5 months pregnant and my fiance has just passed away

(109 Posts)
Soppykiss Sat 02-Feb-13 23:56:36

My fiance died two weeks ago and I am just over 5 months. He was diagnosed with cancer the same day I found out I was pregnant. I just don't know if I can do this without him. I've not bought anything for the baby and I really don't know how I feel right now. I'm functioning because I know he would have wanted me to be strong and look after the baby but it's hard.

catladycourtney1 Sat 02-Feb-13 23:58:54

I'm so sorry.
I don't know what to say but I didn't want to read and not reply.
I can't imagine how awful that must be.

SueDunome Sun 03-Feb-13 00:00:58

I am truly sorry and cannot imagine how you must be feeling - so sad and so unfair.

5madthings Sun 03-Feb-13 00:01:46

I am so sorry sad

Have you been in touch with cruise? They are a bereavement charity and some people find them helpful.

Take it a day at a time and keep posting I am sure some more knowledgeable posters will be along with advice and support xxx

FirstTimeForEverything Sun 03-Feb-13 00:02:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FirstTimeForEverything Sun 03-Feb-13 00:02:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Soppykiss Sun 03-Feb-13 00:08:50

I went to my doctor's to see if I could get anything to help me sleep, which I can't as it will effect the baby. I mentioned counselling but they said it was too early, people tend to have it further down the line. I have looked Cruse up and I am going to give them a call on Monday.

I'm living with his parents as I can't bear to go back to our home, we're trying to support one another through this. The funeral is on the 8th, and I am dreading it, as it draws a line underneath it all and all that's left is the grieving process - if that makes sense?

The hard part is everyone thinks that I am being strong, I'm just struggling to get my head around it all. I just can't believe he's gone.

I'm so worried I am not going to bond with the baby.

5madthings Sun 03-Feb-13 00:16:39

I am glad you have the support of his parents.

The funeral will be hard, be kind to yourself.

Do you know the sex of the baby? It may help you to bond if you find out. But lots of mums don't bond straight away, it takes time to get to know your baby so don't beat yourself up about that.

The sleep I had to take sleeping meds when preg with ds1 but they admitted me to hospital so they could keep an eye on the baby, that may be an option for you.

And counselling may be a good idea.

Has your go put you in touch with your health visitor yet, and your midwife may be able to offer help.

Soppykiss Sun 03-Feb-13 00:23:27

I'm seeing my mid wife on Tuesday, when I called her and told her the news she broke down and cried. I found myself comforting her, I'm kinda dreading seeing her, as I know there will be lots of tears.

I don't know the sex of the baby, he never wanted to know. A few days before he passed away the hospital he was at kindly organised a sexing scan. The sonographer wrote the sex down and gave it to my mother in law. I wanted him to be able to know before he died. When we were saying our personal goodbyes his mum asked him if he wanted to know and he nodded, so at least he knows whether we're having a little boy or girl. I'm still respecting his wishes by not finding out, as he would be gutted if he thought I knew.

I can trust his mum not to say anything to me or anyone else, as it's their special bond.

FarelyKnuts Sun 03-Feb-13 00:29:44

I am so sorry. I really have no words. But please, if it helps, keep posting here, people are always listening.
It is lovely that he died knowing whether you are having a wee boy or girl. What a special secret to take with him. take care of yourself

5madthings Sun 03-Feb-13 00:29:45

That's lovely that he knew the sex off the baby smile

Bless your midwife, tears are good but I hope she supports you, had she met your dp? If you can manage to see the same midwife all the way through that will be good and save you having to keep explaining.

I am so sorry I don't have any wise words or anything comforting to say sad

Would you like to tell us about him?

giraffesCantEatNHSPotatoes Sun 03-Feb-13 00:30:44

So sorry to hear that x

morethanpotatoprints Sun 03-Feb-13 00:34:36

Soppykiss.

I am so sorry, and can't imagine what you must be going through.
As others have suggested be kind to yourself and please accept any help that is offered.
It takes time to bond with a baby, I am sure when the time comes you will be fine in this respect.
Best wishes to you.

FREEHULLYxxDeepRedBetty Sun 03-Feb-13 00:34:46

I can't imagine how awful this is for you. One thing I do know is that it's good to talk about the person you've lost, so please, as 5mad says, tell us about him if you'd like. And had you talked about names for your baby?

DianaTrent Sun 03-Feb-13 00:35:51

Oh, Soppy, I am so very sorry. Cancer is such a cruel bastard. This is for later, but when your little one is here and you feel ready, do have a look at Winston's Wish for child friendly books and ideas of nice ways to help make him part of his child's life. For yourself, I heartily recommend Maggies if there is a centre near you. Don't think too far ahead for now, though, just getting through each hour is plenty good enough at the moment. Thinking of you.

SpikeHairandFab Sun 03-Feb-13 00:47:04

I am so very sorry,I hate cancer. Don't worry, you will bond with your baby,I'm sure of it,it will be part of your beloved fiance and you.My hart goes to you and all my prayers are with you.Be strong ,the time is the cure,just try to get through each day,xxx

Selks Sun 03-Feb-13 00:47:33

I am so very very sorry to hear of the sad loss of your Fiance. I don't know what else to say, but just wanted to send my condolences. x

Soppykiss Sun 03-Feb-13 00:52:22

Thank you all, just writing this is providing some comfort and I will definitely look into your recommendations.

