my husband is critically ill, i am terrified

(378 Posts)
lemontruffles Tue 01-Jan-13 04:38:00

My husband has severe copd (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) and yesterday had a severe exacerbation. This means he couldn't breathe properly and is now in hospital.

He is on a ventilator, and not responding well to this treatment after about 40 hours on the ventilator. I am utterly terrified.

I've come home to try to sleep, but can't.

He is only 61. He is terrified too. I simply can't think straight and am in a new and appalling world where nothing is right and everything is terrifying. I can't stop shaking with fear. Please hold my hand.

EmpressOfThePuddle Tue 01-Jan-13 04:41:57

<takes hand> I'm so sorry, lemontruffles (good name by the way). I hope he's ok.

Ganetgob Tue 01-Jan-13 04:42:27

I'm so awfully sorry that you are having to go through this. Do you have anyone around to support you?

I can't imagine what this must be like for you. I am thinking of both you and your hubby x

lemontruffles Tue 01-Jan-13 04:46:06

Thank you. His adult daughter is here, and his brothers have visited, and my friends and family are very supportive.

I just can't accept that this is happening. It's surreal. The fear twists you up inside.

ravenAK Tue 01-Jan-13 04:47:16

I'm so sorry <takes hand>. Is there anyone in RL you can call to support you?

lemontruffles Tue 01-Jan-13 04:48:30

I am trying to make sense of this, and be realistic, and try to face up to the worst happening - he is very very critically ill - but the words in my head have no connection to my swirling terror inside me. I feel utterly adrift.

ben5 Tue 01-Jan-13 04:50:19

a frendly hug sent and abrew good luck to you all

lemontruffles Tue 01-Jan-13 04:57:09

So scared of getting 'that' call from the hospital. Can't persuade my exhausted body to calm down, everything is racing.

Thank you for your kind replies, I am very grateful.

Astelia Tue 01-Jan-13 05:06:15

Another one here who is thinking of you. I hope you manage to get some rest and get good news from the hospital soon. xxx

lemontruffles Tue 01-Jan-13 05:10:15

I do have rl people I could ring. But this night is the first time I've been alone since he was taken so ill, 2 days ago, and its helping me slightly to talk here, to write some words down. Thank you for replying, thank you for reading this. I am struggling to make any sense whatsoever of this nightmare that's struck my happy little world.

Dh is love of my life.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Tue 01-Jan-13 05:11:42

I'm so sorry to read this xxx
Have a cup of tea in front of the tv with a blanket. Even if you just rest your eyes for a short while it will help xx

So sorry you are going through this. Holding your hand too xx

Astelia Tue 01-Jan-13 05:50:57

I can hardly breathe at the thought of something happening to DH so I can't imagine what you are going through. I second wrapping up and putting the tv on so you have something to distract your brain. It might help you to drift off for half an hour. xx

Another hand to hold here xx

mathanxiety Tue 01-Jan-13 06:45:46

((())) to you Lemontruffles.

Isabeller Tue 01-Jan-13 06:53:38

Thinking of you all xx

ipswichwitch Tue 01-Jan-13 07:09:49

If its helping to post here then keep posting. Maybe it will help you sort through all the emotions you're going through. I hope things improve for your DH, but make sure you get some rest too, even if like others said you curl up with a blanket in front of the tv for a bit

MoreFrontThanBrighton Tue 01-Jan-13 07:15:19

Another hand for holding here. Obviously you are in a terrifying situation but then add in the 'everything is worse at night factor' and you double it. I do hope when the sun rises this morning that you draw some strength from a new day. hope you husband is a bit better today.

alli1968 Tue 01-Jan-13 07:26:13

i am here. i hope you have shut your eyes for a while. When you wake up keep busy until you can visit again. Eat if you can before you go, put painkillers in your handbag with a bottle of water just in case you need them. Then just go and be with your hubby. Surround yourself with support and take it. Deal with the here and now and don't worry about the long term you will deal with that then. Thinking of you and hoping your hubby had a good night xx

ThePoppyAndTheIvy Tue 01-Jan-13 07:31:18

I'm so sorry LemonTruffles, it must be an awful time for both of you.

I really hope your DH's condition improves at least a little today. Sending you both love and positive thoughts (and a hug).

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Tue 01-Jan-13 07:31:46

Lemontruffles how are you doing? How is your beloved DH this morning?

Hoping for good news for you today x

Thinking of you Lemon, xxx

niceupthedance Tue 01-Jan-13 07:38:32

My mum always said in a crisis just take one hour at a time. Hope you have had a rest. Thinking of you.

FlatCapAndAWhippet Tue 01-Jan-13 07:45:51

Heres my hand too x

Susieloo Tue 01-Jan-13 08:01:05

Hand to hold and thinking of you.

justabit Tue 01-Jan-13 12:49:06

So sorry you are going through this and another one here thinking of you.

Rosa Tue 01-Jan-13 12:52:54

Posituve thoughts for you ..How is he today?

muminthecity Tue 01-Jan-13 13:02:44

I am sorry to hear your news. If it's any consolation, my grandad was diagnosed with COPD about 10 years ago. He has been hospitalised several times, and been quite seriously ill. However, he has always responded to treatment eventually, and is still going strong now at the age of 85! I hope the same will be true of your DH.

Flossiechops Tue 01-Jan-13 13:03:47

Another hand here to hold. Thinking of you and your poor dh, hoping he pulls through x

lemontruffles Tue 01-Jan-13 19:35:19

I can hardly believe the kindness shown here. Thank you all.

My husband died at 10.30 this morning and I am bereft beyond words.

forthesakeofoldQODsyne Tue 01-Jan-13 19:39:28

Oh lemon, I'm so sorry

So suddenly too, I'm just sorry.

bluebump Tue 01-Jan-13 19:39:53

I am so so sorry to read this, my thoughts are with you and your family xx

blueshoes Tue 01-Jan-13 19:40:49

Lemontruffles, I am so very sorry for your loss.

Pancakeflipper Tue 01-Jan-13 19:40:55

Oh Lemontruffles.

You poor lemontruffles. .

Take all the support you need. If there's anything we can do shout - there's so much help available in this place.

I read your thread yesterday and just popped onto see if there's any news and to post a message of support.....

Kormachameleon Tue 01-Jan-13 19:41:08

I don't have any words to make you feel better and for that I'm sorry

I'm so sorry to hear this, I wish you strength the get through the difficult times ahead and will pray for you

God bless x

So very sorry to hear your sad news Lemon. Thinking of you. xx

cogitosum Tue 01-Jan-13 19:41:53

That's awful I am so, so sorry xx

MikeLitorisHasChristmasLights Tue 01-Jan-13 19:41:56

I was so hoping you weren't going to post that.

I am so sorry for your loss.



Hassled Tue 01-Jan-13 19:42:26

I'm so, so sorry. The strength of your love for him was so clear in your first posts - what an awful time for you.

roughtyping Tue 01-Jan-13 19:42:37

Lemon, I am so, so sorry to hear your news. Thinking of you xxx

tribpot Tue 01-Jan-13 19:42:54

So very sorry to hear this.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs Tue 01-Jan-13 19:43:15

So so sorry to hear this- how awful for you. Wish I had something more constructive to add, but I'm sure you will get lots of support here, and hopefully in rl too. x

BellaVita Tue 01-Jan-13 19:43:26

Oh Lemon, I am so so sorry xx

EmpressOfThePuddle Tue 01-Jan-13 19:43:33

Oh Lemontruffles, I'm so sorry.
You mentioned that there were rl people you could ring. I hope they're with you?

therugratref Tue 01-Jan-13 19:44:02

So sorry to hear your awful news. Take care x

CotherMuckingFunt Tue 01-Jan-13 19:45:25

I'm so sorry

Pooka Tue 01-Jan-13 19:45:28

So sorry.

Startail Tue 01-Jan-13 19:46:07

Lemontruffles, So Sorry,

timidviper Tue 01-Jan-13 19:47:26

Lemontruffles I was just about to post a message of support when I saw your latest post. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you will find all the support you need x

niceupthedance Tue 01-Jan-13 19:47:42

How terribly sad, I'm so sorry. x

overtheseatocalais Tue 01-Jan-13 19:48:16

My thoughts are with you. Mumsnet is a wonderful world and I hope you find some comfort from it at this awfully sad time. Deepest condolences. x

storytopper Tue 01-Jan-13 19:48:48

Just read this thread. So sorry to hear this news - such a young age. Life isn't fair sometimes.

Take care of yourself sad

PenisColada Tue 01-Jan-13 19:48:59

So sorry xx

JustAHolyFool Tue 01-Jan-13 19:49:00

So sorry lemon , that's awful news.

Hope you have people around you x

ipswichwitch Tue 01-Jan-13 19:49:16

Oh no, I am so sorry. I had been thinking of you both and hoped today's news was going to be good
Take care and I hope your family and friends are there for you xx

Just read this now, and I am so sorry for you. I hope the family and friends manage to support each other and draw together at this sad time. So sorry x

Oh LemonTruffles sad I'm so sorry to hear your news.

My maternal grandmother died at 52 of complications of COPD sad I hope you can rest for a while and that the coming days and months are filled with support for you at this awful time sad

ravenAK Tue 01-Jan-13 19:50:37

I am so sorry lemon.

HazeltheMcWitch Tue 01-Jan-13 19:51:07

lemon - I am so very sorry for your loss.
COPD is just awful.
Do please take care of yourself x

Oh Lemon, I'm so sorry, have been thinking about you all day. Much much love to you xxx

mathanxiety Tue 01-Jan-13 19:53:36

So sorry, Lemon.


GreenShadow Tue 01-Jan-13 19:53:47

My thought are with you.

MustafaCake Tue 01-Jan-13 19:54:19

I'm so sorry to hear this xx

chimchar Tue 01-Jan-13 19:55:21

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband.

I lost my mum very suddenly a while ago...I know that horrible feeling inside.

Please use mn as little or as often as you need. I found the friendly words of strangers really comforting at a time when I was unable to speak in rl about how I was feeling.

Sadly, there are many here who will know what you are gong through.

Sending you strength and courage for the coming hours, days and weeks. X

decktheballs Tue 01-Jan-13 19:55:57

I am so sorry for your loss.
I know no words that can help but an awful lot of people are thinking of you and your family at this time
(((((hugs))))) x

NatashaBee Tue 01-Jan-13 19:56:51

So sorry... I read your thread earlier and been thinking of you all day.

PrincessOfChina Tue 01-Jan-13 19:56:53

I'm so sorry for your loss xxx

Lilyloo Tue 01-Jan-13 19:57:02

I am so sorry lemontruffles xx

sittinginthesun Tue 01-Jan-13 19:57:22

Lemon, I am so sorry. No words, but hugs.

kissmyheathenass Tue 01-Jan-13 19:58:05

I am so sorry to read this. I wish you strength in the sad and difficult times ahead.

SwimmingLikeADuck Tue 01-Jan-13 19:58:19

Thinking of you - am so sorry xxxx

Happiestinwellybobs Tue 01-Jan-13 19:58:47

I am so, so very sorry for your loss x

I had also read this thread earlier and was thinking of you.....So sorry sad

ISawSantaKissingThePortlyPinUp Tue 01-Jan-13 20:01:23

So sorry Lemon to see your update sad

YoSaffBridge Tue 01-Jan-13 20:02:55

I'm so sorry, Lemon. So much love to you and all your family. Please try and take care of yourself xx

EchoBitch Tue 01-Jan-13 20:04:48

I am so sorry for your loss,i can't begin to imagine.

lougle Tue 01-Jan-13 20:04:49

So sorry sad

BettySuarez Tue 01-Jan-13 20:11:26

I'm so so sorry to hear this awful news sad

aJumpedUpPantryBoy Tue 01-Jan-13 20:12:39

So sorry Lemon

GreatCongas Tue 01-Jan-13 20:13:34

I'm so sorry lemon x

peggyblackett Tue 01-Jan-13 20:14:59

I'm so sorry lemontruffles. We are all here for you x

ajandjjmum Tue 01-Jan-13 20:15:32

I am so sorry Lemontruffles - I hope you have others you love around you.

peedoffbird Tue 01-Jan-13 20:15:57

So so sorry for your loss. Awful news

Mollydoggerson Tue 01-Jan-13 20:18:51

Lemontruffles I am so sorry for your loss. Take care, I am thinking of you x.

kennythekangaroo Tue 01-Jan-13 20:21:42

I am so sorry to read this.

toomuch2young Tue 01-Jan-13 20:24:11

So very sorry to hear your loss.
Hope you have people supporting you x

GaryBuseysTeeth Tue 01-Jan-13 20:26:58

So sorry for your loss Lemon.

Doyouthinktheysaurus Tue 01-Jan-13 20:28:02

Oh, LemonTruffles I am so sorrysad

Love for your husband shines through from your posts.

