For Anyone grieving for one of their parents,you will find support here.

(362 Posts)
mummylin Wed 07-Nov-12 21:50:04

hope you all find this ok,the pages were just refusing to load up and messages taking so long.thats why i had a double post on other thread.

ssd Wed 07-Nov-12 22:06:58

hi mummylin, thanks for doing this x

mummylin Wed 07-Nov-12 22:12:15

I hope nobody will mind changing threads but last night and today my comp has been awful.Its ready for the knackers yard but until i get a new one this one will have to do.If this breaks down completely i will use dh's pc but that is slow as well, but he dosent use it anymore cause he has a laptop now.I do hop that everyone comes over here now.So why were you on your own tonight ssd ?

ssd Wed 07-Nov-12 23:02:37

because dh and the ds's were at the football! x

mummylin Wed 07-Nov-12 23:05:06

Ah you were in the same position i was in last night ! i like having an evening to myself actually.i wouldnt like it every night but i dont mind a couple of nights a week.Its so peaceful without dh wittering on !

ssd Wed 07-Nov-12 23:16:16

same here!!

and their team won against Barcelona so they are all in a great mood for once grin

Ha found you!smile Well done for organising this mummylin - don't want to lose everyone...

Sorry it seems to have been such a tough few days for so many of us. I wonder if the cold Winter like weather isn't helping?

mummylin - your Mum's garden is beautiful, daffodils will look great on itsmile

I really think that unless you have experienced losing a parent you have absolutely no idea of the complete new world it puts you in. I fear I maybe haven't been as supportive of others in the past, just unthinking, not realising how deep and profound the grief issad I have really found out who my true friends are since Mum became ill - my best friend arrived a few weeks after Mum died (she lives miles away) and just held me, no words needed. I sobbed and sobbed and actually felt better for it. But Dad's family came to the funeral and then expected us to want to go out on a day trip with them the next dayshock Haven't heard from then since either...

GurlwiththefrothyCurl try not to beat yourself up - guilt comes quite commonly after bereavement, but it wasn't your fault, and worrying will make you feel worse I promise you. Try to remember the good times with your Mum, when you were there for her, shared a deep bond which many others don't seem to experience. Be kind to yourself x

This run up to Christmas is incredibly tough - the gap seems enormous. Also it is Mum's birthday on the 16th which is definitely hanging over me...

t875 Thu 08-Nov-12 00:51:51

Gurlwithafeather - I agree with mummylin, this wasn't your fault hun and you will seriously beat yourself up and really bring your self down. I also get the mind playing tricks on me too, saying i should have went to her that night but at the end of the day i really didn't think there was anything wrong. Take each day as it comes and go with the emotions, there are days i get bitter, angry, sad, annoyed, a whole roller coaster and when im feeling like that i avoid everyone in rl. x

Ssd - {{hugs}} i know what you mean too, my friend doesn't get on with her mum and since losing my mum i try to say to her you will regret it and try to bond with her, but she says yeah but i don't get on with her as much as you got on with your mum. But i know she will regret it though..blimey i regret some things but i just have to think we were/are devoted.

I also know what you mean about others, i really have had a lot of the immediate family not really check in on me but like mummylin said i don't think they understand unless they walk my shoes..so to speak.

mummylin Thu 08-Nov-12 10:55:58

I am so glad that you have found this new thread.The first thing i look at is this thread.I def think the horrible weather dosent help to lift anyones mood.But on the other hand when its a bright sunny day i think its not right to have a beautiful day when my mum is not here to share it and im feeling so sad.Really whatever the day is like i will always find something wrong with it lately !
I think its hard to live with regrets and im sure we all have a few.But we musnt dwell on them ,they would drive us all crazy.We have to think of all the positive things ,like how close we were ,how much we loved them and they loved us,how they always gave their support when things went wrong,How hard they worked through their lives to give us what we needed and things like that.Its a very rare family that dosent have some hiccups along the way.My mum had to do everything and there were six of us children.She had a drinker for a husband who did nothing.My mum worked,did all the gardening and decorating ,was kept short of money etc.But we had a good childhood thanks to her and we have all grown up to be decent human beings.But its all down to my mum.She was an inspiration.
As we all got older and had our own children ,mum was the one who knitted all our little cardigans, and when they started having children she was still knitting for them.Thanks to my mum ,i am who i am now.But yes we did have disagreements sometimes,but it didnt detract from the love we shared as mum and daughter.For the last few years,maybe 14 we always took my mum on holiday with us ,if i didnt go she wouldnt go either ,even if it was with one of my brothers.I know for some they would not like to do this ,but mum was fine and if she wanted to stay in the hotel in the evenings that is what she did.Her Favourite place to go was Gran Canaria and we went there several times.I have so many happy memories of all the holidays and i thank god that we had one just before she died so i have recent photos.I have no idea what i am trying to say here but its nice to be able to share my memories of my mum with you all.maybe thats what we need to do to get us out of our negative feelings and put us on the road to more positive ones.I dont know what the answer is.

What a lovely post mummylin I agree maybe the way forward is to share our memories of our parents - happy or sad- so they are 'known' to others and remembered.

My Mum was a force to be reckoned withsmile She was such a strong woman, very determined and with high morals, high expectations of others too. If anyone fell short in some way, then they were told! But equally she was a bag of nerves at times, hated staying away from home, very caring about others in need. She became a bit of a sounding board for many who would turn to her for a boot up the backsidegrin

The hole she leaves is massive. I thought she would go on for ever...

mummylin Thu 08-Nov-12 13:20:54

I can also think back to about three years ago when my mum said to me that her club was having an easter bonnet competition,then added she had never in her life had a bonnet.So i went to one of the cheap shops,bought loads of little chicks,eggs and flowers and made her one !! She won second prize She was so chuffed and so was i.I will put a pic of it up soon.She won £1.50 !!smile Took me ages.
maybe I thought the same as you ,my mum would always be here.She was so distressed when my sister died and it was awful to see her like that ,but eventually she carried on and enjoyed life again.She did enjoy having a good laugh.I can certainly say that she enjoyed life to the full until the day before she died when she was taken ill.
Sometimes my brothers would show me a joke on their phone and of course we never showed mum as they were usually rude.She got in a huff because she said we always left her out.I told her its because they were rude but she said she could make her own mind up.So i showed her and she laughed ,will never know if she actually got the joke though.! im off to search for easter bonnet pic !!

mummylin Thu 08-Nov-12 13:40:16

Have put up the pic.My mum never swore ,smoked but she did once get drunk when i was a child ,i can remember it as plain as can be.It was xmas and she had something at her friends house who lived at the bottom of our house.Mum fell over the garden fence and my grandad had to come over.I always used to tease her about that.She never ever had another drink. Im afraid, i have the first two traits but dont really like drink too much.i do have a drink if im at a party or something but only a couple because it just goes to my head. But i do have a lot of her other traits, i am very very strong willed,and very opinionated.But i have a huge compasionate side to me and will help anyone that i can.That is from my mum.Oh its so good to be able to talk about her.

mummylin Thu 08-Nov-12 13:41:19

isnt it nice to have a couple of smiles on here !

Fab hat smile yes am glad to see some smileys on here - in amongst my sadness I am finding things to laugh at again. Sometimes I feel guilt for enjoying things, but I know Mum would want me to live my life...

mummylin Thu 08-Nov-12 18:52:41

I find i can be doing just general things and not even thinking about it ,then all of a sudden it comes back into my head again and my stomach sort of gets knotted up and i feel sad all over again.I guess this will go on for quite some time,but the time between will start to get longer.I have also noticed that i dont really have any enthusiasm for anything at all.I really dont care if i do this or that at all.

NotActuallyAMum Thu 08-Nov-12 19:13:23

Hope no-one minds me joining in, I can see you've all been talking for a while

"I really think that unless you have experienced losing a parent you have absolutely no idea of the complete new world it puts you in"

^ nail on the head there

We lost Mum at the end of May, just 5 weeks after she was diagnosed with cancer. It really does feel as if one minute she was fine, the next she was gone. Totally unexpected, we thought she'd have a few months of chemo and she'd be OK again

Dad hasn't helped - just 5 weeks after we lost her (we hadn't even buried her ashes) he started 'seeing' their next door neighbour, despite the fact that she has a husband. I got a pasting on here though when I started a thread saying how devastated I was about it

Some days I do feel OK, but other days I could just sit and cry all day. People keep telling me it gets better in time, but I'm still waiting. I still can't believe she's gone, I miss her so much

mummylin Thu 08-Nov-12 19:24:34

Oh NotActuallyAMum thats a very sad tale indeed.I quite understand actually how you would of felt about your dads situation especially being so close to your dear mums death.yes we have another thread where we all met up with a title almost the same as this one if you want to go and read through and find out about us.We are all at different stages of our grieving,but we all have one thing in common.We all miss our mums / dads so much.Its like a physical pain.It has helped me to speak to other people in the same situation.I hope we can help you too. You are still in quite early stages of your grieving and yes it will get better with time ,but no-one know how long that time will take.It will be different for all of us.I had my mums 1st anniversary last week ,but it still feels like only a few weeks ago.Others may be ok after a few months ,for some of us it may be a couple of years.No-one knows.

NotActuallyAMum Fri 09-Nov-12 13:19:03

Thank you mummylin

I'm having an "OK" day today, I can think about her and smile, so I'm making the most of it. Tomorrow I may feel completely different, there doesn't seem to be any pattern to it, and when I'm having a "bad" day there isn't ever a specific reason for it. Doesn't really make any sense, but then again lots of things don't make sense since we lost her

I hope you're all doing OK-ish

ssd Fri 09-Nov-12 15:49:28

hi NotActuallyAMum , sorry to hear about your mum...I agree about there being no pattern to it all, I was doing well for a few days last week and thought I'd cracked it, now I'm back at square one again

what I find hard is the speed it was all done and dusted here...my siblings live 100's of miles away and I realise now it was all done quickly to suit them..at the time my head was up my bum and I couldn't tell if it was New York or new year

mum died, we had the funeral the next week, scattered her ashes the very next day, family all left immediately afterwards, I then cleared her flat by myself.....this was all done in a 4 wk period

its just too soon, I'm reeling by the speed of it all

everyone went home to their normal lives and I'm left to grieve alone....I feel like ringing them up and saying "do you know my mum died, did you hear", then I remember they are my siblings...its strange how unaffected they are/were

I keep going over things that happened in my head, round and round it goes, with no one to share it with, except people it didn't affect too much, dh, dsis, db....its turned me inside out but they aren't too worried..........

Hi NotActuallyAMum (fab name BTW) I'm so sorry about your Mum, it's such a hard thing to go through and then to cope with the news about your Dad... Really hard - I can only imagine how tough that must be. As mummylin says, we're all at different stages of grief. Also the emotions come and go - again I often can't see why one day is worse than an other...

This thread is fantastic - to make us realise our feelings are 'normal' and to be able to talk with others who understand.

ssd you have been through a whirlwind! Talk to us if others are no good smile

mummylin I know what you mean about not having enthusiasm for things. I'm a member of two book groups yet I'm struggling to readsad I'm reading trashy magazines, somehow novels aren't holding my interest and I drift off thinking about Mum again. I'm also watching rubbish on TV!

ssd Fri 09-Nov-12 17:07:19

I do maybeyoushoulddrive smile and thank god you're all here!!

funny, I was just thinking I don't have any enthusiasm for anything either, I just want to sit on the sofa with a blanket thinking of mum and going through it all again

I've just been to her favourite garden centre and seen the xmas card I would have bought her, I said in my head "there's your card mum", also seen one to mum and dad, its been 15yrs since I bought one like that, for so long its been mum cards

guess this xmas is going to be very hard for us all

my dsis is visiting next month, she days we can all go out for dinner and it'll be lovely!!....cant imagine anything worse or anything I have less enthusiasm for

ssd Fri 09-Nov-12 17:08:46

says not days

mummylin Fri 09-Nov-12 22:26:33

hello all.ssd put up a photo of your mum ,get a pretty little pot plant and buy her a card and put by it !! i bought one for my mum last year and took it up the cemetery.There is no reason we cant still buy them cards and as i have already said ,i got an old one that mum had sent me in a previous time and put that up .I did this for my birthday and xmas.It made me feel better. Its all such a weird experience,and it seems we all go through mixed feeling of being ok one minute ,then very down the next.And others dont seem to realise that although we appear to be ok ,inside we are so upset and broken.A bit of compassion wouldnt go amiss sometimes would it.I was out today with my brother and niece when we were chatting and i said " on monday i am going shopping with mum" it just came out .I meant to say my friend.How i wish that what i said was true.
I do hope the others from the previous thread will find us here and not think we have deserted them !
I cannot believe its only a few weeks to xmas and i know for some of you it will be your first.It will be an emotional day for you all, but you will get through it.xx

LollopyBear Fri 09-Nov-12 23:59:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummylin Sat 10-Nov-12 11:33:04

Oh dear LollopyBear what a terribly sad post from you.I hope that by chatting to us all on here we can help you in some small way.You have undeniably gone through such a conflict of emotions.I think we have all found it so hard to accept that our loved ones have gone .Sometimes it feels like its not real and we will just wake from this nightmare and find that its not true.It sounds a bit odd to say welcome to this thread,but i hope you know what i mean.It is sometimes very difficult to speak to people in R/L as you get the feeling they dont really want to talk/ listen after a while.So nothing gets said and it all gets bottled up inside.All of us on here have found it helps to be able to discuss our worries/ fears.and especially when we have felt so low, It realy helps to be able to speak to people in the same position.

ssd Sat 10-Nov-12 13:50:02

oh LollopyBear, that's so sad, I'm so sorry. Your emotions must be all over the place, 2 life changing events happening at once. Do you have support, I hope so. Keep posting here, you will get support, I promise you x

mummylin, I cant buy a card or a plant for her yet, its too soon..buying it would just feel too empty, like why am I doing this , shes gone...but just looking at stuff and talking to her in my head about it is OK, because I feel we still have some connection there

daft I know, thanks for the suggestion anyway x

mummylin Sat 10-Nov-12 15:44:37

ssd your mum has not gone completely ,she has left her legacy to the world and that is you !! She will never be gone whilst her genes are carried forward in this generation and the ones to follow.Im sorry you dont feel up to buying a card yet,but one day im sure you will.Everything takes time to adjust to and you must do what you think is best for yourself.But speaking for myself for me last xmas mum had been gone about 7 weeks and i did take her a card and i also put up an old one from her to me,for me it worked and i felt that i was still giving mum a little gift.Of course we are all different and what worked for me may not work for anyone else.i wish in a way we could fast forward to this time next year,when hopefully we should all be feeling much more accepting of the situation we have all found ourselves in.We will all get there ssd,you included xx

ssd Sat 10-Nov-12 16:17:47

I know you're right mummylin

I'm just scared getting there means forgetting mum somehow,I know thats stupid though x

LollopyBear Sat 10-Nov-12 17:03:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummylin Sat 10-Nov-12 17:29:06

O ssd poor you .Of course you are not going to forget your mum ! whatever makes you think that ? I am sure like all of our parents we have lost they will always be in our minds and hearts.that will never change.Just because they are not here in the physical sense does not change how we do/ will feel the love for them.
LollopyBear Of course you will be upset when you go for the first time,but it does get a lot better and i actually enjoy going there now because i feel i am doing something for mum by taking her new flowers. I have a little chat .I still have it in my head she can see me !Of course i would rather i did not have to go but i cant change what has happened so that is my way of still connecting to her.
We also had babies on the way when my mum died ,my sister was expecting twins and mum did not live to see them born.She was so excited because we had never had twins in our family before. BUT if it wasnt for my mum they would not be here ,because obviously if my sister hadnt been born etc ect.!
It will be a difficult time for you at xmas ,but on the other hand ,how lovely to be able to celebrate your little babies first xmas.
For all of us the best way to remember our loved ones is to always talk about them and include them in conversations and by reminiscing over their photos.This is so hard.Do you know i always used to dread this time coming,i never knew how awful my mum must of felt when her mum,my grandmother died.

gymboywalton Sat 10-Nov-12 20:50:16

i have just spotted this thread-i hope you don't mind me joining in.
my dad died just before christmas last year.
he was ill but his passing was a huge shock-not expecting it to happen whennit did at all. he literally just dropped dead.

i have been ok-i have my ups and down days and moments but i largely feel at peace with him dying-he was suffering and now he is not.

However i am feeling bad about christmas-am just dreading it-get all panicky when i see trees in the shops etc. Last christmas was horrific ad this year-i just want to pretend it's not happening.

mummylin Sat 10-Nov-12 22:08:25

gymboywalton this thread is for anyone who feels the need for support for the same reason as all of us.Of course we dont mind !It sounds like you are more or less in the same position as i am ,my mum died 7 weeks before xmas last year and i too dreaded it,but with my families help i coped quite well.Mums death was also very unexpected and i think the shock of it will never go away.But in saying that i am grateful that she didnt have to suffer any serious illnesses and was active even on the day before she died.I think i will be ok this year at xmas,i will light candles for her and take flowers and myabe even a little xmas tree to the cemetery.I will still make her a part of our xmas.
I have been ok for the last few days ,but this evening i heard the song " cant live if living is without you " and it cut me to the quick.Now i am back down in the dumps.Hopefully my mood will improve tomorrow.
I am sorry you have had to join this thread too but it does help to talk to others.I hope you will get some comfort in the fact that your dad is not now suffering,although i know you wish he was here with you.

gymboywalton Sat 10-Nov-12 23:02:39

it was his funeral on the 21st december
the day he died i missed all the phone calls trying to reach me because i was wathing my son's nativity play

i remember driving along in the funeral car and there being christmas lights everywhere and a santa tipped his hat to us.

ssd Sun 11-Nov-12 10:57:55

oh gymboywalton, thats so sad

not much to say other than I know how your'e feeling x

mummylin Sun 11-Nov-12 15:43:00

I have just had such a sad text from one of my best friends to say her brother has been found dead.I know he is a lot younger than us.I would of gone round but her other brother is on the way.i dont know anything more but will speak to her tonight.she gave me a lot of support when my mum died.God life is shit sometimes isnt it.We had the two minute silence this morning at my gs football and all i could think of was my mum and my sister.
gymboy I dont know how you got through Xmas last year seeing as it was so close for you.It must of been a terrible ordeal.ssd i hope you are feeling ok.x

Galaxymum Sun 11-Nov-12 18:13:08

Aww gymboy - I think you did amazingly well to get through Christmas last year.

I feel the same as several of you - I am dreading Christmas. Every time I say something DH basically says I have to make an effort for DD. It just seems to trigger tears for me - it's facing Christmas for the first time without my mum and not AT my mum's. I've never had Christmas dinner not made by her. She always spoilt ME. MIL said something last night that just wrecked me - I said no thanks to a coat for Xmas and she said "Oh we'll just give you money in an envelope then." I cried all night and a lot of today - so silly but just the thought that I am so unspecial! My mum and I always treated each other and we'd go to craft fairs at this time and buy little things for each other. It's that run up to Xmas and all the little rituals that will no longer happen.

t875 Sun 11-Nov-12 22:19:27

Lollopybear - when i read your post, i couldnt believe it, how very hard for you, i thought it was bad for me what happened but i couldnt imagine the pain and the emotions what you went through losing your dad after giving birth, my heart goes out to you.

Sharing memories of our mums, well mum breezed through life, even if there was something wrong you wouldn't have known at all. She im sure is a wonderful angel up there and she was an angel down here, she would do anything for anyone, so very special, she had funny quirky words she would say, like shut the front room door, she'd say "shut the gate", she was so funny, warm, larger than life, always smelt lovely, hair had to look perfect, mrs bouquet comes to mind. I loved talking with her about tips how to make things better, we done craft stuff, making cards, we would watch QVC together, tbh i still do, i put it on on the hopes she is there, im sure she is. smile
god i do miss her so much.

When i don't get on here, you guys are in my thoughts, i have been ok, wimpery moments, feeling sad here and there especially with the flipping Christmas adverts!! Talk about overkill!!

SSD - i watched Gordon smith and he blew me away! I could not believe how brilliant he was. So sad some of the stories though.

my thoughts are with you and you are ok'ish xx

Beachcombergirl Sun 11-Nov-12 22:59:00

It's been just over 4 weeks since mum died suddenly. I am finding being an orphan in my 30s unbearable. I just feel so frightened and fear this heartache will never end. I just want to call my mum for a chat. I want her to continue sharing the joy that my new baby girl had given her. I am so sad and worry I'm being a terrible mum. I was so happy being a new mum but now I just feel heavy hearted and alone. I fear the day when my dd outgrows the last clothes my mum bought and made her. I wonder what she was going to buy her for christmas. Now we will never share that joy. I can't see how I will possibly feel any better.

Ihatecobwebs Sun 11-Nov-12 23:18:24

Hi

I would like to join if I may.

According to RL I should be "over it" by now, but I'm not. I still miss my dad so much. I try to avoid talking about him, because it upsets me very easily, and I find it hard to talk to my DS about him. DS never met him, so he can't really understand who I'm talking about.

t875 Sun 11-Nov-12 23:47:25

Beachcombgirl - It is very very hard at the stage you are at, i felt exactly like you, i was crying loads, angry, stressed, very very dark place, i tried to keep keeping my self afloat as i was starting to feel i was heading down depressions way. I spoke a lot about my mum, i went through all the motions guilt, disbelief and still do..especially now!
I'm sure you are a great mum and your mum will be guiding you and your little girl all the time. But I can imagine hearing this is so very very unbelievable as i had all this said to me and thought it at the time. Maybe you could give something of your mums to your little girl, or get a plant you can water and she could help you water indoors.

I have kept the clothes so far from my mum for my girls, i cant bear to move them. cyber hugs to you and always here for you xx

Ihatecobwebs - i am so sorry to hear of your loss of your dad, so very very hard , please come here anytime, this thread has been very comforting and we are all different stages too. Take care and do what you have to do to find comfort, i do find talking does help but we are all different, maybe you could write a diary about how you feel and what you would like to say to him, im sure he and your loved ones in spirit will be around you and your dc all the time, i really believe they dont leave us and they are always there, although some days i find this hard to believe, i guess its what gives you comfort and this and spirituality has helped me and comforted me but i respect also we are all different with our beliefs. Cyber hugs to you too. x

Galaxymum Mon 12-Nov-12 10:19:29

Beachcombergirl - I think you are being so brave at such a difficult time. It's horrible finding you are an orphan and just trying to get your head (and feelings) around it. My DH just doesn't get why I am so upset about it and says "Well you're a parent now." - it's not the same at all. I am thinking of you and your little girl. Can I suggest maybe making a book for her? Your memories, and also photos and little sentimental objects you can add. My mum made a grandparents book for my DD and I'm really treasuring it for her. But I think it may help you to put in the good memories while they feel very fresh.

I feel the same as t875 - you guys are all in my thoughts even when I don't get on here. I'm thinking of you all and know you're all going through a difficult time.

mummylin Mon 12-Nov-12 11:08:43

The thing is ,we may be all parents but we are also someones child.And now we are someone who has lost our beloved mum / dad or both.We feel so lost and alone.It makes no difference that we are all adults.Quite simply we love and miss them so much.Why do people expect us to have "got over it".I know i will never ever get over losing my mum although i do expect the grief to lassen ,but i have no idea when that will be,at the moment i still even after a whole year relive that last day.For the newcomers on here ,i am so sorry that you are feeling this terrible pain.For outsiders who still have their parents it is difficult to comprehend just how painful and sad it has made us feel.beachcomber It is such early days for you, its no wonder you are feelin so bad.I would suggest that you make a memory box of the little clothes your mum gave to your little daughter and keep them.
Ihatecobwebs Could you spend some time talking to your DS about his grandad and show him photos to bring him alive in your ds's mind.I know you said it upsets you to talk about him , but maybe this would bring you some comfort too.Smile about the funny things he did /said.Such an awful time for everyone ,but for now i have to put my grief on hold and support my friend who has lost her brother just yesterday.This terrible heartache is happening everyday for someone.Its horrible to wake in the morning and all is well ,then one small phone call and the life you knew has gone forever. I think nearer xmas i will start a thread for us to send a message to our loved ones,What does everyone think of that idea ?

ssd Mon 12-Nov-12 16:59:30

I think that's a brilliant idea mummylin, that would be so nice, to feel we're doing something for our mums/dads at Xmas rather than wanting so much to do something but in reality doing nothing because they're not there anymore

I agree with so many posts here and I identity with the pain and loss we all feel

thank god for everyone here, its such a safe place to come to and say how we feel and know others get it without a big explanation required

you do have to lose a parent you have been really close to to understand this feeling of complete loss and bewilderment

a woman I know at school is unwell just now and she has her mum collecting her kids every day and making them all tea...what happens to girls like us who have no mum now to help us out? what do we do when we're not well or god forbid, really ill? me and dh have no parents at all now, we have no family that could or would help us out..who do we turn to? there's no one there

I understand galaxymum saying who makes her feel special now? I feel like that, no one calls me darling now, its all gone, all the love and history we had with our mums, I don't know where it went, its all disappeared

I keep thinking, where did you go mum? at the school gates today, that was the time everyday I called her on my mobile, every day at 3.15ish for years...today I thought, maybe me and mum could have s secret, I wouldn't tell anyone, not a soul, just if I could once call her number and she answers again and tells me about her day, just me and her talking again for a few mins before the kids come out...just a secret between me and her

but it wont happen, ever again and its too sad to think about

many many hugs to us all xxxx

Lovely idea mummylin - sometimes it helps just to know that others know about my Mum.