I met Jon online about 4 years ago, I always said it was fate that we were meant to be together. We would often be at the same place at the same time. Jon proposed to me in November, we were hoping to get married next year, once the baby was old enough to toddle down the aisle.

Jon was very witty, handsome and intelligent - he gained a 1st at uni and had been working as an accountant. At the age of 31 he decided to go back to uni part time as he wanted to become a lawyer, he was offered a training contract at a human rights law firm for 2014. He had beaten 300 other candidates for the role. Jon was never smug with his intelligence either, always patient with me and would often proof read all my important work emails.

He was one of lifes nice guys, he would walk on the outside of me so he would be the one closest to the road. I set up a fundraising page in his memory on the 22/1 and as it stands today it is at £11,635 without gift aid. The comments are amazing, he really did touch everyone's hearts.

I've started putting stuff together for the baby, I've got his twitter and facebook account turned into a book. I'm going to print out all the comments from the fundraising page and put them into a book. I found a youtube clip of him being interviewed once, so baby will always know what daddy sounded like. Jon also wrote a blog when he was travelling a few years ago, I am getting that turned into a book too. I'm thinking about trying to sell it online and donating the money to one of the charities that gave him a great source of comfort throughout his illness.

I'm trying to be proactive, but it's at night when I struggle - I keep thinking about him when he was ill and I can't push those thoughts out of my head.

5madthings Sun 03-Feb-13 01:00:06

He sounds like an amazing man, I am sure your baby will grow up very proud of their father.

Its lovely that you are putting things together to share with your child, they will be very important to both of you.

Do you have pictures you can look at, of happier times and maybe some favorite music tracks you could listen to when you are struggling?

Sorry if that's a crap idea, I hope with time the bad memories will fade a bit and you cash focus on the good times but its all very fresh and raw at the moment.

Keep posting and talking if it helps, happy to listen just wish I had something helpful to say xxx

Soppykiss Sun 03-Feb-13 01:06:19

I've so many photos, I'm going to make a collage for his life celebration. I've spent the past few days scanning loads in. The idea of the collage is that people can take photos with them, hopefully giving them some comfort.

The great thing about Jon's mum is she has kept everything from his childhood. She had his scout uniform out the other day.

I hope the bad memories will fade too, I don't have a lot to do at the moment a lot of the estate admin has now been sorted out. The week after the funeral I am going to sort out our flat. I'm going to store everything, as I don't want to get rid of things in haste and regret it later.

I really appreciate just having someone willing to listen x

5madthings Sun 03-Feb-13 01:07:11

I as,m going to bed now but will check back in tomorrow and I am sure that when mnet is busier in daytime you will get some moire replies,I hope you get some sleep, take care xx

Soppykiss Sun 03-Feb-13 01:07:52

Thank you and good night - I appreciate you chatting x

5madthings Sun 03-Feb-13 01:08:26

You sound very organized which is great but take some time out if you need to some of the practicalities can wait if you need them to xxx

5madthings Sun 03-Feb-13 01:08:39

Xxx

Mosman Sun 03-Feb-13 01:09:33

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, your child will be so proud of his/her father and you for keeping those memories safe for them.

Titchyboomboom Sun 03-Feb-13 09:10:35

He sounds like a wonderful man, and what you are doing in memory of him is beautiful. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Please keep posting on here, there is so much support here for you. Xxxx

Workdrama Sun 03-Feb-13 09:44:31

He sounds like a lovely man. I'm so sorry for your loss. Remember it is very early days since losing him. Give yourself time. Just take each day as it comes. Don't worry about bonding with the baby yet. In a way, you still have part of Jon with you in the baby.
It isn't the same at all but my mum died when my dd was just 4 months old. She sometimes takes my breath away by giving a look or having mum's mannerisms.
Take care

5madthings Sun 03-Feb-13 12:18:26

Morning soppy i hope you managed to get some sleep.

Thr collage for life celebration sounds lovely.

Keep posting and one day at a time xxx

Soppykiss Sun 03-Feb-13 12:32:30

Hi 5madthings - managed to get some sleep.

Been sorting through my photos for the collage and I am off to see my parents soon.

Been trawelling through the internet trying to find out whether I am going to have any issues registering Jon as the baby's father. Looks like I might have to get a court order. So many issues araising to the fact that we weren't married. I can't claim any benefits either - frustrating thing is had we been told that Jon was terminal we would have had our wedding day. Instead we were led to believe it's a blip in his life and he would be fine. I feel so robbed, I'm trying not to be bitter but it just annoys me that his oncologist played god.

5madthings Sun 03-Feb-13 13:17:37

Its funny you should mentiom the bc thing as i was thinking last night that it would be awkward but agsin you seem to have it all in hand. You say you dont think you can do thus, but you are doing it and i am sure jon would be proud of you smile

It sounds like his drs thought he had a good chance of beating the cancer? If you think it may help you could contact pals at the hospital so someonw can go over everything with you and you should be able to speak to his drs. It may help give you some closure/answeres and if anything about his care or what they said to you wasnt as clear as it should have been it may mean the drs do things differently with future patients. That wont help you but it may help others and be something positive?

