Support thread for anyone grieving for a parent

(980 Posts)
mummylin Sat 08-Dec-12 19:28:41

I have done as maybe has suggested and started a new thread.My comp dosent cope well with long threads.

mummylin Sat 08-Dec-12 20:16:07

To my Mum Mum i am now facing the second Xmas without you.You are constantly in my thoughts.Who knew that when i said to you " bye mum i will see you tomorrow" that tomorrow would never come for you.My life was shattered and i feel it will never be the same.You were such an important person to me and i miss our daily chat and cuppa so much.I miss your cakes you used to make us, and as yet i cannot find the recipe you used.But knowing how you kept everything ,i know it will be somewhere amongst your things { of which i have a lot of } Mum i hope you didnt suffer at all ,this is what haunts me, even now.I know it was quick and unexpected,but this made it worse for us all. I have tried to be strong and have failed miserably at times,even though you left us a letter which you hoped would comfort us all.Thankyou Mum for being so loving and for making me the person i am today.I will love and miss you always.We will meet again,from your loving daughter xxxxx R.I.P xx

t875 Sun 09-Dec-12 14:50:00

found you all. smile

ssd I do know what you mean and it is very unfair it is very hard to think like it and like you i tell myself off but you just cant help how you feel ssd, it makes us bitter and angry and these are all very normal feelings.
((big hugs))

Mummylin - what you wrote to your mum was lovely, im sure she saw it and thought the same. I will do the same.

I am very behind on this thread so i apologise if i havent been able to be here as much as i would like have been. Sending love and support to all those that are going through hard times, my thoughts are with you all.

It was hard here for me, we got the tree out and the decs, cried when i saw all the special bits that reminded me of her but got through it, couldnt put the christmas music on but the tree looks nice and the girls helped! We done special things in relation to the christmas tree and decorations. I want to get a special tree decoration for our tree and for my dads..yes he is putting up the tree we are helping him, it wont be easy but he wants to do it for her.
im sure she was around us watching and smiling. Gotta trudge on eh xx

t875 Sun 09-Dec-12 14:54:22

cruse mentioned to me to about doing a page of all my mums favorite things, so i went on google and i have done a page. I have cupcakes, cats, {she loved them} kleeneze believe of not, loved a bargain, hehe essentials and prima we loved our magazines, i used to pass them onto her and when i read it now I read off whats inside and say "what do you think of that mum" I have a robin on there as i have seen a robin a lot in the garden over the time of her passing and on and off through the summer. Roast dinner she loved it oh and fish and chips! Theres perfume as she always smelt lovely, and there is pictures of accessories as she loved bangles, necklaces etc. crafts, knitting, Its nice to see it all on a piece of paper, im going to laminate it and again im sure she loved me doing it. and i had written on it said Mum always and forever with me xxx

fantasticfanjo Sun 09-Dec-12 16:49:08

Mum.

As I attempt to create happy Christmas Memories for my own DC's the realisation that I'm nobody's child any more brings overwhelming feelings of grief.

This is our first Christmas with out you,and as I put my own tree up I remember your Mismatched tree adorned with decade old decorations that we'd made at Infant school,that you still insisted (despite protests) on keeping year after year. Oh how I'll miss the "recycled" wrapping paper that you used to insist on reusing,as children we were never allowed to rip open presents because the paper would be re used and as adults I'd laugh at the thought of how my lovely coordinated wrapping and posh bows would find there way back to me the next year.

You were a feisty,opinionated and determined woman,who despite recovering from bastard breast cancer still lived life to the full,even into your 70's you buggered off to Peru for 2 months , I "dined out" on your internet dating exploits and almost had to make an appointment to see you !!

Just before last Christmas we discovered that the bastard cancer had spread,but you still cooked well hell of a dinner and insisted that we all played silly games.

Right up until the end you made sure that life was worth living and still saw the positives,you even said that lying in your hospice bed ,looking out of the window made you realise how beautiful the clouds were.

Oh how I miss you.

Love you x

mummylin Mon 10-Dec-12 10:49:09

fantasticfanjo I easily understand your trepidation at having your first xmas without your dear Mum.That for me was last year and mum had been gone 7 weeks.I was terrified of how i would feel and react ,but in fact others made it possible to still have a cChristmas day without spending it in floods of tears.The worst time for me was new years eve when my normal practice was to phone my mum at midnight ,then she would go to bed.I could not face going out and spent the evening in tears.I wanted to be on my own and i was as dh went alone to a family party.I hope that you too will be able to have a least some semblence of a happy day,of course you will be thinking of your mum ,as will i and i expect everyone else from the first thread,but you will get the strength from somewhere to get through the day.
t785 Its strange that you mention the robins as on my mums headstone we had a little robin etched onto it.I have bought two little xmas tres to take to the cemetery for my mum and my sister ,but i have also bought some little robins to place there ! I have made a start at home and the tree etc is now up.This morning the sun is shining through my conservatory,into my lounge directly on to my mums photo and it looks beautiful.
ssd i hope you find your way to this thread. i do understand how sad you are now that your mum isnt here to buy you little treats ,my mum used to do the same.I have had some odd things from her in the past,but its things that mum thought would be useful to me.She once bought me a fly swat back from her holidays, and one of my brothers had one too.We laughed at the time ,but do you know what id give anything for her to be here to buy me another one ! Just take one day at a time ssd ,you and all of us will eventually be able to speak about our loved ones without feeling the terrible grief.Thinking of you all xx

Hi everyone, so sorry for all our losses!!

I am coming up to my third christmas without my mum. I remember last christmas for some reason was worse than the first one without her....I had to keep going off into the bathroom for a sob!

Thinking of you all xx

Beachcombergirl Mon 10-Dec-12 11:44:24

I am facing my first christmas without mum but also my first christmas as a mum. I lost mum about 8 weeks ago so suddenly. No warning, she just died in my car. Just me and dd were there. It was so frightening and I keep replaying it over and over again. I also lost dad 2 years ago. I am so sad. In tears as I write this. I miss them both so much it's a physical pain. I just want my mum and dad x

Beachcombergirl, how awful, I`m so sorry, much much love to you xxx One day at a time, it is a physical pain, I remember to well, it will get easier. This Christmas do as little as you like, cuddle that baby and let others take the flax, put yourself first, have you got support surrounding you?

crazykat Mon 10-Dec-12 13:42:10

beachcombergirl i'm so sorry for your loss, i know there are no words which will make you feel better but my thoughts are with you.

I cried my eyes out yesterday when mum gave us our christmas cards, it just suddenly hit me that this will be the last one I ever get from her. It seems like every day something happens that will be the last I experience with her.

Last christmas was the first without my nan who was more of a second mum to me. She died suddenly 8weeks before christmas and I kept wishing we'd had some warning as her doctor sent her to a&e to be checked out and she died later that night. But I can honestly say that this is much worse, I know I'll be able to say everything I want to say to my mum but it just feels like I'm in limbo waiting for her to die.

I'm hoping that our church will agree to baptise DS2 after christmas as they usually only baptise four children on the first sunday of each month. We were going to wait until it's a bit warmer and have a party after like we did for our other DCs but that doesn't matter now, I just want mum to see him baptised so I'm really hoping the vicar will be able to help.

Big hugs to all of you x

ssd Mon 10-Dec-12 16:39:01

mummylin, thanks for your kind messages to me, the support on this thread is totally life affirming,, thank you all xx

beachcombergirl, I'm just so very sorry, I really am.Hugs to you and your baby x

fantasticfanjo (thats some name grin), you saying "As I attempt to create happy Christmas Memories for my own DC's the realisation that I'm nobody's child any more brings overwhelming feelings of grief." completely sums it up for me

Betty, hi again, have pm'd you back x

I remember reading here someone, sorry but cant remember who, said they thought the Victorians had the right idea wearing all black during a period of mourning, I feel that's something that was a good idea, so many people who see you at work or out and about forget that inside you just feel like sobbing and they give you no consideration, as if you're all over things and back to normal, its cruel how the world works sometimes

hugs again to us all here xx

Ah here you all are,thought i had been deserted.

Today has gone quickly i have been making things for the dc and families stockings, ds came home from school then was promptly sick everywhere so i guess he will be home tomorrow. I have to go back to emergency dentist tomorrow as the swelling from my surgery hasnt gone down so need to see whats what. I am totally petrified of the dentist to the point of being sick and dizzy. would usually take my mum, its hitting me hard while im scared that shes no longer here to help me through.
I miss her so very much, more than i thought was possible. Im trying to see that she was in so much pain, and didnt like her life the way it was since the cancer. but she was 45. i should have had so many more years with her and ds should still have his wonderful nanna who doted on him.

I too am finding it so hard that everyone is going back to normal and i feel lost. i spent every day at mums whilst she was ill so now i feel as though every day is missing something. maybe when i have recovered from surgery and in the new year its time to find full time work and throw myself into doing something again.
I will make christmas special, for my wonderful ds and scs who dont deserve to miss out and who my mum adored and wouldnt want to be sad but i cant see ever feeling normal again happening

thinking of each of you for differing reasons and wishing you strength

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Tue 11-Dec-12 08:05:10

I keep dreaming of her. I spend the dream just looking at her, trying to remember every detail of her, and telling her that I love her and I don't want her to go. But everytime she leaves me and walks away. She ignores me telling her I love her as though she isn't interested and doesn't care that she is leaving me.

I know she has no more pain, no more illness, no more depression and no more worrying, but I miss her so much, that's selfish isn't it?

maybeyoushouldrivesantassleigh Tue 11-Dec-12 10:26:23

No not at all StickEm perfectly normal I think. (I certainly have very similar feelings but without the dreams) My poor mum was ill for years and years , lots of misdiagnoses etc and the cancer was the final straw. She missed out on so much through illness, days out, coming to stay with us but I'd still have her back in a heartbeat, so I guess I must be selfish too...

waiting trying to deal with illness at the same time as grief is absolutely overwhelming. i really hope the dentist can sort you out and make you feel better health wise. I share your terror of dentists - but if he can help you then it's worth the fear I think.

ssd I agree wearing black would be a symbol for all the world to see that we are grieving and maybe just maybe people might be a bit more considerate towards us as they would be visually reminded of what has happened. But then again, how long would we wear black for?? I am still hurting many months on and still want recognition and kindness.

crazycat I'm sure your Vicar will make an excxeption and baptise your lovely baby, it's a very special circumstance, I'm sure they will understand how important it is for you.

Must go - am due at school soon but wanted to check in! Hello everyone else - you're in my thoughts as always.

mummylin Tue 11-Dec-12 10:45:26

Hello everyone. It is a bitterly cold day here today and the ground is white with frost.I am going to go out shopping once again,but am finding it so upsetting to see things which my mum would of loved and which i would of bought for her for Xmas.
waiting I too feel like you and feel that my life wil never be normal again.I just cant see an end to this awful feeling of loss.
To All newly bereaved I am so sorry ,we all know the terrible grief you are feeling,but we [ all on this thread ] hope that in some way we can make you feel a bit better.We cannot take this grief away from you but we can be here to support you and tell you that what you are going through is normal.
ssd hope you will have a better day today.
I feel like i have been living in some sort of different life since mum has been gone,i cant believe that it is so long since i have seen her.I dont think i would like to wear black for long but maybe an arm band would suffice ,just to let people know that yes we are still grieving ,and no we are not ok.We are just learning to survive without our loved ones and although we may appear to be normal ,we certainly are a long way from that.Thinking of you all especially as Xmas gets nearer.xx

I am back, got some anti bs to try and encourage swelling to go down abit quicker. I have to start a process of having lots of work done as ive left it so long that needs must. I am petrified but also feel really stupid for letting it get this bad. I think my mum would be proud of me for finally admitting i need help and to do something about it though. I am still on the hunt for a christmas decoration have found a lovely personalised one for £7.99. its abit pricey but its beautiful so will wait till i can get that next monday as money is tight right now. I am finding christmas shopping hard but only have one left to buy now as have done most online. I also received my MN secret santa today and sobbed my heart out at the kindness of strangers. it felt good to cry for positive reasons instead. thinking of you all, how are we coping with the run up to christmas?

t875 Tue 11-Dec-12 21:29:51

mummylin - How special you saying about the robin! I feel a significant connection to my mum and seeing the robin, it was around today too and hasnt been for a few weeks. I love seeing him! smile I looked up robins and the significance of them and it means new beginnings.

beachcombgirl - Feel for you, what a time you are going through, sounds like last year was an awful one with the passing of your nan too. Bless you. Were right there with you through what you are going through. Here anytime x

Stickem - How hard you having them dreams, im sure its all thats going round in your head right now. I still get the days of guilt and 'what if's' and my god they have hammered me the last few days. I remember i had a dream about my mum but this one was very vague and she was at my dads house and when i saw her face she looked sad and it was horrible as i dont remember my mum hardly ever sad so i didnt like it and i shut it out, i had a lovely one where she spoke to me and we hugged, i soooo want to dream of her again! x

and to everyone else i am thinking of you all, i am sorry i have missed a fair bit of the thread as my eldest has the flu and is really rough, i have had no sleep hardly as she has had a high temperature and then in the day she has been off school.

Shes hopefully back tomorrow and i think i will enjoy the peace wink x

ssd Tue 11-Dec-12 22:41:54

I wrote a big piece last night then my laptop went weird and it wouldnt post

it was all about robins!!!!!!

I was putting up the xmas tree, and amongst a lot of decorations that were my mums is 4 wee robins, I pointed them out to dh and he said "they are from (place I was brought up), meaning from mum...which they were......he knew if it was a robin or a little bird it was from my mum. t875 thats interesting it meaning new beginnings, when I had a really spiritual feeling before about my mum I could hear a voice from her in my head saying "move on, move on".....felt like saying I'm trying mum but its not easy.....

am off to bed as tired out, will post some more soon, hugs to you all xx

mummylin Tue 11-Dec-12 23:01:35

How strange about all the robins !! i was trying today to get one of the laminated xmas cards especially for the cemetery.last year i got a lovely one in Clintons,but this year they havent got them.Was browsing around in G&T and i just spotted some.I bought two but couldnt get one with mum on it.Showed them to my dh tonight and he said there were some from an ebay shop.So he looked for me and Now i have a beautiful laminated card coming from [ i dont know where ] which says mum on it, So now i will have 3 !! I may see if my friend would like one ,the one who just lost her brother. Dont forget folk if you are have kept any old xmas cards from your mum ,put one up ,it will warm your heart a little.I did this last year and i will do it again this year,just so i have a card that says "daughter " on. take care all xx

t875 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:24:22

wow such a lot of talk about robins!!! I love the idea of a laminated card, seriously when i was sorting out my mums things my dad left me to sort last week there was cards, and as i was looking through i come across this one with a robin, i have it up now on the side, it reminds me of the scene from the john lewis advert (we should petition and get the robin back) grrr! Im so glad i can share this about the robin, i swear my friends think ive lost the plot! smile

I really feel it is a message from her! I wonder if she loved robins!?!

i had a moment tonight when i wasnt being a walk over with my brother and i could hear her saying to me in my head "well done, you do what you want" Ive always been unselfish always putting everyone first especially my brother well not anymore! I put the children, hubby and my dad first now and thats it. My friends who bother with me i bother with them but the ones where i make the effort, it will be C ya.

Spooky all this robin talk, my tree decoration from when I was v young is a crafted robin with spindly legs that perches on the tree, I've felt calmer ever since I put it up knowing its there watching

gymboywalton Wed 12-Dec-12 08:09:59

it's the first anniversary of my dad's death today

i thought i would be ok but actually i feel like taking to my bed, sleeping and howling.

i keep thinking 'this time last year he was alive'

i miss him SO much-i'd give anything to see him again.

gymboywalton Wed 12-Dec-12 08:11:36

my dad DID loved robins! he was always watching the birds in the garden. The day after his funeral we took some flowers to the graveyard to lay on my nan's grave and there was a little robin singing his heart out to us-he stayed there on the branch of a tree and sang and sang.....

maybeyoushouldrivesantassleigh Wed 12-Dec-12 09:26:30

I have a robin decoration up too which Mum gave to dd a few Christmases ago smile

I'm having a tough time this week. Arguing with my dh, we just seem to be poles apart just nowsad He came in from work last night, barely spoke, just stood reading the paper and looking at texts while I sorted out the tea. He sat down at the table with dd, letting me 'serve' them bring drinks through etc, all without asking how we were/what kind of day we'd had. I felt like I was a servant or invisible or something. Then he leapt up from the table saying he'd lost his watch and started frantically searching. He retraced his bike route etc and didn't find it. Tbh I couldn't have cared less, did a desultory search of the house. He is sooo cross, I'm in tears beacause it's just all too much, he's gone to work without hardly a word. He just doesn't understand I need communication/hugs etc. I'm sat here in tears... Sorry...didn't mean to blurt that out.

I miss my mum so much and his bloody mother is arriving tomorrow (only found out it's tomorrow and not Frdiay this morning) the house is a tip, no beds made and he'll be out Thursday and Friday night leaving me alone with her! Grrrr.

Sorry will come back later and talk properly guess I just needed to get that out!

ssd Wed 12-Dec-12 09:27:16

my mum loved robins too, she was a great bird watcher and a member of the RSPB for years, she got the kids memberships when they were young but sadly they are just into football!!

I don't think all this robin talk is just a coincidence, I think there a them going here.....I think our loved ones are gently telling us to move on with our lives....I must admit, I would hate to think my kids were grieving for me really badly, I'm not afraid of dying, I think its the natural order of things and I now believe we go to somewhere beautiful (I had no belief before mum died but have a really strong feeling now)...anyway I know I wouldn't want my kids to grieve too much but I also know there's nothing I can do about the way I feel, I've felt mums death way deep to my core, its like a part of the universe has gone out and will never be the same again

I don't know what I'm trying to say, just that I think all the robins mentioned are there for a reason and we each have a different reason for them

I'm looking at the ones on my tree too, I've just emptied out my bag from the loft with the cards and wrapping paper in it, I felt something small at the bottom of it, just as I was putting the empty bag into the bin, it was a lovely bird decoration that was my mums, everything I've felt coming from mum since he died has been to do with birds, every last thing, and I feel this is another small sign..............maybe I'm being daft, but I think if you feel something that feels right to you then that's enough

I think we'll all be looking out for those wee robins now !! xx

ssd Wed 12-Dec-12 09:28:32

sorry I'm not addresing posters individually am just off to work will come back later xx

am hearing you all thoughx

Blardy robin keeps falling off the tree i think because its an actual figure that has wire that wraps round the branch it keeps toppling. I need super ideas to keep it stuck where its supposed to be and upright rather than looking bedraggled.

Its nice to think we still have a connection, i dont have any videos, wish i did id give anything to hear her voice again.

t875 Wed 12-Dec-12 12:19:30

Maybe - You poor thing, i know how hard this is, me and my hubby have had times like this. Have you got friends you can see just to give you a break? We need to also look out for ourself too. Hope you guys smooth over, we have them times they are back and forth for us, my husband has some serious selfish elements. Were actually talking more about stuff more than ever. We have a catch up once a week, things have got better for us since we have done this, And i would make sure i got a night out even if i went to a friends for a coffee or a vino and a bite to eat.

Have a chat with him and put across how you feel. Hope gets better, {{hug}}

Wow im loving reading the stories of the robins, it must be some sort of connection for definate. Ive also got the robin on the christmas tree, it has wire on the feet so it can stay on the tree. Could you do the same waiting put some sort of wire on it or what about blue tack??

ssd - ill PM you back smile Thanks for the story of the robin, i also think this is the case, as the significance of the robin.
I saw him again this morning! woohoo!

Me and my mum done a lot of crafts together, craft making, sequins, beads..well i have drawn a christmas tree for her on a small piece of paper and decorated it with stars, sequins, and drew lights on it, its on her shelf.
sparkling when the sun hits it. Im sure she loves it, well i saw the robin after smile

Thinking of you all, hoping your day isnt too bad xx

Will give it a try! It's sort of hanging sideways at the minute doesnt look very festive!

Such a dreadful urge to call her and hear her voice.....sometimes just for a second I think I will give her a call.......and then I remember I can't. This is after 2 years 3 months and a bit!!

t875 Wed 12-Dec-12 13:22:44

ah betty {{{{hugs}}}} that has got to be the hardest thing for me having her not around to talk to and to hear her voice and a hug. So very hard. I do have the belief that she is hugging me loads but it kills some days to think i want to feel it! xx

waiting as your mum for a helping hand with your robin xx

t875 Wed 12-Dec-12 13:23:26

*ask x

mummylin Wed 12-Dec-12 13:33:24

maybe i hope things soon improve,i have not found my dh to be as supportive as i would of liked either.If i am very quiet or feeling down in the dumps he will ask me what is wrong,I then will snap back because I think he should know !!Maybe its because its not his mum.His mum died years ago now and he didnt seem to dwell on it like i am with my mum.is it a female thing ?I am happy to read all the little tales about the robin.
betty its just over a year for me ,but like you would love to be able to give my mum a call or have her pop in for a cup of tea.
gymboy i hope you will manage to cope with today.Its a horrible feling isnt it and if you are like me ,i found myself going over and over that awful day.Its just horrible.
everyone Are we all dreading getting to xmas and fearful of how we will feel on that day ? I am trying to do things as we used to do before mum died but its so hard.I have put the tree up as i have family coming for xmas day,maybe thats the best thing ,it has made me do things,and it means i will be busy that day so that may help a bit.Still not making much progress with my shopping though.I seem to of gone brain dead and cannot think of anything except my mum.I really must pull myself up together and get serious shopping.With you all in spirit xx

mummylin Wed 12-Dec-12 13:34:57

Ps can you attach the robin on to the tree with a green clothes peg ??

ooh good idea, blue tack effort didnt work just caused tinsel and sparkly strand mayhem.

I am trying to keep christmas going for the kids, have made all sorts of homey crafys and started a christmas eve hamper to get some of our own traditions but my hearts not really in it. She was christmas to me, i would spend some of the day with her at least and mostly had dinner with her too. its hard for me to imagine wanting to haul my ass out of bed on christmas day but i will for the dcs who so deserve this christmas to be amazing after the shitty year they have had.