Sorry there are more people joining - obviously very welcome - it just means more sadness sad I honestly had no idea that losing a parent would make me feel so rootless and bereft... It does help to know that I'm not alone...

I spent the morning with some friends and ended up in tears - they're always so close to the surface. This weekend of Remembrance has been hard. My grandad was in the RAF so at least I can imagine Mum seeing her Dad again - I really hope they're together.

Sending all my love to all of you - I am reading all of your messages xx

mummylin Tue 13-Nov-12 12:46:04

hello to you all.Its a lovely thought that all our loved ones have now met up with past family members.I hope its true because that would give me hope that one day i will see my mum again.I dont know if anyone saw the story in the paper about the lady who says dead son guides her hand to write messages to her from him. There is a book out about it ,but ive now forgotten the title.If i can find out i may have a read of that.I know you can get it on amazon.And i think it has the name Anthony in the title,but not sure about that.Well its dark and dismal here today so i have made the first winter stew !! i love the smell wafting through the house.Made an effort yesterday and did some xmas shopping ,but got very annoyed in a couple of shops.I think its all stress realated.Popped to see my poor friend last night.It has bought back all the times when my sister died.She is devastated,which i do understand, sadly only too well.

Yum stewsmile it's dreary here too so I've made scones!

Well done for doing a bit of Christmas shopping - I've barely started, can't seem to get enthusiastic, but dd is of course very excited so must make an effort for hersmile I have got a few Sylvanian bits squirrelled away in the boot of the car....

Interesting about the book - I don't know whether reading it would make me feel better or worsehmm I haven't had any signs of messages from Mum, maybe I'm too dense and cynical to spot them. Mum you need to be a bit more obviousgrin

mignonette Tue 13-Nov-12 13:47:51

Watched 'Elizabethtown' last night.....Big mistake seeing as my own Father only died a few months ago and now I am a mess again.

Beautiful film but OMG devastatingly upsetting for the newly bereaved.

lancarra1 Tue 13-Nov-12 14:04:28

My dear dad died on 3/11/12, I am dreading the funeral on 23/11. I have adhd which will make it overwhelming ,I cannot take anything as I have to drive 130 miles to get there. I still can't believe he has gone, I keep thinking of things I want to tell him. I am a single parent of four and I find I can manage day to day stuff but no extras as my mind is full thinking about it.

mummylin Tue 13-Nov-12 14:07:26

I think for most of us ,the grief can suddenly hit us when we least expect it.Its probably a normal reaction ,but its all so bloody painful isnt it.I am going to try and find the book by searching the name Anthony.will let you know if i find it.

mignonette Tue 13-Nov-12 14:10:18

I know, I know Lancarra. There are few words for how hard these first few weeks can be. My memory is still shot to pieces and i have unpredictable responses and feelings. I know 'telling him' is not the same now he has died but could you have a quiet moment just to write down what is in your mind and tuck it into his coffin?

I read the eulogy at my Fathers funeral-quite a long one as the vicar gave me free reign. You do not have to do that of course, but maybe talk with family and his friends and write your own? it is an eye opener, the things you learn about those you may feel you know well....

Manage the day to day stuff-do no more and keep reminding folks around you that you are in the eye of grief's storm. They can tend to forget....

All my love to you sad

lancarra1 Tue 13-Nov-12 14:17:12

Thanks migonette, I would love to be able to read at the funeral but I just would not be able to, I will spend the whole day in tears as the minute someone mentions it thats me going, with adhd its like I have no control over it. My mum thinks its being strong by not crying but thats not me.

mummylin Tue 13-Nov-12 14:56:53

lancarra1 i am sorry to read of your dear dads death.We all understand exactly how awful it is, and for you at the start of your grief we know it is almost intolerable.All of us here have gone / going through the same awful process so hopefully it will help you to be able to chat to people who are going through the same thing. I too would just say to you get through one day at a Time as best that you can.
maybeyoushoulddrive I have found it !! its called Talking to Tony.I have bought it to come to my kindle but just realised its out of battery,so i will get it later.It says it will bring comfort to grieving people ,but i will decide for myself when i have read it.

mignonette Tue 13-Nov-12 17:00:19

There is no 'strong' or not strong. Allow your natural responses to come through. I used the fear of reading in front of a congregation of 250 to power myself through it but I had a major wobble at the wake when my Uncle stood up to leave and I suddenly saw my Father's face looking back at me from his-they are so alike.

I am having a bad day and now my cat is missing. It is all so unpredictable, grief.

Oh lancarra I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad - you've found the right thread to speak to people who understand. I couldn't do a reading at Mum's funeral (knew I would break down), but the Priest came and talked to us for a couple of hours about Mum and ours lives with her, and his eulogy captured Mum pretty perfectly. We even ended up laughing at one point, which is lovely to remember.

mignonette I'm sorry to hear about your cat. It's hard to deal with something like that at any time, but when you're grieving anything can be too much to deal with. I hope you find him/her asap.

I second mignonette's words about reminding people you are grieving. They certainly can forget unbearably quickly and show complete lack of understanding at times. Feel free to sound off here!

Will be interested to know about the book mummylin!

ssd Tue 13-Nov-12 18:33:47

sorry to hear about your friend mummylin, sad news sad

and welcome lancarra, sorry you are here too sad

maybe, " I honestly had no idea that losing a parent would make me feel so rootless and bereft... "...you've summed it all up totally for me

the Xmas shopping hasn't started here yet either, cant get onto it yet, will be hard going for all of us this year

and second mignonette re folk forgetting you are grieving, I find this one of the hardest things to cope with too

t875 Wed 14-Nov-12 09:36:54

i agree with migmonette Lancarra so very sorry to hear about your dad, the beginning is massively hard, i wrote a few notes and put a few pictures in with my mum i also put a teddy in with her and i kept a heart button off it, so in a way i felt a connection..i also got the girls to do her a picture and also my husband ( he thoughts the world of her and her to him) a lovely note.
Talk to him my belief is he can hear you, but i so know it isn't the same, as i find out even from 7 months on.
please come here when you need too talk, this thread is very supportive.

maybeishoulddrive i do believe they are together up there, ive heard and read a lot to bolster this belief for me i do take great comfort from that.

mummylin i think that would be a lovely idea, also i was picturing the stew bubbling away although very difficult the moving on, im also trying to do the same here, as like you maybe - the kids wont let me bypass it. Im also thinking of Christmas presents, but cant until i get paid! smile

My dad doesn't seem to be doing so well at the moment, im keeping a close eye on him, he seems to be having a lot more sad/depressing days, my brother doesn't talk about my mum much so my dad doesn't feel he can talk to him so i get it all, some days it stresses me, but ill always be there for him to make him feel better. People are constantly telling me i must think more of myself, but ive always been that type of person.

hi ssd and anyone else on the thread, thinking of you all. x

mignonette Wed 14-Nov-12 09:40:29

I found my cat dead this morning. He has been such a comfort to me since my Father died this summer. I feel deranged with grief today and have had to take the day off to hole up in my bedroom.

Beachcombergirl Wed 14-Nov-12 09:48:57

Sitting here feeding my baby crying. Just want to call my mum for a chat

Beachcombergirl Wed 14-Nov-12 09:50:20

Mignonette I am so sorry you poor thing.

Oh mignonette I'm so so sorry, I'm glad you've taken the day off, do you have anyone with you or can call for a coffee?

Beachcombergirl big hugs to you (not very MNy I know but I think acceptable on this thread!) This is still very early days for you, it's so hard.

That feeling of just wanting a chat is exactly how I feel - there are so many things I want to tell Mum and just gossip with her. I don't think there's anyone else I have that kind of intimate relationship with, dh doesn't want to talk about the latest soap/celebrity up to no good etc!

t875 my Dad is struggling too. Like you I listen, but he just wants his wife backsad I'm sure you're a huge comfort to your Dad, but it's hard to know what to say isn't it?

t875 Wed 14-Nov-12 10:07:33

oh mignonette how awful for you, i cant begin to know what to say..huge hugs to you, i remember how cut up i was about our dog and it was still a bad grief. I would seriously see how you go, i have said this on this thread again, i used CRUSE phone line a few times when i was really bad, they were great..great listeners but they also said comforting things.
take care, lots of love to you. x

Beachcombegirl - same to you hun, i feel for you really bloody tough going, i have plenty of days like that, huge hugs to you. Is there anyone you can call to just have a chat, i find when i feel like that i write a diary, and i just talk to her, i swear my neighbours must think ive lost the plot, or if there is a plant or anything she will like you could take comfort looking at it grow in her memory? will say the same about cruse, although you have us they are very good, and you don't even have to say your name. xx

t875 Wed 14-Nov-12 10:12:47

maybeishoulddrive - Its very hard to know what to say sad sometimes, i don't want to sound flippant, as it would be good to slowly move on but keeping mum with us all the time, he said this this morning, as its so hard as he keeps going to the places they used too go to, and i know its horrendously hard, but i don't know whether him going to these places is helping him he gets her picture out at the table sad ..i just don't know i wish my brother would do more, im surprised im still married, as if i was with a bloke who was selfish it would be very hard to have been there for him as much, well i still would have been but it would have been hard. It is hard though isnt it? Have you got brothers or sisters?

mignonette Wed 14-Nov-12 10:19:35

I cannot talk for crying so Cruseline probably out of the question today and my poor son failed his driving test which he had to do only an hour after we found the cat.

God what a horrid day.

Beachcombergirl Wed 14-Nov-12 10:21:27

And thank you to you all for your lovely suggestions of ways my dd can leant to know mum x

t875 Wed 14-Nov-12 10:45:58

oh mignonette what a massively horrendous day!! I am not massively religious but my word i pray things turn around, how very awful. It is so very hard, the void is massive, my friends dont fully understand what im going through, really hard, we are here for you, i wish i knew you in rl to be living near. Can you call your husband to come home and be with you hun?? i know of no help atall but massive hugs to you xx

mummylin Wed 14-Nov-12 14:52:10

Oh my goodness what a horrible time some of you are having today.I am so sorry about your cat mignonette i suppose you feel that your crutch has now been taken away from you.And your poor son having to take his driving test so soon after finding that sad news out.
Beachcombergirl I am sorry you are feeling things so badly today and you have been in tears.Its all so damn hard isnt it.
I do chat away to my mum as if she is here in the hope that she can really hear me ! I talk to her picture i talk to her at the cemetery and sometimes i am just sending thoughs to her when i am just sitting down. I have to do this as it makes me feel i am still in touch.
t875 its very sad that your dad is in such a bad place still.I understand what you mean about visiting places he used to visit with your mum.Is it making him sad to go there or is it bringing him pleasure and good memories.Difficult isnt it. I will never go to Barcelona again because that is where i was last on holiday with my mum.[ and had my purse stolen from my bag !]
I have had some bad news today but its not anything to do with a death so wont go on about it.
How is it that some people go through life having bad luck and sad things happening and some people sail through life with no problems at all ? its all beyond me.
How i wish that i could help to fix everyones problems.

mignonette Wed 14-Nov-12 17:31:42

Thank you everybody. MN has really kept me going today on one of the worse days i can remember in all it's cumulative miserable-ness.

Wishing us all a calm evening and a better day tomorrow. XX

ssd Wed 14-Nov-12 18:23:00

mignonette and beachcombergirl, I'm sorry, I really am. I hear what you both say and I want to hug you both (and get a hug back grin)

its just so shit it really is

I'm way up and down too, still cant believe it all, cant get it out my head

I wish, like mummylin I could take away everyone s pain, but sadly that impossible

thanks to everyone here for all the honest though heartrending posts, I don't feel so alone and isolated when I know you all feel the same in your own way...I hate anyone feeling so bereft like this but it helps to know I'm not mad but just going through grieving and its normal to feel so low and lost

we need a meet up girls, wish we weren't all spread around the country like we are!

ssd Wed 14-Nov-12 18:31:09

hi t875,, I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I had similar with my mum when dad died 14 yrs ago, its just been me and mum since then, (well until now, I nearly put a full stop after writing that,wowsad )

all you can do is keep your dad company when you can, I remember wanting to move in with mum but ds was a baby and it wouldn't have worked, I spent a lot of time with her trying to make her feel better, I hope I did but I knew I couldnt make up for my dad

I remember asking her, a few years later, if she'd got over dad dying, her face absolutely fell and straight away I saw I'd said something stupid, it was still raw for her, years later

I now feel like she must have felt then and I cringe at my crassness

and like you my siblings were crap sad

I'm sorry, hugs to you too x

mignonette Wed 14-Nov-12 18:53:01

ssd

Sending you (((( hugs ))))

ssd Wed 14-Nov-12 19:22:01

thank you x

t875 Wed 14-Nov-12 20:29:02

Ssd - you shouldn't think that your mum was so pleased to have your comfort, care and support when you lost your dad. Crap isn't the word, its all very very hard isnt it, And
ill tell ya, im that much closer to finding some sort of spiritual guidance, i definitely need to try to have some sort of communication with her, i miss her so much!! Cant bloody believe it still some days!!

mummylin, i hope you and your family are ok, we are here if you need to talk to anyone about your bad news you received. Yeah it is hard with my dad as i wonder if im saying the right thing im no expert on these things. He went out today on a huge bus ride and found the place where he met her, and he even had chips at the same cafe..oh it just breaks my heart. sad

mignonette - Here anytime for you, Hope your feeling a little better now, ive been thinking of you.

a nice cup of hot chocolate with cream and sprinkles for us all! brew or for anyone who needs something stronger wine

Thinking of you all x

t875 Wed 14-Nov-12 20:29:57

oh and {{{hugs}}} ssd, and anyone who needs one.

mummylin Wed 14-Nov-12 23:13:26

I cant bloody believe what a shit week this has become .Had a call from some of our footi friends about an hour ago.The husbands mum has just died tonight!!They are having a terrible week of it ,his brother already in hospital this week having a brain tumour removed and he lives with the mum who has just died .God that poor poor family.Our family problem is nothing compared with theirs.I am thankful that i only had one bad thing at a time to deal with.Think i will stay in bed the rest of this week with my phone turned off and not wake till this week is over.Ps ,not too impressed with the book, all seems very far fetched to me.Think i wasted my money.

t875 Wed 14-Nov-12 23:21:29

oh my word mummylin, that is absolutely horrendous what your friends are going through. I could swear but best not. What an unthinkable time they are having and its just not bloody fair!! Jesus, i hope things turn around how awful!! sad

ssd Thu 15-Nov-12 09:38:48

hi mummylin.. that's awful, getting news like that when so much else is going on , the poor family...its true what you said about some people seem to sail through life and others get shit dropped on them from a great height sadsorry your book isn't working for you either

t875, your poor dad, being so upset like that, its just heartbreaking sad and you having to watch him whilst grieving yourself, its just so very hard..let me know how you get on with the spiritual side of things, I;m definitely a believer too..although as time goes on I wonder, I just dont know

I went through some of mum and dads things last night, I cant believe the things they kept...things there from their parents in the first world war, such history...I wish I'd asked mum more and wrote it all down, I'll never know things now...my gran was married in 1913..wow nearly 100 yrs ago...where does all that experience and history go, it all just disappears..makes you wonder why we bother and what we're doing here if we just disappear one day too

mignonette Thu 15-Nov-12 11:28:35

sad for all of us....(((((( hugs ))))))

mummylin Thu 15-Nov-12 11:56:00

I have lots of old photos from my grandparents and my mum ,but i dont have a clue who all the people are.Some of them in military uniform.Just goes to show its best to write on the backs of them for future generations. Yes the poor family are going through a terrible time of it.I have sent a message of condolence but not spoken to them yet.I am speaking to my other friend on and off all day as she is also in limbo not knowing how her brother has died,when he will be returned here etc.I have to say my own problems have been sort of put to the background this week as i have been receiving such bad news from everyone else. It is my turn to support them as they did when my mum died.But i am beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed with everything i must admit.Why does everything come at once ? The thing is ,i cant really help any of them,only listen and be there ,but cant physically do anything.Well,i hope nothing else gonna go wrong for any of my friends or family today ! And of course the same goes for all of you. x

Galaxymum Thu 15-Nov-12 11:59:07

Hi mummylin - so sorry to hear you've had bad news at such a difficult time. Sending you big hugs - everyone is so kind and thoughtful on here, and you've been really helpful in your posts to me. Big hugs to you.

Mignonette - been thinking of you over your horrid day.

Well, Tuesday I made a huge effort and went back to the farm cafe that was mum's favourite. I hadn't been since she was taken into hospital in Feb...then last week I asked DH to go with me as I really missed the place, and felt I needed to break the cycle. We'd had a nice time and because it was mum's favourite it meant we had a giggle about memories. Anyway Tuesday I took the plunge and went on my own. I was so pleased as the waitress remembered my mum and said what mum always had - then as she brought my latte, she said "You're sitting where your muma lways sat. That's lovely." - I was so glad I did it as I wasn't looking at an empty seat, but felt some comfort. I've avoided these places but it made me feel closer.

I lost my spiritual side when my dad died in 1998. Mum was so stricken with grief and it just felt he was snatched away. He had just retired, it was 6 weeks before my wedding, and he'd only had 6 weeks to come to terms with terminal cancer. I had gone to church befor ethat but it all felt wrong. Now my mum has gone, I feel so bereft and that finality is terrifying....I do wonder if I went to church or explored my spiritual side it would help. I must admit I so want to find a white feather but since mum died I've felt no "feeling" from her whatsoever and it's hard.

I am sitting with my dad in the care home. He is refusing food and drink and his breathing is very fast. We have been here before. Very up and down this year, but I think this is it sad
He has no quality of life left and I thought I might feel relief, but I just feel drained and desperately sad.
He isn't responding to me, but that's no different from usual (he has advanced Alzheimer's)
Hope everyone else is having a better day!

mummylin Thu 15-Nov-12 12:24:13

YouveCatToBeKittenMe sending you some extra strength to help you through at this sad time.Please post when you need some support.Are you there on your own with your dad ? Is there someone else that could come and sit with you ?
galaxymum well done for going to the cafe on your own.I am glad that the staff there remembered your mum.There are supposed to be other signs as well as the white feather.Such as lights flickering.Maybe you will get something like that.You may find a feather when you are not actually looking for one.I am not religeous at all but feel if you can go about life helping where you can and being kind to people that is enough for me.Our nephew has a farm cafe but its up in Derby quite a way from here.They think if i go there they will get me on one of their horses ! i doubt that very much [ never in a month of Sundays ]

mignonette Thu 15-Nov-12 17:16:09

Thinking of you all too- Galaxy how wonderful that the waitress remembered your Mother. I find I crave anecdotes and memories about my Father and of course now all I want to do is talk about my cat and it seems pretty trivial in the face of losing a person, i know.

You'veCat - I am thinking of you in your vigil with your Father. Whether he responds to you or not in a manner you recognise, he will have an awareness of warmth, comfort, safety and familiarity of sound/smell. DH was a senior nurse manager of a dementia unit for quite some time and he is adamant about these things. He sends love and comfort your way....

Beachcombergirl Thu 15-Nov-12 20:37:06

Youvecattobekittenme we lost my dad 2 years ago in very similar circumstances. He had dementia and my siblings, my mum and I kept vigil for weeks. It was a tough time but looking back I am so glad we were there for dad until the end and even though he didn't respon to us in the end, I think here was some recognition that he wasn't alone. Knowing we did our best by him is a great source of comfort in time too. Big hugs to you. You are being so brave. X

Beachcombergirl Thu 15-Nov-12 20:41:17

Ssd I know what you mean about the photos. Mum did start to write who was who on some of the photos but we have lots where we just don't know who people are. Mum had an incredible wealth of family knowledge and its all gone now. If only I'd asked her more. I was going o be. Spending so much time with her over the next few months as I'm on mat leave and that was my plan. Too late now.

ssd Thu 15-Nov-12 20:49:47

Galaxymum, I'm sorry you've not had any signs yet, I'm sure you will though, when you least expect it...how lovely that the waitress remembered your mum, I'm finding I want to talk about my mum all the time but have so few people to talk to about her that knew her, I don't have anyone that lives in her village to visit and that's where people knew her..although TBH most of her friends are passed away now or are in a home

mummylin, I;m sure you just being there for your friend is enough, sharing the grief with someone who understands is really important, I can imagine you'll be a great listener too

YouveCatToBeKittenMe , I'm sorry about your dad. My mum was very old and frail before she died and I was sort of grieving for the mum I know before she died. But losing her has given me absolutely no relief. I'm a bit offended when people say to me aren't you relieved now. I'm just sorry. keep posting here, you need to let it out.

thoughts to us all xx

So much sadness on heresad thanks for everyone and hugs too.

You'veCattoBeKittenMe your presence will be a comfort I've no doubt. Apparently hearing is the last sense to go, so keep talking if you can, your Dad may not recognise you but he will know that he has someone wilth him who cares about him. Such a tough thing to go through. We sat with Mum for her last few days, she was never alone, and it does comfort me to know that we were there.

GalaxyMum - well done for going to the cafe on your own! How lovely that the waitress recognised you, and talked about your Mum. I too crave the opportunity to talk about Mum, keeping her memory alive I guess.

Mummylin such sad sad news about your friends. You will be a comfort to them I'm sure, but look after yourself too, it's hard to support others when you so need support yourself.

We've piles of photos at my parents house, many we've no idea who they are etc. I keep saying we must write on the backs of photos but in the digital age when I take thousands of photos that probably wont happen! My dsis has made up my parents wedding photos in an album so we've left them with Dad to put names on a list so we at least know who went to their weddinggrin

We've had a day out to the Tower of London today - school closed for polling - so I'm off to bed now exhausted. Fingers crossed for a less stressful tomorrow xx

Ihatecobwebs Thu 15-Nov-12 21:36:17

Had a bad day yesterday, didn't sleep properly, and have just found it very hard to function today.
Was doing alright until I had my cohort interview. I'm part of a group who has been studied since birth, and take part in regular interviews, questionnaires etc etc. (Turns out the sort of stats which say "if your mother/father etc did x/y/z before you were born, during your childhood etc, you are more likely to be a/b/c now).
Interviewer went through an update of living relatives, and just to check they have correc info - so had to go through the "no, dad is dead" stuff (plus both of my PILS). (DS only has one grandparent left, my mother.)

Then, late evening, a friend contacts me, as his father has just been diagnosed with what my dad died from, and he wanted to ask questions, and find out about it (more than just the medical stuff his father has been told). I did it because he's a friend, and I know now what I would have wanted to know then but nobody told me, but it has made me relive the last three years of dad's "medical history" life, and now all I want to do is cry all the time again. Didn't sleep much last night, and have been trying to act "normal" all day, when all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry.

Signed a form to withdraw intervention for dad before I came home. That was about the last straw and I sobbed all the way home. I am just so sad and tired of doing it all myself. My sister just leaves everything to me. She has done since he was diagnosed. She doesn't want to see him which is fair enough as he looks awful, but I am l left to sort it all out. Have posted on bereavement too.

I can't be with him constantly. I have to come home for the DC's. I know I won't be there when he goes, but at least he will be somewhere he is familiar with rather than in hospital now.
There is no one else to sit with him. Unfortunately my aunt went into hospital today for a op so I haven't been able to update her. She will be so upset not to have seen him and she won't be able to travel for a few days. I have phoned my uncle but neither of them can get to him anyway.

I too have a lot of photos to sort. A whole chest of drawers at dad's house. I have been intermittently clearing the house for almost 2 years but it's hard when there's only me and DH doing it and it's not very close by.

