Please join us here if you have lost a parent and need support (3)

(1000 Posts)
mummylin Wed 11-Sep-13 12:47:05

Well here we are again on a brand new thread,hopefully we can all move on a bit to a more accepting phase in our lives.

vladthedisorganised Wed 11-Sep-13 13:02:29

Hi mummylin, how are you doing? It's been a while since I've posted anything but thank you so much for starting this up.

I had a second miscarriage a few weeks ago and Mum's absence has hit me like a truck all over again. DH kind of closes the door on the whole thing (he was very good during the first miscarriage but this time spent most of it ranting about how he hated waiting around in hospital hmm).

It's been a year since Mum's diagnosis and it brings back a lot of sad memories - the hope that it might not be cancer, the hope that she might be cured, and the hope that we'd have her with us for years turning into a desperate hope that she wouldn't die on a 'significant' day.

Finally plucked up the courage to phone my aunt and talk about it - she's been having a hard time too and I think we were both reassured. Not sure how my uncle is dealing with it but I think it's too much for DH and he really doesn't want to know at the moment - but doesn't like it when I seem anxious, which is what happens when I try to be all Stepford sunshine and I'm feeling like crap on the inside.

thanks to all who have recently joined these threads - I'm so sorry for your losses.

mummylin Wed 11-Sep-13 13:10:21

Hi vlad lovely to see you but not so good to hear your other news. I'm sorry you had to go through that again. I'm sure you will get your wish in the end. I think we all do that thing where we go back to the awful days and then relive it all over again , I wonder if we will do this forever ? I am no too bad myself but like everyone else it only takes a small thing to upset me all over again, but we have got this far and so that is something. I think that DH,s/ DP,s like to bury their heads sometimes and pretend things aren't happening.

Marshy Wed 11-Sep-13 13:47:38

Hi all,
Just checking in on the new thread. Thanks for sorting it mummylin. Have just done a massive food shop for dd to take with her on Sunday. Cost a bloody fortune but hopefully it will keep her in the basics for a good few weeks and we had a nice time doing it.

I've dropped her off to get her hair trimmed and have a few quiet minutes in the house before sorting the shopping and going to pick her up again. Nice to find the new thread..
See you all later

mummylin Wed 11-Sep-13 14:33:51

Yes I'm sure all shopping increases every bloody week. Is your dd excited marshy ?

Badvoc Wed 11-Sep-13 14:43:02

Vlad..I'm so sorry. I have had mc and its desperately hard. flowers
Dh has had today off. I haven't really spoken to him all day. I have absolutely nothing to say to him that isn't swearing sad
Ds2 seems Perkier today and I have managed to get the go to refer him to the respitory paed.
Parish council have rung and we can't have a bench for dad near his plot sad so dont know what to do now...they have suggested a tree with a plaque.
Still seems so unreal to be talking about this sort of stuff.
Thanks for the new thread Lin x

mummylin Wed 11-Sep-13 16:26:37

Oh that's a shame about your bench badvoc what did they say was the reason you couldn't put it up ? There are quite a few benches in our cemeteries. I know some places are very fussy , but we are lucky here, they don't mind mums putting all sorts of things on the children's graves but I know some places they don't allow it which I personally think is awful. I hope you come up with an alternative which will suit you a shout family.
Re miscarriages, my dd had three before they investigated and all it was found to be was that her body wasnt making the hormone to sustain a pregnancy. They then gave her hormone injections for 14 weeks and she was fine, why do they make people go through that so many times before finding out what is wrong.

Badvoc Wed 11-Sep-13 17:08:52

Basically the rules have changed (?) and the benches now have to be at the back of the cemetery which is quite a way from dads plot.
We might go for a tree with a plaque instead.
Mum will be upset sad

we are only allowed to plant woodland flowers or lay cut flowers at mums. wish I could buy little plaques and hanging ornaments

Badvoc Wed 11-Sep-13 17:53:15

It seems odd to me tbh. There are other benches in corners but apparently the rules have altered since they were placed there?
Those rules seem a bit draconian SM!

yep woodland things so daffodils before currently foxgloves. any lay any flowers we want but nothing else. seen a lovely nanna ornament so we ended up putting it in our own memory garden

Badvoc Wed 11-Sep-13 19:14:25

I have had a thought for Xmas...I am going to get a Helium balloon (s) and get the boys to write a message on for dad and we will release it.
Does that sounds silly?

Wuldric Wed 11-Sep-13 19:54:54

Thanks for the new thread Mummylin

Badvoc - releasing a balloon sounds lovely.

Badvoc Wed 11-Sep-13 20:03:37

Thanks wuldric. How are you?

Wuldric Wed 11-Sep-13 20:14:04

Bumbling along being pretty ineffective generally tbh - hope you're okay smile

Has anyone started dealing with photographs and trying to sort through them all? I have two massive boxes full of them. Some of them are in albums already but there is a mountain of photos just in those wallet things that need sorting through. Is there a better way of doing it? Probably I could try to store them digitally but it would still be the same amount of sorting ...

mummylin Wed 11-Sep-13 20:31:30

wuldric I still have boxes of stuff of my mums to sort out, I just am never in the mood to do it, luckily mum already had all her photos in albums. It's all the other stuff that I insisted on keeping !
badvoc that is a lovely idea. Your idea nowhere near as silly as what I did on sat. I turned my mums photo round so she could "watch" last night of the proms !

kansasmum Wed 11-Sep-13 23:23:17

Just seen this thread. Having bad night - been to see 'About Time' at the cinema with my sister. Bittersweet for me and my sis- if you haven't seen it the main character can time travel and after his Dad dies he can go back and talk to him. God how I WISH I could do that. I would give anything to have another hour/day/minute with my dad.
3 months on and it feels like yesterday...

mummylin Wed 11-Sep-13 23:37:20

Hello kansamum I think we would all echo your sentiment. Just one minute would do. I am very sorry for your loss and we all understand on this thread what terrible grief death brings to us.i think we all just go along and think our parents are here forever , then one day they are not and its awful without them isn't it. I feel like a little child without my mum, yet I have three grandchildren. Please feel welcome on this thread, there is usually someone here to reply to any posts.And it's a good place to have a little rant if you need to . It has been invaluable for me to be able to chat with others who understand completely the different emotions we all go through . We hope this thread can help you through it all

kansasmum Wed 11-Sep-13 23:47:21

Thanks mummylin. It's good to know I'm not alone.
Another thing I've found really hard ( and this may be selfish & harsh of me) is loads of people ask how my mum is but hardly anyone asks how I am anymore. I find my mum very difficult - we are like oil and water, I love her but find her very difficult. She is a very self centred person. I know her loss is huge but mine is too.

Mum doesn't ask how I am doing - ever. Never has since Dad got ill. Still blames me cos I said Dad needed syringe driver to control his pain when he could no loner swallow- she told me I was hastening his death. Hospice nurses repeatedly told her that wasn't true but she thinks it did.

Sorry random stuff coming out....

mummylin Wed 11-Sep-13 23:54:33

I'm afraid that is what happens , after a couple of weeks everyone expects us to be " okay " and just resume our lives as normal. It is usually people who still have their parents who do this and have no idea how bloody painful it is . It is a fact that our lives will never be the same again and it's hard trying to get our lives back to some semblance of how it used to be. It is heartbreaking. The loss is almost insurmountable, but we will all get through it with help from each other . It is very recent for you and I remember the first few awful weeks, then I had a real physical pain inside all the time. Now that has lessened as it soon will be two years for me, I think about my mum every day and miss her as much now as when it happened
I understand about the driver, but you didn't hasten your dads death. You just made it more bearable for him. I expect your mum is hitting out because she is upset.

Badvoc Thu 12-Sep-13 07:39:50

Oh yes.
My mum is worried about my brother apparently!
My brother who has fine nothing, never comes to see her and spends most of his free time in the pub.
Me however, who isn't eating or sleeping...not so much.
I dint think I got an hour last night.
am not speaking to dh.
Ds2 off school poorly.
All in all it's going to be a fun day

Badvoc Thu 12-Sep-13 07:40:16 ds1 did that with dads photo when one of his fave programmes came on! smile

ssd Thu 12-Sep-13 08:04:34

these posts here all make me smile and nod, even the sad ones, they are so familiar, we all seem to be going through the same thing at one time or another.......dh's who dont understand, even if they have lost their parents, friends who have living parents offering advice that seems to be from the moon and kames us feel worse, people being surprised we're not "over it" by now (whenever now is), no one asking US how we are, no one at all seeing the pain on your face or in your just goes on and on

I love this thread but I really wish I could set up clubs around the country where people could come and grieve for an hour or two, really rant and rave and cry and instead of being looked at like they're mad, they got a big hug and a strong cup of tea!....wouldn't that be just what we all need! I'm waiting for cruse to call me about an apt but its a 3 month wait because they are a voluntary organisation and they are swamped with people needing them. Isnt that awful, so many people like me waiting to talk to a stranger about the death of a beloved family member because the rest of the world cant see they are suffering. My own siblings have no idea, they'd be amazed to think I suffered beyond a few weeks, maybe not even that long.

Mummylin, don't think this is a daft suggestion, but I really think you should consider writing a book about all this. You probably don't realise the comfort you give people here, you seem to have a knack of hitting the nail on the head and addressing exactly the problem with a few kind words and it sends such comfort to people who are hurting. I think if you have time, you should consider this!

need to go be back soon xx

vladthedisorganised Thu 12-Sep-13 09:27:14

Oh kansasmum, absolutely!
I lost count of the people who said 'it must be so hard for your dad', or 'you must look after your dad' - which in some way was worse as it seemed to imply not only that I didn't need looking after myself, but that I wouldn't look out for my dad unless someone reminded me! People are often well-meaning but clueless.. and sometimes someone completely gets it, and it's nice in a way.

It must be so hard to have your mum so angry, but I think she's lashing out because she's angry that your dad died - kicking the cat if you like. You know that having the driver meant he wasn't in pain, and deep down so does your mum. Doesn't make it easier for you though.

I completely agree about the clubs, ssd; and I've been trying to think about how I do this myself. I know a few people who've lost parents recently and we've all experienced a similar thing - being told left right and centre that we 'need to be strong' for the surviving parent and our families, while wishing we had the time to be looked after too.

Badvoc I wish I could come over - it's bad enough to have an ill DC at the best of times but at the moment it must be the last thing you need. Hope he gets some sleep so you get some time to yourself.

Badvoc Thu 12-Sep-13 09:38:29

I wish you could too vlad! <sniff>
Am trying to potter around and do a few jobs but hard with ds2 here and wanting attention.
He has already watched a DVD (bad mother) and played building bricks.
Oh god, now he has the animatronic dinosaur! It's soooo loud! Argh.

justanuthermanicmumsday Thu 12-Sep-13 09:49:36

Sorry to here about your loss vlad truly. On the loss of My mum 3 years ago now, I feel like my loss does not count. Everything centres on my sisters grief. Since we are two sisters she was crying the most so she was comforted. In my culture the one who cries the most supposedly lobves their parent the most. I often think is this some sort of competition it's so vulgar. I like to visit my mums grave alone and grieve her alone, that's just my character. It doesn't mean I love her any less.

dad is totally lost without my mum. He used to keep active in the house doing chores with her cooking cleaning gardening. Since her death he spends his days lying on the sofa snoozing or watching tv. Hs developed a phobia and refuses to go out or even speak to posty or anyone at the door. He doesn't initiate conversations either its like trying to get blood out of a stone. It's coming from a hobby domineering man I feel like crying whenever I see him. It's like I've lost both parents.

poppyXsmile Thu 12-Sep-13 12:17:34

Hi everyone

I am very sorry for your losses. I hope we can help each other by listening to each other.

My mum died in January of this year. I had an ectopic pregnancy a few months ago. My husband and I moved in with my dad since he doesn't keep well and we wanted to be nearer my mum's side of the family....... none of my mum's side of the family speak to me or my dad now (over a ridiculous situation..........sometimes you see people's true colours when someone dies, and it is best to go your separate ways). So my dad has now put his house up for sale for me, my dad and my husband to move away from my mum's side of the family and start over somewhere new...........

I miss my mum so much! However I know she is around me all the time, and I have her strength and love. I now find myself 10 weeks pregnant........I had a miscarriage last year and an ectopic a few months ago, so I am nervous about this pregnancy.

I feel for you all as your life changes so much when someone you love passes away.


mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 12:19:49

justanuther poor you and your poor poor dad. It's all so very sad.
People can't see the silent tears we all have , feel the ache in our hearts and know that we all feel like lost souls.why do they have to see the tears to feel that we are in pain ?
ssd don't think I could do that, but thankyou for thinking like that.but I am lucky that I have always been a good listener. I did consider training to be a counsellor at one time, but discounted it. Not going to do it now. But if I can help someone now and then. That's enough for me.
badvoc it's hard looking after kids when they are poorly isn't it, I am not the most patient of people and I would be full of sympathy for the first couple of days, then as they recovered my patience used to wear very thin !
vlad I think that some people think its only the wife or husband who grieve ! It was a similar thing when my sister died, us siblings were just expected to get on as though nothing had happened.
For everyone on this thread thanks

mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 12:26:21

Hello poppy yes you are correct in saying you see people's true colours when a death occurs.i myself refuse now to speak to my next door neighbour because he didnt even have the decency to acknowledge my mums death despite knowing her for over twenty years and knitting for his dd when his wife went off! I am like an elephant and never forget !
I hope that the plans you have to move away will go some way to easing the problems with difficult family.
Sorry to hear about your miscarriage but happy to see you are now pregnant again
We have on this thread been able to support each other for a long while now, this is the third thread and I do not know what it would of been like to not of had all these lovely people to share things with.

mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 12:27:50

Hello poppy yes you are correct in saying you see people's true colours when a death occurs.i myself refuse now to speak to my next door neighbour because he didnt even have the decency to acknowledge my mums death despite knowing her for over twenty years and knitting for his dd when his wife went off! I am like an elephant and never forget !
I hope that the plans you have to move away will go some way to easing the problems with difficult family.
Sorry to hear about your ectopic but happy to see you are now pregnant again
We have on this thread been able to support each other for a long while now, this is the third thread and I do not know what it would of been like to not of had all these lovely people to share things with.

mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 12:28:17

Oops !

Badvoc Thu 12-Sep-13 13:14:34

Just...that is so sad about your dad. My mum is totally dependant on me and my sister. It scares me.
Poppy...many congrats on your pg. I had mc too and with ds2 I don't think I really believed all would be well til I held him in my arms! smile
My brother is showing his true colours. Sometimes he doesn't go to see mum for days. He works shifts and lives closer than me. He had 4 days off last week and never came near...sad before dad died they were always up at mums. But then again dads hand was always in his wallet so....they perhaps don't think it's worth their whole now sad angry
Although to be fair other people have been so kind...sending cards, phoning, popping in to see mum.
Ds2 and I are currently in bed. I am on MN and he is playing minecraft. I am a truly useless mother ATM...all I do is out a DVD on or give them their iPads sad
I want to go and see mum but ds2 is refusing to get dressed!
We have decided on having a tree with a plaque instead of a bench in dads memory.
I feel so grey, like there is nothing to look forward to. Have finally got round to ordering the food for ds2s birthday tea. Just need some party poppers, balloons and cake now!

Badvoc Thu 12-Sep-13 14:00:18

I've done it.
I have made an official clinical negligence complaint against the gp surgery that saw dad the night before he died.
At least I feel like I am doing something

mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 14:21:17

I didn't realise that you were unhappy with the docs * badvoc* good for you at doing something about it. At least you will be able to find out what went wrong . Is it your dads family docs you have the problem with ?

Badvoc Thu 12-Sep-13 14:24:37

He attended at 4.30pm the evening before he died complaining of left sided arm pain of 3'days duration and indigestion. My dad never went to the dr. Ever.
By 3pm next day he was dead from a massive heart attack.
I think it's a clear case of clinical negligence.

mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 15:23:46

Oh dear that's horribleness, I have actually heard of a similar thing happening to someone I knew. He had been to docs in the morning .and diedin the afternoon. Only in his late 30,s . I hope they will do a thou rough investigation for you.

mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 15:24:36

Don't know where that word came from horribleness !

Badvoc Thu 12-Sep-13 15:50:45

Just told my brother and he stormed out of mums house! sad
Mum is tortured by what ifs.
And so am I.
Do you know what happened in the case you mentioned Lin? Did the family get answers?

mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 16:41:37

I don't know badvoc. Ii was someone I worked with her partner died and she left work then so I, don't know about that.i also could torture myself with the what ifs, what if there has been a consultant on duty. What if it had been in the week and not the weekend when they are not many staff , what if they had put a stent In for mum instead of saying they would do that on Monday, it's awful thinking like that. I think we all have what ifs. It is something that most if us will never know and it won't actually make things any different now. I'm not sure how I would feel if it was proved that they could of saved my mum . To be honest I think now I would probably feel even worse.
But if you feel you have legitimate grievance then you are doing what is right for you, what did your mum think about doing this ?
Everyone's circumstances are different and you have to investigate if you ae troubled by this.
It's a shame about your brother. But he will have to deal with that himself .

waterlego Thu 12-Sep-13 17:07:56

Hello everyone. Thanks for the new thread mummylin smile

justanuther That's very sad about your dad, it must be very hard to see sad

Badvoc Well done for putting your complaint in- it sounds to me as though you certainly have grounds to complain. Some classic heart attack signs there, and a man who hardly ever needs to see the Dr- I would have thought the GP would have seen the causes for concern there and investigated properly. Good luck with it.

ssd I agree with you re mummylin smile

Hello * Poppy* I am sorry to hear of the loss of your mum and of your miscarriage. Congratulations on your pregnancy, must be so worrying for you, but I'm so glad you feel the presence of your mum with you.

Badvoc Thu 12-Sep-13 17:14:14

It's a tricky one.
It won't bring dad back.
If it means they have a full proceedure review it may save anther family going though this.
And that - for me - would be worth the upset.

mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 17:44:21

You have to do this badvoc if that is what you feel is right. I hope you get the answers you are looking for and it will you help you with what has happened. As you say. Maybe it will stop the same thing happening to others. Good luck with it all, will be interesting to see what they come up with. Don't worry about your brother, he is an adult and can look after himself . Hope you hear soon
waterlego I am not clever enough for that !

Badvoc Thu 12-Sep-13 17:51:12

Thanks Lin.
My aunt has been told she has "probable lung cancer" and has to go back next week for a biopsy.
What a bloody week sad

mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 18:22:49

Oh my god, is this bad time ever going to end for your family, poor lady

Badvoc Thu 12-Sep-13 19:33:40

Apparently dsis had been dx as diabetic today and her BP is dangerously high sad
I feel totally overwhelmed.

ssd Thu 12-Sep-13 19:47:03

oh badvoc I'm sorry sad. you are having it so tough. wish I could give you a hug xxx

mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 19:48:04

This is just unbelievable. Surely there can't be anything else round the corner. Does your sis have type 1 or 2 ? I think ( but not sure ) that its type 1 that needs daily insulin. She will have to look after herself, as do you too

Badvoc Thu 12-Sep-13 19:51:21

Type 2 so she is on tablets. Better than type 1 at least.
You just couldn't make it up, could you?
Sorry to whinge.
It's all I seem to so lately.
Thanks for listening.

mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 20:41:20

It's not surprising badvoc. You have had so much bad news in the last two months. You must be reeling from it all. Do look after yourself or you will end up ill

Marshy Thu 12-Sep-13 20:49:51

Hi all
Here a bit late today to say hello as have been back go work today. Got in early and so also home early but just slept as feeling exhausted.

Dc were both occupied sp took the chance for a bit of a heart to heart with dh about what Monday might bring and how we are going to cope if the news isn't good. I think 'just get on with it and remember the good things' probably sums it up! Was good to be able to air my worries though and face up to the worse case. For once I am glad that my mum isn't here so I don't have to give her this worry.
Badvoc so sorry for all your troubles and hope you get some quieter times soon

mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 21:18:50

We. Will all be keeping everything crossed that your results are not as bad as you fear . What an awful worry for you all as a family. I guess the worrying part is one of the worst, not knowing what you may have to face. Hope fully you will be fine .

Badvoc Thu 12-Sep-13 21:35:25

Thinking of you marshy x

mummylin Fri 13-Sep-13 16:41:29

Thinking of you all today, have had a happy time with my sis and the little twins ! Off to a show tonight with my dd, take care everyone , be kind to yourselves

BlueCat83 Fri 13-Sep-13 19:07:40

Hi everyone, I lost my dad a week ago today.. It's the funeral on Monday and it makes it all so final... I don't want it to come round, I enjoy seeing him at the funeral directors and dont want that to end. My dad had Alzheimer's for the last six years.. I'm just looking for some words of wisdom from others who have been through it... Hope I've not just butted in xx

Marshy Fri 13-Sep-13 20:17:20

Hi bluecat
So sorry for your loss and of course you haven't butted in. You will find lots of support here and people who can understand a little of what you are going through.
My mum died in April and had also suffered with dementia. It is a cruel illness.
I hope the funeral goes ok for you. It does feel final, yes, but I think it's a really important part of the process of dealing with what has happened.
It must feel so raw for you at the moment. I do feel for you.
Please come back here at any time and share your thoughts if that would be helpful. It usually doesn't take too long to get a reply and there are some truly lovely people on this thread.
Sending you strength to get through the next few days..

officelady Fri 13-Sep-13 20:49:03

Hello everyone, just thought I'd pop in and say hi. I didn't post much on the last thread but I do think of you all and it is reassuring to know that this place is here for us (special thanks to mummylin!).
My mum died just over a year ago and sometimes it still feels like yesterday. In many ways it gets harder as time goes on - I feel like she is getting further away, which makes me sad.
I had my first disagreement with dh over mum last week, we were talking about Christmas and I said I wanted to spend it with dad, he muttered "great - I suppose this is how it's going to be from now on" and I lost it with him. There is no way I am going to leave my dad on his own at Christmas! He lives 200+ miles away and he can't come to us because he lives on a farm & can't leave the animals. Also there's my uncle (mum's brother) who has no family and would always go to mum and dad's for Xmas dinner so I wouldn't want him to be alone either. Anyway I have put my foot down so we are going to spend Xmas with dad and my uncle, and dh can just lump it.
Badvoc I wish you well with your claim against the GP. My mum saw her doctor a couple of days before she died, with nausea and chest pain, and was told there was nothing wrong with her. She actually said they made her feel like she was wasting their time. She also died of a heart attack. I am really angry with the doctor but my dad doesn't want to pursue it so I have to respect his wishes.
Anyway I have rambled on for long enough. Take care everyone x

Badvoc Fri 13-Sep-13 21:22:13

Bluecat...i am very sorry for your loss. It will be 7 weeks tomorrow that we lost dad and it seems so much longer. I expected some closure after the funeral and didn't get it so dont be disappointed/upset if that doesn't happen. I will be thinking of you on Monday x
Lady...oh, god, Xmas! I can't even think about it. Your dad and uncle are very lucky to have you. I am so sorry about your mum. And about the way the gp made her feel x
So...mum was taken back into hospital last night sad my sis and I got back at 5am this morning. She has been dx with unstable angina. Some of her meds have been tripled, some doubled. She has been having chest pain every day and not telling us. She was discharged at 7pm and is now home.
I could weep, if I weren't so tired sad
Love to all x

MovingForward0719 Fri 13-Sep-13 22:53:52

Hi Bluecat my dad died of dementia last December. It was a very strange time. A bit like two people had died. The person he was before the illness and the person he turned into. I felt great relief when he died. He had been diagnosed 5 years earlier but was going downhill all last year. The truly awful bit was only about 12 weeks when he was in hospital and I'm glad it was no longer. I don't think I've really taken in everything that happened, you go into a different mode when someone is ill that long. Not sure if this helps?

mummylin Sat 14-Sep-13 01:19:33

Not been home very long , but will reply to everyone tomorrow , as you can see its very late now, would just like to say to badvocthat I'm sorry your mum had to go to hospital once again. To the newcomers. Sorry to see you here but welcome to our thread, I hope you will find some comfort here

mummylin Sat 14-Sep-13 09:46:36

bluecat sorry that you too are having to go through this very sad time. I think the funeral is an ordeal but surprisingly it sometimes turns out not as dreadful as we anticipate. This may be due to being surrounded by family members and friends who somehow give us a bit of strength at this time it is afterwards when everyone has gone home and we are then left to deal with it that things can get so painful and lonely. This is where we can try and help you get through as RL help and support seems to dry up.
Of course it's an awful day and full of sadness but its something that we have to get through.
I understand that you get comfort from going to see your dad. I did too with my mum because in a way I felt she was still here . I saw my mum for the last time about 2 hours before the funeral and this hit me hard knowing I couldn't see her again.this was the final time.
I hope you do have RL support and hope that Monday will be bearable for you. Do come back and post whenever you need a few listening ears. We have all been where you are and are all at different stages. But it helps so much to speak to like minded people who know how it is
officelady I understand what you mean by the timeline thing. The longer away that day gets its longer since we have seen our mum/ dad and that is vey upsetting.In a few weeks it will be two whole years for me am I still feel like it is recent. Although the terrible actual physical pain I felt has now gone.of course you don't want to leave your poor dad alone and I think that your dh should be able to understand this. Good for you on sticking to your plans to include your dad and your uncle.what is it with some dh, s who appear at times to be so bloody selfish and can't see how it is for other people besides themselves.
badvoc I would imagine you are now extremely worried about your mum as its now 2/3 times in the past two months your mum has been taken to hospital. What have they said about her this time ? It must be a constant worry for you along with everything else you have going on at the moment. Hope things are better with your dh. You need his support at this time , my god you have so much going on, I don't know how you can cope with it all.

mummylin Sat 14-Sep-13 10:04:01

movingforward I understand what you say about losing your dad twice must of been very distressing, but I do in a way also understandand the relief after seeing your dad decline so much. None of us wants to see our loved ones suffer, it must be I credibly painfull to watch a loved one change so much, I didnt have that as mum died unexpectedly.

