Have just lost my baby at 25 weeks

(188 Posts)
Sleepathon Sun 25-Aug-13 12:49:40

I am sat with my hubby in hospital and have just been told that baby has died, there is no heartbeat.

I haven't really cried although my hubby is in bits. They are about to give me a tablet which will get things going to induce labour.

This was my first pregnancy. I think I may be in shock cos all I can think of is the practical things. Like cancelling the furniture order which is being delivered on Wednesday. Yesterday we did a massive shop, ordered a travel system, bought bedding, a cuddly toy etc. I have just cancelled an Asda order due for delivery where I had bought some nappies and sudocream etc.

The thing I am dreading is telling the rest of my family and my friends. I hate pity and I hate people feeling sorry for me. My family are all going to want to come round and I don't think I want to see them just yet.

I am scared about how I'm going to feel in the following months. It took us 18 months to conceive. Am I right in thinking I will get full maternity leave as baby is going to be classed as stillborn rather than miscarriage? One of my best friends at work is pregnant. And another has just had her baby.

What am I going to do with all the baby clothes I have bought? sad

Please say a prayer for us.
Any advice on coping is appreciated x

cazzybabs Sun 25-Aug-13 12:51:45

So sorry. I think you need to take one day at a time.

Coconutty Sun 25-Aug-13 12:52:56

Sending you lots of love, sorry you are going through this. Xx

wellieboots Sun 25-Aug-13 12:54:26

so so sorry. Sending love, strength and prayers. Take one day at a time xxxthanks

I very sorry for your loss. sad

ThermoBoy Sun 25-Aug-13 12:58:20

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope the hospital are giving you good support. Take care of yourselves.

So so sorry, yes I think you do get maternity leave, you will certainly be signed off for a while, as long as you need. Allow maybe your parents to take over with all the practical things, I'm sure they'll want to help. Let people do as much as they can so you and your husband can be together and just concentrate on yourselves.

Much much love to you both xx

somersethouse Sun 25-Aug-13 13:00:17

Very, very sorry. sad

Thinking of you flowers

mumofone25 Sun 25-Aug-13 13:00:21

So very sorry for your loss sad

JuliaScurr Sun 25-Aug-13 13:01:31

Oh God, how awful
I'm so sorry
Have you read 'Why bad things happen to good people'?
It might help you
Take it slowly

Chottie Sun 25-Aug-13 13:02:17

So very, very sorry to read your post. x.

SPBisResisting Sun 25-Aug-13 13:03:16

Shit shit im so sorry. How awful.
Do you uave a good friend you trust who coukd do all the practical stuff - cancelling orders, telling others etc

num3onway Sun 25-Aug-13 13:03:45

Didnt want to read and run

Deffently take one day at a time and focus on keeping yourself as well as possible

BitBewildered Sun 25-Aug-13 13:06:02

So sorry sad.

Perhaps one of your family or friends can sort out the practical stuff tomorrow? They will want to help.

xx

fortyplus Sun 25-Aug-13 13:08:34

So sorry. take one day at a time. Don't shut yourself away from your friends who will want to help and support you. Although you don't like pity you shouldn't try to do this on your own.

You'll never 'get over' what has happened but you will get used to it and be able to feel happiness. Ask someone to look after the things you've bought - you won't want to look at them xxx

WibWoo Sun 25-Aug-13 13:08:35

I am so sorry you are facing this. It must be utterly devastating for you both.
I understand your feelings on not wanting to have others around just yet. I wanted to hibernate for quite some time (mine was an early miscarriage) and I have heard the same from others. Maybe ask your partner or one person from the family to tell the people who knew about the pregnancy if it means you don't have to repeat it. Don't be afraid to tell people if you need some time alone/ don't want to talk at this stage. You can change your mind whenever you want.
Keep writing on this board. There are some wonderful, wise women who will help you through this very sad time. Again, I am so sorry.

Purplefrogshoe Sun 25-Aug-13 13:09:34

So very sorry xx

GaryBuseysTeeth Sun 25-Aug-13 13:11:34

So sorry for your loss. flowers

x

AWhistlingWoman Sun 25-Aug-13 13:16:45

Oh sleep - I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your baby.

You might find the SANDS website helpful. They have some pages about entitlement to rights and benefits here http://www.uk-sands.org/support/rights-and-benefits.html and I think that you will be entitled to full maternity leave from my understanding of the page.

There is also a little section about when your baby dies before birth which you might want to read http://www.uk-sands.org/support/when-a-baby-dies-before-labour-begins.html

Another page I found helpful is Whispered Support http://whisperedsupport.blogspot.co.uk/

I lost my first baby too. I remember being frantically worried about paying the mortgage for some reason, I think that when we are in shock and grieving we sometimes on focus on things that we can control?

Most shops are good about taking baby things back under these circumstances, I kept some of my baby's clothes as keepsakes and they are in a special box of her things, others I gave away and yet more I kept in hope for her younger siblings (who did arrive safe and sound in time).

Being the focus of all that pity can feel unbearable. Just remember to be kind to yourself, if you don't want lots of people around just tell people that you aren't ready yet. Easier said than done I know.

I'm so terribly sorry and you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers flowers

AWhistlingWoman Sun 25-Aug-13 13:18:05

Here are the links, so sorry, especially if you are on your phone or at the hospital you won't want to be typing all of that in.

www.uk-sands.org/support/rights-and-benefits.html

www.uk-sands.org/support/when-a-baby-dies-before-labour-begins.html

whisperedsupport.blogspot.co.uk/

MortifiedAdams Sun 25-Aug-13 13:26:29

So so sorry to hear of your loss, and agree woth others. Let your friends and family take care of the practical matters. You and your DP need time and space to greive.

Mine was an early MC, at 11 weeks, and DH and I have not felt sadness like it, amd it seemed to hit in waves.I cant begin to imagine how this will.be for you both but use these Boards as much as you need - they have been a great source of.comfort.

Wrt work - take as much time out as you possibly can. I am in the midst of two and half weeks off, and feel like it will still not be enough. Take as much as you can.

Remember after you get home.to rest as much as is possible. The physical effects of labour are long and pain can be expected for a while aferwards. Have someone do a shop for you to pick up maternity pads, pain killers, easy foods like soup or reasy meals, and I jad bad back ache for a few days after and found the heat pads to really work.

Again, so so sorry. I wish you all the best for the comibg few months xxx

LottieJenkins Sun 25-Aug-13 13:28:30

Dearest sleepathon. I am sending you love and prayers darling. I lost my eldest son Jack at 26 weeks into my pregnancy in 1994. He lived for two hours after he was born and he was baptised by the sister on the SCBU. I was asked if I wanted a picture of him and his hand and footprints which are now kept in a special place. I didn't want to see my family so just my Mum came to see me when I came home. I took our dogs out the next morning and when I got home our GP had been to see me. If you want to talk then please do pm me and I will try and help you. I will remember you all in my prayers. xx xx

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 25-Aug-13 13:30:19

<<Big Hugs>>

One step at a time, one minute at a time - don't think too far forward right now.

You two are the absolute priority here. Focus on the here and now and supporting each other - everyone and everything else can wait.

When you are up to it, call your Mum. If you have a good relationship she should be the first to know - ask her to let others know and tell her what you want her to tell them (please phone/please don't phone or drop by until next week/don't phone or drop by until I get in touch) - whatever you need people to do or not do - phone any friends you want to talk to and do the same.

Some people like all the 'stuff' left where it is, others ask family and friends to put it all away for them.

Some get rid of everything, some keep everything and some do a bit of both - but try not to think about all that right now.

When you get home, if you don't want people calling in, put a note on the door to say something like 'Sorry, we are having some quiet time, please do not knock'.

