Need hand holding as I sit with my dad who is dying

(256 Posts)
kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 02:17:22

My Dad is end stages of liver cancer. I'm sat with him tonight as the normal
Nurse cover was in an availabl

Nodney Sat 01-Jun-13 02:18:32

So sorry Kansas. Wishing you and your Dad a hug x

Homebird8 Sat 01-Jun-13 02:21:14

It's a hard but very special time Kansas. I hope you find some peace together. I'm thinking of you and praying for comfort and strength.

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 02:21:33

Stupid phone - posted too soon.
Dad has chronic lung condition too so tonight has spent all night trying to cough. No nurse available tonight so I'm here. This is just so hardsad I'm a nurse and have seen many people die but this is so so hard.
I don't want him to die but this is just awful. He can't cough enough to clear his chest so sounds awful.
I wish this was over for him- its breaking my hearthmm

Homebird8 Sat 01-Jun-13 02:24:44

Is he at home Kansasmum? The discomfort is hard to bear for our loved ones. Is there a sedative available to reduce his discomfort? I know that helped my mum at the end. She died from lung issues associated with the side effects of chemo treatment for cancer. Watching someone struggle for breath is hard. My heart goes out to you. Big hand hold for you tonight.

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 02:28:25

I have Oramorph for him but he's not in pain and it doesn't help with his struggling to cough/ breath.
So glad he's home and not in pain but this is like slow torture.

WhatSheSaid Sat 01-Jun-13 02:29:35

Thinking of you kansasmum. I was with my dad when he died - I was holding one of his hands and my mum was holding the other one. Although it was hard at the time, it gives me immense comfort now that I was with him when he died - I hope it gave him some comfort too.

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 02:33:51

Whatshesaid- that's what keeps me going knowing its helping him. I've been the strong one all through this for my mum and sister cos I'm a nurse and that's what I do but at 2am when it's just me and him- my heart hurts.

fackinell Sat 01-Jun-13 02:35:49

Oh I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It must be so painful. He will be aware of everything you say (as you know.) why not spend some time talking about happy memories you have together. It will help comfort you both. Sending a hug through the net to you both.

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 02:41:00

Thanks - I have been talking to him a little. He's confused now too bless him and had just told me that it might take me a while to sort out the buses!!!
A lot of the time now he can't say much but hearing this did make me smile!

PariahHairy Sat 01-Jun-13 02:41:55

Does hyoscine not help with coughs/mucus? I remember this from working on a ward with dying people and also my Mum dying.

I empathise with the being alone thing, I was with my Mum overnight the first night She was out of hospital after learning She had terminal cancer. She was in a lot of pain and still throwing up a lot sad.

I did manage by contacting the ooh Dr to get her sorted, but it basically took the GP to come to the house on her own time, the GP then raised merry hell with the nurses etc and prescribed pumps/the right drugs etc.

Poor Mum ended up in a hospice not long after, where she died sad, but at least She was not in pain/discomfort.

I wouldn't have thought oramorph is enough for a dying patient, please ensure he has sufficient drugs.

So sorry for both you and your Dad btw, horrible situation.

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 02:47:47

He has other meds available but he's not in pain and the coughing is due to a lung condition. Hyoscine is an option but we'd need to switch to syringe driver - will probably do this tmw. Will call hospice team in the morning.
He's a little more settled now. Hope it lasts.

fackinell Sat 01-Jun-13 02:48:24

Oh bless him!! I hope you sort his buses out ok!! Keep up the chatting, sure he will be taking it all in. You sound very close to him. I have lost two loved ones in a similar way. It's awful to see them struggle but its also an honour to spend the last moments with someone. You should be proud of your strength to be able to do this.

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 02:55:11

Ok now he wants me to turn the lights on so I can find all the ashtrays and empty them! Talk about bittersweet humour. Poor man I wish he could sleep.

fackinell Sat 01-Jun-13 03:11:13

Well he's certainly doing his bit to try and keep you entertained anyway. Does he have any favourite music you can play to soothe him a bit? Apologies if I zonk out.

Can we have a tag team of through the night BF'ers to keep up Kansas' spirits please?

I hope you both get a peaceful night. It'll be a huge comfort having your presence.

Trumpton Sat 01-Jun-13 03:21:20

I remember being court Martialled by my dad during one very long night. [Smile] But also have wonderful comforting memories of our time spent together during his last days. The syringe driver was a great help to him.

It is such a special thing to be able to do for those who did so much for us when we were small. Part of the circle of life.

Wishing you and your dad a calm night and get those ashtrays emptied !

Am so sorry to hear about your dad. My dad died from pulmonary fibrosis. I spent many a time just sitting with him, keeping him company,helping him etc. it was heartbreaking watching him struggle to breath.

He is lucky to have you there but it is very hard on you. Hope he settles and you both get some rest flowers

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 03:55:54

He's more settled now and sleeping - hope it lasts for a couple of hours.
Off to empty the ashtrays!!!

ratbagcatbag Sat 01-Jun-13 04:27:37

Morning Kansas, hope now your dad is asleep you're managing a quick hour too. X

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 05:50:12

I've managed about an hour- dad has been sleeping for a couple of hours now.

Having spent their last hours with both my parents as they were dying, with dad first, when I was 19 then, years later, with mum I can honestly say I had never felt closer to them.

I felt "there for them" and grateful, seems the wrong word, but I know what I mean, to be given the honor.

They were both at home, it was were they wanted to be and while I would dearly have loved them to have been with us longer I know they died peacefully.

God Bless kansasmum x

foofooyeah Sat 01-Jun-13 06:47:19

Just wanted to send you some strength Kansas - have been where you are and its very tough.

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 07:59:39

Thank you all for your support. Day carers are coming soon so I will go home and shower etc. I've got to make my niece's birthday cake today then I will come back later.
Dad really struggling to swallow anything nowsad
Very difficult to watch him struggling.
But on we go because we must.

fackinell Sat 01-Jun-13 09:47:50

Your dad was the first person I thought of this morning when I woke, Kansas!! Have you support from Macmillan too? They could maybe help you out.

Hope he gets some rest and you have a good as day as possible.

Rosa Sat 01-Jun-13 09:57:27

No words just thoughts for you , your dad and family and friends..

TheSecondComing Sat 01-Jun-13 10:02:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lots of support and thoughts for you and your dad from me. What you're doing for him is amazing and you should be so proud of yourself.


Homebird8 Sat 01-Jun-13 11:27:53

A hand to hold from me Kansasmum. I remember singing Victoria Wood's 'Can't do it tonight' with my mum the night before she died. The humour helps to take the edge off. Hope your dad is comfortable.

EATmum Sat 01-Jun-13 12:38:11

Sending you hugs and loads of respect. What you are doing for your dad, and for the rest of your family, is really amazing.

Portofino Sat 01-Jun-13 12:43:48

Oh your poor dad, and poor you sad sending hugs and love xx

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 13:10:50

Home bird- that made me smile! I love that song by Victoria Wood! The bit about ' melting the buttons on my flameproof nightie! Always make me laugh!
Went home and got washed and dressed and then went back with some ice lollies for dad and mum was in a panic cos Dad had been incontinent so sorted him out and cleaned him up.
Back home now and have made my niece's birthday cake- will ice it later.
Would like a sleep but dh is having his haircut so I will have ds!!

MrsSJG Sat 01-Jun-13 15:12:37

Will hold your hand today, I am in the same situation but it is my uncle dying of bone cancer, am unable to be with him but all my family have been to visit him today and my mum has just sent me a message saying he has asked for jelly and ice cream sad when I was working at the care home, we always had ice cream and jelly as they always asked for it before they passed away sad I will hold your hand tight today

Signing in for evening hand holding. My dads last words were "what time is it", I never came to terms with that being what the sum of his very short life (47 years old) added up to sad

Mum was more out of it as she had morphine so she never really spoke over her last few days, I knew she was struggling because her fingernails went very blue the last day or so which meant her circulation was slowing down I think.

Wishing you all a very peaceful night kansas x

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 18:51:20

Sorry about your Uncle- thinking of you Mrs.
Went and saw Dad couple of times today. Mum INSISTED On Getting him out of bed to sit in the sun lounge- apparently he was desperate. So dh and I and my best friends parents who were visiting, managed it. He lasted 30 mins but I had to dose him with morphine aftetwards so have told mum we are NOT doing it again. It's far too much for him.

I am going to try and persuade my
Mum that we need to get the hospice at home team out tomorrow and think, sadly it's time to consider the syringe driver. hmm His pain had increased today and he has almost lost his swallow reflex- nearly chokes on the slightest sipsad.
Early night for me tonight and back there tomorrow.

MrsSJG Sat 01-Jun-13 19:53:35

It's the worst feeling ever Kansas, knowing that there is so very little we can do but make sure they are pain free and just sit and wait. I wish you a peaceful night and hugs and more hand holding

Homebird8 Sat 01-Jun-13 20:48:19

The emotional support of the hospice team might help your mum and you as much as it does your dad. Having the driver actually helped my mum in the final times as she no longer felt the responsibility for choosing when she needed the drugs. The quantity was ramped up over time as she needed it and we all accepted it was the right thing to do.

