My husband died

(197 Posts)
minkulus Fri 05-Apr-13 22:09:22

I have 2DCs. Daughter 8 and son 2 1/2. I have spoken to my Dd about her daddy, but how the hell do I explain it to the 2 yr old.
Dad was away a lot with work so his absence has not been noted yet. What do I do?
Sorry it's a bit blunt but I'm stunned and can't face it.

VivaLeBeaver Fri 05-Apr-13 22:14:53

I'm so sorry. Has it just happened today?

I'm no expert but I suppose trying to keep any explanations as simple as possible for the 2yo. But he's unlikely to understand straight away and need it repeating.

Have you got support , family/friends?

So sorry to hear this. Have you got someone with you?

whattodoo Fri 05-Apr-13 22:16:04

Oh God, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think you should try to tell youngest as soon as you can, in very simple terms.

eg "daddy get very I'll and the doctors and nurses couldn't make him better. It's very sad. Shall we chat about Daddy?"

Can someone else be with you when you tell them?

Keep talking about him and lots of photos etc. Tell the children the truth (in as simple terms as appropriate). Make sure they know they can ask questions whenever they need to.

I say this as someone who lost a parent at 2 and it was hushed up. I didn't have a clue what happened until I was a teen and didn't find out details until I was in my 20s. Screwed me up.

Thinking of you.

EmmaDale Fri 05-Apr-13 22:16:17

Gosh, I'm so so sorry. I know that there are others on here who will be able to offer advice - I just wanted to reply and say that I'm here 'listening'.

x

Lucyellensmum95 Fri 05-Apr-13 22:16:51

Oh, i am so so sorry, i dont have any words of advice - just wanted to offer my utmost sympathy sad Have you anyone there with you?

Smugsmuggler Fri 05-Apr-13 22:16:57

I'm so sorry. I have no idea what to suggest and how to advise. But just wanted to send you a huge hug. Mners who have some experience, expertise and answers will I'm sure be along soon. Meanwhile, keep it simple, keep it honest, emphasize that the bond of love can never be broken and be prepared to repeat. And repeat. Will be so very hard, but you will find the strength.. Thoughts are with you.

milkysmum Fri 05-Apr-13 22:17:46

So so sorry that this happened, you must still be in shock if this is very recent. Not sure what to advise but didnt want to not respond. Hope you have someone with you at the moment X

minkulus Fri 05-Apr-13 22:21:00

Sorry it was brief I am bit worried about anyone from real life recognising this. Only because they may feel its inappropriate to discuss him on the web, if you see what I mean.
He died on tuesday away from home.
My children are so innocent and I had to destroy my dd life, told her as soon as I was calm enough. Can't face it when my son realises too.

stella1w Fri 05-Apr-13 22:23:09

So sorry for your loss. Winston's wish are good for bereaved children. I have heard you should not tell kids death is like going to sleep because the become fearful of sleep.

VivaLeBeaver Fri 05-Apr-13 22:25:34

Don't worry about been brief on here. Post as much or as little as you want.

lougle Fri 05-Apr-13 22:30:34

I'm sorry you've had to do this, minkulus. I'm sorry you can't rewind time and change what happened on Tuesday. flowers

tigerdriverII Fri 05-Apr-13 22:31:14

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I think you have to be very honest with children. Saving them a couple of days' pain is stressful for you and probably won't do much for them. Agree with whattodo.

olivertheoctopus Fri 05-Apr-13 22:31:15

Oh I'm so sorry for your loss

minkulus Fri 05-Apr-13 22:32:55

I just feel as if I told my daughter and haven't really been able to help her. I've been inundated with forms and phonecalls and emails etc for inquests and transporting his body and what to do with his belongings etc. I just want it all to stop: it's been relentless.
My beautiful girl has been so calm and brave. I am so scared that I won't be enough for them both. How are they going to grow up without him. How will my son know what it all means?

McPheetStink Fri 05-Apr-13 22:33:07

So sorry

Keep talking. The ladies on here are wonderful.

whattodoo Fri 05-Apr-13 22:38:01

Is anyone able to be with you? Help with the formalities?

Can you turn of the phone for half a day? I can't begin to imagine what is going round in your head, but I'm sure a morning cuddling with the children in bed or a trip to fly a kite will do you all (a tiny bit of) good.

minkulus Fri 05-Apr-13 22:38:03

I'm here alone with my son. He's asleep. My dd is staying with her aunty ( she wanted a movie night!) I just feel as if I have been thrown in at the deep end and no skills to keep us all afloat. The first couple of days have just been auto pilot, but now it's hitting me hard.
T

xigris Fri 05-Apr-13 22:38:09

So very sorry for your loss, minkulus. I really hope that you have someone with you. I'd definitely suggest booking an appointment with your GP and also getting in touch with your health visitor. They will all have had experience with this awful situation and will be able to help and advise, especially in helping your children with their bereavement and emotions. Again, I'm so sorry flowers

xigris Fri 05-Apr-13 22:40:32

Sorry, I x posted with you, minkulus. Have you considered contacting Cruse? You also need supporting. A close family friend lost her husband to an undiagnosed heart condition when her daughter was 4. She found Cruse excellent. Xx

minkulus Fri 05-Apr-13 22:41:24

What todo. Thank you. I have to be available at the moment because my husband has to be repatriated and his cause of death is not straight forward. It is too surreal. I have been asked so many questions and talked to somany different people. I took the children out yesterday for a couple of hours and returned to 8 phone messages and 17 emails.

DontSHOUTTTTTT Fri 05-Apr-13 22:44:56

Gosh, I feel so sorry for you. I have no real advice other than to ask for and to accept any RL help that you may get offered. [bunch]

thornrose Fri 05-Apr-13 22:46:15

Minkulus I'm so sorry.
My dd's dad died very suddenly 3 years ago, dd was 10 yo. We were separated but it was still horrendous. I'll never forget telling my dd.
You can help your dc by being honest, by crying with them, by talking about their dad.
It's such early days though, you must be so shell shocked.
You will be enough for them both.
Winston's wishes are a great charity for bereaved children when you're ready.
flowers

minkulus Fri 05-Apr-13 22:46:24

Thank you xigris. I hadn't thought of health visitor or gp. I suppose I'm just waiting to have him home. I can't even begin to work out how to do all this.