Big big hugs & much love at this very very sad time
x

Pancakeflipper Sun 25-Aug-13 13:35:17

Oh Sleep.
Use the help available in the coming days, months, years that Awhistlingwoman has brilliantly provided. There's stories here that will help ( and make you cry) but the support here is amazing. Don't be afraid to ask questions. People are so kind in sharing and helping.

I am so so sorry for you and your husband. Will pray for you and your baby and will be thinking of you.

rosyryan Sun 25-Aug-13 13:36:42

I'm so very, very sorry Sleepathon.

Silverfoxballs Sun 25-Aug-13 13:44:17

I'm very sorry for you op, I lost a pg at 14 weeks and it is very hard.
I had to get my DH to tell family and then shut myself away for a few weeks.

I will say a prayer for your beautiful baby and you and your DH.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sun 25-Aug-13 13:47:24

So sorry to hear this..this happened to my friend very recently, so hard for you

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sun 25-Aug-13 13:50:30

I'm so sorry flowers

lotsofcheese Sun 25-Aug-13 13:51:22

I'm so very, very sorry that this has happened. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. Just wanted to say that I'll be thinking of you over the next wee while.

countingdown Sun 25-Aug-13 13:52:30

Thoughts are with you.

PicardyThird Sun 25-Aug-13 13:54:10

Oh, you poor darling. I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your baby.

Take things a step at a time. Concentrate now on getting through the labour and delivering your precious child. The rest, sadly, will still be there after that.

Have said a prayer for you.

Sleepathon Sun 25-Aug-13 14:24:36

Thank you all for your kind words.

We have just got home. Don't really know what to do with myself. Feel like I want to clean the house top to bottom. Will phone my mum shortly. She's gonna be devastated! Still haven't really cried and I'm not sure this is normal.

I'm really dreading the labour. I'm dreading the next few days.

PicardyThird Sun 25-Aug-13 15:48:21

Normal is whatever you feel and however you react. I expect you're in shock. Who wouldn't be? flowers Our minds have ways of cushioning us from the impact of the worst when there is still 'business' to be got through. I lost a recognisable baby at home and went to bed emotionless after. I still had to take it in to hospital and submit to an ERPC the next day. For an event that is as devastating as the one you face, there is no one way our psyches process it, because there is no processing really, only survival, and then very slow and stony recovery.

All you can do is look after yourself as much as possible. Perhaps your dh can phone your mum if you don't feel up to it. Again, I am so, so sorry.

Weegiemum Sun 25-Aug-13 15:54:40

I'm so sorry for your loss.
There is no "normal" just now, just do whatever you need to get through.

I worked for Boots in the baby department (when I was a student aeons ago) and if there was ever the need like yours to cancel an order it was dealt with without question, I'm sure you'll be shown compassion.

We will pray for you here xx

Littlepumpkinpie Sun 25-Aug-13 15:56:16

Oh sweetie (((HUGS))) I lost my baby@26 weeks almost 16 years ago she was also born sleeping. One piece of advice hold love and cherish the time you spend with baby once its born. Its the only chance you will get and take pictures lots of them I only have 4 and so wish I had more.
Ok something else your not going to think of but a tiny outfit to fit a 25weeker will be hard to find not anymore there is a lovely lady on fb its called Lisa's stars she has 100's of people all over the UK making tiny outfits for this. Take care thinking of you xxxx

BeQuicksieorBeDead Sun 25-Aug-13 16:10:53

sleep I am so sorry to hear this...my thoughts are with you.

You are entitled to full maternity leave and benefits, as far as I know. That is what I have been told by my employer in the past. Don't worry about work anyway, no one reasonable would expect you to go back anytime soon, and I would advise you to not rush back - I did, and it took me much longer to get over the grief. I thought throwing myself back in to work would help, but I went into a kind of zombie state for months and I was the only one who thought I was coping well - looking back, I did myself no favours. Take your time and be as nice to yourselves as you can.

Oh sleep, I'm so sorry. As others have said, there is no 'normal'. I'm sure you will cry when you need to. Try to look after yourself & your partner & don't ever feel like how your feeling is wrong. X

lucidlady Sun 25-Aug-13 16:17:00

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you x

Libertine73 Sun 25-Aug-13 16:20:05

Oh love, I'm so so sorry xx

It's very normal for it to take a while to hit you. I felt numb for days when it happened to me.
I later described it as a protection mechanism.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sun 25-Aug-13 17:00:44

Oh my lovely I am so very sorry xx

Pawprint Sun 25-Aug-13 17:21:51

So very sorry, xx

motherinferior Sun 25-Aug-13 17:33:15

I am so very sorry.

DisappointedHorse Sun 25-Aug-13 17:36:52

I am so sorry. Be kind to yourself and do whatever it takes to get through, people will understand.

BIWI Sun 25-Aug-13 17:43:47

Sorry to hear this. Don't be hard on yourself, and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. After my miscarriage I felt remarkably calm. But I felt guilty for feeling like that. There is no right or wrong way to feel! But please let other people help you, and let them take care of you

flowers

PrincessKitKat Sun 25-Aug-13 17:47:08

Im so very, very sorry Sleepathon.

I will say a prayer for you and your little one xx

Doobydoo Sun 25-Aug-13 17:52:35

I am so sorry. I have never been through this.My dd was born at 34 weeks and died at 2 weeks.It is a long road.You will get through it....we are all here and your partner and you need to be together and able to grieve.Iam sending love to both of you.xx

Sleepathon Sun 25-Aug-13 18:01:26

Have told close family. Wasn't actually too bad. Me and DH are being very matter of fact. Have cancelled baby furniture set and they've processed refund.
Mum and brother are coming round tonight for a couple of hours. I'm actually looking forward to seeing them.

The only thing that is worrying me is the cause of babys hear stopping. And I wonder if we will conceive again and will we be able to carry term?

I would like to hear of instances where people have had healthy babies after a stillbirth x

Pancakeflipper Sun 25-Aug-13 18:22:53

Hi Sleep

A close friend of ours had a baby stillborn and when they felt able to try again she was pregnant within 3months and their baby/pregnancy had no problems ( she was monitored well and felt well supported overall) and the baby is now a very spirited toddler.

Also a colleague lost her baby at the same stage as you and she has twins now ( conceived naturally).

Do mention these things to the hospital team. They will talk you through things.

AWhistlingWoman Sun 25-Aug-13 18:28:28

Glad that your mum and brother are coming around to support you and your DH.

My baby was not stillborn, she died from complications associated with prematurity, but I did conceive again and carried to term. The care I received from the hospital was very good in my subsequent pregnancy. I'm sure that, when you are ready, you will be able to have a meeting with one of the consultants to talk through what may have happened to your baby and to put a care plan in place for the future?

There is lots of support on the SANDS website for subsequent pregnancies and many stories from parents who have lost a baby under many different circumstances.

My heart goes out to you and your husband, been thinking of you and your family this afternoon.

PollyLogos Sun 25-Aug-13 18:56:53

I am so very sorry, you and your husband will be in my thoughts.

Doobydoo Sun 25-Aug-13 19:11:42

As an ex neonatal and paediatric nurse and also having friends who have experienced still birth I know hundreds of peoplewho have carried and delivered healthy babies!...there will be plenty of people on here to tell you their experiences and to give you advice.xxxx

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 25-Aug-13 20:23:09

Big Hugs
x

There are quite a few posters on MN who have gone on to have another baby after a stillbirth. Hopefully some of them will see your thread and feel able to talk to you. One of them I remember very well had had a lot of trouble getting pregnant the first time (I think about 3 years) but got pregnant within a few months the next time - pretty much as soon as they started trying again, so no, it doesn't mean it will take you a long time again, once you are ready.

Everyone is different, there isn't any normal or any 'right' way to grieve or to go forward from this - just listen to your hearts and follow them.