Isn't it odd how life continues almost without noticing what is going on at it's centre? Birthday cakes and haircuts at a time when your mind is utterly elsewhere. Well done, but don't take on too much. Thinking of you flowers

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 21:13:34

I'm not staying tonight. I desperately need some sleep- haven't slept properly for a month and its catching me upsad
Mum is VERY anti- hospice nurses- probably cos she has to admit that Dad is dying if they are there. But we need them so I'll have to be 'bad cop' yet again.

My mum has been VERY difficult and very horrible to me and my sister over the last few weeks. She told me it wasn't nearly as bad for me losing my dad as it was for her losing a husband. That really hurt. She hasnt asked how me or my sister are at all and offers no comfort for us at all. But this is nothing new.

My dd who is 19 is finding all this VERY hard. She adores her grandpa.
Is it terrible to wish this to end soon?

Homebird8 Sat 01-Jun-13 21:31:49

It's not terrible at all Kansasmum. It's natural to wish for all the pain and discomfort to be over and you're not under any impression that it can be recovered from unlike your poor mum.

People say all sorts of things in their distress and grief. You must have witnessed this happening in families, who really do love each other, in your nursing. My dad said it was months after mum died before he even realised that my sister and I had lost a mum when he lost a wife. I suspect the comfort will all be one way, from you and your sister to your mum, and you and your sister will have to comfort each other. Hope your DH will understand too. I couldn't have been the strong one when we went through it without my DH backing my up every inch of the way.

Won't the hospice people be able to help your mum come to terms with what is happen ending too? If so, probably the sooner the better for you DF and your DM.

Now, get some sleep. You need to stay well yourself. Telephones can wake you if you're really needed.

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 21:34:25

Thanks Homebird. I can't imagine Dad not being here but I hate seeing him suffer like this.

Themobstersknife Sat 01-Jun-13 21:40:39

Its not terrible at all. Bless you. Hope your dad stays comfortable and your last memories are peaceful for you all. Have a good sleep.

Wolfiefan Sat 01-Jun-13 21:42:05

OP I'm so sorry that your family are going through this. You sound so brave and the most wonderful daughter he could wish for.
Thinking of you all.

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 22:03:51

Wolfie- that made my cry - thank you for such nice words.

My Dad as never been a 'touchy feely' person and don't remember him saying ' I love you' as I grew up although we've always been close. However the last few weeks he's said it a lot and said lots of lovely things to me which I"ll treasure forever.

TwentyTinyToes Sat 01-Jun-13 22:47:26

OP hope you are getting some sleep. I agree you sound like a lovely daughter. I helped to care for my nan when she was dying, i look back on those sad, difficult days and feel comforted that her death was as good as it could be. She was surrounded by love. I remember doing a lot of wordsearches with my sisters and amongst the tears there was laughter too.

Will be thinking of you, your dad and your family. Holding your hand. X

fackinell Sat 01-Jun-13 23:57:11

Still checking in on you, Kansas.

You deserve some rest. Your Mum sounds like she is swinging between the awful reality of the truth and enforced normality. Try not to take anything she says right now as a personal slur.

My Grandad (when my aunt died) swung round to me and announced 'this is all Your fault!!' Of course it wasn't, I was 16 yrs old and had helped wash my aunt's hair just the night before. It hurt, but it was pure reaction and my family consoled me and told him off. He apologised and no more was said. Your mum doesn't mean the daughter/ husband/ worse thing.

Hand holding again tonight. Xx

EATmum Sun 02-Jun-13 01:03:36

Just checking in and saying hello. Hope all's well.

kansasmum Sun 02-Jun-13 08:06:41

Sadly my mum does mean it. She's a very difficult selfish woman and always as been but I'm ignoring her crap for my darling Dad's sake.
Great night's sleep so feel better today- regrouped and ready to carry on looking after dad.
All your support helps HUGELY so thank you xxx

Dutchoma Sun 02-Jun-13 10:54:12

How wonderfully well you are doing Kansasmum Over the past year my dh has been on the palliative care list although he is not really dying any more than any of us are. This has meant we have had quite a bit of contact with our local hospice and know how good they are. I really think you will need to overrule your mum for your dad's sake and you and your family's needs' sake. She may well be 'dead against' it because she knows that they will have no patience with her awfulness. (Although they will never say so of course)

Homebird8 Sun 02-Jun-13 12:05:33

She possibly does mean to hurt and belittle you Kansasmum. I can believe that. Doesn't mean there's any truth in what she is saying. It's extra tough at the moment to rise above it and not respond but that's what it is best to do. You are a loving, caring, thoughtful and above all useful daughter to your father. Do your best for him and work out your mum some other time. Your feelings are your feelings and cannot be measured out and compared with those of anyone else. You wouldn't do this to your daughter and there is no reason to give any weight to your mother's attempts to do it to you.

I'm so glad you got some rest and are feeling stronger. Still here, still holding your hand.

kansasmum Sun 02-Jun-13 12:57:22

Called the hospice team and they have been and made dad comfy and given him diamorphine & midazolam cos he was very agitated and had pain. He's very peaceful now. Entering the final stages I thinksad my cousin came this morning which was lovely.

Dutchoma Sun 02-Jun-13 13:00:01

Well done. May the peace stay with you and your dad.

TheSecondComing Sun 02-Jun-13 14:04:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Portofino Sun 02-Jun-13 14:20:52

Thinking of you too. I hope he stays peaceful and pain free. Xxx

WandaDoff Sun 02-Jun-13 14:21:53

Wishing you strength & peace to get through this x

Love and light to you both x

Wolfiefan Sun 02-Jun-13 19:23:01

Thinking of you. Glad to hear he has had pain relief.

kansasmum Sun 02-Jun-13 19:34:20

OoH drs have been and my dh has gone to get the meds and then the nurse will set up the syringe driver. Mum is in bits but can't just sit and be with Dad but just letting her get on with it.
I'm staying overnight.
Just realised I've only had a banana and a bit of a chicken sandwich to eat today so dh is bringing me some takeout on the way home.
My poor sister is beside herselfsad((
She's gone home for a bit- she can't bear seeing Dad like this. hmm
The Hospice team are bloody amazing. So patient and caring and supportive.

kohl Sun 02-Jun-13 19:54:25

Just found your thread kansasmum, I'll be thinking of you and your Dad tonight. You do sound like such a lovely daughter.

Dutchoma Sun 02-Jun-13 21:21:21

Make sure you have plenty to drink. So glad your dad is comfortable. Hopefully your mum will have a bit of peace too.
Wishing you strength for a peaceful night.

Snog Sun 02-Jun-13 21:31:17

my dad died 20 days ago from end stage renal failure.
it has been a huge comfort that he died at home, peacefully with his family around him.
my dd like yours has found it very hard.
thinking of you

duchesse Sun 02-Jun-13 21:34:58

Sorry that you are going through this. My father died very suddenly on May 13th. I can't imagine what you are going through in these strange days.

duchesse Sun 02-Jun-13 21:37:25

Kansas I just realised you are in Devon so if you need any practical help in the next few days I am near Exeter. PM if you need anything.

Trumpton Sun 02-Jun-13 21:40:35

Kansas you are bringing so many bittersweet memories to me. I was with my dad at home to the very end but had a difficult sister to deal with. My lovely dad was made comfortable and happy as he left his pain and suffering behind. My thoughts are with you , please know that you will gain such comfort from your actions in the time to come.

Just wanted to see how you and your DF were. Reading this has brought back memories of my beloved dads struggle and how brave he was. It is heart breaking to watch them suffer sad

Thinking of you all x

Wolfiefan Sun 02-Jun-13 22:08:01

The Hospice team may well be amazing but so are you. Wishing you strength over the coming days.

Homebird8 Sun 02-Jun-13 22:12:03

It's strange how different people react to situations. The best thing we found was to try to accept that everyone does it differently. I'm thinking of you, your DSis, your DD, your DM, and especially your DF. Well done for remembering to eat. Try to rest your body at some point even if you don't sleep. Tell your DH I'm sending him some extra strength to be with you all through this too. It does sound as if your dad is almost ready to go gently with the help of the hospice team. Have a brew or a wine if it helps.

Being with your dad and holding him on the final stage of his life's journey is a truly lovely thing to do. Thinking of you at this so difficult time.

MandyWatkins Sun 02-Jun-13 22:21:57

I went through something very similar with my Dad a few weeks ago. (He came to live with me). Every morning I'd hope he'd died during the night - that it would be over for both of us. But he was always there - still alive, yet wanting to die. It was heartbreaking. (We had four visits a day, two carers each time, during the last three weeks).

Then one day I popped into his room, looking for something - he was still there - popped back - he was gone. I hadn't expected him to do it that way.

I talked to him, as did my teenage DC, about all sorts of stuff until the doctor and the undertaker came and we were so happy, despite our tears - it was so strange. I knew I'd done my best for him; and I knew he knew that too. I miss him so much, but I would never want him back, not like he was.

I had a vile family member to contend with too stupid bitch

One day at a time Kansas. Thinking of you.

Have only just seen this thread. My Dad was diagnosed with terminal, un operable oral cancer about 12 weeks ago. In those few weeks his weight has halved. My Mum has Alzheimers that used to be kept under control with her tablets but they are no longer working. They are still living in their home. I try to go to visit as often as possible and my brother and all the grandkids and great grandkids visit as well. We have had about half a dozen dashes to A & E.