Badvoc Sat 14-Sep-13 10:21:39

Hi Lin.
Dh has let me have a lie in and I am just up!
Poor ds2 wants to play. I just want a cup of tea and to sit quietly sad
I will go and see mum later. I am so furious with her!
Everything is such a mess. The house is a tip. Ironing pile getting huge...god I'm so tired.
Dh off to do the grocery shop. He won't let me do an online order as he feels it costs too much...never mind I do it because its easier!
Feel very low.
Ds2 is still coughing but fine in himself. He should be back at school on Monday.
7 weeks today sad

mummylin Sat 14-Sep-13 10:43:38

Where have the last few weeks gone. I remember your first post very clearly then your subsequent one about your mum. It seems to of steadily got worse for you. Instead of any better, glad that you managed to get a lie in today. I would think you are mentally and physically exhausted.has your mum been taking her medication ? Why is she still having pain. She probably thinks she is stopping you from worrying by not saying anything when in fact it's the exact opposite. But she is in a strange place too with the loss of your dad and now the worry of her sister . Hope you soon have brighter days ahead, glad your ds recovering from his chest infection now.

Marshy Sat 14-Sep-13 11:15:03

badvoc so sorry to hear about your mum again. Could you get some help in to get the house straight? When my mum's flat got like this I hired someone from a cleaning company and spent the day with her whilst mum was in hospital getting it all sorted. She did the work really and I just identified what needed doing and helped out a bit. It didn't cost a fortune.
After that we gradually arranged for mum to have carers coming in, although she always resisted that.
I can remember being so cross with her as I had so much to do and it seemed as if she just wasn't bothering, but looking back I can see that she just wasn't up to it.
I hope things improve for you soon.
I am surrounded by packing as dd off to uni tomorrow. Just going out to buy her a hairdryer as we have realised that she always uses mine!
mummylin what show did you see? Did you have a good time?

Badvoc Sat 14-Sep-13 11:16:25

It's just so relentless ATM.
I know other people are dealing with terrible things too and I should be gratefully for small mercies but I am struggling to keep positive.
It's my ds2s b day on 25th and he had requested a family tea party. Except we aren't all going to be there, are we? sad
I have ordered the food, got the card, discussed his gift with dh...but I just can't summon up any enthusiasm. Poor ds2 sad
And Xmas! God, I can't bear to think about it!
Mum will be here or at my sisters over Xmas and new year (either/or) so we will be at home I think. Not feeling very festive but must make the effort for the dc. My dad loved Xmas. He was like a big kid. I miss him so much. So much.

Badvoc Sat 14-Sep-13 11:18:41

Marshy...gosh, what a bittersweet day for you tomorrow will be! I am sure you are very proud smile

Marshy Sat 14-Sep-13 11:19:40

oh, just re-reading your post I think I might have got it wrong re the tip! Sorry blush

mummylin Sat 14-Sep-13 11:21:26

I went to see a show that comes here every summer. It tours round the different towns . It's called " that'll be the day " and it's a mixture of 60,s 70,s and 80,s music. They change the show every year and if you .like music, which I do, it's fab. We had a really good time and went to a pub for some dinner first, just me and my dd. was even better because dh treated us both for show and dinner ! It's 3 hrs of non stop music !

Marshy Sat 14-Sep-13 11:24:58

Yes, very proud and pleased for her, but I have struggled with the thought of her going. Seems like another loss although obviously very different. Just dealing with practicalities today, will take her to uni tomorrow with all her stuff and say goodbye (gulp) and then hospital appointment for results on Monday....

Marshy Sat 14-Sep-13 11:27:34

Sounds fab mummylin. I love music too. Hopefully will be seeing some London shows with dd as she is heading that way.
Off to do stuff now. Will check in later

Hi all, sorry i havent been around much today been very busy this week. how is everyone doing,sorry to see newcomers to the thread and those old faces ( in mn speak not that any of you are old) that have had bad news or are struggling with things. I am muddling along okay have been feeling pretty strong lately but know its the small things that make the difference and the next few months will be hard for me to remember

mummylin Sat 14-Sep-13 21:02:39

Would you believe that X factor reduced me to tears tonight. First of all a young man sang the song we had at mums funeral. Then a girl singer came in and sang "run" and these words just made me sob
* even if you cannot hear my voice , ill be right beside you dear" that just summed it up for me and made me so sad

I sobbed at her, not for the song but because of her running out to her mum who was waiting to give her a hug. god id sacrifice so much to have that just once more

mummylin Sat 14-Sep-13 21:58:37

That's strange we were both affected by the same singer! But I was due a good cry. Been building up for a while, and dh is out and I just had a weird few minutes, feel a bit heavy hearted at the minute, but better than I felt in those an hour ago . Hope you have cheered up too

Marshy Sat 14-Sep-13 23:20:09

mummylin you are always so upbeat and supportive of others. Hug for you tonight xx

t875 Sat 14-Sep-13 23:24:07

Yeah same here! Then through the key hole although made me laugh but also the west life version of raise me up! :-/

The blokes next of kins song was very touching too.
Hugs all round
Badvoc hope your mum is ok
Thinking of everyone on the thread remember you are not on your own and we are here for you all.
My heart goes out to those that have recently lost take each hour day slowly don't put too much on yourself talk, cry, rant when needed.
If you have really bad times please phone CRUSE they were a great help to me their generic 24 hour number which I phoned a few times they really were great when I was ranting and sobbing my heart out. I also had 4 sessions of councilling as I was in deep shock and was panicky.

Vlad - good to see you, I'm sorry to hear of your loss please come back again.
Hi biscuits, ssd. X

mummylin Sat 14-Sep-13 23:48:08

Yes I heard that too t875 so in fact I heard my mums funeral song twice in a short space of time. I was goin to turn the tele over. But then. Thought. I cant escape it forever so left it. But I'm ok again now, it was just hearing it( twice) then the leona Lewis song àll In a little while. I actually love the leona song, it's just so sad and right after the first westlife it was a bit too much for me tonight

t875 Sat 14-Sep-13 23:56:33

Yeah same! I think if I'd heard it by Daniel I donnell I think I'd have really have lost it!

Next of kin was great though on x factor! Through the key hole was funny though! Then we caught up on I love my country which was good!!

mummylin Sun 15-Sep-13 00:00:48

That's who sang on my mums version actually, he was one of mums fav singers. My brother chose that music.i may of chosen something different. But that's what he wanted so we had that. Mum saw him several times when he came to our town.

t875 Sun 15-Sep-13 00:08:08

Mummy Lin I can't believe his our mums were alike! My mum loved Daniel I donnell and saw him loads with my dad. We also had d I donnell raise me up for my mums funeral song. And also one other which I can't remember. Me and my brother like foot steps too in relation to my mums passing. X

mummylin Sun 15-Sep-13 00:15:11

That's a coincidence isn't it. That was our going in song. She would of approved of that for sure!

t875 Sun 15-Sep-13 09:15:42

Wow that is a coincidence. We had flying without wings.

I'm feeling blah again but trudging on. Least the suns out today! Had to get up and watch TV to shake off my thinking. sad it has got a bit easier but times like this no spiritual belief or the spiritual thinking she's with me helps x

ssd Sun 15-Sep-13 10:12:11

hi everyone xxx

marshy, thinking of you today and tomorrow xxx

Marshy Sun 15-Sep-13 11:34:25

Thanks ssd. I've been welling up (on the quiet) already and haven't even left the house yet! We're off at 1pm.
My boob is feeling sore too. Probably from the biopsies or just psychological as it never has before.
Must get on, will check in later.
Hope everyone has a good day.

t875 Sun 15-Sep-13 11:43:36

Marshy Will also be thinking of you. Sending you a virtual hug x

mummylin Sun 15-Sep-13 12:40:24

Sending you good vibes from me too marshy will be keeping everything crossed for good results for you thanks

Badvoc Sun 15-Sep-13 15:07:57

My mum is a massive Daniel o Donnell fan! She has requested You raise me up for her funeral.
We had I want to know what love is by foreigner and I can hear music by the beach boys for dad.
Thinking of you marshy x

thinking of you marshy.

my gramps likes daniel odonnel he sings often, more so these days think its his escape. we had save tonight by eagle eye cherry and fairytale of new york by the pogues. mum would of pissed herself laughing at us all walking out of church to:

You scum bag
You maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God
It's our last

Ironic that she was belting it out in 2011 and then she didnt see christmas 2012. never thought in a million years that would happen

mummylin Sun 15-Sep-13 18:01:20

Badvoc that is what we had for my mum !

Badvoc Sun 15-Sep-13 18:09:58

I have chosen run by snow patrol and if I fall behind by Bruce Springsteen and the e street band for my funeral!

mummylin Sun 15-Sep-13 20:03:35

Oh badvoc it was " run" that tipped me over te top last night and made me cry. The words are so sad, but I like the Leona Lewis version. How strange that , you t875 and myself all have the same music. ! Although for t875 it's different tune but still same singer how is your mum?

t875 Sun 15-Sep-13 20:28:50

Super Mario sister I bet your mum was laughing at the pogues! And how you wrote it I have to say it made me grin
I know what you mean. We celebrated my mums birthday for her 65th birthday 2011 who would have thought 2012 her birthday wouldn't have her there

I've got through my day been hard but got through.
Hope your all best you can.
I think it's very ironic we had and have so many Daniel I donnell songs. My mum adored him. Is he still going? My dad liked him too but my mum was in the fan club etc saw him at Albert hall London.
My dads finding it hard getting about as he's pulled tendons in his knee. I feel for him as he feels tied to the house at the moment.

Badvoc Sun 15-Sep-13 20:39:09

Mum seems ok thanks Lin. Fingers x the new meds work.
I love the lyrics of "run"....I totally understand that it made you well up! Do youtube "if I fall behind" - its really beautiful (I think anyway)
My mum is Irish so I grew up listening to lots of Irish groups and singers. I am not a fan of Daniel myself but mum loves him. I love the pogues tough!! smile
I think dh and I might try and get a weekend away at some point. We are like ships that pass in the night ATM and he is away with work this week for 2 days sad

t875 Sun 15-Sep-13 20:42:21

Glad your mum is doing ok badvoc!

I'm sure will be good for you and dh especially with him working away. Be good for you for the break too x

mummylin Mon 16-Sep-13 00:30:05

marshy it s now Monday, a day I am sure you have been dreading, but we are all hoping for the best for you and I will be keeping everything crossed for you that it's good news

t875 Mon 16-Sep-13 08:25:28

Same here marshy. Thinking positive thoughts for you xx

another one hopping on to wish you all the best marshy

Marshy Mon 16-Sep-13 09:54:59

Thanks all. Feeling pretty rubbish this morning. Was going to go into work but couldn't face it so all alone in the house. Missing dd but glad she isn't here and is instead hopefully enjoying her first proper day at uni. Ds is at 6th form, dh coming home from work around 1pm, appointment is 2.30.

ssd Mon 16-Sep-13 10:02:33

will be thinking of you then marshy xxx

t875 Mon 16-Sep-13 10:37:49

We're right with you marshy xx

Badvoc Mon 16-Sep-13 12:53:42

Thinking of you marshy x

Hi everyone just a quick update (i posted on the other thread sometime ago) Well its been 3 months since Mum went and im ok some of the time and others im not. Ive had a lot to cope with and its not good. My brother turned up after creating a fake account on facebook! Hes blaming me for him not being there! Apparently because him and i dont get on ive told him to stay away from my DS and me he took it to mean he stays away from everyone!! Hes been to see Gran once and has emailed me a few times but all he goes on about is himself. Im coming to the conclusion that hes not really worth the effort and i dont need the hassle. My Gran hasnt been well herself and is finding things a struggle. So im looking after her too but as long as shes ok then im ok too. On the plus side ive had 6 days holiday with my best friend (first child free holiday in 20 years!!!!) My DS was in skeggy with his carer! It was really weird being away without Mum - i kept wanting to buy her stuff with Cliff Richard on it! (yes i know but she loved him!) Im just trying to move forward one day at a time but its hard. Anyway before this post turns into a novel i will stop now. Thankyou for getting this far! Sorry for all your losses i cant remember you all by name (sorry) so heres some flowers xx

mummylin Mon 16-Sep-13 15:14:26

Hello Stephanie, sorry things turned sour with your brother, hassle you can do without I'm sure, best probably to just get on with your own life if he has that attitude towards you.yes it is a struggle to move on , but it's still very early days for you yet.
Glad to see you had a nice break with your friend. I'm sure that must of done you some good and I'm sure the break was well deserved.

Badvoc Mon 16-Sep-13 15:39:00

Hello steph x
Well, we can have a magnolia tree for dad smile just need to sort a plaque out now.
My dad was my aunts (his sisters) executor and my sister has mentioned it to my cousin. If she wants to do a new will she will need to find a new executor. I know this sounds awful, but I really really hope she doesn't ask me sad it's such an awful, upsetting job sad
Ds2 back at school today after being so poorly last week. Apparently another child had high temp and sickness so maybe it's going round?
Just hope we are all ok til thurs and dh gets back!!

mummylin Mon 16-Sep-13 15:54:26

Hi badvoc I too know I am executor on another will and I don't want to do it either. Once was enough for me. Although this other one wouldn t be so complicated. Glad your ds has gone to school and s is better, a couple of my friends have the flu so maybe that is going round in various forms

ssd Mon 16-Sep-13 16:24:05

ds has been off with flu today too, its going round here

hi steph, i remember you looking for your db, seems it wasnt worth finding him, isnt that the way sometimes sad

glad you can get your tree badvoc

I keep thinking of marshy, hope shes ok

Marshy Mon 16-Sep-13 17:12:38

Hi all
The good news is that it's probably non invasive but there are some abnormalities in my left breast which are likely to require quite extensive surgery. I've had more biopsies of my lymph node just to be sure and as long as that is clear then surgery should sort it. Not what I wanted to hear but could be a lot worse.
Thanks for all of your concern everyone. It has been lovely knowing you are all there. Not sure how often I'll be posting as will have a lot to deal with over the next few weeks but will update at some point.
Hope you all go all go along ok.
Marshy x

good luck marshy, always be thinking and here to chat whenevr you are around.x

mummylin Mon 16-Sep-13 19:56:26

Very glad to hear that marshy not about the treatment though, update and pop in when you can.

t875 Mon 16-Sep-13 20:18:40

Oh wow marshy. Will be thinking of you and please keep us updated. Lots of hugs to you. We will be here for you anytime! Still thinking positive! Xx

Badvoc Mon 16-Sep-13 20:38:16

Good luck marshy x

ssd Mon 16-Sep-13 20:42:33

here anytime you need a chat or a hug marshy xxx

waterlego Mon 16-Sep-13 20:49:03

Hello Marshy. Sorry to hear you're going to need surgery, but pleased to hear that it sounds as though there's nothing too sinister behind it all. Did your dd get off to Uni ok? What an emotionally fraught time for you! Sending hugs.

Hello to everyone else. Been too busy to get on here much, was my birthday at the weekend and I was spoiled rotten by my OH blush. He's always been really good at buying gifts and usually does so on a budget but very creatively. This year, however, his business has been doing very well, and I think he figured he wanted to treat me as it's been such a tough year, and he bought me a beautiful charm bracelet and charms to go on it- one from him and one from the DCs. We also went out for a really lovely dinner (and I should've resisted the urge to follow the champagne up with port after the meal, but I never learn and spent my actual birthday nursing a bit of a sore head smile)

Hope everyone's doing ok. Will try to catch up properly this week. Hugs to all.

Badvoc Tue 17-Sep-13 10:14:58

Feel very low today sad
Mum is at hospital having her heart echo and I am spending the day ironing.
She is staying tonight as dh is away.
Glad you had a good weekend Lego smile

mummylin Tue 17-Sep-13 12:17:57

Hi waterlego it sounds like you had a lovely gift from your dh And now he will never have to worry what to get for you again. Because he can keep buying you new charms ! Doesn't hurt for you to be spoilt now and again, jug the pick up you need
badvoc hope the test for your mum isn't too tiring for her. A least tonight you won't have to worry because she will be with you . You are doing my least fav job today. I hate it , put some music on to .lift your spirits a bit, music is a great help too when your ironing !

Badvoc Tue 17-Sep-13 12:21:12

I am watching skyfall smile
I love Daniel Craig.

t875 Tue 17-Sep-13 17:39:03

Water Lego - happy birthday! Hope you had a great day! Sounds like a lovely thoughtful present from dh! So much so I told mine in hopes he might take the hint for next year grin

Badvoc - hope your mums echo was ok
Ssd - hope DS is getting better and you all don't get it.
Biscuits (()) speak soon xx
Hi to everyone else. Right ol drippy day here! !!

Hugs for anyone who needs them. X

t875 Tue 17-Sep-13 17:40:31

Like Daniel Craig too badvoc! wink

Mummylin - hope your going along ok today x
Ssd will pm you x

mummylin Tue 17-Sep-13 22:01:36

Ok t875 that's fine. Guess what I'm doing tomorrow, I am helping my friend look after a baby !!! Oh my god and I was telling my sister yesterday how I thought what hard work they are etc. my friend had a stroke and can't manage herself.
Hope you are all ok and the weather isn't making you feel lower than ever, it's so depressing snt it with no sun. Just cold and wet. Badvoc hope your mum ok.

ssd Wed 18-Sep-13 10:23:09

happy birthday water, hope you have a lovely day. Its my birthday ina few days, hope dh comes up with something, last year all I got on my birthday was my mums funeral bill, I prayed this year would be more positive but it just doesn't feel like it yet. I read this quote from another poster about grief, it sums it up well how I'm feeling

"There's a Terence Rattigan quote in the anthology "all in the end is harvest" (which I would recommend highly, btw) in which he says something like..... "I won't insult you by telling you you will forget, but in time you won't remember as fiercely as you do now, and I pray that time will be soon."

I hope that time comes soon for all of us. I got a book out the library last night called "Living with complicated grief", will let you all know if it helps or is just a load of waffle.

Badvoc Wed 18-Sep-13 11:03:07

I would recommend "you'll get over it: the rage of bereavement" by Virginia ironside.
I found it very helpful.
Mum is ok. She hates winter so is dreading the next few months. Today it's very grey again here.

ssd Wed 18-Sep-13 19:07:17

its so hard keeping your mum going when you're barely functioning badvoc, I know it well sad

thanks for recommending that book, I've heard of it before but I thought it was about being angry over a death (the rage bit??). I maybe got the wrong end of the stick?

Badvoc Wed 18-Sep-13 19:20:50

Is does cover the anger you feel but also covers other less well known aspects of grieving.
I found it helped.
I am not keen on flowery language and am wary of psycho babble but I found this book was very well written and used real life stories and experiences.
The author lost both parents in very different circumstances and talks about things like step families, other people's reaction to your grief and his to cope with insensitive people, conflict over wills etc
After what happened to my dad I feel like the is so little point in making plans, saving for the future...
Before my bereavement I walked in the sunshine and ignored the shadows.
Now all I can see is shadows sad

ssd Wed 18-Sep-13 19:47:16

I've just went onto amazon to read the reviews of this book and was amazed to read one review which summed up exactly how I feel about my loss, I hope no one minds me copying and pasting it here, its for me to read and reread, I find reading stuff that resonates with me stops me from feeling so alone in all this...apologies for the length of it but this is the only place on the internet I read and I'd lose it if I tried to put it anywhere else...again, its a review of a book but the review just feels really personnel to me and I want to keep it here. I hope no one minds.

"I've been in the depths of despair inside for years now, primarily due to the loss of my parents with no support from my blood family whatsoever. My husband has been 100% there for me but I can hardly keep bawling my eyes out in front of him. And so I turned to books for help. This was one of them. I read it in the Autumn of 2010, nine months after my Mum died, (my Dad had died nearly 6 years earlier) and that was too soon for me. To read how others feel at their losses did not feel empathetic; I soaked up their feelings like a sponge and went into overload.

Recently I thought I would try to see if I could read it again to see if I felt differently - I just couldn't do it. I reminded myself of various parts in it but the same desolation it inspired then returned in full force and I just had to stop. I would definitely not recommend that anyone read it soon after they are bereaved when the emotions are raw; the loss fresh and vivid. It could devastate them.

This book was written because of the feelings the author experienced at the time her father died which triggered emotions about all those who had died in her past and my first reaction was that it was a brilliant portrayal of this. And it is. And that's the problem. I so totally agreed with how she says it feels when the second parent dies but she also made it clear that she believes this doesn't change and that it goes on forever and ever. The hopelessness of life after being orphaned at a mature age, the loss of a child or a partner, the awareness of our own mortality and the horrible realization that we never get over it - never - doomed to go to our graves feeling this way, is too much for anyone to bear, however true it is.

The author is scathing of any suggestion that we go through emotional stages following a death. She believes that we will interpret these as a rigid sequence. Not crediting anyone with the intelligence to know it is different for everyone. Because of this, there is no structure of that sort to the content of the book and it is therefore inherently a messy book about a messy subject. The problem is, it left me feeling in a mess. I don't think books that describe stages and give hope should be written off. I don't for one moment think that there is the same sequence for everyone and certainly we return again and again to earlier emotions 'in no particular order'. But such books at least break up the emotions into digestible pieces we can relate to and which we then can extrapolate, adjust, switch around and so on to better understand our own experiences. They also give hope. On the cover of her book is a note by Anthony Clare "A very painful, honest and ultimately hopeful account". This led me to believe there was some hope. This book gives none. Even the postscript three years after the death of her father is in the same vein: "I'm impatient to discover whether I have to live in this land of grief and rage and confusion for ever, or whether bereavement is actually a journey...".

Don't get me wrong - she is absolutely right. It is two years since my Mum died and I'm as upset, lost, lonely, confused, ... as I was then - when I let myself dwell on it. I reiterate: this book doesn't have any hope in it. It is not a book that the bereaved should read believing it does. We all know we are mortal; we all know we are going to die and all around us are going to die too. We don't dwell on it. We have to believe things will get better - this is constructive. We also know that we will experience pain - for some, unbearable and forever pain - but what we need is positive support while we endure such pain however long that is. You may feel better for reading about other peoples experiences - there are numerous examples in this book - but I believe it is unhealthy to endorse pain in such a way when adamant that there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

I truly wish that this book had remained a private unpublished vent of anger for the author. Obviously many may disagree with me. The thing is, do you want to feel better and able to cope or do you want to wallow in self-pity forever as the author has decided we must and probably will? Yes we will grieve. Yes we will feel guilt, fear, anger and all the other horrendous emotions a death inspires (even relief for some). But also, yes we must live as the changed person that we inevitably become after a death and yes we must move on for the benefit of those who are still alive including ourselves."

badvoc, am no way rubbishing this book, I want to read it and think it will help, I just wanted to be able to re read this review as it describes exactly how I feel about my bereavement and having no parents or support from my blood relatives in dealing with it all.Its just a private thing sorry its taken up a lot of space here blush

ssd Wed 18-Sep-13 19:50:23

badvoc, I hear you. I really want to read this book now, I think it'll mean a lot of sense to me, the review above is just a personnel thing as so much of it is true to me, I mean her circumstances, not what she says about the book

ssd Wed 18-Sep-13 20:06:52

sorry its just me again

the bit about the hopelessness of life after being orphaned at a mature age describes me now. But I dont want to feel like this, I've got too much to live for to feel despair for the rest of my life/ and I know thats the last thing my mum and dad would have wanted for me. I've got a good dh and kids, they might not be perfect but they're perfect for me (most of the timegrin) I should appreciate them more and stop thinking about how shit my siblings have been and how alone I've felt and start realizing what I still have,not just what I've lost.

But its so hard to do, isnt it sad

Badvoc Wed 18-Sep-13 20:14:39

I wish I could send it to you, but it's on my kindle sad
It's not an easy read, that's for sure and I am not sure I agree with her on everything but it really resonated with me.
I also loathe the way some authors compartmentalise grief. The "stages". I agree with the author...I think that's a load of rubbish designed to make us feel more in control of an emotion that is behind our control.
I did find the end of book hopeful actually. The author doesn't pull punches but the very fact she had written the book is in itself hopeful. She was able to do it. Able to articulate her feelings.
I am still sorting out stuff for mum...trying to get certificates back from companies etc, sorting out the plaque and tree for the cemetery, sorting out her meds (there are loads!).
I have a dh and siblings ssd and yet....I still feel so alone. My grief is mine alone and no one can help me with that.
And that's a scary thought.
I have modest hopes.
I hope that, in time, my grief is not less, or no longer there, but is not so visceral and painful.
I hope that for all of us x

Badvoc Wed 18-Sep-13 20:19:22

Yes it is.
I feel so bad that I feel the way I do. My dc are wonderful as is dh. He helped me give dad CPR and ventilated him in the ambulance. He was good mates with my dad (they are very alike smile) and gave the eulogy at the funeral.
And yet...I find myself furious with him sad he went back to work 36 hours after dad died. His life goes on as before.
And I just feel broken.
Added to all this is my mums ill health, now my aunts poor prognosis and my sisters new diagnosis.
I just keep thinking....what next? What more can I cope with?
Things feel very bleak. may not always be so.
And I have to cling to that x

ssd Wed 18-Sep-13 20:30:39

you've had an awful lot to cope with.

in my imagination I feel having support from my siblings would make all the difference. but maybe it wouldnt. I do know it would have made me feel less lonely about it all. my sister asked me recently do you still miss mum? I couldnt answer her I broke down. thats the first time since mum died she has mentioned her to me. my db hasnt mentioned her at all!!! mum died over a year ago. my sister said they all went home and got on with their lives and forgot about me, not her words but what she meant. its taken her a year to realise this but it makes no difference, its too late now.

