Support thread for anyone who is grieving for a parent (2)

(973 Posts)
mummylin Thu 02-May-13 10:46:10

Welcome to our new home everyone. This should be where we all start to move on a little bit. Together we will cope.

vladthedisorganised Thu 02-May-13 14:35:48

Hi everyone. Sun is shining outside and it feels like it'll be nice for the bank holiday..

ephemeralfairy Thu 02-May-13 14:47:57

My dad died very very suddenly when I was nine. I'm now 32 and I miss him horribly still. Today is particularly bad for some reason. I'm actually fighting tears as I write this (not good as I am at work...!)

I don't have much else to say really, but I would say this: no-one should underestimate how deeply children grieve, and the many many ways their grief can manifest. Looking back now, I can see that my grief was not dealt with very well. This created a lot of anger and resentment and problems in my relationship with my mum and eventually led to some pretty disabling bouts of depression throughout my 20s.

I'm not out of the woods yet by any means. I'm getting there, but I still have bad days and the most random things can trigger memories of my dad and make me cry.
anyway..thanks for listening everyone!

likesnowflakesinanocean Thu 02-May-13 15:31:48

found you smile. ds is improving slightly but still looks like he been in a fight

mummylin Thu 02-May-13 18:12:50

Hello fairy. ( sorry can't write full name ) I am sure that its a difficult time for some children and I'm sorry that you are still feeling it so badly many years after. Indeed none of us actually know if we will be free of this awful grief. I actually had a sad few minutes this afternoon when I was in a shop with dh and they had a little robin ornament, which right away made me think of my mum.I did not go into the next shop with dh. I sat in the car and had a few tears. No point telling dh , he would think I was mad.
snowflakes I am glad that your ds eye is improving, is he letting you put drops in ok ? Hopefully you are right and it will be a good weekend, we have so much to do in the garden, but I don't have my usual enthusiasm any more. But it will get done eventually. Ay plans for the weekend ? Glad you found the new thread.

mummylin Thu 02-May-13 21:29:51

This post belongs to ssd I have taken the libert of re posting this for her.
"just seen this from another poster, it sums up how I feel about my siblings

"It's not that you want them to do everything - it's just that you'd like them to care enough to think of you.

We've just been through an awful few months with homelessness etc and the lack of support from my big family has caused more of a lasting effect then anything else.

I very quickly came to realise I am the doormat of the family and nothing that I have done for them will ever be returned.

I've never been able to say anything to them about it though. It somehow seems too tantrumy to bring up doesn't it?"

fluffymindy Thu 02-May-13 21:44:38

The bluebells coming out reminds me of my Mummy. Today I drove past her horse field and looked for her car but she has been dead for almost 11 years! I am moving away from this area soon and to be honest I will be glad to be getting away from all the familiar places in which she is missing.

mummylin Thu 02-May-13 22:24:33

I think there will always be things that will remind you of your mum, a smell, a song, lots of things. I am sorry you lost her and hope you find happiness where you are moving too

StinkyElfCheese Fri 03-May-13 11:49:35

My mum died a year ago today I mias her so much. So much has happened since then I keep crying today nd haven't done that in months and to top it all off dad wants to come round tonight with his girlfriend ( aka the manipulative old hag) my children are all off school today. And have no idea why mummy is sad my dd has just told me I don't news to be sad as nanny is in heaven ( she's only 7) I just want Somone to give me a hug sit me down and make me tea sad

likesnowflakesinanocean Fri 03-May-13 12:15:39

I'd make you tea if I could smile dd sounds very sweet. be kind to you today and feel however you need to feel. x

mummylin Fri 03-May-13 14:46:53

Sends stinky thanks brew And a big hug. X sorry you are feeling upset, the thing is grief can creep up on us when we least expect it and it knocks us for six. But brighter days ahead for all of us x

mummylin Sat 04-May-13 10:13:02

Hope you will all havea good weekend, but who has pinched our sunshine ? It's dull and overcast here.

Flowersinthedirt Sun 05-May-13 18:42:46

Hi all, sadly I'm now eligible to join you on this thread. My mum died 3 weeks ago of complications from breast cancer. I am, to say the least, struggling.

I alternate between complete denial and pretending it never happened, to obsessively turning over the events of her last week in my mind. Most of the time I distract myself but at other moments I am struck by the horror of it all, almost like a physical pain in my chest which leaves me gasping. I feel like I will never experience happiness or feel joy again. I have wondered if I would be able to kill myself to be rid of this feeling, the thought of actually living like this is too much to bear. My partner is keen to book holidays and plan the future but I feel like time has stopped. I think about my childhood and now realise that this was the happiest time of my life and it is gone.

I still have my dad, and 2 brothers, but our mum was the centre of everything and we are all lost without her. I have fantasied about my dad proposing a suicide pact for us all. I'm also experiencing a sort of existential crisis I suppose. Having seen my mum pass from alive to dead, I think about all the people I will have to watch die in future - including my beloved dad. And, as I am the youngest, no doubt my brothers too. It is just unbearable. I have never felt such pain. I want to pull my brain from my head and just be empty of all thoughts forever.

Sorry to go on, I don't feel I can talk to my partner, and most of all I want the comfort of women. My family is now entirely male aside from me and I feel so lonely. Thanks for listening x

mummylin Sun 05-May-13 20:30:50

Oh flowers I can see what pain you are in. Firstly I give you my utmost sympathies. I know exactly how you are feeling and the first few weeks are almost unbearable.please don't think that if you weren't here things would be ok. They won't as you still have your dad and family and think what it would do to them. Your loss is very very new , but I too and most of us have felt like you at some point. There is no easy remedy for you and you will find at times the grief is overwhelming. I expect you have gone over and over that awful day so many times. You may also find that people you thought would be supportive are not. Many people choose to ignore the whole thing when you meet them. And many others think you will " be over it" in a couple of weeks. Of course this isn't true and this is where we have helped each other on this thread. I can tell you that eventually things do get a bit easier, but for now I'm sure it's the foremost thing in your mind.i also think I will never be entirely happy again without my mum. You wonder how life goes on around you and want to scream at the world" don't you know my mum died" it's almost inconceivable that people Are out shopping etc. please do not suffer on your own , there are. Lot of us here who will try and help you to get through it, and if you want to rant and rage sometimes , that's ok too.i hope you have a good family who can help you too. X

t875 Mon 06-May-13 16:04:05

Mummlin - what a nice opening message hope your going along ok xx

Ssd - Hope your weekend is going along ok and work is going along ok too.
Biscuits and snowflake waiting (how are you?? not heard from you in a while, galaxy, kitty??) I cant remember anymore but please jump in and find us again and let us know how your doing/getting along.

Stinky - big hug and a brew we are always here so rant away, we have shared anger, at times memories of them that's made them smile, times when we have thought of something funny, what our mums/dads legacies have been and what they are following on to us. Hope you feel a little better, its a year for me and tbh i still get days where i feel like the beginning. x

Flowers - So very sorry to here of your loss, it is raw as hell and this time last year i was a crying, sobbing, angry, lost, state! I also gasped at times too with panic attacks, i just couldn't believe it and tbh still don't some days after a year and still miss her like crazy! My best friend!! But my belief is she is with me and guiding me with all i do, but we all don't believe that way, its a comfort to me but then some days it means nothing as i want her physically. I believe I feel my mum around me and i also know i have had little things happen and they are from her
Do what you feel comfortable with, light a candle, have a little special box which you can put little special bits in of your mums, i hugged my mums cardigan and other personal at the beginning. Surround yourself with people who you care about and they care about you and are really there for you, asking how you are etc, i really learnt this like mummylin said, 10 years i have been friends with haven't asked me hardly at all how im feeling.
I will also so though I have had 4 sessions with CRUSE bereavement and they have been great, there is also a generic CRUSE helpline just for one off chats with and I have also found these great and a massive help.
people say it does get easier, well yes it is a little easier, but then there some days which are harder and the firsts are very hard. We will be here for you like we are for each other and we will all get eachother through them dark days, {{{big hugs}}} x

mummylin Tue 07-May-13 11:17:46

Hope you all had a good weekend. Shame the weather is set to change. I hope that wasnt the summer ! Went up to the crem on Sunday and replaced the flowers and found one of the little plaques I had got for mum had been broken. It may of been caught when the workmen were striking around the graves, but I will get another one. One of my brothers went to another town and in the market found a Lovely vase which has "mum" and a little verse etched into it it's one of the vases made for cemeteries that just slide into the ground. Love to everyone x

mummylin Tue 07-May-13 11:18:52

Should say strimming not striking !!!

t875 Tue 07-May-13 20:16:37

oh dear mummylin sorry to hear about the plaque, but the vase sounds nice and with mum too. I have a candle holder with mum on it which i love seeing my candle burning through.

Im going along ok, but i am really missing her so much and i have to say i hate it, still cant quite believe it!! sad
she was such a larger than life person, we all ticked around her and there is a massive gap with her not here.

Hope everyone is going along not too bad. ((hug)) if anyone needs it x

mummylin Tue 07-May-13 21:44:58

Will we ever truly believe it [t875]? It just does not seem possible sometimes does it. Don't know if I mentioned it or not, but I had another upsetting little thing in te sat few days too. Was in another shop with dh and the background music they had playing was my mums ring tone I still have on my phone. That also upset me, so in the last few days , it has been the music, the little robin and the broken plaque ! But I can replace the plaque ok.do you still keep your mums numbers on your phone ? I can't bear to take it off. X

Marshy Tue 07-May-13 22:14:10

Mum's funeral today. The sun shone and it was all beautiful - fitting, comforting, just right.
I still have her number in my phone..........but it's someone else's number now. Will be an age before I get used to that.

t875 Tue 07-May-13 23:20:20

my mum didnt have a phone unfortunately so I haven't got anything like that and any messages on the land line would have got wiped when unbelievably the phone died after my mum passed.
I have all the spiritual side but now is the unfortunate realisation now for me that she is gone sad and that is very hard, but im going through the day but just hate my mum not being here. Oh bless you Mummylin how very hard to hear the ring tone and all the other things, what happened with the robin? Think i might have missed that!

marshy sending you a big hug, it is a very tough day isnt it, i had tremendous sadness but i also know she would have loved what we done for her the songs and who was there. Thinking of you and sending you suport, we are here for you. x

likesnowflakesinanocean Wed 08-May-13 08:08:20

muddling along okay , the vase sounds nice and a shame about your plaque. I too have mums texts and her number still saved don't think until I get a new phone ill be removing then. her last texts hardly make any sense though sad. got to go to her house tomorrow to help her husband with something, I am dreading it iv been back twice since and it always upsets me.,

vladthedisorganised Wed 08-May-13 09:12:28

Hugs to everyone this morning. Hope I can ask for some more.. had really hoped the miscarriage was over, but had another scan on Friday (blithely skipped in expecting a 'yep, that's it done, now you can get on with your life') and it appears not. Made the mistake of looking at the screen which was not nice when I was alone - hadn't thought I'd need to bring DH with me and had the 'oh God I have to get back in the next 30 minutes because neighbours can only look after DD until noon' going on too. I've to have surgery tomorrow and won't know until this afternoon when I need to go in, whether I'll be kept in overnight or even where I need to go!

I miss my Mum so much at the moment, she went through the same thing when I was small and I know she'd be over sorting things out.
It's funny, the thing that got me most was seeing on FB that a friend's dog had died - everyone was messaging her and saying "hope you're OK, I'll be round in a couple of hours, don't try to do anything as you'll be upset".. and realising most of my friends don't know about the miscarriage, and I have no idea how to tell them without feeling like a blight. "Hi everyone, long time no see, and thanks for your support when Mum died.. well, things haven't been so good since then.."

One of Dad's friends has been diagnosed with a brain tumour and I know I ought to be shaken by this, but it's almost as if I can't deal with that as well. I did tell Dad that he shouldn't feel burdened by me if his friend needs him, since what I was going through wasn't on the same level and I'd sort things out on my own, even though it was the opposite of how I actually felt.

Frankly, I'm getting to the stage where I'm just waiting for the next disaster, which is no way to live sad.

likesnowflakesinanocean Wed 08-May-13 09:31:33

sounds horrendous vlad, am sorry things haven't gone smoothly and hope the hospital get you in soon enough. please feel u can tell your Friends if only one of them just so you get some support x

mummylin Wed 08-May-13 10:41:35

So sorry to see your latest postvlad how horrible for you to have this still hanging over you. Hope they get you seen as quickly as possible. Sorry also to hear about your dads friend. Hope he goes on ok.
marshy I am glad the funeral went ok ,it's a real ordeal isn't it. It's almost like your on the outside looking in
t875 it's my mums mobile phone number i still have on my phone. I actually have mums mobile here in her handbag. Of course the battery has long run out but one day I am going to charge it up just to see if the last,messages she sent me are there. Then I will send them to myself
so I can keep them. Mums handbag is exactly as I bought it home from the hospital. Even her purse has money in it ,but that's where it's staying !
Well the sun has now gone and we have had a lot of rain in the night. It's still very humid but oh so dull.

mummylin Wed 08-May-13 13:04:17

My sister is coming here in about 20 mins !!!!! She is he just here for the day , now I can see the twins again x

mummylin Wed 08-May-13 19:47:26

Had a nice couple of hours with her, but she didn't have the babies with her, so I missed out there. Her mil is babysitting so sis could come down here to put her original flat on the market.hopefully things will move fast so they can move back down here. She is going back tonight, hope ou all had a good day

t875 Thu 09-May-13 21:20:55

ah glad you had a nice time with your sister mummylin good luck for her moving back to you i bet that will be lovely for her and you to see the babies!!

Ohh boy had a wobble tonight mil was going on about going to g yarmouth for her hols and got this that and the other and i could think of was why isnt my mum here to be able to go on holiday and get all the nick nacks etc, i started getting upset and i actually thought she'd shut up but didnt!! I felt silly i know she didn't do it to be horrible as she is a lovely lady and we get on really well, she just wanted to waffle on about her holiday lol So i had to excuse myself and go in the kitchen for a good cry sad I just cant believe she isn't here anymore, i really want her here to be going on holiday and enjoying herself it is actual shit it really is and not bloody fair!!! HATE IT!!! :-(

mummylin Fri 10-May-13 11:10:33

I understand exactly how you feel. I don't want to do lots of things now that mum isn't here to share it with me. I still get the urge to phone her and tell her something.
On a different note, I have a busy day coming up tomorrow, my friends son is having a wedding reception and I am doing all the food for 45 people ! This afternoon I am going to buy it all. They Are on quite. Tight budget and don't want anything too fancy so I'm sure it will all be fine. I have done it many times.
I hope things improve for you [t875] it makes you wonder if we will ever recover from our losses dosent it. I'm sure we will get there eventually, I just don't know when. Take care
Have a good weekend everyone, I hope it will be enjoyable.
[vlad] sending you good vibes, hope you have been dealt with now and you are not still having to wait x

Marshy Fri 10-May-13 17:07:31

Hi everyone,
Hope all ok. I've been reading all posts with interest and also thinking about mum no longer being here to share things with, although in truth that had been the case for a while as she was becoming more distant as a result of dementia, but even so would still ask after me, my DC and sister. I've been worrying about my teenagers the last few days and it's sad not to have her to talk to. Made me realise that there will be so many changes and transitions that she won't be here for, and that finally I do have to be the adult that other people turn to.
Have been feeling very tearful since the funeral. Can't quite work out how to feel better at the moment, but I guess I will.
Good wishes to everyone.

ssd Sun 12-May-13 19:30:29

hi everyone, sorry I've been quiet for a while, just a bit deep in thought these days

hope you are all doing as well as you can, I now that sounds daft, its not easy getting through, is it...

just a little story of something that happened yesterday....I was in my room, sorting out some of the photo's from mums house..was thinking of mum and dad and just felt really down and sad, have been feeling like that a lot recently...anyway looking out the window I seen a bird which I thought was a robin, flying around my garden. I thought it cant be a robin, not in May, I looked closer and seen it had an orange breast, it was flying near my window, I got a good look...then another one joined it, they looked like a pair. I was quite amazed, couldn't imagine seeing a robin at this time of year, so later on I googled the little bird and it turns out its called an American robin, seems to be very rare in this country...I was just amazed 2 of them turned up near my window just as I was thinking of my mum and dad........remember the talks we had about robins earlier in the year?

made me feel slightly less alone, maybe they are with me, I'm just struggling to believe in anything these days

the robins were lovely little birds, too

tass1960 Sun 12-May-13 20:14:08

I still have my mum's and my sister's phone numbers on my phone - they both died in 2009 - I won't be deleting them ever thanks

mummylin Sun 12-May-13 21:22:59

Hello all. Have ad a very restful day as I was worn out yesterday doing all the wedding party food. It's amazing how much time it all takes. In the end I had backache , shoulder ache and headache ! Then had to go to the reception last night ! Was given a lovely bunch of flowers from bride and groom
ssd yes I remember the conversation about the robins, we have one etched on my mums headstone.
tass same here. How awful for you to lose both in the same year. I too have lost a sister,but she didn't have a mobile phone as there weren't many about when she died in 1989, but on my phone I have my mums number. Photo and her special song for her ringtone.
marshy glad to see the funeral went well, sorry you aren't feeling up to scratch, but it's early days and very new for you.
snowflakes hope you are doing ok and that your horrible neighbours are not up for causing you any more mischief.
t875 hope you are ok. Don't think it's going to be as quick as she hoped to move back, The plan she had when she left here on wednesday did not go down too well with her dh!!!
vlad you are in my thoughts, hope you Are getting lots of love and cuddles xx

mummylin Sun 12-May-13 21:23:59

Where is biscuits I wonder. Hope you are ok ! X

likesnowflakesinanocean Sun 12-May-13 21:47:18

evening ladies,

how are we all?

i went back to mums house this week for the first time since planning the funeral there. was so weird but nice to see her husband and be at her house for a while, put me in a bull mood for the rest of the day so i lounged about on the sofa reading my book feeling sorry for myself. got savaged by mums cat made me laugh, that cat is a menace she jumped on and bit the vicar.

Went on the grandparents at 30 thread that pissed me off no end. im so glad i had ds when i did and my mum got five years with him. she adored him, would of and did do anything for me. pissed me off to see so many people going on about how they wouldnt cope/would throw their kids out ect. i wanted to yell at them that one day they might not be around for their kids and it might be sooner than they ever expected. but then i know its only because of how things have turned out that i feel that way so i stepped away from the thread

neighbours not causing trouble but same as usual, social outcast round here me!

thinking of you all xxx

zimmyzammyzoom Sun 12-May-13 22:45:26

Hello can I join the thread? Think I might've posted before but the thread for so huge and I didn't keep up with it. It will be Dads birthday on Saturday. He would've been 64, he died in October last year 10 days after my DT's were born. We were so close and I feel angry and sad my DC's won't know/ remember him (also have 3.2yo DS). We are going to his memorial garden to send balloons and lanterns to heaven for him. Can totally relate to those of you who have kept your loved ones mobile numbers and the frustrations with people who are still here, I almost swung for MIL the other week moaning about her 75yr old BIL and how he was so poorly he couldn't play bowls. wTAF? My dad didn't even get to retire. People don't mean any malice of course but its hard to listen to.

ssd Mon 13-May-13 09:02:28

zimmy, of course you can join in, anyone is welcome here, its a very supportive thread. I'm sorry about your dad, that is such a young age to pass away, you must feel very cheated. And yes to the insensitive things people say, I think most of us here have experienced that, sometimes its just mind blowing. It is hard to listen and shrug it off, I feel I've got a tonne weight on my shoulder with all the hurt and bitterness I'm carrying. But it does us no good, doesnt it...just really hard to shrug it off. Please post away whenever you feel up to it.xx

mummylin Mon 13-May-13 09:05:17

Hello zimmy I hope you will have a good rememberance birthday for your dad. Your plans seem lovely. We had a similar thing to you where my sister gave birth to twin girls 4 months after my mum died. She would of been so proud. First twins we have ever had in our family. I too hate to see so many people moaning about a parent. Like all of us on here I know we would all give anything to have just 5 more minutes with our loved ones.
snowflakes I will find that thread and have a read. I think that sometimes people don't know how lucky they are to have what they have got. But I suppose until bad things happen no-one really knows how awful it is when we lose a parent.sadly everyone still has it to come.glad all peaceful for you. Still no chance of moving ?

SirChenjin Mon 13-May-13 09:15:37

Hi - another one wondering if she can join please? We lost mum suddenly last year in February. She'd been misdiagnosed by a GP who decided that she had IBS, despite horrendous weight loss and then latterly, bad hip pain. When a new GP did a home visit she was admitted to hospital immediately, scanned the next day and given the terminal diagnosis the next. She was riddled with cancer, and was unconscious less than 24 hours later. She died 3 days later. Dsis, Ddad and I were all able to stay in the hospital room with her, and because my sister is a nurse they let her do a lot of her care which was lovely. The staff were amazing, I can't tell you how grateful we are to them.

Some days it's OK and I feel fine, other days I miss her so much it hurts. I was driving to work the other day and a Buddy Holly song came on the radio - she was a huge BH fan, and I just broke down sad sad. I planted a clematis on the anniversary of her death this year, and it seems to be doing very well in the garden.

ssd - the weirdest thing, but I saw a robin with an orange breast over the weekend too smile

mummylin Mon 13-May-13 09:36:49

Hello sirchenjin it's the little things that catch you unaware that hurts isn't it. In my mums case it's Roy Orbison that makes me feel so sad. When you hear certain music your brain instantly takes you back dosent it. It seems that you and your family had such an awful shock to find out about your mums illness. I am glad that at least you are happy with the care your mum received. Sorry that you have had to join this thread, but it has been an absolute help for me and others.

SirChenjin Mon 13-May-13 10:10:40

Thank you for the lovely welcome Mummylin, and hope that I can be of some help to others too. I'm so sorry to hear about your mum sad

It's true, it's the little things that really catch you out. I noticed that her favourite clothes shop was closing the other day, and felt quite weepy - whenever she came to stay she always liked going there. So many things really - things that the kids have done that she's missed, programmes on the TV I know she would have loved, books that I've read that I can't tell her about, our phone calls, the excitement of walking down to the station to meet her coming off the train...

As others have said, it's quite hard to hear people talking/moaning about their mums and you think, you have no idea how lucky you are that you still have her

mummylin Mon 13-May-13 12:11:09

I have a book here that my mum was half way through. She had asked me to go and get it from her house amongst other things. Little did we know that in only a few hours she wouldn't be here. It was completely unexpected and I will never get over it. It is just unbelievable. I still have the book , one day I will read it. I still have loads of stacked crates with a lot of her stuff in that I could not bear to throw out. Her purse in her handbag still has her money in it, her mobile is here but of course not charged up.one day I will charge it just to see if any text she sent me is still on there. I have her potato peeler, of all things, because mum touched it , oh so many things.she has left such a huge hole in all our lives.

karinmaria Mon 13-May-13 12:33:54

Hello everyone - can I join? My Mamma passed away at the end of January after two years of leukaemia. We were only given two weeks to come to terms with the fact there was no treatment left before she caught a chest infection. At least she was at home with me, my sis, dad, my DH and her brother.

I cry for missing her every day, it really hit me after having my son 6 weeks ago. Not sure how well I'm coping but at least I'm crying now which is more than I could do before baby came.

It's so unfair. She was only 62 and the life of our family. She'll never know her grandson (although he was good enough to kick from inside me when she was ill!) or see my sister settle or marry or be pregnant.

Strength and love to all of you. I don't think anybody expects to be in this position and in this much pain, but I suppose we just keep doing our day to day bits and life somehow goes on.

mummylin Mon 13-May-13 13:15:59

Hello karin sorry you too have had to come on here. It's surprising how many babies have missed out on knowing a grandparent. Yes it's good to cry. I remember when my sister died I didn't cry for ten months , trying to be brave for my mum. I really paid for that as eventually I had to have about 3 months off work with depression. This time , losing my mum I have cried bucket loads. It's better to do that I think. How sad, your mum was so young.my mum was older but I miss her like hell, just everything about her. It certainly helps to talk to others in the same situation though.

BiscuitsandBaileys Mon 13-May-13 13:36:52

Hi mummylin I'm here! Thanks for thinking of me, hope you're ok, bet that was nice to see your sister last week. I check the thread most days to see how everyone is doing.

ssd those little robins sound lovely, just when you needed them too smile

vlad hope you are feeling ok, {hugs} to you. Sorry you're having such a tough time x

I had a bit of a cry last night as we spent a few hours at my mum and dads house sorting things out yesterday. It just feels so wrong to throw out their belongings, I have kept lots already but we obviously can't keep everything. If I had my way I'd leave the house as it is forever! The house is where they moved to when they married 43 years ago, where my sister and I grew up, I don't want to clear it and sell it sad
Also had a bit of a crap evening as my dd2 had an accident and has broken her wrist sad

Hope everyone else is doing ok, t875, snowflakes and the newcomers to the thread xx

mummylin Mon 13-May-13 15:10:21

Hello biscuits how horrible you have to clear the house, it's a horrid thing to have to do, but I have to say I bought so much home with me and still haven't got round to sorting it out. My siblings will have to have some more stuff cause I'm not throwing anything out !!! I have about ten big containers with stuff in. ! I don't envy you at all. When mums house sold I cried so much at seeing the sold sign up and I have never been down her road since. I would hate to see other people standing in her front garden.
Poor dd2 how did she do that , will she be in plaster for long ?

ssd Mon 13-May-13 17:40:26

biscuits, clearing mums flat was the hardest thing I've ever done, I was literally in bits. I had to do it myself, 3 weeks after she died. I still find it hard to accept my siblings thought that was ok. Different perspectives I suppose.

karinmaria Mon 13-May-13 18:48:56

Mummylin thank you for the kind words - you're so right about crying! I probably would have kept up my drought for a similar period of time had it not been for bub and ended up in trouble too. Does the hole left behind ever get easier to deal with? I hope so!

Biscuits I can't imagine what it must be like to do what you're doing at the moment. My sister and I have not gotten round to doing Ma's clothes yet although we made a start on her toiletries etc and that was hard enough. It's amazing how a whiff of perfume or face cream can bring memories whirling in.

mummylin Mon 13-May-13 19:32:04

I could not face clearing my mums clothes at all but luckily my aunts stepped in and cleared the wardrobes for me. It was too sad to see her clothes hanging there. Oh god this brings it all back so clearly. I don't envy any of you having to do this awful job

t875 Mon 13-May-13 22:39:51

Hi everyone

Biscuits - Will get back to you, bless you having to clear the house, that really isn't easy, I didn't find it easy last year but then sorting out her shoes the other day i was a mess!! JUst makes it all so real.
poor dd having an accident, what a time. xx

Ssd I definitely think that was a sign with the robins and how weird there being two!! xx

mummylin- What a shame things arent moving along for your sister, bet she was hoping to get back up with you guys!

Vlad and snowflake - Thinking of you guys, hope things are going along better for you both xx

The the new people im so sorry to hear of your losses and we are here for you, it is a horrendous time and talking on this forum has really helped me through them hard times. xx

mummylin Mon 13-May-13 23:23:26

Oh she will still be coming [t875] just not as soon as she hoped. It may be hopefully in the beginning of next year.not going to write anymore now as am nearly asleep in the chair ! Goodnight all.

BiscuitsandBaileys Tue 14-May-13 09:48:57

mummylin I'm not surprised you have kept so much of your mums things. I think I'd rather keep too much than regret throwing something away. For me it's seeing their writing, it's so sad knowing that I'll never see that again sad
Dd2 fell off of a rope swing in the woods poor little thing. They were having such fun as well. Not sure how long she'll be in plaster for, we're going to the fracture clinic next week.

ssd I can't imagine how hard that was for you to clear your mums flat so soon after losing her, and alone too. Must have been really tough. I think I remember you saying you had to give the keys back quite soon.

karinmaria you are so right about smells bringing so much back to you. I brought some tea towels home that were brand new. I got them out of the bag when I got home and they smelt like mum and dads house. If anyone had seen me with my head in these tea towels they would have thought I was mad!