I feel so much for you. What you are doing is wonderful to care for your Dad like you are doing is priceless.

My only hope is that my parents have something nice to eat, a few drinks, a kiss and a cuddle in their bed and pass together.

My love and respect to you and a hug for your Dad xxxx

KrazyKurls Sun 02-Jun-13 22:24:15

Thinking if you Kansas as you start another rough night, DGrandmother passed away at home last year and we nursed her like this. Keep on top if them re the drugs they come out at all hours and frequencies to administer.

Try and save your energies you will need them when the time comes, especially if your mother is being difficult.

It takes a special daughter to nurse a dying parent, huge hugs.

lymeregis Sun 02-Jun-13 22:28:09

Thinking of you all.

chelsbells Sun 02-Jun-13 22:31:36

(((( hand holding ))))
Went through this with my MIL in January, now going trough it with my FIL and GrandFather. It's horrible it really is; seeing them in pain is horrific, not only for them but for their loved ones. Take care of yourself and your family, thinking of you all xxx

Also. The teams at the hospices are amazing. We couldn't have made my MIL any happier or more comfortable anywhere else, they made a very difficult time, just that little bit easier knowing someone was there who cared.

kansasmum Sun 02-Jun-13 23:57:57

Thank you all so much.
Mum got really angry at me earlier and I just lost it but the hospice nurses calmed me down and sorted it out and is fine now.
Syringe driver is in situ and dad is very peaceful. I'm lying on the spare bed right next to dad. I'm sure he knows I'm here.
The care assistant from the hospice is staying overnight which is huge relief to me- she's lovely.
I'm do sorry for all of you who have been through similar - it's bloody awful isnt it?
I know the end is near for Dad but I do have a sense of calm tonight.

{{{hugs}}} hopefully your calm will enfold him too. x

ClaraOswald Mon 03-Jun-13 00:55:23

I hope for a peaceful night for you all.x

SugarandSpice126 Mon 03-Jun-13 01:46:51

Thinking of you..I hope the calm remains. X

Maryz Mon 03-Jun-13 01:53:02

Hi, I'm here if you need an ear.

The hospice nurses are great aren't they? They have really seen it all before and can cope with any emotions we may have.

Try to let your mum be angry if you can. It's awful for you all, but for her it's particularly "personal" if that makes sense.

kansasmum Mon 03-Jun-13 04:37:20

Can't sleep now. Dad very peaceful and settled. I have slept on and off but my minds racing now!
Mum has slept so that's good.

kansasmum Mon 03-Jun-13 06:42:43

Maryz- I do try and let mum just let her feelings out but she really has a go at me and it really hurtssad. She seems to think she has the monopoly on griefsad
Going to go home in a bit and have a shower and take my ds to school. I want to do something normal - I need to.

Dilidali Mon 03-Jun-13 06:47:55

I know how hard that is. You've had a hell of a night sad

kansasmum Mon 03-Jun-13 07:05:18

Maryz- I do try and let mum just let her feelings out but she really has a go at me and it really hurtssad. She seems to think she has the monopoly on griefsad
Going to go home in a bit and have a shower and take my ds to school. I want to do something normal - I need to.

Homebird8 Mon 03-Jun-13 07:10:40

The hurt that those in our own family can inflict is usually so well aimed. They know just how to get to us. It doesn't mean that you have to take responsibility for anything you didn't do though. Some of the hardest decisions we take are those which we know to be right but with which others disagree. With the love in your heart I'm sure you are making the right ones.

I'm pleased you managed to spend the night so close to your dad and I'm sure he must have known. His loss will be so enormous for you when it comes. I shouldn't think your mum will want to recognise that though.

Hoping you get a few moment of normality on the school run and it gives you some emotional strength for today, whatever it brings.

kansasmum Mon 03-Jun-13 07:26:23

I'm going to bring back my ds's Wind in the Willows book later and read a bit to Dad. I always remembering him reading it to me when I had chickenpox!!
Mum has decided she would rather Hoover than sit with Dad despite saying all she wants to do is sit with him. Just letting her get on with it.

Homebird8 Mon 03-Jun-13 07:32:23

That sounds like a lovely idea Kansasmum. The sound of your voice will be soothing and it's a lovely story.

kohl Mon 03-Jun-13 09:56:38

That's a great idea. Wind in the Willows is so comforting. Thinking of you today.

Maryz Mon 03-Jun-13 10:01:46

Sorry about your mum kansas sad. She doesn't seem to be coping very well, but that doesn't excuse her having a go at you.

I love the idea of reading WitW. I remember my dad reading that to me when I was a child as well.

I hope today goes as well as it can. thanks

kansasmum Mon 03-Jun-13 21:32:39

Been here on and off during the day. Dad much the same tonight- very peaceful and sleeping. Had a couple of hours at a friends so Ds could have a swim in their pool and a play. Was nice to have a break. Read WiTW to Dad early- the chapters on Toad cos he always loved Toad!!
My poor sister has been sobbing on the phone - she just can't handle seeing Dad like this. I've told her she doesn't have to come sit with him. It scares hersad
I feel much calmer tonight and we have the same nurse back again tonight which is nice.
Just wonder when things will change with Dad - it's all just a waiting game.

Dutchoma Mon 03-Jun-13 22:41:06

Glad you have the same nurse tonight Kansas. Praying for a peaceful night for you and all your family.

Homebird8 Tue 04-Jun-13 02:05:35

There's just no knowing about the horrible waiting game is there? Now that your dad is more peaceful it must be Less distressing to be with him. Perhaps you could suggest to your sister she comes to say her goodbyes whilst he's resting if it upsets her so much and then if she chooses not to sit with him she won't feel she's missed out when the time comes for him to go. Glad you're getting some solace from TWITW. Thoughts still with you flowers

kansasmum Tue 04-Jun-13 06:52:24

Another peaceful night and I actually slept quite well.
Dad looks paler this morning and his urine output is decreasing so I know we are getting nearer the end. That's the downside of me being a nurse - I know the signssad
Dad is comfy and the hospice will send someone overnight again tonight thank goodness.
Brief moment of humour this morning- Dad's dentures had fallen out and were sitting his mouth so I thought I'd just take them out- do you think I could get hold of them?!! Of course I said to Dad 'can you open a bit wider?'- he just shut his mouth! I did eventually get them out and he raised an eyebrow briefly when I did! My darling Dad is still there.

Homebird8 Tue 04-Jun-13 09:12:11

Little moments like that raise a smile that you can share with others and keep for ever. Of course he's still there. He's waiting for the next chapter of WITW! Enjoy your little moments. They're gold.

Have been thinking about you and your precious Dad since I first saw this thread. Sounds like your Dad is indeed still here - love the dentures story. xx

Me and my parents scream laughing at the least little thing - kind of a mixture of fear and not knowing what else to do. My Mum announced, very loudly, in A & E on Bank holiday Monday......'This is my daughter you little girl (Im 56) she says we have to laugh at my Alzheimers in fact <<raising her voice even more>> WE HAVE TO LAUGH AT IT AND KICK IT IN ITS BALLS!!! - Didn't you say that love?'

blush yes Mum....'YEP THATS WHAT WE ARE DOING KICKING IT IN ITS BALLS!!!' 'OK Mum perhaps not quite so loud!!'

Im going seeing them today - Dad needs some Whisky - Oh my dear God - has been told because he has oral cancer he shouldn't drink alcohol......we all 'sneak' him bottles of Whisky in - he is permenantly p***ed!! He said it makes his time 'waiting for God' more bearable. xxx

probablyhadenough Tue 04-Jun-13 09:24:03

Just to say I am thinking of you kansas - you are doing an incredibly hard but special thing in being there for him. I am so sorry you have to deal with this but you are doing your absolute best for him, making sure he has the best death possible.

kansasmum Tue 04-Jun-13 10:15:10

Shabba- that's hilarious about your mum!!!
My dad decided that because he was dying he need to have the 'sex talk' with my 19 yr old dd!!!!! She nearly died of embarrassment!!!! He used to get so confused bless him and would try and repeat it the next day!!!!
We laugh now about it!
Don't blame you sneaking whiskey to your dad!

My mum is still driving me nuts- she has a real thing about the hospice nurses- doesn't like them at all whereas I think they are marvellous. Really brilliant. I think it's because of the syringe driver- mum had a right go at me when it was set up because I was the one who said I thought he needed it Cos he was in pain. She told me I was trying to hurry his death along. So she thinks that the hospice nurses are doing.
I found that very hurtful but am trying to let it go.

Homebird8 Tue 04-Jun-13 10:21:37

So sorry your mum is hurling accusations around. I hope the hospice nurses can persuade her that your dad's discomfort is being managed and the driver is not to hasten his death. I'd hate to think she will still feel it's ok to try to land this on you after he is gone. It's not true. You just want the best for him and he knows it. He would still be teasing you with his teeth otherwise wink

Kansas it was nothing to going to A & E with the ambulance lights flashing with my Mum and me in the back of it. They thought she had had a stroke but I knew what was wrong. We got her into a bed in resus and when my eldest son (31) came in she asked why she had a 'funny dress' (hospital gown) on? She then lifted it up continually trying to take it off over her head.