On my last shopping trip with mum she bought her dg sons a bauble with top grandson on, My ds put his onto his bedroom tree last night so she could be close to him, sobbed my heart out he is only 5 and shouldnt have to go through this its hard enough. I am grateful, eternally for who and what she was. I would never change her, not even if i could have a mum who lived to a hundred and thirty she was everything.

mummylin Wed 12-Dec-12 14:35:31

Its a good and a bad day here today,good because my eldest grandaughter is 18 and bad because my mum would of loved coming out with us tonight. Not a bad day to be 18 is it 12/12/12 but she wasnt born at twelve ,she came at 4 mins past 11pm and was the first baby i had seen born.I just remember seeing her head [ without her body being born yet ] and her little face looked so angry !! that is a nice memory.I will have to go and sort out something to wear soon.Just got to pop to shops to get her a balloon,when dh gets home.I have bought her an 18th necklace and believe it or not i went to the make a bear shop and got her a bear which sings happy birthday and a little t-shirt for it which says happy birthday and a pair of shoes grin So for a change today there is something nice going on.

t875 Wed 12-Dec-12 15:49:33

mummylin - Hope the 18th party goes ok, i can imagine a mixture of emotions there, sounds lovely all what you have done for her. For my daughters birthdays i got a glittery clip on butterfly and i clipped it on their card and said a little birthday touch from nanny, and my eldest has the butterfly on her book shelf.

waiting I know what you mean about christmas my mum was christmas, i absolutely hate we arent chatting about our plans, what bargains we have got from where, what were going to wear..i miss her incredibly sad
im carrying on the same as you for the dc as my mum would hate for us to be sad and also the children love christmas so we gotta keep it going. Thinking of you, get some little bits still that she would have got, im going to get a lovely table ornament for the table, we used to have a cinzano so im going to have a glass of cinzano for her. We havent got them here, but we can still bring them in is my feeling. I get a good feeling by what she likes too when im up the shops, i have to be careful people cant hear me talk to her though. smile

I have to do the majority of my shopping yet! Thank heavens for online shopping!! I must carry on though, but its definately a drag!!

gymboywalton Wed 12-Dec-12 17:05:07

thanks mummylin

i didn't go to work today and have spent entire day in bed asleep practically
phoned my mum for a chat at lunchtime and then went back to bed

so proud of my mum-she is going out with her friends today as she said she didn't want to sit at home thinking of it-this is a HUGE step for her.

my dad's passing was quite traumatic and my poor witnessed the whole thing so lots to go over and over...so glad she's not.

you must all keep going and try and make christmas fun because you know what your mum's would have wanted don't you? my dad LOVED christmas and the last activity i did with him, the day before he died was decorate his christmas tree! he would be furious if he thought we were not celebrating!

gymboywalton Wed 12-Dec-12 17:05:37

poor MUm that should say

I agree gym can picture mum giving me a rollicking for my lack of Christmas spirit but I'm doing better have been keeping busy with craft. Hope tonight is kind to you. Have a nice tea and relax

t875 Wed 12-Dec-12 17:22:48

yeah my mum would seriously kick me up the backside if we didnt celebrate christmas or have a good one!!

Gymboy - Thinking of you today, must be such a hard day. Glad your mum is going out, do something today that was special to you guys, light a candle he will be with you all im sure.

waiting - what craft do you do?? I make cards, and cross stitch, sew, make jewelry..nothing elabrorate but i make bracelets.

we watched mr poppers penguins, such a great film, very funny!! I know my mum loved penguins so i said quietly "come on mum, come and see us and watch it" smile

Nothin fancy am an amateur have made all the dc and nieces nephews stockings , and some tree decorations out of felt like robins , star's, trees. Have also put together some candy cane sleighs for gifts. I am awful at jewelry making so am in awe of anyone who.can do it

t875 Wed 12-Dec-12 19:50:58

i literally raid my eldests massive box of beads and use elastic, tie a knot at the end and then add the beads, i have all different colours and different types of beads very easy, im no pro either smile

Thinking of everyone. x

t875 Wed 12-Dec-12 19:55:14

I like the sound of the tree decs and the stockings, weve done the tree decs a few years back. Bet yours looked well cool. x

cappucinogirl4 Wed 12-Dec-12 19:59:26

My mum died 29 years ago.I was 12 and she was only 37.Bastard cervical cancer.
I wish I had her here.She would have loved my 2 dc's and would have been so helpful with parenting advice as she had 4 dc's.
Sometimes I feel it has ruined my life but other times I feel it has made me a stronger person.
Sometimes I feel a fraud because it happened so many years ago and I should be over it by now but although I've accepted it I have days of utter despair and grief.
RIP mum,I love you so much.

i dont think you ever truly get over it and its ok to feel sad for the things you missed out on with her. It will definatly have made you who you are today, but you shouldnt feel bad for still having moments of sadness.

The tree decs were good all on the kids trees in their rooms the robin is pretty cool ( in keeping with the theme of the thread i made that a few days ago)

ssd Wed 12-Dec-12 21:10:57

hi cappucinogirl, welcome to the thread xx

hi to everyone else too xx

well this morning after my post about the robins, I looked out the back window at the frost and thought where is the robin mum, I'd love to see one land on my fence...I stared and stared but none came...I was feeling really close to mum and dad, but no robin came, I didn't mind I just went to work. As I walked into the doorway at work a wee bird flew out the doorway, I watched it, it landed opposite the door on a ledge and turned to face me...it was a robin...I smiled and watched it then walked into work...it made my day

BUT, and here's the rub, 2 things happened at work...one of my colleagues was saying how her daughter was unwell and only wanted her, her mum...an older guy at work said "oh nothing makes up for your mum, when you are unwell that's all you want, nothing replaces your mum", well I managed to keep it together, no one else blinked an eye...........then just before leaving work the same colleague was telling me how she is going to the ballet with her mum and her daughter, now this had me in pieces, going to the ballet was something me and mum did until she became too frail for the steps, I have lots of memories of us going, I said to my colleague "oh I always did that with my mum", its something I missed when she became too old, and instead of my colleague shutting up she went on and on about going with her mum and her daughter, seeing the nutcracker, me and mums favourite, honestly my heart just fell onto the carpet..........I've not got a daughter to go with and no mum now, I felt my colleague was rubbing it in she's got both...so I just went home and wept, I had to take ds2 out somewhere and drop him off, then I drove to my mums village and just drove around, I needed to go there just to try to feel a closeness to her and my dad, I drove to her old house where I grew up and went up to the door to see it, and also to her flat she was in for the last 18 months, I went round a neighbours garden to see her windows, someone else has moved in, its in sheltered accommodation, she was happy there or at least as happy as she could be, all I could think was mum died in that room.......I just had to go out there, the village was where I grew up and visited every week for the last nearly 30 years, its as familiar as my right hand, I know it better than dh and the kids, but I cant go now, thers no one there now, but I know every bump in the road, every tree

am home now, dh shouting at the football on the tv, tutting at me if I speak and he cant hear it, moaning at everything, he can piss off too

ssd Wed 12-Dec-12 21:14:36

t875, my robins on the tree have wire on the feet too, maybe they are the same ones x

mine has wire feet to thats why it keeps dangling, oh ssd sounds like you needed to do it but what a draining night, have a hot bath , ignore dp and spend some you time. i know what you mean our childhood house is on the same street as my nan and grandads and the hearse went round the square on mums last journey it was so weird seeing someone else in our home even when mum or us hadnt lived there for 3 years. its nice to walk round there though, if difficult

knitknack Wed 12-Dec-12 21:43:54

Hey folks I hope you don't mind me joining you. I'm so sorry for your pain, I'm so sorry for you loss, I'm so sorry we're all in this together sad

Dad died suddenly 3 weeks ago and is now in the ground with mum who died in exactly the same way (suddenly, in bed, no warning) 15 years ago this Christmas. I too want my ma and pa, it seems ridiculous that they're not here!

I'm so tired at the moment! I'm a teacher and I know my lessons are rubbish at the moment. It was parents' eve tonight and I was so tired by 8pm I could have cried! Why am I so tired? Is anyone else tired?

I hope you're all OK, keep going, I know that it does get easier with time, but even though I know that it's hard to remember!

X

Sorry you are having to join knitknack my mum passed away just over 3 weeks ago so i suppose we are the same point. I am completly shattered, have had surgery but not major enough to wipe me out this way so i can only assume it is from being so drained so i imagine working full time you must feel it ten times over! hope you can get some rest over the upcoming hols and spend some time looking after you

knitknack Wed 12-Dec-12 22:00:12

Oh waiting I'm so sorry - look after you too!

make sure to take some time over the hols and not burn yourself out you must be very busy with it being end of term. this thread is lovely and everyone really helps each other out, stick around its good to chat.

knitknack Wed 12-Dec-12 22:04:15

I will smile

we not that bad a bunch, we have our good and bad days. My sis has just text to arrange sorting out all of mums things at the weekend. not looking forward to that

t875 Thu 13-Dec-12 10:07:57

Hi Knitknack sorry to hear of your loss, its absolutely horrendous. I still have times on and off now after 8 months, but at the beginning i literally went minute by minute hour by hour. Cry, talk, and be around people that you feel comfortable with. Do what you want. It does get a little easier over time as it has for me. But i still get the days when i miss my mum like mad.

keep a few things close to you of your mums too this helped me but we are all different. Hugs to you x

mummylin Thu 13-Dec-12 11:08:06

knitknack Sorry to see someone else has had to join this thread. It is now 13 months since i lost my mum and it still feels like yesterday.What a sad thing for you to have to cope with so close to Xmastime.Somehow it always seems worse at this time of the year.I suppose because normally its a time for celebration,But a death now seems so much worse. I hope you have some support in RL but we are here if you want to chat.
ssd i am getting seriously concerned about you.You seem to be in a really bad place at the moment.You were very brave to go to the village and up to your mums house ,that is something i will never do,i am never going past mums house again,especially as there are new people in it.I still think it belongs to my mum ,but of course it dosent.I wonder if the new people ever give a thought to the person who lived there before them,when they see some of her plants flower will they think of her ?
waiting hope that robin is now firmly stuck to the tree somehow !
Last night went well and we all had a lovely meal,couldnt help wishing my mum was here cause she would of been with us. x

mummylin Thu 13-Dec-12 11:13:12

I think today i will attempt to make a start on wrapping some things up,i still have lots to buy but at least if i do this it will be something less to do,if you get what i mean.I also have to find the time to make all the mince pies for the rest of the family which somehow has become my job now mum isnt here.May do that at the weekend.My mums were the best ever,spoilt us all with her lovely pastry,mine are not so good as mums but are quite nice.I just hate shop bought ones ,i suppose because we have always had home -made.

t875 Thu 13-Dec-12 11:51:25

ssd - sorry to hear you had some inconsiderate people yesterday at work, what is it with people not thinking of others. God they know what you are going through. Some people. Here if you ever need a chat on PM.

Thinking of everyone today i now have my youngest off with the flu after the eldest just got over it! Hoping im ok now, seems to be going round.

maybeyoushouldrivesantassleigh Thu 13-Dec-12 14:13:29

Thank you for your lovely messages, I was in a bad way yesterday, but after shouting at dh on the phone and having a good cry, we've sorted things out a bit. Time will tell whether I get any more hugs and comfort though hmm

Sorry to hear your sad news KnitKnack but welcome to this thread. I've got so much comfort from all you lovely people here, I hope we can help you a little bit too.

ssd You're having such a tough time, some people are sooo inconsiderate, they genuinely don't think of anyone but themselves. I think having a good cry is good though, it's the pent up emotions which cause problems I believe.

I keep seeing Robins now and they give me a wee cheer up, I hope it is mum fluttering by just keeping an eye on us smile

Dd is being so sweet and keeps making things for Granny's Christmas. It makes me cry but in a good way, she's the only person who talks about Mum every day.

Wish me luck - my MIL is due to arrive any minutesad It's always difficult being around her anyway but now I resent her because she's not Mum. Must keep my lip firmly buttoned!

gymboywalton Thu 13-Dec-12 14:30:33

hope everyone is ok today

heard that a friend's father died last night which seemed really strange -i really feel for her

feel a bit better today anyway

mummylin Thu 13-Dec-12 15:10:40

I have just had a wonderful surprise. My mum was always stocked up with everything and last xmas i bought home a huge bag of wrapping paper,well i have just opened the bag and found all these lovely silver tree ornaments.I am so thrilled and they are all on my tree wether they match or not.They will always be very special to me now.Also found a little boy and girl cherub figure which is for putting little candles in ,but the wing has broken off of one of them ,but dh can stick it for me later.If i had opened the bag last xmas i could of used them then,but wasnt in the right frame of mind to do anything really.It does show that in some small way i have moved on a bit.xx

mummylin Thu 13-Dec-12 15:17:07

glad you are feeling a bit better today gymboy.someone said to me once that " the darkest day is only 24 hrs " At least the first one has now gone for you.
cappucinogirl4 Oh you were far too young to lose your mum and she was too young to die,What a horrible time that must of been for you all.I think we will always be sad,most of all because of what we will of missed.

t875 Thu 13-Dec-12 15:25:19

maybe good luck with the mil, i know the feeling i have that with my brother and my sil, she winds me up normaly its been bloody difficuly more since my mum passed. Glad things are better for you and dh.
mummylin How nice about the tree decorations and candle holders I bet they are very special and will have a very special meaning over chiristmas and beyond.
Had a bad afternoon today, really cried, silly think like she liked bread sauce at the table, oooh its soo bloody hard!! Some days i think i can go through christmas and be ok and days like today i wonder if i can but i have too for the kids. sad
hope everyone is going along best they can today x

mummylin Thu 13-Dec-12 16:31:36

t875 yes you can and will get through it, leading up to xmas lastyear i truly doubted that i would get through the day,but you know what i did, and you can too.i think just thinkin about it makes you fearful but when the day comes it is not as bad as you expect it to be.Of course we will all have our sad moments on that day,but having such a lot to do helps. We will all be ok. we can always poponhere take ourselves to another room to have a few moments to ourselves to remember happier times. xx

t875 Thu 13-Dec-12 16:51:15

Yeah your right Mummylin, i know i can on them strong days, today hasn't been a strong day for me. Feeling better now though, i think im exhausted with both kids ive been back and forth with antibiotics and nurofen/calpol! I think ill change my name to Florence nightingale. smile
Thanks for reminding me I forgot to stop looking forward, i do a lot better going day by day. Hope today is going ok for you!! xx

t875 Thu 13-Dec-12 16:57:43

Some days just hit me so hard, we gotta put the tree up at my dads on Saturday that isnt going to be easy. x

mummylin Thu 13-Dec-12 21:38:03

I am actually still wrapping presents.There are so many in my family !! not all my siblings buy for each other ,but they all buy for me ! My lounge loks like a disaster area at the moment,but dh gone out to the pub for his quiz so i am just going to wrap what i have already bought for him then put everything away.I still have some more to get yet but am going shopping with my dd on saturday and my friend on Monday so should finish it all then .That must be our mantra,"tomorrow is another day,and it might be better than today " x

Defiantly hoping tomorrow is a better day. I have just been doin wrapping I completely lost track so nephew has ended up with lots of presents but never mind he's ace and always makes me smile so its money well spent

ssd Thu 13-Dec-12 23:03:42

today would have been my dads birthday and it was also the day 2 years ago something serious happened with mum and I had to take her to hospital, she was 83 and without going into too much detail I think she'd had enough...that was a week I don't ever want to repeat

mummylin, don't worry about me, you have enough on your plate.......i know part of the reason I'm grieving so bad is that I was like mums main carer, or only, I should say, siblings useless, for 14 years since dad died and the hole she's left is too enormous. She did have care from home helps come in, but the only visitor she had apart from them was me and I sorted everything out for her. She almost became like a child and I was her mum. We have no other family here, so I've had no family around apart from dh and the kids, to fall back on...and the hole shes left I am trying to fill is enormous

anyway I don't want to go on, I know I'll need to find something for me to focus on, dh said it right after she died, he said "you felt like looking after your mum gave you a purpose and you feel you don't have one now"...he was right.

I have been really bad these last 2 days, my colleagues talk about the ballet did me in...I'll need to try to walk away when she starts again...she is ok but extremely self centered, her mum is youngish and fit and she has no idea how I feel, also if you met me you'd never know I was grieving, I smile and joke like everyone else because that expected of you, as if you'll get over your mum dying in a few weeks or something

have read all the messages and haven't replied individually, but am thinking of you all xx

t875 Thu 13-Dec-12 23:43:47

I too have had a bad day today ssd just wanted to let you know thinking of you, there is going to be days where you will have bad days and then not so bad. {{hugs}}

I will reply tomorrow i was still in a pretty sad place tonight. Thinking of everyone xx

mummylin Fri 14-Dec-12 10:52:52

I think thats what we all do ssd just try to cover up and pretend we are ok.Some people if we were to say "well actually,i am still grieving for my mum" etc ,they would not know what to say or would ignore that and change the subject. People can be very thoughtless and that word just about sums them up.If they have not experienced a death of a parent ,they have no idea how awful it is and what a huge hole it has left in our lives.Then and only then will they realise and probably be saying exactly what we all do.Hope you all have a reasonable day today xx

crazykat Fri 14-Dec-12 11:13:38

Thinking of you ssd.

maybe DH can be a bit like that, he doesn't know what it's like as he has his parents. Although I do too for now, mum doesn't have long left and it's heartbreaking. The best thing I've found when DH is being like that is to write down how I feel, it helps just to get it all out.

There must be something about robbins, one of my earliest memories is watching robbins through the window with my mum and nan. I haven't seen one in years but the other day there was one hopping along the path.

It's so hard right now, even though I know every extra day with mum is a blessing I can't help thinking that everything we do will be the last time we get to do it together. Yesterday was DD1s first christmas play and mum came to watch. It was lovely and another memory I'll have but at the same time it was aweful knowing that she'll not see another one.

We've told the two eldest DCs that mum will have to go to the angels to be with nan, I don't think DS1 understood fully but DD1 did. I felt horrible for telling them but the cancer nurse told me it's best to prepare them so it will hopefully be less of a shock when the time comes.

I feel a bit of a fraud posting on here as mum's still here. In some ways I feel like I've already lost her as I know that she doesn't have long left. I'd give anything to have her for longer, she's only 53, she should have years and years left, not just a couple of months.

Thinking of you all and hoping today is a good one xx

couldthisbeit Fri 14-Dec-12 11:25:11

Hi, I hope you don't mind me joining you all. Just need a place to see that I will get through this. My dear mum passed away last Friday, two weeks to the day after being diagnosed with lung and liver cancer. It all happened so fast and I feel like I am in a terrible bubble where nothing is the same, nothing is right. I can't imagine life without her. I have a gorgeous 17 month old son and am 20 weeks pregnant with number two. They and my dp are keeping me putting one foot in front of the other but all I want is my mum.
I am not a big poster but do get comfort from reading your posts. I am truly sorry that you are all going through this too.

gymboywalton Fri 14-Dec-12 13:19:13

couldthisbeit-i am really really sorry that you have had cause to join us on this thread. I know exactly how you feel-when my dad passed i felt almost like alien for weeks. it was like everything was strange and wrong and i wasn't part of the same world.

the only comfort i can offer is that it does get easier-you will never get over it but you will get to a point where you have bad days rather than having good days -does that make sense?

ssd Fri 14-Dec-12 14:28:28

hi couldthisbeit, of course we dont mind you joining, am just so sorry you have had to. Please feel very welcome and post here anytime you need to.

as mummylin says, no one knows how this feels or what to say to someone bereaved. I still have the alien feeling, the worlds completely different now mums and where I grew up arent here now

my poor friends mum died this morning, have been with her all day, I really feel for her, she and her kids are distraught

awful time of year for all this, shops full of mums and daughters out shopping or having coffee, telly full of family adverts...ugh....sad

crazycat, you too post here anytime you need to xx

ssd Fri 14-Dec-12 14:30:42

t875, hope today is a bit better for you too xx

t875 Fri 14-Dec-12 23:22:18

couldthisbeit - we are here for you, and so sorry for your loss. You are not on your own. Talk about your mum, surround yourself with people you feel comfortable in their company. Take it very slow, you will go through a roller coaster of emotions. Come back to us anytime.
This forum has been a massive support to me the last 8 months. Kills me still some days though. Hugs to you!

crazycat - Thinking of you, must be such a hard time for you right now, were here if you need us, sending you hugs too.

ssd - Thanks feeling better today, although im starting to feel it now so off to bed for me. Hope your not too bad today xx

mummylin - Hope your ok and everyone else i have missed xxx

mummylin Sat 15-Dec-12 09:57:43

hello everyone.Sorry to see we have yet another new poster.crazykat it is pefectly fine to post here,we will support you as much as we can,do make loads of memories and take lots of photos.
couldthisbeit deepest condolences to you.We can all empathise with how you are feeling and we know the despair you are now in.I have to be honest and say there is no short cut to get through the grieving process ,but it can be made a little easier by having like minded people to offload to. I think this is possibly made even upsetting because of the time of year.I hope you have good support in RL but please do post if you need to have a few shoulders.One thing i would say is ,do cry when you feel like it ,dont bottle it up inside.
875 yes i am ok thanks,just a bit of melancholy setting in i think,but i guess thats the same for all of us at this time.
everyone I hope you all have a good ish day .I am going shopping once again,i seem to have a mental block and cant think of anything for dh or my son,i have got some odds and sods but want to get them something nice.Why are men so difficult ? [ in all ways ] I have not even written any cards yet and if i dont get a move on i will miss the post.Everything does seem much more of an effort i have to say, but i will get there im sure and so will all of you xx

Hey all,

Yesterday wasnt a good day so avoided the boards, christmas shopping is now all done unless i decide to get a few more bits. as is the wrapping. In a way im wishing i had kept some to do because it was keeping me busy. We are going to sort mums stuff out on sunday, not looking forward to this at all. Was hoping to have mums husband come down to nans with us christmas day but hes decided to work both christmas day and boxing day 12 hrs as he would find it too difficult. I understand but i feel sad that i cant make it any easier for him. Its my sisters birthday on monday so am just wrapping her presents up, want to give her a lovely a day as possible.

mummylin Sat 15-Dec-12 20:43:04

I also have done some more shopping today ,but still have to get some more,i am now going to wrap what i have bought today so that i am sort of up to date.next week i have to make about 9 doz mince pies which my mum always did for all of us,but i think i will leave that till about thursday.Hope you have all had a goodish sort of day x

t875 Sat 15-Dec-12 23:25:52

I am so behind, Ive wrote no cards, wrapped nothing, but im getting myself in gear bit by bit, enthusiasm isn't there much but ive had both children ill with the flu, the youngest is still ill with a high temp and flu symptoms.

But thank heavens for NEXT, Mil sorted and my dad tonight! Nice necklace for her crystal and blue beads silver chain, and my dad a t shirt.

Haven't done too bad today, not a bad day. I helped my dad do his tree at the house today, very upsetting at the beginning and me and my dad hugged each other, cant believe she was with us last year.. but it was nice to do this for my mum, we decorated it but i was saying to my mum im sure you would do it better - and i think she was whispering in my ear as i was moving bauballs and decorations around a lot.

He got us a lovely dove decoration for our tree and me and the children and hubby will buy a decoration next week to put on their tree, i put a lovely red glittery shoe decoration on their tree today.
Tough going but not as bad as i thought it was going to be.

Hope everyone is not doing too bad, and thinking of you all with what you are all going through.

xx

MayaAngelCool Sat 15-Dec-12 23:45:27

Mum, I wish you'd had a chance to meet your gorgeous grandchildren.