We haven't even gone near their clothes yet. My dad couldn't face clearing mums clothes so we have those to do as well. One of my aunties said she'd come and help us with those. Clothes are so personal to someone though aren't they? I think I'll have a look through and pick a few bits out to keep as my auntie is quite ruthless!

t875 Tue 14-May-13 09:54:43

ah right hope it all works out for her mummylin x

I too took so much of my mums stuff and I have to go through it all over again and i tried the other day and it was tough going!

Hope everyone is going along ok today, My contract is for another 3 weeks hopefully ill have something else to go on too, i am soo ready for permanent or at least a 6 month contract.

mummylin Tue 14-May-13 10:02:19

Ridiculous as it may seem, I have lots of my mums writing, little lists of things I found around the house , I kept them all ! But I also have about 40 yrs of her diaries, which I haven't read yet. I am very lucky in that I also have quite a bit of mum on video, but again, I haven't plucked up the courage to look any of it yet, but I at least have it and loads of photos. I have some great photos from her 60th birthday which we had here in my house. We hired a Mr Puniverse for her. It was the funniest thing and my mum was in fits of laughter. They are great photos and lots of happy memories from that. It was something she was always talking about. He was the thinnest and funniest kiss o gram I have ever seen, but it made her night.

BiscuitsandBaileys Tue 14-May-13 10:05:29

Aww that's great mummylin, she sounds as though she loved a laugh! xx

t875 Tue 14-May-13 10:16:05

I say this although it kills me not having her around as i miss her like crazy it really does help to have the photos and video, i have video from Christmas 2011 and she is talking, haven't looked at it in ages got loads of videos too, i don't know whether I could look at it right now, i definitely don't find it easy to look at photos. I can imagine how funny that was with mr puniverse, i hear my mum laughing sometimes, i imagine what she would say when i talk to her, i was in BHS yesterday and i was going 'what do you reckon on that mum' (looking for my eldest for clothes) and i answered..'oh no that's no good for her, shes bound not to like it' - didn't know someone was opposite me looking at me and prob thinking who the hell is she talking too!! lol!

t875 Tue 14-May-13 10:17:31

oh and have the diarys too, reading 2012 and it abruptly stops in April - i hate that! Ive actually been writing a diary (havent for years) but ive wrote a diary for her as i know she would like it, its actually been good to write a diary again too smile

mummylin Tue 14-May-13 22:20:05

Yes biscuits you are right about mums sense of humour. That is one thing my whole family mostly have in common , we must of got it from her. I have had another dream about my mum , which I actually found quite disturbing. I was out somewhere when I met an old work friend. She said she was sorry my mum had died and I said to her. " no that was a mistake, they phoned me back and she is alive " and looking down the street where we were talking was my mum sat on a bench.i have no idea where we were! Once again no words were spoken between me and mum, that's three times that's happened.
On a different note, we have a real gale blowing outside. Won't be surprised if we. Lose fence panels. Time for a cuppa now, hi to t875, snowflakes, ssd . To all our new posters , hope you are all doing ok today

likesnowflakesinanocean Thu 16-May-13 21:49:14

6 months today, feel miserable at not hearing her voice or seeing her for half a year but in reality its a very short time out of how long it will be sad

mummylin Thu 16-May-13 22:34:00

Oh snowflakes it's so awful isn't it. I was only thinking that myself. How long it has been since I spoke to mum. The trouble is everyday takes them further away from us. And for you today, you are probably going over everything all over again. Even when time is going past, the memories of the most dreadful day of our lives dosent seem to diminish.we can forget things from yesterday but not that. Wouldn't it be great to have a pill that could wipe out all bad things and just leave us with the good ? I did actually look at a few photos today, especially from our last holiday, all I could think when I saw them was " she dosent look like she only has 9 days left to live" I found myself studying her face to see if there were any signs etc. which of course there weren'
I don't know how we can make things any better, I am just waiting for the time when I can think about her with happiness instead of the awful knot of sadness I still have.
One day snowflakes it will come for you,me and all of us.but the waiting Is so painful isn't it.maybe you can pop to where her grave is and sit for a while and talk to her. Maybe you will feel you are closer to her there.
Thinking of you, take care x

likesnowflakesinanocean Thu 16-May-13 23:04:46

know what you mean, it'd unbelievable how quickly things happen. I've mostly slept today feeling run down and fed up. after the surgery ds got ill and was off for over a week so I just carried on now I feel wiped out. I changed my screensaver to mum smiling, its nice to see her face. thinking of you all

mummylin Thu 16-May-13 23:08:02

Maybe you need some sort of tonic to help lift you up a bit. Thank god we have at least got memories in our photos. Try and rest as much as poss. Dosent matter if jobs don't get done. Look after yourself first xx

mummylin Fri 17-May-13 22:38:04

Hi all, hoping you have all had a good day. My day just been cheered up by my ds bringing me a gift of a tree that lights up for my garden. It's lovely. Wish my mum could of seen it.i also wish my mum could be sitting in my conservatory watching the little blue tits go in and out of our birds house. She loved to do that. Not sure if they are still building the nest or if babies have been hatched.

ssd Sat 18-May-13 17:36:23

hi all

haven't much to say, my mind is just tangled in knots these days, working it through

am thinking of you all xxx

hatsybatsy Sat 18-May-13 17:53:21

hello - I am joining you officially now. Mum died on Thursday morning after a 2 year battle with cancer. we knew it was coming - she was in a hospice for the last week - but it has still knocked us all sideways.

We are doing quite well on the admin - the funeral has been arranged - but it just feels very.... empty. People are being so kind but really I just want to hide away - I am really dreading bumping into everyone on the school run on Monday.

I have read back through the last few pages - it sounds like we are all in similar shoes - I would really like to join you.

mummylin Sat 18-May-13 19:40:13

You are welcome to join us hatsy although I'm sorry you have to. It's an awful situation isn't it. Your whole life changed in a matter of seconds. We have all struggled to accept things at times and I expect you will be the same. You will probably now find out your true friends. A lot of us have found we haven't had the support we thought we would get at times, even from our dh,s for some of us. Do look after yourself and feel free whenever you like to come here to vent / rave or just because you are feeling so sad x

ssd Sun 19-May-13 09:41:26

agree with everything mummylin said xx

mummylin Sun 19-May-13 17:00:38

Hi ssd are you doing ok ? For the first time today I have missed going up to the crem. But I will go over one evening this week instead. I feel really guilty about it.almost like my mum will know I haven't been to visit her. Hope things are going ok for you and you are accepting the fact that your family are not going to be there for you. Don't know what's the matter with bloody people xx

hatsybatsy Sun 19-May-13 17:39:39

back home - am shattered - might have a very early bath tonight.

Mum had had cancer for 2 years and we did know that this was the home straight - but that doesn't make it any better? DH cannot really understand as he feels it was all expected- so although he has been quite sweet, for him life is carrying on as normal (he is on one of his bike rides as I type) - whereas I feel like my whole world has fallen apart.

Sorry - did that actually make any sense?

Best to you all.

mummylin Sun 19-May-13 19:10:26

Yes it did hatsy perfect sense. I think dh,s want to think we are ok so they don't have to worry or something, I don't know what it is. I found my own dh quite thoughtless at times ,he just could not see it , so in the end I didn't say anything and came on here instead ! It's a place where others understand.it sends you back to being almost childlike . We all want our mums even though we are adults. The thought of all the years without her are galling to say the least. Please don't worry about seeing anyone tomorrow on the school run, some people don't even mention it , which is another thing that has upset a few us. I have not spoken to my neighbour since my mum died because he didn't even acknowledge her death, I took it as a personal insult , hence I won't speak to him at all now ! Wrong maybe ,but I felt hurt.

ssd Sun 19-May-13 21:39:55

hi mummylin! what you say about my siblings is so true and I think I'm starting to accept it, hard as it is. Hope I don't go backwards too much on this. Missed mum, and dad, so much today, had to drive out to where I grew up, and mum and dad died, just to try to get a feel for them, am desperate to get some sort of connection. Drove around and then pulled up at the flats where mum lived her last year, there was a little robin standing on the grass outside, like the ones I seen last week. Maybe its her saying I'm still here darling...? Don't know. Just so awful they are both gone and siblings so utterly unmoved. Feel like I've lost my past completely. Its so awful isn't it. Seen our house mum was in for 45 years before she moved to sheltered housing, the council have cut down all the trees she planted and took down my dads hut he kept all his tools in. Its all gone. How can all that history and memories just go? Its so hard to take in. Went into a few shops there. I know exactly whats on their shelves, who works there, where everything is, when they open and close on each day of the week. The place is as familiar as the back of my hand. But I don't go there anymore. Have been going there after I left home at 20 every week for the last 20 odd years to see mum and dad, then just mum, now I've got no one to visit there. So just drive around by myself, standing in peoples gardens and peering over at my old house to see the changes made, and looking through the sheltered housing glass door just to see mums letter box and where she used to hang her wreath at xmas. All so utterly familiar and all gone.

Such a long process taking it all in and getting my head round it. And always doing it by myself. God if this doesn't make me a strong person nothing will. What is it they say about fire making you stronger? I'll be like He Man by the end of all this grin.

hatsy, I'm so sorry. Please believe we get it on here, keep posting, we are all in this together xx

ssd Sun 19-May-13 21:46:01

sorry to everyone

am sounding very me me me

grief has made me selfish

I know I'm not the only one suffering here, this is the only place I pour my heart out to, that's why I sound so me me me

sorry xxx

mummylin Sun 19-May-13 22:01:57

ssd they may have taken down your dads shed , but they can never ever take your memories away from you. That is the most important thing now. You have those forever. I think you ae very brave even to go to where your mum and dad lived. I will not even go into mums road , let alone to go and look at her house. I would be so upset to see it different and other people standing in the garden, so well done to you for doing that.glad you saw the little robin ! X

ssd Mon 20-May-13 08:24:10

yes seeing the robin was good, am always looking for "signs"...maybe that was one.

I go to their old house just to feel a bit of a connection, where we lived, where I grew up, its good to know its still there, even if its changed. I dont mind someone else in there now, its a council house so all that was out of my hands.

you're right about the memories. TBH I'm looking forward to the future when they fade a bit and I stop missing them so much, its really painful just now. But I know time makes a difference, its just so slow in passing.

hatsybatsy Mon 20-May-13 11:41:01

ssd - wow, facing a double loss with no sibling support. cannot begin to imagine that. completely identify with the need to go back to old haunts - am planning to go to south wales (my Mum was welsh) to visit her childhood home and scatter her ashes in the summer.

dh still hasn't actually said anything. he did let me have a lie in while he took the kids to school this morning though - so I guess that's something. It has bought me some breathing space before I have to face all the school Mums. I'll be a blubbering wreck if they say anythign and a crosspatch if they don't - it's a lose lose situation.

keep trying to remember Mums voice and am struggling.

t875 Mon 20-May-13 13:57:39

oh Hatsy so very very sorry, it really is horrendous and we are all with you holding your hand. Always here for you to rant and let us know how you are feeling, this group has been an absolute godsend to me.

Ssd - with mummylin i can imagine it must be very very hard to see such an emptiness surrounding where your parents live how vey sad. Maybe if you have a pub there or a park you and the family can start making new memories there, like a meal each month or you take a picnic to the park near where they live? I love seeing the robin it does make me smile glad you see it and i whole heartily believe that was a sign from your mum saying im here with you xx

Hi to mummylin, snowflake, biscuits, vlad and anyone on the thread ive missed.

Im not too bad, i really try not to think about her too deeply as it kills me, i have my banter with her and like to think she is there with me and looking out for me, at the moment im not going along too bad, but as we all know that can change like a great big tidle wave of sadness hitting you. Miss her loads, went to a fayre yesterday and brought her a little china plate wth two birds on it and put it on her shelf, im sure she liked it.
my jobs still going well - 3 weeks to go!!

Thinking of you all xx

ssd Mon 20-May-13 22:27:59

hatsy, it is like a double loss, feel I'm mourning more than my mum. will you be doing the school run tomorrow? take a hanky with you if you do, maybe you'll be surprised how nice and caring people are, I've found some people do surprise you, though not always in a good way!!

t875, glad the job is going well, hope the better days continue xx

hi to all of us here xxx

hatsybatsy Tue 21-May-13 09:11:20

am writing this with a hangover - a good friend from school (who lost her Mum 5 years ago) invited me and the kids over after school yesterday - and before I knew it, it was 9 o'clock and we were 2 bottles of wine down.

that friend has talked a lot of sense as I've gone through the last 2 years - and she was full of very practical insights into the next few weeks as well.

ssd - the hanky tip is spot on. even the lovely breakfast club teacher knew and gave my arm a little squeeze as she asked how I was.

I still struggle to believe this has really happened. It shouldn't be me - it shouldn't have been her.

mummylin Tue 21-May-13 15:57:41

Hello all.hatsy I think people who have lost their mum are the only ones who truly understand how devastating it is.ssd I have posted on same thread as you, I think that is terrible if we are right and it's the accident concerning a house. And we think we have problems. Dosent seem to be getting as much support As I thought she would. Poor poor girl. Hi to everyone, been out in garden and for those of you who see significance in the robin, yes one did come along ! X

ssd Tue 21-May-13 17:14:55

mummylin, I'm glad you saw a robin!!

no I don't feel that girl is getting much support, I think her thread isn't attracting much "traffic", if that's the word...absolute tragedy, as you say it put ours into perspective. I hope more people share her thread.

and hatsy, again I agree with mummylin, it really takes someone who has lost their mum to understand how we feel, glad you have a good friend there. x

t875 Tue 21-May-13 21:56:09

mummylin - Glad you saw the robin, funnily enough i saw one too today! smile

ssd and hatsy I think this is very true I have found the most compassion is from the friends who have unfortunately lost, but then again ive had a family member not say one thing and they have lost too, so doesn't ring true with her!

Saw some shoes today in BHS which i thought oh mum you would like them wouldn't you!! Just shit it really is, she should be here getting them bloody shoes!! Soo unfair! The loss of her leaves me with a gaping emptiness some days!

My thoughts are with you all, biscuits, snowflake and anyone else. xx

mummylin Thu 23-May-13 14:22:49

Hi all, well I hope you have warmer weather than down here. It's freezing and now it's damn well raining as well. Too cold to do any gardening for me today. I have to report that all the plants I transferred from my mums garden are all thriving . I am happy about that and I know she would be too.it helps to keep her close to me as I feel I'm looking after them for her. Mum loved her gardening and amongst her gardening stuff I have just found some runner bean seeds, I'm not sure if they are any good but I'm going to try growing from them. Hope you Re all getting by day by day, that's all we can do really isn't it. Wish the huge void would go though. X

t875 Thu 23-May-13 20:51:47

Ah that's nice that you found the beans mummylin. Hey maybe you were meant too!!

I know what you mean about the void. Yeah I get on but I hate it and wish she was here. Miss her loads. It's all still unbelievable! [ sad]
Hope your all going along ok as good as you can do. I could have killed my cat it ate the top ( leaves) off my strawberry plant!! Grr! Wasn't impressed I can tell ya!! Hope it still grows ok the leaves are at the bottom. We got it from. B and q and it didn't take atall last year this year it's gone mad!! X

Hi to you all x

mummylin Thu 23-May-13 21:44:54

I don't have strawberry s but I do have rhubarb ( mums plant I dug up ) that is growing nicely too. I wish people could come back each year like plants do.

ssd Thu 23-May-13 21:55:09

my mum loved gardening too, she has strawberries and rhubarb and loads of plants. I noticed the council must have chopped down a big tree in our back garden she grew which my dad made a bird box for, we used to watch the young birds coming in and out of it.

Am wondering when the huge void will go too xxx

Beachcombergirl Thu 23-May-13 22:03:50

Hi all

Ive been feeling a bit low the last few days. I have recently stopped breastfeeding. I have loved it and was upset to stop but dd bit me so badly on a few occasions that it became impossible. My last bf experience wasn't pleasant and I feel it's such a sad way to end such a lovely experience.

I have since felt weepy and very emotional. I'm sure the change in hormones won't have helped.

I'm also due back in work part time in a months time which I am dreading. The longest I've left dd is a couple of hours. We have a couple of settling in sessions booked in with nursery but I'm dreading it. We have no family nearby so it has to be nursery but I hate the idea of strangers Who don't love her changing her nappy and feeding her. They don't love her and she just loves hugs and kisses.

I miss mum and dad, both my parents died recently. My mum died suddenly and unexpectedly when dd was only 3 months old and I'm obviously still grieving badly. I think that bf was a comfort to me as much as dd and this ending is just another sign that things are changing and moving on.

I think I'm starting to grieve Dad all over again. He died 2 and a half years ago and although I grieved, mum was the focus and that pushed me forward. Since mum died so suddenly there is a big void where they both were.

To become a mum and lose a mum in such a short space of time is so overwhelming. Moving on with life, leaving my daughter and returning to work feels a step I'm not ready to take but I have no choice. Why is life so hard sometimes?

ssd Fri 24-May-13 08:50:29

oh beach, I feel for you. Thats such a lot of changes to cope with. I'm sorry, I really am. I agree with what you're saying about your mum and dad, I'm the same, exactly. I feel like I'm grieving for my dad all over again, although he died years ago now. Its like losing two parents at once and knowing its all gone. And yes to the void, too. sad

The nursery thing must be hard, I was a real woose when mine were young and never put them in a nursery, so now I've got a crap job and we are always skint! Try to think of how in a few weeks your dd will have settled and you might enjoy the company back at work. And I remember crying when I had to give up bf too, it felt such a special bond and it does feel really sad to lose it. But soon there will be other things to concentrate on, like dd learning to talk and walk about.

Can you have a little special time with your dh and dd this weekend, have a nice meal and a glass of wine when dd is in bed and have a chat about how you feel a bit? I find my dh needs told of how I feel, he really hasnt a clue and doesnt seem to imagine how I feel, sometimes I just burst out and tell him, he usually just nods a bit blankly!! but at least I get it out! And remember we're all here for you too xxx

t875 Fri 24-May-13 11:21:58

Hey ssd! Why don't you get a bird box or a bird feeder in your garden and keep that going in your family? We have introduced a bird feeder in the garden and I love seeing all the birds especially my ol friend the robin smile

Beech comber - hello
Was wondering about you Hun. So sorry it's a tough time I really know how you feel it hits me at times
So hard. Tbh I can't think about it too much as I've realised it kills me to think she's gone. But I keep her close by tucked in my heart.
I'm with ssd speak to your hubby and tell him how you feel but you come back here anytime to rant talk cry and rant. We're here got you.

Hope everyone is going along not too bad. Thinking of you all. Hugs if needed xx

mummylin Fri 24-May-13 17:50:51

I second the bird feeder. We have a bird nesting in our little house they go in and out all day feeding their babies, but this morning to my horror I looked out of bedroom window and a cat was sprawled over it and its face was right by the opening. There was another cat on the ground. I chased them off and bugger me five mins later it was back. We have now put something along the fence to stop them being able to get near. But yes ssd do as t875 suggests , the give a lot of pleasure and I'm sure a little robin will come along. Sorry you are so low beach. We are here to help.

ssd Sat 25-May-13 11:03:09

theres too many cats round here for a bird feeder, the cats are really clever, when I throw out bread for the birds the cats lie in the middle of the bread just waiting for the birds to appear!!!

still its a nice thought x

mummylin Sun 26-May-13 21:18:41

Hello all, have been to the crem today to put fresh flowers, looked lovely but one of my mums little robins has gone! She only has one now. So i. Am now going to be on the look out for a nice little stone one. I don't think anyone has stolen it, it may of just blown away as its very light. We have to be so careful of the flowers we take there as the squirrels eat the heads of carnations and chrysanthemums . So took lilies and roses.i was surprised to see that some little violas I planted had come out on both graves. I had forgotten about them , so they looked nice , I also planted a few busy laziest cause they will last for ages. Had a little chat to my mum too. Sad to leave there and leave her behind. I miss her.

ssd Sun 26-May-13 22:13:08

I know mummylin, I know sad

my mum came to see my boys today. I know that sounds weird. They were at a match with dh, I collected them afterwards. Dh said "something unusual happened at the game today, a little bird appeared on the pitch in front of us, just hopping about for ages, right in front of us, it was a little robin, it hopped about for ages then it disappeared into the dugout", he said he'd seen pigeons before during a match but never a little bird like this..ds2 said "it was gran, thats why we won the game". Dh said they all thought it was a message from gran. I know it was, I don't know why, I just know mum came to see the boys today.

ssd Sun 26-May-13 22:16:17

BTW this was a big game, not a kids match, the capacity is 50,000 and it was a full house, dh has been going for 40 plus years and he's never seen a little bird on the pitch during a game, never mind a robin x

mummylin Mon 27-May-13 00:15:34

That sounds so lovely ssd I'm sure your mum was there to give the team a helping hand ! Your family sound as fanatical about football as my dh and brothers gets on my nerves all they ever seem to talk about.

ssd Mon 27-May-13 19:27:29

yes they are football mad mummylin, drives me crazy!! x

t875 Mon 27-May-13 22:42:22

ahh lovely to read about the bird Ssd i believe too that it was your mum coming to visit you guys and to show her support!

ooh mummylin thats a shame about the robin, hope you can find another one that you are happy with.

Im doing not too bad but i just still say randomly and out loud sometimes that i miss her her loads, hate it, and just want her back and a big piece of me is missing but she is with me.

Went to the beach yesterday which was nice, nice to be able to get by the sea, arcades, and ice cream. Hubby has been off back to work tomorrow i have 2 more weeks left at my job. Ive got a wedding to go to Friday and i really cant be bothered then bro's birthday and then my youngest, its funny i thought possibly it might be a little easier this year but having my mum not be there at these things is still bloody hard for me!

Oh well catch you all soon, thinking of all of you xx

ssd Tue 28-May-13 18:07:35

t875, I remember one poster telling me that she managed to get through the first Xmas without her mum, but come the second Xmas she sobbed all day. I think because we've got over a year we think we should start to feel as if we're getting used to things, but I don't think it works like that, like you say you still feel your loss just as strong as the early days, although hopefully not as raw. Yes I do believe the little bird was my mum coming to see the boys. As we were driving away from Hampden dh said "its funny, this little bird was on the pitch right in front of us" and I immediately thought, its a robin and that's mum, then dh said "it was a little baby robin" and I felt a tingle, and ds2 said "and that's why we won"..they were all agreed it was gran in some way. Who knows how it all works, its beyond our knowledge just now. I'm glad you all had a day at the beach, the weather has been good hasn't it. And I hope get kept on your time at work, I think that job has been good for you. Sometimes being busy keeps our minds from thinking too much.

mummylin, have you found another robin yet? If you want I'd look out for one for you.

how is everyone else doing, beach, snowflakes, hatsy and everyone else? thinking of you all xxx

mummylin Tue 28-May-13 21:27:24

Hello everyone, I think what you are saying is right, I too am feeling it very hard the last couple of weeks. I have been going over everything all over again. I have no idea why this has happened. I have slipped back quite a bit for some reason, but of course to others including dh, I am fine. But inside my heart remains broken. It's so hard to cope with isn't it. No ssd I haven't had time to look for one yet but thanks for your kind offer. Xx

ssd Wed 29-May-13 08:19:38

no bother, keep it in mind

its funny the things that can upset you, isn't it. I posted on a thread y'day about how as your kids get older they need you less, I've been feeling that for a while. I posted that mum had died and I don't even have her now, and no one said oh I'm sorry! I know that sounds daft, why would they? but still it hurts when you write that and no one notices, feels like that's my life just now, I'm carrying this huge hurt around and no one notices. Sounds very self indulgent though doesn't it,. people just look out for themselves normally, I shouldn't take things so personally. I'm seeing cruse on July 18, havent told anyone about it, just going to go and see how it goes.

xx

joanna1990marie Wed 29-May-13 08:40:00

I lost my dad in June 2011 and it still dominates my life, he was killed in a road traffic accident, he was on his motorbike and some stupid old bastard in a hellish 4x4 pulled out in front of him from a junction, he would have survived if that was the only issue, but he ended up under the vehicle which was stationary at that point as the road wasn't clear, he hadn't even noticed the carnage he had caused already, and then the other side cleared and he drove out effectively crushing my dad. He did not die there but I never saw him.awake again because they put him in a coma due to his injuries, I sat by his hospital bed for 10 days, I knew it was serious as he was in his own special ICU room hooked up to allsorts of scary looking machines, doin his breathing and cleaning his blood, the last 2 days were the worst of my life, I'd never seen anyone look so dead even though he was still there, he had numerous heart attacks and had to have surgery right there in his bed because they couldn't move him, he survived that and I was so exhausted I went home for a shower and a sleep knowing there was nothing I could do either way, I spoke in his ear before I left and I think I knew he would die that night and I promised him I would love him forever and told him it's alright if he can't hang on and not too be scared about it because we are here and we love him, he died just a few hours later when he was alone, I was 20 at the time and he was 45, it then followed all the court cases and funeral and solicitors because he had a gf of 2 years who wouldn't let me and my sister have any photos of him, it's now nearly 2 years on and I developed PTSD, and a serious health anxiety, I struggle with day to day life and I just hate that this ever happened because ill never be the same happy person again, they say times a healer but it's just fucked me up even more, sorry for how long this post was. Just wanted to share.

mummylin Wed 29-May-13 09:26:23

Hello Joanna what a very sad story and what a terrible time you must of had. I am not surprised you have suffered so badly. Not only the actual loss of your dear dad, but the shock of the accident, followed by legal stuff. Not nice of the Gf not to let you have any photos. People are very cruel aren't they. I hope you are getting treatment for the PTSD. Glad you have decided to join us, it helps to be able to discuss things with like minded people.

mummylin Wed 29-May-13 09:30:20

ssd do you mention your mum every day ? I do , I find myself bringing her to so many of my conversations. But for some , it's as though she has never been. Well I talk about Her a lot and I always will.its not like its sad stuff, it's usually something mum did / said / laughed at with us and I will not let her memory die.

ssd Wed 29-May-13 09:36:14

am so very sorry joanna sad

awful story.

please post here if it helps xxx

hatsybatsy Wed 29-May-13 18:54:23

Joanna - what a story. completely understand why that would still be affecting you. my heart goes out to you.

so.... it's Mum's funeral tomorrow - exactly 2 weeks after she died. Feels like months years even since we saw her alive. Cannot really imagine how I am going to get through tomorrow. Have nice new dress and shoes ('Look fabulous' were some of her last instructions to me and my sister!)

have no real words - I just feel so empty. Most of the time I don't even cry. My family's world is much poorer for her loss.

mummylin Wed 29-May-13 19:16:52

Hatsy I hope everything goes ok tomorrow. You will surprise yourself I expect and cope better than you think. It's the following weeks that you will find it affects you.please let us help you through it. I am glad you are following your mums wishes to " look fabulous " lets hope it stays dry as well , rain somehow makes things even worse. Chin up , you will be ok , sad but ok.x

joanna1990marie Wed 29-May-13 19:48:57

I actually felt less sad on the day of my dad's funeral because you become so detatched from the situation because it is so surreal, I was more sad the day after because there was nothing left to do but grieve, try and get through the day as best you can, lean on all the shoulders that will be there for you and enjoy a sherry beforehand. X

t875 Wed 29-May-13 22:38:01

Hatsy - Will be thinking of you tomorrow it is a very hard day but i also know what we done poems her favorite flowers and who was there she would have loved that if she was looking down which im sure she was. It was kind of a celebration of her life although absolutely horrendous though on the other side. We will be there holding your hand xx