I wish you and your family all the best at this terrible time.

mrsharkness2 Tue 01-Jan-13 20:28:35

So very sorry to hear the sad news lemon.
Take care of yourself.

Hulababy Tue 01-Jan-13 20:29:14

I'm so sorry for your loss

I'm so, so sorry. I read your post yesterday and my heart went out to you. My darling dad died from pulmonary fibrosis when he was 60 - we always knew that if it came to him needing being to be ventilated it wouldn't be a viable option as he would never be able to survive off it. I really struggled when I heard that as I wanted everything possible to be done to save him.

My mum was bereft, as was I.

There are no words that are adequate at this time. Sending my deepest sympathy to you and your family. sad sad

BIWIshYouAMerryChristmas Tue 01-Jan-13 20:30:55

Oh what sad news sad I'm so sorry to read this, Lemon.

AlreadyScone Tue 01-Jan-13 20:36:43

Oh lemontruffles I am so sorry to read this. The world must look very different today. I hope you have plenty of support around you. X

Milliways Tue 01-Jan-13 20:46:06

I am so sorry to hear your news. x

Feckthehalls Tue 01-Jan-13 20:51:22

such sad news. I am so sorry for your loss

AgnesBligg Tue 01-Jan-13 21:01:29

How terrible Lemon, so so sad to hear this. Wishing you strength for the next few days as you come to terms with this shock. x

hillbilly Tue 01-Jan-13 21:02:32

I'm so sorry for your loss x

ratbagcatbag Tue 01-Jan-13 21:06:03

So sorry to hear your news, please take care of yourself and surround your self with people who can support you. X

Pickles77 Tue 01-Jan-13 21:07:46

Lemon I'm so sorry my thoughts are with you and your family

Varya Tue 01-Jan-13 21:09:13

Hugs to you and warm caring hand offered. Will pray for you both and keep you in my thoughts XXX

buttercrumble Tue 01-Jan-13 21:11:29

So sorry x x

FlibberdeGibbet Tue 01-Jan-13 21:15:16

I am so sorry lemon. You must be devastated. Thinking of you, and wishing you the strength to cope with your loss.

TheDeadlyDonkey Tue 01-Jan-13 21:17:45

I'm so sorry xx

Ingles2 Tue 01-Jan-13 21:19:08

I'm so sorry lemon... sad

I'm so sorry Lemon. Thoughts are with you.

IcanandIwill Tue 01-Jan-13 21:22:01

I'm so so sorry. All I can say is take one minute at a time. The pain is immense and you'll be in shock. I lost my husband very suddenly eight months ago. Thinking back to those immediate days after frightens me still. I wish I could help you now. Take it slowly and say yes to help. Much love to you x

Bullets Tue 01-Jan-13 21:23:16

I'm so sorry lemontruffles xxxx

usualsuspect3 Tue 01-Jan-13 21:24:06

So sorry Lemon x

Loonytoonie Tue 01-Jan-13 21:24:33

Thinking about you OP.

lechatnoir Tue 01-Jan-13 21:28:04

I'm so sorry lemon hmm

Rosa Tue 01-Jan-13 21:31:38

Oh no how terrible I am very sorry for your loss.

BabylonElf Tue 01-Jan-13 21:32:20

So so sorry for you Lemontruffles

Thoughts and condolences to you and all family members xx

DIddled Tue 01-Jan-13 21:37:10

Xxxxxx is allxxxxxxxx praying for you lemontruffles xxxxxxxxx so sad for your loss xxxxx

Susieloo Tue 01-Jan-13 21:37:44

I'm so sorry lemon, there are no words just so desperately sorry.

looneytune Tue 01-Jan-13 21:45:20

I have just seen this and wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family xx

Avuncular Tue 01-Jan-13 21:51:34

6 years ago my DW (age 56 - previously healthy) was admitted to Swindon ICU with a 20% survival expectation from acute pneumonia. She was under sedation for a week, with complications, and her heart stopped more than once.

The hospital opened up a guest room on the ward and I just lived there for 3 days with 24/7 access. She pulled through and recovered more or less fully though with many months rehabilitation.

The medics warned me and other family members that the priority for us was to look after ourselves - basic food, rest, care while driving etc etc. They were looking after her.

However during those first few days I came close to those 'ultimate questions'. We had 'made our peace' with one another while still at home while the health situation was deteriorating, so for me there wasn't any point in worrying about the uncertainties of the future:

If I did think, it would be 'if we lose her, she'll be oblivious then happy; it will be a big shock for me but things will work out somehow'. I was surrounded by friends. 'If she recovers then there will be a tale to tell.' Which she has.

MmeLindorNOTYET40 Tue 01-Jan-13 21:54:44

So sorry to hear your news, Lemon.

Take care of yourself


LegoAcupuncture Tue 01-Jan-13 21:58:07

So sorry to read this.

Hope you have someone with you. X

DisappointedPantomimeHorse Tue 01-Jan-13 22:00:35

I'm so sorry for your loss. You're in my thoughts.

QueenOfCats Tue 01-Jan-13 22:02:46

I'm so sorry for your loss lemontruffles sad

Jinglemyalanbells Tue 01-Jan-13 22:04:03

Oh my dear, im so very sorry for your loss. Just wanted to say, whatever 2013 brings, you have many amazing memories to remember and your love for each other will stay with you forever. Please take any help and support loved ones offer. thanks

snozzlemaid Tue 01-Jan-13 22:04:31

Lemon, so so sorry to hear your sad news xx

thekitchenfairy Tue 01-Jan-13 22:04:41

So sorry for your loss, what a heart wrenching way to start the year. You are close in my thoughts. xx

Flossiechops Tue 01-Jan-13 22:13:31

Oh no lemon, I'm so very very sorry sad

baahhumbug Tue 01-Jan-13 22:17:10

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss.

MovingOnNow Tue 01-Jan-13 22:23:15

What sad news. We lost my dad a month ago and it is now that the funeral is over that my mum is really struggling. Make sure you come back and chat in the weeks to come. I think it actually really helps to talk to 'strangers' - you can be totally honest. Take care.

rubyrubyruby Tue 01-Jan-13 22:25:32

Lemon - I'm so sorry xxxxxx

RockPaperScissorsLizardSpock Tue 01-Jan-13 22:28:38

I'm am so so sorry for your loss, take care of yourself xxx

candytuft63 Tue 01-Jan-13 22:31:01

Oh, I am so sorry for your terribly sad loss xxx
You have friends here, lemon.

CelticPromise Tue 01-Jan-13 22:32:32

I'm so very sorry. Wishing you strength and peace.

beachyhead Tue 01-Jan-13 22:35:06

So sorry to hear your news, Lemon x

I am so sorry x x x

bumpybecky Tue 01-Jan-13 22:55:08

Lemon, I'm so very sorry for your loss x

sybilfaulty Tue 01-Jan-13 22:58:59

I am so sorry for your loss. Take care.

Heavywheezing Tue 01-Jan-13 23:07:57

I'm so sorry. Sending you much lovexxx

PointlessCow Tue 01-Jan-13 23:10:25

So sorry lemon. Sending you much love and strength.

happynewmind Tue 01-Jan-13 23:10:36

So sorry lemon, sending love and strength.

LentilAsAnything Tue 01-Jan-13 23:11:17

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you. (((hugs)))

LaVitaBellissima Tue 01-Jan-13 23:13:58

So sorry Lemon, stil holding your hand here, keep posting, you are in my thoughts, huge hugs xxx

dottt Tue 01-Jan-13 23:17:45

Thinking of you

OldBagWantsNewBag Tue 01-Jan-13 23:19:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DizzyCow63 Tue 01-Jan-13 23:21:52

I started reading this thread praying for the best - my DH has the same condition (he is 42).

I cannot tell you how sorry I am, you are very much in my thoughts tonight xx

Northernlebkuchen Wed 02-Jan-13 00:32:31

I'm so sorry to read of your loss.

Some practical points - which you don't need tonight but you will soon:

Keep drinking. You probably don't feel like eating but you must get as much fluid in to you to help your body cope with the shock as you can. Hot, sweet drinks are best.

You will be cold. Shock does that to you. So dress with an extra layer and take scarves etc out with you.

There is all sorts of paperwork you will need to do but there are also lots of people who can help you with that. ASK them - ask your funeral director, the hospital staff, your vicar, solicitor etc to help you.

Unfortunately you will need to register your husband's death. When you do so ask for a number of copies of the certificate because some places such as banks etc may ask for orginal copies not photocopies and the more copies you have the easier things will be.

In all things follow your gut instinct. You gut instinct is usually right. Don't do the things that people think you need to, do what you need to. In the months to come you will look back at this time as an unbearable nightmare - and it is - but you will bear it and you will be able to draw comfort from doing things the way you felt they needed to be done.

So sorry once again sad

I am so sorry for your loss. Look after yourself.

So so sorry lemon thanks

Northern posts like yours are what makes MN the incredible support network it can be, lemon I hope when you are ready you'll be able to find a little of whatever it is you need here.

froufroulala Wed 02-Jan-13 02:23:06

In my thoughts, so sorry for your loss.

ben5 Wed 02-Jan-13 02:39:21

sad sending you love and prays on the start of a very sad journey for you all. I hope you are drinking lots of water and taking lots of help from people around you. thanks

MollyMurphy Wed 02-Jan-13 02:43:26

thinking of you and wishing you well Lemontruffles.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Wed 02-Jan-13 02:52:38

Oh my love, I am so very, very sorry sad

We are here if you want to 'talk' - it's sometimes easier to type away to strangers than to talk to people IRL.

Biggest hugs & lots of love

CornyClam Wed 02-Jan-13 03:42:17

I am so very sorry lemon sad x

MrsWolowitz Wed 02-Jan-13 03:48:03

I'm so sorry sad

Mulledandmerry Wed 02-Jan-13 03:59:06

So very sorry lemontruffles. My thoughts are with you x

lemontruffles Wed 02-Jan-13 04:11:23

I have just come to bed and read the astonishing number of posts to me, thank every one of you who has so kindly taken the time to write to me. I am really touched and very grateful. I am also very grateful to northern for outlining some practical things I will need to start tomorrow.

My family and friends are being amazing. I asked them for 24 hour help for the next few days, and they have made a rota between themselves. I couldn't ask for more or better support.

But I haven't got any meaningful words for today because words seem to have lost all meaning. I keep saying things which have no meaning. Like, my husband died this morning. I was there. In fact, I told him how wonderful he is, in every way, then told him it was time to sleep, he was tired so just sleep now, and that was it, he stopped breathing. It was utterly peaceful, just him and me and his daughter.

But I simply cannot connect that person in that hospital bed with the man who lives in our home. Where is my husband? The words, my husband died, are without meaning to me. I can't believe it even though I was there, its surreal.

Words just lose all their meaning.

Words cannot even start to express the feelings. Such a vast disconnect between what is coming out of my mouth and what is inside me, its so odd so terrible.

And yes, grief is like a vast silent inert stone inside your being. You can't think at all. Then its falling down through a bottomless space forever. Then lost in a tsunami of terror and panic and disbelief.

My husband is woven into a fabric with me. If he is gone, I am unravelled. I don't feel I exist now. He is part of me. He can't go, I ned him; he loves life, he was desperate to just get out of hospital and get home. So where is he? Why isn't he here?

Now I'm in bed, sooooo tired, but terrified to sleep and wake up and he's still not here and I have to start to understand that the bridge between my total disbelief that he's not alive, and the reality that he has died, might be breached. And I will be utterly alone, unravelled, bereft, terrified, desperate, grief itself, overwhelmed.

lemontruffles Wed 02-Jan-13 04:14:49

You are all so kind to listen to me. These words are beyond hard to write down. But I must try to express something, who knows what or whether it will help, and knowing you are listening gives me some support, thank you all.

Astelia Wed 02-Jan-13 04:19:54

I am so sorry lemon sad xx

TanteRose Wed 02-Jan-13 04:20:25

Oh sweetheart - your words are filled with love for your darling husband

I am so so sorry for your loss sad

cafecito Wed 02-Jan-13 04:21:17

Lemon I'm so sorry to read what has happened. My thoughts are with you.

cafecito Wed 02-Jan-13 04:23:16

It will be very surreal for some time. Let other people do as much to help you as they can. Or do it all yourself if you want to be busy. Do not be hesitant to as for help from friends and family, reach out to them or they won't know how to help you. Keep posting xx

I am so sorry for your loss Lemon.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Wed 02-Jan-13 04:24:19

Oh my love - I wish I could just hold you. I can barely see the screen for crying now, that raw feeling is just so intense.

I am pleased that you were there and that it was peaceful for him - it might not mean much to you now, but in time it will bring you a small measure of comfort x

The shock, the disconnect, the stone... you have described it so acurately sad

It is all consuming, overwhelming - I found it like a video playing in my head alongside all my thoughts.