I guess the drs were working on a positive outcome but cancer is a bastard and sometimes even with a good prognosis things go wrong sad

I need to go get lunch for my madthings but i am reading, keep posting and i hope you have a nice visit with your oarents, are they local to where you are living?

TrinityRhino Sun 03-Feb-13 13:18:55

I'm so sorry for your loss
<hugs>

duchesse Sun 03-Feb-13 13:22:02

I am so sorry about the death of your beloved. Also glad that you have the support of your families. I hope we can be a support as well.

frustratedworkingmum Sun 03-Feb-13 13:23:49

Jon sounds like an amazing man. How cruel that he was taken away from you sad You have so much love and happiness ahead of you - it will be so so hard but you WILL bond with your baby, you will. You must ask for help when you need it, it should be out there for you, take it. His mum sounds like a lovely lady, let her support you. x

Thumbwitch Sun 03-Feb-13 13:24:03

So very sorry for your loss and your situation now.
I am glad that you have the support of Jon's parents - I hope that brings you all closer together. I think you will bond well with your baby, even though there will be sadness that Jon isn't there to see the baby born, at least you will have a reminder of Jon with you.

Much love to you. x

soppy I am so terribly sorry for your loss, at such a difficult and emotional time.

You seem to be doubting your courage, but to do all these things; books, just giving, that is incredible, proactive, and strong.

I am so glad your MIL is so lovely, she sounds very caring. Jon sounded an incredible gent, I cried reading it, for your loss, for your baby, and in reading true love, because that is what struck me.

I wish you all the best through this difficult and challenging time. Your child will be the legacy of a wonderful man, relationship, and the love you'll always have.

So sorry x

colleysmill Sun 03-Feb-13 13:26:01

I'm so sorry - the words seem really clumsy sad

A friend of dhs passed away suddenly when his fiancee was about your stage in pregnancy. I know that she changed her name by deed poll before baby arrived as she really wanted them both to have his name.

5madthings Sun 03-Feb-13 13:32:18

I thought you would get some more replies in the daytime, mnet may get called a nest of vipers but imo when someone needs support its more like a blanket of love and strength xxx

Lostonthemoors Sun 03-Feb-13 13:38:30

Soppy it sounds as though your finance was a wonderful person who was not only kind but also clever and dynamic. I am so very sorry that you have lost him sad

It sounds to me as though you will be able to draw on those wonderful reserves of strength that everyone else sees in you to bond with and be there for your baby. I think it is lovely that he knew the sex of the baby before he died and you will always be able to tell your son or daughter that.

Love and hugs to you.

xxxxx

inmyheadimthequeen Sun 03-Feb-13 13:48:31

Hi

Like others, I am at a bit of a loss as to what to say but wanted to send you my condolences and best wishes. Already even in your grief you are doing so much to give your child a great sense of what his/her dad was like, you sound like you will be a fabulous mum. Your bond with your son or daughter will happen of its own accord but it takes time for some mums, so if it does for you don't think it will be a permanent thing because what you have isn't what you planned, just keep taking care of yourself and your baby and the bond will grow. Thinking of you - I'd hug you if I could xxxxx

DrPM Sun 03-Feb-13 14:02:32

Have been thinking about you all day since I read your posts. You are an amazing person. Please don't forget about yourself whilst being strong for others. Take care and be taken care of.

Mehrida Sun 03-Feb-13 14:14:45

You sound like an amazing person. Have you thought about how lucky he was to have you in your life as well as how fantastic it was for you to have him in yours? Sounds like he was a very loved man and that is going to be one adored little baby when he/she comes along.

No advice really other than trying to take every hour as it comes. Try to be kind to yourself and remember it's ok not to be the strong one sometimes.

I am so sorry to read this. He sounds lovely and you sound so strong (no matter how weak you may feel!) I'm one of the many on here who will be thinking about you over the next few weeks and months. Keep talking. There will always be people here to listen.

On a purely practical level, you said you were struggling to sleep and that the doctor couldn't prescribe you anything. I used a hypnobirthing CD in the run up to DS's arrival and I don't think I ever got more than five minutes into it without falling asleep so it might be worth a try to help you relax. I'm sure I still have it somewhere so PM me your details if you'd like me to send you my copy.

Wereonourway Sun 03-Feb-13 14:31:01

I can't find any words to express how sorry I am for you.
A previous poster mentioned a name change by deed poll, I think that's a lovely idea.
Your fiancé sounds like such a lovely man and you are obviously a very special, strong lady.
It's heartbreaking that he has been taken away from you like this, there are no words to soothe that pain.
I hope you continue to find strength from each other and please do not worry about your bond with baby, I'm fairly sure you will be an amazing mum and that Jon will be with you every step of the way in your heart.
Ill be thinking of you x

runningforme Sun 03-Feb-13 14:45:18

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I've no advice to give, just wanted to send a virtual hug xxx

FarelyKnuts Sun 03-Feb-13 16:16:43

Hi soppy. I just wanted to check in again today to say you are still on my mind and I am thinking of you.

cafecito Sun 03-Feb-13 16:24:46

I am so sorry to read this sad my father died when my mother was about 4 months pregnant with me. He was really young and like you, she went through such a horrendous shock.

What I would say, is that she had a lot of support and met a surprising number of people in the same or similar positions, through what was then called 'the one parent family association' and her best friends were met through there, and in adulthood I am still enduring friends with the daughters of other parents she met through that group.