I'm sorry again badvoc xxx

Badvoc Wed 18-Sep-13 20:43:56

Gosh ssd, that sounds hard sad were your siblings close to your mum?
My sister has been pretty good. We talk about dad all the time. And mum too. But not my brother...he hardly ever even comes to mums house now whereas when dad was alive he was always there.
I am deeply hurt by that.
I just....miss him, you know? His smell, his walk, the way he could make me laugh by just looking at me in a certain way. I feel like I have lost a limb.
I can't imagine how my mum feels.

ssd Wed 18-Sep-13 20:47:25

badvoc, a tip with your dh

when mine is driving me absolutely mental, I just think "he emptied my mums bins"

he used to help me clean her house and he'd have done anything for her, he was great that way

it sounds like your dh was the same with your dad

try to think of a memory of the 2 of them and when he's driving you nuts think "he made dad smile"

that'll stop you from murdering him! xx

Badvoc Wed 18-Sep-13 20:51:31

That's a good tip! smile
Dh and dad used to go on "jollies" as I called them...they went away to Europe, USA, china...they loved to travel.
They were planning a trip to brazil next...not to be sad
It was only in very recent years that mum and dad could afford trips abroad...I'm glad he got to go.
It's so hard. I feel so responsible for mum. It must be terrible for people who have no family sad

ssd Wed 18-Sep-13 21:02:18

my siblings were closer to mum when she was more able and less elderly, eg younger, when she could babysit and go on holiday with them, or at least fly there and visit them, when she started getting old and a bit difficult they stepped back, she wasn't any use to them anymore., they moved on and left her to me, it was too much work for them.

I remember when my dad died, I was broken hearted, I couldn't believe it. I couldn't say the word dad for months and months, just couldn't bear it. But I must have slowly moved on. I remember asking mum a few years after he'd died if she had got over his loss by now? Her face crumpled, it was like seeing her heart crumple in her eyes. I immediately realised my mistake and what a stupid thing I'd asked her. Of course she wasn't over it, she never would be. That's how I feel about losing mum now, like we were the last two and now there's just me. I remember seeing a programme on the telly about spirituality, it was Alfie Bow being interviewed by Fern Britton. He was describing how it felt when his dad died. He said he felt so empty but he turned round and seen his mum was still there. He said they went for walk on the beach together and even though it was raining heavily him and his mum, they never got wet, they both knew his dad was protecting them from the rain. I feel like I've got no protection now, like I've been blown into the universe with no safety net and no background to fall back on.Its all gone. My family died when mum went. Its just me and dh and the kids now, there's nothing else. And it scares me, the loneliness of it all.

Badvoc Wed 18-Sep-13 21:21:37

Oh ssd sad
That's so sad.
Thank goodness your mum had you when she became older and more frail. That's why I am upset with my brother....I know he finds mum neediness upsetting. But we all do. Except My sister and I don't have the luxury of walking away sad
It's hard to know that I will feel like an orphan for the rest of my life.

ssd Wed 18-Sep-13 21:35:26

walking away was never an option for me either, no way would I have done that, though siblings did it with no trouble

funny how we are all so different

t875 Wed 18-Sep-13 23:48:16

Ssd you should be so proud. You have pulled yourself out of so much and you right as so bloody hard it is we trudge on as we can't live our lives in complete mourning and despair for our loved ones that have passed.

But I do also know it is very very hard to cope with the fact they are gone.

My hubby thought the world of my mum and her to him. Loved him. I'm sure she looks out for him now.
Dh also gets on amazing with my dad. My god dh has been great to my dad supportive and looking out for him and stil is.

Badvoc I agree there is no stages IMO. The stages just come ago! I still get bitterness and disbelief now!!

It has got a bit easier but there are some days it floors me and miss her loads! Some days I can't even think about losing her as it kills me inside again X

vladthedisorganised Thu 19-Sep-13 09:26:05

Hi ladies. Badvoc, ssd, it must be doubly hard having siblings who aren't supportive. I'm an only so don't have that problem, I guess - I know I'm on my own to look after Dad so anything's a bonus, but I remember the anger and bitterness between my mum and her siblings after my gran died - fortunately it didn't last and evaporated completely when DD was born, but it was as if everyone was taking their anger out on the others. It was hard to watch but harder to be in the middle of it I imagine.

I was watching the Changeling the other night (heaven knows why, it freaks me out though it's a very good film) and there's a lovely line in it where a lawyer says "I lost my daughter to polio when she was 9. Hardly a day goes by when I don't think 'You know, I wish I could tell her about that.' "

It summed it up brilliantly for me. Mum and I used to talk all the time and that's what gets me - not being able to pick up the phone and gossip (DH doesn't, Dad doesn't, DD is a bit young at the moment, and how-William-got-paint-on-Jackson's-shirt is not quite the sort of chat I used to have with Mum). Dad's starting to talk about missing her which is a huge thing - he said the other day "I don't mind the being by myself, honestly. People think that's the hard bit, but I really don't mind it. It's just when I'm reading the paper and I realise I can't read the ridiculous article out to her that it gets me." sad

And yet, do any of you find that sometimes the nice bits are more intense than they ever were? I watched a friend's band the other night and it was so lovely to see them all enjoying themselves on stage while a huge crowd was supporting them all the way (and seeing the bit at the front of the stage turn into a mini-dancefloor for their kids). I know I would have enjoyed it before, but I think I really appreciate it now. Can't explain much more than that.

I was quite proud yesterday: I had a meeting with someone at work who was showing me her scan pictures and telling me about her SIL whose due date is the same as mine would have been. Of course she had no idea, but I think I managed to say the right things without appearing upset: I smiled when she talked excitedly about how her mum was going to look after her little one and said all the right things about how cute the scan looked - and I meant it. Just because I lost mine doesn't mean everyone does, and it's nice for those that don't. Progress, I believe.

waterlego Thu 19-Sep-13 09:30:29

Oh ladies, I have been crying while reading the last two pages of posts. Thank you for the book recommendations that have been posted; a friend has also recommended 'All in the end is Harvest'. I will look at it but not yet; I think it's too soon for me. The Virginia Ironside one sounds really interesting but also maybe too bleak. Even before my parents became ill and dad died, I've often been troubled by dark thoughts and a general sense of loneliness and pessimism...maybe this book is too close to the bone.

ssd and badvoc I relate to so much of what you've both said in your recent posts. I am terrified that I am never really going to feel normal...happy...positive ever again. This year has been so horrendous and although I appear to have 'coped' with it thus far, I think I have gone into some sort of autopilot just to get through each day. I am fearful that it will all have a huge effect on my health; both physical and mental.

I look at people- even friends- and think 'you have no idea'. I don't want them to know what it feels like to suddenly see both of your parents become catastrophically ill. To turn up at A&E with a 5.5 stone mother with no hair and a father in a wheelchair who can no longer control his bladder. To spend months driving between hospitals and hospices. To make endless ph

waterlego Thu 19-Sep-13 09:33:57


...endless phone calls to health care professionals fighting for help. To hold your terribly ill, grieving mother while she wails like a child.

I think the crux of it is that it has forced me to become a proper adult; very suddenly. To be the one that others look to and say 'what should we do?' And I don't want the responsibility or the grief or the fear, but it is mine and that's the way it is.

Much love to you all today.

Badvoc Thu 19-Sep-13 10:54:04

Lego...your strength and humility are amazing. You have been through so much and continue to be there for your mother.
Vlad...sadly having siblings is not always the blessing some people think it is sad I love my siblings, but...we are very different people.
Well...I got dads plaque today. The headstone should be up by end of next month. Seems so weird still. To be talking about my dads headstone. It will never feel normal. Not ever again.
I have to find a new normal. I guess we all do x
News today is that ds2 (5 next weds) has just informed me that he would, after all, like a big party for all his friends.
Have just booked the church hall now need to do some invites...argh!
Help!!! smile

Badvoc Thu 19-Sep-13 10:54:26

Please think of my dear friend H who lost her father today x

Badvoc Thu 19-Sep-13 10:57:54

Lego...that's it.
I am the one people look to and ask.. "What should we do?"
And that terrifies me.
Who do I go to?

mummylin Thu 19-Sep-13 11:01:02

Everything sounds so sad and I can relate to all of you the thoughts and feelings that are present in your lives. For myself I ^know* I will carry the grief for my mum forever. I can never be the same person that I was. In a few weeks time it will be two years for me and it still feels like last week. Basically we are all now having to start a different life without a person that we loved dearly. I don't know how we do this. I am luckier than a lot of you in that I have a very close family, but even with that, all my siblings have moved on while I am stuck in this feeling of utter disbelief that our mum died like she did so unexpectedly. I really feel for all of you who have not had the support that you need and deserve and seem to of been left to " get on with it " there are still so many times that I want to tell my mum things that happen within the family, my first instinct is to think " oh I must tell mum" then the sickening realisation that I can't tell her hits home again.
But I also know that our mum would never have wanted it to be like this, she would of hated to know how sad her not being here would be, and because of this I do try and carry on as much as normal, I go out to shows etc, but underneath the over riding thought is " mum would like this"
As someone else said on our thread " the price for love is grief" I agree with this entirely and it's because we all had / have this great love that things are so difficult and heartbreaking now that we have lost them, but we are so lucky to of had such a great love that we shared with our parent that we have lost. Some people never have this love all their lives. Somehow we will all go on and eventually live a life where we will be happy again, but a piece of our hearts can never be repaired.
The whole experience has amazed me , how thoughtless others can be, how you are expected to be fine just a couple of weeks later. I have seen the human race in a different light BUT in saying that I have seen the good side of others too, the support from others on this thread far outdoes the bad reactions from a few ignorant people.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't talk it to outsiders anymore. I know they are not interested in the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
One thing I do though is always bring her into family conversations, I will not let her memory be forgotten, evert.
Thanks everyone for all the support I have had from you over the months. You are all fab and I don't know how I would of got to where I am now without you.

mummylin Thu 19-Sep-13 11:03:04

badvoc sympathies to your friend on losing her dad.

waterlego Thu 19-Sep-13 12:24:56

Badvoc, so many thoughts are with your poor friend. It must feel strange now to know that you will have your dad's headstone soon. We haven't got to that bit yet (although my dad won't have a headstone as such- just a wooden plaque) and I am dreading it really. Actually getting his ashes and having to bury them. Confronting the cold fact that he no longer exists in the form in which I knew him for 35 years. No face, no voice, no arms to hug me with. Just thoughts and memories and longing.

You are so right in what you say about the 'new normal'. A new, different phase of our lives. Or rather, two distinct phases: the one in which our parent was here, and the one in which they've gone.

My friend gave me a lovely children's book by Michael Rosen: 'Sad Book'. I haven't read it to my DCs yet but I have read it myself and found affinity with some of the words in it. It's different because Rosen lost his son, and I don't pretend for one minute that losing a parent is anything like losing a child. But nonetheless, some of the words resonated. Like this bit:

'Sometimes because I'm sad I do crazy things- like shouting in the shower...banging a spoon on the table...'

The illustrations are by Quentin Blake and the drawing of Rosen banging his spoon on the table made me laugh out loud but also feel his pain. I'm pretty sure I've banged spoons on tables in the past few weeks. I think grief can make you feel a bit insane, can't it?

mummylin I don't know quite how you do it but your posts always give me a sense of calm and hope. I think you must be a very special person. Like you with your mum, I know that my dad would be dismayed to see how sad I am at losing him. He would be very troubled by it. He would want me to just seize life with both hands and squeeze every drop of contentment and joy out of it, because that's how he lived his life. I have promised him I will try...but not just yet. It's as much as I can do to keep getting out of bed and facing the day- throwing myself keenly into life will come later, I hope.

'I know they are not interested in the worst thing that has ever happened to me'. mummylin, that made my heart hurt for you- but I know what you mean. Although I would say that we on this thread are interested- in you and your mum, and the relationship you had, and in your journey of grief.

I am going to a Cruse drop-in this evening. Sort of dreading it and wondering whether I'll be able to get any words out. If not, maybe I'll just take a spoon along to bang on the table wink

Badvoc Thu 19-Sep-13 13:11:03

I have that book's lovely. The picture of him trying to smile is heartbreaking.

we had a dinner lady who used to bang a metal spoon so hard on the table when she shouted. i always thought she was batshit crazy but maybe there was underlying reason!

I havent read any of the books spoke about but ive kept a few in my list for when i feel abit more able.

I cannot wait for macmillan coffee morning to be over, i have been asked to bake for a few and go to 2 and asked if i will host one by friend. i feel like a total cow saying this but i am not willing to support them they were absolutely awful with mum never returned her calls or sorted anything out and the local hospice ended up doing it all. i know this isnt the case for everyone and they really do help some people but i cannot bring myself to fundraise for them. Another thing that really annoys me is peoples assumption that i should do it because my mum had cancer, cancer is a very varied thing if i were to fundraise there are probably hundreds of different charities that i feel would be more appropriate and its really starting to fuck me off the whole " oh well with what happen i thought..."

perhaps i am still a little angry at the lack of support my mum got and that isnt other peoples fault but neither should i feel bullied into supporting something.

am missing mum a lot lately, it is drawing closer to her birthday, anniversary of her wedding and the day she died. i wish i could sleep through them all i really do. ds wants to buy a cake for nannas birthday, i will. if birthday to ds means cake then we shall look at our memory box, have cake and bollocks to anyone that doesnt agree! smile

how are you all? the last few pages have really hit home to me, you are all right nobody is interested after the initial shocks and im sorrys, i would of gone spare if i didnt have you all to talk to and to vent because honestly some of the things that make me rage lately would make most people think i was totally you can tell i am suffering from lack of sleep so am an irritable so and so :D

waterlego Thu 19-Sep-13 17:43:01

Lol @ the strange dinner lady supermario! Yes, maybe there was more to it!

I totally understand your reasons for not feeling able to support Macmillan, given your mum's experience with them. And no-one should try to make you feel bad about it. I've had a bit of a mixed experience of them with my parents but I almost feel I can't say certain things out loud as people generally say such good things about them. The ones I have met have been lovely, and very good at their jobs (and I had quite a crush on the male one based at the hospital where my dad was admitted, but that's by the by...) but we have had some issues overall with the availability of the community Mac nurses.

I love your plans for the cake and memory box. x

vlad, I somehow missed your post when I read the thread earlier. I think you're right to be proud of how you dealt with the discussion of your colleague's pregnancy. That was very benevolent and big-hearted and something not everyone would be capable of. I'm not sure I could if I were in your shoes. Bless your dad for what he said about the newspaper. That really resonates with me- it's the little things, isn't it? It happens to me all the time: 'I must tell dad...' I listen to Radio 4 a lot, and my dad listened to it for as long as I can remember. We often had conversations about things we heard on there, and it's hard now when there's something interesting on that I know he would have liked.

t875 Fri 20-Sep-13 08:36:19

Happy birthday mum! Miss you loads and days like today the void is huge. Hope your enjoying your birthday up there! Xxx thanks cake always with me mum and I know you will always be with us guiding and loving us. That very special angel xx

ssd Fri 20-Sep-13 09:51:42

happy birthday M!! and some of my cakexx (pm'ed you t875)

waterlego Fri 20-Sep-13 09:55:57

Thinking of you and your mum today t875 x

mummylin Fri 20-Sep-13 10:10:34

t875 I'm sure wherever your. Mum is she will be among the angels today, she will be having lots of angel guests and all our mums/ dads will be at her special day.she will be having heavenly presents and they will all be talking about us children.the same as parents on earth do. Hope the day is not too upsetting for you. Happy birthday mum of t875

t875 Fri 20-Sep-13 11:24:20

Ah thanks everyone. Lovely mummylin.

Yeah guess she will up there and hopefully enjoying her birthday.

Just that gut wrenching feeling of she's not here. I'm not buying a card and I'm not saying happy birthday to my mum she is gone. sad
And one of my friends said 'chin up' bloody chin up ( could have said something stronger) yeah chin up!! Step in my bloody shoes!!!!
I'm feeling bitter and crap I'm sure will feel better later. Starting to feel a bit better after ranting. Some days my spiritual belief gets pushed to one side when I want her here physically x

t875 Fri 20-Sep-13 11:28:58

And I'm sure she's loving your happy birthdays.

And I will make her a small card and I have brought her a candle Yankee candle - honey blossom and a lovely Red flower glass candle holder. So hard though giving it to thin air sad

Happy birthday ssd! I hope your birthday is as special as you are! You share it with my mum two special ladies [happy] xx

Badvoc Fri 20-Sep-13 11:37:47

Wishing your dear mum a very happy birthday t875 x

t875 Fri 20-Sep-13 11:41:44

Thanks badvoc. X
Good job I'm not at work doubt if be very pleasant today! But had a good rant and cry chatted to a few of my mates shouted gawd knows what I. Bitterness. Can't imagine what my neighbour thought! grin

t875 Fri 20-Sep-13 11:42:15

I. Should have been * in

waterlego Fri 20-Sep-13 12:38:10

Hugs for you t875

Happy birthday ssd! Hope you have a good day.

My mum has been to see a consultant this morning. He thinks she has 2-3 months left. No idea how to get though this next to go about facing the loss of both of my parents in the space of a few months...or indeed how I will get through the rest of my life. Feel like I want to disappear.

Badvoc Fri 20-Sep-13 15:16:56

Oh Lego.
I just don't know what to say...
I know that when they told me mum had had a heart attack just hours after dad died I felt like my life as I had always known it was over. Wham. Over.
I cannot imagine how you must be feeling.
Is your mum at home? Will she go into a hospice at some point?
I'm so sorry my darling x

Badvoc Fri 20-Sep-13 15:17:22

Happy birthday did I miss that!?

so sorry to hear this, it is awful to have a time scale, originally they gave mum 2 years from diagnosis and that was hard enough counting down wondering , we are always here to chat too.

happy birthday also, sure it must be a bittersweet day. xxx

ssd Fri 20-Sep-13 16:21:49

thanks everyone!

water, badvoc, supermario all the lovely ladies here I'm here for you all xxx

mummylin Fri 20-Sep-13 16:36:42

waterlego I feel very heavy hearted at your news. There is nothing we can say to make you feel any better but do know that we are here to support you at this very sad time. All I can say is to make as many lovely memories as you can Continue to have a laugh with your mum as much as possible , even though you may go away and cry afterwards.treasure every moment you can spend together, have photos taken. Whilst your mum is able to get about go to places that maybe special to your mum and yourself. Most of all please look after yourself, you will need your strength for the coming months.i am so sorry you are now facing this so soon after losing your dear dad. X

mummylin Fri 20-Sep-13 16:37:39

Oh just seen its your birthday ssd hope you have had a lovely day and happy birthday from me !

I want to do something really special for mums birthday I dont want it to pass by in tears. anyone got any ideas?

Badvoc Fri 20-Sep-13 17:01:03

SM...did your mum have a favourite place or activity she liked to do?
Perhaps you could go there/do that?

not really she didn't much do many hobbies, she likes lots of things but not anything we could do. ds is going back to school that daysad

mummylin Fri 20-Sep-13 17:14:38

How about naming a star after your mum * supermario* or buying some wild flower seeds or little bulbs and plant them somewhere your mum liked to be.or maybe adopt an animal for a year, donate a couple of pound to buy water. Or a bag of rice for a family in Africa, we have this done for us as a Xmas gift from one of our past students, we are always glad to receive gifts like that. Knowing its helping someone , can't think of anything else at the moment !

Badvoc Fri 20-Sep-13 17:51:09

Plant a Wild flower garden?
Sponsor a child in your mothers memory?
Water aid?

some good ideas will look at all of them.she loved meerkats but to sponsor one at local zoo is £55. out of my price range at the minute but one to consider for future!

t875 Fri 20-Sep-13 21:42:25

oh bless you waterlego, i honestly dont know what to say sad i would just have lots of video and special times talk special things together maybe tape the conversations, my god i would love to hear conversations of me and my mum days before. sending you huge hugs. So very very sorry. Ask your mum what her favourite flower is and maybe take a plant or buy her a little gift yo think she will like, or get a family photo done for her, or put together a scrap book of special times. i can imagine this is all so hard to hear just some ideas which i missed so much after losing my mum suddenly. xx

its been a massively Tough day but we still managed to have a cup cake for her and raised a glass!! Lit my Yankee candle which she would have loved as we both loved Yankee candles!! Honey Blossom! Spoke of funny times I'm sure it gave her and the others up there a good laugh! Happy birthday mum. We Love you! I mourned her this morning was very sad and full of deep grief along witht the bitterness but this afternoon i wanted to show her i was celebrating her for that wonderful lady who deserved us to remember her and not be sad. Im even going to watch QVC with her in a minute, well with her picture! x

waterlego Fri 20-Sep-13 22:56:57

Good for you t875, you are doing your mum proud. xxxx

Thanks all. It's been hard to take this news on top of the grief already here...but it wasn't too much of a shock really. It's what I expected but was just hard to hear it spelled out by a consultant.

My mum is a ridiculously cheerful, positive person. She understands that the time she has left is limited, but she is making lots of plans. She wants to go to France next month (she and dad have a beautiful house there) and my brother and I are going to do our best to get her there. I can't make her better; I can't bring her husband back. But I can help her achieve some of the things she wants to achieve in her final months.

I spent the afternoon with mum in her garden in the beautiful sunshine. My brother was there, with his pregnant wife and their little boy. It was idyllic and blissful and time stood still for a while there. These are the moments we will cherish and hold in our hearts.

Thank you all so, so much for your support. xxxxx

t875 Sat 21-Sep-13 09:51:15

I can't imagine what you are going through for a second waterlego. But that all sounds lovely for your mum and your family. What lovely memories you will have. Maybe your mum could get a gift for the children for then to treasure after. My mum gave me a bracelet a week before she passed and said I've got one so they are our friend ship bracelets. Which tbh was strange for her to say. But anyways I treasure that bracelet more than anything as it was pretty recent and also her smells of perfume and other things x

Thinking of you and thinking of you all xxx

mummylin Sat 21-Sep-13 13:31:47

Thinking of you all on this horrible dull day, especially you waterlegoglad yesterday has gone for you t875 sounds like you had a nice celebration for your mum. Love the candles idea

waterlego Sun 22-Sep-13 09:48:15

Good morning friends.

I'm wondering if any of you have experienced physical symptoms during your bereavement or at time of stress? Currently, I feel absolutely appalling every morning. Even if I've gone to bed early and slept soundly all night, I wake up feeling as though I've been at an all-night party...just feel permanently hungover. Can this be normal? Caused by stress/anxiety? I hate feeling this way. Dealing with emotional and psychological symptoms is one thing, I don't want to be feeling physically rough too. sad

mummylin Sun 22-Sep-13 09:57:58

Stress can have a massive effect on your body waterlego even though in your mind you feel you can /are coping. Your body can tell a different story. If it continues I would think maybe a trip to your doc to get something to help you through. I had a weird thing when my mum died , my legs wouldn't work properly. It was very strange and it lasted about 3 weeks. Sometimes we all need a bit of medical help to help us through.i don't think you should try to cope with this if its making you feel rough now. Thinking of you

waterlego Sun 22-Sep-13 10:08:05

Thank you mummylin. I am sure you're right about stress. My parents' illnesses have made me really paranoid about my health. I'm going to see the GP this week- for reassurance if nothing else!

ssd Sun 22-Sep-13 10:27:47

hi waterlego, sorry you're feeling so bad. I agree with mummylin, I'm sure its all the stress of just now. I've been at the doctors more this past year than any other, I think I'm looking for a solution to my feelings of loss and it shows in physical symptoms but I don't think the doc is the answer for me. I think its my brain that needs an overhaul!! I remember reading somewhere, bereavement isn't something we go through, its something that goes through you. And it takes as long as it takes. All we can do is try to look after ourselves and stay as strong as we can, even though we are broken inside where no one sees. I don't know what the answer is, but I think knowing we all feel for you, and badvoc and so many of us here, helps a little bit and stops us feeling so alone. Its awful to know others are feeling as bad as us, but in a way its a comfort to know how we feel must be normal as we all feel the same.

hugs for us all here xxx

mummylin Sun 22-Sep-13 13:04:16

It's very helpful to have this thread to be able to share things. And if we read through we basically all have the same / similar feelings and thoughts. I'd does help to know we aren't alone and it def helps to be able to say things knowing that others understand completely what we mean. Glad you are going to your doc waterlego. You are under immense strain at the moment and it can only help you. You need to be strong in the coming months, and if you are healthy it will help you to cope. I can't imagine the strain your mind and body will be going through, so yes doc def the way for you.

waterlego Sun 22-Sep-13 13:39:11

Thanks again; I really appreciate your thoughts. This place is such a huge support; I feel reassured that you lovely folks are here, and sharing so many of the feelings I have (though, as you say ssd, I'm sad that others have to be going through it too...I wouldn't wish it on anyone).

I will see the GP and won't be fobbed off. By that, I mean, I won't allow them to tell me it's just stress and send me away. I'm going to ask to have my thyroid checked and ask that they rule out any other possible physical causes. And then, if it really is 'just' stress and exhaustion, I will ask if there's anything they can do to help.

As you say mummylin, I am going to need some strength to face the next few months. More strength. This year has already forced me to raid every single nook and cranny of my being for little pockets of strength I didn't know I had. And now I'm going to need yet more.