Greydog Fri 05-Apr-13 22:47:47

I am so, so sorry for you. All I can do is offer sympathy xxx

xigris Fri 05-Apr-13 22:48:12

I can't imagine how that must feel. Your brain must be in overdrive. I've been involved in similar situations (I'm a nurse) and know that sometimes the sheer amount of organisation that's required can be overwhelming. And that on top of the grief and emotions. I wish there was something more tangible that we could do for you. Keep talking on this if it's helping

chickydoo Fri 05-Apr-13 22:48:51

Am so very sorry for your loss.
Take each hour at a time. Kids are amazingly resilient. Be kind to yourself & accept as much help as you need.

minkulus Fri 05-Apr-13 22:49:44

Im going up to my boy now; he's woken up! I will be back here in the morning.thank you all.

Violetroses Fri 05-Apr-13 22:50:00

There is a charity called Winstons Wish which supports bereaved children. Their website is very good, and may be of use to you.

I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Fri 05-Apr-13 22:50:05

I have no advice but just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss.

Sending you much love & strength x

neolara Fri 05-Apr-13 22:53:46

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

My friend lost her husband a few years ago and had to explain things to her then 2yo dd. She took advice from the charity Winstons Wish which supports bereaved children. I think she spoke to someone on the phone a couple of times, although if you don't want to do this, there is lots of advice on the website. I know my friend found them tremendously helpful.

xigris Fri 05-Apr-13 22:54:11

flowers I hope you both get some sleep flowers

Gingerandcocoa Fri 05-Apr-13 22:54:58

I've been at the other end of your situation - I lost my dad when I had just turned 10. If I can give you one advice, is that I was too young and not close enough to my father to grieve. I wanted to go to school straight away and just pretend that nothing had happened. I really wish my mum would have helped me through that, it's something that has really impacted my life. I can say that 20 years later, I still feel the effects of not grieving properly.

(I am really sorry for your loss, and I can only tell you that it will be ok in the end)

morethanpotatoprints Fri 05-Apr-13 22:55:04

I am so very sorry for you and your family, I wish I had practical advice but I don't just wanted to offer sympathy xxx

BriansBrain Fri 05-Apr-13 23:01:30

I'm so pleased to see Winston wishes linked, they really are fantastic.

Don't worry about posting short and sharp or just what you need to get out without replying, MN is great at just being there for you and you only x

Would you like to post where you are incase any one is local enough to help with practical RL stuff, do you have RL help?

FIFIBEBE Fri 05-Apr-13 23:07:00

My father died when I was 4 and I remember it hardly being mentioned to me. I knew something was happening,but distinctly remember being told all would be fine and not to make a fuss. As a child I know it was something we didn't talk about and even now 41 tears later my family hardly mention him. My only advice would be to talk to them as you grieve. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

EggsEggSplat Fri 05-Apr-13 23:14:58

Minkulus, so sorry.

I was in almost exactly your position nearly seven years ago, when my DCs were 8 and three. We were all living overseas when DH died suddenly, and I had to deal with all the nightmare bureaucracy of post mortems and getting permission to repatriate his body to the UK. It took nearly a month to arrange the funeral in the end.

Do you have anyone to help with the bureaucracy? DH's colleagues in the overseas office were incredibly helpful - does your DH's employer have anyone else on the ground out there? The embassy/consulate also went out of theirway to be helpful, though it probably helped that a lot of them knew him personally.

To be honest, looking back, I think that having the bureaucracy and organisation (we had to move back to the UK because if his death, so at the same time as the funeral stuff I was also sorting out schools and somewhere to live) to focus on was what kept me going rather than collapsing in a heap.

As far as the children are concerned, what mine seemed to want was as much normality as possible. Their worlds had been turned upside down, and everything was going to change, so the routines of going to school etc seemed to be a comfort to them. I second Winston's Wish for advice, and you might find the Merry Widow discussion board useful for support - it was set up for young widows/widowers.

I'll be back with more later, but I just wantto say that bleak as everything seems now, you and the children will get through this and be OK.

EggsEggSplat Fri 05-Apr-13 23:19:41

Oh, and as far as explaining to the 2yo, I think being as simple, direct and honest as you can is the way to go. No 'gone to sleep' etc. Death as a permanent thing is a hard concept to grasp at that age, so beprepared to have to repeat yourself a lot. It took a few weeks for DD to stop talking about "when/if Daddy comes back to life..." sad

PariahHairy Sat 06-Apr-13 00:02:44

Oh I'm so so sorry to hear this, much sympathies.

Like pp said I think it's good to just give simple and honest answers to your 2yo, children do deal with it in very different ways.

Hope you get the support you need at such a terrible time.

My Dad died when I was 15 (much older than your children I know) but I think I did return to a normal routine quite quickly, going out with friends etc even though I was still grieving. My Mum was pretty "absent" in the parenting stakes for awhile understandably, just keep talking to them and mentioning him, even if it's very upsetting at first, I do wish you well and undoubtedly it will be bearable with time.

ExcuseTypos Sat 06-Apr-13 00:06:52

So very very sorry thanks.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Sat 06-Apr-13 00:09:39

I am so very sorry to hear about your husband. I second getting in touch with Winston's Wish

So very sorry, my thoughts are with you thanks

Evenstar Sat 06-Apr-13 00:40:54

I am so sorry for your loss, my DH died suddenly nearly 5 years ago away from home. My children were a lot older than yours, my heart goes out to you, I can still remember the look on my youngest son's face when I told him as if it was yesterday. There is a wonderful book called Is Daddy Coming Back In A Minute It is written by the mum of a three year old from the child's perspective and I think would be a great help to you. I have had a lot of support from a group called WAY Widowed and Young (the lady who wrote the book is a fellow member). Please feel free to PM me if you have questions or would like a chat.

