My friend just killed herself

(91 Posts)
BoffinMum Mon 28-Jan-13 23:27:41

I just found out this evening. Not sure what happened. She was lovely, I had no idea.

kissmyheathenass Mon 28-Jan-13 23:28:46

Oh no. So sorry. What terrible news.

ch1110 Mon 28-Jan-13 23:29:46

Oh sweetie bless you. I am absolutely sure there was nothing you could have done.
Hugs
Auntie Claire

seasalt Mon 28-Jan-13 23:29:58

Sorry to hear that, hope you are OK.

LaVitaBellissima Mon 28-Jan-13 23:31:05

So sorry for your loss Boffin sad

RandallPinkFloyd Mon 28-Jan-13 23:35:01

I'm so sorry boffin you must be so shocked.

BoffinMum Tue 29-Jan-13 00:14:31

I am quite upset. She got rapid, massive depression.

BoffinMum Tue 29-Jan-13 00:16:03

Shit evening. Au pair walked out too, then son cut his leg and blood everywhere. Waiting for plague and pestilence next.

So shocked about friend.

BoffinMum Tue 29-Jan-13 00:16:47

Can't go to funeral.

Screaminabdabs Tue 29-Jan-13 00:19:08

I'm so sorry, Boff - hope you can find as much RL support as you need. Shock and grief are a potent mixture. There's a book called "The Courage to Grieve" which I'd recommend getting hold of when you've moved through the initial shock phase. thanks

BoffinMum Tue 29-Jan-13 00:19:37

Going to put my Paul McKenna sleep app on and try not to think about it.

Screaminabdabs Tue 29-Jan-13 00:20:35

Good idea - hope you get some rest.

BoffinMum Tue 29-Jan-13 00:21:22

Another friend came over until DH got home. Everyone is being nice. DS1 did bedtimes and is doing after school stuff tomorrow.

Screaminabdabs Tue 29-Jan-13 00:22:45

I'm glad you've got people looking after you.

Screaminabdabs Tue 29-Jan-13 00:26:09

The night-time crowd on MN are always good for support, if you need them in the early hours.

duchesse Tue 29-Jan-13 00:27:37

That's awful. sad What a terrible shock. Look after yourself.

Bad things seem to group like buses. Can you get an emergency au pair?

RandallPinkFloyd Tue 29-Jan-13 00:47:29

Lean on your friends and your family, they love you and will want to be there for you. Do try and get some sleep.

BoffinMum Tue 29-Jan-13 09:09:49

Slept quite well for about 6 hours thanks to McKenna app. People rallying around and I am so glad I have so many terrific friends. Have emailed my friend's son at Uni and offered him unconditional support.

How on earth can a lovely woman fall so far, so fast?????? I was the one with depression, not her! Or maybe I had treatment in time and she didn't ....

BoffinMum Tue 29-Jan-13 09:14:27

Shit, am crying on train, mascara everywhere. Shit shit shit.

Portofino Tue 29-Jan-13 09:17:52

Oh Boffin - how terrible! It must have been a horrible shock! (((hugs)))

lougle Tue 29-Jan-13 09:18:56

Boffin, so sorry.

nilbyname Tue 29-Jan-13 09:21:15

That is so so sad, how horrible for you and for your friends family.

Please lean on people and talk talk talk.

baby wipes are brill at rescuing make-up disasters.

SanityClause Tue 29-Jan-13 09:25:45

Bloody hell, Boffin, that's so hard.

A close friend of mine killed himself when we were in our early 20s. I remember saying to my DM, didn't he know how much we loved him? And she said, that that would make no difference, if he didn't love himself enough.

It somehow makes it harder and easier at the same time to accept there was nothing you could do. sad

Here's some thanks and a brew for you.

BoffinMum Tue 29-Jan-13 09:34:29

Will go into Boots at Kings X and get wipes when I get there. Good tip that. Love MN for that sort of thing.

I feel disorientated, not guilty. But I wish mental health treatment was a higher priority. I get fantastic care and consequently I've become very resilient. But that's because my friend is my GP. It shouldn't matter who is looking after you, and there should be faster acting, less toxic drugs.

BoffinMum Tue 29-Jan-13 09:37:08

Second friend to do this, btw. Feels like ruddy suicide epidemic. Life expectancy in my friendship group plummeting. Senseless waste.

kissmyheathenass Tue 29-Jan-13 10:19:54

Crikey, I remember looking at a holiday snap of a group of friends - 2 had died in the 2 years since the picture was taken (cancer and hit by a lorry). It was a horrid moment wondering who would be next.