Ssd - Good luck for your apt let me know how you get on, will be thinking of you. I think this will def be good for you hun. xx

mummylin - I really know how you feel and I've been asking myself the same thing and have been surprised at how much im stepping back, its so painful and im actually to the point after a bad 2 weeks I seriously couldn't think about her as it killed me inside! And now i have the birthdays and my 40th coming up in August, last year i was ok well ok ishhh maybe its because may/june last year i was still numb i don't know..but my word i have felt like ive stepped back so i do know what you mean, i miss her loads and feel like im 15 and have been deserted i need my mum!! sad xx

joanna - so very sorry to hear of your loss, omg how absolutely tragic for you and shocking!! Please come here and rant/vent and talk to us, we are all here to help eachother and my word i have had that support from here. My thoughts are with you, surround yourself with people you feel comfortable with and take each minute, hour, day by day at a time. xx

Hi snowflake, biscuits, beach vlad, hope you are all going along ok the best you all can.
(((hugs)))) to you all and thanks

ssd Fri 31-May-13 16:09:40

hatsy, hope it went as well as it could? I found I got through that day, its the weeks and months afterwards that I found/find really hard, if you need support remember we'll always listen x

mummylin Fri 31-May-13 21:00:08

I would second exactly whatssd has posted. It's arrange how we get through the actual day, but the it seems to hit us.hopeit all went ok.

mummylin Mon 03-Jun-13 11:03:54

Hello everyone, hope you are all having the same weather we have. Well pleased to be Able to tell you that my brother has found a new little robin for mums grave, so one that went missing has been replaced. I have not been up the crem this weekend because I went last week, but my brother said he only had to throwa few flowers away and he took new ones anyway. When he and my sis inlaw went to a market in another town , they found these lovely vases. They are the ones that actually stick into the ground. So it's black , has a rosé up the side of it and says " mum" . When they go again they are going to get the sister one to match. They also put another little ornament to replace the one that I found broken , so all is well there again. Hope you are all continuing to make a bit of progress and coping ok.hatsy hope you are ok

ssd Mon 03-Jun-13 22:42:34

glad your db found another robin mummylin, that sounds lovely what they did

the weather is lovely here too, very unusual for Scotland!!

am not doing too bad, a bit thoughtful, but thats just me

this thread seems to be getting quieter, hopefully some of us are starting to heal a bit? I hope so, the hurt is too much to bear for ages, it has to start getting less some day

t875, how are you doing? Is the job still ok? hope your doing as well as you can xx

and hi to everyone else xxx

mummylin Wed 05-Jun-13 08:49:15

Is is getting better ssd or are we just pretending it is.? I still get that awful sinking in my stomach when I think of my mum and must go through everything in my mind relating to that awful day at least two or three times a week. I am still in some state of denial and still expect her to walk in through my door.
On the plus side, I have lots of her plants now in my garden and I'm happy to see that they are all growing really well, particularly her shrub which she always called her " snowball bush "
Mum loved it and I'm very pleased it has thrived as when we bought it from mums garden it really was the wrong time of year to move it. It now has lots of these little " snowballs " on it. I have no idea what it's called but I will always refer to it as " mums snowball tree "
So if she can see her plants I know she will be happy. Her archway covered by her birthday rose (name of rosé, ) is also thriving and has now covered nearly all of the archway which I
also took from her garden, there should be lots of roses from it this year. ( can you tell I didn't leave much behind ) and various pots of hers are also doing well. That gives me some amount of pleasure.
Have a nice day outin the sunshine and hello to everyone else.

ssd Wed 05-Jun-13 16:29:56

you know mummylin, I just don't know. I've been consciously trying to keep busy and keep from thinking about mum and the past, as it just feels too painful. I wondered if I was starting to get over it. But I think I'm just starting to adjust to life without her here...sometimes!! I still think I should go out to mums and I think about phoning her or her phoning me, when the phone rings. I think I'm getting better, but whats still left is an awful sense of my siblings so not being there for me, not even thinking I'd be upset. I woke early this morning and that's when I always think of them and I was crying. For some reason that song "DNA" by I think little mix was playing in my head, I took it to mean I cant change them its just the way they are. But God they have let me down big time and they don't even know, they never will, unless some day in the future when I'm more detached I'll tell them straight.

mummylin Wed 05-Jun-13 19:34:04

I think that some of us will always find it hard ssd all we can do is get by day by day. I am lucky that my siblings know how much I miss her, they all seem to be coping far better than I am , maybe because I saw her nearly every day.
On a brighter note I mentioned I had found some runner bean pods in one of my mums garden container. She always used to provide. Beans for me, anyway I have some soaking in water and I'm going to grow some from my mums bean pods ! Hopefully they will flourish !

tungthai Wed 05-Jun-13 19:56:17

Hi, I lost my Dad a month ago to cancer. The funeral has happened and I'm almost there with the paperwork.

I haven't quite accepted that he is gone and I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I'm completely convinced that I will see him again one day. If I live to an average life expectancy of 80 then I'll see him in 40 years and that doesn't sound so long. I also feel his presence all the time and I probably talk to him more now he is dead than when he was alive!

I'm worried that it will suddenly dawn on me that I have lost him and I will come crashing down like a ton of bricks. At the moment my faith which I haven't always had is really helping me cope and making me view life and the world in a positive light.

Is it normal to feel like this?

mummylin Wed 05-Jun-13 20:19:53

Hello tungthai sorry you have joined this thread. I think for everyone here it can be very different but I do think the more weeks that pass it does hit you quite hard. Grieving s a very individual thing and it really does affect everyone differently. But in saying that all of us get quite overwhelmed at times by our losses. And we all have in common the awful sadness. It is very early days for you and it's quite hard to accept its happened. We're you close to your dad ? If so you will probably hit a wall and be in utter denial that this awful thing could of happened.
Everyone says it does get better and in a way it does and we have to carry on without them, but it's so hard sometimes to cope with. That's why it's good to talk to like minded people. I don't know what I would of done without this thread and the people on it.
They have been invaluable to me.a lot of us found that people in rl think we should be ok in a few weeks, but. It dosent work like that. We have also found that people who we thought would be supportive aren't, in some cases even family members or our dh,s.
Hope this dosent sound too much gloom and doom, but it's how I see it. Please continue to post here if you want to have a rant or you are feeling down. We will do our best to help x

ssd Wed 05-Jun-13 21:40:25

agree there with mummylin

following on front my last post, and thinking about it more, I dont know if I'm much further forward, but I just seem to be internalising everything, because I dont have anyone to share this with. No one at all was half as upset as I was when mum died, and thats not me wallowing. I still think of it all and replay it in a loop in my mind, on and on. I'm going to see cruse on july 18, I dont know how I feel about that. I dont know if I need to talk about it or if I should just keep it in and hope it goes away of its own accord. It'll feel really weird talking about my mum, no one has hardly mentioned her since she died and no one has asked how I feel, not since the few weeks after she died, and its been 9 months now. I'm just used to keeping it all in, I dont know if cruse will help, I dont know what they'll say. I still cant believe my own siblings havent thought I might be upset these last 9 months, not once have they asked how I am, or how I got on clearing out mums flat alone, never asked what I did with her stuff, never asked a thing. Is that not weird? Do they really think I threw it all in a skip and walked away? I mean they are older than me, in their 50's, they arent 16 year olds, I find it so hard to think I've went through the most devastating thing to happen to me and they havent noticed or said a thing, not at all. I need to get over this, when I start thinking of this it gets under my skin again and upsets me, I'm best forgetting them and having no contact at all. Maybe cruse will be able to help me here, but how can they understand that siblings can be so detached from each other, so unfeeling? I dont know, I dont think theres any answer. Most people would say "just have it out with them" but we're not close enough for that, I have a long history of being patronised and treated like some sort of daughter by them, its really a weird set up my family, my siblings are a lot older than me and dont see me like a sister, I actually dont know what they see me as. mummylin, do you think I should just forget them? Thats my gut instinct, but i have no other extended family, thats it....(sorry for all this).

I'm sorry tungtie, I hope you've got good support round you. Do you still have your mum alive? I'm sorry for your loss, and everyone here of course

xx

Portofino Wed 05-Jun-13 21:45:24

Dd in the car tonight asked me what the worst thing that happened to me as a child was. I said "well to be honest, my mum dying" she moved quickly on to her broken arm. I felt mean for giving her the truthful answer..

ssd Wed 05-Jun-13 22:05:53

but its the truth porto, and its the first thing you think of at times like these

mummylin Wed 05-Jun-13 22:10:17

Mums are so special Aren't they. But I can understand your dd bring concerned about her arm, that prob is the most important to her, and quite rightly too smile but you were only giving her an honest answer !
ssd I don't know what e answer is for you, if you cant talk to them could you write it all in a letter or an email and send it to each of your siblings, then see by their response what you want to do next. It may be that they are competely
Oblivious to how bad you felt / feel. I can't think of anything else you can do.

GinGuzzler Wed 05-Jun-13 22:14:20

Just had to come on as I am feeling a bit down and just wanted to get it off my chest to someone.

I know it's been 8 1/2 years now but somedays I really just want a hug off my lovely mam. She died very unexpectedly aged 53 and was found by us after lying on her kitchen floor for 36 hrs with her dog sat by her side.

She rang me while I was getting ready for a nightshift saying she had a bad head, I told her to ring the out of hours GP and that I would phone her later that night before she went to bed. As I said goodbye and sorry to rush her off the phone, as I hung up she dropped down dead with brain heamorage. The guilt I feel about this cripples me some days.

I have months when I feel fine and can talk about her with very fond memories. Then everynow and then I just want to cry and tell her I love her. These down spells never last long and usually when I am alone but it seriously cuts me to the core. More so now as my little boy asks where my mammy is as he is aware of his friends having nana and grandas (my OH and me have no parents between us)

I just felt I needed to off load as I am having a bit of a crap time at the mo with work and my sheer hatered for the place.

Feel a but better for having a few tears and get how I felt out there and not swim round my head.

mummylin Wed 05-Jun-13 22:25:40

gin by what you have said you have nothing to feel guilty about. What do you think you could of done ? You said she died as the phone call ended. Please don't carry any guilt, it sounds like there would of been nothing you could do. I am sure you miss her immensely, especially as it was a sudden death, my mums death was sudden too and that in itself is a terrible shock, and I too will never get over that awful
feeling when it happened. You advised your mum what to do and said you would ring her later, which was lovely. You weren't to know what had happened and she was there with her dog.
She was very young to lose her life and I'm sure that some of what you feel is grief for the years you and your ds should be having with your mum now. I am sorry you are feeling sad. X

GinGuzzler Wed 05-Jun-13 22:43:05

Thanks Mummylin, normally cope well but seem to be down in the dumps lately. Other factors involved.

Just thought I would try telling someone instead of letting it fester. Do feel a bit better, just glad someone listened IYKWIM.

mummylin Wed 05-Jun-13 23:02:10

It's difficult isn't it. Sometimes it's just nice to be able to talk about how we feel and even to talk about our mums. I'm sure my family get fed up with me because I'm always bringing my mum into conversations, I can't seem to help it. Prob your job isn't helping you at ths time seeing as you hate it, any chance you could change it ? And if you are going through other things as well you must be going through a rotten time , which in turn isn't going to help you. Your mum will never be gone entirely. You are here and also your ds !

mummylin Sat 08-Jun-13 16:26:58

I am so upset over a silly little thing but I could cry. Dh decided to mend the garden lights but had to take up some paving slabs. He has used my mums trowel and broken it. I am angry, upset and annoyed that he dosent think, he just uses anything he comes across, regardless of wether its a suitable tool. If I cry I'm not gonna stop. Feel very agitated today now .

Portofino Sat 08-Jun-13 20:48:23

My mum died June 18th 1973. So nearly 40 years ago. Weeks ahead of her 22nd birthday. I struggle to get my head round this at all. I don't even remember her. I remember going to the hospital. She was at the royal Marsden for quite a while. My dad struggled to afford the train fare to visit.

SirChenjin Sat 08-Jun-13 21:46:24

Hello again everyone - I'm looking for a bit of guidance regarding Mum's ashes. She had always said that she wanted her ashes scattered on one of the Scottish islands she went to as a child, and then latterly where Mum, Dad, Dsis and I went on holiday as a family.

On the anniversary of her death in Feb, Dad went over to the island and scattered some of the ashes, and then last week we met up there again with Dsis and her family - it was a big event, they'd travelled some distance, and Dad gave us each some ashes to scatter. Dsis built a lovely little stone circle around a tree overlooking her favourite bay and scattered them within the circle, all decorated with flowers. It was beautiful. When Dad gave me my ashes, all I could think of was "I want to take her home" - so I did, stupidly. Now they are sitting upstairs in my wardrobe (albeit in my special momento box), in the dark, and I feel so frustrated with myself. She's gone, she's not coming back, and having some ashes in a glass jar isn't going to change that. I should have honoured her wishes, and now she isn't 'together' on the island, if that makes sense?

I need to go back there and scatter them, don't I? Otherwise, what do I do with them that's special? sad

mummylin Sat 08-Jun-13 22:12:38

sirchen I have both my grandparents ashes in my garden, they are surrounded by flowers and little memorial stone. Maybe you could do something like this. And in my front garden in memory of my mum I have a beautiful rosé which has the same name as my mum, but I don't have her ashes as they were interred. It's how you feel really. If you want to keep your mum close to you, then keep them for now until you decide. There is no time limit on these things. My brother inlaw kept his wife's ashes for 3 years until he was ready to let go of them.
portofino that is so sad that your mum died so young. My sister died at 26 and she left a little two year old as well. It's so unfair that young people don't have a decent chance at having a life thanks

mummylin Sat 08-Jun-13 22:16:16

portofino like you my niece has no memory of my sister at all, which is very sad. She actually is my sisters double. She would of been so proud to see how her dd has grown into such a lovely adult and now married as well. She only knows her by what we have all told her and the many photos we all have. My sister was also expecting her second baby, I would love to know if it was a little boy or girl.

t875 Sat 08-Jun-13 23:59:17

Oh sorry to hear about the trowel mummylin, i would feel the same as you, wish i could just fix it for you, ill send you a big hug though!!

Im sorry ive not been around, it has been absolutely manic I have been working loads and had so many birthdays and my dd is next week so been sorting out presents for her and parties etc.

My thoughts are with you all on the thread and sending big hugs to you all. xx

SirChenjin Sun 09-Jun-13 11:36:40

Thanks Mummylin - I think you're right, there's no real need to do anything with them right now. There will be plenty of occasions in the future to go back to the island, if that's what I decide.

I'm so sorry to hear about your trowel, I can imagine how difficult that was for you sad

mummylin Sun 09-Jun-13 20:34:17

It's crazy I got so upset over such a silly thing, but I was. I felt very hurt that he could treat something of my mums like that, maybe I am too touchy over her things, but it's one of my links to her.Didnt speak to him much after that for a few hours but ok today!
Yes just take our time , you will know when the time is right to do something with your mums ashes.i wish in a way that I had my mums, I would of put them in my garden too, especially as she loved sitting in it and watching the birds etc, but she left her instructions to have them put up the crem next to my younger sister. One day I will be with her and so will dh as we have the plot for the three of us.

SirChenjin Sun 09-Jun-13 20:37:14

It's not silly at all - it's a connection to your mum. DD had to take one of my mum's tupperware containers to school for some dish she was cooking in Home Ec. I warned her (I mean, really warned her) not to lose it and then spend the day fretting about it - poor DD!

That sounds nice - all being together one day smile

mummylin Sun 09-Jun-13 20:46:33

Not just yet I hope ! Originally it was for 3 burials , but for some reason mum changed her mind and wanted to be cremated. But she still wanted to go in our plot, because my sister is next door. Mum had to go down a long way to enable enough space between us all. They had to dig a whole coffin size hole even though her ashes were in a little casket. It was horrible and I could not look down. My dh purchased the plot when my sister died as in the cemetery it's done on a rota . Next person to die goes in next space unless its already purchased. So because I was so distraught when my sis died dh went and paid for the plot . I hated the thought of a stranger being next other.
I understand about the Tupperware box, it's the same as my trowel !!! Every little thing I have of mums is like. Treasure to me, even her potato peeler ( which I can't even use cause I prefer my little knife )

ssd Sun 09-Jun-13 21:35:40

oh I understand about the trowel! I've got so many of mums things here too...and I need to keep a packet of her favourite sweets and her drink in my fridge, its something to have to feel closer to her. My house is full of her things! I can understand your anger at dh, mummylin, why would he not know the significance for you sad. But men can be a different breed cant they! Although its not just men, my sister told me "nothing in mums flat means anything to me" when I asked her how we'd clear it out. She had/still has absolutely no idea how much every little thing meant to me, even mums newspaper and pen and notebook she wrote with. As long as I live I'll never forget that.

Sir, I agree with everyone here, keep your mums ashes until you decide what you want to do with them, you'll know when your ready.

hi to everyone else xx

mummylin Sun 09-Jun-13 22:16:32

Hi ssd you are the same as me in that I have kept all sorts of things. Little scraps of paper she had written on and things like that and I still have boxes of things I could not bear to throw away. And I never will. My brother was quite ruthless in things like that, but he loved mum so much , he is the baby boy of the family and just has to get n and do things , so he just threw lots out, but if he thought I would want it he would give it to me to put in one of my boxes !! I have about 12 big plastic crates of stuff !

ssd Sun 09-Jun-13 22:35:10

I'll never throw my stuff out either mummylin x

morethanpotatoprints Sun 09-Jun-13 22:47:26

Its almost 6 years since my mum died and over 5 that dad died.
I miss them both so much and know they would have been so proud of our dc.
I kept half of the belongings and my sister, the over half. I have a few things now, kept for sentimental value. Over the past few years it has helped me to sort through their things, find good homes or in some cases dispose of.
I'm not sure if others are the same, but I gained much comfort from this as it helped me to say goodbye.
I guess, if like me you find yourselves doing this then it is fine, understandable and you shouldn't feel bad.
Sending you all hugs at this difficult time, it does get easier with time. thanks

SirChenjin Sun 09-Jun-13 22:47:48

Mum was a smoker (a very light one, granted, 2/3 a day, but still, her cancer was linked to smoking sad) and when she came to stay she always went outside for a 'coffee', which involved standing down the side of the house, beside the wheelie bins, puffing away and drinking her coffee - her favourite time of the day. I can still see her there now whenever I'm out putting something in the bin. DH jokes that we should scatter her ashes there - I'm sure she would find it hilarious, but oh, I just couldn't! grin

mummylin Sun 09-Jun-13 23:02:13

I can see what your dh is saying but I realise he is only joking ! When my fil died dh didn't waste any tears on him and he said he would put string on his arms and legs like Bernie from the film and walk him off the pier ! You will find something suitable, but what you cold too remember her coffee and fag place is put a plant there. You could then look at that and think of your mum.
morethan it seems you lost both parents quite closely together, that must of been awful for you. I'm sure one day I will get round to sorting stuff but I bet i still end up with only two boxes less !!!!

SirChenjin Mon 10-Jun-13 11:17:37

Love the Bernie analogy! And yes, that's a great idea re the plant, thank you smile

mummylin Mon 10-Jun-13 14:00:54

Yes it did sound funny when dh said it ! Would have to of plated some music I think to help him move ! He was not a nice person I'm afraid.

ssd Wed 12-Jun-13 08:24:48

hi girls

I cant wait for my appt with cruse, it cant come soon enough.I really need to discuss this with someone who just gets it and doesn't say daft stuff. I don't want to sound mean but I spoke to someone at the weekend, she is older than me but still has her mum, who is fit and healthy and helps her out every day. I was trying to explain how I feel and she was saying "you must get over this and stop living in the past", and other things which just made me feel more alone. I know she just hadn't got a clue what its like. She kept saying "at least you have siblings that'll always be there for you" and I was like yeahhhh. Its so frustrating to not know anyone here who's in the same boat of losing both your mum and dad, I've found its a totally different experience losing the second parent as there's just no one there now, its all gone. This girl was trying to help me but she was speaking from the experience of never having gone through what I have.

I dont know if my first interview with cruse is to establish what help they can give me, they said its a triage system, and they will decide what sort of help I need. I find that a bit daunting, I only want to speak to someone, not be interviewed. I might phone their generic phone line t875 told me about, I just need to chat to some one who doesnt say "oh but your mum was old she had a good life she wouldnt want you to be sad". God I hope they dont say that.

StinkyElfCheese Wed 12-Jun-13 11:37:09

Hello all - me again sad

I have posted before about my dad steaming full throttle into a new relationship after mum died (last may) his partner moved in moved in December and being shocked how much he has changed. She has convinced him to break ties with all mums family and friends

I think know he has chosen her over us (me sis and brother) he has just gone on holiday with her and has changed all the locks to his home. this is slightly me complicate as our brother has server ld and is in residential care he comes home every other weekend he was due home last weekend but as dad was going away sis had him brother wanted something from home but when we popped in to collect it we found all the locks changed - this upset him hugely and we had to take him back to his care home upset dad hadn't even told him he was going away but made up elaberet lies about why he couldn't have him home.

Dad has had his phone swiched off for the last few days and has left a message for me saying he dosnt think sis is talking to him... blah blah he is the victim blah blah oh and the keys snapped off in the lock so they had to change them.

I have made an appointment to go to his house at the weekend when they are home to collect all the kids toys from his garden and our bits and pieces from the shed - after that I don't think I can go there anymore - she has redecorated or planning to do the entire house to eradicate all memory of my mum - including my brothers room that was the last straw for me ... his room dosnt need doing he stays 2 nights a month and HATES any form of change... its bad enough he has to stay there with this woman. but she is trying to turn my brothers bedroom into another 'spare room'

I know he is an adult and has made his own choices - and I hate him for what he has said to mums old friends (were his friends too) he is just not my daddy anymore , he is just this parrinoid man who phones o complain about my sister/brothers behaviour has no real interest in me and my family
- I am just so heartbroken

mummylin Wed 12-Jun-13 14:43:56

Hi ssd I too hope they don't day that's its ok because mum was old ! It makes no difference at all to the grief that we feel.when is your apt ? Give it a go and if you don't like it you don't have to go again.
stinkyelf I quite understand your upset. You feel like you have lost your dad as well as your mum too.
Does this woman have any family of her own ?
How horrible for your brother to have his room changed, when it as he knows and likes it.
Think maybe a frank discussion may be the way forward here ( without woman ) . Could you and your sister arrange to face your dad together and tell him of your worries, but also tell him how upset you are about certain things. Let dad know that things are not ok. Best get it out in the open or things tend to fester and get worse.
At least even if things don't improve you will of tried.

likesnowflakesinanocean Thu 13-Jun-13 21:07:08

sorry I've not been back, been finding things hard. how are you all? x

mummylin Thu 13-Jun-13 21:14:12

Sorry you have been struggling snowflakes, it all comes back and bites you on the bum dosent it. All we can do is just take things day by day. We have just had a friend round whose mum died a year ago this month, he was so matter of fact about it and just says "well she was old " I don't feel like that at all. You would think particularly for me I would be better than I am now it's 18 months on. But I'm not. I just can't see how I can ever be "normal" again. The longer it is the more I think that it's longer since I've seen her and miss her as much as I did in the beginning.
It's not so long for you and it's to be expected.
Death is awful isn't it. We all accept birth but not death even though its the natural progression of mankind.
It bloody hurts and I wish it would go away for all of us who are grieving. Xx

likesnowflakesinanocean Thu 13-Jun-13 21:28:23

am so sick of people oh she out of pain now. she may well be and god I hope theres something I really do but she was 45 sad. selfish as I may be I wasn't ready for her to go and I'm damn sure she wasn't either. it does suck your right nobody understands how totally alone you feel sometimes x

mummylin Fri 14-Jun-13 00:03:35

That is such a young age to die. It seems so unfair when evil bastards are still walking this earth. I can understand your anger . Your not being selfish at all. It's heartbreaking for you and I'm sure your mum s a terrible loss to you. You are right, your mum still ad such a lot of years she should of lived thanks

likesnowflakesinanocean Fri 14-Jun-13 07:13:04

thanks mummylin you always know just the right thing to say. how are you today?

mummylin Fri 14-Jun-13 08:35:51

I am ok but I think today is going to have its own problems. Nothing to do with me or my family but seem to be in the middle of my friends who are having a marital dispute. Difficult position as I am friends with both and I have one telling me stuff in one ear and the other in the other ear. The wife s demanding I tell her what her dh has said, but I promised I would not repeat anything he said and I won't break my word on that. He has walked out. It's a long complicated story. Don't want to be involved but they have made it so.i have told her this. Oh god there is always something. But this really isn't my problem. I will just say this. She does not know how lucky she is to have such a decent dh. He adores her. It's all very complicated. Will send you a pm because I don't want to say on here.

likesnowflakesinanocean Fri 14-Jun-13 09:19:57

okay smile. that's grim I had friends who did the same one in my house crying one in the car outside the same and me running between the two like a jackass! u just want to help but sometimes its hard to be both sides x

ssd Fri 14-Jun-13 09:57:41

hi girls, its such a relief to come on here and know you aren't going mad! Once a friend of mine just said "I dread my mum dying, it must be absolutely awful". I just said "yes, it is". That's just what I needed to hear, someone being honest and not all the "you need to get over this, you have a lovely family, your mum had a good life, its time for you to move on".I know people just want to help but that kind of talk makes me close in on myself and feel lonelier. So to come on here and read about it all honestly is such a relief. Thanks!! xx

mummylin Fri 14-Jun-13 10:35:45

I think to lose your mum is the worst possible thing ( except your child ) that can happen. They are always there for everything, to have fun, laugh comfort, advice, everything, then they are gone and we are lost and our lives have changed forever. It's bloody shit basically, I think you will all agree on that xx

ssd Fri 14-Jun-13 10:58:53

wise words, mummylin xxx

t875 Fri 14-Jun-13 15:46:42

you couldnt have put that into words better mummylin.

People ask me how i am and i just say im happy with all aspects of my life but i hate my mum not here, i miss her loads and its shit! The void and empty space in my life where my mum was will take a long time..
i wish she was back, ive read a lot about spiritual stuff before my mum went and after, and yes last year i believe I got a lot of messages but thsi year it really has calmed down and im missing her like crazy at times.

the firsts last year were very hard but for me, having to get through my dads, bros and my dd's without her here is just shit, and actually harder than last year, although not as horrendously tear full as last year.

Ssd - I think CRUSE will help you in the fact of they dont pull you apart to delve into every emotion, i just let out all the talking, for me it was the shock and one minute her there and then gone i felt sick ..still cant believe it i was also scared for her and if she was ok..in my belief i believe she is.

They will help you to move on albeit slowly with your mum and dad tucked in your heart but i also was helped with the fact of sometimes in grief people act in very strange ways and you can actually lose complete contact, we all know this has happened at some stage with us.
if you go and you think this isn't for me then you have the choice whether to go back but personally it really helped me, and my lady phones me from time to time just to see how im going. She helped me to become more selfish and learn that you guys know who wasn't going to change and it wasn't worth me thinking he was going too and i had to cut the string!
but i also know this isn't easy myself

Hi to everyone else, you are all in my thoughts!! Things are calmer here now so hope to be able to be a bit more active.

xx

mummylin Fri 14-Jun-13 16:26:24

Do you know , my used to be always saying " one day when I'm not here " and I would stop her and tell her not to say it, I coulnt bear to even think about it, that in itself was bad enough, the reality is far worse than I could ever have imagined and yes , the shock for us too was horrendous, unlike some of the mums, mine wasnt even ill till 24 hrs beforehand, and they had said she would e able to come home on Thursday. So when she actually died. It was just terrible, I worry that she was scared or in any pain or upset, this haunts me,and always will I think, Mum I miss and love you xxx

t875 Fri 14-Jun-13 17:04:59

i fully believe they are ok mummylin i really do, i believe also they are with their past relatives and go with them but this is my belief.
My mum wasnt ill barring a cough! Although everything ive learnt now coughing too much can muck up the rhythm of your heart beat so it might have contributed, but i literally spoke to her 10 o clock that night then she went to bed and between 3-5 am she had a massive stroke.

my god i miss her but we trudge on eh xx

mummylin Fri 14-Jun-13 17:15:09

t875 very similar situations for both of us, I had phoned at 9 am Sunday morning to find out how she was. They said she was fine, I rang round the family to tell them, an hour later she had died because the sac round her heart had ruptured. Oh god it was so awful. I think the shock has made it so hard to move on. It's weird cause my legs refused to move and dh had to drag me virtually off the footi pitch where we watching our grandson playing footi xx

t875 Fri 14-Jun-13 18:26:16

Yeah soo hard for us but pain free for them, but i still find that hard to swallow when people say that to me.."oh she went peacefully then"..yes but i didn't get a chance to say good bye, im definitely going down the psychic route ill let you all know what is said, i need that connection to my mum just hope she comes through!

