DD is 2 tomorow

(48 Posts)
LumpySpace Sat 14-Sep-13 20:03:34

I don't know how I'm going to cope tomorow. I just want to go to sleep for 48 hours.

Sometimes when people ask me if DS is my first I say yes because I can't bear to tell them about my DD. I know this makes me truly terrible and I despise myself for doing it.

I miss her so much., I wish I could hold her again for one second.

gotadifferentnamenow Sat 14-Sep-13 20:08:43

I'm so sorry. I hope DD's birthday passes as gently as possible.

mineofuselessinformation Sat 14-Sep-13 20:10:53

So you lost a precious daughter and don't feel strong enough to explain that to other people? That doesn't make you a terrible person at all, just someone who is still grieving for their child. Maybe in time you will be more able to talk about her.
FWIW, I would mark her birthday in some way, maybe burn a candle for her, as I think you might wish you had if you don't. Be kind to yourself.

BikeRunSki Sat 14-Sep-13 20:14:10

I am so sorry for your loss. Not telling people about your DD doesn' t make you terrible, you are protecting yourself from a potentially distressing situation, and having to deal with their embarrassment. If people get to know you, and you want to tell them, then you can do in your own time.

I work with someone who always believed not to have any children. He is in his fifties now. It was only after I had known him for 5 or 6 years , about 5 or .6 years ago and was expecting DS, that he said one day "I had a son once...." He had never said a word about it since.

carameldecaflatte Sat 14-Sep-13 20:17:31

I'm so sorry.

Would you like to talk about your DD here in this safe place? I, amongst others, will "listen".

It will be 5 years next month since my beautiful ds1 was stillborn. On the first anniversary we visited his grave and it was horrible but since then we decided to have a nice day out on the anniversary of his loss to mark the day with something good.

LumpySpace Sat 14-Sep-13 20:22:59

We are going up to her grave tomorow. I've got her some plants and things to put down.

I've been okish today but now ds is in bed I feel awful.

I've not told anyone in IRL this but I can't handle the thought of my beautiful tiny girl in the ground

Thankyou everyone and I'm sorry for making you listen to this. X

adagio Sat 14-Sep-13 20:26:27

My deepest, sincerest condolences.

Be kind to yourself, cuddle and hold close those that are dear to you and are here on this earth to hold.

flowers

DameDeepRedBetty Sat 14-Sep-13 20:26:46

Please Lumpy never ever feel embarrassed to talk to us about your dd and the awfulness of losing her. You haven't made us listen to this you dafty smile, we chose to click on your thread, knowing very well what it was likely to be about.

<hugs>

LumpySpace Sat 14-Sep-13 20:33:50

Thankyou, you are all wonderful. I need to try and pull myself together now (I don't want to cry in front of DS).

HandMini Sat 14-Sep-13 20:35:32

Lumpy - hugs. Who do you talk to in real life?

LumpySpace Sat 14-Sep-13 20:38:24

I talk to DH about it but I don't talk to my family or friends about how I feel. It's not that I can't but I wouldn't want to worry them.

exoticfruits Sat 14-Sep-13 20:43:24

Could you find a group? I was a widow and just talking to others in the same position was a life saver for me. They understood and were going through the same thing.

LumpySpace Sat 14-Sep-13 20:46:37

I think it's time for me to go to the SANDS meetings. I've always avoided them before, I don't know why.

HandMini Sat 14-Sep-13 20:46:52

Exotic, I was just about to suggest the same things.

Lumpy, if you went to a group, you would KNOW you're all there for the same reasons - to talk and share. You wouldn't feel guilty and as though you're burdening people (although I'm sure you wouldn't be anyway if you talked to friends and family - often people want to support, but they don't know how to start the conversation).

mineofuselessinformation Sat 14-Sep-13 20:48:29

The plants sound a lovely idea. And as for where your daughter is, she's safe and warm in your heart for ever.

MrsDeVere Sat 14-Sep-13 20:48:46

You have to right to cope with 'the question' in whatever way you can.

If you chose to tell people that your DS is your only child that is YOUR choice and it is not wrong.

You do what gets you through the day.

You are not denying her, you are surviving and sometimes that is all we can do.

I hope tomorrow passes as peacefully as it can thanks

exoticfruits Sat 14-Sep-13 20:53:35

I really think that you would find it helpful- I hope so anyway. It is worth a try- just because they all really understand. If you haven't been there you can imagine,but you can't know. The group would know.

exoticfruits Sat 14-Sep-13 20:54:33

Of course it isn't for everyone but my group got very close and supportive.

YoniMatopoeia Sat 14-Sep-13 21:00:17

Hugs to you from me lumpy. So sorry about your dd.

LumpySpace Sat 14-Sep-13 21:01:15

I've always been a bit scared of going to groups and things. I don't know why.

DameDeepRedBetty Sat 14-Sep-13 21:07:31

I know what you mean about 'going to groups and things'. I was very resistant to it when we going through all the fallout from dbro's alcoholism and all the ramifications it brought in his wake - I've always been a bit anti- organised things like that. However, in the end I did go, and it was immensely helpful, supportive, and cathartic, to find that other families had been through the experience, had felt the same helplessness, the same guilt, and had made the same mistakes and learned the same lessons.

curlew Sat 14-Sep-13 21:09:42

Could you tell us her name?

LumpySpace Sat 14-Sep-13 21:43:30

Her name is Paige.

sittinginthesun Sat 14-Sep-13 21:47:08

Beautiful name. I would love to hear about her, if you want to talk.