Cue my DS1 staring in disbelief at the sight of his Grans bazookas!!! He looked at me and then my Mum....'Gran put your gown back down before I have to bleach my bloody eyes!!'

She then said 'Bloody hell Shabba - where's your Dad? He's not very well you know.....cue the gown trying to be taken off again and her hiccuping and stinking of whisky.

<<lies down in a dark room away from her parents>> xxx

Theas18 Tue 04-Jun-13 10:35:49

Have ahug (())

Poledra Tue 04-Jun-13 10:37:08

kansas, you are a special person to be doing all this for your father.

I sympathise with your difficulties with your mother - my mother had similar from her mother (my grandmother) when my grandfather died and, shortly afterwards, my uncle. My mum used to call me up and tell me all the things my gran had said and have a good ol' rant to me. Then she'd take a deep breath and go back and smile at my grandmother and try to remember how difficult it was for this cranky old lady to deal with it all. Hopefully, you can do something similar with your DH or DD? My dad just wanted my mum to ignore it, and not tell me, but I was more than happy (if that's the right word) for my mum to let off steam to me if it helped her day-to-day (I lived too far away to help with more practical things).

Wishing you a peaceful day and wishing your dad a good death.

picklepen Tue 04-Jun-13 11:26:37

Kansas, my heart goes out to you. Just read through the thread... You sound as if you're doing really, really well in an awful situation.

Yes, your Mum will probably blame you, and keep it in the library. But you KNOW- heart and head and bone-deep knowledge that you have given your Dad what he needs- relief for pain, someone holding his hand, someone showing him she cares and wants to be with him, dignity in his dying.
As you say, you know the signs. It sounds as if he needs you all the more, because your Mum wouldn't have done that for him while she's in denial. Hold on to that when she makes it hard for you to be there.

My Dad died at home in October and this is bringing back those memories- huge hugs (((bear-like ones))). flowers

kansasmum Tue 04-Jun-13 14:33:33

Shabba- that made me lol!!!! Cam only imagine what it must have been like in A&E!!!
Nurse has been and increased the diamorphine. Dad squeezed my hand earlier which was lovely.
My Dsis, bil, nephew, dd and my dh have all been here.
Mum is seriously doing my head in But I'm trying really hard not to mindsmile

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong Tue 04-Jun-13 14:38:56

Just read your thread from start to here.

What a special daughter you are. smile Your Dad must be very proud of you. x

<passes another hand over to hold>

Madamimadam Tue 04-Jun-13 14:46:13

Kansas, another poster who thinks you are a very special daughter. He sounds like a very special dad. Thinking of you both flowers xxx

Kansas, you know you are doing everything in your power to help your Dad, you can do no more than be there for him, his squeezing your hand is testament to him knowing this.

I held my dads hand at the end as well, I ignored the cramp because I wanted the connection with him to go on.
Your mum sounds a bit like mine as well and I believe she came to regret how she had been with me because she clung to my hand the night she died.

You have been in my thoughts all day .God bless you all x

kohl Tue 04-Jun-13 15:39:24

Still in my thoughts - you are doing so brilliantly in this desperately sad situation, not just in accompanying and holding your Dad in a generous and loving way, but also by trying so hard to be patient with and not to retaliate against your Mum, though God knows you would have good reason!

I hope that if I find myself in your situation that I would be able to do what you are doing.

kansasmum Tue 04-Jun-13 20:01:39

Thank you all for your kind words. It's means so much to know I have so many people offering support.
Today has been stressful. Dad needed the increase in diamorphine but mum found that hard to accept.
Anyway had a bit of time away and saw some friends so RL support too.
Back down there tonight - I know the end is near, it must be he's had nothing to drink for 3-4days nowsad
Tbh I am hoping its soon because its so hard watching him slowly decline but at the same time I don't want to lose himhmm

Dutchoma Tue 04-Jun-13 20:14:04

Praying for peace this night too. For you, your dad and all your family.

Thinking about you and your Dad tonight. xxx

Portofino Tue 04-Jun-13 20:22:03

Thinking of you. Hope you have a peaceful night xxx

kansasmum Tue 04-Jun-13 22:43:55

Bloody awful eve so farsad dad has had several terrible coughing fits. So distressing to watch. It's a reflex thing apparently. Felt so helpless watching him struggle. But they gave him stat dose of Hyoscine which has helped. I'm in bed now listening to him breathe normally and he's peaceful again. Hospice nurse here overnight again. She's brilliant.

20122012 Tue 04-Jun-13 22:50:22

Sorry to hear about your dad. Cherish these moments. Lost my dad tragically in an accident. Never got to say bye or be by his side in those last few moments.

kansasmum Tue 04-Jun-13 22:54:03

Bloody awful eve so farsad dad has had several terrible coughing fits. So distressing to watch. It's a reflex thing apparently. Felt so helpless watching him struggle. But they gave him stat dose of Hyoscine which has helped. I'm in bed now listening to him breathe normally and he's peaceful again. Hospice nurse here overnight again. She's brilliant.

kansasmum Tue 04-Jun-13 22:55:48

No idea why that post has appeared twice.
20122012- so sorry to hear that. Must have been awful not being able to say bye.

lymeregis Tue 04-Jun-13 23:15:35

Thinking of you.

kansasmum Tue 04-Jun-13 23:42:45

Waiting on hospice sister coming out. Dad really unsettled and struggling with coughing. So upsetting to watch and listen to.
Mums asleep- tried to wake her but she's sparko! Will try again.

duchesse Tue 04-Jun-13 23:47:48

Maybe your mum took a sleeping tablet?

Sorry that your dad is so so ill. I hope the nurse manages to make him peaceful again.

mrsdinklage Tue 04-Jun-13 23:51:07

kansas - I've only just found this thread and I've read it all.
You are amazing - and as I sat with my dear dad in his dying days - I felt so proud of that special time we spent together. My dm also said stuff that was fucking annoying mildly irritating.
My parents were very religious, and after my df died I told her (reluctantly expecting tons of criticism) that I had prayed for him to die - and my DM said 'I wish I'd thought of that'
I am thinking of you and your df tonight - and keep doing the normal stuff - it really does help flowers
I'll check in tomorrow x

mrsdinklage Tue 04-Jun-13 23:53:17

hand here and an un mumsnetty hug {{{}}}}

lymeregis Tue 04-Jun-13 23:58:26

I'm holding your hand too. My mil died last month. Dh with her.

kansasmum Wed 05-Jun-13 00:10:25

Think mum is just knackered- she would never take a sleeping pill!!!
Nurses have been and given him a stat dose of diamorph and midazolam He's more settled now so hoping the crest of the night will be quiet.
Hope mum goes back to bed soon she's doing my head insad

I am going to see my Mum & Dad tomorrow....going to try and get Mum organised with Birthday cards etc. Dad wants me to look through his files.....he has everything sorted out - life insurance etc. Its so hard but I am like him and like everything sorted out. I hope you dont mind if I tell him about you and your Dad?

I consider my role in my parents last few months (we dont know time scales) an honour and we talk openly about everything. I hope you have a peaceful night. I know that I dont know you but I am very proud of you for being an amazing daughter xxxxxx

PollyLogos Wed 05-Jun-13 06:23:04

Much love Kansasmum. I did the same as you with my mum many years ago and it still makes me very "happy" that we were with her all the time in her last few days. Hope your dad has had a peaceful night.

kansasmum Wed 05-Jun-13 06:32:21

Thanks Shabba - that's a lovely thing to say of course I don't mind you telling your Dad.
The drugs worked and dad had a really peaceful night.
I am amazed at the human body- dad has had nothing to drink for 4-5 days and yet in last 12 hours has produced over 600mls of urine!
As a nurse I know that once urine production stops the end is is near. But dad is still peeing!!!

Beautiful day again - wish Dad could see it.
Will go home in a bit and come back later. My house is a tip- dh has been doing bits but I need to clean!

TweenageAngst Wed 05-Jun-13 06:45:16

Thinking of you x

20122012 Wed 05-Jun-13 06:52:33

Kansasmum as awful as it was I can imagine your situation to be very very difficult and emotionally testing to see someone you love in that situation. MNetters are here for you....with plenty of hugs an hands to hold. Glad to hear your dad had a peaceful night. Stay strong.

kansasmum Wed 05-Jun-13 07:09:30

OMG! My mum is doing my head insad she keeps saying the drugs are killing him, she's really rude to the hospice nurses, she has told me twice already today that its far worse for her losing her husband than me losing my Dad, she said' do you think your sister will be coming over today or will be too busy working again?' - it was the tone she used- grrrr! My sister brought my mum shopping yesterday and made lunch and came and saw dad- she finds its VERY hard and scary. Mum is being so horrible- I know she's sad and scared but does she have to be do rude and horrible to everyone. She's all 'me me me'. hmm

Homebird8 Wed 05-Jun-13 08:24:36

Oh Kansasmum, that's so hard. I'm scared that your mum will accuse you of ending your darling dad's life once he's gone.