I wish to god that id left where I was working as they were so mean and nasty!! Sooo crap and just want her back!! x

ssd Fri 14-Jun-13 23:04:52

I think my mum went peacefully too, she had her carer in at lunchtime then she died peacefully on the couch in the afternoon, when I seen her on her couch dead she had her hands still clasped on her knees, it was like she just keeled over whilst sitting.
I believe she is at peace and is with my dad and other people she loved. I'm sure she's fine and happy and content...but then she always was, she had a great nature, I wish I had it, I'm a worrier!

mummylin Sat 15-Jun-13 00:17:16

All of our usual personalities have been hidden for a while, when we move on a little bit, more of us will being to Re-emerge , I'm sure of it. And ssd I am sure you have a lovely nature but for now other things have taken over. None of us can run until we learn to walk !

madasa Sat 15-Jun-13 07:21:27

Hi can I join you?
I lost my dad 20 months ago. I cope now better than in the beginning but it's still so bloody painful at times.
Last night I could hardly catch my breath thinking that I am never going to see him again.
Just want to pop round and have a cuppa with him sad

mummylin Sat 15-Jun-13 11:06:02

Hello madasa sorry that yet another person has joined us. I have just worked it out and realise it is 20 months also since I lost my mum, for some reason I kept saying its 18 months but its not. That means it even longer since I have seen her, my mum died on 31 st oct 2011. I guess like the rest of us you still find it so hard to take it in that your dad has gone. Have you had lots of RL support or did that seem to go after a couple of weeks as it did for some of us.
We have all said on here , how until someone has gone through this very sad time , they don't realise how devastating it is.
We have had all the various emotions on here, sadness, disbelief, anger at those who should of been more supportive etc. trying to work out why it happened.
Please feel free to post with us and yes it's ok if you want a rant too.

StupidMistakes Sat 15-Jun-13 16:56:42

A month ago to the day my mum lost her battle with cancer. She took her last breath less than four weeks after being diagnosed. On Monday I said my final goodbye to her and she was played out to titanic, the song that had always reminded her of me. I placed a letter upon the coffin and a picture. I never dreamt the day would come so fast. At 24, I am alone in the world, no parents and the questions I have will remain forever unanswered. I miss her more than words can ever say. I can barely believe I will never see you again and you will never get to see my life get on track. I am sorry mum I never told you often enough how much I loved you or how grateful I am for all you did for me. I am everything i am because of you

madasa Sat 15-Jun-13 17:37:21

Hi mummylin
I remember posting with you when you had just lost your mum and I had lost my dad. My dad died on 28th Oct 2011.

My DP is very supportive so I know am lucky that way.
As for other people...well one night I called my sister as I felt so low. I said I missed dad, and she just said 'well we all miss him' in an exasperated tone so I don't bother her at all if I feel low.

I just miss him and am shocked at how it still hurts sometimes so badly physically.

I want to show him our garden that I have made beautiful as he always laughed at my lack of green fingers (he was a gardener)

I want him to see his granddaughter graduate next year.

I want to take him for a ride in the old moggie minor I have just bought.

I want so many things .......

madasa Sat 15-Jun-13 17:39:14

stupidmistakes I'm so sorry you have lost your mum.
I bet your mum knew how much you loved her.
Take care x

mummylin Sat 15-Jun-13 19:04:31

stupid mistake I am so sorry for your loss. It's a real physical pain isn't it. D you have a special place where she has been laid to rest. You could go there and talk to her and tell what you didn't get the chance to say when she was alive.i am sure your mum knew now much you loved her , by the things you did get to do when she was here. You don't always have to say the words. We are not a family for being lovey dovey, but my mum knew we all loved her, she didn't need telling. Do you have no siblings or anyone else close ? Please don't feel alone. There is normally one of us around, and trust me we do know what you Are going through.
Oh * madasa* we are both at the same stage and feeling the same. I do have good days, but then I have bad days too and it suddenly hits me all over again. I hate the fact that each day that passes takes me further away from her and its longer since I last saw her. I can still remember how soft her skin felt, and the last look as I left her hospital ward the evening before. It's so bloody painful still. My siblings seemed to of coped better than I have and don get these sad spells now. My sister does but she has twin babies and this has helped her because she dosent have time to think about it. They were born after mum died. But the. Isn't before she died my sis put mums hand on her belly and mum felt a kick . So that is something. Th e sadness sometimes is overwhelming and I want to cry, but then I would get dh asking " what's the matter " and I know I would snap at him because of course I think he should know when I'm feeling so sad. Irrational maybe, but that's how I feel. When will learn to cope with it, that answer I don't know I wish I did for my own peace of mind.

mummylin Sat 15-Jun-13 19:06:16

The night before mum died not isn't !!! iPad makes up words !!

t875 Sat 15-Jun-13 23:26:14

madasa - It really is very hard isn't it, the void of my mum not here absolutely blows my mind and i hate it, i hate im going to have my 40th August and she isn't going to be here, what i would give to hear her voice, to hug her i hate it, some days are definitely harder than others.
I bet your dad can see your garden and your car im a great believer they never leave us, i feel my mum around when she visits. xx

stupidmistake - My god i feel for you so much, i couldn't imagine going through what i am at the age of 24. sad please come here anytime, we are here for you. Also please call CRUSE they will be able to help you, i had 4 sessions and it really helped me a lot!!
also CRUSE has a generic line you can call and just talk to someone.
but we are here for you for you to rant at or have a cry or just want to talk.

Hello to everyone else, biscuits hope your ok xx
mummylin, ssd, snowflake, galaxy, and anyone else ive missed! xx

t875 Sun 16-Jun-13 09:47:03

Thinking of you all today on fathers day lots of love to you all and ((((hugs)))) It is very tough i remember from mothers day. xxx

madasa Sun 16-Jun-13 11:13:33

Oh mummylin I know exactly what you mean about it hitting you all over again. I sometimes wonder if I will ever come to terms with it. I wish I could send you some 'peace of mind'.

I do cry and my DP does ask what the matter is...I just say 'I miss my dad' and then it's kind of ok to let it all out. Would your dh understand if you just said that you miss your mum? I have had to teach mine that he doesn't have to fix anything, indeed he can't. I just need a cuddle....to have to pretend I am ok when I am not would be such a burden.

I do cry a fair bit when I'm on my own too.

t875 thank you for your kind words. I hope he can see me. At the moment I just feel there can't be anything afterwards because if there was he would let me feel him around. He wouldn't leave me like this.

I'm sorry for the loss of your dear mum...you are right...it is mind blowing.

I second what you said about Cruse. I had 6 sessions and it really did help.

Love to everyone on father's day and hope we all get through it the best we can xx

BiscuitsandBaileys Mon 17-Jun-13 10:34:35

Hi all.
Sorry I've not been around for a while. Hope everyone is doing ok.

Yesterday was my first fathers day without my lovely dad. I put on a brave face while dd's gave dh their presents and cards but then I struggled to get out of bed. I would have happily stayed there. We took some flowers to the crem and then went to a country park for a walk and a play and then found a lovely tea shop, it ended up being a nice day but I had a heavy heart all day sad

I'm so fed up of putting on this brave face all the time, I don't know why I don't just let myself think about things and have a good cry, but it's like something stops me. We have now sorted out all of mum and dads clothes ready for the charity shop to collect, even then I was so detached from what I was doing. I choose several things of theirs to keep.

ssd did you phone cruse yet? Your appointment is still weeks away, maybe talking to someone in between might be good for you. I really feel for you xx

My race for life is 3 weeks away now and I feel quite proud of myself. I can run! I've been going out running with dh, it's nice to have something to focus on. My ever helpful mil said to me "you do know that you don't have to run it?" I was like yes I do know but I want to! I want to feel like I've achieved something, going from not being able to run for a bus to running 6 miles!

Hugs to all who need them xx

ssd Mon 17-Jun-13 11:35:58

biscuits, your running sounds like its really focused you, well done on that. I think we all know about the brave face, it feels like it's permanently glued on, doesn't itsad. I haven't phoned cruse, I'll wait for my appointment, I think. I've been having another period of mental adjustment this week. I was keeping some of mums things for my siblings, but I realised they don't want them, don't ask about them and have no interest in anything mum left, so I threw them out, some of it was over 50 years old, my mum has kept it that long, but they have no interest in it. Don't want to go into specifics but some heart rending stuff in there. It went into my kitchen bin. I couldn't keep it, knowing it means nothing to them is too much and I cant keep it for my/mums sake, I just cant keep it, it hurts too much. I've been realising mum didn't mean much to them, she did when she was younger and able to be involved in their lives but when she became old and needy they moved on from her. I seen a programme in the news this morning about elderly people in care homes being mistreated and one woman said she had to become her mums voice, that's what I became, my mums voice and thank god as my sibling wasn't interested. Makes you shudder doesn't it. I have a fear of my kids forgetting me when I become old and difficult, as its so much easier to turn a blind eye rather than get involved. But I'm not bringing them up to be selfish and self centred, so hopefully that wont happen to me.

stupidmistakes, you are so young to be dealing with all this, I'm so sorry sad. Keep posting here when you need to.

elf, wow, that's hard to take, your dad behaving like this, must be very very hurtful for you sad

and madasa and mummylin, t875 and everyone else, hugs from me xx

ssd Mon 17-Jun-13 11:41:37

sorry..hi to you snowflakes too xx

likesnowflakesinanocean Mon 17-Jun-13 11:46:26

pissed off today, fathers day was so hard for our grandad without mumand mum always made an effort to make a fuss of him. not one of his other adult children even bothered to get him a card. was so sad for him. angry

likesnowflakesinanocean Mon 17-Jun-13 11:52:05

sorry sound like a self absorbed twat. thinking of you all. and available to chat to anyone who needs

madasa Mon 17-Jun-13 20:07:45

not self absorbed at all likesnowflakesinanocean

here is a safe place to rant and I don't blame you

mummylin Mon 17-Jun-13 21:01:15

Hello everyone.snowflakes you Are allowed to be pissed off here ! Sometimes everything catches up on you dosent it, especially when it's a special day. These days can be bloody awful and make you feel like shit. I think we all get days like that. We shouldn't have to hide it either, if we want a rant or a cry we should be able to do it. And sometimes things in RL are not always goin so smoothly are they ? which dosent help. One day we will look back and wonder how we got through everything, but we will, you wait and see. Xx

ssd Mon 17-Jun-13 22:18:00

snowflakes, thats so hard. Lack of support from "close" family is something I know only too well, and it really hurts. Why cant people think of others, it isnt too hard, but its a step too far for some folk. Am angry on your behalf.
and rant away here, we get it only too well xxx

mummylin Mon 17-Jun-13 23:49:12

I suppose some people don't know how to show empathy towards others because they are so wrapped up I'm themselves. It will bite them on the bum one day. You sow what you reap !!

mummylin Mon 17-Jun-13 23:49:59

Back to front ! You reap what you sow smile

ssd Tue 18-Jun-13 18:18:45

I'm counting on that happening to someone I know mummylin, but I don't know...some folk seem to get away with everything

mummylin Tue 18-Jun-13 20:19:15

No they won'tssd it may take a long time but it will happen.
On a brighter note, My sister is down here again with her twins. My god they have some strong lungs !!!! She will be here at least till the weekend. She cannot wait to move back here. She has been very homesick and misses us all. More so now mum isn't here. She made me walk miles to my brothers house, then we had to walk back again . I am knackered !! They are 16 months old now and quite a handful. Very cute though and very different personalities. We don't really know them very well yet because they are away from us, but when she comes back here it will be much better. And this morning I went with another brother to two garden centres, it was weird, we were on the way when I got text from sis to say she was here. Wandering around gardens I saw a beautiful fuchsia. With loads of buds. Decided I had to have it. Picked it up and the plant had same name as my sister !!! It was fate.
So all in all haven't had time to think too much today. Although it was the first time my brother and I had been to this particular centre without our mum. It's not a local one. We both thought of her then. Hope you are all ok and that you had a nice bit of sun today x

ssd Wed 19-Jun-13 08:54:23

your sister sounds nice mummylin, in fact your whole family does smile, you deserve them.

madasa Wed 19-Jun-13 13:09:59

16 month old cute twins.....sounds lovely mummylin.

My kind of children as well...the ones you can hand back grin

mummylin Wed 19-Jun-13 22:18:42

My sister has returned home after falling out with her adult daughter so that was a very brief visit. Am so glad I saw her before that happened, was really looking forward to spending some time with her sad

t875 Wed 19-Jun-13 23:32:26

snowflakes - rant away, we all have been through these elements of people being selfish. I don't think i will ever forget who hasnt been there for me, really been hard when i have always been there for everyone, but hey i will never be there for them in the same way.

mummylin - sorry your visit was cut short, but glad you got to see them, and hope things work out so you can get them up with you.

madasa - Been thinking of you and were here for you to support you

ssd - Hope things are going along ok there hun

Biscuits and anyone else i have missed thinking of you all

Ive really found it hard lately especially having to think about my 40th birthday celebrations without my mum and I miss her loads, she would be really involved and i hate it so much without her.

i have a few days work this week hoping next too, feel like its all tipped upside down at the moment, worried about me not having ongoing work sad

oh well, speak soon guys.
hugs to anyone who needs it xx

ssd Thu 20-Jun-13 22:48:21

thanks t875, hugs to you too..hope the job situation changes for the better soon, its a real worry isn't it..and I'm so sorry you're having to plan your 40th without your mum there, that obviously will be very hard for you, wish we could all throw a party for you, wouldn't that be great!

mummylin, what a shame, hope you get another visit soon, for a bit longer

am thinking of you all xxx

chickydoo Thu 20-Jun-13 23:23:35

Hello to you all
May I Join you?
My Mum died yesterday.
I was with her, held her, loved her.
I can't cry.
I know I want to...nothing ....no tears.
Everyone else is distraught, but I'm just carrying on.
Why can't I cry?
Mum was ill for 2 years, we knew the outcome was going to be death, but It's weird isn't it to show no emotion.
I saw her several times a week while she was ill. We laughed & chatted, although she didn't really understand what I was saying due to vascular dementia.
I feel so weird, everyone is sobbing, and I'm on mumsnet....what is wrong with me???

mummylin Thu 20-Jun-13 23:53:06

chickydoo grief is different for everyone of us. Maybe you have already done some of that whilst your mum has been ill ? It's possible that you're in a state of Denial, just can't accept it has happened. That happens even months later to some of s on here. There is no set way that you react and I'm sure you will deal with it in your own way and time. I am sorry for your loss,please know that we are always here for you and understand as we have all been there.
t875 I am sorry you feel so sad about not having your mum here to help you plan your party, of course it is a special time for you and the person you most wish ( and should be ) will be missing. It is another important date isn't it.hope the worries about work come to nothing.
ssd yes I am very lucky with my siblings, we tend to mostly all get on very well, not saying hat no-one ever falls out though! But I try not to, as we know life is too short and after losing our sister I don't ever intend to fall out with any of them,
biscuits sorry you found Father's Day difficult. I understand how easy it would be just to get under the duvet and sleep the day away. When ever do things really get better ? That's what I would like to know.
To everyone else, hope you are all muddling through as best you can and having a few more better days x

chickydoo Fri 21-Jun-13 00:08:08

Thank you Mummylin
You sound lovely
Am going to try & get some sleep am so tired

ssd Fri 21-Jun-13 14:17:36

am so sorry chickydoo..but what mummylin said is spot on (as usual smile)

t875 Fri 21-Jun-13 16:06:12

oh Chickydoo Im so sorry and its absolutely devastating im so sorry for your loss.

we are here for you to rant or just talk too, its such a numbing time theres still times now after 1 year where its very hard, and its big waves where i miss her loads, still go through this, there are days where i can laugh about her, i talk to her a lot and i still have special things i put on her shelf.
take each minute, hour, slowly and surround yourself with people you feel comfortable with and do what you want to do.
big hugs to you xx

mummylin Fri 21-Jun-13 17:07:54

I have given birth to a runner bean smile from one of my mums bean pods I found in a bucket I am so pleased, I hope I get some more, ! I think I planted them too deep so have taken longer than expected, mum would be so pleased that I have used some of them. And one other little thing, I bought a little robin solar light and put it in one of my tubs, I picked it up yesterday and it just fell apart, but I ended up with the little robin in my hand ! The solar bit is defunct.
Hope you are all ok today and enjoying a bit of sunshine. X

t875 Fri 21-Jun-13 17:48:17

ahh thats great mummylin!! I bet you were pleased maybe your mum gave beanie a little extra help eh as she knows how much it will mean to you and her smile Ive been in the garden pruning my rose bush ive had wild rose has gone mad this year, it meant a lot to me last year when the petals that come off it were a white heart shape, and when she passed last year i had all these white love heart petals all over my decking which meant a lot to me. I found a white feather in the rose bush too which was lovely.

enjoying the sunshine hope everyone is going along ok best they can x

chickydoo Fri 21-Jun-13 20:20:21

Thank you so much for your kind words.
Today has been so hard, undertakers etc.
Lots of friction in the family, but I guess that we are all in a bit of shock still.
I think I feel numb, I keep forgetting things. I wish I didn't have to do the normal everyday stuff, like cook & shop etc. I just want to sit & think. Maybe if I just was still for 5 mins then I would give in & cry.
I have 4 kids, my own business & I have to take care of them, & now the funeral too.
Mum was always so calm & steady, I need some of her wisdom right now.
She would sort this out in no time.

mummylin Fri 21-Jun-13 21:26:00

Oh my god chickydoo what a lot you have on your plate at the moment. You are not able to grieve at the moment because you have so much else to do and cope with. You def need some time to yourself. You are not Wonder Woman, you are a human being and at the moment need time to digest everything. Arranging a funeral is very stressful , and whilst you Are dealing with it, inside you are crying , but outside you put on an act . This is for the benefits of others. None of us likes to appear vulnerable in front of others. But we are and when you have the loss of someone so important in our lives, we go around like robots. Arranging everything, dealing with others who also may be upset and in your case your children and a business ! You need some time just for you. Sometimes even things like a death does cause friction of some kind and lots of families do see some of this. You may find amongst your friends that some of them will expect you to be suddenly okay after a couple of weeks. And people can say the most hurtful things whilst not thinking about what you have just been through. We all have experiences of these different scenarios on here. We will help you through it as best we can .

mummylin Fri 21-Jun-13 21:28:08

You will find strengths you didn't know you had to get you through this, you must have some of your mums genes and if she would of dealt with it, so will you. That is one of her gifts to you x

chickydoo Sat 22-Jun-13 07:24:25

Mummylin you are so right, thank you
Mum was so quietly strong through her whole life, maybe I have a bit of that too.
I can't wait for the funeral to be over, then maybe I can just sit, and think and Be.
Oh how I wish I could hear mums voice again, I miss her.

mummylin Sat 22-Jun-13 12:29:37

You will see and hear your mum everywhere, you will see her in yourself and in your children.. Our mums are never gone completely because we live on and carry on her genes. For myself I write exactly like my mum and the family used to get confused as our handwriting is so similar. I have some of her ways and I'm sure you will have those too, and maybe you will glance at one of your children and just for a second see that they have a certain look that your mum used to have. They say that we grow into our mums and I think in some ways that is right. My own dd found that she would say things to her dd,s that I would of said to her, and which she vowed she would never say to her own children. She has !!! Keep your chin up chickydoo, hard weeks ahead but you are not alone x

t875 Sat 22-Jun-13 13:01:13

Again agree with mummylin. I have noticed I am a lot like my mum in thinks I say like "babes" a lot to my girls and the things I do my organisation/ my positivity and ability to get on with people, creative, hoarding lol and what is funny I had hardly any ornaments and she loved her ornaments well after I sorted out with my dad her stuff my shelves in front room have cats/ and angels birds I bet she's loving seeing them and surprised I've got them there smile
I see a lot of me and my mum in my girls.

I've also tried to keep up things she would do! Like taking pictures of the table for parties.

We're here for you chicly doo we all know how hard it is try and get as much help and support as you can. Emotions are very upside down you see people for some one else I lost my mum last year but I partly lost family members and a few friends but I'm not fussed about losing them one bit I will never be there for them. X

mummylin Sat 22-Jun-13 18:37:23

Hit875 I think we are all our mothers daughters, probably in more ways than we realise. But like everyone else I miss my mum so much, it seems so long since I have physically seen her and I find that upsetting. I still cannot get my head to accept that one minute someone is here, then the next gone forever. My heart will be forever broken. I don't know about anyone else but I don't seem to have the same enthusiasm for life anymore, I don't know if it will come back. I do the normal mundane things we all do, but nothing seems the same. No mum to call, no mum popping in every five minutes for a cuppa, no mum to start my crochet off or make me one of her special fruit cakes, she was such a huge part of my life. My brothers have been so good to me, they know I have felt it the most, thank god for my siblings. I have been luckier than a lot and people have been very kind ( apart from miserable neighbour who I will not speak to now ) but I just feel so sad a lot of the time.

likesnowflakesinanocean Sat 22-Jun-13 19:03:12

hey all how are you, having a weird day . local town event so went and had a walk around the church mums funeral was in was surreal the last place her body had been. feel all melancholic tonight

mummylin Sat 22-Jun-13 19:11:56

Hi snowflakes things that remind us occur all the time don't they, sometimes it's a happy memory, other times it can fill us with sadness. I went to a garden centre with my brother this week, the last time we went to this particular one our mum was with us. Of course that then. Makes you think all over again. What I am dreading is actually having to go to a funeral at the same place we had mums. It's the crem for our town and there is such a lot there it's bound to happen. I have been to other funerals since mums but in a different place. I don't know if anyone else has had to face this yet. I will worry about it when it occurs, but I do think about it. Hope tomorrow will be better for you x

ssd Sat 22-Jun-13 19:15:48

yes I feel sad an awful lot of the time..my mums death showed me how she was the only one left in our family I was close to and really loved, my siblings are so very distant to me, I feel I've lost so much more than my mum

mummylin Sat 22-Jun-13 21:18:38

ssd it does seem like you have borne the brunt of it all and everyone else has gone back to their own families with no thought to you at all. Did you use to be close to your siblings before you lost your parents ? It's so sad for you. Life is so precious and we don't always have the gift of time. That's one reason I will now never fall out with my remaining siblings. We lost our sister, who was actually the youngest of us ( we were 6 ) and I vowed then I would never fall out again because you never know when we will lose another of us. It was awful and I think we all grew a lot closer then.but god forbids anything happening to you or your siblings and you were all apart from each other. It would be awful. Have you actually told them how you feel, maybe they are so wrapped up in their own lives that they just think you are ok , the same as they themselves seem to be, when you are clearly not. I know you feel very hurt which has probably made your grief so hard to bear because you feel so alone. But your not alone. We are here with youthanks xx

t875 Sat 22-Jun-13 23:19:43

Yes mummylin my god I feel obliterated when I think if the void if my mum not here and I absolutely hate it. I hate her not here and miss her like mad. Tbh I have to have the enthusiasm otherwise I'm soo down and I seriously have her I know kicking me up the arse but some days I feel like I'm going through a turbulent river in a canoe!

Some days aren't too bad but some days it kills me inside when I think of the void of her not here it is shit some days. I know for sure I am right on the edge of having a bloody good cry!!

[ thanks ] to us all struggling at the moment. We're all together for eachother xxx

t875 Sat 22-Jun-13 23:20:47

Sorry the thanks should have been flowers!!! Blooming phone!!

Excuse the typos too!! Xxx

t875 Sat 22-Jun-13 23:26:40

I really can't imagine what you are going through ssd it's been horrendous losing my mum but for you must be soo very hard. Sending you huge hugs Hun.
Hugs to us all.

I know so not easy and I think cruse will help you through you feeling the loss of your siblings. But they really aren't worth it. Is again not easy but I would tell your family how you feel but that is just me. Me and my brother got very argumentative on and off that was grief but also we disagreed about things.
I really would let them know how you feel.
Remember ssd They are always with us. Sending messages. Ask for a sign xx Here if u need me always xx

t875 Sat 22-Jun-13 23:29:56

Mummylin in relation to the your local crem yes that's the same here but I would never be able to go to anyone's funeral there until god forbid my dad leaves this earth then I will have too but anyone else I know for sure I wouldn't be able to do it.

X

mummylin Sun 23-Jun-13 00:21:02

It bothers me that I would not be able to get the courage to go to someone's funeral because of the sad memories, but thinking about it, it's also where we had my sisters and I have been to quite a few since then, oh I don't know , will wait and see when it happens, pointless me worrying about something that hasn't happened yet isn't it ! Stupid me. Love to all x

t875 Sun 23-Jun-13 00:39:18

Yeah but you can't help thinking that way I know it's the same here. There are people who we are very close too who I know are very ill and it would kill me to go the crem. But it's the same where we went to my uncles funeral where my cousin who was only 24 died in a road traffic accident which was a massive shock and going to the same place for my uncle was extremely hard.

Photos!? When will photos get any easier. Any photos of my mum just bring me to tears and have done ever since she passed. sad don't know when or if that will get better for a while. Strangly I found it easier last year.

My god I miss her bloody heaps!!!

ssd Sun 23-Jun-13 09:13:40

yes I think cruse will help, I just need to speak of all this with someone who listens and doesnt say well your mum wouldnt want you sad.....

mummylin, for years I've carried a deep resentment of my siblings as they were no use to me when mum was alive, they never took on any of the burden (I hate that word) of her care..I was left with it all. I could never understand how they could not get involved with mum more but dh has told me they didnt need to as I did everything. But my god it was hard. I dont mean physically like washing mum , she had carers for that, but her general well being, shopping, bills, dealing with the housing and the council, arranging all her care and fighting her corner when the carers/council/doctors didnt have a clue. I've been my mums mum for years. I miss the thought of having my mum, but the actual mother/daughter relationship was long gone for me. I seen glimpses of mum now and then,but she was just really frail and past it all for years and years. Its so very hard watching your healthy, enthusiastic mum become old and frail and needy, its like gaining another child just as your own kids start school. And all the while my siblings would phone up and say " mum sounds fine, you worry too much", whilst ignoring what was actually going on day by day. So no, we're not close, well I'm not close to them. My db was very good when mum died, he flew here straight away and dealt with everything.Then he went home and I have spoke to him maybe twice. My dsis, well she flew in the day before the funeral and flew back the day after, and told me I had to get on with my own life now, just after we scattered mums ashes, she didnt realise mum was my life. So I cleared out mums house alone and dealt with my grief alone, whilst my "family" were posting pictures of holidays and parties on fb almost immediately after mum had died. It felt like being stabbed, knowing the loss of mum had hardly touched them and I was sleep walking through the days. But they live hundreds of miles away. so I dont see them and I deleted them from fb, there was only so much I could take.

sorry to go on girls just needed to get that off my chest!

t875 Sun 23-Jun-13 17:39:42

Go on anytime ssd. That's just absolutely terrible. How inconsiderate I can definitely see why you are feeling like you do. I stil remember up to a year and on and off now its all a roller coaster and done days I can't stand some family members!!

