Trinityrhinos Unspeakably Shit Stuff part two

(955 Posts)
TrinityRhino Tue 14-May-13 20:39:51

Hi everyone
Thank you for so much help and such kind words x

IwishIwasmoreorganised Tue 14-May-13 20:42:08

I was too slow on part one Trin.

The title of this one is (unfortunately) perfect.

Salbertina Tue 14-May-13 20:43:56

You're much loved on here, Trinity, hope that brings a smidgeon of comfort. Theres always someone on, whenever you need it. Take care x

You said it all in your title, trinity

I can waste hours and hours on t'interweb - can random surfing help you get through the evening?

Do you have plans for Cliff's funeral? Any favorite songs/hymns of his or yours?

Trumpton Tue 14-May-13 20:46:43

Just to say that I am thinking of you all. Will keep posting on thir new thread.

Evening Trin smile

AtYourCervix Tue 14-May-13 20:47:55

Thinking of you often Trinity. Your strength is extraordinary.

ExcuseTypos Tue 14-May-13 20:48:50

Hello again Trinity.

We are still all here for you. Xx

Grockle Tue 14-May-13 20:49:49

Thinking of you, Trinity. I'm able to help with googling & finding info etc too. Or just to hold a hand and listen. brew

Can you watch some crap TV? Greggs, more than meets the pie, is about to start on Sky 2. Just something to keep your brain occupied?

DottyDot Tue 14-May-13 20:52:21

Still thinking of you and checking in - loving the photos and so glad you're wearing your ring xx

ClaraOswald Tue 14-May-13 21:05:43

if you are looking for crap tv, Eurovision semis are on?

Kbear Tue 14-May-13 21:12:40

Trinity, I'm so sorry to read this - I can only add my condolences to you and your family, stay strong, remember him and wear your ring with pride xx

mrsmindcontrol Tue 14-May-13 21:13:50

Thinking of you Trinity. Wishing so much there was something I could do to practically help. Just know that so many of you are holding you in our hearts & minds; I really hope you can get some strength from that xx

mrsmindcontrol Tue 14-May-13 21:14:17

So many of us

AuntieEggy Tue 14-May-13 21:14:35

So sorry to hear about your loss.
There are no words flowers

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Tue 14-May-13 21:15:04

Oh Trinity! I just cant believe this. How unbelievably, totally and utterly shitty! sad I am sending you all my love and a huge link{http://hug[[hug]]
On\a more practical note, and thinking of your lovely girls, the wee children that I used to look after, who lost their mum, benefitted greatly from [[http://www.cpft.nhs.uk/services/stars_2.htm the Stars Project}
Its a bereavement counselling service for 0-19yolds. There is a national service that you may be able to access it locally. I can totally recommend it.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Tue 14-May-13 21:16:25

Total links cock up! Heres your {{{hug}}}
And here is the Stars link! blush

MelodyBaker Tue 14-May-13 21:30:57

The title sums it up. You shouldn't be going through this again. Don't do anything to hard, take it slow.
Thinking of you and your girls x

giraffescantleavemn Tue 14-May-13 21:31:56

Hey missus.

You are just a bit too far for me to pop down easily, although I wish I could. Do you have everyone coming round at weekend? Or are they all not up until Monday?

If it wasn't a 200 mile round trip I could come down more...or perhaps if my car ran off water not petrol grin

How is dd2 knitting going?

TrinityRhino Tue 14-May-13 21:32:02

lol saggy
thankyou smile

that looks really good

TrinityRhino Tue 14-May-13 21:34:17

her knitting is going really well

she has been taught to cast off by our neighbour now

she has decided she is going to do squares and make a blanket to put on the sofa where cliff used to sit

cjel Tue 14-May-13 21:36:12

oh a comfort blanket how lovley.xx

That's a lovely idea. We'll make a woolly hugger of her yet!

TrinityRhino Tue 14-May-13 21:37:18

I wish you could come over more easily too
<starts to work on a water powered car>

What a lovely idea!

YoniMatopoeia Tue 14-May-13 21:41:25

Am here for you Trin

Wolfiefan Tue 14-May-13 21:42:01

I read the last thread and was honestly lost for words (not like me at all.) I didn't have a clue what to post. I just wanted to agree with others that your thread title is completely apt. I know MN is full of people wanting to wish you well and offer support. (I'm just one of them!)

fuzzpig Tue 14-May-13 21:52:13

Knitting is a great idea. Probably better than me already blush

MelodyBaker Tue 14-May-13 21:56:46

Your not alone trin. Your alone without another adult with you but someone is on mn whenever you need. We are here.
Cliff sounds wonderful. Please look after yourself x

ChippingInLovesSunshine Tue 14-May-13 22:00:24

Trin - I still can't believe it. Lots of love & squishy hugs x

Knitting squares for a blanket where Cliff sat - what a lovely idea. And will be so therpeutic for her. Maybe you should knit too? Keeps the hands busy and give the satisfaction of a finished product in the end?

NomDeClavier Tue 14-May-13 22:04:39

Knitting is very therapeutic. Hopefully it will help DD2, and the idea of a blanket is lovely.

Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Signing in and adding my love and support

sweetkitty Tue 14-May-13 22:07:01

Hey Trin I befriended you on FB today just wanted to say I was thinking of you, I remember your threads from 4 years ago and can't believe your going through it all again. Wish there was something I could do to help ease your pain.

Xxxxxxx

mummylin Tue 14-May-13 22:09:55

Thinking of you and yours again tonight, wishing you a good few hours sleep. Hoping you manage to sort things how you want them to be tomorrow. X

TrinityRhino Tue 14-May-13 22:15:13

I have always wanted to learn to crochet
I can knit a bit I can cast on and knit
but dont know how to do pearl or cast off blush

LemonMousse Tue 14-May-13 22:16:06

So very sorry to hear this sad it is just so bloody unfair angry

Sending hugs and peaceful thoughts to you and your girls x

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte Tue 14-May-13 22:17:33

Just wanting to add my condolences. I am so, so sorry.

IwishIwasmoreorganised Tue 14-May-13 22:18:50

DS2 (4.11) is working on a portal to save him from having to endure long car journeys.

I'll get him to crack on with it so we can all pop up Trinity smile

Knitting a blanket is a lovely idea.

Xxxx

notsoyoniface Tue 14-May-13 22:23:08

I missed your last thread, but you have my deepest, deepest sympathy flowers

Catmint Tue 14-May-13 22:23:27

Hi Trinity, you don't know me but I came across your first thread and did not know what to post.
I can't not post, I just wanted to send you very warm hugs at this awful time. Xx

mummylin Tue 14-May-13 22:24:14

Trinity, I think that there will probably be tutorials on the net somewhere, or you tube if you really want to learn to crochet. It's quite easy , honestly.

mistlethrush Tue 14-May-13 22:26:20

Trin - I think you've done wonders today... shower, food, dog walked etc. And getting the dds on board to lend a hand too.

Trinity my heart goes out to you and your family.

Thinking of you.

FayKnights Tue 14-May-13 22:34:38

Signing in to send you my thoughts Trin xxxx

YoniWidge Tue 14-May-13 22:40:29

Little late to this, but adding my hand to the many that are already squeezing yours. Take care x

Thinking of you xxx

tribpot Tue 14-May-13 22:46:52

Thinking of you all, Trinity. And if you want a hand getting back into knitting, just say the word and we'll sort you out virtually or in person.

iMe Tue 14-May-13 22:53:44

Trinity, I only saw your threads tonight. Skimmed through them and could hardly believe what I was reading. Sending you sympathies and hope you find the strength you need to deal with everything (again). Xoxo

Hello my love. So sorry to hear your news. Here to hold your hand and help you up those hills. xx

ILoveWoollyStuff Tue 14-May-13 23:07:48

Thinking of you. Just over the border from you so if there's anything I can do I will.
Take care.

daisydalrymple Tue 14-May-13 23:12:29

Lit a candle and thought of you all tonight.
Much love to you all.
Hoping you're fast asleep by now.
DS is same age as Gecko. I can't believe, like so many others, this has happened again.
You know you can get through this, but this isn't something you should have to have done ever again.
Your family photos are full of warmth and love, i hope all of that helps you through the dark times
xxx
xxx
xxx

MaryMotherOfCheeses Tue 14-May-13 23:15:48

Trinity, I don't post on MN that much any more but I'm just so sorry to hear this bad news. You have had so much to deal with and you are in my thoughts xxx

KurriKurri Tue 14-May-13 23:32:33

Oh Trinity - I have been away for a few days and have just read this thread. -I am so, so sorry my dear. I can't think of the right words - unspeakably shit says it all sad You and your girls are very much in my thoughts. xx

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Tue 14-May-13 23:56:59

I have to confess to giggling a bit when I read your post about not knowing how to purl stitch or cast off. Just had this vision of god knows how many of us grabbing our screens and trying to dive through to you to tell you how to do it grin my fingers are actually twitching to show you!

Sounds like a tough day tomorrow, we'll all be there with you in our thoughts.

PurplePillow Wed 15-May-13 00:09:55

Trinity, I will try and get through all the stuff I have to do so I can spend a few hours with you before I go for mum, you are coping really well, Cliff will be proud of how strong you're being, I am too

Lots of love PP and girls xxxxx

Goldmandra Wed 15-May-13 00:10:05

Adding my sorrow to hear your unspeakably shit news Trinity.

I bet there are videos on YouTube showing you how to pearl and cast off. I'd tell you but I don't think it's possible to find a way to do that on MN.

Sending ((((HUGS)))) instead.

PurplePillow Wed 15-May-13 00:11:06

Oh as for crocheting that's easy, we'll have you doing it your sleep soon xxx

rubyrubyruby Wed 15-May-13 03:25:54

Trinity - I posted on your original thread on Saturday morning.

Just reading through and I think you and all MNers are amazing.
You are never alone, I'm awake now (bloody dog) and thinking of you and there is always one of us thinking, reaching out or shedding a tear for you x

It's lovely to see pictures of Cliff xxxxx

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Wed 15-May-13 04:08:31

I'm so sorry Trinity, just awful xxx

Hi lovely. I know it sounds silly but someone at work was talking about grief today and said the pain you feel is the flip side to love and you have to remember the love as you feel it.

I'm not one for platitudes and the like but she seemed so peaceful and resigned when she said it. Sort of accepting if it makes sense. I thought of you when she said it.

I've become an avid watcher of shit TV on the iPad as have awful pregnancy insomnia. Greggs is great, well anything that can make you chuckle at 3am is doing something right.

Sending you and those precious kiddies lots of love.

Thumbwitch Wed 15-May-13 04:44:47

Adding my continuing support Trin - that was a fantastic post by mouseface on the last thread.

I'm sure DD1 wasn't really upset by the minecraft thing - but it allowed her space to vent her grief. I remember hearing about someone who lost several family members, was very stoical about it all and then fell apart when the family hamster died - the little things allow the floodgates to open sometimes.
xx

TobyLerone Wed 15-May-13 06:19:24

Trin, there are loads of knitting and crochet tutorials on youtube. They're brilliant! It's such a great distraction, I find.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morning trinity.

I'd agree with what a fantastic post mouseface wrote at the end of the other thread. Please save that thread in your watch list and go back and read it often.

There is always someone here for you even if you don't have anyone physically with you. Some nest of vipers eh?

I'm fact here you go - cut and posted from the other thread...

Trin - physically, you have no 'adult' there, but you have your girls, and YOU HAVE US.

There is at least one of us there with you single every minute, of every single hour, of single every day.

You are not alone. You are not, I promise you.

I know this thread is coming to the end which may feel wrong, so put it on you watch list so you can back to it when you want to if you think it will help.

Gather up the words you want to take with you, the strength that Cliff gave you is staying with you, it will come to the next thread too, in your heart so that's sorted...

Take what you need and turn the page. That's all you have to do tonight, we'll all move over with you darling lady, we'll all follow your lead.

YOU didn't upset DD, the situation did, her emotions did, her grief did, the fact that she'd been with you and worked hard to get those damn diamonds did.

NOT YOU.

I'll see you on the other thread lovely. One Post At A Time.

I wish that I had one of those Star Trek transporter type thingymebobs and could whizz up there to be with you tonight, just to sit, hold you if you wanted me to, feed you with cake, chocolate, cake, cheese, well, maybe that would be for me

Listen to stories of Cliff, the daft things he did, farting and blaming it on Lolly to make the girls giggle? The way he'd chase them until they got hiccups?

One of his 'tricks'? Stories of his hat, The Hat. Stories of days out, nights in, stories of you sat up all night talking about life, love and laundry.

I'm saying goodnight to you all now lovely, you and your beautiful girls.

See you on the new thread in the morning.

Love to you all. That and cake

Mouse xx

TrinityRhino Wed 15-May-13 08:07:39

thanks yellow smile

saffronwblue Wed 15-May-13 08:16:01

I don't know what to say (and you don't know me) but just wanted to say that here is one more person sending love and sympathy to you and your girls. Gorgeous photos of your gorgeous man.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 15-May-13 08:17:36

Morning Trinity, will be thinking of you today.

AgathaF Wed 15-May-13 08:38:21

Thinking of you and wishing you strength. Your DC sound lovely - that's down to you and the good influences they have, and have had, in their lives.

HorsesDogsNails Wed 15-May-13 08:46:52

Trinity I am teaching myself to crochet and it's going well! I bought myself a book called The Happy Hooker(!) and it has really clear instructions and loads of patterns..... I started 2 weeks ago having never knitted or crocheted and I'm just about to finish my first scarf.

I read your other thread but didn't know what to write to you, but you have been in my thoughts a lot and I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I hope the crochet helps, it will give you a distraction at least x

TrinityRhino Wed 15-May-13 09:01:28

the happy hooker....that did make me laugh smile

TrinityRhino Wed 15-May-13 09:47:54

making lots of phonecalls
sort of getting somewhere

Your photos are lovely, cliff seems like a very cheeky chappy, a loveable sort! You are being very brave, keep eating cake and (as my nan would've said) "walk tall" x

NC78 Wed 15-May-13 10:17:40

I've just seen this. So sorry to hear this. xxx

Eskino Wed 15-May-13 10:21:35

Trin, if there were water powered cars, we'd all be round at yours smile

Are you bearing up? Xx

BobblyGussets Wed 15-May-13 10:26:56

Hi, Trinity, I am sure we've had a laugh on a thread way back (you were on the lesbian and gay bakery products thread with me, I think), so I know your name.

I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, you have horrible images, but you were there for Cliff, until the last. You did your very best. You couldn't have done anymore, and for a large part of it, I bet Cliff was very much aware of your presence. I lost my Nan earlier in the year and that was hard for me, so I can't imagine your pain, but I hope you feel better and someday soon, are able to savour the nice memories.

BumpingFuglies Wed 15-May-13 10:38:24

Just looked at photos, what a lovely man. Sending my love to you this morning x

MaryBS Wed 15-May-13 10:43:00

hugs

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 15-May-13 10:45:59

Good for you, lots of brew and [cake] to keep your strength up.

ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp Wed 15-May-13 10:57:07

So sorry to read of your loss. It is unspeakably shit, that is right. Your love for your girls shines through, hold fast to them and do whatever gets you through the day. So many here with wise words already, I just want to send love strength hugs cake and for you to know you are not alone. We may be just words on a screen but behind the screen is a world of women sitting standing and walking this long road with you. Hope today goes as well as it can, just one day at a time Trin.

Morning trinity (I know its late morning but its still morning)

Hope today goes as well as can be expected. Take care of yourself.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 15-May-13 11:10:11

oh Trinity, I am so very sorry. Again, you and your family face loss. Sending you love and hugs. flowers

Jux Wed 15-May-13 11:13:12

Oh yes, if we had water powered cars I'd bring all my hooks round to yours, and my needles - purling is quite easy but easier to learn by watching than by explanation. YouTube is your friend there.

Thinking of you with candle lit.

LtEveDallas Wed 15-May-13 11:30:03

Morning Trinity, I hope you are bearing up. I just wanted to say, your obvious love for Cliff has always shone through on the occasions you have posted about him. Cling to that maybe; how happy you were, how he helped you and the DC to smile again, how he kept you grounded.

I know its trite, and one hell of a cliche, but the "Better to have loved and lost" line is very true in my opinion. Don't focus on the fact he has gone, take comfort from the fact that he was there at all.

Thinking of you still my love.

ChestyNut Wed 15-May-13 12:56:26

Just checking in to say still thinking of you and the DCs

thanks

AuldAlliance Wed 15-May-13 13:01:31

Thinking of you all.

Just signing in to the new thread smile

{{{hugs}}}

I've signed up for your blanket too.
I thought that it's funny that you've chosen sea themes when DP's name is Cliff.
I think (from what I've learned about his sense of humour), he'd think that's funny too.
smile

brew

CouthyMow Wed 15-May-13 13:50:18

Will catch up later, but didn't want to miss your new thread. Much love.