I have no advice on how to handle her. In my case it was the 'me, me, me' one who died so I didn't have to deal with the opposite situation. Whatever you do won't be right. All you can do is know that you are making the right choices and for the right reasons. Anyone who judges you poorly for that should have no weight given to their opinions. Protect yourself. This is really tough for you. You can see that everyone is struggling. Your mum should too. If she can't or won't then it is not your fault.

Glad your dad is receiving the drugs he needs. These are for you flowers

kansasmum Wed 05-Jun-13 09:29:30

I'm taking a break this morning- need to do a food shop and housework. Meeting my sister for coffee too.
Nothing like a bit of vigorous housework to help with the anger!!!
Mum has already said its my 'fault' that Dad has a syringe driver because it was me that overruled her and phoned the hospice team cos I could tell dad was in pain.
I will not fall out with her while Dad is here but if she keeps this up afterwards I will be keeping my distance. I am not a human punching bag.

Poledra Wed 05-Jun-13 09:38:40

Ah, Kansas, you're describing my grandmother's behaviour to a T sad. When my mother had to go and tell her that my uncle (her son) had died, all my grandmother could think about was how devastating it was for her. When my mother said 'what about <aunty>? She's just lost her husband!' my grandmother's response was 'I've lost my son! It doesn't compare.'

Come here and rant, and we'll listen and hopefully help you bite your tongue when she does start. I'm sure the hospice nurses have heard it all before, and understand that she's trying to find someone, anyone to blame for what's happening to her husband.

You are giving your dear dad comfort in his last days, and that's something you will find comfort in yourself, in time. <hugs> and <brew>

blue2 Wed 05-Jun-13 09:41:10

Kansas - I've just found this thread and wanted to say how wonderful you are being - to your Dad - and your Mum, too - considering her attitude to you! hmm

You are doing a grand job, and I hope that your Dad is comfortable and peaceful atm.

Big Hugs (am I allowed to say that?!)

Rosa Wed 05-Jun-13 09:43:53

Sounds as if your mum is yes scared and taking it out on the people closest ...maybe its her way of trying to cope . Have a chat with the hospice nurses if you can - i expect they have seen it before. Its a pity she cannot see that you are suffering as well...Total rubbish about being more important ..Your Dad needs you all.

PostBellumBugsy Wed 05-Jun-13 09:48:03

Hugs Kansas - my Dad has advanced cancer, so know that in the not too distant future I'll be where you are.
Keep strong, try and ignore your scared, angry Mum.

kansasmum Wed 05-Jun-13 16:27:57

Postbellum- so sorry you're facing this awful time. It's not easy but you will find the strength, it's amazing how you do.

kansasmum Wed 05-Jun-13 19:41:16

Sat here sobbing. Eldest Dd had accidentally driven into the up and over garage door and its broken. She never said anything - just went out and found it so I'm cross. Youngest dd is being snappy because I'm daring to be upset , no-ones done anything in the house. Mum was on the phone moaning that the Marie curie nurse coming tonight can't start til 11pm. Well sorry mum we are not the only family with a dying relative.
Dh is at a governors meeting and is going to London tomorrow.
I have to go and stay at mums soon and I'm so bloody knackered I don't know which way is up.

Trumpton Wed 05-Jun-13 19:48:07

Oh Sweetheart. Just that really. ((hug)) .

Portofino Wed 05-Jun-13 19:49:49

<<passes virtual wine and hugs>>

Bakingnovice Wed 05-Jun-13 20:06:53

Just read the thread. You are inspiring. I hope I have your courage and strength when the time comes for my parents to leave us. I have no advice, but I have hugs and prayers and shared tears. You are not alone. Hope tonight is peaceful and calm.

Ps - your dad sounds like a real character.

Dutchoma Wed 05-Jun-13 20:08:52

<passes a nice real cotton handkerchief beautifully ironed so you can blow your nose>. That will feel better. Wish I could do something for you really. dds (who appear to be old enough to know better) could and should. At least they should tell you when they have messed up and not leave you to find out by accident. grr on your behalf.
Praying that the night will be peaceful again for you and your mum and dad. At least there will be a Marie Curie nurse from 11.

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong Wed 05-Jun-13 20:27:22

Still here and handholding. Hope you get some rest tonight.

You too Bugsy. I think we've chatted before on other threads. (I once asked you if you used to post on another forum because I knew someone there with a similar user name)

kansasmum Wed 05-Jun-13 20:29:33

Thanks for the hugs, kind words and support. I'm calmer now and dd's boyfriend has fixed the garage door. Not the disaster I thought thank god.
Still annoyed but ....

I suppose I should be grateful mum didn't say that 11pm was too late and cancelled the nurse altogether!
God I'd kill for a good nights sleep!
You know that tiredness that newborns give you? When you're like a walking zombie??! That's where I am now!
Right blowing my nose on nice cotton hanky and carrying on!!!wink

Saw my parents today and told Dad all about your Dad. He asked if I would send my love to you and tell you 'well done' smile

My Mum listened for a while and then said 'If we win the lottery tonight me and Dad are coming to Crackerfacky with you and your family Shabbs...confused she meant Faliraki <<snigger>>

Dad looked at me and said 'She's barking bloody mad!!'

Hope you all manage some sleep tonight xx

I am thinking of you. My mum died in a hospice and I have nothing but praise for the staff who were amazing. My FIL died on Tuesday morning after 4 months in hospital. I wish they'd gone down the hospice route earlier as I suspect his last weeks and days would have been easier and more peaceful. Very sad. I am sorry u r having such an awful time. Hopefully he (and you) will be at peace soon. (((())))

kansasmum Wed 05-Jun-13 21:01:56

Shabba- you made me Lol again! Love your mum! Crackerfcky- love it!!!
Fedup- so sorry about your Filsad
Right off I go to mums - hip flask in my overnight bag!

Homebird8 Thu 06-Jun-13 08:59:52

Sending my love with you in the hip flask Kansasmum. No harm to a friend at your side, of either type.

Glad you will be sported by the Marie Curie nurse tonight. I know you want to spend all the time you can with your dad but you can't stay awake day and night. Try to doze if you can. Being together is enough.

A big handhold for tonight. Goings on at your own house like garage doors can be sorted out by your DH. He knows you've got a lot on. wine for the hip flask (well, spirits anyway!)

kansasmum Thu 06-Jun-13 09:11:55

Bad night. Dad now completely unresponsive and breathing much shallower. Don't think it will be long

PostBellumBugsy Thu 06-Jun-13 09:15:47

Thinking of you.

Dutchoma Thu 06-Jun-13 09:17:57

I hope this prayer is a small comfort to you:

O Lord, support us all the day long, until the shadows lengthen and the evening comes, and the busy world lies hushed, and the fever of life is over, and our work is done. Then in thy mercy grant us a safe lodging, and a holy rest, and peace at the last.

Poledra Thu 06-Jun-13 09:24:41

Wishing you all peace flowers

Oh Kansas - I hope your dad gets some peace soon.

Thinking of you xx

Sending my love and hoping for your Dad to find peace xxxx

Portofino Thu 06-Jun-13 10:18:53


Rosa Thu 06-Jun-13 10:20:45

just thoughts for you ....and glad the garage door is fixed..One less thing to think about !

Homebird8 Thu 06-Jun-13 10:23:50

Still there at your side. Hope your dad is peaceful. xxx

kansasmum Thu 06-Jun-13 11:37:42

Dad very peaceful, urine output very minimal now, breathing shallow still hmm

BIWI Thu 06-Jun-13 11:39:38

Thinking of you, and hoping that your dad remains peaceful xxx

MirandaWest Thu 06-Jun-13 11:41:46

Thinking of you x

LemonEmmaP Thu 06-Jun-13 11:44:48

Thinking of you and virtually holding your hand xx

TheWombat Thu 06-Jun-13 11:45:41

Thinking of you and your Dad. I am in Devon (Okehampton way), if I can be of any help.

ChimeForChange Thu 06-Jun-13 11:50:31

Just found this thread Kansas.

You are so brave and strong. I know this sounds stupid but I've been so touched by this thread I feel like I'm with you!

Hope you have all the strength you need.

Sending you the warmest wishes and thoughts x x

Leo35 Thu 06-Jun-13 11:58:42

Thinking of you and your family Kansas. xx

BastardDog Thu 06-Jun-13 12:06:04

I lost my dad to Liver cancer 10 years ago. He died at home. It's terribly hard, but you are doing so well. I was always comforted afterwards by the thought that as hard as it was we'd all been there for him as much as possible, right til the end. I empathise and recognise your thoughts of not wanting to lose him, but wanting it to be over. I also recognise some of the family dynamics that you've got going on.

Keep going, if you can. You'll be glad you did. Then when your dad is finally at peace make sure you take some time for yourself.

I'm also virtually holding your hand.

D0GWithAYoni Thu 06-Jun-13 12:13:53

I've only just see. This thread I'm squeezing your hand very tightly right now xx

TwentyTinyToes Thu 06-Jun-13 12:29:11

Thinking of you, you are doing so well being there for everyone. X

dontmixthecolours Thu 06-Jun-13 12:48:14

Thinking of you Kansas, you're so brave

I really admire your strength. Take care

thishouseisashittip Thu 06-Jun-13 12:56:24


kansasmum Thu 06-Jun-13 14:44:48

Thanks everyone. God its so hard. Lovely district nurse came out to change the driver this pm- asked me how I was doing! Big mistake- don't be nice to me or I cry!!
I am SO tired. ED has come home from work- they are being so supportive of her. She's offered to pick up her little brother from school so now I've tidied up a bit I think I'll take her upon that.
I have a cleaner who comes on Fridays but the house is a mess so my best friend has offered to come over tomorrow and help her give the house a good sort and tidy up and clean. Such a lovely thing to do.
Dh has gone to London and will be back this pm.