Tortington Sat 06-Apr-13 01:01:07

so sorry for your loss xxxxxxxxxxx

scottishmummy Sat 06-Apr-13 01:14:35

1st so sorry what a shock.
Keep it factual,understandable,daddy got sick, he's not here now we miss him
Who's there for you?any good pals?day by day,minute by minute to get by.
Legally, financially do you need assistance?

madasa Sat 06-Apr-13 07:57:45

So sorry....thinking of you x

BellaVita Sat 06-Apr-13 08:08:27

I am so sorry sad xxxx

So sorry for your loss. My thoughts and love are with you.

minkulus Sat 06-Apr-13 11:08:59

God, what a morning again. Woken up by a courier bringing my husband's belongings. He's not even been returned to the uk but his computer is here! It's so weird. The phone has been mercifully quite quiet, but lots of emails and more paperwork to deal with.
I still have to cancel flights and hotels etc : freelancer so therefore no one to do that from the other end.
I have ordered the book linked by Evenstar. Thank you for that recommendation.
I will try to call some of the organisations, but my son is like a limpet today. Guess he's picking up on the atmosphere sad.
Just trying to work out what the next steps are.
Hoping my parents might come over later, but my son is not keen on being with them,; he associates them with my being in the hospital recently. Thinks mummy is going away. Poor little sods, my kids have been through so much recently. It has got to get better.

NotTreadingGrapes Sat 06-Apr-13 11:15:18

So sorry. xx

BIWI Sat 06-Apr-13 11:18:37

I'm so sorry to read this. sad

Inertia Sat 06-Apr-13 11:26:40

So sorry for your loss.

Can the company that your husband was working for help you at all- family support or anything like that? They may be able to manage some of the official business for you?

Thinking of you all.

BriansBrain Sat 06-Apr-13 12:11:33

Do you have any one who can help with making calls to cancel etc?

If you feel comfortable with accepting help from a stranger I am a PA and would happily take over the calendar and cancel appointments, flights for you.

Feel free to me and I will give you my contact details x

xigris Sat 06-Apr-13 12:28:09

Briansmile

minkulus Sat 06-Apr-13 13:45:34

Thank you so much for the kind offers of help. I am so touched. I have no idea how to message anyone on mumsnet. I am so pants at computer stuff, always left that to DH. his laptop and camera and wires etc are all here and I don't even know how to plug it all in!
I had notification that my husband will be returning to the uk tomorrow. I have to do the formal identification accompanied by a police officer. Once that truly awful part is over i will start to think about the rest.

I rang BA to cancel the flights I know about and they were helpful but cant do anything until we have proper death certificate as far as I can tell.

is there anything online that gives a step by step guide to all this? I struggle with one foot in front of the other at best of times!

xigris Sat 06-Apr-13 13:51:27

Hi Minkulus, most areas have a local bereavement support network, I know that we do. They're usually voluntary groups but may well be able to help you with all of this bureaucratic stuff. Also, Cruse probably know about the organisational side of things. Where are you living? (Understand that you may not want to share - totally understand) it's just that I do have a friend who runs our local bereavement support and he's lovely and massively experienced. I'm in SE London of that's anywhere near you. Again, so sorry for what you and your family are going through x

everlong Sat 06-Apr-13 13:57:32

Oh I'm so sorry.
There is a ' message poster ' button on the top of each thread. It's easy to use.

Have you anyone in real life that can ' take over ' for you for a short while? Take all the help that is offered.

Do you want to say where about you are? If you're near me I will try and help you.

EggsEggSplat Sat 06-Apr-13 14:09:14

This is quite a useful page of government advice on all the things you need to do when someone dies including a brief segment on what happens if someone dies abroad. I presume someone where he died must have registered the death for you, or you wouldn't be able to repatriate the body yet.

It took me much longer to get that sorted, but there was an extra layer of bureaucracy as the funeral was in Scotland, and there were special Scottish bits of paperwork to sort out too.

Don't forget to apply for bereavement allowance and widowed parent's allowance. You'll need several copies of the death certificate to speed up dealing with banks etc, or just a couple and then get a solicitor to run off some certified copies for you.

minkulus Sat 06-Apr-13 14:46:36

eggsplat. I can only imagine how hard you found it all and I'm sorry your kind help is having to come from bitter experiences. I have a lovely neighbour who is here with my son in the garden playing bubbles. the sun is so beautiful today and he's giggling away; just what is needed for us all at the moment.

minkulus Sat 06-Apr-13 14:49:06

In response to geographic location I am up on Cambridgeshire/
Lincolnshire border and funeral etc will be Norfolk/Cambs.
Coroners will be in Kings Lynn.

BriansBrain Sat 06-Apr-13 15:57:59

Take it easy, so glad you have some RL support. As some one else suggested is their a work collegue that can help work wise, not that all that is important today.

Do you have someone to go with you tomorrow? I'm not near enough location wise by my virtual offer still stands. I will send you a private message, you will need to click on the envelope with the red dot on the top of the page x

batteryhen Sat 06-Apr-13 21:00:49

I am so sorry to hear your news xx I am in the same part of the country as you, please just ask if you need anything x

Hulababy Sat 06-Apr-13 21:10:47

I am so sorry to hear about your DH.
Sadly there are others on MN who have experienced this and I am sure they will be able to help you more.

Tobermory Sat 06-Apr-13 21:24:23

Minkulus, so very sorry to hear about your loss. You are being so very strong. I can't imagine how bloody hard this must be.

I haven't suffered the loss of a partner but have lost both parents, my DM when I was relatively young. Something that helped for me was to keep a diary. It was place for me to just let it out, often. Later on down the road I could see from my entries that I was making baby steps.

How about making a memory box with your DD? Put in favourite photos, things that remind her of her daddy, places you went. Postcards he sent from away. I think it would certainly help your daughter as she ets older.

I recently found some letters my dad wrote to me when he was working away. I'd not looked at them since I was v small so while I don't remember receiving them its nice to help me get a picture of what life must have been like when I was that small.

Take care x

BriansBrain Sat 06-Apr-13 21:26:08

This is a link to winstons wishes which is a charity to support bereaved children. I have spoken to them in the past when my DDs bestbfriend died suddenly and they were very helpful and calming, they helped me as much as offering advice for DD.

www.winstonswish.org.uk/mainsection.asp?section=000100010004&pagetitle=About+Us

TrinityRhino Sat 06-Apr-13 21:26:58

I'm so so sorry for your and your children's loss

There are no words.
Stay strong, you can do it.