Tell you what makes me proud though <confession time> I have an addictive personality, and have struggled with a couple of quite major addicti

waterlego Sun 22-Sep-13 13:40:33

...addictions in the past. The stress and trauma of this year has not (yet) made me go back to my old ways, and I'm really proud of that.

How are you folks doing? Hope this weekend is ok for everyone. x

Badvoc Sun 22-Sep-13 13:58:44

Well, I have had a manky throat for the past week.
Headaches every day.
I just...ache. All over. All the time.
So I think that grief and stress can have a major physical effect in the body.
All that cortisol and adrenaline rushing about our blood's no wonder we feel dreadful.

t875 Sun 22-Sep-13 17:05:33

Oh waterlego well done on your not old ways smile I can tell you what. I felt exactly the same I. The mornings. Some days when I felt like that I had to to literally drag myself out of bed and put on homes under the hammer or get on with something as I'd think. I know my mum was giving me a shove too!! I think grief does knock you for six though. And get being you depression some days I've had to fight to stay about the turbulent waters. X

waterlego Sun 22-Sep-13 17:35:56

Thank you so much all. It's reassuring to know that others have had real physical problems too (though I'm sorry to hear it). badvoc What you said re cortisol and adrenaline makes a lot of sense. This week, I am planning in a few sessions of time for myself. Partly this will involve exercise (which I love and which always helps my mental wellbeing), but also some times of doing bugger-all (the idea of half an hour watching mindless telly really appeals, t875, and is something I haven't done for a long time.) I will make myself do it, and will try my best to switch off the guilt which will no doubt go with it. Am also going to a Buddhist centre with my friend on Wednesday, for a meditation class followed by lunch. Lots of nice things to look forward to and help me recharge my batteries.

Hope this week brings some good days for you all. Thank you again, so much, for your kindness and support. x

Badvoc Sun 22-Sep-13 18:35:51

Hope you enjoy your day out Lego x

sorry I've not been around much ds is really trying me lately. he is just so gobby he has an answer for everything and I'm trying my bloody best nothing is good enough sad.

waterlego Sun 22-Sep-13 19:30:34

Oh supermario sad Just what you don't need. How old is your DS?

ssd Sun 22-Sep-13 19:30:48

that's kids for you supermario, sometimes we could scream at them, they would drive you insane. how old is ds?

badvoc, do you take multi vits? It sounds like you need a tonic (maybe put a gin in it grin)

am away to wrestle ds2 from the xbox to do his homework, wish me luck.....

glossyflower Sun 22-Sep-13 19:32:53

I have only just discovered this thread.
My dad passed away almost 5 months ago, I still feel like I haven't grieved enough. Like I feel really sad but I can't cry.
I cried a lot just before he passed away when he was poorly in hospital and a couple of weeks ago had a bad few days, but its like it isn't really real.
I was very close to my dad and miss him immensely.
Here is a letter I posted to my dad on another thread.
(To give you an idea of background).
On this other thread other posters said my letter inspired them to do the same to their passed on loved ones.
It may help some of us others too.


Dear dad,

As an only child, me you and mum were always very close. I remember all the things we did together; spending time on the allotment; going to the seaside to collect stones for your garden; BBQ's we'd have every year for mums birthday; going to see Manchester United play against Bayern Munich in Barcelona; our lovely summer holidays abroad (that time you didn't fancy the pool one afternoon, so I braved going alone only to come back with green hair because I didn't know there was something wrong with the water and the pool was closed); the time I was crying in hospital and asked you to come - you and mum dropped what you were doing and came right away; the time in Zante when we went on a big boat and you coaxed me to jump off into the water with you; the time you took me on a driving lesson and I kept kangarooing and stalling, until you got inpatient and made me get out then you stalled the car; the time you gave me away at my wedding, and on the way there we sat in the back of the car holding my hand so tightly; the time when I found out I was pregnant with your first grandchild and I phoned to tell you first; all the times we would hold competitions as to who could burp the loudest; the times when mum would work nights and I would sleep in your bed with you; the times when we would take my dogs for walks, and you chasing Ruby who ran to a young couple and jumped up at them with muddy paws; the times when I was little you would carry me up to bed; the time I graduated as a nurse and you had the video camera on me collecting my certificate - only you videoed the wrong person and by the time you realised I was coming off the stage; every sunday morning me you and mum would sit having breakfast in bed with you reading The Sun, mum reading a magazine and me reading a comic...I could go on and on!!

Dad, I know you have struggled over the past year, having your bone marrow transplant, and having nasty infections as a result of the chemotherapy. Your transplant was successful but for some reason it was as if you knew your time was coming. You would say things like, 'My aim is your wedding/baby/mum's 50th birthday'. I'd say 'dad, what are you saying that for? You are well again!'
I think since Christmas, you haven't really been yourself. You gradually shut down, couldn't eat, couldn't walk properly, got muddled - the doctors could only explain it by thinking you were depressed.
So everyday either mum or me would make you get up, try and make you eat, and make you go for a walk with us up to the cut and back - I would even time you to give encouragement to show how well you were doing.
But, you wasn't depressed. You caught a rare virus that affected your brain, unbeknown to us it was causing unspeakable irreversible damage.
On Easter sunday, you went into hospital. I was heavily pregnant and due to give birth in three weeks time.
One day you collapsed, and the doctors didn't know why. When you recovered, you then told mum and I that you were going. Mum asked 'where?' said 'heaven'. You said sorry to mum for having to leave her and told me to look after her.
At the time I just dismissed what you were saying as confusion, because you had been muddled up recently.

By the time I gave birth to your beautiful first grandchild, Jessica Rose Maria (Maria after your mum), you had deteriorated and was in a coma, ventilated in intensive care.
5 days after this, the doctors told us it was best to stop all your treatment.
By this point you was unrecognisable, your body was swollen with fluid, you had so many lines in your body so taking all that down made you look more like you again.
Not even a week old, Jessica would snuggle up in your arms, and you both lay there sleeping looking like two peas in a pod.
I held onto your hand and broke down, and I said to you through my tears that I loved you and it wasn't supposed to be like this. I felt guilty for crying in front of you, even though you were unconscious, because you would always say to me how you hate seeing me sad and to be happy.

Me and mum brought you home, and the day after you came home, we had Sky Sports on the tv, we had the doors and windows open as it was such a lovely sunny day, and you opened your eyes!
You couldn't speak, but mum, Jessica and me sat on your bed holding your hand and looking into your eyes that finally you WERE in there. After weeks of mum opening your eyelids to see where you were, and there was nothing, you finally opened your eyes and saw us!
Although you couldn't speak or move, you opened your eyes a few more times. One time, Jessica was crying and you opened your eyes and tried to turn your head to look. I told you it was the baby and asked if you wanted me to hold her up for you to see, you couldn't say yes but you nodded.
I held up Jessica, your lovely granddaughter, she was crying so loud but your eyes looked at her for the longest time.
I knew that you most definitely knew she had finally arrived, and that made me so happy.
At night, mum would push the sofa next to your bed and sleep by your side. I slept on the other sofa, and Jessica would sleep in her moses basket.
Every day, me and mum would wash you, dress you, I would change your tracheostomy dressing, and make you comfortable. The district nurses came, but we wanted to care for you ourselves, so they stopped coming as just asked us to call if we needed anything.
Your body got rid of all the extra fluid and you looked like my dad again, which was really nice to see.
We had friends and family come in and out all day to see you.

A week after having you home, one night, your breathing got noisy. Me and mum both laid down on the sofa next to you, me in the middle (like we did every sunday morning when I was little) and we knew that you were on your way.
After such a long battle, dad, you went to heaven on the 10th May 2013.
You were right (as you always are!), your aim was to see me get married and have a baby. You didn't make mum's birthday though, it's next week. I am arranging a big BBQ for her, and whilst making preparations, I found her last years birthday card from you.
In it said that you had the most wonderful loving and caring wife, to have a lovely day and that you would be thinking of mum.
That last part, a bit strange you would say you would be thinking of her, when you were actually with her on her birthday last year...I think you meant for this year when you knew you would not physically be here.
I am going to give it to her again on her 50th birthday next week.

Dad, me and mum are so lost without you, but I have had a wonderful 33 years with you, some people don't even get that - so I am so grateful that you are my dad.
Jessica won't remember you, and that makes me feel sad, but she will know you as I will make sure I tell her all about you and that you are with her.
Look after mum from heaven won't you? She misses you so much and I know she longs to be with you.

I love you so much.

Until we meet again, your ever loving daughter xxxx

ds is 6 going on sixteen and I'm totally at my limit sad . that letter is beautiful very moving.

waterlego Sun 22-Sep-13 20:10:09

Hello glossyflower and welcome to this sad but wonderful thread. Your letter is beautiful, thank you for sharing it. I hope to write one for my dad too, but it's too soon and my thoughts are too muddled. I did write him a short letter which went in his coffin with him.

supermario That sounds hard sad Is he generally quite hard work or do you think he might be reacting in some way to your sadness? I don't mean that to sound like you would be responsible for his behaviour...just that I know that my DCs have been more challenging at times lately, and some of that I'm sure, is because they have seen me in all sorts of states this year. Big hugs to you.

I don't know I am not outwardly sad, even when we are doing fun things that he loves to do he seems incapable of stopping messing/making silly noises and is really rude to me. think I am less able to handle it lately and need to stop arguing back

mummylin Sun 22-Sep-13 20:36:05

Hello glossyflower what a wonderful letter to your dad. Thankyou for sharing it with us. I have put up Xmas and birthday cards I have had sent to me previously from my lovely mum. I can't explain it, but it really makes me feel comforted doing that. Welcome to our thread.
waterlego massive respect for you not slipping back into previous addictions.
supermario sorry you are feeling so wretched at the moment. The trouble is when you aren't feeling up to things yourself, every .little thing can be annoying.i know that you have a lot on your plate and that won't help either. Hope things improve soon
Hi to everyone. Hope you are all ok thanks for you all

t875 Mon 23-Sep-13 00:29:37

Oh glossy flower brought tears to my eyes. What a lovely but sad letter. I bet your dad loved it. I also still wrote just random notes for my mum and also I made up a poem and read it on the day of the funeral god knows how I did but I bet she loved me doing it and the words in the poem as it brought in crafty things we did together and waft she did with her g children.
Take care and pop in anytime. T care. Xx
I think my girls get affected by me and grief. I've struggled on and off last 3 days. And they have been very p emotional.

Reward charts need to come into play as they r running rings round us! Answering back all the time and constantly wanting to loom at a screen - tv. Phone and laptop pcs. We have had to be strict and it's like super nanny might as well moved in! Lol.

What so u guys do about computers and answering back and my god the tantrums of the 9 year old when told 'no'

Hope your going along best you can today xx

vladthedisorganised Mon 23-Sep-13 08:47:29

Hi glossyflower. What a lovely letter. I hope you find that this thread gives you some of the support you need: I've found it immensely helpful to have people in the same situation to talk to. I've never managed to write a letter to Mum yet but I do find myself saying "Is this all right?" to her when I'm not sure of things.

Waterlego I really admire you for holding out, especially at this time. I had eating disorders in my teens and I know at times of stress I need to watch out for the triggers before it starts over again. It's incredibly hard and you must be such a strong person to manage it.

supermario you have my sympathy! I had the flu over the weekend (which I had put down as a bad cold but turned into full-blown flu where I couldn't move for two days) and DD had the mother of all tantrums about going to nursery today. She normally loves it but DH had to extract her from the house screaming blue murder today. I have told her that if she has a tantrum over my switching the TV off then she's to have no more TV in the mornings for a week (normally I use it to distract her while I brush her hair, but it's not worth it if she acts up).
It's all so draining though.

I find I put a hell of a lot of pressure on myself to be the perfect parent with a 1950s child - no TV, no plastic, Stepford smile and nicey-nicey voice all the time - and without Mum to balance it ('ha, yes, I tried that, lasted about a week before I plonked you in front of Sesame Street in despair, trying to justify it to myself by saying 'at least she's learning Spanish'..'). Usually when I'm having an awful time with DD is about the same time as someone pops up being the perfect parent to the perfect child ('DS just isn't interested in TV these days, he'd much rather be making rockets with Mummy out of yoghurt pots!').
One thing I cling to is that a good friend of mine who is the gentlest, nicest soul you can imagine was horrendous as a preschooler. You'd never know to look at him now.

t875 Mon 23-Sep-13 11:50:13

Hello vlad. Made me smile reading your post about Sesame Street and learning Spanish and educational don't forget :-)
My children are driving me mad with screens! Don't mind the gadgets but I can't get then to do anything else. They have an hour computer time for games - eldest sims and the youngest mine craft. It's after their h work in the week a bit more at weekend but really having to work hard on them doing other things with them. They are going from one screen to the other and the constant answering back! Ugh! Reward chart me thinks! Lol xx

mummylin Tue 24-Sep-13 20:23:28

Hello everyone. Hope you are all doing ok. badvoc how is your mum doing and how are you ?
marshy hope you are also coping ok, have you heards any apdates from the hospital regarding dates for your op or anything ?
t875 here's hoping your ,ids have calmed down a bit now. They are so hard to cope with sometimes aren't they. Especially when your not in the best of places yourself
* waterlego* how are things going with your mum ?
supermario here's hoping that your kids are also being a bit kinder to you as well.
To all of you, I send you all these thanks and hope it cheers you a bit amongst all the sadness. Especially for those of us who are having to cope with the almost unbearable sadness.
I think of you all ssd , biscuits thinking of you both too

Badvoc Tue 24-Sep-13 20:39:20

Hi Lin.
I don't know how I am.
Mum is grieving deeply which is hard to witness.
It's my youngest sons 5th birthday tomorrow. What should be a joyful day is tinged with unbearable sadness for me.
My aunt went back to the hospital today. It's not good news...possible lung, stomach and breast cancer.
It feels so unrelenting ATM.
Thanks for thinking of me Lin x

t875 Tue 24-Sep-13 21:24:42

Badvoc omg your poor thing. It is extremely hard to move forward for the kids birthdays my youngest was June so pretty close to losing my mum. I tried hard to keep it as ' normal' as I could. I brought her a little gift from my mum but it was definately tinged with sadness. We also had a teddy cat she got from my dad and we called it nanny cat and she could hug it whenever she wanted and I also was there to give 'nanny hugs' but my word what you are going through with your other relative is devastating to hear. Hope your son has a good birthday best it can go Hun.

Lots of hugs to you!! X

Mummylin - yes we have got a happy medium with the screens thank god! Back to the reward chart when they do something that doesn't involve a screen they get a star and eldest after 10 stars gets £3 and youngest a comic smile it can get easy to focas on the negative with them so weve had a good chat and turned a page smile
How are you??

Not bad here hanging in there, quite hard at the moment. more wrenching to look at pics of her though. And talking about her. Hate the fact she won't see eldest turn 13! She will see I know but not physically. :-( x

Hope everyone is going along best you can x

mummylin Tue 24-Sep-13 23:29:09

Hello t875 iam fine but just beginning to get the flutters of nerves in my stomach knowing that next month is looming. I don't know if you recall but I have my mums and my sisters anniversaries both within 4 days, which is such a sad time. But I have now done it before and I will get through it again.
badvoc your poor poor aunt. I feel so sorry for her, what a lot she has to go through now. It is very sad for your mum, but your mum and dad were married for so long it's like losing half of herself. It must be an awful feeling. Plus being ill herself dosent do much to help her. Then there is you. I don't know how you are supposed to cope with everything that you have had to for the last 3 months. But in spite of it all you are still getting through each day, with difficulty sometimes I'm sure , but you are doing it, so I think you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Love to you all

Badvoc Wed 25-Sep-13 06:50:14

It's my sons birthday today.
The first family celebration without dad.
Not sure how I feel really....tired mostly.
It's my friends dads funeral tomorrow and I am going to support her.
Thanks for your kind words T and Lin flowers
I honestly don't know how I am coping...badly I suspect.
October will be a very hard month for you Lin sad me eldest nephews b day and then mine.
Dads tree is planted! It's lovely and the plaque looks very smart.
Love to all x

vladthedisorganised Wed 25-Sep-13 09:14:01

Oh badvoc, poor you, you've got so much on your plate at the moment. You're overdue some niceness I think. I hope your son's birthday goes OK and that nobody gets him another animatronic dinosaur, at least!

mummylin thinking of you - two anniversaries close together must be so hard. I remember how relieved we all were that Mum made it to see her and Dad's wedding anniversary at the beginning of the year - it was terrible but we all feared the mixed emotions if she died on that day.

BiscuitsandBaileys Wed 25-Sep-13 11:21:55

Hello everyone.

badvoc wishing you strength for today. Glad your dads tree and plaque are up and looking good, I find it nice to have somewhere to go. We have a plaque for mum and dad in the rose garden at the crematorium and it's so peaceful there with just the birds to listen to.

mummylin sending you lot of <hugs> for the next few weeks, and for you too waterlego xx

Love to all the other ladies including t875 and ssd xx

Badvoc Wed 25-Sep-13 11:39:32

Vlad...he has had an iPad from us and Dhs family (I know....5 years old, it's ridiculous) and octonauts stuff from my family. He took in balloons for his school friends today smile (better than sweets I think) and his teacher had gotten her guitar out ready to sing happy birthday to him smile
I hope he has a fun day. I feel so sad today, hope it doesn't show.

mummylin Wed 25-Sep-13 19:35:46

badvoc hope you have manged to get through your ds,s birthday ok. Bet he was thrilled with his iPad. I'm sure your dad was looking down and sending him angel greetings.
biscuits lovely to see you, I hope you are going along ok.

t875 Wed 25-Sep-13 19:52:47

Mummylin - we will be there right by your side for the next few weeks. Maybe get a picture or an ornament to signify both of them. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. (( hugs))

Badvoc - hope today is going the best it can. Happy birthday DS!! Happy birthday to him cake we still got the spiritual comfort at my daughters party little random things/ signs happening. I took comfort but was still very very hard. X

Hi to everyone else - biscuits will b pm ing you :-)
Ssd waterlego, vlad, Mario sister and anyone else I might have missed. Love to all. Hope your all going along not too bad xx

t875 Wed 25-Sep-13 19:53:29

Sorry mummylin. I meant to remember them not signify I get my words muddled sometimes x

Badvoc Wed 25-Sep-13 20:01:38

Well, party over. Think ds had a nice time. We had party poppers and a caterpillar cake. It was just family today....big party on Sunday.
Mum very quiet sad
I wish I knew how to help her.
Keep thinking back to last playing with the grandkids and eating lots of pudding smile I miss him so much.
It's my bd ay first week of October and last year was my 40th and they threw me a surprise b day party. This year seems hollow and meaningless tbh. Mil asked me what I was doing. How do you make "nothing" sound good?

ssd Wed 25-Sep-13 20:37:50

you don't badvoc, but if it suits you just do nothing, do what suits you

happy birthday to your little ds xx

Badvoc Wed 25-Sep-13 21:04:08

Thank you. He is very tired. Conked out next to me in bed! smile
Mil wants us to go up for a meal on or near my b day.
I just don't want to.
I don't want to celebrate at all - which dad would hate btw. He loved birthdays and Xmas. He was a big kid really.
If it could pass with me in bed all day that would be great, frankly.

waterlego Wed 25-Sep-13 21:19:08

Awww Badvoc I've already told my DH that I may want to spend Xmas on my own in bed this year; he said that was fine if that's how it goes. Don't think mum will be here by then and it's just going to feel horrid.

Sounds like you gave your DS a really lovely birthday. It was my DD's b-day today too and she had a lovely day.

((*mummylin*)) Lots of hard days c

waterlego Wed 25-Sep-13 21:19:52

...coming up for you. We will help you through as best we can.

waterlego Wed 25-Sep-13 21:32:53

Have switched to iPad now (was posting from iPhone and keep hitting 'post' before I've finished!)

Badvoc I hope your friend's dad's funeral goes as well as could be hoped. I'm sure she will be very glad of your support.

Hello vlad, t875, ssd, supermario, biscuitsandbaileys and anyone else I've forgotten. Hugs for all.

Marshy Are you still around? Hope you're ok. xxx

We have a date for the interment of dad's ashes- 17th Oct- and the kids' Headteacher has kindly said they can have the afternoon off. They didn't come to the funeral, for various reasons, so they are going to come to this instead and I'm hopeful that it will be a good way for them to say goodbye, and to gain some deeper understanding of the fact that Grandad has gone.

I have organised a new carer for mum. The ones she has currently are not very good but I get a good feeling about this new one. She seemed to have more initiative, and a better understanding of palliative care. She seemed keen to help mum have a good quality of life; rather than just ticking through a list of 'jobs'.

I went to a meditation class today. I find meditation frustrating because I seem to spend it in one of two states- either desperately trying not to be distracted by external thoughts, or falling asleep! Nonetheless, I felt quite a lot more relaxed afterwards so I'm sure it did me some good to have that time out.

I have also been having some sessions with a personal trainer to kick start my fitness after a long break from exercise over the summer. He is lovely but very young- barely more than a schoolboy- and it's crazy to think I am paying him for the privilege of being shouted at and given all this pain! I know it's a cliche but the absolute agony every morning confirms that I have muscles I never knew I had! All good for my mental well-being though smile

Lots of love to you all.

Badvoc Wed 25-Sep-13 21:45:31

Happy birthday to your dd Lego smile
You have so much going in ATM, I am amazed you can manage to meditate! I think I would either get really cross with myself if I couldn't relax OR relax too much and conk out blush
Glad your Dds can be at your dads interment. What a hard day that will be for you.
I am dreading tomorrow a bit really. The last funeral I went to was dads. But I want to be there for my friend.
Bad news about my aunt today...looks like cancer. They are contacting the Macmillan nurses which I think can't be good?
It's just so unrelenting ATM.
I am so, so tired. Am very impressed at your training Lego! I wish I had that level of self discipline.
Love,to all x

mummylin Wed 25-Sep-13 21:58:08

I am very upset. My mums sister just phoned me to tell me my mums bungalow is up for sale. I looked on the Internet and they have all the pics from inside and the garden. They have cut down my mums beautiful bottle brush plant ! And my mums carpet is still in the lounge. Up for 35.000 more than what they bought it for less than two years ago !

sad oh mummylinn its so hard isn't it I can totally understand why you looked though. I know i feel the same when I see people in our childhood house

waterlego Wed 25-Sep-13 22:09:41

That's exactly it re the meditation badvoc! I'm either scolding myself for not being able to switch off (all sorts of random things were flying about my head) or I'm just dozing off! But I felt peaceful afterwards so I'll probably keep at it.

Hard day for you tomorrow. Take care of yourself and maybe plan a very restful evening/early night if kind to yourself. x

waterlego Wed 25-Sep-13 22:11:31

Oh mummylin sad I just can't imagine that...must be so very hard. I remember feeling so strange when my grandparents' house was sold after their deaths...can't imagine how I'll feel when it's my parents' place.

mummylin Wed 25-Sep-13 22:16:31

I have not been up my mums road since she died. But I shouldn't of looked at the pictures the new people have put up. Thank god I dug up most of mums there ants cause they would probably have gone too. Saw the bloody water butt that the new owners kicked up about, for those of you don't know the new people got in touch with their solicitor and demanded I return the water butt ! I of course dug my heels in and wouldn't because my mum had bought it ( I am very stubborn) this in spite of the fact we took a reduced price on the bungalow to start with. Even our solicitor was shocked and phoned to apologise. But my brother went and bought them a new one !

mummylin Wed 25-Sep-13 22:17:03

Was upsetting to see my mums carpet still there.

mummylin Wed 25-Sep-13 22:17:37

There ants = plants !!!

t875 Wed 25-Sep-13 22:32:44

Waterlego - happy birthday to you dd! Hood she had a lovely day! cake

Mummylin ((())) hard so very hard. I'm dreading that day big time. I think I'd take so much of the house. Piece of wallpaper brick bucket of dirt from the garden. How sad they pulled down the bush. Hey maybe you can plant that bush in your garden? Keep it going?
Thinking of you x

mummylin Thu 26-Sep-13 00:25:04

It's not our house now, hasn't been since mum died, we sold it to the people who are now selling it again. By the pictures they have dug the bush out. It was so beautiful when it came out but didnt take it because it was so big, wish I had now.

Badvoc Thu 26-Sep-13 07:37:40

Oh Lin.
How upsetting for you.
I am in a quandary ATM wrt mum and the parents were/are council tenants. In fact my GM moved into the house when it was built and my father was born in the front bedroom!
Mum is now in a position to buy it and is asking my advice. It's in a. Very nice location (backs onto miles of fields) but I don't know what to advise her.
Dad was always against buying, but then again never had the kind of money mum has now. She would also get a pretty hefty discount due to all their years of tenancy.
It's tricky.
I want her to do it for the right reason. Not because she wants to leave us an inheritance. So many pros and cons.
I think she will apply to have it valued....I think she could get it for £30k!
BUT it needs a new roof and she wants the gardens landscaping.

vladthedisorganised Thu 26-Sep-13 09:35:23

Whew, badvoc, that's tricky.. but you could look at it as your mum being able to stay in the house she's been in for years and years rather than moving on? How much would it cost to get the roof done?
As far as Macmillan are concerned, I think they will call them if there is to be any treatment - so it's not necessarily bad. Macmillan were very good in our case and were able to talk me factually through the treatment my mum was going to have, what the side effects might be and so on. I had visions of her staying in hospital for weeks to have chemo so was quite surprised that she'd be in and out in a day.

mummylin that must have been hard. I got to thinking about how I would feel if my Dad moved and it was a really weird feeling. I remember clearing out my gran's flat: once we'd moved her things it stopped feeling like 'hers' so it was a lot easier to deal with. Once we'd painted the walls white it looked like just another property, but it's so much worse when you don't do that yourself. As for the water butt..??? Some people are weird, aren't they?