Darling Dad still hangs on- went for a walk in the lanes near my parents house this lunchtime with my sister and the dogs- was lovely. Sad too- mum and dad walked up there just a few months ago before dad got ill- he used to tire and would sit at a bench and wait for mum to come back. The bench overlooks a lovely lakesmile We both cried.

Just to add to the misery i have the period from hellsad PMS+ Grief+ exhaustion isn't a good mix I have decided!

Its such a beautiful day and I wish my dad could see it and could be fishing by the river againsad

Life's a bitch.

BastardDog Thu 06-Jun-13 14:59:45

Yes, life is a bitch.

Glad you've got RL friends to support you.

Thinking of you.

Dutchoma Thu 06-Jun-13 15:09:49

So good that you can see some positives in this awful situation. I keep checking on the t hread to see if there are any updates. So glad you are having some real life support.

karinmaria Thu 06-Jun-13 15:12:31

Hello Kansas,
This is the first time I've seen this thread and my heart goes out to you. My mum passed away from leukaemia in January - she was at home, being cared for by us and the hospice nurses. For her it was much faster than for your dad as she was gone within a day. I wish I had known that urine production shows how close to the end a person is getting as my sister was not in the house (she was collecting the syringe prescription with my DH) when mum died.
You sound so strong and kind. It's no wonder your mum has felt able to let loose on you. It's not fair at all but I suppose it must be her way of dealing with things.
I hope your dad stays peaceful.

chelsbells Thu 06-Jun-13 19:34:14

Still in my thoughts. Hope your dad remains peaceful xxxxxx

willowstar Thu 06-Jun-13 19:49:19

Read this last night and was moved by your account, such a difficult time. All the very best.

Homebird8 Thu 06-Jun-13 20:00:55

Trust AF to visit at the most in opportune moments. Same thing happened to me. Just when I'd been in the same clothes for 48 hours and I was wobbly from little food and no sleep.

I'm glad you made it out for that walk. It sounds truly beautiful although terrible sad. Perhaps it was good that someone was nice to you. A few tears are healthy and may give you the strength to carry on. The DNs we had for mum I'll be forever grateful to.

Try to get a little sleep. It does sound as if you are close to the end. sad

Awakeagain Thu 06-Jun-13 20:13:57

I've just read through your thread and just wanted to let you know that you are doing great, your dad will be so greatful for all you have done for him
I've sobbed as I've read through this as reminded me of the last days with my dad
Sending you a little hug through the tinterweb

Dutchoma Thu 06-Jun-13 22:03:44

Praying again for a peaceful night.

guanosoup Thu 06-Jun-13 23:00:13

Here's hoping for a peaceful night for you all, whatever happens.
I know so much that feeling of wanting it all to end, but madly hoping it never ends, too.
The last days with my dad are such special memories, though, and I am glad that I and my sisters got to share his last days with him, if that doesn't sound too bizarre...
I am sure that your Dad will be aware of your loving presence

kansasmum Fri 07-Jun-13 00:48:03

My darling daddy passed away at 9.40pm this evening. We were all with him and he died very peacefully.
I am truly exhausted and to be honest a bit numb.
My sister and I had nipped home to get my overnight bag and we got back and 5 mins later dad was gone. I held his hand as he died.
Going to bed now. Thank you all for your support. You will never know how grateful I am for the support.

Kormachameleon Fri 07-Jun-13 00:50:26

God bless you and may your lovely dad rest in peace safe in the knowledge he was dearly loved

I'm very sorry for your loss x

Rest in peace Mr k. Deepest sympathies from me

expatinscotland Fri 07-Jun-13 01:21:59

May he rest peacefully.xx

Oh love - was going to say RIP but, my weird personality says - Cause havoc in heaven. Mr Kansas if you get the chance would you find my two sons and tell them I love them?

I was going to say I am very sorry for your loss and then I stopped myself. My Dad said the 'right words' a couple of days ago....'tell your friend on that t'internet 'Well done' for loving her Dad. xx

You have done the perfect thing that a child could do for its parent. You have loved them and cared for them - the same thing they did for you when you were a small child.


fackinell Fri 07-Jun-13 01:37:21

My sincere condolences, Kansas. Been following this thread and You did absolutely everything you could to make your Dad's passing comfortable.
RIP Daddy Kansas.

Homebird8 Fri 07-Jun-13 01:53:13

A soft warm sleep for you now then Kansasmum. I am so sorry for your loss but so pleased that your dad's passing was peaceful and is now over and you were there for him at the end. It's the next chapter for him and for you.

Oh, and everything ShabbatheGreek said.

xxx flowers sad flowers

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong Fri 07-Jun-13 06:08:21

As ever, (am long time namechanger) Shabba says everything we need to say so perfectly. smile

Your have done everything a child could have done for a parent, and that in itself is reflection of what a wonderful Dad we have learned this week that Daddy Kansas must have been.

Have a good rest today. xx

Portofino Fri 07-Jun-13 06:14:05

Oh Kansas! sad. I am so glad the end was peaceful and that you were all with him. RIP xxxx

Themobstersknife Fri 07-Jun-13 06:26:40

Have been thinking of you. It sounds like the end was peaceful. RIP Mr K . so sorry for your loss. I recognise the numb feeling. Keep posting if it helps.
Much love to you and yours.

Weegiemum Fri 07-Jun-13 06:56:04

Just read this. So sorry for your loss, Kansas, but glad to hear that he died so peacefully, surrounded by love. Take care of yourself xx

LegoAcupuncture Fri 07-Jun-13 07:07:57

So very sorry Kansas. flowers

Hope you managed some much needed sleep.

Awakeagain Fri 07-Jun-13 07:47:01

I'm so very sorry to hear about your loss
I'm so glad he is finally not in pain xx

dontmixthecolours Fri 07-Jun-13 08:18:32

I'm so sorry for your loss Kansas. I'm sure you're dad was really proud of you

Be good to yourself, I hope you got some rest

Oh my dear Kansas, have been watching your thread,silently wept & occasionally laughing with you. Have never known what to post before. Your are a truly wonderful daughter, please be kind to yourself.

May your dear Dad be at peace now.Am so sorry for your loss xxx

PostBellumBugsy Fri 07-Jun-13 08:56:28

So glad to hear he passed peacefully with all of you at his side - I think that is the best you could have hoped for.

Dutchoma Fri 07-Jun-13 09:09:19

Sorry for your loss Kansasmum, but grateful that he passed away peacefully and with his family by his side. Prayers continuing as you come to terms with his loss, deal with your mother and prepare for the funeral.

BIWI Fri 07-Jun-13 09:35:44

Sorry for your loss, kansasmum, but glad that he is now at peace. And he will have had a huge amount of comfort from your constant, caring presence.

Now it's time for you to take care of yourself.

Snog Fri 07-Jun-13 09:47:31

Sorry for your loss kansasmum, your dad was lucky to have you with him at the end and I am sure you will gain comfort from having been there for him in days to come.
I wish you strength for dealing with your mum.

Rosa Fri 07-Jun-13 09:48:22

Hope you managed to get some rest and build up some strength to face the days ahead...I am glad he went peacefully with his family nearby.

TwentyTinyToes Fri 07-Jun-13 09:49:55

So very sorry. X

ItsDecisionTime Fri 07-Jun-13 09:55:18

So very very sorry. Remember in the days, weeks and months to come that there are a huge group of MNers with their arms firmly wrapped round you xx

ChimeForChange Fri 07-Jun-13 10:05:06

Been thinking about you and your family Kansas and checking in.

I'm glad he went peacefully and that you were all there with him.

I hope you can all pull together in the near future and stay strong, and that your mum can pull in with you and support each other.

Do come back and talk to us, let us know how you're getting on, there's still so much support here x x

Oh Kansas so sorry for your loss.

Your darling dad is at peace now and I am so glad you were all there with him, what an honour.

Be kind to yourself xx

blue2 Fri 07-Jun-13 10:09:40

Oh Kansas - I'm sorry to hear that your Dad has gone. You've been such an inspiration to us all.

Go and get some rest - sounds like you need to treat yourself gently.

I hope the situation with your Mum resolves itself, too.

Keep posting. We're all here to hold your hand if need be. x

20122012 Fri 07-Jun-13 10:24:08

So ver sorry to hear of your loss Kansas.

Please take comfort in knowing that you were there for your dear father in the last stages of his life.

You should be so proud of yourself for getting through probably one of the hardest times of your life.

Your dad is now resting peacefully.

For you flowers xx

BastardDog Fri 07-Jun-13 10:29:45

So sorry Kansas. flowers

Glad the end was peaceful and you were all there for him and each other.

Take some time for yourself now.

WandaDoff Fri 07-Jun-13 10:38:38

It will be the 3rd anniversary of the death of my own Darling Daddy on Monday.

