My sister has taken her life

(45 Posts)
vix206 Fri 18-Oct-13 11:46:58

That's it really. She went missing at the weekend and all I know right now is that she jumped from a tall building in London. She had just been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. She was 42 and one of the funniest, seemingly happiest people I knew.

I found out at 9.30 last night and am still walking around in denial. I have a 3 year old DS and am 26 weeks pregnant. So have to keep it together. Luckily have a very supportive dh and friends.

Sorry, I'm rambling I just had to get this down. I fear I will need more support as the days pass and more details are revealed.

monal Fri 18-Oct-13 11:48:37

So sorry.

Pogosticks Fri 18-Oct-13 11:49:32

I'm so sorry.

Pogosticks Fri 18-Oct-13 11:50:04

(and ramble away. You don't have to keep it together here.)

InkleWinkle Fri 18-Oct-13 11:53:55

So sorry this has happened.

Morgause Fri 18-Oct-13 11:55:03

So sorry.

UnicornsNotRiddenByGrownUps Fri 18-Oct-13 11:55:49

Oh no what a horrible waste. I'm so sorry. Can you tell us about her?

TheGhostsAndGhoulsOfHitchhikin Fri 18-Oct-13 11:57:18

Im so sorry op thanks

shimmeringinthesun Fri 18-Oct-13 11:57:48

The poor woman. I'm so sorry for her pain, and for yours too op.

JemimaPuddle Fri 18-Oct-13 11:58:16

So sorry

SugarMiceInTheRain Fri 18-Oct-13 11:58:46

I'm so sorry Vix, sending you and your family hugs. Look after yourself xx

MaKettle Fri 18-Oct-13 11:59:24

My brother took his own life when my DS was a similar age. It was - and still is - devastating for the whole family but having a young child did give me a focus and a foundation which helped me to cope, even if it didn't always feel like it at the time. Thinking of you.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Fri 18-Oct-13 11:59:40

What a horrid shock. So sorry Vix.

CheeseAndFriedMushrooms Fri 18-Oct-13 12:00:23

I am so sorry. We have had a suicide in the family this year and its very difficult to deal with, but it will get better. Stay strong for your children.

AllThatGlistens Fri 18-Oct-13 12:00:44

I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss OP flowers

morethanpotatoprints Fri 18-Oct-13 12:02:03

So sorry my love.
Please don't think you need to keep it together, it must be an enormous shock, people will understand you will be dazed.
Please take care, look after yourself and accept help from friends and family.
If it helps to talk about her there are some very lovely understanding people on here.

ohmeohmyforgotlogin Fri 18-Oct-13 12:06:31

So sorry for your loss. This organisation can help www.uk-sobs.org.uk/

NervyWervy Fri 18-Oct-13 12:30:29

Very sorry for your loss Vix. Can you spend some time with your parents/family? flowers

Rikalaily Fri 18-Oct-13 12:34:21

I'm so so sorry sad

My sister took her own life 3 years ago, losing someone in this way is so hard, I found it a lot harder than losing my mum who died from organ failure, it's just so sudden. It does get easier with talking about her/what happened and with time, it takes a while to try and make any sense of it.

The feeling of denial is a totally normal thing, you have had a massive shock and your feelings will be all over the place for a while. I swung from denial, heartbreak, anger, emptiness and back to denial. Be gentle with yourself and don't hold everything in, you don't need to keep it together. If you find everything going over and over in your head and unable to talk about it, write a letter which can be placed with her.

Having the little ones will help a lot, if I hadn't had mine to distract me I might have gone insane for a little while.

vix206 Fri 18-Oct-13 12:41:50

Thanks all.

It's very strange for me. She was my half sister and had always had problems. We didn't speak for 10 years (her decision as she had a breakdown and just went on a massive drug-fuelled bender for 10 years). She got back in touch in summer 2011.

She lived far away from me so she wasn't someone I saw very often but we had a very close bond and would text all the time. I knew she was struggling recently but my dad did most of the talking as I had been told by the midwife to take things easy after losing a baby in March of this year. So I kind of backed off from her a little bit and now obviously regret that.

I just can't stop picturing her last moments. But yet it doesn't seem real.

We share a father and he is local to me, he also had the 10 year gap in the relationship and it is all very weird for him as he now has to arrange a funeral 300 miles away for a daughter he hardly knew with his ex wife from 39 yrs ago who he has had no contact with.

What a mess.

shallweshop Fri 18-Oct-13 12:46:58

How devastating for you. I am so sorry for your huge loss. My sister died two months ago following illness and it must be even harder when a loved one has taken their own life. I am still in denial about my sister. I carry on with my day to day activities and imagine in the back of my mind that she is getting on with hers - it is the only way I can cope. I have two young children - 6 and 9 - and they are a huge help. If it wasn't for them, I would have fallen apart. Having also lost my mum and dad, my kids and DH are the only close family I have left.

Two months on, I allow myself periods when I think about the unthinkable thing that has happened and I let the grief engulf me and then its back to my state of denial.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

PloddingDaily Fri 18-Oct-13 12:47:54

Thinking you of & your dad Vix. X

vix206 Fri 18-Oct-13 12:48:35

I'm sorry for your loss shallweshop, and I can totally understand your coping mechanism.

Manchesterhistorygirl Fri 18-Oct-13 12:49:09

I'm so sorry for your loss Vix.

Cybercat Fri 18-Oct-13 12:55:06

I am so so sorry. Words escape me at times like this but I am thinking of you.