The exhaustion, then not sleeping - not wanting to sleep because you don't want to wake up again... it is all so so so awful sad

I wish I could take the pain from you - no-one should have to go through this.

I can't remember the words exactly, but someone said something like 'The pain of grief is the price we pay for loving and being loved and it's a price I'd pay over & over again to have known that love'

You are not alone

cafecito Wed 02-Jan-13 04:28:03

northern gives good advice. You will get through this crushing loss, as much as you may not want to at times. Like chipping says, the pain you are feeling (mixed undoubtedly with utter horror and complete disbelief) is testament to your love for him and that love will continue forever.

So very sorry, Lemon. You write beautifully and so accurately that I have tears in my eyes.

I do so feel for you. The numb disbelief will keep you going through the next few days and weeks.

Best wishes and much love for your journey into a new and fundamentally altered world. We are all here to offer support and hand holding.

Look after yourself.


lemontruffles Wed 02-Jan-13 04:37:46

Chipping, you are right, no one, anyone, should have to go through this.

My husband was ill but full of life, plans, a sense of joy about life itself, he always, always did everything possible to make life better for all of us - me and 3 children. He cried earlier his year because he wasn't well enough to stand up and iron any more because he wanted youngest ds to always go looking super smart - we are poor, but ds would always look very smart.

Are these words real? Am I really telling you silly stories about my husband as though he isn't here? Thus just doesn't make any sense to me at all.

lemontruffles Wed 02-Jan-13 04:38:29

I am so lonely

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Wed 02-Jan-13 04:42:33

It is so huge that your brain just can not compute what it is being told.

It is impossible to make sense of it.

Are you cuddling something of his? A t-shirt/jumper - something that smells like him?

Sweetiesmum Wed 02-Jan-13 04:42:44

Lemontruffles I'm so sorry for your loss
I feel your grief and the very painful reality you are facing


Susieloo Wed 02-Jan-13 04:44:46

I'm thinking of you lemon, everything I want to say sounds trite in the face of your grief. It's truly heartbreaking for you xxx

I am so sorry for your loss lemontruffles

Trousersrolled Wed 02-Jan-13 05:33:07

I'm so sorry, lemon.

MelodyBaker Wed 02-Jan-13 07:34:31

So sorry. Xx

madasa Wed 02-Jan-13 07:37:26

Oh lemon I'm so sorry

I am no good at links but when you are ready there is a service called 'Tell us once'

I believe it is a local authority service. You ring them once and they then inform many of the other people that need to know saving you doing it.

I used it when my dad died recently and it was helpful.

Thinking of you x

SageBush Wed 02-Jan-13 07:41:08

I'm so sorry for your loss. Wishing you and your family strength and peace.

ChasedByBees Wed 02-Jan-13 07:48:48

I'm so sorry Lemontruffles. My thoughts are with you and your family x

RockPaperScissorsLizardSpock Wed 02-Jan-13 08:38:39

Hope you got some rest Lemon.
Just came on to give you a big virtual hug xxxx

RatherBeOnThePiste Wed 02-Jan-13 08:41:21

I am so, so sorry.

Sending you much love and keeping you in my thoughts X

ohmeohmy Wed 02-Jan-13 09:02:13

So sorry for your loss. Thinking of you

Lemon I am so so sorry for the loss of your darling husband.

You write about him so beautifully, he sounds like a wonderful person and I can feel the love you have for him.

Wishing you strength for the time ahead xx

newpup Wed 02-Jan-13 09:43:00

I am so sorry for your loss. My father died last year, he was 61 and the love of my mother's life. I really feel for you and hope you find some comfort in the kind thoughts of others. x

LouMacca Wed 02-Jan-13 09:46:40

So sorry for your loss. Thoughts are with you x

Rosa Wed 02-Jan-13 09:55:07

Lemon , there are many people on here who will listen and help whenever you need it , this week, next week, next month whenever. I wish you the best ....whatever that might be .

VestaCurry Wed 02-Jan-13 10:01:16

Lemontruffles, I am so very very sorry to read this sad. Little things you have said about your dh reminds me of mine and I cannot begin to imagine what you are having to go through. I have seen MN be the most incredible source of support for people who lose their partners. It will be here for you as and when you need it.
(((Hug))) Take care xx

ThePoppyAndTheIvy Wed 02-Jan-13 10:04:57

Oh, I'm so so sorry Lemon. Sending you much love & support.

DreamingofSummer Wed 02-Jan-13 10:11:11

Lemon So sorry for your loss. You are both in my thoughts and prayers. Take care

alli1968 Wed 02-Jan-13 10:13:43

oh lemon - i am so sorry - dont expect too much of yourself xxx sending you much love and best wishes xxxx

IsawFoofyShmoofingSantaClaus Wed 02-Jan-13 10:17:04

So very very sorry for your loss Lemon x

MrRected Wed 02-Jan-13 10:17:30

Lemon - your words convey so much. You are a total stranger but my heart aches for you so.

I am so very sorry that you are going through this.

MrsPennyapple Wed 02-Jan-13 10:20:32

I'm so sorry Lemon. It's clear from your words how strong your love for your husband is. The raw emotion coming through in your words is heartbreaking.,If any one of us could take the pain away even for a moment, we would. Take care.

cutestgirls Wed 02-Jan-13 10:21:20

dear lemontruffles, I am so very sorry to hear about your tremendous loss. Take the time to grieve and mourn your soul mate. he was so young and dear to you and you must feel his presence all around you. it is terrible pain, only time will heal your immense grief.

hugs and comforting words to you if this helps. i am actually shedding tears upon hearing this terrible tragedy.

may you only know of happier times...

weblette Wed 02-Jan-13 10:21:37

So sorry for your loss Lemon what a kind, thoughtful man sad

So sad to hear the news Lemon. Thinking of you and praying for you.

Northernlebkuchen Wed 02-Jan-13 10:43:24

He does sound wonderful.
Lean on us too now. We can listen and between everybody who will read this thread most questions can be answered. What we can't do is give you ease of a breaking heart - but we can hold your hand nevertheless.

homeaway Wed 02-Jan-13 10:44:21

So sorry to hear your sad news. Try and take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry to hear this. You write so beautifully about your husband and your time with him.

Take great care of yourself x

BellaVita Wed 02-Jan-13 11:01:10

He sounded like a wonderful man Lemon xx

Thinking of you and your family xx

Xenia Wed 02-Jan-13 11:42:03

How terrible.
If you need any help or advice on what to do let us all know. I learned a lot when my father died, I wound up the estate and I know quite a lot about financial and estate stuff and funerals, sadly. What I remember most is how very much there is to do all at the same time as you are dealing with a death. You can access joint accounts for immediate money. Banks freeze single accounts in his name though right away when they know about the death.

If he was 61 which for most people is not retirement age although it is for some careers, then there will probably be some kind of life insurance, death in service benefit and stuff like that.

For now just get the practical things done.

By the way order lots and lots of copies of the death certificates. You always need loads as copies are not usually accepted and we were glad we ordered about 10 of them not just one. You have to post them off all over the place.

Northernlebkuchen Wed 02-Jan-13 11:54:05

Op there is some benefits info here. You may be entitled to a bereavement payment and one of two allowances. Please have a look when you feel able. My sister would have missed out on this had it not been for the fact my mum worked for the DWP for a while and so knew about them. She was widowed aged 31.

Dinglebert Wed 02-Jan-13 11:56:46

I'm so sorry LemonTruffles. I too was hoping not to see a post saying that he didn't make it.

Don't forget - if it gets too much and your family members are asleep, you can call the Samaritans and they will listen to you

Take care x

everlong Wed 02-Jan-13 13:22:31

Oh no. I'm so sorry. You're right, there are no words to describe how you feel. Awful, terrible, sad just don't seem right. He sounded like a wonderful man.

I'm sorry.

ladymariner Wed 02-Jan-13 13:35:36

So very sorry to hear about your dh, Lemon, he sounds a wonderful man and it really isn't fair. I send you my love and best wishes xxx

lemontruffles Wed 02-Jan-13 13:45:38

The sheer heartfelt kindness and love and advice and support from everyone here is wonderful. If you can feel my grief, I can feel your support.

My husband was a man of integrity and devotion and kindness and unconditional love. He was the funniest and wittiest man I have ever met. He was full to the brim with life and energy. He was incredibly beautiful. He was astonishingly strong as he dealt with his devastating illness and never, ever complained even though he had to cope with greatly restricted life due to his terrible breathing problems. He always, always wanted to do everything he could to make better for us in every way he could.

Thank you all so much for listening to me. Writing it down is my way of trying to start to accept what has happened, although I can't yet and still have an almost total disconnect between the words coming out of me and the utter turmoil inside.

lemontruffles Wed 02-Jan-13 13:47:25

It is a great lifeline to be able to write here, especially during the early hours because I still can't sleep, and its hard to keep myself together in that lonely time.

JuliaScurr Wed 02-Jan-13 13:55:10
tribpot Wed 02-Jan-13 13:56:25

Please do keep writing, lemontruffles. There are many people on this site who've been where you are now, and I hope in a small way it will make you feel less alone.

I'm glad to know you are getting real-life support, please do let people do what they can for you.

JuliaScurr Wed 02-Jan-13 14:00:42

Look after yourself, take one day/afternoon/hour at a time; make sure you get nourishing food
we're all thinking of you

Xenia Wed 02-Jan-13 14:06:30

There will always be someone here to listen.

Northernlebkuchen Wed 02-Jan-13 14:52:41

Lemo - the second paragraph of your 13.45 post is a beautiful elegy for your man. Please get somebody to read that for you at his funeral or read it yourself if you can. I know I couldn't do it but you may. But use it. It's a wonderful tribute.

QuickLookBusy Wed 02-Jan-13 17:59:12

So very sorry lemon.

Your DH sounds like a wonderful man.x

countrykitten Wed 02-Jan-13 18:10:27

You write with such love about him and he sounds like a wonderful, wonderful man. My love and deepest sympathy for your terrible loss. I wish you strength for the coming days - be gentle with yourself.

MrsPennyapple Wed 02-Jan-13 18:33:17

Thinking of you, LemonTruffles. I do hope you manage to get some sleep. Even though I know you dread waking you do need it. I'm glad your family are there to support you, we are all here too. Tell us as much as you can / want to, and I sincerely hope it brings you some comfort.

Babyh200 Wed 02-Jan-13 20:17:40

So sorry xx

hellymelly Wed 02-Jan-13 20:21:32

Oh Lemon I am so very sorry.

clucky80 Wed 02-Jan-13 20:52:10

I am so sorry to hear your news Lemon. You write beautifully about your husband and he sounds like an amazing man. Thinking of you xxx

chimchar Wed 02-Jan-13 22:06:13

I'm still reading and sending you a hug.

You do write beautifully and as others have said, your love for your husband shines through your words.

I hope that you are able to get some rest x

countrykitten Wed 02-Jan-13 22:08:12

Yes - still here and still reading and thinking of you.

IwishyouaMerryChristmas Wed 02-Jan-13 22:21:14

Another faceless stranger sending you love.

Your husband sounds like a fantastic man, one that has gone too soon and will be sorely missed by lots of people.

Lots of good advice on this thread, I have no practical advice to offer but am able to offer another ear to listen and shoulder to lean on.


lemontruffles Thu 03-Jan-13 00:01:05

Is it normal to feel very disconnected from everything around you, then suddenly be completely totally drowning in pain?

Also, I can't accept that my husband has actually died because I cannot in any way whatsoever equate him with death. There is a vast gulf between reality and the inside of my head.

If I sit very, very carefully in 'his' room in our house (our dining room) surrounded by his normal things, I can very, very careful try to keep some control and keep myself away from the maelstrom for a while. I am terrified of losing my emotional footing because the pain is agony.

I simply can't believe this is happening.

lemon Whatever you are feeling is normal for you. Everyone reacts differently to situations. Do whatever you need to do. If that means sitting, do that. If that means crying or sleeping, do that.

lisad123everybodydancenow Thu 03-Jan-13 00:14:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Northernlebkuchen Thu 03-Jan-13 00:17:22

I think that's very normal. A terrible thing has happened to you and it's ripples will be felt for the rest of your life. Of course it doesn't feel 'real'. How you feel is the way your consciousness is working through this.

It's like a long thin bridge - you're going to edge along it - you know exactly where you're going but you've got to go slow because the bridge is too thin and fragile to go quick. As you go along you'll see more and more of what's around you and you'll get used to the way you're edging along but you can't go quick and you can't take a short cut.
Can I offer you a <<hug>>?

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 03-Jan-13 00:21:25

so sorry lemon thinking of you.

sunnysunnyshine Thu 03-Jan-13 00:21:56

My heartfelt sympathies go out to you lemon.

I'm a little further down the terrible road of grief, and I would say to take each second at a time. Put no pressure on yourself, just go with however you feel in the moment. It's can feel hard to have no control over our feelings but I found once I just went with them and accepted them, it was slightly easier.