Hugs to you and anyone who needs them xx

ssd Sun 23-Jun-13 19:04:07

do you think I should tell all this to cruse t875?

mummylin Sun 23-Jun-13 21:07:01

ssd your story is very sad, and I can see why you are so hurt. Maybe it would be a good idea to tell cruse. I think you need to relate your story to help you to move on. People can be very strange. I am sorry you have had to put up with all the worry of everything and appear to be the only person who is really grieving for your mum. At least you have no regrets. You helped your mum and looked after her and did the best you could for her. They won't be able to say the same will they x

t875 Sun 23-Jun-13 21:47:19

Yes definitely tell cruse ssd you know my story and a lot of my grief definitely related to you know who and they really helped me. And they won't tell you you have to get on with it I didn't have that. Yeah towards the end I had an elder lady and she would say your mum is fine and she wants you to move on with your life but they were so understanding and sympathetic. Definitely helped me all round with even how I felt I had to be there for everyone. Xx

t875 Sun 23-Jun-13 21:48:31

Ssd Read what you have put here when you go Hun xx is it soon you go? X

ssd Sun 23-Jun-13 22:31:03

its july 18, not long now x

and you're right mummylin, I dont have any regrets x

t875 Mon 24-Jun-13 07:28:16

And all you done for mum makes you remarkable a fantastic daughter. They will regret at some stage they will look back I'm sure of it x

likesnowflakesinanocean Mon 24-Jun-13 19:08:26

got the rage today, convo between my aunt and old school friend popped up in news feed. she was saying how she was sad to hear about mum. aunt said oh yes its horrible to see someone taken by cancer. I sat with x for two weeks she was at peace life is not the same. fuck off! she stayed there 3 nights, was only here for 5 days before she died and don't even get me started on how hard it is to watch. 5 days you were around what about the 4 years before when you know she was terminally ill and never even bothered to pick up a phone. sorry for epic rant and bad language but are you Fucking kidding me?! why do people insist on making out they are so wonderful.

mummylin Mon 24-Jun-13 19:48:08

I don't know snowflakes they must want people to think they are such nice selfless people , when in reality they are the opposite.
That would of made me bloody mad too.but you know the truth of it, how did you manage not to say anything ?
I felt similar when my gran was dying , my bloody bitch of a cousin turned up to her hospital bed, she lived 10 mins away and hadn't bothered with our grandparents for about ten years. If we hadn't of been in the hospital she would of had a right old tongue lashing. I hate her, stuck up effing bitch. !

likesnowflakesinanocean Mon 24-Jun-13 20:12:58

cause she's a self centered mare who would of found a way to make it about her and how she feels. couldn't give one to be honest. I hate people who leech onto sadness and make themselves a central part of it when they aren't. your cousin would of drove me bonkers but like you I always think it is better to bite my tongue than argue with someone who doesnt care about anyone but herself. it pissed me off so much that so many people who never bothered despite knowing how ill she was turned up at her funeral blathering about how they never got the chance to say what they wanted too. tonight I am so upset, things are pretty shit and I miss her so much ot physically hurts and to have someone lie about the time they spent with her while dying has really kicked me in the stomach sad

mummylin Mon 24-Jun-13 22:24:41

Oh snowflakes hope things improve for you soon. Anything we can help with ? thanks for you x

mummylin Mon 24-Jun-13 22:29:40

Do not waste any of your time or energy even thinking about these people, they really aren't worth it. If they want to live in fantasy world, let them get on with it, you know the truth. I just don't understand some people. It's awful to think that losing someone we love can get all these utterly selfish people showing their true colours isn't it .

likesnowflakesinanocean Mon 24-Jun-13 22:45:39

just things are hard, grim area, finances and lots of problems with the children.everything seems ten times harder since she hasn't been here. glad I've got here to rant with you all or I'd have seriously lost my shit yesterdaygrin and I dislike arguments on facebook too classy for thatgrin LOL. how are you all doing aside from other people being unfeeling leechy arsecracks

t875 Mon 24-Jun-13 22:59:49

{{{}}} Snowflake that wind me the hell up too! You done well not saying anything. You know the truth hun. Im sorry things are hard there. Hope the rest of the week can go better for you.

we are here for you to rant, or just have a chat with. It is very hard to not have them here to be able to talk to that is a very hard thing and ive been there many many times, even now on and off after a year.

big hugs to you xx

BrigitBigKnickers Mon 24-Jun-13 23:11:28

Glad I found this. My mum passed away on the 5th of June. I am still quite numb- not really accepted it yet. I can go several days at a time keeping busy, when I feel fine but then something silly sets me off and I howl all day. On Saturday I had to write the card for her flowers for the funeral ( which is tomorrow) and I just didn't know what to write. Every time I picked up the pen I just dissolved. Then other times I can hardly remember what she looks like and feel odd for not feeling anything.

likesnowflakesinanocean Mon 24-Jun-13 23:14:26

its just so annoying because I know she's talking crap, she doesnt even bither to see how grandparents are even though I have posted before about them both not doing well. my nan refuses to go out Barr shopping for food because people ask her about mum sad. what is new with you all. it seems that we all have the annoying family cross to bear

likesnowflakesinanocean Mon 24-Jun-13 23:16:17

sorry to see you are joining us but you will find so much support here..be kind to yourself and try to look after yourself. I don't remember what I wrote on mums card, it is all a blur that two weeks. whatever you write will be from the heart x

t875 Tue 25-Jun-13 10:05:13

Brigitbigknickers - So very sorry to hear your loss, it really is horrendous. we are here for you to rant or just talk too, its such a numbing time there's still times now after 1 year where its very hard, and its big waves where i miss her loads, still go through this, there are days where i can laugh about her, i talk to her a lot and i still have special things i put on her shelf. I keep her close to me everyday and my belief is she is still around me, some days its not enough.. x
take each minute, hour, slowly and surround yourself with people you feel comfortable with and do what you want to do.
please come back when you need or just want to talk to us about anything, this group has been a massive support to me.
big hugs to you. When i was struggling bad through some stages i phoned the generic line from CRUSE and it really helped me, i also had a few sessions with cruse which helped me too. xx

t875 Tue 25-Jun-13 10:22:29

I wrote on my mums card, thank you for being a fantastic mum and nanny and mother in law, we will all miss you loads and we will never forget you and you will always be in our hearts forever and we love you loads and will always be my mum and will always be Together forever so hard, but hope tomorrow goes the best it can, we will be here after for you to talk to. xx

Snowflake - family cease to amaze done they!! Hope today is looking better for you xx

Im not too bad, in and out atm, i phoned a spiritualist church yesterday will be phoning up a few more today, but i spoke to a lovely lady though, which was quite comforting. Man im missing my mum at the moment though!! We miss them all the time, i guess life moves on as it has too with everything happening and i am ok a bit more still tough times though but i hate that adjustment without my mum but hey that might get a little easier as time goes on eh.

Thinking of you all today that have been on this thread over the year too xx

mummylin Tue 25-Jun-13 11:01:35

Good morning everyone brightknickers sorry you have joined us , hope today goes as well as it can in the circumstances.
As t875 said , it is an awful numbing time and its like you are suddenly thrust into a different world, a world that we don't like and can't contemplate being without our beloved mums.
You can only take each day as it comes and get through as best you can. It's fine to cry and its fine to want to rant .
I have no clue what I put on m mums card, but. Do have all the cards in an album so can always look it up. I think the first couple of weeks I was in a daze , but because this was the meeting place for the rest of my siblings and family , I was kept quite busy. Then after the funeral I was still busy as I and my younger brother were executors, and there was such a lot to do. Thankfully my brother had a good idea what was to be done and I just went and signed where I had to , spoke to who we had to etc. I would not of managed without him .but now, well it all hurts nearly the same as it did in the first place, but I can have days where I can think about mum and smile at things we did together. But I miss her terribly.
Ps [t875] I still only have one bean !!!!

chickydoo Tue 25-Jun-13 14:25:11

Hello BridgetBigKnickers.
I have to write on the cards for my Mums flowers on Thursday. So I understand how difficult it is to find the right words. I hope you are Ok today.
I can't believe it is nearly a week since Mum died. I feel so tired!
Was daydreaming yesterday & remembered I needed to ask Mum if she could look after the kids on Saturday. Then I remembered she's dead. I will never see her again, or chat with her on the phone.
I have a lot to do (and say) at the Funeral, not sure how I'm going to cope.
Thanks for listening

mummylin Tue 25-Jun-13 15:07:02

Hello chickydoo isn't it horrid that just for a second you forget, then it right away comes flooding back. You just want to go to bed and think when you wake you will find its all a terrible dream. It hits you with a sickening lurch. We all have had those moments where our instinct is to call our mum to tell tell/ ask her something. Then remember sadly we can't do that anymore. It is utterly impossible to believe we can never see them again. Mum was tied up in most things that all of us did within our own individual families. And we tried to always to involve her as we all knew she just loved being with us. Our family and our world is now a poorer place without her being here. Life will never be the same for me and I'm sure the rest of you. You will find the "firsts" of everything unbearable, but we all have to face them. We will be here for you.
bigknickers was thinking of you today. Hope you coped ok
ssd and t875 hope you are having ok day today. Sun is shining here( maybe I will get another bean )
To everyone thanks to cheer you all up a little bit and to know I am thinking of you.

chickydoo Wed 26-Jun-13 23:08:35

Thank you Mummylin thanks
Mum's funeral is in the morning, all our black clothes are hanging up waiting to go on, I can't quite believe it! The last funeral I went to I was sitting next to Mum, and now it's her turn.
I'm finding I am struggling with all my beliefs and my own ideas about life & death, I guess this is normal though.
We all have to die, Mum was robbed of a few years, she was just 70. I was crossing fingers for a few more years but it was not to be.
I have to stand up and read the eulogy, what if I blub, what if I can't do it??? Sadly there are a few people coming who will have their judgy pants on.
Next time I sign in Mum will be buried.
Thank you for your kind words, I hope in time I can help others too.
'

t875 Wed 26-Jun-13 23:18:25

Oh chickydoo

The day itself is so very hard don't you worry about anyone and what they think. It is hard reading, I read a poem I made up and god knows how but somehow the strength come through!
We will be here after chicky we all will be by your side, I know what you mean my mum was 65 and not ill as such. So big shock. It's soo shocking.
Take care and big hugs to you and thinking of you and your family tomorrow.
(((Hugs))) xx

t875 Wed 26-Jun-13 23:32:39

Hi to everyone else.

I have an admin contract for 6 weeks in a care home got elderly so ill not be here as much but anyone pm me anytime. Ill try and drop in when I can.
Mummylin - keep us posted about beanie :-)
Hi ssd, biscuits, snowflake, and anyone else I missed xx

mummylin Wed 26-Jun-13 23:37:04

Will be thinking of you chickydoo it dosent matter if you stumble or cry. I think you have bloody good reason to cry.let people judge away. Those sort of people seem to be everywhere. We will be with you , holding your hand. It will be over before you know it, sadly there never seems to be enough time to summarise a whole persons lifetime. Xx

mummylin Wed 26-Jun-13 23:39:53

I'm in a strop about my beanst875 I've still only got one ! Think they can't get out cause I've put them too far down. I may scoop some dirt out cause I'm desperate to grow mums beans. God about the work Will pm you when I give birth to my next bean grin

t875 Thu 27-Jun-13 07:53:20

The got in my last post is for elderly! Lol

Mummylin- give it a try with ol beanie you never know it might help. Beans didn't work for us here but the strawberries are on the go this year and wasnt last year reminds me I must get a tomatoe plant. smile

Chickydoo - will be thinking of you today xx

I'm about today start work tomorrow! I have to say I'm very apprehensive as I've got to the stage where I've got the hump and feel taken for granted by my husband expected to remember everything, organise everything, do everything unless I ask him and quite frankly it's got to the stage I've had enough and we are working through this and he has said he will help more with it all. I normally work part time so 4 days will leave me no time to do stuff round the house and its certainly going to shake up things here hopefully he can help me more like he said. Since my mum I can't remember everything anymore, it's very hard. Wish I could talk to my mum about it all she would know what to say neutrally sigh

mummylin Thu 27-Jun-13 09:14:53

t875 it's so hard trying to juggle everything isn't it. I think sometimes men think everything gets done by itself. We are often regarded as , wives, mums, nurses, cooks , cleaners etc they forget we are human beings not super human ! My dh is one of the worst, I can make the house tidy and he comes home and just dumps things all over the place and I end up thinking what is the point of me doing the cleaning to start with. Good luck with your new job.
chickydoo in my thoughts this morning. We are with you x

t875 Thu 27-Jun-13 10:11:50

Thanks mummylin. Gotta say I'm a little bit humpy about it all. I think his taking me for granted is putting me off him. I feel I am responsible for everything and its doing my head in I might have to go on strike! grin that would well wind me up if I'd just tidied up and he dumped everything down! I would honestly leave it there until he picked it up!! Lol my friend went on strike and done nothing for 3 weeks! smile

mummylin Thu 27-Jun-13 10:36:37

I often think that's what I will do, but I can't because it drives. Me bloody mad seeing things everywhere. Basically he s very lazy at home. We had a bit of a fall out earlier this week, but he knew he was wrong and ended up ordering me 3 games off amazon and gave me a cheque !
I am still me under all my different tasks, I have a name and am a person ! He is good in some ways but terrible in others. I don't feel e has been as supportive as he coud of been regarding my mum either. And that annoyed me.
Can you guess it dosent take much to upset me. I do have a very quick temper and will always say what what I think. I believe in not bottling things up as it causes resentment. The thing is people think because I am small that I will take things lying down . Very big mistake to make ! X

t875 Thu 27-Jun-13 15:24:46

Actually no I wouldn't guess that atal and I think it's only natural you get annoyed I get annoyed with them sort of things. Although for me can't fault him with relation to my mum it's just the taken for granted and feeling like I have to do it all, organise it all, act on it all. Drives me mad!!
We're working on it right now smile x

likesnowflakesinanocean Fri 28-Jun-13 22:13:24

still not doing well, feel really miserable and things not improving. emailed Samaritans just needed to spill it all out sad. hope your all muddling on okay

mummylin Sat 29-Jun-13 01:25:43

Oh snowflakes , how horrid for you. Things sound really tough. Hope that the chat to Samaritans helped. Any chance you can get away for a little break for a couple of nights ? What would help you most at the moment ? Feel free to pm if you feel like it, always here to listen x

likesnowflakesinanocean Sat 29-Jun-13 08:09:24

unfprtunatly not mummylin we are beyond skint struggling to keep heads above water. ds birthday is coming up am determined to have a good time for him grin. feel a little better this morning just too much going on

mummylin Sat 29-Jun-13 21:24:55

Hello ssd t875 and everyone. Hope you are doing ok and that you have had a nice bit of sunshine today. Been baking here, at times too hot even to do gardening.
No more beans have appeared yet, I think I Planted them facing down to Austalia !
I have some ready grown plants that someone has given me ,but I'm not giving up on my mums. H said to did them up , but I bloody well won't, they will grow !
Hope job went ok t875.
* biscuits* is all well with you ?
chickydoo hope the funeral was bearable for you and that you coped doing the reading.
ssd have you been to cruse yet ? How are you feeling now ? Love to you all .

t875 Sun 30-Jun-13 23:04:30

Keep going with the beans Mummylin!! Im willing it on for you, ask for a bit of help wink

Chicky - Thinking of you and hope the funeral went as good as it could be.

ssd - Hope your ok hun, Im here if you want a chat. Good luck with CRUSE let us know how you get on.

Snowflake - Hope things are calmer there for you

Well my job isn't too bad, bit different to what they said it was going to be loads of banking stuff accounts which i hate, and am admin in a care home which is a little hard because obv some of these people have dementia and stuff and its so very sad to see and also hear but im going to see how i go!
enjoyed the sun today here, hope you are all going on ok as can be, just hits you still time to time and it just blows me away she isnt here, i hate it! But i know she is with me and i guess thats all I can take with me. xx

chickydoo Mon 01-Jul-13 00:18:16

Hello
Well, the funeral is over. It was actually very beautifully done.
A church service then a woodland burial. It was so surreal. I couldn't think, didn't think it was Mum in the coffin. That would be too ridiculous! My Mum in a wooden box, chosen by me...being put in the ground...madness!
I read, well spoke about her actually, didn't cry, I think I did alright, people said I did anyway. I only howled at the graveside.
It's odd though, weird things have happened since. Coincidences really.
I lost some things weeks ago, I remember dropping a couple of bags in town, thought I'd picked them all up, got to the car with one bag missing. ( was really cross as there was a cardigan & some make-up in it) I Put the rest of the bags on the back seat of the car.
Only to discover the missing bag in my car boot yesterday...strange...
Also I called a friend who I have not seen for 3 months, a lovely supportive person, promised to meet her soon, then bumped in to her on a train by accident yesterday....how odd...
Then today ( this will now out me to anyone who knows me, but I don't care)
Went to a christening today. A long standing arrangement, felt I couldn't let anyone down so went along.
Wasn't happy to be in a church again so soon after the funeral, but felt it was the right thing to do.
Whilst waiting for it to start ( was within a normal Sunday service) I checked to see what the the Hymns were going to be, only to discover the first 2 hymns were the same first 2 hymns I had chosen for the funeral. The odds on that must be amazing.
There have been other things too, not so obvious but little things like windows & doors blowing open even though they have been firmly shut.
I asked Mum before she died to let me know she was Ok. I am not one for normally believing in things like paranormal stuff, all a bit 'Woo' for me.....yet I have a feeling something strange is going on......who knows....
Will keep you posted
Mummylin, I hope you get a few more beans, and thank you, all of you for your kind words. They have really helped.
Need some sleep now...goodnight...

Hi everyone ive never posted here before but have read a few posts. I lost my Mum on 13th june this year and im finding it really hard to cope. She died from cancer. I was with her when she went and visited her at the funeral home. The nurses at the hospital were amazing and so was my best friend who was like an adopted daughter to my Mum. I held it together until the funeral when i lost it completely and broke down. Like someone else said on here that they keep wanting to ring their Mum well im like that too. Every time it rings i think its my Mum. And to top it off my brother doesnt even know that Mums gone we cant find him anywhere. Aparrently Mum rang him when she was diagnosed for the second time an he never got back to her. Have just read that back and im sorry if it sound s like im rambling. My Nan (Mums Mum) isnt coping either shes bottling it all up. Shes 90 and my Mum would have been 64 this year. Its not an age to go. Anyway thankyou for getting this far with my rambling.

mummylin Mon 01-Jul-13 11:56:41

Oh stephanie your post is so sad. Hope we can help you on here. It is very early days for you and I expect you are finding it very hard to adjust at the moment. It's like you are in an unreal world for a bit and as I have said before, ou look around and everyone else is just going about their business as normal and you feel you want to scream at them and say "how can you be shopping / chatting / whatever, when my mum has just died. It's a very strange feeling and doesn't help your loss.you expect the world to change , but it's only your bit of world that has. It's horrid and you have my sympathies.
Your poor nan, she must be so distraught at losing her dd and your brother is going to have a massive shock when he finally gets to hear. Do you think he is still on your town or gone somewhere else.
Get through each day one by one, I hope you have some RL sport too.
chickydoo glad to see that all went ok and well done for being so strong and doing what you had to. You were certainly braver than I was. My brother spoke but I was a crumbling mess. Hope we can continue to sport you when you need it.
t875 hope things settle down in your new job, takes a it of adjusting too when there is something new doesn't it. Am off out to search for any more beans ! I will ask my mum for help and maybe they will grow enormous in the end !

Oh Mummylin you have just described how im feeling! I have no idea where my brother is he was last known to be living in huddersfield but i dont even have an address for him. My Nan is bottling things up and is making herself ill. I try to cheer her up as best i can but now shes on her own its very hard for her. Anyway i do have some support in rl my best mate has been amazing, without her i would have gone under by now. Thankyou for replying to my post xx flowers

mummylin Mon 01-Jul-13 19:27:14

Could you try sending a letter to the local newspapers there asking for him to get in touch. Someone may know him .. Glad to hear you have a good friend to help you through, it's not always the case, sometimes the people you think will be supportive are not there when you really need them. Hope you had n ok day today. Be prepared it will hit you when you least expect it. I feel so sorry for your nan, makes no difference how old your child is, it it devastating for the parent.

crazykat Mon 01-Jul-13 20:31:50

Stephanie I'm so sorry for your loss. There's not many things worse than watching someone you love losing their battle. I'm glad you have someone in rl who can support you.

Have you thought of looking on Facebook for your brother? I don't know of you or he use it but it may help find him, even if he doesn't see it someone who knows him might.

crazykat Mon 01-Jul-13 20:42:28

I don't know if anyone remembers me from the old thread as its been a while and I only posted a few times. I kept meaning to keep up with you all but life has a way of keeping me busy.

My mum has cervical cancer and in November was told the treatment wasn't working and the doctors told her she only had 2-3 months to live. Thankfully she's still here but I can see her fading.

It's so hard seeing her unable to do things we used to do together. It's her birthday next Monday, she'll be 54, it's no age. I know I'll spend the day wondering if this is the last birthday we'll celebrate with her as I did at Christmas and my and DCs birthdays.

If its this hard while she's still here I don't know how I'll survive when she's gone. I'll have to for my dad and DCs, they'll keep us both going, but I'm terrified.

Most days I'm okay but there's times I wake in the night and it hits me like a punch that sooner than later ill not be able to wave to her on the way to school, call in on the way home or just phone her like I do several times a day.

I don't know what I'll do. Sorry it's a bit long, it's hard to talk to people in rl who haven't been through it.

mummylin Mon 01-Jul-13 21:35:17

Hello* crazykat* when my mum was alive now and then she would start sentences saying " when I'm not here " which would utterly freak me out and I would ask her not to talk about it. Just her saying it made me feel s upset. And then one day it comes true and I have to say its devastating. There is no easy way to accept it and yes it is awful. But you learn to take each day as it comes and the days between bouts of tears get longer in between. I have found this thread invaluable as like you say , it is such a help to be able to speak with others who have gone through it.
There is no quick fix and the grieving is very painful, particularly at first. Most of us on here still get the urge to phone our mums as we always used to. Of course everyone is different and grieves in their own way. You have the added sorrow in watching your mum fade away. But she is with you now. Cherish the time and make lots more memories whilst you can. We will be here when you need us .

crazykat Mon 01-Jul-13 22:23:24

Thank you mummylin it helps so much knowing there are others who have been through similar, awful that is must have been for you all, that are here to talk to.

My DH is supportive and great when I'm upset but he's never been through it so finds it hard to understand that a little thing can make me sad. It's tearing me apart seeing my older DCs upset, we were told its best to prepare them so it will be less of a shock. It sounds awful but I'm glad (yet at the same time hate it) that they're so young they'll not remember much about this time. My youngest two probably wont remember her at all.

It feels as though I'm already grieving, not for her, but for the years we should have with her. She's only 53, 54 next week, and I'm 25.

It sounds selfish but I've not long started my degree and she should be here to see me graduate, see my DCs grow up.

I know I should be grateful that she was there when I got married and seen my DCs when there are others on this thread that lost parents as children, I am thankful but I still want more. I want to stamp my feet like a child till I get what I want. But life doesn't work that way.

mummylin Mon 01-Jul-13 22:29:28

25 is far too going to lose your mum. Your right there should be so many more things to enjoy together. But it's not to be.
Yes I expect you are already grieving for the life ahead without your dear mum. Life is so unfair. In a way it's good that little children can't remember things, but you can make sure they always know their nan. You can talk to them and will be able to relate things you have done together. You can when they are older keep her alive in their memories. I hope you still have quite a bit of time to enjoy being together.

crazykat Mon 01-Jul-13 23:04:40

I've bought a life journal for my mum to fill in. It's got questions about her life and my early life and space for special memories. It just hit me the other day as she was sorting her jewellery and telling me what she wants each of my DDs to have. It just brought it home again.

mummylin Mon 01-Jul-13 23:55:16

You will be ok, somewhere we all seem to get added strength to get through these sad times. The journal sounds like a great idea. Must be very sad for your mum to do that, but it will be lovely for your children to learn about her and her life.

Hi Mummylin im going to try that thankyou smile
Hi Crazykat ive tried facebook and twitter and he doesnt appear to be on there. Ive no idea where he is. Would i be able to post his name on here and hope that someone knows him? Im desperate! If anyone knew where he is they could pm me and let me know.TIA xxxx

crazykat Tue 02-Jul-13 15:11:59

I don't see why not bit it would 'out' you to people who know you on RL. Maybe ask MNHQ and check it doesn't break any rules.

I don't use twitter but did you just search for his profile or did you write a public post along the lines of "trying to contact my brother .... If anyone knows him or where he is please ask him to contact me here".

I'm not sure if the public can access the electoral role/register but that might be worth a try assuming he's registered to vote.

mummylin Tue 02-Jul-13 15:51:17

I think you can find people on electoral roll in libraries. I don't know if it would only be for the town you live in though.there are sites that you can find people but think you may have to pay. I don't think it's a lot though. What about friends reunited. You could do a search on there. Have done that myself and found old workmates.

Hi Crazykat i just searched his profile on both facebook and twitter but hes not there.
Hi Mummylin have wondered about electoral roll but would have to go to his home town and i dont know if hes still in huddersfield or not. Its just so frustrating not knowing along with everything else ive had to deal with. Thankyou for your ideas anyway will have to keep trying thats all.

ssd Wed 03-Jul-13 10:11:53

hi to all the newcomers to this thread, and I'm really so sorry you had to join it at all, also hi to crazycat again! I'm really so very sorry we're all here at all girls, bereavement and all that comes with it is so very hard to take and watching someone you love slipping away is utterly heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.sad

can I ask mummylin, t875, girls who have been through losing their mums, did you go through a period of anxiety about your own health? My mum has been gone nearly 10 months now and I'm really wound up with worries about my health, I'm going to my doctors all the time with something, I'm terrified I've got something serious and I'm going to leave my kids like my mum left me, I'm just utterly terrified of this and its affecting my health. I worry and worry and worry all the time. I feel its because I feel so alone since mum died and she's the last of my family gone, as you know I'm not close to siblings and I feel theres no back up out there for me, family wise, although dh is good he doesn't feel like family, isn't that awful. I imagine family supports you and is there for you when you need them and I've realised I don't have that and it panics me and makes me feel alone in the world. I think my health anxiety comes from this, I have a friend who feels the same, she isn't close to her family and only has her old dad left and she feels terrified incase something happens to her too. I feel I need something to calm me down. When I went to a spiritualist night a few months ago, I was told my dad came through and told me "don't worry", that's exactly what he would have said to me, he was a worrier like me.

I don't know if this is normal, I just don't know if I'm driving myself mad. I'm seeing cruse on the 18th, maybe I should discuss it with them?

mummylin Wed 03-Jul-13 14:29:24

I don't actually worry about my health as such , but I often feel sad thinking that one day my own children will have to go through this. I also worry about my siblings. As some of you know , we already have lost a sister and the thought of going through it all again is horrendous. I am lucky in that we are all close, but is that going to make it feel even worse ? There are 5 of us left , but the thought that one day there will only be one of us is truly awful. I think it makes us all thin k about our own mortality More than perhaps we would of done. Hope cruse will help you ssd it sounds like its all overwhelming for you. Not long till the 18 th.

ssd Wed 03-Jul-13 15:22:53

thats exactly how I feel, like I'm the only one left. TBH it isnt that I worry about my health, I dont care what happens to me, but it affecting my kids just kills me, knowing they've only got dh to fall back on. I worry for them.

mummylin Wed 03-Jul-13 15:34:38

It is horrible to think these things , but I guess when you have lost someone close, it makes you think about your nearest and dearest family and you realise that one day !! And it's a very scary thought. I'm sure we all think this at some point, but it's best not to dwell on it too much or we would all be seriously depressed. I think it has been such a horrible time for you because of the family situation and this maybe has made you even more stressed about it than maybe me for instance. You def need to speak to someone to help you ssd or you will become Ill. Very difficult for you. X

crazykat Wed 03-Jul-13 16:28:58

Hi sad I think you definitely need to talk it through with someone either at cruse or your GP. I know what you mean about worrying over your own health. Just after my mum got told she didn't have long I had a couple of symptoms that she'd had before her diagnosis and I got really worried. It was nothing just my body adjusting after having DS2 and starting the pill again but I freaked that I had cancer too.
It sounds ridiculous now but at the time I was terrified.