Also - things to do now, would be make a memory box to start building for your baby. Because I only have one picture of my dad and she threw everything away. Also keep in touch with his family and accept support and help even if you don't feel like you need it, lean on everyone. thoughts are with you x

girliefriend Sun 03-Feb-13 16:25:30

Am so sorry for your loss sad

Hope you are o.kay, do you mind me asking what kind of cancer was it? Frightening that it was such a short time from diagnosis, you must be in shock.

Thinking of you.

So very sorry.

Hugs ...

5madthings Sun 03-Feb-13 21:04:50

I hope you have had a nice days with your parents soppy and that you sleep well tonight, thinking of you xx

magoosmom Sun 03-Feb-13 21:18:41

Very sorry for your loss sad hope you're doing ok today x

QOD Sun 03-Feb-13 21:27:32

I'm sorry, very sad news, there are a couple of mums on here who are sadly in your situation and will be along at some point no doubt.

I have a friend who was widowed at 8 months pregnant with their 2 nd child. The only comfort is that the young one is a happy little soul who accepts that his daddy is the brightest star in the sky. he knows no difference. Whilst that's heartbreaking, he's just accepting of it, as that's how it is.

Life is so unfair. Hugs xx

sittinginthesun Sun 03-Feb-13 21:31:51

I so sorry for your loss.

I lost my dad a few years ago, and "met" some lovely posters on an Internet forum who were a huge support.

One lady in particular had just lost her DH to cancer - they had two small children.

I know that she found: www.wayfoundation.org.uk/about_us/ a fantastic support.

Thinking of you. Xxx

Soppykiss Mon 04-Feb-13 00:05:01

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I'm finding posting on here rather cathartic.

It was lovely seeing my parents today, my brothers were there also, which is a great help too. I struggle being at my parents, it's strange as they are my parents but I'm itching to get back to Jon's parents. They provide me with a great source of comfort, maybe it's because they are an extension of Jon.

I'm still stressing about the birth certificate, it seems like there isn't a lot of information for women in my situation. Who knows maybe a little later down the line it can be a project for me. I know I need to channel my energy into something whilst I am waiting for the baby.

Jon was diagnosed with cancer on the 18th September 2012 and died on the 18th January 2013. We had no idea that his cancer was terminal, his oncologist may have misled us who knows. One thing for certain is that we do need answers; Jon's parents are going to have a meeting with the various doctors involved in Jon's care. It's not something I feel that I can take part of; I know if anyone will get the truth for Jon they will. I just don't think I can deal with it and I know he wouldn't want me to either. Jon was very practical, even when he was very poorly he was still thinking of me and the baby. He wouldn't let me stay at hospital with him when he had an infection in case it affects the baby.

Jon had bowel cancer, however it had spread to the liver and it was the bowel cancer in the liver that killed him. He was only 32, and the hardest thing was telling him that I think he should stop fighting and go to sleep and have sweet dreams. I couldn't be selfish and ask him to keep fighting, if it were down to love and determination my gorgeous boy would still be here today.

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but a few days after Jon passed I set up a fundraising page in his memory as he was always fundraising and donating to charity. I knew that he was active on the Beating Bowel Cancer forum so I thought I would try and repay them for the help that it gave Jon throughout his illness. Last night Jon’s mum was on the forum trying to find his posts and she did, his first post said how great the site was and how helpful it has been to him. I know it might sound silly but I thought it was Jon’s way of telling me that he is happy with what I am doing in his memory.
I thought about changing my surname to his, as the baby will have his name. It’s not something I feel I can do right now. I’m still angry that we won’t have our special day – we had started planning it and looking at venues. I think when that bitterness has faded then it will be something I revisit.

Cafecito – thank you for your comment. I’m sorry to hear about your father. The one thing I am going to make sure of is that my baby knows who their daddy is. I am doing everything I possibly can to show them what he was like, how intelligent he was and I have lots and lots of photos. I’ve got 200 printed for his collage that I am displaying at his life celebration and that’s just a fraction of them. I’ve backing all my photos up online too in case I ever lose them due to a fire etc. My baby will know more about Jon than they will of me. I just worry that they might end up resenting and blaming me for their daddy not being alive.

QOD – my brothers and I actually had a similar conversation to your post. We did say that the baby won’t know any different, and whether that’s a good thing I don’t know. I guess only time will tell. What I don’t want to happen is that people take pity on the baby and try to over compensate for not having Jon around.

I’ve had a few conversations with people over the past few weeks and I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. This isn’t about me; it’s about Jon losing his life. I’ve lost the love of my life and my best friend but that’s nothing compared to what he went through.

I was petrified of giving birth, always thought I would be fine as long as I had Jon holding my hand. After seeing what he went through, I’m not scared of giving birth or dying anymore.

Jon never once moaned about his cancer, he turned around to me and his mum and said someone has to have it and it’s me so I just need to get on with it. Jon was so so special, I may have only had 4 years with him but I would never change them for the world. I'm so proud that I am having his baby, I just hope I can do him justice.

Thank you again for listening and caring x

MechanicalTheatre Mon 04-Feb-13 00:09:37

SoppyKiss I'm so sorry. Jon sounds like an amazing person and I'm sure you'll do him justice.