I'm getting superstitious about the plants in Dad's garden - Mum planted three roses, one which she and Dad had received for their anniversary, one with DD's name and one with mine. The anniversary rose is still going strong, the one with DD's name is flowering vigorously and the one with mine is shrivelling up - story of my life!

Well done on the personal training, waterlego. I've started circuit training and I love it - I don't have time to think when I'm lifting weights! Had to pull out of Saturday's sponsored run because of my chest infection which was upsetting - I was ready to do it in Mum's memory and for a wee boy I know who has also been diagnosed with cancer - fortunately his prognosis is a lot better than hers was as they've caught it early, but still upsetting for the family. I just don't think it's practical to be running this week when I cough for several minutes after climbing the stairs, so maybe it wasn't meant to be. Sigh. <Cough>.

Hi to t875, supermario glossyflower and everyone else xx

mummylin Thu 26-Sep-13 12:48:32

badvoc I know some people frown on council houses being sold, but thanks to that scheme we were able to buy our own home. Without it I doubt if we could of afforded it. I would say to your mum to " go for it " its her home and has been for a long time. We have no mortgage now as it finished a couple of years ago. Best thing we ever did .

Badvoc Thu 26-Sep-13 13:40:56

Lin...I so want to give her good advice. She is worried about repair costs etc but that's just home ownership for you I'm afraid and obv we would get a full survey done.
Mum wouldn't need a mortgage so that's not an issue.
I have told her that I think dad would want her to use the money to make her happy and bring her contentment, and if buying the house would do that then so be it.
Just got back from my friends dads funeral. was hard to be there.
I feel so sad today sad

mummylin Thu 26-Sep-13 14:06:26

Oh dear, not a nice day for you or your friends family. I have been to other funerals . But as yet I haven't had to go back to the same place we had mums. That is what I am dreading.
I would get a few quotes to see how much it would cost to have the roof done etc. would your mum feel happier knowing its hers ? The thing is she could keep,on paying rent But that of course is just going back to the council. I'm sure that over the years your parents have paid for the house in rent already ! If she did buy the house would she have enough to live on, is there anything else major that needs doing to it ?
Difficult decision for her , I know what I would do though, someone else can probably come up with different things to think about regarding this. I'm only speaking for myself.

Badvoc Thu 26-Sep-13 14:17:32

She has a fair amount in the bank due to dads death in service payment sad
And of course it's earning her nothing in interest.
I have sent off the request for valuation today so we will's not a quick process (as you know) so we will wait and see what they say.
She says she doesn't want to move and she has been a tenant since 1968!!

mummylin Thu 26-Sep-13 14:23:50

Oh crikey. That's long time.. See how it all pans out and how much she would have to fork out for all the maintenance work, then she will have a better idea of what everything would cost her. One good thing is that she wouldn't have to move while the processes are all being dealt with.
Maybe thinking about her situation regarding the house will help her as it will give her something else to think of for a while.
Life is never simple is it ?

Badvoc Thu 26-Sep-13 16:53:13

No, it certainly osnt sad

ssd Thu 26-Sep-13 17:03:10

I'm sorry about your mums house mummylin, I know how much it means to you. Its just awful seeing the house you grew up in changed and the garden all dug up. Its overwhelming. I think everything that happened with my mums house and her ashes after she died really caused me something like post traumatic stress disorder. I know that sounds extreme, I dont know how else to explain it. But everything was done to suit others, not me and I cant believe how cruel it was to leave it all to me and leave me like they did. I wouldn't do that to anyone. Everything, the scattering the ashes, the clearing the house within a 2 week period, the dealing with it all alone, its really affected me. But its gone now.

hugs to us all xxx

Badvoc Thu 26-Sep-13 17:18:02

Ssd...I can relate to that.
It's all been on my shoulders.
And it's been so awful and upsetting.
I am exhausted with it all.
I have a night off tonight as a friend of mine is going to see mum tonight.

ssd Thu 26-Sep-13 21:26:01

I know badvoc, I can tell its all coming down to you. Its just so very hard, isn't it. Try to enjoy your night off, have a bath and a glass of wine.xx

Badvoc Fri 27-Sep-13 07:25:19

Ds2 seems to have got tonsilitis.

t875 Fri 27-Sep-13 09:24:40

Oh fgs badvoc that sucks! Hope he's better soon!! I will be asking and praying for things to turn right round for you bless ya. Big hugs xx

Mummylin - thinking of you. Hope your going along ok. How are them beans getting along? We should re name you mummy bean! grin

Gotta share with you guys. We had get this 3 ROBINS in our garden a few days back I did ask for a sign to let me know she was around and loved all we did for her birthday so I guess that could have been it :-)

My job is another 5 weeks but I loved being in recruitment and because the other temp is full time she's stayed there I've been given 2 days a week on a different department. I'm very sad about this. But oh we'll guess I have to take what I can. I just want to stay somewhere now! Sucks! I'm sure it's just round the corner.

Hope everyone is going along not too bad. Will be back to catch up later. Hi to all xx

ssd Fri 27-Sep-13 11:05:19

t875..I've been seeing robins all year, I never noticed them in the summer before but I've seen loads, I seen 2 yesterday smile

badvoc, hugs hugs and more hugs for you xxxx

Badvoc Fri 27-Sep-13 11:28:49

Yeah, it is tonsilitis so 10 days of penicillin sad
Dh out til midnight but ds1 going to pils.
I have never been so tired in my life.

ssd Fri 27-Sep-13 12:21:32

my ds2 has just finished a week of penicillin

great isnt it sad

try to get to bed early

sorry to see the dcs have been ill. i am a horrible cow today i just cant be bothered. been to town with dp he was getting his mums birthday presents wish i had stayed at home just made me feel wretched that i wont ever buy my mum a present again. been a right bitch today

Badvoc Fri 27-Sep-13 13:49:51

SM...I'm so sorry. You aren't a bitch. You are grieving.
It was my fils b day earlier this month. I just couldn't buy a Card with dad on. I just couldn't.
Sorry your dc have been ill too ssd. It's so grim. I have so much to do in the house and I have spent the day playing connect 4 and topple sad
He hasn't stopped eating yet today so, fingers x

mummylin Sat 28-Sep-13 00:13:56

Your not a bitch supermario, it's understandable how you are feeling. You are hurting cause your mum isn't here for you to be buying presents for. I can quite understand that feeling. I am so envious of people who have their mum, and it upsets me when I see how many people run their mum down to the ground, they don't know how lucky they are.
Hi to everyone, hope you all have as good a weekend as is possible.

snoozysleeper Sat 28-Sep-13 00:30:20

I have just seen this thread in 'active conversations' and wanted to join?

My mum was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of the year and has since passed away. My sister died from cancer less than 12 months ago too.

It still doesn't feel real to me, as if they are still there...sometimes I pick up the phone to call them and remember they're not there anymore..

I found out recently that I'm pregnant and I'm delighted but still feel strange about it... I can't describe how I feel other than worried

I'm also worried about Christmas coming up and wondered if anyone had been through this period and had coping strategies they could suggest?

Thinking of everyone flowers

mummylin Sat 28-Sep-13 01:02:00

Hello snoozy you have had a lot on your plate for the last year. Hopefully you will find some comfort here. I too have lost a sister so I can relate to that and of course all of us here have lost a mum/ dad. We all have different circumstances on here but are all drawn together through grief. I hope we can help you. Congratulations on your pregnancy. What is worrying you about that ? Not having your mum here ?
As for Christmas well as its your first. You will probably find it quite tough if I'm honest, the same as any of the firsts, birthday. Mother's Day etc. the thing that he.ped me when it was the first Xmas without my mum , I found an old card that she had sent me previously and put it up along with the others. That helped a little bit. But it was still a very sad time as mum had only died 8 weeks before.
Sorry you have had to join our thread, but you are very welcome. When the others come on they may have something that helped them get through Xmas that they can pass on to you.

Badvoc Sat 28-Sep-13 08:17:26

I Am sorry for your losses snoozy.
Many congrats in your pg! You must have very conflicting emotions ATM.
As Lin says, we are here to talk to, shout at, vent, whatever....
I lost my dad 9 weeks ago today.
Wet Xmas...I have no idea how I will get through it. But with the help of the lovely ladies on here I know I will.

waterlego Sat 28-Sep-13 08:48:17

Welcome snoozysleeper. I am so sorry to hear that you have lost your mum and sister. What a terribly sad year for you. I have been wondering about Xmas too, and feeling very apprehensive. My dad died 7.5 weeks ago, and my mum is very poorly and entering the latter stages of her illness (cancer).

Hello all, sorry I haven't been on much, busy week. Hope everyone is getting on ok.

t875 Sat 28-Sep-13 09:38:48

Hi snoozy sleeper.

I am very sorry to hear if your losses my god how hard for you all. Congrats on your pregnancy though as badvoc says I'm sure a conflict of emotions.

We were 6 months in before Christmas but its still very hard. If I was on my own I think it would have been different but because of the kids I pushed through. We each brought a tree decoration for my mum and put it on the tree, and also a bauball to put on my dads and a little gift for her shelf. I got a special largish Christmas candle. But for me I pushed forward as I know she would have been sad if we hadn't enjoyed Christmas but was also extremely hard too and missed her loads. Were here anytime for you to talk too and vent. Xx

Mummylin thinking of you x

Badvoc - hope the antibiotics works ASAP! X
Hi to everyone and sending love and hugs if needed xx

snoozysleeper Sat 28-Sep-13 15:24:18

Hi everyone

Thankyou so much for your kind messages! I'm so glad I've found this thread now and truly sorry to hear of all your losses... I am here to support you all too!

mummylin it's not having mum there to help, and constantly thinking that it won't work out- that I would have a miscarriage. I know this is entirely irrational though. Sometimes I think that I got pregnant too soon after and worry how I'll cope but I'm sure this will help pull me through. I am sorry to hear about your mum and sister and thank you for your kind welcome too and your Christmas idea too !! Much appreciated.

badvoc I am sorry to hear the loss of your dad and thank you for your kind wishes, Christmas was so 'big' in family, I'm dreading it really!

waterlego I am so sorry for the loss of your dad and that your mum is in the latter stages of cancer. I know how difficult the latter stages are and hope you get the support you need from here and in RL too.

t875 so sorry to hear the loss of your mum and I think the Christmas idea of yours is beautiful too so thank you!

Thinking of you all!

mum died six weeks before Christmas, ill be honest if we didn't have the kids I probably wouldn't of bothered with half the stuff I did. but you get through, I cried when I opened last presents off her that we found, I cried when we went to grandparents and there was she was missing, but I got through thinking of how bloody much she lived for Christmas and would of raged at me if I was a misery. it is hard but you will get through in a mixture of smiles, tears and disbelief. it won't be all bad x

snoozysleeper Sat 28-Sep-13 22:58:30

Ahh Thankyou supermario it's good to hear you handled it positively. I'm sorry for the loss of your mum

t875 Sun 29-Sep-13 15:49:50

Mummylin I don't know days etc but I am thinking of you and hoping you are going along ok.

Hi to everyone else. Good your all going best you can. Xx

FriendofDorothy Sun 29-Sep-13 17:09:27

I have been directed to this thread after my Mum died very suddenly on Wednesday whilst on holiday in Greece with my Dad.

She was just 63 and I don't know what I am going to do without her sad

mummylin Sun 29-Sep-13 17:27:03

friendofdorothy first of all I send you my condolences. What a terrible shock for you. I know how you are feeling, complete and utter disbelief and shock along with the most terrible heartache. My mums death was also very sudden and have the added heartache that she was in a strange country and you weren't with her. Any help we can give you , you will be more than welcome. I am just off out so I will write to you again later.

waterlego Sun 29-Sep-13 17:51:43

FriendofDorothy I'm so very sorry to read that- what an awful, unbelievable shock. You must be reeling. Is your dad still in Greece? I really feel for him. Am holding your hand from afar; grief is hideous but we get through it because we have no choice. We are with you. x

snoozysleeper Sun 29-Sep-13 19:32:41

Ah friendofdorothy I'm so sorry to hear your news! We are here to support's such a shock for you, I hope your dad is in the uk/ on way home flowers

ssd Sun 29-Sep-13 20:11:53

snoozysleeper and friendofdorothy, I'm so sorry to read both of your sad news, its really awful for both of you and I hope you both feel some comfort from this thread, it really is a lifeline when all around you feels like another planet.

well girls I can officially say I've had an utterly shit weekend. Its a bank holiday weekend where I live and both the dc's and dh have been off. I cant describe it but dh has been awful, gloomy and moody. Its as if he doesn't know what to do with himself if he's not at work. Its awful. We had a babysitter for last night. Now for us this is a one off, we haven't been out together for a whole year (that's not a typo!!). We have no family around to help and don't earn enough to pay for sitters, but we had one for last night. I was so excited and looking forward to getting out! To cut a long story short, I got the shopping in then came home yesterday to a dh in a bad mood, gloomy, moaning at everything, really unbearable, moaning at ds1. It put me in a total downer,, there was nothing in for supper so he went out and bought a load of ingredients for himself, then cooked it and said oh are you hungry. I thought we might have been going out for a cheap dinner....I just didn't want to go but the sitter arrived so out we went. I couldn't bear him by this stage, I just walked around I didn't want to sit anywhere with him. It was an awful night. It was the worst night out of my life. And I waited a year for it and probably wont get another one for another year. And do you know what made it worse, I had no one to ask to come out with me instead, I'd have happily left him and went out with a pal. And of course with no mum I had no other house to go to. I cant speak to him, I just don't want him here just now. And I've nowhere to go to get away from him.

Its all just shite just now, have spent the weekend crying, its all just shite.

mummylin Sun 29-Sep-13 20:30:37

Oh dear ssd I agree with you , you have had a shite weekend. What is it with some of these bloody dh,s . Some of them can't see further than their nose. I can imagine your upset after waiting so long to be able to go out . Was your dh just going to cook for himself ? After the awful year you have had this is just what you didnt need. What is your dh like for having a decent conversation with ? Is he the type you can sit him down and explain how hurt you were last night and how awful you have felt for the last year ? Don't bottle things up, just try and tell him how he has made you feel. You know we are always here to listen xx

ssd Sun 29-Sep-13 20:34:27

thanks mummylin, we did talk about it a bit but tbh he hasn't a clue how I feel, hes not an emotional person and now I'm not talking to him he'll just wait until I start to talk again, he'll just ignore it until then. I cant bear to look at him just now.

ssd Sun 29-Sep-13 20:35:50

and to be honest I think if I talked about how awful I've felt the last year I'd breakdown. I haven't talked to anyone, that's why I need cruse to call me, the only place I spill my guts is here.

mummylin Sun 29-Sep-13 20:41:07

friendofdorothy you will find the next few weeks a complete mixture of sorrow,but even now you will have a little smile at something you and your mum have done together. I myself felt a real physical pain when I lost my mum. My heart literally hurt . After nearly two years that has now gone , but not the deep grief at losing mum. I found the first few weeks went by in a haze , I went about and di what I had to do as I was one of the executors, but if you asked me now what I had to do , I can't remember half of it or what order it was in. Nothing else in my life mattered as much as my utter sadness. You may find that some of your friends or relations ignore how you are grieving and expect you to be * normal* in a couple of weeks. This is of course impossible. You will learn who your true friends are at this time.i hope you and your dad will be a great support for each other. We on this thread are here anytime you want for whatever reason .
t875 it's not until the end of the month . It's 30th oct for mum and 2nd November for my sister. I have been to crem today and put fresh flowers, I was amazed that the busy puzzles are still blooming well. By the time I had done the flowers I have to say it looked very pretty. Ps had lots of beans !

mummylin Sun 29-Sep-13 20:43:55

I'm sorry that you can't talk to him ssd but I do understand. I'm annoyed with my dh today as well, but not to the same extent that you are. But does he actually realise how sad you have been, does he know how you have felt , having to clear the house all,by yourself, no input from your siblings ? You know we are all here for each other x

FriendofDorothy Sun 29-Sep-13 20:45:41

My sister flew out to Greece on Thursday, we live in Guernsey so she had to fly to the UK first.

It has been quite hard in some ways as we have a bit family so with my Dad and sister away I have become the focus for everything going on. I appreciate it but it is a little overwhelming too.

We have no idea yet how long it is going to take for Mum's body to be repatriated. The not knowing is awful

ssd Sun 29-Sep-13 20:48:56

he knows mummylin but it all passes him by

mummylin Sun 29-Sep-13 20:53:19

Yes I am sure it is overwhelming for you. I hope you don't have to wait too long before you get your mum back. When is your dad intending to fly home, he will be glad to have your sister with him. He must be in a state of shock as well. Had your mum been ill at all ? You must take care of yourself or you will end up ill yourself. Do you have a dh or partner to help you through this ? Feel free to vent or ask anything at anytime.
Ps Your user name made me smile because I do have a friend called dorothy !

mummylin Sun 29-Sep-13 20:56:26

I wish we all lived nearer ssd then I would give you a big hug and dry your tears for you.anytime you want to pm feel free x

waterlego Sun 29-Sep-13 21:00:08

Oh ssd, I'm shocked at how your DH has been behaving. Why on earth did he not offer to cook for you when he was cooking for himself? I just can't understand that at all. So sad for you that a much-needed night out wasn't what it could have been. Maybe your DH needs to hear how awful you've been feeling. If you breakdown it will be painful but maybe you need that release. I really hope you get some contact from Cruse. Did you contact them via your GP or directly?

FriendofDorothy It must be awful to have to wait for your mum's body; I'm so sorry you have to go through that, and I imagine it must be very hard being so far away from your dad when I'm sure you just want to give him a huge hug sad
It's good that you have a big family but being the focus of everyone's attentions must be wearing. I found that loads of people said 'If there's anything we can do, you know where we are'. It's really well-meant, and genuine I'm sure, but I have often found it impossible to actually make use of that in any tangible way. What has been much more useful has been the people who say: 'Would you like me to pick up your kids from school today/do some shopping for you/cook you dinner one night?' etc.
ie a real, practical offer of help.

Well done for your green-fingered efforts mummylin, sounds like you had it looking really pretty smile

waterlego Sun 29-Sep-13 21:07:14

News from me is that my mum is not doing so well at the moment. She is not able to eat at all at the moment, and is sleeping a lot. We are going to speak to the Macmillan nurse again tomorrow and it sounds like they're going to offer her a short stay in the hospice. That will be good because they can give her some good vitamins intravenously and build her up a bit...but as my brother said, there is the very real fear that once she goes into the hospice, she may never come out again.

I hated leaving her this evening, it seemed so very wrong to be leaving her alone so frail and vulnerable. But I can't stay over there tonight because I have to get the kids to school in the morning (OH leaves early for work) and mum's house is too far away from our town for me to be able to do the school run from there. It would all be ok if Dad was still here. He looked after her so well. I miss him so, so much. sad

mummylin Sun 29-Sep-13 21:08:15

Hi waterlego how are you doing and how is your mum ?

mummylin Sun 29-Sep-13 21:10:23

Oh we crossed posts. Sorry to hear that your mum isn't doing so well, but as you say maybe they can build her up a bit and make her more comfortable. Lets hope so. Is the hospice local to you ?

waterlego Sun 29-Sep-13 21:35:13

Thanks mummylin. The hospice is nearer where mum lives- about 45 min drive from here. It's the same place where Dad was in his final few weeks, and where he died. Perhaps that's partly why I feel a bit weird about her going there. But you're right- we have to try to be positive and hope that this will be the right thing for her. The hospice is a lovely place, with such a peaceful and cheerful atmosphere, and the staff are just fantastic so I know they'll do their best to make her comfortable. Once she's feeling a bit more stable, she could hopefully go home, as long as we've got enough care in place for her. Maybe Marie Curie nurses will be the next step...but I'm looking too far ahead again! One day at a time smile

Today, mum gave my DD a beautiful sewing basket for her birthday. Mum is very artistic and very good at embroidery and making collages. I have totally missed the artistic gene, but DD has inherited it. She was delighted with the sewing things and she and her 'Mor Mor' (which has always been her name for her Grandma) sat together and did some cross stitch. It was lovely to see.

mummylin Sun 29-Sep-13 21:41:34

Yes I expect the hospice is giving you thoughts of your dad. Understandable I think as it's so recent. Yes I too think a hospice is full of lovely warmth and strangely happiness too . My friends son was in a hospice so I have the seen the work they do first hand. As you said, take one day at a time and look after yourself

waterlego Sun 29-Sep-13 21:50:49

Thank you mummylin, you're a very special person. thanks

FriendofDorothy Sun 29-Sep-13 22:30:56

She hadn't been ill at all which is the real shock. She died of a heat attack and pulmonary oedema. Apparently Dad tried to give her CPR for about 20 minutes. My Dad and sister are home tomorrow.

My lovely husband has been an amazing support, and having a nine month old son is an amazing distraction. I am just devastated that Mum isn't here to see his first birthday sad

mummylin Sun 29-Sep-13 23:02:05

You must take some comfort that your mum did get to meet her little grandson. I am sure the last nine months have been very very happy ones for her because of him. I am glad that your dad and sister are home tomorrow, it will be better for your dad to be in his familiar surroundings and know that his family are close. This will be a trying time for you all , but together you can get through it, I am glad your dh is supportive and that you have your little boy to help with the healing process.
waterlego thankyou but I'm not always nice as my dh will testify !!

ssd Mon 30-Sep-13 08:21:49

I second everything that mummylin said above!

waterlego, you're going through so much just now, I can only give you advise I find I never take - look after yourself as well as you can, you are holding it all together and that's so hard. But what a lovely thing to see, your mum and your dd doing cross stitch together. That's what its all about, isn't it. Do you have a video recorder to record this? It would be invaluable later. Thanks for asking about cruse, I phoned them directly myself. My gp just gave me a leaflet about bereavement and looked at me a bit oddly when I asked. I never followed the leaflet up, it was too general. I'm a bit worried about cruse, they told me it could be a 3 month wait to hear from then, after 2 months I called them and asked if it would be anytime soon, but they took ages to find my details and sounded very vague...they said they found them eventually and I'd just have to wait until I heard from them, but the 3 months are nearly up now...they are almost impossible to get hold off, they seem to be closed or go straight to answerphone straight away, I know its voluntary so I cant complain, I also know they must be so many people out there more desperate than me so I'll just need to be patient. I think the area they cover is huge....maybe in another area I'd be seen more quickly, I don't know. I think they do sound excellent, t875 has seen them and they really helped her and her dad, if you want to contact them just Google cruse and click on your area to get the phone number. But be persistent, I've phoned them loads and they never return calls, you have to be lucky and catch them in!

friendofdorothy, sending you strength to deal with the days ahead, just hug your little baby close to you, my dad died when ds1 was 7 months and he kept us going, mainly because babies give you no choice!

hugs and thoughts to t875, badvoc, snoozy, supermario, vlad, biscuits, everyone here and of course our honorary mummy mummylin xxx

ssd Mon 30-Sep-13 08:24:50

sorry, missed marshy out there, I know you're busy marshy dealing with hard hard stuff but we're still here anytime you need a chat/rant/cry xxx

Badvoc Mon 30-Sep-13 10:08:12 dh and I gave my dad CPR until the paramedics arrived. He also died of a heart attack. He was sat on the bed talking to my mum about the pillows sad It's just devastating. I'm so sorry for you all. glad your family are home tomorrow x
Lego...sounds like the hospice would be a good Idea for your mum you say she will get 1-1 care and IV fluids.
Am thinking of you all xxxx

mummylin Mon 30-Sep-13 14:09:53

friendofdorothy I hope that your dad and sister are either now home or en route. That in itself will give you a bit of comfort. Hope you are bearing up as well as you can.
snoozy hope you too are coping ok.*
waterlego do you have a day for your mum going to the hospice ? It should actually give you a bit of peace of mind as you know your mum will be well cared for and give your little break
ssd hope things have Improved for you today and that things are better for you at home. I hope hour apt for cruse will soon com through , you have gone through enough and need something to help you
t875 hope you too are doing ok. When I went to crem yesterday , I went to put the flowers in the pots and on the end of the bunch was a white feather !
supermario hope the children are behaving better for you, sometimes they must get too much to cope with, especially when you are feeling down yourself.
marshy have you had your apt through for your surgery yet ?
For everyone a little something to give you a bit of cheer thanks

mummylin Mon 30-Sep-13 14:12:09

badvoc how is your mum doing and also your aunty. What a stressful time you have had. Has your mum made any decisions on The house yet.? Does the whole roof need doing or just parts of it ?

hey mummylinn kids are behaving better yep I am trying to take a step back from running about all day when they are at school back and to with my nan doing things as I was finding myself raging over small things today I have just got work done on the laptop and stayed home has been nice to not be running errands or sitting at someone else's house. am struggling a bit now with so much coming up this weekend I found myself thinking today was the last day my mum ever went outside as she went into hospital for a scan and didn't end up coming home sad.was an unexpected thought that really upset me. how are you doing now this is a tough time for you. thinking of all who post and chipping in whenever I can think of anything useful to saysmile

mummylin Mon 30-Sep-13 14:42:19

Very sad for you to have those thoughts about your mum today. I think we all have those thoughts about being the sat f everything and I can understand why it upsets you, glad you are having an ok day . I have dh home today beating up the bathroom. Oh my god it's awful mess . New bath being de.ivered this afternoon at some time. We have half the plaster off the wall where it fell off when he knocked old tiles off. I am the worlds worst when it comes to having things done like that !

go out preferably to somewhere that sells coffee and cakegrin did he get his way with the square toilet?

mummylin Mon 30-Sep-13 14:49:19

We haven't ordered the toilet or the sink yet. Although we need to cause old ones coming out tomorrow ! I'm still undecided really. I am out tomorrow luckily ooh bath just coming !! They are outside

mummylin Mon 30-Sep-13 15:10:01

It's now armed on our driveway. Why dh didn't move his car is beyond me. Now he will have to bring t in himself ! As I was saying am out in morning tomorrow and going to a show tomorrow evening so I won't have to put up with banging or anything thank god. Haven't seen the bath yet as its all covered up.
Ok now it's indoors and looks fine, very odd shape, I haven't seen one like that before now parked in the conservatory , along with the screen and panels, we now have a huge wooden palett which dh will have to beat up as we can't get the car out, my dd can burn it on her outside pit burner !

mummylin Mon 30-Sep-13 15:10:26

Armed = parked

Badvoc Mon 30-Sep-13 15:37:38

She is ok Lin.
I think.
No decision on the house but she has applied to get it valued. It's quite a long process by the look of it.
I have caught whatever Lurgy ds2 has...bluergh.
Dh is away this week too.
Moan, moan,

mummylin Mon 30-Sep-13 16:57:45

Hope you soon feel,better badvoc I guess you have got the sore throat ?

waterlego Mon 30-Sep-13 17:08:01

Sorry to hear about the lurgy Badvoc. Hope you feel better soon. thanks

mummylin, that all sounds very exciting! Square toilet- what have I missed?! What show are you going to see tomorrow?

