'What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.' Our journey after Beatrice

(801 Posts)

Beatrice died on 24th October aged 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day. She was buried on 2nd November. As she starts her new life as a butterfly, we are left on the ground feeling bewildered and bereft. I read a short piece at her funeral, and I stand by it:

'I often felt that being Beatrice's mum was much like holding a butterfly. I was in awe of her beauty and felt so privileged that she had chosen to come to me. But, much like a butterfly, I knew that one day she would spread her wings and fly away.

When Beatrice was one day old, a kind stranger shared this poem with me, and it sums up how I feel about Beatrice:

"A butterfly lights besides us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belongs to the world.
But then it flies once again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it."

I feel so lucky to have been chosen as Beatrice's mum and I truly believe that the immense grief we must now suffer is still a small price to play for the love she brought into our lives.

Goodnight Beatrice'

I still feel her love in my heart, but I am struggling without her in my arms. I miss caring for her and kissing her. Looking at her and stroking her hair. Singing to her, always singing so many songs. I haven't sung a song since she died, but I don't want the music to leave my life as it means I have let the grief win.

Fly high little butterfly, but please don't forget all of us left behind who hold you, still so fragile, in our hearts and memories. Please don't forget me, Beatrice x

captainmummy Tue 06-Nov-12 21:07:34

Beautiful sentiments, cup.

Don't know what to say, but I really feel for you and your family.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Tue 06-Nov-12 21:09:25

Beatrice will never forget you. You played as an important role in her life as she played in yours. She will love you eternally.

PseudoBadger Tue 06-Nov-12 21:10:09

A truly brave and inspiring opening post. Thinking of you as always.

Everlong Tue 06-Nov-12 21:12:06

Ah sweet little Beatrice. A beautiful post cup you are so dignified.

She won't forget you. Your love is everlasting.

IwishIwasmoreorganised Tue 06-Nov-12 21:12:22

Cup, your love shines through in your writing, so honest and eloquent.

I hope that the emptiness eases in time, and that song returns to your life.

TCOB Tue 06-Nov-12 21:13:12

We're here with you for this next part of the journey, Cup.

'Every noble life leaves the fibre of it interwoven for ever in the work of the world.'

Nobility doesn't come from how many years we spend on earth. Beatrice's small and mighty spirit is here forever x

Chubfuddler Tue 06-Nov-12 21:13:14

You are so brave cup. So very brave.

There's an inscription on a memorial stone in a church near us, the church where we got married. It's a memorial to the son of a local landowner who died in his teens some 200 years ago, and whenever I used to go to church there I couldn't look at it because I would start to cry. It's a long passage but I remember it ends "God saw his fitness for glory, and called him quickly home". I'm sure that must be true of Beatrice.

onedev Tue 06-Nov-12 21:16:29

Fly high indeed beautiful girl - so sorry for your loss.

Chubfuddler I'd love to know the rest of that passage, it sounds very apt. smile

McPhee Tue 06-Nov-12 21:18:56

Beautiful x

Chubfuddler Tue 06-Nov-12 21:20:16

I will try and go to the church soon and I will write it down for you.

KnottyLocks Tue 06-Nov-12 21:23:01

Thinking of you so much x

Thank you x

sassythebloodFIRSTy Tue 06-Nov-12 21:24:14

Lovely sentiments, cup, as always eloquently and poignantly expressed. It must be dreadfully hard for you xxx

SoldierKatnissEverdeen Tue 06-Nov-12 21:24:40

Beautiful post cup of tea.
What a positive way of thinking.
You come across as so strong in your grieving, wishing you lots more strength.

How lucky beautiful Beatrice was to have you as her mum.

DutchOma Tue 06-Nov-12 21:29:54

Love, like starlight, never dies

bishboschone Tue 06-Nov-12 21:35:26

Beautiful words cup.. As always x

GRW Tue 06-Nov-12 22:13:23

The name Beatrice means "Bringer of Joy" which seems very appropriate for your beautiful daughter. Thinking of you x

MNP Tue 06-Nov-12 22:22:04

Lovely Cup, a sparkling beautiful Butterfly.

You grieve, yet you still have the strength of heart and mind to be grateful for her life and love. You are truly inspiring - what a beautiful post; sad and happy.
Be kind to yourself, too, and look after yourself. Or let others look after you at times x.

FourArms Tue 06-Nov-12 22:38:00

I'm so sorry to see this news, and your words about your beautiful butterfly were so touching that I am sat with tears pouring down my face.

I can't believe that it is really 13 months since you introduced us all to Beatrice and let us share a little of your life with her.

Best wishes to you all for these sad days xxx

Somersaults Tue 06-Nov-12 23:13:05

As always Cup, your love for your family shines through in your eloquent and touching writing.

Thinking of you and remembering you all in our prayers.

ExitPursuedByABrrrrrrr Tue 06-Nov-12 23:33:52

I never sang until I had my DD, and then I found my voice.

Still sing to her, she will be listening.

fraktion Wed 07-Nov-12 01:20:54

Thinking of you, sending love and light through the night.

You are so brave and Beatrice is so loved. That will never change.

KateUnrulyBush Wed 07-Nov-12 03:14:11

Still struggling to find the right words for you, Cup, but thinking of you and Bea here in the night and sending love to you x

Cynner Wed 07-Nov-12 03:45:21

Cups, I promise Beatrice will never forget you. You will be her mummy forever and ever. Your heart must be so bruised. I am sending the brightest blessings for you, and all of those who knew and loved your baby. Xx

trumpton Wed 07-Nov-12 05:52:35

Nighttime thoughts of you . I went to a small concert last night and a friend sang about his baby daughter and the joy she bought into his life " You took my blues and put them in the sky " Fly free Beatrice in the sunny blue sky . My heart aches for you all.

ripsishere Wed 07-Nov-12 06:08:57

What dignity and grace you have.

MABS Wed 07-Nov-12 06:31:10

my love and prayers to you all x

eastendfareast Wed 07-Nov-12 06:37:03

Such beautiful thoughts cup. I've never posted on your threads before, but your love for Beatrice and your other children inspires me and shines through your words. My thoughts are with you and your family x

AuldAlliance Wed 07-Nov-12 09:24:25

Your words are beautiful, cup.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 07-Nov-12 09:27:30

Thinking of you cup xx

I never dare post on threads such as these as i'm never sure of the right words. But i read this at 4am this morning and cried.

I've had to come back to say what beautiful words and sentiment. I've followed beatrice's journey and I am in awe of your strength, grace and eloquence at what must be the worst time of your life Cupoftea.

I'm so so sorry is all that feels right to say. Xx

Thumbwitch Wed 07-Nov-12 10:39:01

As always, Cup, your posts move me to tears, what beautiful and touching words. Fly little Beatrice - but your family will always feel the touch of your butterfly wings in their hearts. xxx

StrawberriesTasteLikeLipsDo Wed 07-Nov-12 10:42:09

Cup your words fill me with such sadness but the love you clearly feel for beatrice fill me with hope. I hope her love stays with you always x

converseconvert Wed 07-Nov-12 10:47:28

Just so beautiful. Your in my thoughts x

Jux Wed 07-Nov-12 13:51:21

Beauty is transient. We cannot hold it long; only love it while it is there and remember its glory once it's gone. Our life is enriched by its fleeting presence.

I can't remember who said that, but they must have had a Beatrice too. sad

we are thinking of you, Cupoftea. Sing loud and long.

JustFabulous Wed 07-Nov-12 14:43:19

Cup, I am always so moved by your posts about Beatrice but feel daft posting as I am sure I always post stupid things. I am in awe of you all. Your photos are beautiful and show such a strong family. I have asked my Nana to look out for a beautiful butterfly and to give her a cuddle.

youarewinning Wed 07-Nov-12 17:39:05

Beautiful post cup. I am sure Beatrice is pleased and proud she chose you as her mum and her dad and sisters as much as you are proud she chose you. x

youarewinning Wed 07-Nov-12 17:57:40

cup I have just watched the you tube memories muvee of Beatrice. It is beautiful and a perfect tribute to your beautiful daughter. It really did capture her journey and the changes in her as she grew older.
I just adored the picture of her in her leggings and ugg boot things.

ithastobeNAICEham Wed 07-Nov-12 18:11:26

Cup, I've only partially followed your journey with the beautiful Beatrice, all I can say is I am so sorry for your loss.

You always write with such poise and I am in awe of your strength.

Beatrice was lucky to have such an amazing mummy and you will always be her mummy. I know that you will be by her side again.

Much love to you all x

So today wasn't so successful...

I decided this morning to go and meet my mum for a cup of tea, and driving out of the village I drove over a big pot hole and burst my two offside tyres. So that was the morning scuppered.

In the afternoon, Bea's CCN came over to visit and we had a lovely chat, but we also went through Beatrice's demise, and I just felt guilty. I must have known she was working too hard during her last month. Her o2 requirements kept creeping up, her blood pressure was twice as high as a normal child's. The problem with her ventricles thickening and the wall between them thickening probably pointed to the fact her heart was in trouble. I should've known she was working so hard to stay with us. Perhaps I should have encouraged, demanded, that family came to see her in hospital and say goodbye. Perhaps I should've told Beatrice it was ok to go sooner than I did. What if she was waiting for my blessing and I kept her struggling on?

After school I went to dd2's parents evening which was fine, except at the end of the meeting her teacher said she was sorry to hear about Beatrice, with all the gusto of someone saying they were sorry to hear I'd broken a fingernail...

This evening I went to do the weekly shop and had a panic attack in the middle of the supermarket. I nearly abandoned the shopping and ran for the hills. I just kept looking at all these strangers and thinking, 'You don't know my baby has died.'

Tomorrow is my first day back at work. I'm only doing half a day, and praying I don't let the children down. Wish me luck...

fraktion Wed 07-Nov-12 19:25:14

<holds cup tight>

sad Don't feel guilty. She stayed because she wanted to, because she loved you.

Will be thinking of you especially tomorrow.

OohMrDarcy Wed 07-Nov-12 19:34:28

Thinking of you tomorrow cup, just do what you can

and please don't feel guilty about Bea - like Fraktion said, she went when she was ready and stayed because she loved you

xx

thewhistler Wed 07-Nov-12 19:51:55

Cup,

Sounds a grim day.

Bea will have gone when was right for her.

Hugs.

Cup I've followed your threads about Beatrice, so sorry for your loss, hope all goes well tomorrow.

saffronwblue Wed 07-Nov-12 19:58:40

Oh Cup. Every minute that Bea was with you was filled with love and care for her. She stayed as long as she could.
Here to hold your hand.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Wed 07-Nov-12 20:14:43

Cup - there wasn't anything else you could have done for Beatrice, you did everything you possibly could.

I'm sorry about DD2's teacher sad How is DD2 finding her?? How is DD2 getting on at school? Ok considering?

Supermarket shopping is hard when you are struggling, they're big, noisy, you see things that upset you, it's all just 'too much'. Local shops for small bits or online shopping is a saviour.

TBH I am worried about you going tomorrow, I think it's an awful lot to put on yourself so soon - but one thing I am sure of, is that you will do your best and no-one can ask more than that. If you need to leave they will cope. Think of us standing alongside you x

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 07-Nov-12 20:17:02

Thinking of you tomorrow. Have you got a place you can go at work for a few minutes peace if you need it, and a friend you can take with you?

sassythebloodFIRSTy Wed 07-Nov-12 21:05:00

Cup - just wishing you well tomorrow. As a fellow teacher, when you are ready, it's a great job to give your grief a rest for a while - it's so full on you find that 10mins has gone by and you haven't thought about it, then 20 mins, then an hour...

But if you're not ready, there is no shame in saying so during tomorrow or later. No one would expect you back at work yet.

Thinking about you xx

eightytwenty Wed 07-Nov-12 21:06:39

Hi cup. I also had panic attacks when I tried to return to normal life after my father died in an accident. I wonder if this is a physiological reaction to grief.

Good luck for tomorrow.

X

Oh cup my lovely. You are doing so much, is it helping to be busy? I found some days it was but other days were just for bed in the early days. Make sure you are getting enough rest.

I wrote a very similar post about having a panic attack in sainsbury's - I remember thinking if I tell all these people my baby died maybe they'd be a bit quieter, a bit more gentle.

Good luck at work tomorrow - you are doing amazing. You did everything you thought was right at the time cup and no-one can do any more than that.

Lots of love and light xx

Four4me Wed 07-Nov-12 21:46:03

I will be thinking of you at work tomorrow ((((cup))))) Bea will be smiling at her wonderful mummy x

Cup, what a horrible day. You must know that Beatrice left when she had to; not earlier, and not later. I hope are going to have a restful night.

I felt like you after 'mere' MCs - how on earth can the sun still shine/the birds still thing/people chatter nonsense when I have just lost this baby? And my losses were v early prednancy losses; not babies I had held and cared for and loved. I know there is no Gradient of Grief or any kind of competition of loss, but I cannot begin to imagine how it must feel for you sad.
That teacher sounds like she has an empathy bypass angry...