Trinity Haven't been in touch on the decluttering thread as life fell apart for me a bit but nothing like you have facing you just now.

Had to laugh at the Happy Hooker book title. grin

When I was 18 <many years ago> I went to stay with some Canadian friends near Halifax, Nova Scotia.

The mum took me along to a craft group she had joined who showed me how to do rug hooking-they were all 70+ & called themselves "The Happy Hookers" & giggled everytime they told anyone!

Just a silly story.....more gentle hugs to you all xxxx

Thumbwitch Wed 15-May-13 14:30:04

Trin - just a thought - would a cow be inappropriate on your blanket? Or would it make you smile?

MunchkinsMumof2 Wed 15-May-13 14:30:40

Checking in on the new thread too just to say hello and that I'm still thinking if you and your gorgeous girls. Hope you've got a good supply of tea and cake and some distracting activities. Knitting could be a good hobby to start as it's supposed to be therapeutic.

venusandmars Wed 15-May-13 14:31:09

Trinity, I agree so much with something that mouseface posted on your previous thread - it was something about how Cliff had made you stronger, and how that will never leave you...

I remember your posts when Neil died, and some of the difficulty and chaos you had to face afterwards, and I have to say you sound like a much, much stronger person. You are stronger and more resilient, and having Cliff in your life has helped with that. But the strength is yours, and even without Cliff as a physical presence beside you, there will be times when the strength of his spirit and yours (together) will get you through. Of course there may be moments of complete despair, but I also think that if those moments happen you will find strength and support from somewhere inside, and you'll keep on putting one foot in front of the other, until you get through the crisis moment.

I read posts about the really practical things you are doing - having a shower, doing things with your dc, what you've eaten, doing the washing up. And every time I give a little cheer. It's important for you, and it's important for the girls.

This is such a terrible thing to happen to you, and you will survive.

Mouseface Wed 15-May-13 14:53:33

Hey Trin

Just wanted to send you some Mousey love to you all today and say a HUGE thank you thanks to YellowDinosaur for C&Ping my post from the last thread to here, typo's and grammatical errors included! grin

Carrying on with the knitting/crocheting theme, my mum is in a group of ladies who quilt. She calls it her Bitch & Stitch group. I found out by chance one night after calling to speak to her, only for my father to say "She's gone to Bitch & Stitch" grin

Maybe that could be a side line for the WoollyHugs™ lot? wink

Hope you've all had something to eat today, and that you got some sleep? Do you need an on-line food shop doing or anything? It's no bother, you can FB me a list?

Mouse xx

TrinityRhino Wed 15-May-13 14:58:08

a cow on the blanket would make me smile smile

I need to go shopping but im having trouble finding the strength

dd2 is a very fussy eater and weve run out of her things.
I dont want to bother anyone

TrinityRhino Wed 15-May-13 14:59:41

could someone maybe find some threads where Ive talked about cliff. im useless at searching

TrinityRhino Wed 15-May-13 15:00:34

im reading all posts
they are so kind and helping so much
Thank you

Mouseface Wed 15-May-13 15:09:49

TRIN!!!!

Tell me what you need and I'll do you an online shop, it's really no bother smile xx

amicissimma Wed 15-May-13 16:24:48

I've just found this. Words can't express how sorry I am.

MrsYamada Wed 15-May-13 17:16:03

So sorry to read this, will be thinking of you. <hug>xx

FoofFighter Wed 15-May-13 17:30:46

Bloody shitting hell sad

I thought this (well the first one) was a zombie thread re-surfacing at first, took my breath away.

Can't believe you are all going through this again, and so soon after the last time Trinity, )I know your back story although I don't think we've ever "talked")

Thinking of you all and DP's family too thanks

venusandmars Wed 15-May-13 17:31:00

Trin here is a collection of the things you've posted about Cliff over the past couple of days (with a bit of re-ordering so that it makes sense). It is nearly all of your own words, but I've added in a couple of mn comments in places (in italics)....

About Cliff
He was a big strong man. He had a red hat he wore all the time. He used to call his crocs 'melly mels' ‘cause we once saw a picture of Mel Gibson in crocs and he was trying to convince me that crocs were cool ‘cause Mel Gibson wore them and I fancied Mel Gibson when he was younger!

He loved curry, he used to spend hours in the kitchen making curries from scratch - really hot and tasty. I used to taste them, they were really tasty but waaay too hot for me. He used to love to sweat whilst eating a curry.

He loved fishing, the sea, nature. We used to go and collect the flatfish from the salmon nets in the sea outside my house.

He was so loving and kind but in private He was a big strong man’s man but with a soft squishy heart. I used to call him my teddy bear in a crocodile suit.

Oh they (the crocs) will never be cool but they worked really well for paddling in the sea and walking the dog on the sand. He loved them because they were practical. I agreed they were practical but ugh!!

^(many posters on the thread described him as your ‘Gentle Giant’)^

We choose an engagement ring at the end of last year. He wanted to do it properly and he was waiting for the right time. Silly sod, he was just joking a couple of days ago that he’s panicking about doing it right and he should get on with it. He knew I wanted a proper proposal but all I meant was heartfelt words and maybe down on one knee.

I found the ring. He didn't have many places to 'hide' it <weak smile>. Its a little big now, I've lost some weight since I gave up drinking, I'm hoping I can get it resized. I want to wear it now. I'm wearing his chain too. I’m wearing his ring because purplepillow is amazing and went and bought one of those weird things that make your ring fit temporarily till you can get it resized.

Cliff had a serious heart attack in September of last year, he had a stent put in and had damaged his heart quite a lot. He was on lots of medication but we really thought things were looking up. He was stable as it were. For a good few months after the heart attack he was in and out of hospital but then we got his meds sorted and he had finished his cardiac training sessions and was going to the local gym twice a week, his fatal heart nurse(what a name!) was happy with his stats.

He has five adult children that I am close to, but they all live far away.

He was very proud of me for giving up the booze, and the fags. I’m not going back to drink or fags, no chance. My girls and me deserve better.
Cliff was the complete opposite of a gamer, managing to work out how to record and playback things on the sky plus box was about as techie as he got.

I think I've added a photo on my profile of Cliff - I thought maybe you might want to see who I'm talking about. I’ve added another picture of him in his silly red hat. He had a problem ear that he had to keep the wind out of so his hat was always on his head outside. I always thought it was a silly looking thing but it was him.

Ugh double beds are not made for sharing with 2 wriggly kids. I was trying to convince Cliff that we needed a super king size bed for the morning cuddles when all three girls and the dog wanted to climb into bed and have a snuggle.....

He really was an amazing bloke. He made me a stronger me. God I miss him so much.

^He made you shine again, he made you laugh again, he made you YOU again. That will never leave you sweetheart, it might be hidden just now whilst you are getting through the pain, the grief, the twisted torment that haunts you. Your gentle giant has given you his strength. Xxx^

He has, he really has. Its making me cry right now but its so true and will make me smile in time.

Mouseface Wed 15-May-13 17:45:11

venus - that is truly amazing. You are fabulous, you really are for finding that and posting it. And thank you for re-posting that last bit I wrote to Trin, that's made ME cry again now too! xx

Trin - Save this thread to your 'Watch' list too, and print out what venus has written, or C&P it to someone with a printer if you've not got one to do it for you.

<passes tissues to those in need>

Hassled Wed 15-May-13 17:48:24

Trinity - you've had so much wonderful support here and I know there are so many others thinking of you. You'll always have someone here to be alongside you, in cyberspace if not in person.

TrinityRhino Wed 15-May-13 17:48:59

oh venus

thankyou

<tears>

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 15-May-13 17:57:56

That's a wonderful picture altogether venus
Thank you.
Hope your phone calls got some stuff ticked off your list Trinityand that you had a calm day.

mrsmindcontrol Wed 15-May-13 20:40:47

How's your evening going Trinity? Are you still aiming to get the girls in their own beds? Thinking of you & wishing you strength x

madhairday Wed 15-May-13 21:00:10

I've only just seen this. I have no words, but wanted you to know here's another mumsnetter thinking of you. sad thanks

WandaDoff Wed 15-May-13 21:11:09

venus smile

thanks for Trin

Mouseface Wed 15-May-13 21:32:58

Trin

I wanted to point this out He was very proud of me for giving up the booze, and the fags. I’m not going back to drink or fags, no chance. My girls and me deserve better.

You know I'm on the BraveBabes threads, and for me to read those words, see them in black and white, knowing what you went through, the desperation, the risks you took, the person you were my darling.

Look at you now. Even now you are staying away from alcohol. You won't go back, because you know...... you know what it does to you and you know in your heart that Cliff was perhaps the proudest person of all when you got yourself back on your feet.

YOU DID IT! The day I read your posts on the thread, when you came back to see us all and said you were sober, was perhaps one of my most favourite days on MN. If not the best.

Trin - you did it because of the fact you didn't want to be that person ever again and risk losing your girls ever, ever again. No-one blames you btw for what you did, drinking like that.

Your life as you knew it, ended with a phone call one day. And then what? You did what you had to and you got through it. It was completely shite.

But now you are SOBER.

SOBER sweetheart xxxxx

BerryLellow Wed 15-May-13 21:36:06

I'm horrified and heartbroken to come on MN and read about this. I also had to check the date. Wishing you peace and strength for the time ahead... I can't believe life would be so unutterably cruel a second time. Much love x

QOD Wed 15-May-13 21:36:24

Dd the girls go to school today? How was it? X

Hello, Trinity, how are you bearing up, hen? smile
Have chocolate, instead of wine. And feel supported by us all.

And damn you, Mouseface and venus, for reducing me to tears. You are all too kind and thoughtful for words thanks.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 15-May-13 21:48:43

So many people on here Trinity have huge love and respect for you, and it sounds like you massively deserve every ounce of it.

zeno Wed 15-May-13 22:49:59

Happy hooking saved my sanity. Best crochet book around.

I'm sending you some solidarity on the multiple loss front Trinity. You are not alone and you will survive.

My current bereavement platitude favourite is that the burden doesn't lessen but your legs get a fuckload stronger. I may have paraphrased that a bit.

You know that the people around you will hold you up until the strength to stand up comes back. It's like one of those theatre club games where you fall backwards, having to trust the catchers enough to let yourself fall.

TrinityRhino Wed 15-May-13 23:46:43

'your legs get a fuckload stronger'

I like that

TrinityRhino Thu 16-May-13 05:47:15

I have a sore throat and ear sad

Trumpton Thu 16-May-13 06:04:19

Have you honey and a lemon ? If not then any warm drink might help. Your poor body is probably in revolt . Be kind to yourself Sweetie.

TrinityRhino Thu 16-May-13 06:08:50

I've found a tescos own lemsip type thing

morning trumpton

TrinityRhino Thu 16-May-13 06:16:52

anyone want any snot?

I feel crappy

I want a cuddle but he cant cuddle me

poachedeggs Thu 16-May-13 06:22:35

Thinking of you Trin and hoping your ear and throat feel better soon. X

I wish I could come and give you a cuddle trin

Snuggle up with your girls, I hope your sore throat gets better. It is probably a physical reaction to all the emotional upset IYSWIM

I always get sick when something horrible happens in my life.

Take care of yourself sweetheart.

Thinking of you this morning.

Ship your snot to me, can join the vat of stuff me and DS pumping out at mo. xxx

TrinityRhino Thu 16-May-13 06:37:12

morning

thanks eveyone

<finds a box, starts packing snot>

I only want proper green snot though. Don't think of sending me mucus or dribble will you? Proper thick green stuff only!! wink

TrinityRhino Thu 16-May-13 06:40:14

I'm on it madame smile

TrinityRhino Thu 16-May-13 06:48:45

I just want to stay in bed
but I cant

Why can't you? Are the kids back at school or can you have a duvet day?

TrinityRhino Thu 16-May-13 06:51:32

they aren't back at school, I dont think they have had enough sleep to go back yet

beds not big enough for all of us so they argue about whos going to be in bed with mummy

and theres the lolly pup to think of

Can you bring all duvets down and plot up on the couch? Popcorn and movies?

It may be too soon but have you thought about doing a collage of photos and mementos of your time and the kids time with Cliff?

You can get the kids to draw little pictures of his fave things and get a big pin board, attach photos, ticket stubs etc?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 16-May-13 08:23:48

Morning Trinity, sorry you're all snotty.
Can you just let the puppy out for 10 minutes? Then make a brew and go back to bed for a couple of hours, lemon and honey instead of milk would do you good.
Or better still, get your eldest to do it all for you smile
Here's a box of tissues for you.

TrinityRhino Thu 16-May-13 08:53:13

now I'm annoyed too
I had an account with littlewoods years ago and I had a direct debit set up to pay it off and I ended up over paying by quite a bit so I thought
I\ll go and buy a new bed from them as I can only use the credit from them, they wont give me the money back

but they dont do super king size

<anger>

TrinityRhino Thu 16-May-13 08:53:32

thankyou for my tissues and hugs

zeno Thu 16-May-13 08:54:26

I'm quite fond of a snot river. It's fascinating to see what vile shades of green the body can produce.

Regarding legs, mine are now tree trunks, and could crack a coconut, never mind walnuts. You seem like a person strong in the leg too. Believe it or not, this is a good thing.

This will sound twisted no doubt to those who have not been in similar circs, but the traumatic sudden death of my sister absolutely helped me to survive the traumatic sudden death of my young daughter two years later. It's all in the legs you know.

TrinityRhino Thu 16-May-13 08:55:50

I totally hear you zeno

<hugs>

TrinityRhino Thu 16-May-13 09:20:05

anyone around
my face hurts
I'm pissed off with snot

It's your money what the hell do your an they won't give it back?

Start a little woods are shit thread and we will all bash and boycott them into submission!!!

Ggggrrrrrr for you!!

magimedi Thu 16-May-13 09:26:47

I'm around - could you go & have a shower & wash your hair? The steam from the shower & massaging of the head can sometimes help the snot.

TrinityRhino Thu 16-May-13 09:28:31

good idea re shower
I'm going to force myself right this second
i'll be back

magimedi Thu 16-May-13 09:29:12

Hope it helps.

See you later.

XXXX

BobblyGussets Thu 16-May-13 09:39:25

There you go, you are doing well to have a shower. I don't fancy one today and prefer to smell, and I'm not even going through anything unspeakable shit. I just, for some reason, really don't want a wash shock

TrinityRhino Thu 16-May-13 09:47:55

showered, hair washed and conditoined
head slightly better
thanks everyone

ex wife is bringing chocolate cake and lemsip

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Do you have Vicks? Rub some on the soles of your feet and put on warm fluffy socks (matching optional) it really does help. Alternatively chocolate cake is good too smile

On the littlewoods thing, I don't think they can keep your money and only offer credit. I know you probably don't want a fight with them right now, but I reckon we could get your money back.

TrinityRhino Thu 16-May-13 09:59:39

she is being very kind
cliffs adult son who lives near has recently moved and they bought a new cooker for the new house and they are bringing me their old one today

I tried to say no but they insisted especially as we may get ss sniffing around
a working cooker is essential

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrinityRhino Thu 16-May-13 10:10:35

I actually rang my old very kind social worker to let her know because I thought proactive is the best way to be

TrinityRhino Thu 16-May-13 10:11:47

cheque on the way from littlewoods, thank god for that

I was brave and phoned them
the man was very very kind

Yay! Good on littlewoods! I'm so glad Trinity.

Can I recommend ikea beds? We have a king and its 4 inches wider than a uk king, not so sure about super king, but it is big enough for lard arses me and dh and DS who likes to break dance in his sleep. And they are pretty reasonably priced too. I know you are a bit away from Ikea but they do deliver. Feel free to ignore, you have more important things to deal with just now.

TrinityRhino Thu 16-May-13 10:17:29

never thought of ikea, thats a great idea, thankyou

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pagwatch Thu 16-May-13 10:32:52

Hey Trinity,
I haven't been here much lately. So, so sorry to hear your news.
Good to see you are up and putting one out in front of another.
Much love to you Trin. Use all the support you can get.

TrinityRhino Thu 16-May-13 10:33:01

ok ikea are 180 cms wide

is that much bigger than a double?

TrinityRhino Thu 16-May-13 10:33:37

hey pag <waves>
thanks

I feel bad I haven't been answering everyone individually

Charleymouse Thu 16-May-13 10:33:39

Morning Trin, well done on getting a shower and freshening up, it never fails to lift me.

Brill news about the cooker, and well done on dealing with Littlewoods.

Know exactly what you and Zeno mean about the legs. Mine are "uber" legs. They have to carry such a load sometimes they feel like they are not mine.

Good idea re the social worker as well, keep them informed and see where they can help.

Take care much love CM xxx

Pagwatch Thu 16-May-13 10:33:46

One foot in front of another.