Big hugs to you, keep posting if it's helping you x

Lostonthemoors Mon 04-Feb-13 00:15:03

Soppy you both sound like very special people to me. Jon sounds very loving and kind and you sound like you will be a lovely mum - already thinking about what is best for the baby now.

xx to you

cafecito Mon 04-Feb-13 00:35:24

Soppy you're being incredibly strong. Jon will always be with you with your child and that is a really incredible thing. I'm just so sorry you're having to go through this.

I certainly don't think I was treated differently as a child at all, it was just how it was. I never felt especially different to the other children (although I realised I was different when I was 3 and attending nursery- and I asked why they had a daddy and I didn't- but my grandmother told me what happened and I remember vividly saying ''oh ok'' and carrying on bouncing on my trampoline. The only thing that has been hard is not knowing much about my father, my mother wouldn't really talk about him but I know some stories from his family and from my maternal aunt and grandparents. I wish I had more than one photograph, and I wish my mother had kept some of his notebooks and things (he used to be incredibly gifted at physics and maths and I would have been so interested to see this stuff). I guess, do be aware that the child won't miss Jon because they will have never met Jon, but that fact alone might be difficult during their adolescence - there could be a void - but it sounds like you have that covered already by backing up all the stuff you have. Also, if there are special hobbies or activities that Jon enjoyed, try and do them with your child- be it rockclimbing, or caving, or whatever. Little things like that will really make all the difference. I really haven't been affected by it growing up, to me it's as if my parents got divorced or something which is obviously really not uncommon. and you sound absolutely lovely - it's just so shitty and awful when such dreadful things happen sad but there are others out there, you are sadly not alone - reach out and share. Cry as much as you need to, and take as much help and support as you can for the immediate period after baby arrives which is likely to be pretty hard I would think emotionally.

(hope I'm not too negative or too patronising!)

keep on posting xx

Soppykiss Mon 04-Feb-13 00:55:00

Cafecito - not at all, it's all very insightful and a great help; so thank you.

Between Jon's mum and I, I think we can pretty much cover off his whole life. She has kept everything from his birth up to when he was at uni.

I've got Jon's twitter, facebook and travel blog turned into books. The baby once old enough will have a first hand account of their dad, his sense of humour and flair for writing. I want to do as much as I can to honour him. My memories of Jon will fade and distort over the years, so having these books will also help me keep him fresh in my mind.

Jon's passions were music and football - I'm keeping all of his cds and all of his football memorabilia. No idea what I will do with it once I sell our home though...

xx

cafecito Mon 04-Feb-13 01:43:36

you sound like you've got a great plan to help your child, that's really really great you've already been so thoughtful, soppy.

I didn't really see much of my father's family when growing up, which was a shame- maintain every link you can. also, I was bullied a little bit when I first went to school by some girls in the year above me- but the only reason is that I didn't know how to explain what had happened, I felt embarrassed (he waskilled in a rather tragic accident). It's less of an issue now about parents etc I'm sure for most children, but if you can instil absolute confidence in your child for social situations it will really help them, and make sure they know what really happened, early on in life, as early as possible really, just so it's out there and isn't a mystery to them. It just becomes a fact.

also, if you meet someone else, though this may sound insensitive now and I truly hope not, but it could happen - be sure to be sensitive to your child's perception of moving on, and be sure to incorporate Jon into all your lives, though of course you would, but - yeah, those are the main difficulties for your child I can really think of. You'll do really well because your love for Jon will be enduring xxx

5madthings Mon 04-Feb-13 13:42:36

Morning soppy all your plans and organizing to keep jobs memory fresh for you and your baby sounds lovely, amazing in fact.

I am glad you had a nice time with your family even tho its hard. Its really good you have support and that you are close to jobs parents, your baby will be very precious to you all.

I hope the meetings your in-laws have at the hospital go as smoothly as they can and help you all.

Thinking if you and sending love and strength xx

QOD Mon 04-Feb-13 15:04:10

The honest truth is that the little fella knows no different and, although I am sure it will dawn on him more as he's older, HE is not really aware he's any different to anyone else, or missing anything.
Their dd however, she was 7, ugh. Poor girl. And yet all anyone said was "ah how awful, the baby will never know his dad"
Coldly, from the outside, it's much easier for him.
Not so for his other family, but from the little boys side, life is how it is.

constantnamechanger Mon 04-Feb-13 15:08:13

I am so so sorry x

QuickLookBusy Mon 04-Feb-13 17:27:22

I'm so sorry Soppy.

Jon sounds like an amazing person and it is obvious how very much you loved each other.
I'm glad you have the love and support of both your families. Your baby will grow up knowing what an amazing Dad s/he had.x

chinam Mon 04-Feb-13 20:03:30

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Bonsoir Mon 04-Feb-13 20:14:29

I am so sorry to read about your loss, SoppyKiss. I know this is a long way down the line, but I had a coffee this morning with a friend who has a beautiful little girl the same age as my DD (8) - they went to nursery school together. The little girl's father died of a heart attack while jogging when my friend was 8 months pregnant. Things obviously weren't easy but 8 years later my friend and her DD have a lovely life and I know her DD has brought her joy every single day.

Ragwort Mon 04-Feb-13 20:20:34

So very sorry, deepest sympathy.

