get me through. When I have a bad day I will often just sit in their kitchen drinking tea while they natter away. We don't always need to talk about my grief (they ask me if I want to talk usually) but if I don't know what to do with myself and feel my thoughts are too much to handle then the company gets me through the day. TV can do the same although it obviously has to be very light.
I hope that helps, I am here if you need. Sending love and strength to you today.

bagladywilts Mon 26-May-14 07:52:45

A couple more thoughts.. On the mask I think use it if you need it to get you through the day, go to the shops etc but don't be afraid to take it off. For one, it will be a relief to your friends if you can cry on their shoulder because they can make you tea and comfort you. They will be acutely aware of your pain but it is harder for them to know how to support you if your mask is on and you are trying to pretend you are okay.
Also, tears are good. They are there, let them flow, don't bottle them up. Pent up tears can turn toxic or destructive.
On photos,.. I found it immensely painful to look at photos and my daughter, Celia's things but just recently I have found some comfort in them. That was after two years. Until you feel ready then keep them safe in a box with maybe one or two special photos around in your new house. They will be safe there until you want to look at them. We moved several times after we lost Celia's, mainly because we were living abroad at the time and decided to move back to the UK so we could have our friends and community around us. The moves were traumatic but I have all her things boxed up safely in the loft and I am gradually able to look at them now and awaken some lovely memories. X

LilyTheSavage Wed 28-May-14 11:13:10

Thanks mojito and baglady.
I'm not sure that I could capture memories by writing them down but I can try. I thought Compassionate Friends was an American organisation and didn't realise that they were over here as well. Baglady I did have six sessions with a counsellor but I don't know if they helped - I can't really quantify it because I don't know how I'd be now if I hadn't been (if you see what I mean).
I am very lucky and have some very good friends but I don't want to burden them with what's going on in my head. I can't put on "the act" and "the mask" for ever, but I don't like crying in front of people. I feel that they don't know how to deal with this very different version of Me and I feel as if it's just an act. The tears and sobs come very quickly and go very quickly and it's all such an emotional roller coaster.

Mojito100 Wed 28-May-14 12:01:01

I get it lily. That's what I love about MN. Not only is everyone so understanding I find them compassionate, warm, and welcoming. I can have a good cry as I type something or just when I am reading something without feeling foolish or like a burden to others. I don't always want the focus to be on the loss of my loved one but also don't want her forgotten yet I recognise other peoples lives do move on and it isn't always fair to burden them with my tears or feelings. I have seen a Psych since DD passed and find it helpful but I think coming back to MN has made the biggest difference. This is my place to let go with others who truly understand.

LilyTheSavage Wed 28-May-14 16:37:59

You're completely right Mojito. It's a safety net where we can say exactly what we're feeling. Some people think I'm "better" but I'm just better at wearing the mask.
flowers

Samharrysmom Sat 31-May-14 15:31:10

Hi Lily, I lost my 17 year old son in a tragic road collision 3 weeks ago. I'm so sorry to hear about your son. I don't quite know how I'm going to get through this, I have a another son of 13 and need to try to cope for him but I'm finding it extremely difficult. Reading your posts has given me some hope but I can see its going to take a long, long time to get back to anything that's near normality. I'm just so heartbroken x

LilyTheSavage Sat 31-May-14 17:51:39

Hi Samharrysmom, I'm so, so sorry about your darling boy. You're right about keeping going. I sometimes think that I suppress my own feelings for the sake of my other two sons. I don't want to burden them with my grief. I will pm you with a link where you will find a safe place and other mothers to talk to. xxx

Mojito100 Sun 01-Jun-14 00:30:47

To sanharrymum - I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. Take care of yourself as much as you can, stay on MN as there is a wealth if support and understanding here too.

Lily, I hope you are slowly starting to feel like you are settled.

Mojito100 Thu 05-Jun-14 10:56:00

Hope you are doing ok Lily. Has the exhaustion fully kicked in or are you coming out the other side of it.

