'What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.' Our journey after Beatrice

(824 Posts)

Beatrice died on 24th October aged 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day. She was buried on 2nd November. As she starts her new life as a butterfly, we are left on the ground feeling bewildered and bereft. I read a short piece at her funeral, and I stand by it:

'I often felt that being Beatrice's mum was much like holding a butterfly. I was in awe of her beauty and felt so privileged that she had chosen to come to me. But, much like a butterfly, I knew that one day she would spread her wings and fly away.

When Beatrice was one day old, a kind stranger shared this poem with me, and it sums up how I feel about Beatrice:

"A butterfly lights besides us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belongs to the world.
But then it flies once again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it."

I feel so lucky to have been chosen as Beatrice's mum and I truly believe that the immense grief we must now suffer is still a small price to play for the love she brought into our lives.

Goodnight Beatrice'

I still feel her love in my heart, but I am struggling without her in my arms. I miss caring for her and kissing her. Looking at her and stroking her hair. Singing to her, always singing so many songs. I haven't sung a song since she died, but I don't want the music to leave my life as it means I have let the grief win.

Fly high little butterfly, but please don't forget all of us left behind who hold you, still so fragile, in our hearts and memories. Please don't forget me, Beatrice x

captainmummy Tue 06-Nov-12 21:07:34

Beautiful sentiments, cup.

Don't know what to say, but I really feel for you and your family.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Tue 06-Nov-12 21:09:25

Beatrice will never forget you. You played as an important role in her life as she played in yours. She will love you eternally.

PseudoBadger Tue 06-Nov-12 21:10:09

A truly brave and inspiring opening post. Thinking of you as always.

Everlong Tue 06-Nov-12 21:12:06

Ah sweet little Beatrice. A beautiful post cup you are so dignified.

She won't forget you. Your love is everlasting.

IwishIwasmoreorganised Tue 06-Nov-12 21:12:22

Cup, your love shines through in your writing, so honest and eloquent.

I hope that the emptiness eases in time, and that song returns to your life.

TCOB Tue 06-Nov-12 21:13:12

We're here with you for this next part of the journey, Cup.

'Every noble life leaves the fibre of it interwoven for ever in the work of the world.'

Nobility doesn't come from how many years we spend on earth. Beatrice's small and mighty spirit is here forever x

Chubfuddler Tue 06-Nov-12 21:13:14

You are so brave cup. So very brave.

There's an inscription on a memorial stone in a church near us, the church where we got married. It's a memorial to the son of a local landowner who died in his teens some 200 years ago, and whenever I used to go to church there I couldn't look at it because I would start to cry. It's a long passage but I remember it ends "God saw his fitness for glory, and called him quickly home". I'm sure that must be true of Beatrice.

onedev Tue 06-Nov-12 21:16:29

Fly high indeed beautiful girl - so sorry for your loss.

Chubfuddler I'd love to know the rest of that passage, it sounds very apt. smile

McPhee Tue 06-Nov-12 21:18:56

Beautiful x

Chubfuddler Tue 06-Nov-12 21:20:16

I will try and go to the church soon and I will write it down for you.

KnottyLocks Tue 06-Nov-12 21:23:01

Thinking of you so much x

Thank you x

sassythebloodFIRSTy Tue 06-Nov-12 21:24:14

Lovely sentiments, cup, as always eloquently and poignantly expressed. It must be dreadfully hard for you xxx

SoldierKatnissEverdeen Tue 06-Nov-12 21:24:40

Beautiful post cup of tea.
What a positive way of thinking.
You come across as so strong in your grieving, wishing you lots more strength.

How lucky beautiful Beatrice was to have you as her mum.

DutchOma Tue 06-Nov-12 21:29:54

Love, like starlight, never dies

bishboschone Tue 06-Nov-12 21:35:26

Beautiful words cup.. As always x

GRW Tue 06-Nov-12 22:13:23

The name Beatrice means "Bringer of Joy" which seems very appropriate for your beautiful daughter. Thinking of you x

MNP Tue 06-Nov-12 22:22:04

Lovely Cup, a sparkling beautiful Butterfly.

You grieve, yet you still have the strength of heart and mind to be grateful for her life and love. You are truly inspiring - what a beautiful post; sad and happy.
Be kind to yourself, too, and look after yourself. Or let others look after you at times x.

FourArms Tue 06-Nov-12 22:38:00

I'm so sorry to see this news, and your words about your beautiful butterfly were so touching that I am sat with tears pouring down my face.

I can't believe that it is really 13 months since you introduced us all to Beatrice and let us share a little of your life with her.

Best wishes to you all for these sad days xxx

Somersaults Tue 06-Nov-12 23:13:05

As always Cup, your love for your family shines through in your eloquent and touching writing.

Thinking of you and remembering you all in our prayers.

ExitPursuedByABrrrrrrr Tue 06-Nov-12 23:33:52

I never sang until I had my DD, and then I found my voice.

Still sing to her, she will be listening.

fraktion Wed 07-Nov-12 01:20:54

Thinking of you, sending love and light through the night.

You are so brave and Beatrice is so loved. That will never change.

KateUnrulyBush Wed 07-Nov-12 03:14:11

Still struggling to find the right words for you, Cup, but thinking of you and Bea here in the night and sending love to you x

Cynner Wed 07-Nov-12 03:45:21

Cups, I promise Beatrice will never forget you. You will be her mummy forever and ever. Your heart must be so bruised. I am sending the brightest blessings for you, and all of those who knew and loved your baby. Xx

trumpton Wed 07-Nov-12 05:52:35

Nighttime thoughts of you . I went to a small concert last night and a friend sang about his baby daughter and the joy she bought into his life " You took my blues and put them in the sky " Fly free Beatrice in the sunny blue sky . My heart aches for you all.

ripsishere Wed 07-Nov-12 06:08:57

What dignity and grace you have.

MABS Wed 07-Nov-12 06:31:10

my love and prayers to you all x

eastendfareast Wed 07-Nov-12 06:37:03

Such beautiful thoughts cup. I've never posted on your threads before, but your love for Beatrice and your other children inspires me and shines through your words. My thoughts are with you and your family x

AuldAlliance Wed 07-Nov-12 09:24:25

Your words are beautiful, cup.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 07-Nov-12 09:27:30

Thinking of you cup xx

I never dare post on threads such as these as i'm never sure of the right words. But i read this at 4am this morning and cried.

I've had to come back to say what beautiful words and sentiment. I've followed beatrice's journey and I am in awe of your strength, grace and eloquence at what must be the worst time of your life Cupoftea.

I'm so so sorry is all that feels right to say. Xx

Thumbwitch Wed 07-Nov-12 10:39:01

As always, Cup, your posts move me to tears, what beautiful and touching words. Fly little Beatrice - but your family will always feel the touch of your butterfly wings in their hearts. xxx

StrawberriesTasteLikeLipsDo Wed 07-Nov-12 10:42:09

Cup your words fill me with such sadness but the love you clearly feel for beatrice fill me with hope. I hope her love stays with you always x

converseconvert Wed 07-Nov-12 10:47:28

Just so beautiful. Your in my thoughts x

Jux Wed 07-Nov-12 13:51:21

Beauty is transient. We cannot hold it long; only love it while it is there and remember its glory once it's gone. Our life is enriched by its fleeting presence.

I can't remember who said that, but they must have had a Beatrice too. sad

we are thinking of you, Cupoftea. Sing loud and long.

JustFabulous Wed 07-Nov-12 14:43:19

Cup, I am always so moved by your posts about Beatrice but feel daft posting as I am sure I always post stupid things. I am in awe of you all. Your photos are beautiful and show such a strong family. I have asked my Nana to look out for a beautiful butterfly and to give her a cuddle.

youarewinning Wed 07-Nov-12 17:39:05

Beautiful post cup. I am sure Beatrice is pleased and proud she chose you as her mum and her dad and sisters as much as you are proud she chose you. x

youarewinning Wed 07-Nov-12 17:57:40

cup I have just watched the you tube memories muvee of Beatrice. It is beautiful and a perfect tribute to your beautiful daughter. It really did capture her journey and the changes in her as she grew older.
I just adored the picture of her in her leggings and ugg boot things.

ithastobeNAICEham Wed 07-Nov-12 18:11:26

Cup, I've only partially followed your journey with the beautiful Beatrice, all I can say is I am so sorry for your loss.

You always write with such poise and I am in awe of your strength.

Beatrice was lucky to have such an amazing mummy and you will always be her mummy. I know that you will be by her side again.

Much love to you all x

So today wasn't so successful...

I decided this morning to go and meet my mum for a cup of tea, and driving out of the village I drove over a big pot hole and burst my two offside tyres. So that was the morning scuppered.

In the afternoon, Bea's CCN came over to visit and we had a lovely chat, but we also went through Beatrice's demise, and I just felt guilty. I must have known she was working too hard during her last month. Her o2 requirements kept creeping up, her blood pressure was twice as high as a normal child's. The problem with her ventricles thickening and the wall between them thickening probably pointed to the fact her heart was in trouble. I should've known she was working so hard to stay with us. Perhaps I should have encouraged, demanded, that family came to see her in hospital and say goodbye. Perhaps I should've told Beatrice it was ok to go sooner than I did. What if she was waiting for my blessing and I kept her struggling on?

After school I went to dd2's parents evening which was fine, except at the end of the meeting her teacher said she was sorry to hear about Beatrice, with all the gusto of someone saying they were sorry to hear I'd broken a fingernail...

This evening I went to do the weekly shop and had a panic attack in the middle of the supermarket. I nearly abandoned the shopping and ran for the hills. I just kept looking at all these strangers and thinking, 'You don't know my baby has died.'

Tomorrow is my first day back at work. I'm only doing half a day, and praying I don't let the children down. Wish me luck...

fraktion Wed 07-Nov-12 19:25:14

<holds cup tight>

sad Don't feel guilty. She stayed because she wanted to, because she loved you.

Will be thinking of you especially tomorrow.