Sorry, that probably doesn't even make sense. I wish I could help you. Sending you love and strength x

lemontruffles Thu 03-Jan-13 05:27:08

Another night with only 2 hours of sleep. I'm lying here trying to accept the maelstrom, trying to let waves of thoughts and feelings crash around me and through me without drowning completely. It's unbelievably exhausting and dark and lonely. Where am I going to find the emotional and physical strength to survive this? I have to, I have 3 children, they need me now more than ever before. How can I help them get through this when I'm being swept away myself?

These are dark bleak hours.

Thank you for being here to listen to me and support me.

thekitchenfairy Thu 03-Jan-13 05:40:11

I am awake, here,and holding your hand @lemon. I think the small hours are the darkest, the time when there is not much between you and your thoughts, but the depth and distance these can travel when the world sleeps seem further than daylight hours.

Your DH sounds like an amazing man, your love for him shines through. You will get through this, take each day one moment at a time. Go with your feelings, however hard this may seem, and the numbness is nothing to be frightened of, it is all part of the process. can you hold your children close?

Wishing love and strength for you at this difficult time.

MrRected Thu 03-Jan-13 05:42:32

Lemon, this is the least we can do. Your despair is palpable and I feel so very sad for you.

All I can say - having had some pretty dark times myself, is that from somewhere, it will come. The strength you don't want to need, the presence of mind to continue being an amazing mum to your children. You may be on autopilot but it will, somehow fall into place.

Hang in there. Count every hour as one that has passed. I wish I could do something practical or offer some shred of advice which would help.

Susieloo Thu 03-Jan-13 05:42:54

I know it must be unbearable and I just can't imagine what you are going through. You will survive and at the moment just breathe while your mind tries to comprehend and process what has happened.

Thinking of you xxx

mathanxiety Thu 03-Jan-13 05:58:44

If you're up, Lemon, just know there are people all over the place thinking about you and wishing you comfort.

poachedeggs Thu 03-Jan-13 06:11:39

So sorry for your terrible loss sad

KnottyLocks Thu 03-Jan-13 08:17:30

So very sorry.

Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. So sorry for your loss. X

ohmeohmy Thu 03-Jan-13 08:32:22

Lemon, winstons wish can help you help your children. they are very experienced. Call them.

Piemistress Thu 03-Jan-13 08:36:02

So sorry to hear about your loss lemons. Please take care xx

Casserole Thu 03-Jan-13 08:52:55

I am so sorry for your immense loss.
Xenia is right, there will always be someone here for you.
Just survive the next 15 minutes, is my advice. And then the nexr x

LottieJenkins Thu 03-Jan-13 09:16:47

I am so sorry Lemon. I lost my lovely dh suddenly to COPD eleven and a half years ago. I see that Northern gave you some advice. Not sure if she said this but someone gave me some advice. Send his driving licence and passport back to be declassified. The lady who told me to do this had had her late husbands passport stolen from their house by someone who tried to remove money from their joint bank account with it. Luckily the bank manager was a famiy friend and prevented it happening. Sending love and hugs............

MrsPennyapple Thu 03-Jan-13 09:37:19

Lemon I find that in times of crisis, when so many thoughts are flying round your head, this way and that way, banging into each other and exhausting you, writing them down helps.

Whilst they are buzzing round my head, they are not complete thoughts, they are fragments, half-questions, odd words and feelings I sometimes can't put a name to. The act of turning these thoughts into sentences seems to "complete" the thought, so it's no longer crashing around in my head. For me, it really helps to get them out of my head and onto paper, I hope it is some help to you too.

lemontruffles Thu 03-Jan-13 11:25:19

Thank you for all the practical advice and guidance you are giving me. I'm slowly starting to try to make a list of paperwork things that need to be done though its so hard to plan anything because this morning I can't seem to think at all, let alone organise and plan things.

My husband was an extraordinary man. He was full of imagination and he loved going off into great flights of fancy: he loved loved telling huge shaggy dog stories, just to amuse and entertain himself.

He was amazingly wise about other people. He was very non judgmental and exuded a heartfelt warmth to everyone around him. Other people loved him deeply. He never ever accepted any bullshit from anyone.

He was extremely physically and mentally adventurous, full of energy and zest. He was amazingly beautiful.

The last two years have been terrible. He has gradually become more and more physically disabled, and restricted by his illness. During this time he became fearful for the first time in his life. He changed from being fearless to fearful. But he continued doing everything he could to protect us, to love us, to never burden us with his fears.

He was a welshman through and through, and loved the countryside passionately. He loved walking, and we walked and walked together, in intimate silence, for many miles and many years. Then later we'd go to the pub, have a couple of drinks, and his happiness would flow out all around us, his sheer delight and joy about our walks,our lives together, us, everything alive in this world we live in.

When he was ill, and couldnt walk any more because his lungs were too damaged, he sat at home at watched birds flying, he loved crows because he said they were cheeky.

It's lovely to tell you a bit about him.

I am so heartbroken because how can I carry on without the man that I dream with, and walk with, and hold so tight. He never wanted to let me go, he fought for us to the very end, I am bereft beyond words.

lemontruffles Thu 03-Jan-13 11:27:07

I am writing partly to try to give some reality to this horror. I don't know if it helps, but this writing, and receiving your replies, is calming. Thank you all so much.

ladymariner Thu 03-Jan-13 11:36:28

Please continue to write, it gives you comfort and we're here listening to you, your dh sounds a truly wonderful man, and the joy of his his love for you wil always be with you.

I love crows too!!! Xxxxx

Justus Thu 03-Jan-13 11:40:03

Lemon, I have just come across your postings as I return to this site after some years, looking too for support.
But to you first, all of my very best wishes and hugs and thoughts. I agree with all the other who say you write so beautifully about your husband, so honestly. You come across as such a lovely person, and he must have been a lucky man to have spent precious years with you. It is terrible when someone close dies, must be awful for you watching him go, but you gave him all the love and support a person could want while dealing with such an experience. Be proud of that, and of your love for each other. You are a good woman, who loved him so well. You will always love him. Whatever happens in the future you will know, silently, that you have his love deep inside you, helping you through life. It is terrible now, but your joint experiences can never be taken from you. They are with you always.
And in the short term, when times are hard, do think about all of the posters here on the site who are willing you on, holding your hand and hugging you, if only in our thoughts.

BellaVita Thu 03-Jan-13 11:52:17

It is lovely to read about him Lemon.

I have been thinking about you and your family every day.

Much love xx

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Thu 03-Jan-13 12:10:06

It is lovely to hear about him - he sounds like a truely wonderful man. I'd love to hear more about the things he loved and the things you shared together, if you want to tell us?!

They say 'Better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all'. I know some people think it's trite, but try to focus on how lucky you were to have had him for the years you did have him, how happy you have been, how loved you have been - it's not something everyone has.

Lots of love and strength

Rosa Thu 03-Jan-13 12:38:12

Lemon its lovely to read about your wonderful husband he sounded like a great man. Glad you are managing to start to make a list there is some wonderful advice on here.

lemontruffles Thu 03-Jan-13 14:17:52

Can anyone tell me about rising panic? I am struggling to control a strong sense of terrible panic today, has anyone else experienced this? It feels as though its going to overwhelm me and break me, I'm very scared. I have a rota of amazing friends and family who are here day and night for these early days so I am not alone, but the panic is dreadful. Thank you all.

Susieloo Thu 03-Jan-13 14:28:54

I don't have any experience but I'm bumping for you in the hope someone more knowledgeable will come along xx

Xenia Thu 03-Jan-13 14:31:06

You certainly show your love for him. I am sure you will carry on because that is what he would want particularly for the child/children and because there is no other way than not doing what needs to be done and if nothing else it distracts people but do let others help if there are things they can do and tasks they can share.

I think a lot of people cope until all the arrangements are over, funeral is done etc and then perhaps that rising panic comes to the surface. I have not lost by death a spouse so I cannot entirely understand all your feelings but you seem to be doing incredibly well.

It is always hard to decide when to give in to thoughts and let them over take us (a good cry usually does people good) and when to try to change the thought to something else which is a well recognised technique but must be very hard if you are recently bereaved.

I think routines help everyone including children so if you can eat good foods at the same time every day and try to be in bed even if not sleeping for good long periods every night that will help.

Happiestinwellybobs Thu 03-Jan-13 14:46:06

I have no practical advice I'm afraid and there are others on here wiser than me. But I know that the panic will not "break you". You sound a strong person, even though you may feel anything but strong at the moment. I think this panic sounds like a very normal response to the loss of your beloved husband - who sounds like a beautiful man by the way. Don't be afraid to let these feelings out. Use your support network both in RL and on here.

I'm sorry I can't be more help. I am sending you love and strength to get through these dark days

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Thu 03-Jan-13 15:00:56

Lemon - how old are your children?

The panic is 'normal' (within a whole range of normal things, not everyone will get it, but most will). Part of your brain is in denial. Part of your brain is thinking ahead - worrying how you will cope without him, how you will carry on, how you will make decisions, wondering how you keep going - it is a BIG BIG thing to lose your DH, your partner - the person you rely on more than anyone for love, support, joing decisions... it is normal to panic. It is a scary feeling but it will happen less and less and less until one day it is, at most, a very occasional feeling. Try to hang onto the fact that nothing will actually happen, it's just a feeling - take deep breaths, actively think 'relax/breath', remember that your family and friends are and will be there to help you - you aren't alone. Essentially - talk to youself, be kind to yourself x

CornyClam Thu 03-Jan-13 15:46:47

Perhaps the feeling of panic is your body responding to the terrible shock of losing dh.
You must have been through so many extreme emotions in the last few days x

sittinginthesun Thu 03-Jan-13 16:12:22

Lemon <hugging you> panic is very normal. Your body is in shock, and your mind is trying to process everything that has happened and is happening to you.

When you truly grieve, your body shuts down certain parts of you that you need need - it also releases huge amounts of adrenalin to enable you to cope. There is so much physical stuff going on, that never gets explained to you.

Take one day at a time, be prepared for your body to react, maybe try and get some fresh air and go for a walk if you can.

And please keep talking. Xxx

Absolutely - your body does some odd, odd things to get you though this. Nevermind all the romantic Brontesque types of grief - for me grief when we lost my bil was composed of several deeply mundane physical experiences - firstly the feeling of utter crushed sadness when you wake up. The mornings were the most awful time of the day. Secondly and very unromantically - constipation. Your gut is incredibly sensitive and can basically pack up altogether for a bit. One reason why I urge you to drink lots! Thirdly - I developed a twitch in my right eye lid. Drove me mad. Just I was about to go the doctor it eased up.
Two women I know who've lost their fathers have both described the panic to me. In both cases it didn't hit them until after they'd got their mums through the funeral and thought they were getting back to normal.

What we all have in common through these different experiences of grief and loss is that we did get through it, we will get through it, you will too. These desperate feelings will change and pass. What will never go is your love for your husband. It endures forever. A bond that is unbreakable. Don't fear losing that because you never will.

Lemon, the panic is awful I know, especially in the first little bit, for me it was a physical pain, which was so frightening. At this very early time, all you need to do is breathe, let everyone around do the rest.

Keep talking and writing about your husband, you write such beautuful things about him. Will keep `checking in` and holding your hand. x

lemontruffles Thu 03-Jan-13 16:50:51

Such kindness, such thoughtfulness, such care from everyone here.

I'm trying so hard to just allow all the thoughts and emotions to flow around, without letting them overwhelm me, but they are so very strong I keep feeling utterly overwhelmed. It's exhausting and terrifying beyond belief.

The children are 22, 19 and 13, so not young - though 13 is pretty young. I am trying my absolute best to be strong for them. They just sleep most of the day and night at present. They cry when they need to, but none of us can believe this has happened. Why can't we believe this? But believing this unbelievable thing is impossible just now, I guess that's why.

lemontruffles Thu 03-Jan-13 16:55:13

Northern, you understand so much about grief. Yes, crushing sadness, mornings worst, don't know about the gut stuff yet although can't eat more than a mouthful at a time.

Dreams, yes, just breathing is all that can be done sometimes.

Oblomov Thu 03-Jan-13 17:05:25

So sorry to read this. Read your Op the other day and felt so sorry for you. Hadn't even noticed your next dreadfful post. So very sorry.
Tell us more about your lovely dh, Op. If you want to. I sure like reading about him. Its so nice to read such nice things, from someone who truely loves their dh.
I love my dh so very much. And I like hearing from other people who do too.

I am so sorry , I have no practical advice, because I have never lost anyone.
But we are all here to support you. Listen to you. That, we are very good at.

