My mum died

(41 Posts)
StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sun 18-Nov-12 08:51:24

My brother found her last night. He's 18, she was only 57. waiting for the coroner to call today, but don't know what to do. None of us had seen or spoken to her since Thursday.

Have had to call family members and most of them have said "It was to be expected." What are we supposed to say to that? Actually it really wasn't for us. we knew she was ill, diabetes, depression and alcoholism, but it's not like we ever thought about it or planned anything. Maybe that was stupid of us, but you know she's my mum.

mrscog Sun 18-Nov-12 08:52:58

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, I don't have any practical advice for you but take care. How is your brother coping after such a horrible shock?

PavlovtheCat Sun 18-Nov-12 08:56:56

I am sorry to hear of your loss sad I hope you have some support around you.

KermitTheFrogIsNotAVeggie Sun 18-Nov-12 08:57:32

Oh i am sorry. What an awful shock.

How are you doing? Really? Hows your brother?

My mum was in hospital when she died. I had thought she was getting better. She had been quite ill, but to me it was still unexpected, a huge huge shock.

Are you going to be making arrangements?

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sun 18-Nov-12 08:59:12

He's holding up, but he keeps wanting to talk about it which is understandable but I don't know what to say. He lives with our sister and he went round to mum's at about 11.30pm to pick up an argos catalogue! There was no answer but all the lights were on so he looked through the letter box and saw her lying on the floor. He got in through an open window at the back of the house and said he knew as soon as he saw her. He rang 999 and the operator had to tell him to turn her over, he said he couldn't/didn't want to but obviously he had to. When he saw her face he said he almost ran out of the house with fright/shock.

MissAnnersley Sun 18-Nov-12 09:00:56

I'm so sorry.

That is just the worst possible news and a horrible, horrible shock.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sun 18-Nov-12 09:03:05

I probably will be making arrangements as I'm the oldest but I don't know what to do. I expect my MIL will be able to help with all that.

Ds is bouncing around the room, my mum loved him so very much and he adored her. He's too young to understand which in a way I'm grateful for but he won't remember her.

Every family member I speak to I have to tell them not to tell my nan. She's 94 and very frail and confused. Her baby has died and we can't tell her.

AddictedtoCrunchies Sun 18-Nov-12 09:04:41

I'm very sorry for your loss,

whattodoo Sun 18-Nov-12 09:04:51

Oh, i'm so sorry for your loss.
I hope you and your siblings can comfort and support each other. What a terrible shock for you.
I hope you have plenty of RL love and support to help you through the formalities.

MonaLotte Sun 18-Nov-12 09:08:15

Really sorry for your loss. Don't know what else to say. That's good that MIL can help with the arrangements. That must have been a terrible shock for your brother :-(

3littlefrogs Sun 18-Nov-12 09:10:55

Oh I am so sorry.

I have experienced something very similar. It is a terrible shock.

I am sure that you will find the coroner's office very helpful. They will tell you what to do.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

There will be an inquest; you won't be able to plan anything until the coroner tells you you can.

You are going to have to tell your nan at some point.sad Are you geographically near other family members? You will have to talk to each other and work out how to do this.

So sorry for your loss.

NorthernNobody Sun 18-Nov-12 09:21:01

stickem - you don't have to find the right words with your brother -you just have to listen. He'll just need to talk. There are no right answers. Listening will do
I'm so sorry for your loss.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sun 18-Nov-12 09:23:39

I hope the rest of the family will tell me what to do.We're not very close to them, it feels very strange having to speak to them now. My brother told our dad, I haven't spoken to him in about 7 years and he and my mum have been divorced for about 15 years. I feel like he should be here, for us, but he probably won't bother. I'm worried she doesn't know how much we love her, and that she was scared or in pain and alone.

RockPaperScissorsLizardSpock Sun 18-Nov-12 09:23:52

I'm sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself x

ajandjjmum Sun 18-Nov-12 09:26:03

So sorry.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sun 18-Nov-12 10:01:04

I need to call my boss, is it too early to call her now? I'm expected in work at 7am tomorrow.

I am so sorry for your loss. And for the shocking way it has happened. Your poor brother.

As regards the "it was to be expected" comments, I think people just have a need to say something. I think I would just reply with "possibly but we are never ready to lose a parent, are we?". Because we are never ready. No matter how certain the outcome is. And this is such a shock.

I would say it's not too early to call your boss as she will maybe need to make alternative arrangements.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 18-Nov-12 10:21:39

Oh my love, I am so, so sorry sad

I am so very sorry for your brother too, that must have been such a shock for him and having to see her like that will stay with him, poor kid. In time try to make sure he gets some counselling x

Please don't feel bad that no-one had seen her since Thursday, it's really not a long time.