I will always love you and miss you.

going to sort mums stuff out today, am dreading it. Have spent most of the morning in tears so dont hold out alot of hope for the rest of the day. My big sis birthday tomorrow and i shall make sure she at least enjoys some of it.

ds had me in floods on the way home last night pointing out stars in the sky and telling me which one nanna was. Dont even know where hes got that from because ive never said that. Im glad he can talk about her so matter of factly just wish i could. Not doing too bad with the stupid comment brigade i tend to just nod and carry on although ive had some realllllllly bizarre comments but actually sitting talking about her is so hard.
Those last few weeks were hell, and nobody aside from me,her husband and my siblings would know quite how bad and how hard it was to see her like that. She was barely awake and when she was she just screamed or begged.

I just hope that in time i dont remember that awful few weeks and focus on the happier memories i have. its hard at the minute though.

Hope you are all doing okay

MayaAngelCool Sun 16-Dec-12 10:32:31

<hugs> to waiting

ssd Sun 16-Dec-12 10:35:50

hugs from me too, hope you manage to get things done today wishing, I had to clear out mums flat without my siblings helping as they had gone home or went back to their holiday abroad straight after the funeral..it was very very hard, hope you find something to help you get through.xx

We have packed everything up and took to my sisters so we can sort it there when we want too. was very hard seeing all her clothes, notes and little trinkets just bagged up but im glad we can sort what goes where in our own time. just having a quiet afternoon now until dp comes back really drained. hope you are all doing okay. I have recommended mumsnet and this board to my big sister, keep an eye out for her.

t875 Sun 16-Dec-12 21:10:05

aww waiting what a tough day (((hugs))) to you all. It is very hard to do, i am still going through stuff now but ive got some special bits from her which i know she would love me to have. It is very hard but as time goes on the real hard moments do tend to fade a bit and you do remember happy memories, but its very hard. I still cant get over the shock of my mum being here one day and me talking to her about fish and chips then not there the next day. But i have to shut that thought out as it kills me.

Thinking of you, here if you need us xx

t875 Sun 16-Dec-12 21:11:47

Maya hugs to you {{hugs}} thinking of you and you are not alone with these thoughts. Here if you need us xx

So very tired tonight so dont think ill be around long, have been keeping busy putting together bits and pieces for the dcs christmas. I think thats the worst part t875 the fact that its just so sudden, even if you know its coming. I am remembering more of the better times but like you cant help but have the horrible thoughts. Went back to the grave today for the first time, was harder than i thought now that the stone is there its so real.

MayaAngelCool Sun 16-Dec-12 21:34:38

Thanks, t875, I'm mostly okay. It's actually been many years, but every now and then I suddenly start crying - like last week watching a grandmother playing with her grandchildren at the library.

I am glad and lucky to have had such a wonderful mother that all these years later it still hurts to miss her.

i can imagine maya that it still hurts in many years to come even if it isnt so raw. hope you find some friendly ears on here.

simpletwistoffate Sun 16-Dec-12 21:56:40

Sorry, for stepping into this post, but have been reading tonight. Today is my birthday, and my first one without my lovely Dad who died earlier this year after a short illness.

I've found today so hard, I just don't know how I'll face Christmas sad My dh and dc's have been trying to make it a nice day, but I don't think any of them have noticed why today may be hard (in fairness, the two dc are young!!) but either dh hasn't thought of it or is afraid to say it, and I haven't the heart to tell him.

thanks for reading.

sorry to hear that simple there are alot of firsts and i think some people even partners dont realise what you are thinking. I hope you find the strength to get through christmas for your dcs. It will be difficult and im sure there will be many times you get teary or overwhelmed but you will get through it.

t875 Sun 16-Dec-12 22:34:45

waiting i can imagine its still a shock for you, i know my next door neighbours dad they knew it was coming but she said she didnt expect when it happened. So i feel for you i really do, its so very hard isnt it. Were here anytime for you. xx

simple it is very hard to have the firsts especially your birthday, i remember mine. I think i literally went through the motions of the whole thing, i just took her with me all day, I went out in the garden and cried my eyes out but then felt her around me, my dad brought me a bracelet of lovely flowers which i know she would have chose for me. I had a glass of wine and passed her one and had a good chat with her and watched qvc.
but i know what you mean and feel it with you, its very hard. But you dad is around you and sending you love and guiding you along, but i also know this is very hard to believe and take in as it feels that way for me at times, just that feeling isnt enough i want her here. xxx
Happy Birthday!! Maybe buy yourself something you know your dad enjoyed xx

maya I can imagine its still going to be hard no matter how many years we are on.

{{hugs}} everyone tonight

MayaAngelCool Sun 16-Dec-12 22:46:52

You're still allowed to enjoy your birthday, simple, so I hope you've not felt any guilt where that's concerned. <hugs>

I'm so sorry for all of your recent losses. As t875 said, the rawness goes with time, leaving occasionally painful and occasionally happy memories. And occasionally they're both at the same time. My mother is very much a part of my children's lives even though they've never met her - they know her favourite songs, her lullabies, and we talk about her lots. Those create happy memories for me in which her life and theirs are joyfully entwined.

You'll get there, just be gentle on yourselves and take things one day at a time.

maybeyoushouldrivesantassleigh Mon 17-Dec-12 11:53:42

Hi everyone, sorry I haven't posted for a few days, have had MIL here and didn't get near the computer. Sorry there are new faces again - thinking of you, it's very hard losing a parent. Hope you find this thread a comfort - it's lovely to have somewhere to write down difficult feelings.

I've been writing Christmas cards and I feel completely wrung out. I've had to write over and over to old friends that we've lost Mum... Should be sending good news at this time of year, it's brought up lots of fresh memories and sadness.

Dd is so lovely and keeps talking about Granny. She has made her a card and wants to get her a present. I cry everytime she mentions Mum though and have to keep telling her how happy I am that she's talking about her. It's a strange new world, I hope Christmas is bearable for all of us.

crazyKat this Christmas will be so hard for you, but I hope you are able to store up lots of memories for the future. Get your Mum to talk as much as possible about your family, video her, record her voice, take photos - all the things I wish we'd done.

t875 Mon 17-Dec-12 14:17:04

I 2nd what maybe said crazy cat, write down as much conversations as you can too. I too wish i done this, in a way i wish i have videoed her but hubby stopped me from doing this.

I know some believe on the thread but i have to say if you do believe in spiritualism psychics etc check out Colin Fry I was blown away by what he was picking up.

But i also respect people may not go down this route, just thought id mention it.
certainly gave me that even more reassurance that she is around.

Hope every is ok today and getting through x

Afternoon all

My sisters birthday today, we had some cake and presents and hopefully i made her feel special and smile even if for a short time.

i have been keeping with the theme and making some robins, they are on my photos. smile

crazykat Mon 17-Dec-12 19:59:04

That's a good idea maybe, I've found a lifetime journal online with questions to answer and space to write down special memories, we're going to fill it in together when it gets here. She hates having her photo taken but I've talked her into letting me take some photos of us all.

Sorry you've had to join us simple, I think it's hard for others to know how it feels if they haven't lost a parent, DH is supportive but doesn't understand why I sometimes cry for no reason. You'll find a way to get through christmas even if only for your DCs, mine are the only reason I've got the decorations up this year.

sosadforhim Tue 18-Dec-12 13:33:54

Would you mind if I joined? I'm so sad for you all. It's not my parent who had died, but my father in law. He passed away this morning. He's been ill for 5 years, had 4 very good years and been up and down since March.

I just feel I need to talk about it a little. My dh has been working away from home since last week and has went straight to his mums this morning.

On Saturday my FIL phoned me bright a cheery. He's been well the past couple of weeks. His appetitie was good and he was feeling rejuvinated after a blood transfusion. Yesterday I ordered the rest of his christmas presents online. When I phoned the house he was in a lot of pain and was told he'd had a rough couple of days, but then last night my MIL emailed to say he was comfortable. He was the bouceback king...I'm just in shock tbh that's he's gone.

crazycat my FIL didn't realise he was going die so soon. He thought he'd still have years until MIL told him last week. However, when he was diagnosed 5 years ago, he started writing his life story. I'm so glad he did this as I think when my dh and his sister are ready, they might gain great comfort from this.

I will probably not see my dh tonight as he'll be helping his mum. I told him to take whatever time he needs as we will be fine here. Our ds just turned 4 last week. I hope I'm able to comfort my dh when he comes home. He's generally a 'closed book' and practical sort of person. I've seen him cry only once, a few weeks ago when he talks about his dad.

I just realised i posted his christmas cards on Saturday. THey'll arrive today sad

t875 Tue 18-Dec-12 23:50:48

Hi sosadforhim I am sorry to hear of your loss, what a fantastic support you sound to your husband and the the kindness and care you have said for your fil, i wish my brother had the same support for my dad.

Take care and know we are here to come on to and chat. Thinking of you all at this very hard time. xx

How is everyone doing? Im not doing great today, the realization of my mum not being at that table at my dads hit me bad tonight, so sad and cant believe it. sad But tomorrow is another day, so who knows how i will feel, certainly is harder at the moment though, and i know i said i will get through as my mum would want me too but my god it will be hard.

Were going to let off a balloon on Saturday and also go to the crematorium and light a candle.

Sending hugs our way. Thinking of you all xx

sosadforhim Wed 19-Dec-12 01:00:24

t875 - thanks. This is a hard time for you, this time of year especially. i have no words. Words can't fix things can they?At least you will be at the table with your dad. That will mean a lot for you both.

Ii think venting and time perhaps will heal a little, but what do I know? My dh coping well, too well I think. He said he feels his dad will still come home (he spent half of the last year in hospital). He can't belive how quickly things are happening. Funeral director today, death certificate tommorow etc.

the funeral is on christmas eve. They live 2.5 hours away and we have a little excited 4 year old for christmas. My next door neighbour said she'd watch him on the funeral day. her lo goes to nursery with mines. she has 20 guests for christmas day and she's the only person I can ask. She doesn't know that it's christmas eve yetsad

They sorted the funeral cars today. MIL, dh and sis in law in first car. 3 people. Me and sis in laws boyfriend in the other. 2 people. This seems weird given the cars are so big. I'll go with the flow though but seems a bit strange and extra expense. FIL also had 3 bro's and a sis. i assume thy'll make their own way.

I feel so sad for him missing christmas.

mummylin Wed 19-Dec-12 15:22:34

hello everyone,sorry i have been AWol but have been busy catching u with the shopping and wrapping etc.All done now.I did go to the cemetery on sunday to take fresh flowers for my mum,i also took her little xmas tree and the robins.Of course i have to do both graves so that they match ! I want people to know that they are the same family.I will go again on xmas morning but havent decided wether to get a wreath of holly or not.I may get something else instead.
I am sorry to see that yet again we have more posters but i am glad we have this thread not just for us but for everyone who is in our position.
For myself i will be kept busy on xmas day,which i think will help me a lot and not give me time to dwell too much on sadder things.But when i go to the cemetery on xmas morning ,i know i will think back to previous times when mum refused to open anything until me and dh arrived.I always took photos of her with all her gifts and i am so grateful that i now have all the photos of her when she was so happy.I will have a word with her and wish her a happy xmas wherever she may be,and no doubt there will be tears ,but i will then come home and face the day knowing that i kept up the tradition of visiting her that day.
For those of you experiencing your first xams without your loved ones,i really feel for you,i was in the same position last year and to be honest it dosent feel so much different this year, i still feel it was only last week and still am in total disbelief she isnt here anymore.
Mum ,wherever you are i miss you terribly and pray we will meet up again one day.I love you xxxx

mummylin Thu 20-Dec-12 12:28:53

Just a quick message as i am wading through making all the mince pies! going well so far.I hope you are all doing ok but im sure like me you are getting stressed out with so much to do .So much harder when your heart isnt really into it this year.Love to you all x

I have been so busy and its set to continue, I prefer it too much time to think otherwise. Things are pretty grim without mum.

Beachcombergirl Thu 20-Dec-12 23:06:31

Bad day today. I've been visiting friends of mums to wish them a happy Chrismas. I've taken the baby with me for them all to see her. So overwhelming and exhausting. Lovely to share memories but I've been in floods of tears all evening. I'm going to put christmas flowers on mum and dads graves tomorrow. It feels so wrong. Mum has only been gone a few weeks and dad only 2 years. I feel too young to have to do this. I also feel wildly jealous of any friends with parents. It's do hard.

Fermin Thu 20-Dec-12 23:09:43

My stepdad died today. I loved him so much. He was only ill for 6 months and we thought he'd beat this awful illness. He was still sitting up and laughing and joking last night but this morning the fight went out of him. I'm in so much pain - for me, my stepbrothers and most of all my mum. 2013 was meant to be the year their lives began when they were both due to retire and now what has she got to look forward to?! I want him back so much.

sosadforhim Fri 21-Dec-12 00:14:21

So sad to hear your news Fermin. I imagine the shock must be awful for you. Esepcially as you all thought he was getting better. is it some comfort that only a few hours before he was happy and enjoying the company of loved ones? With my FIL who died early Tuesday I have some comfort in knowing that on he was happy and pain free on Saturday. i also know he died peacefully and quickly in the end.

Do you know when you funeral is yet? The next week will be a whirlwind of arragenement and details. My dh has been going through that the past few days. he describes it as feeling ok for a while and then devastated and realising he's lost his dad sad

The next few days will be busy for me, we have the funeral on Christmas eve, but please PM me if you want to vent/talk or whatever.

sosadforhim Fri 21-Dec-12 00:18:19

Beachcombergirl, sorry i just read your post. I can't imagine how sad you must feel having lost 2 loved ones in a short space of time. Having your precious baby must be bittersweet. I'm at the moment feelign so sad my FIL won't see my little boy grow up. I'm thinking of you.

PS - what if the world did end tomorrow? shall we see all of our loved ones sooner than we imagined?

maybeyoushouldrivesantassleigh Fri 21-Dec-12 10:26:43

Hello everyone, thought I'd posted yesterday but it seems to have vanished...

Sorry to see new faces here - look after yourselves and take it one day at a time. It's never easy to lose a much loved family member but at Christmas somehow it seems so so sad. Thinking of you all and sending strength to deal with all the funeral arrangements which in themselves are exhausting.

I'm up to my ears in trying to work out what I need to take to Dad's. He seems to be going on with Christmas preparations as if Mum is still here. He wants me to buy her favourite turkish delight and chocolate gingers but none of us eat them... He's bought masses of cherry brandy because that's Mum's special christmas treat. It's so so hard, I seem to cry on the phone to hime every time we speak just now. In fact I'm crying at everything just now - happy or sad - I even wept at Nativity the DVD which is supposed to be a comedy. Guess I'd best pack extra tissues grin

t875 Fri 21-Dec-12 14:08:47

Yeah I'm well emotional. My husband is p ing me off royalty! Saying oh he's tired and in a fog and can't think!! Oh scuse me for just lOst my mum 8 months ago and my days are full of fog and sadness on and off!!

Bloody man!! I'm giving a wide birth. Making me a lot worse.

Omg as much as I try I can't get into Christmas. I hate it. Not excited, but doing it for the kids.

We trudge on eh. Very hard
Mum miss you like crazy and Christmas won't be the same without you
You were Christmas how on earth can I float it all on my own.
I know u will be with us and whispering in my ear go on have that eclair
Or getting me to put all the cracker toys in with our going home bag
The tree looks nothing like the magic you could decorate it with. But I know that the angel on the top is very special and that real life angel looking down on us.
H

t875 Fri 21-Dec-12 14:10:24

Hope you all have a great Christmas up there.
Stand by my side mum all Christmas as I'm
Sure you will.
Love you loads and can't believe you aren't here
Hugs your ever loving daughter. Xxx

Still burying my head about it all but now and again a carol or something just sets me off sad

t875 Sat 22-Dec-12 01:01:21

Hope you guys didnt mind me writing to my mum. x

Thinking of you all. Very hard had to get christmas cards and i dont do card shops very well. But suprisingly my brother asked me if i wanted to go with him so we done it together which was nice, he seems a lot better at the moment seems to be talking about my mum which is nice and also said if i need him i know where he is. Who knows maybe the tide has turned...

Were going to the crematorium tomorrow and lighting a candle and im going to take a bauball and tinsell around her area.

Hugs for us all, were here if anyone needs to jump in and off load xx

t875 Sat 22-Dec-12 09:21:50

fermin - How awful so very sorry to hear of your loss. It must be so hard for you to comprehend. Go with your feelings, cry, talk, and be around people you are comfortable with. Thinking of you x

Beachcomb - wow what a time for you. Must be so hard. Bless you.
Thinking of you. X

t875 Sat 22-Dec-12 09:24:07

Sosadfoehim. - hope your hubby is getting along. Thank heavens he has you to support him. X

ssd Sat 22-Dec-12 19:20:40

hi girls

waiting I'm like you, trying to keep super busy to avoid thinking too much, but it isn't easy....have been to so many nights out and get togethers I'd normally avoid like the plague, I'd go to the opening of an envelope just now if it kept me busy and stopped me thinking about what I'm missing

beachcombergirl, I too am wildly jealous of anyone who still has a mum and a dad, have a cousin on fb who has both and never stops telling me of what they are doing together....I avoid her now, the pain is too much and she has no idea, which hurts like hell

t875, hope your dh gets it together!!! men eh!! mine is ok just now, I cant moan as I know the difference!! and I'm glad your dbro is improving, long may it continue !! xx

well girls Xmas is nearly here, a time to take a deep breath, stick out our chins and have a tissue ready.

its the single person meals in M&S that do me in, I always bought these for mum, seeing them on the shelf stops me in my tracks and makes me want to sob, that and the lovely flowers they do, I always bought her those as well.

its the little things that kill us isn't it, people go on about "oh you'll find Xmas so hard this year", well that's true, but its the sight of certain meals for one in M&S that has me on my knees, I know we'll all have our own little things that mean nothing to the rest of the world, but reduce us to wrecks

thinking of you all tonight xx

ssd Sat 22-Dec-12 19:22:32

and t875 what you wrote to your mum was lovely x

ssd Sat 22-Dec-12 19:42:08

Hi mum, the shops are full of things I'd have bought you for your hamper this year, loads of chocolate gingers I cant normally find anywhere, well they are everywhere now!! Loads of nice "Mum" cards for Xmas too, sometimes I read them and imagine which one I'd have bought for you. I also saw the M&S flowers I'd have got you this year, did you see me looking at them? And I seen your cup and a few other things I'd have put in for you. I'm sorry you had to go mum, I know you had to, but I miss you so much. Thanks for the signs you sent to help me , they really did make a difference! They keep me going. I know you're still around for me mum, I know you wouldn't leave me completely.

I love you xx

PS tell dad I love him too xx

sickofsocalledexperts Sat 22-Dec-12 19:50:37

I lost my mum in February. An trying to remember our happy day with her last christmas but I have no letter or final words from her, as she was concentrating on living and refusing to die. Am haunted by the question of what she suffered in the last few hours. Perhaps on morphine it is just like going to sleep? Love to all daughters being strong for their own families this Christmas. Robins appearing a lot for me too.

t875 Sat 22-Dec-12 22:33:21

Thanks ssd

Hubby was much better the next day! Needed 3 hrs extra sleep mind you! He doesn't function when woken up in night. And both our children have just got over the flu!!

But he has helped me loads since so that's good. Long may it last! He he

I'm finding it very hard for my dad at the moment. And I totally know its to be expected. But my god I wish I could take that pain away for him. He is very down. But then not too bad.
I still can't believe she isn't here!! How the hell can this be! sad I miss her like crazy.

Ssd lovely what you wrote for your mum I thought of you earlier when I saw the advert with the grouse for the drink xx

Hope your all not too bad. I know myself though I am definately up then down! :-((

t875 Sat 22-Dec-12 22:54:13

Sickofsocalled - must be so very hard for you. I'm so sorry for your loss. The significance of birds and loss is huge on this thread. Must be a connection. Thank you hard going through this trying to keep the family going too.

Thinking of you. I believe morphine does make you very sleepy so I'm sure she was comfortable. x

Ssd - I'm sure your mum saw you getting them flowers and helped you choose x

Still here, just been keeping very busy with things at home. We made a chocolate cake yesterday and decorated for christmas i feel like a let down this year havent took the kids to christmas disco or fair as i was only just out of hospital, they havent even seen santa! but did get a pnp video each.So today and tomorrow i shall mostly be being getting my ass in gear re christmas cheer and do some activitys. Cant wait to unveil my christmas eve treat smile

Missing mum so much, i would normally have spent the entire run up to christmas with her and some of christmas day with her my sis and brother. feels so very odd.

madasa Sun 23-Dec-12 08:02:15

Dad I miss you so much. I miss your wisdom, your kindness, your love. I miss the way you made everything just seem ok. I miss your calmness in this crazy world. I miss the way your face used to light up when you saw me or your granddaughter. I miss the way nothing used to phase you....nothing. I miss the way you used to call me lovey. This is my second Christmas without you. It hurts.

Love and strength to every one of you x

mummylin Sun 23-Dec-12 12:01:45

Hello everyone, i too like the rest of you have been busy and in a way its a good thing.But its when I am less busy my mind seems to wander straight back to my mum.I am going to the cemetery today to check how the flowers are and to see what i need to take there on xmas day.I have taken a little tree up for both my mum and my sisters grave and the little robins,but i want something else so will look around shops later today.I think this time of year it really brings home what we have lost and its very painful.Cant believe this is the second xmas without her ,i dont know where the last year has gone.seems to of vanished in a fog somewhere.In case i dont get on again before xmas day ,i would like to wish you all as peaceful a day as possible and i hope that 2014 will be a happier year for us all. Deepest condolences to the new posters.

ssd Sun 23-Dec-12 14:02:06

hi Dad, sorry I wrote to mum there and didn't write to you. I remember one Xmas ages ago, I was about 23 or 24, I came out to yours and mums on Xmas day, had a hangover, was in a foul mood, was annoyed that everyone seemed to have a boyfriend except me......anyway I remember sitting there all day with you and mum, just the 3 of us as usual, and being a real PITA...I remember saying to you "sorry your present wasn't up to much this year dad, but when its your birthday 12 days before Xmas its really hard to get 2 presents you'd like", as if it was your fault you were born in December!!, anyway, you must have been about 70 then, you sat there in your chair, and you said " don't worry darling, seeing your face come through that door on Xmas morning is enough for me"....I couldn't speak, I was so humbled and grateful I had you and mum to come to at Xmas.It brought me right to my senses.

At least you've got mum back now, you waited long enough for her.

Love you dad xx

t875 Sun 23-Dec-12 21:37:47

Oh bless you ssd that was lovely to your dad and I'm sure meant so much to him to know.

Sending my love to you and hugs. Here if u need me xx

Well believe it or not I'm not too bad today but I cried buckets yesterday when we put flowers and Xmas bits up the crem. But today hasnt been to bad. Think I'm done thank god. With a few deep breaths tackling shops :D i brought my mum a lovely mirror with rainbow coloured stones, and i got me from her a bracelet that jumped out in my mind with a feather, and a heart and it had words- very prominent! The girls got her a little something too, And we brought a soft toy bear with a union jack ribbon round it's neck and we got this from my mum to them.

Hope everyone is going along ok

Sounds really nice what you have done mummylin. I put a little gold bauball and a pine cone decorated in silver glitter and we put some flowers down. I really feel she is around but wish she was physically. Miss her like mad.