OohMrDarcy Wed 07-Nov-12 19:34:28

Thinking of you tomorrow cup, just do what you can

and please don't feel guilty about Bea - like Fraktion said, she went when she was ready and stayed because she loved you

xx

thewhistler Wed 07-Nov-12 19:51:55

Cup,

Sounds a grim day.

Bea will have gone when was right for her.

Hugs.

Cup I've followed your threads about Beatrice, so sorry for your loss, hope all goes well tomorrow.

saffronwblue Wed 07-Nov-12 19:58:40

Oh Cup. Every minute that Bea was with you was filled with love and care for her. She stayed as long as she could.
Here to hold your hand.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Wed 07-Nov-12 20:14:43

Cup - there wasn't anything else you could have done for Beatrice, you did everything you possibly could.

I'm sorry about DD2's teacher sad How is DD2 finding her?? How is DD2 getting on at school? Ok considering?

Supermarket shopping is hard when you are struggling, they're big, noisy, you see things that upset you, it's all just 'too much'. Local shops for small bits or online shopping is a saviour.

TBH I am worried about you going tomorrow, I think it's an awful lot to put on yourself so soon - but one thing I am sure of, is that you will do your best and no-one can ask more than that. If you need to leave they will cope. Think of us standing alongside you x

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 07-Nov-12 20:17:02

Thinking of you tomorrow. Have you got a place you can go at work for a few minutes peace if you need it, and a friend you can take with you?

sassythebloodFIRSTy Wed 07-Nov-12 21:05:00

Cup - just wishing you well tomorrow. As a fellow teacher, when you are ready, it's a great job to give your grief a rest for a while - it's so full on you find that 10mins has gone by and you haven't thought about it, then 20 mins, then an hour...

But if you're not ready, there is no shame in saying so during tomorrow or later. No one would expect you back at work yet.

Thinking about you xx

eightytwenty Wed 07-Nov-12 21:06:39

Hi cup. I also had panic attacks when I tried to return to normal life after my father died in an accident. I wonder if this is a physiological reaction to grief.

Good luck for tomorrow.

X

Oh cup my lovely. You are doing so much, is it helping to be busy? I found some days it was but other days were just for bed in the early days. Make sure you are getting enough rest.

I wrote a very similar post about having a panic attack in sainsbury's - I remember thinking if I tell all these people my baby died maybe they'd be a bit quieter, a bit more gentle.

Good luck at work tomorrow - you are doing amazing. You did everything you thought was right at the time cup and no-one can do any more than that.

Lots of love and light xx

Four4me Wed 07-Nov-12 21:46:03

I will be thinking of you at work tomorrow ((((cup))))) Bea will be smiling at her wonderful mummy x

Cup, what a horrible day. You must know that Beatrice left when she had to; not earlier, and not later. I hope are going to have a restful night.

I felt like you after 'mere' MCs - how on earth can the sun still shine/the birds still thing/people chatter nonsense when I have just lost this baby? And my losses were v early prednancy losses; not babies I had held and cared for and loved. I know there is no Gradient of Grief or any kind of competition of loss, but I cannot begin to imagine how it must feel for you sad.
That teacher sounds like she has an empathy bypass angry...

Very best of luck for your return to work. I am sure you won't let the children down, even if you are not your usual self (how could you?). If it is right for you to return to work now, you will know. If it isn't, you will know.

Much love and strength x.

expatinscotland Wed 07-Nov-12 23:37:21

Thinking of you, cup.

And never, ever feel guilt about any of Bea's life or death. You did all you could and there is nothing wrong with wanting to keep her.

OrangeChicken Wed 07-Nov-12 23:46:14

Your words Cup at the beginning of this thread - they are lovely. You really are so very eloquent.

You know, Bea went when she was ready as the others have said. She obviously worked hard, yes - that was Beatrice through and through - she was no quitter that girl (!), but she wasn't hanging on against her will, she was waiting for the moment that was right for her. Don't feel guilty about family maybe not having said goodbye in person. In person is not the only way to say goodbye and goodbyes of the heart can be felt through space and time. Bea knows who loved her and cherished her, whether they made it to say it in person or not.

Good luck for returning to work tomorrow. It is different for everybody and only you can work out what is right for you. Take it as it comes and don't set yourself up to have expectations in anything - either what you can manage or how you feel or how long you stay for. One thing is sure and that's that a little butterfly will be with you the whole day through, smiling and now taking her turn to hold your hand! She will be proud, no matter what!

ExitPursuedByABrrrrrrr Wed 07-Nov-12 23:51:00

Will be thinking of you tomorrow - good luck. Those children are lucky to have you. All of them.

xxx

I know somebody who had a panic attack in the supermarket too. It was after her father had died.

Cup - I think Beatrice stayed as long as she could and then she went home to God. Nothing you did could have changed that and you shouldn't feel guilty. Your loving care kept her alive for those 13 months. Nobody could have done more.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow too. See how it goes but if you need to stop and go home people will manage. The children will manage. You aren't letting them down. You'll be showing them what a good woman and a good mother looks like.

pearlgirl Thu 08-Nov-12 00:57:43

Thinking of you tomorrow.
I had a panic attack in the dentists around the time of my mum's death - it was as if I couldn't cope with another thing in my head that I had to control and order.
As another fellow teacher I also found work a place I could put my grief to one side at times as work is so full on and I found that for me it helped - but that isn't the same for everyone. You will know what is right for you and if that is just to do part of the day or not do any of it people will manage and find a way forward, just as you will.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 08-Nov-12 01:22:29

I would guess that Bea stayed as long as she possibly could, which was much longer than expected, because she had your love and strength.
If she'd had any choice at all, I think she would have stayed forever.
I'm worried about you tomorrow too, it's very soon.

trumpton Thu 08-Nov-12 03:51:56

I just woke up and am posting to say my thoughts are with you tonight and every dark night .
I hope work goes well for you . Love to all the Teaset x

Everlong Thu 08-Nov-12 06:55:39

Sending love this morning cup
We are all with you.

sassythebloodFIRSTy Thu 08-Nov-12 06:57:05

Love to you this morning cup x

Thumbwitch Thu 08-Nov-12 07:05:58

Ah Cup (((hugs))).
Sorry to hear about the tyres, that's a real PITA and just feels so unnecessary.

Where Bea is concerned, you have nothing with which to reproach yourself - you and she were a team, doing the best for her, fighting the good fight as long as her strength held out. Sadly she was finally overcome - but you and she did everything possible to give her the best chance and the best life she could have - she would have stayed longer if she could have, I'm sure. xx

If you find work is too much for you tomorrow, make your excuses and leave early. I am sure that no one could blame you if you need to.

Somersaults Thu 08-Nov-12 07:33:31

Thinking about you today. Much love xxx

MorningPurples Thu 08-Nov-12 08:07:11

I just wanted to send you good wishes for returning to work today. I hope it goes well.

janey68 Thu 08-Nov-12 08:11:38

cupoftea - hope today goes well and offers some smiles amid your heartache. You sound such a lovely person; your pupils will love to see you again I'm sure.

FairiesWearPoppies Thu 08-Nov-12 08:18:04

Good luck today cup xxxxx

DottyDot Thu 08-Nov-12 08:21:20

Thinking of you today Cup xxx

ohmeohmy Thu 08-Nov-12 08:29:05

Hope you find what you need from working today. As others have said Bea went when she was ready, it wasn't up to anyone else including the drs. You are an amazing mum and I suspect a pretty good teacher too.

fhdl34 Thu 08-Nov-12 08:29:21

Thinking of you today cup. Please don't feel guilty, you did so much for Bea, I hope in your heart you know that. Be kind to yourself x

thewhistler Thu 08-Nov-12 08:57:02

Thinking of you.

MNP Thu 08-Nov-12 10:32:47

Oh Cup, yesterday was a rough day but I firmly believe didn't leave you a minute sooner than she had to, fly Bea.

Hope today is smooth running.

Squiglettsmummy2bx Thu 08-Nov-12 12:42:39

I saw a beautiful butterfly today & it made me think of you Cup & of precious little Bea. I hope today has treated you kindly.
Love & hugs xxx

JustFabulous Thu 08-Nov-12 14:00:22

I hope your time at work is going okay, Cup.

Umm, I think I may have bitten off more than I can chew... blush I only had to teach for 1hr 40mins, then had breaktime which I couldn't bear- so noisy, such inane chatter. My head was banging. Then I had an hour's PPA time. I tried to mark books but my head was swimming and it felt like I had play dough rattling around between my ears sad It took me 1hr 45mins to mark one set of books. I just kept yawning.

I loved being with the children, they were adorable. A few asked me, 'Is it true your baby died?', so I sat them down and gave them a small explanation.

I thought I might have a little snooze this afternoon, but dd1 was sent home sick from school. It never rains...!

Oh well, try again tomorrow I guess.

Everlong Thu 08-Nov-12 14:19:55

Tiny steps cup

fraktion Thu 08-Nov-12 14:24:08

You took a huge step today, it's ok to feel wobbly. Just take it easy at work and do what you can, as you can, when you can.

Hope DD1 feels better soon.

Oh yes, and when I got home from work there was a DVD waiting forme, of the music therapy sessions with Beatrice that were filmed. I'd love to watch it, but I know I'd be far too sad. At least I have those memories to relive when I feel ready.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Thu 08-Nov-12 14:25:08

Well done cup, you did really well.

RabidCarrot Thu 08-Nov-12 14:43:15

Holding you in my prayers xx

ChippingInLovesAutumn Thu 08-Nov-12 15:10:13

You got through it, that's pretty impressive kiddo smile

I think it's good that you talked to all of the children & once again, you were very brave - I would have cried and been hopeless!!

I'm sure that everyone is just pleased to see you and that no-one expects you to be completely on form - so what if the paperwork takes a bit longer?

How lovely to have the DVD - to know it's there smile It will be lovely to see it one day, when you are feeling strong enough.

I hope DD1 is feeling better x

Rowgtfc72 Thu 08-Nov-12 15:29:47

Well done cup, one day at a time.