I don't know how to say this really, but, your relatives don't sound very nice. No-one nice says 'it's was to be expected' - not even if the person was dying with a terminal illness, let alone when not, it's just not what you say is it?! I'd give them a wide berth if I was you and talk to your MIL & friends, they will want to help you and sadly, plenty of them will have had experience too.

As others have said, you need to speak to the coroners office - they will help you. Then you will need to choose a funeral director and they will help you too.

I am sure your Mum knows how much you love her - they just do! Just as you know how much your DS loves you. I am sorry for his loss too, I know how sad it is when you know that they wont remember, but if you keep talking to him about her and about how much she loved & adored him and keep her photos around the house, he will know he was special to her and that his Gran loved him - it does make a difference.

I really am sorry, 57 is no age sad

LaTrucha Sun 18-Nov-12 10:29:21

I'm sorry for your loss.

That it was expected doesn't make it any less. My mum's death was expected too under somewhat similar circumstances. Being 'prepared' doesn't prepare you. I did think about maybe having to find her, and though in the end she died in hospital, it doesn't make a difference.

For what it's worth, I think you're right not to tell your mother's mother.

She was your mum and you loved her and she loved you and that is all that matters.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sun 18-Nov-12 11:11:53

My nan is just so small now iykwim? Cant think of another way to describe it. She's not like the way she used to be. I don't think it would be worth upsetting whatever time she has left.

I'm being nice to extended family because I think my mum would have wanted it. She never got on with her brothers and sisters but she desperately wanted to.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sun 18-Nov-12 15:52:42

My dad just called me, he said if we need him to come and see us he will. He lives at the other end of the country. He's been invisible for 15 years. Now I have no idea what to do.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 18-Nov-12 18:32:07

Sweetheart, I think you would be better to rely on your friends for support and be with your brother & sister at this time. Be polite to family, but it doesn't sound like they supported your Mum when she needed it and they aren't supporting you now. As for your father, he's been out of your life for years, obviously for good reason, I can't see that him being around is going to help you right now, only complicate things sad

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sun 18-Nov-12 18:32:42

I'm going to have to go into her house later tonight. Never wanted to anywhere less I think.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sun 18-Nov-12 18:33:53

Sorry, x posted. I think you're right Chipping.

Thank you to everyone who has posted.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 18-Nov-12 18:35:48

Why do you have to go to your Mum's late tonight?

Who is going with you?

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sun 18-Nov-12 18:41:50

My brother, sister and my husband will be there too, obviously only if my brother and sister want to go in. I'm sure dh will do it if none of us feel up to it. Just need to wait for the babysitter for ds.

We need to go to try and find her cats and make sure the house is secure, after the police left last night. I'm sure it will be but we just need to check. As we don't know when she died (except that it was between about 9pm Thursday and when she was found last night) we don't know when the cats were last fed.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 18-Nov-12 19:30:36

I'm glad you aren't going on your own. It's a really, really hard thing to do sad I'll be thinking of you x

I hope you find the cats quickly and they are OK. Do you know what are you going to do about them?

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sun 18-Nov-12 19:31:24

Why do I feel like I want to tell everyone? I want to shout it in the street. My mummy is dead.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sun 18-Nov-12 19:32:22

My sister will take the cats for now, don't know about long term.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 18-Nov-12 19:40:52

Probably because you don't really believe it yet sad You also need someone to hold you and look after you. You have just lost your Mummy, you need someone to hold you and tell you it will be OK sad No matter how troubled she was, she was your Mum x

Pancakeflipper Sun 18-Nov-12 19:57:07

It's the weirdest feeling seeing other people continue with their daily lives and you are looking at them internally screaming "don't you know????"

Take your time in decision making and if you make decisions about the funeral etc and a little bit later you change your mind then don't be afraid to tell peo

Pancakeflipper Sun 18-Nov-12 19:57:58

It's the weirdest feeling seeing other people continue with their daily lives and you are looking at them internally screaming "don't you know????"

Take your time in decision making and if you make decisions about the funeral etc and a little bit later you change your mind then don't be afraid to tell people.

Take care and look after yourself and let your DH look after you.

Pancakeflipper Sun 18-Nov-12 19:58:42

Sorry for odd double posting, the darn iTouch.... I cannot control it

mumofthemonsters808 Sun 18-Nov-12 20:04:05

So very sorry to hear this, what a terrible awful shock. I've no magical words to offer, I lost my lovely Mum in February and the pain is horrendous so I do feel for you. Try and take each day as it comes.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sun 18-Nov-12 21:49:04

Can't find the cats. First time I've been in that house for a long time. She was trying so hard to make everything better for ds, so he could go and stay with her. I never believed her but I can see it in the house.