My father also died when my mother was 5 months pregnant, she said the whole experience made her very, very strong and she did a wonderful job of bringing me up (with help from her parents for the first few months).

She remarried when I was 4 and my step father (& his extended family) were all incrediby kind to me - obviously I didn't know any different.

Be sure to keep photographs, keepsakes etc to pass on to your child and share the memories, my mother never held back from talking about my father to me and even recently (she is 80 now grin) she reminded me to ask her anything at all as she knows she won't be around herself much longer ! It also helped to keep up friendships with my father's friends (ie: two were made Godparents).

Thinking of you, keep strong.

marmon Mon 04-Feb-13 22:52:31

Hi soppy, your story mirrors mine almost the same. My dp died 10 years ago suddenly, I was 5 months pregnant and also not married. I know exactly what you are going through and it is hell. If you wish to private message me then please do, I would be happy to listen. If you google Green Widow theres a book written by Rachel Green called A Matter of Life and Death and its a selection of interviews, including my own story of women who have been bereaved in pregnancy, it may help to make you feel less alone.
CRUSE is great but its probably to early for counselling, you need time for it to sink in.
As for bonding with your baby when my ds was born, the love I felt was so overwhelming and we are so close. He or she will be your little saviour! Like I say feel free to pm me and take care of yourself.

marmon Mon 04-Feb-13 23:06:14

With regards to birth certificate, when your baby is born you registrar the birth as normal but the father space remains blank, which for me at the time was heartbreaking. Anyway you need a solicitor who will draw up papers, sorry if this is vague but i think ive blocked alot out. The hardest thing was being told we had to do a DNA, its horrible but its law, particuarly if theres assets involved. But in my case like yours the parents are alive so they took the swab from them, after that it was plain sailing and the birth certificate with his name on was released, from start to finish was about 18 months.
Sorry to be the bearer of this news, its a long process but it does get done in the end and in 10 years things may have changed.
But its worth it when you see their name and occupation where it should be. It taught me that being married holds alot of weight in this country but living together can leave you quite vulnerable legally.

nenehooo Mon 04-Feb-13 23:42:58

Just had to post as, similarly to you and cafecito and ragwort, my Dad died of cancer when my mum was 5 months pregnant.
Having just given birth myself, I don't know how she did it. You are amazing just for getting through the day, and as for all the memories you are putting together for the baby - I would give anything to have that. I have a few mementoes but nothing specifically done for me - what you are putting together is absolutely priceless and will be invaluable for your child growing up.
I was brought up to believe that my dad had gone to heaven and couldn't come back, but that he was watching me because he was a star in the sky - the North Star. I took this literally and would talk to him out of the window at night! I still find my eyes linger on it to this day... and have decorated my baby's room with stars everywhere.
Although it seems hard to imagine now, you WILL bond with your baby. My mum said that I was all that got her through the darkest times, and I know that my existence is a massive source of joy for the whole family, simply because it was something good coming out of something bad. Although I still find it desperately sad that I never knew my dad, I have been completely spoilt by love - I have known more love and affection than I could ever have wished for and I'm sure your child will feel the same.
Thinking of you at this time and sending you positive thoughts for your journey ahead x

IcanandIwill Mon 04-Feb-13 23:57:58

My DH died last April when I was 8 months pregnant with our third child. Its hard, really, really hard. You may not feel like it but joining WAY has been a lifeline. You may not want to go to meet ups but the online group is a great source of support. I've met other widowed while pregnant of with very young babies on there. These people totally get it. Hang in there. I wish I could do something to help xx

something2say Tue 05-Feb-13 20:44:38

Crying at this thread. Jon sounds amazing. I am so sorry for your loss. Take good care xx

melrose Thu 07-Feb-13 15:05:24

I am so very sorry for your loss. You are doing so well and Jon would be very proud of you. Don't be scared to ask for help from those who love you and keep talking to us. You are in my prayers today xx

Lily311 Fri 08-Feb-13 05:28:12

I don't post on this site but your post made me to. My fiance died last May, I was 14 weeks pregnant with our daughter. She is now 11 weeks old and a splitting image of her dad. I registered her birth without the name of the father but gave her his surname. You might not need court order to register the father, this depends on your local register office, but you will need dna result from approved institutions, you can get a list from internet or register office. With dna result and the person who issues the certificate you need to reregister the birth and put his name on birth certificate. Dna can be taken from his parents or you can check whether the hospital kept any blood, tissues from him. It cost £485 for me to do the dna and an additional £35 for the person issuing the certificate to verify that the samples were indeed from your child and him/his family. It is still not over for me but I have taken the first steps. Hope this helps, there is limited information on the net unfortunately.

As for bonding, I felt the same. My grieve was so overwhelming, I felt constantly guilty about my baby. I knew and felt I loved her but couldn't feel close to her. This changed after the 32 week scan and I have to say I bonded her instantly. I have this urge to protect her as much as possible. She is a very stressed baby, not a surprise really, she was right in the middle of my pain. I am taking her to an osteopath weekly to help her and she is improving

I hired a doula for the birth, the best decision I have ever made. She was there along with my best friend, She knew what to do, what I needed. I got a trainee one so cost was low and I can't recommend her highly enough.