Very best of luck for your return to work. I am sure you won't let the children down, even if you are not your usual self (how could you?). If it is right for you to return to work now, you will know. If it isn't, you will know.

Much love and strength x.

expatinscotland Wed 07-Nov-12 23:37:21

Thinking of you, cup.

And never, ever feel guilt about any of Bea's life or death. You did all you could and there is nothing wrong with wanting to keep her.

OrangeChicken Wed 07-Nov-12 23:46:14

Your words Cup at the beginning of this thread - they are lovely. You really are so very eloquent.

You know, Bea went when she was ready as the others have said. She obviously worked hard, yes - that was Beatrice through and through - she was no quitter that girl (!), but she wasn't hanging on against her will, she was waiting for the moment that was right for her. Don't feel guilty about family maybe not having said goodbye in person. In person is not the only way to say goodbye and goodbyes of the heart can be felt through space and time. Bea knows who loved her and cherished her, whether they made it to say it in person or not.

Good luck for returning to work tomorrow. It is different for everybody and only you can work out what is right for you. Take it as it comes and don't set yourself up to have expectations in anything - either what you can manage or how you feel or how long you stay for. One thing is sure and that's that a little butterfly will be with you the whole day through, smiling and now taking her turn to hold your hand! She will be proud, no matter what!

ExitPursuedByABrrrrrrr Wed 07-Nov-12 23:51:00

Will be thinking of you tomorrow - good luck. Those children are lucky to have you. All of them.

xxx

I know somebody who had a panic attack in the supermarket too. It was after her father had died.

Cup - I think Beatrice stayed as long as she could and then she went home to God. Nothing you did could have changed that and you shouldn't feel guilty. Your loving care kept her alive for those 13 months. Nobody could have done more.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow too. See how it goes but if you need to stop and go home people will manage. The children will manage. You aren't letting them down. You'll be showing them what a good woman and a good mother looks like.

pearlgirl Thu 08-Nov-12 00:57:43

Thinking of you tomorrow.
I had a panic attack in the dentists around the time of my mum's death - it was as if I couldn't cope with another thing in my head that I had to control and order.
As another fellow teacher I also found work a place I could put my grief to one side at times as work is so full on and I found that for me it helped - but that isn't the same for everyone. You will know what is right for you and if that is just to do part of the day or not do any of it people will manage and find a way forward, just as you will.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 08-Nov-12 01:22:29

I would guess that Bea stayed as long as she possibly could, which was much longer than expected, because she had your love and strength.
If she'd had any choice at all, I think she would have stayed forever.
I'm worried about you tomorrow too, it's very soon.

trumpton Thu 08-Nov-12 03:51:56

I just woke up and am posting to say my thoughts are with you tonight and every dark night .
I hope work goes well for you . Love to all the Teaset x

Everlong Thu 08-Nov-12 06:55:39

Sending love this morning cup
We are all with you.

sassythebloodFIRSTy Thu 08-Nov-12 06:57:05

Love to you this morning cup x

Thumbwitch Thu 08-Nov-12 07:05:58

Ah Cup (((hugs))).
Sorry to hear about the tyres, that's a real PITA and just feels so unnecessary.

Where Bea is concerned, you have nothing with which to reproach yourself - you and she were a team, doing the best for her, fighting the good fight as long as her strength held out. Sadly she was finally overcome - but you and she did everything possible to give her the best chance and the best life she could have - she would have stayed longer if she could have, I'm sure. xx

If you find work is too much for you tomorrow, make your excuses and leave early. I am sure that no one could blame you if you need to.

Somersaults Thu 08-Nov-12 07:33:31

Thinking about you today. Much love xxx

MorningPurples Thu 08-Nov-12 08:07:11

I just wanted to send you good wishes for returning to work today. I hope it goes well.

janey68 Thu 08-Nov-12 08:11:38

cupoftea - hope today goes well and offers some smiles amid your heartache. You sound such a lovely person; your pupils will love to see you again I'm sure.

FairiesWearPoppies Thu 08-Nov-12 08:18:04

Good luck today cup xxxxx

DottyDot Thu 08-Nov-12 08:21:20

Thinking of you today Cup xxx

ohmeohmy Thu 08-Nov-12 08:29:05

Hope you find what you need from working today. As others have said Bea went when she was ready, it wasn't up to anyone else including the drs. You are an amazing mum and I suspect a pretty good teacher too.

fhdl34 Thu 08-Nov-12 08:29:21

Thinking of you today cup. Please don't feel guilty, you did so much for Bea, I hope in your heart you know that. Be kind to yourself x

thewhistler Thu 08-Nov-12 08:57:02

Thinking of you.

MNP Thu 08-Nov-12 10:32:47

Oh Cup, yesterday was a rough day but I firmly believe didn't leave you a minute sooner than she had to, fly Bea.

Hope today is smooth running.

Squiglettsmummy2bx Thu 08-Nov-12 12:42:39

I saw a beautiful butterfly today & it made me think of you Cup & of precious little Bea. I hope today has treated you kindly.
Love & hugs xxx

JustFabulous Thu 08-Nov-12 14:00:22

I hope your time at work is going okay, Cup.

Umm, I think I may have bitten off more than I can chew... blush I only had to teach for 1hr 40mins, then had breaktime which I couldn't bear- so noisy, such inane chatter. My head was banging. Then I had an hour's PPA time. I tried to mark books but my head was swimming and it felt like I had play dough rattling around between my ears sad It took me 1hr 45mins to mark one set of books. I just kept yawning.

I loved being with the children, they were adorable. A few asked me, 'Is it true your baby died?', so I sat them down and gave them a small explanation.

I thought I might have a little snooze this afternoon, but dd1 was sent home sick from school. It never rains...!

Oh well, try again tomorrow I guess.

Everlong Thu 08-Nov-12 14:19:55

Tiny steps cup

fraktion Thu 08-Nov-12 14:24:08

You took a huge step today, it's ok to feel wobbly. Just take it easy at work and do what you can, as you can, when you can.

Hope DD1 feels better soon.

Oh yes, and when I got home from work there was a DVD waiting forme, of the music therapy sessions with Beatrice that were filmed. I'd love to watch it, but I know I'd be far too sad. At least I have those memories to relive when I feel ready.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Thu 08-Nov-12 14:25:08

Well done cup, you did really well.

RabidCarrot Thu 08-Nov-12 14:43:15

Holding you in my prayers xx

ChippingInLovesAutumn Thu 08-Nov-12 15:10:13

You got through it, that's pretty impressive kiddo smile

I think it's good that you talked to all of the children & once again, you were very brave - I would have cried and been hopeless!!

I'm sure that everyone is just pleased to see you and that no-one expects you to be completely on form - so what if the paperwork takes a bit longer?

How lovely to have the DVD - to know it's there smile It will be lovely to see it one day, when you are feeling strong enough.

I hope DD1 is feeling better x

Rowgtfc72 Thu 08-Nov-12 15:29:47

Well done cup, one day at a time.

ExitPursuedByABrrrrrrr Thu 08-Nov-12 15:37:04

Well done on getting through it. You are very brave.

Xxx

That's a huge step you've taken, well done. It's not surprisingly your head feels a bit woolly - there has been so much to think about for so long. One of my boys said to me after a long day at school "my head's full" - it's a brilliant description and I use it when things are getting too much.

I'm sorry DD is poorly too - can you snuggle up together and rest quietly?

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 08-Nov-12 16:22:23

Wow, well done. I would have been mush answering the children's questions.
That is really very impressive. Hope DD1 feels better soon.

JustFabulous Thu 08-Nov-12 17:51:37

I think you did brilliantly.

(really hope that doesn't sound patronising).

Four4me Thu 08-Nov-12 18:33:39

Well done you! I hope that dd1 is ok and you got a snooze together. The time will come for that DVD.

You are some woman cup!!!! (you can prob hear the Yorkshire accent!!!)

youarewinning Thu 08-Nov-12 18:40:38

Small steps cup, small steps. You went into work and you should be so proud of yourself for doing that. Whatever happens you went.

Beatrice will be proud of you too. She will have wanted to fight and thats why she did - because of your love for her and because she felt loved. Please try and see this as the positive thing it is.

Big (((hugs))) to you all and I hope DD1 is feeling better soon. x

KateUnrulyBush Thu 08-Nov-12 19:16:21

I think you did incredibly well going in to work today. I teach primary too, I know what it's like! If it feels too much tomorrow, or any other day, don't go in. Painting on a brave face in front of the kids is exhausting. Small steps, as others have said.

In awe of you, as ever xx

Cup, I am glad your day went ok.
Children can be a real 'tonic', can't they? smile.
They just come right out and ask, no polite eumphemisms, no hasty expression of insincere condolences, no averting of eyes.
And then they move on to a fight over who gets to play with the red car grin...

I agree with everybody else, one step at a time, one day at a time.
The time will come when that DVD will be a treasure.

Thumbwitch Thu 08-Nov-12 22:39:30

That's the first step - hopefully it will get easier for you next time and the time after that. But if it doesn't, that doesn't matter either - you need time, so accept things how they go and allow yourself to be whatever you need to be.

I hope that the DVD will bring you lots of joy in time, even though it's too raw to watch just now.

xx

saffronwblue Thu 08-Nov-12 23:04:18

Wow- you are so brave cup. Even if it was exhausting I hope the interaction with kids and colleagues gave you a little lift as well. Just accept that your soul and mind are very wounded and you will take longer to do admin tasks and absorb information. You will be back up to speed when the time is right.

I love that you were able to talk to the children about Bea. I was at a meeting the other day where people were talking about the importance of bringing "your whole self" to work. You really demonstrated that.

trumpton Fri 09-Nov-12 00:37:22

In the still of the night , my thoughts take flight , and I wake to think if you . Wishing you a peaceful night .

MNP Fri 09-Nov-12 01:21:06

The DVD was a nice thing after what sounds like a big adjustment day Cup.

Hope DD1 is on the mend soon.

Baby steps Cup, baby steps.

janey68 Fri 09-Nov-12 07:22:54

Hope today goes well, whether youre teaching or at home, hope you feel Beatrice close beside you.

Today was a much better day smile work went well, just waiting for the girls to get home from school to make cookies together, then a friend is coming over later for a glass of wine.

Can't believe it was a week since we buried Beatrice. Dd2 keeps talking of Bea playing angel tag with all the other angel babies. Let's hope she's right...

onedev Fri 09-Nov-12 16:21:46

I'm sure she is. Well done on getting through the week. Your bravery is inspiring. Hope you're able to enjoy your wine & the weekend.

onedev Fri 09-Nov-12 16:23:08

Sorry, I'm sure enjoy is the wrong word - I certainly didn't mean to sound flippant. blush.

janey68 Fri 09-Nov-12 16:24:51

That's such a sweet image and wonderful that your girls feel comfortable to talk so openly about Bea and what's happened. I know others have said it (and I hope you don't mind it being repeated) but you really are inspirational as a family. Such tragedies can and do strike any family, and I'm sure many who have experienced similar things, or who will do so in the future, are able to draw on your words and the way you are coping day to day.

Hope the cookies turn out good, and wine is definitely a great Friday evening plan.

thewhistler Fri 09-Nov-12 17:05:23

Well done, brilliant.

Love the image of angel tag. With butterflies flying around.

I hope you get some rest during the weekend.

smile

Glad to hear you had a better day.

ExitPursuedByABrrrrrrr Fri 09-Nov-12 19:27:23

Lovely to hear you sounding brighter Cup.

Hope you have a peaceful weekend.

IwishIwasmoreorganised Fri 09-Nov-12 19:47:49

Glad to hear that today was easier.

Your ds's are obviously taking after you in their lovely ways.

Hope the wine hits the spot tonight.

KateUnrulyBush Fri 09-Nov-12 21:22:50

That's lovely to hear, Cup. smile

fluffypillow Fri 09-Nov-12 21:47:11

I'm pleased today went a little better than yesterday for you . I hope your girls enjoyed their baking. Lovely image of little Bea playing angel tag smile.

I hope you get some rest over the weekend. Thinking of you x

CaroleService Fri 09-Nov-12 22:00:05

Chasing the butterflies ...

trumpton Sat 10-Nov-12 02:14:26

Angel tag with butterflies and Beatrice . A lovely image to help you through the dark nights . Bless you Cup and your family , you are constantly in my thoughts x

You're doing so well Cup. Glad work went better. Your dds spound so sweet and you're doing a great job helping them through their grief for Bea.

Everlong Sat 10-Nov-12 12:27:22

Angel tag. That's the sweetest thing I've heard in a long time.
A beautiful thought.

Hope your weekend has some peaceful moments cup xx

I've held off from posting this in case you think I'm crackers, but here goes:

1) After Beatrice died, dh left the hospital to collect the girls and as he got into the car, he noticed a little plastic bumble bee on the floor by the driver's door which he picked up and gave to me.