Mental health treatment is a scandal. I got help because I went private (lucky husband number 1 could foot the bills). NHS treatment times are woefully inadegquate for something that can escalate so quickly.

I hope your friends ds is surrounded by support.sad

AuldAlliance Tue 29-Jan-13 10:52:08

Shit, Boff, just seen this.
Call me if you need, number still the same.
Huge, un-MN hugs from me to you.

I'm so very sorry for your loss sad

BoffinMum Tue 29-Jan-13 11:36:32

Her son has been in touch with me. He seemed to appreciate my email.
Trying to make it to after-funeral event.
Had a coffee and a go with the wet wipe, refreshed make up and actually managed to speak coherently in a meeting. It's amazing what a bit of support can do! Thanks MN people x

BoffinMum Tue 29-Jan-13 11:38:30

Managed to buy the wetwipes with Advantage card points therefore haven't even wrecked my no spend day for the other thread, and someone had even left 10p change in the self-scan machine <desperately hanging on to small pleasures>

Wondering - what things to read/think about in relation to loss of friends rather than family (feels like different type of grief).

PigeonStreet Tue 29-Jan-13 11:44:36

Hang on to any small positives you can boffin. I'm really sad to hear about your friend. Your concern for her son is probably very needed, I'm glad he replied. Hope the rest of your day goes ok.

BoffinMum Tue 29-Jan-13 14:22:02

I have found out a bit of background. She had a bad reaction to some medicine for heartburn, this stopped her sleeping for months, and then she just couldn't bear it any more.

Bloody hell.

duchesse Tue 29-Jan-13 14:36:00

Fecking hell, it's even worse to find out it was because of heartburn medication. What a senseless waste. sad

lurkerspeaks Tue 29-Jan-13 15:39:20

One of my friends committed suicide a long time ago. It is a strange way to be bereaaved.

As a recently bereaved adult child my siblings and I have really appreciated the people who have taken the time to get in touch and tell us stories about their relationship with my Mother. Someone even sent some fabulous photos of me as a 4 year old playing with their kids.

It certainly livened up an evening as my siblings committed fashion assasination at my brown cord jacket orange cord jeans outfit.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Tue 29-Jan-13 15:45:22

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I hope her son can take the small comfort she can finally rest now.

ClareMarriott Tue 29-Jan-13 18:52:10

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PetiteRaleuse Tue 29-Jan-13 18:56:35

Very harsh Clare people react to grief in all kinds of funny ways. I focus on small things when in shock, like wipes, and when you're grieving you do think about yourself. Wy shouldn't you? Not a supportive comment at all..

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Tue 29-Jan-13 18:57:44

ClareMarriott - that's harsh and uncalled for. She's asking for support not criticism. I've reported your post.

readysteady Tue 29-Jan-13 19:00:15

Reported

Abra1d Tue 29-Jan-13 19:02:45

Grief is personal, isn't it? It's about how we respond to something shocking and sad. You can only describe grief in terms of how you feel. That doesn't make you selfish at all. And that's why people come here: to express how they feel so that they don't 'burden' people in real life.

BoffinMum Tue 29-Jan-13 19:04:34

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ClaraOswinOswald Tue 29-Jan-13 19:05:40

So sorry, Boff. Can any of us help to enable you to attend the funeral? I'm in the South West and could help with childcare most days.

Elkieb Tue 29-Jan-13 19:06:14

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is personal because ultimately the person who has died feels no more mental or physical pain but those who remain must suffer.

BoffinMum Tue 29-Jan-13 19:06:45

That was aimed at Clare, btw.

Elkieb Tue 29-Jan-13 19:08:13

An ex-patient of mine committed suicide a while ago, and I'll never forget the grief and suffering on the families faces. Boffin- please don't feel sad about feeling sad. She was your wonderful friend.

WandaDoff Tue 29-Jan-13 19:09:20

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FiveGoMadInDorset Tue 29-Jan-13 19:11:01

Jesus Claire, talk about hitting below the belt.

so sorry to hear about your friend Boffin

QuickLookBusy Tue 29-Jan-13 19:13:12

BoffinMum ignore the shit.

We had a shocking bereavement last year, I know how shocked you must feel today. You ought to be so proud of the fact you made your meeting and kept it together.