Thinking of you all xx

mummylin Sun 23-Dec-12 21:53:09

May i take this opportunity to thank everyone on this thread for all the support and sympathy over the last few months .It really has helped to be able to talk to others in the same situation.So thankyou all, you have all made this awful time so much more bearable.
t785 i have bought today some silver branches and red which i will mix in with fresh flowers i also bough some sparkly purple baubles on sticks to put in the ground.I didnt take flowers today ,i just wanted to see what the situation was with the flowers i took last.A lot need replacing because the squirrels have pecked the heads off !! i have also got a wreath for both of them which i will take on tuesday.For an extra 50p you could have the wreaths sprayed with snow and sparkle ,so i did! I did take the laminate xmas cards today though. am not feeling too bad most of the time but now and again through the day mum creeps into my mind. I hope she can see my little xmas tree and the little robins. Love and miss you mum xxx

Willdoitinaminute Sun 23-Dec-12 22:02:56

Mum & Dad
As always we will all have a quiet moment over Christmas when we will be thinking of you.
Mum, life was so cruel to take you before you had chance to meet your wonderfully gc. We have tried to make Christmas special for them as you did for us. Although still haven't managed to get Ds to eat chestnut stuffing but will keep trying.However,he has tried sprouts.
The dog died this year so Dad will have another one to walk up there wherever you are. This one isn't as well trained as the last so watch her.
All our love as always
Ps Dad still trying hard to think before I open mouth but it really is difficult to change the habits of a lifetime. I am getting better with Dsis though.

t875 Sun 23-Dec-12 22:06:49

Such a hard time for us all.

And huge hugs to us all.

Heifer Sun 23-Dec-12 22:57:09

I posted this below 2 years ago today, feel just the same today as then in fact tbh feel much worse today as having a really hard time generally with everyday life right now, which makes me miss mum even more than before.....
-----------------------------------------

My mum died 5 years ago today... And my dad almost 9 years ago.

Don't feel like going into too much detail now, but just to say that I miss them both so much.

I hate that they aren't here to watch my wonderful DD grow up. And more than anything I miss my mums cuddles..

I would give up so much for 1 of her cuddles right now....

BiscuitsandBaileys Mon 24-Dec-12 10:28:00

Hi all.
I haven't been on these threads for a few weeks now as I had been doing mostly "ok", but now I feel like I am going through the motions of christmas, doing shopping, wrapping baking etc without actually wanting to. I just put on a front and act like everything is normal and all good when it's not, because my mum isn't here this christmas sad
We will go to the crem in the morning and put some flowers next to her tree and her plaque, and that is it, thats all I can do for my mum this christmas.
Miss you mum xxxxxxx

I hope you all have a peaceful christmas xx

Just popping on to wish everyone a peaceful Christmas, will be lighting a candle tonight for everyone who has lost parents.

My parents 15 year anniversary passed quietly on the 21st (Dads birthday was on the 22nd), I went and lit a candle and said a quiet prayer in my local church for them both, and had a little cry.

DH bought a beautiful new star for the top of the christmas tree to make up for the loss of mum and dads fairy and I have to say I really love it, and have decided to let the fairy go.

I will speak to my brothers and sisters on Christmas day aswell, as they nearly all have their own families now and although we will all laugh and be happy a little part of us all will be thinking of them at some part of the day, and I think that only we siblings can understand that.

much love to you, especially those who are facing their first christmas without a parent. xx

Beachcombergirl Mon 24-Dec-12 19:22:05

I hope everyone here feels some joy during this difficult time x

t875 Mon 24-Dec-12 21:12:19

I just want to say quick check in.

My belief anything we are doing for our parents they can see.
But we are all different.

Thinking of all of you at this hard time and hope that your days go as good as they can do.
Check in anytime if u need a shoulder or ear and just want to just put words out there to them like a letter or diary entry.

Much love and hugs to you all and strength and light.

X

Merry christmas all, i hope the day has gone well. We have had a good day depsite everything, have had a few moments of full on tears where ive shuffled off for a bit. Opened the presents we found in mums house, one is a calendar from the hospice where she was receiving day care seems kind of fitting but sobbed when opened that one. Went to nan and gdads with bro and sis and the children and there were more moments.Its so hard to see my grandad cry sad but i know i couldnt make him feel any better. The dc have had a wonderful day and we have all been spoilt, i am happy if thats the right word but i still feel like a huge part was missing today.

Missing mum always, and wishing things were different.

ssd Tue 25-Dec-12 20:31:51

hi everyone, Merry Christmas to you all. Hope the day passed as happily as possible for everyone here.

we have had a nice day, but there's something missing all the time, have thought of my mum a lot today.... haven't spoken to siblings, mum died 3 months ago and they haven't spoke to me today and wont worry about it...I seen mum every Christmas for the last 40 odd years, they don't realize I might miss her....I need to stop looking for support from them and accept it isn't there, don't think it ever was if I'm honest... isn't it strange you can get more love and support from the internet than from your flesh and blood...anyway like mummylin I want to thank everyone here for listening to me and sharing their loss so honestly, it helps to know how you feel is normal, not crazy!!

I haven't been to where I grew up and scattered mums ashes today or lately, its just too painful just now, too cold and bleak. Going there myself without mum is too hard, she was the person I went with to the area we put the ashes down, I used to take her there regularly and going alone is too awful, I've got to be in the right frame of mind for it and I'm not just now.

love to you all tonight and love to our loved ones too

My wonderful, amazing dad died 4 years ago (June) and this has been the first Xmas spent with my mum at her house. Until now, Xmas has always been at mine.

Today was so hard sad Everywhere I looked, I saw my dad. From the dining table to the living room - his presence was everywhere but he wasn't there - if that makes sense?

I didn't expect to find today so hard - as I said its been 4 years. Sorry for the self pitying thread but can't explain it to any of my RL friends as none of them have lost parents.

mummylin Wed 26-Dec-12 00:10:09

Hi everyone ,i hope you have all managed to cope well with today.I felt very sad this morning when i went to the cemetery ,but after that the day went well.I have had my family around and that has helped a lot.
On a brighter note [ sort of ] Im sure all the posters who have been on here the longest will be glad to hear that my dh bought me a new computer so hopefully when its all geared up i will then be able to load the longer threads,the only thing is i am terrified of change and am already worried and its not even plugged in yet.!! Wishing you all a peacefull day for boxing day.
friendlymum67 you have said what many of us have noticed ,that if someone has not lost a parent ,they dont know how awful it is and how full of grief it leaves us, the children.
Love to you all xxx

ssd Thu 27-Dec-12 19:36:22

reading the end of your post there, mummylin, has brought me some comfort, the bit about "that if someone has not lost a parent ,they dont know how awful it is", knowing that my cousin, and her mum who I've always been close to, have not mentioned my mum once to me over this Xmas period, as if I've just managed to forget her completely. They live abroad, so we only chat online, but I thought we were very close, they are very religious and post many comments about caring for others, etc etc, but they seem to have forgotten I LOST MY MUM AND MIGHT NEED A BIT OF SUPPORT JUST NOW (OOPS SOrry for the caps there), they just want to say what a wonderful Xmas they all had together, not mentioning my mum once, I don't know if its ignorance or just selfishness, I really don't know, it just hurts that they are so thoughtless to me when I need them now.

hugs to you all, i hope you're all busy and not having too much time to think about how sad we feel xx

t875 Fri 28-Dec-12 15:38:44

Xmas day and boxing day wasnt too bad had some fun and laughs but hard too at times, hard boxing day  dad done dinner and tea! Really dodnt think i could do dinner but we did, i passed her a plate of food and a glass of wine! I'm sure she was looking down smiling at a lot of moments I'm sure Had to be strong 4 the girls and my dad was bl  How was your Xmas and your holiday!? Hope it was calm for you xx 

t875 Fri 28-Dec-12 15:40:24

Bloody hard and i missed her like mad.
Hope your days went ok. Was thinking of you all.
who would have thought this time last year she was fine and with us. sad
X

t875 Fri 28-Dec-12 15:41:32

Not sure what happened to my message. Sorry went a bit funny x

maybeyoushouldrivesantassleigh Fri 28-Dec-12 15:43:20

Have been away over Christmas - could have done with access to this thread while I was away - it's so hard to celebrate when you don't feel like it. Happy Christmas from me to you all anyway - hope you survived it as well as you could.

We spent Christmas with Dad and my sister and her family at my parents house. It was so hard to be there and Mum not to be - I kept having flashbacks to last Christmas when she was so poorly. I just wanted her there, hale and hearty 'doing' Christmas with all the trimmings. There were a fair few tears from me at times, but the children had a good time I think, so Mum would be pleased with us I hope.

Just New Year to get through now!

t875 Fri 28-Dec-12 17:07:16

Yeah same here maybe. I'm sure she was happy seeing the girls have a good time.
We all did but I felt very empty and it was very hard to not have her here with us.

I put my pulled cracker on her shelf along with a hat. Sat in her place in the front room. Raisd a glass to her.

This thread has been a huge support to me over the last 8 months.
Thank you so much.
Hugs for anyone who needs it x

Beachcombergirl Fri 28-Dec-12 18:21:15

Hugs all. I hope you are all coping. It's hard isnt it. I've been up and down. My sister bought my dd, on her first christmas, the gift mum was going to get her. That makes me feel a bit shaky and weepy. So sad she will never get her anything else again. Keep strong everyone xx

t875 Fri 28-Dec-12 19:45:35

Beachcombgirl. It's so hard isn't it the thought of them not getting the kiddies anything. I brought my girls a bear from wh smith which I think was 2012 Olympics which I think was nice for them as she would have loved the Olympics. So we got them both a bear from her and I brought me a bracelet from Dorothy perkins with a feather on it
I brought her a lovely mirror compact with rainbow stones. X

dont feel good tonight i have nothing left to plan or keep me occupied and it seems to have hit me now. no more walking to mums after school drop off and spending the day with her

t875 Fri 28-Dec-12 22:33:00

Bless you waiting ((()) hugs to you Hun. I so know what you mean. It hit me massive yesterday morning! Couldn't stop playing songs in relation to her I guess the only thing that gets me through them times is the belief she is around me/us and will never leave us, but I also know some days that doesn't touch the grief I feel of her not being around anymore.

It must be so hard for you that have recently lost as I remember the heart break and how bad it was after I lost her, it's still bad now, but has got a little easier with time.

My thoughts are with you all xx

I think because it was all i used to do i feel at a complete loss now, when littlest monster goes back to school what next. Theres been so much going on recently just wish i had her here, would give anything to see her smile again.

t875 Fri 28-Dec-12 23:23:41

Oh I know what you mean my god i do. It's new years eve is going to be hard too. That time last year we had one hell of a party there was only 8 of us but we must have sounded like we were in a party of 20!

I'm pleased her last new years not only my brother was with us ( always not been with us) and she danced and really partied with us.
It is mental and so shit she isn't here this year! How the hell is she not here this year! And Suprisingly my brother isn't going to be with us.

Hope Christmas went along ok waiting. Was so hard wasn't it. I bet our muns were there though. X

Christmas was ok, spent some time with my grandparents brother and sister. it was nice and we had some laughs but plenty of tears too. doubt we will do anything for new year, been invited out tonight but don't feel like it right now will see. how are you all?

mummylin Sat 29-Dec-12 14:23:50

Well it seems that most of us have now got through xmas without our loved ones.You wonder how can that be,how can we have xmas with someone so loved missing ? I am not going out on new years eve,couldnt face it last year and cant face it this year either.I dont mind if dh wants to go out.he did last year and i just sat alone and sobbed.I wanted to be on my own and i want to do that this year too,although i expect i will be on the phone to my sister at some point.I still believe my mum is here and in fact when i was pointing out a new plant i said to my sis in law " my mum bought me that " when in fact she didnt my old neighbour gave it to me. The thought of all the years ahead without her are quite daunting and that too makes me so sad.But on the other hand i know my mum would be cross to think that i havent really moved on at all.I think all my brothers have now accepted it,although i know they are still sad.I cannot accept she isnt here and until i do i think i will just be in limbo.Now i have to try and make some order of all the presents dh and i have recieved.Once all the packaging has been thrown out ,it will be a lot easier.Still havent changed over to my new comp as i keep putting it off !!
Love and peace to you all. xx

t875 Sat 29-Dec-12 15:53:44

I know what you mean mummylin. My mum would be very sad that I wasn't moving on so I try my best to be cheerful like she was. But my god some days are hard.

I do feel my mum I can't explain it. I guess we spoke spiritual things when she was alive so we have a connection but it's not enough a lot of the time as I just want her here. I miss our chats and just her being here.
I find myself talking to her a lot some days and long for an answer.

If it was up to me I'd go to bed new years eve! My girls want to celebrate it so I guess I best. But my god it will be hard :-( x

BiscuitsandBaileys Mon 31-Dec-12 09:39:04

Hi everyone.
T875, thats really nice that you feel your mum around you often.
Hope you are all doing ok today. I'm feeling down today, I don't want to start a new year without my mum, I feel like I'm leaving her behind. And then the middle of January will be the first anniversary of losing her. Also my dads cancer is getting worse and I can't even begin to think what that means. Last night I went to bed and cried, I don't do that often and I think thats why I feel so down. But I'll put on my 'everything's fine' face that I'm sure so many of you are familiar with and carry on like all is good.
Love to you all xxx

ssd Mon 31-Dec-12 12:16:51

hi girls

yes biscuits, I know that face well...we will all be experts in it!! I know what you mean about a new year leaving mum behind, I kind of feel like that but also feel like t875, my mum is here at my house now, so she'll come into the new year with us....just wish I could see her again

hugs to you all xx

slapping on my "honest im fine" face to go to town shopping, dont feel good today at all. Sick of all the moaning fb status from friends about their crap year which wasnt actually that bad. And moaning about their family, id give anything to be with my family this year like many of you probably would too. Its getting v annoying

jammic Mon 31-Dec-12 20:31:23

My dad died last february. I miss him so much. I got thru Xmas ok but new year feels like a whole other ball game. 2013 is a year without dad. I don't want to celebrate it, I'd rather go to sleep...

t875 Mon 31-Dec-12 23:03:17

oh god this is not easy atall, i also have slapped on my "im fine face" but really its difficult and my dad is struggling a lot tonight, i have tried to pick him up but its not worked atall smile

raised a glass to her tonight, i know she is around but i just want to see her and speak to her!!!

plus my brother was meant to see my dad tomorrow and he told him tonight when he got here that he couldnt make it, when only earlier he confirmed it. grrr!

Thinking of you all tonight , what a tough time for all of us {{hugs}} xx

t875 Mon 31-Dec-12 23:04:09

wrong smiley at the beginning was meant to be sad

ssd Mon 31-Dec-12 23:19:29

jammic, keep posting here, we understand only too well....

waiting, I hate fb now, have had to hide most folk I know, cant take all the family stories and boasting

t875, your poor dad, wish I could give him a hug!

lets jut get through new year girls, its all we can do

thinking of you all xxx

ssd Tue 01-Jan-13 00:01:03

happy new year mum, love you xxx

ssd Tue 01-Jan-13 00:14:46

I miss you and dad so much mum, I have an ache deep inside myself I don't think I'll ever fill....I love my kids and dh, I'm lucky to have them, but I don't want to be an orphan when all my friends have a mum and dad, I'm too young to be where I am, I wish you'd had me sooner but I suppose I'm just glad you had me at all. I hope you're having a drink together and welcoming in the bells..wherever you both are, at least I know you're together now.

xx

ds managed to stay up till half twelve, it was nice to have him as a distraction wearing silly string from party poppers as hair and being thrilled at the fireworks. wherever mum is now I hope she knows how much we miss her. no matter how short the time we had her I'd of never wished for anyone else

t875 Tue 01-Jan-13 01:40:10

Bloody hell that wasnt easy was it! sad Im sure they are all having a drink up there with their loved ones.

But that was actually a lot harder than christmas, probably could have been a little better for my kids on the strike of midnight but what can you do when a significant charactor special lady is missing.

Happy new year mum, i take you into 2013 with me/us , you will never be forgotten!!! {{{hugs to you all}}} xx

jammic Tue 01-Jan-13 08:32:21

I fell asleep luckily. It took me ages though. And now we're in 2013. It's dads birthday this month and the anniversary of the last time I saw him. My dad died last year, not this year. It just feels like he's slipping away.

Well done everyone for making it through

mummylin Wed 02-Jan-13 11:54:46

wishing everyone the hopes that somehow we will begin to find some peace within ourselves.Like the rest of you i found new years eve very difficult.I also feel its going into another year.I have now had two xmas's without her,even though its only 14 months since mum died.At 1 am on new years eve we took one of my brothers to heathrow and by the time we got back it was 5am,then of course i was over tired and could not sleep.So thats one of the reasons i didnt want to go anywhere also i wanted to sit and think of my mum at midnight on my own,dh went to the pub which is fine.I sat and spoke to her and believe it or not i sent a text to my mums phone which i have here ! it has been in her handbag since she died and obviously now has no battery .I dont have the charger for it ,but one day i want to go through it and if there are any messages she has sent me still there ,i will send them to myself and treasure them.I also dont like the fact that now i have to say mum died in 2011,it seems so long ago but was only 7 weeks away from xmas.Please let this year be the year i can think of mum without having this awful feeling inside.Missing you terribly mum xxx

ssd Wed 02-Jan-13 14:21:49

all the books I read say time heals, I wonder if it does or if we just get used to things more? when my dad died I was totally heartbroken, but 14 yrs later I can say time did heal...but I had my mum all that time, so didn't feel I'd lost everything...now mum has gone too I cant see how time can heal, I think its just a case of getting used to a new world...

has anyone here lost both parents and found time heals? I guess it depends on your circumstances, I don't have siblings close to me in any way, so feel I've lost my past totally...maybe having some bothers or sisters close by to still share life with would help, I'm a bit like an only child in that my siblings live 100's of miles away and aren't close to me, it was always just me and mum when dad died

mummylin, that's a good idea with the phone....that would be lovely to see your mums old messages.. I threw mums old mobile out when I was clearing out her flat, I had to clear it out quickly and by myself so my mind wasn't thinking straight and there's things I would have kept with hindsight, but at that time i was just in a fog with it all

can't be bothered at all today , finding things really difficult so curled up with ds watching dvds. I posted an aibu about how awful my friends have been in supporting me. I've not seen a single one of my friends since October when mum went into hospital. feel so lonely and let down. glad I have you guys to chat too or I'd go bats

maybeyoushouldrivesantassleigh Wed 02-Jan-13 16:41:27

waiting that's hard, glad we can be here for you a bit (although I know it's not the same as a RL hug)

I've not been on the computer at all for days, so there's loads of messages to read back through. It's been tough going over Christmas and New Year, I'm almost looking forward to getting back into the school run routine, so I can feel I'm moving forward a bit. It's strange to think we lost Mum last year, not this year anymore sad I can't believe how the time has flown by without her here, I feel like it should drag by but I can't believe it will be a year at the end of February shock

Thinking of you all and hoping that 2013 things get a bit easier to deal with x

Galaxymum Wed 02-Jan-13 17:54:38

Hi everyone. I found New Year very difficult. Coming to the end of 2012 was like leaving mum there and I sobbed at the Remembering montages. Christmas was lovely as dd is 6 and I totally focused on hr but after I had awful grief again. I was overwhelmed. I need to sort the temaining things at mum's house so it can go up for sale. I shoved stuff in cupboards in the autumn ss I couldn't deal with her coats and her handbags etc. I feel a bit pressured now asPIL are decorating and asking if they should get rid of stuff.It makes me overly precioud as I'm an only one and it's hard go letgo.

Galaxymum Wed 02-Jan-13 19:55:53

I meant to say before I didn't post in December as I had my mum's inquest and then rushed on to Christmas. But I do hope everyone is ok.

Anyone facing up to an inquest - I actually found it gave me quite a bit of closure. I was lucky as the coroner was very experienced, very personnable and directed everything so I would understand. He made sure I was happy for witnesses to move on and gave me time to ask the questions I needed to ask which was very helpful to giving me closure.

By the end I knew no one was to blame, I heard fully how my mum fell in hospital and learned exactly why the 1st op had failed (and that no one was to blame.)

The booklet sent to me about the inquest after mum died really freaked me out as it was so formal. But actually the process was very much about why and how, and was done very sensitively.

If anyone has to go through the process and has any questions I'd be happy to answer what it was like.

MovingOnNow Wed 02-Jan-13 22:33:36

Hi all, my dad died a month ago today and we had the funeral on 17th, then straight into Christmas. He was in hospital for 3 months with advanced stage dementia and had been ill for 5 years before that. From the moment he was diagnosed I always accepted his illness and I knew he would die. I wanted him to go. He only hit the advanced stage a week before going into hospital and even a week before he died, there was talk of him going into a nursing home. He then suddenly got very sick, got pneumonia and died. I was relieved when he went, the endless trips to the hospital were awful and I know much he would have hated it, if he had properly known. It only really hits me now when I visit my mum. Sounds silly but the gone-ness of him is hard. He had hardly been out for years and was always absent from family parties, though he did manage an hour at my house the Xmas before but that was very rare. But when I visit, the physical absence of him is very strange. I had stopped thinking about what he was like before he was sick, very loud sometimes and the life and soul often. I didn't always get on with him, we would clash sometimes. But now I am remembering that as well as remembering the very quiet soul he became, the grandad my children knew who was actually very different to my dad. It's like two people died really. My youngest child was born only weeks before my dad first got ill. He is still little and has difficulties with speech and communication, the same skills my sad was losing gradually. He would always sit on my dads lap and give him a hug before we left. I think he liked him because he didn't talk much either, there were no expectations on either side. I think this has been one of the most painful things about it, watching my dad and child failing in the same way for very different reasons. But I'm grateful to him for going when he did, he has given me the freedom to concentrate my mind on just my son and I really, desperately needed to be able to do that. One day I think I will be able to look back and take in everything that has happened. It's hard at the moment but I think it will get us to a better place. Sorry for all your losses and well done for making it through Christmas and new year,

mummylin Wed 02-Jan-13 22:53:52

MovingOnNow It sounds like you have had the past 5 years to prepare yourself for what was to come.I am glad you have found peace now that your dad has found his own eternal peace.You sound very together and you have accepted things well.I wish i could do that too ,but i know i never will.Thanks for posting,its good to see a different side of the coin.

mummylin Wed 02-Jan-13 23:13:31

Galaxymum i am glad to see that the inquest was bearable for you.At least you now have the answers you wanted.I wish i had someone to answer the questions i have .There was no coroner involved for my mum.But when i go to my doctor next there are a couple of things i am going to ask him.
ssd i was lucky in that i had lots of time to empty my mms house.My brother and I just did it when we felt like it.Mums phone was in her handbag which she asked me to bring home as she wouldnt need it there.I have her bag in my wardrobe along with her purse which still has mony in and lots of her bits and pieces.Mum was quite happy when i left her that night,she was feeling ok and was looking forward to the next night because she had a tele at the bottom of her bed that she would be able to watch her fav prog on [ downton abbey ] Heartbreakingly she didnt have the next night sad and i cannot believe it even now.

t875 Wed 02-Jan-13 23:20:08

[waiting] how horrible of your friends not to be there for you. We can be your friends here, i talk more to you guys then any of my friends.
[mummylin] let us know how it goes going through the phone, hope that wont be too painful for you. I wish i had something like that, i have video of her at christmas and new year 2011 though, although it kills me to see it but then some days i can see it and say hi to her.
[movingonnow] what a time you have been through, so very sorry to hear about what happened with your dad. Im sure your dad is looking down on your little boy with you, but i know that really doesnt help.
[galaxymum] i was wondering where you were. Glad you got the closure from the inquest, although i can imagine was painful for you at times. I sometimes wonder about when they took my mum in if they moved quick enough and what they done, but my god if i was to find out something could have been done or we could have {although i know we couldn't} it would kill me... But I always get that little nag from time to time.
[ssd] i will PM you hope your ok hun x

Hope everyone is ok, least we are over christmas and the new year although ive got April coming up which is when we lost her, god sake just mind blowing how the hell she just died on us. sad

My dad was so depressed on the day before new years and new years eve and the day after, i was so worried about him, i have to say i was drained from all my energy, he is doing ok, but when he has these dips my god he goes down, i am pleased he is seeing cruse in February. He was massively strong through christmas though. Im always there for my dad and i know my mum still is for him and she helps me along sometimes with guidance what to say and what to do.