<honest old fashioned hugs>

Evenstar Sun 07-Apr-13 17:19:27

If you check your private messages I have sent (with their permission) the contact details for a couple of Widowed and Young members whose husbands also died abroad. They are happy for you to contact them if they can help with any information or support.

Orianne Sun 07-Apr-13 17:30:16

So sorry for your loss xxx

minkulus Sun 07-Apr-13 19:36:02

Thank you everyone for keeping me going. Thanks Evenstar.

Its been a difficult day as I know my DH body is now back in the UK at Heathrow. The repatriation team will bring him up to the funeral directors tomorrow and I think I have to do the I.D when he gets there.
Not much sleep tonight I guess......

minkulus Sun 07-Apr-13 19:44:21

Evenstar I checked my messages but none from you I'm afraid.
I will check again presently in case it is just slow!

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sun 07-Apr-13 19:47:29

Just wanted to say I am so very sorry for your loss minkulus

IcanandIwill Sun 07-Apr-13 20:00:51

So, so sorry.

My DH was killed nearly 12 months ago. My DC were 5, 1 and I was 36 weeks with the third. We've been to hell and back over the last year but we are surviving. Take one breath, one second, one minute at a time. I found staring at the wall oddly helpful. I've PM'd you. I wish I could help or at least take some of the pain away. X

ChippingInIsEggceptional Sun 07-Apr-13 21:13:57

Minkulus I am so very sorry to hear about your DH... there are no words, but I'm sending you lots of love & strength xxx

Evenstar Sun 07-Apr-13 21:21:49

Sorry am just about to send it again, my internet crashed just as I pressed send on the message, hopefully you will have it soon.

Evenstar Sun 07-Apr-13 21:40:10

You should have the message now, meant to add that first contact I have given you is on holiday until Thursday. Hope you get it OK this time.

Evenstar Sun 07-Apr-13 22:02:47

She has just messaged me to say that is fine for you to text or email her and she will reply.

minkulus Sun 07-Apr-13 22:24:57

Thanks Evenstar! Have messages you.

I'm off to bed in the hopes of some sleep? My DD is cuddled up in my bed so probably lots of fidgeting!

xigris Mon 08-Apr-13 08:32:23

Will be thinking of you today, Minkulus x

I've only just read this, wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss.

minkulus Mon 08-Apr-13 09:10:59

Well another morning. I am really shaky today. Just waiting to hear whats going to happen next.
Ive got childrens dentist this morning; how weird is that? its all normal outside my body and head and heart. everything carries on.

Orangesarenottheonlyfruit Mon 08-Apr-13 09:18:00

I have no practical advice but just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for you.
I am so impressed at your immense bravery in putting one foot in front of the other without cracking up. You are a fantastically strong woman and obviously a tower of strength for your children (even if you are quaking inside).
Will be thinking of you.
x

Lucyellensmum95 Mon 08-Apr-13 10:09:52

You are awe inspiring minkulus - sending my best wishes and prayers if i may x

minkulus Mon 08-Apr-13 13:01:08

WTF?! my dentist asked me outright "did your husband commit suicide?"
I am stunned. she is always so lovely . she must have been thinking it. how weird. im really shocked. Just one more bit of crap to deal with.
BTW as far as i know yet, no that isnt in the equation.

xigris Mon 08-Apr-13 13:46:53

She what?!! You are joking? Did she look horrified after she said it? I wonder if just very bad awkward-foot-in-mouth? My friend has it very badly and once asked my German friend, completely innocently, if she had any Nazis in her family blush. I'm so impressed Minkulus at the way you're keeping going. flowers

lougle Mon 08-Apr-13 15:25:15

minkulus, I'm stunned. I hope you weren't too distressed by that, and I hope your Dentist reflects on her behaviour and has the courage to contact you to apologise.

BriansBrain Mon 08-Apr-13 15:38:51

shock wat?? Some people really don't engage the bloody brains before talking do they!?

Hope you are doing ok, baby steps.

Mumcentreplus Mon 08-Apr-13 15:52:55

minkulus just sending you some <<hugs>> for everyone take care x

minkulus Mon 08-Apr-13 19:45:30

Oh xigris,that tickled me about your friend and I know my DH would have loved that!
Such things are the wonderful irreverent snippets that will shine through this bloody awful time.
I have had a hard day today, but insensitivity and crap notwithstanding I have had some amazing support from MN and some of DH colleagues. Many have sent really heartfelt descriptions of him and how he touched their lives. Makes me miss him all the more......
One last thing that may make someone smile;
I would love to be a fly on the wall in the great waiting room in the sky. My DH will be thrilled Lady T is there, he loved politics and will be no doubt having an amazing discussion with the Iron Lady! Couldn't think of two greater minds to be sitting together right now......

I bet he'll give her a run for her money!

VivaLeBeaver Mon 08-Apr-13 20:08:56

Your Dh sounds like he was such a lovely person.

I'm sorry your dentist was so bloody insensitive.

sybilfaulty Mon 08-Apr-13 20:11:10

So sorry for your loss minkulus. Sending best wishes to you flowers

IcanandIwill Mon 08-Apr-13 20:29:02

Just checking in and sending some love. How totally insensitive of the dentist. People do react in the strangest of ways. I'm sure it's not deliberate but they can be damn well insensitive.

AllOverIt Mon 08-Apr-13 20:44:35

You're doing brilliantly OP. So sorry for your loss.
Sending you strength thanks

minkulus Mon 08-Apr-13 21:21:45

Yes Viva he was an amazing person. I never really gave him much credit, but he was extremely intelligent, had the most disgraceful sense of humour and was one of the best in his field.
But our family life was difficult because his passion was his work.
However, I know he loved me and our darling DCs and they especially were his grounding and delight.
I just wish I had told him all that while I could.

VivaLeBeaver Mon 08-Apr-13 21:27:24

Minkulus, I'm sure he'd have known it. Me and Dh aren't exactly vocal about such stuff but I like to think we know what each other think about stuff like that.

minkulus I'm near Kings Lynn so if you need any practical help just pm me. thanks

I'm sorry to hear about your DH. What a complete shock for you and your family.

I'd second memory boxes for the kids - making them together - allows you and your DC to get into the 'habit' of talking about him. One each.

I'm self employed, with my own PLC, and between contracts at the moment so, whilst I'm not close by, I have time and am would be happy to help.