I can't remember the last time I kissed or hugged her, or even the last time I told her I loved her. I know I haven't for a long time. I was so angry with her. I used to ignore her when she texted me, and claimed I was busy or didn't have my phone on me because I didn't want to argue with her and I could never tell what would set an argument off. She annoyed me. She kept asking me to text her new photos of ds but I never did because they cost too much to send. Why couldn't I just have sent the text? Why didn't I just hug her. Like anything either of us ever did to annoy each other matters now.

She was with ds on Thursday morning, I hope she was happy, I hope it was just like falling asleep and her dad came to get her. I never understood why she was still so upset about his death even four years after it happened but I can see why now. Her dad and me had what ds and my mum had. When he died I was 18 and I didn't think I would ever feel pain like that again. But he was an old man, he had had his life. My mum didn't get to be happy much.

Oh please let her be happy now. Let her be with her dad, and the babies she lost and everyone she has ever loved and lost. Let her watch over my ds forever. He doesn't know and he wouldn't understand anyway.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sun 18-Nov-12 22:00:22

When I was little she played me this song and told me that she thinks of Stephanie, one of the babies she lost before I was born, when she hears this song. She said that I am the "someone else who cares". I don't even know if she knew I have always remembered this song. It's now my song for her. My ds and dh are my someone elses. I love her so much.

Even now
When there's someone else who cares
When there's someone home whos waiting just for me
Even now I think about you as Im climbing up the stairs
And I wonder what to do so she wont see
That even now
When I know it wasn't right
And I found a better life than what we had
Even now I wakeup crying in the middle of the night
And I can't believe it still could hurt so bad

Even now when I have come so far
I wonder where you are
I wonder why it's still so hard without you
Even now when I come shining through
I swear I think of you
And how I wish you knew
Even now

Even now
When I never hear your name
And the world has changed so much since you been gone
Even now I still remember and the feelings still the same
And the pain inside of me goes on and on
Even now

Even now when I have come so far
I wonder where you are
I wonder why it's still so hard without you
Even now when I come shining through
I swear I think of you
And God I wish you knew
Some how
Even now

t875 Mon 19-Nov-12 00:10:31

So very sorry for your loss stickemwiththepointyend, how terrible for you guys, its hard enough to lose someone but in them circumstances, what a shock.
Thinking of you and sending you support.

We have a thread here called losing a parent we have all lost a parent on there, mum or dad or sadly both, please come by there it is also like this thread very supportive and have helped me immensely through the last 7 months.

Take Care of your self x

ChippingInLovesAutumn Mon 19-Nov-12 00:43:57

The regrets are hard to bare aren't they sad 'Why didn't I do this, why did I do that, none of that matters now, I wish I had, I wish I hadn't'... it is SO hard. All you can do is try to learn from that and apply it to the people who are still here - your DH, your DS, your brother and sister in particular.

However, it sounds like you had to put boundaries in place to protect yourself and your family, both physical and emotional boundaries - so plese try not to beat yourself up, you were doing what you had to do.

It's good that your Mum was doing things to make it better for your DS, so he could go and stay and she wouldn't have if you hadn't been firm with her.

Your Mum had her issues, you did your best to balance her needs and your needs. You are young, you shouldn't have had to do all of that, she should have been looking after YOU and your B&S, she was the parent. You had a right to be angry with her, you had the right to ignore her calls/texts sometimes when you weren't up for an arguement - you did your best and you did OK. Please don't blame yourself or beat yourself up.

It sounds like your Mum had a lot of sad times in her life, but that you (& DS) were the light in it. I hope that she is happy with her Dad and the babies she lost - I am sure she will be looking out for you all now.

Solo Mon 19-Nov-12 00:51:42

Oh goodness, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Remember to look after yourself; remember to eat and remember to breath.x

MarianneEnjolras Thu 20-Jun-13 16:37:45

Hi everyone, its the OP, I've name changed as I had to reregister earlier in the year. (and I've been through a few bad phases that I'd rather forget under my old name)

I just wanted to thank you all for your support back in November, it was a great comfort to me at the time.

Everything is a little less raw now though I still feel like I'm in shock sometimes, like I have an emotional weepy stinging wound that gets poked every now and then, but I suppose that is normal.

Anyway, I am also bumping this thread just to be a little bit cheeky and ask for support with my fundraising for Diabetes UK in memory of my mum. The fundraising is a part of my DofE award, which I began a month before my mum died, so it has been a struggle to say the least to keep motivated to keep it going! If you can spare a little change, or just share the link to my just giving page, I would be ever so grateful.

The justgiving link is on my profile for anyone who is interested.

Thank you again for all your support when I really needed someone to cry on!

ssd Sat 22-Jun-13 19:25:27

hi op, your fundraising sounds a great idea, well done you xxx

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