Please be kind to yourself and take care.

PoppadomPreach Tue 29-Jan-13 19:14:29

ClareMarriott - why you felt the need to write such negative, unmitigated shite I will never know. You need to have a long, hard think about the kid of person you are if you felt that was in any way an appropriate comment.

OP, I am so sorry for your loss. I have (fortunately) only had to deal with a suicide attempt (my brother's) but it was just awful. Go easy on yourself.

So sorry to hear about your friend, look after yourself.

Ignore the nasty bile up there.

Anxiouswoman Tue 29-Jan-13 19:16:22

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amillionyears Tue 29-Jan-13 19:16:32

So sorry Boffin.

Glad ClareM has been reported.
There are not words to say about that post.

libelulle Tue 29-Jan-13 19:17:32

I reported too, that was a vile post Clare.

So sorry boffin, such a shock.

MrsWolowitzerables Tue 29-Jan-13 19:18:17

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Elkieb Tue 29-Jan-13 19:20:26

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So, so sorry boff x

Tobermory Tue 29-Jan-13 19:21:34

ClareMarriott- What a really horrible, thoughtless, mean post you wrote. Are you really so unkind that you think that is the best way to talk to someone who as jst suffered a loss? Words fail me.

I hope when you suffer a bereavement that people are kinder to you and less critical of how you handle it.

Tobermory Tue 29-Jan-13 19:23:41

And to Boffin, so sorry. Reaching out to your friends son was a very kind thing. My DM died when I was at Uni and I would have really appreciated very much a 'grown up' reaching out to me at the time.

Have just reported claire. First time I've ever done that.

Boffin

Be kind to yourself, grief hits us all in different ways. Of course you are shocked and upset, any normal person would be. Make sure that you try to eat, little and often is good. Drink lots of milk as well if you can.
I am thinking of you and your friend.

Michelle x

amillionyears Tue 29-Jan-13 19:24:44

ClareM seems to be a regular poster on MN.
Some of her posts seems reasonable, and some not, from what I can see.

ouryve Tue 29-Jan-13 19:27:40

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RandallPinkFloyd Tue 29-Jan-13 19:28:01

Please don't focus on one crappy post boffin. The whole point of you coming here is to get support for yourself.

No one thinks that is all you're going to do in RL. Everyone knows that in RL you will "man up" and do everything you possibly can to help and support her family and other friends.

That's precisely why you need somewhere to off load and process your own feelings of grief. Talk about whatever the hell you like whenever you like. There will always be someone here to listen.

thanks

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Tue 29-Jan-13 19:29:23

So sorry BoffinMum x

ToomuchWaternotWine Tue 29-Jan-13 19:33:20

So very sorry for the loss of your friend Boffin, I hope you find some comfort in good memories eventually when the shock has passed. Take all the time you need, it's a terrible terrible thing.

SpringyReframed Tue 29-Jan-13 19:33:58

Boffin, so sorry for your loss.

A friend of mine committed suicide a year or so ago, at a time when my own life was pretty shite. I did go the funeral and I was so glad I did. If you could possibly find a way to go, or even to the after part like you mention, go. It is very therapeutic for everyone to be together and talk. It is good for you and it will be good for them especially the family. It is also the best way of saying goodbye.

Im so sorry to hear that. X

MakeHayNotStraw Tue 29-Jan-13 19:37:06

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TheLightPassenger Tue 29-Jan-13 19:38:02

So sorry Boff.

LemonBreeland Tue 29-Jan-13 19:40:16

Boffin so sorry for your loss. x

BellaVita Tue 29-Jan-13 19:43:49

Sorry about your friend BoffinMum. Be kind to yourself xx

thekitchenfairy Tue 29-Jan-13 19:45:51

So sorry for your loss Boffin

Grief hits us like waves, sometimes when we least expect it, please be kind to yourself.

What a wonderful thing you did, to think of her DS.

alicatte Tue 29-Jan-13 19:54:27

I too am so sorry for your loss - there is, I know, nothing that anyone can say that will help but sometimes people get so low that they can't see that they are worth anything and sometimes they think some very extreme actions are for the best. I guess that's what people mean by 'the balance of one's mind being disturbed'. It is awful for the people left. My friend's sister did that - she was just so low. My sister in law (a psychotherapist) has had to drive people to hospital because they were getting like this. It comes out of the blue it seems. I am so sorry for you all.