Lots of love
x

miemohrs Sun 25-Aug-13 20:45:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bazoo23 Sun 25-Aug-13 21:01:27

I am so sorry. There are no words. Thinking of you and your precious angel tonight.

My friend had a little girl early last year at 27 weeks born sleeping, no explanation. She now has a three week old son, she was scanned monthly and induced a week early purely as a precaution and everything went fine.

Prayers and hugs.

Katie6391 Sun 25-Aug-13 22:53:10

I am currently hibernating after losing my baby at 12+5 weeks a week ago. I am so so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself and do whatever feels right each day and take each day at a time. Give yourself time for your body to recover, you have been through a lot. My thoughts are with you and please don't lose hope that you will have a baby soon.

LaydeeJayne Sun 25-Aug-13 23:00:38

Wishing you lots of strength to get through this xx

imip Sun 25-Aug-13 23:08:13

I could have written your post almost 8 years ago op. I lost my first baby at 25 weeks after taking 18 months to fall pregnant.

Don't worry if you are focussing on the practical things, your just doing what you need to do to cope.

I didn't read the full thread as I only have a short window to post, but take lots of photos and spend as much time as you can with your precious baby.

Like you two close friends were pregnant. It was hard, they didn't understand, we are no longer in contact. Some people are great at understanding, others suck.

Sands were my lifeline when I lost my daughter. I still am in contact with friends I made though sands all that time ago.

I have gone on to have 4 healthy dds. They do not diminish how much I love my first daughter. Not a day goes by when I don't think of her.

Wishing you peace over the coming minutes, hours, days and weeks ((xxx)))

imip Sun 25-Aug-13 23:08:50

Sorry, yes you are entitled to maternity leave.

BeaWheesht Sun 25-Aug-13 23:14:30

I'm so sorry for your loss

Nessalina Sun 25-Aug-13 23:23:17

So sorry for your loss, it's just an awful thing to happen thanks
You are entitled to full maternity leave and maternity pay, so definitely take your time and be kind to yourself. Glad to hear you have a lovely supportive family xx

bluebump Sun 25-Aug-13 23:38:01

I'm so sorry to hear this. I too lost my first baby, I was 22 weeks pregnant, he lived for less than 10 minutes. I second the posts above that said take photos and spend as much time with your baby as you want.

I went on to have a healthy DS 12 months later.

I hope the coming few days go as well as they can, I'll be thinking of you xx

TaytoCrisp Mon 26-Aug-13 00:47:40

Oh sleep, this is dreadful, I am so sorry and am thinking of you and your husband.

You may be asked whether you would like a photo taken of your baby; footprints and a memory box (eg with hospital wrist band, certificate showing birth date, little knitted hat etc). I would recommend agreeing To this - it is better to have these things to remember your little one - even if you are still in shock and not sure about anything.

I think it is important to look after yourself and your partner now - it is totally understandable if you don't want many visitors.

You should be entitled to maternity leave (I think it comes into effect from 24 weeks on)

It will be really hard coming across anything you have brought for the baby...although the odds are still in your favour of having a baby in the future ( don't lose hope) it is still so difficult with other pregnant people as they remind you of your terrible loss.

I would be very gentle with yourself with regard to seeing pregnant friends etc. take your time before visiting and don't feel you have to go - your friends should understand.

Take care my friend. I am thinking of you.

DaleyBump Mon 26-Aug-13 00:55:07

Oh sleep sad

I am so, so sorry this is happening to you. I have no advice but here's a hand to hold flowers

I am so sorry that this is happening to you xx
I lost my first baby at 24 weeks, he was stillborn too. His 8th birthday is coming up soon. I then went on to have 2 children, now aged 6 and 3. I was well supported during subsequent pregnancies.
I recommend the SANDS forum as a place to find others. It was my lifeline.
I only really had clothes but I kept them in the drawer they were in. My baby's little brother and sister wore them as they would have done had he lived. It gave me comfort to use those things.
Please take lots of photos of your baby. I never thought to and only have 2 polaroids of him on his own. I wish I had more.
Be kind to yourself. And yes, you get maternity leave rights at 25 weeks. I only had a few weeks off but that was mainly because I couldn't face being alone so went back early.

Sleepathon Mon 26-Aug-13 06:21:01

Another day beckons!

Up quite early said a few prayers for my little angel. One thing this has done has brought me and DH together. We both climbed into bed and watched tv and talked till very late last night.

Mum is coming round again today I'm looking forward to it. Have discussed funeral etc. We are going to get him buried at the same cemetery my little sister is at (mum had a stillbirth 20+ odd years ago). He is called Ibrahim by the way :-)

Already starting to feel not pregnant, it's wierd. Bump doesn't feel as full and my pregnancy acne is clearing!! Must be the tablets and falling hormones?

Just thinking about work. I may be better taking sick leave and see how I get on from there. Does anybody know if this will be possible or will I have to have maternity leave? it will be something to speak to my boss about.

Thankyou all for your words and prayers. It is nice hearing happy stories and eventualities. We are definitely going to get hand and foot prints. And keep a little memories box with his scan pictures etc.

sparklingstars Mon 26-Aug-13 06:26:56

I am so sorry. Use all the help that is offered and do what you need to do for your husband. Remember that a hug can be worth a thousand words when you don't know what to say to each other.
Be kind to yourself.

sparklingstars Mon 26-Aug-13 06:27:26

I hit send to soon 'do what you need to do for your husband and you' was what I meant.

Happydust Mon 26-Aug-13 06:31:05

I am so so sorry for your loss, words can't help at this time.
Huge prayers for you all xxxx

twinsister Mon 26-Aug-13 06:33:47

what a gorgeous name. Thinking of you and your family and the beautiful boy you've lost. x

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Mon 26-Aug-13 06:35:33

Ibrahim is a beautiful name.

Themarriedwoman Mon 26-Aug-13 06:40:02

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son, Ibrahim.
I lost my first and then went on to have three. I also received such excellent support.
I wish you peace and strength.

imip Mon 26-Aug-13 07:34:06

Please take maternity leave. I believe if you take sick leave you will lose your rights to maternity leave. It's better to take a bit too much leave than not enough. You'll need more time than you think you may need at the moment, if that makes sense...

If anyone tells you are not entitled to maternity leave, they are wrong. The sands website has all the info. Your partner is also eligible for 2 weeks parental leave. The a look around the sands website, it gives a lot of information for parents (because you are a parent) in your position. If you have a special blanket, you could take that to swaddle ibrahim with.

Sands also have some pregnancy after loss groups, which may help you once you've had a chance to clear your head and contemplate the next steps.

Keep focussing on the practical, get your head around what you can while you can. I hope that makes sense. Before my daughter was born, I was serene. Serene in labour even. Medical staff did not think I had grasped my daughter had died. Of course I had, but I was with her only a short safe of time and I made the most of it.

In the coming period of time, question your drs for reasons. Car e in a future pregnancy etc. I know this sounds daft, but it gives you something practical to focus on.

My thoughts are with you. Ibrahim is a beautiful name. I'll try to check this thread throughout the day, so feel free to ask any questions.

Ps, during labour, I was offered a number of drugs that would have clearly altered my state of mind eg, morphine, heroin (yes, seriously). I had an epidural. If like me, you hadn't thought seriously about what labour would entail, it was all a bit of a shock. I chose an epidural so I would remain coherent and spend the best possible time I could with my daughter.

MortifiedAdams Mon 26-Aug-13 08:21:54

Another one seconding Maternity Leave.

Please take this instead of sick leave. Then you aee not worrying about length of time.off etc.