ExitPursuedByABrrrrrrr Thu 08-Nov-12 15:37:04

Well done on getting through it. You are very brave.

Xxx

That's a huge step you've taken, well done. It's not surprisingly your head feels a bit woolly - there has been so much to think about for so long. One of my boys said to me after a long day at school "my head's full" - it's a brilliant description and I use it when things are getting too much.

I'm sorry DD is poorly too - can you snuggle up together and rest quietly?

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 08-Nov-12 16:22:23

Wow, well done. I would have been mush answering the children's questions.
That is really very impressive. Hope DD1 feels better soon.

JustFabulous Thu 08-Nov-12 17:51:37

I think you did brilliantly.

(really hope that doesn't sound patronising).

Four4me Thu 08-Nov-12 18:33:39

Well done you! I hope that dd1 is ok and you got a snooze together. The time will come for that DVD.

You are some woman cup!!!! (you can prob hear the Yorkshire accent!!!)

youarewinning Thu 08-Nov-12 18:40:38

Small steps cup, small steps. You went into work and you should be so proud of yourself for doing that. Whatever happens you went.

Beatrice will be proud of you too. She will have wanted to fight and thats why she did - because of your love for her and because she felt loved. Please try and see this as the positive thing it is.

Big (((hugs))) to you all and I hope DD1 is feeling better soon. x

KateUnrulyBush Thu 08-Nov-12 19:16:21

I think you did incredibly well going in to work today. I teach primary too, I know what it's like! If it feels too much tomorrow, or any other day, don't go in. Painting on a brave face in front of the kids is exhausting. Small steps, as others have said.

In awe of you, as ever xx

Cup, I am glad your day went ok.
Children can be a real 'tonic', can't they? smile.
They just come right out and ask, no polite eumphemisms, no hasty expression of insincere condolences, no averting of eyes.
And then they move on to a fight over who gets to play with the red car grin...

I agree with everybody else, one step at a time, one day at a time.
The time will come when that DVD will be a treasure.

Thumbwitch Thu 08-Nov-12 22:39:30

That's the first step - hopefully it will get easier for you next time and the time after that. But if it doesn't, that doesn't matter either - you need time, so accept things how they go and allow yourself to be whatever you need to be.

I hope that the DVD will bring you lots of joy in time, even though it's too raw to watch just now.

xx

saffronwblue Thu 08-Nov-12 23:04:18

Wow- you are so brave cup. Even if it was exhausting I hope the interaction with kids and colleagues gave you a little lift as well. Just accept that your soul and mind are very wounded and you will take longer to do admin tasks and absorb information. You will be back up to speed when the time is right.

I love that you were able to talk to the children about Bea. I was at a meeting the other day where people were talking about the importance of bringing "your whole self" to work. You really demonstrated that.

trumpton Fri 09-Nov-12 00:37:22

In the still of the night , my thoughts take flight , and I wake to think if you . Wishing you a peaceful night .

MNP Fri 09-Nov-12 01:21:06

The DVD was a nice thing after what sounds like a big adjustment day Cup.

Hope DD1 is on the mend soon.

Baby steps Cup, baby steps.

janey68 Fri 09-Nov-12 07:22:54

Hope today goes well, whether youre teaching or at home, hope you feel Beatrice close beside you.

Today was a much better day smile work went well, just waiting for the girls to get home from school to make cookies together, then a friend is coming over later for a glass of wine.

Can't believe it was a week since we buried Beatrice. Dd2 keeps talking of Bea playing angel tag with all the other angel babies. Let's hope she's right...

onedev Fri 09-Nov-12 16:21:46

I'm sure she is. Well done on getting through the week. Your bravery is inspiring. Hope you're able to enjoy your wine & the weekend.

onedev Fri 09-Nov-12 16:23:08

Sorry, I'm sure enjoy is the wrong word - I certainly didn't mean to sound flippant. blush.

janey68 Fri 09-Nov-12 16:24:51

That's such a sweet image and wonderful that your girls feel comfortable to talk so openly about Bea and what's happened. I know others have said it (and I hope you don't mind it being repeated) but you really are inspirational as a family. Such tragedies can and do strike any family, and I'm sure many who have experienced similar things, or who will do so in the future, are able to draw on your words and the way you are coping day to day.

Hope the cookies turn out good, and wine is definitely a great Friday evening plan.

thewhistler Fri 09-Nov-12 17:05:23

Well done, brilliant.

Love the image of angel tag. With butterflies flying around.

I hope you get some rest during the weekend.

smile

Glad to hear you had a better day.

ExitPursuedByABrrrrrrr Fri 09-Nov-12 19:27:23

Lovely to hear you sounding brighter Cup.

Hope you have a peaceful weekend.

IwishIwasmoreorganised Fri 09-Nov-12 19:47:49

Glad to hear that today was easier.

Your ds's are obviously taking after you in their lovely ways.

Hope the wine hits the spot tonight.

KateUnrulyBush Fri 09-Nov-12 21:22:50

That's lovely to hear, Cup. smile

fluffypillow Fri 09-Nov-12 21:47:11

I'm pleased today went a little better than yesterday for you . I hope your girls enjoyed their baking. Lovely image of little Bea playing angel tag smile.

I hope you get some rest over the weekend. Thinking of you x

CaroleService Fri 09-Nov-12 22:00:05

Chasing the butterflies ...

trumpton Sat 10-Nov-12 02:14:26

Angel tag with butterflies and Beatrice . A lovely image to help you through the dark nights . Bless you Cup and your family , you are constantly in my thoughts x

You're doing so well Cup. Glad work went better. Your dds spound so sweet and you're doing a great job helping them through their grief for Bea.

Everlong Sat 10-Nov-12 12:27:22

Angel tag. That's the sweetest thing I've heard in a long time.
A beautiful thought.

Hope your weekend has some peaceful moments cup xx

I've held off from posting this in case you think I'm crackers, but here goes:

1) After Beatrice died, dh left the hospital to collect the girls and as he got into the car, he noticed a little plastic bumble bee on the floor by the driver's door which he picked up and gave to me.

2) Just before Beatrice took her last breath, dh kissed her head and she squeezed my finger. That night in the hospice, dh woke up to feel something squeezing his little finger.

3) A few months ago, I stayed at a friend's house after a work night out. That night I took an eyeliner out with me, It was from the States, you can't buy it in the UK or even online. The next morning when I emptied my bag from the night before, the eyeliner had gone. I was really cross because as I said, I couldn't get another one like it. My friend and I turned the room upside down trying to find it, but it wasn't there so I assumed I must have dropped it on the night out. My friend has had other people to stay in the room since so has changed the bedding and pulled all the furniture out to hoover and dust etc. The day after Beatrice died, she walked into the room, and there was the eyeliner, sat on the floor in the middle of the room.

4) On Wednesday, as I was unpacking the last of my things into my bedroom drawers, I found a beautiful hairbclip with a big blue and purple sparkly butterfly on it. It's quite striking, I would have known if it was the girls' one, but I'd never seen it before. I wore it to work the next day on my first day back.

So, what do you make of all that? Coincidences? The finger-squeezing could have been dh's imagination, but he swore he felt it, plus he never wakes up in the middle of the night! The bumble bee on the floor by the car- could have been dropped there by someone, but how strange that it was right there, right then. How can the eyeliner be explained? What about the butterfly hair clip?

JustFabulous Sat 10-Nov-12 18:02:15

It was Bea smile.

There are more things in this world than we can see or explain. We only know how it makes us feel. I don't think you're crazy at all.

thewhistler Sat 10-Nov-12 18:33:57

Cup,

My lovely brother in law collapsed and died v suddenly. At once there were butterflies not on him but on the rock next to him.

He loved babies and small children and would have loved to have had a little girl as well as his boys.

So perhaps they are there together.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sat 10-Nov-12 19:39:58

There are somethings you can't explain - you just have to enjoy. Ask Rinders about the lights grin! I'm not at all religious, but I believe there is life after this one & Bea is in very good company - lots of love, cuddles & mischief - watching down on you all, doing the odd thing to make her presence known smile

MrsHende Sat 10-Nov-12 19:59:33

I love these little things, it's Bea and her angel friends.

thixotropic Sat 10-Nov-12 20:01:51

Long time lurker just checking in to say I think you are the most amazing person, Cup.

I have been in tears at every one of your threads. (sorry)

Bea was so lucky to have you as her mummy.

I am quite sure she is running around playing Angel tag in a meadow full of butterflies. And sending the odd mischievous hairclip your way to remind you that she won't ever forget you....

DutchOma Sat 10-Nov-12 20:07:05

These are all good things that are happening to you. We none of us can explain all or any of the 'whys' and 'wherefores'
Whether co-incidence or God-incidence I am sure they are sent to comfort you and I'm particularly glad that some of these comforts have also happened to your dh.
May the peace of God be with you all.

elliejjtiny Sat 10-Nov-12 20:46:01

I don't think you're crazy. After my miscarriage my FIL said something very insensitive about how he didn't believe that miscarried babies went to heaven. I was worrying about it and a couple of months later I saw a little girl in my bathroom and she said something that DH's Gran used to say to me a lot before she died. Then she did this little smile just like DS2 does. If I tell people they say I dreamt it but I couldn't have dreamt DS2's smile 2.5 years before he was born.

eightytwenty Sat 10-Nov-12 22:07:57

Lovely post Dutch oma. I don't believe in god. And yet, I had a number of special moments, from which I was able to take comfort, after my father died.

Cup. How are the rest of the tea set coping? And are you coping with the logistics of your new home? Do you need anything? Can we help?

fluffypillow Sat 10-Nov-12 23:48:15

They are such lovely things to have happened, I hope you can take some comfort in it.

If you had told me this a few years ago, I probably would have said it was coinsidence, but after the things that happened after I lost loved ones, I totally believe it is much more.