Did your DH have an accountant and are you secretary for his company? If you need help finding out about his company and what needs to happen I can research it. I will PM you

<squeeze>

minkulus Mon 08-Apr-13 22:29:26

Again, thank you so much for the amazing messages and advice and offers of practical help.
I'm off to bed now because DD has just come down for the fourth time in ten minutes; i think she needs a cuddle from her mum.....

xigris Tue 09-Apr-13 09:42:36

How are you this morning Minkulus? Did your DD manage to get some sleep? xx

SarahLundKicksAss Tue 09-Apr-13 09:53:07

I'm so sorry for your loss Minkulus. I can't begin to imagine what you might be going through.

Coconutty Tue 09-Apr-13 10:01:16

So sorry to read this Minkulus Hope you got some sleep xx

IcanandIwill Tue 09-Apr-13 18:34:40

Hope you are ok today. Thinking of you.

minkulus Tue 09-Apr-13 20:09:37

Thank you everyone. Just wanted to say hi. I am exhausted. Been a difficult day re coroner and vicar etc. I will check in again tomorrow if no one minds; off for a bath and get into my bed.xxx

BriansBrain Tue 09-Apr-13 20:43:39

Hi, at least today is finally finished. Hope you enjoy your bath and manage some sleep x

xigris Tue 09-Apr-13 20:55:54

We're here whenever you want us Minkulus. You're all in my thoughts. flowers xx

minkulus Wed 10-Apr-13 14:27:37

I'm scared. I will be going to see DH in a couple of hours. I feel so sick. It's such a beautiful sunny day.
I'm worried it will be the thing that breaks me. I've managed to keep it together and just hope I am strong enough.

SimplyTes Wed 10-Apr-13 14:36:47

Firstly I am so sorry for your loss. I remember my mum saying going to see my dad, she was 39 years, he was 43 years when he died, I know she was glad that she did take this chance. Please have someone with you so you don't have to be strong, there is nothing wrong with having a cry, scream and rage.

I know you do have to keep it together for your children but you will need someone who can comfort you as well. S x

Zoonose Wed 10-Apr-13 14:37:26

I just wanted to add some support. I am so sorry for what has happened to you. It happened to my friend 3 years ago, I know the pain he went through was unimaginable. He has rebuilt his life now, with their DC, he has come through and he is now happy, even though it was not a route in life he ever expected to take.

It will be hard later on. It will make what I imagine seems a little unreal at the moment, more real. You don't have to be strong or anything. I hope you will get good support from the police (I think you said that they would be there due to circumstances?)

I saw my grandfather recently after he died. It was not easy but it helped it sink in.

My heart goes out to you.

Coconutty Wed 10-Apr-13 14:38:08

Oh Mink it will be very very hard for you to see him as it's going to make it even more real IYSWIM.

Sending massive hug and handholding to you.

EggsEggSplat Wed 10-Apr-13 14:39:24

Is anyone going with you?

It may not be as bad as you think - I saw DH after the post mortem, and he looked a lot better than when they had been trying to resuscitate him in hospital.

But since it all happened so far away, this is probably what will make it feel 'real' to you, and that won't feel good. Just take deep breaths, and don't feel bad about however you react.

You will get through all this, but if you need to collapse for a bit and have half a day in bed or whatever, do you have anyone you can call on to help with the DCs? This may be when you need to actually take the initiative and actually call some of the people who have been vaguely saying, 'If there is anything I can do to help...'

EggsEggSplat Wed 10-Apr-13 14:43:11

Oh, and I agree that the sunshine makes it all feel worse and somehow less real. The day I went to register DH's death at the embassy was a beautiful late summer day, and it just didn't seem right. I know exactly how Auden felt: Stop all the clocks

trickycat Wed 10-Apr-13 14:44:41

I'm so sorry.
It is okay to cry, you need to let some of it out.
Take support fron those who offer it.
Will be thinking of you today.

Mink - I have PM'd you. Am local-ish to you if any use.

Hope this awful day, amongst all the rest, has passed smoothly.

Abra1d Wed 10-Apr-13 17:10:18

I am so sorry for your terrible loss.

chimchar Wed 10-Apr-13 17:20:04

So sorry to read about your lovely dh.

I hope today went as well as it could have...I can't imagine how you feel.

Sending you hugs. X

Awks Wed 10-Apr-13 17:25:17

I'm sorry too, what a nightmare for you. Hugs and well wishes for today x

Lucyellensmum95 Wed 10-Apr-13 17:42:12

Thinking of you today xxx you are right, its been a sunny day - so not fair sad

shrimponastick Wed 10-Apr-13 17:48:41

Sorry to hear this news minkulus

No advice - but I hope that you are getting by.

xx

wifeofdoom Wed 10-Apr-13 17:54:48

So sorry to see your news. Hope it went as well as it could this pm. big hugs.

ChippingInIsEggceptional Wed 10-Apr-13 18:26:52

Oh love, you have done brilliantly so far - far, far better than I would have, without a doubt. Today must have been very, very difficult for you, making it 'real' sad Sending you lots of love & strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other xxx

xigris Wed 10-Apr-13 18:30:14

How are Minkulus? Today must have been just dreadful. Thinking of you xx

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Wed 10-Apr-13 18:40:55

I'm so sorry Minkulus
I know you can get through this awful day.

Tobermory Wed 10-Apr-13 19:59:26

Big hugs Minkulus.

Today must have been so, so hard.

Have no words, just that I'm thinking of you x

BriansBrain Wed 10-Apr-13 20:52:03

How are you this evening?