Sunnywithshowers Tue 29-Jan-13 19:56:11

I'm so sorry Boffin. I lost a friend to suicide and it's awful.

Big hugs xxx

BoffinMum Tue 29-Jan-13 20:18:36

Hello, I am back. I have been emailing her son backwards and forwards all day and I think he's more or less OK now. We're prob going to meet up next week and I'll take him out for tea or something. Main thing he gets through his finals, which I think may be imminent. I know a lot of his lecturers, so that should help.

Coped very well with the rest if the day and now I know why she fell so far, so fast when it was so out of character, I feel less dreadful about missing the symptoms.

I am glad that post was deleted. Obviously I posted on here so I could 'man up' in RL. That is what MN is for, I reckon.

Everyone's support has been invaluable, and I passed some of the advice onto her son as well as it was so sensible.

Thank you x

MmeLindor Tue 29-Jan-13 20:24:06

So sorry for your loss, Boffin. Glad that MN has been of help to you, and that you have had some good advice here.

xx

xxDebstarxx Tue 29-Jan-13 21:01:36

Oh goodness me what a terrible thing to happen. It's so lovely that you are supporting her son and helping him through such a difficult time.

Ignore nasty comments. We all grieve in our own way and whatever gets you through is how you must deal with it.

Sorry for your loss.

toffeelolly Tue 29-Jan-13 21:11:53

So sorry boff, to hear about your friend. take care x

I am really sorry for your loss. I have experienced similar situations in the past and it is bloody difficult. we all deal with loss in different ways, there is no right or wrong.

going to the funeral can be cathartic, and I would attend if you possibly can. I am in s Yorks if I can help. pm me if you want anything.

my thoughts are with you. I have also used Cruise and found their service excellent.

BoffinMum Tue 29-Jan-13 21:38:20

Thanks for offers of help - very much appreciated but I have to represent my work at something v v important, and because it's not a relative being buried, ducking out would be a bad idea, whatever my personal feelings. Anyway, as long as I am able to help her son a bit I think that's enough hopefully.

MakeHayNotStraw Tue 29-Jan-13 23:00:20

I notice that my response to the nasty post was also deleted, which was a shame - but I'll repeat the main bit; I am so sorry BoffinMum, and I am glad that you are finding this thread a support. My prayers are with you and your friend's family.

BoffinMum Tue 29-Jan-13 23:15:34

Thank you, MakeHay. I think the post was so bizarre and misplaced I have probably wiped it from my mind already. As people rightly pointed out, if you criticise other people, where do you go when you need help?

chipmonkey Wed 30-Jan-13 00:01:52

So sorry about your friend, Boffin, what a terrible shock for you.

BoffinMum Wed 30-Jan-13 09:46:42

Still shedding the odd tear, but over the initial shock now, I think. I keep thinking about the lovely things she used to do for me, in a nice way. Looking forward to rolling up my sleeves and getting her son through his finals.

HeeBeeGeebies Wed 30-Jan-13 10:12:50

So sorry, thinking of you and her son at this sad time x

TomDudgeon Wed 30-Jan-13 10:34:20

Boff
I'm so sorry

If there's anything we april fws can do just let us know

BoffinMum Thu 31-Jan-13 16:28:33

Lost the chuffing FW thread.

AuldAlliance Thu 31-Jan-13 16:36:14

Have bumped it for you, Boff.
xx

trustissues75 Tue 05-Feb-13 15:10:31

Oh dear Boffin

I'm sorry. It is I imagine such a shock when someone who you think is ok is so not ok that they decide to leave life. Sleep deprivation does awful, terrible things to you: there is a reason it is used as an interrogation and torture technique. The problem with it is you are so often not believed by health professionals and it's just awful - I know from first hand experience. There were times when I seriously considered ending it all. There is nothing you could have done. Be kind to yourself.

BoffinMum Tue 05-Feb-13 23:13:50

Thank you.

Blondeshavemorefun Tue 19-Mar-13 03:44:06

Oh boffy sad

I've just seen this - I'm so sorry for your loss

'Blondes squeezes through iPhone and ((hug))'

I rem reading on your fb about the au pair quitting but didnt know your friend had killed her self as well

As you know - I sadly do know how you feel - much love to you xxxx

VestaCurry Tue 19-Mar-13 04:58:15

Very sorry you are having to go through this, bereavement by suicide is extremely tough.

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