I think when someone close to you especially a parent dies or gets a terminal diagnosis it makes us realise that we're not immortal. We know that no one can live forever but we don't think about what it will be like when someone close dies.

I remember saying to DH that in a way it's cruel to have kids as we are setting them up to have their hearts broken. Life can be wonderful but at times it's so cruel.

mummylin Wed 03-Jul-13 16:30:36

It sounds ridiculous , but I also think about when my kids get old and are frail and ill and I won't be here to look after them ! Guess that's being a mum .

t875 Wed 03-Jul-13 17:12:03

Yeah im a lot more anxious than I was ssd! I remember going for a smear and really being scared, shaking actually. But yeah its definitely made me more paranoid and paranoid of those around me, i definitely have to shut off from it big time.

Hope everyone is going along the best they can today..
im on a downer, melancholy really sad and in deep thought of missing my mum, eldest is stressing me out big time, shouting and answering back all the time..my dad is struggling more atm, im just very down today finding it all very hard, all i asked my eldest to do was dust her room, im seriously not needing this stress!! I have one day off its too hard for me right now..really is i just think everything though is over whelming me, im very stressed and bitter today!! sad xx

mummylin Wed 03-Jul-13 18:13:03

Sorry you are having a bad day t875. Your not allowed to ask kids to dust,or do anything actually. Or so they seem to think. My dd has the same thing with her dd,s. they want their phone,s topped up. Want her to drive them places etc but never want to do anything in return ! You are not alone.isould not of dared to refuse if my mum had asked me to do something. Don't know what's wrong with the. These days. Hope you have a better day tomorrow and that you get some help!

likesnowflakesinanocean Wed 03-Jul-13 19:19:14

I used to get really stressed by it, now I will ask nicely once, remind and if it doesn't get done I take priveleges from rooms. had a better week with behaviour and such I am currently hunting for bargains for ds birthday so anyone point me in the direction of ninja turtles or boys toys id be appreciativegrin sorry to hear you have been feeling so bad, it does leave you feeling flat some days. they aren't easy days thinking about what you are missing. I have been emailing Samaritans just wanted someone to talk too, they are nice and have kept in touch but they asked if I ever felt if I can't go on, I felt awful saying no. like I didn't miss my mum enough which god I do but I would never put my children through the pain we are going through now by choice. some days are bleak but I try to write them off and carry on. I am annoyed as my nans birthday is coming up, I want to make it a nice day for her but I know her other two children won't bother so she will be upset. I miss my mum and all the effort she made for birthdays making whoever feel special.

chickydoo Wed 03-Jul-13 23:05:31

Hi All
Almost a week has passed since Mum's funeral. I have been working everyday to keep busy, ( I really do have a lot of work at the moment ) Am scared to stop & sit down as that's when jolly old reality smacks me in the face & reminds me of the nightmare of the last 2 weeks, & that my lovely Mum is not coming back.
It is a comfort reading through all the posts on this thread, we are all in similar boats, it is weird, but I am worried too how my kids will cope when I die. Dying is rubbish....I know we have to go, but it's not a pleasant thought. I am being morose, sorry.
Hope you are all ok today.
X

BrigitBigKnickers Wed 03-Jul-13 23:41:07

Just over a week since my mums funeral. I am on auto pilot. Still feel quite numb. It's four weeks since she died and I really don't think it has truly hit me. Had a really bad day on Saturday- felt drained and weepy all day mainly because DD (17) had come back late from a party and was very emotional about her granny and various other things so I didn't get to bed till 2.30am.

Spending a lot of time with my dad who only lives round the corner who seems to be coping ok. He is keeping very busy but it's so sad to go round there and see him rattling round in their house which is really far too big for one person.

BrigitBigKnickers Wed 03-Jul-13 23:49:10

Just read your post about the funeral chickydoo I felt the same sense of surrealism in the car following the hearse. It was a beautiful sunny day and I remember looking out of the window seeing people in their gardens going about their daily business thinking " this can't be real- I am going to my mum's funeral."

I just couldn't reconcile myself to the fact that she was in the box in the car we were following.

mummylin Thu 04-Jul-13 12:59:50

Hello everyone, I am sitting in the garden looking at my flowers I transplanted from her garden. I know she would be pleased that they are all growing well ( except for the bloody beans ) I bought her metal archway home and replanted her climbing roses which I am pleased to say has one rose out and loads of buds. If I remember rightly we bought her the rose and it was called " happy birthday "
snowflakes hope you are a bit happier today. Things have a way of turning around sometimes
T everyone else I am thinking of you all especially those who have just had their mums funerals.
t875 hope it's a bett day for you too and things are a bit calmer regarding your dd.

mummylin Thu 04-Jul-13 13:04:28

Oh and for a change last night I heard some good news. 11 yrs ago I had a young Finn to stay for 3 weeks,we kept in touch and 6 years later he came back here not as a student but as a friend. 2 years ago dh and I were invited to Finland for his wedding, which we did go toWell last night I had an email, to say baby on way in December ! I am so pleased for him and his wife, they are a lovely couple and it was so good to hear something good amongst all the sadness. There are a couple of pictures from his wedding on my profile.

mummylin Sat 06-Jul-13 12:58:15

Hope you are all being cheered by the beautiful weather, it does lift your spirits a bit dosent it. It's so nice to look at all the lovely flowers coming along now. I will go to the cemetery tomorrow to change mums flowers ( and my sisters ) . I always have a little chat to them both when I am there. I hope they can hear me. Hope you all bearing up ok.

crazykat Sat 06-Jul-13 19:59:53

I'm both looking forward to and dreading tomorrow. It's our annual BBQ for my parents birthdays (they're within eight days of each other). It's always fun and the DCs love it. I'm dreading it as its almost certain to be the last birthday we celebrate with my mum. I wish I didn't think like that but I just can't help it. It's been the same with Christmas and birthdays since her diagnosis.

She'll be 54 on Monday and its far too soon for it to be her last birthday.

mummylin Sat 06-Jul-13 20:52:18

Sorry I can't make things happier for you crazykat all I can say is to enjoy it as much as possible. Your mum is still here for now and I know the future is looking bleak, but make the most of now
Take lots of photo,s and you can make some more memories for the future. It will be a bittersweet day for you all and I really feel for you. I'm sure you will put a brave face on for the day, but im sure inside your heart will be breaking. Very difficult for your dad too and I agree it's far to young for your mum to lose her life. I hope you will at least have a few more months together. I will think of you.

likesnowflakesinanocean Sat 06-Jul-13 20:54:34

sorry to hear what you are going through krazy im sure it will be a strange day, i felt the same when my mum was diagnosed every family occasion or birthday party i wondered if she would see the next one but we tried to make the most of every day. she died in november and we are fast approaching my sons birthday, its so hard planning it without her she always had the best ideas and offered to make cakes when i sucked at it.

BrigitBigKnickers Sun 07-Jul-13 09:12:03

It was my mum's birthday yesterday.. The first one without her. She would have been 68 -just too young. Until she was ill she was very fit- swam five miles a week, walked miles with her dogs, ate well. She was the most kind hearted lady you could wish to meet- always had time for people, especially when they had problems.

I remember many a time growing up where she would be helping one friend or another- one suicidal- going through a messy break up, another whose husband had died, the lonely elderly neighbour who she did shopping for.

Why her? It's not fair.

mummylin Sun 07-Jul-13 09:20:30

Good morning bigknickers no it's not fair at all. I think the firsts of each anniversary are so sad, you think back to the previous birthday and its almost unbearable that they just aren't here any more and are gone from our lives. The thing is , we all know our mums would not want us to grieve for too long, but I honestly don't know how we cannot.hope today will be better for you.

mummylin Sun 07-Jul-13 21:12:07

Well what a scorcher it's been today, I am like a wilted lettuce !
I have been to put fresh flowers on the graves today, I have to say when I got there they looked awful. Last flowers had completely died. All ok again now though. I wish someone else would go as well as me. ssd hope your doing ok , not long till the 18th.
crazykat hope you managed an enjoyable day today in spite of the circumstances.
t875 hope work will be fine this week for you.
To everyone , hope you all enjoyed the beautiful day today. Thinking of you all

t875 Sun 07-Jul-13 22:49:52

Big knickers
We all know that feeling Hun. Your not on your own, I have said over and over that's the anger and bitterness that's coming back and it does creep in back and forth

It isn't fair totally am with you. I Miss her like mad. She was only celebrating her 65th birthday year before! She had done so much for everyone.
Totally am with you!!

Crazycat - bless you, such a hard day I couldn't imagine. My thoughts r with you all. Sending you strength And hugs what mummylin said I'd say the same! We're here for you!

Mummylin - you know me! I do believe that they heard you Hun! I bet your flowers looked lovely too.
Work isn't too bad thanks for asking!! Shock and sad with the residents who have dementia so very hard to see. Lovely ladies though! I said to one as she was walking back and forth past my office , "why don't you come in the day room and watch tennis"? Her reply was " we can't play games" smile I said no, not us play tennis. Lol. Bless her she is sweet!

Biscuits, ssd, snowflake, galaxy and anyone I've missed on the thread hope your all going along best you can xx

t875 Sun 07-Jul-13 22:56:45

My husband has been doing a lot of exams at work. He has passed and his last one he passed yesterday

Well as he was driving home from there he had a small white feather blow in through the window and back through the other side.
He's not really been into the spiritual side but since my mum he has. So he said thank you whoever. smile as he lost his dad 10 years ago as well as my mum last year.

He more a believer now lol

mummylin Sun 07-Jul-13 23:05:18

Well I have to confess that when I went to the crem today I said "mum, please help my beans to grow " we will see. Your old lady sounds sweet. It's very sad. When they get like that isn't it

t875 Sun 07-Jul-13 23:45:34

Yeah it really is. And I've got to make sure I don't get too attached!! As im
Terrible with old people! i will take her under my wing! lol! it is extremely sad though. Any movement on your beans??

X

mummylin Sun 07-Jul-13 23:48:47

No there isn't , but tomorrow they may have sprouted and be 6 inches tall grin just had a shock, I kept hearing a noise and couldn't see anything, all of a sudden I spotted on my lounge floor a big stag beetle ! I hate them and dh had to gingerly get it out ! Ha ha . He was more scared than me !

t875 Mon 08-Jul-13 00:01:06

Ooh I hate them beetles!! How funny hubby being scared! grin well keep me posted on bean watch!! Ill catch up soon as I can in the week!

Night xx

mummylin Mon 08-Jul-13 00:04:39

Ok, night !

t875 Mon 08-Jul-13 00:10:49

Sorry was meant to put night and hope you all have the best week you can! Certainly picks up ya spirits the sun.

If ya haven't seen dispicable me 2 it's brilliant! Well worth watching!!
Always here if anyone wants to pm me xx

crazykat Mon 08-Jul-13 13:07:45

Thank you mummylin, snowflake and t875. It was a good day and lovely weather. I got a little teary but not for long.

Fingers crossed for your beans mummylin.

Hope everyone's having a good day, or as good as it gets in the circumstances.

mummylin Mon 08-Jul-13 13:23:23

Glad you got through the day ok.hope you took loads of photos and that your mum enjoyed it as well. Did it fire her out or did she cope ok ?
I don't wish to talk about my lack of slow growing beans! Just had a big dragon fly in . Landed on my curtain and I've got a lovely photo, being invaded by insects. Last night was a stag beetle !

crazykat Mon 08-Jul-13 15:35:35

Dragonflies are lovely but beetles make me cringe. My mum had a lovely time, it tired her out but she said it was worth it to see her grand kids enjoying themselves. I can't wait till the summer hols so I can go up there more often when my eldest two aren't at school.

mummylin Mon 08-Jul-13 15:52:48

Well it was so hot as well wasnt it and that is draining in itself. Really glad that she enjoyed herself.
The dragon fly had the most beautiful wings. It was a really big one about 4 inches long , later on I will put the photo on my profile, but my camera is on charge at moment, will tell you when it's there and you will be able to see for yourself. A veritable David Attenborough here you know smile

mummylin Mon 08-Jul-13 15:55:18

Yes when there is no school you will have more time and you can spend a lot of it with your mum, if we continue having this good weather you can both relax just sitting in the garden. Does your mum get birds in her garden as they can be very relaxing to watch, if she dosent have one she may like a bird table or something so she could watch them and their antics

crazykat Mon 08-Jul-13 16:23:04

Thats a good idea. My dad's trying to grow his own vegetables in the garden so he tries to scare birds away. They've got a decent size front garden though so I'll see if I can get one for there so my mum can look out the window and watch them, the kids will love feeding the birds too.

One good thing about the warm weather is my mum isn't cold for the first time in months.

mummylin Mon 08-Jul-13 17:21:55

I think you can get feeders that stick onto the window now, haven't seen one but this is what I was told, maybe something like that would entice for her .

mummylin Mon 08-Jul-13 17:34:28

Yes you can get window feeders I just looked them up on amazon, quite reasonable too.

crazykat Mon 08-Jul-13 18:58:16

Thanks, I'll have a look and see if I can get one for her.

likesnowflakesinanocean Mon 08-Jul-13 21:47:58

omg I am so ill never wanted my mum more. I am burning stomach so painful, dizzy and head like its being squeezed. can't sleep but can't do anything else either. dp just phoned and was useless all I want is a tiny hope your ok maybe a bru too

mummylin Mon 08-Jul-13 21:54:27

Oh crikey , he long ave you been like that for. Do you need a doc ?

mummylin Mon 08-Jul-13 21:55:44

Could it be sunstroke ?

mummylin Mon 08-Jul-13 21:59:50

Is your other half due home soon ?

likesnowflakesinanocean Tue 09-Jul-13 07:30:59

just yesterday didn't feel too brill took ds swimming got out and just so faint and headachey. dp still not home works long hours, hopefully if rest today will feel better

BiscuitsandBaileys Tue 09-Jul-13 10:24:00

Hi all.

Hope you feel better today snowflake sad take it easy.

crazykat sorry you're going through a tough time. I lost my dad this year from cancer and all I can say is spend as much time with your mum as you can, say what you need to and take lots of photos. I lost my mum last year from a stroke and didn't get the chance to do those things, and she hated having her photo taken so I don't even have loads of pictures of her. {{hugs}} to you.

t875 hope you're doing ok. We also saw despicable me 2 last week and loved it! Me and dh were rolled up laughing! (and dd's of course!)

Hope you're also ok mummylin and ssd

I ran my 10k race for life on Sunday with my friend. It was so hot! But we managed it in 1 hour 13 minutes which we were pleased with. I got a bit teary the night before when I was writing the sign for my back saying who I was running for but I was ok on the day, I was just glad to get to the finish line grin I raised £253 which I'm so pleased with.

Well I'm going to hang some more washing out now, loving this weather! Also looking forward to dd's breaking up for the holidays although I'm sure I'll have changed my mind after a few days!!! xxx

mummylin Tue 09-Jul-13 11:11:09

Wow * biscuits* very well done to you on your run. What a good amount you raised too . Would you do it again ? Hope all is going well for you. I too used to love the summer holidays, no getting up early , no uniform to iron etc.
* snowflakes* hope you are feeling a bit better this morning. It's too hot to be ill as well !
* ssd* hope you are doing ok. Not long till you go to cruse and hopefully they will help you.
chickydoo and * bigknickers* hope you are both taking each day as it comes and coping.
t875 hope you are finding work ok in this awful heat. I can't do anything , I am useless in this heat. My sister is here for two weeks but I haven't seen her or heard from her yet ! Been here since Saturday. None of us has. I expect they have been on the beach, I'm sure the little girls will love it to everyone else have a good day and I hope you are managing to put one foot in front of the other

BiscuitsandBaileys Tue 09-Jul-13 14:05:12

Hi mummylin yes I think I would do it again. There was such a good atmosphere, everyones there for the same reason. The only thing is I didn't like asking people to sponsor me as I know money is tight for so many at the moment but everyone has been so generous.
Hope you get to spend some time with your sister xx

mummylin Tue 09-Jul-13 15:30:16

You wouldn't even know she is here. No call, no text nothing ! Again well done to you. In the heat it was a fab achievement.

crazykat Tue 09-Jul-13 21:18:20

Well done biscuits I walked the 5k, there's no way I could have run it never mind 10k. I found it hard to ask for sponsorship as well but it's for a good cause which helped a bit.

The only good thing about knowing we don't have long left with my mum is that I've been able to tell her I love her and take photos as she doesn't like having her picture taken but she knows I'll need them when she's gone. It's one thing I regretted when my nan died suddenly just under two years ago, she also hated her photo taken (so do I, must run in our family). I don't really have many of her apart from a couple of her with my eldest three DCs and from when she was my age.

My mum seems more worried about my DCs, me and my dad and how we will cope than she seems to be about herself. She's asked me to make sure my dad's okay, she knows DH will take care of me. She's scared my DCs won't remember her but there's no way I'll let them forget. I do get sad that DS2 won't have any memories of her as he's only a baby and DD2 isn't yet 3 so she'll forget by the time she's older. In some ways it's good as they won't be hurt as much as DD1 and DS1 but at the same time it makes me unbearably sad at times.

crazykat Tue 09-Jul-13 21:19:02

Wow that's a bit of a rambling essay

crazykat Tue 09-Jul-13 21:19:48

Hope you're all holding up okay and enjoying the sun while it lasts.

mummylin Wed 10-Jul-13 10:01:43

Hello crazykat yours is such a sad story, I don't know how I would of coped with what you are going through. Your mum must be very positive in spite of her diagnosis and this is probably helping to keep her going. Brave lady. Like most mums I expect she will worry about everyone else rather than herself. If she can see that you and your dad will be there for each other it will help her I'm sure. How is your mum coping with this hot weather?
Good for you on doing that long walk. I don't even like walking to the shops !

mummylin Wed 10-Jul-13 10:17:26

Ps dragonfly pic on profile

BiscuitsandBaileys Wed 10-Jul-13 10:49:09

Great post there mummylin Love the dragonfly pic!

crazykat not a rambling essay at all, it's good to get it out and that's what we're here for smile It's good you've had the chance to take lots of photos. Look after yourself xx

crazykat Wed 10-Jul-13 20:09:25

Great pic.

Thanks it helps being able to talk about it, I'm not great at talking face to face about it without having a melt down.

My mum's finding the heat a bit tiring but for the first time in months she's not cold. It's been a bit cooler today which is a nice break from the heat but its due to warm up again towards the weekend.

How's everyone holding up?

likesnowflakesinanocean Wed 10-Jul-13 20:29:09

am glad you are getting to spend time with your mum crazykat, its so special this time. how are you all Kat,mummylin,SSD,t875,biscuits , vlad and anyone else! I'm sorry I have been rather useless posting am quite poorly so tucked in bed already.but can't get comfortable or settle due to stomach pains. been missing mum a lot and feeling down would give anything for a hug and some kind words all I seem to be getting is nagged lol.

mummylin Thu 11-Jul-13 14:09:53

Hi everyone. It's s much nicer day here today, not quite so hot.
I am thrilled because all my mums roses are coming out. At the last minute when we were clearing her house I decided I could not possibly leave her archway and roses behind, so after a struggle dh and my brother dismantled arch and dug up the roses. We planted and it just grew a little bit last year, now the archway is covered and all the roses are coming out, there are so many buds. Very happy. But my bean is still a lone one, so I have some more soaking and I'm going to plant them. this time I won't put them too far down. I have to grow them. But the single bean is growing very nicely grin
Hope you are feeling better snowflakes
Thinking of you all and hoping you are all ok. Hope work is ok t875
biscuits hope you are doing ok too"
crazykat hope your mum is enjoying a bit cooler weather today, I think was too hot to be comfortable earlier in the week.
chickydoo thinking of you, hope you are just taking each day as it comes.
Enjoy each day everyone x

mummylin Sat 13-Jul-13 10:02:54

Oh my god, a little sparrow has just flown in, it crashed into patio doors while trying to get out and was laying on its back. I tried to pick it up and it could not find the way out even though the doors are open, it then flew into my kitchen and I suspect it's now upstairs somewhere. I think it's alright and maybe it can fly out of the bedroom windows ! So this week have had. Stag beetle, big dragonfly and now a little bird ! Will have to go and see where it is but I don't actually like birds flying round my head ! Good job we don't have elephants here !

mummylin Sat 13-Jul-13 12:32:22

Sparrow out safe and sound ! Hope you are all enjoying this sunshine, it does lift your spirits dosent it. T anyone who is feeling down today, I hope things improve for you.

ssd Thu 18-Jul-13 15:00:32

hi again girls, sorry I've been a bit quiet lately. I seen the counsellor from cruse this morning. As it was just a first meeting I filled in a questionnaire and had a little chat. I haven't talked about my mum for so long as soon as I said her name I started crying. But the lady was very nice. She said from the answers on my questionnaire it looked like I would benefit from counselling, but there's a 3 month wait. Still better than nothing. At least I feel I'm trying to get through all this. One thing she did say was it wasn't long since my mum died (10 months). But it honestly feels like another lifetime away for me. She also said me feeling like my mums death brought back my dads death 14 yrs earlier wasn't unusual. Its good someone telling you what you feel is normal. I don't know anyone else who has lost both their parents. The counsellor said she'd lost both parents and it was so different from losing one parent, it made you feel like an orphan. I just feel so alone in the world.

hope you're all doing as best you can, its a long process isn't it.

too warm here today for me, am hiding indoors!

mummylin Thu 18-Jul-13 19:15:26

Hi ssd nice to see you. Glad you found it a bit helpful to discuss things over today. Things just seem to eat you away don't they. I myself have been a bit upset at hearing that a lot of death as occur over the weekends as no consultant in the hospital. This is what happened to my mum, I am now being tortured that if someone had been there she may of lived. Of course I may be wrong and I will never know now, but I wish mum had gone into hospital on Monday . I am trying not to think about it, but it's in the papers and now it's in my head.

Hi, I'm new to this thread. I lost my dad five weeks ago. He died very suddenly and we then had to wait 3 weeks for the funeral, so I feel like its not quite sunk in yet. Finding it all very hard as I'm still on maternity leave and dd is on,y 9 months, and he adored her. I get so upset thinking about what he will miss, and how she'll never experience all the things he had planned for them. I go back to work next month and he was meant to provide childcare along with my step mum and my DM, I have no idea how I'm going to manage going back now (childcare isn't the issue, it's the thought of him not being there). I feel like I'm just becoming such a terrible mum, I've started smoking again (wait til dd is napping then sneak into garden, same as soon as she is in bed) and have been drinking a lot (when she is in bed, or with a sitter, so not in front of dd), and I haven't been to any baby groups since it happened. I know I need to stop this and get on with things but it's so hard sad

mummylin Thu 18-Jul-13 20:37:59

Hello letthemdrinkrose I'm very sorry you are on this thread and my deepest sympathies on your loss. It is a very hard time trying to accept a loved ones loss. It is very difficult to come to terms with. And it seems for you it has also messed up your future plans. There is no easy way to recover really and the grieving can be very difficult.
It is so sad that we have to say goodbye and it hurts to know we can't see them again, I still struggle to think I can't see my mum.
I don't know if you have a lot of support in RL. I hope so. But some of us have found that we have not had the support from people we though would be more supportive. This is where this thread has helped enormously. For people who haven't been through this .its hard for them to understand. I am sure your dad will be a great loss to them , but as your sc get older, you can talk about him to them so that they know him. Please come here for support when you need.

martini84 Sun 21-Jul-13 08:46:50

Hi. I have dipped in and out of this thread with different names over the years. Lost my dad over 20 years ago and my mum just over 2.
It's really weird when you think you are coping and than someone says something which hurts. I had my 3rd child after my mum died so she never got to meet her. That in itself is hard enough.
However yesterday we met some old friends we haven't seen for years and she said "the grandparent's must have been really pleased" she knows dh lost his dad but obviously didn't know about my parents.
I knos she couldn't know but it feels like old wounds have been unintentionally opened.

mummylin Sun 21-Jul-13 12:18:21

Yes, things must still hurt many years after. I suppose it never goes away really. I was at my brothers yesterday and he showed me all the photos of mums flowers. Then the last pictures he took before other people took mums house over. I shed a few tears then. Grief is so awful and it's hard sometimes to know how to deal with it. All we can do is carry on and think of our loved ones often ( which I'm sure we do anyway ) I'm sorry that you felt so hurt by others, even if they didn't intend it

martini84 Sun 21-Jul-13 12:33:07

Thank you mummylim.
ssd I can so relate to my mum's death opening old wounds re dad's death many year before.
I remember sitting on a bus maybe 2 months after my mums death and overheard some grandparen's saying how they wanted to treat their. Gc. Iwas in tears.
I have always found father's day more difficult since her death too.

mummylin Sun 21-Jul-13 16:20:47

I think the special days will always be very upsetting. You think of what they are missing out on. My own sister have birth to twins 3 and a half months after mums death and that is a source of great sadness. Never had twins in our family before either.
I don't know about you. But even though I have adult kids of my own and GC , I miss my mum terribly. My life does not feel right without her here.
And another thing that is upsetting is when I hear someone call out mum in the shops. I can't help thinking how lucky they are to have her.
Birthdays are horrible too( I mean my own ) but to get over this I put a card that I had had from my mum up and it makes me feel she has sent me a new card, I do the same at Xmas time too. A card that says happy Christmas to my daughter. That helps me too. And now one of my brothers is doing the same thing.

martini84 Sun 21-Jul-13 17:41:37

O yes my mum died about a month before my birthday. I was in my mums building sociretythat day sorting out closing her account and opening a new one for probate. The daft girl serving me asked if I was having a nice birthday.
I also got upset because the last present my mum brought for me split and I couldn't get a replacement pair.!

mummylin Sun 21-Jul-13 20:34:29

We will always remember where we were and what we were doing at this awful time in our lives. Like you I was upset when my brother and I went to mums bank. I gave the girl mums Visa card and she sat and cut it in to little bits in front of me. I just sat there and cried and she apologised for being insensitive. Strangely some things I seem to of forgotten. I think I was in a fog . My younger brother and I were executors, but I would never have been able to get through it without him. He did most of the stuff, I just signed stuff when I had to. Can't even remember now what we had to do. So much that I hadn't realised before. I'm luckier. Than you, I do have my last bday gift and I wore it this week ! It's now a treasure

ssd Sun 21-Jul-13 21:07:43

hi girls

funny this talk about birthdays, I was just looking at money wrapped in a paper tissue I put away that my mum gave me nearly a year before she died, I opened it yesterday, I have £10 left in it, but I'm loath to spend it as its the last birthday money she gave to me...she was really old, even then, I had to phone her up on my birthday and ask her did she remember what day it was, she said no so I said its my birthday mum, she felt really bad, but it was just her getting old, although it sort of broke my heart. I've wrote this on here before, last year when mum died it was 2 days before my anniversary and 13 days before my birthday and the only thing I got in the post on my birthday was her funeral bill. But someone said to me not so long ago, maybe that was her trying to send you something, it made me feel better.

there's just so many memories of this time, isn't there and they are all engraved on our memories, we're probably all the same and we'll never forget.

the idea from mummylin of keeping a card from our mums or dads is a great idea, I have a birthday one but not an anniversary one or a Christmas one, I wish I'd thought to keep them but hindsight's a great thing isn't it, and you just cant imagine a life without your mum or dad so you don't think of these things.