Thinking of us all, hugs xx

HoneyKate Thu 03-Jan-13 14:11:40

I lost my mum just before Christmas. It's hard to describe how I feel....empty...bereft...like I'm missing a limb. My dad having died some 5 years ago means I am an orphan...I don't mean to sound dramatic but I feel really alone even though I am married and have children. My safety net has gone and there is only me to take care of me. I have had to come back to work this week, I work a long way from home so have a long daily commute. It's only been 2 days back and I feel exhausted already. I can't sleep more than a couple of hours at night even though I am desperately tired all the time. I miss her all the time, it feels like there's a huge stone in my chest, heavy and aching. My enthusiasm for life and everything has gone, I'm just going through the motions. The last couple of weeks seem to have passed in a blur. My older siblings took control of the funeral arrangements although I was consulted (but then mostly ignored). I didn't have the energy to argue and mum wouldn't have wanted that anyway. Mum had been very ill for a long time with one form of cancer after another and it was truly dreadful to see her waste away. I feel selfish for wishing she was still here with me because she had been in so much pain. But I just feel so sad all the time. The rest of the family seem to have gone "back to normal" with life just carrying on as always. I'm going through the motions but my heart isn't in it. Ideally I'd like to just stop working and pretty much hibernate for the next few weeks or months. I daren't take any more time off due to risk of redundancy and am in a financial muddle already, don't want to make things worse. I just can't believe I won't see her again, talk to her, laugh with her, that no-one will ever call me "my baby girl" again. Thinking of you all on this thread and hoping you each find the strength to get through the days ahead x

Oh HoneyKate I'm so sorry to hear your news. How you're feeling is very very familiar to me. It does begin to get easier to function day to day, but you are still in the very early stages of grief where you need to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel how you need to feel. It's so tough to lose a parent, but to have lost two is very unfair.

My Mum died from lung cancer after many earlier illnesses. I wouldn't want her back to suffer all that she did, but oh I wish she was still here. She is missing so much sad

I hope you find some comfort on this thread - you are surrounded by people who have experienced the same or similar bereavement. We're all trying just to get by.

ssd Fri 04-Jan-13 22:22:44

honey, I know exactly what you mean, I'm now an orphan too...there's just a big gap in my life where my parents should be/were....your experience sounds a lot like mine, my siblings went back tot their lives and work and hardly missed a beat, I feel like I've lost a limb too, the hole mum has left is just enormous...the routine I had visiting her and sorting things out for her has gone and I'm just spinning around with no direction...I feel like I've got no purpose now

the ache I feel when I think there is no home town to visit now, the first time I haven't been able to go there in forty odd years, is terrible, words cant describe it

and what makes it worse is I feel no one of my friends or family has a clue how bereft I feel, my cousins and friends still have their mums and are living in that safe bubble where your mum is there at the end of the phone and you can discuss your childhood and dad with her and she knows you and your past inside out as she shared it with you

when that's all gone and there's no one to remember things with its just terrible

I don't want to live in the past, but I cant wipe it out like it never happened

how do people move forward? I suppose in time it'll all ache less

ssd Fri 04-Jan-13 22:25:08

sorry didn't want to ignore everyone else, still thinking of you all xx

ssd Fri 04-Jan-13 22:32:57

I think this year is going to be really hard, I was just writing dates in my new diary, all I can see is mums birthday and the day she died and her funeral staring out at me

she's been gone nearly 4 months now, feels like a lifetime, like I last saw her another life ago, last visited her village a million lifetimes ago...I've been since, but its too hard, there's no one there I visit now, I just drove through the streets that are as familiar as my right hand and drove away alone

its just all too sad xx

struggling so much and nobody seems to understand why sad I wish I was in any way religious or spiritual I would give anything to believe that she was somewhere out of pain. I miss her so much.

mummylin Sat 05-Jan-13 14:58:27

ssd i too have no idea how people move on.My mind is just constantly on my mum,the weekend that she died and everything else that followed.I have been clearing out the spare room where i have my comp and desk etc and found a bag with the little tapes that you put in your video recorder.I have found a tape that says mums 70th !! i am happy to of found it but i cant watch it as i dont have the adapter that you fit into a video player.But i know that i also have normal videos of my mum but have not yet been able to watch them.I think i am too frightened to as it will be so upsetting ,but on the other hand thank god i do have them for the future.
waiting I also cant bear the thought that my mum is nowhere, and like you religion does not play a part in my life.I wish i could believe that mum is waiting for me somewhere and that i will meet up with her and my sister one day.I know my mum dearly hoped it was true so she could be reunited with her youngest daughter.But ....... i dont know for sure this is what happens.
thinking of you all and hoping each day is better than the day before xx

ssd Sun 06-Jan-13 15:29:19

mummylin, I'm reading a very good book called "motherless daughters"that a very kind mnetter sent me, it describes really well how some people move on and some don't, it calls us types who don't move on so well "sensitives", being generally more easily hurt and in tune with others feelings....this describes me well, probably you too...and also explains how we all keep in touch so well on this thread, thinking of each other and hoping for the best for everyone, we're probably all "sensitives"

waiting, I don't want to go on, but I feel all of our mums and dads are somewhere and its not a million miles away, we just cant see them any more....but they definitely don't just disappear for ever...I hope you get a feel of your mum soon xx PS I'm not remotely religious either x

t875 Sun 06-Jan-13 22:10:22

im the same I wholeheartedly believe our loved ones who pass on do not leave us and stay with us, guiding and looking out for us.
I have had some concrete in my face things happen since my mum has passed there has been a lot that has gone on possibly coincidence but I don't think so. I have had the odd white fluffy feather and the most strangest thing is that feather was bone dry sitting on my decking and it had been pouring with rain for days hadnt stopped raining so that was very strange. Me and my mum spoke about feathers though in the past as I got one a few times after we lost our dog after 14years which again was upsetting as he was like a massive part of our family.

But I respect we arent all going to believe in these things
Some days though the spiritual belief is very hard and it just isnt enough. xx

HoneyKate Mon 07-Jan-13 12:05:06

It's a comfort to know I'm not alone in my grief and sorrow but equally I am sorry others are sharing this dreadful pain. My mum believed there was "something" in the afterlife as I asked her before she died. She said she believed she would be reunited in some form with her parents and brother. I so desperately want to believe that it's true - if I don't believe it's true then it means I will never be "with" her and dad again and that's too awful to contemplate. But how can I make myself believe it when I am so full of doubt? We are not a religious family but I find myself wondering if going to church or speaking to a vicar might help (this is so unlike the normal me). Mum promised me she would send me some kind of "sign" if she possibly could, this was something we spoke about quite a lot. But I have felt no sense of her presence at all since she died and have had no dreams of her although I wish I could. I have to start clearing her belongings next weekend as the house owner wants to start renting it again and I am dreading going back and seeing all her personal things, her hairbrush, handbag, glasses etc....I can't bear it.

ssd Mon 07-Jan-13 16:12:22

oh honey, you aren't alone in your sorrow, please trust me in that, you've got lots of friends here holding your hand, virtually at least!! A lot of us here have lost both parents and are feeling as lost and lonely as you will be just now, I think clearing out your mums stuff will be very hard, I hope you have someone close to you to help you?

re signs from your mum.....in my experience things fall into place gradually, sometimes things will hit you square in the face, other things are more subtle. I have realized the signs I've had from my mum have all been to do with birds.....and birds was something very close to her....but I've only realized this over time.....when you feel something you'll know, it'll be very personnel to you and your mum......I hope so anyway, I can only speak of my experiences but its helped me a lot.

hugs to you xxx

mummylin Mon 07-Jan-13 19:28:27

HoneyKate i feel so sorry that you now have to do the clearing,it is one of the hardest things to do.I found myself keeping so much of my mums stuff and i still have lots of boxes of it here which i will go through when i feel able to.Maybe you could get some storage boxes ,the big plastic ones and just take all the personal stuff home until you have decided what you want to keep.I have my mums bag,her phone,her comb ,glasses book she was reading and numerous things as well as lots of knick knacks she kept, all her knitting wool and sewing stuff.Oh so much i can tell you,but i will sort out out one day.My siblings have all had a lots of things from her house and i expect there to be some more when its sorted out.I even have scraps of paper that mum had written stuff on , just to keep her close to me.Good luck with it.
.Tomorrow i am swapping computers over so if you dont see me for a few days its because its all gone wrong ... or i dont know what to do on it !!! Love to you all x

t875 Mon 07-Jan-13 22:40:37

honeykate Thinking of you and just to let you know although been said before you are not alone, we are all with you from all our different areas over the country sending you love and hugs.
We are here for you and like Ssd has said I too believe they are around as the same as you said the alternative absolutely obliterates me. Im the same as ssd random robins, random songs on the radio, ask for a sign honey kate and hopefully if not straight away you will get one, it maybe something you get a strong feeling about things you shared with your parents, or a coin, I kept finding beads although i hoovered my floor and my me and my mum would always make bracelets she would with the girls 2! But I would find beads a lot.
If you need a chat on that side of things always here for you. I read a lot on the internet about the white feathers and also signs.
I have also smelt perfume and I also have had my name called a few times.
Thinking of you, like I said though the spiritual belief is there for me but its hard some days as I want her here physically!! (((hugs)))

Hi ssd pm'd you hun xx
Mummylin - I know what you mean about things still to go through, i kept a lot of my mums and ive got to go through it all, its going to be hard again to do, but i want to get a nice box to put the special bits in.
good luck with the computer!! xx

HoneyKate Tue 08-Jan-13 14:32:27

Thanks so much for your kindness ssd, mummylin, t875. Just wondering if anyone else was having any mind/memory issues. I was in a meeting earlier today and found I couldn't verbalise at all what I wanted to say, the words just wouldn't come, i was stammering and "er"ing like a fool. Can grief do this to a person? I feel that a lot of my confidence has just disappeared. My colleagues are aware of my loss but I still felt very embarrassed and self-conscious.
My sister will be at the house with me at the weekend and possibly my brother too. They are fairly practical, non-sentimental types, I will be the one not wanting to see anything moved from its usual place. I know it will be a tough and tearful day but I guess it will be comforting to bring a few of mum's things home with me.
Mummylin - I found a few of mum's handwritten shopping lists in my bag as I used to shop for her once a week. I also have a couple of recipes in her handwriting which I treasure.

t875 Tue 08-Jan-13 16:33:29

Hi Honeykate - yes i remember it well my memory still isnt great now and thats after 9 months. After my mum passed I couldnt work for 3 weeks as I seriously was all over the place plus there for my dad.

Good luck with the clearing that was a very hard task, but I have got some lovely bits which i know she would be over the moon that ive and my girls have got.

Here if you need us. x

Well..I am ok.... sad and not much motivation but im trying to stay above the water, but i feel very blah......doesnt help that i havent got work and i can only part time which is hard to find.

Really finding hard to motivate myself :-/ I think its going to be hard leading up to April and still cant believe one day we spoke next she was gone and also is it normal for me to think back to this time last year and it was possibly the start of the slippery slope of illness although we would never have known sad
She was on sleeping tablets the night before and was slurring her words but we put it down to the tablets as she was like the night before, but she had a full conversation with my dad before bed, i just feel i could have saved her and its killing me feeling like that. But eveyone is telling me there is no way I would have known with her, i was having a normal conversation the day before about dinner and having a laugh! My eldest was playing me up hormones etc so i was chatting with her about that, but i did get a chance to say what a great mum she was and how hard must have been without her own mum which she appreciated a lot, was weird how i had that deep conversation with her literally on the eve of her passing. sad

Thinking of you all x

t875 Tue 08-Jan-13 16:34:13

was meant to be sad faces!! Whats up with my computer!

have been doing ds memory box with some things from when we were clearing out. cards, photos, perfume, stubs from day out , headscarf, teddy and a book with memories in. his last wrapped present bought with mums Christmas vouchers of a st Christopher pendant for when he reaches teenage years. I am miserable, really lonely and the next person who rattles on about back to normal now is going to get chinned sad.

t875 Tue 08-Jan-13 17:18:29

Giving you a hug waiting, bless you! Its nice to do these things for our children isnt it, but it kills inside and makes you miss them even more.

Im the same, i actually feel like Im in a smog again and feel stressed!!

i find it amusing you are blessing me for threatening to chin people grin It is certainly very hard putting it together but i dont want him to forget her. Hoping you feel better too, if you want to put the world to rights give me a pm smile

Hi everyone!

HoneyKate - don't underestimate the effect grief has on you, both mentally and physically. IMO it's entirely normal to lose confidence, I know I have. When the rudder of your life goes, there must be a period of readjustment, where we find out who we really are, not just daughters IYSWIM.

I can't help with the sorting things out - Dad is still living in their bedroom as if Mum is still there - her clothes are still neatly folded at the bottom of the bed where she left them... My gut feeling though is keep what you feel attached to if you have space to store it - there will be plenty of time in the future to go through it when you feel able.

Mummylin - hope we see you back here asap and that the computer move went uneventfully!

t875 - the what ifs are hard to deal with, but I'm sure your Mum cherished your last hours with her and knew how much you loved her.

I wish we could bring them all back, feels so unreal that they're not here. I don't think I ever really understood the finality of death before losing Mum. I've had pets all my life and of course they have died but somehow that is easier to bear/understand. Does anyone worry about how their dcs will cope when they go through this? I find myself worrying at night and feeling so guilty that dd is an only child - I pray she meets someone who truly loves her who will be there for her.

Waiting - here here about getting back to normal! 'Normal' doesn't exist anymore, that's what is so tough.

ssd Tue 08-Jan-13 19:14:43

hi girls....yes maybe, I worry about my kids feeling like this when I go....BUT I've also tried to turn it around and thought, even if I went tonight (God forbid!!)I hope my kids would know I will always love them, no matter what, even if we dont say it tonight (although we always do!!), what I mean is, for those of us suffering from the "what if's" and "what I wish I could have said", our mums/dads knew we loved them, same as we knew they loved us, we just know this for sure, even if the last few times we seen them wasnt perfect/what we would wish for in hindsight...they knew we loved them, I'm sure of this.
Also I'd hate for my kids to suffer grief, I'd love them to remember me with a smile, not an ache...although us humans arent made that way, are we sad

I'm going to look out a poem that was said at mums funeral, it may give you all a little bit of comfort

xx

Yes you are right. No one can take away our love for our parents and their love for us. It just seems a long way away sometimes...

I think dad is struggling. February 20th is their year apart date. He is doing a lot of listening to You Tube songs from their past and he says they make him crysad Dad is such a stiff upper lip type of person - doesn't show emotion or talk about emotions, so this is very new for us all. I don't know how to help him, just ring regularly. i hate that we're 200 miles away and he wont come and stay...

hope your dad is okay maybe , i worry about mums husband alot. we live in the same town but we havent seen him since before christmas i think he finds it too hard. I hate to think mum wouldnt want him to be lonely but then he seems to want to be left alone so what can you do.
Not having a good day today really just keep running over things, i wish i had my life back to how it was 6 months ago things seem so empty without her

Have got a busy week and can safely say i cant be bothered with any of it.

MovingOnNow Wed 09-Jan-13 14:44:52

HoneyKate. Hi, my dad died in December. It was a relief in many ways as he had dementia for 5 years and the last 3 months when he was in hospital were truly awful. I think I am coping quite well with his death in that I am finding it a relief to be able to get on with normal life and I have issues with my youngest child that I really need to concentrate, so his passing gave me the freedom to do just that and I am grateful to him for going when he did. But, yes, the memory thing. I met a friend for coffee this morning, realised I had left purse in my car and then went back to get it and realised I had left my keys in the loos in M&S so then had to go back in there and they were on the floor of the cubicle! Luckily for me I am a sahm, well I do work a bit from home, but I don't have to put a front on for anyone. I think it would be awful being with people all day asking me how I am. I'm sure it's all part of the process. I have felt no sense of presence of my dad in my own home, apart from one experience the night he died, but I did feel it at their bungalow the first few times I visited my mum after he had died. Though when I go there now, I just feel a strong sense of him being gone and that is very hard, the physical non existence of him is very strange and I had 3 months of getting my head round the likelihood that he would die. If it was an unexpected shock it must be very hard indeed. I also had overwhelming tiredness before and after he died but I am finding this is starting to lift a bit now, which is a relief.

t875 Thu 10-Jan-13 11:53:52

Hi everyone

waiting i was blessing you doing the memory box, although if chinning helps (i know it would me with a few people) then bless us! grin

And thanks Waiting, was one of them days, had to give myself a serious kick up the backside before the cyclone got me again! Here for you too anytime too.

The what ifs are awful and i have to shut off a lot from them, my rl friends have been great, but its so hard as she wasnt ill barring a cough and bad cold so I still cant believe it on and off I think.

Hope everyone is not doing too bad. Busy looking for work here as my contract finished before christmas.

Thinking of everyone xx

hehe smile That made me laugh, glad it did you aswell. I think people dont know what to say so say the first thing they can think of which sometimes isnt always the best thing. Hope your doing okay now. We still havent heard about the inquest and the what ifs are really bugging me too.

mummylin Thu 10-Jan-13 14:28:07

just a quick post from my old pc . thinking of you all but wont be using new one anytime soon.i bloody hate it and already things have gone to pot !! my brother has suggested i get a shop to take of windows 8 and have xp installed on new one which i am just about to phone and ask if its possible.Not doing a lot for my temper.have you ever wanted to kick an inaminate thing !!! Not been doing too bad last few days ,but i have been very busy so has kep my mind occupied.happier days are ahead for us all , i just dont know when though xx

HoneyKate Thu 10-Jan-13 16:11:57

I'm definitely finding comfort in reading your posts, so thank you all.
Maybeyoushoulddrive - I am totally with you there re worrying about how our children will cope when it's our time to go. I have been thinking about that a lot and vehemently hoping they find kind and loving partners who will give them all the support they need. Knowing how I feel about no longer having a safety net, I can't bear to think of them not having one.
I found this Walter Scott quote which I like a lot -
“Love rules the court, the camp, the grove, and men below, and the saints above, for love is heaven, and heaven is love. ”
I'm feeling that I still have mum's love even though she's no longer here, because love will always remain.
I had a better day today, a bit more eloquent in today's meeting I think! I'm also trying to make sure each weekend that we do something nice and that weekend family time is not completely eaten up with chores, errands and cooking. I hope you all have a good few days. x

ssd Thu 10-Jan-13 21:32:05

honey, I feel the same, lost without a safety net...I'm glad you feel you still have your mums love, this is a nice feeling to have...and I'm glad you had a better day

here's to better days for all of us xxx

BiscuitsandBaileys Fri 11-Jan-13 09:20:39

Today is one year since my lovely mum died. I honestly don't know where the year has gone, how can it be a year since we last saw her?
We are going to the crem later to lay some flowers. I'm feeling very down, I struggled to get to sleep last night, just going over and over things in my head.
Love you always mum xx
sad

t875 Fri 11-Jan-13 12:56:40

Oh Biscuits thinking of you today, i am not looking forward to that day in april or any part of april i just want to hibernate. Do something today that you know your mum would have loved you to do for yourself or what food she liked to eat with you and light a candle for her hun. My mum her signicture was either a steak meal or fish and chips, we had it on her birthday in memory last year, so were going to do the same on her anniversary.

sending you hugs xx

Honey - Thats nice you feel the your mums love, i also feel this too and I strongly believe she is around me and still is my mum but not in the physical sense which I have to deal with which is very hard, but the comfort of believing she is with me is a comfort.

wating - Will you have to wait much longer with the inquest? The what ifs for me I have gone over and over and really we couldnt have done anything more different, now my dad could have maybe pushed her on some things, but she only literely had a cough and bad back, now I did say to my dad for her to have a pump possibly to help her with her cough but he was like oh she doesnt need one of them, but in his defense i guess he didnt need too as nothing was in our face wrong with her. Oh well, i guess I just shut it out the best i can, not easy at times though.

ssd -Hope today is going better for you and here if you need me.

mummylin - Hope you get your computer sorted out were here anytime. Hope your ok and think of you even when you cant get here.

Hope everyone who is on this thread or just reading are going along their day ok. Thinking of you all and hug if needed x

mummylin Fri 11-Jan-13 16:56:29

hello !!! first post from new comp ,page is not quite right and I cant sort out the email at all, but at least I can post. But I still have old one to fall back on.! biscuits thinking of you today. Its all so very sad isn't it. Wow I just found out I have a spell check on here ! My mum would be thinking im quite clever to even get this far.But she would also know how cross I get when I cant do what I want to do. I have inherited a lot from her, but not her more placid nature, I tend to fly off the handle and if im honest two days ago I could of kicked this new comp out of the window. Poor dh thought he was doing something nice for me but I hate hate hate it .thinking of you all in your sadness and I am glad that I can at least keep in touch xx

Well done mummylin! Keep with it - you may find you like it as you get used to it's possibilities. I don't think that I'm very like Mum at all - more like my Dad in fact <not sure that's a good thing!>

biscuits hope you're managing to get through this very sad anniversary. Thinking of you and not looking forward to being in the same position in February sad

HoneyKate your Walter Scott quotation is lovely, really apt. Thank you for sharing it. Glad you feel your Mum's love close - very precious feelings.

Hi everyone else - must go and cook some tea for dh who is raiding the cupboard for snacks!

mummylin Sat 12-Jan-13 22:47:45

Now back to using my old one .I have had to wipe everything off other one as i just cant get it right,even with the book my brother bought me.Given up for now.will try again another time. Hope you are all dpoing ok on this miserable weekend .I want to go to the cemetery tomorrow to take mum some new flowers but if its like today it will be teeming with rain,but i will still go.I feel she will know if i dont put new flowers somehow.And also i made my promise to look after my sisters so i have got to do that rain or not.take care all x

Galaxymum Sun 13-Jan-13 20:08:05

Hello everyone. I have been thinking of you all - sorry to see we have new posters but welcome to you too.