My Gran was in hospital a few years ago, very poorly, and the nurse told us she would not make it. I went to the window in the ward to collect my thoughts, looked up, and a butterfly was trying to get out. I caught it and released it outside. A few minutes later, my Gran died. I didn't think anything of it until the day of her funeral. We were back at the house, and my Son came into the room with butterfly on his shirt ( a real one!) I took him to the door, and pushed it off of him, but as we walked back in, it stuck to him again! Fast forward a couple of weeks, and Mum and I went to bury Grans ashes . As the prayers we being said, two butterflies flew around us. I like to think this was because we buried the ashes with my Grandads.

I lost my Dad also last year, and when we buried his ashes, we looked down, and the ground was covered in ladybirds! In a funny sort of way it was quite distracting, and it's strange because my Dad always tried to distract me from anything sad, or serious by being funny, I think that the ladybirds were sent from him. Ladybirds often seem to turn up at significant moments now, especially around my children, which I love and find very comforting.

Sorry to be so long winded, but I just wanted you to know that I have experienced similar things, and totally believe this was Bea sending you comfort.

Thinking of you x

Thumbwitch Sun 11-Nov-12 00:21:26

Bea-utiful messages, I would say Cup. As someone has already said, there are more things in heaven and earth than we can explain - and I would take comfort from them all. Thank you for posting about them. xx

trumpton Sun 11-Nov-12 05:55:49

Dark here still this morning . I am sure that the "findings" are there to provide peace and even help you raise a tentative smile at the tricks the angels play . Beatrice must be chuckling away to her angel friends as you scratch your heads !

ExitPursuedByABrrrrrrr Sun 11-Nov-12 12:45:05

As the great Bard said

"There are more things in heaven and earth ... than are dreamt of in your philosophy".

Take comfort in those signs.

Everlong Sun 11-Nov-12 12:53:48

I like that a lot exit

I want her back. I want her back so badly sad. She was in my dream last night. I dreamed she got over the pneumonia. We took her off the oxygen and she was saturating at 86%. All the nurses were waiting for her to pass away, but she held her ground and kept going. We took her home and she was smiling. Smiling and playing with me, she couldn't do those things in real life, but she was really developing in my dream. Then I woke up. I was so sad to wake up.

And it was the older girls who woke me up to ask if they could go downstairs. I hardly wanted to look at them, they woke me up when I was playing with Beatrice sad

I wish I could sleep forever. If that's what I have to do to see her again, I never want to wake up. It's so hard.

Everlong Sun 11-Nov-12 15:30:46

That's so hard for you. It sounds like a beautiful dream, I'm sorry it didn't last longer. I'm glad you had it though. I remember all the dreams I've ever had about my lost ds and revisit them.

This is stage is so raw. The pain is physical. All I can say is that very slowly it eases, I know you know this but I just want to say it. But your love will grow and grow.

sad

You take your comfort, what little there is, from whereever it comes.
It is hard; probably the most profound feeling of loss any of us every fear to have to deal with - the loss of a child.

I hope sleep will bring playtime with Beatrice again.
Wishing you ongoing strength and sending much love xx.

KateUnrulyBush Sun 11-Nov-12 17:53:06

sad

Just offering a hand to hold, Cup.

Bobloblaw Sun 11-Nov-12 20:08:18

I wish I knew what to say Cup, I am so sorry, I think of you all so much, I wish I was closer x

Four4me Sun 11-Nov-12 20:35:45

I wish you had her back lovely. It is so bloody crap and unfair and sad for you. Massive hug xxxx

IwishIwasmoreorganised Sun 11-Nov-12 22:05:17

What a gorgeous but cruel dream to have, and to be woken part way through seems even more unfair.

I wish I had some words of comfort cup, but there are none.

You're all still very much in my thoughts though.

Xxx

MNP Mon 12-Nov-12 01:29:32

Hugs Cup.

trumpton Mon 12-Nov-12 01:43:35

No words of wisdom here just a hand holding out to you . I hope you are sleeping peacefully x

CaroleService Mon 12-Nov-12 11:46:27

Oh cup sad.

diffo Mon 12-Nov-12 12:40:06

First time posting here, but I followed your story with Beatrice. I am so very sorry for your loss. There are no words that will take away your pain.

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal"

janey68 Mon 12-Nov-12 18:32:50

Oh cupoftea. I hope Beatrice visits you in your dreams again soon and you get to play with her.

Even if she couldn't smile and play in real life, having looked at her photos it's so clear that she felt loved and happy. I'm sure in her heart she was smiling and gurgling and I'm sure wherever her spirit is now, she's smiling and feeling your love

thewhistler Mon 12-Nov-12 19:44:11

Cup, lots of love. I agree with janey, she gave, inspired and received love. Nothing ever goes to waste and that love continues, even when there is a hideous aching gap.

OrangeChicken Tue 13-Nov-12 00:08:05

Cup ... I believe that God sent you that dream to show you that in Heaven Beatrice CAN smile, and she CAN play - and she IS doing too! To let you know that, despite your dreadful, awful sadness and loss, that Beatrice's little wings are growing and growing - and she wanted to share a glimpse of that with her beloved mummy, just to let you know that she's doing fine, and not to worry...

trumpton Tue 13-Nov-12 03:29:08

A clear still night here and the stars are very near and bright. I am thinking of you and hold you in my thoughts .

Cup, I have regular dreams about Mia too. Comforting, but yes, waking up is terrible. Such an aching loss. Yet it is the only way we can hold and touch them, so you wait with such longing for the next time.

All your signs are little messages from Bea. I think many of us receive them - all different, but always meaningful. It is wonderful when you find these little love notes. Mine are cloud kisses - woke this morning to see three in the blue sky, one for me, one for MrMia, and one for Mia's unborn sibling.

You might find that your daughters, and especially small children, play with Bea. It is quite extraordinary. They could go on the swings together, talk on the phone, play games, read stories... I can only think that perhaps their creative, unformed minds see and understand a world that we don't.

I am so tired. This morning I went for a tea with a group of mums and they gave me a gift- they had clubbed together and had a star named after Beatrice. My dad was an astronomer and would have been able to use the co-ordinates to find it. But he's dead too. Then I went with a couple of friends to the city centre for a drink and everywhere I looked I saw babies. Pushchairs, slings, pregnant women, smiling couples, toddlers... I hate it sad I want my Beatrice back. I miss her smell so much. I miss dressing her in her cute clothes and singing her songs and doing her physio with her as I tickled her toes. I just want to smell her hair again and hold her hand.

After I got home, I slept for nearly 3 hours this afternoon, cuddled under two of her blankets. The blankets she had wrapped around her at the hospice, but they don't smell of her anymore. My dh has done all the school/playdate/Rainbow/supermarket runs today. I have contributed precisely nothing to the family or household today. Feel slightly ashamed, but equally too exhausted to care. I don't feel like me at all. I thought I was doing well, but now I'm not so sure. Dh is due back in work the week after next and I'm panicking a bit- I don't know what I'll do really. I can't face work on Thursday. I've got masses of prep to do before then, and it's my whole school assembly- It was meant to be mine last week, but a friend took it for me, I can't bail again.

I'm in two minds whether to go to the GP tomorrow and see if I can get some time off, but then I'm just delaying the inevitable, aren't I? I have to go back one day.

I hate feeling like this. I had a purpose in life when Beatrice was here. My job was to protect her and fight for her. I looked in my diary this morning and she and I had 4 appointments between Monday-Wednesday this week. That was our life. NOW WHAT? Nothingness stretched ahead of me as far as the eye can see. If I could turn back the clock, I wouldn't have gone to sleep at 2am and I could have prevented them from giving her the Oromorph which I am sure killed her. I can't believe I fell asleep for an hour and they overdosed her. My poor girl didn't stand a chance after that. The doctorr at the hospice said it was too long between it being administered and her dying for it to have been connected, but it was after that was administered that her respiratory rate went down to 4 beats a minute and although she lasted until 10.20am, she never recovered her original breathing rate. Why did I go to sleep??

JustFabulous Tue 13-Nov-12 18:02:21

Oh cup sad.

Don't torture yourself. No one could have done more for their baby than you did.

If you feel work is too much, get signed off. Quite frankly if school force you to take an assembly before you are ready then I would question their compassion.

Just because you think you have to go back at some point doesn't mean it isn't right to take more time off now.

MajorBumsore Tue 13-Nov-12 18:09:11

Hi Cup, you don't 'know' me. I am mostly a lurker, but I have followed Beatrice's story from her birth. I am immensely sorry that she has gone.

I can't add anything that others haven't already said, but just to say, I'm also a primary teacher and a dear colleague of mine lost her much wanted baby son last year. She has not yet reurned to work, but when she does, it will be a phased return.
Please don't even think about doing whole school assembly yet. Can you speak to the head about doing things slowly at the moment?
Much love

Everlong Tue 13-Nov-12 18:10:07

Sweetheart you are doing well. You are getting through the day, that's all that's expected of you.

Honestly, I would get signed off work. Grief is the most exhausting thing. Totally unexpected. You need time to just take in what's happened, sleep when you want to and just look after yourself.

Your colleagues will understand. As for doing your class assembly, that's too much for you. Far too much.

Look after you. Xxxx

expatinscotland Tue 13-Nov-12 18:14:44

cup, I really think you should see your GP and get signed off. The shock wears off and you're left with, well, what your post described.

It is exhausting. Even 4 months on I am often exhausted with grief.

One MNer who lost her son very wisely suggested I take many videos and photos of our son and daughter, as she found it hard to remember a good deal of the first year after her middle child's death. And so far, she's right.

sad

There is a huge letdown, too, after having cared so intensively fof your child - several of us have had this as well.

And the what if's and second guessing - yep. I still do that, even now.

Please be kind to yourself, cups.

(((()))

Somersaults Tue 13-Nov-12 18:40:58

Cup, you are trying so hard and doing so well but nobody expects you to be a hero. You need to take the time to grieve. I'm a primary school teacher and I would never expect a colleague to be back as fast as you, let alone take whole school assembly. No one will think any the worse of you if you take some time off. You need it.