I'm sorry for the posters joining this thread, but everyone is very welcome, its a great thread to be on, very supportive and welcoming, and mummylin really knows what to say when you're feeling down, she is one of the most supportive posters I know, she and t875 and some of the other girls have kept me going here! thanks to you all xxx

LucyBabs Sun 21-Jul-13 22:27:34

Hi all.
I have been reading this thread for awhile now.
I am so very sorry that a thread like this needs to exist but it gives great comfort even to me as a lurker.

I have lost both my parents recently.
My Mum 8 months ago and my Dad four months ago.

My Mum was my best friend and life is so bloody dull without her sad

I am really struggling this week.
I need to see and talk to her so much.
The pain is unbearable.
I can't do a thing about it though can I?!

I have two young dc they make life worth living but its bitter sweet, my ds is 20 months old so will not remember my mam and dad. My dd is almost 5 so I'm hoping she will remember them both

So sorry LucyBabs - no words of wisdom here. I lost my mum one month ago tomorrow so I understand the really quite desperate need to see and talk to your mum.

I find throwing things helps....and walking up hills and screaming.

Wish I could help, but only thing I can say is that I know how you feel.

mummylin Sun 21-Jul-13 23:02:27

Hello lucy and branston yes it all hurts like nothing I have ever felt before. As you explained it Lucy. So I feel the same. I found you can go along day by day for a while and not be too bad, then you hear a song, see a favourite flower or just anything that reminds you, and hey presto you are back to square one all over again. I really don't knw the answer but I am constantly told I will "get there " wherever there is !
As I have said before, we can only just go day by day really, eventually there Are more good than bad, but when you do have an off day, I think it's just like a physical ache inside. My Heart has felt really heavy sometimes. The thought of all the years ahead without my mum is just too awful to bear.i am sure you both feel this now and again
ssdthankyou for your lovely words. Hope you ae doing ok. When is your next apt ?

mummylin Sun 21-Jul-13 23:10:30

lucy I just realised you have suffered two losses, oh my god that is awful. I have no answer for that but ssd has lost both parents as well so she will know how you feel. Your poor thing I have no idea how you cope with that. Do you have siblings to support you and good friends. Please post here whenever like, eventually someone will always reply to you.

crazykat Mon 22-Jul-13 20:01:43

Letthemdrinkrose you're not becoming a terrible mum. I fell to pieces after my nan (my second mam) died, I just didn't see the point in cooking cleaning school run etc, but carried on for my DCs. Try not to drink too much as though it may numb the pain for a while in the long run it'll make you feel worse.

Lucy I'm so sorry you have cause to join us especially losing both parents. The only advice I can give is to take it one day, even one hour at a time.

On the subject of cards my nan gave us one for our first anniversary that has a wheel on the front so it can be for any anniversary up to, I think, 60 years. I'm so glad I kept it and get it out every year. I also kept our Christmas and birthday cards from my parents this year and will get them out every year too. DH thinks its a bit soppy but understands it will help me so doesn't moan much about all the cards I've kept.

Hope everyone's doing okay and not too down.

t875 Mon 22-Jul-13 23:06:41

I am so sorry to see all those that have had losses I am so sorry I've not been around working 4 days is a killer! Kids are stressy and its rubbish but I have to do it as its money sad
Huge hugs to you all. It's a very hard time horrendous some days! The void is huge and I hate she isn't here but some days I can't think of that void as it hurts like mad. Hate it. I speak to her no one nothing comes back! Then again if I heard her I think I'd need smelling salts!!

Thinking of you all on the thread! The subjects of cards I have a card written from her but only found a Christmas one got lots of writing from pads though and little bits I know she is chuffed I've kept! My mum was easily pleased and I'm sure she still is.

If anyone wants to chat I can pm easier but I'm trying to jump in where I can. Right with you all. X

ssd Mon 22-Jul-13 23:30:43

lucy, I'm so sorry, losing both your parents within a few months must be overwhelming, that's an awful lot for you to deal with. I can understand you needing your mum, I think most of us here can sympathise with that feeling, I used to sort of do a deal with mum, I'd think "I'll phone you mum and we'll talk but I wont tell anyone, it'll be our secret, I just want to hear your voice", like a barter with heaven, but I never tried, it would have been too heartbreaking as of course she wouldn't have answered. I think when we're desperate we think/try/feel things we cant explain, and we just have to try to live through it and hope the next hour/day is a bit better. Its just too sad for words, I find coming onto this thread helps as we all feel the same, trying to explain it to friends/family who don't feel the same makes me feel lonelier and worse. So I keep it to myself now. mummylin, I'm waiting for cruse to contact me with an appointment, hopefully wont be 3 months like they said! branston, that's still so very raw for you, I think if throwing things and walking up hills and screaming helps then that's what you should do, whatever helps you get through that numb stage you must do it. I'm sorry for you, too.

Isnt it awful girls sad. BUT we're supporting each other, we're all at different stages but we all have sympathy and empathy for each other, a lot more than I have found in real life at times!!!

love and hugs to us all xxx

LucyBabs Tue 23-Jul-13 09:47:42

Thanks girls x

ssd
I can relate to what you said about speaking to people in RL it makes me angry when friends say Ah just think of the good times you had with your Mum she wouldn't want you feeling so down (I know friends mean well) I just want to scream!

They just can't possibly understand how debilitating grief can be, its certainly not something they can help as they've not been through it and i wouldn't wish it on them.

I am taking all your advice and taking each hour as it comes, that seems to help the most.

branston
Screaming sounds like a good release I think I will try that when I get 5 minutes to myself

mummylin Tue 23-Jul-13 10:31:48

lucy we have mostly all found that people we thought would be supportive aren't. Some people seem to think that in a weeks time everything goes back to being normal as though we haven't suffered a great loss. It really does show people up in a bad light. And it can be very hurtful when they repeat the trite phrases which actually mean nothing. The thing is everyone around goes back to their own lives and you are left on your own to grieve. This is where this thread has been so good for us all. We all understand and feel/ felt the same.it is just soul destroying.
crazykat nice to see you again hope you are ok.
ssd hope you don't have to wait so long for your next apt at cruse. Hope you found some consolation when you went last week.
t875 nice to see you too, you must be quite shattered with all the work you are doing , but as you say it's extra cash which is always welcome.
branston I will come and scream with you if you like ! I'm not known for being quiet !
To anyone I haven't mentioned including * biscuits* I hope you are all going day by day and coping ok.

martini84 Tue 23-Jul-13 21:02:54

lucy losing both parents so close together must have been devastating.
I too lost both my parents but many years apart.
In my case because I lost my dad so young losing my mum was a double blow as she was my only parent through most of my adult life.
And yy to people in rl being disappointing. My dh actualy asked me why I was crying on the day of my mums funeral!!
Thinking of everyone.

mummylin Tue 23-Jul-13 22:16:00

Hellomartini isn't it strange how people seem to be so unsympathetic. I have been upset also by my dh being so bloody insensitive at times. I'm shocked that your dh said that on the day of the funeral.my neighbour who had known my mum for years completely ignored it and couldn't even say they were sorry to hear about mums death. And yet my mum knitted for his dd when his wife left him and he had no money, needless to say I have not spoken to him since. Ignorant pig , makes me so mad. Good job we can rant on here !

LucyBabs Wed 24-Jul-13 12:07:11

Thanks Martini
My dp can be so insensitive and again it comes back to him not understanding what I'm going through but I think surely people can imagine what it must be like?

mummylin Like you were saying about people expecting you to be back to normal quickly, dp presumed after a few weeks I was fine but my mood was awful i could barely function. Dp asked me one night if I could think of him and the kids as my moods were having an effect on them hmmm angry

mummylin Wed 24-Jul-13 13:46:32

lucy words fail me sometimes! My dh used my mums little garden trowel and broke it, I was upset about it but he could not understand why . What is the matter with them ?
And another time they were playing " you raise me up on the tele and dh sat there singing along That upset me too as it was one of the songs at mums funeral ! So bloody thoughtless.

StupidMistakes Wed 24-Jul-13 19:56:12

My mum was taken 10 weeks ago today. I miss her so much. More than I ever tell anyone. I can't believe she was gone so quick. Less than a month it took cancer to take the strongest, bravest person I have ever known. She has gone to join my dad who I can't remember, who kept cancer at bay for three months.

mummylin Wed 24-Jul-13 21:40:09

Hellostupidmistakes I am sorry that you have had to join us and very sorry for your loss. It is such a painful experience isn't it. We have all on this thread gone through what you are going through and indeed most of us are still coming to terms with it even though we are all at different stages,what we have in common is that we have lost our loved ones. It is hard to accept when it first happens and hard to contemplate that person not in our lives anymore. I think realising the finality is awful and heartbreaking. You didn't have many weeks to even get used to the idea when your mum was taken so cruely from you, so hard to bear, but you are amongst people who know what you are now going through and you are free to come on here whenever you need, even if you want to rant about something.
Do you have support in RL ? I hope there is .

mummylin Thu 25-Jul-13 12:53:49

"Stop press" I have another bean ! A last. For those of you who don't know the significance of this , I found some runner bean pods amongst my mums garden bits and planted some. I have only had one grow as I planted them to deep , so I planted some more and today I have another one. I was desperate to grow them as its a link to my mum !

officelady Fri 26-Jul-13 05:55:30

It would have been my lovely mum's birthday today. All I can think of is this time last year, I was on holiday with her and we spent the day at the beach then went back to her house in the evening and her friends came over for a BBQ and birthday cake. It was such a lovely happy day, then a few days later she died very suddenly and everything changed. I woke up crying this morning. I need to get up and get ready for work, not sure how I'm going to get through today. I miss her so much sad

mummylin Fri 26-Jul-13 11:14:48

officelady hello and welcome to this thread. Your story is so similar to mine it took my breath away. I had also been on holiday with my mum and she died suddenly after we had been home for 9 days. It was a terrible shock as it was for you. I think birthdays and other days like that are so painful, and you can't help thinking "this time last year" I think it is normal when anyone has suffered a great loss. We can console ourselves that we had that last holiday but I know it doesn't help a lot. I found myself studying all the holiday photos to see if she looked ill etc. but she didn't. She really was well.i hope you get through the day ok, try and think of something nice you did together. It doesn't matter if you cry, that in itself is meant to be healing.

bluestar2 Fri 26-Jul-13 20:30:44

Hi can I join and ask for support. I have read some posts and am so sorry for all the sadness and loss here.

I lost my mum to cancer in may. She was a fabulous woman. She didn't cry once through her illness. She wanted to be strong for everyone else and in her words what she was putting them through due to her smoking. I miss her so much. She hung on to see my second child arrive but then went downhill quickly. I am struggling to make sense of how I am supposed to carry on and live a happy life without her. I still cry for her daily. Sometimes it's more and I feel totally out of control. My wonderful chdren and dh keep me going but only just. How do you pick yourself up? I desperately want some sign from her that she is still here.
Sorry I'm self indulgent tonight I am just starting to so see if I can get through this without professional help and would benefit from an opinion of someone who has been there.

mummylin Fri 26-Jul-13 21:13:31

Hello bluestar sorry to have yet another person joining this thread. I am so glad your mum lived to see your new child. I hope you have photos of that special time. It is only a matter of weeks since you lost your mum so it's very early days. What you are feeling is normal and will be for quite a while. There is no easy way to get through this very sad time. But eventually you will find the times between your bouts of tears will get longer. Recovery will take a long time. I am now 20 months on from you and now and again I still feel like it happened last week. Somehow we seem to get through it. But you need support. Have you supportive family and friends ? I expect for you at the moment it's like a physical pain. This too will get better in time. It's a long process . But we are all here for you and understand.

bluestar2 Fri 26-Jul-13 23:01:40

Thank you mummylin for your reply. I can't imagine how hard it has been to get to the 20 month point. I know people say first birthdays christmass etc are the worst but I can't imagine it ever feeling better at this stage.

I do have so e wonderful photos which I intent to frame etc but I have only looked at the once and am struggling to have them on walls for fear of crumbling constantly. I will get there with that but right now all I can see is the future the children have lost and its so sad as she adored them. To think it used to drive me crazy that she was the first to mAke my eldest giggle and for a good while was the only one who could.

My dh is wonderful and amazingly supportive. I worry he will one day get sick of me. Unfortunately there a big family issues surrounding a sibling and his behaviour. I am distancing myself as the stress he causes has me a nervous wreck when he is about. My dad falls on his side despite every family member telling him the truth. I went to the doctors abt 4 weeks after for something unrelated but ended up balling my eyes out. His first response was ad's which I said no too. I felt it was just too soon and what I was feeling was normal. I think he was concerned because of the pnd risk. I don't feel that is a risk but wonder if I should go back now? Do meds help? Would rather avoid if I can as I dont really like taking medication full stop. Thank you for listening I feel a bit better even just writing things down.

mummylin Sat 27-Jul-13 00:32:21

I cant answer about medication because I haven't had this problem. I would say that if you feel you really can't cope with things then do go back to your doctor and see what he advises. It may be you need something just short term. See how you feel and then decide.
It has been difficult at times and as you say def at special times. The first time for me was New Year's Eve without her. I always phoned her at midnight but this time she wasn't there. I made dh go out and stayed home on my own and just sobbed. Birthday. Christmas , Mother's Day , they are all awful days but we can't avoid them.
Glad you have a supportive dh. Shame about your sibling but most families have some problems and times
Like bereavement seems to bring out the worst in some people. You aren't alone in that. Several on this thread have similar things. You don't have to put the photos up right away , wait until you feel you can face it, no point in putting yourself through more stress for now.

officelady Sat 27-Jul-13 05:52:09

mummylin thank you for the welcome and it is very reassuring that I am not going through this alone, but sad that there are so many of us grieving for a parent. I am so sorry that your mum died in similar circumstances to mine - to be honest I don't think I will ever get over the shock and just the general horror of the night that she died (I was still staying at her house with my children and had to calm my dad down and sort the kids out and do CPR etc whilst waiting for an ambulance to arrive). I felt so unprepared to deal with any of it and normally I am quite a 'together' person.
I went into work yesterday but came home at lunchtime, I am doing flexible hours at the moment because it's the school hols so it wasn't a big issue, I was on the verge of tears for most of the morning and didn't want to explain why to my colleagues, so I made an excuse about wanting to do something with the kids in the afternoon and trotted off home for a good indulgent cry. Felt loads better afterwards! I had a look through some photos of my mum from our last holiday together and thought about all the fun and laughter we had shared which was helpful and I have had a good night's sleep (although don't ask me why I'm up at 5am confused
bluestar2 hello and welcome. You asked how you pick yourself up - well, your mum only died a very short time ago so remember it is still very early days for you. There is no time limit on how long you are supposed to grieve for, speaking for myself - almost a year later I still have moments of utter despair but they get fewer and further between. The first few months after mum died I was absolutely overwhelmed with sadness but it does get better. I'm not sure about medication because that is not something I would consider (don't really do going to the doctors!). Some of my friends who have lost someone close to them have been to counselling but they have had mixed results - some found it incredibly helpful but others not so much. So that might be something worth investigating if you would like to try professional help but not drugs smile

bluestar2 Sat 27-Jul-13 09:56:01

Thank you office lady I'm glad you are able to leave work if necessary. That feeling of impending tears is awful when you feel you can't. Comfort from memories and pictures is something I hope to get with time. I so sorry your mum died in such circumstances it much have been a terrible shock to find yourself deali g with it.

I don't really want medication I have toyed with the idea of counselling but I find it hard to open up to people. It took me a lot to post on here tbh. I know that sounds silly. Right now I am trying to keep busy and enjoy my dcs before I return to work soon. Thank you for your advice and sharing you experience and opinion.

t875 Sat 27-Jul-13 11:55:21

Really pleased to see you have a bean mummylin!! I know this meant a lot to you and funnily enough it has done to me to have you get one smile I think someone gave it a helping hand as they also knew how much it meant to you possibly smile

The new posters that have lost blue star and office lady it all is so very hard at the beginning raw as hell it still is some days. I did and still do take comfort from my spiritual beliefs that she is still with me had lots of signs and messages to prove this ( to me) but some days it's not enough and want her physically. I do special things, I brought her things still. I talk to her as i believe she can hear me and I also feel her around me. Can't explain that one I'm afraid I just feel a huge warmth.
But I miss her like crazy and same as mummylin there was nothing wrong with her massive stroke took her in her sleep. I've slowly adjusted my days to her not being here but I hate it and wish she was here too.
Talk to us anytime. Hugs to you all who needs it xx

t875 Sat 27-Jul-13 11:57:29

Hi to biscuits ( not forgotten you bear with me x) ssd hope your going along ok, snow flake, galaxy, and anyone I may have missed. My brains fried from working too much!! X

mummylin Sat 27-Jul-13 12:37:59

Hi [t875] yes I too am thrilled with my new bean !!!
officelady I too feel I will never ever recover from the shock of mums death. It was so unexpected and it may be this which is holding me back from any kind of recovery. I go over and over it in my mind, I go from being angry that hospital didnt save her, to so sad she isn't here, then I get upset thinking if she was scared or in any pain. It fluctuates between. One thing or another. My siblings seem to be coping ok, but I am the one she saw nearly every day as the others were at work. I am the one she shared a hotel room with on all our holidays. I just miss her so much and the thought of life without her is sometimes unbearable. Other times I can cope, but often my mind just won't let it go.
bluestar you can always think about counselling at a later date even if its not for you at this time. I have found this thread is therapeutic for me, so many people in RL expect you to be ok in a short space of time and that just isn the case. Then you are almost afraid to say anything, so if someone asks how you are we just say " oh I'm fine thanks * when in reality we aren't. But it's only people who have lost their parent who really understand. One day I expect acceptance will come for all of us, we won't be happy about it but we will learn to live with it without getting these feelings of despair. Until then we can all help each other.

Badvoc Sat 27-Jul-13 22:32:49

My beloved dad died auddenly today at 2pm.
And I don't know what to do,
What are supposed to do without your dad?

mummylin Sat 27-Jul-13 22:37:43

Oh badvoc I am so sorry to hear that. It's a terrible shock isn't it and I expect you are in a state of utter disbelief that this has happened. It's as though none of it is real. But sadly it is and it's awful. There will be a few things to be sorted in the next few days and if you are the one who will arrange things this will give you something to concentrate on for some of the time. I hope you have supportive friends and family. You will need them now. I am so terribly sorry, I know how painful the early days are, if we can help you in any way we will

mummylin Sat 27-Jul-13 22:39:27

Do you want to talk about your dear dad, what he was like , or what he enjoyed. Don't worry if that's not what you need right now.

Badvoc Sat 27-Jul-13 22:40:40

I'm just numb.
We were at a hotel for a family wedding and my mum called me from their room hysterical as dad had collapsed.
My dh and I (and a hotel staff member) did CPR til the ambulance crew arrived but I think I knew he was gone.
He had no pulse when I got to their room which was only about 30 seconds after mum phoned me.
We have had to leave him their and come home.
He is all alone.
My poor mother.
They were married for 42 years.
I don't know what to do.

Badvoc Sat 27-Jul-13 22:42:29

He was lovely. Just lovely. He was kind and funny and I am broken.
He lived for his family and leaves behind my mum, me, my brother and sister and 5 grandchildren.
I have to tell my 2 sons tomorrow that their pop is gone.
How the hell do I do that?
My poor sister is on holiday and flying back tomorrow.

mummylin Sat 27-Jul-13 22:54:42

What a terrible shock for you all. It's awful when a death is sudden and unexpected. I had this too when my mum died. What A sad thing to happen when it should of been such a happy day of celebration. Is your mum with you ? Is your brother local as well. You will all need each other for now. The only way I could deal with mums death was to be glad she wasnt ill and suffering for months. But this dosent help much when it first happens. Has your dad said he was feeling ill or anything, has he had trouble with his heart previously.
You poor things to of had this happen out of the blue. And your poor mum, after all those years together, she must be distraught.

mummylin Sat 27-Jul-13 23:15:01

Do try and get some sleep tonight, even if sleep dosent come you can rest just by being in bed. You may be mentally exhausted so sleep will come for you.i don't know how you will tell your two boys, they will be upset I am sure but children seem to cope with these things far better than adults. Don't be afraid to let them see you are upset. It's fine to cry. Good luck with that and anything we can help you with feel free to ask any of us. Sending you strength for the next few awful days.

Badvoc Sun 28-Jul-13 09:00:46

Oh god, oh god.
Last night My mum was rushed to hospital with a heart attack too.
We left her at 6am and the nurse just rang me - they are taking her down to the cath lab for an angiogram now.
My fil is coming to take me in...dh is far too tired to drive.
I don't think I can do this....

Badvoc Sun 28-Jul-13 09:01:23

My sister is getting back tonight at midnight.
My mum doesn't want me to tell her.
I don't know what to do.

mummylin Sun 28-Jul-13 10:39:58

Oh my god your poor poor mum. It was probably the shock of your dad. What a truly awful time your family is going through. I hope your mum recovers well. As regards your sister there really isn't a lot to gain by telling her while she is on route to get home. There is nothing she can do until she gets there. Be strong if you can . I am very sorry to see this further news.
Please let us know when you have news about your mum if you have the time. Will be thinking of you.

mummylin Sun 28-Jul-13 10:43:57

You will surprise yourself At what you can do in times of so much stress. It sounds a bit silly but so make sure you eat properly. You need to keep yourself well at the moment. If you can't face a whole meal at least have a snack of some sort. What a shocking thing to of happened. Is your brother able to be with you ?

likesnowflakesinanocean Sun 28-Jul-13 11:40:48

wanted to pop on to echo mummylins word, you will suprise yourself with what you can do whilst you are in the fuzz of grief but try to take time to eat and drink. your sister will be there soon to support you and help you stay strong and support your mum. wishing her all the good luck vibes i can muster up. x

Badvoc Sun 28-Jul-13 12:16:56

Thank you all
Mum is ok.
There was no blockage so no stents needed.
She is pretty perky considering.
She has had a massive heart attack which they are treating medically.
My brother is going in at 2pm.
Not sure if I am going back in today...will see how mum feels.
They gave her a sedative for the proceedure.
My cousin is coming round at 1pm.
Then I have to tell my children.
I don't know what to say.

glad that your mum is being treated well and looked after. how old are your children badvoc? I made sure i told ds myself as i didnt want anyone else too but he was only 5 at the time.

mummylin Sun 28-Jul-13 12:23:16

I don't know what you would say to children I have never been in that position. I suppose you tell them in simple terms, none of the medical details. They don't need to know that, but how you do it I have no clue. So glad to see that your mum is doing ok. That's a relief for you at least. How lives can change in such a short time. Your family has had the most horrible 24 hrs possible I would think. Did you manage to get some sleep last night ?

Badvoc Sun 28-Jul-13 12:32:57

No I didn't sadly. A car over the road has a dodgy alarm and it was going off pretty constantly.
My sons are 10 and 4.

when i told ds i went up to his room shortly after he woke up before he came down so we could be away from everything. I told him that i had some sad news and that it was okay for us to cry and feel angry. That he knew his nanna had been poorly for a long time and that she had died the night before. I didnt tell him any details other than that as he knew that she was poorly and it was enough. I didnt think that he would understand or react but he really sobbed so be prepared for a different reaction to what you are expecting. he cried for a good while and i carried him downstairs we just spent a quiet morning between us alternating between talking about nice memories and crying. i have to admit to being totally shocked that he understood the gravity of the situation but then he had seen her at some very low points.

mummylin Sun 28-Jul-13 13:17:34

The eldest will understand I'm sure , the youngest wont so you may have to break the news differently. Good luck.

bluestar2 Sun 28-Jul-13 20:04:47

Badvoc I am so sorry for you and your family. I hope your Mum is improving and glad they can treat it medically. Your head must be completely spinning right now and of course you will be supporting your Mum through her loss but dont forget to look after yourself. Its so easy to go on autopilot.

My ds was 3 1/2 when my Mum died. She had cancer and he had seen her through every stage of treatment. He didnt understand she was poorly and never passed comment on her hair loss of scarfs. We old him Nanny had been very poorly and sometimes our bodys cant get better and Nannys couldnt. We told him she had died and had gone to heaven and is way up high in the sky always watching and looking after him. That did confuse him a little because he kept looking for her in the sky saying I cant see her but did get the idea she could see him but not him her. We told him it was ok to miss her and get upset or cry. Beyond that we didnt tell him anything else. He still talks about his Nanny and will sometimes draw a picture for her and I try to talk to him about her as much as I can in a positive way and he was a real Nannys boy. You know your childrens comprehension best and what explanation they will understand so trust your instincts.

Mummylin thank you again for your advice. I think I will stick with this forum rather than counselling at this stage. Although I am sad when I am writing I hope that by facing it rather than stuffing it away it will get easier. I can totally relate to you just wanting to be alone on New Years Eve. So much changes and is never the same again. Its so daunting.

Badvoc Sun 28-Jul-13 20:45:56

Thank you.
My youngest didn't really take it in as expected but my eldest was very very upset. Cried a lot.
I think he will be in bed with me tonight.
I don't think my youngest will remember dad, and that breaks my heart.

mummylin Sun 28-Jul-13 20:53:27

Yes it is dauntingbluestar but we have no option but to carry on even when our hearts are broken. But it s so difficult sometimes, its hard to do some things when we don't remotely feel like it, exchange pleasantries with people when all we want to is to be left alone.We can all put a front on, but for people who have lost someone very close, inside our hearts are broken. But with a lot of understanding and a helping hand eventually we will all get on with our lives, although we can never forget. What I would like go know is when ! I am 20 months on and still everything revolves around my mum. Her flowers are growing in my garden, my friend is using my mums wool to make cardigans for a children's hospice shop and all the time I'm thinking " this would please mum" I was very upset when my younger sister died at 26 but this, it's so much worse than I ever imagined.

mummylin Sun 28-Jul-13 20:56:04

You can keep your dad alive in your sons memory by showing him photos and talking of him often. Telling your ds what his grandad liked to do, what job he did , what funny things happened. I am sure you have had an awful day but not long till your sister will arrive and that will help. How is your mum doing ?

Badvoc Sun 28-Jul-13 21:29:44

Mum seems ok (as ok as she can be)
They are very strict on coronary care and won't let us stay with her sad
My pils were here earlier. And my cousin and aunt. It's so strange. I can't talk about him in the past tense.
We have been sharing funny stories which was lovely.
He was such a wonderful man. He has left a hole that can never be filled.

mummylin Sun 28-Jul-13 22:06:15

I understand that feeling. But crikey it's only a little over a day, you are probably still in shock and besides that there. Is such sadness too. I could not believe it for weeks, even though I knew it had happened. It was such a strange time, and I think the worst in my life. Look after yourself as well as your children and dh. Glad your mum is doing ok.

mummylin Mon 29-Jul-13 00:33:40

badvoc I hope your sister has arrived safely. Thinking about you all at this very sad time. Hope there is more improvement from your mum tomorrow ( oh I mean today as its gone midnight )

Badvoc Mon 29-Jul-13 01:02:49

Hi mummylin.
Just spoken to my sister...she is devastated. But she is home, thank god.
I will see her later in today. She is going to see mum in the morning at the hospital.
Thank you for your kind words....I am lost.

mrsdinklage Mon 29-Jul-13 01:12:56

Badvoc - I'm so sorry, this is so sad. flowers
Just to let you know my dd was very young when my df died - and she still has very fond memories of him.
Thinking of you and all your family at this very sad time x

Badvoc Mon 29-Jul-13 01:17:39

Thank you.
I have to phone the hospital and funeral directors tomorrow morning.
I am going to try and get a nice photo of dad for the boys and frame it.
I miss him sad

mrsdinklage Mon 29-Jul-13 01:33:51

Badvoc - of course you miss him
Here - I'm sending you some strength for tomorrow x
yy to the photo - hopefully a lovely smiley one - maybe one with your boys on.

mummylin Mon 29-Jul-13 12:19:50

Thinking of you badvoc hope you cope today and hoping for good news about your mum. Now you have your sister you can help each other. Thinking of you

martini84 Mon 29-Jul-13 13:05:16

So sorry to those joining with recent losses.
I am back as i am feeling like a bad person. My dad passed away way befoore i had children. My mum died before i had my youngest.
Yesterday we found out my sil is pregnant. I am so thrilled for her. They had been trying for 4 years.
Yet i am feelings pangs of jealousy. Her baby will have 3 doting grandparents.
Mil is so excited and has already said she will have baby 1 day a week. They live close by and obv she is going to spend more time with her lo as they are extremely close.
Sorry to post when others here have much greater things to deal with.
Just feeling sad.

martini84 Mon 29-Jul-13 13:06:56

Hope your mum is improving. badvoc

mummylin Mon 29-Jul-13 13:40:16

Hi martini you are not a bad person for thinking like that at all. It's normal I think to wish that your own children could have all their grandparents, and you will always think about your children will be missing. It's a natural reaction I think, we would all think the same. It just brings home to us what we have lost.