Thankyou for all your kind words. Sorry to hear so many others going through tough times too.
Every time the phone rings I jump.

mummylin Thu 15-Nov-12 23:02:59

Oh this thread is full of such sadness isnt it. Each of us suffering the same terrible mixed up feelings.
kitten I feel so sorry that you have such sad times ahead of you,but i hope when it comes that your dear dad will just pass peacefully.Im sure he will know that you are by him and this will give him such comfort.What a tremendous strain you must be under at the moment.
I must say when i look at some of the old photos i cant help but think everyone in them looks so stern ! i think if i had been a child in long ago days and met one of them i would of been scared of them.
I too take lots of digi photos,thats fine for now ,but i know im never going to print them all.I really must start putting them on to discs.

ssd Fri 16-Nov-12 09:41:18

hi everyone

you're right mummylin, it is just so very sad., all of it

last night I went to a shopping mall trying to get into Xmas, but I don't know why, I just get so sad surrounded by people, its not as if me and mum went shopping all the time, I got her shopping/gifts/cards etc and if I took her she was in a wheelchair and it was hard going.

but all I could think when I was walking around was "I don't have a mum now" and it was just flooring me..I know my mum had to go, she had literally reached the end of her life, I seen it in her, but now the loss of both my parents is just killing me. As another poster here said I feel so bereft and rootless. its like I've been blown away into the world and I've got no base any more. I love dh and my kids, but they don't seem like my base, my parents were and now they're both gone its just awful, like the worlds been blown apart. Really strange.

I want to be 10 again and come home from school and my mum cooks me dinner and dad comes home from work. I grew up like an only child, I have older siblings but they left home when I was young, I was a late baby. maybe because of this I was very close to my mum and dad, then when dad died I seen mum every week as siblings have lived 100's of miles away for 30 odd years, so its just been me and mum for years. Today she died 11 weeks ago and when I think of that I think oh god mum, I'm sorry I've not visited you for so long, I don't know why, I'll come out today...I seen her every single week for the last 20 odd years. I know she had to die but I cant believe it. My sister is visiting soon, god that'll be fun. She always left everything and I mean everything to me.....she came here the day before mums funeral and left the day after.....she wanted to go out to dinner the night before the funeral," oh it'd be so nice we can all go out to dinner and it'll be lovely", ...of course I didn't go, so she told me what a lovely night they all had and what I had missed. like I should have gone..she didn't get the fact I was almost comatose with grief and stayed in my room all day...now she'll tell me about the lovely family Xmas she'll have this year with her grown up children and neighbours and how much she's looking forward to it...its all just super

<sigh>

t875 Fri 16-Nov-12 10:47:49

ssd you are still very early in your grief, this is what i was like at the begining i still get them feelings now but it must be so very hard for you with what you are going through with the loss of both your parents, i am dreading the time when that comes, i think id have to study to be a medium! sad its just crap isnt it, where do my friends get off shoving Christmas in my face, like im 'excited'

i had a very bad spell last night, had a big panic attack blaming myself, felt like shouting, the grief was raw as anything!!! I felt very stressed and upset, i just keep thinking i could have done more to stop it, but again i know too that i couldn't!! Silly things, my mum used to get me the little packets of tissues, well they are all gone now, this is my last packet!! I want her to get me more!! Omg i miss her loads!

Kitten - i feel for you so much what you are going through i couldn't imagine, you poor thing. We are here for you, and like mummylin said he can hear you and knows your there, but my god it must be very hard for you.
Thinking of you and know we are right by your side.

some days i believe in the feathers and some days i don't, but they do make me smile, they say ask your angels for a feather or a sign, might be a song on a radio, might be a random coin appearing, we get a 1p turn up often 'pennies from heaven' you may not get it straight away but you may, the strangest thing for us, well there has been many. We have a green wild rose when has never flowered but over the time of losing my mum it flowered and there were love heart petals all over my decking!! I see a random robin red breast different times, we i feel is in relation to my mum.
but its all our belief, but i believe if i hadn't had it or still have it i would be worse, i couldn't imagine the alternative of believing my mum isn't around me.

Thinking of us all xx

mummylin Fri 16-Nov-12 11:45:54

t875 we also have one last jar of beetroot that mum always did for my dh [ i dont like it] mum didnt like it either but she loved growing it then pickling it all.She also grew tomatoes and she didnt like those either ,she just loved growing vegetables.In fact in my freezer i have some uncut runner beans that mum gave me which she had grown when we came back after our last holiday together.I could not bear to throw them away and so i stuck them in my freezer.Of course they will never be edible but i just had to keep them.Dont we do some strange things really and isnt it odd what we cling on to.
well today i hope my mum is shining down on my niece as they are at this very moment waiting to hear they can go and get the keys to their very own home which mum enabled them to get.I am sure she is and would be so happy for them.
ssd It is very early days for you still and your grief is at its highest.You are quite normal in that your grief has taken over your life for now.But it does get better i promise you.Your world has been sent spinning and its so hard to comprehend a life without our loved ones and it takes quite a while to come to terms with it .You will get there.
kitten you are in my thoughts at this very sad time.

A tough day today. Mum's birthdaysad I've just spoken to Dad and he's struggling. He even said he's sent Mum a card but hasn't opened it yetsad I wish I could be with him, but he's nearly 5 hours away and I just couldn't manage it this week. We did see him last weekend though. I can't imagine how lonely he's feeling, at least I'll see dd and dh tonight. I've said again that he's welcome here anytime but he doesn't seem to want to leave the house just now.

Sorry blush have come on blurting out my woes.

Cobwebs things like that bring the feelings rushing back twentyfold. I don't really want to discuss with anyone how ill Mum was, it's hard enough talking about the happy times.

You'veCatToBeKittenMe you've done the bravest thing signing the papers. I hope your Dad slips away peacefully. I'm thinking of you.

ssd what you are feeling is entirely normal and right for you. It's very difficult seeing others unaffected by what is the hugest loss you can feel. Just focus on yourself and try to ignore their tactlessness.

t875 why don't you buy the tissues for yourself but search out ones that your Mum would like? Then as you use them you can think of your Mum? Small things sometimes do help...

Funnily enough there was a little white feather on our hedge when I came in from the school run. I struggle to believe they are signs, but it did still make me cry and I've kept itsmile so I guess I want to believe it's from Mum...

t875 Fri 16-Nov-12 12:18:46

Oh maybe thats lovely you got a feather, i believe it is spiritual, they are always on there own. I told my friend for the first time about the feathers she said she asked her grand for one and she had one as she was walking through the door at the side she saw a fluffy white feather.

I have also had them indoors, i had one (a small one) come down from the ceiling in my last job, i kid you not..i still cant believe it myself. But google white feathers and some of the stories from people will blow you away.

Thats a great idea about the tissues maybe i was meant to hear that from someone smile
THinking of you and your family today on your mums birthday,it is very hard..our went ok..sad but ok.
we had fish and chips, she loved that, let off a balloon, played songs she would have liked and we all had a cup cake and the girls had one with a candle and we said happy birthday mum/nanny, and blew out the candle. Do things that you know she will love, and what you guys would have done together. My mum done craft things with me, so i made her card from all my craft bits and hers which have been moved on to me. The children did too.

i bet the feather was her saying she is around you and knows you are thinking of her. xx

mummylin - also a great idea about the tissues, ill keep the packet smile i totally understand why you have the runner beans still, its amazing the things were doing to help us through keeping them with us. xx

ssd and everyone else, Thinking of you xx

mignonette Fri 16-Nov-12 16:32:51

You'veCat

Just follow your instincts...... As we all know, life goes on in the midst of life's ending. It is hard to juggle DC's with all their life, vitality and physical presence with a parent who is failing, slowly moving towards.....

I am thinking of you and wishing you peace of mind regarding the choices and decisions you have made and will continue to have to make.

You sound like a good Daughter, a caring and conscientious one and as a result, you will hopefully have the less complicated regretful grief that can arrive at the doors of those who leave things to others because they find it 'hard'...It is hard. There is no easy way, is there?

My brother couldn't be there when my Father died as he was trapped in mainland Europe (things moved unexpectedly fast) so I called my Brother and held the phone against my father's ear for a moment. He spoke quietly to him and regardless of whether DD heard/was aware, my Brother was able to 'be there' and to hear Dad's breathing. Maybe you could do this if your Aunt is able to speak on a mobile/ ward phone from her hospital bed? Anything to help your Aunt avoid that irrational guilt we often drum up after somebody dies, you know, the 'Could've, should've, would've' even when we could do no more.

My love to you and to everybody posting on these boards.

ssd Fri 16-Nov-12 17:32:50

someone said to me once

"the brave watch those who gave us life die, the cowards stay away"

I found this to be true in my life

mummylin Fri 16-Nov-12 18:15:43

maybe a sad day for you today.But do talk to and about your mum today on her birthday.send her a silent wish for her special day.You could even put a crd for her in an album or something.I have a album filed with sympathy cards ,cards from the flowers ,notices from the paper and photos of mum.Do whatever makes you feel close to her. I wrote this earlier today and didnt push post !!! so its now evening time and i hope the day has gone as well as possible.

t875 Fri 16-Nov-12 23:03:24

OMG cried buckets watching children in need!! Not great when you are already struggling sad

please tell me why i watched it, i normally jump through the sad bits, done that last year, who ever would have thought id be knowing places like cruse. sad

Thinking of you all, and hugs x

mummylin Sat 17-Nov-12 12:02:07

I didnt see it all but felt so sorry for the parents who have lost both their sons to a hideous illness.I dont know how they cope with it all.Its so unfair that young children have to have these terrible illnesses isnt it.Feeling very apathetic today so therefore cant be bothered to do anything much.Think im stressed out by all the bad things that have happened over the last week.On the brighter side of things my niece and her dh are so happy to of moved into their own home.The first thing she did was put up the picture of my mum in her hallway !! i thought that was lovely.Today they are getting two little ginger kittens !! they will have to watch out when they get their new furniture ! I think i would be a bit daunted at the thought of having a 40yr mortgage though.never heard of that before.

My dad died this morning

I sat with him for ages yesterday and it felt quite nice and peaceful
Feel a bit odd today.
Not overwhelmed with grief but not quite right.
I am glad that the waiting is over. It felt wrong to be waiting

mummylin Sat 17-Nov-12 14:07:05

kitten I am sorry you now have to go through this very sad time.I am glad you got to sit with him and for what its worth you did the right thing signing the papers.Sometimes its the kindest thing to do for someone .It must take a lot of courage.I hope you are not left alone to have to sort everything out yourself. I think in the beginning there is a sense of utter disbelief and wether the death is expected or not ,it is still a shock.May your dad rest in peace x

ssd Sat 17-Nov-12 18:46:41

I second mummylins post.
I'm so sorry YouveCatToBeKittenMe, I hope you get some comfort that your dad passed peacefully. Keep posting here, we will all support you. Just now you may feel a bit numb, just be sure however you feel is normal for you, don't question yourself too much, its normal to feel however you do.

mummylin, you sound like you need a bit of me time, some peace just to get your thoughts together after all the sad news you've had recently. And I hope your niece and her dh enjoy many happy years in the house your mum helped them to get, she'll love that they have achieved this!

t875, I didn't watch children in need, but I agree some of the stories about children just leave you in tears, sometimes life is so very cruel sad

hugs to us all xx

Beachcombergirl Sat 17-Nov-12 21:47:53

Had my first afternoon out at a baby event since mum died and had a bit of a panic attack. Too many people. Mums, grans and babies. Had to stand in the corner and take deep breaths. All very overwhelming. I just felt so lost. Then bought the guardian. There was a special grandparents feature. Just sobbed and sobbed reading it bi just want a 'good' day. It's exhausting feeling so very sad all the time.

Galaxymum Sat 17-Nov-12 22:33:50

BeachcomberGirl - it's early days and you did brilliantly actually going to an event. I've found it is exhausting grieving too. I have taken advice from here that you need to take some time and space to have a cry - I actually find a quiet walk and just letting it out helps. It really is exhausting when you feel sad and then having to have that mental energy to deal with people is too much. But you did very well in going to an event.

Beachcombergirl Sat 17-Nov-12 22:48:37

Thanks Galaxymum. I didn't realise how tough it would be going to the event. It shocked me really. I went with a very good friend and our babies. I had planned on joining some baby groups as I don't know many mums but the thought of it now terrifies me. I am planning a nice brisk walk with dd and dp tomorrow. Hope to clear the cobwebs a bit

mignonette Sat 17-Nov-12 23:00:44

All my love and condolences You'veCat

I'm so sorry. It is best that the waiting is over but it does feel unreal doesn't it, those hours after somebody has died? I expected the World to be changed somehow because of the momentous thing I had just experienced but of course it was my world that had changed......

Wishing you a decent sleep tonight and strength for the coming weeks......

Beachcombergirl Sat 17-Nov-12 23:24:07

Lots of hugs youvecat. It's a sad day for you. Take care and be gentle on yourself

GhostShip Sat 17-Nov-12 23:29:47

My dad died 21 years ago today. I was seven weeks old. It hurts me and I never even knew him, so can't imagine what some of you must be going through.

(Hugs)

MumOfStan Sun 18-Nov-12 06:33:39

Hope I can join this thread and I am so sorry for everyone's losses and sadness. My dear Dad is terminally ill and we're looking at months, not years. All a terrible shock: from 'well' to terminal diagnosis in one month and so far beyond people coming round to give him morphine there's been no sign of the oncology appointment he's been promised to try and sort chemo to buy him a bit more time. Feels like he's basically been sent home to die, and he's only 60. I live overseas (outside of Europe) so can't race home every weekend which is what I would want, and feel so much like I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. He has my fantastic mum and a large family network around him, so that is some comfort but still I am finding it so, so hard. I know that I am 'lucky' to be able to prepare for this and say all that I need to say to him every single day, which of course I do, but I am a mix of heartbreak, shock, denial, guilt for being so far away, and terrible, choking sadness for him and my mum and the years of retired life together they spent their life planning and saving for and will now not have. I am trying to go to work as normal, and stay relatively upbeat for my little boy who is keeping me sane. My husband is also very supportive. But I don't really have any close female friends here that seem to be able to listen to me ramble on about how I feel. So, it helps massively to think I could talk with you here and feel a little more amongst people that understand. Thanks for listening. Hope the day ahead for you all is easier than the day before, if you see what I mean....

ssd Sun 18-Nov-12 11:27:34

mumofstan, of course you can talk here, just ramble away with whatever you're feeling..it does help to talk about things here, its really hard when there's no one in rl who really knows how you feel and can listen and nod and understand. A lot of us here seem to have been the ones who were the closest to their mums/dads when they were ill or passed away and we seem to be feeling there loss the hardest.

It just really helps to talk to others who feel the same as us. My sister visited recently and didn't once mention my mum, who died 11 weeks ago. I thought she'd want to go through all mums belongings with me that I brought from her house, I cleared the house by myself, I though we'd go through the stuff together and maybe go to where we put mums ashes..but no, she wanted to go to the shops and look around. Mum wasn't mentioned, nothing was, it was as if she didn't exist. Its just something I have to accept, mum was a massive part of my life but didn't really figure in my siblings lives, except for the odd phone call here and there. Isn't it strange how something so massive to you hardly touches your sister.

anyway, a least we have found others here who we can open up to and share our feelings and not have them wonder if you've gone mad.

beachcombergirl, I know exactly what you mean about feeling lost in a crowd, I feel like that. The world seems to be full of helpful grannies and extended families all supporting each other, I often feel overwhelmed by it all. at work the girls I work with all go on about their mums coming over and babysitting, sometimes I think they are being crass mentioning their mums so much, but to them its perfectly normal, just everyday life, as long as I'm doing my job and smiling a big smile they have no idea about the lump in my throat as they talk away.

<sigh> again

xx

MumOfStan Sun 18-Nov-12 12:20:58

ssd Thanks so much for taking the time to respond to my post and I am so sorry for the loss of your Mum. It's true what you say about siblings. We all cope and respond differently, and sometimes no matter how close I am to my siblings I can find a certain comment or reaction difficult to swallow or understand. That said we are all in our own way pulling together for now which is all that matters and what is most helpful to mum and dad. I am sorry your sisters' reaction to what must have been a very emotional moment was not really what you imagined it would be.

I find I am in total shock at the diagnosis with my brain still trying to come up with imaginative escape routes for my Dad - like could the CT scan have been mixed up or whatever. IT sounds absolutely crazy as I know really how ill he is. Either way it is not a sensible state of mind as it's actually going to be easier to accept and adapt, I guess.

Anyway - thank you again. x

ssd Sun 18-Nov-12 19:03:32

no bother

xx

PS I think your mind plays tricks on you at times like these, it must be trying to find a way to help you cope with this intense time, I find my mind wandering into all sorts of thoughts these days

t875 Sun 18-Nov-12 23:05:26

mumofstan - sad my heart breaks for you, i am so sorry what you are going through. I couldn't imagine it.

I have been there so much with the CT scans, as ive said on here i phoned a big brain hospital in London asking about lobe strokes, couldn't talk for being in tears, but they were lovely on the end of the phone. Its the phases we go through, denial was one of mine that lasted quite a while, and still creeps in now after 7 months.

Come and talk to us anytime, we are here for you, this group has been a massive support for me, we are all here for each other. Sending you cyber hugs.

Beachcombgirl - I felt compelled to say to you about you being the paper 'the guardian' possibly a sign for you?! You have done well going to the shops bless you, it was a good couple of months for me, then when i did i lost it in the card shop.

Ghost ship - please come and talk if you need too, thinking of you, its all so very hard isnt it.

Ssd - Hope things went ok with your sister, thinking of you too {{hug}}

Galaxymum, mignonette, maybe, mummylin thinking of you all. Sending a hug if needed.

t875 Sun 18-Nov-12 23:06:41

beachcombgirl - sorry should have read - about you getting the paper..

mummylin Sun 18-Nov-12 23:08:28

MumOfStan So sorry for the situation with your Dad.How horrid it must be for you to be quite far away at this time. It is very strange how our minds try to work out different scenarios to fit in with what we want to happen.As ssd said, it does help to speak to others about it and i also agree that it seems that sometimes siblings arent as helpful or are not suffering the same degree of grief.I myself get hurt by this because i think my mum would be hurt ! For me its now a year since i lost my mum ,but it seems like so recently still.But the others on here have all helped as it is hard to speak to people in real life as most think we should all " be over it " by now.So it makes you clam up.So speaking on here is a real godsend. We will support you as best as we can.

mummylin Sun 18-Nov-12 23:14:00

t875 i must of been writing my post as you posted yours !! Not been a good/ bad day really a mixture of both.Went to cemetery and planted some winter pansies in both graves.had to throw a lot of flowers away but some were still going after 2 1/2 weeks.Some of course had been chewed off by the damn squirrels ! How has your day been ?.My poor friend in a state,i will go and see her again tomorrow but we do speak every day.I feel so sorry for her.Its hard to lose a younger sibling. Wishing you all as nice a day as possible tomorrow ,Night all x

t875 Sun 18-Nov-12 23:18:02

mummylin, you are spot on in relation to siblings, i also have this with my brother, i don't understand why he doesn't talk about her and i also feel this about my mum would be upset up there, but then i think well she sees him all the time, fly on the wall so to speak, so she sees all and them times when he may well talk about her to others and not to me. I have got used to it now, me and my brother are not close anymore!

There is 2 friends in rl i can talk to spiritualy about my mum but also about my grief, but the others i feel are like you say 'i should be over it' or they cant handle thinking in that way because it means them thinking about losing their mum. I have learnt a lot about life and my friends this year and who im bothered about and who im not.

t875 Sun 18-Nov-12 23:22:52

hi mummylin, sorry to hear about your bad day, we will get them squirells for you. Im bet your mum is loving seeing what you are doing for her with the flowers. Them days are like a tornado aren't they! Hits you so hard and don't know they are coming. You sound such a lovely caring person mummylin, but protect yourself too hun, you are still going through a lot yourself, it must be very hard to be there for your friend as well as go through what you are. Take care of you too hun. So sorry to hear about your friend though! Life can be so cruel!! x

BlackCatinChristmasChaos Sun 18-Nov-12 23:41:21

Can I join you'r thread? I am the OP from This thread Although it's not my parent I am grieving right now it's a bit like he was my step dad. Anyway, finding it hard to go to bed tonight. Seem to be having trouble switching off. The trouble is I need to get up in the morning to get the DC up and out the house.

t875 Sun 18-Nov-12 23:49:50

Hi Blackcatinchristmaschaos - absolutely you can join, its obviously horrible that we are all here. So sorry for your loss i have nights like that and its so hard isnt it when you know you have to get up and move forward with the normality of the day. I just go to bed blow a kiss to the air and say good night, and there have been mornings where ive not wanted to get up but ive imagined my mums voice saying come on get up your no good laying there, but its very hard isnt it. Thinking of you and hope you can try and sleep soon, i know when i have late nights my grief definately is worse, although i like a late night too as i dont settle down after putting the kids to bed till 9 most of the time.

cyber hugs to you hope your morning goes as well as it can x

mummylin Mon 19-Nov-12 11:04:13

hello blackcat Anyone is welcome on this thread.We all are aiming for the same thing.To somehow make sense of what has happened to our loved ones.It really does help to chat to others about it.I did go and read your thread and i echo what ssd said about how people need the support after the funeral has taken place.In the first few awful days there is a lot to do which keeps you busy,calls to make ,people to see and arrangements to be made.Then thre is nothing ,just zilch and it hits you badly.The best thing you can do for your mum is to always be there for her,be it on the end of a phone or a little visit or invite over for dinner.She will be feeling exactly as all of us on this thread are feeling,you too.Utter disbelief this has happened.There is no easy way to get over the death of a loved one ,you have to go through the grieving period which can be devastating and overwhelming at times.You wonder how the world keeps spinning when we are in such pain.But it does somehow.Its bad enough to have to face that someone is not ever going to be here again in their physical sense,but when it is unexpected,I personally will never ever get over it.We will all be here for you.Sorry you have had to join this thread.
t785 maybe you didnt get a good nights sleep as you were up quite late ? If i had realised you were still on here i would of posted again, as i too was up late but my son was going past here just before midnight and decided to pop in for a cup of tea !! As he said where else can you pop in for a cuppa at that time.We then watched a film for the next hour and a half so i was really tired ,but i woke up so early this morning.Am now feeling a little bit down,i think its not just because of my mum ,its all the sorrow going around for two lots of friends at the moment,plus a problem my niece had in the week [ happily resolved now] And I now have to face going to a funeral next Monday which is for my friends brother.It will be the first one i have gone to since mums death ,but thankfully its not the same crematorium.I dont think i could of faced that.Was going shopping today ,but of course have changed my mind now.I have been looking for a little angel that i want to put on mums grave .My sister has lots of little things that mum and i have put there over the years and i want my mum to have something.Not sure where to look for one though,anyone got any suggestions.?
Sorry for epic post ,am feeling very chatty this morning ! hope you are all doing well as can be expected. x

t875 Mon 19-Nov-12 20:13:22

Back from work i cant seem to be able to log in from there for some strange reason.

Anyways - mummylin, your question about angels im not sure, maybe charity shops, ornaments, past times ? Do you still have that there? There was one down here but they closed it. Also maybe h samuel might have also marks and spencers have a lot of christmas ornaments. Let us know if you find anything.

Yeah my late nights definately dont help, but i do like a longer night especially after getting the kids to bed, i dont settle till late, so im always around for a chat smile

Poor you with having to go to a funeral so soon, i know i wouldnt be able to do. Were here after you have been to it. Will be thinking of you x

Hope everyone else is having an ok day, thinking of you all and hugs if needed x

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Mon 19-Nov-12 21:38:19

Hi everyone, I was directed here from this thread about my mum.

I haven't cried today, but I've only been with dh and ds all day which I think helps, and I've spent all day browsing mumsnet to distract me. I know exactly what my mum would say to that. "I've just died and you're playing on the internet?" but I don't have anyone else to talk to really. I'm the eldest so I have to be in charge iykwim?

My dad (absent for 15 years) spoke to me yesterday and said "If you want me to come and see you then I will." Am I wrong to think his reaction should actually have been "I am coming up to see you as soon as possible." His eldest children have lost their mother, he hasn't been around since they were 8, 6 and 4 years old. They have no aunts, uncles or grandparents they can rely on for support. His 18 year old son found his mother dead on the floor. Surely he should have jumped on the first train up here no matter how much time has passed since he last saw us? Especially when he says he "loves" us.

ssd Mon 19-Nov-12 22:45:21

hi stickem

sorry to say but the reaction/support you can get from someone who is an immediate family member is sometimes different from what you expect..and I mean expect by what you would do yourself...I've found this hard to take myself

I'm sorry about your mum, it so very hard, but at ;east you've found this thread, there are lots of us here who'll support you and try to give you comfort (which I found lacking in my own family, sadly)

haven't read all the other messages yet but hugs to us all anyway

t875 Tue 20-Nov-12 08:04:43

Hi Stickem - we are here for you, please feel free to come in anytime, we all just jump in and out when we need.

I have been very surprised about my brother since losing my mum, i have also come to realise that after a significant loss families can become dysfunctional and may well struggle to find that unit again and it is shocking how some people react, but hope you have a good support network around you.
please look after you in the times you have coming up, cry when you need to cry, talk when you need to talk, do what you have to do to help you.
take care, and we are here anytime. x

Everyone else hope your all doing as ok as can be and thinking of you all, im struggling at the moment, just remembering things and getting choked, why do i not believe it again?! IS that normal with the cycle of grief to be in disbelief and denial again! Feel like ive definitely taken some steps back as she is well in the forefront all the time now.