LilyTheSavage Thu 05-Jun-14 22:08:15

Hi Mojito.

I am still shattered and am going to try and go to bed earlier tonight. It's been a busy and exhausting week and I think that I try to cram too much into my days just so I'm busy.

I went to the churchyard yesterday to take flowers. I usually take scissors to trim the grass but I'd forgotten. There was an old man there doing some strimming and I asked if you would possibly have two minutes to do my son's grave. He said he would "just this once" and made me feel really bad. He did it with such a bad grace that I wished I hadn't asked him. I cried and cried. It all seems so wrong. That lovely vibrant life just stopped. It seems unreal.

My youngest son is coming up 21 and I'm having a small lunch party to celebrate his birthday on Sunday. I want to celebrate DS3 and it's important that we should, but I really don't feel like a party. It's no time at all since we celebrated Paddy's 21st and here were are with DS3. I had my Paddy for 21 years, 5 months and 10 days. Too short a time. It's another of those times coming up that I dread. I'm sure the reality of the day will be fine and we'll have a good time, but I always think that I'm one boy short.

LilyTheSavage Tue 10-Jun-14 08:24:29

Ten months today.

The sun is shining and the world continues to turn. People continue to go about their everyday business. Life continues. Trying to make things good for my other two DSs is exhausting and today it's overwhelming.

I feel dark in a day of sunshine.

Mojito100 Tue 10-Jun-14 13:56:12

Thinking if you.

LilyTheSavage Wed 11-Jun-14 08:33:04

Thank you Mojito.

I went to the churchyard yesterday afternoon and took my kindle and a rug intending to spend some quiet private time with my boy. I was thwarted by a class of nursery children who come to the graveyard to play in the big space beside Paddy's grave and an old man, his grand-daughter and her toddler. The nursery children were running about playing and it was lovely hearing the noise of children playing but the other people were loud and intrusive. Eventually they left and then after a while the children went back and all was quiet.

I cried until I had no tears left and then I lay in the sunshine and eventually read my kindle.

I just feel so tired. I came home with steak for my youngest as a treat for his great exam results from second year at uni. He does so well and I'm so proud of him.

Let's see if today brings peace and calm.

Mojito100 Wed 11-Jun-14 14:49:25

I hope you do find some peace today. Congrats on your youngest and his results. Words can't describe the pride you feel in relation to your kids can it. If it's not too painful take some time to remember all those times Paddy made you proud. I'm sure there will be many special memories from when he was little right through to when he was grown.

This cycle of grief is such a burden to carry and there are just those times it is so overwhelming. I'm pleased you cried until you had no more tears. It is so heart wrenching when you do and I find sometimes afterwards the peace I need and sometimes afterwards disrespectful to my DD. There are those times you can feel like you just shouldn't stop but you do.

I don't visit the cemetery where I have a commemorative seat for my DD very often. Maybe I should. I still have DD's ashes with me at home.

something2say Thu 12-Jun-14 19:17:02

Hello. Just been reading your posts. I think you are doing so well. I remember grief, those tears you cry. I think it's ok to stop when they stop. It doesn't mean you stop loving who you miss xxx nobody could ever accuse you of not loving your babies x

LilyTheSavage Fri 13-Jun-14 10:22:14

Hi Mojito. The last couple of days have been more peaceful, probably because I've been keeping really busy. That's the way ahead for me I think. Don't leave time for just sitting and thinking. xx
Hi something. Thank you for your message, and I'm sorry about your DC. You speak from the heart. I think that all we can do is just try and survive this maelstrom and do our best so we help our other children.
Lists and keeping busy is the way for me to survive this emotional roller-coaster.

Mojito100 Tue 17-Jun-14 10:00:43

Lily, I haven't written for a little while but have been here. Not too much to say or else getting my thoughts in order at the moment. Hope you are ok.