2) Just before Beatrice took her last breath, dh kissed her head and she squeezed my finger. That night in the hospice, dh woke up to feel something squeezing his little finger.

3) A few months ago, I stayed at a friend's house after a work night out. That night I took an eyeliner out with me, It was from the States, you can't buy it in the UK or even online. The next morning when I emptied my bag from the night before, the eyeliner had gone. I was really cross because as I said, I couldn't get another one like it. My friend and I turned the room upside down trying to find it, but it wasn't there so I assumed I must have dropped it on the night out. My friend has had other people to stay in the room since so has changed the bedding and pulled all the furniture out to hoover and dust etc. The day after Beatrice died, she walked into the room, and there was the eyeliner, sat on the floor in the middle of the room.

4) On Wednesday, as I was unpacking the last of my things into my bedroom drawers, I found a beautiful hairbclip with a big blue and purple sparkly butterfly on it. It's quite striking, I would have known if it was the girls' one, but I'd never seen it before. I wore it to work the next day on my first day back.

So, what do you make of all that? Coincidences? The finger-squeezing could have been dh's imagination, but he swore he felt it, plus he never wakes up in the middle of the night! The bumble bee on the floor by the car- could have been dropped there by someone, but how strange that it was right there, right then. How can the eyeliner be explained? What about the butterfly hair clip?

JustFabulous Sat 10-Nov-12 18:02:15

It was Bea smile.

There are more things in this world than we can see or explain. We only know how it makes us feel. I don't think you're crazy at all.

thewhistler Sat 10-Nov-12 18:33:57

Cup,

My lovely brother in law collapsed and died v suddenly. At once there were butterflies not on him but on the rock next to him.

He loved babies and small children and would have loved to have had a little girl as well as his boys.

So perhaps they are there together.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sat 10-Nov-12 19:39:58

There are somethings you can't explain - you just have to enjoy. Ask Rinders about the lights grin! I'm not at all religious, but I believe there is life after this one & Bea is in very good company - lots of love, cuddles & mischief - watching down on you all, doing the odd thing to make her presence known smile

MrsHende Sat 10-Nov-12 19:59:33

I love these little things, it's Bea and her angel friends.

thixotropic Sat 10-Nov-12 20:01:51

Long time lurker just checking in to say I think you are the most amazing person, Cup.

I have been in tears at every one of your threads. (sorry)

Bea was so lucky to have you as her mummy.

I am quite sure she is running around playing Angel tag in a meadow full of butterflies. And sending the odd mischievous hairclip your way to remind you that she won't ever forget you....

DutchOma Sat 10-Nov-12 20:07:05

These are all good things that are happening to you. We none of us can explain all or any of the 'whys' and 'wherefores'
Whether co-incidence or God-incidence I am sure they are sent to comfort you and I'm particularly glad that some of these comforts have also happened to your dh.
May the peace of God be with you all.

elliejjtiny Sat 10-Nov-12 20:46:01

I don't think you're crazy. After my miscarriage my FIL said something very insensitive about how he didn't believe that miscarried babies went to heaven. I was worrying about it and a couple of months later I saw a little girl in my bathroom and she said something that DH's Gran used to say to me a lot before she died. Then she did this little smile just like DS2 does. If I tell people they say I dreamt it but I couldn't have dreamt DS2's smile 2.5 years before he was born.

eightytwenty Sat 10-Nov-12 22:07:57

Lovely post Dutch oma. I don't believe in god. And yet, I had a number of special moments, from which I was able to take comfort, after my father died.

Cup. How are the rest of the tea set coping? And are you coping with the logistics of your new home? Do you need anything? Can we help?

fluffypillow Sat 10-Nov-12 23:48:15

They are such lovely things to have happened, I hope you can take some comfort in it.

If you had told me this a few years ago, I probably would have said it was coinsidence, but after the things that happened after I lost loved ones, I totally believe it is much more.

My Gran was in hospital a few years ago, very poorly, and the nurse told us she would not make it. I went to the window in the ward to collect my thoughts, looked up, and a butterfly was trying to get out. I caught it and released it outside. A few minutes later, my Gran died. I didn't think anything of it until the day of her funeral. We were back at the house, and my Son came into the room with butterfly on his shirt ( a real one!) I took him to the door, and pushed it off of him, but as we walked back in, it stuck to him again! Fast forward a couple of weeks, and Mum and I went to bury Grans ashes . As the prayers we being said, two butterflies flew around us. I like to think this was because we buried the ashes with my Grandads.

I lost my Dad also last year, and when we buried his ashes, we looked down, and the ground was covered in ladybirds! In a funny sort of way it was quite distracting, and it's strange because my Dad always tried to distract me from anything sad, or serious by being funny, I think that the ladybirds were sent from him. Ladybirds often seem to turn up at significant moments now, especially around my children, which I love and find very comforting.

Sorry to be so long winded, but I just wanted you to know that I have experienced similar things, and totally believe this was Bea sending you comfort.

Thinking of you x

Thumbwitch Sun 11-Nov-12 00:21:26

Bea-utiful messages, I would say Cup. As someone has already said, there are more things in heaven and earth than we can explain - and I would take comfort from them all. Thank you for posting about them. xx

trumpton Sun 11-Nov-12 05:55:49

Dark here still this morning . I am sure that the "findings" are there to provide peace and even help you raise a tentative smile at the tricks the angels play . Beatrice must be chuckling away to her angel friends as you scratch your heads !

ExitPursuedByABrrrrrrr Sun 11-Nov-12 12:45:05

As the great Bard said

"There are more things in heaven and earth ... than are dreamt of in your philosophy".

Take comfort in those signs.

Everlong Sun 11-Nov-12 12:53:48

I like that a lot exit

I want her back. I want her back so badly sad. She was in my dream last night. I dreamed she got over the pneumonia. We took her off the oxygen and she was saturating at 86%. All the nurses were waiting for her to pass away, but she held her ground and kept going. We took her home and she was smiling. Smiling and playing with me, she couldn't do those things in real life, but she was really developing in my dream. Then I woke up. I was so sad to wake up.

And it was the older girls who woke me up to ask if they could go downstairs. I hardly wanted to look at them, they woke me up when I was playing with Beatrice sad

I wish I could sleep forever. If that's what I have to do to see her again, I never want to wake up. It's so hard.

Everlong Sun 11-Nov-12 15:30:46

That's so hard for you. It sounds like a beautiful dream, I'm sorry it didn't last longer. I'm glad you had it though. I remember all the dreams I've ever had about my lost ds and revisit them.

This is stage is so raw. The pain is physical. All I can say is that very slowly it eases, I know you know this but I just want to say it. But your love will grow and grow.

sad

You take your comfort, what little there is, from whereever it comes.
It is hard; probably the most profound feeling of loss any of us every fear to have to deal with - the loss of a child.

I hope sleep will bring playtime with Beatrice again.
Wishing you ongoing strength and sending much love xx.

KateUnrulyBush Sun 11-Nov-12 17:53:06

sad

Just offering a hand to hold, Cup.

Bobloblaw Sun 11-Nov-12 20:08:18

I wish I knew what to say Cup, I am so sorry, I think of you all so much, I wish I was closer x

Four4me Sun 11-Nov-12 20:35:45

I wish you had her back lovely. It is so bloody crap and unfair and sad for you. Massive hug xxxx

IwishIwasmoreorganised Sun 11-Nov-12 22:05:17

What a gorgeous but cruel dream to have, and to be woken part way through seems even more unfair.

I wish I had some words of comfort cup, but there are none.

You're all still very much in my thoughts though.

Xxx

MNP Mon 12-Nov-12 01:29:32

Hugs Cup.

trumpton Mon 12-Nov-12 01:43:35

No words of wisdom here just a hand holding out to you . I hope you are sleeping peacefully x

CaroleService Mon 12-Nov-12 11:46:27

Oh cup sad.

diffo Mon 12-Nov-12 12:40:06

First time posting here, but I followed your story with Beatrice. I am so very sorry for your loss. There are no words that will take away your pain.

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal"

janey68 Mon 12-Nov-12 18:32:50

Oh cupoftea. I hope Beatrice visits you in your dreams again soon and you get to play with her.

Even if she couldn't smile and play in real life, having looked at her photos it's so clear that she felt loved and happy. I'm sure in her heart she was smiling and gurgling and I'm sure wherever her spirit is now, she's smiling and feeling your love

thewhistler Mon 12-Nov-12 19:44:11

Cup, lots of love. I agree with janey, she gave, inspired and received love. Nothing ever goes to waste and that love continues, even when there is a hideous aching gap.

OrangeChicken Tue 13-Nov-12 00:08:05

Cup ... I believe that God sent you that dream to show you that in Heaven Beatrice CAN smile, and she CAN play - and she IS doing too! To let you know that, despite your dreadful, awful sadness and loss, that Beatrice's little wings are growing and growing - and she wanted to share a glimpse of that with her beloved mummy, just to let you know that she's doing fine, and not to worry...

trumpton Tue 13-Nov-12 03:29:08

A clear still night here and the stars are very near and bright. I am thinking of you and hold you in my thoughts .

Cup, I have regular dreams about Mia too. Comforting, but yes, waking up is terrible. Such an aching loss. Yet it is the only way we can hold and touch them, so you wait with such longing for the next time.

All your signs are little messages from Bea. I think many of us receive them - all different, but always meaningful. It is wonderful when you find these little love notes. Mine are cloud kisses - woke this morning to see three in the blue sky, one for me, one for MrMia, and one for Mia's unborn sibling.

You might find that your daughters, and especially small children, play with Bea. It is quite extraordinary. They could go on the swings together, talk on the phone, play games, read stories... I can only think that perhaps their creative, unformed minds see and understand a world that we don't.

I am so tired. This morning I went for a tea with a group of mums and they gave me a gift- they had clubbed together and had a star named after Beatrice. My dad was an astronomer and would have been able to use the co-ordinates to find it. But he's dead too. Then I went with a couple of friends to the city centre for a drink and everywhere I looked I saw babies. Pushchairs, slings, pregnant women, smiling couples, toddlers... I hate it sad I want my Beatrice back. I miss her smell so much. I miss dressing her in her cute clothes and singing her songs and doing her physio with her as I tickled her toes. I just want to smell her hair again and hold her hand.

After I got home, I slept for nearly 3 hours this afternoon, cuddled under two of her blankets. The blankets she had wrapped around her at the hospice, but they don't smell of her anymore. My dh has done all the school/playdate/Rainbow/supermarket runs today. I have contributed precisely nothing to the family or household today. Feel slightly ashamed, but equally too exhausted to care. I don't feel like me at all. I thought I was doing well, but now I'm not so sure. Dh is due back in work the week after next and I'm panicking a bit- I don't know what I'll do really. I can't face work on Thursday. I've got masses of prep to do before then, and it's my whole school assembly- It was meant to be mine last week, but a friend took it for me, I can't bail again.

I'm in two minds whether to go to the GP tomorrow and see if I can get some time off, but then I'm just delaying the inevitable, aren't I? I have to go back one day.

I hate feeling like this. I had a purpose in life when Beatrice was here. My job was to protect her and fight for her. I looked in my diary this morning and she and I had 4 appointments between Monday-Wednesday this week. That was our life. NOW WHAT? Nothingness stretched ahead of me as far as the eye can see. If I could turn back the clock, I wouldn't have gone to sleep at 2am and I could have prevented them from giving her the Oromorph which I am sure killed her. I can't believe I fell asleep for an hour and they overdosed her. My poor girl didn't stand a chance after that. The doctorr at the hospice said it was too long between it being administered and her dying for it to have been connected, but it was after that was administered that her respiratory rate went down to 4 beats a minute and although she lasted until 10.20am, she never recovered her original breathing rate. Why did I go to sleep??

JustFabulous Tue 13-Nov-12 18:02:21

Oh cup sad.

Don't torture yourself. No one could have done more for their baby than you did.

If you feel work is too much, get signed off. Quite frankly if school force you to take an assembly before you are ready then I would question their compassion.

Just because you think you have to go back at some point doesn't mean it isn't right to take more time off now.

MajorBumsore Tue 13-Nov-12 18:09:11

Hi Cup, you don't 'know' me. I am mostly a lurker, but I have followed Beatrice's story from her birth. I am immensely sorry that she has gone.

I can't add anything that others haven't already said, but just to say, I'm also a primary teacher and a dear colleague of mine lost her much wanted baby son last year. She has not yet reurned to work, but when she does, it will be a phased return.
Please don't even think about doing whole school assembly yet. Can you speak to the head about doing things slowly at the moment?
Much love

Everlong Tue 13-Nov-12 18:10:07

Sweetheart you are doing well. You are getting through the day, that's all that's expected of you.