One out in front of another could mean a load of unfortunate things <boggles>>

Pagwatch Thu 16-May-13 10:35:05

<<waves>>

Charleymouse Thu 16-May-13 10:36:56

This page shows you standard UK sizes.
Bensons beds

HTH

ExcuseTypos Thu 16-May-13 10:37:24

Hi Trin, I've just googled and it says that doubles are usually 190cms, so 180 might be too small for you.

ExcuseTypos Thu 16-May-13 10:38:19

Don't feel bad about not answering everyone.

No one expects that at all.x

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 16-May-13 10:41:09

I always wondered why I had sturdy treetrunk legs. Now I know!

Keep on, keeping on Trin, you are doing marvellously in the circumstances.

Mouseface Thu 16-May-13 10:47:10

Morning Trin

Firstly, sorry for snot fest sad

Secondly, YAYAYAY for cheque!

Thirdly, YAYAYAY for new cooker!

Fourthly, bang on re the SW, I was going to ask you about that, if it was worth heading them off at the pass so to speak. You know the script so yes, as others have said, work with them and give her a call smile

Fifthly, I am glad you are getting some RL support today even though you don't feel great, this cold is all of the adrenaline coming out in physical form darling, pure exhaustion.

So try and rest when you can, when Cliff's ex-wife gets there, would she walk L Pup for you or sit with the girls for an hour so you can go back to bed? Or just get some jobs done?

Sixthly, <really mouse? Sixthly? grin > could you get two double beds and put them together? You could get someone to bolt them together for you, like in hotels?

Seven.............. oh feck it......

You are doing great, you really are. Big, snot free Huggles to you and the girls xxx

TrinityRhino Thu 16-May-13 10:47:14

but the king on ikea says it 180 wide by 200 long

I thought that sounded quite big

TrinityRhino Thu 16-May-13 10:49:28

hey mouse, did you get my text?

and thankyou

I like sixthly smile

Cliffs number to say for everything was twelvety

its off The league of Gentleman I think

he only just introduced me to that
I thought it was so funny

'we didn't burn him' lol

this is the king bed we have its the same size as a super king on that benson link. 190cm is the head to for measurement of a double.
This one is 200 head to door and 180 side to side. Where a standard double is only 135 side to side.

Charleymouse Thu 16-May-13 10:52:04

According to Bensons and Ikea that is usual for a king size.

ikea bed sizes

Charleymouse Thu 16-May-13 10:53:31

Super king size DOH!

TrinityRhino Thu 16-May-13 10:54:31

Everyone needs to watch Breaking Bad btw

Everyone

we started watching it on netflix
like 4 and a half series were on netflix and the rest of the 5th series is coming on in june or july or something

we loved it, absolutely loved watching it together

we had 4 more episodes left to watch on netflix together and then we were going to be counting down the days till it was back on the telly

god it hurts

That should be head to foot, not door! Although I suppose that depends on how big your bedroom is! Sorry for taking over the thread with bed talk, it's a thing very close to my heart. I love my bed very muchly!

Is eleventy twelve from LOG too? I use that quite a bit.

BobblyGussets Thu 16-May-13 11:05:46

BeerTricks, no! I am a forty year old woman who should know better....

I am loving the League of Gentlemen humour, Trinity, you had a good one there.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PortBlackSandcastle Thu 16-May-13 11:10:43

Trinity - just catching up on MN and saw your thread sad So very very sorry.

The images do fade i promise.

Mouseface Thu 16-May-13 11:12:31

Trin - will go check me phone, have been lax this morning!! blush

I like twelvety, that can be my number for the day! I have more than 11 things to do so that works!

"Today's Sesame Street has been brought to you by the letters M, T and the number twelvety!" grin

Bug hugs xx

LulaPalooza Thu 16-May-13 12:27:41

Trinity, I am so, so sorry. I am uncharacteristically lost for words. Sending you and your beautiful, lovely, smart girls some un-Mumsnetty hugs.

Re beds... if you get a supermahoosive bed for you and the girls, get an extra duvet too. And tons and tons of pillows. Make it your sanctuary xxx

Im going to use my best English now to say that these two threads have been the saddest (word?) most uplifting, humour/tear filled threads i have ever read. i have laughed and cried and read every post.

Trinity they way you are dealing with this is phenomenal. you have such a very strong heart that although is cracked by the grief you are going through is still shining through in every word you type.
Cliffs eyes say a huge amount about him. I bet he gave the best hugs.

I've never posted on one of these threads as i never feel what i have to say is enough but i had to post here to just say you are amazing.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 16-May-13 15:05:54

There will be lots of jolts like that sweetheart in the coming weeks and months, but eventually you will have weathered them all. And you are, indeed phenomenal.

Just a thought about Ikea beds, they tend to only fit Ikea sheets.

Super kingsize fitted sheets fit ikea king size beds (I am not on commission honest) I do believe there are issues with ikea doubles and getting sheets to fit though.

Am going to shut up about beds now. ((Hugs Trin))

Mouseface Thu 16-May-13 16:10:57

There will be lots of jolts like that sweetheart in the coming weeks and months, but eventually you will have weathered them all. And you are, indeed phenomenal.

AGREED! You are phenomenal Trin, you are going to get through this, in your own time, at your own pace, with cake as your staple diet, (for a few days at the very least grin), but you'll get to a point where nothing will hurt you like this does anymore.

You know that the pain fades, the bad things go away, the darkness lightens and the clouds clear, and, for the first time in a long time, you will start to see ahead instead of what is/was behind you sweetheart. xx

Mouseface you have a way with words xx

Thumbwitch Thu 16-May-13 16:57:37

Good move on phoning your old SW, Trin. And fantastic news re. cooker and Littlewoods cheque, good for them!

Beds - well, as someone's mentioned, make sure you can easily get linens for the bed you choose, otherwise tis a PITA.

I like the idea of the bolted together double beds, tbh - then you can still use your linens that you have PLUS you're less likely to lose the duvet, cos you can have more than one. smile

Bloody hell good news about the bed and the cheque what!!

How was the chocolate cake?

Skelosia Thu 16-May-13 17:55:08

I won't get into the conversation, as I can't promise a regular check in. Just wanted you to know that I am still thinking of you and your family. xx

Mouseface Thu 16-May-13 17:55:10

That's why I thought that about the 2 beds Thumb - easier to get linen that matches, you can get giant single sheets that will help hold the mattresses in place, but then have two king or two double bedding sets for a mahoooooosive SnuggleDen for everyone and the pup too!

<goes off to knock a wall down to make room for a SnuggleDen in her bedroom> grin

Xroads Thu 16-May-13 18:24:38

So sorry Trin. You are doing brilliantly.

I can't begin to understand the pain you are going through.

Well done to you for everything you have achieved so far!!

AuldAlliance Thu 16-May-13 18:35:16

Trin, you are amazing, really.
You are not just functioning or keeping going, but even joking and staying so strong in conditions that would have many of us crumpling and whining.

I am admiring you from exile beyond Scotland's shores...

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 16-May-13 18:38:05

More hugs and you are amazing x

qualitytoffee Thu 16-May-13 20:05:21

Hiya Trinity xxxx
Just another one here, giving hugs, and eating a bounty ice cream bar! grin
Hope the snot is getting better!
i will also do an online shop for you anytime chick, do you know they're only £2;99 at Lidl!
Hugs xxxxx

I've just caught up with Rivers of Snot, Bed + Littlewood's problems, SW contacted - You are sorting out so many practical things --more than I am managing--; I am in awe.

Thinking of you x.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 16-May-13 20:33:58

Lidl do online shopping?!?!
Must go check.

Strike out fail blush

qualitytoffee Thu 16-May-13 20:49:00

No our Bewitched, lidl don't, we were looking for a strimmer for the garden, and we went to Tescos and they don't, so here in Norn Iron, they're always going on about "we're here to serve you jazz" so away we goes, and never mind about fucking strimmers! They had Bounty ice cream bars! For 12..at £2:99!!
My son was impressed!
So Our Trin, there you go chick! smile xxx

IwishIwasmoreorganised Thu 16-May-13 20:56:34

How's the flow of snot going Trinity?

You're being ever so productive - littlewoods, cooker, shower.....

Hope the cake was good and the lemsips are doing the trick.

Xxx

You have been more productive than me today trinity. I have basically done some washing up, emptied the dishwasher and played monopoly deal with my oldest son who was off school with the voms today. Or rather off school totally well but the last day of the 48 hour rule...

You on the other hand, despite your cold which probably feels like the straw that broke the camels back, have taken on retail giants Littles and won!

Monopoly deal though. Fab. A great, highly addictive game that you could play with all your girls and it only takes about 5 to 15 mins a game. The issue is that once you start you won't stop! If you'd like me to send it to you pm me your address....

Thinking of you all and hope the cold fucks the fuck off soon x

TrinityRhino Thu 16-May-13 21:28:45

snot is manky
throat and head hurting
cliffs daughter is here now
she has taken the kids out for a walk and they did some screaming and throwing rocks into the sea together
feel unbeleivably exhausted
snuggled up with the girls in my bef
a bit of spongebob before bed

<wipes nose>

<sponges forehead with a cool flannel>

<force feeds paracetamol>

<big hug>

Hooray for cliff's daughter. What a star and sounds like a total credit to him.

Mouseface Thu 16-May-13 21:50:21

<sneaks in>

<wipes noses a bit more as YellowDino missed a bit>

<turns tv down a touch>

<snuggles everyone up>

<checks that LPup has been out for a wee>

<turns down the lights>

<locks the back door>

<leaves until the morning>

Goodnight darling lady, please, please PLEASE say if you need anything getting food wise tomorrow for over the weekend, it's no bother. smile

I'll text you in the morning Trin.

Sending you all the love in the world, you are all so close, so tight, so joined. Hold onto that Trin, hold onto that love that binds you all.

That will never, ever go. That bond, the bind you have, will pull you together so fast, so much when needed and then let you move apart when the space has to be a priority, but it never breaks.

Ever.

Night lovelies xxxxx

TrinityRhino Thu 16-May-13 22:25:20

thankyou
<wells up> night x

qualitytoffee Thu 16-May-13 22:31:36

Pet, theres loads of us up if you want to shoot the breeze, talk about your Cliff, or whatever pet xx

WandaDoff Thu 16-May-13 22:34:44

Trin, you don't know me very well, but I am a follower of you. smile

You had some of the 1st threads on MN that I found, I lurked for a bit & then posted because of you.

I'd love to do anything I can, to help at the moment. Or at any point really.

In 2009, when I 1st read about you, I was pregnant with my 3rd child, while very concerned about my MIL, who I was acting as a carer for.

I was amazed by the love & the strength that were apparent through your posts, after the tragedy that befell your family.

I still am in awe of you & the sheer will of strength you have, to protect your girls & anyone who is close to you.

I hope it gets easier in time for you, my love, as it always will.

Tell you what though, the last few years & how strong you are will be what your girls remember. much love, hand holding & anything I can do, lovely xxx

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 16-May-13 23:37:39

I hope you can have a completely flopped out day tomorrow with no list of stuff to achieve.
Bloody hell you deserve it.
'Night, hope the snots go away.
(((hugs))) for you all.

TrinityRhino Fri 17-May-13 02:52:40

wanda I recognise your name as my 'friend'

thanks everyone

you are all giving me strength

I cant breathe through my nose when I lie down.
ive been tossing and turning
im now sitting up in bed with a lemsip

Morning trinity. Hope you got back to sleep. Snotty insomnia is shite at the best of times.

<passes coffee and lemsip>

Hope you're feeling less full of snot this morning

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mistlethrush Fri 17-May-13 09:00:39

I hope that you managed to get some sleep.

Colds coming at this time of year are miserable somehow - you expect them in the winter but it should nearly be summer by now! I hope you're feeling a bit better today.

Very impressed with the speed of response on the overpayment issue! If you do get a new bed, just make sure that you're going to be able to get bedding for it relatively easily so that it doesn't become a hassle.

Jux Fri 17-May-13 09:02:29

Morning, Trinity, hope you got some sleep and the snot is waning. I think of you and your girls every day.

You are positively heroic.

TrinityRhino Fri 17-May-13 09:34:17

morning all
washed up
fed chooks
lolly's had a wee
little kids got up at 9 so have had a pretty good sleep
think they were asleep by 10, 30 and only woke once
feel like shit
macbook charger isnt charging
thats where all the photos are sad
sun is shining which is making me happy and angry all at once

mistlethrush Fri 17-May-13 09:43:27

Have you got anything you can take for the rivers of snot?

I'm sure that someone more technical will be along, but the macbook charger sounds as if its a problem that is likely to be solveable, even if you can't get to them right now (which I know must be very frustrating).

Have you all managed something to eat (what ever that might be)? All the rest sounds very positive - I know it must be a struggle but you're doing so well.

AgathaF Fri 17-May-13 09:47:24

Trinity you are a wonder-woman to be keeping on top of everything as well as you are doing.

Hope you sort the macbook charger out soon.
x

TrinityRhino Fri 17-May-13 09:55:10

cliffs daughter has managed some sleep and has aken some leftover pizza back to bed for breakfast

the littles ones had doughnuts for breakfast <waits to be shot by the mn food police>

dd2 ate hers with a knife and fork ''cause it was sticky' smile

dd1 hasnt surfaced yet but she wasnt up in the night so thats good

TrinityRhino Fri 17-May-13 09:58:11

ive taken one a day benadryl (incase its hayfever
and lemsip
and my ads
I havent eaten yet

mistlethrush Fri 17-May-13 10:05:08

Trin, its food, if they don't have an ideal diet for a week or two its not going to kill them.

Have you got anything in the house that you might be able to manage? Or perhaps a glass of juice at least?

TrinityRhino Fri 17-May-13 10:06:38

ive had a glass of fanta

mistlethrush Fri 17-May-13 10:08:19

At least that's going to help you not be dehydrated. smile. brew ? Lots of fluids might help and certainly won't hinder with the cold.

mummylin Fri 17-May-13 10:28:35

Trinity hope your cold soon clears up. You are probably quite vulnerable to any germs around at the moment. Well done on being so stoic and holding it together. Thinking of you.

Jux Fri 17-May-13 10:31:16

Could you manage a banana? They're great nutritionally.

knittedslippersx3 Fri 17-May-13 10:39:50

Hi Trin, I'm a lurker. I posted on the last thread sending you love and strength. Just wanted to do the same on this one. Although I don't post often I do check in every day to see how you're doing and to read all the amazing messages of support you are getting on here. Doughnuts for breakfast sounds pretty good to me!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 17-May-13 13:18:18

Some people swear by Vicks rubbed on the soles of your feet.
I like a few drops of Olbas Oil on a tissue to sniff, if you persevere it does clear your head.
Excellent news that the girls have slept better. They must be reassured by the way you are holding it all together.

TrinityRhino Fri 17-May-13 14:22:32

I cant bear the thought of stuff on my feet. but I always smear vicks under my nose when I have a cold. csnt find the olbas oil but normally puts drops onto my top.

ive eaten chocolate
my friend has made a lasagne for our tea.

Almostfifty Fri 17-May-13 16:19:38

I can't believe how strong you're being. You really are fabulous.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 17-May-13 16:36:15

Chocolate's good, lasagne's even better, specially if someone else made it!

Are you still streaming?

blue2 Fri 17-May-13 16:57:40

Trinity - I've seen your posts, and just wanted to send you my prayers and hugs to you and your children.

Your strength is amazing - you blow me away.

flowersflowersflowers

MelodyBaker Fri 17-May-13 17:24:48

Thinking of you x

MABS Fri 17-May-13 17:43:05

you poor love, take care x

PyroclasticFlo Fri 17-May-13 18:10:24

Trinity, you won't remember me (long since namechanged, many times) but I was on your threads back in 2009 /10 and sent you some bits and pieces a few years back. I've only just found this thread and the previous one, and was just totally horrified and felt sick reading that you'd been through another terrible tragedy. The fates really aren't fair, are they? I am just gob smacked, and ... Well, lost for words really.

I can't tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Cliff sounds amazing and you really are doing astonishingly, amazingly well just to be putting one foot in front of the other, let alone retaining a sense of humour, sober, while coping with rivers of snot. This thread has reduced me to tears, and I wish I could send you something more useful and tangible than a virtual hug (albeit a MASSIVE one) and loads and loads of love. flowers

fransmom Fri 17-May-13 19:34:48

hahahaha at Horses book 'The Happy Hooker' gringrin

Trinity - another reminder for you, I couldn't say it better myself
Trin - physically, you have no 'adult' there, but you have your girls, and YOU HAVE US.

There is at least one of us there with you single every minute, of every single hour, of single every day.

You are not alone. You are not, I promise you.

I know this thread is coming to the end which may feel wrong, so put it on you watch list so you can back to it when you want to if you think it will help.

Gather up the words you want to take with you, the strength that Cliff gave you is staying with you, it will come to the next thread too, in your heart so that's sorted...

Take what you need and turn the page. That's all you have to do tonight, we'll all move over with you darling lady, we'll all follow your lead.

