my brother has killed himself...

(67 Posts)
kneesofnorks Mon 10-Dec-12 20:03:33

I feel so guilty I wasnt there for him, he lived in canada, im in england and i had no idea he was in such a dark place.

Its been 24 hours since we had a call from his local police and every minute feels harder and harder...

I dont have a passport and dont have the money for a flight over, my aunt and uncle are having to deal with it all as my parents arent fit to fly over, I feel like im letting him down sad

BasicallySFB Mon 10-Dec-12 20:05:55

I have nothing to but that I'm so so so sorry. Big hugs to you all xxx

BasicallySFB Mon 10-Dec-12 20:06:37

Sorry - nothing to say bug big hugs to you all xxx what a dreadful shock xx

FloatyBeatie Mon 10-Dec-12 20:06:44

I'm really very sorry that you have had such terrible news. Your poor brother. Remember that a groundless feeling of guilt is always a massive part of friends/relatives reaction after a suicide. Be kind to yourself.

helpyourself Mon 10-Dec-12 20:06:50

I am sorry. Have you got anyone to talk to? There will be more helpful mnetters along soon.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Mon 10-Dec-12 20:07:34

I am so sorry to hear your news, you are not letting him down though.

whimsy Mon 10-Dec-12 20:07:49

I am so sorry for your loss sad

ohmeohmy Mon 10-Dec-12 20:08:03

What terrible news. Sorry you are having to experience this.

HumphreyCobbler Mon 10-Dec-12 20:10:00

I am so very sorry. How terrible.

mercibucket Mon 10-Dec-12 20:11:19

So very sorry for your loss

mercibucket Mon 10-Dec-12 20:11:20

So very sorry for your loss

HoHoHokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Mon 10-Dec-12 20:11:25

I am so sorry for your loss.

I hope you have some rl support.

My older brother also killed himself. I know it's very hard to imagine that someone you love could be in such a very dark place.

You're not letting him down, distance doesn't change your grief.

aftereight Mon 10-Dec-12 20:14:28

I am so sorry to hear this.
You're not letting him down by not flying to Canada. Can you be with your parents, and support each other, if they're in the same country as you?
My uncle killed himself overseas in his adopted country, and with hindsight, we (his family in the UK) could not have foreseen the tragedy, as we only knew what he chose to tell us of his life. Please don't blame yourself for not realising that your brother needed help.
Do you have anyone in RL you can talk to?

anonononon Mon 10-Dec-12 20:18:42

I'm so sorry to hear your news.

I also have a brother who killed himself. Have name changed to prevent outing me.
Please look after yourself. Its a horrible time, and I found lots of people just didn't understand how much it affected me.

Can you be with your parents? Or are they not local either? Loosing their Son, even after a long illness, has aged my parents beyond belief.

Also, thinking longer term, don't underestimate how long it may take to get over things. I'm very close to tears just writing this, and were nearly 7 years down the line.

There are (nearly) always people here if you want to offload.

I'm so sorry.

My best friend's brother killed himself. She saw him the day before and had no inkling that he felt so utterly desperate. It is such a hard thing to deal with however close physically you are. I think for someone to be so desperate there is an emotional distance they build up so have no chance of knowing.

Let me hold your hand

kneesofnorks Mon 10-Dec-12 20:30:03

my parents live 2 hours away, i went there last night, none of us slept. i had to come home to get the children from school (dp took them this morning, the youngest 2 dont know as im usually at work for 7am so nothing was unusual for them) my oldest DS knows, he seems ok just more shocked than upset i think.

he was found under a railway bridge on a path, it was hypothermia that killed him but he had drugs in his system so the coroner who did the post mortem believes it was suicide, he had a history of mental health issues since his teens, and a few days prior he had been arrested for an offence he had carried out. the police think he had been staying outdoors for a few days, despite just having paid his months rent on his room? I think he must have had some sort of breakdown but i suppose we'll never know.

mum and dad dont want people to know he wanted to die, theyre telling people about the hypothermia, i think they feel that people will judge them for not knowing how bad he was, but he was 43, we only knew what he told us.

i just cant beleive im an only child now....

angelinterceptor Mon 10-Dec-12 20:35:13

so sorry to hear about your brother

Hassled Mon 10-Dec-12 20:36:05

I'm so sorry - being so far away must be making this even harder.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen Mon 10-Dec-12 20:36:08

Oh how hard. It does sound like some element of accidental though from your latest post ?

Suicide is terrible, for those left behind and for those who see no other way.