Today must have been terribly hard for you, it is now another day you have managed. Remember to try and eat something and take time for yourself

We are all here for you x

Mumcentreplus Wed 10-Apr-13 20:55:27

Hi Minkulus sending all my love and strength to you x

Manchesterhistorygirl Wed 10-Apr-13 20:57:38

Just adding my support. I'm not anywhere nearby so can't offer real life help, but am here virtually for you.

xigris Thu 11-Apr-13 00:41:48

flowersflowers x

minkulus Thu 11-Apr-13 08:57:21

Yesterday was still too surreal. My DH looked awful. I didn't really know what to expect. I was alone after all as the f.director had already done I.D.
I felt absolutely numb. They must think I am a heartless bitch. I didn't cry really.
My DD is being sick this morning. She cried a lot last night. She didn't know what I was doing yesterday,but I think the shock of it all is beginning for her. If eel helpless in some ways because I can't protect her from this all.
Why did this have to happen. I am starting to 'feel' it all today. Particularly not helped by criticisms about my choices and ideas for funeral etc.
This certainly brings out people's true personalities.

pebbles1234 Thu 11-Apr-13 09:11:32

Minkulus, I'm sorry, I havent read the whole thread but just wanted to say how sorry I am and in response to your comment ' I am so scared that I won't be enough for them both. How are they going to grow up without him.'

I lost my dad aged six, and I can still remember the day it happened, I grew up with just my mum and had she was an amazing mum and dad to me, I feel very lucky to have had her and the support she gave, so yes, you are enough for them, just help them to remember him, and share your grief together, we sometimes sat and cried together and we've always talked about him lots. There were times that were hard, occasions where we felt his loss very acutely, but we had each other, as have you and your dc's and we built a new family unit together.

I'd also recommend Cruse who helped my Mum, and indirectly me significantly.

with love to you and your children xx

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Thu 11-Apr-13 09:36:03

I'm so sorry that people are criticising your choices and ideas for the funeral.
It's up to you and your DC and what you feel is right, will be right.

Family and friends can react very oddly around death and funerals, becoming very rightous (sp?) and stubborn.
Remember, it's not about them, don't let them give you extra worries. Just let their voices flow over you.

whattodoo Thu 11-Apr-13 09:58:47

Oh Minkulus, I am sorry that this has happened to you.

As another poster said, ask for help from those who have offered.

And ignore those who are questioning your choices - just go with what feels right for you and DCs.

xigris Thu 11-Apr-13 10:03:03

Oh Minkulus I'm so sorry. You don't need all this aggro on top of everything else. Try to ignore them. This is about you and your children and is a terrible situation, you don't need people making it worse for you. Do you have support in RL? Someone to fight your corner? I think it would be a good idea to go and see your GP who will be able to offer some support to you and your DCs. Keep talking and if you want, ranting on here. We're all thinking of you xx

I don't think they would have thought you a heartless bitch. They will have seen every reaction under the sauna. With grief there are so many feelings caught up in the process they will see lots of confused and overwhelmed people.

The same with the people around you, the reactions to your plans probably aren't reactions to your plans - it's their grief that is driving their outbursts. Regardless, the primary thing you must focus yourself on is doing what you think is right for your DH. Give him a send off that you can be proud of, that helps your children and befits your love and relationship with you and others. Sometimes explaining why you're doing something will make the noise just go away. Do you have an advocate in RL who can act as go between for you and others? Would the FD be able to help you perhaps?

I'm sorry your emotions are starting to get overwhelming. Unfortunately, you need to get angry, be sad, and all of those other emotions in order to be able to accept that he has gone. All I am trying to say, is it is normal.

Let us know if we can do anything to help

Manchesterhistorygirl Thu 11-Apr-13 17:37:32

Hugs sweetheart. I well remember attempting to organise fil funeral. Poor dh was shut out of the whole process except for finally being "allowed" a choice of two songs at the crem. We were in holiday when it happened and by the time we flew back four days later, three days after we fund out his house had been emptied of all valuables. Death really does bring out people's true colours doesn't it?

You are doing your very best and you have a very young family to look after along the way so people criticising you at this dreadful time should be ashamed of themselves.

SimplyTes Thu 11-Apr-13 17:51:26

I remember my mum got lots of 'stick' about the way she coped when dad died. She wore a red dress to the funeral - he loved her in this dress, I remember when Lady in Red came on the radio and mum would burst into tears. She was strong and chose not to explain herself to family who thought it inappropiate to wear anything but black.

I'm so sorry that in RL you are not getting 100% support, you will go through many stages of grief and need people to offer constructive and emotional help, I hope you have some people who can do this. S x

minkulus Thu 11-Apr-13 17:56:26

Oh Manchester, that's awful. So far it's not been that bad except I'm here doing it all myself and I feel like shouting at some people! I was given no guidance or advice or help despite asking every step of the way what others wanted to happen or how they wanted things handled. All the replies were along the lines of "what you think is for the best". But of course now there are things that aren't right. I feel like giving up but I will not let my DH down.
So many wonderful people both on here and in RL so I mustnt let the doubters pull me down. Thank God for our DCs.keeping me above the water. Xx

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 11-Apr-13 18:17:55

Your DH will be proud of you minkulus - stay strong xx

Manchesterhistorygirl Thu 11-Apr-13 21:29:51

No you must not back down! If people couldn't bother their arses helping you make decisions then they cannot then complain they are not happy.

Your dh would be proud of you I'm sure. Still here for you.

BriansBrain Thu 11-Apr-13 22:56:37

Evening.

There will always be one or two that will pass comment without realising how raw and spiteful they sound.

You are truly amazing and so doing everything you need to do for your family x

My offer of help still stands btw x

minkulus Fri 12-Apr-13 08:54:21

Thank you so much for your kindness.
Manchester;I love that your mum was strong enough to wear that dress, she knew who mattered in the end.
Briansbrain. Thanks for your continued support.
There will come a time, soon no doubt, when I reach out for those who will guide me. Truly beautiful ladies who have given me strength. Thank you.

<squeeze>

You are a noble, dignified and strong woman. You may not feel it but that is how you appear.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Fri 12-Apr-13 09:10:37

I'm thinking of you Minkulus
Sending you strength from France.

eminemmerdale Fri 12-Apr-13 09:21:21

I am so sorry. My dad died when i was 2 and my sister was 11. Our mother handled it appallingly, from what I can gather and never once discussed him with either of us except in disparaging ways which has caused all sorts of problems for us both. He wasn't a bad man at all by the way, she just didn't seem to like him much!! We never had a photo or a kind word. It sounds as though you are dealing with your children brilliantly. They will be so much stronger for knowing you loved him and that you speak of him often. Keep photographs up and encourage them to talk. We don't even have any grave to visit - she 'got rid' of his ashes. Also, I recommend Cruse - the are fanatastic! i happen to work in the same building as our Cruse offices and my sister has just trained as a Cruse counsellor. When you are strong enough, give them a call. You're doing so well! xx

xigris Fri 12-Apr-13 09:21:54

Morning Minkulus still thinking of you xx

minkulus Fri 12-Apr-13 12:27:14

Eminemmerdale, that's so very sad fr your and your sister. I suppose maybe grief affected her in a destructive way, but even if she was angry at him for 'leaving', your loss was so deep. Even though you don't have the physical reminders of him he is part of you, your very flesh so he's there.
Your Dad will always be that,no matter what has come after. Xx

BriansBrain Fri 12-Apr-13 21:31:56

You are such a lovely person, taking time in every thing you are going through to send such a lovely messege to Emin.