Nothing doing re the hospice. Mum is feeling better again today so I think she told the Macmillan nurse she didn't need to go in. I totally understand why, but it just means more days of worry for us.

I am currently reading 'The Red Tent', and the bit I read last night contained a quote which really 'spoke' to me. Hope you ladies like it too:

'The painful things seemed like the knots on a beautiful necklace, necessary for keeping the beads in place'.

Badvoc Mon 30-Sep-13 18:30:44

What a lovely quote Lego x
Ugh...I have razor blade throat, temp And cough. I feel really rough sad
I should eat something really...

Badvoc Mon 30-Sep-13 18:43:04

Ooohhh.i missed the new bathroom post!
How exciting.
When it's done, that is! Til then it's a nightmare isn't it!?
Earlier this year (feb half term) part of our conservatory roof fell in! Took ages to get it sorted...and it needed up being replaced (with much more expensive glass) in a snowstorm!
That was fun hmm
My dad paid for it, bless him. Took ds1 to see his grave and tree today. He watered dads tree. So touching to see.
Hope you are all ok. You are all constantly in my thoughts x

mummylin Mon 30-Sep-13 21:21:52

badvoc and waterlego yes am having a new bathroom! We have the bath delivered today and dh wants a square toilet and sink with vanity unit. I don't mind the sink but am undecided about the loo. My whole upstairs is an utter disaster area, tonight I had to have a bath in a bathroom. With only half the plaster on. Lights hanging down, no tiles , a right bloody mess actually. Old sink and loo coming out tomorrow and new bath going in. I get really fed up when things are so messy even though I know, you can't do it without mess !
That s sweet badvoc about your ds watering the tree. Hope you will soon feel better.
Am at my brothers at the. Lament watching speedway. We have been out for a pub meal at the end of his road.

I have a sore throat too, and feel achy and grim. hoping it will go away too busy this week to fuss with being ill. i think you are on to a winner going out for the day mummylinn i also hate when workmen are in and the place is manic so escape if at all possible. my grandparents live right across from the house that we used to live in me my mum and my sister/brother from when i was born till when i was nineteen. when i went there before there was a man shouting and swearing at his kids on the drive and i just thought hey thats my house get out! couldnt help it

Badvoc Mon 30-Sep-13 21:25:55

My fil and dh love speedway!
They used to go a lot until the local track was closed down.
Keep repeating..."it will be worth it in the end..."

mummylin Mon 30-Sep-13 22:03:25

It's the semi final badvoc our local team have just taken the lead by one point. Two more races to go ! Our team is Poole pirates. You can tell your dh

mummylin Mon 30-Sep-13 22:21:04

I don't Have outside workmen in * supermario* my dh is doing it himself, which in a way is worse cause he can make so much mess !
It horrible to see other people in "your" house.hope you soon feel better!
badvoc tell your dh Poole pirates have beaten Swindon to get in the final . Finalscore Poole 97 Swindon 90 !

dp is the same, I spent hours changing the living room round for him to come in looking for something and make a mess then asked where id moved his important paperwork, where was this important paper he needed. on the floor in the toy corner ....

Badvoc Tue 01-Oct-13 07:31:39

Oh! I doubt his dad has recorded it for him if it was on sky.
Dhs team was long eaton invaders.

mummylin Tue 01-Oct-13 09:38:27

Yes was on sky. That's why we were at my brothers , we don't have sky although dh has a prog on his comp where he watches all sportfree when he wants.

vladthedisorganised Tue 01-Oct-13 16:19:14

Hi everyone!
FriendofDorothy, snoozy, I'm so sorry for both of you. Hope you find support, and a place to rant/chat/muse here.

Snoozy I found I was pregnant shortly after my mum died; it was a real mixture of emotions. On the one hand I knew I could hear her giggling when I discovered the result, on the other I didn't know if I could cope with another loss if I miscarried. In my case I did lose the baby at a late stage: it was really hard but somehow knowing Mum would be looking after the baby was comforting somehow. I know if I do manage to have a healthy baby they'll have a guardian angel somewhere.

Have been absent for a while as I think I had what badvoc and supermario have.. it seems to have been doing the rounds at the local schools. The kids all seem to get away with having a slightly sore throat and that being it; the parents feel terrible and are confined to bed for days on end. Hope you're both feeling a bit better today?

Badvoc your last post made me smile - I took DD to Mum's grave a while ago and she insisted on wearing her fairy costume: I was too tired to argue in the end and left her prancing about while I put in some flowers. As we left an elderly woman came up to us and told me how nice it was to see DD - almost a reminder that there are nice, happy things around too. Dad and I chose Mum's headstone at the weekend - as ever we ended up in fits of giggles looking at the ones she would really have hated and went for a nice one.

waterlego what did you think of 'The Red Tent'? I really enjoyed it.

mummylin you might like this grin

Badvoc Tue 01-Oct-13 19:55:40

Oh, vlad...mum, my sister and I chose dads headstone and we had a laugh about it too.
My sister is a well known shopaholic.
At one point whilst looking at the brochure I turned to my sister and said "this is the least fun shopping I have ever done" and we all cracked up.
You do find humour in the strangest situations.
We saw one that was a bit OTT and cost well over £5k and I managed to convince dh it was what I would want....he looked a bit panic stricken when he saw the price smile
I still feel really rough sad
Both boys should be back at school tomorrow though so intend to spend the day on the sofa!
Dh away though so afternoon/evening will be hard.

Hi guys, still here but got a bit of a sore throat and general achyness about me. how are you all? we didnt get to really chose mums headstone it is in a new area which is called a woodland resting place so the stones are really quite small and just say name surname and years of born-death its quite depressing i would of loved one that said everything she was to us. though i could imagine that being a bloody big stone. we are not allowed to leave ornmanets or windmills or other trinkets which upsets me so i have a planter at home where all my things go that i see and think of her.

Badvoc Tue 01-Oct-13 20:07:31

SM...I have been gargling with soluble co codamol and that does seem to help.
I am coughing up gunk now to which is delightful.
I am worried about my was my nephews b day tea tonight and she burst to tears in her kitchen sad
She has asked for a contact for bereavement counselling that I have.
She is off to the gp tomorrow for ADs I think.
I might get the dc to make a pottery something for dads grave...what do you think? We have a paint a pit place in the village I could use....

t875 Tue 01-Oct-13 20:17:05

Hi everyone.

Mummylin. Hope its going well with the new bathroom. Is it all done? What show is it your going too?
Thinking if you. Hope your going along ok.

Hope everyone gets better soon who is ill.
Thinking of you all and hug to you all if needed. X
So sorry just jumping in quickly so busy getting ready for eldests party Saturday for her school mates.
And family party Tuesday.
Hi ssd, badvoc, biscuits, snoozy, marshy, Dorothy and anyone I've missed. Thinking of you all x

t875 Tue 01-Oct-13 20:20:30

Badvoc sounds like you need abutibiotics. I've heard that green gunk is infection. See how you go with it.
The pottery idea sounds nice. I'm sure your dad will love it too.

Your poor sister I cried in the kitchen on my mums birthday a few weeks back. Just hits ya doesn't it.
Hope you feel better soon xx

Badvoc Tue 01-Oct-13 20:26:43

Hi T smile
Hope he party goes seems to be party season ATM!
I'm worried it's an infection too but I am allergic to penicillin and others like metronidazole so I really avoid taking ABs unless I have no choice...the ones I have to take (like cefalexin) have really nasty side effects sad
It's my b day next Tuesday. The first without my lovely dad. I honestly don't know how I will get through the day....

mummylin Tue 01-Oct-13 23:11:43

Hi all. Not long back. It was the " billy fury story" which if you don't know 60,s music you may not of heard of him.
t785 no plaster. No tiles. Half floor up. No bath., no sink , no loo apart from that its all done grin

On a serious note hope all the ill people are feeling better, it seems to be going around to lots of people thinking of you all , off to put pj,s on and read the newspaper

t875 Wed 02-Oct-13 00:33:35

Wow coincidence badvoc you and my daughter are the same birthday!! smile

I am the same with allergic to penicillin my mum was very allergic so they assumed I was too. I always have coproflaxin which always works great for me. Although I'm he'll bent on trying absolutely everything first grin

Hope you get a good nights sleep! We ordered her banner ( she's 13) and the shopping order tonight.
Just gotta Hoover etc.
I really still miss my mum but it has got a tiny but easier that dark cloud that's hung around and st times pulled me down ( well still does on and off ) but I don't know what's wrong me the lack of tolerance I've got is crazy! I'm bitter and my god I have seen so many who I thought were special friends I have seen these in a different light.

Mummylin I'd get that whip out tomorrow!! grin glad you enjoyed the show!! smile

t875 Wed 02-Oct-13 00:37:17

So hard badvoc without them there for birthdays. Even this year has been although I was 40! He would want you too Hun I think that's what pushed me through getting through mine. My mum would kick my arse big time. But then my god it's very sad. Do something your dad would love U to do. Or maybe a light a candle on the day.
We will be here for you x

Badvoc Wed 02-Oct-13 07:48:06

Thank you x

snoozysleeper Wed 02-Oct-13 09:43:02

Morning everyone!

Sorry haven't posted in past couple of days, have a terrible cold and it's not shown signs of getting better yet confused

I'm still thinking of you all

And badvoc I second t875 's advice flowers

snoozysleeper Wed 02-Oct-13 09:46:10

vlad I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage! Thank you for sharing your story though and I think you're right your mum will be looking after your little one flowers

mummylin Wed 02-Oct-13 22:35:41

Hello everyone, hope you are all coping ok. What a miserable day it's been here, nothing but rain , rain and mre rain !
t875 my sister has found her house here, so should be moving back hopefully before Xmas !

grin I'm glad your sister is coming back mummylinn. we are all okay my aunt is really annoying me but she has done for years so don't think that will change soonangry other than that everyone is good ds has started asking what we will do for nannas birthday which I haven't decided yet and that he wants to leave white flowers there at christmasgrin mum would like that. I am also going to break the rules and peg one of his new school pictures to the tree for mum even though it will probably get me a telling off

Badvoc Thu 03-Oct-13 07:30:17

Lin...that's great news. So pleased for you x
SM...rules are made to be broken, surely? smile
My siblings have both gone to the gp and got ADs. Mum and I don't want to - yet. My sister has also phoned the counselling service.
Dh back today...hurrah! smile

ssd Thu 03-Oct-13 09:23:37

hi girls, so sorry to read there' s lots of you feeling unwell, there's so many viruses going round here too, my kids had it but luckily I'm ok. I try to remember to take a multi vit, I think it does help as I don't have the best diet, I hate cooking and avoid veg blush....hopefully you'll all start to feel a bit better soon.

well me and dh are talking again, he apologised and that's that. I know I'm a bit well, emotional with him just now. Since mum died I feel I've lost my family and all I have is dh and the kids, so when I fall out with dh I feel I've lost everything and it panics me and it gets blown out of all proportion for me. I know I'm doing this but I cant help it. Without dh and the kids I've got no one, no siblings/aunts or uncles/etc etc, so I pin too much on him. I cant help it but I recognise what I'm doing. Hopefully as time goes on I'll stop feeling so alone but without knitting a blood family for myself I don't see how things will ever change, I know I need to try to change myself.

badvoc, the pottery for your dads grave sounds lovely, that's a great idea. and supermario, I'd put something there and see what you can get away with. my mums ashes were scattered somewhere lovely but so far I'm the only one to visit there, mind you nothing new there. anyway enough of that! mummylin I hope you get your bathroom sorted, you'll probably take so much mess then start yelling!!

and a big happy birthday to everyone big and small with a birthday coming up xx

waterlego Thu 03-Oct-13 14:07:35

Hello everyone, just trying to catch up with all your news.

Sorry to hear there's so much illness about at the moment sad Hope all the poorly folk (*snoozy*, supermario, Badvoc, vlad...and anyone else) are feeling better soon. thanks

supermario My dad's resting place is also a natural burial ground and all the plaques are wooden and a regulation size. There are also rules about what can be left on the plots- nothing that isn't biodegradable basically. We can plant flowers on the plot but they have to be native to the UK. For dad's plaque, mum has chosen a quote which comes from the last line of a Pam Ayres poem called 'Woodland Burial'. The line is: 'I'll be tall and standing strongly in the beauty of the sun'.

vlad Lovely to imagine your DD in her fairy costume at the graveyard. I can imagine the sight of her lifted people's spirits. I loved 'The Red Tent', so moving. Though I did have to keep flipping back to the family tree at the beginning...Biblical familial relationships were so complicated confused

Badvoc I laughed out loud at your comment about shopping for headstones. smile We found it similarly surreal browsing the coffin brochure at the funeral directors. Mum was looking at one brochure and my brother and I had the other. Every so often there'd be a murmured 'Ooooh, this one's beautiful, page 7'. Hahahah! I think my Dad would really have laughed at that.

I can understand how you feel about your birthday. In the 8 weeks since we lost dad, we have had his birthday, mine, and my DD's. The bit I have found the hardest was receiving a birthday card signed from 'Mum'. Just mum. Not the Mum and Dad that have been there for 36 years. Do you have plans for your birthday?

t875 Badvoc is all about the birthday coincidences- she shares hers with your DD, and her DS and my DD also share a birthday smile
I'm with you on the lack of tolerance and sometimes feelings of bitterness too.

mummylin So glad you enjoyed the show smile How's the bathroom looking now?

ssd Glad you and OH are ok now, and that he apologised. I think it's no surprise that bereavement can greatly affect our other relationships. I hope you can be kind to yourself and not expect too much from yourself. I'm sure your relationship will adjust in its own time, as long as your OH is patient with you.

Hope everyone is doing ok today. x

waterlego Thu 03-Oct-13 14:11:20

t875 comment to you looks a bit weird! 2nd line reads as though it is connected to Badvoc's birthday coincidences, but I was responding to what you had said about your tolerance levels. I have been feeling bitter about a few things; some of which I just can't even admit to because they're horrible. I am trying to tell myself that it's not how
I really feel, it's just my grief.

nice to hear from you : ) i do like the woodland aspect as in we can plant our own things as long as they are woodland but it frustrates me that ds wants to leave things that matter to him and he cant. hm not doing to badly at the minute but keeping really busy. my aunt has not contacted by nan and grandad since the end of august, am so annoyed with her. but then i didnt expect anything else as neither has my uncle.

Badvoc Thu 03-Oct-13 15:59:26's is surreal isn't it? smile
Like when the funeral director asked us about what dad would wear...I asked what the norm was (being clueless) and he said a suit.
I said we can't put dad in a suit...he hated them! So then he said well we can do a satin gown and my sister laughed so much she had to leave the room! smile
The idea of my dad in a satin gown like a choirboy!
Such a good job we can still smile isn't it? X
I have no plans for my b day yet. It feels wrong to make any somehow iyswim?

Badvoc Thu 03-Oct-13 16:00:14 brother has been rather conspicuous by his absence from mums so I can understand your hurt and anger.
It's odd...even when people behave exactly as they always have, it still hurts x

have come to the conclusion that some people are just selfish twunts who will only show up when there is a crisis or they are gaining something. doesnt make it piss me off any less though. often want to say on facebook o btw your mum and dad are fine not that you ever ask you selfish bag. i restrain myself as it would upset my grandad

ssd Thu 03-Oct-13 17:04:30

I get the bitterness too well.....could go on with stories that would make anyone normal gasp...but like t875 I'm much more resentful and bitter towards certain people now....and I hate it, wish it would just go away and I could forget they exist.

talking about birthday coincidences, I share a birthday with t875's beloved mum and my mum and her mum share a name!

mummylin Thu 03-Oct-13 17:23:27

And * badvoc* wrote something this week that was actually my father in laws name and is my surname !
I have to agree with everyone about people not being as helpful or sympathetic as we thought they may of been. I have had a lot of support from my siblings. But why do none of them ever take flowers to my mum and sister apart from birthdays or anniversaries. Why don't they go and check to see if they need new flowers put there. I don't mind doing it but do feel that we should all go, at least every now and again . No- one ever says here's some flowers for mum can you take them over, just nothing at all ! And as some of you know I don't talk to my neighbour at all now since he completely ignored my mums death after he has known her for so long and she knitted for his dd when he was left on his own and had no money to buy anything.
I understand how everyone feels. Human beings can be a very odd bunch.
waterlego bath moved into place today but not quite ready to use . DH is up there now as there was a small leak ! Will take another couple of weeks I reckon to be completely finished.

ssd Thu 03-Oct-13 17:29:48

they can be very odd, you're right mummylin, on my mums first anniversary I heard nothing from my siblings, they obviously can you forget the day your mum dies????!!!!

Badvoc Thu 03-Oct-13 18:09:31 brother has not been to dads grave yet.
He also did not come to the interment of dads ashes.
I honestly think it's part of the reason he is struggling so much now with sleep etc...all these things are a normal part of grieving and are important to experience. Not pleasant, but necessary.
What a lot of coincidences! smile
Am so glad I have you all to talk to. Perhaps another reason my siblings are struggling...they dont have you! smile

mummylin Thu 03-Oct-13 20:51:01

It's all very strange badvoc I don't understand it at all . I haven't said anything to my siblings apart from my sister who dosent live here. But even when she comes back home she dosent go either ! One of my brothers bought a beautiful vase which says mum on it. I never use it in case he goes up to put flowers and I use all the vases, hence it stays empty ! Which seems stupid to me really. I always do the two vases that are built in on mums and the built in one on my sisters too. I like to go as I promised my mum I would always see to my sisters, no- one ever went there either apart from me and mum. Actually my sister now has more flowers than ever because when I do mums I do hers too and I go regularly every other week and will continue to do that . So I will just carry on with what I have been doing.

Badvoc Thu 03-Oct-13 20:57:35

I don't understand it either Lin.
My aunt lives a 1 minute walk from the cemetery. She has never been to her husbands memorial plaque. In 18 years. His mum used to go every day until she went into a home.
I guess some people just don't feel the need?....either me, my sister or mum go every day to dads ATM. It's very close to where she fact you can see it from her back bedroom windows! It's About a 4 min walk.
My nephew has chosen some new flowers and we have got a new plant...the rain has damaged the old one.
Headstone should be up by end of the month.

mummylin Thu 03-Oct-13 21:10:55

Yu will feel more settled when the headstone is done. Until we had mums up it felt unfinished, but we had to wait six months for the ground to settle because she is in a burial plot , even though she was cremated. It jst takes half an hour to drive to crem. Replace flowers , wipe stone over and get back home , surely they could manage that even if once a month . I don't know. I give up trying to work people out. Even my own family ! Apart from this we are all very close luckily and I don't want to spoil our relationships by getting angry at them.

ssd Thu 03-Oct-13 22:07:33

I think I'll spend the rest of my life trying to work my family out x

Badvoc Fri 04-Oct-13 07:33:13

Ha! Me too ssd!

crazykat Fri 04-Oct-13 12:10:03

Hi all it's been a while since I posted, I've been trying to get my final assignment finished for my course and then I couldn't find the new thread. Hope everyone's managing okay or as well as you can.

My mum has had another scan to see how things stand and she gets the results today. We're hoping for the best and that the cancer hasn't advanced much but it's very hard to stay positive. I keep changing from wanting to know and just wanting to carry on not knowing, she's well outlived expectations, DS2 was only 4 weeks old when the doctor gave her 2-3 months and he'll be 1yo in 10 days.

I don't know how I'll go on when she's gone, I thought I'd got used to the idea of not having long with her or at least not thinking about it constantly but this new scan has brought it all back. I just don't want to think about it coz than maybe it won't be real. Unfortunately life doesn't work like that else nothing bad would ever happen.

snoozysleeper Fri 04-Oct-13 13:37:01

Ah handholding crazycat when you feel up to it, let us know how the scan goes

We're yet to choose a headstone for mum (she has a burial site) which I'm not looking forward to, remembering how it was for my sister ..

I think some family don't visit the cemetery because they find it too difficult emotionally? I know I was guilty of this early on for my sisters grave, I just couldn't cope with visiting and spent time circling the cemetery but not getting to the grave side. I think I was scared and how it felt so strangely final. I go now with the rest of my remaining family but I still find it so hard and am yet to go alone sad

Badvoc Fri 04-Oct-13 13:56:15

It is hard snoozy, no doubt about that.
Did you feel better after you had been to your sisters? Or did you get no closure at all? I hate that word - closure - but I can't think of a better one!
So sorry Kat x

snoozysleeper Fri 04-Oct-13 14:01:23

Badvoc I almost 'like' confused (wrong word?) going to the cemetery now as I find it peaceful so I suppose that's 'closure'? I still find the thought of going alone overwhelming though, I hope to be able to do this in time..

Badvoc Fri 04-Oct-13 14:07:27

I know what you mean.
I find when I go on my own I tend to "let" myself get upset' where's when I go with family I tend to be the strong one iyswim?

snoozysleeper Fri 04-Oct-13 15:50:07

That's exactly it badvoc I'm able to be so much stronger when other people are with me ..

Badvoc Fri 04-Oct-13 17:01:02

I find I only cry if I am alone.
If I am with others I don't...or maybe I don't feel like I can...who knows?
My aunt - the mad one who upset me so much before dads funeral - is coming up tonight from London with her son.
She is going back tomorrow, thank god, but I will have to go and see her tonight.
Dreading it sad

snoozysleeper Fri 04-Oct-13 19:31:04

Maybe it's a bit of both badvoc

It's understandable you're dreading seeing your aunt, here's hoping things go ok for you this evening flowers let us know if you need any support at all !

FriendofDorothy Fri 04-Oct-13 23:37:51

I am finding it really hard today. I can't stop crying hmm

mummylin Fri 04-Oct-13 23:55:21

Hello * friendofdorothy* it is a very sad and difficult time fr you. You have had a terrible shock only days ago, it's quite normal how you are feeling. You will have lots of days like this but you will notice that the times between crying bouts gets further apart the more that time passes. Eventually you will have whole days without tears. Then even a week or two. But for now you just need to get through each have to give yourself time to grieve.
I hope that you get RL support ans that you and your sister can support each other. How is your dad ?

mummylin Fri 04-Oct-13 23:58:56

snoozey I too seem to " enjoy* going to the cemetery. I think it's because I know my mum is there and it gives me pleasure to take her flowers. I have in my mind that she knows I go there
Hello to everyone else, I am a bit behind on the thread today but will catch up tomorrow, a quick hello to crazykat
Sending you all comforting vibes

FriendofDorothy Fri 04-Oct-13 23:59:43

Dad is amazing but so sad. I just catch him every now and then looking really lost hmm

mummylin Sat 05-Oct-13 00:05:52

Well it will be like losing half of himself . Must be very hard to adapt to suddenly being on your own when you have had so many years with your wife. It's difficult because everyone tries to be brave so as not to upset anyone else, when really everyone is actually feeling so sad. Does he live close to you ? Wll you be able to see him quite often or are you quite far from each other

FriendofDorothy Sat 05-Oct-13 00:46:16

We live very close, only about a mild away so we will see plenty of each other.

FriendofDorothy Sat 05-Oct-13 00:46:33

A mile I mean!

mummylin Sat 05-Oct-13 00:55:44

Oh that's not too bad then. I was talkin to my sis in law today and we were saying how even when we have just lost someone, we still cook. Eat, do the washing etc.god knows how but somehow we do get through it all.

Badvoc Sat 05-Oct-13 07:45:24 mum and dad were married for 42 years and she was so reliant on him for scares me tbh.
She is also lost without him. I am sure your poor dad is the same.
10 weeks today for us sad
My aunt Didn't get to mums til late so I will go and see her this morning.
As Lin says...we just get on with it. Today I am stripping he beds and re making. Then sorting out the groceries, then making flapjacks for's a harsh truth that life does go on. It has to. But, god, it's hard sad
Thinking of you x

vladthedisorganised Sat 05-Oct-13 09:51:26

Hi all.
Having a tough morning - lots of little things have snuck up on me that I haven't done and should have. Haven't bought my nephew a birthday present or sent a card - his birthday was last week. Paperwork remains undone, the house is a mess, and I haven't been to the cemetery for two months to sort out the flowers. Seem to be living life at a trillion miles an hour at the moment - visiting Dad regularly, supporting a friend who recently lost her job, keeping on top of work which just gets busier, doing stuff with DD and all the family stuff that sneaks up too (Mum used to be brilliant at remembering birthdays, sending new baby presents and things - I'm crapper than crapper than crap at it and I know it's missed - nobody expects Dad to do it but I can't help but wonder if they're suprised I don't make the effort). I'm supposed to be writing something for our local newsletter but can't face it at the moment.