I said what im going to do for Christmas is we are going to have a special area, where the girls can put special notes bits in that area, food (and then eat it a bit later in day..sausage roll, mince tart etc,) little notes about there day pictures and if they want to write a note to her direct how they are feeling. Its all so very hard though, i bloody hate her not being here!!! Life is just unfair! Why cant they just come down for a day to see us! sad

mummylin Tue 20-Nov-12 11:42:00

good morning to you all.Well i have been in tears for the last hour because of something my dh has done.On Sunday we went to the cemetery so i could plant some pansies and refresh flowers.My dh noticed that although my sister has some little things on her grave my mum has none.I explained i had been looking and not found anything.This morning my dh had two parcels delivered so i text him to tell him.he replied that they were gifts for me.I then asked if i could open them and he said yes.One of them is an open book like her headstone with an angel sitting up on it and the words " in loving memory of my mum " and the other is a little heart with similar words that you stick in the ground.I was so touched that i have been in tears ever since.What a thoughtful thing for him to do.I will have to forgive him for sometimes not saying / doing the right thing over the past few months.
StickEmWithThePointyEnd I have not read your thread yet ,but i will in a minute.Very sorry you have had to join us but i hope we can help you through.As t785 says ,people do not always react as you think they might and this can be very upsetting.I myself have not spoken to my neighbour since my mum died because he couldnt even be bothered to say " sorry to hear about your mum " I took this as a real slight especially when my mum has known him for over 20yrs and knitted for his daughter when he had no money to buy her new cardigans, so dont be surprised by anything.
t785 he got them from an ebay shop apparently and didnt even order them till sunday and they arrived today.I will put a pic up of the angel so you can see it.Seems wec are both in the same frame of mind at the moment.I was talking to one of my brothers last night and we were both saying how we dont look forward to anything at the moment and how much life has changed for us.For the worse.I think for myself with two friends losing people last week it. has taken me back to the very beginnin all over again.On that subject ,i went to visit my friend last night and she is very worried about her brothers funeral,i suggested some rescue remedy but dont have much idea about it or where you buy it,anyone know ?

mummylin Tue 20-Nov-12 12:27:35

StickEmWithThePointyEnd i have now read your very sad thread.What a terrible shock for you and especially for your young brother.I am quite sure that you have done the best you can in your family circumstances.Sometimes families have to step back from things to protect themselves. I know your mum will know that you loved her.You dont have to say the words ,they just know.You will be guided by funeral directors on what you have to do.They will make it as easy as posible for you to deal with that side of things.It will be a tough time for you all,but if we on here can help you even a little bit then we will.As for your family,that is for you to decide upon,every ones family is different and you know yours best.The same thing goes for your nan,you know her the best and if you think she isnt strong enough to hear this terrible news,then dont tell her.Sending you a little hug , so very sorry.

What a lovely thing for your dh to do mummylin - they can surprise us sometimes, can't they?smile I hope they give you comfort when you go to visit your Mum and Sister's graves. I don't know much about rescue Remedy but I know people swear it works so there might be something in it... I know you can buy it in Boots/Holland and Barrett.

StickEm I'm sorry you're here too, but I hope you find some comfort from speaking to us. I agree that family and friends can react in terrible and insensitive ways after a bereavement. Losing someone is always a shock, whether they were ill or not, the brain struggles to comprehend life without them in it so when they do go, there is such a gap. You have lost your Mum out of the blue be kind to yourself, don't try to support everyone else and be at the bottom of the heap. Do what feels right for you and your immediate family. We are here xx

At some point I must go back and count up how many of us have found ourselves here, it's been a real comfort to me. I do, however, struggle to keep track of everyone and always have worries at the back of my mind that I'm missing people out. Forgive me if I do and I am thinking of everyone here!

t875 sorry you're struggling, I feel the same. I think with Christmas round the corner it's so obvious this one will be very different, it's hard to cope. I made the mistake of looking at presents for Grandparents yesterday and cried and cried looking at all the ones for 'Best Granny' etc etc. It's horrible.

I don't think I ever understood how much Mum missed her parents. They died when I was tiny, they missed all the proud moments of being Grandparents. At least my dd will remember her Granny - precious memories.

blackcat, ssd, Galaxymum, mignonette, Beachcombgirl , Ghost ship , MumofStan, YouveCatToBeKittenMe all in my thought, how are you doing today?

I am new to here, but I lost my mum on friday. At the age of 45 from terminal cancer. I can't begin to explain how I feel but am just going through the motions. Thinkin of all those with sad news also

mummylin Tue 20-Nov-12 13:24:35

Waitingforastartofall how very sad to see yet another person who is so sad My deepest sympathy to you on the loss of your mum.45 is so young ,what a terrible tragedy for you and your family.All of us here on this thread are all grieving for a parent,most of them mums but also some who have lost mum and dad.We are all in different places with varying times of the year ,but we all have one thing in common.Do you have family around you to support you ?Or even good friends. Its a terribly sad time especially in the very beginning and there is no easy way to fix it.grief has to take its own path. We are all here to support you ,as we have all been trying to support each other.May your mum RIP.

mummylin Tue 20-Nov-12 13:28:10

Why is it ,that we are brought up to know about death ,but when it comes we are all knocked sideways ?So many sad people in the world, all of us included.

Masai Tue 20-Nov-12 13:34:06

I miss my Daddy so so much.

Burst into tears last week in a sweet shop when i saw the vanilla fudge id buy him every christmas.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Tue 20-Nov-12 13:57:23

I did expect her to die one day, because of her medical problems, just not so suddenly, when she seemed happier than she had been in a long time and without being able to see or speak to her one last time.

I last saw her last weekend I think (how awful that I can't remember the day!) but I last spoke to her on Wednesday night to ask her if she would babysit ds on Thursday morning. I had other things to do so I had to end the call, though she wanted to carry on talking to me sad.

She looked after ds at my sister's house on Thursday, but I don't know what they did together or anything because I didn't see or speak to her afterwards - dh dropped him off and picked him up. She sent me a text on Thursday afternoon which said that ds is "such a good boy, credit to you both x" but I never replied.

mummylin Tue 20-Nov-12 14:01:02

Masai do you want to tell us about your dad ? maybe it would help you to speak of him

waitingforastartofall I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum. She was so young, you must be in such shock. Do you have a close family to support you through? Do you need to talk about it? My Mum died from lung cancer earlier this year, it's a dreadful disease. We're all here because we have lost dearly loved parents, sorry you've found yourself here too.

Masai it's the little things which trigger such strong feelings. Do you want to talk about your Daddy?

mummylin Tue 20-Nov-12 14:05:43

StickEmWithThePointyEnd im sure that we all have things we regret not doing ,but we cant change anything and you cant continue beating yourself up about things you didnt do.Just remember the happier times that you spent together.

StickEm we all have such regrets about not having spent enough time with our loved ones, but all the time wouldn't be enough... We would still find things to regret. You were lucky to be able to have a close relationship where your Mum could look after your children - I bet she got a huge amount from that time. I hope looking back you will find happier memories to comfort you.

Family is close, but don't really know what so say. Although we knew nothing could be done we expected a lot longer not such a rapid decline. I spent every day with her and miss her very much already.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Tue 20-Nov-12 15:39:58

I'm sorry everyone else on this thread is going through this too and thank you all for your support xxx

I've just gone through all my texts from her because I am writing down all the ones about ds for him to see when he is older (I haven't deleted any since the middle of August) but I can't believe I didn't notice how many times she said she had been ill, throwing up, keytones, rashes, infections etc etc etc. Barely a week has gone by since at least August when she hasn't had something wrong with her and I just never paid any attention to it. I'm such an idiot, can't believe I've been so selfish.

I'm thinking of making a photobook for ds with all the lovely messages I have about him from her. I don't have many photos of them together (she hated having her photo taken) but I think I could put something together with pictures of him and old photos from when I was little. Does that sound really morbid? I don't want him to forget her, though I know he's too young to remember her properly. I want him to know how much she loved him.

mummylin Tue 20-Nov-12 15:52:54

StickEmWithThePointyEnd no thats not morbid at all.Its lovely to preserve any memories. There is probably a way you could in fact merge a photo of your mum with your ds.Im not clever enough but im sure someone who has photo shop could do it.

ssd Tue 20-Nov-12 19:22:27

stickem, that's a lovely thing to do

I'm sorry I'm not replying to everyone individually, I'm just a bit lost in all this just now, there's a few things happened recently that have brought me down, things we all probably get now and then, sharp reminders of what we're missing, not least relatives on that bloody facebook telling me how much they love being a gran and how much they are looking forward to Xmas surrounded by their grandkids they intend to spoil, thanks a lot they know my wonderful kids have no grandparents left to spoil them and the youngest is still in primary school

<sigh>, I've been sighing a lot lately!!!

mummylin, how great of your dh to do that, theres hope for mine yet, the only thing he's interested about is the football

t875, I'm sorry your so down, I am too lovely, its just the total pits isn't it..my dsis visited and we shopped, she didn't mention mum at all and she only died 11 and a half weeks ago, seems shes forgotten already

I'm sorry to anyone I havent replied to but I'm thinking of everyone here xx

ssd Tue 20-Nov-12 19:31:37

actually do you know what almost hurts as much as losing mum? well not even nearly as much but still............its the lack of feelings from people you thought would be great and understanding to you

I know no one else's world has been rocked by this, but I have some family who honestly seem to like rubbing it in how very happy they are and how their world is great......... there's one in particular and all I can think is wait till its your turn missy, your mum and dad will be gone one day and your kids will have no granny and papa running after them anymore, don't think you will be turning to me for comfort cos you phoned me once 2 days after mum died and since then all you've done is hurt me and twist the knife with your happy families pictures and there's been zilch in the way of sympathy since, even though I've supported you when your kid was ill, your mother annoyed you and your dh drove you mad....one day it'll be your turn and I wont be there

that feels better, don't anyone tell me off for being nasty I meant every word, if I dont get it out here I'll rant to dh and we're fighting enough these days

ssd Tue 20-Nov-12 19:55:25

actually* hope* everyone* ignores* this but I'm so f****ng angry

just had a message from a close family member on that bloody fb

"hey ssd, how are you, hope everything's great, what you been up to recently, you must be looking forward to xmas, the dc's must be so excited, what fun things have you planned, we're doing XYZ of wonderful family stuff, see ya.."

yes they live in the US...

I so want to reply

"hi X, yes we're all great here, cant wait for xmas when its just the 4 of us as we have no family left to visit now mums dead, what have I been up to, oh just crying all the time, reading countless bereavement and spiritualist books trying desperately to get some sort of connection with my mum who I miss desperately, trying to avoid happy people like you, worrying about the future...see ya"

I tell you one more ridiculous "hope everything's great" message and they're going to get it from me

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Tue 20-Nov-12 20:07:13

ssd I understand exactly what you're saying. And I am fucking angry too at the moment.

Most of my mum's illness was not helped by how her family treated her. I have distanced myself from the lot of them, due to this however I feel it would be wrong of me to say something to them about it at this time, especially as my brother and sister spent all day with them yesterday. This makes me very angry, as I think my brother and sister are much more vulnerable than I am and I feel like the family will be brainwashing them. Certain members of the family are known to be "serial mourners" iykwim. They love a good funeral angry

I had a phone call today from one of these family members asking why I hadn't gone with my brother and sister. Instead of saying "because it would be a huge betrayal to my mother's memory" I just said something about not wanting to go out anywhere at the moment (also true as I have a sinus infection at the moment which is not helped by all the crying).

Everyone is expecting me to organise the funeral now but I don't want to. I am going to tell my brother and sister that they have to do it and I will be there to help but it's all their decisions, because quite frankly I would be perfectly happy to not even have a funeral (I hope that doesn't offend anyone, I just feel like I don't need to stand around when I will be feeling very exposed, surrounded by people I don't like, who treated my mum like shit, while they cry and "enjoy the show").

And I need to sort her house out, (I'm just going to take the things we want and leave the rest) which I don't want to bloody well do and I'm very worried about her cats, who we can't find and because no one can stay over at her house we are unlikely to ever find them.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Tue 20-Nov-12 22:30:06

And I found a text from a few weeks ago when my mum said she was sorry to me. For things that happened when I was younger. She'd never said that before. I fucking ignored it because I never believed she would change, to the point that I forgot I had ever received it.

She really was trying to change. It's not fucking fair.

(Apologies for swearing, I am just so angry with myself and the situation).

ssd Tue 20-Nov-12 22:50:14

ah stickem, I'm sorry your angry too

I understand what you mean about the funeral, when mum died all my family rushed to where we live and it was all too much for me, I always knew the only time they;d all come up and see mum was when she died. And it came true. I told my db to arrange the funeral himself, I couldn't do any of it. But I'd done it all when mum was alive, for years and years.

It was all just too much.

I know you're angry with yourself too, I felt the last few visits to my mum didn't go well, I'd have no conversation for her and would look bored and fed up with it all. The Tuesday before she died I was supposed to visit her but something she said on the phone (and it was really nothing) got me down and I didn't go out, then she died on the Friday. I cant do anything about it.

I'm just sorry, it is so hard to accept and handle.

rant away here, I think I'll have a few more rants in me that'll need let out too

xx

mummylin Tue 20-Nov-12 23:02:30

Oh dear ssd you do sound very down today.I do understand though especially about facebook,i myself dont use it but the niece i dont like because she is so bloody snooty wrote a comment not long after my mum died and it said * this has been the best year of my life " of course my other lovely niece saw it and was very upset.I dont know why others can appear to be so bloody thoughtless.Also ssd i do understand about the football.My dh been tonight to watch our town.But as i told you before i like a couple of hours to myself,but i do get annoyed when it takes over everything else in life.
stickem it sounds like you too are having a very tough time.Families can be a pain cant they and if you dont want to arrange everything its only right that your brother and sister do their bit.On the whole i am a very lucky person family wise,yes we have our little niggles but we are all very close.Its understandable that you would tend to ignore messages if you have been let down in the past.You are not a mind reader and you could not of known what was in your mums mind and how she felt all the time.I would imagine that if you had constantly been expecting things to change. and they hadnt ,why would you of believed this time was different.Please dont feel guilty ,you are only human and didnt know.Im sure that whatever went on your mum cared for you and you for her even if things were difficult.She would of known that and i expect that gave her some comfort.xx

mummylin Tue 20-Nov-12 23:09:39

ssd better to rant than bottle it all up.if you try and keep all the anger / grief in you will become ill. This is what happened when my sister died.I kept it in and later suffered very bad depression.Im sure no-one on here is going to mind a few rants.I am sorry that your last visits to your mum didnt go well,that is probably adding to your grief now.But as you say ,you cant change things now.try and switch your mind to the times that were good and think of those instead.Oh i dont know ,i probably spout a load of rubbish most of the time.Just ignore me.I just hate to see people so upset.

Popumpkin Tue 20-Nov-12 23:13:53

Beachcombergirl - I could have written your first post, apart from my mum died 8 weeks ago not 4. I'm not really ready to talk about it in too much detail but the sudden nature of her death meant that I was in shock at first and am only just now feeling the full force of what I have lost.

DD is 15 months, it breaks my heart that she will not remember the grandma who loved her so much.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Tue 20-Nov-12 23:27:42

I am looking for the good memories. I spent so many years focusing on the bad and arguing with her about it. I need to find those good ones again, I know they are there somewhere.

Randomly, something that is making me happy (not properly happy but I hope you know what I mean) at the moment is that I found her Christmas present for ds.

She's bought my two year old a fecking drumkit!

This is a woman who taught us to step lightly when going up and down stairs and banned balloons because the popping un-nerved her. If someone had bought me a drumkit as a toddler it would have driven her crazy.

Being a grandmother really was the making of her. I feel like she must have felt she could do all the things for ds that she wanted to do for us, because she didn't have the stress of 3 bloody jobs just to keeping us fed, roof over our heads, having a knobhead husband etc.

I don't know what she did to ds but he absolutely adores her. He would even cry when I said goodbye to her on the phone, he doesn't even do that for me or dh! If "mummynana" as he called her, was there, then dh and I didn't exist as far as ds was concerned.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Tue 20-Nov-12 23:29:47

I must look like a right lunatic in these posts, first I'm sad, then angry, then sort of happy about something. I've no idea what I am feeling at the moment sorry.

mums Christmas vouchers arrived the week we were told there was nothing they could do, stepdad sent us out with orders to buy everyone a present to remember mum by, was the most surreal shopping trip I have ever been on and just hope that we did her justice she was fab at buying for people. I don't think people mean to be stupid or say odd things but I've had some really stupid comments. Can't believe its going to be Christmas without her want to stay in bed all day but got to make it for the dcs

You don't at all stickem be kind to yourself. I have been the same mad laughter one minute at some funny memory or something the kids do then I end up sobbing sad.

ssd Wed 21-Nov-12 08:56:56

thanks mummylin and stickem. I realise I do need to rant on here cos there's no one in rl who gets it, no one at all. My own sister visited and didn't mention mum at all, its now 10 weeks since she died, that was my sisters first visit back here since mum died, I thought she'd want to visit where we put mums ashes or go through her stuff but no, we went to the shops and mum wasn't mentioned, even though I was waiting for it, she just showed absolutely no interest, not even a how are you doing.
Then my stupid overly religious relatives in America who post how much they love god and how Christian they are cant even be bothered to ask how I am, they just "hope I have a great day", they can all piss off.
My brother who was great for a week when mum died has gone back to his life and hasn't phoned since, I've got no other family.

So yes I'm pretty angry and a bit more than hurt. But as t875 said, you don't forget these things, this time is in my memory now.

Its actually just 10 weeks since mum died, I though it was more. The past ten weeks have been like another lifetime to me, I'm not the same girl I was before. I hope I'm a bit wiser and a bit more guarded, I was the sort of person who'd drop everything to help you and always offer advice or a hand to anyone who needed it. But I'd do that far less now, just for the few people who have been kind and shown some thought to me. The rest will wait for my help now, they don't deserve it.

I did phone cruse a few weeks back but they said it was too early to see someone, they gave me a phone number but tbh I think I get as much posting away here like a mad thing, it so helps to have others who who understand, who actually loved and cared for their mothers or their dads and who have also experienced grief, not someone like my sister who seems to be totally unaffected by her mum dying. or who can go back to their life a week later and forget about her then.

so thanks everyone and if my posts offend anyone then sorry, that's just to you all here, not to any of my family who should know better.

xx

and I'm sorry to the new posters who've joined us xx

MumOfStan Wed 21-Nov-12 12:40:22

Hey ssd don't apologise. this is a safe place where you are amongst people who are totally understanding of what you're going through. am so sorry you're feeling this way but glad you find posting here helpful. I'm reading and listening and hoping you have a better day tomorrow. xx

follygirl Wed 21-Nov-12 12:42:51

Hello all,

Sorry that you're in this horrible 'club' too.

Tomorrow it will be 5 years since my Dad died and I still miss him terribly. He died when my children were 3 and 1 and he has missed so much.

My daughter has started riding which was Dad and my great passion. He would have been so proud to see her as she is a natural rider, just like him. My little boy is growing up so fast and I know that he would have loved playing football with him the way his other grandfather does. I have to admit that sometimes I resent my father in law's relationship with my kids as he is having the one I wanted for my dad. I don't say anything of course as that would be depriving him and my children, but I still feel sad about it.

My mum is currently the other side of the world, she always goes away during his anniversary as it still hurts her so much.

I was so, so, lucky to have had him as my Dad. I just wish I could have had him for longer.

mummylin Wed 21-Nov-12 16:31:14

Sorry to newcomers on this thread.here are such a lot of thoughtless people around,but i really think that they have no idea how painful this process is.All of our worlds have been changed forever and its very hard to understand why all family members dont feel the same.In my case one brother in particular feels like me ,another brother although close to mum accepts the situation whilst i have another brother and a sister who just carry on as though its normal.It will never be normal again,normal is having my mum here ,normal is mum bringing a homemade cake round,normal is getting a text from her,normal is seeing her arrive at my house most days for a cuppa.How is it possible to continue as though nothing has changed.? i dont understand it at all.StickEmWithThePointyEnd how lovely that you have found the drum set.That shows that your mum was thinking of her little gs,which is a nice thought to cherish.
ssd I too find it so hurtful when people say things that are not appropriate and seem to ignore what has happened.The thing is by not mentioning it they are in fact making things far worse. What a strange world we live in really isnt it.
To everyone hope you have all managed to cope for today. tomorrow is another day and we will all get through that too. thanks for you all x

t875 Wed 21-Nov-12 18:52:36

Gosh i so know how you feel, i have been shocked to the core especially how my brother has been since my mum passed, i really could have done with him to be around and side by side with me at times and he hasn't been, he doesn't talk about my mum he makes me feel awkward to talk about her which im bound too.

I am so very sorry i have been working loads and haven't had the time to look at this thread, i gathered though a lots been said about people surprising you being a different unsupported way.

ssd - I was blown away by what was said to you, really some people just don't think.. I had 'i love my mum' shared to me on f book!!! Was like wtf... please, wish people would bloody think!! :-/ Im also the same ssd i have definately changed and only bother with people that are there for me, no hangers on anymore or me making all the effort, them people are distant as so many days i havent got the energy or the brain power to make all the effort. I have got a great group of friends though who have been supportive.

I am so sorry to see more people that have had losses, my thoughts are with you, it is a horrendous time and we are here for us all to support and get through the tough times so please come here and talk.

Can anyone give advise how to tackle card shops?? I struggled today, tears streamed again when I saw the dreaded nanny cards. sad
i dont think i can honestly get cards anymore..

sending you all love and huge hugs, were all here together, and how nice what you said mummylin, we will get eachother through tomorrow xx

ssd Wed 21-Nov-12 21:37:31

thanks t875, its so good we all have each other, I have some really nice friends too, isnt it strange you get more compassion from friends and all us here than you do from your own family, thats something I wouldnt have thought possible, it just goes to show

the kids r fighting, I'll come back to this thread later or tomorrow, hope we all get a good sleep and have nice dreams! I haven't dreamed of mum yet, I did once but it was confusing, it was more of my dad in it...anyway hugs again to us all

xx

Really bad days today, coroner overruled our decision for no autopsy so that's being done this morning can't get it out of my head. Just had phone call to say grandad, mums dad been taken into hospital with severe stomach pains. Literally sick of everything. Miss my mum

mummylin Thu 22-Nov-12 12:50:35

Waitingforastartofall Oh you poor thing ,now having to worry about your gandad on top of everything else.Why do all these things happen together ? I am sorry to hear about the autopsy.We also said at the time that we did not want mum to have one ,but we were told that regardless of what we wanted if the coroner wanted to do one ,they would.I understand your feelings on that.The thought was abhorrent to us and luckily it didnt happen in our case.I hope your grandad is ok ,maybe its stress related or something.

We said we didnt want one, as even though mums decline was very unexpected she has been a cancer patient for 5 years. Unfortunatly coroner made the decision that they needed to know what caused her to decline so rapidly. I personally dont see what knowing what went wrong will help. I hope that it is just stress in the nicest way but hes a very old frail man who hasnt been right for some time so im not so sure. Cant get it out of my head that someone is messing about with her, feel physically sick

mummylin Thu 22-Nov-12 14:42:02

I can understand how you are feeling ,i too would of been distraught at the thought of it.Yes i agree that because your mum had been ill ,why did they have to do this.Its not going to bring her back so why couldnt they have just left her in peace.This is really such a horrid day for yoy.Any update on grandad ?

Nope no update other than they wouldn't say over the phone to my aunt his other daughter.

mummylin Thu 22-Nov-12 16:20:21

Oh dear,i do hope its not going to be something too bad for him.i myself am on a bit of a downer today,but i think its because my friend text to say she is going to order flowers for her brother,of course now my mind has gone right back to when i did this when mum died.Hence now going all over it yet again and trying to make sense of everything.Its just so painful isnt it and i miss her so much.I feel sad that she is missing our tuesday night dinners when two of my brothers ,my sis in law,dh and mum always went out for a pub meal somewhere.We have done this for the last 5 years,in fact mum started it,its awful to think she isnt with us,but we do still do this.The first time we went after mum died was only a couple of days after and i freaked out because there was a spare chair.I had to ask someone to move it.I bloody hated it.But i do know that mum would want us to continue meeting up each week.No-one ever mentions mum and that hurts me,but i do usually mange to bring her into the conversation.Mum always did like going out for dinner with at least 3 of her children !! I hope you hear something soon to put your mind at ease.

That's lovely that you still do that, I much prefer people talking about mum but like yourself am finding that they don't x

mummylin Thu 22-Nov-12 18:39:03

Well i am notably a gas bag and no-one has ever shut me up yet !!But i like to talk about her,so i will !! lots. any news about your grandad yet ?