I also did photobook, put a memory box together for her. I have to tell you that my grieve is worst now than it was 6 months ago, knowing that my little girl will never meet her father is soul destroying. But she is a joy and I am lucky to have her. I am strong because of her, being pregnant saved me, I trully believe in that.

Pls pm me if you wish so, if you have any questions.

GrannyRatOnAScooter Fri 08-Feb-13 11:34:52

Delurking to say that I'm thinking of you today Soppy. Sending you strength and my very best wishes x

I am so sorry,thinking of you..you are incredibly strong.

frustratedashell Fri 08-Feb-13 11:59:53

Just found this thread today and im in tears. I see today is the funeral. I hope your parents and family and his family will be of some comfort to you. I really dont know what to say. I feel for you so much. I cant imagine being in your situation. I hope and pray that you will get through this. Your baby has a wonderful mother, Im so sorry your baby wont know their amazing daddy . Im sure you will tell her/him all about him as she/he grows up.
Sending you love and strength. x

pinkbraces Fri 08-Feb-13 12:09:38

Im so very very sorry for your loss. Jon sounds like a wonderful person and I hope you get so much comfort and joy from your baby.

Much love

IcanandIwill Sat 09-Feb-13 04:54:44

Thinking of you and hoping you are getting some rest.

NeverBeenToMe Sat 09-Feb-13 05:41:16

Hope yesterday went smoothly - you sound an amazingly strong person Soppy and I am sure you did him proud <hugs>

whatty Sat 09-Feb-13 05:42:44

Also thinking of you soppykiss. By some random coincidence, I think Jon worked at the same firm of accountants as my husband, as he talked about Jon over the past few months and told me when he passed away. Having had a baby four months ago, my heart went out to you when my husband told me the very sad news. You sound like you are doing so much wonderful stuff to ensure your baby knows Jon and how wonderful he was which I am sure they will treasure. I know that Jon was much loved by his colleagues and much respected too. I hope the funeral wasn't too difficult, and that you keep drawing on the support of all those around you- including your mumsnet buddies. Take care, xx

differentnameforthis Sat 09-Feb-13 06:46:44

Sorry for your loss

SanctuaryMoon Sun 10-Feb-13 20:19:36

So sorry for your loss, Soppy x

Titchyboomboom Wed 13-Feb-13 15:59:46

You have been in my thoughts since you posted the topic. Sending lots of love

Soppykiss Mon 25-Mar-13 00:25:43

It's now just over two months since Jon passed away and I honestly can't believe that I've managed to get through each day.

Jon's funeral was a blur, my main focus of the day was doing my reading, if I crumbled afterwards then so be it. Jon's family and I all managed our readings without breaking down, it was our love for Jon that got us through it.

We were amazed how many people came to the funeral, around the 300 mark. A mixture of ages and people that he knew, he some of his clients turned up. Which honestly was amazing.

I felt like I was in a gold fish bowl. I know people meant well but I didn't have a moment to myself. I had people saying the wrong thing to me throughout the day, two instances stick in my mind, one person moaned about their wife and I actually told them that they were lucky, harsh but true. Another person told me how excited Jon was when he told her about his proposal to me, and she started talking to me about the wedding planning. I told her it's not something I can listen to, and her response was at least you have your engagement ring and your baby. I've learnt that silence can say a 1000 words.

I still can't quite get my head around the fact that Jon is no longer here, it scares me to think that in time my memory will fade and with each passing year it will be another year without him.

My feelings towards bump have changed massively, before I was worried about resenting the baby and whether we would bound. Now I can't wait to hold my baby in my arms, it's having a sense of purpose that is now driving me. I need someone to love, my love for Jon will never fade but right now I have no where to channel it. I'm almost 33 weeks pregnant and my only objective is to get through my labour without focusing on the fact that Jon should be there with me.

I'm trying to focus my energy in a positive way and I must admit there are days when I do shut the door on the world, but then there are others when I think I need to do this for Jon/bump.

Jon's fundraising page has been live now for just over two months and in that time we've managed to raise just over 17k excluding gift aid. The tributes on the page are so genuine and heart warming. I always worried that when I spoke about Jon I sounded biased but the tributes just confirm everything I ever thought about him and a whole lot more.

The hardest part about losing Jon is that he wasn't just my fiance he was my best friend too, we shared everything and I've lost the better half of me.

Whatty - it is my Jon that your husband was referring to. The support the company have shown myself and Jon's family is truly amazing. Last weekend I found out that they had held a dress down day in Jon's memory and donated the proceeds to his fundraising page and a colleague of Jon's also donated his leaving collection too. It's nice to know that just because Jon is out of sight he isn't out of mind. I've had letters and donations passed on to me from Jon's clients. My boy touched so many hearts.

I want to thank everyone who has posted on my thread and to everyone who has shared their experiences. It really means a lot, and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to say thank you xx

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 25-Mar-13 00:54:06

Soppy, you and Jon sound amazing. Holding you and your baby in my thoughts xx

everlong Mon 25-Mar-13 18:26:26

Ah soppykiss thank you for updating. What a beautiful post. Your love for Jon is huge! It jumps out.
I'm so sorry he's not here anymore.. but his memory will live on within you and yours and Jon's baby. Always.

He sounds like an amazing man that was well thought of and loved by many.