Wishing you a gentle day. X

LumpySpace Sat 14-Sep-13 22:01:14

Thankyou again everyone. I'm feeling a lot less hysterical now x

DameDeepRedBetty Sat 14-Sep-13 22:03:55

flowers for Paige, Lumpy, MrLumpy and Paige's brother.

butterflyflyaway Sat 14-Sep-13 22:06:17

flowers

Dilidali Sat 14-Sep-13 22:15:39

I am so sorry for your loss. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Hugs. X

carameldecaflatte Sat 14-Sep-13 22:24:05

Paige is a lovely name.

I couldn't cope with going to groups and sometimes I wish I had. But I found a lovely community online and made some dear friends who still understand when nobody else seems to. It helps, however you go about it, to find people who understand how you feel.

Hugs thanks

BikeRunSki Sat 14-Sep-13 23:35:41

Lumpy,I can only imagine your situation, but a very close friend' s son died when he was two days old ( we were due out first dc on the same day) and she found going to groups helped her because she didn' t have to explain anything or justify her feelings at all.

BikeRunSki Sat 14-Sep-13 23:36:18

thanks

matildawormwood Sat 14-Sep-13 23:38:43

Lumpy I'm so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to say please don't feel guilty about not mentioning your DD. I lost my DS 16 months ago and we moved to a new town 9 months ago and I've still not told a soul about him. He's my special boy and I don't want to share him with people I don't know very well. Often the reaction is embarrassment and I feel he and I both deserve better than that. Also, and perhaps this is just me in denial, but I find it easier to be around people who don't know what happened. Like I can be my old self. And I need to do that sometimes without feeling the weight of their pity. So please don't feel bad.

BikeRunSki Sun 15-Sep-13 13:25:37

How are you today Lumpy ?

carameldecaflatte Sun 15-Sep-13 13:36:39

Thinking of you today Lumpy, and your dear daughter Paige.

thanks

Dilidali Sun 15-Sep-13 13:37:51

Lumpy, I am not religious, but I found a few moments, lit a pretty candle and thought of you and Paige. I hope you find the strenght.

LumpySpace Sun 15-Sep-13 15:03:30

I actually feel relatively ok today except I feel almost hungover from crying, ifyswim?
DS has kept me busy for most of the day luckily.

Paige passed when she was 4 days old. She was born at 27 weeks and delivered by emergency csection. When I had gone in for a routine growth scan they found out that there was only 1 blood vessel in her umbilical cord and blood flow had stopped. Because of restricted blood flow although she was only about the size of a baby at 16 weeks gestation, absolutely tiny, less than a pound. She passed on after 4 days because of infection (I've forgotten the medical name of it). I think by that time she'd had enough of the invasive medical procedures because she kept pinching the nurses and grabbing her tubes :,)

I love every single one of you! I'm so grateful for all your kind words thanks

Dilidali Sun 15-Sep-13 16:28:20

Glad to hear you're coping smile
Sounds like she knew her mind!
Who did she look like? X

I am so sorry for your loss, LumpySpace.

Paige will forever be your daughter, whether it feels apropriate to mention her to others or not - there is no right or wrong here.

There will come the time when you might want to tell your DS about his big sister. I am glad he is keeping you busy and distracting you a bit.

Much love x.

LumpySpace Sun 15-Sep-13 17:34:11

When I first saw her in SCBU I thought she had a cheeky turned up nose but that was the because of the masks and things. When they took the masks of she looked like a china doll.

MrsDeVere Sun 15-Sep-13 18:22:07

Paige sounds beautiful Lumpy

I have been involved in the making of a video for bereaved parents. This may not be the time for you to watch it but I could send you the think if you think it would help. Its online and not very long.

Just let me know if you want to see it.
Its a legit one, made by The Compassionate Friends.

But I understand if you don't feel up to it.

LumpySpace Sun 15-Sep-13 18:44:17

No MrsDeVere, but I'm making an Angel hug for woolly hugs. When I was in hospital the staff in SCBU were amazing, they made little footprints and took clippings from her hair for me. They even gave me her blanket from her little pod.
So I wanted to do something to pay it forward. For someone else who's going through that.

MrsDeVere Sun 15-Sep-13 18:53:21

An Angel hug sounds perfect smile

Dilidali Sun 15-Sep-13 19:08:50

What is an angel hug? Sorry if the question is innapropriate.

carameldecaflatte Sun 15-Sep-13 19:17:24

An Angel hug sounds like a lovely way to remember Paige and pass on some of the kindness you were shown.

She sounds beautiful. thanks

LumpySpace Sun 15-Sep-13 20:06:01

Angel hugs are one of the woolly hugs projects. They're white knitted or crocheted blankets that get sent it to hospitals. They're for babies that have crossed over.

DoItTooJulia Sun 15-Sep-13 20:14:34

So sorry to hear about Paige.

If groups aren't your thing, try here. It's an amazing collective of writers with deceased children.

www.glowinthewoods.com/

BlueSkyandRain Sun 15-Sep-13 20:17:09

I'm so sorry for your loss lumpy. Paige sounds lovely, I hope you are coping ok this evening.
I know the 'hungover from crying' feeling, I was feeling like that this morning too (my ds was stillborn 5 months ago and it's still hitting me at random times).
Don't despise yourself for not explaining about Paige - I was asked if my 4y old was my last (he's just started school) - I did explain about my youngest ds because I feel so strongly that I want to talk about him as one of my children and then felt bad as people felt awkward. There's no easy option unfortunately sad.
I love the wooly hugs idea too; I still get comfort from the blanket we were given in hospital, just the thought that someone bothered to make it.
Hope tomorrow is an easier day for you x

Dilidali Sun 15-Sep-13 20:19:51

That's such a good idea. I only heard of knitted hats before, my DD got one. I don't knit, but it is a 'retirement plan' to learn how to do it and make lots of little hats, the kindness really moved me. smile

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