Just wanted to say I had one of those odd but warm moments (big moment) this week. My car broke down on Tuesday and the garage said it would cost over £500. I decided it finally wasn't worth spending more and decided to trade it in. So manic week of finding a different car and then I went for the cheque on Friday. I've been waiting for months for mum's estate to be sorted with the probate taking forever. Anyway I said to the cashier as she printed the cheque "Can you just check if my mum's money has been transferred?" She said it had JUST come through. I immediately thought good on you Mum! She'd have definitely wanted her cash to pay for my car that gives me my independence. It was definitely fate. Just felt so right. We'd been saying all November and December it's so long..... then it really did arrive at just the right time.

I'm going to put my mum's poems together to make a book in her memory. That is going to be my creative project this year.

BiscuitsandBaileys Mon 14-Jan-13 11:18:08

Thank you t875, mummylin and maybeyoushoulddrive for your thoughts on Friday. The day wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Fridays are one of the days I work so I was glad to be busy.
t875 I took your advice and lit a candle for mum in a gorgeous angel tea light holder someone brought for me, thanks for the idea. We were going to take my dad out for a drink but he wasn't feeling up to it, so we went round to him instead and spent the evening there.

Galaxymum, that's great you got your car sorted, and the money arriving just on time is one of those signs that your mum is still there for you. Good luck with the book smile

mummylin- hope you made it to the cemetery yesterday without getting wet.

Take care everyone xxx

mummylin Mon 14-Jan-13 14:12:20

yes i did make it to the crem and it was a lovely sunny day ,but cold.Felt very sad for an unknown family who have had their loved ones grave dug right in front of my mums. I am not happy with my dh at all at the moment so we had a row lat night and lots of things were said,including how i felt i didnt get the support i needed after my mums death,he said that i cant be sad forever and have to move on.that shows how he has no idea how grief stricken i was and how upset i still am.He is not in my good books at all today !

HoneyKate Mon 14-Jan-13 16:13:03

mummylin - sorry to hear you and your DH fell out. I find myself having to bite my tongue a bit more these days. Has your DH lost either of his parents? I guess it is impossible to really understand unless you are sadly in the same position. And of course every person's grief is different. Don't feel pressured to "get over it". Try not to fall out with him as that will only make you feel even more miserable and lonely. Maybe try and explain that you probably won't ever "get over it" but you are trying to find a way to live with it. My siblings seem to have moved on already but I am a very different character to them.

We all need to take good care of ourselves and be happy when we have good days, or at least a day where we don't cry...much. Every time I cry my DH asks me "what's wrong"? - it's weird but he genuinely doesn't know. I feel like shouting "why the hell do you think I'm crying???" but it would cause a row and I don't want that. So each time I just bite my tongue and tell him that I feel really sad and just leave it at that. He says "oh...yes" like he'd kind of forgotten there is a reason....

My DD had some good news this week which I so desperately wanted to share with mum. And I had to stop myself buying her something in a shop which I knew she'd love, I went to pick it up with an "oh mum would love this...." (sigh).

Hugs to all of you - I hope the weather doesn't cause you problems or thwart your plans this week.

ssd Mon 14-Jan-13 20:55:36

hi again girls

its interesting to read how our partners can be, I'm finding others reactions or rather lack of them to be upsetting, I mean how others seem to forget we've lost our parents and mention things that really upset us

a woman I work with today was telling me about how her MIL is in hospital and how upset her dh is..now I'm very sympathetic to anyone in hospital, but this woman kept going on about how upset her dh is to see his mum in hospital for the first time, how hard it is for him...the woman and her dh are older than me and dh, both still have their parents, both dh and I have now lost ours...she was saying stuff like "its so upsetting to realize your mum can get ill one day", eventually I couldn't help myself I said, "can you imagine how hard it is to see your mum dead, and your dad dead 14 years before", I couldn't help it, she just said "mm" then kept on about how her MIL is....she is a nice enough woman, but very self absorbed, she manages to upset me most days I work with her, she just has no empathy to anything she hasn't experienced

I feel very out of time with others my age, most everyone I know has 2 parents or at least one parent alive, having none makes me feel an oddball, I feel no one I speak to gets the bereft feeling I carry about all the time, I cared for my mum for years as she was elderly then seen her pass away, same as my dad 14 years ago, whereas everyone I know still has parents alive and involved, not even at the elderly stage my mum was at for years before she died

sorry for the moan, but if I don't moan here I try to tell dh and we end up falling out like mummylin and her dh, as usually he doesn't get it either

mummylin Mon 14-Jan-13 22:49:19

Dh has lost both his parents and to be honest once the funerals were over , he just carried on as normal.But I am not like that and I find his lack of empathy appalling and very upsetting.My dh also asks me why im upset sometimes.For gods sake ,do you have to bloody well ask ! he knows I am broken hearted and will never recover completely from mums death.But he is more concerned with telling me the latest news from footi or something like that.Can you tell he is not in my good books at all at the moment.

mummylin Mon 14-Jan-13 22:50:44

The trouble is I am not someone who can bite their tongue.I just have to say whatever im thinking. So I did !

ssd Tue 15-Jan-13 08:22:51

my dh and ds's are football obsessives too, drives me mad.....I used to go out to my mums to get away from them, now I'm stuck here all the time!

hope you all have a better day, today I'm not working with the woman I told you about in my last posts thank god

BiscuitsandBaileys Tue 15-Jan-13 09:42:13

I'm glad you don't have to work with her every day ssd, hope today is better for you.

I think people just don't know how it feels to lose a parent, and maybe I would have been the same once, but some of the things people say leave me open mouthed at their insensitivity. I remember about two months after mum died someone at work did something to help me out, and said "oooh I'm like your surrogate mum" I just did a weak smile and cursed her in my head!

Hope today is also better for you mummylin.

xx

I suck at cursing people in my head I usually just do it then feel badgrin people don't mean to be insensitive I think they just can't help it and saying something bad is almost as bad as saying nothing which is what my "friends" went for

BiscuitsandBaileys Tue 15-Jan-13 11:05:07

Good for you waitingforastartofall grin I sometimes wish I could say things out loud but I'm a people pleaser!

I used to be, and im still not as honest and foward as id like to be but im certainly getting better. its a slow process keep at it!

t875 Tue 15-Jan-13 19:35:12

Mummylin - Me and hubby have them moments too i think you have to say how you feel and i hope he realizes that he has been unfair they can be so non understanding sometimes, i know as I've had the same not in relation to my mum but his selfishness is unbelievable! But we have turned that corner and talk a lot more and make sure we listen to each other. But I do know what you mean!

ssd - How insensitive of that woman, hope she thinks twice before not thinking, i have found a lot of people that have just spoke about their mums and going out with them, i just say " what i would give for that" and they are like oh sorry i didn't think..!

I have definitely toughened up since my mum, i guess my tolerance for prats and selfish people isn't there anymore. I only bother with people that make the effort with me and ive realized there is 2 very good friends who i feel very comfortable with to talk about my mum.

Biscuits - Glad the day went as good as it could be for you, i bet your mum loved what you did. Was thinking of you. I am seriously dreading April for my mums anniversary.

Waiting - Yeah I had friends like that with the saying 'nothing' sometimes that was harder, still i wont be there for them friends as much as ive always been. Certainly seen through them people!

xx

mummylin Thu 17-Jan-13 11:18:26

just checking in to see how everyone else is.Are you all snowed in ?.We have had none here but on one hand want it to snow tomorrow ,on the other hand my brother has to fly into heathrow so don't want the disruptions there.But it will also remind me of when we did have a lot of snow and ice in 2010,i was so paranoid that my mum would fall over ,we went and got her from her house to stay with us until it had gone.If it snows tomorrow as forecast I will think of it as a soft blanket covering my mum,i cannot think of it any other way.I do hope you are all finding things a bit easier each day,but it does seem that for most of us on this thread,we were all very close to our lost parent/s and so I suppose its inevitable that the grief will hit us worst,in turn taking longer to accept how our lives now are.We will all get there eventually,in fact this week I saw on the tele something that made me smile. It was an advert where the mum cleaned her sons face with her hanky.I remember my mum doing that to us and how much we all hated it !! But I actually did have a little smile about it.

Just been stopped on the town and asked how mum is. It kills me when people do that. I try to be nice because their only asking but it hurts so much having to talk about it again and explain what happened.
I am doing okay but piling all my energy into the house. Never been so tidy!. It is due to snow here tonight and tomorrow i am seriously hoping the children get the day off but i highly doubt thatll happen. I am about to try and attempt chocolate crunch like we had in school dinners. Mum was helping me find the perfect recipe so i suppose its up to me now!

mummylin Thu 17-Jan-13 15:53:15

I love snow but we hardly ever get any .but I want to go and meet my brother from heathrow tomorrow so hope there are no flight disruptions !!! but I also want to wear my snow boots I had for xmas in 2010 and have not had any snow since then !!!

mummylin Fri 18-Jan-13 12:58:40

My brother is stranded in Madrid.His flight from there has been cancelled after he has already endured two flights from Columbia.I am sure he will be fed up.

t875 Fri 18-Jan-13 16:59:54

Oh blimey Mummylin thats not good, i remember when my brother was stranded in spain, when is his flight going to be?

We have had a flurrying here but nothing special, although im sure in the morning could be a different story, we shall see.

I still buy things for my mum, if I see it and think oh mum will like that i get it for the girls or myself or it will go on her shelf.
having a downer to day and missing my mum loads, I go along a fair while now but then it hits on me like a weight and i really miss talking to her and sharing whats been happening, hubby annoyed me and i know i cant tell my dad as he will make me worse as he gets annoyed with hubby, but my mum would have been like ooh your sort it, and breeze through and it was just great to have her advise, and I miss that at the moment.

Think I might write my diary again to my mum.
Hope things are better with hubby mummylin

Hi to everyone on the thread, hope your days are going along as good as they can do xx

yesterday was a disaster from start to finish the school couldnt get organised on if they were closing so we ended up back and too and were all back home by eleven. kids were excited for the snow but behavior was shocking by teatime so they went to bed early unfortunately the arguing seems to have continued this morning, they could argue in an empty roomgrin wish I could get up to cemetery but its so snowy and there Is no footpath so hope it melts soon

ssd Sat 19-Jan-13 09:26:53

hi girls

y'day was a real down day for me too, I thought I was doing well but y'day I really struggled and it has shook me up. I just wanted to go to my hometown and visit mum, and have a cup of tea and take her a run, same as I've done on a Friday for years and years. The fact I cant now just floors me. I'm ok if I keep busy, but sometimes you haven't anything to keep busy with and the overwhelming longing just hits you like a weight, as t875 says, you said it spot on. I phoned a friends mum and spoke to her yesterday, she still lives in my hometown and I was desperate for her to say "come over for a cup of tea" but she was going shopping and I felt a bit daft, I haven't visited her for years and I didn't want to say can I come and visit you as I want to go to (hometown) as I'm missing mum. Just felt a bit daft and very desperate. I thought I'd just drive over myself but on the way I got a really sore head and I just didn't go. I don't think it would have helped, driving around there myself with no one to visit is just too sad. Its just the place is so familiar, I've been going there 40 odd years and now don't and I'm missing going so much, but of course what I'm missing is visiting mum <sigh>..and there's nothing there to do if I'm not visiting her, its just a small place

its just all so hard isn't it

mummylin, I hope your db gets here safely soon and you get on better with dh!! my dh has been quite nice recently, I've been having really sore heads lately and he's been ok to me, thank god!!

t875, I get what you're saying...I'm not getting any relief from anything just now, nothing is bringing me any comfort, just feel really low, I hope buying things for your mums shelf helps, I have a shelf now too but I haven't bought anything for it, I wanted to buy myself some M&S flowers y'day but just couldn't...maybe I'll buy things again but just not yet

waiting, the kids fighting really doesn't help does it!! can I ask, do you feel closer to your mum when you visit the cemetery? I need to find a way to feel a bit closer to my mum again

hope things improve for us all girls xxx

a little, sorry of that's not what you want to hear. if its quiet there and I can just sit on the bench nearby but I usually go with others. I think in summer when the bulbs are out and I can sit on the bench with my music on I will feel more at peace with being there. right now its raw but yes being there must help as I do feel calmer when I come away.

mummylin Sat 19-Jan-13 13:41:15

I too feel happier when I go to take new flowers for my mum,i usually have a little word with her [ I hope she hears me ] and I usually think how happy mum would be to know that she has flowers and a visitor.
yesterday was a nightmare.My brother had two planes cancelled but was finally put on another one which was to leave Madrid about 4 pm.when we knew he was actually on board ,my other brother and I left here to travel to heathrow arriving there about 6 pm.His plane landed at 6.35.We just happened to be talking to a lady who said her son had landed at three but was still on the plane as there were not enough gates for all the planes on the runway.then got a text from brother to say they had to wait on plane for 40 mins ,this passed and the next text said another hour and half to wait on the plane.No info was coming from the airport. Eventually my brother came through about 10pm and I finally got home at 12.50 Am !! my poor brother was shattered,he had already had two flights ,one of which was ten hours ,then another ten hours wait in Madrid,then all the hassle at heathrow.All the trouble he had to get on a plane ,then they wouldn't let anyone off.It was chaos,so many people arriving and not having their connecting flights ,the q for them to book into a hotel was enormous and lots of people had ten pound food vouchers !!Then to cap it all off when we got to the car park my other brother had lost the damn parking ticket ! it was a nightmare all round.For the people with children it was horrendous.dh now gone to do the food shop as he knows I am worn out from yesterday !

ssd Sun 20-Jan-13 18:23:11

my mum was cremated and we scattered her ashes where we scattered dads ashes 14 years previous. i also used to take my mum there for a drive out on sundays, and visited there all during growing up but I dont feel going there now brings me comfort...maybe its just still too raw, hopefully one day it will.

am working tomorrow with the woman who loves to tell me what she's been doing this week with her mum and how her MIL is....great

have felt pretty low this weekend, worse than I've felt for a while, I read somewhere that grief and loss can be worse 6-8 months after a death, think this is how I'm feeling, like its really real and sunk in now and I cant feel any comfort from mum or dad now, although mum died 4 and a half months ago, just feels like a whole other lifetime

ssd Sun 20-Jan-13 18:31:15

also the lack of empathy shown from some people is just astonishing isnt it

I have a relative who I thought I was very close to, she lives abroad and hasnt asked me how I am for months...send cheery xmas cards like everythings great, messages on fb " hope you are having a good day" 3 weeks after mum died...sorry???...messaged me yesterday after I contacted her first saying " xmas must have been hard for you", yeah and where were you, xmas was 4 weeks ago??? I know one thing, when its her time and her mum and dad die I wont be giving her a shoulder, I'll send a card and then ignore her, just like shes done to me....and I know people dont know what its like if they have never experienced it but a 48 yr old woman must have a tiny inkling you'd be hurting after losing the last of your parents, its not rocket science is it.

mummylin Mon 21-Jan-13 13:10:04

I agree with you ssd others have no idea how bloody painful and gut wrenching it is unless they have actually gone through it.My poor friend is interring her brothers ashes today,if you remember he died suddenly in November.She was getting a bit worried that the bad weather would delay this ,but hopefully it will be able to of taken place this morning.I still get this awful horrible feeling inside when I return to the morning she died.I still like most of you I suspect keep going back to that terrible time.I still go over questions I don't know the answers to and probably never will.|My poor mum ,not an inkling what was going to happen in a few hours time when I left her on the sat evening.She was looking forward to watching downton abbey the next night and was worried because they had not given her a breakfast menu !! I will never ever get over her loss and at the moment I still cannot accept her death and her not being here.But I also know she would not want us to be sad, but I cant stop these feelings.

HoneyKate Mon 21-Jan-13 14:21:33

Hope all of you on this thread are doing ok.

Had a horrendous weekend, too many dark thoughts about life (or lack of it) after death, sleeplessness and then bad dreams when I did manage to finally drop off. The rest of my family seem to be completely back to normal and act as if nothing has happened. It's a month today since mum's funeral and six weeks since she died. And yet, when the phone rings, I still find myself thinking for a split second, oh maybe that's mum.....I feel such a desperate need to talk to her.

My family think it's odd I still cry, it's like an un-said "here she goes again" look they exchange. But then I'm crying at polar bear cubs on the telly, so perhaps they're right.

I can't even begin to talk about how upsetting it has been sorting through her things, seeing other family members just throwing stuff around like her life never meant anything. All of her things are gone now, I have no idea who has what although a lot was disposed of before I had the chance to see. When I asked for a couple of things in particular I was told they had already been collected by a charity. Beyond awful.

And don't even get me started on how many "friends" I haven't heard from other than a condolence card six weeks ago although my DH says they are probably keeping their distance and waiting for me to indicate that I am "ready" to start socialising again. Is that how friends react? I have always followed up condolence cards with regular phone calls and emails and certainly wouldn't leave it this long before suggesting meeting for coffee or something.....

honey It seems to be the done thing to just say your condolences and then leave us be, I think its just a really lazy and selfish way to behave so i havent bothered to get in touch with the friends who have done that. I have not seen a single one of my friends since late october, but if thats how they want to behave just because they are too scared to speak to me then im not going to get in touch. Christmas and new year have been hard enough and doing it with no support from people i thought were friends has really hurt me. Maybe you can be the bigger person and try to make contact. Everyone has gone back to what they do but i dont really have anything to go back to. I would like to go back to work but financially we would be even worse off that we are now so that wont be happening for the time being but it is so boring without my mum, i was always there every day, i miss her so much

ssd Mon 21-Jan-13 17:45:00

honey, I'm sorry but what you wrote is exactly what I'm feeling, and mummylin's post, I am nodding in agreement with you both

and waiting, I'm sorry your friends have been so awful, I must admit I've sort of bombarded my friends with texts and calls since mum died, I feel apart from dh and the kids I have absolutely no one now and I've been contacting people I haven't spoke to in ages, just for an ear to bend to take my mind off my situation....but certain folk that I feel I shouldnt need to contact, like my siblings and relative abroad, I've been waiting for them to contact me and its never came

I feel on top of the hurt I feel losing my mum I'm really hurting for the lack of thought shown to me by people I thought cared for me the same way I cared for them (note the use of the past tense, not anymore)

jaffacake2 Mon 21-Jan-13 17:54:46

Hi can I just join the thread.
My dear old mum died in hospital last sunday. She had been having a series of falls in december and then eventually was admitted new years eve.Deteriorated and died in her sleep.
Afew hours after her death I had taken my eyes off what I was eating and had an anaphylactic reaction to a cake which someone had bought us which must have had traces of nuts in it.So i ended up in resus where my mum was still in the mortuary.My daughters thought they were about to lose their mum and nana in same day.
Have just been to the drs to be signed off work this week,cant cope emotionally or physically.
Funeral has been delayed for 7 weeks as my brother and wife have taken themselves off to NZ for a long holiday and wont let me have the funeral till they get back.
Feel grim.

Sorry you are having to join us jaffa but hope you get some support from being here. It sounds like you have had an awful few weeks, be kind to yourself and take things as you can. Sorry about having to wait so long for the funeral that is very hard. thinking of you

ssd Mon 21-Jan-13 20:01:11

oh jaffa, am so very sorry, how awful for you to deal with. please keep posting here, we'll support you.x

jaffacake2 Mon 21-Jan-13 21:03:36

ssd thank you
I wondered what other people think of my brother delaying the funeral for 7 weeks whilst hes on holiday ?
I am upset about it but have arranged with our vicar to have a short blessing for her at the weekend so that her soul can be released and that we can try and say goodbye. Im not a greatly religious person but feel that there should be a religious element at the time near death. guess thats what funerals are for,but not usually at such a time lapse.

ssd Tue 22-Jan-13 08:58:34

jaffa, I think its absolute shite but it doesnt surprise me, sadly. When my mum died my sister was going on holiday with my neice and they asked for the funeral to be a week later to fit in with their flights, even though it cost nothing to change them. My sister flew here for the funeral and flew back to her holiday home she owns straight away. I cleared mums house alone and found it totally awful to do, my sister said she'd help when her holiday was finished, I told her not to bother, the council needed the keys back before then.

I'm sorry to say its true weddings and funerals seem to bring out the worst and the best in folk. My brother came to help straight away, my sister suited herself and stayed one day.

Your brother is being totally selfish and not thinking at all of how a 7 week wait is hurting you, he's just thinkin of what he feels. Sadly as I know its not unusual. I'm sorry. and apart from anything else, how the hell can they have their holiday knowing their mum is waiting to be buried? To me its inhuman, to them its just what suits them. Is you dad still alive, what does he think?

xx

jaffacake2 Tue 22-Jan-13 09:09:13

No my dad died 2005 shortly after my younger brother died from brain cancer in 2004. so I am on my own with this.My daughters are amazing aged 20 and 29yr and my brothers widow is supportive.She is coming with my nephews to our blessing on saturday so am hoping that will help us all.
I am going to the undertakers later to make some decisions about coffin etc.
It is good to hear other peoples opinions because it was presented to me how selfish I was being and not considering the expense of their holiday !

BiscuitsandBaileys Tue 22-Jan-13 09:57:24

Don't even know how to put this into words.
On Saturday, one year and eight days after my lovely mum died, my darling dad passed away. He was so brave, but the bastard cancer took over. I was with him, for which I'll always be grateful for. It's weird though, I have barely cried since Saturday, I feel so, so sad for him, so why no tears?
Miss you always mum and dad, you were the best xxxxxxxx

jaffacake2 Tue 22-Jan-13 10:09:27

Biscuit,I am so sorry for you. Tears will come when they are ready.Sadly when my brother was dying from cancer I grieved for him before his death. Then when he died I didnt cry until the funeral. Somehow you go into shock after death,like a shutdown.All body reactions seem to be paralysed whilst your mind tries to deal with the enormity that you have lost a person who was such a presence in your life.
Be kind to yourself at this time.