He's going to be in a while needs to be seen by a renal specialist, worried sick as that's what mum went in with but then need to realise she was very poorly before, feels the same though H

ssd Thu 22-Nov-12 19:06:45

sorry to hear about your granded waiting, hope he gets treated and makes a good recovery

and yes can agree about wanting to talk about mum, I do too and theres very few to talk to about her, I want to talk about her all the time xx

ssd Thu 22-Nov-12 19:09:21

and I'm sorry about the autopsy, i woulsnt like that either, I was told if mums gp wanted wouldnt find a cause of death it would go to autopsy, luckily the gp Knew her well and said he thought it must have been a heart attack and asked me if I agreed, I said yes and that was that

can imagine how upset you must be over this, am sorry honey xx

ssd Thu 22-Nov-12 19:12:57

and mummlin, thank god you're a gasbag, if you werent and didnt start this thread I'd be locked up by now xx

t875 Thu 22-Nov-12 19:21:25

Waiting - I'm so sorry for what you are going through, I hope your grand dad will be ok. Please keep us posted! Sorry Also about the autopsy I wouldn't have been happy.

I love to talk about my mum too but there are a few that talk about her but they won't openly bring her up which I find very hard as I hate to think of her as gone!! :-(

The lady from cruse called me tonig it's very helpful as she is spiritual and believes in the other side, she said some good things. It was so nice to talk to her, such a lovely lady. I told her about my dad too and he is on waiting list but ishe said she will call him for me which is a great help, I hope he doesn't get annoyed with me though. I'm just very worried about him a bit more lately.

Thinking of you all, and sending hugs x

You guys are so lovely, I am quite sad today we have had to put the funeral back because of the autopsy I just want to lay her to rest not leave her being messed with for days on end. It's been a week tomorrow its v surreal. Thinking of u all too

Waiting how horrible for you, I do wonder sometimes why 'they' have a need to find out exact cause of death when there was already a diagnosis of major illness... Hmm, unless the findings are used to help others in the future <don't really know much about these things!> It's hard having to put back the funeral, had you already made arrangements for everything?

Hope your Grandad goes on OK - that must be hard to get your head around.

t875 glad the Cruse lady is helpful. It's so lovely that she'll ring your Dad, sometimes it helps when others use their initiative doesn't it?

* mummylin* it's so nice that your family still meet up for dinner. Your Mum must be very pleased that it's continuingsmile

Hello everyone else! I agree with ssd this thread is defintely keeping me sane (ish) I had a bit of a moment in waitrose earlier. I was looking at napkins and realised that I wont be buying Mum a special pack of them for Christmas this year sad I can't remember how many years I've been buying them for her, she always liked a posh set for visitors smile I bought some for myself instead...

We've just been to parents evening. It went really well, dd is working hard. But the teacher kept saying how quiet she is and how she has a permanently worried frown and I can't help thinking what a hard year it's been for her too. Have just had a big hug togethersmile

We had already organised everything since we turned.it down so had to contact everybody, rearrange flowers and.now dp has a week off that we can't really afford. Never rains but it pours eh. I miss her so very much its horrible every little thing reminds me of her.

Your dd has a lovely mum to help her through she will get there. Hope today has been kind to everyone

Oh no, that's really tough. And knowing it will all have to be rearranged, you don't need that. Could your dh postpone his leave? Although maybe it will be good just spending some time together...

Thank you for your lovely comment thanks I'm lucky to have such a nice dd!

No hope of postponing. Busiest time of year for him ( he's not Santa btw) but its nice to have him here I feel tearful at the oddest thing and I haven't cooked for over a week so he's keeping me going. I wrapped the kids presents today an it just felt so weird knowing mum won't be here.My Ds is 5 and sounds much like your dd, he is lively and clever but so beyond his years emotionally he's had the weight of the world on his shoulders this past two years. I spoil him rotten, people say it all the time but it'll never change. He pulls me through much like I imagine your Dd does ans they deserve some recognition

ssd Thu 22-Nov-12 22:15:46

I say spoil your kids, does them damn good

I was spoiled as a child, not financially, but with love and it did me good

and if you can afford to give them a few extra treats too then why the hell not

xx

mummylin Thu 22-Nov-12 22:33:33

Waitingforastartofall i am so sorry that you have had to rearrange things.Its bad enough to do it once.what a horrible upset on top of everything else.I cant understand why, if people die in a hospital they then have to increase the families grief by doing an autospy.But apparently the coroners word is law and they have to make the decision.Seems wrong to me that they can overide the families request when there is an obvious cause of death.Hope Grandad will be ok.
ssd You are the same as me in wanting to ,and do talk about mum all the time.In my mind it keeps her as part of the family still.It keeps her here with us in my mind.
t785I am glad you are getting some help from cruse and finding it helpful.Its nice to know you have the same beliefs , i hope you can gain some comfort from the nice lady.
maybeyoushoulddrive It is the little things that upsets us isnt it,things we shared ,things that we bought for each other.Mum always made the whole families mince pies ,and now it seems its my job.last year my niece and i made about 10 dozen of them !! But we want to keep mums traditions going.But i cant make them as nice as my mums,but they are edible and look nice so thats something.they will go to 8 different houses [ mine included of course]
To all, today i found a very funny photo of my mum.It was my dh's 50th and it was a footi theme, my mum walked in with the biggest boobs i have ever seen !! it was so funny and i have no idea where she got them from,anyway today it did give me a little chuckle followed by a horrible lurch in my stomach at what i have lost. Well folks thats another day we have all got through.Bring on tomorrow !

ssd Thu 22-Nov-12 22:53:10

your right mummylin, some things do give us a horrible lurch when we least expect it...y'day on the radio at work an old song came on from war of the worlds called "now you're not here"...god I could cry just thinking about it

I wonder when life feels normal again? I'm starting to try to keep super busy so I dont think about things too much, it hurts too much..

but when I'm totally alone my mind is gone, I just think about mum and dad all the time..its funny but I feel close to my dad again, he died 15 yrs ago nearly and I've been so wrapped up in mum for all that time that dad had slipped from my thoughts a bit, but now mum is in the same place as him I'm thinking of them both together and I feel close to him again...but god I wish they were here, cant believe I have to live the rest of my life without my mum and dad, i was so close to them, the youngest in the family, the only one who lived near them and regularly visited them, since the last 20 years,I cant believe they've gone and I have no back up now, its a horrible feeling, to have no support anymore...and my siblings are damn hopeless

t875 Fri 23-Nov-12 11:20:26

So upset this morning hearing a christmas song, feeling like its so unfair, she should be getting excited, getting her little special bits, novelty xmas stuff, and its just crap, my god did i cry, some days the tears come heavy!

I said to her this morning, if you see when im walking around the shops(which i dont find easy) please direct me to it and ill buy it! I still am buying stuff my mum would have brought me and the girls, my dad gave me some candles and bits and pieces from the kitchen, i have used the plastic tubs for our lunch/kids sandwiches, she would like to see them used, the candles one by one was used on each of the cakes this year for the birthdays. I still try and do these things, i even found me keeping the label off my husbands present yesterday, and looked up to the air and said "see ill keep your legacy alive eh" as that is what she done.

I am so like my mum im realising more and more, i look out for people, i generally breeze through apart from the horrendous times of grief, there is so much ive even had people say to me you are your mum and do you know what we are, we have so much of them in us and with us, they are still a big part of us. I know everyone thinks different and i no way would shove anyone to any belief.
but this is what i really feel and believe, i still do get my spiritual signs too which i find very hard to ignore.

Thinking of you all and sending hugs if needed. We have eachother to help a little to get us through the tough times xx

hellyd Fri 23-Nov-12 11:55:17

Hi all
So sorry for everyone's losses
My mum died 4 weeks ago tomorrow, is feels like and age and a second all at the same time. I keep being told its early days and it will fell better but it doesn't seem to.
I miss her so much, she would ring every Sunday morning until the last few weeks when she was too ill (cancer very sudden very quick) and i still find myself thinking, oh i must remember to tell mum that when she phones when something happens during the week. My father phoned last Sunday bless him he was trying to do the right thing and new i would be missing my weekly call but when the phone rang just for a second i thought it would be her, so did my son, as much as i'm glad my dad rang i was still disappointed.
enough rambling, thanks for listening, its nice to have a place to come and talk where everyone understands
h.

mummylin Fri 23-Nov-12 13:05:10

hellyd so sorry that you have joined us on this thread.Yes you are right we all understand sadly.I dont know if you have read through the thread but to expain to you briefly ,we are all at different stages here,but all feel the same undeniable grief,which we struggle to comprehend.As you sad you are a an early stage as are others on here,but i have just past the 1st year anniversary.I know it will get better but as yet i cant say its a noticeable improvement yet.I am sorry you have lost your mum ,but bless your dad for giving you formaking the sunday call.That was so thoughtful of him.
t785 Hope your tears have stopped now.Its like floodgates open isnt it.But its a way to release feelings which we try and hide and finally something has to give. Im not sure if we are trying to protect others or ourselves when we dont discuss things with others.I do get people saying " how are you " i invariably answer " oh im fine thanks " but its a lie.I am not ok and will never be ok again.Why do we do this or is it because we think the person asking is not really interested in hearing anything which is not good news ? i just dont know.

t875 Fri 23-Nov-12 16:33:25

oh helld - i am so very sorry for your loss, bless you, it really is crap and so very hard, the phone calls and hugs, the contact has been the most hardest thing to take on, really is a killer, for months i would pretend i was talking to her, sometimes even answering for her..i know that sounds crazy but it helped me a little. I do talk to my mum as i believe and feel she can hear, but then that gets frustrating when i shout up the air "answer me" sad

All what mummylin said, it is absultely horrendous and my god i didnt stop crying, shouting, screaming, looking for answers, blaming everyone including me, i saw people when i wanted, i amswered the phone when i wanted, you really have to do what you want to get you through, i have a shelf with a few special things on it of my mums and what i think she will like, i also had a plant in the summer out in the garden which i got for her, was nice to see her.

Talk, cry and be around people you feel comfortable with and were here for you too.

It does get a bit easier as time goes on, although some days i feel i right back to them times. {{{hugs}}} to you.

Mummylin - Thanks the tears did stop, but again up the shops couldnt walk in the card shop without getting choked!! Ive decided sainsburys is the way to go..not small, no christmas music yet and cheap cards smile

Yeah i know what you mean, i get people ask me, and there are some i can say how i feel, sometimes they get pretty crap but hey we have to trudge on eh! Then also like you they get the yeah im fine not too bad when really im crumbling some days.

Waiting - How is your g dad today?

How are you all today, thinking of you all xx

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Fri 23-Nov-12 17:34:33

Hi everyone, we started clearing the house today which was an odd experience with many mixed emotions. Managed to get some things but will have to go back tomorrow.

I'm angry because I found out that a random relative, who has been clinging to my brother and sister to "support" them, took my mums sewing machine a couple of days ago. He did ask my sister for it and she said yes, but she didn't know what it was worth, but I do and I suspect the relative definitely knows its value. Had she known, my sister would never have agreed to let him have it considering we have the funeral to pay for. I'm fucked off that he would even ask for anything less than a week after she has died, nevermind then walk off with possibly the most valuable item in the whole house! angryangryangry This same relative has been harrassing the funeral directors asking when he can go and see my mum - she hasn't even been released by the bloody coronor yet!

In other news, my mum had three cats, but we were only looking for two as one of them went missing many months ago. Well guess what we found in the tip that was my brothers old bedroom? Oh yes, the missing cat. She appears to have crawled away and hid behind furniture (and various piles of teenage boy mess). It was not pretty but luckily dh is made of stronger stuff than me or my sister and he was able to remove the poor thing. We shall be having her funeral tomorrow.

When my sister realised what she had found, (and after the initial shock, screaming in panic about a dead body thus causing me to panic and both of us running from the house terrified before she got round to telling me it was only a cat body!) the first thing she thought was "We need to tell mum we've found the cat", then she realised. Those moments where you forget are the worst.

On a happier note, just after this incident, one of the missing (but alive) cats turned up so she is now at my sisters. We have asked the neighbours to keep an eye out for the remaining cat.

t875 Fri 23-Nov-12 20:06:57

Oh stickem im so sorry about the cat, and hope you get the other come back home asap.

I really felt your anger at the sewing machine thing, i would be exactly the same. I would actually track it down and say it meant a lot to her and she wants it to stay with you, whether its worth something or not which i know the one you mean and it is as its old fashioned?? But its the principle of matter of taking it so i can understand whole heartily how you are feeling. x

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Fri 23-Nov-12 22:06:42

Yes it's the principle, but it has confirmed (as if I needed it confirming!) why I'm not having anything to do with them.

We're ok about the cat, she was old and we had accepted she was most likely dead but were worried that she had been hit by a car or something, so knowing we have found her and can bury her is better than not finding her.

I keep getting hit by a wave of "she's not here" feelings every now and then about my mum. It's so hard to grasp that she won't just answer the phone if I ring. When I was in her house it felt like she was just sitting downstairs/in the kitchen/gone to the shop but then the wave would hit me again.

ssd Sat 24-Nov-12 11:34:48

stickem, I'm sorry about your relatives, god knows I've got stories about my own relatives you wouldn't believe (can we change the date of mums funeral to a week later as niece is on holiday and that date would suit them better/ don't want anything from mums flat as nothing means anything to me (dsis)/no offer of help with paying with the funeral, luckily I always made sure mum had enough in her account, she had no insurance/there's more...)

its shit and it makes the hurt worse and now it just makes me angry (and something I'll never forget)

its awful, just awful

I have an emptiness I cant get rid off, I know my mum was old and it was her time to die but I feel my past has been blown away and I feel empty, its horrible

I know the "she's not here" waves...sad

at least we are with like minded friend here..I said something earlier to dh about crying..he said "eh? why are you crying"? and looked at me dumbfounded..mum died 11 weeks ago yesterday...they've all bloody forgotten her already, no one mentions her yet its all I think about

I feel the same and my mum died a week ago. Everyone seems to be going about their lives and I just want to scream at them. The dog knocked my mug off yesterday and broke it, Its only a cheap mug from b and m but mum bought it and I've sobbed on and off since sad

ssd Sat 24-Nov-12 12:12:35

sad waiting

something like that happening is too much, isn't it

how do people get over this so quickly, its inhuman to me

I think so, my family oh about going out for dinner ect and I just want to be left at home with my thoughts

So sorry for everyone else going through this

I have arranged a date for the funeral, now got to phone everyone again and tell them

Also been to the solicitors to sort out the estate

Have been trying to find music for the funeral, it's hard to listen to the songs that remind me of him. I got rid of all dad's CD's several months ago in hindsight that was rather silly.
The song that reminds me the most of him is Yazz and The Plastic Population and 'The Only Way Is Up' which I think might be seen as slightly inappropriate for a funeral!

I have it slightly easier than most of you on this thread as dad died from ALzheimer's and so hadn't recognised me for quite a while and I'd got used to not talking to him about current events and anniversaries etc. I think its all going to hit me hard after the funeral though.

sorry to hear about your unsympathetic relatives stickem, it's hard enough without relatives making it stressful

My dad got his final wish to donate to medical science (which is a whole thread in itself) even though it wasn't quite what he had imagined and much more complicated to do than I thought it would be.

Feels odd to not be going to visit him today. I usually went on a Saturday
This thread is sad but it good to talk to other people who understand how I'm feeling.

Galaxymum Sat 24-Nov-12 15:21:22

Hi everyone. Just been catching up on the thread as I had a very busy week - partly my own choosing as I was trying to get lots of things done before my mum's inquest which is a week on Tuesday. I don't know how it will hit me but I'm expecting hearing all the details is going to be very hard. So I spent last week making sure I'm prepared with DD's Christmas presents, ensuring I'm covered with work who are being brilliant and giving me time off for the first week in December.

Hello to the new posters - so sorry you are all in the same situation but pleased you have joined us as this is a safe space to say how you feel.

Youvegottobekittenme - I had to put back mum's funeral in August due to the autopsy and it's horrible having to ring everyone again. Mum's autopsy proved inconclusive after a week of tests and in the end, the funeral director persuaded them to allow us to go ahead with the funeral. They put it to inquest which is coming up. I'm dreading it.

ssd and Stickem - yes, I have that overwhelming "she's not here" feeling. There is a huge gap at one side of me. It's just so weird. I have DH and DD on one side and nothing on the other. It feels physical. Ifind it odd I'm coping with buying Xmas presents just for DD but I don't want to be bothered with anything else. Though I have bought her presents from my mum - that mum would have bought. That gave me some comfort. But it's horrible. I feel so alone all the time, and all the forced happiness makes it worse!

Coroner is releasing with an intermin death certificate with no cause as can't find definite cause, there will now have to be an inquest sad I'm sad and scared. Angry that I think she was failed and worried what hearing it all in detail will do to us sad

mummylin Sat 24-Nov-12 17:23:15

Waitingforastartofall and Galaxymum i cannot imagine the extra heartache you both have to go through with the inquests.As if you both dont have enough to cope with. I cannot get in the mood for xmas at all but my friend [who has just lost her brother] and i decided this morning that after his funeral on Monday we will go out together and do what we have to do,even though neither of our hearts are in it.It is a terribly wet day here today and so not suitable at all for going out even if we felt like it.For all of you who have lost your parent so recently i eally feel for you all,this was me last year and although its now a year,i feel exactly the same as i did then.I cannot move on at all.
Going back to the people who decide they want this that and the other when someone dies.I had a horrible experience.Not with family but with my mums next door neighbour.They had never spoken to my mum and used to cut their hedge and let if drop over my mums garden.This upset her as she was really too old to have to clear that up.Anyway ,one day they saw my brother there and asked for mums birdbath and he said yes.When he told me i was incensed.I was at mums one day with another brother when a head appeared over the fence and she said " oh your brother said i could have the bird bath " i lost the plot and told her she couldnt.i also said you didnt bother with her when she was alive so your certainly not havinganything of hers when she is dead.I also said about leaving her to clear up after them.My language im afraid was appalling.I have to say my brother did not know where to put himself at my tirade.We purposely took it home with us in case they went round and took it.It now has pride of place in my dd's garden ! How rude is that to actually ask for anything ? greedy bastards.

How cheeky of your mums neighbours i would be raging! can totally see why you kicked off. I have been wrapping presents today but my hearts not in it, i will carry on though because the kids love christmas and have had it hard enough this last few months without me being a scrooge. my mum loved christmas we have seen some presents all wrapped in a box at her house, dreading opeening presents knowing their the last ill ever get for her and i wont have chance to give her ours to her. I am so sad today and the inquest development has really bugged me it makes me think that she didnt need to die and its because someone did or didnt do something. dont know if ill be able to handle that

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sat 24-Nov-12 18:55:30

Ok here's my selfish woe is me rant. I'll try not to do it again so here goes:

I don't have time for all this to be happening right now. I have a full time job, sole wage earner, really have to focus and do my best because I need a promotion, I have an OU degree to study for with assignments due and my Duke of Edinburgh award to get on with, which means I need to go cycling every week, be an assistant beaver leader, fundraise for a trip to sodding Africa and provide appropriate evidence of all of this to be assessed. I have a toddler I want to spend more time with and need to do crafty stuff and baking etc. Then I have to try and remember I have dh too. And it's almost Christmas.

I need to do all the things above but this is completely in the way of all of that right now. I don't have time to be doing this right now. I don't want funerals and inquests and waiting "8-10" weeks for test results for my mum. I don't want to clear her house, have to worry about the cats and worry about how my brother and sister are doing. I don't want to deal with debt agencies. I don't want to deal with "family". I don't want to cry, I don't want to be sad.

Oh stickem be kind to yourself you sound so stretched. Its hard to find a balance, if u ever feel like a pm we are both in the same boat right now waiting

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sat 24-Nov-12 19:25:48

Thanks Waiting, reading that back I sound such a bitch "thanks for dying at such an inconvenient time mum!", but it's not that is it? There is never a convenient time. I just want my mum back and if I can't have that then it feels only right that I should be able to lie in bed and be left alone until it ever stops hurting so bad, but that is as impossible as having her back would be.

You don't sound a bitch at all, I know howyou feel. Like you want to be free to hurt in peace without a million other things that don't seem important. I like you wish I could have her back and failing that want to pull a duvet over my head not make packed lunches and go to meetings

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sat 24-Nov-12 20:32:49

That's exactly it waiting.

And how did it happen? At the weekend we had walked to the supermarket with ds, we ate chips and ds made her laugh. She looked after him on Thursday. Normal everyday things.

Then she was just gone. No goodbye, no anything. Just gone forever.

That must be very hard to grasp along with everything else your trying to organise. Although my mum wasn't conscious for the week we knew what was comin I could Stoll physically see her even if we couldnt talk. Please take care of you and Ds everything else will fall in place when it needs to. It's so wrong how things can change so suddenly, people can just cease to exist.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sat 24-Nov-12 20:43:11

Thank you, and I'm so sorry you are going through this too. How can something we all know will happen, such a "normal" part of life, just tear you apart like this? I'm no good at knowing what to say to people, like you and everyone else is on here sorry blush I'm just so sad for everyone and what they're going through x

Totally agree, never know what to say but its so much better than saying nothing which people do. Went to a school event and a woman asked how mum was, felt like my stomach was being ripped through my chest then when I said she had died she kept saying your joking so I had to repeat myself sad

Beachcombergirl Sat 24-Nov-12 23:04:50

The not existing anymore part of death is awful. With mum and dad now gone I feel like my childhood and adult life until now has been smashed apart and my wonderful family has been destroyed. People say they live on in memories and yes I get that but the loss of physical presence is unbearable.

hellyd Sun 25-Nov-12 07:17:25

I know just what u mean by ,missing the physical presence, I live 2hrs away from mum but that reassuring feeling that she is just at the other end of a phone call is gone.
Thanks for the welcome i'm just so sorry their are so many of us in the same position.

ssd Sun 25-Nov-12 09:43:31

I agree totally with whats been written above, absolutely all of it

and I'm sorry for the inquests girls, god that's really hard and add stress on top of stress...and mummylin I'd have ripped the neighbours head off too!!!

re: the where has she gone thing...does anyone else constantly go through whats happened in their head? I don't know why I'm doing this all the time. Unless I'm at work and busy, its all I think of, its like I'm constantly processing it in my mind, trying to accept it. But my mum was in her 80's and just reached the end of her life, she just died of old age, so why am I still so shocked and upset 11 weeks after she died, when does someone start accepting that shes gone forever? I feel like I'm fighting accepting it, I'm looking for her everywhere, even though for years she was a very old frail mum who only went out in a wheelchair with me, we didn't walk round the shops together and chat, we haven't had that for years.

I just wish I could accept it and stop fighting it and start looking forward instead of continually going through the past in my head

I totally feel like beachcombergirl, my past has been wiped away, it didn't feel so enormous when dad died but with mum gone it feels like its all gone, I worked out I visited mum and dad every week for the last 25 years at least once a week, then in the last 14 years just mum visited at least once a week, the same house in the same village where I grew up, now I'll never go back there and its as familiar as my right arm...I did go back once a few weeks ago and drove round by myself but it hurt so much I cant go back

and yes yes to not being bothered with anything, I have no joy in all the xmassy stuff too, in fact shopping makes me really lonely and teary, I used to love xmas shopping and the build up but this year I'm just on the verge of tears every time I'm out...
and dh has really pissed me off, he hasn't seen how upset I am at all, he didn't cry when his mum died and got over it immediately (but his mum wasn't someone you'd cry over, sounds horrible but sadly true), anyway dh has organised for me to go to some big night out and keeps saying oh just go really impatiently, its the last thing I want and its making me really panicky

I'm sorry to be all about me , I know we are all hurting here xxx

ssd Sun 25-Nov-12 09:44:25

I agree totally with whats been written above, absolutely all of it

and I'm sorry for the inquests girls, god that's really hard and add stress on top of stress...and mummylin I'd have ripped the neighbours head off too!!!

re: the where has she gone thing...does anyone else constantly go through whats happened in their head? I don't know why I'm doing this all the time. Unless I'm at work and busy, its all I think of, its like I'm constantly processing it in my mind, trying to accept it. But my mum was in her 80's and just reached the end of her life, she just died of old age, so why am I still so shocked and upset 11 weeks after she died, when does someone start accepting that shes gone forever? I feel like I'm fighting accepting it, I'm looking for her everywhere, even though for years she was a very old frail mum who only went out in a wheelchair with me, we didn't walk round the shops together and chat, we haven't had that for years.