He had cancer, & went peacefully with us all there like your Dad.

Reading your posts this week has brought back loads of bittersweet memories from that time.
I'm glad I was there though & I can remember how surreal it all seemed.

Take it easy on yourself, you did wonderfully well this week in the worst circumstances.
You were exactly the daughter that your Dad needed. xx

kansasmum Fri 07-Jun-13 16:26:28

I am beyond exhausted yet can't sleep, I miss him so so much. Am I really never going to see him again?
I have spent today with my mum who is dealing with it so well- she's really amazed me. Perhaps being able to DO stuff is easier as she feels in control and she had no control over the cancer that Dad had.
I collected the death certificate today. I helped compose the bit to go in the local paper, I helped mum remember hymns, I cried, I ate, yet what I want more than nothing is to sleep and it won't come for more than 10 minssad
My dh has organised the burial plot for Dad- row L plot 23- how perfunctory that sounds- a row and a number.
Funeral directors are coming Sunday to discuss everything.
We have phoned friends and told them. We have received beautiful flowers.

I just want my Dad.

Oh darling sad

It IS so hard, it really is but you will get through this. When my mum died I was so full of despair but, and it is a cliche, time really does heal.

Just all be there for eachother, that is all you can do at this stage.

Sending lots of hugs your way xx

mignonette Fri 07-Jun-13 16:32:50

It is my Father's birthday today. He died eleven months ago. My FIL died two months ago and my cat 7 months ago. it has been a cold cruel year.

My love and sympathies to you. I was with my Father when he died but us children were not close to him and we have been left with pretty awful emotional and psychological damage from our childhoods.

I envy the closeness and love you have for your father and hope that one day it will become a source of smiles rather than tears and pain. I won't patronise you with platitudes about time healing and all that stuff. Rather, you gradually find a place for it all in your mind and your every day life. There will always be sharp and often unpredictable moments of pain and loss but they do seem to become less frequent and your memories will be bitter sweet rather than just sadness.

Sending you all my love flowers

Kansas I think that all your feelings and emotions are totally, totally normal. You have lost someone that you love dearly. I visited my parents and told them what had happened - they dont really understand the internet but my Mum said 'You know your friend? How can we both give her a hug and tell her we are sorry for her loss?' My Dad just looked at me and raised his eyebrows!!! He asked if I would pass on his and Mums love to you and your family xxx

So sorry to hear about your darling Dad, Kansas. I was there a year ago and it still feels numb, even after all this time. i wouldn't wish my dad back as he was so ill, but he's left a dad-shaped hole and I miss him terribly. Really feel for you and hope that you've managed to get some sleep. You've done so well by him - he would have been proud of you.

Lots of love,


TheWombat Fri 07-Jun-13 17:39:25

Oh Kansas sad I am sorry. It is so hard. Be patient with yourself now. flowers

I hope I turn out to be half the daughter you are when the time comes.

PollyLogos Fri 07-Jun-13 18:02:22

My condolences Kansas, I'm so sorry to read that your dad passed away last night but so glad he was peaceful and had his loving family with him.I hope you manage to sleep well tonight. xxx

kansasmum Fri 07-Jun-13 18:31:53

Thanks everyone xx
Shabba- bless your mum that's so lovely!

DisappointedHorse Fri 07-Jun-13 18:37:35

I'm so sorry for your loss, it's the hardest thing imaginable to watch someone you love die.

I'm sure he knew you were there and you eased his passing. I hope you can find some peace and your mum comes to appreciate all you did.

Big love.

ClaraOswald Fri 07-Jun-13 18:47:00

Kansas, I am so sorry for your loss.

These past few days especially have been very trying for you, and very intense. Your love and dedication to him have shone through so much.

All I can do is offer love and sympathy to you and your family.x

fackinell Fri 07-Jun-13 19:12:11

Oh Kansas, feeling so sad for you. Not surprised you can't sleep. It'll be all the adrenaline coursing through your veins with the stress.

As for will you see him again, each one of us will have a different belief but my personal one is we do.

Nothing can take your grief away but I at least hope you can get some sleep tonight. He's a peace now and sounds like he was a lovely man. thanks

Trumpton Fri 07-Jun-13 20:06:05

My friend lost her Dad not longer after I looked after " My boney King of nowhere " nickname for my 6 ft 4 inch dad who stayed at home until he died . I remember her note to me saying that " Us Daddies girls must stick together " and I send the same thought to you.

All the Daddies' girls send their love.

lymeregis Fri 07-Jun-13 22:23:39

Dear Kansas, I have been thinking of you. So sorry to hear of your loss. In my thoughts.

kansasmum Sat 08-Jun-13 09:12:08

Finally managed to sleep- crashed out for 9 hours straight so feel MUCH better now.
Going to clean my house today- my best friend was going to do it yesterday with my cleaner but then Dad died the night before so everything got cancelled. But will be nice to clean up and keep busy.
Going to see mum later.
Beautiful day here again.
Keep thinking of lovely things Dad said to me over the last few weeks- said I was his best girl, and that I had the kindest heart - makes me cry but in a good way. God I miss him. Xxx

Dutchoma Sat 08-Jun-13 10:12:45

So glad to hear you slept Kansasmum. It's quite cool here this morning, but promises to warm up later. Glad the sun is shining for you.

Homebird8 Sat 08-Jun-13 12:05:58

Thinking of you Kansasmum. Bury yourself in the cleaning if it helps. How is your DD? You said she and her grandad were close.

kansasmum Sat 08-Jun-13 14:19:18

My ED is doing ok. She still has moments of tears but she is trying to keep busy. She's gone with her lovely boyfriend to see his brother today. He is severely disabled and lives in a residential centre. She sent me such a sweet picture of her boyfriend and his brother on the swings togethersmile
Going down to see mum this pm. She is doing ok- lots of friends coming to see her which helps.
My house is nearly sorted!

kansasmum Sat 08-Jun-13 21:53:46

Why can't I cry today? I went to mums and thought it would set me off again but no.
I've kept busy blitzing my house. It feels like something switched off inside me today.
I miss my dad but feel nothing todaysad

Themobstersknife Sat 08-Jun-13 21:58:34

Kansas it is totally normal. When my mum died, I didn't cry for ages. A few days after she died, I had a conversation with my boss which basically brought on a panic attack but still no tears. I didn't cry at the funeral because I was being strong for my siblings. In the next few weeks, the tears would come at the strangest times, but mainly when I was driving to work. Everyone deals with things in their own ways. Grief on the telly is all about tears. Grief in reality takes many different forms. Bless you. You will cry. In your own time and in your own way.

Homebird8 Sat 08-Jun-13 21:59:53

I don't think I could sort my house that quickly Kansasmum, even with a cleaning urge upon me! Funny how everyone responds differently to loss. I just needed friends around me and quietly in their houses they fed me and listened and rebuilt me. I'm so glad your ED has her boyfriend and a visit to his brother sounds like a good idea. Swings are great whatever your age or ability. Exercise and fun. Your mum's friends seem to be a good support for her too. Take time for you. What is supporting you. don't be afraid to seek help from your friends too. They will be happy to be there for you.

This bit before the funeral is odd. Have you all started to make plans yet?

I'm sure your dad knew how much you would miss him and knew the comfort of his words about your kind heart would comfort you. You did the very best for him that you could. It's tough but you were both strong and gentle, sensible and loving. Not an easy balance. He must have been very proud of you. flowers

kansasmum Sat 08-Jun-13 22:31:13

Yesterday I kept crying on and off all day but was totally exhausted so that probably contributed.
As a nurse I have always told people there is no right or wrong way to grieve so perhaps I should take my own advice.
Feel guilty for not crying- oh I dont know what I feel!

Themobstersknife Sat 08-Jun-13 22:32:41

Don't feel guilty. Take care.

Wombatsliketoast Sat 08-Jun-13 22:34:38

My Dad died six weeks ago. He was always keen for me to look after my money - "look after the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves".

Nearly every day I find a penny in an odd place - inside an old gardening glove, jammed in the self serve change dispenser at Tesco, on my car seat, on the kitchen floor even though I've vacumed moments before and lots more.

Strange times.

Take care of yourself kansas. Your Dad will be looking out for you.

Heavywheezing Sat 08-Jun-13 22:42:22

So sorry Kansas. It's evident from your posts that you loved your dad.

Homebird8 Sat 08-Jun-13 23:58:41

Definitely time to take your own advice Kansasmum. Do it your way and don't compare that to other people except to marvel at our individuality. Cry if tears come. Be practical or smile or joke if that's the way you feel at that moment. And if you flip between them then that's ok too.

We found it was important to make the funeral one which had a bit of everyone in it so that we all had our small corner of memorial in it. Dad chose music, my DSis chose a reading and wrote a prayer, I wrote and read a eulogy, my aunt made cake. What does your heart tell you? Maybe ask your DSis and your mum and your ED the same question. Make something beautiful which will pull you together in it's diversity.

Sending you a hand hold for every moment of every day. flowers

WandaDoff Sun 09-Jun-13 02:07:27

I didn't cry for a long time after Dad died. I did all the practical stuff, such as arranging the funeral & wake. generally taking control of things where I could.

I found it to be, a strange, family time, where we made practical arrangements, but had to properly interract with each other for the 1st time in years.