Have another viral hug you wonderful women grin

thornrose Fri 12-Apr-13 21:45:32

Mink - I posted early on your thread. My dd lost her dad aged 10. She is now 13 and still struggles with his death.
We had separated but it still hurt like hell to become the only parent.
I made decisions about my dd relating to the funeral which caused friction but I stand by those decisions.
I talk about my dd's dad all the time. Little passing comments, reminders, memories, keeping him alive for her.
She's scared she'll forget him. I will NEVER let that happen.
We get out her baby pictures regularly, she loves the one of her and her dad just after she was born. She said the other day that she can see the love in his eyes.
I cry with her, I show her that I feel his loss too. I tell her what a great dad he was and how he loved her so, so much.
I've been shocked that 3 years on her grief seems just as strong. It's a long haul.
You can do it xx

Popping on by just to say I'm still thinking of you.

Brian is very right, a wonderful woman finding time to support others in a very dark time. I doff my cap to you

Mumcentreplus Fri 12-Apr-13 22:34:47

mink just sending my love and hugs to you x

GladbagsGold Fri 12-Apr-13 22:52:16

I'm so sorry for your loss. You sound like a wonderful mum and wonderful family. Sending you love and strength.

QOD Fri 12-Apr-13 22:56:32

So sorry mink sad

eminemmerdale Fri 12-Apr-13 23:02:10

It was a lovely reply. Thank you. I didn't want or mean to hijack, just wanted to say you are doing the best and right thing for your dc, you sound amazing, I have no idea what I would do or how I would be if my dh died, I would totally collapse. You are strong and amazing xxx

chipmonkey Fri 12-Apr-13 23:38:48

mink, I am so very sorry for your loss. Your dh sounds like an amazing person.
Dont' worry about what other people think about funeral arrangements. You, your dd and ds are your dh's family so just do what seems right for you and your children.
Children all cope in different ways. Your ds is very young now and won't fully grasp what has happened. We lost our daughter when ds4 was three and he really didn't grasp what had happened. Ds1, who was 15, seemed to cope well but now, 18 months down the line, I realised that he was stressing about life and death, so I am going to arrange some counselling for him now. For now, take things one step at a time xx

minkulus Sat 13-Apr-13 13:38:39

Hello . Having a rough day today, tiredness has hit me and feel wobbly. DH family finally coming to visit tomorrow so quite anxious.
Kids are doing ok and seem calm so that's a blessing. Just really need some sleep!

BriansBrain Sat 13-Apr-13 13:41:02

Get your duvet down and snuggle up on the sofa. Nothing wrong with having a duvet day.

It will do you good to recognise when you need to stop and recharge, grief can be very draining x

xigris Sat 13-Apr-13 13:47:32

I agree with brian just have a chilled duvet day if you can, Mink. I hope it all goes well with DHs family and you're able to give each other some much needed moral support. Are you eating ok? It might be worth getting yourself a decent multi vit x

minkulus Sat 13-Apr-13 14:27:30

Xxx

Coconutty Sat 13-Apr-13 14:57:58

Big cuddle for you Mink. Take it easy and don't try and do too much.

theboutiquemummy Sat 13-Apr-13 15:24:16

Minkulus big hugs really feel for you please try and take of yourself easier said then done I know, why don't you have a duvet day and a movie or try n read a book just to unwind a bit x

Blondeshavemorefun Sat 13-Apr-13 18:40:30

i am so sorry for your and your children's loss - wtf did the dentist think he was saying that to you for - its not what people say - i mean seriously why would someone just ask that hmm

the next few weeks/months and even years will be tough, esp as you have children sad

i hope you have someone near you in the RW to be there for you

my dh died 2 years next week and though was suicide - for me i wouldnt say things are easier as such, but you learn to cope

cruse were fantastic for me, so please do get in touch with them and from a friend whose dh died who had children, she said winstons wish was wonderful

much love xx

Manchesterhistorygirl Sat 13-Apr-13 19:38:12

Hugs sweetheart, try and get some rest tonight. X

eminemmerdale Sat 13-Apr-13 21:29:43

thinking of you. I hope you can sleep - jus let us know how you are, and anything I can do, pm me xx where are you in the country (if you want to say)

I'm not surprised you're tired. You've done so much, and been so strong for, this week.

Sending you some virtual strength to help you through tomorrow with your iLs, I imagine that it'll be a very overwhelming day for everyone. Do you have a BF or a parent looking out for you?

Bakingnovice Sat 13-Apr-13 23:13:51

Another one thinking of you today. Am amazed by your strength. Your Dh sounds just lovely. Please be kind to yourself.

Nat38 Sat 13-Apr-13 23:15:28

Hi
So sorry for your loss.sadsad
You have my support on MN & in RL, if you need me I`ll be there! PM me.
I live in Leicester, so a couple of hours away, I`ll come to you or you can escape(??), up to you. PM me if you need me!!

Nat38 Sat 13-Apr-13 23:19:44

Sorry, that was supposed to say "or you can come to me to escape(??!!)
Please do not be offended by my choice of words, I struggle to find the right words!!confusedhmmblushgrin

lemontruffles Sat 13-Apr-13 23:37:55

Hi Minkulus,
Have just read of your loss, and am so sorry to hear your sad news.

You sound like a strong woman and a wonderful mother. You are doing wonderfully well so far.

My DH died at the beginning of this year so I am recently widowed myself.

I have been surprised at how physically exhausting grief is; please be very, very kind to yourself; eat and drink well; try to get to bed even if you can't always sleep as you will be resting; do as much as you can, then try to rest.