Sorry for your loss x

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Mon 10-Dec-12 20:36:39

I'm so very sorry

What a terrible shock for you all. I know it's hard but please don't feel guilty, I'm sure your brother knew you were there if he wanted to reach out, if he was in a very dark place then there is nothing anyone could have done

Be very kind to yourself xxx

MarshaBrady Mon 10-Dec-12 20:37:36

I'm so sorry.

kasbah72 Mon 10-Dec-12 20:40:23

I am so so sorry. I dread receiving the same call. I doubt there was any single thing you could have done to stop him from doing this if he really wanted to. I can't bear the thought of anyone being in such a dark dark place but I have seen glimpses of it and it is all-consuming.
Be kind to yourself. x

kneesofnorks Mon 10-Dec-12 20:46:13

im going to have to go back to work tomorrow i think, I took today off but the company bereavement policy is 3 days leave for a immediate family member to attend or arrange a funeral, and as i cant do either ill need to go back... not sure i can face it sad

I am so sorry for your loss sad

You will never be an only will always have a brother.

Please be gentle on yourself xx

MsElleTow Mon 10-Dec-12 21:10:31

I'm so very sorry for your loss.sad

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Mon 10-Dec-12 21:16:06

I am so sorry for your loss knees. Could your GP sign you off work for a couple of weeks?

I lost a dear friend to suicide and it took me a while to stop feeling guilty. Be gentle on yourself lovely. xxx

NulliusInBlurba Mon 10-Dec-12 21:25:34

So sorry to hear that, knees. It happened to us last year, and it was ten kinds of shite.

DH got his dr to sign him off work for a few weeks because of the stress - his doctor was only too happy to oblige, because otherwise he'd have broken down altogether and it would have just compounded the mess (so it would have been pretty counterproductive for his company to insist on him working).

I can really recommend a book on the subject:
An Empty Chair: Living in the Wake of a Sibling's Suicide

It explores what is so unfortunately unique about sibling suicide, and how it differs from the death of a partner or child.

DH also went to a suicide family support group for six months or so - they only met once a month but helped him enormously.

So very sorry knees.

kneesofnorks Mon 10-Dec-12 21:51:57

I just dont feel like ill ever sleep again at the moment, I didnt sleep at all last night, am in my bed now but have a raging headache and my mind wont stop to let me sleep...

GRW Mon 10-Dec-12 22:06:51

I am so sorry. You must be exhausted and in a state of shock still, with so much going through your mind. I hope you have someone with you to be alongside you through the first difficult days.
My sister killed herself 14 years ago, and i remember the anguish of the first days afterwards. Thinking of you x

seventheaven Mon 10-Dec-12 22:10:55

(((((Hugs))))) I am so sorry for your loss, my condolences to you and your family. Please do not feel guilty this is no ones fault, be gentle on yourself.

ViperInTheManger Mon 10-Dec-12 22:19:43

I'm so sorry for your loss. My family narrowly escaped a situation like this so I have an inkling of how awful it can be.

Please do not blame yourself in any way, you know logically that you would have done anything in your power to help him.

PieEyedAndLairySanta Mon 10-Dec-12 23:36:50

So sorry for your loss knees sad

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Mon 10-Dec-12 23:46:47

Oh I am so very sorry. What a horrible horrible shock for you sad

It does sound like it could have been accidental though. Either way, I'd support your parents saying it was - if it makes it easier for them, it really doesn't make any difference to anyone else. You can still talk to your friends about it in whatever way you feel is right.

The book & support group sound helpful.

Your work policy is disgraceful. Clearly no-one making that policy has had a child/parent/sibling/partner etc die - lucky them. 3 days to arrange a funeral. The very minimum should be until the funeral - for all close family (and close friends at their discretion). I woudn't hesitate to go to the Drs to get signed off sick/stress - you can't go back to work yet - the lack of sleep alone is reason enough - let alone the grief.

Big hugs - lots of love & strength

QueenOfCats Tue 11-Dec-12 00:15:41

What an awful thing to happen. I really am very sorry that you've lost your Brother sad

I only have 1 brother and can't imagine him not being around - my heart goes out to you x

I'm so so sorry for your loss. Please be gentle with yourself, try and sleep where and when you can. Make sure you drink plenty of fluids and try to eat, even if its just flapjacks and cereal bars.

My son killed himself in July and the first few weeks are so difficult and it must be so much harder with him being so far away from you and your parents.

I agree with everyone about work, phone them, explain the situation (in as much detail as you feel comfortable with) then go to your doctors and get signed off for a couple of weeks.