IslaMann Thu 03-Jan-13 17:21:38

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are very lucky to have had a love such as this. He was very lucky to have had you in his life and to have slipped away with you by his side. Sending you love and strength.

sittinginthesun Thu 03-Jan-13 17:50:33

Disbelief is normal too. Your body has switched onto automatic pilot, and in one way you feel numb, but the pain keeps breaking through? A friend once described it like standing on a beach, and being constantly knocked down by the waves.

After time, you will be up on the cliff, watching the waves. They won't be as powerful. I do know, though, that you may bit want to be there yet, because you actually need to feel this pain to stay close to your lovely DH.

I lost my Dad four years ago, and watched my Mum go through this. If she was reading this, she would say, let it wash over you. fresh air, and walks when you feel well enough.

Oh, and when the shock does wear off, you may feel a bit flu like. Normal too. My grief counsellor amazed me, as she could predict my physical symptoms, week by week.

RobinsBaubleSparkles Thu 03-Jan-13 18:18:25

I'm so sorry LemonTruffles. Your children are similar ages to my sister and I when we lost our dad. She was almost 23 and I was 13.

I hope you get lots of support in RL. Love to you all xx

Susieloo Thu 03-Jan-13 20:29:03

Thinking of you lemon xx

BettySuarez Thu 03-Jan-13 20:36:52

lemon sometimes I awake in the middle of the night listening to my husband breathing and watching him sleep and the love that I feel for him in those moments is so unbelievably strong, it is almost overwhelming and I find myself crying out and struggling to stay calm. The thought of loosing him, him simply not being there anymore is just unthinkable.

My worst nightmare is now your reality and I am so desperately desperately sorry sad. I wish more than anything that you and your family were not having to face this.

Betty x

OverlyYappyAlways Thu 03-Jan-13 20:40:27

So sorry Lemontruffles, your DH sounds lovely.

magimedi88 Thu 03-Jan-13 23:14:51

Dear Lemon,

The love you had for your husband shines out from your posts.

I so wish that you were not having to deal with this awful situation and my heart goes out to you.

All I can say, to give you a crumb of comfort, is that I am sure you are pleased that it is you left grieving, not him.

I love my DH more than life itself & I always hope that I am the one left to cope.

I would not want it for him.

May strength to bear you through the hard days come to you.

You are in my thoughts.


Lemon - it could almost be my dad the way you write. He suffered from a rare illness which then attacked his lungs. In less than a year his health deteriorated dramatically and the once active man I knew and loved, who enjoyed life to the full, who was a big kid himself at times - especially with the grandchildren and who was my rock after my husband left me - was dependent on oxygen 24/7. To watch him deteriorate like he did was excruciating sad

He rarely complained even tho every breath was exhausting, his resilience was amazing and his courage even more so.

When he died, I went into shock. I functioned on auto pilot. It didn't seem real. People offered me condolences etc and I remember thinking, this doesn't feel real - I was so detached. I felt so, so alone.

What Northern says about getting my mum thro the funeral and then it hitting me, is so true. My best friend said to me many months later, that she was so worried about me as I seemed so calm - then the grief hit me - it was raw and overwhelming.

Grief is frightening, overwhelming and lonely. My heart goes out to you. Be kind to yourself, wrap yourself up in a blanket if it helps. I wish I could take your pain away x

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Fri 04-Jan-13 01:29:33

Any age is a terrible age to lose your Dad, your rock. I was in my 40's when I lost my Dad and I felt far too young - teenagers/20 year olds, it's just so unfair. I so wish I could take this pain away from you all, to bring him back for you.


Thinking of you, Lemon. The early stages feel so surreal, don't they? My sister and I cracked jokes and developed a very dark sense of humour in the immediate aftermath of our father's death. We felt so detached, as though it was happening to someone else.

It changes minute to minute ... Just keep breathing!

Love to you. Xx

lemontruffles Fri 04-Jan-13 05:12:50

Another sleepless night, and feeling numb.

I found out today that the phrase 'seeing it in black and white', meaning that the words written down give the words meaning, is true. I had to register his death. Seeing his precious full name on the piece of paper, and 'widow' next to mine , and the causes of death, was so difficult. That's his name, it belongs to him, it doesnt in any universe belong on a lonely piece of paper without, oh how to put this, being attached to the real living him. His name now doesn't belong to someone who is alive, and how can that be true? That was overwhelmingly hard to understand, but there on the paper in front of me was proof that he isn't alive. The words really did look carved in stone on the paper. I still can't believe this has happened though; bewildering panicky confusion. So exhausting. Such pain.

But the panic has been very hard since.

Friendly your dad sounds amazing, a man of great strength and love for his family.
betty I'm a bit like you. I used to feel beyond lucky and happy most days to be loved by, and to love, my husband. Great waves of happiness at all sorts of random times when we were together.

I can't write properly today because so tired and so numb.

We were normal people. We had arguments a plenty, we could both be a bit, well, grumpy and argumentative sometimes. Sometimes he drank too much - and get very loud and daft. He could have a stubborn streak a mile wide which could be really frustrating to me. The last year, when he deteriorated badly, couldn't breathe without oxygen, couldn't walk anywhere, was terrified to go out in case people were smoking and the air quality was poor, this year was stuffed full of our fears and frustration, and sometimes neither of us dealt well with these pressures. Too many ridiculous arguments about very little. But oh, we loved each other, and trusted each other, without limit.

Thank you all for listening to me.

saffronwblue Fri 04-Jan-13 05:21:40

Lemon I saw your original post and am so sorry for your loss. You write so movingly about your husband and your marriage. It is the flaws and the pressures that make a relationship solid as well as the deep love.
Just accept that your body, heart and mind are in massive shock. Try not to make any decisions in the next few weeks- you may find that you are forgetful and find it hard to take in any new information.
You and your family are in my thoughts.

Solo Fri 04-Jan-13 05:42:57

Oh Lemon I am so sad for you and sorry for your loss.

You have such wonderful memories of a fabulous life with your dear husband ~ I can 'see' them in your words.
He will always be with you, in your memories and in your heart.

Please take care of yourself.

madasa Fri 04-Jan-13 07:50:52

Thinking of you Lemon.
Your husband sounds a unique and special man x

Xenia Fri 04-Jan-13 08:53:53

You are doing so well. It is perfectly normal to find it hard to believe the person is not there. Yes 13 (the youngest) is quite young to lose a parent. I don't know if you are older than or were younger than your husband but women are often the ones to have to bear the loss of the other.

You do need to eat and sleep if at all possible or the body cannot function properly, although it must be hard to force yourself to eat if you don't feel like it.

Rosa Fri 04-Jan-13 09:19:41

lemon it sounds as if you were a 'normal' couple with lots of love and the usual ups and downs I am sure many people can relate to your relationship. It sounds as if it was a terrible last year - tough on both of you. But the way you write about him shows a huge amount if love and respect. Nobody can take that away from you even if sadly he is no longer here to appreciate it.
How is your ds coping ?

Can you nap at all or if a friend drove you around in the car would you be able to sleep then? I always go straight off as a passenger in a car.

Susieloo Fri 04-Jan-13 20:59:34

Just posting to say I'm thinking of you, hope you managed to get some rest x

tigerdriverII Fri 04-Jan-13 21:12:22

Lemon, my heart goes out to you. Your DH sounds a lovely man and you had something very special. You will get through this, and remember him in the best of ways. Lots of hugs Tiger xxxxx

ssd Fri 04-Jan-13 22:56:54

lemon. I'm so so sorry for you and your lovely family...I lost my mum recently and your feelings are very familiar, just accepting what has happened seems like climbing up a mountain just now, just impossible, and anything else is too much to deal with

I remember reading something immediately when I lost mum and was feeling so crazy, you're not mad to have these feelings, its grief, its normal, even the overwhelming terrifying panic is normal, its just not normal to you as you've never been here before, but however you feel is normal to your situation

I'm so sorry xxx

Lemon - I saw this website linked on a Guardian article today. Thought it might be of help to you. The article was about the work a hospice has done with bereaved children and families - not trying to 'get over' a death but learning to 'bear to be with it'. I read it and thought of you. Hope you've had a little sleep at least.

LottieJenkins Sat 05-Jan-13 12:39:27

Lemon, i have been thinking of you and your family. I remembered you in prayers the other night at hurch and lit a candle for your dh when i lit one for mine and my Jack too................

Onlyjoking Sat 05-Jan-13 12:42:32

I'm so sorry that your Husband died. You are most likely in shock, everything feels different, looks different, is different. Northern gives sound advice and was a huge support when my DH died. The early days feel confusing, bit like being in a nightmare where nothing adds up. Memories float round and even something like setting or eating at the table feels too difficult. Take all the support you are offered, people are mostly wanting to help. There are a few online forums, WAY was very good in the earlier numb phase, just meeting other people locally who were widowed was supportive, I've made life long connections both online and in real life. Please let someone help sort out the paperwork and arrangements it's upsetting to keep having to talk about it all, it never feels right ticking the widow boxes. Winstons wish can offer advice. Depending where you live there might be a few counselling supports for yourself and the children.
Be kind to yourself, sleep and rest when you can. Eat and drink whenever you can, I forgot to do that bit and lost lots of weight.
The world must seem an uncontrollable place right now. Keep typing/talking, there is always someone here, who can hold your hand and listen.

blush OJ - that's very sweet of you to say. I remember Steve and the huge courage and love you showed.

Xenia Sat 05-Jan-13 13:39:04

Try get as much sleep as possible. Rest. Just go through each day as best you can.

I watched "Queen Victoria's children" recently on iplayer (3 parts) and she spent about 40 years never recovering from the death. Studies show some people manage to live with (you never forgive or forget) the death in 1 - 2 years for most people and a very few are locked into grief forever. I don't think psychologists have worked out how some people fall into one category or other.

TwoFacedCows Sat 05-Jan-13 14:09:36

Lemon, you husbands sounds so lovely. It sounds like you had a beautiful and loving marriage. What a nice comfort to know how much your husband loved you, and I am sure for him it was a comfort to know how much you obviously love him.

Your posts being a tear to my eye and make my heart feel very heavy with sorrow, and a lump in my throat.

The greatest gift we can all receive in life is to experience a love like you and your husband obviously had.

You are in my thoughts and prays, and i am sure your husband is looking down you with a big smile and lots of love.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 05-Jan-13 14:40:39

Hi Lemon, I just wanted to offer you and your family my deepest sympathies.

The way you talk about your husband is so very moving and beautiful. It is a pleasure to read about the life you shared and all the wonderful things that made him who he was.

I hope that you can find comfort in these memories, and that you and your family can continue to support each other through this painful time.

lemontruffles Sat 05-Jan-13 15:17:35

I cannot express how wonderful the support, advice and loving kindness of everyone here is. Thank you.

Things have changed in an extraordinary way which I'd like to share with you.

The day before yesterday was utterly terrifying, rising panic which I struggled to breathe rhrough

lemontruffles Sat 05-Jan-13 15:30:18

Posted by mistake:

I started to feel that I had no more strength to keep going, I was completely exhausted in every way, terrified, distraught.

Just at this point my husbands brother in law phoned. My husband's sister died very suddenly 15 months ago, so he is a recent widower. I don't know many people who have lost a spouse because I'm youngish to be widowed, 52 years old, so hearing from him was very important to me because he knows about this particular sort of loss. Anyway, he gave me some advice, and we talked about my husband in a normal way. During the call I could feel my thoughts calming and my panic lifted. Suddenly I felt very, very calm. A strange numb calm.

I just took this as a blip, but the terrifying panic hasn't come back; its been replaced by physical exhaustion - which I know will be sorted out with some sleep - and a deep deep sadness that he isn't here, and can't be here. This feels like the beginning of a path in a strange, bleak lonely landscape into my future, and I feel it is going to be very, very hard to start walking along it, but I'm out of the maelstrom.

lemontruffles Sat 05-Jan-13 15:42:31

Before I tell you what happened next, please let me tell you something about me. I'm quite an unsentimental person, quite pragmatic, quite grounded. I daydream a lot, but I don't have any problem understanding the difference between daydreams and everyday 'real' life. I'd describe myself as a realist. I want you to get a clear picture of me as I am before I share with you what happened.

Neither my husband and I were religious, although we both felt a deep spiritual attachment to the countryside, plants, birds above us, to nature and the natural world. This makes us sound rather new agey, which we aren't, he was a daydreaming pragmatist like me. What I'm trying to say is that spiritual matters weren't anything we discussed or focussed on. We found that long walks gave us an intense feeling of connection with our world, maybe you could describe that as spiritual, I don't know.

lemontruffles Sat 05-Jan-13 15:49:57

(I'm posting in bits as I go because I'm writing on my phone, and past experience has taught me its all too easy to lose everything by mistake.)