Honestly, I would get signed off work. Grief is the most exhausting thing. Totally unexpected. You need time to just take in what's happened, sleep when you want to and just look after yourself.

Your colleagues will understand. As for doing your class assembly, that's too much for you. Far too much.

Look after you. Xxxx

expatinscotland Tue 13-Nov-12 18:14:44

cup, I really think you should see your GP and get signed off. The shock wears off and you're left with, well, what your post described.

It is exhausting. Even 4 months on I am often exhausted with grief.

One MNer who lost her son very wisely suggested I take many videos and photos of our son and daughter, as she found it hard to remember a good deal of the first year after her middle child's death. And so far, she's right.

sad

There is a huge letdown, too, after having cared so intensively fof your child - several of us have had this as well.

And the what if's and second guessing - yep. I still do that, even now.

Please be kind to yourself, cups.

(((()))

Somersaults Tue 13-Nov-12 18:40:58

Cup, you are trying so hard and doing so well but nobody expects you to be a hero. You need to take the time to grieve. I'm a primary school teacher and I would never expect a colleague to be back as fast as you, let alone take whole school assembly. No one will think any the worse of you if you take some time off. You need it.

Hugs, love and prayers xxx

GRW Tue 13-Nov-12 19:04:25

I am sorry you are hurting so much, and I agree with the others that you need to get signed off work. It's not realistic to expect you to cope with planning and assemblies at this stage.

It's a normal part of grieving to blame yourself and wonder what you could have done differently. You did everything you possibly could for Beatrice. If it would help you a few months down the line I am sure one of the doctors at the Hospice would meet with you to talk things through.

Take care x

janey68 Tue 13-Nov-12 19:16:19

I am sure this is a natural phase to go be going through- the questioning, the what it's, the replaying events and wondering if things could have been different. But please try to hold onto the truth which is that you loved and cared for and fought for your Beatrice until it was time for her to go. She knows that. Your family know that.

Take things a step at a time. NO one will expect you to do a school assembly, talk to your colleagues and head and they'll understand. If work is what you need right now then that's fine, but if you can't face it I agree you should get signed off. There are no rights or wrongs here- you do what your body tells you it needs right now.

KateUnrulyBush Tue 13-Nov-12 19:58:21

Just thought I should second what others have said about getting signed off work. I know what it's like in primary schools but they can, and will, carry on without you.

Put yourself and your family first for now.

With love, thinking of you every day xx

Cup - please don't torment yourself about what happened in Beatrice's last night. If it might help you could ask the HDU sister or charge nurse to go over Bea's notes with you but fwiw I don't think the dose in the night made any difference. Bea was really struggling with her respiratory function and she died because of respiratory failure. Nothing on earth could have helped that. She died in the arms of the people who loved her best and fought for her every second of her life. You did everything you could. You didn't fail your girl.

expatinscotland Tue 13-Nov-12 22:25:00

And cup, having had a child who also died of respiratory failure and spent her last 12 days in ICU, do not underestimate how exhausted you were. You have to sleep! People have to sleep at one point.

MNP Tue 13-Nov-12 23:00:07

Cup you had to sleep to function, please don't beat yourself up over that.

trumpton Wed 14-Nov-12 01:57:01

I hope that tonight brings you the peace and calm you so desperately need . No one could have done more for your precious girl.

All of the flowers we were given after Beatrice died had wilted. I threw them out this morning and that just feels like another 'end'.

I rang the surgery yesterday to get an appointment but they could only give me one with a locum next Monday. I asked for one sooner with the GP who drove Beatrice to A&E that time (remember that, when she stopped breathing and the ambulance never came, the GP was crying in panic and drove us to A&E herself?!), she was also the GP who rang after Beatrice died to pass on the condolences of the practice. She also said, 'If you ever need to talk, just ring...' Anyway, the receptionist said there was no way I could see her as she has a full clinic today. So I explained that my dd had died and GP said I could call anytime, and the receptionist did a very over-dramatic sigh and said there's nothing she can do. I wanted to drive down there and shake her. I know she was only doing her job, but it took a lot of guts to call the surgery and she was so obstructive sad Anyway, she said she'd put a note on the GP's desk, that's all she could do, and of course, I haven't heard anything.

I can ring from 10am and be offered a telephone consultation with a locum today, but I don't feel I can talk about this over the phone. So now of course I am panicking that I will just have to go into work tomorrow after all, and what if I can't do it... Why is it all so difficult?

Everlong Wed 14-Nov-12 10:08:36

Good god I want to drive down there myself and throttle her for you.

How insensitive and bloody cruel. I hope you get to speak to your GP. She sounds lovely. I bet if she can she will see you.

Hope so.

saffronwblue Wed 14-Nov-12 10:16:20

Oh cup it is all so hard and raw. What an idiot receptionist. I think it might be worth talking with the locum; just tell him that it is only a couple of weeks since you lost your precious girl and you are not ready to go back to work. You have been so strong- not just since Bea's passing, but in all the days since she was born. You lovingly put Bea's needs and your family's needs first. Now your body is telling you to rest and look after yourself.

JustFabulous Wed 14-Nov-12 10:23:27

It will be fine. The GP will see that you have rung and she will call you.

If she doesn't ring the locum as you need signing off and it is a means to an end.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Wed 14-Nov-12 10:46:30

I'm sorry she was such a bitch sad Would you like one of us to ring the surgery for you? I am sure the GP would be very pissed off to hear you have been treat like this sad

I think you should ring the Head, explain that you need a more gradual return to work, shorter hours there and no 'big' things like whole year assemblies... it is too much my love.

GP called and I've been signed off for a week. She'll call again next Wednesday and we'll discuss a return to work on reduced duties. I feel I can relax now and just sleep.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Wed 14-Nov-12 11:50:45

Oh that's a good start, I'm sure she'll do what's right for you. Try to get some sleep x

JustFabulous Wed 14-Nov-12 11:54:27

<sigh of relief>

Now go and sleep.

Everlong Wed 14-Nov-12 11:57:11

That's good news cup x

KateUnrulyBush Wed 14-Nov-12 14:23:41

Glad that is sorted. Your GP sounds very nice indeed. Her receptionist... not so much.

Hope you get some rest and sleep xx

I'm glad that's something sorted anyway. You have a year's worth of stress and exhaustion to unravel, it's not surprising you are wrung out. There are so many "what if's and maybe's" and I don't think there's anything wrong at all with you going over things and wondering whether you could have done anything differently, just try not to beat yourself up about any of it. You and your family did the very best for your darling girl and some day you will be able to be proud of it all, but right now you need to put yourself first and do what your body says it wants to do. Sleep is good, eating, resting and looking after yourself is good and don't feel guilty about anything.

You are all in our thoughts every day, wishing you some proper sleep tonight.

Carrotcakeisace Wed 14-Nov-12 19:26:13

Oh Cup, as others have said do not torment yourself with "ifs and buts", you did your absolute best (and what an exemplary best) for Beatrice every second of her life. It is, unfortunately, human nature to look to blame yourself but you did nothing wrong and have always amazed me with your totally dedication to her care. Bea thrived for so long because of you. I was away when you posted your video and couldn't see it but since coming back home I have watched it and was astounded by how much she had grown and that was down to you. It's heartbreaking that she had to leave but my god you made the most of every second and never has a child known such absolute love. Please don't think you shouldn't of slept, of course you should, you couldn't prevent what happened and that just sucks but it was no one faults, especially not yours

On a separate note, and I speak as a teacher, of course you shouldn't be in work, wading through planning or taking assembly. I sincerely doubt any of your colleagues are even expecting you to be there. Take all the time you need, sleep, rest, treat yourself. You have had 14 months of unrelenting stress and pressure, no one expects you to go straight back to work. Do a phased return but don't be pressured but your inner teacher voice, your class won't collapse without you and yes whilst it's true you do it one way and cover will do it differently, does it really matter?

As ever, you remain in my thoughts and prayers x

thewhistler Wed 14-Nov-12 19:43:21

Go to sleep and rest. It is what your body and mind need.

RabidCarrot Wed 14-Nov-12 20:19:20

Cups, my heart breaks for you truly it does, and I admit I have no clue how you feel right now, but please please do not beat yourself up over going to sleep, from everything I have read here you did everything possible for Beatrice, I understand there is a massive void no one can ever fill and that it is early days, I do know the pain will never go away, but I also know you have two other beautiful children who will help you heal, and as dark as it seems now there will be light again.
A star is a beautiful idea, it sounds as though you have good people around you.
God bless

I'd second sleep when you can, rest. And eat when you feel able to.

You will have to feel your own way through the nightmare that is bereavement sad. But you will do it; I know you will.

Much love x.

fraktion Wed 14-Nov-12 22:18:47

cup I have nothing wise or helpful to say but I'm still thinking of you and your precious Bea. Take care of yourself, sweetheart.

KnottyLocks Wed 14-Nov-12 22:25:50

Thinking of you, my lovely. If there's anything I can do, you know where I am x

I've just realised, she never cut a tooth sad

Thumbwitch Wed 14-Nov-12 22:45:22

Thank goodness for lovely GP. Hope she has a word to the snitty receptionist as well but at least you have some respite from the stress of work.

Cup - just remember that you did the best fort Bea at all times. Always. She did amazingly well under your care and always knew you were her strongest champion. You did everything you could to give her as long and happy a life as you could - you couldn't have done more than you did. thanks

expatinscotland Wed 14-Nov-12 23:02:13

cup, you are not alone. That is all I can offer you, and so many others on here who have lost their children (thank you, Everlong, I say Oliver's name when I light Aillidh's candle, and Bea's, too, cup).

I wish I could give her back, I wish I could give them all back to us. I'll never understand it, why our children were taken from us.

But I can't. I'm so sorry you were bereaved of Bea.

Please, please, take time to grieve. Even if it's just in trickles, it's very hard to do, because it means letting them go again.

Here for you anytime.

It's early days for us both.

((())))

trumpton Thu 15-Nov-12 03:20:06

Somewhere in the dark please know that I am thinking of you and all of the children who have left heartbroken families to mourn them .

Splinters Thu 15-Nov-12 19:11:03

So am I.

Everlong Thu 15-Nov-12 19:13:31

Thank you expat thanks

cup how are you today? Have you managed to relax a bit?

twinklesunshine Thu 15-Nov-12 19:32:43

So glad that the GP called you back and you have a week to breathe at least. My little boy died 8 months ago, and I don't work so didn't have that added problem, but if I did, there was no way that I could have gone back so early. I was barely able to function. I read somewhere that its all a bereaved person can do to get through the day in the beginning, its exhausting, and putting any extra pressure on ourselves just means that we cant cope with it. In my situation I think thats right, it took me 6 months to even be able to function to a level that I could pick my little boy up from school.

Things are getting easier, I can cope much better on a day to day basis, but back at the beginning I just needed to do whatever I could to get through a day, sometimes it was sleep, play suduko, internet, tv - anything to pass the time.

I have also spent a lot of time going over the what ifs. My little boy wasn't poorly. We put him to bed as normal and when we went to check on him he had died. I was the only one at home with him and I tortured myself that I was just downstairs, didnt hear him, what if he called for me, what if he was scared, was it quick, did he know, did I miss something, was he poorly. After months and months of this I tried to just think that he knew I loved him, I would do anything for him, he knew that, and if I could have stopped it I would. You would have to, of course you would, but sometimes its just out of our hands, and the guilt of that is the hardest to come to terms with I think.

I dont think like that so much now, its just a really slow process, and I think part of the grieving is going over and over it, the brain just doesnt seem to be able to turn it off.

I really am thinking of you and hope that you can get some rest this week and then have another chat with the gp.

Lots of love xxxx

thewhistler Thu 15-Nov-12 20:05:47

Cup, look after yourself. Self reproach though completely wrongly based is inevitable, but try to cherish yourself a bit even while you go through all the different types and stages of grief. You were the perfect mother for Bea, just as she was the perfect babe for you. Honestly.

Twinkle I'm so sorry. As with cup, nothing one can say is adequate. But thoughts are with you too.

MNP Fri 16-Nov-12 00:57:33

Hugs Cup, Twinkle and all left behind Mummy's.

Cup you need time, grief is very individual, get your rest and strength back and then you can start to move forward.

trumpton Fri 16-Nov-12 02:38:37

I am so sad for you . Please look after yourself . No one could have done more for your darling girl . The memories you built with her and your family will come to be of comfort to you .

trumpton Sat 17-Nov-12 01:17:27

I have been thinking of you all day , how I hope that you are sleeping now .

eightytwenty Sat 17-Nov-12 13:15:22

How are you cup? Hope finding peace in autumn sunshine and Love in cuddles from the tea set.

Grief is exhausting. I am glad the dr signed you off.