BiscuitsandBaileys Tue 22-Jan-13 10:53:41

jaffacake2, thank you for your kind words. I too am sorry for your loss.
I think I just have my practical head on, his death has been referred to the coroners office so I've had lots of phone calls from them, doctors etc. It just feels wrong to be doing ok as he was so loved and a huge part of my life.

mummylin Tue 22-Jan-13 12:46:29

Oh biscuit I am so sorry that you have yet more grief to deal with when still dealing with the loss of your mum.What a terrible time for you yet again.you know it goes without saying that we are all here for you.
Jaffa sorry too that you have had to join this thread,but we will be as supportive as we can to .I think its terrible that you are expected to wait all those weeks until you can lay your mum to rest.I had a friend who flew to South Africa the day before her own mums funeral.I could never ever of done that and I think its incredibly bloody selfish. holidays can be taken at any time and in my mind its very very disrespectful and very hurtful for you.

jaffacake2 Tue 22-Jan-13 13:18:37

can I just ask something ?
The funeral director is coming to my home later to discuss the arrangements my brother has made for my mums funeral at end of feb due to him going on extended holiday to NZ for 7 weeks just after mums death.
Do you think it would be ok to change anything he wanted ?
I am not into expensive coffin extra cars etc. My mum was a lovely down to earth lady,part of the Salvation army when she was younger.We discussed the songs she wanted at the service before she died and donations in lieu of flowers to Salvation army.
Dont know what my brother has arranged.But I have had enough of giving in to his demands.
Would the funeral director push for what my brother wanted ?
Getting myself upset and angry about it all

mummylin Tue 22-Jan-13 13:31:28

did your mum give you any indication of what she would like done at her funeral ? And if you have been left to sort everything out then I feel you would be perfectly within your rights to do as you see fit. You are seeing the funeral director.they are not.Good luck with it all.

ssd Tue 22-Jan-13 15:56:42

jaffa, I think you must do what your heart tells you. Its obvious you are doing this with your mums wishes in mind and you brother is doing his things with his best interests at heart. I agree with mummylin in that I think its very disrespectful to put a holiday first, I felt this way with my family. Can you remember what your mum wanted? I think you should follow her wishes if you can, and her beliefs, eg. how much money you would have spent if she was here to have a say. I know my mum would be turning in her grave at the amount her funeral cost, she would have wanted us (me) to have spent that amount on a holiday abroad, we never go abroad and she kept offering me money to go, I didn't organize her funeral as I just couldn't, so I'm not complaining at the expense, but I don know mum wouldn't have wanted all that spent.

biscuits, I'm so very sorry. Just do what you can, the tears will come when you're ready. Am thinking of you.

and to everyone, I'm sorry about the swearing earlier, I think I have a lot of anger issues over all this.

Galaxymum Tue 22-Jan-13 19:43:46

Hi jaffa and biscuits. So sorry for both of you. I'm not shocked reading how thoughtless and uncaring people are. I haven't been on here for a while but I've felt overwhelmed with emotions lately. I had my 1st birthday without mum on Friday. It was awful. I miss her so much and am back to just bursting into tears.

Having read about siblings wanting to put off a funeral for a holiday I feel my isssues are minor. I just feel pressured into getting mums house on market. PIL are painting house and have infringed my privacy. borrowing mums things and asking for stuff. I just feel it is vulturish. I feel a lot of anger atm and things are not fair.

I agree and see many of you experiencing lack of empathy like youre meant to have moved on. But every day is not the same. I no longer have a mum or dad and I cant get used to it.

mummylin Tue 22-Jan-13 21:29:26

Galaxymum I Am shocked to see what you said about your pil asking for your mums stuff. I know what i would of told them. How bloody rude is that ! Don't let anyone pressure you in to doing things quickly ,do it in your own time. I feel so angry on your behalf. Unless you have a deadline for getting on and selling the house etc. I would do things as and when you feel like it.

jaffacake2 Tue 22-Jan-13 21:44:20

The meeting with the funeral director went very well,he was a lovely caring person who came to my house and we chatted about mums wishes.Poor chap he also had to hear my anger at my brother but seemed to accept why i feel upset.
i am hoping that our little blessing on saturday will help all our grief by acknowledging what a wonderful person she was and sending prayers on her journey to God.
thank you for all your support x

mummylin Tue 22-Jan-13 22:34:52

Glad to see your meeting with the funeral people went ok.Did you have to change anything ? We didn't have them come here but we did have the hospital chaplain. I opened my front door and said " oh my god " he was 6ft 8 and almost as wide. I am only 5ft 2 so you can imagine what we looked like standing next to each other, that actually did cause us all to a little chuckle. To get up off of my settee he had to sort of slide down till his knees touched the floor then get himself stood up. But he was the nicest man you have ever met. We had him the week after the funeral as well when we buried mums ashes. He was a very sympathetic man and made us feel everything would go well. I hope that you too have the same sort of service. It doesn't make you feel happier ,but gives you something less to worry about when you know that good people are dealing with your loss. I feel sorry that you have to wait so long to be able to bury your mum, the waiting will be awful and so drawn out. I really don't know what your brother is thinking, and how can he possible enjoy a holiday right now. Do carry on posting here for some support.
biscuits I hope you have got through today as well as you can,im hoping that you have family around to support you at this terrible time. How sad to lose mum and dad so close together. Thinking of you.

BiscuitsandBaileys Wed 23-Jan-13 10:00:28

Thank you ssd and galaxymum.

jaffacake2- I'm glad the meeting with the funeral director went well. I think you have every right to rant about your brother, and I agree with mummylin, how can he be enjoying a holiday right now? Hope you are ok today.

mummylin- I was fine yesterday and still feel ok today. I don't know why I feel fine though, I just feel sad and so, so tired but no tears. But that's not like me at all, I'm usually an emotional wreck that cries at anything! I must come across as having a heart of stone. I do have support thank you, I'm very close to my sister, both distance and friendship wise and my dh has been fab. He was very close to my dad and they had a great relationship. He said last night he's worried about me, but I think I'm just in coping mode.

Thanks for your support, it means a lot xx

HoneyKate Wed 23-Jan-13 10:38:44

Biscuits and Jaffa - I'm so very sorry for you both and know just how you are feeling. Take things a day at a time and don't push yourselves to do too much. You need to take time to look after your own health, both physical and mental. Take time to just sit and breathe, and remember your beloved parents. Both of you please feel free to express your sorrow and vent your spleen on this thread - you will receive a lot of empathy from the lovely people here who feel just as you do. This thread is proving a great comfort to me as well as a place where I can sound off a bit which means I don't take my emotions out on my loved ones at home quite so much.

Jaffa - I have no idea how your brother could enjoy a holiday after just losing his mum. He's obviously a very different personality to you. When we organised my mum's funeral we tried to keep costs down a bit. We chose a cheaper casket but spent more on beautiful flowers which almost covered the entire top of it - yellow roses and lilies - my mum's favourite. We had just one funeral car for immediate family (mum's 3 children and our partners). I insisted we book a "double slot" at the crematorium because I didn't want to feel rushed - I wanted everyone who wished to say something or include a prayer or poem to be able to do that without worrying whether there would be enough time. Everyone else was more than happy to use their own cars and we asked them to liaise amongst themselves who needed lifts and they were fine with doing this.

Sending hugs to all on this thread xx

mummylin Wed 23-Jan-13 15:10:40

We had nothing but good service from both funeral director and the chaplain.We knew what mum wanted ,she had it written in her will, even her hymn choices.We were satisfied when we discussed what we wanted with Fd that all would be ok ,the only thing I wanted to be different was the fact that usually at a funeral the family leave the chapel first,But I didn't want to do that,i wanted to remain by my mums coffin until the last person left.I just had to stand back until my siblings went out then I went and stood by my mum.At the last minute one of my brothers decided to stand there with me so we got to thank every single person there although I must of been incoherent because I could not stop sobbing.But somehow I felt a bit better because mum had someone there for a bit longer. It is such a sad day,one we never envisage having to do.But it does help when you get to do the things that you really want to and which you know your lost one would like.
biscuits i expect you have gone into an auto mode and possibly you are in disbelief all over again.I do feel very sad for you.lets hope that somewhere your parents have been reunited.

t875 Wed 23-Jan-13 18:24:06

Biscuits - I am so sorry to hear about your dad, my god you poor thing, I couldn't imagine what you are going through. We are here for you and be kind to yourself, take each day at time.

Jaffacake I cant believe its even an issue with your brother and his trip, although my brother brought up with my dad about their stupid holiday on the eve of my mum passing..tbh my brother and my dad had a blazing row my dad telling him what he thought of him and then we got a phone call an hour later telling us she had taken her last breath.

I cannot believe the callousness of some of the family members of the people here that have had family be selfish. My god, its unbelievable and just proves that family values aren't there more and more.

Sorry Ive not been around we are decorating our back room and the kids have been off because of the snow.

Thinking of you all and sending love and hugs to all that need one.

jaffacake2 Wed 23-Jan-13 19:10:45

Thanks for everyones comments I can now fully see my brother as the selfish bastard he really is.
I have been sorting out some of mums affairs today like bank accounts etc and find it a lonely sad time. Found out that mum had more money than I thought,which makes me sad that she couldnt enjoy it through her life. We had a very poor childhood,always short on money for the basics.She must have felt bad that she didnt have the money earlier in her life.
When do I have to apply for probate ? Is there a time limit ?

norkmonster Wed 23-Jan-13 21:50:43

Hello, can I join? I lost my dad in December. I thought I was getting on a bit better, but I had a dream last night that mum was in hospital with a brain tumour and dad was there, beside her, walking with her to radiotherapy. When I woke up I was glad it was a dream and mum didn't have a brain tumour, but also so sad that it was a dream and that I would never see him again. I've spent most of the day in tears. It feels like there's something tearing apart my chest from the inside. When does it get easier?

mummylin Wed 23-Jan-13 22:21:23

norkmonster sorry that you have cause to join us here,but hoping you will find us supportive.I am sorry to say that its not something that will leave you in just a few weeks,i am now nearly 15 months on from my mum dying and I can say that honestly I feel only a tiny bit better.of course we are not all the same and it may be different for you.Its a very lonely time and you will find that a lot of people will avoid talking about your loss,which most. of us found to be very upsetting, as though nothing had happened.Please don't feel alone ,we are all here at some time or other.
Jaffa I cant quite remember the order of things because it was all such a bloody jumble to me.My brother and I were executors,but to be perfectly honest if it hadn't been for my brother I wouldn't of had a clue.It seems that my mind has blanked an awful lot out about that side of things.My brother said sign and I signed ,he told me where we had to go ,took me there etc.I do remember we had to go to the solicitor to sign and read something out and I think that was for probate.I really cant recall it at all,its all so jumbled in my head.And if someone said how did we go about selling mums house ,I cant remember all that either !! My brother was bloody amazing actually.i hope that someone else will be able to tell you more about it.

ssd Wed 23-Jan-13 23:00:43

mummylin, totally agree with what you just posted there to norkmonster, it is a very lonely time and people just dont seem to want to mention the one person your desperate to talk about so you feel like they've forgotten that person and are ignoring your feelings.
norkmonster, I'm really sorry youve had to join in here, there a lot of us wondering when it gets easier too, you wont feel alone here
jaffa, glad the meeting with the funeral director went well and you'll notice not one of us here feels like your brother is in the right!! as t875 says family can be totally mindbogglingly selfish at times, and sometimes its at the very worst time in our lives and those who should be the closest to us just dont see it.
biscuits I'm glad your close to your sister, I think this will make all the difference to you and you'll grieve in your own way, but at least you arent grieving alone.

t875 Fri 25-Jan-13 10:58:47

Norkmaster - So very sorry to hear of your loss it really is absolutely horrendous and the pain is absolutely awful, I didnt actually think it would get easier but it has got a little better as times gone on. I still get bad times, times where the tears arent as much and then theres times where its like a dam has opened. There are times where i laugh about her and I share still in the memories of what she loved and still try to do the things she loved.
we are all different but i trully believe that she is still around me and given me signs and messages and she is with her mum and dad who are in spirit, thinking of the alternative just kills me, I take that comfort of believing she is still with me, but some days its not enough and I miss her like crazy.
take care and surround you with comforting people and look out for you and take each day at a time and I also when I had the bad days i phoned cruse 24 hour phone line and they were very helpful, i only phoned twice but it helped a lot.
hugs to you and thinking of you xx

Thinking of everyone on this thread hope you are well as can be {hugs}

Pheonixnights Fri 25-Jan-13 23:27:19

My wonderful dad died 4 weeks ago on Sunday, he was only 67 and died from heart failure. I feel like now the funeral is done and finished people expect me to feel over it. I'm far from feeling like that. My nan who is 91 has now been admitted to hospital with a water infection, I just don't know how much I can cope with. My mum has lost her husband and now they are talking palatve care for her mum. Why has life become so hard? I lost my grandad 15 months ago so I feel like my past is just slipping away and there is nothing I can do to change it. Christmas was so hard, it was the first time in my 34 years that we weren't all together and the knowing that our christmas will never be the same is just heartbreaking. I feel so sad that my dad won't see my children grow up, won't see them get married or even see them get their gcse results devastating. I feel so cross with all my friends with their trivial problem and bitter that I've lost my dad at a young age. I just want things to go back to the way they were 2 years ago sad

t875 Sat 26-Jan-13 14:36:27

oh ((((Phoenix nights)))) So sorry to hear of your loss of your dad, it is really wrenching and knocks you side ways. You have are still going through so much and I can imagine it must be so hard bless you. As I said to Norkmaster when I had bad days I found CRUSE helped me a lot just phoning their generic line, but i also have been going to see them too, ive had 2 sessions so far and its really been good. I hope you have a good supportive network around you who can support you and help you where needed. I hope your mum will be ok hun, really feel for you. I lost my mum to a massive stroke in her sleep which took her i believe that night but she stayed a breathing body but her not there for 6 days after, they told us she wasn't coming back to us.

Just want to let you know we are here for you and please come here to vent and chat about your dad and anything to help you. Be kind to yourself and surround yourself with people that will help you and not make you feel uncomfortable with your feelings.

Thinking of you and sending you hugs through this very hard time you are going through. x

t875 Sat 26-Jan-13 15:01:18

just thought i'd share i know we all don't go down this route.

But I went to see my Councillor today at cruse as i said above.

I felt my mum in the office with me with the lady today cant explain it I just do.. I had my session which helped and has done a lot.

well when we sat in traffic coming out of town to go home, a white small feather blew in front of our car between the one in front of us and literally landed on the floor as i drove past i saw it, and when i got home, i opened up the car door and there was a small white fluffy feather on the floor!! I don't even look for these signs anymore and they just happen. But my mum was massively into feathers herself when she was here and very spiritual...
Was lovely to know she possibly was there with me today and hopefully her hand on my shoulder x

mummylin Sat 26-Jan-13 16:48:41

Oh I do hope it was your mum t875I am sure that must of bought you some comfort.First of all hello Pheonixnight.Sorry beyond belief that there is yet another sad person that has joined this thread.All I can say is that I am sorry you are here but hope we can help you through these first awful weeks.Sorry also that your nan is poorly,why do people have to cope with so much at one time.
I had a sad thought yesterday,my aunt and uncle came round and was telling my niece about me as a baby ,when I realised my aunt is the only relation alive who knew me as a baby.It was a very sad thought indeed.
I find thease dark and miserable days don't help much either,roll on the springtime when all the flowers start to come back to life.I wish it was the same for people don't you ?

t875 Sat 26-Jan-13 17:32:41

oh Im with you mummylin I too cant wait for color in the garden and the flowers to grow and the lighter evenings and the sun to come out!! Here when it snows it doesn't go for a long time and its like a white blanket over everything which at the time is lovely and we have fun but after a few days i want to see the green grass and pavement! lol. And my god yes I wish it could be the same for people in the way the flowers come to life again.

I have a rose bush in my garden which has been there from when we were there and our old house, i transported it, god knows how..i swear the removal men thought id lost the plot with it in the back with the furniture grin
but anyways, im going to try and take a cutting of it and its going to be in a special tub for my mum, so that's the aim in the spring. xx

Hi all just checking it to see how you are all doing. Not had a brilliant week am missing her so much. There's so many things I need her help with and I can't go to her anymore. Ive been going to visit a friend of Mums who is lovely an its been nice to talk about her, hope she becomes a good friend. No word on the inquest yet so still playing on my mind. Have decidedwe are going to do like a nannas garden at home for dc to plant and have windmills ect as where mum is buried is woodland so only certain flowers allowed and no photos, mills or such.

t875 Sun 27-Jan-13 11:04:34

Ah waiting the little nannas garden is a lovely idea. I might even do it for my two! Sending you hugs and here if you ever need a chat. Pm or on the forum. Thinking of you too while you wait for the inquests verdict, must be very harrowing. I bet you could do with going away, I know I could we didn't get to go on holiday last year as I didn't want to leave my dad

Suns out thank god!! Snows gone and bring on spring
Love to all xxx

mummylin Sun 27-Jan-13 12:45:43

Nice and bright here today, I am going to go and see to the flowers at the cemetery later .I feel so much better when I have done it.Mum loved her flowers in life and so I will make sure she has them in death. I just have to wait for dh to get home from footi,then we can go ,I hope the rain doesn't come before that. I expect the new grave in front of my mum has now been filled. So many grieving families. I have sometimes thought that I wish I was a person who didn't care for others ,then I would not have to have this unbearable feeling of loss. But im not , so like the rest of you I have to carry on as best I can.But I love and miss her so much, its like a physical ache in my heart.

mummylin Sun 27-Jan-13 20:00:53

Went to the cemetery, but it was so cold I didn't stay very long, just long enough to see to the flowers. I was quite amazed that some from a couple of weeks ago were still looking fresh, this in spite of the rain ,snow etc.It felt very sad there today as there were so few people around ,usually there are quite a few seeing to their loved ones grave,but not today,i expect it was the weather put them off.But I am glad that I went.biscuits hope you are doing ok and coping as best you can.
Thinking of you all.x

ssd Mon 28-Jan-13 09:31:45

hi girls, and welcome to the new posters, I'm sorry you have joined in, but pleased to see you posting here, it'll help, trust me!!

Well I'm now started the process of closing mums bank account. I had closed everything else and now this is the last thing. Mum and dad had been with this bank for probably about 50 years and now I'm closing it down. Its just one more thing isnt it, losing both your parents feels like losing your past and your childhood graually till theres nothing left, except the odd things like the way you sometimes see your mum or dad in your kids as they are growing up.

But its not enough, I just want them here and I'm so sad they are both gone, its not fair.

BiscuitsandBaileys Mon 28-Jan-13 09:36:23

Thank you mummylin, I'm still doing fine, still no tears. I think I'm just in denial about my dad, and it feels like he's only gone on holiday or something. We have another couple of weeks to wait for the funeral as they are so busy, I guess it will hit home then.
Glad you went to the cemetery mummylin, it is nice to feel you have done something for your mum isn't it? Especially as you say yours loved flowers.
It's funny you say about how the flowers were still looking so fresh. We went to the crematorium on Saturday and there was still a blanket of snow on the ground. Dd2 noticed a tiny bit of pink by mums plaque, we brushed away the snow to find the bunch of pink carnations that we had put down over two weeks ago on the first anniversary of her death. They still looked new!

t875 I think it's lovely you feel you mum with you so much, it must be very comforting. I also see white feathers around, on the way to dd's school today there were two on the ground, side by side. I hope it's a sign.

Love and best wishes to all xx

mummylin Mon 28-Jan-13 10:37:41

ssd I found it very upsetting when my brother and I went to the bank. They actually cut mums card up in front of us and I just broke down and sobbed. The girl did apologise but I felt so hurt .It was as though my mum was nothing.I had forgotten that until you mentioned the bank.i hope you don't have this experience too.Its all horrible things that have to be done,but to be truthful I have said before its as though I did everything in a fog and my brother helped me so much.Everywhere I went I just cried.Horrible horrible time.good luck with it all x

t875 Mon 28-Jan-13 12:32:57

Yeah mummylin I know what you mean, it was such a horrible foggy time, i cried so much too, still do now from time to time, but it isn't as bad as the beginning. I smiled when you said about the flowers, who knows eh, that could have been a sign for you, you said she loved her flowers!! I have to say, none of mine have survived with the snow and all the rain, so that is strange your flowers and also biscuits carnations were looking good too. xx

Biscuits I believe wholeheartedly that that was a sign and for you to have two, it was one for you and one for your daughter. I do get comfort but then some days i find it all hard as she isn't here physically but I do take the comfort, i have also been watching colin fry and that really has reinforced my belief and for me..if i didn't believe she was around, thinking was gone and with no one it kills me all over again and actually i couldn't breath around the time I lost her, got very panicky and felt suffocated, so i think believing she was around spiritually has helped me, plus I am now picking up things myself, i get strong feelings, and I feel when she is around, ive always had gut feelings and been spiritual before my mum and me and her did have that connection and she knew about feathers too as we spoke about them a lot and she also had wish stones. But I miss her madly though for a good ol natter and hugs. Sending love to you, its all very hard and were here for you xx

Ssd I cant imagine closing accounts. Bless you and sending you strength and and hugs. So hard, shame we cant do these things over the phone isn't it, would be so much easier or they could come to your house. You have had so much to deal with on your own, i really feel for you. {{hugs}} xx

Hi to everyone else, I hope all who have visited this thread is ok, and we are here for you if you need us xx

Bugger my brain is fried lately, i have a question. Mum had a building society account with not much in but i was named on the account so i could put money in get out for her and so i could use it to save ( i never did!) but do i have to go and close that?
her husband has been dealing with everything else but my names joint on this accoun

Haven't posted for ages
Had an asking price offer on dad's house this morning. It had only been on the market 8 days.
I feel completely lost. It's strange that this should affect me more than anything else. But all my memories are there. Mum and dad bought it in 1962 when it was just a plot of land, and I have photo's of it from 2 bricks high to completed.
It needs completely redecorating and modernising, I was hoping to win the lottery so I could keep it! I'm pleased but gutted that it is finally going.
It's taken so many hours to clear it, I can't believe that they kept so much stuff. Every single childhood toy, photo, and a whole workshop full of valves, fuses, bulbs, tools, most of which have had to go to the dump.
I am being so silly, there are more important things in life, but today it hurts. sad

t875 Mon 28-Jan-13 13:14:51

youvecattobekittenme Although not nice circumstances its nice to hear from you. xx I cant imagine closing up my mum and dads house and and i had tears in my eyes when i read your post, bless you must be very hard.
is there a clock or a picture they had you can transfer to a room in your house? so its like you have taken a part of their house to yours? or even a bit of fence of wall, or part of the garden, a bush, or a plant you can get a cutting of??
I know not the same atall just an idea.