Yesterday I was calm, sad, horribly sad, but calm enough to begin the practical things I need to begin. My friend arrived to take me to the undertakers. As she left our house she picked up a very shiny penny from the pavement right outside our house, and gave it to me. I would never have bothered doing this, and she told me today that she wouldn't normally do this either, but she felt a need to, and did. It was, as I said, very shiny and bright, that's why it caught her eye, and its a 2012 penny. On the reverse side its got part of a shield - if you collect all the coins in this range you get a shield with 4 sections. This section has part of a welsh harp on it. I glanced at it, realised it was a harp, put it in my bag, carried on to the undertakers, didn't think about it at all, just had the thought of it in the back of my mind.

lemontruffles Sat 05-Jan-13 16:01:24

Much later in the day, after arranging his funeral, and making lots of necessary calls relating to various matters to do with his death, I remembered the coin, took it out of my bag and decided I'd find out if it really is a harp. It is.

One of the great joys we both shared in life was a love of music. He taught me how to love and listen to all sorts of wonderful music, he had great taste informed by joy. He had wide ranging and eclectic tastes, always finding some new thing to play to me - some wonderful, some more challenging shall I say. I don't know how to describe this, but for me, who was sad and depressed and emotionally repressed when I met him, the music he shared with me sort of represented everything good between us: that deep joyous flowing connection which is love. And as he became more ill, and eventually virtually housebound for most of last year, and we couldn't go outside together and walk intimately and silently, the music became even more important.

Remember, I'm not a sentimental person yet I knew somewhere inside me that he had given me this coin, and I felt a calm happiness that felt like a sort of protective warmth. Very deep and calm.

Rosa Sat 05-Jan-13 16:04:45

Lemon it sounds as if your BIL can give you lots of support. As for the penny keep it safe..... How are the children coping ? Hope you manage to get some decent sleep .

BellaVita Sat 05-Jan-13 16:09:25

Lemon, you write so beautifully.

As I said in one of my earlier posts I have thought a lot about you every day and wonder how you are and how you are managing to cope x

aJumpedUpPantryBoy Sat 05-Jan-13 16:10:59

Lemon, your love for your DH shines through every post you write.

Your posts bring tears to my eyes.

Charlie01234 Sat 05-Jan-13 16:18:13

I am so sorry for your loss x

lemontruffles Sat 05-Jan-13 16:19:05

Later on I went to bed. I'm sleeping on his side of our bed. There's a mantlepiece next to the bed which I put my shiny harp penny onto. I kissed it first. Then I noticed something odd: there's a clock of his on the mantlepiece. I put the penny down next to it. The clock is like this. It's under a small clear dome, and there's a clockface, under the clock itself is a sort of metal bar and on the bottom of the bar are 4 little arms which swing round one way, then swing round the other way - sort of like a pendulum except that instead of swinging back and forth, the little arms rotate one way then the other.

As I put the penny down I noticed that the speed of movement of these arms drastically speeded up, just for about 30 seconds, then slowed down to the normal pace. Here he was again.

This morning I took a step into our garden, and watched as 3 crows flew over my head. He loved those crows, his favourite birds, and he watched them every day last year - he couldn't go outside but he loved watching those birds.

I got several cards today, and felt I needed to open a certain one first. It had a poem on the front, which I've seen before but its never had any real meaning for me. I'll write it out in a bit; I'm sure you'll recognise it.

He's here, but not the way he used to be. He's something spiritual now, not human, we are in different spaces of this universe, but somehow - how? - he's finding ways to reach me and comfort me in this human world that I still live in. I can't really find the words for this extraordinary new understanding I have.

This is love, this is the whole and entire nature of love, and love is the heart and soul of the universe if we can quiet our human minds and allow ourselves to hear this other world.

This is not a sentence I can ever imagine ever writing, but it is true.

chimchar Sat 05-Jan-13 16:23:09

Lemon. I'm so glad that you have had some small relief from the awful all consuming panic and fear.

I love your story about the penny. I had a similar thing happen when my mum dies very suddenly and unexpectedly. I had a bright white feather.

Treasure it and if it helps you to feel close to your lovely husband, hold it or carry it with you.

Sending a little hug to get through another day. X

chimchar Sat 05-Jan-13 16:24:54

X posted with you lemon.

I'm glad you're finding some comfort from these special things that are happening.


KristinaM Sat 05-Jan-13 16:32:04

You are finding the strength that is within you. All the good things that you have learned from being with him, how you grew together and supported each other-all these things are not gone. They are part of you are not the women you were when you met. You will get through this and all these things will support you. Death has taken away the future together that you hoped for but it can't take away your past, the life and the love you shared.

lemontruffles Sat 05-Jan-13 16:33:34

I know I have this very rocky path ahead. At the moment I'm out of the 'world'. I'm at home, surrounded by support from my amazing friends and family who have cradled me, held my hand and cried with me in my deepest turmoil and despair. I'm scared of having to go back out 'there', and it will be difficult - one step, another step - I will be busy and I have a lot of responsibilities. Walking along this new path will feel as though I'm walking away from him, I can sense that, and I'm going to feel very lonely and sad about that. Oh, I miss him so much! So much. But he's giving me strength now, while he can, to understand that even though he can't be here in my human life the way he was, and I sense that he is going somewhere farther away soon, I will always have the love he showed me, that love is the essential nature of his new world, its true, its real.

But our paths are separating now.

It's incredibly sad for all of us. He didn't want to leave us, we didn't want him to leave, but none of us had a choice. Now we have to find the strength to slowly, painfully, with our love behind us, to take those first steps. This quiet time safe in my home is the time that I can grow strong enough to take that first step.

Thank you for reading this. Thank you all for your kindness and support and advice. You have all been part of the cradle that has supported me to reach this new place, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

BellaVita Sat 05-Jan-13 16:36:29

No, thank you Lemon for sharing your lovely DH with us x

7lbminigoals Sat 05-Jan-13 16:40:47

Much love and strength to you and your family lemon - you write so eloquently and with deep respect and admiration for your husband.
Your posts have moved me to tears x

nothruroad Sat 05-Jan-13 16:56:37

Lemon, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Your husband sounds like an incredible man. Your love for each other and for your family shines through in your posts.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. x

Solo Sat 05-Jan-13 17:02:09

Goodness Lemon you have me in tears with the depth of feeling in your words.x

Xenia Sat 05-Jan-13 17:02:49

You are managing wonderfully well. We are about the same age. Every day still I wake up absolutely delighted and amazed my ex husband isn't there. You are lucky that you had those years with someone you DID get on with although it must be impossible to see it like that for now.

As for spirituality most of us cannot know what exists beyond death if anything, but it may well be he is there somewhere watching and that does comfort a lot of people in these situations.

I hope you save this thread. It is a lovely set of descriptions of how much you love your husband and what a shock even after an illness death can be.

Oh Lemon - it's so good to read you've had these experiences. You are absolutely right. That love is there with you.

ssd Sat 05-Jan-13 18:28:48

hi lemon, I've pm'ed you, I hope you don't mind x

ssd Sat 05-Jan-13 19:12:39

lemon, this was sent to me when mum died..hope it helps you a tiny bit xx

" As i sit here in Heaven and watch you everyday.

I try and let you know with signs I never went away.
I hear you when you're laughing and i watch you as you sleep,
I even place my arms around you to calm you as you weep.
I see you wish the days away as you beg to have me home so i try to send you messages, so you know you're not alone.
Don't feel Guilty that you have a Life that was denied to me.
Oh, Heaven is truly Beautiful, just you wait and see.
Please live your Life and laugh again, Enjoy yourself, be free!
Then i'll know with every breath you take you're taking one for me."

TwoFacedCows Sat 05-Jan-13 22:47:36

Lemon, your husband will never leave you. The love you have described will never go. He will always be there.

I looked at my DH whilst i was reading your posts, and got a lump in my throat.

You are so very strong,

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 06-Jan-13 01:41:38

You write so beautifully. You have so much clarity of thought.

I am sobbing - for you, for your family, for me, for everyone who understands only too well what you have written.

You are very strong, but allow yourself not to be as well, otherwise you risk bottling it all up, we're also here for the days you aren't doing so well OK x truely are an inspiration. You write so beautifully.....keep doing so, it will really help you.

Much love xx

Jules146 Sun 06-Jan-13 13:43:32

My thoughts go out to you xx

Your words are so beautiful and moving. I am so sorry for your loss, but happy that you knew and loved a man as wonderful as your husband sounds.

namechangerforaday Sun 06-Jan-13 13:52:45

Lemon - I know its different but I had to post.

I found out one of my children had been abused by someone very close to us, the feelings you describe, the grief, the disassociation, the rising panic, the waking anew to the feelings each morning, those are exactly how I felt.

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't function, sleep, eat, care for my children, all normal behaviours went out of the window at the same time as having to deal with officialdom. I more or less abandoned my poor children, they didn't have a mum they had a robot.

It has taken me a year to reach some semblance of normality, but I have reached it. There have been other emotions to work through, rage, guilt when I felt happy - for a long time, it felt wrong to feel normal.

I am getting there now, I don't want to make this about me - I just want you to know those feelings do ease with the passage of time.

Also these helped me a lot, quiet life, I couldn't sleep or eat, these at least got me an hour or twos rest.

Also with the paniced feelings, 7/11 breathing, in for 7, out for 11, to your own count. It really helps, its the breathing pattern of a sleeping baby.

Grounding - keeping your feet on the floor, so you are ready for flight.

Lavender oils on my pillow and I burned geranium oil in a burner all day, I bought a beautiful fairy one for the living room and an angel one for my bedroom.

All these things may sound a bit hippish, but they really helped me - even if it was just a placebo effect.

You can get through this time, even though it may not always seem like it right now, your writing about your husband is beautiful, I know a few large North Walian gentle giants, your husband sounds like a wonderful man.

RabidCarrot Sun 06-Jan-13 13:57:01

So sorry for your loss Lemon

scottishmummy Sun 06-Jan-13 13:58:03

so sorry that your husband passed sad
who can support you?don't struggle on alone
take it minute by minute,focus on just getting by.try eat small and frequent.

JuliaScurr Sun 06-Jan-13 14:03:39

how you doing, lemon?
take it easy, one day at a time
if you can't do a day, do an hour
thinking of you

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Sun 06-Jan-13 14:15:22

Lemontree, it is a privilege to hear about your husband, he sounds an absolutely fantastic man. My heart goes out to you.

MunchkinsMumof2 Sun 06-Jan-13 15:05:44

I'm also very sorry for your loss lemontruffles and agree that your darling husband sounds like a gem of a man and you are soulmates, your grief is palpable and I haven't read a single post of yours dry-eyed. It sounds very trite but baby steps forward and the rising panic will gradually fade and you will somehow learn to live with the grief and your children will give your purpose. I am so sad for you.

Beautiful moving words, Lemon. You paint a wonderful picture of your shared love and values. They cannot be taken away from you and will sustain you in the times to come.

Thinking of you still and sending you love and strength.

thegreylady Sun 06-Jan-13 15:47:49

So very sorry for your loss.
I lost my husband in 1987 when he was only 46.
I remember so well the mixture of feelings in my case I even felt anger that he had left us [me and 2dc].
Your grief wont heal but eventually it will change.One day you will see the sunshine as a blessing not a mockery and the people going on with their lives will be in your world not a parallel universe.
Dont be afraid-he wouldn't want that.
I wish you peace and love always.

Chopchopbusybusy Sun 06-Jan-13 16:06:11

I'm very sorry for your loss. I can't think of anything useful to say, but I am thinking of you and wishing you strength to get through these hard times. Actually, the one useful thing I would say is that it's good to talk about your DH. As you are doing here, but hopefully in RL too. xx

LemonMousse Sun 06-Jan-13 16:46:49

So very sorry to hear your sad news.

I wish you peace and strength for the days ahead.

((((hugs)))) from one Lemon to another x

workhouse Sun 06-Jan-13 18:47:01

So very sorry x

DancesWithWoolEnPointe Sun 06-Jan-13 18:54:07

I am dreadfully sorry for your tragic loss. My thoughts to you at this terrible time XXXX

t875 Sun 06-Jan-13 18:55:39

Oh Lemon Im so sorry to read about your husband. huge {{{hugs}}} to you!! I lost my mum suddenly to a massive stroke 9 months ago and I still miss her like crazy it is a little easier now but i remember at the time I went through the panic you are describing, and some days still are tremendously hard i literally felt like I couldn't breath at times and like you when I look back I had people phone at the right time this also happened to my dad.

I also have had the coins and also have had fluffy white feathers random and other signs, random songs coming on the radio and we have also noticed birds, mainly a robin and the last two months 2 blue tits visit daily which Ive never had before! This has helped to give me little comfort, but my god I miss her.

I have also had me to get through but I have also been there for my dad.

Really feel for you and thinking of you and what a wonderful caring forum this is, with such great support! xx

JellicleCat Sun 06-Jan-13 18:56:16

Sorry to hear of your loss. Thinking of you.