Once again, my thoughts are with you and your family, I know how hard this is.

Isabeller Tue 11-Dec-12 08:45:42

In these circumstances I think you can get a passport issued very very fast Would your parents be able to or want to pay for the travel?

If you feel you really want to be there I imagine a lot of people would rally round to support the practicalities of it.

brandysoakedbitch Tue 11-Dec-12 08:48:40

Oh Knees I am so sorry for you all xxxxxxxxxxxx

rednosedreindeerinthegarden Tue 11-Dec-12 08:55:48

am so so sorry for you and your family.

spiderlight Tue 11-Dec-12 09:00:48

So, so sorry sad

JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast Tue 11-Dec-12 09:07:55

I'm so sorry sad

earthpixie Tue 11-Dec-12 09:12:26

I'm very sorry for your sad loss, and for the other losses mentioned on the thread.

If your mum and dad need to believe it was accidental I think you should go along with it, even just temporarily, until you are all feeling a bit stronger.


zeno Tue 11-Dec-12 10:03:25

Oh you poor dear, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. My sister killed herself and I remember little now of the early days but know how utterly and unremittingly ghastly it was.

Your gp should be able to sign you off as unfit to work. The physical effects of grief can be astonishingly severe.

Try to be kind to yourself. Survivor guilt is a huge part of a loss to suicide, no matter what the circumstances. One always feels that one ought to have been able to prevent it from happening, and there are an awful lot of "if only" thoughts to contend with.

Counselling can be very helpful, and there's an organisation called SOBs which is for survivors of bereavement by suicide. They have a terrific helpline, whose people helped me through some very dark hours of the night.

HoHoHokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Tue 11-Dec-12 10:05:54

Thinking of you this morning knees x

You need to get signed off sick. I had 3 days off for my bil - and that was an expected death. The stress is terrible. It sounds weird but my eye twitched afor weeks afterwards. There are all sorts of physical effects. My dad's colleagues called an ambulance to his work a few days afterwards. Dad sat down at his desk and basically fell very deeply asleep, seemed a bit out of it and so an ambulance arrived! He was very embarassed afterwards but I think his body just couldn't do anymore so stopped.

Get signed off, take some painkillers for your head and drink plenty of fluids even if you can't eat. If you can't sleep spend the days doing something physical - run, swim, bike or garden and see if that helps.

I'm so sorry about your brother. We can't ever know the depths of a person's soul and it isn't letting people down to accept that.

SaintVera Tue 11-Dec-12 15:09:06

I am so dreadfully sorry. There are wise people on here who have been through the same and survived - I hope you can get comfort from their wise words.

My son died in July and I never knew the meaning of the word grief until now. It is so physical as well as mental. I would consider visiting your GP and asking for something to help you sleep too. Agree totally about time off work. Be as kind to yourself as humanly possible xx

kneesofnorks Tue 11-Dec-12 16:48:58

Ive been to work, i think i just went there on autopilot.. i dont think i actually did anything though to be honest. I have an appointment on monday at liverpool to get a passport, so much to organise as my expired pp was in my married name, ive reverted to my maiden name so have to produce birth cert, decree absolute, deed poll and marriage cert - i dont have the marriage cert as that went to the court when i applied for the divorce - so i need to get a copy asap. Issue is i married in scotland and live in leeds now so i think i need to find someone in edinburgh to get that...

Then the issue is finding reasonably priced flights.... ill literally go for as little time as humanly possible. Well find the money sonewhere....

I have found out more about thr circs and really there is no doubt he was in a very dark place, i just hope hes in a happy place now

kneesofnorks Tue 11-Dec-12 16:50:25

I cant get signed off sick, theyll discipline me i think as i was off for 6 weeks aug-oct due to illness....

GRW Tue 11-Dec-12 18:41:32

You have done really well to get through the day at work, but if you feel you can't do it tomorrow in the circumstances I am sure your colleagues would understand.
i hope you can get things sorted so that you can be with your family soon x

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Tue 11-Dec-12 19:10:39

They'll discipline you, for being signed off sick? It's against the law isn't it?

I don't suppose you can afford to tell them where to shove their bloody job?? sad

I'm sorry to hear you have found out more about your brothers circumstances and that he was in a dark place. Please don't feel bad for not knowing though, he's an adult, he showed you what he wanted you to see - you couldn't have known if he didn't want you to x

kneesofnorks Wed 12-Dec-12 16:07:31

Couldn't face work today, I didn't sleep last night again. We're getting more information each day and I'm not sure if it. Makes it easier or harder? He'd taken paracetamol so part of me is glad the hypothermia got him as that's more peaceful than a painful organ failure... part of it makes it worse that its confirmation it was deliberate

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Wed 12-Dec-12 17:07:29

Knees - I'm not surprised you couldn't face work today my love. No one with half a brain or half a heart would expect you to be there sad

I think having all of the truth is a good thing, otherwise you would be left with more questions than answers and that's really hard.