Thinking of you and we are here anytime for you. ((hugs))

is there a clock or a picture they had you can transfer to a room in your house? so its like you have taken a part of their house to yours

if only you could see how much stuff I have from the house in piles for sorting grin

Spookily dad gave us his car several years ago when he no longer felt safe driving. This morning was the first time it has ever let us down, it simply refused to start and Dh has had to buy a new starter motor.

mummylin Mon 28-Jan-13 14:18:24

kitten I know how you are feeling.We happened to be at my mums house when the estate agent came to put up the sold sign,he said to me " this is good isn't it" I was livid and very very upset.The day we went there for the last time was awful.I had taken various plants that were mums special and one of my brothers took the compost bin and I took the water butt to give to my daughter. Sadly she did not have a pipe to connect it to so I bought it home.A couple of days later we had a letter from the buyers solicitor asking where had the bin gone and that they wanted it back ! I refused as my mum had bought it so why should they have it ! then another letter followed saying the same thing and threatening to take legal action !!! I still refused but my brother went and bought them a new one and I kept mums.I was very annoyed as they had had about 7 thou knocked off the price in the first place.We had not realised that we had not ticked the right box to say we would be taking it,but even our solicitor was shocked by their greed.I have not been back to my mums road as its would just be too painful to see someone else coming out of her door.Even worse was the couple who lived next door to my mum who asked my brother for my mums bird bath.he said they could ,but when he told me I said they couldn't as they had never spoken to mum all the time they had been there ,they had also cut all their hedge and left my mum to clear it from her side of the garden.for gods sake she was an old lady.Then a few days later I was at mums with another brother when mums neighbour popped her head over the fence and said " your other brother said I could have the bird bath" well I lost the plot and said well you F---ing well cant.You never spoke to her when she was alive so why do you think you can have something of hers now she is dead ,then I carried on saying about the hedge etc.I was so angry.Anyway my daughter has her nans birdbath !!!! Sorry I sort of veered off the path there,its just that your post reminded me of those things.x

t875 Mon 28-Jan-13 14:43:08

oh kitten i can imagine how much stuff you have, silly way of me putting it really, i know how much stuff I have my mums and that isnt all of theirs. Glad I gave you a smile though, hehe

See now that is spooky in relation of the car, although a pia for you, but it could have been they were saying they were there for you, we had a very strange thing happen after we lost my mum, our burglar alarm which was unconnected, went off!!! It was 10 am on a sunday, next door neighbour come round with his dressing gown on and we were going about the day as we were up thinking ir was someones car alarm when in the end it was ours!! I was mortified we had prob woke up the close with it grin but we had to pull all the bloody cupboard out to get to the box which we gave a hit and it stopped.

but the most weird thing was..and my mum loved a good de clutter like me..i said over and over I was going to clear that cupboard out...well we ended up doing that job as when we went looking for the alarm box we put everything back tidy and had a clear out! LOL!

I also had my keys move a few times I asked for that to stop as I was feeling like i'd lost the plot the best of times without things being moved grin

ssd Mon 28-Jan-13 16:38:05

thanks mummylin, my trouble is I've got no one to do these things with, all of it I've done by myself - clearing her flat, sorting the final payments on her bills, handing the keys back to the council, now closing her bank account. My heart just feels so heavy. I know if my brother was here he'd help, but he lives 400 miles away and left after scattering mums ashes <sigh>...and good for you teeing your mums neighbour where to go, what a cheek they had.

biscuits, as t875 says, the feathers were definitely a sign for you, treasure it..it means you're mum is still with you, not in body but in spirit.

waiting, the bank account I'm talking about was like your, it was in my mums name and my name, like joint. When mum died I had to take her death certificate into the bank for them to remove her name from the account, so its just in my name only now. But to me its just mums account, its not mine, my name was only on it as I dealt with all her banking and stuff. The bank kept me waiting ages, standing there in the queue holding her death certificate and desperately trying not to cry.

kitten, I've got boxes of mums stuff too, she and my dad shared the house I grew up in for over 40 odd years, before mum moved the her sheltered flat, the stuff they kept was amazing...I even have the dog collar of our wee dog, who grew up with me and was put to sleep 35 years ago, and there is even hairs on it grin

I've got more to write but I dont want to go on too much xx

ssd Mon 28-Jan-13 16:47:46

actually I was doing well, but the bank account has floored me a bit, and that was only speaking to the woman on the phone this morning about how to close it, I still have to go into the bank and actually do it, think I'll need a stiff brandy after that one.

also the girl at work today was going on about her mum again, about what her mum has planned for her anniversary this month and also going on about "I'm not going to see mum tomorrow, I'll leave it till the weekend"..thanks for that sad

I need a good cry x

t875 Mon 28-Jan-13 18:35:03

{{{ssd}}} Have that good cry hun, it does help me sometimes to have a cry it really does. There right with you giving you support when you go to the bank. That women at work seriously would have beeb strangled by now grin lol How insensitive can she be!!

mummylin good for you saying that to the neighbour! I would have trimmed your mums hedge and left it over their side as a parting gesture! ooh nasty people, what is it these days, seriously there are some real class arse holes in the world!!

hugs all round everyone and a glass of wine or a cup of hot chocolate with cream if you prefer. Think ill go for the wine and a huge piece of cake!! Although im trying w/w again!! Lets hope tomorrow brings the sunshine and feeling a lil brighter for us xxx

t875 Mon 28-Jan-13 18:47:36

typos on my last message..

ssd - were right with you giving you support at the bank!!
and wrong smiley should have been annoyed one about that women you work with!!

xxx

ssd Mon 28-Jan-13 19:33:26

thanks t875 grin

good luck with the ww, i'm really overweight and still eat like a pig blush

havent cried, have sat at the kitchen table on here and am feeling better, thanks xx

ssd Mon 28-Jan-13 19:36:59

do you know, I'll get pelters admitting this, but I'm gonna anyway

you know all the people who have zero empathy for you and go on about their mum, or dad, like it wont affect you and were no use to you in your bereavement, well I say a little prayer and its this "please let me be there when they get the bad news, let me see them suffer"...and I dont actually mean the woman at work who goes on about her mum all the time, shes just a clooegue, I mean the family who havent been there for me, please god let me still be here when its their turn

ssd Mon 28-Jan-13 19:38:13

a clooegue should be colleague!

ssd Mon 28-Jan-13 19:39:22

might as well admit it, I mean my sister and my cousin abroad, in that order

mummylin Mon 28-Jan-13 21:35:31

ssd hope you get on ok at the bank. I understand how you feel about others, but it seems to be the general run of things that some people just get on with their lives and others are so bloody selfish they have no regards for anyone else's feelings, it has always been the same I expect, its only now that we are grieving that we can actually pick out the arseholes of the world. Thankfully not everyone is like that and there are some very kind people around too.; I believe in karma and do believe you reap what you sow.So don't worry about others in your family too much. They will get paid back for how they have been.
As a footnote to the birdbath episode. The thing is that to know my mum had the birdbath they would of had to stand on a ladder to see over into her garden ,because even when the hedge was cut ,the fence was still high !!
t875 that would of been a good idea but mum had the fence and they had the hedge! cheeky bloody sods !

t875 Mon 28-Jan-13 21:48:27

i agree with mummylin them people will get karma, i believe it ssd

mummylin oooh how bloody cheeky were your neighbours!! If id had a cat i would have shown it their garden!!! The word T*ssers comes to mind, I do apologise to anyone that offends!! x

ssd im glad you feel better, here anytime.

xx

ssd Mon 28-Jan-13 22:31:00

yes, I do hope karma bites them in the ass!!

I just realized, mummylin, I've got a birdbath from mum in my back garden, its just under my window!

xx

mummylin Tue 29-Jan-13 10:21:07

ssd I don't have the birdbath ,my daughter does ,but the water butt is attached to the pipe off my conservatory which of course is also by a window !!! I have to say it came in very handy last summer for watering this end of my garden.My great grandmother used to use the water from hers to wash her hair.I remember watching her go through this when I was a little girl.Dont think ill be doing that though in case there is a slug or snail in there !!smile hope you are ok this morning ,its good to have a rant about things / people sometimes isn't it.

t875 Tue 29-Jan-13 10:38:56

Morning everyone!!

Raining here again!! come on sunshine!! Funny about bird baths i wanted to get one here.

Hope everyone isnt too bad today, Im not too bad, tired and job hunting, it takes a lot time to do it. I definately could do with work, part time is hard to come by. oh well onwards with the search.

xx

mummylin Tue 29-Jan-13 10:53:57

raining here too t785. I have been re reading some of the latest posts and realised something,we are now beginning to chat about other things rather than just the turmoil we have been in.Its got to be for the good and I think talking to you all has made an immense difference.We can come here and have a moan and also share other things .good luck with the job hunting,must be very hard in these austere times.I am expecting visitors this morning so I guess im gonna be up and down making cups of tea.Its my nieces birthday and it seems that other family members are coming here to give her her gifts! this has now become the family meeting place.Today my niece is the same age as my sister [ her mum ] when she died.next week is my birthday and I shared a birthday with my sister so its always a little bit sad for me.See you all later.x

ssd Tue 29-Jan-13 16:56:26

its pouring and dark outside here, it matches my mood today, feel really empty and sad...I visited a friend today, it was her birthday, she a good friend, she recently lost her mum too. She had a card and money from her dad. It just sunk me again, knowing I'll never get a card or a treat from my mum again. It just feels so empty losing them both, the world seems to be divided into me with no parents and my friends who still have theirs, or at least one of them still alive. I've just got no one now, I dearly wish my siblings were closer to me, but we;re not close at all and this adds to the heartache. I wish I had a sister. I have one but might as well not, I could really do with some family supprt but theres none there. I feel like crying again tonight, this week hasnt been the best.

the mood swings in all this are the worst thing, its like being in a tumble drier, the slightest thing is absolutely sinking me just now and it goes to the heart. supporting myself is getting too hard sometimes.

ssd Tue 29-Jan-13 21:52:29

feel a bit better now, had a chat with dh and he gave me a cuddle and said "you've always got us"
than had a long bath and a long think.....

its just processing it in your mind isnt it, over and over till maybe one day it all makes sense

t875 Tue 29-Jan-13 22:03:51

hi ssd sorry ive not been around today my dad has been with me all day and ive been back and forth talking to agencies, i have an interview tomorrow its far from me so not sure im going to go for it.
there are so many days even now where it doesnt make sense, but the clouds do start lifting and it does get a little better hun. Here for you as always. Glad hubby made you feel better we need that eh xx

mummylin Big time for you again with your birthday coming up, i remember mine was very hard last year. Will be thinking of you and i know not the same but your mum will be around, do something she and you would do together or what you like to do, im a great believer they get great satisfaction seeing us treat ourselves. My mum would always nag at me about doing things for me, so i imagine her smiling when seeing me do it. Happy birthday to your niece too, again must be a mixture of emotions. Thanks about the job hunting, yeah not easy as only looking for part time, ill persevere though smile And i agree, its been nice to have general chat along with everything else. xx

well had an ok.. day today, been nice to have my dad here and also got a fair way with jobs.Me and my dad were talking about my mum which was nice, some days we go deep conversation about her others we dont now as much.

Anyways, hope everyone is going along there day ok as can be
thinking of you all xx

mummylin Tue 29-Jan-13 22:07:55

ssd I don't actually think it will ever make sense.You have obviously been very badly affected and its going to take quite a while for to to recover from your devastating upset.But you will reach a point ,we all will when we can finally accept what has happened and move on with our lives.It is all so difficult because we loved them so much.No matter how much we wish / pray for life to be as it was it never will be again and this is what we have to accept.life will go on but it is going to be a different life we all have to adapt to.And we all will,some us quicker than others ,some of us needing more time.We have no choice.Until then we can carry on giving each other support and having a moan if we need to xxx

mummylin Tue 29-Jan-13 22:16:50

t785 To tell you the truth always on my birthday me and mum would go to the crem to take flowers for my sister as its her birthday too.A long time ago I made a promise to my mum that I would also tend my sister's grave as for some strange reason no-one but us ever went there.Now that mum is there too [ next plot] I have two to tend to,as long as I can breathe I will always take care of them both.My brothers will go on the important dates like the anniversary,mothers day and birthday but the rest of the time it has been left to me.No point in me saying anything so I will just do it.My other sister lives too far away to go there at all.The day after our birthdays is my grans anniversary so you can see why I don't like 5th and sixth of feb,so that always mars my birthday now.I should say that two of my brothers will take mum flowers on important dates but I have another brother who dosent bother and that does annoy me actually.But I have to keep quiet or there will be an upset in the family and I don't want that at all.So for a change I am keeping quiet !!!! very unusual smile

t875 Tue 29-Jan-13 23:11:46

well thats nice you tend to them mummylin, i must admit i miss somewhere like that for my mum, im definitely going to do a little garden this year for her.
what will you be doing with the flowers this time??

i know what you mean with the loss, there are days when i just cant believe it still and it hits me like a brick really difficult, but then there are times where im not too bad now, i certainly didnt believe it atall when people said it will get a bit easier as it has. But my god i miss her and everything about her, but if i seriously go down that route too much it polverrises me. x

Night everyone xx

sorry for disappearing ds has been poorly so has been more clingy than usual. I went out of town yesterday and on the way back me and my sister and nephew popped up to the cemetry to check the flowers were still good. i dont know why but all the grass on the other graves has grown back but not mums its all tutfy and odd looking.Am wondering if she secretly hates grass, on a different note that can anyone help me grow it back? what do i need to do. some bulbs have gone in i cant wait for it to be more colourful up there it looks bleak. I hope to find more comfort up there when it is nice enough to sit and reflect not sink into the floor. My sis asked my little nephew where nanna and he pointed to the sky and waved bye bye when we left. broke me that did, i wish she had more time with her grandsons. she loved them so much and its so unfair that she wont get to be a part of their lives other than what we tell them. We bought them both a st christopher pendant with her christmas vouchers for when they reach teenage years. days like today hurt so much sad ds has been poorly and i really needed advice, i picked up the phone like i always would then realised what i was doing.
Hope you are all doing okay, or if you are having a maudlin day like me it passes. x

t875 Wed 30-Jan-13 12:57:37

Hi waiting, with the grass question, i think grass seeds but not sure how long it takes, failing that can you get away with digging a little square out and putting down turf? It sounds nice what you done though.
Hope ds is better soon, its hard when they are ill and we arent on par ourselves.
Ive picked up the phone a few times and it kills, i still do just speak to my mum though, and ask her for her advise, and and come with me to places although i scream sometimes answer me too sad

went for interview and it was me typing up case files for people that have come out of prison or who are going in..i was like errr no thanks! That was going to be a heavy job, were talking very serious crimes.
so back on the drawing board, was a nice place though, but you know when you are not going to be able to do a job and i knew that was the case with this, i hate reading newspapers with them stories let alone me working in a job involving it.

Hope everyone isnt too bad today thinking of you all! Thank god the suns out!! xx

HoneyKate Wed 30-Jan-13 13:00:14

Hi everyone
I haven't posted for a while as I've just been feeling so down, although I am reading your posts. I hope you're all doing ok and getting through the days as best you can. It's so incredibly hard and painful. What T875 said, I can't even think too much about mum right now, I just want to cry all the time. Her home is empty now, being decorated and waiting for new renters. Clearing it was incredibly hard and painful because everything was there as normal - but not her. Empty chair, empty bed. Her dressing gown still hanging on the bathroom door. Unbearable.

I think thats the worst part of it honeykate, i would love to go back and have a bru with mums partner just so he doesnt feel totally alone but dont want to go back in there where she isnt anymore.

t875 Wed 30-Jan-13 15:45:45

I still find it hard to walk in and see my mums personal belongings, my dad still has her coat hanging on the peg in the cupboard and it kills me, i have hugged her clothes so many times. This definitely is very hard still even after 8 months! I have got through but its been tough today, my youngest had a big thing happen at school a special award and i soo want to tell my mum, all i could do was show her and lift it up. sad

t875 Wed 30-Jan-13 15:48:35

Honeykate i try not to think about my mum to deep in the missing sense otherwise it obliterates me I can think about her generally some days laughing and memories. Thinking of you, it really is such an awful time.

Remember CRUSE are very good. They have helped me in the early days, they also have a 24 hr help line where you can just phone them. They were great and still are i have had 2 sessions and my lady is i believe been sent by my mum to help me as she truly is an angel of a lady x

mummylin Wed 30-Jan-13 15:50:28

waiting We too have to do something about the grass because there is a big tree which overshadows mums grave and there literally is hardly any grass there at all.It has never grown properly on my sisters either.My brother said you can get different sorts of grass seed which we will get to see if that will help.Not sure what sort of seed it is though.other than that we can always put a few sods of turf there.As for making it look less bleak,there are little pots of daffs now available in the shops,it may be a good idea to buy some of those and transplant the bulbs to the grave and they can carry on growing there.My aunt does this for her garden and they grew fine last year.I have planted winter pansies and hyacinths there for the moment.hello to everyone else hope you are all ok.Its a fine sunny day here today but its freezing cold !!

ssd Wed 30-Jan-13 22:24:25

I agree with you honeykate, clearing mums flat was way harder than the funeral, seeing things she and my dad had for almost 50 years and throwing them away was totally painful - cutlery she had since getting married in 1950, the ironing board she got 20 years ago, the things I'd passed onto her over the years, her clothes, all bought by me from places I've worked in before having my kids, or more recent from local places to me, so so many small and personal things, all put into plastic bags and given away sad, as you say, her nightie still in her bed and her dressing gown on the hook behind the bedroom door, her glasses beside the paper from the day she died, folded at the tv listings, which is amongst the many things I've kept...I could go on and on...its just so so sad sad

ssd Wed 30-Jan-13 22:27:13

I kept some of her clothes just so I could smell her from them,but the longer they are in my house the more I'm losing the smell of her, I bury my face to get it but its disappearing now

Galaxymum Thu 31-Jan-13 22:32:29

Clearing my mum's house is so draining. It's lovely to find little treasures to keep and have memories but clearing the mundane things is really upsetting. Mum's baking trays, whisks and chip pans. Things that are every day but mean a lot yet i don't physically have the room.

Since my birthday I just feel so down. Things hsve been difficult at school with my DD and I need my mum to talk to and can't. Just nothing I can do. I just miss her with all my heart.

ssd Fri 01-Feb-13 09:28:57

I'm sorry galaxy, I really am. I know what you mean about the wee things, its just heartbreaking throwing things our mum used all the time out...I think its the most painful thing I've ever done. It makes me look at all my things differently, I'm getting a bit morbid now, when I see things in charity shops I just think "they belonged to someones mum now they are for sale on a dusty shelf". Someone very close to you dying changes how you see the world doesn't it sad

hugs to you xx

mummylin Fri 01-Feb-13 10:35:52

galaxymum and ssd that is exactly why I have so many containers filled with my mums stuff.I could not bear to throw anything out,I have all her cutlery including her special potato knife,which im never going to use.Oh I have so much.It is so sad when you look at everything they used to use.I even kept the tea towel which she was using at the time she died.I know that one day I will really have to sort it all out ,but for now everything is staying right here.I bought a book for my kindle yesterday after seeing a mum on the tele yesterday morning whose daughter had been killed.There is a certain section where she states about the lack of support from her family as like we have all said,people think we should of " got over it " It seems that what we have said is a classic example.She said in the book that she got huge support from her friends.that is why this thread is so good to have and it also proves that what we have said about dh/brothers / sisters /aunts etc seems to be the normal thing that happens to a lot of people.xx

t875 Fri 01-Feb-13 11:40:07

Galaxy mum feel for you so much. (()) its massively hard I still don't find this easy some days. Especially where my dad has her shoes in the same place in the cupboard it's like she is just going to come through the door and im beyond sad somedays still.
I went though a time With my daughter so if you need anyone to talk to pm me, we are ttyrough the other side of this but I know it is not the same as the chat with your mum, my god I know all about this one, I've said it so much lately I wish I could talk to you. I still do talk to her but I get really frustrated sometimes I not get an answer, but then I do answer and I know what she would say and I almost hear her advise I. My head but it's sooo not the same.

I have got so much stuff of my mums as I didn't want to throw it, the girls have some too. I've got to go through it all over again, although I homed a few of them. Plastic pots which my dad didn't want I have actually used for lunches and salad/ fruit for the kids for school I bet she loved seeing them used xx

Hi to everyone else, will be thinking of you ssd xxx

ssd Fri 01-Feb-13 11:41:48

you are absolutely right mummylin.

I found a poem online and I thought of you all

hope no one minds me posting it, I dont mean to upset anyone

"
My grief is like a river,
I have to let it flow,
but I myself determine
just where the banks will go.

Some days the current takes me
in waves of guilt and pain,
but there are always quiet pools
where I can rest again.

I crash on rocks of anger;
my faith seems faint indeed,
but there are other swimmers
who know that what I need

Are loving hands to hold me
when the waters are too swift,
and someone kind to listen
when I just seem to drift.

Grief's river is a process
of relinquishing the past.
By swimming in hope's channels,
I'll reach the shore at last."

thanks to all my fellow swimmers here, you've really helped me when I needed it

xxx

I remember when my mum had been gone about a month my dad called me at work and said he had found a letter she had written to us all.

It felt like I had been punched in the gut!! That moment was worse than the funeral for sure!

I also remember after she had been gone a few months attending a work out class (me and mum used to do them together years ago) and there was a lady there with white hair who may have resembled mum a little bit. Bitterness hit me.....how come she was there and my mum wasn't. Another gut punching moment and I got through the warm up hoping no one could see my blubbing.

Even now, 2.5 years on I get the odd moment when I just feel sick at the thought that she is gone....I have no mum.....ever again!!!!!!!!

Her mum died in 1980 and there was not a day went by when she didn't think of her. I never really got that, not till I lost her anyway!

This is a poem I wrote for my mum....made it up one night when I couldn't sleep.

A daughters grief:-

63 days have come and gone
Since I saw your beautiful face
9 long weeks since you broke our hearts
Moving onto your heavenly place

In my life there’s a gap which can never be filled
In my body a constant ache
Try as I might, I cannot understand
Why my mum, the Lord had to take

Where are you my darling, please give me a sign
For you I look everywhere
The sun on my face, is it you? Please be you
Is your kiss the wind in my hair?

The day that you died Mum, I think I died too
I’m not that same girl anymore
On the outside no different, I put on a show
But inside I feel dead to the core

I held onto your hand as you slipped away
For you the next journey begun
I’ll miss you for ever and want you to know
I’m so blessed that you were my Mum

I hope that you know Mum how much I love you
And will till the day that I die
Until we next meet and I know that we will
I’ll say Au Revoir , not Goodbye

A poem for the best mum there ever was

ssd Fri 01-Feb-13 15:51:40

thats so beautiful, betty, thanks for posting it for us all

xx

t875 Fri 01-Feb-13 17:46:38

Thanks for sharing the poems Betty and ssd, they are really true words xx

ssd Fri 01-Feb-13 18:40:04

hi t875, I've been to the bank and closed mums account. Before I went I took a drive around the area where I'm from, especially the countryside, where they used to do a lot of walking, I always feel a bit more connected to them there. When I was in the bank I just kept thinking "you still have them, you still have them"....but there was a bit of lip biting going on!! Luckily the counter assistant was really nice, she did ask why there was once another name on the account and I just said " it was my mums account but she has passed away, it was a joint account as I did all her banking", she just said that's fine.

Then I went to M&S and bought myself a dozen red roses (£6, not bad!), a nice fruit salad and a can of wine spritzer, which I'll have later.
The roses are at the window in the red vase I bought mum, I hope she can see them...I bet she can.

xx

mummylin Fri 01-Feb-13 18:48:37

Both poems bought a lump to my throat. They both sum up how I feel too.thank you both.
On a different note I had some very good news today from my dd.she does shopping ,ironing etc for old people who have carers but stay in their own home. She arrived at one of her old ladies today and the carer was shouting for help. The old lady was choking on a piece of beef. My dd put her arms around her and managed to dislodge the meat. She had been turning blue ! the lady said to my dd " how can I ever repay you ,you have just saved my life ".the strange thing is that normally my dd goes to her on a thurs but because she was having new carpet laid yesterday she went today instead. Thank god she did .!