YOU didn't upset DD, the situation did, her emotions did, her grief did, the fact that she'd been with you and worked hard to get those damn diamonds did.

NOT YOU.

I'll see you on the other thread lovely. One Post At A Time.

I wish that I had one of those Star Trek transporter type thingymebobs and could whizz up there to be with you tonight, just to sit, hold you if you wanted me to, feed you with cake, chocolate, cake, cheese, well, maybe that would be for me

Listen to stories of Cliff, the daft things he did, farting and blaming it on Lolly to make the girls giggle? The way he'd chase them until they got hiccups?

One of his 'tricks'? Stories of his hat, The Hat. Stories of days out, nights in, stories of you sat up all night talking about life, love and laundry.

I'm saying goodnight to you all now lovely, you and your beautiful girls.

See you on the new thread in the morning.

Love to you all. That and cake

Mouse xx

hi trinity - name changed again. (((((((((((((((((huge hugs)))))))))))))))))) <thumbs nose at those who say hugs are un-mn-ly (is that even a word?!)>

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-06kIitw7GPg/T_5KuK9pTLI/AAAAAAAACL0/U7FUCtakzkI/s1600/sudafed.jpg

fransmom Fri 17-May-13 19:35:45
fransmom Fri 17-May-13 19:37:09

and what lovely pictures, the last one sad

fransmom Fri 17-May-13 19:37:56

flowers for your rl friends for being there physically when many of us can't but want to be there for you xxx

TrinityRhino Fri 17-May-13 20:11:56

I'm sure I recognise fransmom.is that an old name of yours?
thanks everyone

I feel like I'm watching someone else
then I realise it's me

Mouseface Fri 17-May-13 20:16:57

Evening Trin - just off to pop the wee little fish to bed, Nemo, and then I'll be back. Big hugs sweetheart. It will feel surreal, alien, wrong, of so fucking wrong.

Again. sad

Be back in a bit sweets xx

Fransmom - thank you for re-posing that, I thought I'd gone even more bonkers for a mo wink xx

Mouseface Fri 17-May-13 21:17:43

'oh' so ...

Typos queen, that should so be my name! grin

Trin - have you sorted the charger out for your Mac? You can get them quite cheaply on eBay. Or maybe if a very kind MNer has one they don't need/want? smile

If you can get enough charge out of it, could you back the photo's up on a memory stick? You could do with doing that really lovely.

What do you have planned for the weekend? Is Cliff's Ex coming over? His DC's? Bless them all for caring about you and the girls. Sorry you are still snotty, I do think this emotional stress presenting itself as a physical release if that makes sense?

When my dad stops working, (in his 60's and still refusing to retire!) for the summer, he has two weeks off and is always ill. Always. It's like his body relaxes so much that all of the pent up 'everything' has been released and he just lets it out.......

I think you need to rest as best you can, you have another very big emotionally draining time coming up sweetheart.......... do you have any multivitamins you can take?

The girls are doing great, you need to remember about you, remember that strength, it's still there sweetheart. It's within you. Find it, reach for it, hold it when you find it. It's glowing, like Cliff did with you, he shone.

You shine, he's given you all that you need to get through tonight. Just tonight..... talk to us if you want, about him. I'd love to know more about your gentle giant and his red hat, walking LollyPup.....

You're amazing Trin, you really are. xxxx

TrinityRhino Fri 17-May-13 22:31:50

I'm a numpty. I thought mouse had name changed to fransmom
lasagne was yummy.
my lovely neighbour sat whilst the girls were in bed and we popped up to purples to get out of the house for an hour

Trinity, it's been a long day here (no doubt not as long as yours), so I am just checking in say good night.
I hope your cold buggers off and leaves you in piece.
Your still a-standing - that's an achievement in itself.
Wishing you a night with resting kids and clear nasal passages.
Much love x.

Oh feck, you're, sorry.
Must go to bed.

Trumpton Fri 17-May-13 23:03:47

I am sat sitting here ( in the Gaelic idiom ) and wanted to tell you how amazinfg you are.
Bless you, and may the carbs in the lasagne help you to sleep tonight and rise refreshed to fight another day.
Remember... one foot in front of another bloody foot !!

Trumpton Fri 17-May-13 23:05:24

wtf amazinfg ?? I meant amazing !!

Puddlelane Sat 18-May-13 00:12:31

Trin are the photos on a mac and so on icloud?
If so chances are they are backed up on that?
Not sure how technical the mac is, but thought I would put it out there.

You won't recognise my current name but I'm so dreadfully sorry. We are all here for you x

Thumbwitch Sat 18-May-13 01:52:13

Trin, it's ok, I thought mouseface had namechanged to Fransmom as well and I have no excuse (except maybe the 7mo who is currently trying to bounce his way out of his recliner!)

I completely agree - back up your photos asap, more than once if possible. Cloud drive - would you know if you have them on there? Hope so.

I had to send my laptop away to be opened in a clean room and the hard drive physically copied because it broke so badly - I got all of my stuff back, including all my photos, although about 5 of them were badly distorted. But it costs an arm and a leg to do that, so since then, I've always backed up my photos and docs onto an external hard drive. I should do it more often than I do (once a month would be good, at least) but I recently updated it so I'm ok for now.

External hard drives might seem expensive, but they're a sight cheaper than having to have your photos extracted from a buggered device. sad

Hope your macbook is ok and just needs a new charger. smile

((((hugs)))) xx

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Sat 18-May-13 02:01:11

Those last few techie posts may as well have been in Russian for all I know. Hope you can get those photos without too much hassle or £££s.

You continue to stun us all Trinity.
And here's hoping for a snot-free week end.
xxx

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Good morning, Trinity and girls!

I forgot to say last night, I really understand what you ment upthread with being upset at the sun shining: it seems so wrong when your world has just been ripped asunder that the rest of the world just carries on as before. And maybe even has a nice day sad.
Much as a sunny day can be uplifting, the discrepancy between your inner landscape and what's outside can be harsh to take.
So, I am not sure what weather to hope for you for today... You'll have to take it as it comes (the weather), but I know you will carry on being as strong as you have been.

Does this make any sense? Gawd, I know what I mean - I've not had coffee yet...

TrinityRhino Sat 18-May-13 09:31:39

dd2 and cliffs daughter made breakfast for everyone this morning
cold is still manky
its pissing down with rain
ive eaten bacon and eggs and taken my meds

Rain here too.

Good, you've had some 'fuel'.
Not so good about cold.
I wish I could bring you some chicken soup. Or my grandmother's hot onion juice, her home remedy for colds <<shudder>>. No cold dared to stick around in the presence of hot onion juice...

Are you stocked up on Lemsips?

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Sat 18-May-13 10:58:43

Good morning.
Those girls sound like gems.
Sorry about the nose.
I'm going to MN meet up at lunchtime!

Mouseface Sat 18-May-13 13:24:14

Afternoon lovely Trin

Yay for eating, meds work better with food.

Who's with you this weekend? I'm hoping that your cooker is in and working if you've had eggs and bacon or on it's way soon? smile

Do you need anything? Batteries for the xbox controllers? Any basics? Bread, more milk, teabags/coffee, anything for school lunches if the girls are going back next week etc? Just say! xx

Have you managed to back up your pics yet, don't panic if not, we'll talk you through how to do it depending on the software you have on your Mac.

Sorry to fire all of those questions at you, I'm just checking in with you really. Don't forget to let Lolly out for a wee!! grin xx

TrinityRhino Sat 18-May-13 13:49:56

hey mouse
they get free school meals so thats sorted
we have rechargable packs in dd1s controllers
lolky has had a walk and wees and food smile
its absolutely pissing down so we had a picnic in the old camper van in the garden
cliffs eldest daughter arrived in friday so Im not alone. shes here for a while
struggling today
feel very exhausted and just so so sad sad

YoniMatopoeia Sat 18-May-13 13:53:21

Hey Trin. Dh has just set off to Scotland, but up the east coast, so he will drop in on his way back south on Tuesday. I have ordered him to give you a hug from me smile

TrinityRhino Sat 18-May-13 13:54:37

looking forward it yoni smile

ilovesprouts Sat 18-May-13 14:57:44

not been on mn for a while due to accident,sending hugs and love xx

Mouseface Sat 18-May-13 15:09:11

Trin

Great news re the school dinners, one less thing to worry about smile

Yay for batteries, wees and walks and Cliff's DD being there with you for company, or even just being there. You know what I mean by that.

Other than incredibly sad, lost and low darling, how are you physically feeling germ/snot/adrenaline wise now?

One thing I was thinking about when Nemo was up last night was a about you all doing a memory box. I'm not sure if you did one when Neil died but I was thinking, a memory box would be something that you can add to over time, write things down as they come back to you, put things in that you've kept.....

I have ticket stubs from dates that DH went on to places, train tickets, corks from bottles of fizz we'd shared, (there's not many of them! grin) sweet wrappers from when he gave me his last Rolo...... that sort of thing smile

Pictures, written stories of what you've all done together, memories of days out, days in, nights up watching movies, his favourite CD or song, a pebble from the beach you walked on together.....

A flower from the garden or a pot that you planted/chose together.... anything. Everything. Things will come back to you when you least expect it.

I'm sorry if now is too painful to consider it blush and also if someone has already suggested it. Maybe the girls could do one each, a small one and then you could put them all together? Things that are personal to each of them.

Cliff saw the woman in need of love that you'd had to suppress for a while, he saw the strength, saw the fight and the kick ass spirit deep within you, he could see you for the beautiful woman that you are, the woman who knew what she had to do and bloody well did it.

YOU did everything you had to, to get your life back on track after losing Neil. All he did was give you the emotional tools, love and support to do that. He'll always hold your hand sweetheart, he'll always feather your wings and make you stronger because he's shown you how now, that will never leave you darling. xx

I know you miss him so, so much, I know. Maybe a box would ease the pain, help it to fade, help you to block out the terrible void by being reminded of the fabulous times you all shared with your wonderful gentle giant, Cliff.

Much love to you all.

Please just say if I can help with anything,

Mouse xxxx

TrinityRhino Sat 18-May-13 16:30:51

lovely post mouse smile thankyou x

the girls each have a memory box for neil and I fully intend to do that again with them for Cliff.

ive just had some more yummy lasagne

TrinityRhino Sat 18-May-13 16:31:45

please excuse all typos and shit punctuation
not good at using my phone to type

Mouseface Sat 18-May-13 18:20:07

I'm just queen of typos! Mind you, lack of sleep can be today's excuse!! grin

I thought that you had with Neil, I'm glad you're going to do another, but so very saddened that you have to in the first place sad xx

TrinityRhino Sat 18-May-13 20:38:34

everytime my little girls cry cause they want 'cliffy' my heart rips apart a little more

Almostfifty Sat 18-May-13 21:48:14

It will.

Just keep on being as strong and marvellous as you're being and you'll all get through this.

The first few weeks are just raw pain, but you will feel better in time. xx

sad

I am so sorry (and angry on your and their behalf) that your girls have to learn about death in such a cruel way. 'Tis not fucking fair.

Nothing to add. Sorry. xx

MelodyBaker Sat 18-May-13 22:35:17

sad I wish I knew what to say. Thinking of you, your girls and cliffs family x

FromGirders Sat 18-May-13 23:44:09

Thinking of you all Trin.
Hang on in there.
Hugs to all of you.

TrinityRhino Sun 19-May-13 06:00:51

been awake a while
snot is lessening
not having my laptop is annoying me now
I want my photos. I have troubke posting using my phone
my dad sent me some money so I have ordered our new 'sanctuary'
it'll be nice not having springs poking me

TrinityRhino Sun 19-May-13 06:04:05

spag bol for the kids tonight
chicken curry for me and cliffs daughter.

what can I call her?
cdd1?

LittlePebble Sun 19-May-13 06:08:36

Morning Trinity, I'm so sorry to read your thread, I hope the sun shines on you and your girls today.

CDD1 sounds fine to me.

Can you access photos on your phone?

TrinityRhino Sun 19-May-13 06:37:22

I dont understand how I can be so tired but not be able to sleep sad
I dont know how my girls are going to come through this sad
I dont know when my heart is going to stop hurting so much sad

LittlePebble Sun 19-May-13 07:02:45

sad I wish I could offer some comfort Trinity.

You're girls WILL come through this because they have you.

Eskino Sun 19-May-13 07:18:34

Morning Trin.

I'm sorry you are hurting. The hurt comes from the deep love you have for Cliff. But it will subside, slowly. I know you know this from before.

You're in my thoughts sweetheart.

Oh, Trinity.
You will all come through this because you have each other. And because you have no choice sad.
If Cliff was gone and you did not care it would, in some ways, be sadder IYWKIM. The fact you are hurting says so much about how good a thing you had going. His dying is part of the random cruelness of life in my eyes.
The hurt will become less acute, in time.
Much love x.

Mouseface Sun 19-May-13 12:27:46

Oh Trin

I'm sorry you can't get to your photo's. Is it just the charger? Is that all it is?

What kind of charger do you need? I'm sure someone must have one they aren't using anymore. We have loads of chargers that we don't use and are just laying in a box, none are Mac though..... everyone has chargers they don't use or need.

Is that all you need to get to them? Were they backed up to icloud or SkyDrive? Anything like that? A Dropbox? I know this sounds all techy but we must be able to get them for you somehow sweetheart. xx

Mouseface Sun 19-May-13 12:30:48

I'm breaking my posts up 'cos you're on your phone, smaller posts are easier to read.

Re CDD1 that's fine, or you can give her a nickname. Something more personal if you want to, we don't know her do we so her identity is safe.

YAYAYAY for huge bed and sanctuary on order! Sounds fab sweetheart. xx

Mouseface Sun 19-May-13 12:39:54

You know that the worst is yet to come..... the girls know that too.

In the coming days, you are going to have to take your life minute by minute and deal with whatever comes you way as and when it happens....

It's going to get much harder. We're there with you though, via your phone, your PC, the either, whatever, we are all sat with you, every minute of every day.

Well, maybe not when you're in the shower, you do need a little privacy! wink

Sweetheart, you are doing so very well but please, remember that you are allowed to be sad, and lonely, and cross, and sorry, and lost, and so fucked off with life etc.... you don't have to be brave all of the time.

Let it out when you can, when you need too. Do what feels right.

Talk, talk and talk some more if that helps. CDD1 will know so many daft and funny things about him, why not get everyone together and have a day of funny stories? Happy memories? A day of sharing everything? The good, the bad and That Hat? grin

Please know that we're all here for you, even when you think you are actually alone, maybe, physically you are for that short while but we're here Trin. Just a post away, a text or a call for some of us too. smile

Lots of love to you all,

Mouse xx

chinam Sun 19-May-13 14:59:40

I'm another one who was too slow to get to post on your original thread. My sincere condolences to you on this terrible loss. You seem like an amazingly strong lady.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Sun 19-May-13 17:23:36

Ten of us sat at lunch yesterday and spoke of you and your family. I suspect the same will be true of the rash of meet-ups happening this week.
The people posting on your threads are the tip of the iceberg, there are hundreds of us all over the country, and the world actually, thinking of you , wishing we could help.

magimedi Sun 19-May-13 19:54:08

^^ What Bewitched said.

I am new (ish) to MN & have pieced together your story from the two threads on here.

Every time I log on I come to this thread first in case you need a hand.

Your situation is beyond the worst shit I could imagine but there is always someone here for you.

AuldAlliance Sun 19-May-13 19:59:56

Trinity, I'm thinking of you daily from the south of France. Admiring your courage, wishing you didn't need to make such use of it, wishing I could help.
Can you give details of what charger you need? There might be an old one knocking around at work I could let you have.

Portofino Sun 19-May-13 20:50:36

When will the funeral be Trin? Will you do a reading or anything? I know MN are fab at finding moving and yet Appropriate stuff. I really hope your friends will be there to support you. This is all so sad. Xx

Mouseface Sun 19-May-13 21:17:14

Trin - I know you don't want to think about it but Porto read my mind.....

Maybe you could go back over the post that venus wrote and use some of that?

Off to bed, will text you in the morning, love to you and the G's, and of course the Pup xx

Hope you get some rest, you need it. xx

Portofino Sun 19-May-13 22:07:47

I dont want to be all maudlin or anything, but I suppose my brain works on a practical level. What has to happen and how can we best help with that? I am better at that than hair stroking. There are plenty here better suited to support you emotionally than me. But if I can help in any practical way in the coming days....and you must need support with the funeral etc.

Trumpton Sun 19-May-13 22:13:37

Thinking of you Trin . Hope you sleep tonight and that the snot is reducing x

TrinityRhino Sun 19-May-13 23:13:06

outfit given to funeral director
cliffs sister has arrived
we're registering the death tomorrow and viewing him
funeral probably the beginning of next week
had a crappy day today but managed a shower . girls all showered and sorted for school tomorrow

TrinityRhino Sun 19-May-13 23:14:13

snot is definitely reducing
I dont think I could say anything at the funeral.
I wouldn't be able to get through it
sad

Awks Sun 19-May-13 23:19:27

Massive stranger love from me x

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Mon 20-May-13 00:22:57

Particularly tough day tomorrow then, will be thinking of you and wishing you strength.
No reason why you should speak at the funeral. There will be other people who can that.
Sleep well.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xroads Mon 20-May-13 07:32:01

thinking of you all Trin xx

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 20-May-13 08:47:37

Wishing you strength to get through today.