Wishing you lots of love and peace in the coming months in the run up to the birth. X

Owllady Mon 25-Mar-13 18:33:17

oh sweetheart, i am so sorry but you are being so very brave x

Your memory of him wont fade either, it will always stay the same. I haven't lost a partner but a sister and I think of her every day, life goes on, but it doesn't mean you forget someone. I even watch stuff on tv and think she would like it iykwim, even now!

It's great people are thinking of you both. Do look afetr yourself

Soppykiss Sat 03-Aug-13 22:55:51

I know it's a little late but I thought I would update my post... I had a little girl, she was born 13 days over due. Thankfully Jon and I had chosen a girl's name, which was Yasmin. I've given Yasmin Jon's initials as her middle name, which is JP. I like the fact that it's rather unusual, when people ask her about her middle name she can always reference her daddy. She is absolutely amazing. I ended up having a c section, as her head wasn't in the right position and she weighed a whopping 11lbs 12oz.

scarlettsmummy2 Sat 03-Aug-13 22:58:15

Congratulations, that's a really lovely name. I bet her daddy will be watching down beaming with pride. Hugs.

beginnings Sat 03-Aug-13 23:00:53

Soppy I've only just found your thread but wanted to say many many congratulations. I hope you have lots of support as you get to know Yasmin and watch her grow into a beautiful beautiful girl.

sydlexic Sat 03-Aug-13 23:15:31

Congratulations, I hope she brings you much joy.

MoreThanWords Sat 03-Aug-13 23:19:18

Congratulations! Wishing you much happiness in this chapter of your life xx

bluestar2 Sun 04-Aug-13 20:46:29

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter. What a whopping weight. I hope as she grows and develops her own personality you will get to see the little traits of her daddy bloom in her and this brings you joy in your terribly sad times. Well done for getting to this point x

TwentyTinyToes Sun 04-Aug-13 21:57:47

Congratulations in the birth of your daughter and what a beautiful name! I remember reading your thread with tears in my eyes, i wondered how you were doing, thank you for updating. Sending you much love. X

I've just found this thread. So sorry for the loss of Jon but many congratulations on the birth of Yasmin and how wonderful to give her her daddy's initials as her middle name. I hope this is the beginning of a happy time in your life. Sending much love xx

ChippingInHopHopHop Wed 07-Aug-13 22:21:29

Congratulations smile It's lovely you had chosen her name together.

She certainly was a whopper shock

How are you doing?

5madthings Wed 07-Aug-13 22:28:08

lovely update, congratulations on the birth of your daughter and welcome to the world not so little Jasmin!

i am sure this time will be bitter sweet but i hope you are enjoying the precious newborn momemts, much love to you xx

5madthings Wed 07-Aug-13 22:29:20

welcome to the world yasmin...not jasmin, sorry auto correct!

Doha Wed 07-Aug-13 23:49:23

Such a sad thread but what a wonderful update.

Hello to baby Yasmin from all her MN aunties.

Congratulations soppy Jon will be smiling on you both from above and cheering you on

Mumrose Thu 08-Aug-13 01:35:19

Congratulations!Stay strong for your lil girl.May she bring lots of joy in your life and be a wonderful reminder of your partnerthanks

NatashaBee Thu 08-Aug-13 01:38:12

How lovelythanks congratulations!

ClartyCarol Thu 08-Aug-13 01:57:40

Congratulations, have just read all of this thread - so sad but also joyful - enjoy yours and Jon's baby girl. Wishing you much strength, courage and happy times ahead.

Childcareisscary Thu 08-Aug-13 02:09:04

Congratulations. I can't begin to imagine your joy after such a tough time. Enjoy her.

something2say Fri 09-Aug-13 18:41:02

Congratulations darling. I actually thought of you the other day. So pleased your baby has arrived x

honey86 Fri 09-Aug-13 21:47:57

sorry you lost your dp, i lost my dp at five months preg too... was the hardest time of my life but it eventually made me a stronger wiser person. big congrats on baby thanksthanks

BCBG Sat 10-Aug-13 21:18:33

Congratulations to you, and to Jon, and hello to Yasmin xx

everlong Sun 11-Aug-13 20:26:59

Oh that's such la lovely post.
Congratulations on your beautiful daughter. A lovely unique name too.

ChimeForChange Tue 13-Aug-13 19:07:02

Congratulations SOPPY - what a big girl!

Beautiful name, I hope she brings you and Jon's family such joy, he lives on through her.

Were you able to register Jon as her father?

Xx

listenwatchreadshare Tue 13-Aug-13 19:46:23

DH passed away when my DDs were 3 and 5, which is coming up to 10 years ago now.
It's been really hard. Especially the first two years of bereavement, which were just confused shock. I found the loneliness the hardest - the feeling that no-one really understands how it feels. I was also far too hard on myself, desperate to have a "normal" life and carry on as if nothing bad had happened to me at all.
I'd definitely give myself lots of advice on how to do things differently now. But I guess if I hadn't had that experience, I wouldn't know... So it was only by going through it and making mistakes that I could find out. Such is life.
We all deal with things in different ways, so I can't assume to give you any advice, but if you want to ask me anything or PM me, please feel free.
Wishing you and your DD lots of joy and happiness together - I know she will be extra precious to you.

Congrats to you Soppy on the arrival of baby Yasmin.

I know just how much you will love her, your heart is FULL of love, you can tell by the wonderful way you have described Jon.

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