Skoggy Sun 06-Jan-13 20:31:16

I'm so sorry for your loss Lemontruffles. You and your family are in my thoughts.

something2say Sun 06-Jan-13 20:44:49

Hello lemon,
I am so sorry to hear the news. Have read your thread all the way thro and cried on my bf whose dad died some years ago.
When you say that your hub is here with you in a different form, I understand completely. Read The Prophet on death and dying. You will understand.
My dear friend lost her hub on the day of the Olympic closing ceremony. She saw a robin in the garden and knew he was there too. They don't go do they, they just change form.
Lots of love to you x x x

oooggs Sun 06-Jan-13 21:14:40

I am so very sorry lemontruffles for yours and your familys loss. Hope your strength carries on. Thinking of you and your children

Northern has many words of wisdom, a very thoughful lady

lemontruffles Sun 06-Jan-13 22:08:28

namechanger your experience has been beyond painful and you clearly have a deep strength to have carried on with such a burden. And you are here, giving me help and support and advice, you are also a wonderful and loving person. Thank you.

I would like to thank everyone who has written to me; you cannot imagine what strength and comfort it has given me to understand that I have been surrounded by such benevolence and care.

My story has now changed and something extraordinary has happened. Before I continue I thought I would say that some people have talked about feeling angry when their loved person dies; I have spent a large part of this year angry at my husband's illness, and I don't think I have any anger left; only grief and loss; the anger is such a hard emotion I found, so distorting and strange, but I feel that one reason that I've been able to be calm enough to change these last 2 days is because my anger was already spent.

My grief has been that he is gone, and I felt that with his death our love has also gone. My terror has been because I cannot imagine continuing without this love except in a cold, lonely, bleak and sad world, and where would I find the strength to continue? And I miss him simply because I miss him; I want to hear his beautiful deep voice, and hear his words, and feel his touch, and he isn't here. and the ache of loss is heartrending.

He has spent the last 2 days teaching me lessons. If you remember, I am a pretty unsentimental and even slightly cynical person, quite pragmatic, emotional but not sentimental, and also deeply insecure about myself and my worth. I've been remembering: the only arguments I can really remember my husband and I ever having were around my deeply embedded insecurities. He had to reassure me over and over again that he loved me, and that I was worth this love. I knew I loved him but found it very hard to accept that he loved me as much in return.

He said I was the love of his life. He said that whatever I did he would always love me. He said he would always fight for us all, and he always wanted the best for all of us.

Yet I found it near on impossible to truly believe this, or at least, I'd believe it for a while, then get insecure, and argue, and he'd reassure me, I'd believe it again, and so on, and so on. What a shame, what a waste of time together that we could have spent doing more life enhancing things; however, I've forgiven myself, and did he, and I'm not going pull myself apart with unnecessary guilt.

This is some background for the next part. It's long, and please don't feel you must read any of it; I just feel a great need to share with you all because you have given me so much, and I want to share my new and strange revelation with you in return.

rubyrubyruby Sun 06-Jan-13 22:29:54

We are here lemontruffles xx

lemontruffles Sun 06-Jan-13 22:32:03

My husband has woven a story for me because he has lessons to teach me.

In an earlier post I mentioned the shiny penny with a Welsh harp on it, and the clock, and crows and the card with a verse on it. That evening I had also had a deep sense of his presence (when I went to the loo - ever dignified!) which is very hard to describe: I didn't feel an emotion, or think a thought, I just seemed to be in a state of what I can only describe as calm, relaxed mindfulness, and this seemed to make me aware and make me able to accept what was happening. I have a tendency to overthink things, so this quiet mental state is unusual, but that's what it was like.

Also, everything that I was doing was based on my deep instincts. This is also unusual for me because I doubt myself so much, but my husband has taught me to be more trusting, and enabled me to be less self-doubting; it's because he loved me that I could learn.

This second evening I decided I needed something to put the penny in. After a fruitless online search I remembered that I had a locket given to me by an aunt 12 years ago which I've never worn. I went to find it, and guess what, it's round, and my penny fitted exactly into it. It has a complex Celtic cross on the front of it - I am Scottish, he is Welsh, we are Celts through and through - and on the back is this verse:

May the road rise to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine always on your face
The rain fall soft upon your fields
And until we meet again
May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.

Another gift from him. I went and ate my dinner, and when I walked back into my sitting room I noticed a bright shiny little framed picture on a shelf in my hall. It's a fridge magnet my husband gave to me shortly after we met; a little snippet of Gustav Klimt 'The Kiss'. It was the first romantic gift he ever gave me, and I felt it was heartfelt and lovely, and kept it on my fridge for years. I lost it several years ago. Here it was, back again.

Well, this made me laugh. I knew that he knows that I'm a hard person to convince, either about signs like this - I'd tend to dismiss them as fantasy - or that he loves me - he was giving me deeply personal items, with deeply personal words or symbols on them that are a true reflection of the actual love we shared.

Then I tried to go on this thread, and it had vanished. I tried 'thread I'm on' and 'threads I started' but it had gone; very puzzling indeed. I tried a search with my nickname, and the thread appeared, then the internet connection disappeared, along with thread; he definitely didn't want me to come on here. I realised that this part of the story was this: he wouldn't want me to dwell on the recent sad days, and he knows I have a tendency to do this, but he wants me to listen to him: have joy in your heart, not sadness.

If this all sounds extraordinary and strange to you, I can sympathise completely! I've never ever had an experience like this, and it's hard to put it into my words because I don't want to sound as though I'm just making this up for self comfort: I'm absolutely certain that what I'm saying is true because my husband put a lot of effort and thought and fun into what he has done.

There's a bit more, and this is the bit that has excited me the most.

MunchkinsMumof2 Sun 06-Jan-13 22:53:40

Wow, lemontruffles I am spiritual and I truly believe that your dh is with you and can't see any other logical explanation for any of the signs. I hope the messages he's sending you are bringing you some warmth and comfort. I am thinking of you and sending love.

lemontruffles Sun 06-Jan-13 23:14:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lemontruffles Sun 06-Jan-13 23:25:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MunchkinsMumof2 Sun 06-Jan-13 23:27:23

It makes sense to me and I understand what you are saying. It's beautiful really that even in death, your dh is reassuring you about his unconditional love for you. He will help you through these heartbreaking days.

lemontruffles Sun 06-Jan-13 23:29:19

Do not stand at my grave and weep:
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I do not die.

MissPricklePants Sun 06-Jan-13 23:31:53

lemontruffles I am so sorry for your loss, I am crying after reading your posts, I hope you and your dc's have the support you need around you.

MunchkinsMumof2 Sun 06-Jan-13 23:33:41

Which bit has the typo, sorry I don't know the verse well enough to spot it?

lemontruffles Sun 06-Jan-13 23:45:35

The typo is in the last line. The original verse says 'I did not die'; my version clearly and definitely says 'I do not die'.

This is the key to his messages to me. Our love still exists. He is joyful and free and well and flying and happy and having fun within our love, somewhere in the universe that I can't see. It still exists for me too, here in my human world. He is giving me lessons so that I can recognise and find it in the world of nature around me. He is telling me not to grieve for his poor broken body: why would I? He is joyful and well now. He wants to convince me to truly believe in our love, and has given me both physical and mental and emotional gifts to completely convince me of these truths. He want me to understand that he may not be here physically, but our love is here, and will continue. He's not just offering me comfort for now, but hope for my future.

This sounds so mystical and strange!!!

I don't know what you will think about all this, but the sheer number of the contacts he's made have convinced me: and believe me, I'm a hard person to convince about most things (cynical old gimmer).

I definitely can't believe that I'm sitting here with a sense in my heart of celebration and joy; the pain of the days after his death still haunt me, especially at night, but he has tried incredibly hard to help me to believe in the love we have, to believe it's still here even though he isn't, and to feel the joy and happines life has to offer in myriad different ways - in my case in particular, through music, through the mountainous countrysides of Wales and Scotland, though language and verse, through picture. He loves me, he has given me these gifts because he loves me.

I simply can't tell you how strange it is to be writing these words. I am a down to earth, practical sort of person; really, I am the last person on earth you'd imagine would have any kind of mystical or spiritual experience, and be sharing that experience with the world.

Thank you all so much for holding my hand, for cradling me, for loving me in my days of deep and terrible despair. My husband's death has, quite simply, been the most traumatic time of my life.

Thank you for now listening while I try to explain, at some length, the extraordinary events of the last 3 days. I can't explain what's happened; I've tried to put down the facts, and thank you for listening, and for your patience with me taking up so much of your time.

Lemon, what lovely experiences, to have had such a deep love is such a lucky thing, many people go their whole lives and not experienced that.

Munch, I think the last line usually says `I am not there, I did not die`, I think the `do not` is very poignet to you Lemon. Much love x

aJumpedUpPantryBoy Mon 07-Jan-13 00:11:05

Lemon, I truly believe that as long as someone is remembered with love they love on. Your love for your DH shines like a beacon in every post you write.

aJumpedUpPantryBoy Mon 07-Jan-13 00:11:43

That should say they live on, not love on

lemontruffles Mon 07-Jan-13 00:12:28

At the risk of boring you to tears, I've had another present from my husband.

It's a slug. A baby slug. He knows I almost phobic about slugs, and because it's a baby it's kind of sweet - but it's a SLUG!!!

He knows I've understood his messages, and now he's having some fun, aaargh!!!

(do I sound quite mad? I'm not - this is really happening - I'm soo boring and normal, yet these extraordinary things are happening to me).

LentilAsAnything Mon 07-Jan-13 00:22:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LentilAsAnything Mon 07-Jan-13 00:23:58

JumpedUp, I think 'love on' is another wonderful typo from lemon's DH! He is indeed loving on. How apt.

MNPin2013 Mon 07-Jan-13 00:28:41

Your Very DH will be sadly missed LemonTruffles but it sounds like he is staying close by, my Dada did the same, draw comfort from this.

aJumpedUpPantryBoy Mon 07-Jan-13 00:32:29

lentil the really weird things is (and I swear this is true) I spotted it and corrected it before posting but it didn't post the correct version.

LentilAsAnything Mon 07-Jan-13 00:55:56

Wow! And woo.

Words fail me... XXXXX
the verse you quoted at 23:29 were said at my mams funeral 8 year ago, she was 53 and that verse has never left me. Time is a great healer Lemon you never forget but it does get easier xxxxxx

CornyClam Mon 07-Jan-13 04:38:16

That verse is beautiful lemon. X

Rosa Mon 07-Jan-13 06:36:56

Lemon you are amazing and your posts are magical. Wishing you strength .

lemontruffles Mon 07-Jan-13 06:51:40

Hello. I've finally slept after not sleeping more than tiny bits for ages. I feel yesterday and the 2 days before it were a gift from him; I felt protected. Today is bleak again, sad and lonely. This is going to be tough. This is just so hard. I miss him so much.

Thank you for listening.

madasa Mon 07-Jan-13 07:08:31

Thinking of you Lemon and sending you love and strength x

roguepixie Mon 07-Jan-13 07:15:23

Good morning lemon. I am glad you slept. Days will not feel all the same and the awful feelings you describe: bleakness, sadness and loneliness will rise up again and again as you make your way through this terrible time. However, your times of peace, calm and remembered joy will also rise, again and again and you will, I hope, gain comfort from it.

You are so eloquent. Your love for your husband shines through and I know he felt that love in his life and feels it now. He will never truly be apart form you - you hold him in your heart and tat means you will never to separated.

We are hear and we are listening. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your loved ones.

pink90 Mon 07-Jan-13 07:31:52

I have been in your position - my advice is be kind to yourself, don't do things because you feel you ought to ( socially ) but on the other hand don't close down on everything if you have children.

Time does not heal but you will learn to cope with your feelings.

Sending you best wishes

PM me if you feel you need to talk to somebody else who has been in your position.

Love lives on. It's as simple as that. That doesnt mean there aren't very hard and painful days as you are finding. You're doing really well Lemon.

YoucanringmySleighBells Mon 07-Jan-13 08:15:21

So sorry for your all the pain you are having to go through. I can see from your posts that you are having moments of joy and despair. Every day is a journey right now. I hope you go on to feel more and more joy from the things you are feeling. You sound like such a lovely person (as does your husband) and neither of you deserved this.
Take great care and keep coming back here to post. It really does help to pour your thoughts out and try to clear your head.

MunchkinsMumof2 Mon 07-Jan-13 08:51:28

Good morning lemon, I can imagine that waking is hard as you have the momentary feeling that all is well before you remember but your husband is willing you not just to exist but to live and by that I mean find some comfort from his lovely signs and the reignited memories of his fun personality. Have sweet tea, wrap up warm and sit where he would and watch the birds. You are going so well, your heart is broken and yet you write so movingly and beautifully about your wonderful husband. Allow yourself some pride for that alone.

IwishIwasmoreorganised Mon 07-Jan-13 09:55:57

The signs that he has sent to you are making me grin, even the slug! Your love is so deep that it knows no boundaries.