RufousBartleby Mon 26-Aug-13 08:42:52

OP, Im so sorry for the loss of your precious boy. My sister went through similar and though it will be with her for the rest of her life she went on to have two healthy children.
Please take maternity leave though, you are going to be on an emotional rollercoaster and the real lows might come later than you expect. You should take all the time you need with no pressure.
A hug and a prayer for you, dh and your dear boy.

Sleepathon Mon 26-Aug-13 09:37:59

Thank you all.

The reason we are thinking sick leave will be better is that I will get a better payment for it, it's 6 months full pay and then 6 months half pay.

Whereas maternity pay is 2 months full pay, then 4 months half pay + smp then 3 months just smp then nothing. Is it wrong to be thinking about the money?

Also if miracles do happen and we get pregnant say in 6/12/18 months time then I will again get full maternity leave entitlements whereas if intake maternity leave now I will have to go back to work for a certain period.

Please tell me your thoughts? Thank you

Nessalina Mon 26-Aug-13 10:28:19

ISWYM Sleep, and inevitably your brain is going to switch to practical mode right now, so don't feel bad about thinking about the money, it's very sensible. You have a lot of emotion to come, so thinking practical is good.
Ok, so if you take Sick, then as far as I know you waive your right to full maternity for Ibrahim (beautiful name), but you'd need to check that with work HR. If you take sick, then as you say, you'll get a year full, and six months part, but sick leave is very different to mat leave. On sick leave you'll have contact from work, and home visits after a certain point, and your doctor will need to periodically assess you to renew your sick note. The sickness absence will go on your permanent record, which may (or may not) cause issues down the line with promotion/new job, and you may feel assessed/judged/threatened by the prospect of having to return to work early. But, if you have a thick skin, then the cash is much better, plus as you say, you'd instantly qualify for mat leave if you fell pregnant again within the year.
If you take mat leave, you are entitled to a year of absolute privacy. No assessments, nothing, just a year off no questions asked, starting tomorrow. But, as you know, you will only get 2/3 months full, then 6 months half/stat pay, so basically 3/4 months less pay over the year. If you conceive then, yes, you would have to go back to work for 3months to qualify for another mat leave.
The thing is though, if you start as mat leave, and go back to work after 9 months, if you still feel unable to work, then you can take sick at that point. If you start as sick, I'm pretty sure you can't then switch to maternity. I'd say call in tomorrow to your boss, give them the facts, you have miscarried and will not be in, but that you need to speak to HR and your doctor to confirm the next steps.
Sorry, that was war & peace but I hope it helps a bit.
Good luck hun, stay strong xx

imip Mon 26-Aug-13 10:54:58

Wow sleep, you sick provision is pretty decent and I can see the attraction to take sick. I am going to echo everything nessalina says, you will lose your maternity leave if you take sick straight away and you cannot get it back. I think also a dr will need to sign you off long term sick and you won't neccescarily find a dr who may do that for as long as you wish.

Good to focus on the practical stuff, you may find it difficult soon, so you have your options. If you take maternity straight away, at least you are still getting two months full pay and you could change your mind if you feel like it down the track. Other things with maternity leave is you keep your holiday entitlement etc, so perhaps you could take holidays to keep financial. Perhaps at this stage it is good to have explored your options and to keep them open tO make firm decisions in the coming days and weeks.

Money, while important, may not seem so important in the next few months. I feel pregnant v quickly after I lost my daughter (10.5 months between my first daughter and my first surviving daughter).

Wishing you the best sleep, I'll log in a little later today xxx

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood Mon 26-Aug-13 11:39:29

So so sorry this has happened.

The problems with the sick leave option are

The difficulty you may encounter getting a doctor to sign you off sick for so long. However sympathetic they are to you they won't be allowed to sign you off sick if you are not. So you would be embarking on this course of action with a lack of certainty about duration.

The possible right your employer has to get you to see their own doctor if you are on long term sick.

The right your employer has to expect you to keep in touch with them if you are in sick v the absolute right to be undisturbed if on maternity leave.

You can't change to maternity leave after the sick leave whereas you can go sick after maternity leave.

The fact that when considering future redundancies/promotion your employer has a right to consider sickness records. But not periods of maternity leave.

Some of this has already been canvassed above.

Ultimately only you can decide what it best. Hugs to you and your DP.

sparklingstars Mon 26-Aug-13 12:15:07

Re the sick leave/maternity leave, the SANDs website says this:

• Sick Leave. A miscarriage is a pregnancy-related sickness. Your employer
must not dismiss or treat you less favourably because you have a
pregnancy-related sickness, even if you have only just started working there.
The time you have off will not count towards your sickness record (though
any sick pay you get will be counted) and is not time-limited. You need to
get a Fit note (previously called a Sick note) from your GP.

sparklingstars Mon 26-Aug-13 12:17:39

I think that you might find that your maternity leave has already started, I believe that it starts automatically when your baby is born.

Sleepathon Mon 26-Aug-13 13:40:37

It's good to look at the pros and cons. I have a feeling I may have no choice and that Maternity leave will automatically start from tomorrow.

If I take maternity leave for a few months then am I going to be entitled to take sick leave pretty much straight afterwards or will I need to go to work for a few days/ week ect?

Family are all round again today. Feels nice and normal to be sat having a brew. Mum has cooked lots of nice food. And we are all talking bout the practicalities of tomorrow.

Brother and brother in law are sorting out all the funeral arrangements so we don't have to worry about that. Hope the labour etc doesnt take too long tomorrow and that it is easy.

Keep talking to me it really helps x

imip Mon 26-Aug-13 13:51:56

Sleep, I think you'll need to be signed of by a dr to get sick leave. It won't be something that you can take of your own volition, not for a good length of time anyway. This would be the case irrespective of whether you retook maternity leave or not. I stand to be corrected, but I think I have got it right.

I went to work 9 weeks after I lost my daughter. I was in a different work place and no one knew what happened, that helped a lot. From what I have seen (I'm still involved with sands), this is an early return to work. But everyone is different.

There are some things that perhaps you won't be ready for. Your milk may come in once you've had the baby. This can be hard, it certainly was a. Very difficult time for me. They can give you drugs to suppress the milk, however I was not offered this. It's a rough road you're heading down but your family sound very supportive and you'll need to lean them. I had post traumatic stress disorder afterwards. This is common, and a good reason to take maternity leave so that you have the opportunity to feel completely healed before you return to work. I say completely, however, I think losing a baby will always be with you, but you will find zest for life again.
(((Xxxx))))

MortifiedAdams Mon 26-Aug-13 14:09:00

OP if I were you I would take at least the six months Mat Leave. Then, should you wish, you could add on the remainder as sick pay.

Sleepathon Mon 26-Aug-13 14:19:15

They have told me about the tablet that will stop breast milk I am defo going to take it.

TaytoCrisp Mon 26-Aug-13 14:47:33

I imagine that mat leave will have started automatically, though I can't see any reason why you would not be able to take sick leave straight after if you really need it.

Good that everyone is around.

I delivered my little boy at 23 weeks , I opted for epidural and anything else they would give me. Don't be afraid to let them know what you need.

Thinking of you xxx

sad So so sad, how awful. Thinking of you op, glad you have your family around you xxx

Silverfoxballs Mon 26-Aug-13 14:56:35

I had almost 16 weeks off on sick leave but my baby arrived at 14 weeks so I wasn't entitled to maternity leave.

If your in a union speak to them when you feel up to it. Maybe you could go on sick leave after maternity leave, I am just speculating.

Glad your Mum has got over to you and your getting lots of support from your family.

Xxx

LadyMedea Mon 26-Aug-13 15:09:49

Just to say there is no minimum return to work time if you become pregnant on maternity leave - not for statutory anyway and I doubt for occupational as it wouldn't make much sense. Also if you atent fit t return to work at the end then you can be signed off by your doctor. So don't worry about using up you may leave entitlement. Just remember you may also want to return to work after a few months.... It's a good distraction.