Weegiemum Mon 20-May-13 09:06:00

Trinity, just wanted to send you our love from Glasgow, so sorry to hear this.

mistlethrush Mon 20-May-13 09:41:59

I'm hoping all goes well with school today Trin, and you also manage OK yourself - I hope that someone will be around with you today.

WandaDoff Mon 20-May-13 09:50:45

Sending love from Glasgow here as well.

BumpingFuglies Mon 20-May-13 10:42:28

Trinity x

Write what you would like to say and then ask someone to read it for you. I wrote a piece for my Dad's funeral and had my cousin on standby in case I couldn't do it. You'll know at the time what to do.

Love to you all.

Lemonylemon Mon 20-May-13 11:04:03

Trin: A minute at a time; an hour at a time; a day at a time. Remember to breathe in and breathe out again. Be kind to yourself and yours. That's all you can do to get through these early days, as you know.

Don't worry about saying anything at the funeral, someone can do that for you on your behalf. I'm so, so sorry that you're having to go through this again. It is SO unfair. x

oneandnomore Mon 20-May-13 11:15:29

Sending much love and strength for today and the days to come Trin. You have so many people holding you up, both in rl and on here.
Take care lovely, thinking of you in these difficult days xx

Mouseface Mon 20-May-13 12:45:48

Trin - I hope that the girls managed to get to school okay.

You do know it's okay if not though, don't you? It's okay for them (all or one, or two) not to be ready to face the questions they may be asked about what happened to the man that they love and also face their friends care, love and support yet.

It's overwhelming for them. Going back to 'normality' except it's not normality is it, because Cliff's not here. So, very sorry darling. xx

The school will have told the girl's classmates, or maybe in an assembly (as you know sad) what has happened and maybe not to ask the girls about it just yet. They may well want to talk about Cliff, they may well need to talk about the gentle giant who loved you all so much. smile

Children care, children see the hurt in others, they can feel it. They can see it hidden behind tired eyes, the desperate attempts to hold it together from the girls can make others just want to help, hold them, give them a big squidge. Girls more so...........

Even if they have to come home early today, they are trying, you are all trying to move forward, one day at a time. They will also pick up on you being upset today so might be a bit tetchy later..... don't blame yourself or them.

Today is going to be so very hard for you all but well done for making it happen, well done for trying to restore some small amount of normality, as painful as it is for you all.....

WRT to the funeral, you don't have to decide now whether or not you're going to speak and I agree with Lemony. You could always write something and ask someone else to read it on your behalf? Or not. It's up to YOU. Maybe the girls would want to draw him a picture? Or write something themselves? Their favourite day with him? They don't have to read it out, it could just be part of them saying goodbye for now.

Do what feels right for you. You'll know, it will come to you darling lady. I'm just so sorry that you are having to do this at all.

You'll know what to do, you'll know when the time comes how to plan the day, who to invite etc. Take your time. You have enough to do before that and we're ALL here to support you.

Every. Step. Of. The. Way. xxxx

Now then, have you found that giant sanctuary of yours yet? smile xx

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Mon 20-May-13 17:45:55

Have been thinking of you a lot today, hoping it hasn't been too gruelling sad.
I wish I could make you a brew and a lovely piece of chocolate cake.

thanks for you anyway.

Hope the girls managed school OK smile

Mouseface Mon 20-May-13 18:35:19

I'm with the lovely BewitchedBotheredandBewildered or TripleB grin re hoping that the girls managed at school and have been thinking about you all lots today.

Big hugs to you, the girls, Lolly and everyone who is with you, keeping you going sweetheart. xx

ClaraOswald Mon 20-May-13 18:38:51

I hope the girls got through the day ok.

Much love to you all.x

TrinityRhino Mon 20-May-13 19:23:48

the girls were fine at school
I went to view him and although he didnt look quite right due to well you know I mean. ..the passage of time its still better than the images I had before. I can now know hes at peace in my head.
ive got a banging headache but we got a lot sorted out
cds1 is bejng amazing and sortung everything but also making sure everyone is happy.
thankyou everyone smile

MelodyBaker Mon 20-May-13 19:35:11

So sorry, you shouldn't have to do this again.
There is no reason you need to read at the funeral- others can do that.
Still in my thoughts x

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 20-May-13 19:38:20

Glad you are not left coping on your own, hope you get a good quality sleep tonight.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Mon 20-May-13 20:06:05

It sounds like some important milestones were passed today. The girls first day back at school, well done and big hugs to them.
And you replacing the pictures in your mind with more peaceful ones, I hope that will help you sleep better.
I would like to just say how very impressive your whole extended family is.
I find it quite moving the way you and your girls, and Cliff's ex wife and his children are all pulling together and looking after each other.
It speaks volumes for him who has been the impetus, and for all of you.
I fear things would be shudderingly different in some families.

I think you are very lovely too Mouse, anyone would be lucky to have friend as sensitive, thoughtful and generous as you. x

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Mon 20-May-13 20:26:20

Trinity.. am sat here in total shock..
I can't believe it.. life can be so cruel.. I don't get it.

You are doing so well.
Be kind to your self amazing lady.
x

Mouseface Mon 20-May-13 21:59:23

blush TripleB

Thank you, what a lovely thing to post when you don't 'know' someone smile xx

Trin - I can only echo what the fab BB&B said to you about what a fantastic and productive day you've had today smile

I'm so glad that the girls managed school today, you know that things may change over the next few days, as the funeral nears.

You know that and I don't mean to point out the bloody obvious, but just make sure that you look after yourself too sweetheart.

Lots of love, be back tomorrow.

Mouse xx

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Tue 21-May-13 00:49:21

Hope you're snoozing nicely all you Rhinos x

mistlethrush Tue 21-May-13 10:30:57

Thinking of you all again Trin

YoniMatopoeia Tue 21-May-13 10:50:10

Hey Trin. DH is at yours now, but I guess you must be out walking the dog?

He will leave the Wi stuff on the kitchen table.

TrinityRhino Tue 21-May-13 11:56:09

hey yoni. he came and found me. I was having a nap. Lolly pup tried to sit on his chest for a cuddle grin
thankyou smile

Thumbwitch Tue 21-May-13 13:36:12

Glad you managed to get a nap, Trin - hope that helps with the overtiredness that is preventing you from sleeping.

Seeing people in the funeral parlour is a strange experience, I have found, but generally a helpful one, in that the person doesn't look like themselves any more. I mean, they do, but they look like a waxwork version. So for me it helps to realise that their soul/vital essence is no longer in that body, it's out there somewhere, free. I liked the way they did it in Cocoon - little bright blue sparks escaping away into the cosmos - that makes me feel comforted, I hope it helps you a little.

(((hugs))) for you all - glad you have people helping you. xx

YoniMatopoeia Tue 21-May-13 14:58:21

Sorry he woke you up smile

Spoke to him after he had left and he did mention that Lolly pup was lovely but not ideally suited to being a guard dog grin

Hope the girls enjoy the game.

YoniMatopoeia Tue 21-May-13 14:58:56

Oh and I hope he gave you the hug from me.

TrinityRhino Tue 21-May-13 18:15:21

yeah he did give me a hug grin
he was walking through the house shouting 'hello' and Lolly did nothing grin

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Tue 21-May-13 18:16:38

Been driving through the country side today, it's trying so hard to look like Spring, but is damp and chilly.
Just lit the fire [humphycrossface]

How's the hunt for the new bed coming on?

TrinityRhino Tue 21-May-13 18:28:00

new bed ARRIVED today

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Tue 21-May-13 18:34:32

Ooh exciting! What's it like? Did you have to get new linen too or does yours fit?
Sorry, very nosey, tell me to sod off!

Mouseface Tue 21-May-13 19:52:19

Evening lovely!!

YAYAYAYAYAY for new bed.

<packs up car, grabs BB&B, extra bedding, and heads north> grin

Fab news, I bet you are so looking forward to just all being in one bed, with enough bloomin' room and feeling safe, a little more solid, a little more together again.

I'm glad you got a hug today too, you cannot beat 'Huggles' as Nemo calls them.

So, you have the bed, how is the laptop issue coming along?

IwishIwasmoreorganised Tue 21-May-13 22:34:18

Sleep tight in your new bed Trinity.

Xxxx

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Tue 21-May-13 23:07:23

Sounds tempting Mouse.
We've taken more notice than usual of the weather up there ^^^^ as we will be siting a house in the autumn, and it's been warmer and drier for a couple of months than down here on the south coast confused

Trinity, I'm so horrified at your situation, and in awe of how you're dealing with it, I can't not check the thread. It's evolving, and it's not really my style to keep saying Hallo I'm Here.

So I might tell you what I've been doing, but I'm really only interested in supporting you, without giving you any pressure to be here.

TrinityRhino Wed 22-May-13 07:42:35

telling me what you've been doing is great

TrinityRhino Wed 22-May-13 07:43:08

bed is soo comfy
and HUGE smile

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 22-May-13 08:34:35

Oh good. I like the thought of you all piled into it with Lollypup.

Trumpton Wed 22-May-13 09:51:02

Mornin Trin. Hope cuddles were good . And that this morning is going well x

Gingerbreadlatte Wed 22-May-13 11:56:31

Hi Trinity,
You don't know me but I'm yet another who knows your story. I've lurked on your threads when your DH died and this one- you are often in my thoughts, in a non stalker ish way of course!!

I wanted to say how amazingly you are handling this. Especially in terms of your mini Rhinos.

I'm happy to share stuff going on here if it helps smile <not very interesting>

Ginger x

Mouseface Wed 22-May-13 15:26:59

Trin -

Great news that your bed is comfy! I'm a huge fan of comfy beds that envelope you with duvets and pillows and of course, children and a dog! grin

How are you today lovely? I mean really?

Sending you love from a germ filled Mouse and Nemo. xx

MelodyBaker Wed 22-May-13 16:58:48

Glad the bed is comfy trin and there's room for everyone smile
Melo x

TrinityRhino Wed 22-May-13 17:38:49

we're doing ok. the sheer weight of the responsibilty and the being alone is hitting me

MelodyBaker Wed 22-May-13 18:35:48

Keep posting trin. Your alone only without an adult by your side, you have thousands of people thinking about you and checking the thread. There is always someone thinking about you

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 22-May-13 18:56:55

I think that's yet another indication of what a great person you are, a lot of people would not be bothered about their responsibilities but just be feeling sorry for themselves.
I look at things like how you've kicked fags and booze out of your life and won't let them back even now. How you've kept up with day to day stuff, feeding everyone, having showers, walking the dog, cleaning the kitchen, organising your new bed, getting the girls back to school.
Plenty of people would have let all that slide, at least for a while.
Not sure how me saying this helps you really, and it just maybe puts pressure on you when we all keep saying how strong you are when you might feel like screaming that you don't want to be strong you just want to collapse.
Could you offload any responsibilty to anyone else? Even temporarily?

Mouseface Wed 22-May-13 22:32:40

Trin -

Everything that BB&B said and more........ (not adding pressure btw lovely in my eyes, everything that you said above is right, it is step by step, day/hour/minute by minute) you are so supportive and lovely smile xx

Trin - you are going to feel the enormity of it all in the coming days because of what has to happen. You can't not go through what you have to, the funeral, and that, that is the final twist of the knife sweetheart, I promise. Having to say goodbye one last time, the pain will never be as intense again, it can't be. The reality is the last cry, scream, plead for it not to be so.....

I'm so so sorry for you and the girls, his family, his ex, LollyPup, everything and everyone who his life has touched..... I'm sorry sweets.

You have been here before, you've faced this cruelty, this shock, the burning, searing pain, the drowning loss, the fear, feeling that fear that you know only too well for all of the wrong reasons yet again and it's so very bloody wrong. I'm furious with the Powers That Be on your behalf.

If I could turn back time, I would, you would, to some point, we all would...... but we're not that fortunate. Life hasn't got that far yet.

So darling lady, in the meantime, keep posting, at the moments that you need to, random, emotional, raw posts, whatever you need to let out, that you don't want to share with the girls, put it here. Or do share it with them and still put it here. These threads are still memories of you and Cliff, your time together.

You are never alone, people on this thread are always here..... maybe no reading, but here, holding your hand.

Sleep well in your sanctuary lovely, I'll text you again tomorrow, see if you need anything food wise etc. Big hugs to each of you. I hope that you know just how much you are cared about here Trin xxxx

Night xx

magimedi Wed 22-May-13 22:38:07

I don't know you at all - but I keep reading & keep thinking of you & yours, Trinity.

I feel intrusive posting & I feel bad for ignoring...........

I am so please you have a lovely new bed for you all to snuggle up in. I hope you get some good sleep tonight.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 23-May-13 00:49:32

Night Rhinos x

TrinityRhino Thu 23-May-13 08:01:07

thankyou everyone
mouse you are too kind
thankyou everyone

AuldAlliance Thu 23-May-13 09:29:18

I've nothing very useful to say, only that you are really doing amazingly, but you needn't feel you have to be amazing.
If keeping going helps, go for it. If collapsing and wailing is what you need, do that too.
Thinking of you and wishing you strength over the coming days.

YoniMatopoeia Thu 23-May-13 11:30:12

Hey Trin. How areyou doing today?

I think dh gave my mobile number when he was there. Would you text me so I have yours?

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 23-May-13 14:16:27

Just been to Seaford to see my mum and her mad dog and we had freakin' hailstones!
You must have long lists of stuff to organise Trinity, but I hope you can relax a bit today as well smile

Almostfifty Thu 23-May-13 16:44:14

Mouse is right. I'm sure there's a ton of us just checking in, not posting each time, but just making sure you're ok.

You really are doing so very well.

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 23-May-13 20:48:41

oh trinity - im just back from holiday and saw your 1st thread sad

im so sorry to hear that your dp died

i couldnt believe it was you - words are not enough to say what i feel - just to say that im thinking of you and if anything i can do then please say

as you know I lost dh just over 2 years ago, so sadly i know how you are feeling - here if you want to talk

much love xxx

qualitytoffee Thu 23-May-13 21:36:49

Trin. just checking in to see your're ok pet xxx
Much love and thoughts pet xx

PyroclasticFlo Thu 23-May-13 21:45:29

Mouse says so beautifully what so many of us must be feeling.

I read your thread every day but don't post often because I have no idea what to say that could be of any help to you Trin, other than that I'm here, so many of us are here, and we can't help as such, we can't lessen your pain, but we're here like a legion of ghosts walking alongside you while you tread this awful road.

I wish I could lessen your pain. I have no idea how you must be feeling, but if it helps at all, I am here, wishing you comfort and sending you love xx

TrinityRhino Thu 23-May-13 21:50:29

it really does help. I dont really know what to post. everything feels so weird and wrong.
life is carrying on but its not right.
its painful, scary, lonely, sad, weird
just damn right fucking wrong

TrinityRhino Thu 23-May-13 21:51:45

and Im a tosser and didnt think about bedding
I have sheets on the way from ebay
and his ex has lent me a duvet cover for now
doh

TrinityRhino Thu 23-May-13 21:53:25

the kids are doing ok back at school
dd1 has been awarded at keast 4 merits for her first year at secoundary school. we got the letter today about the award ceremony

shame its at exactly the same time as the funeral sad

MelodyBaker Thu 23-May-13 21:58:19

Your not a tosser trin. Your grieving. Do not be hard on yourself lovely x

TrinityRhino Thu 23-May-13 21:58:42

dd2 has not worn her bandana since cliff died

she says that she isnt goibg to oull her hair out because cliff was helping her to remember not to before he died and shes going to carry on not pulling to show him how clever she is

she also brought a lovely picture out of school she drew of her and cliff holding hands with hearts all over and I love you written on it. she asked me if we could roll it up and sellotape it so it could be put in the coffin so cliff had a telescope to see her from the stars the same as daddy.

MelodyBaker Thu 23-May-13 22:00:02

You must be so proud of her smile x

IwishIwasmoreorganised Thu 23-May-13 22:00:41

DD2 sounds amazing Trinity. flowers

MelodyBaker Thu 23-May-13 22:01:25

You must be proud of them both, there lucky to have you.
What a nice thought of DD2's. Was cliff into the stars?