I'm so sorry.

jojane Fri 18-Oct-13 12:59:31

My brother in law killed himself a couple of months ago and it has hit our family for six, I swing between feeling that he is now better off, he just wasn't happy in this life to feeling that he is the most selfish person ever leaving us all behind to deal with it (it was MIL who found him).
We didn't live near him so for us (and the children) life hasn't changed that much which makes it easier to cope but MIL is finding it hard as he was her only child living nearby and they used to walk dogs etc most days.

NulliusInBlurba Fri 18-Oct-13 13:05:59

Sorry to hear this vix. DH went through the same thing with a sibling two years ago. He found this book helpful. Even though it's based in the US, DH found it relevant in its exploration of sibling relationships and the complex feelings that can follow a suicide. He also went monthly to a local relatives' group for people affected by suicide. It's a bugger, though, and your personal family situation sounds horribly complicated, which can only make it more difficult. Wishing you strength.

ChristmasPixie123 Fri 18-Oct-13 13:09:07

Sorry for your loss Vix
thanks

CacklinCrochetKate Fri 18-Oct-13 13:27:44

So sorry for your loss

CALM have an information pack which may help you when you feel ready here

vix206 Fri 18-Oct-13 20:51:37

Thanks again to everyone. I'm still in denial but starting to get moments of horrid realisation now.

GRW Fri 18-Oct-13 23:08:31

I am so sorry for your loss. It is good that you have your DH and friends you can talk to when the difficult thoughts overwhelm you. My sister took her life 15 years ago, so I have some appreciation of how painful it is for you now. It took a long time before the manner of my sister's death stopped clouding the happy memories I had of her, but it is easier now. Thinking of you.

vix206 Sat 19-Oct-13 19:36:29

I think it's really starting to sink in now. Every time DS cries it makes me cry, I just can't bear to see the sadness. I'm suddenly panicky about having the baby, feeling its a mistake as it will detract love/attention from DS. Just feeling really anxious along with so much guilt, regret and sadness. Friends are telling me this is all normal stuff. It's only been 48 hours.

Got more details today from coroner. My sister left a note in her passport, a sorry note. They haven't released it yet but I am looking forward to knowing what she wrote. I thought it was very unlike her to not leave something for us.

HRHLadyG Sat 19-Oct-13 19:39:55

Sending you hugs and strength.
Be kind to yourself, sometimes all you can do is breathe, eat, sleep and put one foot in front of the other. x

HRHLadyG Sat 19-Oct-13 19:44:06

The note may help to give you some clarity. Whatever it says, you must remember that this was her choice and others may never fully understand.
Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, we cant fight our emotions. Try to breathe and know that each feeling, however overwhelming will pass and is simply your bodies way of coping with your shock and sadness. x

nichat Sun 20-Oct-13 16:08:59

I am so sorry for your loss - suicide is devastating, my gorgeous partner who was my World hanged himself 5 weeks ago & I feel like I am going crazy - I have a 6 year old son who also loved him very much & try to keep going for him but the pain is tremendous & it's so very hard. Look after yourself & just take little steps X

QOD Sun 20-Oct-13 16:10:40

Gosh I'm so sorry sad

sending strength to you.

each day at a time. x

Prforone Tue 22-Oct-13 00:33:18

So sorry hmm

I too have experienced a suicide in the family and know how painful this time is for you. Please look after yourself and let others look after you x

vix206 Tue 22-Oct-13 08:13:43

Thank you all. I think I'm in limbo land really until the funeral as I feel that's when it will really hit me. We've been told to expect it within 2 weeks.

Pogosticks Sat 26-Oct-13 09:13:23

Just checking back to see how you are doing vix - we are still here for you. And nichat I am so sorry for your loss, and that of you little one.

lastnightopenedmyeyes Fri 01-Nov-13 20:22:58

OP here - I name changed. Thanks for checking up on me. Sadly due to a family argument that had nothing to do with me, I was told I was unwelcome at the funeral. Both myself and my father. As I had already been warned by the dr to stay calm I decided not to go. I could've 'fought' my way in had I not been pregnant. It is a 3 hr drive each way to where the funeral was.

It was yesterday. The anger I've felt has totally blocked my grief, so I still haven't really faced up to it. But my dad has asked the coroner for the suicide note so I think once I see that the pain will hit.

LidlAngel Fri 01-Nov-13 20:25:19

I'm so sorry. Let in all out on here, we're listening.....

Pogosticks Fri 01-Nov-13 22:15:54

Oh you poor love, that's terrible. You sound very dignified though, and doing what is best for your baby by avoiding any confrontation. No one else knows the relationship you had and you can still say your own farewells. Our local church has an annual bereavement service, I'm sure most churches do, if that's your sort of thing. Sending much love.

Juneywoony Fri 22-Nov-13 07:45:28

So very sorry for the loss of your dear sister.

My sister committed suicide on the 27th of October almost 4 weeks ago now. She hung herself and my brother found her. She would have been 28 four days later.

I know your pain and it hurts like hell, doesn't it?!

Can't really say much more, we had the funeral on the 11th of November and now I feel lost, crying everyday, not eating much.

I have a 6 yr old dd and a 4 yr old ds, it breaks my heart to see them so upset, not so much my son as he is that little bit too young to understand, however my daughter is breaking her heart, I have just arranged bereavement counselling for her through school.

Sending you lots of hugs, xxxx

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