I just wish I could accept it and stop fighting it and start looking forward instead of continually going through the past in my head

I totally feel like beachcombergirl, my past has been wiped away, it didn't feel so enormous when dad died but with mum gone it feels like its all gone, I worked out I visited mum and dad every week for the last 25 years at least once a week, then in the last 14 years just mum visited at least once a week, the same house in the same village where I grew up, now I'll never go back there and its as familiar as my right arm...I did go back once a few weeks ago and drove round by myself but it hurt so much I cant go back

and yes yes to not being bothered with anything, I have no joy in all the xmassy stuff too, in fact shopping makes me really lonely and teary, I used to love xmas shopping and the build up but this year I'm just on the verge of tears every time I'm out...
and dh has really pissed me off, he hasn't seen how upset I am at all, he didn't cry when his mum died and got over it immediately (but his mum wasn't someone you'd cry over, sounds horrible but sadly true), anyway dh has organised for me to go to some big night out and keeps saying oh just go really impatiently, its the last thing I want and its making me really panicky

I'm sorry to be all about me , I know we are all hurting here xxx

ssd Sun 25-Nov-12 09:45:34

oh sorry about that x

mummylin Sun 25-Nov-12 16:41:23

i want my mum back too sad have been to cemetery today to take her her little angel and her heart.It was so damn miserable there today.was pouring with rain and so gloomy.I did not know my mum was going to die,neither did she.Its awful.Does anyone think weird things like me ? i worry my mum is getting wet at the moment and if its flooded underground.I cant help it.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sun 25-Nov-12 17:05:25

mummylin I think weird things but strangely, not about what is happening/will happen to her mortal remains. She always told me that when you die what is left is just the shell you lived in, it's not you anymore. Wherever your mum is I'm sure she wouldn't be hanging around the graveyard - my grandad always told me he would have better things to do than that when he died. wink

I am however concerned about what happens to the "you" part of you; everything she thought, everything she did/wanted to do, memories, likes and dislikes. I wish I knew where all that part of someone goes. Somedays I believe in heaven, somedays I just panic that there is nothing. Dh says he doesn't care if there is nothing but I don't know how he can be ok with that. I find that thought very scary.

ssd Sun 25-Nov-12 17:14:54

I cant accept theres nothing, its too overwhelming sad

t875 Sun 25-Nov-12 17:44:45

I definitively cant think there is nothing there, i have had a lot of messages and connections and strangely i feel her presence, i also feel when she isn't around.

But...some days that helps me and gives me comfort and other days it doesnt work.
I just dont understand why im struggling again, it must be christmas coming up and she would have loved everything, she would have been so excited and now shes gone, its funny she said to me last christmas, "why dont you have the table cloth" I said "you need it though mum for next year!" "oh its ok, its fine and she passed it" - I wonder if she knew something...she wasnt all that keen either to talk about this christmas... I wonder if they know..my mum spoke to me in a strange deep way a few days before she passed about some boxes like storage boxes with butterflies, she said "I really want you to have them.." When i look back, that was a very strange conversation..i found them boxes and my girls have got some lovely bits in them.

Thinking of everyone xx

I am on countdown now as funeral arranged for thursday and with intermin death certificate it will definatly be going ahead. All feels so much more real now. dreading inquest, i just dont want to hear about all the things that went wrong. I miss her so much already not sure i can listen to everyone listed out

ssd Sun 25-Nov-12 21:00:14

do you need to go to the inquest? I think if you cant face it leave it till when/if you can

hugs for thursday, a most surreal day IME

I hope i dont have to go, they had told us that her stomach had perforated, and she wouldnt survive an operation to fix it so there was nothing they can do. but i dont see how a coroner would not then record a verdict of that when doing autopsy so makes me wonder if they have made mistakes or lied and i dont think i could handle that

ssd Sun 25-Nov-12 22:53:36

sad I dont think I could handle that either

if I were you I'd stay well clear for just now, until you're ready to handle it

xx

t875 Mon 26-Nov-12 09:49:09

Oh bless you waiting I couldn't imagine what you are going through, i still have that nagging feeling of asking to see the scans of my mums brain scan, but what the hell would i do if i found anything not right, I was a royal pia pushing them to do this and that, telling the consultant if he couldn't do anything get someone who can at the time I wonder could they have done more, ..just don't know..im bitter at the moment though so this clouds my mind a lot. I did phone a brain hospital up London and they said my mum going straight to ICU with a stroke was not a good sign in the first place. sad

Were all get eachother through these dark times xx

It's nice to talk to people who aren't telling me how to feel and act.my brother has really not handled the need for inquest well.and Is convinced they could of done more it might be true but he just keeps on and its not easy to hear repeatedly that she should still be here sad

mummylin Mon 26-Nov-12 10:38:53

I also veer from going to thoughts that mum died because of something they did / didnt do.And like someone else has said funny little things pop into your head about wether they suspect something is going to happen.My mum told me who the two hampers on the bed were for and asked me to give her friend back her old peoples club membership card.its all very weird.Well today is the day of my friends brothers funeral and its reminding me of my poor sisters funeral [ same time of year and just a few days apart]She is still in utter disbelief and is heartbroken.But we have planned to go out and shop together tomorrow.We will get each other through. Now i have to go and see what i am going to wear and have a bath.Funeral is at 2pm. chins up everyone, we will all get there wherever there is !

t875 Mon 26-Nov-12 11:08:18

Will be thinking of you today mummylin, that would be very hard and i can imagine its going to be hard for you.

waiting It really must be hard for you, we are here for you to talk too hun

xx

I hope your friends brothers funeral goes as well as is possible and that shopping is in kind to you both, i am doing most of ours online this year really cant be fussed or sending dp out. Its very hard t875 i know what he means and there is part of me that really does want to know but i know it wont bring her back. Very sad today, mums parcel for christmas arrived, i was going to keep it at the house or give to her husband but it is totally smashed to pieces. Have had huge argument with delivery company and denounced them on social networking sites as because it was 3 for 2 it has to go back and another one be sent. when i said no i dont want another and this is why she said i would not be refunded in any way because of three for 2 so i now have to go through it being delivered again next week. sad

mummylin Mon 26-Nov-12 13:00:28

I am ready but my heart is beating like the clappers. i dithered about what to wear and i was going to wear th top that i bought for my mums ,BUT i couldnt do it and put it back in the wardrobe,i am however wearing the cardigan that was also for my mums. Have spoken to my friend several times this am and i feel so sad for her and all the rest of the family. Im off now ,thanks for good wishes and thoughts x

ssd Mon 26-Nov-12 18:47:49

hope the funeral went as well as possible mummylin x

I'm sorry for the girls feeling that something could have been done to save your mums, this must be hard to take and accept. I dont have that.my mum died naturally of old age, she went peacefully which I'm grateful for, at least I think she did, I wasnt there, she was alone, although I seen her before she was taken out of her flat and she still had her wee hands clasped in her lap, leaning over on the couch like she has just toppled over gently. I hope my dad was there to meet her when she passed, I really think they are together now and I'm happy for them, I hope I get to see them again, the thought of never ever seeing them again kills me. I just want to know they are together and are ok, I could accept things if I felt they were somewhere, the thought of them both just gone totally is unacceptable to me.

The world feels a very lonely place just now..mums death has brought back dads death and I feel like I've lost everything.

BlackCatinChristmasChaos Mon 26-Nov-12 22:24:00

Funeral went o.k. today. Feeling a bit sad and lost for words. Must go to bed now as life carries on tomorrow (school run etc).

Hope I'm feeling a little better tomorrow.

Thinking of you all xx

ssd Mon 26-Nov-12 22:40:16

blackcat, at least its over..how is your mum doing? and you of course xx

ssd Tue 27-Nov-12 09:35:35

I found this site, dont know if it'll help anyone but will post anyway

www.recover-from-grief.com

BlackCatinChristmasChaos Tue 27-Nov-12 09:45:13

Not really sure how mum is, I guess she is as good as anyone can be in these situations. She was very busy (had lots of people to talk to at the wake) so I didn't get much time with her. (sounds selfish I know)

I feel like my head is a blur at the mo. Just hope there are no more funerals to go to this year (been to 2 in the last 2 months).

I broke down in tears last night after dropping a packet of newly opened biscuits all over the floor. I guess it's sometimes the little things that are like the final straw! DH was saying "it's only biscuits", I guess he doesn't get the real reason I was/am feeling so down. sad

Also had the HV phone last night (evening) to see how we were getting on. I was lost for words so she is coming to visit instead.
How the hell to do get back to normality?
I think it all hits you at the funeral.

Can't get my head around Christmas yet but the shops are full of it.

Sorry if I'm just going on about me as I know there are others on this thread going through it too.

Thinking of you all. Just can't think of the right words right now. x

BlackCatinChristmasChaos Tue 27-Nov-12 09:47:15

Thanks for the link ssd I will take a look. x

mummylin Tue 27-Nov-12 13:27:01

good morning all.well yesterday was not too bad and my friend held up very well.ssd i had a look at the link you posted and of course went straight to the mum section.I read quite a lot of the stories and i can see they are all without exception feeling as most of us here are.But im not going to read anymore or i will get obsessed and want to read every single story on the whole site which i dont think would be healthy. Such awful sadness all over the world.

Hi all, have been thinking of you all, especially mummylin and blackcat - it sounds like you coped as well as can be expected. Can you take some time now just to rest a bit and try to relax. I know I find these emotional occasions so so tiring and overwhelming.

ssd great link - I'll take some time to read through.

I don't always post - often nothing to say or too much to say to be able write it all down, but I do read this thread regularly and identify with so many of your experiences.

I seem to be good at welling up at inappropriate times just now - a friend organised a card sale which I felt I should support her at. Didn't expect the tears to flow quite so freely! sad I find I can keep it in OK around strangers but certain good friends set me off. I guess I keep it all in for them!

mumto2lovelygals Tue 27-Nov-12 23:14:09

It is nearly a year since my mum died, the 12th December. I miss talking to her so much, only she cared about the trivial stuff. I spoke to her everyday at 6pm and even now I think I should be calling her.

Can't sleep at all tonight. I miss my mum so very much. We drove that way across town today and Ds got all excited cause e were going the way to nannas which brought on a huge bout of sobbing and him saying he will be sad for the rest of forever. He's in my bed cause I.can't bear not to be near him. It's so hard without her, I find myself avoiding people just so they won't ask how we are doing. My friends have been total crap and are avoiding me like the plague. Sorry for the moan do went back to 15 hour nights tonight and I'm not doing so good. Hope today has been kinder to you all

mummylin Wed 28-Nov-12 09:27:49

mumto2lovelygals I had the year anniversary on the 30tH October and to be honest ,i dreaded it.BUT it was nowhere near as bad as i was expecting ,yes it was very very sad and of course relived the previous year,but i coped on the actual day.I hope it wil be the same for you.
waiting you sound very distressed and i hope you did eventually manage to get some sleep.I think it takes a long while to realise that yes it is true and the unthinkable has happened.I do find that people tend to just ignore the fact that we have had a massive loss and i get really annoyed that they dont acknowledge my mum at all.As stated previously ,i have not spoken to my neighbour because he didnt even say that he was sorry to hear the sad news.Nothing ! I think some people find it hard to bring up the subject but others actually dont give a damn and this is what makes me so bloody angry.
to everyone i hope you will all have a better day than you did yesterday,we have to take it day by day i think. thanks for you all x

Hey mummylin can't get in to see my doctor but have got tonsilitis! Just going to power through tomorrow and hopefullyget some sleep tonight. Had an awful night last night but feel better able to deal with tomorrow. The vicar is lovely and the service what we wanted. Just hope we do her proud sad

ssd Wed 28-Nov-12 09:40:31

I'm sure you will, waiting. and I hope the doc gives you something and you feel better soon.

I've been really teary this past week, worse than ever. I feel everyone else has moved on, except me. Tried to chat to dh last night but he so doent get it, I think it alarms him to think I'm not getting over it yet, dont really feel I've got much support at all - thank god for the internet!!

xx to us all

Always here if you want a chat, I don't think people do realise unless they have been through it themselves and it can feel like your the only one left feeling that way while everyone moves on

Dad's funeral is on Tuesday

I can't believe how stressed I am about it and how many little things there are to do. I bet there's someone I've forgotten to contact
I am trying to collect memories from people for the service. But DS2 doesn't remember him even though he is 11, which made me realise just how long ago dad started showing symptoms.

I am ploughing through 3 boxes and about 8 albums of photos and also fitting in as much house clearing as I can.

Although he wasn't 'there' for quite a while it feels odd to know that he really is no longer here and the weekends will be strange without visiting, even though he didn't recognise me.

Hope you have a better day today waiting
ssd my dh doesn't really get it either. I really want someone to advise me on what I should keep and chuck when I'm sorting. His parents seem to throw everything out!

mumto2lovelygals I'm sorry it's still so tough for you, a year is really nothing, I think early days, be kind to yourself xx I know what you mean about missing speaking to your Mum - I feel exactly the same, it doesn't seem right and I've so much to tell her!

waiting sorry you're poorly but glad you are happy with the vicar/funeral plans. I had sinusitis when we were planning Mum's funeral, I'm sure it made everything even harder to deal with. When we are ill reserves are so low... Hope you start to feel better soon.

ssd my dh doesn't get it either. When I cry he doesn't know where to put himself, he has never had the intense relationship I had with my Mum - there is a big hole where she should be sad

Kitten will be thinking of you on Tuesday, I'm sure you wont forget anything or anyone... It's such hard work arranging funerals, even if you were fully functioning and not in the middle of grieving too!

Hi to everyone else thanks

t875 Wed 28-Nov-12 17:47:32

mumto2lovelygirls - It still must be there on and off for years to come, thinking of you and i know exactly what you mean! I do talk to her but wether she can hear i only have to believe she can. Sending you hugs!!

waiting - Hope you get better soon, hope you have a lot of support in RL will be thinking of you. x

blackcat - ive also been thinking of you and im sure you did do your mum proud, them final moments i really felt such a mixture of emotion, i was obviously sad, but my god i felt her with us and her telling me she is ok i cant explain the feeling x

Kitten - You will be in my thoughts for Tuesday, we will be here for you after, it is a very hard day. My daughters didn't go to the funeral or the wake - But they got a yankee candle each they chose it, and i lit the candles round the flowers after, it smelt beautiful around the flowers. Thinking of you and heres a hug for the day. xx

Mummylin - Glad the funeral went ok, what a friend you are to support your friend, when it must have been hard for you. I think you should treat yourself now to something you love for you x

ssd - hun, always here as you know. It is very tough, and i am right with you, although it has got a little easier as time has gone on, this time of year is really rocking me hard!! I am really stressed and really sad a lot more and also a touch angry, i am feeling extremely overwhelmed too with everything, my brothers being an arse again..why i would have thought he was any different im a fool.
thanks for your link, i want to finish reading it tonight but it had some very helpful things on there.
remember the poem letters from heaven hun it gives me great comfort when needed xx

{{Hugs}} to everyone

I have lots of support from partner and dad not so much from friends. Family are a v practical bunch Noone wants to cuddle. I like a hug now and again! Love to you all

ssd Wed 28-Nov-12 19:54:04

hi everyone

dh watching the footie, all is peaceful so far!! I feel I'm very short with the kids just now, they are stuck in more with these dark nights and they tend to fight all the bloody time!!

getting on with dh a bit better tonight, feel a bit less stressed

have got mum constantly on my mind though, its like a never ending reel going on that I cant stop, constantly going over everything, thinking it all through again and again

I have got support from friends, but I'm the only one of us to have lost both mum and dad and friends just dont get the enormity of it, they will one day I know. My parents were always the oldest parents among my friends and they have gone first, I really was a late child!! My mum was 85 and I was the only person I knew who had such an old mum, most of my friends have mums in late 60's or 70's and still alive and able.

I feel I'm keeping too much in, I need to be able to speak about mum but theres no one there. I tried cruse but they said its too early for counselling. Does anyone know of any other way to access counselling? There is a cruse group that meets on a monday but its at he time the kids come home from school and I need to be home to be home then...any advice welcome xx

mumto2lovelygals Wed 28-Nov-12 22:24:22

Thank you mummylin and maybeyou, I feel better tonight and trying to think about marking the anniversary in some way. I want to just stay under the duvet but that would make my mum very cross. She was a tough old bird who got on with life no matter what it threw at her.

mumto2lovelygals Wed 28-Nov-12 22:32:47

Just read your post ta75 and it made me think I can still talk to her, she just can't answer back and boy did she have some strong opinions! My dad died when I was 25 and she had 18 years on her own and showed me how strong women can be. I do hope they can both see how my Brother and I turned out and all their grand children. I also feel for the poster who had older parents, I am so jealous of people my age who still have their mum and dad.

I agree that people don't understand, my mum was very poorly and died on the 16th she was only 45 none of my friends have bothered to come and see me or see how I am because " they dont know what to say" as I'm the first to lose a parent, but it still makes Me sad, surely I deserve some compassion from my friends

mumto2lovelygals Wed 28-Nov-12 22:47:54

Oh I'm so sorry waitingfor. My friends really didn't get it when I lost my dad. He was 63 and I was 25 and they had not even considered losing their parents. I honestly think that unless you have lost someone close to you it is hard to get the physical pain of grief. You will find the best friends are the ones that stay close even if they don't say much. Sending you big hugs tonight and you will find lots of friends here who get it.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Wed 28-Nov-12 23:02:51

What am I supposed to do to start trying to get over this? I just can't get past the fact that she was there and then just gone, without even a goodbye.

I wake up every morning expecting a text from her to be waiting for me. I keep thinking of things I want to call her to tell her about.

I need her to tell me what to do now. She would know.

Thinking of you all tonight, getting your feelings out on here really helps. I feel the same stickem she's the only person who would take charge of the situation.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Thu 29-Nov-12 01:21:18

The funeral is next Wednesday. I really don't want to go. None of it means anything to me and I will be surrounded by people I hate, people crying for my mum who they never cared enough to help. I don't want to see them. I don't want to go. I never wanted to go to my granddad's funeral but I did so because my mum wanted me there. It was like torture.

And on a practical level I need ds with me as much as possible. He is what keeps me going. But he would cause a scene at the church I know he would. So I thought I could stay at the back so I can leave if I need to. But then I thought what is the point of going at all?

Couldn't I just do something that means something to me, and ds to celebrate and signify how much we loved her?

Is it really so bad of me to not go to the funeral? I don't know what to do.

amazingmumof6 Thu 29-Nov-12 01:48:55

stickem - of course you don't want to go, but you should, it might not mean anything now, but things change and you have to say goodbye to your mum! and your DS to his grandmother!

if you don't go you will probably regret it, so do it for her,
take ds with you and so what if he makes a scene? ignore everyone and be there for your mum! anyway, ds might behave better than you think

I was 7 months pregnant and had to fly over 2 hours to go to the town my dad's funeral was held - I had to fly on my own as we just couldn't afford tickets for Dh and 4 DSs as well (would have been over £1500!)
It was hard coz he'd divorced my mum, run off with a woman barely older than me, had 2 kids with her and that bitch organized the eulogy which left us speechless as my mother wasn't even mentioned as his wife of 25 years! really horrible!
but I just had to be there to realize I'll never see him again and had to say goodbye to him for the last time!

so sorry for all of your losses! sad

amazingmumof6 Thu 29-Nov-12 01:57:27

and it's not bad of you if you don't go, but you know that closure thing is important...and for lack of a better phrase you don't want to "miss out" - if you know what I mean.
you don't want to wake up the next day and think "shit, I should have gone!" bad enough that she's passed away, you don't want to also feel guilty.

you don't want to see the other people that you hate, fine, avoid talking to them, leave after the ceremony and go and eat a nice ice-cream with DS. but go and say goodbye

Todays the day guys, funeral is not till two but I have to go back to the doctors at half nine the lymph nodes in my neck are bigger than my actual neck. Dreading not being able to het thrpugh the service I'm In so much pain. Keep feeling really sick and will be ages away from.toilets ect. Went on facebook last night to see two of mums friends discussing me an my siblings ans grandparents saying they don't know how we cope and that they'd just not get out of bed ect. Was really annoyed tbh I'm trying to be so strong for everyone but it seems people think I'm heartless cause I go food shopping and pick the kids up , I do cry tbf just not in the middle of town and on demand!

ssd Thu 29-Nov-12 09:34:55

waiting, we here will be with you in spirit today, honestly, you will get through it, you'll be heartbroken and sore but you'll get through it. I'm so sorry, its just horrible. Don't want to frighten you, but just be aware the hearse will pull up with the coffin in it, I hate to write that but that was the part that threw me, I didn't expect it, try not to stare at it or you'll get taken over by emotions, just cuddle your kids and smile at them, that's what your mum would have wanted. I just felt the funeral was one big show, I, like stickem had lots of relatives there and all I could think was where were you when me and mum needed you? I hope you waiting don't have this. I really hope you get through it and you can collapse in a heap tonight, will be thinking of you

and stickem, I honestly know exactly what you mean. I didn't want to go to mums funeral either, I totally refused to think about it, on the day I had no trousers to wear I nearly went in black jeans, I just didn't want to prepare or think about it at all, I nearly took the boys away to the beach for an ice cream that day, I just didn't want to face it. and like you I had lots of family turn up who were never there for mum, all those years with just me visiting her and helping her, then at her funeral everyone turned up to cry....well I thought, you're all too bloody late.

I didn't get any closure at mums funeral, I'm still waiting for any closure, I think it'll come gradually over time. I didn't say goodbye to mum there, I'm still talking to her all the time in my head, I'll never say goodbye to her, I feel her and my dad are with me sort of inside me, maybe in my heart, I don't know, its like having an inner glow, I just feel them there. But sometimes I feel nothing and that when the pain of it all hits me hard.

mumtogals, your mum sounds great, very like my mum, my mum was very strong and just carried on when dad died too, she knew she had no choice...and she never ever complained, in fact she was proud of how well she did.

hugs to us all, we are all here for each other, even though I haven't mentioned everyone I'm thinking of you all xxx

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Thu 29-Nov-12 09:48:12

I'm thinking of you waiting.

Lots of family coming who were never there when she was ill.The children have gone to school I think he's too young to take it all on and I couldn't cope with him there too. Dp coming with, just want it over x

ScubaSarah Thu 29-Nov-12 19:06:16

Hi all
Can I join this thread? Firstly, my heartfelt sympathies and very beat wishes to all of you. Waiting, I hope you feel better and Kitten, I hope Tuesday wasn't too painful and you found some solace and support.
I lost mum in Feb and its still so hard. It did make me realise how much I wanted to be a mum though, I'd been very unsure and at 39 I needed to get on with it. Got my BFP on Sunday and my god I miss her more than ever now. DH doesn't understand and tells me I have his mum. While that's true and she is great, she's not my Mum!
I'm hoping my grieving on and off won't upset the little bean too much :-/
Take care of yourselves xx

mignonette Thu 29-Nov-12 19:24:36

Waiting forAStar

Thinking of you today and my heartfelt sympathies to all of the posters here.

X x X

ssd Thu 29-Nov-12 21:20:34

hi scuba, of course you can join in, you'll get plenty of support here...and many congratulations, I can imagine your emotions must be all over the place now...and I'm sorry for you loss, I know how hard that is

xx

Today didn't go so well, funeral was ok as expected but I ended tonight whizzed off in ambulance, need surgery on my throat in morning sad

ssd Fri 30-Nov-12 08:08:20

aw waiting, I'm so sorry, big hugs to you for today, you're going through the mill,hope the surgery goes well xx

Just want the pain to stop it don't matter what they need too. Waiting to go down now x

ScubaSarah Fri 30-Nov-12 08:43:45

SSD - thanks :-)
Waiting, so sorry to hear, you're really having a tough time huh! Hope today goes well and things start to pick up for you x

mummylin Fri 30-Nov-12 09:31:15

Oh dear waiting im sorry you now have further troubles to deal with.Hope you coped as well as could be expected yesterday.I hope the surgery has gone well.Will you have to stay in hospital or can you go home afterwards ?
scuba welcome to our thread.You must be having such mixed emotions.The grief from your mum ,but the elation from getting your positive pregnancy test.That is something wonderful to look forward to at least.
everyone It will soon be time to start writing our xmas messages to our loved ones .Shall we have a new thread for that or write on here ? yesterday i bought two little xmas trees for the cemetery and some little robins too.I intend to make the graves as pretty as possible over the holiday period. Have managed to get a bit more shopping although my heart is not in it at all.I dont seem to have any enthusiasm for anything anymore.Im sure when mum died my heart went with her and i cant seem to get it back,even though the 1st year has now passed.ssd hope you are ok xx

t875 Fri 30-Nov-12 09:44:20

Waiting - you poor thing. What a hell of a time. Your having
Hope u feel better soon. Was thinking of you for the funeral. X

Scuba - hi scuba first of all I'm so sorry to hear about your loads. We are all here for you on this thread. It's very supportive.
Congrats on your positive. Hope your ok xx

mignonette Fri 30-Nov-12 10:37:51

My Fathers ashes are scattered in another country where he had a second home with his 2nd wife. I don't have anywhere to take anything which is a bit disconcerting.