I am so sorry for your loss. xxxx

Candyliongirl Mon 26-Aug-13 17:40:43

Crikey. I could have written all this just a week ago. I lost my little girl Lyra at 24 weeks on the 16th of August and am in utter limbo. I have a little girl who is nearly 3 and its heartbreaking that she was so keen to be a big sister but such a comfort to have her and she is really keeping us going through this tough time. I have decided to take mat leave as I didn't want to be assessed by a dr or have someone dictate when I should go back if I'm not ready. I also wanted to be left alone.

Take the Mat leave, you don't want to rush back, you can always cut the leave short if you want and just take the paid option.
I lost my DS at 23 weeks so it wasn't an option for me and I was back after a couple of weeks which was hard.

ThermoBoy Mon 26-Aug-13 18:54:03

I agree with LadyMedea and SauvignonBlanche.
Candyliongirl and SauvignonBlanche - am so sorry to hear of your losses.

ThermoBoy Mon 26-Aug-13 18:55:32

And TaytoCrisp and everyone else on this thread who has suffered a loss.

SoulTrain Mon 26-Aug-13 18:58:30

I'm so sorry for your loss and will be thinking of you a this truly horrendous time xx

tinypumpkin Mon 26-Aug-13 19:03:00

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I understand the wanting to hide thing, I did too. Please do take any support that is offered (if it feels right for you). You will find who it is that you will want to talk to if you do want to talk. For me it was often in unexpected places.

There are no right and wrong ways to feel, everyone is different. I am not sure if we are allowed to comment on other forums but there are specific baby loss forums if you would like to talk there. I lost my twin DD at 29 weeks (one survived) and would be happy to talk if you want to do so via PM.

I hope the coming days are as manageable as possible. You may have a bereavement midwife in your hospital, it might be worth asking as they can be a huge help too.

tinypumpkin Mon 26-Aug-13 19:04:18

I realise that I did not answer your question. DD1 was not stillborn but was a neonatal death. I did go on to have a healthy pregnancy with DD3 who I carried for 38 weeks. She is my rainbow baby.

tinypumpkin Mon 26-Aug-13 19:06:48

So truly sorry Candylion girl for the loss of your little girl, Lyra. Happy to chat via PM if you ever want to.

Sorry, I didn't answer either.
Ds2 was followed the year later by DD who is now a healthy teenager.
God bless you and your DH.

Nessalina Mon 26-Aug-13 19:15:17

Sauvignon, how come you went back after a couple of weeks? Was that your decision, or was there work pressure, or did your sick note run out? You can't have been entitled to mat leave but if you had been, in hindsight, would you have taken it? Your case seems very relevant potentially to the OP as she is considering sick as an alternative to maternity, thinking she can take up to a year, but you had to take sick, and you didn't get much time at all, so just interested in what happened in your case.
So sad to hear of all the losses suffered on this thread, I just don't know how I'd have coped in your situations. Xx

Sleepathon Mon 26-Aug-13 20:12:19

Sorry for all your losses too.

I am feeling surprisingly ok today! I'm sure there will be good days and bad days but I am determined to stay positive whatever the future holds. I would say that I am a glass half-full kind of person anyway!

Have seen that there are specific forums and threads for these kind of things, still waiting for Sands to authorise my account!

Wish me all the best for tomorrow.
X

tinypumpkin Mon 26-Aug-13 20:17:00

Glad to hear that today is a better day Sleepathon. I will be thinking of you and your family tomorrow.

Sands and the lovely people there have been a lifeline for me. I hope that you find some good support there too.

Pleased to hear that Sleepathon smile
In answer to you Nessalina, I missed qualifying for NHS Mat leave by one week and it just didn't occur to me to go off sick. As previously explained I just felt numb. After DS2's funeral I just had an overwhelming desire to get back to 'normal'.
Someone at work questioned as to wether I should be back so soon and I was annoyed by it, they probably had a point though.
Sadly my DSis has just lost her DD at 37 weeks and is now on Mat leave so has no pressure about sick notes etc.

Nessalina Mon 26-Aug-13 20:39:28

Gosh, how awful! sad Sorry to hear that Sauvignon, and best wishes to your DSis.
Good luck for tomorrow Sleep, I hope all goes as quickly and as painlessly as is possible xx

Bumblebee78 Mon 26-Aug-13 20:45:45

I wish i had something profound or some magic words to make this tragic situation better for you. I don't really know what to say, but don't want to not say anything. Im thinking of you and your husband at this sad time and hope with each others love and support you can get through it. X

TaytoCrisp Mon 26-Aug-13 20:53:45

Great that you feel ok sleep. It sounds like you are surrounded by love which is what you need.

Just to mention, I was in a very similar situation to sauvignon and as our baby boy also came at 23 weeks I did not have any mat leave entitlement. I had a very short break from work as, like Sauvignon, I wanted to try "to get back to normal" soon after, and didn't really think about extending sick leave. I can be flexible in work do that was ok. However, I think formal mat leave Is better in terms of acknowledging the great loss you have experienced. And you can see how you feel as time passes whether you need to take sick leave. I am sure work is the last thing you want to think about now so the most important thing is to do what you feel is best and easiest for you.

So sorry to ready of other peoples losses here too, its just rubbish.

Thinking of you sleep.

cantsleep Mon 26-Aug-13 21:03:19

So sorry to hear your very sad news.

I can only echo what another person said in that you do not ever get over something like this but you do learn to live with it. That will seem impossible at the moment but it is true nd something to be reassured by when it feels so so bad right now.

I lost my first and to begin with put his things away and could not look at them. Now I often get that little box out and look at the photos, cuddle his teddy and think about him, often with tears but also sometimes with happiness that I once knew him.

Take care of yourself. I am thinking of you xxx

theboutiquemummy Mon 26-Aug-13 21:08:53

So very sorry for your loss praying for you and your DH x

Sleepathon Mon 26-Aug-13 21:47:16

Can I ask those that have gone through this, how long did you stay at the hospital after the birth?

I was induced in the morning, delivered in the afternoon and went home the same evening. I could have stayed overnight but was keen to get home - nurses don't make good patients!
Take an overnight bag and just see how it goes, also take all the pain relief on offer.

TaytoCrisp Mon 26-Aug-13 23:07:51

One night. Though tough leaving hospital with just a white "memory box". :-(.

Xxx

imip Mon 26-Aug-13 23:46:20

One night for me also. I kept my baby girl with me that night.

I'm glad they told you what to expect re: breast feeding.

Wishing you lots of strength for tomorrow. Post when you can and let us know how you are going. Xxx

Sleepathon Tue 27-Aug-13 09:38:14

Have phoned hospital this morning to confirm the time to go in however they've asked me to stay put as the room I need is in use.

But annoying however better to be waiting at home than there.

imip Tue 27-Aug-13 10:04:35

That's quite sad sleep. I suspect that the room you are meant to be using is a specifically designed room for women who have lost babies. Most hospitals have one, it probably means someone has lost a baby.

It is probably better to wait it out at home for a bit.

When you have a baby prematurely you need to labour less as you don't need to get to 10cm. It took me 6 hours to have my daughter, however, I was a little different as I had a a cord prolapse.

Thinking of you x

ThermoBoy Tue 27-Aug-13 10:19:06

Thinking of you Sleepathon. Xx

sparklingstars Tue 27-Aug-13 10:21:24

Thinking of you, and anybody else who has had the same experience.

Sleepathon Tue 27-Aug-13 12:27:41

Midwife rang for us to come in so at hospital now. I am calm.

imip Tue 27-Aug-13 12:37:58

Best wishes (((xxx))))

bemybebe Tue 27-Aug-13 12:38:11

Hugs and hand holding.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Tue 27-Aug-13 12:54:01

I'm thinking of you. Being calm will help.