JustFabulous Sat 17-Nov-12 16:59:44

I saw a butterly ornament in M & S this morning and immediately thought of you, cup and your family. Hope you are able to take care of yourselves.

trumpton Sun 18-Nov-12 03:43:47

I am thinking of you and sending a prayer for peace in your heart and love to all the Teaset . I have been knitting today and every stitch is a stitch of love for Beatrice x

saffronwblue Sun 18-Nov-12 04:49:59

I was in the supermarket today and they were playing Van Morrison's "BrownEyed Girl." Made me instantly think of Beatrice. I don't know if it helps to know that people you have never met are mourning your daughter.
Thinking of all the Teaset xx

DutchOma Sun 18-Nov-12 10:07:45

Thinking of you on this beautiful Sunday morning

trumpton Mon 19-Nov-12 01:02:25

It's blowing a hooley out there tonight. Our first winter storm. I hope your night is more peaceful. Sending you love and letting you that I am thinking of you .

Thank you for thinking of Beatrice, and of my family and I. I shall update later. Right now I have to drag myself out of bed. Each morning is so hard without the motivation of my snuffly, content little girl. She was doing so well, I feel like she's been stolen from me. It's all so wrong.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 19-Nov-12 08:53:58

Thinking of you cup x

So sorry for your loss too, twinkle x

Squiglettsmummy2bx Mon 19-Nov-12 11:50:28

Thinking of you all Cup. You are doing so well. Sending you hugs xxx

JustFabulous Mon 19-Nov-12 12:23:23

It is wrong, cup. It is wrong for anyone to lose someone they love and it always hurts.

gingergran Mon 19-Nov-12 14:29:07

You and your family are often in my thoughts although I don't post often.

It is wrong that Beatrice was taken from you so young and I hope in time you find comfort with your memories of the joy and inspiration that she brought not only to you and your family but to a whole group of people that she never met.

Look after yourself xx

Four4me Mon 19-Nov-12 14:33:48

((((cup))))

fhdl34 Mon 19-Nov-12 15:11:34

Oh cup, I think of you, Bea and the family every day. You might not feel it now but you are a strong person, Bea enjoyed as full a life as she could in her short time because of you.
It is so wrong that she was taken so early. Remember Lourdes, remember your happy memories, hug your girls, hug your husband, get them to hug you. And please, be kind to yourself. One day at a time xxx

CaroleService Mon 19-Nov-12 16:51:47

(((((cup)))))

Love is a double-edged sword.

QuickLookBusy Mon 19-Nov-12 18:20:01

Oh Cup my heart breaks for you and all the mums who have lost their precious children.

I want to ask you to take a bit of time for yourself, Cup. I haven't lost a child, but my sister lost her baby daughter and my best friend lost her teenage daughter in an accident. They both needed time, just to be themselves for a while, time to cry and sleep and just get through each day. So please don't put added pressure on yourself to return to work.

It may take many months to return and that is fine, your school will understand. Tell your lovely Gp that you don't feel ready yet and you need a month or so.xx

When Beatrice and I went out in the car together I would always put the radio on and sing along, as she always liked music and appeared to enjoy my singing hmm Anyway, whenever I switched off the engine and the radio fell silent I would wait...to hear her take a big breath, then I'd say, 'We're here, Beatrice! Mummy will come and get you out now.'

Now whenever I turn off the engine, I wait. But there's nothing there. No big breath. No reason to say we've arrived.

I miss her so much. Every little thing about her and it just won't go away. Nearly midnight and I'm crying in the dark. Before I know it I'll have to get up and plaster the smile on for the world. Why did she go so soon?

saffronwblue Mon 19-Nov-12 23:58:42

Oh cup it is so unfair. You don't have to plaster on a smile. Just do the tasks you have to and give yourself time every day to curl into a ball and grieve.

KateUnrulyBush Tue 20-Nov-12 04:48:15

Sending love and a hand to hold in the dark. You are so brave, but it is good to make space and time to take that mask off, they are exhausting to wear. xx

trumpton Tue 20-Nov-12 04:58:22

Oh sweetheart how I wish that we could help you through these dark and hopeless days . Everything that I try to say seems so trite. But know this, whenever you cry in the dark there will be one of us thinking of you, and holding out a hand of support .
You and your darling girl are in my thoughts .

ChippingInLovesAutumn Tue 20-Nov-12 09:22:49

Oh my love, it is so very very hard isn't it sad You and Bea made each other so happy and to have her physically taken so soon is so unfair. For all of your pregnancy and for 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day you put pretty much everything you had into Bea - her being taken away is bound to leave the most enormous hole in your life - in your head, your heart & your arms.

All you can do right now is look after yourself & hang in there - grieving is really, really exhausting, it drains you completely. Please trust everyone when they say it does get easier to cope & you find a way of living alongside it. Right now you probably don't believe that, you probably can't see how it's possible and you probably feel that it's wrong to stop feeling these intense feelings - that in someway that would mean you miss her less or love her less, that's not true. You wont ever stop loving or missing Bea, but it wont always be this raw.

There aren't so many posts now because it's so hard to know what to say - so many of us are still here though, still hurting for you, still thinking of you, Bea & the whole tea set, we haven't abandoned you & we wont. There are still candles being lit, prayers being said, love being sent xxx

MNP Tue 20-Nov-12 11:24:37

Oh Cup, she was a very lucky girl and didn't want to leave you but other plans had been made for you both. It doesn't go away but it just becomes easier to continue with the special memories you have.

Everlong Tue 20-Nov-12 11:35:33

Oh cup I wish I could take that pain away for you and me and all the other mums without their children. I so wish I could. There aren't any magic words that help, nothing anyone can do but I just hope you know how much we are behind you, holding you up. Thinking about you when it's dark at night. Thinking about Beatrice.

fluffypillow Tue 20-Nov-12 12:35:15

Still thinking of you Cup, and your little Beatrice. Life is so unfair.

Take it easy, and look after yourself. I don't know what to say, nothing can make it better, but just wanted you to know that you and your gorgeous girl are in my thoughts x

Oh cup

There will be so many more 'firsts' when you will realise over and over again what has been taken from you.
I really having nothing to add to what others have said. Look after yourself. And the Teaset. And allow them to look after you in whatever ways they can.

Thinking of you often x.

Lilithmoon Tue 20-Nov-12 23:47:12

Thinking of you and your family. x

trumpton Wed 21-Nov-12 02:57:29

I am awake and thinking of you .

FannyAddams Wed 21-Nov-12 03:20:38

Also awake and saw the thread title, thinking of you cup.

Also your title made me wonder if this had been mentioned to you, maybe for DC next summer? You may well have come across them already. butterfly garden

trumpton Wed 21-Nov-12 11:41:55

I am away for a few days and dont know what internet access I will have ( on stupid Island tariff for roaming ) but if I dont post in the wee small hours its not because I am asleep but because I can't get a signal. But, Darling, I will be thinking of you and yours everyday and night.

pearlgirl Wed 21-Nov-12 22:39:58

Thinking of you and your family.

cup just thinking of you, and please know that I am around if you need me. xx

trumpton Thu 22-Nov-12 03:27:17

Have got logged on to wifi and am wide awake and sending love during a night of loud street noises and sirens . Sleep well Cup .

zebrafinch Thu 22-Nov-12 04:02:56

Cup, thinking of you, Beatrice and all the teaset. Sending you a hug in the dark hours of the night. Take care of yourself Cup, you are an amazing Mum.

twojumpingbeans Thu 22-Nov-12 15:15:56

Thinking of you too - my DD1 and I lit a candle for you all the other day..

trumpton where abouts are you, sounds like an adventure...

I'm having up and down days. Today I went to her grave and was terribly upset with myself- her flowers had all died and looked awful. I just hadn't felt like going there before now. Her grave doesn't hold much importance to me yet. I feel like she's still with me, I don't feel the need to go to a windy grave to talk to her, I talk to her in my head all the time and I carry her in my heart everywhere with me.

Nevertheless, I know other people won't understand that, so I went and took away the dead bouquets and replaced them with pretty little garden ornaments- shiny toad stools, a large wicker one with solar lights threaded into it, and a heart wreath made of brightly coloured metal bells hanging from her cross.

It looks pretty, but I still feel 'meh' about it. She's not there. She's in the breeze and the stars and my memories. She's not in the ground.

KateUnrulyBush Thu 22-Nov-12 21:43:39

You are so wonderful, Cup, I hope you know that. Every word you write is filled with love, honesty and truth. I doubt I will ever have your patience and selfless devotion but you inspire me to try harder.

I do so wish I could help you, I can't say how much. The ornaments sound lovely, very fitting for beautiful Bea.

xx

thewhistler Thu 22-Nov-12 22:48:32

Cup, what a lovely thing to do.

Remember, " love, like starlight, never dies."

She is wherever you are.

It is only the outer crust that is elsewhere, that she didn't need any more.

ExitPursuedByMarieAntoinette Thu 22-Nov-12 23:46:58

Bless you Cup.

MNP Fri 23-Nov-12 01:27:26

Sounds lovely Cup.

HollaAtMeBaby Fri 23-Nov-12 02:25:00

Thinking of you. Glad you have been signed off work, for what it's worth I thought you had gone back very, very soon after what you've been through. Be gentle with yourself. thanks

trumpton Fri 23-Nov-12 03:03:59

I am in London for a few days to see my brother and family. Yesterday I managed to find Postmans Park . It's an old churchyard in the City with a collection of tiled plaques commemorating brave acts. I sat for a while and thought of you and said a prayer.
There are many different types of bravery it's not always dashing into a burning building sometimes it's getting up in the morning to face another day.

You are so brave darling and should be proud of yourself . Night night

Bea is with you, nestled safely in your heart. Feel her love for you, it will always be there. X

JustFabulous Fri 23-Nov-12 07:55:50

Cup, please don't feel you need to do anything for anyone else. If people want to pass comment on Bea's grave then you just walk away. Whatever you want to do is the right thing and what you should do.

I don't post as much as I never know what to say but I think of you all often.

Her grave is the place where her body is laid to rest, no her. What made Beatrice who she was will always be with you.

Much love, as ever x.

Carrotcakeisace Fri 23-Nov-12 22:12:45

Of course Bea is with you all the time, I understand completely what you mean about the grave, you all love Bea and she loved all of you. She isn't in the ground she is in your heart and mind and in the hearts and minds of your dh and the girls. I am reminded of this poem now and whilst I'm sure you know it, I hope it will give you strength (I know it helps me)

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

Mary Elizabeth Frye

Bea will always be with you, love and prayers as always x

trumpton Sat 24-Nov-12 01:09:05

I can only agree with Carrot Bea will always with you x

A month today since you left us.
My heart aches with pain,
My eyes mist over when I remember
That I won’t see you here again.

Your beautiful eyes so full of trust,
Your heart so full of love.
I kissed your cheeks every day.
Can you see me cry from above?

Your curly hair, all soft and wild!
I smelled it every day
As I held you tight with tender hugs.
Why did you go away?

I would’ve given everything to keep you,
Surely God, You know I tried?
I only wanted a little longer
To have Beatrice by my side.

Now Christmas approaches,
And I’m facing it with dread.
Two of my children so excited,
My little baby, dead.

So if you see me smiling,
Please know it’s just pretend,
Because I’ll never, ‘Get over’ losing you,
I don’t expect this pain to end.

For God gave me the greatest gift
When he gave me gorgeous Bea,
I tried my best you keep you safe,
To keep you here with me.

But God must have other plans,
He couldn’t let you stay.
So fly high, little butterfly,
Until we meet one day.

Darling don’t forget us,
The lonely ones left on Earth.
Please watch over your sisters,
They’ve adored you since your birth.

I’m still your mum, my precious Beatrice,
I’m proud of all three daughters.
But you were extra special darling,
Just look at what you taught us:

Love, trust, hope and faith,
You taught these things anew.
I’m so proud to be your mum-
The one and only you.

Everlong Sat 24-Nov-12 09:50:57

Just beautiful cup.
sad

Crying here. You capture your love so beautifully.

janey68 Sat 24-Nov-12 10:02:47

Beatrice will always be your precious daughter, and what she has taught you lives on in your life and her daddy's and sisters'.
Not how you would have chosen things to be, but it's the truth.

KateUnrulyBush Sat 24-Nov-12 10:10:11

Oh goodness crying here reading your beautiful heartfelt poem.

God bless you and Beatrice xx

Oh Cup

Hugs to all of you.

bishboschone Sat 24-Nov-12 13:02:48

Beautiful words as ever cup , I think of you daily and check in to see how you are . I wish I could do something to take your pain away . Life is so so cruel sometimes . sad

Rowgtfc72 Sat 24-Nov-12 13:16:53

Beautiful cup x

((Cup))

Cup, I found this today. Thought it sums up perfectly how we feel...

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Kahlil Gibran

JustFabulous Sat 24-Nov-12 16:30:46

Oh.