Nothingontvat3am Fri 30-Nov-12 11:16:15

Hope you don't mind me adding in here but I'm finding things a bit tough today. My beautiful mum died 6 years ago - she was very ill and my logical brain says it ultimately was the best thing for her but I miss her so much. Selfishly I can't help but still be angry and hurt sometimes that she hasn't been there when I needed her. I've been through a hard time with infertility and throughout that I so wanted to talk to my mum. Dad does his best but bless him he's very old fashioned especially about anything to do with reproduction etc. now I have my beautiful dd and mum will never know her - and vice versa. Thought it would get easier but here I am 6 years later still sobbing about how unfair it is and how much I miss her! We had our moments - esp in my teenage years but that was because we were so alike and once I'd grown up a bit we had a fabulous relationship and had she not been taken from me would be firm friends now. It just sucks.

mignonette Fri 30-Nov-12 11:19:07

Nothing

You are not being selfish in needing some mothering yourself especially when times are hard. I really feel for you. Do you have any older female relatives such as aunts that could slowly fill some of the gap? It is never ideal but it can help.

Love to you....xx

Nothingontvat3am Fri 30-Nov-12 11:27:05

Thanks x I get on really well with the mil - have been with her son since we were 17 - but it's not the same. Unfortunately we haven't seen any of mums family since her funeral but that's another issue. I'm surprised though how much it still hurts, still find it difficult to listen to some of the music mum liked for example. Good days and bad days I guess.

mignonette Fri 30-Nov-12 11:32:12

There will always be pain I think. I recall a column by Vanessa feltz in 'She' magazine about her visiting a shopping mall and hearing an announcement that they had a lost child looking for her Mother. Vanessa said she felt like putting a similar announcement out in the hope that her own recently dead Mother would return. It was a lovely piece of writing. Before she went rogue, Vanessa wrote beautifully.

Oh my goodness waiting I hope the surgery goes well and pray for a quick recovery for you. I'm glad you managed the funeral - I'm sure you'll look back and be glad you were there - but you must have been feeling so dreadfulsad Get well soon x

Congratulations ScubaSarah always lovely to hear happy news on our thread! Obviously very mixed feelings for you though.

mignonette I know how you feel about having nowhere special to mourn. Mum's ashes haven't been scattered yet and she had quite specific instructions as to where and how - most of them in the sea but some on family graves. I'm finding it really hard to 'find' her just now, I'm hoping when I can at least go to the sea and know she's been scattered I might find some peace <hopes>

smile smile smile those are for mum as she's Scottish (from St Andrews) and it's St Andrews Day today!

nothing thinking of you, glad you've found us. Any feelings we express here I think at least one of us will have felt them too and identify - don't apologise for your emotions smile

Hello to everyone I've missed!

Out of surgery now guys thanks for wishing me well. Feeling v sore will deffo b here tonight x

mummylin Fri 30-Nov-12 16:30:10

mignonette do you have a place in your garden you can make your own little memorial to your dad ? that may help a bit.
waiting so glad your surgery is over and now you will be on the way to recovery.What a terrible couple of days you have had.
Nothingontvat3am You will probably always miss your mum now ,but i think we know what you mean when you would of normally turned to mum for advice or just to tell her something .Now she isnt there who can we tell instead.There is no-one else who is the same.It is a shame that your mum isnt here to share your little dd with you.My own sister has had twin girls since our mum died and we really felt that too.
On a different topic ,i just fell over !!! no i wasnt drunk .My dh had a belt on the end of the bed and somehow i got my foot caught up in it and went flying !! i was so worried about the bag of stuff i had in my hand as its breakable things and they are xmas gifts !! But i am fine ,really thought i had damaged myself.But i have reassured dh i can still cook dinner smile

I am sooooo bored in here

mignonette Fri 30-Nov-12 17:57:28

I'm not sure that having somewhere in my garden would help. I think it is more a case of because I can't go to where my Father is scattered very easily (indeed I don't know where it is!), then it has assumed more importance in my mind....

Hope you are released soon Waiting. Try to sleep.....Xx

mumto2lovelygals Fri 30-Nov-12 19:58:59

Hope it all went well waiting!

Think so pain has literally disappeared instantly. With mum bein ill three weeks she then spent her last week in a coma with 13 days to organise funeral and grieve I prpbbaly haven't had a nights sleep in 5 weeks so going to try sleep thrpugh tonight then whizz off home tomorrow to rest .been thinkin of u all xxxx

ScubaSarah Sat 01-Dec-12 08:16:28

Mummylin t875 & maybe thanks for your welcomes and warm words. It is bittersweet but I'm trying to focus on the positives...
Nothing sorry for your loss, be kind to yourself
Waiting so glad to hear you're feeling better, hope you get home soon

ssd Sat 01-Dec-12 10:10:23

waiting, I'm glad the pain in your throat has gone, that must have been awful....now just to sort out the pain in your heart eh sad. I hope you get a bit of a rest when you get home, plenty of time in bed and ice cream!!

well its the weekend, a time when a lot of us went to visit our mums or dads and what do we do now they're not here? I'm really struggling with that at the moment. We have no extended family here now, all of the grandparents are now dead and we have no one to visit/invite over...and I must admit, dh and I don't have friends that we have over, we have lived round the kids and my mum for so long we've neglected ourselves....I have friends I see by myself, but we don't have lots of people to ask round, TBH the house is really small and its a squash if more people come in!! All I long for is some close family nearby, that we can pop into or they can come here, we've never had that and its something I've always craved, mum used to visit but as she became older it was just me going over to hers all the time, for about 5 years it was like this. I've forgot what I like to do now I have time, I wander about lost or just watch crap on telly....

anyway, enough of me, I hope this weekend is kind to us all and we don't have to face too many Xmas telly adverts where they show the big families tucking onto turkey on Xmas day... even ds says why do the adverts always have fit grandparents in them, we don't have any sad, he's too young to say that at 11

sad oh how sad from your Ds . Keep your chin up and doing lots of stuff to keep you busy. Im waiting to go home all being well so tired tbh really struggled this week wanted my mum here , came round from anaesthetic screaming for her and a nurse said she would go get her sad my nurse explained and I felt so sorry for this little student that looked like someone had just kicked her puppy.

Morning allsmile

Hope you are still pain free waiting and get to go home today. Did you get any sleep?

mummylin are you in one piece today? Not too bruised I hope??

ssd I think the times when dd says how much she misses her Granny are definitely the hardest. I'm very jealous of others who are off visiting their mums constantly. I'm lucky to still have Dad but he lives 200 miles away so we don't see him often enough. I hope someday he'll move closer to either me or my sister... He had a heart attack last year, so I'm aware he isn't as strong as he pretends to be sad

I've given up watching ads - too heartbreaking and saccharine sweet!

Am exhausted today, spent yesterday in school making christmas decs and the evening going round dds best friends school fair <add apostrophes etc where you like!> Today I want a quiet day but guess we'd better at least start the shopping....

Have a good day everyone x

X-posted waiting Oh bless you - wanting our Mums is a common theme around here. Did you get a cuddle from anyone? We're always here...

Didn't really get a cuddle until dp turned up at seven but he waa good

ssd Sat 01-Dec-12 11:04:47

hope you get plenty of TLC today waiting, you deserve it (as do we all!!)

here's to doing some Xmas shopping and having a huge lump in our throats whilst doing it (sorry waiting!!)

and avoiding those bloody adverts grin

Lol! Even I laughed at that huge bandage been taken on and replaced with slightly smaller ones. I biy upset cause.can't go till 4pm after another drip so won't b home till after tea and step kids will have gone home x

ssd Sat 01-Dec-12 18:26:40

hopefully you'll get a bit of peace then? x

Home bow got back 15 mins before, Ds ishere for a bit then staying at my dads cause once dp goes to work I'm not so steady on my feet to have him myself . Sinking in now, I need her so much x

ssd Sat 01-Dec-12 19:29:09

I know you do, is just so bloody sad she's not here anymore...........I'm sorry

wish you were near me I'd come round and let you have a cry and a cuppa sad

Ah that'd be nice, have had all my meds and feeling a bit better. How are we all

Hello all...

I lost my Mum on the 21st September this year. We were very close. I have 5 siblings, 3 sisters and 2 brothers, I am the youngest and was the closest to her. I have coped very well, remarkably in fact, but I haven't really felt 'normal' since it happened even though everything is back to normal, and has been for some time.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here, guess I'm trying to make sense of it all and can't...

Hi willi sorry to hear you are in the same position as us it is all very final and I think you do return to normal, go about your day then it hits like a train. Noone really understands that but its totally normal. Be kind to yourself and don't feel guilty for grieving however it suits you best

t875 Sun 02-Dec-12 23:46:56

Hi Everyone. Im not too bad, in and out. Had some bad days last week, the last few days have been better. Very hard with Christmas coming and trying to think of organizing things without her but im trying to get on and do them special things she would like us to do to keep her close and her memory alive.
But its all very hard too.

I have been seeing a Councillor at CRUSE and i have to say it is very good, and very helpful. I thought i was going to be talking over everything but i haven't been, its helping to move on but to take her with me.

If anyone wants me to share what the lady has been saying to me, the practical ideas then let me know, if i can help in a tiny way from saying what she said i gladly will do so as i know and still do the pain this all is, and deep void that we are going through.

Thinking of you all x

mummylin Mon 03-Dec-12 16:16:15

hello everyone ,had a good weekend but having a very bad day today.I had to go to see our practice nurse today to have a blood pressure reading done ,i was talking about my mum and i lost the plot .She has made an apt for me to go back at 5.30 tonight to see my doc.I did have high blood pressure reading ,but she thinks i cant carry on as i am at the moment without seeing him.So am back down there in about an hours time.
On a lighter subject i went to see david essex last night. the rock tour and he was fab ,so that cheered me up a bit.Sorry to see we have a newcomer here so hello to WillIEverBeASizeTen not to upset you but i am !!! Sorry you have had to join our support thread but it reallyis helpful to be able to witter away on here ,at least we can put down exactly how we are feeling and everyone else understands it.You sound as though you have coped very well.ssd hope you are ok ,i know you are feeling it all terribly. We will all be ok one day.we just have to cope until we get to " one day "

ssd Mon 03-Dec-12 16:51:50

hi girls, am not too bad today, just trying not to think about things too much as it hurts too much

maybe a good chat to the dr will help mummylin, maybe they will refer you for counselling, I think that would help me too, let us know how you get on tonight x

hope the doctor goes okay mummylin and glad you arent too bad today ssd. Sorry to any newcomers i have missed and welcome, although we wish we werent this has been a safe haven for how we are all feeling.

I am recovering well from surgery,coming from anaesthetic was hell i must of been dreaming and when i woke i was screaming for her, a student stood over me kept saying shh ill go and get her until my nurse informed her that id been her to funeral the day before. the poor student looked like someone had kicked her i felt awful, totally not her fault and i only hope i havent scarred her for life. Still in a lot of pain and on lots of tablets so im not really sure how im feeling now, had a horrible day yesterday where i was just so sad couldnt be botherd with anything but felt awful for ds whos only 5 so we dragged the advent calendards out and watched some christmas stuff. He will be my reason to get through this much as im sure your children will be for you.

I would like a bauble or ornament in memory for my tree does anyone know where i might find one?

Beachcombergirl Mon 03-Dec-12 18:42:02

Feeling so angry and sad and I just don't see how I will ever feel any better. I went christmas shopping today and just couldn't stay. There were too many happy families and kind grandparents that I jus felt floored over the loss of my parents. Also I dreamt about dad for the first time since mum died. He didn't have dementia in my dream and just gave me a hug and said he was sad too about losing mum (he died first).

I just feel so sad and am being very very moody. My poor dh has a lot to deal with. Also he has to go away with work this week so it's. just going to be me and six month old dd until Friday. Not looking forward to that.

YulePutTatOnMyChristmasTree Mon 03-Dec-12 19:33:37

Funeral tomorrow

Am dreading it

on the plus side I bought some red tights for my 'item of bright clothing' I think dad would have liked them!

The funeral directors have been fabulous, without them my dad's last wish would not have been fulfilled and I am eternally grateful to them. Any suggestions as to what I could send them for a thankyou present? I already have a card to send them

YulePutTatOnMyChristmasTree Mon 03-Dec-12 19:55:20

this is my Christmas namechange BTW, I am trying to be a bit cheerful. I'm usually YouveCatToBeKittenMe

ssd Mon 03-Dec-12 22:16:27

beach, I'm feeling the same,exactly

if you met me you'd say I'm doing well, but I'm avoiding so many situations I'm feeling like a Jekyll and Hyde character now

glad you are getting help from the funeral directors kitten, I think a card with a hand written message would be enough as a thank you, unless you want to phone them up and speak to them direct

love to us all,was looking at some old photo's of mum and dad tonight, so much history gone, at least they are together again (I hope)

xx

ssd Mon 03-Dec-12 22:18:03

I wish I could have a dream with mum or dad in it, I dont think I'll ever see them in a dream, never have

Beachcombergirl Mon 03-Dec-12 22:53:51

Ssd that was the first time I've dreamt of my dad in the two years since he died. It's unsettled me all day

ssd Mon 03-Dec-12 23:00:25

but wasnt it nice to see him again? and did you hear his voice again? I'd give anything for a dream like that. My dad died 14 years ago and I've never had a dream where he comes to me in it, dont think I ever will.I'd love it though, have wished for it many times

sorry its unsettled you, I can see how that would happen x

t875 Mon 03-Dec-12 23:20:54

Yuleputtat - will be thinking of you tomorrow. It is a very hard day and we will be here for you after. Glad the funeral directors have helped you.

Mummylin. - you have been through so much lately. You not only have had the year round but everything else so it's bound to have rocked you. I would take some time to take a step back from everyone and concentrate on you time. Hope u feel better soon.

Beachcomber - I dreamt of my mum a few months back but that was after 4 months of her passing. I can imagine that must have unsettled u after all that time. I guess he come along to say hi to you and let u know he is around for you.

Ssd - just to say hi to you, and hope your days gone a touch better hun.

Watching r variety performance tonight was hard going. I can hear her laugh echo around the memories in my mind, she was only watching it last year!! It all some days blows me away with the shock still!!! :-((

t875 Mon 03-Dec-12 23:21:28

Big hug to us all xx

Hi all..

Thank god for this thread..and thank u all for sharing your feelings and emotions...I don't feel quite so alone now.
I had a dreadful Sunday..very very tearful and low. My sisters don't really understand how I'm feeling..they weren't anywhere near as involved with Mum as I was. I just feel so angry with everyone..including my family..so irrational. I guess because Xmas is looming, and I have spent 49 of my 51 years with her over this period. It will be very hard..

Nicolamilo06 Tue 04-Dec-12 01:47:12

Lost my mum 1 year and eight months ago , she had been sick for most of her life but she always complained about her illness which were numerous . She went to hospital on 6th of January 2011 and fell sicker she was away living with dad in London I'm based in Glasgow and I thought it was the usual "I'm sick come give me attention" so I stayed with my family up north I spoke to her often but she never asked me to visit or my sister which she would usually do she was released on 21 st of feb with the diagnosis of heart failure with transplant as only treatment but doctor assured us all that heart could last for 5 years at current state she still told us to stay up north as she wasnt fit to see anyone that when we got scared . On 24 th she spoke to me on webcam told me she felt better despite being 6 stones at that point I decided to head to London despite protests she was rushed to hosptial 25 th in morning we were called to say she only had a week left at most as she had a infection which couldn't be stopped we headed to londOn in the hope doctor and parents were being dramatic ! We were delayed landed around 6 at night we saw my father at the house who told us that my mum had passed at 3:30 pm that day whilst we were flying down . We are a family of eight in total included aunts and uncles so we are small close family and this news still hasn't hit home for anyone . I went for a walk that night and watched people walk by and I was amazed how the world hadnt stopped or caved in but for me it was just made you feel so I'm not sure how to describe it just underwhelmed by the fact life carries on no matter how much you wish it would just pause to let you deal with the grief ! Really lOng message but needed to vent still have mOments of terrified realisation I won't kiss or hug or tell her I love her just one more time don't know of anyone goes through this themselves I'm 24 now and expected her third grandbaby the first one she won't hold and sing to and breaks my heart everyday

t875 Tue 04-Dec-12 08:30:01

Hi nicolamilo. So very sorry for your loss, sending you massive hugs. It is really crap and we all know the times your going through in our own ways all I can think about when I get them thoughts is that my mums with me. I have had little signs and messages to reaffirm this, some maybe on coincidental and some in my face bloody strange and spooky!

Anger, bitterness, are all part of it, I've had anger recently and thinking it wasn't fair. And I think it's all double hard for us all with Christmas.
Take care and do what you want to help get you through.

Sending you love. Xx

Williever - thinking of you. I think it's bloody hard anyway but with Christmas is harder. My mum was Christmas. But I'm going to step into her shoes and do all them special little things she loved. We're even going to buy the cat a stocking for her smile
They up there still want us to have a good Christmas but I know it's going to be bloody hard!! (( hugs)) to you x

I have to tell you this.

My mum was a big James bond fan and mr and hubby went to see skyfall last night ( which wasn't great) but hey nice to get out! But I saud come on mum come with us and watch it- we'll didn't think anymore about it, but then as we were coming out of the cinema there was a small white fluffy feather on the floor by the door in the door way!?

That blew me away!!!! I like to believe its her saying I went with you!! :-) xx

mummylin Tue 04-Dec-12 12:59:27

Good morning everyone and helo to the newcomers.Well apt was fine and also doctook my bp again and he said its perfect !! he reckons its because he took it ! he is rather dishy.Anyway he has put me on amitriptyline pills ,just a very low dose to help me sleep and feel less stressed.I have to say in spite of only having a low dose,i feel half asleep today.I was a bit scared to take the first one to be honest.he says he wil increase them gradually ,but i know for certain i am not going to be taking a higher dose at anytime.
Has anyone noticed there is a common thing running through this thread,it seems to be there is just one sibling from each family who is suffering most badly? Is it because we wer the closest to our parent maybe ? But to be fair my younger brother is also suffering the ame as i am and he has a very stressful job and is going through a divorce after finding out 5 weeks after mum died that his wife has been having an affair with our first cousin !! It caused a huge rift throughout the family as you can imagine, but now its all affecting him terribly.He also was very very close to our mum,in fact we used to tease him and call him "mummy's baby boy "
I have had two dreams of mum,one of them she spoke to me and the other she didnt.I wish i could dream of her everynight.One thing i forgot to ask my doc was wether mum would of been in any pain and how long would she have died after the rupture in the heart sac.I will ask next time because it haunts me that she would of been in pain or scared.I need to find out.
yule thinking of you on this very sad day.

mummylin Tue 04-Dec-12 13:12:26

waitingforastartofall i have bought two lovely little baubles for the tree to send to my sister for her twin babies.They both have the names on and are in fact tiny money boxes.They are from "stewarts" garden center,i dont know if you have one near to you or wether its only down here,but im sure that if you have something similar around you will find them.They are really pretty little balls,very christmassy and ideal for what you are looking for.

t875 Tue 04-Dec-12 13:20:29

Thinking of you yule, we are here for you {{hugs}} xx

mummylin -glad your dr apt went ok! Your poor brother, to go through losing his mum and then his wife doing that, how horrible.

i have to say i froze when i read the sleeping tablets your on message that is the sleeping tablet my mum was on the week before she passed, i didnt even know she was on it, although i know it didnt contribute to her passing, i still froze when i read it.

Hope you can sleep better, as you know im around till 11-12 as im a night owl! smile

Hi all,

Havent got one of those garden centres near me but will keep looking have found some on ebay but dont really like them. I am recovering relatively well from surgery but still in a bit of pain and not feeling myself at all.

My lovely sister turned up this morning with a new christmas tree for me, she knows ours fell apart last year and we are beyond skint at the minute with dp having so much time off work with mum being in hospital/the funeral then my surgery. She is so lovely and made me cry a little with her kindness and refusing to accept any money.

I have not been to the doctors and am trying very hard to not need medication,its difficult because im so tired but cant sleep however i want to feel however i need to feel at the time. I miss her so very much, i spent every single day there usually unless her husband was off work and they were spendng time together i sort of feel like i have lost my purpose although i certainly havent as have got ds to look after and she would be cursing me from above if i didnt.

mummylin Tue 04-Dec-12 15:09:40

i will take a picture of the little baubles and put them on my profile ,maybe i could get one for you ?

YulePutTatOnMyChristmasTree Tue 04-Dec-12 16:10:32

Funeral is over
I have brought the flowers home, they are in the front garden, bit surreal! But I'm going to put them on mums grave tomorrow, where dad will be interred.

It went as well as a funeral could. The DC's were ok although they were all in tears!

I'm glad I organised a wake. I made a slide show and also took 2 boxes of photo's for people to identify for me! I thought people might find it inappropriate but they had them all out and were enthusiastically discussing them!
My Aunt (mums sister) who I haven't seen for years was very pleased as she found several that she thought were lost. She took a whole pile home with her.

I'm glad it's over. I feel I can try to start a new sort of normal.
However I have had the Estate agent and the auctioneer on the phone this afternoon, so now I have to really concentrate on sorting and selling the house.My parents bought the house when it was 2 bricks high, so it is full of memories. I hope it will be a huge weight off me to sell it, but I think it will be sad.

I hope everyone has had a better day today. Stickem I hope tomorrow isn't too hard for you.

They are very pretty have found one on the internet I quite like so will carry on lookin. Ds being so naughty tonight really silly and answering back. He's been passed pillar to post this last few weeks

ssd Tue 04-Dec-12 18:18:24

t875, wow, I'm so glad for you that you got a feather!!! I've only had one, maybe I'll get another one, I hope so

girls, I want to reply to you all separately, but I cant type very well and it would take ages, so please everyone know I'm reading each and every post and thinking of you all, really appreciate all messages and agree with so many posters, WillIEverBeASizeTen I could have written your post word for word, am so angry with my family esp sister who was totally and utterly hopeless, no empathy at all

hugs to us all xx

ssd Tue 04-Dec-12 18:38:07

just realized its 14 years today that my dad died, wow that's a lifetime away

at least he's got mum back again, I used to talk to him when I was looking after mum, saying "I'm doing my best dad, but its not easy sometimes", ds was a baby when dad died and for the last 14 years its just been me helping mum and organizing her life, making sure she was ok and cared for, siblings left it all to me and visited about twice a year for 2-3 days, I had to juggle young kids with helping mum and seeing her every week for all this time, but I'm so glad I did, we were so close and she was good to me too

your right mummylin, so many of us seem to have been the closest to our mums or dads that we're missing, I sometimes envy my sister her total detachment as she hasn't hurt at all, but then I realize I'm hurting only because we we're so close and that's a blessing I'm grateful for.

ssd Tue 04-Dec-12 18:43:45

one good thing that came out of all the time I was sandwiched between my old mum and young kids was on here, I got the elderly parents section started, I was really struggling so much with managing to help mum and sort out a multitude of things for her, I found some like minded posters here and asked MNHQ to start a section for those of us struggling alone with this, and they started that section, which I've looked at now and then and its got posters getting help from each other and not feeling so alone with it all

so thats one good thing I guess

did the first school run today since the funeral and being in hospital, wish id stayed at home. Too many questions and people saying oh arent you doing well, how are you feeling ect. Even oh im suprised to see you out. Like im not allowed to carry on and should feel guilty for it. Its hard to drag myself out in the morning but i bloody do for the kids and because thats what mum would want. People are generally nice but they say such stupid things.family friend decided to say infront of 5yo ds that we wouldnt really be doing christmas this year would we as it would be awful, ds was upset and i just thought,why say it?! yes ill be sad but christmas will still be christmas for my kids and ill keep it in my heart forever the way my mum would have wanted.

Am so angry tonight,feel like noone understands how hard it is and they are all judging me on how im dealing with it

ssd Tue 04-Dec-12 20:42:13

waiting, they're probably desperately thinking of something nice to say but not finding anything so just saying first thing that comes into their heads, inappropriate as it is....your family friend hopefully is kicking herself for being so indiscreet...what does she think, you'll cancel Xmas and hide all day? evern if we want to, we cant as the kids come first and its their day isnt it

the school run is hellish at the best of times, you're doing well to face it all, although I guess you haven't much choice

we understand how you feel, I know you feel alone and hurt, trust me we get it and send you virtual hugs xx

Thanks, I like the idea of a hug, I know people mean well they just font express it well. The kids are so excited for Christmas I'm trying desperate to get into the spirit but its hard. Feel guilty for smiling

madmomma Tue 04-Dec-12 21:54:18

Lots & lots of love to everyone on this thread and thanks for starting it mummylin I'm missing my Dad terribly and it's nice to have a place to go where people understand that pain and yearning. God I wish I could talk to him so much. First xmas without him this year and it'll also be my daughter's 1st xmas. I hope and pray that somehow he can feel us missing him & loving him.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Wed 05-Dec-12 15:29:29

Hi Everyone, sorry I've not been around, just been trying to feel normal again really.