Take whatever time they offer you with Ibrahim, have lots of cuddles (if you can) and photos taken, hand and footprints are usually an option too.

I'm sorry to hear your Mum had a stilbirth too and you lost your little sister, but hopefully it will bring you some comfort that she understands what you are going through.

I'm pleased you have so much RL support & they are helping with all the arrangements that need to be made.

Love & strength.
xx

PollyLogos Tue 27-Aug-13 14:47:23

Thinking of you x

TaytoCrisp Tue 27-Aug-13 14:54:16

Sending you a big hug xxx

AFishWithoutABicycle Tue 27-Aug-13 15:01:43

I too hate too much sympathy and people seem to feel forcing you to cry in public is a good thing, so if I was you I'd mentally prepare a few statements such as - 'you've been so supportive but I feel like I should be allowed to grieve in my own way'. If people don't know how to support you ask them to do the practical things like taking clothes back for you. It will make them feel helpful and not shut out.
Big hugs.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Tue 27-Aug-13 15:48:52

Thinking of you here OP and thinking of Ibrahim too. x

DaleyBump Tue 27-Aug-13 16:33:14

Thinking of you, your DH and little Ibrahim (beautiful name) today Sleep flowers

Thinking of you flowers

larlemucker Tue 27-Aug-13 20:43:39

Thinking of you and you DP. You are in my prayers ��

Ledkr Tue 27-Aug-13 20:52:21

I just cannot imagine your pain. I'm so sorry and will also be thinking of you all.
Useless words but I couldn't just read it and go.

tinypumpkin Tue 27-Aug-13 20:52:44

I have been thinking of you today, your DP and your beautiful Ibrahim. No words but much love (if I can say that on MN) .

MargueriteA Tue 27-Aug-13 20:57:36

Thinking of you and your Ibrahim x

PistachioTruffle Tue 27-Aug-13 21:12:10

I'm so sorry for your loss, thinking of you, your family and Ibrahim flowers

Hopingforno2 Tue 27-Aug-13 21:32:24

Thinking of you all flowers

fedupofrainydays Tue 27-Aug-13 22:24:09

Just read this post and cried my eyes out. Hope you are ok sleep. Saying prayers tonight for you three xxxxx

ratbagcatbag Tue 27-Aug-13 22:32:59

Thinking of you flowers

Thinking of you all tonight sleep. flowers

kohl Wed 28-Aug-13 00:21:48

Am so sorry, thinking of you and have said a prayer.x

Just seen the thread and thinking of you too, so so sorry for your loss

SisterMatic Wed 28-Aug-13 00:51:32

Thinking of you and your family, I am so sorry for your loss x

thinking of you and your dh x

Thinking of you and your husband. Take very great care x

Sleepathon Wed 28-Aug-13 02:24:28

Well he is the most beautiful little boy I have ever seen. He looks so peaceful. Got all of his dads features, long fingers, big feet and hairy ears!

We are having lots of cuddles and it feels nice. Don't want to waste the opportunity! Have said lots of prayers to him. Can't stop looking at him...

My gorgeous sleeping angel. He is getting buried tomorrow near his auntie, she'll keep an eye on him.

Thank you all xxx

LinusVanPelt Wed 28-Aug-13 03:10:49

Ibrahim sounds wonderful smile Congratulations on delivering your beautiful baby. You have given him a gorgeous name, and I'm glad that you'll have memories of cuddles and nice feelings meeting him.

I am so, so sorry that you're going to have to say goodbye. It's so unfair. You will always have him in your heart, and the thought of him being with his auntie is lovely too.

Wishing you lots of strength and support in the days ahead. x

Secretswitch Wed 28-Aug-13 03:49:54

Dear Sleep, my heart is aching for you and your husband. Ibrahim sounds like a beautiful baby boy. I will pray for you all. I wish I had words to soothe and comfort you. Sending love and hugs..xx

BeaWheesht Wed 28-Aug-13 07:02:34

He sounds adorable.

Much love

fedupofrainydays Wed 28-Aug-13 07:25:26

He sounds so lovely and so precious. Hope you know that he goes straight to heaven and you will meet him again one day xx

imip Wed 28-Aug-13 07:29:03

((((Sleep))))) give him a lifetimes worth of cuddles. Congratulations on delivering your baby boy. Make the most of this short time with your whole family. Peace and love to you and your dh. When you have the chance, please feel free to post all the details of your labour if you wish to share.

Love imip xxxx

Munxx Wed 28-Aug-13 07:29:19

I will also say some prayers for you and your family and precious little Ibrahim. Much love. I am so sorry for your loss.

toffeelolly Wed 28-Aug-13 07:53:57

Thinking of you and your husband in the coming weeks. Your little angel will always be with you. Take care xxx

LottieJenkins Wed 28-Aug-13 16:33:45

For Ibrahim and his mummy and daddy

Too Soon - Mary Yarnall

This was a life that had hardly begun
No time to find your place in the Sun
No time to do all you could have done
But we loved you enough for a lifetime

No time to enjoy the world and it's wealth
No time to take life down off the shelf
No time to sing the songs of yourself
Though you had enough love for a lifetime

Those who live long endure sadness and tears
But you'll never suffer the sorrowing years
No betrayal, no anger, no hatred, no fears
Just love - Only love - In your lifetime.

Mary Yarnall

Pinupgirl Wed 28-Aug-13 16:44:42

I am so sorry for the loss of your son op. I have suffered a similar thing and would be more than haopy to chat or offer any advice you may need. Please feel free to pm me.

PGRated Wed 28-Aug-13 16:58:07

Sorry for your loss OP. Your son sounds beautiful. sad

Sleepathon Wed 28-Aug-13 16:59:41

That poem is beautiful :-)

We have so many lovely pictures. His hand and foot prints are perfect.
He is now buried; was sad saying goodbye but feel at peace with it all. Ibrahim has gone to heaven with lots of love and kisses from his mummy and daddy.

Thank you all for the offers of support x

JohFlow Wed 28-Aug-13 17:02:16

Praying that you child makes a smooth transition to the other side. I'm sure they're an angel xxx

tinypumpkin Wed 28-Aug-13 20:19:16

Praying for your and your beautiful son tonight Sleep.

I am glad you have beautiful prints. I have my daughter's prints in a necklace that I wear everyday.

tinypumpkin Fri 30-Aug-13 09:13:50

Just wondering how you are doing Sleep.

Lancashire21 Fri 30-Aug-13 10:01:58

I am so sorry

LottieJenkins Fri 30-Aug-13 10:26:48

I lit a candle for you all and remembered Ibrahim in prayers at church last night. Sending love and hugs xx

HorseyGirl1 Sat 31-Aug-13 21:43:23

So sorry, thinking of you and yours. It will get better, it won't ever be the same but it will get better. With all my heart I promise it will xx

Sleepathon Sun 01-Sep-13 11:06:11

Thanks again for all your support.

The strength I had when I found out the news and through the labour seems to have vanished. I feel lost and very empty. Wish I could kiss and cuddle my little Ibrahim. He shouldn't be on his own right now sad

Feel insanely jealous of all the other mums with children running around. Does this feeling ever go? How am I going to cope with my one of my best friends having her 12 week scan next week?

I keep wondering if there was anything I could have done to prevent this. Me and DH dtd last Fri night, was that the cause?? Why didn't I notice he wasn't moving sooner?

I also think of all the women who have had a stillbirth full term. With all their nurseries ready, shopping done, people asking how baby is. How do you cope with this??