Hugs, love and prayers xxx

GRW Tue 13-Nov-12 19:04:25

I am sorry you are hurting so much, and I agree with the others that you need to get signed off work. It's not realistic to expect you to cope with planning and assemblies at this stage.

It's a normal part of grieving to blame yourself and wonder what you could have done differently. You did everything you possibly could for Beatrice. If it would help you a few months down the line I am sure one of the doctors at the Hospice would meet with you to talk things through.

Take care x

janey68 Tue 13-Nov-12 19:16:19

I am sure this is a natural phase to go be going through- the questioning, the what it's, the replaying events and wondering if things could have been different. But please try to hold onto the truth which is that you loved and cared for and fought for your Beatrice until it was time for her to go. She knows that. Your family know that.

Take things a step at a time. NO one will expect you to do a school assembly, talk to your colleagues and head and they'll understand. If work is what you need right now then that's fine, but if you can't face it I agree you should get signed off. There are no rights or wrongs here- you do what your body tells you it needs right now.

KateUnrulyBush Tue 13-Nov-12 19:58:21

Just thought I should second what others have said about getting signed off work. I know what it's like in primary schools but they can, and will, carry on without you.

Put yourself and your family first for now.

With love, thinking of you every day xx

Cup - please don't torment yourself about what happened in Beatrice's last night. If it might help you could ask the HDU sister or charge nurse to go over Bea's notes with you but fwiw I don't think the dose in the night made any difference. Bea was really struggling with her respiratory function and she died because of respiratory failure. Nothing on earth could have helped that. She died in the arms of the people who loved her best and fought for her every second of her life. You did everything you could. You didn't fail your girl.

expatinscotland Tue 13-Nov-12 22:25:00

And cup, having had a child who also died of respiratory failure and spent her last 12 days in ICU, do not underestimate how exhausted you were. You have to sleep! People have to sleep at one point.

MNP Tue 13-Nov-12 23:00:07

Cup you had to sleep to function, please don't beat yourself up over that.

trumpton Wed 14-Nov-12 01:57:01

I hope that tonight brings you the peace and calm you so desperately need . No one could have done more for your precious girl.

All of the flowers we were given after Beatrice died had wilted. I threw them out this morning and that just feels like another 'end'.

I rang the surgery yesterday to get an appointment but they could only give me one with a locum next Monday. I asked for one sooner with the GP who drove Beatrice to A&E that time (remember that, when she stopped breathing and the ambulance never came, the GP was crying in panic and drove us to A&E herself?!), she was also the GP who rang after Beatrice died to pass on the condolences of the practice. She also said, 'If you ever need to talk, just ring...' Anyway, the receptionist said there was no way I could see her as she has a full clinic today. So I explained that my dd had died and GP said I could call anytime, and the receptionist did a very over-dramatic sigh and said there's nothing she can do. I wanted to drive down there and shake her. I know she was only doing her job, but it took a lot of guts to call the surgery and she was so obstructive sad Anyway, she said she'd put a note on the GP's desk, that's all she could do, and of course, I haven't heard anything.

I can ring from 10am and be offered a telephone consultation with a locum today, but I don't feel I can talk about this over the phone. So now of course I am panicking that I will just have to go into work tomorrow after all, and what if I can't do it... Why is it all so difficult?

Everlong Wed 14-Nov-12 10:08:36

Good god I want to drive down there myself and throttle her for you.

How insensitive and bloody cruel. I hope you get to speak to your GP. She sounds lovely. I bet if she can she will see you.

Hope so.

saffronwblue Wed 14-Nov-12 10:16:20

Oh cup it is all so hard and raw. What an idiot receptionist. I think it might be worth talking with the locum; just tell him that it is only a couple of weeks since you lost your precious girl and you are not ready to go back to work. You have been so strong- not just since Bea's passing, but in all the days since she was born. You lovingly put Bea's needs and your family's needs first. Now your body is telling you to rest and look after yourself.

JustFabulous Wed 14-Nov-12 10:23:27

It will be fine. The GP will see that you have rung and she will call you.

If she doesn't ring the locum as you need signing off and it is a means to an end.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Wed 14-Nov-12 10:46:30

I'm sorry she was such a bitch sad Would you like one of us to ring the surgery for you? I am sure the GP would be very pissed off to hear you have been treat like this sad

I think you should ring the Head, explain that you need a more gradual return to work, shorter hours there and no 'big' things like whole year assemblies... it is too much my love.

GP called and I've been signed off for a week. She'll call again next Wednesday and we'll discuss a return to work on reduced duties. I feel I can relax now and just sleep.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Wed 14-Nov-12 11:50:45

Oh that's a good start, I'm sure she'll do what's right for you. Try to get some sleep x

JustFabulous Wed 14-Nov-12 11:54:27

<sigh of relief>

Now go and sleep.

Everlong Wed 14-Nov-12 11:57:11

That's good news cup x

KateUnrulyBush Wed 14-Nov-12 14:23:41

Glad that is sorted. Your GP sounds very nice indeed. Her receptionist... not so much.

Hope you get some rest and sleep xx

I'm glad that's something sorted anyway. You have a year's worth of stress and exhaustion to unravel, it's not surprising you are wrung out. There are so many "what if's and maybe's" and I don't think there's anything wrong at all with you going over things and wondering whether you could have done anything differently, just try not to beat yourself up about any of it. You and your family did the very best for your darling girl and some day you will be able to be proud of it all, but right now you need to put yourself first and do what your body says it wants to do. Sleep is good, eating, resting and looking after yourself is good and don't feel guilty about anything.

You are all in our thoughts every day, wishing you some proper sleep tonight.

Carrotcakeisace Wed 14-Nov-12 19:26:13

Oh Cup, as others have said do not torment yourself with "ifs and buts", you did your absolute best (and what an exemplary best) for Beatrice every second of her life. It is, unfortunately, human nature to look to blame yourself but you did nothing wrong and have always amazed me with your totally dedication to her care. Bea thrived for so long because of you. I was away when you posted your video and couldn't see it but since coming back home I have watched it and was astounded by how much she had grown and that was down to you. It's heartbreaking that she had to leave but my god you made the most of every second and never has a child known such absolute love. Please don't think you shouldn't of slept, of course you should, you couldn't prevent what happened and that just sucks but it was no one faults, especially not yours

On a separate note, and I speak as a teacher, of course you shouldn't be in work, wading through planning or taking assembly. I sincerely doubt any of your colleagues are even expecting you to be there. Take all the time you need, sleep, rest, treat yourself. You have had 14 months of unrelenting stress and pressure, no one expects you to go straight back to work. Do a phased return but don't be pressured but your inner teacher voice, your class won't collapse without you and yes whilst it's true you do it one way and cover will do it differently, does it really matter?

As ever, you remain in my thoughts and prayers x

thewhistler Wed 14-Nov-12 19:43:21

Go to sleep and rest. It is what your body and mind need.

RabidCarrot Wed 14-Nov-12 20:19:20

Cups, my heart breaks for you truly it does, and I admit I have no clue how you feel right now, but please please do not beat yourself up over going to sleep, from everything I have read here you did everything possible for Beatrice, I understand there is a massive void no one can ever fill and that it is early days, I do know the pain will never go away, but I also know you have two other beautiful children who will help you heal, and as dark as it seems now there will be light again.
A star is a beautiful idea, it sounds as though you have good people around you.
God bless

I'd second sleep when you can, rest. And eat when you feel able to.

You will have to feel your own way through the nightmare that is bereavement sad. But you will do it; I know you will.

Much love x.

fraktion Wed 14-Nov-12 22:18:47

cup I have nothing wise or helpful to say but I'm still thinking of you and your precious Bea. Take care of yourself, sweetheart.

KnottyLocks Wed 14-Nov-12 22:25:50

Thinking of you, my lovely. If there's anything I can do, you know where I am x

I've just realised, she never cut a tooth sad

Thumbwitch Wed 14-Nov-12 22:45:22

Thank goodness for lovely GP. Hope she has a word to the snitty receptionist as well but at least you have some respite from the stress of work.

Cup - just remember that you did the best fort Bea at all times. Always. She did amazingly well under your care and always knew you were her strongest champion. You did everything you could to give her as long and happy a life as you could - you couldn't have done more than you did. thanks

expatinscotland Wed 14-Nov-12 23:02:13

cup, you are not alone. That is all I can offer you, and so many others on here who have lost their children (thank you, Everlong, I say Oliver's name when I light Aillidh's candle, and Bea's, too, cup).

I wish I could give her back, I wish I could give them all back to us. I'll never understand it, why our children were taken from us.

But I can't. I'm so sorry you were bereaved of Bea.

Please, please, take time to grieve. Even if it's just in trickles, it's very hard to do, because it means letting them go again.

Here for you anytime.

It's early days for us both.

((())))

trumpton Thu 15-Nov-12 03:20:06

Somewhere in the dark please know that I am thinking of you and all of the children who have left heartbroken families to mourn them .

Splinters Thu 15-Nov-12 19:11:03

So am I.

Everlong Thu 15-Nov-12 19:13:31

Thank you expat thanks

cup how are you today? Have you managed to relax a bit?

twinklesunshine Thu 15-Nov-12 19:32:43

So glad that the GP called you back and you have a week to breathe at least. My little boy died 8 months ago, and I don't work so didn't have that added problem, but if I did, there was no way that I could have gone back so early. I was barely able to function. I read somewhere that its all a bereaved person can do to get through the day in the beginning, its exhausting, and putting any extra pressure on ourselves just means that we cant cope with it. In my situation I think thats right, it took me 6 months to even be able to function to a level that I could pick my little boy up from school.

Things are getting easier, I can cope much better on a day to day basis, but back at the beginning I just needed to do whatever I could to get through a day, sometimes it was sleep, play suduko, internet, tv - anything to pass the time.