I feel so bad that I don't go to the cemetery (Dad hasn't been yet, but it's kind of different as I don't find it difficult emotionally and I know he does), Dad's fine with it and just says "Life gets in the way". He's right, but it makes me feel terrible - like some awful yuppie who has to "find a window" for everything. Can't really outsource anything apart from plonking DD in front of the TV far more than I'd like to.

<wails into tea>

Badvoc Sat 05-Oct-13 13:29:40

Oh, vlad.
Gosh, you are being hard on yourself!
I think - and hope - that people would have some compassionate and understanding wrt gifts and cards etc in the aftermath of a bereavement.
And it is and aftermath???I feel as though I have been in a war zone.
Saw my aunt this morning...not too bad, although she did try and give me the hats that they were giving out at the wedding (you know, the wedding we didn't get to cos my dad died at the hotel??)
<deep breaths>
Have done some shopping for my aunt who is ill.
Made flapjacks for ds1.
Didn't sleep well so back to bed for me this afternoon.
Dh says my sister and I have to make some sort of rota for seeing mum...I am so very tired. I will speak to her about it.

mummylin Sat 05-Oct-13 14:00:20

vlad it seems to me that you had too much on your plate to cope with, you cannot do everything. You have had a rough ride so give yourself a break and don't take on too much. I have to say that there are many birthdays where I now don't know the date as it was my mum that always reminded me too. I know my brothers but never remember any of my sis in laws. Luckily others in the family can tell me.
If you feel guilty about not taking flowers to the cemetery, put some flowers by your mums photo at home.

FriendofDorothy Sat 05-Oct-13 17:16:55

Fuck fuck fuck.

Not only did my Mum die last week, now my little kitten has been run over and killed sad

oh friendofdorothy thats so sad sad sorry to hear about your little cat it is awful to lose a pet. thinking of you

Afternoon all, or is it evening now?

I know that most of us have mentioned robins, and that they are in some way significant to us and a bit of a comfort to think that our missing loved ones are near. with christmas coming up and it being a difficult time for those of us who are missing our parent/s i thought it would be nice to have a little robin reminder that those we love are still with us in our memories and also that there is a whole host of us on this thread who over christmas might be feeling a little alone or a little down so i have spent today making little robin decorations, they are only small and should be on my profile pics. I was hoping if any of you would like to that we could hang them on our trees or wherever so over christmas we have got a somewhat small reminder that we arent alone. happy to post out to you all xxx

Badvoc Sat 05-Oct-13 17:38:02

Oh SM what a lovely thought! I love robins, always have!
I would love one smile sorry about your poor kitten x

pm me whenever they are all ready as I had a spare day! last year we all talked about robins thought it would be nice to hang one up to remind us we are all here

mummylin Sat 05-Oct-13 19:42:25

I actually have a robin engraved on my mums headstone aupermario . I would love to have one to hang on my tree or even to place on mums grave. What a lovely thought. Thank you.
friendofdorothy I am so sorry to see what has happened to your kitten. How sad. Had you had it very long. Animals get into your heart don't they.

mummylin Sat 05-Oct-13 19:56:57

Oops ! * supermario*

grin I knew who you meant, after all who could possibly be like me.

mummylin Sat 05-Oct-13 20:11:49

I guess you got fed up with making stockings grin

had a short robin making break I've made 20 stockings in the last monthgrin

mummylin Sat 05-Oct-13 20:35:52

You have done well. We have had a robin in the garden the last couple of weeks, sometimes we get two ! I have felt a bit odd today, not ill exactly but not quite right. Got up this morning at nine, made a cuppa and went back to bed, woke up next at 1.30pm !!! Can't remember when I last did that.

hope your feeling better I am shattered went bed at 1 up at 6 grin like you no reason why was just how I felt. strange things human beings

mummylin Sat 05-Oct-13 21:17:53

I know ,it's have flu , but I don't have that or a cold , just a bit out of sorts. Had a very stressful couple of days owing to a couple of my friends problems.

hope things improve, always here to chat x

mummylin Sat 05-Oct-13 21:52:25

Oh , it's not me that has the problem. It's them . I am just stuck in the middle as both of them have been confiding in me.thanks anyway.

I hate it when that happens. my friend and her partner fell out and split up a while back I had one in the house crying and one in the car I was running between the two not knowing what to say

mummylin Sat 05-Oct-13 22:14:43

Very similar situation here.

its very hard to be the neutral party isn't it

mummylin Sun 06-Oct-13 23:16:46

Hello everyone, hope you have all had a reasonable weekend, and that the newly bereaved are coping ok for the moment.
Found out this aft that my brother flew to Barcelona on a sudden whim for 4 days, this is where we all had our last holiday with our mum. He text to say he was where the pigeons were and that they made him think of mum, as when we were there we bought bags of bird food and you get loads of birds around in seconds. Our mum loved it and I have photos of that, she died a matter of days after. So is a special memory.

Badvoc Mon 07-Oct-13 07:21:53

What a lovely memory Lin smile
My birthday tomorrow. This time last year I got thrown a surprise b day party....very different this year sad
Am going to do a bit of cleaning for my aunt this morning.

crazykat Mon 07-Oct-13 09:51:46

That's a lovely memory mummylin.

Happy birthday for tomorrow Badvoc.

My mum's scan results came back, the cancer has progressed slightly which we expected. It's the best we could have hoped for short of nothing having changed or a miracle.

t875 Mon 07-Oct-13 10:45:19

How awful friend to dorothy, my god thats unbelievable and i can imagine you are very angry jesus christ that is just absolutely horrible, life can be very very cruel. :-(

Mario - Great idea, they are really great, i personally am ok as i have our traditional robin who goes on the top of the tree every year, but what a great job you have done. Lovely!! :-)

Mummylin - make sure you take care of you, you are truly an angel on this earth being there for everyone but you have to make sure you are looking after you! smile lovely memory you have with the pigeons!!

Badvoc- how are you feeling now?? Happy Birthday for tomorrow, do something special for you! You deserve it!!

Crazycat - Im so sorry the scans brought not good news, thinking of you ((hugs)) must be such a hard time for you.

Well im not too bad, seem to be coming out of the dark passage of grief again and turning the corner but not leaving her behind.

My eldest s birthday preparations have been hard, but her party went well, 8 nearly teenagers in our house!! Crazy at first, sooo loud, but then got them doing soap science and making bracelets wii/e box, and being told 'cool party' by them on the way out was great!!
Hi to everyone else, i am thinking of you all, i don't get here much atm but im on PM if anyone wants me. xx

I have to say the coincidences we have found on this forum is immense, from the music to the same name of the parent, living where we live, and our birthday dates of relatives. CRAZY!

Hi SSD and biscuits and anyone ive missed xx

FriendofDorothy Mon 07-Oct-13 10:45:41

Having a hard day already. Dad and I went to the funeral directors to sort a few bits and pieces out.

Mum has made it safely back from Greece, the funeral director was saying that she has never seen anyone laid out so beautifully. I guess that is the bonus of dying in a Catholic country!

This is so hard. I never expected to be doing this so soon sad

Badvoc Mon 07-Oct-13 11:24:03

Yes FOD it is sad I am thinking of you all x
I remember having to choose the clothes dad wore and putting the shoes in the bag...the same shoes I helped him pick out only a few weeks earlier for the wedding.
I go to dads grave regularly and even now I still can't quite believe I am walking towards my dads final resting place.
I still expect him to come through the door at some point.
The funeral was he was utterly surreal. I felt as if I were watching events from behind a glass screen.
I just want tomorrow to be over tbh.
Another first over with.
My mum and siblings have got me a watch - I know because they asked me to choose it - which my dad would approve of. He was obsessed with watches smile the more dials the better smile
I love him.
I miss him.
Life is hard ATM.

t875 Mon 07-Oct-13 11:27:02

oh friend to dorothy i hold my hand out to you it is horrendously hard pm anytime, we all know what you are going through I know with my mum the suddenness put me and my body into shock i wasnt eating, i was a state, and it is very hard. Take each minute, hour, day slowly, try to get into something you enjoy. There is also the CRUSE general phone line that helped me when I really was struggling, they were very good and helped me a lot. Right here with you. ((((bug hugs)))) for these tough times coming up.
I guess my belief she is around me really helped me and gave me comfort but i also know when grief is so raw it is hard to say this to anyone and i found it hard at times to believe it. I truly believe though that they dont leave us, she will always be with you but i also know how crap life really is too to not have them here physically xxx

t875 Mon 07-Oct-13 11:31:01

Badvoc - How nice about the watch! :-)

I do know what you mean, for at least the first year on and off it all seems so surreal and i couldnt believe how everyone was carrying on with everything while mine seemed to stand still.

Enjoy though the best you can, im sure he will be with you and want you to enjoy it but i also know this is not easy to do. xx

Badvoc Mon 07-Oct-13 11:54:38

It's beautiful T. The whole family chipped in. I dint know why but this year I felt the need for something I can keep.
It's a Citizen Eco drive - like the one we got my dad for his b day a Month before he died.
I think he would approve smile

mummylin Mon 07-Oct-13 12:42:14

Hello all. t875 thanks for your concerns, but I am fine a the moment, I prob won't be saying that nearer the end of the month but at the moment I can cope with whatever comes my way. My friends situation is bad and I actually thought I could not be friends with her anymore, but I can't turn my back on her neither she or her dh have anyone else to confide in as most f the family ( both sides ) are at war !!! crazykat I'm sorry you haven't had your miracle but I suppose it was good to hear it wasnt growing faster. Is she still getting birds in her garden or have they all flown off now, I hope she got enjoyment from that during the summer
badvoc your watch sounds lovely and I'm sure your dad would of approved. I know you will stubble a bit tomorrow but as you say, it will be anther first out of the way. If you have a card from your mum and dad from last year, stick it up along with the others
* friendofdorothy* I am glad you now have your mum back with you and it seems a lot of care was taken to ensure she looked her best , ready for the family to view her, it is nice to know they treated her with the respect she deserves.
supermario I will email my address ready for the little robin to fly here ! ssd I hope you are going along ok, are you feeling any happier now or are still as unhappy as you have been ?
To everyone I haven't mentioned, nevertheless you are thought of and I hope you are getting through day by day.

how are you all? im doing okay, keeping busy with making and present buying. had a bit of a wobble on town today but some idiot family friend stopped me and rattled on for ages about how i probably miss my mum, what a terrible buisness it all is and how the anniversary coming up must be hard accompained by punchin my arm and saying chin upangry utter cock. but i am rather sensitive last few weeks. on the plus side i nearly slipped in store today but managed to keep myself upright and pull off some epic sliding moves grin grin grin grin

snoozysleeper Mon 07-Oct-13 14:55:27

friendofdorothy I'm so sorry to hear your news about your mum and your pet, glad your mum is home with you now

supermario the robin idea is lovely smile glad to hear you're keep

snoozysleeper Mon 07-Oct-13 15:01:55

Phone posted too early

supermario glad to hear you're keeping busy

badvoc the watch sounds a great idea esp as I think your dad would approve too

mummylin it's hard to be neutral between two warring friends but it sounds like you're managing well

Hello to all, thinking of you all

I had a weekend where we went to a mass dedicated for my mum. It's something she would have wanted so I'm glad I went. My brother didn't go though sad

Badvoc Mon 07-Oct-13 17:58:54

Well, am about to go and watch ds1 play football...actually I hope to sit in the car but it still counts, right?
Then I am going to mums until the kids are in bed because I simply cannot, for the life of me, take one more minute of ds2 whining for me and calling my name.
It has been like this since 6am this morning and I only got out of the house to pick ds1 up from college as his walking buddy was sent home ill.
Oh, and dh has yet to get me a b day card.
I mean, Ffs.
My b day is every year. On the same day.
It's not hard.
So now he is moaning that he wants to go to tesco to get me something "special" I have just told him that he can stick it and that nothing "special" comes from bloody tesco!
I long for today and tomorrow to be over.

mummylin Mon 07-Oct-13 19:21:50

Sometimes men can be so rhoughtlessbadvoc and much as we love our children they drive you round the bend. Despite all the irritations I hope you will still enjoy your birthday tomorrow. And yes sitting in the car still counts as watching

Auntietina Mon 07-Oct-13 20:09:39

Hi all

First timer here...

Mummylin invited me to come and chat to you all.... (Thank you!)

My mum died 3 weeks ago today. In some ways it seems like yesterday but also seems like she's been gone forever. Bit weird. I went back to work today so life is supposedly getting back to 'normal'.

I thought I would be crying all the time but really haven't been. My friend reckons it's the denial stage of grief. I do feel like I am due to hit a wall sometime soon. Mum had been ill for a long long time with cancer so we had had a long time to prepare ourselves but it doesn't help at all. I just feel so incredibly sad.. I don't have a mum anymore. My girls have lost their number one supporter (after me) and I can't call her every day to tell her about my day and hear about hers.

Sorry for the rambling.

mummylin Mon 07-Oct-13 20:31:16

Hello auntietina glad you popped over. First of all I am sorry for your loss. It is such an ordeal to go through. We all think our mums / dads will be here forever and it's so hard to adapt to a life without them. I think in the beginning you just can't believe it has happened.
We are all at various stages on here and everyone of us will be able to relate to you.
There is no easy way to get through the grieving process , but we will all help you through as much as we can. It certainly helps to chat to others who have or are going through the same thing.
Do you have family and friends to help you in RL ? I still struggle and at the end of this month it will be two years. I really can't believe that. It still feels like it was recent.
Just for now take each day as it comes, that's all you can do. This thread has been a massive help to me and it does help to chat about , or rant about something.

Badvoc Mon 07-Oct-13 20:37:56

You can never be prepared IMO etina.
No matter how long someone has been ill, it's always a shock.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
It's been 10 weeks for me and in all honesty it's almost getting harder to bear.
I haven't cried in ages. Not properly.
No idea what I am going to do tomorrow...I will decide when I get up.
Thank you all for he kind b day thoughts x

Auntietina Mon 07-Oct-13 21:30:57

Thank you mummylin and badvoc (and happy birthday badvoc!)

I do have some great friends in RL who are fantastic so I know I'm lucky. But it's good to know I can let rip here ...

My dad is doing great but I worry about him too. He went through the whole cancer thing with my mum and didn't really like talking about it with her (that was my job!). He's on his own for the first time in his adult life and seems to be doing ok....

One day at a time seems to be good advice for now. Thanks.

waterlego Mon 07-Oct-13 21:39:50

Hello all, sorry I haven't had a chance to catch up on everyone's news yet, been so busy here.

Auntietina I'm sorry you find yourself here; I'm sorry for your loss.

crazykat I'm sorry the news about your mum isn't good. Where is her cancer? My mum has it in the stomach and liver.

FriendofDorothy It's so, so hard. And nothing can make it easier. I'm so sorry you're going through this sad

Badvoc Happy birthday for tomorrow- will be thinking of you.

My mum has gone into the hospice today- hopefully temporarily- because she has too much calcium in her blood so they are trying to sort that out for her so that she'll be more comfortable. She also has a new carer (at home) who I found for her, and she seems to be working out well so far, so I'm pleased to have been able to do something useful. I feel so helpless so much of the time. It was weird when mum went into the hospice today; I phoned a few of mum's friends to let them know. For a moment, I thought I needed to phone dad to tell him. But no. Weird feeling.

'Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world'. That's a quote I read the other day and reflects how I feel sometimes. But my grief for dad is fleeting, because there is so much still going on with mum. I expect it will all hit me like a ton of bricks once she's gone too.

Hope everyone is doing as well as can be expected.

sorry to see you are joining us but you will find support here its always nice to have people around that understand in some way.

badvoc try to enjoy your day as best you can even if its just to have some time on your own.

I have calmed down a bit now from my chat on town and other peoples general stupidity. chin up , what a stupid thing to say. we had tea at grandparents tonight (mums mum and dad) all of us there kids playing games with their uncle was so lovely just miss my mum being there perched on the wall laughing at the kids and letting them get away with all sorts.

snoozysleeper Mon 07-Oct-13 22:24:50

auntietina I'm sorry for your loss but hope you find some of the support you need here flowers

And badvoc I hope you have a good birthday, don't push yourself but try to enjoy as muh of your day as possible!

mummylin Mon 07-Oct-13 23:48:58

waterlego hope they manage to sort something out for your mum so she feels more comfortable ,hopefully she will soon be back home. Hospices are lovely peaceful places and the people who work in them seem to have a certain calmness about them as well as big hearts. They will look after her very well

mummylin Tue 08-Oct-13 09:38:03

Thinking of you badvoc

t875 Tue 08-Oct-13 09:57:38

Waterlego - Hope your mum will be ok keep us posted.

Autietina - I am sorry to hear of your loss but welcome to the group. It is a very stage the begining it is such a mixture of emotions, I think the stages of grief for me were all over the place. I was very distraught angry, bitter, denial, and the what ifs. Glad to hear your dad is getting along ok. Take each minute, hour, day slowly. Thinking of you!

Badvoc - cake thanks a HUGE happy birthday, hope its the best it can be for you. Light a candle and take in all them little things that go through your head today. Watch your favourite tv programme, have a cake do what you want to do for you. I know that your dad approved of your watch, like you say it would have been what he liked. How lovely! Enjoy your day, you are very special and deserve too!

Mummylin - Glad your going along ok

crazy cat, mariosister, vlad, biscuits, ssd, ftd, and anyone i missed, my brain is mush Im thinking of you all.

Cant believe my daughter is 13!!! Ack! Where did that time go!!
She had a lovely lot of stuff, charm bracelet from her sister with sister, we got her some lipsy earings, 3 set, shamballa jewelry making kit, and a mosiac art set with plastic pegs (anyone remember prestofix?) I had this at her age, its the equivalent, brings back memories.
I got from my mum a glittery butterfly which clips, and i clip it to my dads card when he gives it tonight. Really hard her not being here but ive involved her and im sure shes around. I seriously cant think about my loss at the moment it absolutely floors me and the void is huge.

BiscuitsandBaileys Tue 08-Oct-13 11:30:11

Hi all.
Sorry I've not been around much, loads on at the moment.
Hope everyone is ok, lovely sunny day here.

Happy Birthday badvoc hope it's a nice one for you. So strange you share it with t875 dd but also mine! My baby is 10 today!

I just wanted to share something very sweet dd2 said at the weekend. She was saying how it's sad that her nanny and granddad can't be here on her birthday and I said that it's days like this that we really miss them. She said "I think they will look over the edge of a cloud and watch me won't they?" I smiled and cried at the same time.

mummylin Great news about your sister finding a house near you.

Love to all x

t875 Tue 08-Oct-13 16:07:10

Happy Birthday to your daughter biscuits cake hope she has a great day, and what a lovely thing for your dd to say, i would be the same, smile and be upset x

Mummylin - reading from biscuits your sister is moving? I bet you are really pleased!!

Badvoc Tue 08-Oct-13 16:40:21

A very happy birthday to all the marvellous people born on this date! smile
My day has not really worked out as planned...felt grotty so cancelled my lunch out. Then dh is being a tosser.
And I miss my dad.
Will be glad when today is over really.
Love to all x

ssd Tue 08-Oct-13 20:38:41

hugs to you badvoc, wish you were near me, I'd take you for a glass of wine! and a happy birthday to everyone else who shares birthdays here!

and sorry to the posters who have joined, its such a hard time sad

hugs to all of us here xxx

Badvoc Tue 08-Oct-13 21:01:55

Ssd...ds1 and I have just watched GBBO together smile
I am taking my aunt to hospital tomorrow for more tests - they are now thinking heart failure sad

ssd Tue 08-Oct-13 21:22:50

I'm watching Bear Grylls with my 2!! They love all that gory stuff.....

your poor aunt.....and you sad, hope her tests are more positive than heart failure xx

Auntietina Tue 08-Oct-13 22:22:30

Hi all

It's good to know this site is here...

I dreamt about my mum last night for the first time since she died. It was an odd dream (we knew she was dead but she just 'popped back' to chat to us) but quite comforting. Haven't been able to stop thinking about it all day.

Badvoc - sorry you're having a crappy birthday.

mummylin Wed 09-Oct-13 15:24:24

badvoc what a horrible couple of months you are having, your poor seem to have such a lot to cope with. Sorry Dh being a pain.
How is your mum getting on ?
Auntietina I have had two dreams about my mum , but she didnt speak to me in it at all. They were so clear and I really believed she was there.......until I woke and realised it was all just dreams. Hope you are ok.
t875 yes she will at last be back home, hopefully before Xmas. But I still won't see her a lot, she moves in different circles to me, but she will at least know we are all around her which will make her feel better. She has been very homesick, especially since mum died.
biscuits lovely to see you. Glad you are going on ok. Hope all is well with you.
waterlego how is your mum getting on inthe hospice ? Hope she has settled in well, how long do you think her stay will be ?
ssd have you got your pt through win cruse yet, it seems to be taking a long time. Hopefully when you finally do get there it will bring ou some omfort.
supermario I just remembered that I said I would email , I will do it later. How is your mums little garden !
I am going to get some miniature fav and maybe tulips too to plant up the cemetery ready for the springtime. I see they have little boxes of them in Asda for about £5 .no sure how many in the box though. I hope the squirrels don't dig them up !!!
Thinking of everyone else who is missing a loved one.

mummylin Wed 09-Oct-13 15:27:17

Miniature fav = miniature daffs !!!! Sorry for all the wrong words iPad has a brain of its own

Badvoc Wed 09-Oct-13 18:01:39's been rough that's for sure.
I love the little daffs smile
I dreamt about dad last week, except in my dream the CPR worked sad
My sis has heard from the counselling service and they are going to her house for a home assessment on 21st.
Still not sure whether to take he plunge myself.
Mum is very lonely sad We were joking today she is going to advertise for a "travelling companion" like they did in E M Forster novels! smile
She has applied to get he house valued. They will let her know whether she is eligible to buy and then they have 12 weeks to do a valuation and then she has another 12 weeks to decide.
I have no idea whether it's the right thing to do or not....but it would be nice for her to think she owns her own home.

mummylin Wed 09-Oct-13 20:24:51

Yes it would. badvoc.i am sorry that what you dreamt didnt come true. I hope your sister will benefit from seeing someone. I think for some people it's a real lifeline.but I don't think it's for me.
Had trouble getting on the site tonight, it's on a go slow. There is a message from MNHQ in site stuff as a few are having problems.

Badvoc Thu 10-Oct-13 19:26:22

Been back to see the gp for my check up.
Bad news is I am still not sleeping sad
God news is she thinks i am perfectly sane hmm
I am not convinced.
Mn went a bit mad yesterday didn't it?
I tried posting about 4 times and then just gave up.
Hope everyone is ok x

ssd Thu 10-Oct-13 20:32:11

me too badvoc, I wrote something and it disappeared, very annoying!

sorry you aren't sleeping, I know I wake up early sometimes thinking of my siblings and my mum and going over everything again and again.

but I think we have to accept how we feel is normal, although it doesn't feel it.

try to to be as kind to yourself as you can, I mean in your mind, in your thoughts. you've had the worst shock of your life and its still going on, with your mum being lonely and your aunt poorly. its not surprising you're feeling awful low. but here we can hold your hand and give you understanding and empathy and try to buoy you up a bit to get through these sad days. I hope you get a bit of comfort here, I know I do.

you are sane, you're just hurting more than you would ever imagine sad. I'm sorry xxx

Badvoc Thu 10-Oct-13 20:56:43

Ssd...thank you.
I so feel lucky that I have this thread and the lovely posters on it.
I have felt recently that I was going a bit - well, mad smile
I tried to open my car door with the shed key a few days ago. And I put dirty washing in the tumble dryer. And I forgot the kids break up for half term next week!
If I could sleep I think I would feel better, but easier said than done, eh?

mummylin Thu 10-Oct-13 21:31:23

badvoc join the club ! Today I thought my neighbours cat had come in and I could see it behind my settee. Bent down to stroke it and it wasnt even a cat it was a soft toy dog !
I think we all have moments like that. You are far from mad !!
Hope everyone is ok.
ssd I think what we are all going through is normal, we all seem to have the same sort of feelings etc, so I guess therefore it ^must* be normal !!! Does that even make sense ?

ssd Thu 10-Oct-13 21:51:11

I remember genuinely feeling like I was going mad when my mum first died. I really thought, this can't be normal, this is mind blowing. No one else felt the same, I could see it in them. I thought what the hell is this, this can't be right.

Then amidst all the madness I learned to trust myself and realise, even if no one else feels it, feeling this bad was normal when you'd lost someone you'd loved all your life. And I looked at my siblings and realised not feeling like this was abnormal. Well, to me anyway.

So badvoc, trust yourself. And maybe when you do, you'll start getting a bit of sleep again. x

Badvoc Fri 11-Oct-13 11:32:19

Ok...third time trying to post so here goes! (Mn seems to have gone a bit mad or is it me?)
It could be sister nearly burnt her house down last week!
I have had a very busy morning cleaning and grocery shopping.
Just the ironing to do now...