TrinityRhino Thu 23-May-13 22:15:03

we did used to check out the stars and try and work out what constellations we could see when we walked the dog late but when thrir dad died I told them that he went up into the stars to watch over them. im not religious and was trying to find something for them to take comfort from. so now everyone who dies is up in the stars

she made, totally her own idea, a telescope for daddy the night before the funeral and dropped it in the grave

this time its a cremation but we can put things in the coffin
so she has made another one

usualsuspect Thu 23-May-13 22:28:22

Just popping by to give you a squeeze,Trin xxx

Mouseface Thu 23-May-13 22:47:40

Trin - I am away to bed but will be back sweetheart.

Can you ask school to change the day of the awards at school for DD? Given the circumstances? Or at least change the day she gets hers? Maybe a class presentation for her?

When is the funeral? Sorry if you have posted the day already. xx

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY for DD2 and not pulling her hair out. Cliff taught her the same strength that he taught you - it's inside of you, you just have to believe that it is there, it can be found, it is holding your heart together right now.

DD2 can see that, she knows he is there, watching over her, checking that she is letting her hair grow again, like her love for you, for him, growing still........

I wish with all of my heart that you all could have a smoother ride over the next few days.

The very sad fact is that it's almost time to say another physical goodbye to a man who loved you for being you Trin, for picking yourself up, for stopping the hurt, the pain, the sorrow and the loss that you had faced with Neil.......

You are amazing. You are a hero to many on here who admire your strength and your raw honesty when those blows hit you so very hard. You don't hide Trin - you say it here, out loud. You say that you can't do it today. And, by doing so, we all stand strong around you and hold you tight.

That will never end, today, tomorrow, always. No-one forgot Neil, those on this and your first thread remember only too well the pain and the torment that you suffered...... having to tell the girls, having to get his things, having to face the actual reality of such a huge loss that wasn't a dream, nor someone else's life.........

Trin - I need to go but want to say so much more to you. Take solace in the words of those who care and post and lurk here wishing you nothing but calm and no more pain. NO MORE PAIN.

Night darling lady, sleep well in your sanctuary, as long as you are all together, in that one room, then you are safe, you are loved and you are all thought of every moment of every day.

Love to you all,

Mouse xxxx

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 23-May-13 23:02:13

You're most certainly not a tosser, you missed a detail, we all do that every day without the stress you've got. You got a new bed delivered less than 10 days after Cliff died.
You have two startlingly amazing daughters, they get that from you.
The telescope idea is heart-rendingly wonderful, and the idea that DD2 is turning this awful event into something positive for her, not hair pulling, is humbling.
It's amazing to witness children coming up with ways to deal with sadness.
My DD2 was 4 when my Grandad died, she was really fond of him, he was another gentle giant. She heard somewhere about a Japanese custom of writing messages to people who had died and setting fire to them so the message went "up" to the person in the smoke.
I have no religion either and we got a lot of comfort from burning little scraps of paper with drawings on that she and her brother and sister had done.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 23-May-13 23:18:36

And I do feel that I want to post something, maybe not every time I check here, and it might be a bit of irrelevant nonsense, but otherwise you might not know I was here.
xxx

Thumbwitch Fri 24-May-13 03:27:47

Oh Trin, that post about your DD2 and the telescope, the bandana, everything just made me sob. What a little darling she is.

And of course you're not a tosser, you're doing amazingly well as it is! Linens, schminens - and thanks to Cliff's ex for lending you some.

Pity about the awards ceremony and funeral clash - have you let the school know about it? Of course they can't do anything about it but maybe they could give your DD1 her awards in assembly or something another day, assuming they still have assemblies these days?

Big (((hugs))) for you all. I think of you all every day. xx

TrinityRhino Fri 24-May-13 07:16:04

morning all
woken up feeling panicky
bloody hate it
thankyou for all your kind words
mouse you are just wonderful
its Friday thats mean ive survived two weeks
and I just need to get them up and out for school today then tomorrow I don't need to get up........so early anyway

Trumpton Fri 24-May-13 07:18:56

Don't panic My Lovely. Deep breaths. One foot in front of the other bloody foot. We are so proud of you . Have a gentle day with the girls tomorrow .

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 24-May-13 09:01:45

Morning.
Hope panic has passed and you have some company today.
You're near the beach aren't you? Watching the sea can be very soothing.

Almostfifty Fri 24-May-13 09:06:37

I bet they're at school, all sorted and on time. Have you gone for a walk with Lolly?

magimedi Fri 24-May-13 09:28:29

Hope panic has gone. If you can try a walk - it does help the panic to subside. Thinking of you.

TrinityRhino Fri 24-May-13 09:42:29

all at school
all fine
dog had a miniscule jog with me and is now eating a bone

magimedi Fri 24-May-13 09:43:19

Well done on the jog!!

TrinityRhino Fri 24-May-13 09:49:25

no no I didnt jog. she did
I meant it was miniscule but she ran so not too bad

Mouseface Fri 24-May-13 11:29:01

Morning Trin

Just wanted to send you a huge {({({({ HUGGLE })})})} from us all here before we headed out to brave the big bad world.

You are doing amazing, school AND a little jog for Lolly? Ace grin

Lots of love xxx

Lemonylemon Fri 24-May-13 13:14:51

Trin:

A minute at a time; an hour at a time; a day at a time. Remember to breathe in and then breathe out again. I hope that the panic is backing down a bit.... It is scary though. x

Trinity, I missed this but want to say how very sorry I am.

I have no advice. I simply can't comprehend what it must be like for you. But you and your children are in my thoughts and I will pray that you all find a way through.

InkleWinkle Fri 24-May-13 15:49:09

You are so strong.

Your DD2 sounds lovely & amazing (as do all your children)

Thinking of you all xx

MelodyBaker Fri 24-May-13 20:33:20

You are strong trin. You've been here before and you got through it- you'll get through it again. The pain Will fade but it will never go away, you and the girls are coping as well as you can.
Thinking of you x

Mouseface Fri 24-May-13 23:01:39

Hello lovely....

Just off to bed with Nemo as he's not 100% tonight still, but I wanted to say that tomorrow is another day.

As the lovely Lemony said, A minute at a time; an hour at a time; a day at a time.

It's as basic as that when all is said and done and as Melody says, you have been here before (which is uber shite btw and I have a very stern words for the man up there when my time comes, you and the girls are on my list of 'what the actual fuck's' now) and you got through it.....

Because you have to. Most days life is beside you, life is on a parallel road to you, you can look across and see parts of you, parts of what you've done. Where you've been.

The parallel road is mirrored, but different somehow. You can chose between the two which you want to walk on. The parallel one is the one filled with your memories, every memory from every part of your life...... you can cross the roads Trin, safely, and decide where you want to be that day, that hour........ does that make any sense? I hope so....

You can do this, you can do tomorrow. Let's worry about the rest as and when it comes.

Love to you, those girls and Cliff's family and of course the Pup!!

Night lovely xxxx

TrinityRhino Fri 24-May-13 23:11:37

im hearing you mouse
and everyone smile

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Sat 25-May-13 00:52:43

Mouse you are truly fab.
I'm going to start a new what-the-actual-fuck list.

Was lovely to see you on the blanket thread Trinity, I think they were all really chuffed that you posted.

Quite why you should have to go through this again is beyond my comprehension.

It almost makes me wish I believed in a God so I could bollock him at my final reckoning.

And it would be a him because a her would have it better organised.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Sat 25-May-13 00:55:09

Sorry, really don't mean to upset or offend anyone, but I am cross angry

DevonCiderPunk Sat 25-May-13 01:10:00

Trinity I am a serial name-changer and I know your story, but hadn't seen this latest. I am so sorry to read of it.

When I'm grief-stricken, I like to imagine that a future "me" is holding my hand and saying "it WILL be all right again, you WILL get through this."

xxxx

Almostfifty Sat 25-May-13 10:50:52

Morning Trin, how are things today?

Mouseface Sat 25-May-13 12:49:43

Hey smile

Devon - I love that, that image you have of yourself holding your hand knowing that everything will be okay, everything will get better...... Sorry that you have clearly suffered great loss also. sad

So, the weather here is glorious here today, what's it like up there Trin? I do hope it's not grey and dreary. Are you going out today? xx

Thumbwitch Sat 25-May-13 13:38:47

Just dropping in Trin, to see how you're doing and offer more (((hugs))) and love from down under. xxx

TrinityRhino Sat 25-May-13 16:07:13

the weather is lovely and hot.
weve been out in the garden mowing and strimming.
also sorting lots of stuff to car boot tomorrow

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Sat 25-May-13 16:08:00

Hope you're having a nice relaxing Saturday Trinity.

Salbertina Sat 25-May-13 16:18:47

Hi Trinity- glad to hear the sun's shining on you. Take care x

Mouseface Sat 25-May-13 20:17:14

Productive day then? smile

Good for you lovely, now, when can I expect you here to sort my house out? Why is it that you just seem to tidy by moving one lot of 'stuff/junk' from one room making it all lovely and tidy, to another, and then repeat?

I know I'm not alone in this!

So Trin you wonderful woman you, what have you planned for tomorrow? Are you expecting visitors?

Thinking of you all so much, take good care of yourself xxx

TrinityRhino Sat 25-May-13 22:08:37

going to bed now
getting up at 6 to go and do a car boot
hopefully make some money and declutter
feeling all your hugs
thankyou

Almostfifty Sat 25-May-13 22:10:38

Sleep tight.

TrinityRhino Sun 26-May-13 06:08:27

morning all panicking like buggery
where has my ability to do new stuff gone sad

Morning Trin! All new things start with the same first steps as everything else. Once you do two, try four, then another four and before you know it you are well on your way so not worth turning back.

Those first steps are the hardest, but remember we are all there with you in spirit cheering you on. If you can feel our hugs, hear our cheers and us supporting you like a mother supports her toddler when he takes those first wobbly steps. It's not long before he doesn't need her to physically support him, but she is always there, to help negotiate the tricky stuff, to pick up, dust off and kiss grazed knees.

It's a lovely day here. I think it should be with you too. Perfect weather for a car boot. It always rains when I do one, so you have that on your side today.

Remember, one foot in front of the other ((hugs))

Puddlelane Sun 26-May-13 07:51:29

Hope the Car Boot goes well Trin, be thinking of ya

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Sun 26-May-13 09:38:28

Morning, I posted last night and lost it 'cos the site went unavailable.
Your day in the garden sounds therapeutic and productive.

You're probably at the Boot Fair now, hope you sell lots.

I was reading on another thread about ways people deal with panic/anxiety.
One idea was concentrate on breathing in for a count of 7, and then out for a count of 10.
Another one was choose one of you senses and verbalise out loud what it is experiencing.
So you might say I can hear the birds singing, I can hear music on the radio and the girls talking upstairs. And really concentrate on listening.
Or I can feel the cushion under my fingers, my hair brushing my face, my jumper at the back of my neck. And concentrate of how it feels.
I don't know if any that might help, but I hope you feel better.

FromGirders Sun 26-May-13 10:04:22

Morning Trin. I'm trying to mn less these days, but I'm still thinking of you and will check in from time to time. Hope the car boot goes well - every time I hear from you, I'm overwhelmed again by how strong and stoic you're being.
We're having a car boot sale up here this weekend too - must be the day for them!
Many hugs to you and the girls.

TrinityRhino Sun 26-May-13 13:49:29

hey everyone
just got back
knackered but happy
we made £62 pound after taking away the entry fee and the float.
not at all bad
thats the electrician cost covered and 15 pound to put some petrol in the car smile

Thumbwitch Sun 26-May-13 13:51:46

Hurrah! you did better than I ever did at car boot sales, well done! I was lucky to cover costs (fuel and entry). I gave up pretty soon blush

OliviaMMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 26-May-13 13:56:16

WEll done Trin

InkleWinkle Sun 26-May-13 14:21:43

£62 is fab. You must be a good saleswoman!

Mouseface Sun 26-May-13 15:45:15

Afternoon Trin - well done on the £62.00! That's fantastic and sorts three things out. The spark, the fuel and some space. Great going lovely xx

<reading that backs makes me sound like an arsonist, sparks, fuel and making space, oh dear!>

everlong Sun 26-May-13 17:51:15

Well done and good on you for doing it.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Sun 26-May-13 19:28:09

That's amazing , £62 !!!
We've never even covered the cost of the pitch.
Bloody, blinking well done! So, so pleased for you.
And really well done for persevering and getting there in the first place.
Have a lovely sunset brew and give yourself a huge pat on the back.

So impressed. I have never had the willpower to do scar boot sale. Good on you.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OpheliaBumps Sun 26-May-13 22:56:51

Hi Trin sorry I'm so late to this thread, been away for a couple of weeks with no internet.

I'm so sorry to hear your news, it's truly dreadful how much you've had to endure, my heart goes out to you and the girls. You are doing so well, stay strong lovely lady x

WandaDoff Mon 27-May-13 18:06:47

Hi Trin, how are you & the girls today? Are they at school today? Glasgow schools are off but its pissing down so we've just had a PJ day.

£62 is pretty impressive for a mornings work, might have to do a few car boots myself, we've certainly got enough unnecessary crap lying around cluttering the place up smile

MrsJacksonBrodie Mon 27-May-13 18:48:32

Hi, Trinity, I have been unable to post for a week or so (I've had a MNHQ apology shock and we're just back the Wettest Day Ever at Loch Lomond, so am just checking back in.

You are doing so amazingly well. For absolutely bloody years I've been meaning to go to a car boot sale to get rid of some of our accumulated rubbish and am never organised/focussed enough to actually DO it. And there you are, done it and made a great profit <impressed>

Thinking of you lots. Love and strength, as ever x.

TrinityRhino Mon 27-May-13 19:16:59

thanks all
yep they were at school today but a horrid day. soaking wet.
feel angry and unmotivated today
had indigestion most ofvthevday kicked off by taking my ads without food.
silly of me but at least I'm not forgetting to take them.

mrsmindcontrol Mon 27-May-13 19:40:04

Thinking of you Trinity. Am in awe of how together you are at such an awful time. Your lovely girls are so very lucky to have such a strong mummy. Don't worry about feeling 'unmotivated', although I've never been anywhere close to where you are right now, I'm pretty sure sometimes you just need to exist for a day or 2 rather than worrying about getting shit done.
Big hugs xxxxx

That was me btw, MrsJB - a NC from before my 'ban' that I had forgotten about blush.
Yes, the day was horrid enough to depress those with the most gilded of lives....
We now have a sunset hmm

Mouseface Mon 27-May-13 22:18:28

Hello lovely Trin - it's been shitty weather here too. It's BH Monday so typical, traditional British weather, cold, wet, blowy and as grey as you like! Brrr.

Big Huggles™ to you, the girls and Cliff's family, and whoever else may be there with you, holding your fragile hands.

I imagine that life is getting even harder as the funeral approaches, although I also have a feeling that there is more peace around you this time, more serenity, more control of what is happening....... I'm sorry if I'm wrong and I hope you know where I'm coming from by saying this, but I get the sense that whilst you will never accept just how cruel a blow life has dealt you all yet again.

I know that it's not that you're immune to what is happening around you darling, it's that you are more 'aware' of procedures, of how certain things will pan out.

It doesn't take any of the gravity away from your horrific loss. Your loss.

Remember that one of us will be usually be around (The most wonderful Thumby - given her geography is usually around when others aren't, bless her lovely self) so PLEASE, even if it takes one of us a short time to pick up a post, do come and let it out, whatever that particular 'it' may be over the coming hours and days sweetheart and I'm sure someone will come to your aid.

I'll drop you a text too, just in case you're still on your phone? Is your Mac up and running yet?

Lots of love to you all,

Night lovely, enjoy your snuggles in that giant bed.

Mouse xx

<sorry for the waffling post> blush

Puddlelane Tue 28-May-13 08:18:14

Morning Trin
Hope you managed some sleep at some point
Is the kettle on yet?
Raining here today- I'm sure it's because I bought a BBQ and a hat yesterday!

Wishing you well and giving you a squidge x

Puddlelane Tue 28-May-13 08:19:41

Blimey Mouse's post is so heartfelt and wonderful and mine is erm breezy! Not meant to be, just a little hello!

everlong Tue 28-May-13 08:29:03

Hiya Trin. How did you sleep?

Have you got a date for the funeral yet?

TrinityRhino Tue 28-May-13 08:29:28

lol puddlelane
mouse is very poetic. I love reading her posts. I feel braver from them.

no kettle on. I dont drink hot drinks.
feeling less than totally not motivated today.
not sure why

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Tue 28-May-13 09:09:21

But you are achieving a lot, and grief makes everything a huge effort.

You need some downtime to process what's happened and just indulge yourself.

You're doing brilliantly, don't worry about what you can't do love.

Mouseface Tue 28-May-13 21:10:23

Trin - Just popping in to say goodnight and to say I got your PM, replied and am on it! grin

Night lovelies xxx

Oh and btw, YOU ARE BRAVE, YOU ARE STRONG, YOU ARE FIERCE. YOU'RE TRINITYRHINO!, YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT? smile

Remember why you called yourself that? A Rhino is strong, tough, armoured to face the world, armoured to face the fight and win...... One Day, Hour, Minute At A Time.