I have also spent a lot of time going over the what ifs. My little boy wasn't poorly. We put him to bed as normal and when we went to check on him he had died. I was the only one at home with him and I tortured myself that I was just downstairs, didnt hear him, what if he called for me, what if he was scared, was it quick, did he know, did I miss something, was he poorly. After months and months of this I tried to just think that he knew I loved him, I would do anything for him, he knew that, and if I could have stopped it I would. You would have to, of course you would, but sometimes its just out of our hands, and the guilt of that is the hardest to come to terms with I think.

I dont think like that so much now, its just a really slow process, and I think part of the grieving is going over and over it, the brain just doesnt seem to be able to turn it off.

I really am thinking of you and hope that you can get some rest this week and then have another chat with the gp.

Lots of love xxxx

thewhistler Thu 15-Nov-12 20:05:47

Cup, look after yourself. Self reproach though completely wrongly based is inevitable, but try to cherish yourself a bit even while you go through all the different types and stages of grief. You were the perfect mother for Bea, just as she was the perfect babe for you. Honestly.

Twinkle I'm so sorry. As with cup, nothing one can say is adequate. But thoughts are with you too.

MNP Fri 16-Nov-12 00:57:33

Hugs Cup, Twinkle and all left behind Mummy's.

Cup you need time, grief is very individual, get your rest and strength back and then you can start to move forward.

trumpton Fri 16-Nov-12 02:38:37

I am so sad for you . Please look after yourself . No one could have done more for your darling girl . The memories you built with her and your family will come to be of comfort to you .

trumpton Sat 17-Nov-12 01:17:27

I have been thinking of you all day , how I hope that you are sleeping now .

eightytwenty Sat 17-Nov-12 13:15:22

How are you cup? Hope finding peace in autumn sunshine and Love in cuddles from the tea set.

Grief is exhausting. I am glad the dr signed you off.

JustFabulous Sat 17-Nov-12 16:59:44

I saw a butterly ornament in M & S this morning and immediately thought of you, cup and your family. Hope you are able to take care of yourselves.

trumpton Sun 18-Nov-12 03:43:47

I am thinking of you and sending a prayer for peace in your heart and love to all the Teaset . I have been knitting today and every stitch is a stitch of love for Beatrice x

saffronwblue Sun 18-Nov-12 04:49:59

I was in the supermarket today and they were playing Van Morrison's "BrownEyed Girl." Made me instantly think of Beatrice. I don't know if it helps to know that people you have never met are mourning your daughter.
Thinking of all the Teaset xx

DutchOma Sun 18-Nov-12 10:07:45

Thinking of you on this beautiful Sunday morning

trumpton Mon 19-Nov-12 01:02:25

It's blowing a hooley out there tonight. Our first winter storm. I hope your night is more peaceful. Sending you love and letting you that I am thinking of you .

Thank you for thinking of Beatrice, and of my family and I. I shall update later. Right now I have to drag myself out of bed. Each morning is so hard without the motivation of my snuffly, content little girl. She was doing so well, I feel like she's been stolen from me. It's all so wrong.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 19-Nov-12 08:53:58

Thinking of you cup x

So sorry for your loss too, twinkle x

Squiglettsmummy2bx Mon 19-Nov-12 11:50:28

Thinking of you all Cup. You are doing so well. Sending you hugs xxx

JustFabulous Mon 19-Nov-12 12:23:23

It is wrong, cup. It is wrong for anyone to lose someone they love and it always hurts.

gingergran Mon 19-Nov-12 14:29:07

You and your family are often in my thoughts although I don't post often.

It is wrong that Beatrice was taken from you so young and I hope in time you find comfort with your memories of the joy and inspiration that she brought not only to you and your family but to a whole group of people that she never met.

Look after yourself xx

Four4me Mon 19-Nov-12 14:33:48

((((cup))))

fhdl34 Mon 19-Nov-12 15:11:34

Oh cup, I think of you, Bea and the family every day. You might not feel it now but you are a strong person, Bea enjoyed as full a life as she could in her short time because of you.
It is so wrong that she was taken so early. Remember Lourdes, remember your happy memories, hug your girls, hug your husband, get them to hug you. And please, be kind to yourself. One day at a time xxx

CaroleService Mon 19-Nov-12 16:51:47

(((((cup)))))

Love is a double-edged sword.

QuickLookBusy Mon 19-Nov-12 18:20:01

Oh Cup my heart breaks for you and all the mums who have lost their precious children.

I want to ask you to take a bit of time for yourself, Cup. I haven't lost a child, but my sister lost her baby daughter and my best friend lost her teenage daughter in an accident. They both needed time, just to be themselves for a while, time to cry and sleep and just get through each day. So please don't put added pressure on yourself to return to work.

It may take many months to return and that is fine, your school will understand. Tell your lovely Gp that you don't feel ready yet and you need a month or so.xx

When Beatrice and I went out in the car together I would always put the radio on and sing along, as she always liked music and appeared to enjoy my singing hmm Anyway, whenever I switched off the engine and the radio fell silent I would wait...to hear her take a big breath, then I'd say, 'We're here, Beatrice! Mummy will come and get you out now.'

Now whenever I turn off the engine, I wait. But there's nothing there. No big breath. No reason to say we've arrived.

I miss her so much. Every little thing about her and it just won't go away. Nearly midnight and I'm crying in the dark. Before I know it I'll have to get up and plaster the smile on for the world. Why did she go so soon?

saffronwblue Mon 19-Nov-12 23:58:42

Oh cup it is so unfair. You don't have to plaster on a smile. Just do the tasks you have to and give yourself time every day to curl into a ball and grieve.

KateUnrulyBush Tue 20-Nov-12 04:48:15

Sending love and a hand to hold in the dark. You are so brave, but it is good to make space and time to take that mask off, they are exhausting to wear. xx

trumpton Tue 20-Nov-12 04:58:22

Oh sweetheart how I wish that we could help you through these dark and hopeless days . Everything that I try to say seems so trite. But know this, whenever you cry in the dark there will be one of us thinking of you, and holding out a hand of support .
You and your darling girl are in my thoughts .

ChippingInLovesAutumn Tue 20-Nov-12 09:22:49

Oh my love, it is so very very hard isn't it sad You and Bea made each other so happy and to have her physically taken so soon is so unfair. For all of your pregnancy and for 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day you put pretty much everything you had into Bea - her being taken away is bound to leave the most enormous hole in your life - in your head, your heart & your arms.

All you can do right now is look after yourself & hang in there - grieving is really, really exhausting, it drains you completely. Please trust everyone when they say it does get easier to cope & you find a way of living alongside it. Right now you probably don't believe that, you probably can't see how it's possible and you probably feel that it's wrong to stop feeling these intense feelings - that in someway that would mean you miss her less or love her less, that's not true. You wont ever stop loving or missing Bea, but it wont always be this raw.

There aren't so many posts now because it's so hard to know what to say - so many of us are still here though, still hurting for you, still thinking of you, Bea & the whole tea set, we haven't abandoned you & we wont. There are still candles being lit, prayers being said, love being sent xxx

MNP Tue 20-Nov-12 11:24:37

Oh Cup, she was a very lucky girl and didn't want to leave you but other plans had been made for you both. It doesn't go away but it just becomes easier to continue with the special memories you have.

Everlong Tue 20-Nov-12 11:35:33

Oh cup I wish I could take that pain away for you and me and all the other mums without their children. I so wish I could. There aren't any magic words that help, nothing anyone can do but I just hope you know how much we are behind you, holding you up. Thinking about you when it's dark at night. Thinking about Beatrice.

fluffypillow Tue 20-Nov-12 12:35:15

Still thinking of you Cup, and your little Beatrice. Life is so unfair.

Take it easy, and look after yourself. I don't know what to say, nothing can make it better, but just wanted you to know that you and your gorgeous girl are in my thoughts x

Oh cup

There will be so many more 'firsts' when you will realise over and over again what has been taken from you.
I really having nothing to add to what others have said. Look after yourself. And the Teaset. And allow them to look after you in whatever ways they can.

Thinking of you often x.

Lilithmoon Tue 20-Nov-12 23:47:12

Thinking of you and your family. x

trumpton Wed 21-Nov-12 02:57:29

I am awake and thinking of you .

FannyAddams Wed 21-Nov-12 03:20:38

Also awake and saw the thread title, thinking of you cup.

Also your title made me wonder if this had been mentioned to you, maybe for DC next summer? You may well have come across them already. butterfly garden

trumpton Wed 21-Nov-12 11:41:55

I am away for a few days and dont know what internet access I will have ( on stupid Island tariff for roaming ) but if I dont post in the wee small hours its not because I am asleep but because I can't get a signal. But, Darling, I will be thinking of you and yours everyday and night.

pearlgirl Wed 21-Nov-12 22:39:58

Thinking of you and your family.

cup just thinking of you, and please know that I am around if you need me. xx

trumpton Thu 22-Nov-12 03:27:17

Have got logged on to wifi and am wide awake and sending love during a night of loud street noises and sirens . Sleep well Cup .

zebrafinch Thu 22-Nov-12 04:02:56

Cup, thinking of you, Beatrice and all the teaset. Sending you a hug in the dark hours of the night. Take care of yourself Cup, you are an amazing Mum.

twojumpingbeans Thu 22-Nov-12 15:15:56

Thinking of you too - my DD1 and I lit a candle for you all the other day..

trumpton where abouts are you, sounds like an adventure...

I'm having up and down days. Today I went to her grave and was terribly upset with myself- her flowers had all died and looked awful. I just hadn't felt like going there before now. Her grave doesn't hold much importance to me yet. I feel like she's still with me, I don't feel the need to go to a windy grave to talk to her, I talk to her in my head all the time and I carry her in my heart everywhere with me.

Nevertheless, I know other people won't understand that, so I went and took away the dead bouquets and replaced them with pretty little garden ornaments- shiny toad stools, a large wicker one with solar lights threaded into it, and a heart wreath made of brightly coloured metal bells hanging from her cross.

It looks pretty, but I still feel 'meh' about it. She's not there. She's in the breeze and the stars and my memories. She's not in the ground.