I feel so lost

OliviaMMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 01-Sep-13 11:15:32

Hello
As requested we've moved this to bereavement
Sending love and light to you

When the immediate numbness wears off, the pain begins. I'm so sorry you are going through this. The pain never disappears but it will lessen.
Please don't punish yourself with 'what if's', this was not your fault.

The jealousy is hard but only natural, I used to feel so cross with women smoking over their prams, or when heavily pregnant and for a while you feel that everywhere you look are babies or pregnant women; this too will pass.

My DSis has just lost a baby at term, the nursery was all ready, the pram was under the stairs. Somehow we find the strength to get through these things, I don't know how.

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to hold my baby on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn’t get the chance, would you please hold them on yours and tell them about me?”

Ibrahim is not on his own and neither are you - God bless you x

tinypumpkin Sun 01-Sep-13 21:31:25

I have to agree with SauvignonBlanche. The pain will never leave for me but life gets more manageable. I could not believe this at the time (almost four years ago now) but is true. I won't say that time heals as I am not sure that it does, but things that I found impossible after losing DD don't seem so impossible now. I still miss DD1 and always will.

These are such early days for you, I hope that people are being really supportive in real life. Take each hour as it comes. Thinking of you and your beautiful Ibrahim x

skislope Sun 01-Sep-13 22:45:22

Sending a prayer for you x

imip Mon 02-Sep-13 05:53:24

(((Sleep)))). I remember the pain of seeing other pregnant women so well. This is a really hard time and you just need to do what you need to do to get through each day. If a these involve jealous feelings, don't worry about having them. You are grieving and it is entirely natural. I thought would suffocate with all the pregnant people around me.

For me, the worst of those feelings subsided after the birth of dd1, however, I would never say that they completely went. Even now, when someone blissfully mentions their first pregnancy I feel a little bit of resentment. I am not ashamed to admit it, it hurts. Why couldn't my first pregnancy turn out like that.but I don't feel the bitterness that I used to feel. And thank God, I felt like that bitterness would consume me at times.

Also, you did nothing to cause the death of your baby. But you will always try to find out what you did wrong. You did nothing wrong.

As others have mention, you learn to live with this. It's not easy to get to this point. My daughter would be almost 8 now and I still think of her every day and her younger sisters mention her all the time. She is part of our family, of our 'story'. We've kept her alive in our hearts by including her in our family.

Wishing you and your dh peace....x

Sleepathon Tue 03-Sep-13 20:48:03

This time last week my beautiful son Ibrahim was born asleep.

Life is a bit of a daze right now. Don't know whether I'm coming or going. Can't believe 2013 was my happiest but will also be the saddest year of my life.

If only I could have one more cuddle, one more kiss. If only I could tuck him back into my tummy again and never let him out.

tinypumpkin Tue 03-Sep-13 21:23:28

The if onlys are hard aren't they Sleep. I have been thinking of you and your beautiful boy.

Keep talking to us, we are listening. Wishing it was so very different for all of us who have lost a child.

Sending much love to you and remembering Ibrahim with you.

imip Wed 04-Sep-13 09:50:40

Holding your hand, sleep (xxx). I counted down like that for a long time. One week to the minute that I had my little baby girl, I wrote all about her birth and the events leading up to it. It's tucked away in her memory box and perhaps one day I will be strong enough to read it.

OctopusPete8 Wed 04-Sep-13 09:52:27

So sorry for your loss thanks

will be thinking of you.

you need to do what is right for you by all means tell ppl close but say you're not read to see anyone.

WireCat Wed 04-Sep-13 09:54:24

I am so sorry xxx

dontmixthecolours Wed 04-Sep-13 10:13:36

I'm so sorry that you lost Ibrahim sleep. Please know that the pain will lessen as time goes on. This is all still very fresh and raw and what you are feeling is totally normal

And please take time to grieve and acknowledge your huge loss. Be kind to yourself and do whatever you need too.

My son, Christopher was born at 20 weeks 2 years ago and, as a previous poster said we keep him alive by talking about him with his sisters, he will always be part of our family.

Sending your much love

MyBoysAreFab Wed 04-Sep-13 10:17:24

Sleepathon, I had to post after reading this. Your posts are both heartwrenching and beautiful. My sister-in-law went through what you have.

I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel, but you are bound to go through different stages of grief. Take all the help and support offered and seek it out if you need it. Be kind to yourselves, your beautiful boy will always be there with you. flowers

tinypumpkin Sun 08-Sep-13 20:33:54

How are you doing Sleep? Have been thinking of you, your DH and Ibrahim. Keeping you all in my thoughts.

Sleepathon Mon 09-Sep-13 18:56:24

We are ok thank you tiny.
It'll be 2 weeks since I gave birth tomorrow. I keep doing that, 2 weeks since this happened, 10 days since that, and 3 weeks ago I was blissfully unaware of what was to come and was the happiest person alive.

My friend had her 12 week scan today, I braved it and texted her. It was hard and I am outrageously jealous. I remember having my 12 week scan, funny how I thought I would have been over the worst of any problems after it!

We went to pick up Ibrahim's photos from the hospital on Friday, it wasn't too traumatic. Walked through a waiting room full of pregnant women waiting for various appointments. The worst thing was when I walked outside and saw a very heavily pregnant woman puffing away on a fag. It's the injustice of it all. She's probably going to have a perfectly healthy baby and I don't have anything.

Find it quite difficult to get motivated everyday. Glad I took everyone's advice and now on maternity leave. Already absolutely dreading going backto work. Best I don't think of it for a while...although work had a collection going to send flowers to me, however I have asked them to get the money and send it to a charity (Project Linus - they make patchwork blankets for poorly children)

Sleepathon Mon 09-Sep-13 18:59:00

Oops..

... Ibrahim was wrapped in the most adorable blanket donated by Project Linus.

I know it is still soon but I am so dates if trying for a baby and about wether we will conceive again. It took us so long in the first place. What if I am never meant to have children? TTC was so stressful, not sure i can do it anymore but if we don't try then where is the hope in life?

WeAreSeven Mon 09-Sep-13 19:47:00

Sleep, I am so very sorry for your loss. We lost our daughter to SIDS after she was born prematurely. She lived for seven weeks.

I felt very bitter towards some mothers. I found TV shows like Toddlers and Tiaras very upsetting. dd was my only daughter after four boys and I couldn't understand why those silly women who made their daughters look like mini-adults were allowed to keep their daughters when I had lost mine. I never drank or smoked or did anything wrong during my pregnancy but someone I knew who drank a lot had a fullterm healthy baby. I felt and still feel very jealous of her.

You never get over it but it does get easier to bear. We are almost two years into this horrible journey and it's still hard but nothing like as hard as it was in the first few months.

Most of the Mums I know on MN and outside who lost a baby to stillbirth have gone on to have healthy babies. I can't, sadly but I understand the yearning to get pregnant again.

imip Mon 09-Sep-13 21:52:24

Sleep, don't worry about focussing on trying again, it is completely normal. I think it is a positive thing, though I know how enormously hard it is when you have just had a much-wanted baby. Also, I think a big unspoken topic surrounding this type of bereavement is having sex again.

I think my mil is involved with project Linus, she sent us a quilt for our beautiful girl just before she died. Donating money to a charity is such a positive thing. I Remember a group of my friends banding together and donating to an australian charity (I am australian but live in the uk, I am sooo outing myself!). The thing was two of them were pregnant at the time. I was so touched and amazed as other pregnant friends had been frankly, quite shit.

Well done for contacting your friend who had the scan. Way braver than I would have been! I get cross that hospitals would still make bereaved parents walk through crowded antenatal clinics for appointments.