FriendofDorothy Fri 11-Oct-13 11:35:08

Today we bury mum. It's so hard hmm

Badvoc Fri 11-Oct-13 11:36:03

Thinking of you FOD x
And your dear mum x

ssd Fri 11-Oct-13 13:18:12

second that, thinking of you dorothy x

Badvoc Fri 11-Oct-13 18:25:04

So, dads headstone was put up today.
Why is it so much harder looking at his headstone instead of a wooden cross!?
You are in my thoughts FOD x

thinking of you friend of dorothy.

and you too b the headstone going up probably seems quite final, mums was ready the same day so we didn't have the extra milestone on the journey. I am in a proper crabby mood tonight my nan has been crying a lot of the afternoon as she's been talking about mums birthday and how her feckless two other children won't bother sending flowers for her birthday. she's right they won't but she already knows this they are too selfish to even register that this will upset my nan. they always have been like that show up when there's a crisis then feck off back into the sunset when they are needed. my grandparents deserve better sad.

mummylin Fri 11-Oct-13 20:39:05

* friendofdorothy* I have already posted to you today but it dosen appear to be on this thread so I'm not sure where I have put it ! Hope today went as well as possible and that you. Your dad and sister coped with it all. Look after yourself and each other.
badvoc that is the final thing you can do for your dear dad. It is a sad day but for myself I felt a bit happier when mum had her headstone , we had to wait 6 months for the ground to settle before we could have it , so it was nice to see something there rather than nothing.

posted on facebook today that I was feeling really shit and wished I could help those who needed ( meaning my nan) got a comment off ain't asking if was abit grumpyangry cock. yes I was grumpy after spending the afternoon with your mum who was in tears. god she winds me up

Badvoc Fri 11-Oct-13 21:00:27

Yes. I suppose that's it. It's so final.
SM...I'm so sorry. What a hard day for you. I don't know how some people look themselves in the mirror in the morning tbh, but it's between them and their conscience.
I feel so sad today.

big hug to you badvoc there is certainly something with seeing it in stone if that makes sense. one day at a time ( and one feckless waste of space relative at a time) we will get through though

Badvoc Fri 11-Oct-13 21:47:51

Took my aunt to hospital on weds. She has to go back next week for another ct scan. It's not looking good tbh.
So hard to stay positive in the face of such awful stuff.
Am looking forward to half term - with any luck the dc will be happy watching tv all day and slogging about in pjs smile
They both look so tired and pale, bless them. They are ready for a break.
I don't do FB - my brother harassed me to join and I did for about 4 months. Then my Dhs cousin got all passive aggressive with me so I deleted my account. I don't use twitter either...I am somewhat of a Luddite smile

I am sorry to hear about your aunt I know what you mean it is certainly hard not to think the worst case when you are already feeling low. it runs you down I bet the dc will enjoy the break no matter what. sometimes I think no fb is the way to go but I would miss friends I don't see so may just delete aunt and if she ever shows her face ill have to explain why

t875 Fri 11-Oct-13 23:05:11

Ah Friend of Dorothy my thoughts are with you. We are here for you. I know how crap and upside down your world is feeling right now. Lots of hugs to you.

Badvoc - bless you - thinking of you xx

Thinking of you all. Sorry been working loads. Got another 4 - 6 weeks on 0 contract though and can be stopped any minute. 0 contracts great for the government and their figures crap for people who want to plan their future!! :-(

Hope your all going along well as can be xx

ssd Sat 12-Oct-13 08:30:29

super, I'm with you re the fecking relatives!!! I deleted my whole family off my facebook, the stuff they were posting right after mum died was unbelievable to I just got rid and I'm glad I did, theres posts and things I just don't want to see or read, I can only take so much hurt. What is it with selfish people? Bereavement really opens your eyes to who your friends are,. doesn't it!

badvoc, I'msorry you are sad, everything is just another step away from the ones we love, isn't it sad and each step is so hard to take.

Dorothy, I hope you have a quiet day today and you get the chance to have a rest and a cry by yourself

mummylin, t875, vlad, waterlego, biscuits and auntitina, thinking of you all and anyone I've missed! xx

Badvoc Sat 12-Oct-13 08:38:51

Ssd...I know that my siblings got some nice messages after dad died on FB, but it's not for me. I think FB can be a very cruel place when you feel vulnerable.
No idea what to do with the wooden cross!...would it be awful to just burn it!?
11 weeks today...
Miss you, dad x

ssd Sat 12-Oct-13 08:49:20

nice messages would have been good, don't want to go into what was on mine, just cruel, people who obviously weren't in the least upset at my mum dying and not thinking for 2 seconds I might not want to read certain things, I just deleted folk when it got too much...and this was "close" family, not random strangers.

i am still in the same not so cheerful mood as yesterday, it is so annoying to get moaned at for being miserable. i know fb isnt really the place but when you dont have many people to talk to it can get your thoughts outside of your head in a sense. i so wish i had the balls to say well actually im upset because ive spent the day sat with your mum who was breaking her heart that her youngest child isnt alive to celebrate her birthday and her other two children couldnt give a flying feck that she cries daily, she hardly ever goes out unless its with me or my sister and she says she feels she has no family apart from us now.
i know what you mean though people just dont think before they type , i dont have many people on there but i think it will dwindle even more now! i dont think it would be so bad to get rid of the cross, i have a memory garden for mum where the little things i buy or have that can go outside do it looks nice in summer.

Badvoc Sat 12-Oct-13 09:03:36

Oh ssd and SM...I'm so sorry. What heartlessness. And so much worse when it's close family.
The weather here today matches my mood perfectly...I.e: miserable!
Dh and I are wrapping Xmas gifts today. I am not doing it all myself this year as I have every other year!!

thats nice, i always end up wrapping everything other than my own!, i am terrible at gift wrapping but it covers the present so i see that as a bonus smile ive got loads bought already but no wrapping paper so its hidden away.

ssd Sat 12-Oct-13 09:54:39

I always dread Christmas and New Year. Even seeing the threads about it on here make me wince. It just feels so lonely. We have no grandparents to share it with, actually we've only had my mum for years and she was very old. Everyone else I know spends time with in laws, brothers and sister, mums or dads and we just don't have any. I always make it special for the kids but I just carry an ache around with me at that time of year. I just want some family that cares for me and my kids. The only ones who did were my mum (and dad if he'd been here.) I don't tell anyone how I feel but I've felt this way for years. Everyone at work talks about the family all getting together on Christmas day or having new year parties with loads of aunties and cousins etc. Its just so lonely, I hate it. I save up all year to make Xmas as special as I can for my kids and they don't get present from anyone else but us. I don't swap presents with friends, I used to as this gave my kids another present, but all my friends have lots of extended family around and they eventually told me they couldn't afford to swap presents with me as they'd so many family members to buy for. TBH now the kids are getting older they might not miss it, but it really hurts me they have nothing from anyone else. Last year I went to Thomas cook to price up a holiday away at this time of year but the prices were sky high and we'd never be able to go. I used to take the kids to the panto or the carnival but they are too old now and refuse to go! And going for bracing walks is the last thing teenagers want to do!

mummylin Sat 12-Oct-13 10:27:56

Oh * ssd* I can't imagine being in your position. I realise I am so lucky having lots of siblings and my own family too. We do spend Xmas together and despite having all my siblings and partners, my own children and grandchildren , we all still buy for each other. But in saying that I don't think all my siblings buy for each other. But all my siblings buy for me and my dh. Not for my children now they are adults and have their own children. It is expensive as there are a lot of us , but we all still enjoy a family Xmas , although of course all my siblings have their own family and spend the actual day with them.
On Boxing Day I have open house and anyone is welcome to pop in either for a drink or to eat
I can't imagine being in your position and how sad it is for your children not to have anymore family to treat them at xmas time.
My mum loved Xmas and would wait for me and dh to go to her house early on Xmas morning to watch her open her gifts from all the family, luckily I have lots of photos of that. Then depending which house she was going to she would get ready and wait for someone to come and pick her up. She was always here or at one of my brothers for Boxing Day too.
I at the moment have my dd and her family here for Xmas day as she has already invited herself ! Maybe my son and his family too, I don't mind who is here really as long as I have prior notice, I don't invite my kids, they invite themselves !!!

Badvoc Sat 12-Oct-13 10:37:06

Ssd...I didn't realise your dc were's difficult with teenagers I you say, they dint want to go to panto or for the Xmas day yomp across the fields.
No idea what we are doing this year tbh...need to get together with my sis and discuss it really. Mum will need to be with one of us over Xmas or new year.
I do a Boxing Day open house thing in the afternoon...if you lived near me you could come ssd! smile

ssd Sat 12-Oct-13 10:52:12

I'd love to come! or to mummylins house, they both sound lovely!

theres nothing I can do about it, I cant knit family up.

I try to keep everyone cheerful and "up", but its so hard with no one there to see/visit etc

mummylin Sat 12-Oct-13 11:01:15

You would be welcome to pop in ssd if you lived near to me. Is there a show of Any sort on in your town that you could all go to over the Xmas holiday, any sort of pop show eg

ssd Sat 12-Oct-13 11:11:06

no mummylin, they don't like anything like that! I used to plan loads to give us stuff to do, but they want to do stuff with us less and less.....I also save up Tesco vouchers so we can afford a nice meal out, but its a long holiday to pass......I remember last new year, I was on fb and was really upset, I just wanted to talk to someone who felt like family, I talked to my relative who lives abroad about how much I was missing my mum and feeling alone, she started saying never mind you will have grandchildren soon and you'll feel better then, FGS, my eldest was 13!!! Best to just keep it to myself now.

mummylin Sat 12-Oct-13 11:34:45

ssdi have no plans for New Year's Eve and I promise if I am home. I will come on here and chat to you !

ssd Sat 12-Oct-13 11:42:00

thanks! x

im always around on new year smile we can have an online party (y) i live in the arse of nowhere where nothing exciting is planned!

ssd Sat 12-Oct-13 11:47:48

will look forward to it grin x

cant share food/wine but can certainly try to come up with some witty banter :D

ssd Sat 12-Oct-13 11:54:29

or failing that some drunken ramblings with the odd sniff thrown in x

Yep, last year i was desperate to go to sleep but then 5yo ds was still up at half past 1 buzzing about.

ssd Sat 12-Oct-13 12:01:20

my 2 are up way longer than me too, I'm always the first to go to bed here

Badvoc Sat 12-Oct-13 13:47:28

I am always around on New Year's Eve...we didn't go out even before kids smile
We should have a virtual new year party - and hope for a better year for all of us next year x

t875 Sat 12-Oct-13 21:39:28

Ill try and be around to jump in and have a few nibbles and a glass if wine as we do get busy with it we play games and chat and watch tv! X

t875 Sun 13-Oct-13 14:21:29

Biscuits!?! !?! Have pm'd you!!! X

mummylin Sun 13-Oct-13 14:21:56

I am so angry today. My ds had his van broken into last night and had some of his tools stolen. Makes me sick there's are such scum around to take someone's work tools. He had to go and buy some more this morning before he could finish off our bathroom. Hope the thieves cut their own hands off when they use them ! Not sure what it was they took but it's all things he needs for his tiling .

Badvoc Sun 13-Oct-13 14:24:13

Oh Lin, how awful. They are indeed scum. Is your ds insured for the tools?

mummylin Sun 13-Oct-13 14:31:14

I'm not sure, but I do know he can claim against his tax as he is self employed, could of been worse, luckily a lot of his stuff was here because he is tiling our bathroom at the moment. It just makes me so angry when he works so bloody hard and some thieving bastard just helps themselves to his stuff. Once before they took all his tools from the house he was working in ! My kids may be adult but I still feel it if someone does something against them.

t875 Sun 13-Oct-13 14:57:27

Lets hope karma bites they right on the arse mummylin. What Bas*****! Hope it doesn't hamper things too much to move forward what you need too. x

We went to Brand hatch today to watch British Touring Cars as we love it, but we have come back after the first race, it was pouring, we were soaked and couldn't see for umbrellas! Although i was sporting a really classy plastic HONDA poncho! lol in the warm now watching it on TV.
We had a spooky thing happen, dh dad loved motor racing and also was heavily involved in brandhatch, we were kind of talking about him last night and saying please shine down on the weather etc. (dh dad has passed over) anyway, as we were driving home a car went passed us with DAD as part of the number plate which i found spooky! We just said 'hello nice to know your around smile

I spoke to my bereavement Councillor on the phone very quickly as the last two weeks have been a dark ol corridor for me..i think my mums birthday and my daughters birthday of turning 13 really tipped me over the edge, she would have been in the thick of all of it and so excited. Missed her loads. Was good to talk to the lady again, she gave me great advise. Ive been very stressed and angry too. I now know what friends are there for me and what friends aren't and that's the way it is. Ive got soul mates some friends and some aquantices.. Soul mates are people that listen to you and feel your pain, this forum we are soul mates x

fuming for you mummylinn! some parcels and post has been going missing lately and i am raging so i can deffo get that you are feeling karma needing to bite them on the backside.

t875 Sun 13-Oct-13 21:50:18

Pm'd you biscuits [ smile] xx

t875 Sun 13-Oct-13 21:50:42


mummylin Sun 13-Oct-13 22:30:55

Hope you have all had a pleasant weekend * friendofdorothy* hope you are as well as can be expected.
waterlego hope your mum has settled into the hospice and is comfortable there.
To everyone, you are all in my thoughts on this cold miserable day , I'm sure the weather affects our moods. It so much nicer when the sun is shining. It does lift your spirits a bit.

feeling bugged tonight, been shipping with my nan again she's spending fortune on Christmas but think its the only way she knows how to make it through. it hurts that she is upset most days, and there is nothing left to say other than I know, we miss her too. she left a huge hole behind sad

mummylin Mon 14-Oct-13 00:46:39

It's awful for a mum to have to grieve for her daughter , my mum had to go through it too. She never ever got over it .

t875 Mon 14-Oct-13 07:50:33

Yeah my aunty lost my cousin in a road accident at the age of 24 and she hasn't got over it. �� It shook us all up bad.

My dad isn't great at the moment. He can't devide wether he wants to move out. He is struggling and so lonely. I wish I could say the right words to help him. He said I did I did help last night but I'm not sure how I did. His knee is playing him up. He has a MRI Saturday to look at it. It's stopping him from doing gardening which he loves. �� Feel for him.

Thinking of you all x

FriendofDorothy Mon 14-Oct-13 08:22:23

We buried Mum on Friday and had a service of celebration on Saturday - we reckon about 400 people turned up and it was a lovely service.

Yesterday about 25 of my close family all came down with a D&V bug. Whilst The Mister, Little Mister and I aren't too bad we all feel a bit off colour and The Mister is working nights.

I had a reasonable nights sleep but kept waking up thinking Mum was dead in my bed. I am missing her so much this morning because I just want to phone her for a chat.

Please pray for strength and health for all of us today. I just want to cry.

ssd Mon 14-Oct-13 10:15:41

Dorothy, I'm so sorry. I know how much you're hurting and I just want to offer you a hug and a cuppa. xx

t875, I feel the same as you, some people will forever be lost to me now, I'll never feel the same about them now, no matter how much time passes. And that's lovely seeing the numberplate with DAD on it, things like that aren't just coincidences to me, theres a reason for it all. Would you mind pming me with any of the advice the counsellor gave you, cruse still hasn't phoned me yet and I'm giving up, I don't know what to do, when I phoned them they said just to wait. And your poor dad, I just want to hug him sad, same for supermarios gran sad

mummylin, I really hope the thieves get their comeuppance and karma gets them, they are scum for doing that.Stuff like that really makes me sick!!

Badvoc Mon 14-Oct-13 10:22:23

Ssd...have you tried phoning the local hospice service?
They have seen my sister really quickly.
FOD...I am thinking of you today x
My brother hasn't been to see dads headstone even though he has been to mums twice since it was put up.
I am past caring.
I feel so ill/tired all the time.
I had ordered a shed load of supplements in an effort to make myself feel better....we will see.
The dreadful weather suits my mood today!

t875 Mon 14-Oct-13 22:40:08

i had an amazing meeting today with biscuits. It was so great to meet face to face and she is as lovely in rl as she is on the board.

We had so many crazy things in common we were both blown away.
Will definitely look forward to meeting again very soon! xx

Ssd have pm'd you hun. Please remember you are not on your own, we are all there for you, and im always there on PM, you are doing really well and have come so far!!

Badvoc, mariosister, crazy cat, waterlego, snowflake (how are you) vlad, mummylin hope your all going along the best you can. Lets hope for sunshine tomorrow!! xx

Badvoc Tue 15-Oct-13 07:53:59

Oh! How I would love to meet you all! sad
Am going to take mum into town today.
We both need to get out and see some sunshine and it seems today is the on,y day without rain this week!

glad you got to meet up, it would be nice wouldnt it. i dont think i have many friends anymore even though i still talk to them much as id like to i cant forget that they werent there for me when i needed them. dp drives me round the bloody bend a lot of the time but im not sure what i would of done without him that couple of weeks and i still cant quite make myself want to be a good friend to people who shirked off contacting me just because it was difficult to them. not in a bitter way i dont think just in a general our lives are too different now. it would be nice to meet you all. glad you are getting out badvoc the sunshine is nice here today too although it isnt warm its certaintly bright

BiscuitsandBaileys Tue 15-Oct-13 19:37:28

T875 is also absolutely lovely! She's so wise with her words and advice if that makes sense? The coincidences were crazy! I found it so good to talk to someone who knows how I'm feeling as I don't have many friends in rl, and the ones I do have still have both parents so have no idea how I'm feeling and don't even mention mum and dad.

I hadn't said on here but I had a really low couple of days a few weeks back so I phoned cruse to arrange a counselling session, they gave me an appointment for the end of November. Because I've been "ok" since I was thinking of cancelling it but t875 said I should go anyway and I think she's right, it won't do any harm to go and chat with them.

FriendofDorothy Hope you are doing ok today and are all feeling better. I also had the feeling that my dad was next to me in bed for a few weeks after he'd passed away. Just last night I woke up and couldn't work out if I was in my own house or mum and dads confused

ssd I'd second what badvoc suggested about seeing if your local hospice offers bereavement counselling {hugs} to you.

ssd Tue 15-Oct-13 21:06:27

wow, wish I'd been able to meet up with your girls, that would have been great! glad you both had a great time!!

I don't even know if we have a local hospice, I'm not sure. I don't know what to do about cruse either. I don't know if a counsellor would make me feel better, I just don't know anymore...

Badvoc Tue 15-Oct-13 21:15:37

That's how i feel too ssd.
I am really glad that my sis has got her assessment next week. I hope it helps her...but....
I would just be wasting their time.
They can't help me.
I will feel guilty for the rest of my life for not being able to save my dad.
Its a hard load, but it's mine to bear.

ssd Tue 15-Oct-13 22:14:17

see badvoc, I truly believe when your times up, your times up, and nothing we can do will change it, I feel our lives are mapped out for us before it even starts and we can only make the best of the time we have. I know saying that wont make a difference but I hope so a bit. I cant tell you to feel differently, maybe that comes in time, if it ever comes at all. I'm sorry you feel like this, I really do.sad

with me, its the utter lack of support from my siblings that eats away at me, the utter lack of any care towards me, or thought towards mum. Its coming to terms with the fact I lost the only person in the world who cared about me and my kids, there is no one else and that's hard to take. dh does care, I mean family, blood family. my blood family ended when mum died.

I suppose bereavement means different things to each of us, but at least we can all support each other here. xxx

Badvoc Tue 15-Oct-13 23:34:25

That's so sad ssd.
I'm sorry you feel so alone.

t875 Tue 15-Oct-13 23:45:56

I didn't think the counselling would help me, but they really help you through all them stages, i had the what ifs, denial, shock, and they really helped me..i didn't think i needed it, but my word i didn't realize how much i'd bottled up with everything..things i couldn't talk to my dad about, my brother, my husband even. So for me it really helped. I couldn't and would skirt around talking about my mum in hospital after her stroke but this all come out more when i went. My friend said she was really worried about me as every time i would talk about what happened id go..yeah anyway cant go there.. Plus i was feeling very panicky and anxious with the shock i think. But I still get struggling times too where it kills me and feel like i go back right to when it happened.

We are all different though but for me it helped and thought what have i got to lose.

Big hugs badvoc, its so very hard hun, where did you go to today? We had nice weather here, rain back tomorrow i think!!
ssd - always big hugs to you too. Hope tomorrow will be a little brighter hun, always here xx

Mummylin - How are you doing hun? Hope your going along ok! What have you been up too, hugs if needed xx

Biscuits - as I said in Pm was so lovely to meet you, lovely lady, you helped me too with your wise words and the coincidences crazy!!! {{hugs}}

NotSwimming Wed 16-Oct-13 09:55:49

Hi to you all

I just wanted to introduce myself, have met ssd on a thread I started and she recommended this one. So many things mentioned by all the grieving people here strike a chord with me, I must confess I haven't yet read through every page but I feel so lonely today I thought I'd say hi anyway.

In short I lost my dad in January which was awful and shocking but there was little choice but to carry on. My mum died when I was a child. I am not sure I belong here because though I don't think I have come to terms with my dad going what has really knocked me for six is that my brother has just passed away. The funeral is on Monday.

I feel so lost. I find it so hard to believe that I have just returned from the school run and yet again not one person has asked me how I am doing. I feel like some Oscar Wilde farce, lose one person and people will support you but if you lose two in the space of ten months well then that really is just carelessness.

A couple of close friends and my sister have been great, so there is some support there. But I find it so hard that people who were there for me ten months ago are ignoring what has happened at a time when I feel I need help more than I ever have.

I am so sorry to read all of the stories of people cast adrift without their loved ones. But it is a comfort to know there is somewhere to go to express my inconvenient emotions.

Badvoc Wed 16-Oct-13 10:02:51

I'm so sorry for your loss notswimming.
What an awful time for you.
I know what you mean about people not asking how you are.
My dad died 11 weeks ago and my own vicar hasn't even asked me how I am, or phoned, nothing....
I feel very bitter and hurt tbh.
It's so strange how we just "get on with it" - the school run, dr appts, grocery shopping...but it doesn't mean we are ok, or "over it" or "feeling better"...
Your emotions aren't inconvenient. They are true and important. Hugs x

ssd Wed 16-Oct-13 10:49:15

I'm so glad you have come here notswimming, I really think being able to express your emotions will help you and make you realise not everyone is ignoring you or making you feel like your emotions are awkward or inconvenient. How unfair you feel like this, but most of us here will understand that, we all have the face we put on.. along with the cheery voice saying "we're fine", when behind closed doors we just crumble. sad I'm so sorry for your losses, that must be so very hard to bear. I cant understand people thinking you don't need support now, but I've experienced similar, its one of the mystifying things about being bereaved. Even people you'd have sworn would have been there with a kind word like badvoc's vicar ignoring what's happened, shock, I just don't get it. In my family there's someone who did bereavement counselling for cruse...and have they phoned me once?? NO!!!

unbelievable that we get more sympathy and comfort from virtual strangers than we get from our own families.

guess that's just human nature, I've found the old saying "blood's thicker than water" to be a load of crap!

mummylin Wed 16-Oct-13 11:30:16

Hello notswimming I understand how it is to lose a sibling. I too have lost one of mine . I lost my sister when she was only 26 and expecting her second baby. Hw sad for you that you have had two massive losses in the space of a sort time. I myself lost my beloved grandad only 12 weeks before my sister and it was an awful time for us all as a family. But over time the grief is nowhere as terrine as it was. My sisters death had a huge impact as we shared a birthday, although we weren't the same age and t took a few years before I would celebrate my own birthday again. I am sorry you are going through this very sad time, but please don't feel you can't post here. You are very welcome. We will all support you as much as we can. Fr the funeral To help me cope my doctor actually gave me a sedative to just get me through the day and I have to say it helped enormously. I did find that there wasnt a lot of thought given to any of our siblings when this happened, the sympathy was all directed to the parents. But we as siblings siblings were all grieving saying that now that I have lost my mum, I am the same as most people on here and found a lot of people who I thought would be supportive are not. I don't knw why they are like this. Maybe they prefer to say nothing rather than say the wrong thing, I just don't know. You have my deepest sympathies.
t875 yes I am ok, but getting a bit agitated as the dreaded days get closer. I am now going though the " two years ago we were getting ready to go on holiday etc " glad you and biscuits finally met up, I won't be coming up there at all now as my sister coming back here, we could of met in the cafe in the little shopping area !
Thinking of you all on this horrible rainy day thanks

NotSwimming Wed 16-Oct-13 12:20:37

Thanks badvoc and I am very sorry you lost your father. I find it so hard to understand why your vicar would behave that way, surely a call or a kind word would be elemental to him.

ssd hi again. I sort of feel like doing something crazy to make people pay attention. Not that I would of course, as I will be too busy putting my 'fine' face on. I read somewhere, maybe even on here that dressing in mourning served a great purpose to the bereaved, allowing them respect and room to be treated with sensitivity. It seems an attractive proposition. I don't think I hate said this on the other thread but I am really sorry for the loss of your mum.

And thank you mummylin, It must have been dreadful to lose your sister and grandfather in such a short period and I am sorry that you have lost your mum. Life can be so cruel, which is why we really need those around us to step in. I think it is brilliant that this thread exists or I might severely try the patience of the few people I feel I can talk to in rl.

I feel as though everything will be ok if the sun manages to come out this afternoon, just a few rays.

Badvoc Wed 16-Oct-13 12:29:30

Thank you.
I had a few tears last night sad
It's supposed to be nice and sunny tomorrow...and I have to take ds1 to his paed appt! Grrr.

waterlego Wed 16-Oct-13 21:57:20

Hello everyone, I'm sorry I haven't been here for a while. Not been online much, but I've missed you lot! I must admit that I haven't read back to catch up on everyone's news, and I'm sorry for that. But please know that I have thought of you all often and wondered how you were all getting along.

A sad welcome to newbies.

notswimming I'm very sorry to read that you have lost both your dad and your brother this year. I can't imagine losing my sibling, my heart goes out to you. And also sorry to see that pe