Goodness me that is the most powerful thing I have ever read on here.

x

Everlong Sat 24-Nov-12 16:53:03

That's such a beautiful quote miasmummy thanks

DutchOma Sat 24-Nov-12 17:23:26

Oh Cup, I so hope that quote is a comfort to you. All the time I am praying that your grief will not overwhelm you, but that you will find some comfort.

Somersaults Sat 24-Nov-12 19:13:26

Beautiful words Cup. Your writing always moves me. Thinking of you often xxx

BetsyBlingtastic Sat 24-Nov-12 21:09:14

So much truth in your beautiful poem, cup my heart breaks for you x

fhdl34 Sat 24-Nov-12 22:51:48

So beautiful cup, you write so beautifully and honestly. Bea will always be with you xxx

pannetone Sat 24-Nov-12 23:41:21

Remembering Beatrice especially today - one month after you lost her. They played what I now think of as Beatrice's song ('Thank you for the days') when I was collecting an order in M and S today. It's a beautiful song (I didn't know it before) and that lovely montage of photos you made of Beatrice played through my head. And it seemed so right to be remembering Beatrice in the hustle and bustle of Christmas crowds and the frenetic searching for presents. Beatrice's life was such a gift to so many of us - and it reminds us of all the true gifts that you can't buy; courage, determination, patience, strength and, most of all, love.

Your poem is beautiful Cup. x

trumpton Sun 25-Nov-12 02:48:52

Wonderful words Cup . Your love shines through. Fly on through the sun lit meadows little butterfly .

saffronwblue Sun 25-Nov-12 03:58:15

Thinking of you cup and the precious love between you and Beatrice.

MNP Mon 26-Nov-12 00:31:42

So beautiful Cup.

fluffypillow Mon 26-Nov-12 19:42:43

Just perfect. Beautiful words for your beautiful girl x

QOD Mon 26-Nov-12 19:50:16

sad

Squiglettsmummy2bx Mon 26-Nov-12 21:31:56

Perfect words which brought a tear to my eye. I think of your family often Cup x

IwishIwasmoreorganised Mon 26-Nov-12 21:36:31

Your writing moves me to tears Cup.

Your vast love for Bea is clear for all to see. That will never die, neither will what she and you have taught us all.

moajab Mon 26-Nov-12 23:37:29

A beautiful poem Cup for your beautiful little girl. I haven't posted for a while, but I still often think of Bea. I don't think MN will ever forget her - she touched so many of our hearts.

OrangeChicken Tue 27-Nov-12 01:27:33

Such beautiful words and as always, moving me to tears...

I thought of you all throughout the day on Saturday... a month since your dear little Bea fluttered up and away ...

Sending hugs ...

trumpton Tue 27-Nov-12 04:43:51

I am back from my few days away and wanted you know that I have been thinking about you. X

Four4me Tue 27-Nov-12 21:14:43

Thinking of you xxxx

Today I had to take dd1 to the hospital for an appointment with her ENT consultant. It was the first time back there since Beatrice died. I saw 2 of the play specialists as I drove by, then during dd1's consultation, a doctor poked his head round the corner. He looked at me for a second too long, then retreated. It was the doctor who certified that Beatrice had died. Of all the doctors in a large hospital...

I hated being there without Beatrice. My arms ache for her. I physically yearn to hold her. I keep looking at her photos- I can't believe her beauty. I can't believe she's gone. I hate that I couldn't save her. I held her as she died in my arms and a mum isn't supposed to do that. A mum is meant to make it all better. She trusted me and I let her die.

I'm so sorry Beatrice. I'm so sorry I couldn't make you stay. And I'm even more sorry I couldn't go with you. We did everything together and now you're voyaging alone. I hope you aren't as lonely as I am. I miss you so much. So, so much.

KateUnrulyBush Wed 28-Nov-12 01:13:39

A trip back to hospital must have been, and obviously was, very hard on you Cup. I know everything you're feeling is a normal part of grieving but please try to be kind to yourself and remember that you really did do absolutely everything you could possibly have done for Bea. And then the rest. You really did, Cup. She could not have asked for a better mum.

We've all said this before because it's true but I really do believe she came to you for a reason and that is that no-one could have either loved her more or seen to it that every single moment of her life was filled with love.

Try and remember that.

With love xx

trumpton Wed 28-Nov-12 02:50:44

That must have been so hard for you and you are so brave to have taken your daughter to her appointment . Just one more way that you show us what a wonderful mother you are . Nobody loved Bea more than you and nobody can make a poor tired body go on no matter how strong the love . She is not voyaging alone, you know, she is still surrounded and cocooned in her family's love .

Cup, like you, I was so worried and sad that Mia was alone, not in my arms where she should be. However, my father gave me an image which I still cling to, about heaven, or at least another place, and maybe it will help you too. He suggested that parallel universes do exist, and perhaps Mia is with MrMia and I in another parallel universe, being busy and happy. I would like to think that Bea is with you and the Teaset there too, being the stupendous, amazing little person she is.

Since then, I have had a dream where Mia was in a house with lots of children I didn't recognise, and while I was told I couldn't interfere with their playing, it was wonderful to see. It was incredibly consoling to see her. I do believe that perhaps I caught a glimpse of this parallel universe, as they were all so happy together.

I know this won't take away your daily pain as you miss Beatrice, but perhaps it might provide a little comfort in some way.

thewhistler Wed 28-Nov-12 07:42:00

Cup,

Your poem expresses your love and heartache, and this searing post as well.

Of course you want her and to be with her, and will always want that. But you were the best mother for her, noone could have done more or loved her more. As much as you loved her, and love her, so the grief is deep.

Would the thought of Mary at the foot of the Cross help? You and she are together there, with every mother who has lost their child.

You did the best you could and there was no more that anyone on earth could do.

I will try to slope out at lunch and light a candle for you. If I don't manage I will light a candle in my mind.

fraktion Wed 28-Nov-12 09:04:23

cup you are so brave and that poem so beautiful. I pray that you may find some peace, although the pain and the grief will never go away, just like Bea will never go away.

EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin Wed 28-Nov-12 10:31:00

sad I think as a mother you cannot believe that you are not able to save your child. It isn't natural to us. We would quite literally do anything to save their life. And the fact we couldn't is beyond us.

But you did everything humanly possible that you could. You know that.
We know that. And Beatrice knows that.

As another lovely mum has said Beatrice is tucked safely in your heart. Always.

JustFabulous Wed 28-Nov-12 18:25:28

You didn't let her die. You did everything you could for her and she knew how much you loved her.

CaroleService Wed 28-Nov-12 19:03:30

Nobody but you could have kept her alive so long.

TCOB Wed 28-Nov-12 21:27:37

You gave her life, cup - two times over. You brought this magnificent person into the world, then you gave her a life nobody believed she could have - because you love her so.

And she is not alone, because your love is too strong and too powerful to disppear, and hers too. You are mother and daughter forever.

moajab Wed 28-Nov-12 23:02:41

You didn't let Bea die. You let her live. When she was born the doctors told you there was no hope. How often did you feel they were just waiting for her to die? But you didn't settle for that. You made sure that Bea had a life full of love, new experiences and sparkly lights! None of us know how long we're going to be here. All we can do is make sure the time we have is as rich as possible. You did that for Bea. I know I can't begin to comprehend the pain you are feeling, but please be proud of the life you gave to Bea. xxx

pannetone Wed 28-Nov-12 23:03:17

Just wanted to say Cup that you let Beatrice live and in time I hope you will find comfort and truth in that.

Still praying x

MNP Thu 29-Nov-12 14:54:50

Oh Cup, I am very sure lots of people join you in missing Bea's smile and large presence. Take care of yourself and your DD's.

Carrotcakeisace Thu 29-Nov-12 19:13:53

Oh Cup, you did not fail Bea, you gave her the most amazing life, packed full of love and experience. I remember your first posts when it seemed she would never even leave hospital. Moajab is right you gave her the most amazing life. If I could take away your pain I would and I'm so sorry I can't. I can only tell you what you feel is a natural part of grieving and I know it sucks. I hope this might help a little

"The caterpillar dies so the butterfly could be born. And, yet, the caterpillar lives in the butterfly and they are but one. So, when I die, it will be that I have been transformed from the caterpillar of earth to the butterfly of the universe."- John Harricharan

Cup, you did not let her die, you willed her so much not to.
Of course no mother should ever have to hold her beloved child's body, but even when she had to go, you were right there with her.
The trip to the hospital must have been harrowing for you. How did your DD1 cope?
The physical ache of empty arms is the body's way of recognising what you have lost, just as your emotions are in turmoil due to your love for Beatrice having no target in this life anymore.

As ever, you are in my thoughts.
The fact that you are putting on foot in front of the other, being there for your family, writing so beautifully on here, is testament to your strength.

WilsonFrickett Fri 30-Nov-12 00:22:47

As a long-time Teaset lurker who worries about getting the words wrong: you fought for that baby. You fought for her, every second of every day. You fought for her every breath. You fought for her life. Please don't ever think you 'let' her die - you let her live.

Squiglettsmummy2bx Fri 30-Nov-12 14:16:56

Cup I lurk often & think of you & Bea a lot. As everyone has said you did not let her die. Look back at your very first post when Bea was born, you never thought you would bring her home yet not only did you do that you created a million amazing memories with her, you made that beautiful smile happen, you helped her live as long as she did, you did an amazing job as her mummy. Your love shines through in every post so please don't blame yourself you let her live x
Love & hugs xxx

mignonette Fri 30-Nov-12 14:26:32

Cup

My car is out of action and I took a taxi today. The driver got talking to me and told me about his son (Lee) who would now be 18 years old if he had lived. I asked him if his son had grown up in his mind and he said yes, Lee had and he derived some comfort from that. Lee was 8 months when he died.

There is an 'army' of parents out there holding their loss close to them. If you can, tell strangers about beautiful Beatrice. Most people will want to hear about her and that way, she continues to be part of not only your life, but the lives of others too. Beatrice may not be physically with you but she is part of this Earth's rich narrative, its story and always will be.......

thewhistler Fri 30-Nov-12 16:30:06

Cup, also to say that this is a normal part of grieving, you did the best you could, she had a wonderful life with you, the best she could, but if course you will ask yourself if you or others could have done more. You couldn't have done so, but your reaction is that of every mother and every bereaved person.

I've added some of her last photos, and a couple of her garden.

I don't know why I am bothering to get in the Christmas mood- it's too futile this year. I just can't believe she's gone. I keep thinking I will see her again, it's driving me crazy. I just look at the lights and the happy families- we used to be one of those. For 13 months we were a happy family. Not anymore. I stood in the shopping centre on Friday where my dd1 was singing with hr school choir. I looked at all the lights and giants butterflies on display and cried. Right there in the middle of the shopping centre. I managed to dab my tears away and I don't think anyone saw. It's so unfair, why should all the other babies and toddlers enjoy Christmas when Beatrice can't?

JustFabulous Sun 02-Dec-12 17:40:37

sad

I just don't know what to say. No words can ever make things okay.

trumpton Sun 02-Dec-12 18:06:30

Oh Sweetheart she looks lovely in that last photo you posted. Her bunches are so sweet.
Tears will never be far away for you especially at times when the rest of the world seems happy.
I know that we can say nothing to comfort you but please know that we are thinking of you. I was looking at my sparkly butterflies today that I had next to Beatrice's candle on the day of her funeral and I sent a little prayer to her.
She will always be part of your family, your third little girl. X

Beautiful, beautiful Beatrice.

It IS so unfair sad.
I know how hard this time of year especially must be for you, cup.
I hope you can find some peace somewhere along the festive season.
I do not have faith, but like the serene and calm side of Christmas - the candles and choirs singing carols and the slowing down of everything (I go out of my way to avoid insane Christmas preparations) during the actual holidays and the getting together of families.
Your family will have a dreadful void in it, but hopefully you can give each other comfort.

thewhistler Sun 02-Dec-12 18:16:47

Oh cup, I do feel for you. It is so hard, especially at this time of year, for those left behind.

It's not going to get easier in the short term either.

Have DH and you thought about bereavement counselling?

Hulababy Sun 02-Dec-12 18:19:46

A beautiful little girl.
I am sorry she couldn't stay with you longer. It's so unfair. I'm so sorry.

expatinscotland Sun 02-Dec-12 18:20:59

Aw, cup. Am not bothering with Christmas this year. Going to my sister's and letting her take over for DD2 and DS and just not even thinking about how that we will never, ever see Aillidh again (I don't have faith or religion, either).

Mintyy Sun 02-Dec-12 18:25:22

Heartbreaking for you Cup and Expat and all other bereaved parents. Am so very sorry that you have to go through so much pain.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen Sun 02-Dec-12 19:10:51

lOve to both Beatrice and Aillidh

SaintVera Sun 02-Dec-12 19:15:51

Cup, I can't offer any words of comfort as I know how dreadful this is. I lost my disabled son in July. Christmas is an endurance test.