KateUnrulyBush Thu 22-Nov-12 21:43:39

You are so wonderful, Cup, I hope you know that. Every word you write is filled with love, honesty and truth. I doubt I will ever have your patience and selfless devotion but you inspire me to try harder.

I do so wish I could help you, I can't say how much. The ornaments sound lovely, very fitting for beautiful Bea.

xx

thewhistler Thu 22-Nov-12 22:48:32

Cup, what a lovely thing to do.

Remember, " love, like starlight, never dies."

She is wherever you are.

It is only the outer crust that is elsewhere, that she didn't need any more.

ExitPursuedByMarieAntoinette Thu 22-Nov-12 23:46:58

Bless you Cup.

MNP Fri 23-Nov-12 01:27:26

Sounds lovely Cup.

HollaAtMeBaby Fri 23-Nov-12 02:25:00

Thinking of you. Glad you have been signed off work, for what it's worth I thought you had gone back very, very soon after what you've been through. Be gentle with yourself. thanks

trumpton Fri 23-Nov-12 03:03:59

I am in London for a few days to see my brother and family. Yesterday I managed to find Postmans Park . It's an old churchyard in the City with a collection of tiled plaques commemorating brave acts. I sat for a while and thought of you and said a prayer.
There are many different types of bravery it's not always dashing into a burning building sometimes it's getting up in the morning to face another day.

You are so brave darling and should be proud of yourself . Night night

Bea is with you, nestled safely in your heart. Feel her love for you, it will always be there. X

JustFabulous Fri 23-Nov-12 07:55:50

Cup, please don't feel you need to do anything for anyone else. If people want to pass comment on Bea's grave then you just walk away. Whatever you want to do is the right thing and what you should do.

I don't post as much as I never know what to say but I think of you all often.

Her grave is the place where her body is laid to rest, no her. What made Beatrice who she was will always be with you.

Much love, as ever x.

Carrotcakeisace Fri 23-Nov-12 22:12:45

Of course Bea is with you all the time, I understand completely what you mean about the grave, you all love Bea and she loved all of you. She isn't in the ground she is in your heart and mind and in the hearts and minds of your dh and the girls. I am reminded of this poem now and whilst I'm sure you know it, I hope it will give you strength (I know it helps me)

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

Mary Elizabeth Frye

Bea will always be with you, love and prayers as always x

trumpton Sat 24-Nov-12 01:09:05

I can only agree with Carrot Bea will always with you x

A month today since you left us.
My heart aches with pain,
My eyes mist over when I remember
That I won’t see you here again.

Your beautiful eyes so full of trust,
Your heart so full of love.
I kissed your cheeks every day.
Can you see me cry from above?

Your curly hair, all soft and wild!
I smelled it every day
As I held you tight with tender hugs.
Why did you go away?

I would’ve given everything to keep you,
Surely God, You know I tried?
I only wanted a little longer
To have Beatrice by my side.

Now Christmas approaches,
And I’m facing it with dread.
Two of my children so excited,
My little baby, dead.

So if you see me smiling,
Please know it’s just pretend,
Because I’ll never, ‘Get over’ losing you,
I don’t expect this pain to end.

For God gave me the greatest gift
When he gave me gorgeous Bea,
I tried my best you keep you safe,
To keep you here with me.

But God must have other plans,
He couldn’t let you stay.
So fly high, little butterfly,
Until we meet one day.

Darling don’t forget us,
The lonely ones left on Earth.
Please watch over your sisters,
They’ve adored you since your birth.

I’m still your mum, my precious Beatrice,
I’m proud of all three daughters.
But you were extra special darling,
Just look at what you taught us:

Love, trust, hope and faith,
You taught these things anew.
I’m so proud to be your mum-
The one and only you.

Everlong Sat 24-Nov-12 09:50:57

Just beautiful cup.
sad

Crying here. You capture your love so beautifully.

janey68 Sat 24-Nov-12 10:02:47

Beatrice will always be your precious daughter, and what she has taught you lives on in your life and her daddy's and sisters'.
Not how you would have chosen things to be, but it's the truth.

KateUnrulyBush Sat 24-Nov-12 10:10:11

Oh goodness crying here reading your beautiful heartfelt poem.

God bless you and Beatrice xx

Oh Cup

Hugs to all of you.

bishboschone Sat 24-Nov-12 13:02:48

Beautiful words as ever cup , I think of you daily and check in to see how you are . I wish I could do something to take your pain away . Life is so so cruel sometimes . sad

Rowgtfc72 Sat 24-Nov-12 13:16:53

Beautiful cup x

((Cup))

Cup, I found this today. Thought it sums up perfectly how we feel...

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Kahlil Gibran

JustFabulous Sat 24-Nov-12 16:30:46

Oh.

Goodness me that is the most powerful thing I have ever read on here.

x

Everlong Sat 24-Nov-12 16:53:03

That's such a beautiful quote miasmummy thanks

DutchOma Sat 24-Nov-12 17:23:26

Oh Cup, I so hope that quote is a comfort to you. All the time I am praying that your grief will not overwhelm you, but that you will find some comfort.

Somersaults Sat 24-Nov-12 19:13:26

Beautiful words Cup. Your writing always moves me. Thinking of you often xxx

BetsyBlingtastic Sat 24-Nov-12 21:09:14

So much truth in your beautiful poem, cup my heart breaks for you x

fhdl34 Sat 24-Nov-12 22:51:48

So beautiful cup, you write so beautifully and honestly. Bea will always be with you xxx

pannetone Sat 24-Nov-12 23:41:21

Remembering Beatrice especially today - one month after you lost her. They played what I now think of as Beatrice's song ('Thank you for the days') when I was collecting an order in M and S today. It's a beautiful song (I didn't know it before) and that lovely montage of photos you made of Beatrice played through my head. And it seemed so right to be remembering Beatrice in the hustle and bustle of Christmas crowds and the frenetic searching for presents. Beatrice's life was such a gift to so many of us - and it reminds us of all the true gifts that you can't buy; courage, determination, patience, strength and, most of all, love.

Your poem is beautiful Cup. x

trumpton Sun 25-Nov-12 02:48:52

Wonderful words Cup . Your love shines through. Fly on through the sun lit meadows little butterfly .

saffronwblue Sun 25-Nov-12 03:58:15

Thinking of you cup and the precious love between you and Beatrice.

MNP Mon 26-Nov-12 00:31:42

So beautiful Cup.

fluffypillow Mon 26-Nov-12 19:42:43

Just perfect. Beautiful words for your beautiful girl x

QOD Mon 26-Nov-12 19:50:16

sad

Squiglettsmummy2bx Mon 26-Nov-12 21:31:56

Perfect words which brought a tear to my eye. I think of your family often Cup x

IwishIwasmoreorganised Mon 26-Nov-12 21:36:31

Your writing moves me to tears Cup.

Your vast love for Bea is clear for all to see. That will never die, neither will what she and you have taught us all.

moajab Mon 26-Nov-12 23:37:29

A beautiful poem Cup for your beautiful little girl. I haven't posted for a while, but I still often think of Bea. I don't think MN will ever forget her - she touched so many of our hearts.

OrangeChicken Tue 27-Nov-12 01:27:33

Such beautiful words and as always, moving me to tears...

I thought of you all throughout the day on Saturday... a month since your dear little Bea fluttered up and away ...

Sending hugs ...

trumpton Tue 27-Nov-12 04:43:51

I am back from my few days away and wanted you know that I have been thinking about you. X

Four4me Tue 27-Nov-12 21:14:43

Thinking of you xxxx

Today I had to take dd1 to the hospital for an appointment with her ENT consultant. It was the first time back there since Beatrice died. I saw 2 of the play specialists as I drove by, then during dd1's consultation, a doctor poked his head round the corner. He looked at me for a second too long, then retreated. It was the doctor who certified that Beatrice had died. Of all the doctors in a large hospital...

I hated being there without Beatrice. My arms ache for her. I physically yearn to hold her. I keep looking at her photos- I can't believe her beauty. I can't believe she's gone. I hate that I couldn't save her. I held her as she died in my arms and a mum isn't supposed to do that. A mum is meant to make it all better. She trusted me and I let her die.

I'm so sorry Beatrice. I'm so sorry I couldn't make you stay. And I'm even more sorry I couldn't go with you. We did everything together and now you're voyaging alone. I hope you aren't as lonely as I am. I miss you so much. So, so much.

KateUnrulyBush Wed 28-Nov-12 01:13:39

A trip back to hospital must have been, and obviously was, very hard on you Cup. I know everything you're feeling is a normal part of grieving but please try to be kind to yourself and remember that you really did do absolutely everything you could possibly have done for Bea. And then the rest. You really did, Cup. She could not have asked for a better mum.

We've all said this before because it's true but I really do believe she came to you for a reason and that is that no-one could have either loved her more or seen to it that every single moment of her life was filled with love.

Try and remember that.

With love xx

trumpton Wed 28-Nov-12 02:50:44

That must have been so hard for you and you are so brave to have taken your daughter to her appointment . Just one more way that you show us what a wonderful mother you are . Nobody loved Bea more than you and nobody can make a poor tired body go on no matter how strong the love . She is not voyaging alone, you know, she is still surrounded and cocooned in her family's love .

Cup, like you, I was so worried and sad that Mia was alone, not in my arms where she should be. However, my father gave me an image which I still cling to, about heaven, or at least another place, and maybe it will help you too. He suggested that parallel universes do exist, and perhaps Mia is with MrMia and I in another parallel universe, being busy and happy. I would like to think that Bea is with you and the Teaset there too, being the stupendous, amazing little person she is.

Since then, I have had a dream where Mia was in a house with lots of children I didn't recognise, and while I was told I couldn't interfere with their playing, it was wonderful to see. It was incredibly consoling to see her. I do believe that perhaps I caught a glimpse of this parallel universe, as they were all so happy together.