The funeral was today, I did go and I did sit at the front. Ds was fed a steady stream of quavers, smarties and random sweets from a friend of my mum, to keep him quiet throughout the service (then we took him to the Zoo so he could come down from his sugar high in a large open space!). I couldn't have done it without ds there to keep me distracted though. Glad it's over.

ssd Wed 05-Dec-12 20:00:55

hi stickem, glad its over for you too, its a surreal day altogether, isnt it sad

bet your dh enjoyed the zoo and hopefully it gave you a bit of headspace when you were wandering about

you'll look back and be glad you went

hugs to you and your wee ds xx

maybeyoushouldrivesantassleigh Thu 06-Dec-12 10:55:13

I'll go back and read through what I've missed, but just wanted to say hello. Hope you're all coping as well as you can. Christmas preparations are hard without joy in my heart sad

mummylin Thu 06-Dec-12 15:52:08

stickemglad that yesterday went as well as it could.

Today i actually managed to go to the shops,still without any enthusiasm but did get two presents ,then i got fed up and came back home again ! My next post is going to be my message to my mum.x

mummylin Thu 06-Dec-12 16:02:01

I am finding it hard to write a long post so i will have to wait until we start another new thread.I start to write then it all goes from the page.I have tried 3 times.My comp dosent like threads that are too long.[ hopes for new one for xmas ! ]

Hello everyone...

I'm having a fairly good week but I do think like everybody else here, that this time of year is very hard when coping with our loss. My Mum was Christmas for me, just like yours t875 I want this one to come and go very quickly, I see little joy...

Thank you all once again for sharing your stories, they are a great source of comfort for me x

Just put my tree up with my robin decoration from childhood on the tip branches. Feel like my heart is breaking tonight knowing she won't be with us

Have followed this thread but not posted, dont know why but sometimes feel like I`m so much further down the road I should have `moved on` by now, but sometimes it just bites you iykwim.

My parents died in 1997, I was 24 with a young DD on my own and my world just fell apart. I think I only carried on (abliet badly) because of dd, I had to smile, I had to carry on for her but it took years to just function on a proper normal level, so I`m rambling.

Anyway, one thing I kept was the christmas fairy, it was quite beaten up but I know it sounds silly it meant so much to me, my parents bought it for their first christmas together in 1964.

We moved about 18 months ago and DH (I just would never of) accidentaly threw away the box of Christmas decorations. I was totally heartbroken last year (I actually thought I might leave him, as I didnt think I would be able to forgive him) but I tried to say its ok, it was just a thing etc etc.

Its completely silly but I just have no desire whatsoever to put the decorations up this year at all, as I know I`m still angry and upset over this blinking scabby old fairy.

Completely stupid and a total overreaction, but feels good to write it down.

ssd Thu 06-Dec-12 23:02:35

hi dreams, no I can understand your reaction, that christmas fairy was your link to the past when you were a little girl and your mum and dad were there to take care of you. Anything that holds a link to our parents when we lose them becomes precious to us. There is decorations my siblings must have thrown out when mum moved to her flat, that I'd love now, in fact I'd love anything that ties me to my parents, I cant face the fact they've both gone now, it blows me away.

anyway just wanted to post I understand your reaction xx

hi and hugs to everyone else xx

Thanks ssd, I have very little possessions that tie to my parents, I have my mums wedding ring and a few photos and thats about it, my brother cleared the house of everything when they died, I think he got rid of it all thinking that the rest of us wouldnt want it. I think it was his way of dealing with what happened and he had descended into a very deep depression over their deaths (which still lingers as far as I`m aware) so although I feel anger towards him I have no wish to make things worse for him, if that makes sense. Hence why the fairy was so important.

Oh, I bloody hate this, I`ve always felt that I can never be 100% happy since they died. I`m over it as much as you can be, but its never far away hiding under the surface.

You say `your mum and dad were there to take care of you` that sums it up, would do anything to have them `take care of me` just for a little bit, stupid at my age but wouldnt it just be lovely.

They died on the 21st December 1997, 15 years.

t875 Fri 07-Dec-12 11:13:48

Dreams - The one thing I have noticed is I can have loads of my mums stuff which i have, but just to have one special thing is lovely and i think the fairy for Christmas is such a special thing you could even light a candle for them, my thoughts are with you.

willieverbe - It is very hard mum not being around all i can really do is do them special things she would have done if she had been here and i then can imagine her smiling watching what we are doing. Were also going to have a special little area when we can put Christmas bits and memories to her. Thinking of you, its a very tough time.

Stickem - Thinking of you, them days were very tough times and we are here for you if you need a chat. {{hugs}}

ssd - Thanks about the feather, yeah they do feel very special at this time of year as there is hardly any birds around. Hope your doing ok and has an ok day.

I haven't had a too bad week this week after my bad 3 days last week.
granted i have to go up the shops this afternoon and not sure how that's going to go but we shall see. I am missing her like flipping crazy!!! How the hell can she not be here it makes no sense!! My dad has had a bad few days..saying he has nothing to look forward too etc sad its been very hard to hear, yesterday he seems better.

hi to everyone else, thinking of you all and sending hugs if needed, were all in this together xx

t875 Fri 07-Dec-12 11:15:19

To add, with my dad i tell him he has us and i try and bring up his hobbies etc, but its so hard as he misses my mum so much, then i feel guilty for saying to him this stuff, just trying to help him but its soo hard. sad

Having a wobble today, put tree up and trying to inject some christmas cheer for the kids but i so cant be bothered. I haventbeen up to the grave since the funeral due to the being in hospital and recovering. Im a little better now but im so scared to go back there sad I miss her so much and im going to pieces over stupid things i dont know if i can handle seeing it with her name on a stone. feel so sad

t875 Fri 07-Dec-12 13:57:17

{{{waiting}}} really feel for you Ive got to do the tree and decs tomorrow and im the same i soo cant be bothered. I know my mum would be giving me such a kick up the arse to get on with it so i have that too and for the kids and i guess me a little as before this i loved christmas

Go back to the headstone when you feel you are ready waiting your mum will understand and they know we have to protect ourselves too, its very hard as we like to do these things for our passed on loved ones but its very hard for us to do sometimes with how we feel. Thinking of you x

the tree looks lovely, to be honest it has helped me to realise christmas is coming and to keep it together for the kids as ds has been quite upset at the amount of people saying how awful christmas is going to be. at 5 he is sad and misses his nan but isnt of an age where he needs to hear that the best time of the year is going to be awful!.I am hoping to go on sunday, long enough to try and keep it together but to at least be there. hope you are doing ok and your dad too. it must be very hard to hear him so dejected x

Almost 7 months since my dad died, and it's really beginning to sink in that he's died. I can't find him; I don't know where he's gone; I want him back. I miss him.
We bought a tree in his memory this morning, and decorated it with mum watching on skype. She arrives in 10 days, and seems quite jolly at the monet, but it can turn on its head from minute to minute, can't it!?

it may do truly but you can only do what you can do, its lovely she is coming to you. And even though there will be times you all sit and cry as im sure we will too there will also be happy memories made and the fact that you are together. thats what i hope for this christmas, to get through. Raise a smile at the kids opening presents and create some memories. am fully expecting it to be sad. I like you just feel like shes gone away at the minute, its not really sunk in that this is it.

t875 Fri 07-Dec-12 14:33:10

Yeah it is hard to hear my dad like that..all i can do is be there and just spend a lot more time with him and phone him. Thankfully that wave has passed, he is generally doing ok killls me when he gets into that stage though.

Yeah i think it will be the same here when the tree gets put up. I have a lit up decoration a ceramic house with lights small one already out to break me in, the kids said to me so are we celebrating this year i said of course we are we have too, nanny would want it and we need to for all of us, but my god its very hard to think she wont be around. some days are tougher than others. I don't think easter will ever be the same though as that's when we lost her, luckily easter date moves around.

You sound lovely, I think each date seems so hard because there is a run up. I have been so busy lately that I'm dreadin the aftermath of Christmas when I have no distractions

ssd Fri 07-Dec-12 18:01:01

yes, its when that time comes that everything sinks in and everythings done and we have no distractions to occupy us...yet all I can do is think about what I'm missing, whilst no one ever mentions mum at all now

mums death has brought right back dads death, feel I've lost so so much, am totally yearning for them both and their love and care for me, I feel their loss so deeply it hurts

hi dreams, sympathy to you too, I dont want to ask too much but I think you lost your mum and dad together, thats so awful and impossible to take, I'm so sorry xx

crazykat Fri 07-Dec-12 20:50:55

I've just found this thread, and you all have my deepest sympathy.

I haven't lost a parent yet but my mum has just been told she only has two months to live. In some ways it feels like I've already lost her and I can't stop crying. I'm dreading christmas but have four young kids so have to make it special for them.

What makes it worse is that I lost my BIL two days before my son was born in october which was also four days before the frist anniversary of my nan's death. I grew up with my nan living with us and she was like a second mum to me.

I don't know how I'm going to go on without my mum. If it weren't for my dad, DH and kids I don't think I could. It feels like I'm losing everyone and I can't help wondering when it will stop and who I'm going to lose next.

This time of year should be filled with joy not sadness, even more so for us as my, DH, our oldest three DC's, SIL, FIL and two nieces have our birthday's between next week and the middle of february. All I can think about is whether or not my mum will still be with us then.

Well they died within a few hours of each other, my Mother had terminal cancer and was very ill after a bad dose of chemotherapy and my Father had a fatal heart attack, Mum died a couple of hours later, I truly believe they were both heartbroken, I love

Sorry, everyone said it was really sweet at the time to try and comfort us I suppose, but it wasn't. I still feel so angry that we weren't enough to keep on of them alive. We were such good friends, and I really was a parent person, hope some people here understand what I mean, many of my friends had only parents but mine were my friends, I relied on them so much.

Reading through for so many of you, I wish I could say something to take away the pain for each of you. The one thing I remember so much from that time was that my very young daughter kept me going, having to wake up and smile, keep some normality, even carrying on with some sort of Christmas for that year and the next.

I think the physical pain I felt was one of the worse things, waking in the morning and for a couple of seconds it's ok. But, it does lessen and eventually you find yourself smiling and really meaning it.

I could right an essay of things from that time, insensitive people at work, insensitive friends (still get that one, one v good friend telling me she wouldnt no how to cope without her mother, thanks) crap counsellors, I so wish I had a mumsnet then, think it would have made so much difference.

Sorry, also wanted to say they were 59, not sure why I always feel its important to state their ages, but it is for some strange reason. My daughter is 18, and it really hits as my sister was 17 when they died, I was so tied up with my own feelings I let her down somewhat, look at my daughter today and feel so heartbroken for my sister. She claims its fine as it was easier for her as she was still a teenager and hadn't become 'friends' with mum and dad at that stage, so she reckons she grieved and moved on, I'm not so sure and thinks she says that's as self preservation.

Oh dear, sorry once started I'm now rambling, have learnt not to say to much to people as I always feel that they don't really want to hear.

Crazy cat, many hugs and much love. You will carry on darling for your children, you will plant a smile on your face for them and somehow you will amaze even yourself with your own strength. But, it is important that you also have some time just for you over the next few weeks.

Is you mum at home or hospital, are you able to be with her as much as you need to be? Xx

ssd Fri 07-Dec-12 23:17:04

oh dreams thats such a sad story, how heartbreaking for you. But honestly you can say whatever you like on this thread, people do want to hear. I find it comforting I dont need to explain myself here, I know you all just get what I mean, without a big explanation needed. I feel I really need to talk about my parents and I just dont get the chance in real life as no one asks....and I feel uncomfortable, almost desperate bringing it up...guess thats what you mean too. I was friends with my parents too, I know what you mean, losing them both is like something I cant explain, the yearning for them is indescribable.

hi crazycat, I'm sorry about your mum, its an awful thing to face sad

again, hugs to us all xx

seenbetterdays Sat 08-Dec-12 00:13:47

Hi, just wanted to say that I have a phone message from my mum left just a few moments before she collapsed with a brain hemorrhage. I was out when she phoned. Busy as usual. She never regained conciousness and died 3 days later. It was 3 years ago. I still listen to the message just to hear her say "hello it's mum". You never really get used to it. We were so close. Her voice still comforts me, she sounded happy and obviously had no premonition of what was about to happen.

maybeyoushouldrivesantassleigh Sat 08-Dec-12 00:17:22

Hello everyone, such sad sad stories. Testament to how precious parents are - even when they drive us mad!

crazycat that news must have been such a shock for you. Are you close dsitance wise to your parents - will you be able to spend as much time as you want with your Mum? I'm so sorry you have to go through this. If we can do anything to help?

Thinking of all of you - am having a tough time illness wise so can't type much just now but just wanted to say hello. xx

ssd Sat 08-Dec-12 11:23:52

hi maybeyoushouldrivesantassleigh, sorry you are having a bad time with illness, I hope you start to feel better soon

I'm getting a bit worried about the posts from people who lost their mums years ago who say it doesn't really get better. The one thing I'm focusing on is "time is a great healer", I know this was true when my dad died, gradually over time I was able to say the word "dad" without bursting into tears.BUT the difference then was I still had mum and still could visit her in the house and place I grew up in......now they are both gone I've got an emptiness inside me I can't shake and I feel so down and depressed, like there's nothing to look forward to and the future is just bleak. All around me I see happy extended families everywhere and now we'll never have that again, its just the 4 of us from now on, Xmas day, New Years Eve, birthdays, its just us 4 rattling around the house. This Xmas I'm going to put some money mum still has in her account in an envelope from her to my boys, but I'm worried the money is running out too, then there's nothing at all. Me and dh's parents lived in council houses and there was no money from anything when they died. I know that sounds mercenary here and anyone receiving any money from their deceased parents would give it all back for 5 minutes more with their mums or dads, I know that too well, but mum was the only person I could borrow money from or she used to treat the boys now and then and now she's gone the financial future is bleak too, no wee treats or nice dinners out from her anymore. I don't want to sound like I'm money grabbing, but my mum was the only person in our families who ever treated my boys , or who treated us to a meal out on our birthdays etc. and now she has gone that's another thing I;m missing, there's no one to borrow any money off and no house left to sell , just 4 weeks to clear it from the council. I know this sounds money grabbing but I can imagine this sad time is made a tiny bit easier without money worries on top. I know nothing makes up for losing our mums and dads, but I'm just being honest. Dh has been told he might lose his job come April and I earn NMW and everything has been a struggle for so long, without my mum being kind to us at Xmas its going to be hard this year, as well as her not being here.

god I know its awful to talk about money at a time like this, but with 2 teenagers and xmas its very relevant to me just now

anyway what I was saying earlier about it not getting better is worrying me, this empty, lost feeling cant stay with me the rest of my life, I don't think I could take it, I'm hoping it fades into simply missing my mum instead of aching for her all the time

I hope I haven't offended anyone talking about money, I'd give everything I had for the chance of a minute on the phone with my mum again, I know you all would too....the reality of her passing is sinking in now and the future is bleak, in all ways

ssd Sat 08-Dec-12 11:39:45

seenbetterdays, that's so nice you still have a message on your phone from your mum,something to treasure... something really strange happened on my phone a few days after mum died, I got up one morning to discover about half of the numbers had been wiped from my phone, literally, mums phone number, her doctors, her chemist, her warden, all wiped away, but random numbers like the kids pals or friends I hadn't spoke to for ages had been left, it was really weird, it was almost like mum had deleted those numbers as she knew I'd have spent forever looking at them and crying and she didn't want that for me.........also another strange thing, when I was clearing out her flat with a pal, I knew the only thing of her clothing I wanted to keep was her fleece she always wore, when she died I knew straight away I had to keep her fleece, we bought it together too, anyway once I had cleared her clothes I left the fleece to one side and when I went back for it it literally disappeared..........I left all her clothes in bags to go to charity and left out the fleece, but when I went to give the clothes away the fleece was gone, I emptied out the clothes bags and went through every last one but the fleece wasn't there..........I cant see how it would have been thrown out, I told my friend that was the only thing I was keeping and we put it to one side, but it disappeared....my friend said do you think she took it with her as she knew you'd just smell it all the time and I get upset, but I don't know, its still a mystery to me

you'll all need to excuse my ramblings today. my heart is so heavy and I need to start Xmas shopping, but see no joy in it, am in a hellish low mood

ssd, it does get better believe me, you smile and its natural, you laugh and feel happy, I think the loss doesn't leave and there are times I still ache so badly for them, but, I can laugh about them now, the stories of their lives are being passed down to their grandchildren. I have genuinely happy times, but of course it jumps up and bites me sometimes but I've/I am learning how to deal with that. I want to pass on happy funny memories of hem to my husband and my children. My brothers and sisters feel the same.

My daughter, as I said, is now 18, I found a photo of her and my god she looks identical to my mum, that gives me so much pleasure! But then I feel sad that she can't remember them or that my husband and young son never knew them, but I try to bring them alive with stories of them.

It does get better, hold on in there, much love to you and others going through this xxx

mummylin Sat 08-Dec-12 12:48:57

dreams what a terrible time you and your family must of gone through to lose both parents at the same time.I think that would of sent me over the brink.
crazycat Sorry about what you are having to cope with at the moment.Do come here if we can help you through it.
ssd I did have an inheritance from my mum but it is not a happy feeling ,i would give it all away if i could have just 5 more minutes with my mum.It does not help at all.The only thing is i have been able to help out my adult children a bit,which i know my mum would be happy about.You sound really down,but you have to believe that one day the pain wont be so raw or you will go mad with grief. It will get better for all of us at some point but its obvious from the sad tales on this thread that not many have reached that point yet.I myself cannot stop talking about her,i bring her into every conversation.She is constantly on my mind and in my heart,i also cannot bear the thought that i will always feel like this.But i do know from my sisters death that in time the awful sick feeling of our grief will subside.You will move on eventually ,we all have to for ourselves and for our families. xx

mummylin Sat 08-Dec-12 13:11:17

To my Mum Mum i am now facing the second Xmas without you.You are constantly in my thoughts.Who knew that when i said to you " bye mum i will see you tomorrow" that tomorrow would never come for you.My life was shattered and i feel it will never be the same.You were such an important person to me and i miss our daily chat and cuppa so much.I miss your cakes you used to make us, and as yet i cannot find the recipe you used.But knowing how you kept everything ,i know it will be somewhere amongst your things { of which i have a lot of } Mum i hope you didnt suffer at all ,this is what haunts me, even now.I know it was quick and unexpected,but this made it worse for us all. I have tried to be strong and have failed miserably at times,even though you left us a letter which you hoped would comfort us all.Thankyou Mum for being so loving and for making me the person i am today.I will love and miss you always.We will meet again,from your loving daughter xxxxx R.I.P xx

maybeyoushouldrivesantassleigh Sat 08-Dec-12 14:42:50

mummylin that's beautiful. You said you are struggling to get the long threads to load - would you like to start a new thread and transfer your letter to your Mum so you know where to look?

ssd sorry you are struggling. Not offended about your talking about money - it's a very real and tangible gift from a parent that you feel you are missing. I don't know what to say that can help but all you are feeling is allowed and I'm glad you feel you can tell us, better out than in as they say! I hope 3013 is a better year financially for you and your dhs job is more secure...

mummylin Sat 08-Dec-12 19:33:21

Thanks maybe ,have started a new thread here

crazykat Sat 08-Dec-12 21:37:42

dreams i know what you mean about being friends with your parents, my mum is my best friend, i can talk to her about anything and we speak on the phone every day and i know it will take me a long time to get used to not being ablt to do, i'm still getting used to not being able to call in to see my nan on the way back from school and it's over a year since i lost her.

maybe my parents street and mine form a t-junction and they live opposite the end of my street if that makes sense, we walk past on the way to DCs school and they love waving to her as we pass. it's nice that i'm able to call in every day to see her, even if it's only for a quick chat but it's bittersweet as it will be so hard to walk past several times a day knowing she's not there anymore. my nan lived with us from when i was very young and i still find myself thinking i'll call in to see her.

mummylin that's beautiful and so moving.

i worry for my dad, he is very much the steriotypical ex-soldier and keeps his feelings to himself but from the little he's said i get the impression he thinks the doctors were wrong and my mum will have a lot longer. while i obviously hope this is true i have to face facts and i can see how much weaker my mum is compared to just six months ago. he's never really lived alone, he left home at 15 and joined the army, then married my mum, he'll never admit it but he'll be devestated and i hope he'll let me help him.

ssd Sat 08-Dec-12 23:38:44

I'm glad I didnt offend anyone talking about money. Of course the money was the least of my troubles losing mum, but now its Xmas I'm just very aware my kids have no gifts now from any grandparents and I feel so bad for them, we cant make up for this, financially or emotionally. I know a few friends who lost their parents and sold the family home and the money gave them a bit of breathing space, I'm just aware we'll never have that, at least my kids'll have it some day.

mummylin, thats a lovely message to your mum, I'd like to post one but I dont know where to start

xx

ssd Sun 09-Dec-12 10:19:21

everywhere I turn there is girls my age with families like mine , with their mums...its just everywhere.......last night the 4 of us went for something to eat, at the next table a couple with kids our age came in , followed by what looked like her mum and dad, god I just stared at them, must have looked rude.........then my ds's pals mum came to the door looking for her son, said we're going to celebrate his birthday today at my mums tonight.....then seen another pal at the local shop, with her mother, she said mums here to take care of me I have a cold..........then spoke to relative, her mum is going to see her in a play this week..........all these girls are my age, why do they still have their mums (and some their dads too) and I've got no one....its so bloody unfair.....I know there are worse things in life, I know that and I should be grateful for what I do have..........but a secret part of me is wishing the world would catch up with mine and some of my friends would know what its like having no parents instead of having their mums fit and healthy at their beck and call,my mum was frail and elderly and needed me to be her mum for the last 8-9 years, I feel I haven't had a mum for that long, instead of me always being the odd one out having no mum or dad any more whilst my friends still have the company/support etc having your fit and able parents gives you

don't think bad of me for saying that, it sounds like I mean bad, I don't, I just wish it just wasn't in my face continuously , I look at girls my age and older and all I think is why do you still have your mum and I don't, and it kills me

god I'm a moan these days, I need to pour it out hear as dh doesnt talk about it now

t875 Sun 09-Dec-12 13:49:15

I do know what you mean and it is very unfair it is very hard to think like it and like you i tell myself off but you just cant help how you feel ssd, it makes us bitter and angry and these are all very normal feelings.
((big hugs))

Mummylin - what you wrote to your mum was lovely, im sure she saw it and thought the same. I will do the same.

I am very behind on this thread so i apologise if i havent been able to be here as much as i would like have been. Sending love and support to all those that are going through hard times, my thoughts are with you all.

It was hard here for me, we got the tree out and the decs, cried when i saw all the special bits that reminded me of her but got through it, couldnt put the christmas music on but the tree looks nice and the girls helped! We done special things in relation to the christmas tree and decorations. I want to get a special tree decoration for our tree and for my dads..yes he is putting up the tree we are helping him, it wont be easy but he wants to do it for her.
im sure she was around us watching and smiling. Gotta trudge on eh xx

t875 Sun 09-Dec-12 14:15:19

cruse mentioned to me to about doing a page of all my mums favorite things, so i went on google and i have done a page. I have cupcakes, cats, {she loved them} kleeneze believe of not, loved a bargain, hehe essentials and prima we loved our magazines, i used to pass them onto her smile and when i read it now I read off whats inside and say "what do you think of that mum" I have a robin on there as i have seen a robin a lot in the garden over the time of her passing and on and off through the summer. Roast dinner she loved it oh and fish and chips! Theres perfume as she always smelt lovely, and there is pictures of accessories as she loved bangles, necklaces etc. crafts, knitting, Its nice to see it all on a piece of paper, im going to laminate it and again im sure she loved me doing it. and i had written on it said Mum always and forever with me xxx

ssd Sun 09-Dec-12 15:33:04

hi t875, doing a page is a good idea, I like that

I know it sounds daft, but this weekend I was out with my cousin (who is 72) and her daughter who is my age, who I get on well with.....we went to something that my cousin bought her daughter tickets to and when I offered her money for mine she accepted it and I could have cried.....now not for a second do I expect her to pay for me but it just brought it home there's no mum to treat me now, my cousin often treats her daughter, that's normal, but it just reminded me mum will never treat me anymore, I'm on my own now...and in my family there was never anyone else who'd treat you apart from mum............sad

mummylin Mon 10-Dec-12 10:28:09

Sorry to be a nuisance everyone but i am having trouble loading this page so there is a new thread here

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