I found that I didn't seem to grieve really till I got home to Scotland with DP & the family. Which was maybe a month after the huge shock of Dads sudden illness & my sudden dash home.

WandaDoff Sun 09-Jun-13 02:11:57

Just take each day as it comes, my love.

He knew that you loved him. You proved that over & over.

The next few weeks are going to be an absolute bastard angry

You'll get through it though, & you'll come out stronger the other side.

I wish you peace, & hope, & a lot of love. xxx

Dutchoma Sun 09-Jun-13 09:54:50

Remembering you and your family in thought and prayer.

kansasmum Sun 09-Jun-13 21:15:50

Well today was a bit surreal. Choosing a coffin, choosing clothes for Dad to be buried in, sorting out an order of service. Mum and I spent a coupe of hours going through old photos and I have a big envelope of photos of Dad which I'm going to make a montage of, to display at the wake.

Had a huge hissy fit at poor Dh today over some thing ridiculous - and a good sob afterwards.
Still feel really tiredsad. Went to church tonight and friends there were lovely- which of course made me cry!

My ED has written a lovely little piece to read at the service and Eli wrote something too- he won't read it at the funeral but what he wrote was sweetsmile

Early night for me tonight I think.

So, so sorry Kansas. I have been where you are now and the 5th anniversary of my DF's death is approaching. I am dreading it sad There are no words and no right or wrong way to grieve - be kind to yourself - your dad is resting now and would want you to rest too. You did everything you could for him flowers

kansasmum Mon 10-Jun-13 10:21:46

Oh bloody hell - Yd has her Maths GCSE re-sit on Fridaysad I had completely forgotten. Crap mum that I am. Friday is when the funeral is.
Just phoned the school and they are ringing me back later.
I was trying really are not to cry on the phone.
Surely this sort of thing has happened before? Kids must get ill or family members die during exam time?

Off to the funeral directors shortly. Feeling crap today.

Homebird8 Mon 10-Jun-13 10:42:41

Oh Kansasmum, don't beat yourself up about not remembering YD's exam. Things slip at times like this. I hope school can help you sort it out. Likewise I'm sure your DH will forgive you. If you can't throw a hissy fit now, however ridiculous, then when can you? He knows you're holding so many things together. He's just struggling to keep up I suspect.

All that decision making to do with the funeral is exhausting and there are so many things to do. We buried mum in a bright red wool dress that she'd just bought and worn once, with great pleasure, just before she died. I nearly bought a matching one to wear for the funeral (but it wasn't my shade of red!)

Thinking of you as you find the things you need to do. Hope you are coping. flowers

Kansas - this year at my DS4's school - there have been 2 year 11's who have lost their Mums and one year 11 whose sister has died. They have bent over backwards to help all 3 pupils. I am sure they will be as accommodating as they can. You are right, when someone you love dies everything else goes out of the window doesn't it? I think thats because your world has been turned upside down and 'normal' everyday stuff doesn't seem to belong in it xx

Wondering how 'things' are for you xx

kansasmum Wed 12-Jun-13 17:39:14

I'm not too ad. Funeral is on Friday and I've done the Ordervif Service, booked the restaurant or family meal

kansasmum Wed 12-Jun-13 17:47:40

Arghhhh pressed post too soon! Done the order of service, booked meal for family between Burial and Thanksgiving service, sorted Caterers for tea after service, helped my sister buy an outfit and bought myself shoes as I ad dress and no shoes, took mum shopping to get an outfit- she proceeded to tell the sales assistant in a v loud voice all about Dad dying including how he "died in her arms"- ( he didn't, she was holding his hand but whatever....!), liaised with Vicar over service so think everything's sorted.
Tonight I am going out for a meal for a friends birthday with a lot of the other mums from school - will be nice to go out. Tomorrow I'm going to work - need to do something otherwise I will wallow.
Dreading Friday though I really amsad

ClaraOswald Wed 12-Jun-13 18:40:48

Kansas- you sound like you are doing everything you can to keep busy.
Friday,it may hit you all at once or it may even be next week, when there is nothing tangible to focus on except he is no longer with you. Take the time you need to look after yourself.

Dutchoma Wed 12-Jun-13 19:22:46

You are doing so well, especially with your mum, that must be really hard. What hymns are you having?

FrameyMcFrame Wed 12-Jun-13 19:42:09

Sorry Kansasmum, love to you and your family.

i lost my Dad too, it's hard flowers

kansasmum Wed 12-Jun-13 23:36:55

Dutchoma - we are having how great thou art, O Jesus I have Promised and ( my fave) The day thou gavest - which is guaranteed to make me cry!

Nice meal tonight and a few laughs!

Homebird8 Thu 13-Jun-13 08:01:10

Those hymns are great Kansasmum, some wonderful words of comfort.

Glad going out with your friends gave you a few laughs too. It does help to take your mind off things sometimes. You've achieved some amazing things in the last few days. I'll be praying for you on Friday. Don't worry. It'll be ok. flowers

Oh I love the hymns you have chosen. 'Oh Jesus I have promised' was one that we always sung at school.

My Dad has told me that when his 'time comes' he wants 'our' song played. 'We dont cry out loud' by Elkie Brookes. One of the lines in it is 'Baby (meaning me) can't be broken cause you see.....she had the finest teacher thats me (meaning Dad). I have told him I will make sure it is played.

Will light a candle here in Lancashire on Friday. To honour your Dad and all the family. xx

Dutchoma Thu 13-Jun-13 10:34:50

Wonderful hymns, Kansas. Makes me shed a tear already. Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Wolfiefan Thu 13-Jun-13 10:39:22

So sorry for your loss. I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

kansasmum Fri 14-Jun-13 08:55:53

The day is heresad
Already feel sick and shaking.
Goodbye my darling Dad you really were the best. I love you xxxx

Thinking about you today - have already lit my candle in honour of your Dad.

I know this sounds silly but I hope the day goes well for you. Goodnight God bless Kansas Dad xxxxx

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on her casket from beginning to the end. He noted that first came the date of her birth and spoke of the following date with tears, but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years. For that dash represents all the time that she spent alive on earth and now only those who loved her know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own, the cars, the house, the cash,

What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard; Are there things you would like to change?

For you never know how much time is left that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough to consider what is true and real

and always try to understand the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger and show appreciation more

and love the people in our lives like we have never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile,

Remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read with your life’s actions to rehash…

Would you be proud of the things they say about how you spent your dash?


Dutchoma Fri 14-Jun-13 11:36:44

Thinking of you today.

ClaraOswald Fri 14-Jun-13 13:56:09

You're in my thoughts.x

Homebird8 Fri 14-Jun-13 21:20:34

Hope it went well today Kansasmum. I have been thinking of you.

StupidMistakes Sat 15-Jun-13 17:16:25

Hello Kansas. I haven't read your whole thread but I thought I would say I feel your pain. It's a month today since I lost my mum to liver cancer and less than two since she was diagnosed. I can barely bare the pain.

Thinking of you today Kansas. Beautiful poem, Shabs. Made me well up - and I have't really vried since my Dad died a year ago. Miss him terribly but wouldn't wish him bakc in the state he was in.

Ask your school to apply for Special Consideration, Kansas. 2 of my students have had it this year for their Grandparents.

Love to all those who are bereaved. Xxx

kansasmum Sat 15-Jun-13 20:43:33

Yesterday was bloody hard. So final. The burial was to be honest bloody horrible- I wept buckets.

But the service in the afternoon was better- happier and loads of nice memories of Dad. My Dh did the Eulogy with my cousin- Dh's bit was about more recent years and my cousin's was about the earlier years. Dh was brilliant and his speech made me cry.

Took my Ds to Dad's grave after the service to lay flowers and say his goodbye. He kissed the cross marking Dad's gravesmile

I was exhausted by the end of the day but still not sleeping wellsad

Today was a bit weird. We've been in this bubble for weeks and now the bubble as burst and life has to return to normal- whatever normal is now.

Went shopping in Exeter with dh. Mum jumped at the chance to have Ds for the afternoon which she never really did before - they had a lovely afternoon together and probably wore Mum out in a good way!

Have my niece for a sleepover tonight.

Father's Day tomorrow- my first without a Dadsad

Kansasmum, I have read this whole thread and am so sorry for your loss. I lost my darling dad in April and tomorrow is my first Father's Day without him, feel so sad and empty. My dad had a long illness too - he had Parkinson's, then lots of other things wrong, finally was in hospital for more than 2 months with recurrent chest infections and the last complication was pneumonia. I cherish the last week I had with him, when I told him all he meant to me, told him it was ok to let go and go to heaven, and I promised him I would always make him proud. The grief is hard and comes in bumps and waves, but it has brought the rest of our family closer together. You sound like a lovely daughter and your dad will be watching over you and be with you in spirit always. I hope you get through tomorrow ok. Thinking of you and your family x

Dutchoma Sun 16-Jun-13 10:14:29

I have been without my dad for over 30 years and still miss him. For the last ten years of his life I didn't live in the same country and so did not see him that much, but we stayed in touch. He died a week before my dd was born, so I couldn't attend the funeral.
All three of us (Kansas, Fluffy and I) are lucky to have had good fathers whose memories we cherish.

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