Badvoc Mon 29-Jul-13 18:22:29

Mum may be home tomorrow best case scenario.
I wish I could tell you all how wonderful he was.
We are starting to think about funeral stuff and I remembered we used to joke about it.
He said he wanted a Viking funeral!
Not sure I can pull that off tbh.
Can't believe he's gone.

mummylin Mon 29-Jul-13 18:54:52

Good news about your mum, she will have to take it easy. It is such early days for you and it does take a while for it to sink in. It just seems so hard that someone is here one minute then gone. Thankfully you have lots of happy memories and its these memories that will keep you going in the future. Did you manage to get things sorted today ? It's a horrible job isn't it

Badvoc Mon 29-Jul-13 20:06:54

Oh it is mummylin. Horrible.
Going through his work phone and deleting all the family/private numbers.
I phoned the hotel today and thanked them for all their help. They really were amazing. I keep thinking of that poor girl who helped us give CPR.
She must only have been 18.
I can't speak to people without crying.
The lady at the funeral directors was very nice too.
We have started to think about what we will do for the funeral. I will jot down some of the music he loved and hymns etc.
It seems so surreal to be planning my dads funeral.

Badvoc Mon 29-Jul-13 20:07:32

I am limiting visitors to mum when she gets home....family ONLY.
She needs rest.

martini84 Mon 29-Jul-13 20:20:47

Thank youmummylin

mummylin Mon 29-Jul-13 20:40:02

It is a very hard and difficult time for you all and with the added worry of your mum, you must be stressed to the hilt. Funeral directors can be very helpful and usually will help you with whatever you decide you want, like finding any music that was relevant to your dad etc, they mostly will see tp newspaper announcements too, but I think it better to do that yourselves as FD will bump up charges for that. Good idea to restrict visitors. It would be too much for your mum to have lots of people around. She needs to grieve and get well too.

you sound like you are coping as best as you can be badvoc, its a horrible task. i was practically silent when the vicar came to mums house to speak to us. its so strange and i kept taking myself away from the situation like i was looking in thinking is this really happening?

officelady Tue 30-Jul-13 10:46:17

That comment really resonates with me, supermariosister. In the days after mum died, the whole rigmarole and organising of things seemed like an out of body experience. The day of the funeral in particular, was completely surreal and I felt very detached from it all. It's almost as if it was too much for my brain to acknowledge that it was really happening.

mummylin Tue 30-Jul-13 11:35:30

I think it's natures way of helping us get through that awful day. Although I sobbed all the way through the actual service. Once it was over I felt as though a big weight had gone off of me of course this feeling dosent last long. But surrounded by people helped such a lot in the hours after the funeral
badvoc hope it's good news for you regarding your mum coming home

t875 Tue 30-Jul-13 13:27:45

Thinking of you all on the thread that have just joined.

Hope badhavoc your mum comes out of hospital.

I'm with mummylin it is an immensely sad day but you get/ find strength to get through it. We're be right with you.

Hugs to you and to all who need it.

Tough time for me.
We are going on holiday going without my mum and just my dad is gonna kill me. I cried my eyes out last night wanting to chat like we would about what we are taking. It's shit and so not far! I'm so struggling at the moment.
Wasn't going away but guess we have too. Only a long w end but to even think of it wrenches my heart sad

Badvoc Tue 30-Jul-13 13:47:45

I'm very sorry for your loss t875.
Mum is home. She is very tearful but we of course came home to cards and flowers and its so hard.
People are being so kind.
The registrar is letting my cousin (who works down there) register dads death which is a big help.
We now have a cause of death. Coronary artery thrombus (clot). Due to to coronary artery schlerosis.
I hope that means it was quick.
I am going to talk to mums go tomorrow as she needs to speak to someone about dads death and his last moments.
I feel like I am behind a a wall of glass watching everyone else get on with their lives.
Very tearful today.

mummylin Tue 30-Jul-13 16:16:42

t875 I utterly understand how you feel. The only way I could cope with going on holiday was to go somewhere that we had never been with mum. But I have to admit, I took a photo of her with me and propped it up on my bedside table ! My dh thought I was a bit mad, but it made me feel like she was with us.
badvoc what an immensely sorrowful time for your mum. I expect she can't make head or tail of the last few days. Such a lot of sadness when only last week things were so normal.
I guess she is staying with you ? Poor soul, I really feel for her. Well for all of you , but for your mum especially as she has been with your dad for so long.im glad you have been spared having to go and register the death, that is harrowing in itself.
ssd hope you are ok ?
To everyone , sending you strength to cope , especially to the newcomers on this thread who will be feeling so raw

Badvoc Tue 30-Jul-13 17:57:29

We are taking turns staying with her mummylin.
At least for now.
If she wants to come and stay with any of us she can...we all have spare rooms.

mummylin Tue 30-Jul-13 19:28:01

Oh I see, maybe be better for her to be among her familiar things, I expect she s feeling so lost. Glad she has you and your siblings looking out for her. But how has your day been?

allthingspossible Tue 30-Jul-13 19:42:10

Hello, may I join you all please?. My Dad died on May 28th this year. His quality of life had declined over the last couple of years due to Parkinsons, but he eventually succumbed to pneumonia. Myself and my sisters were with him constantly the last 3 days of his life in hospital. It was a profound experience, but a privilege to be there for him. I actually started reading this thread many weeks ago but feel ready to post now. 'Tis a lovely thread x.

mummylin Tue 30-Jul-13 20:35:28

Hello allthings welcome to ths thread. It sounds .like you were very supportive to your dad in his final days, I am sure it bought him comfort that you were there. How have you been coping over the last few weeks ? Did it help to come to terms with his death that you were there ? I am glad you now feel able to post here. It's a very resssuring thread for all of us who sadly are on here.

allthingspossible Tue 30-Jul-13 23:03:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummylin Tue 30-Jul-13 23:32:23

I too hate Sundays as its the day I lost my mum. Families are so complicated aren't they. I think out of all my siblings I have felt it the most, mum would pop in nearly every day. They were all back to work and my only living sister was expecting twins and dosent live here. It's all very upsetting and it's hard to deal with it. It is not that long since you lost your dad, so you are bound to feel it very deeply at the moment. You may of been off all over the place but you were then when he needed you, that is the important thing, he would not begrudge you the life you chose I'm sure. It's good job you have your children, that makes you do things that you otherwise wouldn't be bothered to.
Some people seem to be very unemotional, don't understand it myself. I can be hard as nails and swear like a trooper, but I can also feel things very deeply and have empathy for others.

allthingspossible Wed 31-Jul-13 00:01:15

Thankyou Mummylin. Words fail me at the moment, but thank you x

mummylin Wed 31-Jul-13 00:27:38

There is usually someone around on here but if not you will get answered very soon . If you need to rant about anything you can do that on here too ! Most of us have needed to have a moan about something / someone !

allthingspossible Wed 31-Jul-13 00:54:37

Thank you, 'Tis ok. I just had my very first no children eve since my dad died and have been letting loose with my emotions! I didn't realise how much I was holding in, my goodness! Hope I haven't put anyone off posting, I am not normally this ranty! Bed for me now. X

mummylin Wed 31-Jul-13 00:56:31

No you won't put anyone off posting ! Goodnight

Badvoc Wed 31-Jul-13 07:31:37

I am not sure how I am tbh mummylin.
Today will be hard.
I am seeing mums gp to the and arrange a home visit and we have a meeting with the funeral director later.
My cousin is registering dads death this afternoon.
How can this be happening?
How?

mummylin Wed 31-Jul-13 13:24:32

It's like you are in a dreamlike state and its so hard to comprehend that it has really happened. An utter shock and almost unbelievable. We all go through the motions of what we have to do, but it still doesn't seem real. And even the different people we have to see. To them it's just a job and don't seem to realise how painful it is for the family to have to be doing all these thing. How is your mum today ?

Badvoc Wed 31-Jul-13 13:37:05

I went to ask the gp to call in on her. Gp should be there now. She wants to discuss dads final moments. Also her discharge lakers are quite confusing. They said her angiogram was normal but the paperwork dates it was abnormal (?)
I am at home with my dc prior to the meeting with the funeral director at 3pm.
I rang the bank this morning as mum was getting worked up about it, and they were very helpful.
My bil is dealing with accommodation for relatives from overseas and the wake.
My friend who is a CM will look after the boys for me whilst we are at the funeral and then they will come to the wake.
A co worker of my dad came to the door this morning with a card. It's hard seei big butch grown men weep.
My dad meant so much to so many.
I am bereft.

mummylin Wed 31-Jul-13 14:13:03

Yes it is sad. The whole process is heartbreaking. I have all my cards for mum in a photo album. Along with the notices from the newspapers and photos of her flowers. I would check out what they actually mean about your mum. Good luck with funeral director, they are normally very kind and sympathetic and will try and do everything you request. They will see to the order of service leaflets if you want them to and make sure they have the music you request.

Badvoc Wed 31-Jul-13 14:15:37

That's a nice idea mummylin.
I haven't seen my bil yet....will be seeing him at mums soon. That will be hard too.
We don't have a local newspaper but the announcement goes in the window of the funeral director and church notice board.
I have just realised I have not said how sorry I am for the loss of your mum x

mummylin Wed 31-Jul-13 14:29:58

Another thing you can do if you like to keep mementos, is to take a flower from the tribute and press it to keep. I did this too. Thanks for your thoughts.

ssd Wed 31-Jul-13 16:23:23

I'm so sorry for the posters who have had to join us here sad, I'm reading all the above posts and nodding to every one...I can understand so many of the feelings described..mummylin as always you replied with exactly what I wanted to say (and hear)..

hugs for us all xx

mummylin Wed 31-Jul-13 16:59:26

Hellossd nice to see you . Are you doing ok, have you been back to cruse yet ?

ssd Wed 31-Jul-13 17:22:58

no not yet, I'm waiting for them to contact me, they said there was a big waiting list.

am doing not bad, its the fourth week of the school holidays here and its staring to get boring for me, the kids are out all day and I'm home alone! Its really ironic, the is the first summer ever I would have been able to pop over to see my mum without having to arrange a babysitter, and she's not here. Someone up there is having a laugh at my expense!!

how are you doing, anymore bean shoots yet?

Badvoc Wed 31-Jul-13 18:16:15

So....got to wait until tomorrow to find out what dates are available.
It will be a long wait for the crematorium I think.
Have made decisions re hymns, music etc.
My husband had said he will do the eulogy.
Ssd...I am sorry for your loss x

mummylin Wed 31-Jul-13 19:43:05

Yes ssdi now have two beans ! Hope you don't have to wait too long for your next apt
badvoc at least you have made a start. Is it extremely busy on your Area and that is why you will have to wait a while ? What wait are you expecting ?

Badvoc Wed 31-Jul-13 20:57:55

The funeral director said 1.5/2 weeks.

we had a two week wait due to the hospital overruling that an autopsy be carried out. the worst time was the waiting once all the jobs had been sorted. we are here though badvoc whenever you want to chat xxx

mummser Thu 01-Aug-13 10:46:25

Still can't really believe that I'm writing this but my beautiful little girl was born almost 5 weeks ago on a Friday morning, my mum was with me throughout the birth along with my husband. I couldn't have done it without her, she was amazing. The next morning she passed away in her sleep, she was only 55. I am totally devastated and struggling to believe it. It's my first baby and i feel totally lost without her, I thought she would be here to help me every step of the with her advice and motherly love. I am so glad she met my daughter and helped bring her into he world but feel cheated that she was taking away so young. I am gutted at everything she will miss with us, I can't stop thinking about all the things she won't get to see or so with me and my daughter, she would have been an amazing gran to her. So many people have said that it will get easier with time but so many times a day I breakdown and just want my mum, it's so hard. I put on a brave face for my little girl and she is helping me each day. I just wanted to know from others who have experienced the loss of their mum when it gets easier?

Xx

firstly so sorry to hear of the loss of your mum, they leave a msssive hole and you have a young daughter too. im so glad that your mum was by your side and met your beautiful girl im sure she was thrilled to be a part of that special moment. I am almost 9 months on my from my mums death, she was 45. i can tell you that it does get easier and you dont have that gut wrenching feeling as often. I still get very upset at times and like you i feel cheated that she wont see her grandchildren grow up ( Nphw was just 2, ds was 5) but you will be happy again, its just a different kind of happy. it is very early days and with a new baby too. be kind to yourself and pm me if you need or post on here.

mummylin Thu 01-Aug-13 11:14:46

mummser I can't tell ou when it will get better for ou but I can tell you that 21 months after my mums death it dosent get much easier. The times between years gets longer though. It is the most awful thing and I'm very sorry you have had to come on this thread.
I am happy to see that your mum got to meet your dd. that ,use be a bit of a comfort for you.grief affects us all differently. Some people will be able to carry on after a short time , others will take much longer, grief has no guidelines.
Your mum is still here in part as your dd is carrying her bloodline. I hope you have supportive friends and family around you.
You are still at the beginning when everything seems to be so unreal and it's hard to process what has happened.
I know we will all start to feel better eventually, I just don't know the answer as to when. Hope this thread can help you to cope.

Badvoc Thu 01-Aug-13 12:35:58

Oh mummser...I am so very sorry for your loss.
I can on,y tell you that I am trying to cling to the crumbs of comfort that I can.
My dad didn't suffer, it was quick, we were all with him.
Your mum got to see her grand daughter born and was with you through your birth.
Cling onto that.
X

mummylin Thu 01-Aug-13 14:51:51

Hello badvoc hope you now have a date pencilled in, That will be one task done, there is such a lot to do at this time How is your mum today. Recovering well I hope. Did you sort put if her results were Normal
/ abnormal ?

Badvoc Thu 01-Aug-13 15:39:12

The gp discussed it with her and I think she is happier. She is back at clinic in 2/3 months anyway so I will discuss with her consultant then.
I have ordered her a pill box...she has a lot of pills now!!
Date sorted.
Service more or less sorted.
Flowers, orders of service and Headstone picked.
What an awful, awful day.

Haribo199 Thu 01-Aug-13 18:52:18

I hope you don't mind me joining your group.
I lost my wonderful dad on the 19 June. I feel so lost and lonely.
Friends are kind but don't really know what to say when I talk about him. I've known for the best part of 2years that he would die from his cancer but it still shocked us all by his sudden decline. He was my friend and spent so much time with me and the kids. The school holidays are so hard without him.

t875 Thu 01-Aug-13 19:18:08

Mummser - I abosolutely felt every bit you wrote I lost my mum in her sleep at 65 I couldn't imagine at 55 can I ask if it was a stroke? My mums was a massive stroke.

I still feel cheated and gutted now after a year and a couple of months. And it has got a little easier but I take the comfort i believe she is around me / us but some days it's just not enough. I do talk to her as I believe she can hear but I feel very sad at times too and it knocks me side ways when I feel the void.

I so remember how horrendous it was the early part
It must be even harder with your new born.
Take each minute, hour, day slowly. Hugs to you xx

t875 Thu 01-Aug-13 19:27:07

Haribo199 hello to you.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It's awful and a massively hard time. We are here for you. If it helps you talk about your dad or plant a plant or have a special area you can put special things of his. I know this helped with me for my mum

Such a hard time.

Thinking of you. Hugs to you xx

Badvoc - glad things are going along the best they can I honestly couldn't imagine it with my dad bad enough with my mum and her funeral.

Take care.. Hugs xx

I also want to say to the new posters who have had losses
There is the bereavement group called CRUSE if you have a bad time and really struggling They have a generic number to call. I have found these Very helpful in my first year and I had 4 sessions with them. Absolutely amazing. My angel she was.

Hope everyone else is. Ssd I will pm you tonight xx

mummylin Thu 01-Aug-13 19:33:19

So sorry haribo that you have joined us on this thread. We are all here for the same reason so if we can help in anyway or just as a few shoulders we are here for you.

Badvoc Thu 01-Aug-13 19:43:47

I am sorry for your loss haribo

t875 Thu 01-Aug-13 21:02:54

Well the holiday is on us and my god that emptiness of life is hitting me bad.

Don't honestly know how ill get through this holiday. I will take a candle and light it and take a picture. I'm emmensly sad though she isn't here with us sad

Badvoc Thu 01-Aug-13 21:22:04

Oh t875 I wish there was something I could say....
Did your mum enjoy holidays? What did she like to do? Perhaps you could do a day trip in her memory?
The sadness is all consuming for me at the moment.
And I keep remembering the simple truth....that grief is the price we pay for love.
X

t875 Fri 02-Aug-13 00:09:56

Thanks bad havoc.
Yeah I guess we're definitely have fish and chips! And ill have some private times with her having a chat and ill buy her something for her shelf here. Ill also buy a soft toy as she loved soft toys and she loved bingo so might well do that!
Thank you. We are all right with you and post anytime and be around people that support you. Pick and choose who and what you do. I thought I had loads of best friends I realise now I have 3 real soul mates. But I have met great friends through this thread too. My word it's helped to know to come here cry, vent, talk.

Hasn't been too bad tonight. Moments but gotta get there yet Thatl be hard. Xx

mummylin Fri 02-Aug-13 00:40:50

t875 you will get through it, your mum will be on your shoulder. As you said , bring home something to put on her shelf. You will be fine, maybe a bit sad but you will cope. Thinking of you.
Thinking of you all going through this rough experience, but together we will all cope.

t875 Fri 02-Aug-13 08:12:07

Thanks mummylin your right, I will. We didn't get away last year and we've been through hell and back we all need this holiday. Albeit a few days! We're going somewhere where she's never been too as couldn't go where my mum had been. Hope are you going along ok Hun? X

mummylin Fri 02-Aug-13 09:10:28

Yes I'm ok and like you we also went somewhere that we hadn't been with mum. I don't think I could go back to "our* places. Have a great holiday and try and get some rest in.

Badvoc Fri 02-Aug-13 12:28:05

Had a Meeting with the vicar this morning to discuss the service.
My brother is phoning insurance companies etc so that's a job I don't have to do.
I am staying at mums tonight so won't get much sleep, but I am planning on going back to bed this afternoon and sending dh off to do the grocery shop!
Next week will be very strange as most things are done.
It's just a case of waiting now.

mummylin Fri 02-Aug-13 16:44:31

The time in between is horrible once everything has been sorted, your in a sort of limbo and don't really know what to do. Normality has flown out of the window. Hope your mums recovering well , does she have to go back to the hospital at all

ssd Fri 02-Aug-13 20:17:57

hi girls, and welcome to the new posters here, I'm sorry you've had to join us sad

its just so unbearably sad, isn't it, I have already lost my dad and I was broken hearted then, but now losing my mum has just turned me inside out. I just feel so empty a lot of the time, I've been trying to think of ways to fill the void mum left but nothing comes close and I don't seem to have the energy to try new things or join new things, I just mope about at home a lot over thinking everything. I think the only thing that can help us all is time, that and knowing we can post on here and not have to explain how bereft we feel or how it sneaks up on you and floors you at times. Tomorrow is mums bday, last year at this day she was in my house with us all, I can remember it clearly. I know I cant have her back or change how things are, I just wish I could get rid of this emptiness I always feel, its awful. I don't know if its grief or depression or maybe a bit of both. I don't know...

t875, I hope you manage to get through your holiday with your dad there, I know how hard it'll be, but try to treasure it as well, I hope you can.x

mummylin Fri 02-Aug-13 21:31:06

Oh ssd I can guess how you will be feeling tomorrow, every special date is a nightmare isn't it, I will think of you. Write her a little letter if that makes you feel better you could just put your thoughts etc. put a flower by her photo and whisper * happy birthday mum* sending you love

Badvoc Sat 03-Aug-13 09:22:18

She has to go back for an echo and for an appt at clinic.
My brother was unwell yesterday but I think it's just the stress/lack of sleep/not eating/grief catching up with us all.

mummylin Sat 03-Aug-13 09:50:33

I think it does take a lot out of a person. It must be one of the most stressful times in our lives ever. It's a selection of stuff, all the arrangements to make. All the things you have to do and of course all this whilst you are mourning the loss of a loved one. But it is surprising how we all do manage to cope. Have you got the date for your dads funeral now, I know thre was a ? Over when it would be .i expect today you will be going over last Saturday in Your mind, it's something we all have done at some point

Badvoc Sat 03-Aug-13 11:23:24

Funeral on the 13th.
Sorted wake - local hotel.
Relatives flying in on Monday at varying times and going home on Tuesday evening.....my bil is sorting their accommodation.
I just can't get over it...last week at this time I was packing my overnight bag, sorting the car out...seems so unreal
Dad collapsed at 2.10pm but wasn't pronounced til after 3pm at the hospital.

t875 Sat 03-Aug-13 13:44:12

Ssd just want to say I'm thinking of you today it's such a hard day sending you a massive hug and do something special that pleases you too Hun
((((Big hugs))))

Badhavoc - I am pleased that you have had some support to help you through. It's all so surreal sad thinking of you while you go through this extremely hard time. X

mummylin Sat 03-Aug-13 13:46:28

I echo t875 post exactly. Thoughts are with you both on this distressing day.

Badvoc Sat 03-Aug-13 14:19:30

Ssd...thinking of you.
My lovely dad has been gone now for a week. Longest week of my life.
I am unable to comprehend how he was here and then gone.
It's like a nightmare from which I can't wake up.

mummylin Sat 03-Aug-13 20:09:56

badvoc and ssd hope you both have somehow coped with today, I agree with you badvoc it is a nightmare. A living nightmare. I can hardly recall how normal I would of felt when I had my mum, I know I will never be that person again.

kali110 Sat 03-Aug-13 20:39:39

I feel for all who are struggling. I lost my dad 5 years ago and im still struggling. He was diagnosed with muscle tension, then a hole in his lung, to having cancer and then dying. All in a month. I still cant get over it. I spent year after death trying to look after family and drinking. Then twat of fiance dumping me and my manager bullying me.although im in good place now it doesnt get any easier. Lost my job few weeks ago and keep crying over what my dad would say. Silly things set me off even corrie! Someone reslly close to me has just fought cancer but has been told it will most likely come back. I cant cope uf i lost them too. My friends and new bf have been great but noone really knows wat to say.it doesnt matter your age when you lode a parents. It hurts.

Badvoc Sun 04-Aug-13 09:06:16

I am sorry for your loss Kali x
Mums neighbours son came up to me as I was leaving mums house yesterday...he was nearly in tears which makes it hard...I end up comforting them!
Mum had pain last night so my sister rang the paramedics and they came out so I was down there from 2-3 am.
She is ok. In fact her ECG is already better than it was last week, which is good news.
I think this week will be very hard for all of us...just waiting.

hope you are all doing the best you can be, its hard isn't it and people say the stupidest things. I have quit watching the soaps lately too much cancer storylines and death. I need a hobby! something to keep me occupied

celticclan Sun 04-Aug-13 22:45:55

Hello, I posted a few months ago, I have had a name change since then. I'm sorry that I didn't thank anyone for their posts or ask after other posters.

My Dad died 3 months ago and I just realised today. He is the first thing I think of when I wake and the last thing I think of when I go to bed. He is always on my mind. I have so many regrets. We were not always in contact and I want to turn the clock
back and put that right. I wish we had spent more time together. I'm so proud of him and I miss him so much.

Today is the first time I cried properly. Ds was being untidy and messing about and I burst into tears and didn't stop for the next hour.

mummylin Mon 05-Aug-13 00:20:18

Oh dear celtic you mean today it suddenly hit you that your dad is gone ? I am sorry that you have regrets. I expect we all have a few. I'm sure whatever happened in the past was reason at the time. not to see your dad so often. But it's time for you to let that go . There is nothing to be gained by it now and worrying about it will just eat you up and make your grief for him worse.
Try to think of the good times that you did have with him. Put up a photo of him and talk to him now. What name were you before ( unless you don't want to say ) glad you came back and found us again

celticclan Mon 05-Aug-13 00:45:40

Thank you mummylin. I was TT before.

I wasn't always in contact with my Dad because my parents split when I was young and my Dad had problems with alcohol so I didn't always know where he was. Then he got ill and gave up the alcohol and wanted to make contact with me. I didn't make contact for years not because I was angry, I wasn't at all angry because I knew he loved me. I was shy, a grown woman too shy to make contact with her own dad how pathetic. sad

Then I finally made contact and the first time I saw him I wanted to ask him to move closer to us but I didn't and we only saw each other sporadically because we lived quite far apart. I should have seen him more, I could have seen him more but I let the day to day stuff get in the way.

Then he was diagnosed with cancer just over a month before he died and I saw him a lot but still not as much as I would have liked. I realised how alike we were and how much I had missed out on.

I don't know why it has only just hit me. I think it all happened so quickly. There was so much to sort out that it felt surreal.

I have a lovely photo of him that his niece gave me at the funeral. I met my Dad's side of the family for the first time at his funeral and they are lovely and I wish I knew them before.

My Dad's death has made me realise that I have lived my whole life wrong and I want to start again. I can't turn the clock back.

mummylin Mon 05-Aug-13 01:18:12

I am glad that you now have met all your dads family. They will be able to tell you lots of things about him I expect. So although you didn't see him often you will get a good idea of things he likes to do. Things that made him laugh etc very sad for you. But it has given you new relations ! In hindsight you now wish you could put the clock back,but you did what was right for you at the time. I hope you can have happy times with your dad family and hopefully this will help you .
Alchohol is a demon for some people , and you never get to see the real person behind the glass.
You will be ok,keep,posting and we will try and help you through it. Sorry you are so upset now

crazykat Mon 05-Aug-13 09:30:16

Hi all hope everyone's doing okay.

I'm so sorry there's more of us who need this thread.

Celtic I'm sorry for what you're going through. If only we could know what was coming we'd have less regrets. Hold on to the fact you got to spend time with your dad, even though you wish you'd had more. When you lose someone so close that you love so much it never seems that you had enough time with them.

I don't know what's wrong with me lately, I'm finding it hard to sleep for worrying about my mum and its making me hell to live with. It doesn't help that the weather means we've been stuck at home so far and DCs are getting bored.

I just don't know what I'll do when she's gone. I'll have to carry on for my DCs but I know all I'll want to do is curl up and hide. This waiting game is horrible even though I'm thankful for each day she's still here. I wish I had a magic wand to make everything okay again.

mummylin Mon 05-Aug-13 11:18:07

Hi crazykat how is your mum getting on now ? Did you ever get her a bird feeder ? We had another big dragon fly indoors the other day !
I hope you are able to still enjoy your time with your mum and that she is also able to have times of happiness.
It must be awful for you and the family to know what is going to happen, it surely must affect everything that you do. Sadly you know what the outcome is going to be, so all you can do is to make the best of each day and store up more memories for the future. It's all very sad
Hope everyone else is also getting by as best as they possibly can. None of you are alone, we are all with you
.badvoc hope your mum is ok and coping as well as she can. I am sure you are all dreading the 13th but we will be with you.
ssd and t875 thinking of you both. Has anyone heard from biscuits just wondering how she is doing.