You are awesome. We're all here because of you and the girls, for Cliff and for everyone in his life too. xxx

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Tue 28-May-13 23:22:59

Night Rhinos x

magimedi Tue 28-May-13 23:26:21

Just checking in, Trinity.

Hope you are asleep in that lovely new bed.

I think of you often during the day - big hugs.

TrinityRhino Wed 29-May-13 05:04:36

good job Ive got a huge bed
cdd1 saw a mouse in her room so joined me at 1 in the morning grin

sick of waking up so early
maybe I need a blackout blind like a baby or toddler

panic is greeting me every morning. maybe because the funeral is getting closer

TrinityRhino Wed 29-May-13 08:06:25

I have my macbook charger, it arrived yesterday and then I forgot DOH

now I have access to all my photos again yay

need to be able to look at them, post them etc

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 29-May-13 09:04:02

Oh good, that'll be comforting smile

WandaDoff Wed 29-May-13 09:07:33

I saw the photo on FB, he had a wonderful smile didn't he. I'm not too keen about the spider though!

TrinityRhino Wed 29-May-13 09:17:43

no I cant stand spiders but that was geckos 5th birthday party
we had a mini zoo thing
I actually hed the spider too but it hasn't helped me fear of them hmm

TrinityRhino Wed 29-May-13 09:17:56

*held

WandaDoff Wed 29-May-13 09:24:15

I this you are very brave to try, not sure I could.
There was a spider on the back of the bathroom door & I didn't see it til I sat down on the loo. It took me about 20 minutes just to get out of the bathroom. I'm a bit of a wimp where spiders are concerned. blush

WandaDoff Wed 29-May-13 09:25:11

That was yesterday by the way, forgot that bit.

TrinityRhino Wed 29-May-13 09:28:01

lol wanda
I cant stand them
there was a massive one in the bath two days after cliff died and me and the three girls spent about 30 mins shuddering, and throwing things at it till it stopped running around and then I paid dd2(by far the bravest of us) 2 quid to grab it in tissue and chuck it in the loo blush

this thing was HUGE
it had a motorbike and everything

TrinityRhino Wed 29-May-13 09:28:34

and I know I know I'm not supposed to pass on my fears but in the circumstances I just couldn't manage

Mouseface Wed 29-May-13 09:34:37

Morning smile

Now that you have your charger and your Mac back up and running, BACK YOUR PHOTOS UP!

YOU CAN USE THIS, HAVE A LOOK HERE or/and get a memory stick and put them onto it. That way you can see the photos whenever you want.

I swear it wasn't me in CDD1's bedroom this morning! grin

I know that this week is going to get harder the longer it goes on, the nearer it gets to the funeral. Make sure that you take your meds, even if you set an alarm on your phone or ask someone to remind you each day to take them, you need to keep taking them on a regular basis, try and take them at the same time each day, every day sweetheart.

What else can we do to help, other than the obvious. If only..........

Do you need anything? Is there anything that the girls need for the funeral or want to do for Cliff that we can help organise?

Please just say.

Sending you love, and lots of Huggles™ from me and Nemo xxxxx

Mouseface Wed 29-May-13 09:36:25

PMSL at it 'had a motorbike and everything' grin

We have them like that here, massive feckers! Hairy Bikers for sure! grin x

WandaDoff Wed 29-May-13 09:39:38

I remember being stuck in the bathroom with DS1 when he was about 5 (15 now) , & there was a spider on the sink, that moved every time I made a move towards it.
We were both squealing like pigs & I knew that the main reason he was squealing was because I was, but I couldn't stop. blush

Anyway, 2yr old DS2 came running in beause of all the noise & asked "what wong".
We pointed at the spider & he said "I get it Mummy" & splatted it with his hand. grin

TrinityRhino Wed 29-May-13 09:42:06

morning mouse <hugs> right back at ya
I have managed to get hold of an external hard drive to put all my everything onto smile

lol thats awesome wanda
grin

Mouseface Wed 29-May-13 10:14:21

Well done you! smile

Now, go read your phone woman and answer my text! grin xx

TrinityRhino Wed 29-May-13 10:33:26

oops sorry reading it now

Mouseface Wed 29-May-13 15:18:34

Trin - all sorted, going to PM you in a mo.

How are the girls? Are they in school today/tomorrow? xx

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 29-May-13 15:52:47

You are sweet you two smile xxx (((Mouse+Trin))) thanks

Fairenuff Wed 29-May-13 17:24:59

Trinity I just wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you, your girls and Cliff's family. I'm going to go back and read the 18 pages I've missed here. Will be back later lovely x

Trin, still thinking of you.
Slightly too much RL going on here for much meaningful MNing to go on hmm.

Well done to photo retrieval and backing up, spider holding and party hosting. You are a pillar of strength woman.

Arf @ motorbike - our housespiders are Harely worthy <<boasts>>

Mouseface Wed 29-May-13 22:10:15

blush blush blush

TripleB - you made me blush!

Thing is, I have 'known' the most lovely Trin since Neil died. She came over to the Brave Babes threads after a bit of brutal torture gentle persuasion, and told us all about her drinking, how it was her default setting, it was the ONLY thing that blanked the loss, her way to cope with the pain, the memories, the guilt, the aching deep, deep within her heart..... to stop the need, to stop the tears, her DD's tears, questions, blame..... the realisation that he would never come back. Ever.

Never walk through the door again and shout 'Hey'....... sad

And now? Well, here we are again. Unbelievable as it seems, unreal as it seems, we are here again, with our dear friend TrinityRhino, facing loss, pain, tears, anger, confusion, sorrow and emptiness. All over again. It's not fair is it?

Life can be so fucked up at times, sorry to swear, but really? Again? Trin has to face this shit again? Why?!

What did she do? What did Cliff do? There are no rules, no reasons, no justifications as to why it has to be this way......... I hate that my friend's heart has been broken again but this time, this time, she has us. All of us.

Everyone who posts here knows the sorrow and pain that Trin faces. Again.

BUT THIS TIME YOU ARE SOBER!!! BRILLIANT! I am so proud of you! You are not in need of the booze because Cliff gave you the strength to deal with anything that life throws at you, he taught you how to cope, to breath again, how to be you, how to look forward again. He feathered your wings so that you can carry the girls too, to fly up high above the pain should you need to......... and you will. We're all here under you, watching you, here for you.

Not long now darling friend, not long.

Please know and believe that tomorrow is just another day, 24 little hours, I'll be here, as will all of the other wonderful posters who have helped, held your hand, felt your sorrow.......... we're all still here.

Night lovely. Sleep well with the girls, and Pup, in the Sanctuary tonight.

Love to you all, Mouse xxx

FayeKorgasm Wed 29-May-13 22:18:02

Trinity. I've been reading your posts since you lost your lovely Cliff. I can't begin to imagine how you have carried on but my god you have been amazing.

I wish you continued strength. thanks

mouse that was lovely

trinity I am standing with you and sending you love x

TrinityRhino Wed 29-May-13 22:45:43

oh mouse youve reduced me to tears but thank you soo much
im glad these threads arent going to dissappear in chat

OpheliaBumps Wed 29-May-13 23:39:57

Oh mouse that's beautiful, made me cry too.

Thinking of you all Trin, sending hugs x

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 30-May-13 01:04:55

It's just that your wonderfully effusive posts, Mouse, say what I would struggle to articulate, even to someone that I really knew.

And Trinity replies with a few words that convey a connection between you that leaps out of my screen and warms my heart.

You will be fine Trinity, with your wonderful close and extended family, with the strong wings Cliff has helped you grow, and with Mouse under those wings catching the feathers that fall.

And all the rest of us wanting and willing the best for you, cheering you on and waving our pompoms.

BBB xxx

TrinityRhino Thu 30-May-13 07:04:20

morning all. <squidge for mouse>
<squidges for everyone>

ive been contemplating not going to the funeral
but I think I just wanted to know I dont have to iyswim

I may not go in the funeral cars though. its a long journey and I may need to drive myself to keep a hold of my panic

that would be ok wouldn't it?

Trumpton Thu 30-May-13 07:16:29

Thinking of you .xx

Almostfifty Thu 30-May-13 07:33:26

You do what you feel you want to Trin. Thinking of you.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 30-May-13 09:08:58

I think being in your own space, your car, is a good idea, but maybe have someone with you who could share the driving if you wanted them to.

TrinityRhino Thu 30-May-13 09:09:31

I think I want to go but I cant bear to have a panic attack in front of other people as, for me, it involves, retching, inability to speak, shaking, dribbling....not the most classy thing to be seen doing grin

TrinityRhino Thu 30-May-13 09:19:26

MOUSE <waves madly>

it just arrived, thankyou so much, all absolutely perfect and wonderful

faaaaaanks grin

<squeeze>

Trin - I lost my beloved DH at the beginning of April and drove myself to the funeral. I followed the hearse myself, in our car, just so my lovely DH wasn't on his own.

You do what you think is right for you. It's actually all that matters.

I'll be thinking of you today.

TrinityRhino Thu 30-May-13 09:25:00

hi daisydot, how are you doing? <stupid question>

so sorry for your loss <hugs>

thankyou for your kind words, I think just knowing that I can choose to drive myself makes me panic less <weirdo emoticon>

TrinityRhino Thu 30-May-13 09:50:51

oh god, someone help
cdd1 is crying and arguing on the phone with her oldest brother

and cds2's little boy have been ill overnight in the hotel so I'm now panicking about me getting ill

I'm an emetophobe...I'm sure everyone knows this...

TrinityRhino Thu 30-May-13 09:51:06

I cant cope with confrontation

Goldmandra Thu 30-May-13 09:57:57

Can you get out of the house and go for a short walk to clear your head and calm down a bit?

Arguing is normal at a horrible time like this. They might calm down and sort it out themselves, especially if you're not there for a few minutes.

OpheliaBumps Thu 30-May-13 09:59:28

Oh Trin if you do have a panic then no-one will be at all surprised, it's your beloved dp's funeral ffs, if you can't panic there, where can you?

Regarding cds2's boy, it's probably not a bug. Little kids often puke at big family events, I think they get overwhelmed at the thought of seeing everyone. But, to reassure yourself, take some handwash gel stuff so you can wash your hands as often as you want.

Thinking of you all x

Goldmandra Thu 30-May-13 09:59:35

Don't focus on worrying about getting ill. If it's a bug you've probably already had it and it could easily be because of the change of routine or something he ate.

((((HUGS))))

Goldmandra Thu 30-May-13 10:01:09

it's your beloved dp's funeral ffs, if you can't panic there, where can you?

Exactly. Funerals are for expressing emotion and there isn't a right or wrong way to do it. You're allowed to be distressed.

venusandmars Thu 30-May-13 10:07:14

Hi trin it must be so difficult to see cdd1, but she is dealing with her emotions in the way that feel right for her. You will not be able to stop her but can you do what you might do if there was some angry shouting on TV - sort of switch it off and go and get a glass of juice, or go and look outside at the clouds. And wait for the scene to be over.

venusandmars Thu 30-May-13 10:25:58

I think you are right to allow yourself to think about not going tomorrow. You do not HAVE to go. But I suspect that you will CHOOSE to go - because it's an important event in the whole span of Cliff's life, and maybe one day far in the future you will be glad that you were there during that time.

But how you do it is totally up to you. Do not feel that you have to behave in any particular way, arrive last, leave first if you want (or if you feel that you could not possibly walk in / out on shaky legs, then arrive first and sit down quietly, and stay sitting until waaaay after everyone else has gone). And do not feel that you have to do any of the crap of standing around and greeting people. Of course many, many people will want to speak to you, to let you know how much they loved Cliff, but mostly that is meeting their needs not yours.

Hang onto the arm of a strong and trusted friend, and know that you can say 'just get me out of here' if it gets too much. Speak to the person who is holding the funeral - he has been here before with you, and he will understand. It is his role too to make the funeral bearable for you. Ask if you can sit somewhere where it would be possible for you to slip out (so that you don't feel trapped and panicky). Or ask if there is a room right next to where the funeral is taking place where you could sit (with a friend) so you can hear everything, but where you can be more private. Speak to the minister about all the options, then you can see what will be right tomorrow.
(( hugs ))

FromGirders Thu 30-May-13 10:51:00

Hey Trin.
Will be thinking of you tomorrow. Like Venus said, you can choose to deal with it any way you see fit. I'm with you on the funeral cars,I hate them with a passion. Would much rather drive myself.
Many hugs.

Hey, Trinity, thinking of you.

You do what feels right to you re Cliff's funeral.
I get what you mean thinking about not going just to know that you don't have to and feeling better for that.
Yes, go in your own car; is there anyone who could travel with you? Just as another person by your side or as a driver if needed.
Re panic: it's an emotion, like any other - bring it on IYKWIM. Just like with the considering not to go to the funeral, 'allow' yourself the possibility that you might panic. Funerals are all about emotions, a lot of them painful, some joyful in remembering the deceased's life (an in Cliff's case the impact he had on yours smile). Panic away - 'tis scary to say goodbye. Allowing the idea that you might panic, will reduce the risk of a full on retch-and-dribble-attack.
Does that make any sense to you??

Let the young'uns sort out their own fights - emotions will run high for them too sad.

Much strength x.

TrinityRhino Thu 30-May-13 10:59:02

I dont think Cliff would (scuse the language) give two shits if I went in the procession or not
also only dd1 wants to go to the funeral and so we could go in my car together then I have no pressure to talk to anyone, I can stip the car and get out anytime, I can convince myself that there is no pressure to do anything

that is what my panic is borne from on the most part , its the feeling that I have to do things

anything, just the fact that there is no choice

I think I need to shake myself though
I'm a kind, loving person who likes to help people
so I'm not in the mind to want to do anything horrid or to upset anyone so why would I think that what I want to do is not important

I don't think I'm making any sense, sorry everyone, thanks for 'listening' grin

TrinityRhino Thu 30-May-13 11:00:03

'retch-and-dribble' attack...i like it lol

yes I get what you mean smile

TrinityRhino Thu 30-May-13 11:03:17

the funeral director is a friend of mine so I know I can trust her to help totally and completely

TrinityRhino Thu 30-May-13 12:03:06

I WANT A SOCK WAALLA

someone just posted a piccie of a sock elephant on facebook and its sooooo cute

i want a sock Waalla (Koala)

Almostfifty Thu 30-May-13 12:57:48

I love Koalas too. I have Australia on my list of stuff to do just so I can hold one.

If the funeral director's a friend, could she travel with you in the car Trin? So you've got her to hold your hand?

If not, just do what you want to do.

TrinityRhino Thu 30-May-13 13:14:01

I just had a seriously angry half an hour
sad sad

Thumbwitch Thu 30-May-13 13:17:01

Is the funeral today Trin?
As others have said, you are entitled to do whatever you feel the need to do at the funeral - whether it's a retch-and-dribble attack or a massive crying jag or whatever.
Drive yourself if you think you'll be ok to, otherwise it would be a good plan to have another driver in the car with you just in case. Or perhaps take a taxi?

On another note - what the hell is a sock koala??!

Thumbwitch Thu 30-May-13 13:17:22

oops, xpost - what made you angry?

TrinityRhino Thu 30-May-13 13:23:25

just the whole situation
I shouted about being sick of being the one thats in charge and being the responsible fucking adult
the whole unfairness of it all
I want to just stoo
I want to break things but Id only have to fucking clear it up angry

Thumbwitch Thu 30-May-13 13:30:01

That makes perfect sense. Do you have any china you hate? Or some glass bottles that need recycling? A very good plan is to go and chuck them into a bin/recycling bank. That way you don't have to clear them up afterwards. smile

It IS bloody unfair. It's utterly bastarding awfully unfair. It's bad enough to go through it once, but twice in such a short time is unthinkably appalling. You have every right to be utterly fucking livid, so go for it for a while.

Mouseface Thu 30-May-13 15:26:25

Afternoon Trin, I'm pleased everything arrived and is all good, any sweets left?! grin

Now then lovely lady, every single post up there ^ about tomorrow is bang on, my neck aches from nodding! You're going to go from this to that, here to there and back again so many times in the next 22+ hours. And I'm afraid to say that this is going to be a bit of a waffling post to you.... sorry blush

As everyone has said, it's your choice how you get there - you don't drink so have no worries about driving. The girls will be fine going with you or someone else, but I do think if you drive, having someone in the car with you (as others have said) just in case you become overwhelmed on the way there or need to stop would be a good idea, for your own safety if nothing else, I hope you understand what I mean.

Cliff's family are not for you to worry about - and I do mean that in the nicest way possible because YOU have enough on your plate sweetheart, let them decide how to get there, etc. I assume that his ex-wife will be there too? So she can help you out again maybe? smile

Turn up early, before everyone else and wait to be let in if that's what you'd rather do but bear in mind that there may be a service before Cliff's, so you may have to wait.