LilyTheSavage Fri 20-Jun-14 14:30:20

Hi mojito

I'm ok thanks and am now in France for a few months where it's very quiet and peaceful. It's nice but I'm on my own (again/still) and I miss DS1, his girlfriend and DS3. My DH will be joining me at the end of the month for a week and then for most of August. I'm really hoping that DS1 and his GF will be able to fly out and join us for a long weekend in August when it's Paddy's first anniversary. I want us all to be together then.

It's been hard being back here as I was here when Paddy died. He'd spent several months here working and it was wonderful having him around. Being back here and seeing other old photos of him and his brothers when they were little makes me so sad.

I miss him so much.

Mojito100 Fri 20-Jun-14 16:29:47

Hi lily, I have been hoping you are ok and thinking of you often. I hope the family are together for the first anniversary of Paddy's passing. Time goes far to quickly. Enjoy the peace and cherish your memories.

LilyTheSavage Mon 23-Jun-14 13:26:18

Not doing too well at the moment. Just feeling so overwhelmingly sad most of the time. Nothing to be done except just to try and keep busy and wait for it to pass.

Mojito100 Mon 23-Jun-14 14:35:53

Nothing I can say will take the pain away either. Keeping busy is all you can do. Some days it is just so hard to put one foot in front of the other. I get it.

Mojito100 Wed 25-Jun-14 10:20:26

I hope you have found some peace in France Lily. Will you be there for the anniversary of Paddy's passing or will you go home? Maybe finding a special place in France where you can sit peacefully and talk to or remember Paddy may be something to consider. Then if you are in France you have somewhere special to take yourself. I know you visit his grave which helps you in some way maybe something similar in France may help. I don't really like to offer advice as we all grieve so differently every single day so I hope I haven't upset you with this thought.

Take care.

LilyTheSavage Thu 26-Jun-14 13:06:18

Not much peace to be had here either. It's where Paddy was with me for the last few months of his life and where I saw him last alive. It's very hard. I don't have any particularly special place.

Just need to keep busy and try not to think.

Mojito100 Mon 30-Jun-14 11:31:13

Just checking in. Hope you are ok. brew cake thanks.

LilyTheSavage Wed 02-Jul-14 17:31:48

Hi Mojito.
Thank you so much for checking in. I'm more or less ok. I've eaten the cake and drunk the brew and am enjoying the thanks smile

I'm in France and am keeping busy with the builders. The sun has been shining and it's easier to grieve in the sun than in the rain.

Too many memories.

bn725 Wed 02-Jul-14 20:29:35

Its been four years since my son passed away. I still cant get over that I will never see him or hear his cheeky laugh, he was only 20 and not a day goes by that I don't think of him in some way or other but I know that his is in a better place. Love you son, Dad. XX

LilyTheSavage Fri 04-Jul-14 18:42:48

Hi bn.

I'm very sorry about your son and glad that you find comfort from thinking that he's in a better place. I can't think like that at all though. How can any place be better than with his loving family. That's the very best place for him to be and exactly where he should be. But he's not.

Mojito100 Mon 07-Jul-14 16:44:44

Lily, thinking of you as the 10th draws near. Take as much care of yourself as you can.

LilyTheSavage Wed 09-Jul-14 15:57:22

Thank you Mojito. Tomorrow is yet another 10th of the month. The eleventh time since my DS died. I am struggling at the moment. I ache. Everything is such a struggle and although there are moments when it's ok it is hard to think that the world just continues to turn regardless. I can't remember who the poet is who wrote "Stop all the clocks" but that's how it feels.

Mojito100 Thu 10-Jul-14 13:13:16

I know. It is just so hard. It is so incredibly hard when we are coping at those better times so trying to truly understand the pain of a grieving parent at those times we are at rock bottom is unfathomable to most.

I raise my glass (coffee today) to Paddy and send you cyber hugs today. It is already the 10th for me. 11 long and arduous months without your beautiful son in your world. Take care.

LilyTheSavage Thu 10-Jul-14 13:20:38

brew for mojito

Just about surviving today. No idiots comparing the loss of my darling boy to their dog dying. (Yes really).

How can eleven months seem so long and still seem like yesterday?

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