I am very sad that he thought this was the best (only?) option, but I hope he died painlessly.

Do you know what he was arrested for? Maybe the guilt or embarrassment of that was just the final straw for him? He seems to have been OK for money (as he's paid his rent in advance), so at least he wasn't forced into 'living rough' and 'commiting crimes' to exist.

Did your Aunt and Uncle see him very often?

It's so very sad, I wish I could give you a hug now and I wish he hadn't felt this was his best/only choice.

HolofernesesHead Wed 12-Dec-12 17:15:35

Really sorry to hear this, Knees.

anonononon Wed 12-Dec-12 17:17:25

Please get yourself signed off - a Drs note stating unfit to work is a much stronger position to be in if you face a disciplinary for your sickness record rather than making it in some days and not others because you can't sleep or think straight.

I have never got to the bottom of why my DB did what he did, and can't understand it, even now. The best way I've found to deal with it is he made what he thought to be the best decision at the time with the information he had, however devastating it is to those picking up the pieces.

Be kind to your self. Its a cliché, but it really will get easier in time. However if I'm anything to go by, it will take a while (weeks-months) for you to be able to put it aside for few hours, rather than it being the only thing going round your mind.

Mindingalongtime Wed 12-Dec-12 18:40:48

knees sorry for your loss. Canadian affair are good for flights as you can choose the cheapest out and back, they work on single flight dates. DS always books a single out and then decides when to come back dependent on price.

Take care.

kneesofnorks Wed 12-Dec-12 19:07:14

He's being cremated between 3 and 4 tomorrow afternoon UK time. Mum and dad are coming to mine so we can be together

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen Sat 15-Dec-12 09:09:11

How are you doing knees?

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 15-Dec-12 16:51:54

Knees - just wanted to pop by and say that I'm still thinking of you - and of course your parents x

kneesofnorks Sat 15-Dec-12 23:58:08

Im taking one day at a time, a cliche but what else can i do? I did a lot if crying and hugging with mum and dad on thurs, ive never seen them so upset.
Aunt and uncle sent pictures of his flowers and coffin, that was hard to look at, they said he looked peaceful and as if he was asleep, i feel a bit happier knowing he's at peace, after all if he had been in pain from cancer or something we'd have been glad he wasnt hurting any more, in a way its the same, just a different kind of pain?
I managed to talk about him without crying so i must be coping better, christmas will be hard but really new yr will be harder, he always called just after midnight and wont this year.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen Sun 16-Dec-12 01:10:27

I'm so sorry sad

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 16-Dec-12 01:32:59

Oh love - yes, it is all you can do, one day at a time. Sometimes it's one day, one hour, one minute - coping with 'right now'. You sound very strong though and are doing really, really well to be able to talk about him without crying. It is good that you can find a bit of peace knowing that he's not hurting anymore x

Greensleeves Sun 16-Dec-12 01:34:12

I'm so sorry. Take it one day at a time and be gentle with yourself sad

GRW Sun 16-Dec-12 08:29:20

I am so sorry, and will think of you over Christmas and New Year. You are doing so well, and hold onto to the thought that for your brother the suffering is over and everything is ok. I remember feeling that too when my sister died, and it did help x

kneesofnorks Wed 19-Dec-12 15:56:05

Ive been back at work since monday, still not really sleeping but mostly feeling a bit normal. His death cert arrived today so thats knocked me down a bit. Off for a christmas meal with friends tonight, so im hoping that will put me in a bit more of a seasonal mood.
Ive probably spoken to my mum and dad more in the last 10 days than in the last 6 months, i think we're all making more of an effort to reassure each other...

Sunnywithachanceofjinglebells Wed 19-Dec-12 23:38:34

Big hugs knees x

roughtyping Wed 19-Dec-12 23:41:00

knees, I'm so sorry for your loss. One of my friends committed suicide a few weeks ago and it's been horrendous, can't begin to imagine how you feel. Sending lots of hugs and positive thoughts to you all x

Mollydoggerson Wed 19-Dec-12 23:59:22

I'm so sorry for your loss and it's not your fault in any way, I hope you can all find peace with this terrible turn of events.

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