I hear you about being too scared about ttc, but the alternative, not ever having children, is to unbearable to speak about. And I guess that is where the strength to try again comes from. It is so sad to hear so many women on this thread experiencing baby loss. sad

Do you have any local bereavement groups that you could attend sleep? I am glad that you are comfortable with deciding to go on maternity leave. It is hard to imagine how lost you feel before you have given birth. Thinking of you, dh and Ibrahim x

tinypumpkin Tue 10-Sep-13 20:24:58

Good to hear from you Sleep. I also focused on trying again, as the others have said, it is totally normal.

I think you have done so well texting your friend after her scan and picking up Ibrahim's photos. I hope that the photos are something that you can treasure forever.

I understand the smoking thing, I found that hard to deal with too as we spent a lot of time at the hospital after DD1 died (DD2 survived, her twin). It used to really get to me for the reasons you mentioned. Again, this is totally normal.

Another one who found contacting support groups helpful, simply to be around those who understood. Many have helplines that are great if you find it too hard to go in person (totally understandable).

Keeping you and Ibrahim in my thoughts x

LittleTulip Wed 11-Sep-13 18:18:21

I have name changed as originally had Sleepathon as was so very tired in pregnancy and seems wrong to keep that name now!

Funny how I never quite understood what heartbreak was until this happened. It really does feel like my heart is in a million pieces and the pain sometimes unbearable and stifling. Phoned the bereavement nurse today, I remember when I was given her number during when being induced and I almost scoffed thinking I won't need her! Well I don't quite know what to expect from the nurse but there's no harm in it?

Received a card from somebody at work today. I don't really know her, she's just somebody in my department. Anyway she wrote that she found herself in my position 8 years ago and that she knew how I felt. She lost her baby at 23 weeks too and 18 months later she had a healthy baby. I found it really comforting to know that somebody nearby had gone through the same.

Reading other threads and posts on here also help me feel connected too - if only it is by grief..

It's surprising how many people go through something like this. I remember my brother's ex-girlfriend getting in touch when I lost DS2 and I found out she had also lost a baby late in pregnancy.
I found her complete understanding very comforting and when I heard that this happened to a former colleague I made sure I got in touch.

tinypumpkin Wed 11-Sep-13 19:43:27

I understand about the name change LittleTulip, I did the same elsewhere after losing DD1. I couldn't bear to be associated with that name anymore.

I hope that the nurse is supportive and can listen to you. I am glad that a colleague has been able to offer you some comfort too. Like you, I also appreciated hearing from those who had lost a precious baby, their understanding was so helpful.

Wishing you gentle days .

wifeymerrick Wed 11-Sep-13 23:22:42

Just read ur whole post tulip and my heart is truly breaking for u and ur family.......I'm so sorry and y prayers are with u and ur beautiful sleeping boy x x x

WeAreSeven Wed 11-Sep-13 23:29:32

I know, LT.

I remember thinking, before I lost dd, if I every heard of someone losing a child "That must be truly terrible"
But until it happens to you, you really don't know how terrible it is and that the grief is physical.
I had a bereavement counsellor who was a social worker who specialised in bereavement. She was a lovely person. I don't know if I could say she helped as such because as I thought at the time, and still think, no amount of counselling in the world can bring your baby back and that is the only thing that could properly help.
But, she did let me know that what I felt was normal, everything I felt. The pain, the anger. That I visited dd's grave every single day for a very long time, felt compelled to. And that there was no "normal" that fits every bereaved parent. For example, on our bereaved Mums thread, there are some who never visit their child's grave because it's too painful and doesn't help them. I wasn't like that but that it was OK because normal for me is not normal for them.
We are here if you feel ready to join us.
I didn't want to join the thread initially. I really didn't want to be a bereaved Mum, didn't want the label. Who would? But these ladies have been a lifeline to me and many others along the way.

carameldecaflatte Wed 11-Sep-13 23:44:32

I'm so very very sorry for your loss Sleep.

It is the worst thing in the world but you will survive. Fall apart when you have to, lean on whoever offers a shoulder and don't listen to anyone who tells you how to grieve or for how long.
My first son was stillborn and I wish I had spent more time holding him and I wish I had my own camera. And I wish someone had told me just how important that time and those photos would become.
I was terrified throughout my subsequent pregnancy but I now have my wonderful DS (15 months).

I'm so sorry love.

LittleTulip Fri 13-Sep-13 01:23:36

Can't stop crying and DH doesn't know what to do with me. Never knew I could feel this terrible, this sad, this lost. Have spent the last 3 days under a blanket on the sofa. Don't really know what to do? Is it my hormones as well do you think? Still not heard from the bereavement nurse.

I remember when we were told about this and on our return from the hospital I said to DH, if this had happened last week it would have been classed as a miscarriage! As if playing it down would make it all better. How things change...when the little life you once had magnificent hopes and dreams for is laying asleep in your arms never to wake up.

It does get better doesn't it?

imip Fri 13-Sep-13 06:38:06

(((*littletulip*))) I'm so sorry, this is grief, again so very normal. I always think that now the shock has worn off and this part is like acceptance. Now it is about trying to live life without ibrahim.

I spent many hours crying and like your dh, my dh didn't know what to do. He was very very concerned for me.

I does get better, but it is not a quick fix. I think it takes months for the crying to settle and even longer for the intense pain to go away. Even then it lessens, never goes completely. I guess you have to let grief run its course. I've been involved with sands for nearly eight years now and it really is very normal. As others suggest a difficult time where the grief slowly fades but never disappears.

Yes, that distinction between miscarriage and stillbirth is hard. Had this happened days earlier, you'd be on sick leave not maternity leave. It may be why you saw so many of us encourage you to take maternity leave over sick leave. Maternity leave has been such a hard fought for right. A recognition that you had a baby.

Fwiw, in Australia 20 weeks is the division between stillbirth and miscarriage. Not too long ago in the uk, it was 28 weeks.

Perhaps it might help to find some RL support? Keep posting here, the sands online forum as my lifeline when I lost my eldest. The lady who sent you a card who had lost her baby at 23 weeks perhaps? People come out of the woodwork when these things happen. At a baby loss meeting, perhaps you could find someone on a similar stage of your grief journey as you?

I meet someone almost eight years ago and we have gone on to have nervous pregnancies together and been wonderful support for each other.

Just keep getting through each day. Any short art/drawing courses that you'd like to do that might help occupy your mind? Something as a small distraction from the day-to-day? Keep posting. We've been there, keep leaning on us. You'll get through this but you will be a different person xxx

tinypumpkin Sat 14-Sep-13 20:00:06

Oh Little Tulip, I am so sorry that the days have been so hard. Imip has said everything that I wanted to say. I would say that life does become more manageable but it takes lots of time. It is almost four years for me now and it is easier to manage but I am no less sad. Hard to explain but I don't cry every day like I used to. I remember not being able to imagine a day that I didn't cry but it did happen.

I agree about the real life support. I too found the Sands helpline a lifeline. It's worth calling if you feel able to. I know it is hard to know what to say but the people are fantastic and it's fine to start a phone call with just tears. I did many a time.

I too found friends who had lost a baby (a twin in my case) and they have helped me through some of the darkest days and a subsequent pregnancy. They still do and I do not know where I would be without them.

Happy to listen via PM if you wanted to 'talk'. I don't know how your feel but I do understand what it is like to learn to live without your baby and all the hopes you had for your family's future together. x

tinypumpkin Tue 17-Sep-13 10:49:30

Just popping by to say that I am thinking of you and your family. Remembering Ibrahim.

MabelMay Tue 17-Sep-13 22:27:42

Little Tulip, just came on here to send you sincerest sympathy and sorrow for your loss. It's all still so raw for you - don't rush yourself. Your hormones will have been sky-diving too which will add to the grief and the sense of your emotions feeling beyond your control.
Let yourself weep and grieve for little Ibrahim.
I'm so so sorry. Take care of yourself. thanks thanks

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