As today has dawned, your journey will be difficult and have its up and downs but underneath all of that you still have your love. That will never go.

Your posts and beautiful and written with such tenderness, I hope that writing is helping you to come to terms with your loss and make sense of these amazing happenings.


AmberLeaf Mon 07-Jan-13 10:20:00

So sorry for your loss Lemon.

I've been very moved reading your posts about your husband.

The love is palpable.

flowers xXx

JuliaScurr Mon 07-Jan-13 11:25:20

Hey lemon
hope it's a bit easier now
you will be up and down for a while
take good care of yourself, like we all would if we could be with you
one day at a time

Lemonylemon Mon 07-Jan-13 15:26:52

lemon Thinking of you. These early days are dark and very, very tough. Just one hour at a time. Don't worry about anything else apart from just getting through. You will do it.

The merry widow website is a great place in the early days.

From another lemon who has been there.....

ssd Mon 07-Jan-13 16:52:25

hi lemon, he'll come back to you again and you'll know, you'll feel him again....but I think sometimes they are away to where they are now and you just feel lost at these times....and these times are desperate, I know.

have so much to say, but don't want to sound weird, am thinking of you and relating to so much of what you're saying


MovingOnNow Mon 07-Jan-13 18:17:05

Hi Lemon. I hope you are doing okay. I wanted to tell you about something that happened to me. My dad died early in December. During his stay in hospital, we had had problems with my five year old son being clingy at bedtime and wanting to fall asleep on our bed. My son has special needs, probably autism, and we were going along with it. On the night my dad died, I was watching Katherine Jenkins in my room with said son lying next to me half asleep. All of a sudden, he started giggling and then he gave me a hug and looked straight into my eyes with a smile, bearing in mind eye contact isn't his strongest point. He then got up and went into his room. I followed him and he had got into his bed, so I turned out the light. He then said close the door so I did and as I did he said Goodnight mummy. This was the first time he had done this in months. I had a funny feeling as I had been with my dad in hospital in the afternoon and felt that he would be gone in the next few days. About an hour later, my sister phoned me to say that he had died. It was just such a strange thing. Also, when we visited my mum at home for first time, my son walked into their front room and came straight out and said Grandad's crying. I have no idea if these things have significance or not, but I quite like the feeling it gave me. Also years ago, I was driving home with my older son and he suddenly burst out laughing and giggled all the way home, he was just a bubba and quite a serious baby really. When I arrived home my mum phoned and told me my aunt had gone. Several times after that, I found my son playing peek a boo in his cot with an imaginary friend. I hadn't seen my aunt in years and in the end I visited her grave with flowers and said right I've been to see you now, can you pack it in with the spookies cos you're freaking me out! I remember telling a friend this story and she looked at me like I was bonkers. Maybe I am, but generally I am cynical and practical! Have a good evening. I know how much my mum is struggling at the moment.

JuliaScurr Tue 08-Jan-13 10:21:49

wine for later on

one day/hour at a time

t875 Tue 08-Jan-13 10:41:33

Thinking of you Lemontruffles, such a horrible time.

Hope you have got RL support for you and were here for you too. xx

I don't know if anyone mentioned this but when i lost my mum I phoned CRUSE 24 hour helpline a few times and they were great and im actually seeing them at the moment, after losing my mum so shockingly, literally she went to bed, I had a normal chat the day before laughing and joking then my mum who has been around me for 40 years had a massive stroke in her sleep and never woke up, the shock hit me hard around 6 months and i got very panicky and down, not depressed but wasnt feeling great.

So I thought I would try them and i'm glad I did it has been a real help to me and my dad is now going to see them in february after seeing me so positive about it.

PM me if you want to talk further.
hugs to you and thinking of you xx

MunchkinsMumof2 Tue 08-Jan-13 20:24:04

How are you today lemontruffles? Have been thinking about you and hoping that you are ok.

Thumbwitch Wed 09-Jan-13 09:12:35

Just found your thread, Lemontruffles - so sorry to hear of your loss but your later posts are amazing - full of love and wonder, and the messages from your fantastic DH.

You will have ups and downs, of course, but I hope that your experiences are helping to support you through the dark times. xxx

lemontruffles Wed 09-Jan-13 11:49:58

Hello again. It's a very busy time, isn't it, after someone dies? Just so many details that have to be dealt with, they're the awkward, time consuming bits. I'm surrounded by lists, lists and more lists.

Thank you to everyone who has been so kind and thoughtful to me. I'm very tired at the moment, despite starting to sleep a bit better, and think I'm going to try to rest for a day or two so that I don't become ill.

I've been deeply consoled by my new belief that my husband is now in a different, happier place, although I still simply miss him being here with me, and chatting together, and laughing about all sorts of things, and so on, and that physical loss is going to take a long time to get over. But I'm certain that he is now in a joyful place full of love, where he isn't constrained any more by the terrible limitations of his physical body and the illness that slowly wrecked it. I don't know how to explain this, or where he is, just that he is there, and still loves me, and that all with be well in the end.

I'm going to end here, at least as far as this thread goes. I just want to say thank you to all the kind, generous people who have shown such benevolence and thoughtfulness and kindness to me during the darkest days I've had in my life; you have been a valuable part of the support and love that I've been shown, and I've realised an important lesson which is that people can be full of goodness even towards a stranger like me and that this goodness is at the heart of love.

lemontruffles Wed 09-Jan-13 11:58:00

Oh, and thank you to those people who have shared experiences similar to mine. I finding that it's hard to tell some other people about such unusual and strange and wondrous things because unless you've experienced something similar yourself, other people can wonder what you're talking about - I know I've been this person myself for most of my life.

There are definitely things beyond this world that we live in now. I don't know what they are, or how they are connected to us here, but it's a place where our souls go after death, and my husband has gone to a place which he has clearly told me is full of joy and love. He's also clearly told me not to try to find out where he is; I mustn't start speculating about the afterlife, it's dangerous and will drive me nuts; I can only accept that he's there, and in his celtic blessing he has reassured me that we will meet again.

I guess true love never dies, and in this I find hope and joy for the present and for the future.

BellaVita Wed 09-Jan-13 15:35:53

LemonTruffles for you thanks xxx

A beautiful testimony lemon - I will continue to think of you over the coming days/weeks/ months x

lemontruffles Mon 14-Jan-13 23:17:23

Hello everyone.

It's been a while since I wrote on here, but I keep thinking about this thread and wanted to return.

jumpedup thank you for your typo! Spot on: Love on. Yes, that's the message smile

I've had such a strange time since my husband died, I hardly know what to make of it. Because of the extraordinary ways that he has communicated with me, when I'm able to hear him, when I'm in a quiet reflective place where I can hear what he's saying, it's hard to know whether he's here or whether not. Has he left? - well, he definitely has left physically - or not?

I miss his physical presence so badly. I wish I could hear his voice. I wish he could kiss me, and hug me like he'd never let me go. I wish he was just here in our house, and, well, here; just him, like normal, a bit grumpy, or a cheerful, or a bit worried, or encouraging, you know, just him, here, like normal. My children miss him this way. so do I. We all miss him.This hurts, and sometimes it hurts so badlly it's hard to keep going.

Yet he seems to have told me, somehow (how????) that he's in a wonderful place, full of love, full of joy. And flying. He's given me about 30 presents: this is no coincidence.

Everything of any significance that I have been given has been a gift, something given to me that I have needed to be able to receive when I am in a calm, quiet place inside me.

Honestly, if you met me, you'd be absolutely astonished that I'm saying these things. I am such a middle of the road kind of person! I live a quiet, happy life with my husband and kids. I work. I cook and clean (occassionally....) and sew and knit and read and write and dream a bit and a bit of gardening: I am a happy, quiet person. I am a bit cynical. I am aware that people are rationalizing, but not necessarily rational. I am quite silly. I dance madly when I've had a couple of drinks. I'm soooo ordinary.

Yet I've had an amazing, extraordinary, flying, wonderful love in my life, and that makes me amazing and that takes me beyond the ordinary: true love takes all of us beyond, and into something fantastic, don't you agree?

I have so many things I want to say, and I hope you don't mind me talking about them on here.

Today, I want to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the blanket that is being made for me. It's another gift. For me, this gift represents not only something beautiful and particular and special about the love that my husband and i share, but it also represents something about the absolute best in human nature: benevolence, kindness, love, connection, generosity, thoughtfulness, mindfulness, altruism. Everthing that is good within us seems to be being woven into an actual, real object; this is astonishing and very beautiful and life enhancing and uplifting. All these things are being woven into something real, and I'm completely blown away by it.

I have good days, and hard days. I have found, in my times of troubles, that I live in world of love: from my real life friends, and my family, the support has been astonishing and wonderful. And I have also found that strangers understand things about me, because, do you know, people have the capacity to deeply understand and love and be benevolent, and act on this understanding.

Our lives can be soooo hard. Yet, they can also be utterly amazing: this is what I've found these last 2 weeks.

Solo Mon 14-Jan-13 23:25:44

Big squeeeze lemon, I love reading your words, your life and your love.

BellaVita Tue 15-Jan-13 07:55:47

Like Solo, I too love reading your words, you write so beautifully. Of course we don't mind you talking on here.

I think about you a lot Lemon and wonder how you are. Maybe it is because my own DH was in hospital from the 16th Dec till the 5th Jan (he had a routine op on the 13th and on the weekend developed complications). Although I knew he wasn't going to die, he was very poorly, I felt so lost on my own during that time - we have been married 25 years and together 30. I was so thankful to get him home even though I feel like I am a constant nurse maid - he will be off work for some time recuperating.

Much love to you all x

MunchkinsMumof2 Tue 15-Jan-13 17:08:11

I think about you too lemontruffles and hope that your darling husband is sending you messages of love and support.

chimchar Fri 18-Jan-13 20:51:49


You sound like a wonderful, wonderful kind of spirit and beautiful within.

I'm glad that you are finding some comfort in the dark days from your lovely dh and his special gifts. X

honey86 Tue 29-Jan-13 00:27:58

omg�� im so sorry about your loss... it always breaks my heart to see others go through this... my partner and kids dad died suddenly 4 years ago, so i know just how heartbreaking it is. its indescribable. i wont lie, its the worst thing ive ever been through. no one can even fathom the pain and the grief until theyve been thru it. the next few months will be the hardest, with arrangements etc, then anniversaries, but gradually you will find ways of dealing with it... people say that over time youll get over it but u dont, but you learn to live with it, and adapt.....
i never imagined i could get thru the week after it happened let alone four years. but i did, and here i am.
i wont preach about what to do now as everyone grieves differently but my advice would be:
give yourself time and credit- this is one heck of a heartbreak, and theres no right or wrong way to grieve. you need time and whatever space to process all of it.

look after yourself- i found this tricky, as the last thing i gave a toss about at the time was food or hot baths. but to get through the unbearable times, body and mind needs replenishment.

take whatever help/support is available- this really got me through the worst bits, im sure i wouldve gone into meltdown had i not have accepted the chicken sandwich and cuddle from my friend. and when you feel ready, cruse bereavement support is good. it took until xmas just gone for me to finally have bereavement counselling but im glad i did.

the lady asked me if i had the choice to erase all memory of my partner to avoid the pain of the grief. i said no, simply because if i was to have taken that option, id never have the beautiful moments we experienced together, the good memories, funny times etc. id bear plenty more years of grief rather than lose that, the memories of the one person that blessed my life was worth the initial pain.

take special care, i wish you all the best xxx

PavlovtheCat Wed 06-Feb-13 18:59:59

I am late to this, but wanted to add my thoughts to you and hope you continue to have support around you x

coxspippin Wed 13-Feb-13 18:16:02

i am sorry for your loss and send you my love; take all the kindness and care from your dear friends and family- i'm sure you are doing.

dippymother Thu 14-Feb-13 18:03:32

I have been reading this post having been away from MN for a long time, and felt I had to say how sorry I am for your loss. Your DH sounds a wonderful man as you do too.

I lost my DH four years ago when I was in my 40s and my DCs were 16 and 18. It's been a difficult journey but with support from family, friends and a local bereavement group, we have come a long way from those early dark days. Accept as much support as you want, even trying counselling etc. I was cynical about counselling but it has helped tremendously, even if I didn't think so at the time.

On a practical note, I received Bereaved Parent's Allowance, as my DD was below 18, which I believe you should qualify for. Also there was a £2000 bereavement payment to help with funeral costs - presume that's still available.

Be kind to yourself, time is a great healer but no-one can tell you how much time you need - everyone is different. Feelings of guilt, shock, acceptance are all common and normal.

Thinking of you.

coocachoo Mon 05-Aug-13 11:01:29

i have been reading about your sad time i send you lots of love and prayers i lost both my parents at 11 my dear brother recently he dide in my arms your heartache will ease in time please be strong and live for your family and support eachother you are all hurting bless you. xx

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now