Accept all help that is offered: cooking, cleaning, anything that will support you as you support your children, and yourself.

Keep things simple.

Don't make any major decisions for at least a year.

Make sure you apply for bereavement allowances; there is a special department in the DWP which will take you through the process with kindness.

I have good days and bad days; on bad days I concentrate on getting through in half hour slots. Every day is different so far, but I'm still here, and you will get through too. flowers

lemontruffles Sat 13-Apr-13 23:41:21

Oh yes, and your dentist!! I've had some shocking things said to me too: I'm now not surprised by anything!! Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh or cry.......

Hope you have had a decent day with your in-laws.

minkulus Sun 14-Apr-13 08:43:46

Nat38, please don't worry, your message came across beautifully, thank you.
Lemontruffles I'm so sorry. Your loss is so very recent too.Is it ok to send you a message some time. Maybe we can be a support to each other?

I'm nervous this a.m as DH family on their way. Quite a journey for them in so many ways. I just hope I don't say the wrong thing or add to their pain iykwim.
Real life support a bit thin on the ground for this bit, but I will get through it: all the wonderful messages and offers of support from MNetters will be in the back of my mind. Thanks.xx

Manchesterhistorygirl Sun 14-Apr-13 10:17:10

Sending you supporting thoughts for today.

eminemmerdale Sun 14-Apr-13 10:39:24

Just seen you are in Cambs. I am in Cambridge - so am near too.

I hope that the time with your iL was everything you wanted it to be.

I'm sorry you don't have much RL support for this bit. Don't be afraid to turn those offers of MN support to reality at the point you feel you can deal with us.

Thinking about you and your DC.

BriansBrain Sun 14-Apr-13 21:16:30

I also hope you got everything you needed out of today and its nice to see some MNers near to you offering support.

We are all here when you need us even if its only viral x

minkulus Mon 15-Apr-13 09:22:39

Yesterday went well. We are meeting again today to sort out some more bits and pieces. So sad that after some years of not getting on so well, we are now all pulling in the same direction. The irony and tragedy of lots of families I guess.

Nat38 Mon 15-Apr-13 09:37:43

So glad that every thing went well yesterday for you.
It is sad that it takes something like this to make people get on a bit better for whatever reasons.

xigris Mon 15-Apr-13 10:13:29

How are you today, Mink? so glad that it went well with your in laws. X

Homebird8 Mon 15-Apr-13 20:28:48

There are times when words desert me. So, handhold. flowers

Blondeshavemorefun Mon 15-Apr-13 20:29:58

glad went as well as it can under the circumstances with your inlaws

thinking of you x

ChippingInLovesSpring Mon 15-Apr-13 20:35:32

I'm glad it went OK with DH's family. Sending you a bit more love & strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other x

member Mon 15-Apr-13 20:56:52

I've just seen this thread for the first time & whilst I have no practical advice, I just wanted to let you know that I've read & you're in my thoughts. flowers

BriansBrain Tue 16-Apr-13 22:51:44

Hey Mink, how are you feeling?

theboutiquemummy Wed 17-Apr-13 17:26:25

Hi Mink how are you doing x

minkulus Wed 17-Apr-13 19:21:38

Hi everyone. Just checking in. Had a really full on day again but am making progress with funeral arrangements etc so feel its tiredness that has been earned. My beautiful DCs are cuddling up while we watch a DVD and eat toast. My little world. X

<squeeze>

BriansBrain Wed 17-Apr-13 20:50:53

I'm pleased you have found time to update, I have been thinking about you.

Lovely post and glad to read all is calm x

scottishmummy Thu 18-Apr-13 07:36:35

Gosh it's hard,take it minute by minute. Toast and cuddles is a great comfort

RatherBeOnThePiste Thu 18-Apr-13 08:39:09

Much love from me, am thinking of you all X

BIWI Thu 18-Apr-13 08:57:53

Cuddles, DVDs and toast sound like a fab idea! Thinking of you xx

IcanandIwill Fri 19-Apr-13 04:33:01

I've been away but been thinking of you. Take comfort in those moments of calm, they are very precious xxx

BriansBrain Fri 19-Apr-13 16:55:13

How are you x

Just popping on by to let you know I'm still thinking of you and your DC

fluffypillow Sat 20-Apr-13 23:24:36

What a terrible time for you sad

Thinking of you and your DC's. Lots of hugs coming your way xxx

ProphetOfDoom Sat 20-Apr-13 23:51:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OttilieKnackered Tue 23-Apr-13 22:04:00

I recently went through something sort of similar, though not the same. I don't want to try and compare the loss as there were no children and he was actually my ex, though only by a matter of weeks. We were still financially 'linked' and so I've had to do a lot of the stressful sorting out, even though I was not his next of kin.

Unless you have particularly awful inlaws or friends, the funeral WILL be beautiful. When all the people that loved a person gather together, it almost doesn't matter what else is around.

The thing that keeps catching me out is when I read or see something I know he would have had any opinion on. I keep going to text him. At first it made me cry, but now it's starting to make me smile, although I still sometimes get a little shock when I remember.

Yours is a different, and much tougher, situation, but in the first few days I thought I'd never be able to do anything again.

I hope you don't think I'm underplaying your loss, but I just thought it might help to hear from someone who has (so far) managed to hold it together.

Please take care.

Yorkiegirl Wed 24-Apr-13 10:15:52

Hi minkulus how are you today? I have messaged you. My DH died abroad in 2006 when my DDs were 2 and 4.

minkulus Thu 25-Apr-13 18:33:24

Hi everyone! Just checking in to let you know we are still plodding on.
Ottilie, I feel for you. Your pain and loss is no less legitimate or 'deserving'. You lost someone who was and had been an enormous part of your life. I hope you are feeling ok.
I am spending the last few days before the funeral just making sure I have done everything I can to make it a special day.
My beautiful DCs are doing ok. DD is up and down, as to be expected. She is amazing! DS is accepting things as far as I can tell. He likes to talk about daddy which is amazingly hard at times.
Thank you to everyone who has messages me, I will reply soon!
Xxx

DontSHOUTTTTTT Thu 25-Apr-13 20:00:23

Xx thanks just to say i am thinking of you.

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