Gather your thoughts if you want to before you go in. Or just go for it. Take a pen and paper, you might think of something you want to say last minute or people might want to give you their details to keep in touch smile

Slip in after everyone has arrived and sit where you like, stand at the back, wait outside if you feel it's all too much. The girls and Cliff's family will all be fine, there will be people there to help with the younger two.

People will understand and will help you, if you need them to lovely. Ask for help, say the words, it's not failing, it's not weakness, it's human nature. And it shows your inner strength, the strength that you now have in abundance because of Cliff. smile

No-one will judge you for how you behave, venus has said everything so very well.

<squidges venus>

If you do have a panic attack, then you know what to expect don't you? You know how to deal with it, it'll be fine, it will pass and YOU WILL BE OKAY. xx

And, so what if you do have one? I bet you anything you like that it wouldn't be the first time that someone has had that happen during a service, it won't be the last, and it won't be as bad as you think it's going to be, because it might not even happen. Give yourself some credit, you know more now about yourself than you ever have.

If you don't want to talk to anyone, then don't. If you want to waffle away to everyone that's there, then do that! grin

There's only one certain thing in all of this though sweet lady, until tomorrow, when Cliff arrives at the house, that will be the time when you will know for sure exactly what to do, maybe not before.

It will all just click, fall into place, sink in, it will suddenly be so very real that you'll feel the fear in your heart, the reality will hit you, hard, it will be raw, almost burning. But you know it's coming and you know that you can do this, however you want to, you'll know when that time comes, when that moment arrives, you'll just know what to do.

Between now and then you will swing from every emotion under the sun. and because you've been here before, it's going to drive you nuts! So, come here and let it out, just as you are doing.

Remember that you are stronger this time. YOU ARE. You will shine, you will stand tall and proud and you will be the woman that Cliff showed you was hidden away inside all of the hurt you'd held onto for so long.

Tomorrow, tomorrow will be the saddest day because it's the closure isn't it? The last goodbye and for me, the hardest part.

I'm just so sorry that you are even having to post these messages again Trin sad

Massive love to you all. I hope the card arrives in time too darling xxx

Mouse xxx

(The funeral is tomorrow afternoon for those who have asked)

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 30-May-13 16:55:12

It is one of the most fucking unfair things I 've ever heard of, and you should be angry.
Can you go and shout at the sea? Or hurl pebbles into it?
Know that whatever you decide to tomorrow will be the right thing.
And know that all of us atrocious cunts (hope it's OK to say that) will be standing virtually behind you sending you strength and hugs.

magimedi Thu 30-May-13 17:17:29

Mouse has said it all in her last post.

I (and many, many others) will be thinking of you tomorrow afternoon, Trinity. There will be a HUGE wave of love & hand holding invisiibly all around you.

I've only 'known' you for this last two weeks, but I often think about you as I am going through my day. You really are not alone.

Mouseface Thu 30-May-13 17:25:23

No, no, no TripleB - we're a Nest Of Vipers, remember? wink

Good shout at the pebble throwing, I forgot where you were Trin.

Stupid question number 1 - how are you feeling now?

Stupid question number 2 - have YOU had any of the food that arrived today?

You need food for your meds, MEDS!! Don't forget them lovely. smile xx

Trin - I'm doing OK, thanks for asking, especially when things are so unutterably shit for you.

I just keep telling myself to keep it together! I write to my DH every night which helps process how I feel and seems to take some of the pressure away.

It is hard - I really know it is - to avoid feeling responsible for other people's grief. I had to force myself to step away from it eventually because there just wasn't enough strength left inside me to give. It is taking pretty much everything I've got to manage day to day!

You will be fine tomorrow. Cliff's love has equipped you with strength, self assurance and confidence and he will see you through. My beloved DH did the same for me.

Do what you know in your heart is right and all will be well.

TrinityRhino Thu 30-May-13 17:47:13

<squidge> mouse
and everyone

I have taken my meds, I have eaten

I'm being a good girl grin

I really appreciate all your posts mouse, they really are helping me to be calmer

TrinityRhino Thu 30-May-13 17:51:34

thanks daisy <hugs> smile

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 30-May-13 18:21:24

Well done, you're doing brilliantly.

Have the kids calmed down?

Mouseface Thu 30-May-13 19:33:49

Daisy - <squidges>

I'm sorry you have been through such a tragic loss also xx

Trin - you are doing great, you really are smile xx

Gawd, Trin, I am angry for you - the unutterally unfairness of your situation is just fucking outrageous! Rage away. At times you might find yourself angry at Cliff for having left you - that's ok too.

You are not responsible for helping others with their grief - if you can all support each other, great; but each of you who knew and loved Cliff will have to find your own way.

Nought else to add to Mouse's epic post <impressed>

I hope all of you will give Cliff a good send off tomorrow xx.

Mouseface Thu 30-May-13 21:57:36

Trin my lovely, I'm off to bed, (MIL is here for a few days) so I just wanted to say that I might not be on here tomorrow but you know you can call or text at ANY TIME if you need a little pair of Mousey ears to listen to you.

I'll text you anyway and be thinking of you all day sweetheart.

Tomorrow, we're going out to a National Trust park, and I'm going to take a mini tea light in a little blue glass bottle that I have, we have a few dotted about the garden, hung from trees, bushes, rose arbours, they are ever so nice, the colour so subtle smile

I'm going to light it at the time of the service and say a little goodbye if that's okay? We're having a picnic too, so will raise a posh plastic glass of diet coke to Cliff, the strong, gentle giant.

I hope that you sleep for a few hours at least. I know you won't rest properly, but try to lie down, in the quiet for a while, just a while?

Love to you all, you are in my heart xxx

Mouseface Thu 30-May-13 22:02:09

Pacific - that's true isn't it? The getting cross at the person you've lost for leaving you? Grief is a really odd emotion isn't it? Such a mixed bag of feelings, some expected, some not.

Some obvious and avoidable, some not so much.......

It's just so bloody unfair, it really is. However you feel Trin, whatever you need to do or say, you have every right to be that person, say those words, feel those feelings.

Night lovely people xxx

mummylin Thu 30-May-13 22:02:26

Will be thinking of you tomorrow. You can do it. X

IwishIwasmoreorganised Thu 30-May-13 22:02:29

I wish that I could type half as eloquently as Mouse does. She says the right things, at the right time and she says them perfectly.

Trinity, go with what feels right to you today, tomorrow and all the days after that. Cliff has helped you to become so strong, that you will do the right thing I have no doubt.

I feel so helpless down here in South Wales, but am sending you love and strength for tomorrow and beyond.

Xxx

Mouseface Thu 30-May-13 22:52:57

One last thing..... I imagine you feel like your heart is broken and shattered just now. We're all going to hold a piece of it in our hands, we'll surround you tomorrow with it, your heart, safely holding it, and we'll start helping you by putting it back together with you, each day, rebuilding the strength, the Rhino in you.

We'll all stand by you, catch you if need be but I doubt you'll fall. Not this time. This time you are solid, resilient and brave. We're just going to be close enough to hold you, but far enough away so that you can breathe.

I'm shutting up now, I promise! xx

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 31-May-13 00:22:39

Hope you're asleep, or at least calm and peaceful now.

Tomorrow is a huge hurdle, but two things about it are guaranteed.
You will get through it.
And it will end.

There will, of course, be lots more hurdles, for a long time to come.
But I think they will be more manageable because you'll have more control over them and they won't involve other people so much.

You'll be able to think, right I'll do that one today and that one tomorrow and the others can fuck off and wait till I'm ready.

See you in the morning. (((((big hugs)))))

TrinityRhino Fri 31-May-13 01:15:32

not at all calm
just had the runs
totally panicking that I have a vomiting bug
I have IBS so can have the runs for no real reason but I"m completely panicking now that I'm going to be sick
I cant go tomorrow, thats it

mummylin Fri 31-May-13 01:26:50

Take deep breaths into a paper bag to try to stop the panicking. Can you get yourself a warm drink after that , then try and get some sleep. If you can't sleep at least lay on your bed so you get some rest. Then in the morning you can decide what you want to do, it's your call.You have been a real trouper, but it's not possible all the time when you are heartbroken x

Guerrillacrochet Fri 31-May-13 03:51:31

Hi Trin
I've came across your thread yesterday and am so, so sad to read what you've been through. It is shit on an epic scale and I admire your strength so much. I really hope the funeral goes well later. As mummylin says, you can decide what you need to do in the morning- I find the daylight always helps, however dark and shitty the night before has been. In less than 24 hours you will be in a different place- everything has been building up to today and you just need to live through it, whatever you decide to do.
I know you don't always feel it but you are so strong, you have managed so well! And you have so much love and support here- I am new to MN and it makes me want to roar with pride at womankind, it is bloody marvellous.
I love your user name- it makes me think of Trinity from the Matrix, so I keep imagining you having a serious Rhino with mirrored shades and a leather coat, like a big bodyguard in the background!
I bet your runs are down to your IBS- stress is a big trigger, and it doesn't get more stressful than this, does it?
Hope you've managed to get some kip
xxxxx

TrinityRhino Fri 31-May-13 04:21:58

trinity from the matrix was the inspiration for my username. shows how long ive had it grin
dh and I loved that film

foofooyeah Fri 31-May-13 04:30:12

oh Trin, just seen you are still awake.

I know its not really surprising - I know its a heart breaking and hard day ahead for you, maybe a zombie like state may actually be the best thing to get you through.

Strength and peace to you

TrinityRhino Fri 31-May-13 07:53:15

ok managed some sleep and had no more runs or anything

feeling shattered though

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 31-May-13 08:09:12

Morning Trinity, glad the tummy's better. Can you manage to eat something?

TrinityRhino Fri 31-May-13 08:11:59

oh god no, I'm not eating anything lol
sorry but there is no chance, I will be taking something with me though so that as soon as I feel I can eat I will

I cant believe I'm doing this again
its not bloody right

TrinityRhino Fri 31-May-13 08:13:24

I want a cuddle from him sad

Guerrillacrochet Fri 31-May-13 08:14:43

I loved it too, but thought Matrix 2 was a bit pants though (didn't bother with 3)!
Trin I hope you managed to get a bit of sleep? Sod's law means you may have dropped off about half an hour before the alarm goes off though.....
I think it's just about 8 in the morning there? (I'm in China at the mo) I'm imagining the morning light and the wonderful salt-tanged air near the sea (missing the UK, can you guess?! smile). Breathe it in. This time tomorrow you won't have to worry about the funeral because it will have happened. Whatever you decide about today will be the right thing for you. Everyone here is thinking of you and sending you love.

everlong Fri 31-May-13 08:18:09

Sending love your way today Trin.

Guerrillacrochet Fri 31-May-13 08:18:25

Duh crossed posts. Glad you managed some sleep.
It isn't bloody right, it is incredibly crap and unfair. I wish we could cuddle you sad.

YoniMatopoeia Fri 31-May-13 08:20:16

Thinking of you today Trin

RoomForASmallOne Fri 31-May-13 08:20:23

Sending you love today Trinity.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 31-May-13 08:20:39

OK, makes sense, drink something though?

Sorry sweetheart, I just don't know what to say about the cuddle, sad have you got something of his you could wear?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AuldAlliance Fri 31-May-13 08:26:44

Thinking of you.
Cliff has left you so strong and brave, it's a fine legacy.
You'll get through today, you're already halfway there, and then the days to come will be less daunting.

Thinking of you today. X

Fairenuff Fri 31-May-13 08:40:42

I haven't managed to catch up with all the posts yet, Trin, there are so many people who love you and care about you and many more, I am sure, who haven't posted but will be thinking of you today.

I will hold a little piece of your heart and keep it safe, as Mouse said, there are enough of us to help you through this day, one moment at a time x

Almostfifty Fri 31-May-13 09:02:45

There are a lot of us who will be spending the afternoon thinking of you and willing you on Trin.

LottieJenkins Fri 31-May-13 09:04:30

Trinity I have followed your threads and just wanted to send you a HUGE hug from Wilf and I. My husband died eleven years ago so i have followed a similar path. I will be thinking of you this afternoon.

saffronwblue Fri 31-May-13 09:09:01

Thinking of you today, Trinity. Here is a koala for you. koala

greenhill Fri 31-May-13 09:13:01

Thinking of you and your family today. Probably the whole of MN are with you in spirit x

AgathaF Fri 31-May-13 09:54:26

Thinking of you today (and the other days too) Trinity. I hope it goes as well as it can. You have done so well so far, I'm sure you will make him proud today too.

TrinityRhino Fri 31-May-13 09:54:42

you cant know how much you are all helping. I feel comforted like your all right next to me just right there to help in an instant.

ill make sure there's enough space for you all

<imagines everyone as tiny people all standing together on one chair next to me>

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 31-May-13 09:58:47

We are all right there, arm in arm with you.
I won't be able to think about much else today.
Lots of hugs to you all xxx

WandaDoff Fri 31-May-13 09:59:31

<<squeezes hand>>

ohforfoxsake Fri 31-May-13 10:00:55

Thinking of you x

Hulababy Fri 31-May-13 10:01:18

Thinking of you today x

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Fri 31-May-13 10:02:12

thinking of you today.. x x

YoniMatopoeia Fri 31-May-13 10:02:53

If we are all tiny do we have high pitched squeaky voices to match our size?

<<muses>>

Badvoc Fri 31-May-13 10:05:23

Thinking of you and yours today x

TSSDNCOP Fri 31-May-13 10:06:33

1cm tall squeeze here too. Horrific day sad

TrinityRhino Fri 31-May-13 10:34:21

no high pitched squeaky voices
just normal but teeny tiny so you can all be with me smile

Fairenuff Fri 31-May-13 10:46:16

Pop us in your pocket smile

I have a little pebble in my coat pocket that has a special meaning to me. It gives me reassurance just by being there because it reminds me that I'm going to be ok.

I also have a 'lucky' penny in my purse which also holds special memories. Little talismen to offer comfort and resilience.

Have you anything small that you can keep with you just to touch or look at when you feel the need?

foofooyeah Fri 31-May-13 10:48:38

I now have an image of 1000s of teeny tiny MNers all on a chair - it makes me smile. Still with you through this day.

TrinityRhino Fri 31-May-13 10:49:47

dress check
shoes check
hideous feeling of desperate sadness check
ex wife sobbing on phone to me check
two little kids off to school, do not want to go to the funeral, want to go to school and sports day check
2 big kids showering and getting sorted check
cdd1 being ever so strong, poor girl check

and would you believe it but after I went to the local paper a couple of days ago, for the third time in four years about the potholes
(huge history of deadlines they tell us and then not doing anything, crap temporary filling etc etc)

they have been sent down this morning to do temporary patching and be finished before the cars come and then they are coming back on monday to do it properly...appparently

so it only took two funeral processions to need the road for them to get their arses in gear...

Tissues, Trin. Don't forget tissues.

Oh - and I knew I'd get a headache, so I took some paracetamol before I left home. And I took a drink for the car because crying makes me thirsty.

TrinityRhino Fri 31-May-13 11:03:45

oh yes, I have tissues, bottles of flavoured water, electric fag + extra battery, more tissues, more water and I want to take my waalla but I dont think I can really do that can I?

If the little ones were coming, I could pull it off as if it was one of theirs

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 31-May-13 11:06:17

You're doing so well, nearly half way through the day.

spiderlight Fri 31-May-13 11:13:06

Thinking of you today

Mouseface Fri 31-May-13 11:15:39

Trin - you are doing great.

Can I pop into your pocket? Don't put your keys in there will you, they really hurt! I'll just sit quietly so you know that I'm with you all through the day, or your bag... near the tissues would be good, the dry ones though.... being a mouse has it's advantages smile

You are amazing sweetheart. You really are. You are STRONG. YOU ARE STRONG! Remember what Cliff has given you, remember that inner shine xx

Lots of love to you xxx

(yayayayay for potholes being repaired but as you say, it's only take 2 funeral processions for them to do it, today of all days!)

Thinking of you today Trinity flowers xxxxxxx

TrinityRhino Fri 31-May-13 11:22:41

mouse, you cant go in my pocket, sorry no chance

YOU'RE ON MY SHOULDER grin

thanks everyone

I'm still sitting in bed, not wanting to have a shower, dont want to move
I've taken the kids to school and found my clothes and shoes
but I went back to bed, cant be fucked
want to tell the world to shove it up their fucking arse tbh

sorry if I'm offending anyone

funerals suck
I dont want to do it

TrinityRhino Fri 31-May-13 11:26:39

<puts phone alarm on for 15 mins>

<puts friends on the telly>

<snuggles down in comfy haven and pretends for just 15 mins that I dont have to do any of this>

mummylin Fri 31-May-13 11:27:15

Another one of many sending you strength and thinking of you.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 31-May-13 11:41:35

I don't want you to have to do it either, the whole thing absolutely sucks.

Almostfifty Fri 31-May-13 11:46:15

Are you up now lovey? Baby steps, and remember to breathe.