All I can say is, you have every right to cry. I too cry all over the place. I have found churches places of comfort - I find ones that are open in the day, go in on my way to the shops, light a candle and sob. Then I leave and carry on shopping. I am an atheist but God bless the CofE for giving me shelter in my agony xxx

thewhistler Tue 04-Dec-12 09:35:56

Cup,

Not sure if this would help, but today's Times carries an article about the charity Cruse, who provide bereavement counsellors in RL. There was a touching article by someone who said that her counsellor got her through by bring there when she wanted to talk and reassuring her about the normality of her grief and helping .

I don't know if that would help you or DH but it might be worth contacting them.

I agree about churches. They are great places to cry, about the only ones except for libraries.

MorningPurples Thu 06-Dec-12 08:24:53

That is a lovely photo of Beatrice with her little bunches - beautiful. I wish she could still be there with you.

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Thu 06-Dec-12 14:01:11

Christmas is really hard when you'd rather just climb under the duvet and ignore the world sad

You are doing well to get through each day and to be there for the Big Girls.

Lots of love and strength.

CotherMuckingDude Thu 06-Dec-12 21:17:49

I think of you everyday and I'm praying for.... I don't know really. Strength to get through each day normally. But I also ask God to give you peace in your heart. I really hope you get that.

Trumpton Thu 06-Dec-12 22:31:20

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below,
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting in the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
for it is beyond description, to hear the Angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain within your heart,
But I am not so far away. We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me dear ones. You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I send you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above,
I send you each a memory of my undying love,
After all "LOVE" is the gift, more precious than pure gold,
It was the most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my father said to do,
For I can't count the blessing or love He has for each of you,
So have a peaceful Christmas and wipe away that tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

Anon

Daer Cup,
I hope you dont mind me posting this but it resonated within me. Peace to you and yours.

Only ever a heartbeat away....

thewhistler Sat 08-Dec-12 23:54:16

Cup, thinking of you in this dark time when the lights will seem so hurtful.

cafecito Sun 09-Dec-12 01:37:51

cupoftea I've taken a lengthy MN break (a few years) but I have read your and Beatrice's story. I am absolutely moved by how eloquently you write about her and what happened. Your love for her is so powerful, she was so loved.

I'm really posting because it struck a chord with me, after spending months and months HDU/ward/PICUing with my DD she died when she was only a bit older than Beatrice, she was 14 months old. That was nearly 4 years ago.

Some days I don't know how I've survived. Others I know how I survive, by not even registering it as reality. I am usually fine but found DDs PICU book and lock of hair the other day in a white envelope, didn't know what it was, opened it up and it hit me all over again, a tidal wave of agony and disbelief.

Keep posting, keep writing, keep talking. PM anytime. I don't yet know where you are geographically but if near London I'm happy to meet you (don't mean to patronise, but it can be so isolating).

Thoughts are with you. Something that helped me, though it sounds silly, was this:

eternal presence, glancing light, does not depend on touch or sight

EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin Mon 10-Dec-12 19:01:31

Dear cup just thinking about and Beatrice and sending hugs.

zebrafinch Tue 11-Dec-12 03:30:53

Thinking about all the Teaset

JustFabulous Tue 11-Dec-12 09:33:40

I have been thinking about you, cup and the rest of your family.

Thank you for thinking of us, and thank you for the poem and best wishes.

Nothing changes. Life is very normal and dull without her. No living on a knife edge, no racing here, there and everywhere for appointments. No corners to fight, no meds to give, no feeds to prepare, no nappies to change, no outfits to choose,no oxygen to administer, no sats to monitor, no walks to take, no physio, no swimming, no conductive education, no hospice, no music therapy, no nurse visits. But above all, no warmth in my arms, no smiles, no kisses to give, no songs to sing, no gentle squeezes and stories to read. No snuggles with blankets, no music and lights.

Nothing. That's it now for me.

Things go on around me, I participate when I can. I think I say the right things and go to the right places at the right times. I keep the house clean, the fridge stocked, food on the table, clothes clean, children tidy, homework done, teeth brushed, hair styled, Christmas presents bought, nativities attended, after school commitments mostly kept. I've even been socialising on a regular basis.

But I'm not living anymore. I drag my feet and exist. I smile and laugh, but I don't feel.

God, I miss her. So, so much.

JustFabulous Tue 11-Dec-12 16:14:12

Your pain is tangible and I just wish there was something that someone could do to ease it a little.

You loved Bea so much and had so many people who never met her thinking of her. You still love Bea. We still think of her.

TCOB Tue 11-Dec-12 21:27:38

I am just so sorry. I can't express how much. It's wrong and unfair that she isn't here, and I know all the words in the world can't give you back what you want and deserve so much - more snuggles with your lovely, lovely girl.

InExitCelsisDeo Tue 11-Dec-12 22:38:40

For Bea, Cup. You have to do it for Bea. You have to live the life she didn't. Please.

eightytwenty Tue 11-Dec-12 22:43:58

Cup. Thinking of you often. Hoping you can let joy for life is able to re-enter your world. Even if the pain of losing her does not fade. I think it is eventually possible to live with joy and pain running in tandem.

I was thinking of you too tonight Cup.

isawginhagnickingsantasbooze Tue 11-Dec-12 23:02:39

Cup, I don't think I have posted on your threads before and I don't have anything to say that could possibly make you feel better.

I'm so, so sorry that you lost your beautiful Bea. Your love for her shines out in every word.

I have never had such an urge to put my arms around a complete stranger. For what it is worth I'm sending you love xx

cup yes, the nothingness is so hard to deal with. But you are showing the strength of spirit we all know you have by simply existing, let alone socialising and ensure your girls have a lovely Christmas. That is really quite momentous. A year ago, I could not have done it. MrMia and I ran away from Christmas. You are facing it head on. Because of your huge capacity for love for your children.

I promise that as each day passes, things will become a little easier. The pain of losing Beatrice does not disappear, but you somehow integrate it better. I was scared I would forget Mia. You don't. All the memories are there, and you will find them in unexpected moments, and they will make you smile.

One step at a time, one breath at a time...

Trumpton Wed 12-Dec-12 08:19:02

Oh Cup . I feel so much pain for you . I went to a Christingle service on Sunday and as I watched the rapt faces of the children illuminated in the candlelight I sent a prayer for Bea and love to you .
Be gentle with yourself and one foot in front of the other ... Little steps my lovely .

Learning70 Wed 12-Dec-12 13:20:24

Hi Cup. My story is completely different to yours. My dad died last week so of course we are facing a funeral before Xmas, and other issues ongoing with my son who is SN (but not ill). You have been through so much and I am not comparing my situation to yours, but this is what I am doing to survive right now - the bare minimum. I know I am not myself but like you, I am keeping on top of the basics. I have a few unpleasant meetings and appointments to get through as well as the funeral and that's pretty much all I am focussing on. Of course kids presents are bought, tree is up and I am going to tiptoe my way through the whole thing. I think it's perfectly ok to feel the way you do. Keep talking on here to everyone, even the bad stuff, let it out. And don't disappear over Xmas, keep talking it through, I'm sure lots of people will continue to look out for your posts through the season - and will you through it. You will get through this, it will always hurt but you will get through. It's a gorgeous day today, the best kind of day, frosty and sunny. I would normally be out there for a walk or a run, but I can't do it at the moment, all I can feel is the cold. But I know I will get out there again. You will too. If I've said all the wrong things I'm sorry, just want to try and help you through it.

Cup, you have had hardly any time to "deal" with a year's worth of ups and downs, it's amazing that you are doing as well as you are. Surviving is all you can do right now and that's what you are doing. I can not imagine the pain you feel, but know that you are doing your very best - please don't do yourself down and think you are failing, you're not.

saffronwblue Wed 12-Dec-12 21:17:50

Thinking of you cup. There is nothing wrong with just going through the motions to survive. The loss of Bea has been so huge, there aren't enough words or tears.

Hassled Wed 12-Dec-12 21:22:18

My heart breaks for you - I'm just so sorry.

fluffypillow Wed 12-Dec-12 21:27:31

So,so sorry you are going through this cup. No words I can offer will make you feel better, but just want you to know I think of you and little Bea often x

Carrotcakeisace Thu 13-Dec-12 11:28:39

Cup I have nothing to add, other than to say you are in my thoughts and prayers. No one can take away your pain, althought we all wish we could but you are held in so much love and light and I hope you feel it around you as a comfort in the dark

SaintVera Thu 13-Dec-12 15:19:36

cup I am so sorry for your emptiness. Life with my disabled son who died in July, was always adrenalin-fuelled. His behaviour was challenging, so every outing came with anxieties. Then there were appointments, visits from OT's, social workers, physios, all the committees I sat on for my son and so much more..for 16 years.

I always knew that despite all the immense stress of life with him, he kept depression from my door because I was too busy to be down.

We don't only miss a child with all our hearts and soul, we miss a meaning and a role in life. Sometimes I longed to be a 'normal' family but I hate it now. I sincerely hope life starts bringing us joy eventually xx

thewhistler Thu 13-Dec-12 23:34:14

Cup,

Well done for keeping going at all. Your dds will unknowingly appreciate it. The discipline of keeping up outside appearances is very useful.

But use this thread to rant and storm and weep at the unfairness and hollowness of it all and the blanks.

Do try to look after yourself too and find some time for you, unless that is unbearable and business is the thing that keeps you going.

How is Mr Cup? Is he using work still as his shield?

You are in my thoughts and prayers too.

TCOB Sun 16-Dec-12 20:02:25

Thinking of you and Bea so often, Cup. How are you and your Teaset?

Trumpton Mon 17-Dec-12 04:50:17

Middle of the night post again . Sending you love and strength through the dark miles x

MNPdoesYULETIDE Tue 18-Dec-12 14:15:43

Thinking of you Cup

Another Butterfly joined your Bea nearly a month ago, we get to say our farewells to her this week, her DD will have lots of people to tell her stories of her Butterfly Mummy, as you have stories of your Butterfly Bea to tell.

bishboschone Thu 20-Dec-12 09:38:30

Another one thinking about you cup .

JustFabulous Thu 20-Dec-12 13:27:36

DD has stuck several butterflies on her drawers and every time I see them I think of Beatrice and your whole family, Cup.

Feel so sad and lonely. Dh is back to working all hours so I've got no support at home. I tried to meet up with a couple of people today but they were too busy, so I've had no adult company all day, just bickering children who can't do a single thing they are asked.

I hate Christmas this year. I've had to do all the bloody present buying and wrapping myself (nothing unusual, but a bit of support from dh wouldn't have gone amiss this year).

I'm pig sick of reading FB statuses about people's excitement for their babies' Christmas presents etc The only present I could buy my baby was a decoration to put on her grave.

I want to run far, far away and never come back. I hate what is left of my life.

JustFabulous Fri 21-Dec-12 16:27:54

[[[hugs]]] pointless I know but I have no idea what to post as nothing can make you feel better.

I could say how I feel when I read your posts but that doesn't help but maybe actually it does to know total strangers are thinking of you and are so so heartbroken for you.

If you can't tell dh you need help, could you text him? Let him know how you feel and what you need from him.

The children are excited but still need to do as you say and however you need to make that happen, do it.

Sorry if this is just a load of annoying rubbish.

DutchOmainthestable Fri 21-Dec-12 16:30:35

When will the children be in bed?

thewhistler Fri 21-Dec-12 16:31:26

Cup, am about to pm you.

Will think of you over what is often the most heart rending season for many people.

InExitCelsisDeo Fri 21-Dec-12 18:38:11

Thinking of you Cup. My heart aches for you and your loss.

Badvocsanta Fri 21-Dec-12 18:44:15

Oh cup sad
I haven't posted for a while but you are constantly on my mind, especially now as Xmas approaches.
Please please be kind to yourself x

beckyboo232 Fri 21-Dec-12 18:46:31

My heart breaks for you cup. I want to write something useful but. There are no words to help i sadly know but if there were I would say them. sending love and strength i will be thinking of you x

janey68 Fri 21-Dec-12 19:51:31

Cupoftea, I am so so sorry you are having to live without Beatrice. Your life does have meaning: for your other two children, your husband and also for yourself. It's not the life you would have chosen but it still has meaning even if you can't feel it now.
I hope the dark cloud lifts and you feel some glimpses of sunlight soon

saffronwblue Fri 21-Dec-12 19:56:20

Thinking of you cup.x

Trumpton Fri 21-Dec-12 21:35:26

Oh sweetheart this is so hard for you. Sending you loving thoughts. When I wake during the night I will think of you.

thewhistler Sat 22-Dec-12 20:02:38

Cup, thinking of you. You nay not have meaning for yourself atm but as others have said, you do for others.

Hang on in there.

You have to work from outside in, making the discipline of your duty to others hold you up and provide s structure, while your mind and to some extent your body come to terms with it. You are obviously doing it magnificently at the moment that your DH doesn't see the need to be with you.

It is awful and is so hard. But chunk it up into little bits and it will become just a t
Little more copable with.

Thinking if you.

Lovethesea Sat 22-Dec-12 22:18:34

Praying because I have no idea what you need right now. But praying you get it in ocean loads.

CotherMuckingFunt Sun 23-Dec-12 18:36:33

Thinking of you. X

Squiglettsmummy2bx Sun 23-Dec-12 21:14:05

Cup I think of you & how you are doing every single day. Sending you hugs x

dublinmary Sun 23-Dec-12 22:52:16

God bless you Cup. We have no words that can help you but think of you often. Please take care of yourself and get though each hour as best you can.

Carrotcakeisace Mon 24-Dec-12 20:22:36

Sending you prayer, love and hugs. I will be thinking of you over the next few days x

OrangeChicken Mon 24-Dec-12 23:26:40

I know it has been 2 months today ... thinking of you all and hoping you get through Christmas as best you can.

moajab Tue 25-Dec-12 00:09:46

I often think of you and your family Cup and I will especially be thinking of you this Christmas. And I often think of Bea in all the sparkly lights. I can only begin to imagine how hard it is for you. Take care. xxx

sassytheFIRST Tue 25-Dec-12 00:22:22

Thinking of all the teaset and especially you, cup x

thewhistler Tue 25-Dec-12 09:46:54

Cup,

Thinking of you through today. I hope the Dds have a good Christmas and that there are smiles as well as tears.

Squiglettsmummy2bx Tue 25-Dec-12 09:47:52

Thinking of you all xxx

MovingOnNow Tue 25-Dec-12 15:19:39

Hope you get through today. X

lougle Tue 25-Dec-12 17:06:44

Merry Christmas Bea, and all the tea set x

CaroleService Tue 25-Dec-12 19:09:31

Thinking of you, Cup.

saffronwblue Tue 25-Dec-12 21:02:05

Cup you and your teaset have been in my thoughts today. X

saffronwblue Tue 25-Dec-12 21:02:06

Cup you and your teaset have been in my thoughts today. X

pannetone Tue 25-Dec-12 22:41:39

Thinking of you all today. I lit a candle for Beatrice at church. A little light to mark all the love and light she brought into so many lives. x

Trumpton Wed 26-Dec-12 06:53:53

I lit a candle yesterday and Bea's butterfly is on our tree. Look after yourself , cherish yourself and love yourself . You are an amazing mother .

Well we made it through Christmas, but it was so very empty. I'm dreading NY and having to go into a new year without her.

My dh went back to working shifts today, so that's it now, I'm on my own every evening. I'm not very good on my own, my mind wanders.

I thought tonight, I don't actually care if I live or die. It looks like my brother's cancer might be back- his last test results weren't good. He has his scan tomorrow, and I told him I wish I could take it from him, then at least he would live a long life and I might get to be with Beatrice again. How crazy is that? I'm not normal anymore. I'm morbid and cynical. And lonely. So, so lonely.

Please don't tell me to be grateful for my other children, or tell me that they need me. I look at them and all I see is the absence of Beatrice. They don't need me anymore, I bring nothing to their lives, they are always cross with me. They are lovely girls who deserve so much more than the train wreck that is me.

lougle Thu 27-Dec-12 23:45:03

cupoftea, who would dare tell you how to feel? I'm sorry that you feel as you do, but it's little wonder, because Bea was such a powerful girl in such a little body. The days will improve, gradually. You might not notice it, but one day you'll look back and see that it isn't as awful as it once was. Until then, keep telling everyone how awful it is - you don't have to pretend.

Northernlebkuchen Fri 28-Dec-12 00:23:19

You aren't a train wreck. You're grieving that's all. It's an all consuming terrible, terrible thing.

Strongecoffeeismydrug Fri 28-Dec-12 00:48:11

Thinking of you cup xx

eightytwenty Fri 28-Dec-12 09:00:25

Sorry cup. Have been thinking of you all over Xmas.

Have you got any rl support - eg cruse? It won't change anything but I still feel 10 years on that my mother would have benefitted from having a professional to talk to. Grief brought up ugly emotions in us both - which I am sure is entirely normal. But having someone to find the time to listen (without 'look on the bright side' comments) might be useful.

I am so sorry about your db too. Life can be crap

matildawormwood Fri 28-Dec-12 09:15:00

Dear Cup, I know that lonely feeling so well, it's the most unexpected thing about this horrible road that we're on, just how awfully lonely it is. I just want you to know that, sadly, the way you feel IS normal if you've lost a beloved child. Every word you write - not caring if you live or die, feeling disconnected from your living children, feeling morbid and cynical, and even the fact that your children seem angry with you because they know you are not the mum they once had, I am living every bit of that myself right now and though I can't take away any of the pain, I just want to say that you are not abnormal and I do understand. I wish I didn't but I do. xxx

janey68 Fri 28-Dec-12 09:37:24

Cupoftea-there are no words to take your pain away. But there are other mums on here who (tragically) do know how you feel and that your feelings are not 'abnormal' or 'wrong', they are feelings of real grief.

On a purely practical level, are there things Anyone can do to help you with the upcoming evenings when you know you're going to feel particularly alone? Anything to adapt your evening routine which may ease your feelings a bit? Nothing is going to take away the feelings but I'm sure there are many people in RL who would support you in any little way which might help.

Thinking of you all.

Thanks for the messages. I feel guilty because I do have lots of RL support from friends- I just need to make the call and I know they will be there. I just struggle especially at night time. That's when I feel so low and alone. Everything hurts more at night.

Matilda I'm sorry you know how I am feeling, but I am so thankful that you have suggested I'm not going as crazy as I think I am...

I'm going to try for a good day today. I'm taking dd2 out shopping for a while and for lunch. I HATE going to the shopping centre without Beatrice because my hands feel empty without pushing a buggy (I've pushed a buggy for one child or another for the last 7 years, now all of a sudden...). I also hate seeing all the mums and their babies and the pregnant ladies- I'm so jealous, I want MY baby girl who was so special and beautiful and worthy of love and life. Why can they keep their precious babies but mine was snatched away? I also hate going into Next, for example, and seeing the 3 months- 5 years section. I've always had a child to buy clothes for from that section of the shop. I used to enjoy picking bits out for Beatrice. Now I see that section as a taunt, laughing at me- 'Ha! You don't belong here, no-one to buy for, move along now.'

But, I have things I need to do, and I know that dd2 will enjoy a mooch about with me. She is currently trying to choose an outfit for me so I look pretty. Hmm, it's been a long time since I felt pretty! Anyway, the day is waiting for me, I'd better go and kick its butt.

DutchOmainthestable Fri 28-Dec-12 11:19:06

Well done, Cup for doing what you do with dd2. I know what you mean with there being a lot of RL support, but you can't bring yourself to access it. Shall I ring you tonight around 9? Or would you prefer tomorrow? Or not, as you prefer. I'm here, but don't have to be 'in your face'.

thewhistler Fri 28-Dec-12 14:02:57

Cup, well done.

Grief is awful and this must be the worst, so sorry for you and Matilda.

You are sane. If you were on a high you would not be. If you were on a plain it would be even more concerning.

Children always get angry when their parents are fallible and there are curve beyond their control. It's a natural outlet.

Wish I could say something comforting, but just to say that I too think professional bereavement support has a lit going for it , when the time is right.

thekitchenfairy Fri 28-Dec-12 14:21:08

There are no words to take the pain away, no touch to replace the feel of Bea in your arms. I wish I could say something eloquent or constructive, but I just want you to know your posts always touch me to the core, you are an awesome woman, an inspiration to us all and you need to vent when you can. I am thinking of you today.

Thank you Dutch but I have an old friend coming over this evening to keep me company. You are very kind to think of me though. smile

Well I'm really glad I took dd2 shopping today. In all the upset and worry that Beatrice wouldn't see the beautiful decorations and lights, I hadn't really considered that the other girls would enjoy them too... blush She had a ride on the carousel and loved all the decorations. She marvelled at the big butterflies and commented that Beatrice would love them.

I've got to keep giving the girls experiences, rather than shying away from them because Beatrice can't share them too. It's not easy, but today gave me a lift.

janey68 Fri 28-Dec-12 19:01:21

So glad you had a better day x

RollingThunder Fri 28-Dec-12 19:25:22

Cup, I am in very different circumstances than you and wouldn't even start to compare. I just wanted to say that you have made me look at my own situation differently and I am very grateful.

It sounds like your dds 1and 2 see reminders of Bea in everything they do and everywhere they go, her footprint on the world is strong and will live through her sisters as well as you and her father.

DutchOmainthestable Fri 28-Dec-12 20:14:41

Glad you have some company, Cup. What do you mean:"kind to thik of me" I think of you all the time as very many others too. I've still got your teapot! grin

InExitCelsisDeo Fri 28-Dec-12 20:42:56

So pleased you had a more positive experience than you anticipated.

Hugs

MovingOnNow Fri 28-Dec-12 22:31:38

So happy you had a good day with your daughter. It's no comparison, but I lost my dad nearly 4 weeks ago and I think I was going through the motions a bit. Your post has reminded me that my oldest son hasn't been to see the lights either, I am going to get hub to take him this weekend :-). Good days and bad days. One day will be more good than bad.

minesapackofminstrels Sat 29-Dec-12 18:28:45

Glad you and dd2 enjoyed your day out. You aren't a train wreck although I understand you may feel different . I'm constantly amazed and inspired by your posts. Your post at 10.29 was just one example of how amazing you are. Taking dd2 out shopping, even though you HATE, HATE, HATE it and how awful it makes you feel but doing it all the same because you knew (rightly I might add) she would enjoy it.

I hope you find more of the days begin to be not quite as awful. xxx

thewhistler Sun 30-Dec-12 22:45:15

Well done, and I hope there are little bits of light for you sometimes, even if they seem a long way off.

It seems odd to say Happy New Year, and I can't see how you could feel happy atm but I do wish you a good year ahead, with the teaset, some how.

Trumpton Mon 31-Dec-12 03:27:23

Thinking of you through the night and holding you close in my thoughts . Sometimes pretending to enjoy things for another person opens a tiny space to let the real emotion of pleasure to glimmer .
Wishing you a calm and peaceful new year .

cup I'm sure you don't need to hear another sorry or condolence on top of the many before me but I wanted to add a message to you. I have lurked and posted during your journey with Bea and you are quite possibly the single most awe inspiring person I have ever had the opportunity to come across.

We made our own Christmas tree fairy this year...she has big sparkling blue butterfly wings and lots of white feathers...I thought of your Beatrice whilst DD and I put her together... We added stars this year and I put 9 on for my lost babies (MCs) and a few extra for Bea, Mia, Aillidh and all of the other babies and children lost by so many sad I can not empathise with how it feels to lose a child as it was hopes, dreams and thoughts that I grieve for but I know how I feel if I ever have a fleeting though of if I were to ever lose my DD and I can't even hold that thought for more than a second as it is unbearable sad

saffronwblue Tue 01-Jan-13 05:34:29

Glad you had a better day cup. You must know that no-one could judge you for how you feel and what you need to do to carry the enormous pain of your loss.

pannetone Tue 01-Jan-13 22:32:51

Thinking of you today Cup. At church I lit a candle for Beatrice and one for all of the Teaset. x

KateUnrulyBush Thu 03-Jan-13 21:35:49

Still here, Cup, I haven't posted for a while I'm sorry, not because I don't care anymore though, I just needed to keep away from this topic for my own reasons. Wanted you to know you are in my thoughts though, as we face what 2013 has in store for us.

x Kate

thewhistler Sun 06-Jan-13 19:52:45

Cup, thinking of you from the subcontinent.

Thinking of you and remembering your Bea

foofooyeah Mon 07-Jan-13 11:53:10

Cup, The new year is such a difficult time. The first year where you havent had Bea, the expectation of new things, the expectation that things will 'move on' and all you want to do is howl at the moon and be sad.

I hope that as the year progresses things become a little more bearable - but there will be terrible days and a few better days. Its just so bloody wrong that she isn't with you anymore, and the pain you feel must be so harsh and debilitating.

Thinking of you dear Cup.

Beatrice and her time with me is beginning to feel like a dream. She was with me so briefly, turned my life on its head, then left just as suddenly. I can't fathom how it was real?

I've got to go and see Dr Death on Wednesday for an appointment to discuss 'things'. I've no idea what I'm going to say.

I haven't been to her grave in so long. I have nothing to say to her there, I talk to her all the time in my head, I just don't think I can go there and do it. I know I need to choose her headstone soon, but I feel so disconnected from it all.

I wish she was still here. Somedays the pain is the only thing that reminds me she was real. What would she be doing now? How much would I smile as I gave her long, precious cuddles?

I go back to work, again, on Thursday. And then that's it I guess. Life is back to normal, Beatrice never existed, my dull life trundles along with no future, no joy. I'm so empty without her now but it's old news to everyone else.