I know this won't take away your daily pain as you miss Beatrice, but perhaps it might provide a little comfort in some way.

thewhistler Wed 28-Nov-12 07:42:00

Cup,

Your poem expresses your love and heartache, and this searing post as well.

Of course you want her and to be with her, and will always want that. But you were the best mother for her, noone could have done more or loved her more. As much as you loved her, and love her, so the grief is deep.

Would the thought of Mary at the foot of the Cross help? You and she are together there, with every mother who has lost their child.

You did the best you could and there was no more that anyone on earth could do.

I will try to slope out at lunch and light a candle for you. If I don't manage I will light a candle in my mind.

fraktion Wed 28-Nov-12 09:04:23

cup you are so brave and that poem so beautiful. I pray that you may find some peace, although the pain and the grief will never go away, just like Bea will never go away.

EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin Wed 28-Nov-12 10:31:00

sad I think as a mother you cannot believe that you are not able to save your child. It isn't natural to us. We would quite literally do anything to save their life. And the fact we couldn't is beyond us.

But you did everything humanly possible that you could. You know that.
We know that. And Beatrice knows that.

As another lovely mum has said Beatrice is tucked safely in your heart. Always.

JustFabulous Wed 28-Nov-12 18:25:28

You didn't let her die. You did everything you could for her and she knew how much you loved her.

CaroleService Wed 28-Nov-12 19:03:30

Nobody but you could have kept her alive so long.

TCOB Wed 28-Nov-12 21:27:37

You gave her life, cup - two times over. You brought this magnificent person into the world, then you gave her a life nobody believed she could have - because you love her so.

And she is not alone, because your love is too strong and too powerful to disppear, and hers too. You are mother and daughter forever.

moajab Wed 28-Nov-12 23:02:41

You didn't let Bea die. You let her live. When she was born the doctors told you there was no hope. How often did you feel they were just waiting for her to die? But you didn't settle for that. You made sure that Bea had a life full of love, new experiences and sparkly lights! None of us know how long we're going to be here. All we can do is make sure the time we have is as rich as possible. You did that for Bea. I know I can't begin to comprehend the pain you are feeling, but please be proud of the life you gave to Bea. xxx

pannetone Wed 28-Nov-12 23:03:17

Just wanted to say Cup that you let Beatrice live and in time I hope you will find comfort and truth in that.

Still praying x

MNP Thu 29-Nov-12 14:54:50

Oh Cup, I am very sure lots of people join you in missing Bea's smile and large presence. Take care of yourself and your DD's.

Carrotcakeisace Thu 29-Nov-12 19:13:53

Oh Cup, you did not fail Bea, you gave her the most amazing life, packed full of love and experience. I remember your first posts when it seemed she would never even leave hospital. Moajab is right you gave her the most amazing life. If I could take away your pain I would and I'm so sorry I can't. I can only tell you what you feel is a natural part of grieving and I know it sucks. I hope this might help a little

"The caterpillar dies so the butterfly could be born. And, yet, the caterpillar lives in the butterfly and they are but one. So, when I die, it will be that I have been transformed from the caterpillar of earth to the butterfly of the universe."- John Harricharan

Cup, you did not let her die, you willed her so much not to.
Of course no mother should ever have to hold her beloved child's body, but even when she had to go, you were right there with her.
The trip to the hospital must have been harrowing for you. How did your DD1 cope?
The physical ache of empty arms is the body's way of recognising what you have lost, just as your emotions are in turmoil due to your love for Beatrice having no target in this life anymore.

As ever, you are in my thoughts.
The fact that you are putting on foot in front of the other, being there for your family, writing so beautifully on here, is testament to your strength.

WilsonFrickett Fri 30-Nov-12 00:22:47

As a long-time Teaset lurker who worries about getting the words wrong: you fought for that baby. You fought for her, every second of every day. You fought for her every breath. You fought for her life. Please don't ever think you 'let' her die - you let her live.

Squiglettsmummy2bx Fri 30-Nov-12 14:16:56

Cup I lurk often & think of you & Bea a lot. As everyone has said you did not let her die. Look back at your very first post when Bea was born, you never thought you would bring her home yet not only did you do that you created a million amazing memories with her, you made that beautiful smile happen, you helped her live as long as she did, you did an amazing job as her mummy. Your love shines through in every post so please don't blame yourself you let her live x
Love & hugs xxx

mignonette Fri 30-Nov-12 14:26:32

Cup

My car is out of action and I took a taxi today. The driver got talking to me and told me about his son (Lee) who would now be 18 years old if he had lived. I asked him if his son had grown up in his mind and he said yes, Lee had and he derived some comfort from that. Lee was 8 months when he died.

There is an 'army' of parents out there holding their loss close to them. If you can, tell strangers about beautiful Beatrice. Most people will want to hear about her and that way, she continues to be part of not only your life, but the lives of others too. Beatrice may not be physically with you but she is part of this Earth's rich narrative, its story and always will be.......

thewhistler Fri 30-Nov-12 16:30:06

Cup, also to say that this is a normal part of grieving, you did the best you could, she had a wonderful life with you, the best she could, but if course you will ask yourself if you or others could have done more. You couldn't have done so, but your reaction is that of every mother and every bereaved person.

I've added some of her last photos, and a couple of her garden.

I don't know why I am bothering to get in the Christmas mood- it's too futile this year. I just can't believe she's gone. I keep thinking I will see her again, it's driving me crazy. I just look at the lights and the happy families- we used to be one of those. For 13 months we were a happy family. Not anymore. I stood in the shopping centre on Friday where my dd1 was singing with hr school choir. I looked at all the lights and giants butterflies on display and cried. Right there in the middle of the shopping centre. I managed to dab my tears away and I don't think anyone saw. It's so unfair, why should all the other babies and toddlers enjoy Christmas when Beatrice can't?

JustFabulous Sun 02-Dec-12 17:40:37

sad

I just don't know what to say. No words can ever make things okay.

trumpton Sun 02-Dec-12 18:06:30

Oh Sweetheart she looks lovely in that last photo you posted. Her bunches are so sweet.
Tears will never be far away for you especially at times when the rest of the world seems happy.
I know that we can say nothing to comfort you but please know that we are thinking of you. I was looking at my sparkly butterflies today that I had next to Beatrice's candle on the day of her funeral and I sent a little prayer to her.
She will always be part of your family, your third little girl. X

Beautiful, beautiful Beatrice.

It IS so unfair sad.
I know how hard this time of year especially must be for you, cup.
I hope you can find some peace somewhere along the festive season.
I do not have faith, but like the serene and calm side of Christmas - the candles and choirs singing carols and the slowing down of everything (I go out of my way to avoid insane Christmas preparations) during the actual holidays and the getting together of families.
Your family will have a dreadful void in it, but hopefully you can give each other comfort.

thewhistler Sun 02-Dec-12 18:16:47

Oh cup, I do feel for you. It is so hard, especially at this time of year, for those left behind.

It's not going to get easier in the short term either.

Have DH and you thought about bereavement counselling?

Hulababy Sun 02-Dec-12 18:19:46

A beautiful little girl.
I am sorry she couldn't stay with you longer. It's so unfair. I'm so sorry.

expatinscotland Sun 02-Dec-12 18:20:59

Aw, cup. Am not bothering with Christmas this year. Going to my sister's and letting her take over for DD2 and DS and just not even thinking about how that we will never, ever see Aillidh again (I don't have faith or religion, either).

Mintyy Sun 02-Dec-12 18:25:22

Heartbreaking for you Cup and Expat and all other bereaved parents. Am so very sorry that you have to go through so much pain.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen Sun 02-Dec-12 19:10:51

lOve to both Beatrice and Aillidh

SaintVera Sun 02-Dec-12 19:15:51

Cup, I can't offer any words of comfort as I know how dreadful this is. I lost my disabled son in July. Christmas is an endurance test.

All I can say is, you have every right to cry. I too cry all over the place. I have found churches places of comfort - I find ones that are open in the day, go in on my way to the shops, light a candle and sob. Then I leave and carry on shopping. I am an atheist but God bless the CofE for giving me shelter in my agony xxx

thewhistler Tue 04-Dec-12 09:35:56

Cup,

Not sure if this would help, but today's Times carries an article about the charity Cruse, who provide bereavement counsellors in RL. There was a touching article by someone who said that her counsellor got her through by bring there when she wanted to talk and reassuring her about the normality of her grief and helping .

I don't know if that would help you or DH but it might be worth contacting them.

I agree about churches. They are great places to cry, about the only ones except for libraries.

MorningPurples Thu 06-Dec-12 08:24:53

That is a lovely photo of Beatrice with her little bunches - beautiful. I wish she could still be there with you.

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Thu 06-Dec-12 14:01:11

Christmas is really hard when you'd rather just climb under the duvet and ignore the world sad

You are doing well to get through each day and to be there for the Big Girls.

Lots of love and strength.

CotherMuckingDude Thu 06-Dec-12 21:17:49

I think of you everyday and I'm praying for.... I don't know really. Strength to get through each day normally. But I also ask God to give you peace in your heart. I really hope you get that.

Trumpton Thu 06-Dec-12 22:31:20

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below,
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting in the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
for it is beyond description, to hear the Angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain within your heart,
But I am not so far away. We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me dear ones. You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I send you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above,
I send you each a memory of my undying love,
After all "LOVE" is the gift, more precious than pure gold,
It was the most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my father said to do,
For I can't count the blessing or love He has for each of you,
So have a peaceful Christmas and wipe away that tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

Anon

Daer Cup,
I hope you dont mind me posting this but it resonated within me. Peace to you and yours.

Only ever a heartbeat away....

thewhistler Sat 08-Dec-12 23:54:16

Cup, thinking of you in this dark time when the lights will seem so hurtful.

cafecito Sun 09-Dec-12 01:37:51

cupoftea I've taken a lengthy MN break (a few years) but I have read your and Beatrice's story. I am absolutely moved by how eloquently you write about her and what happened. Your love for her is so powerful, she was so loved.

I'm really posting because it struck a chord with me, after spending months and months HDU/ward/PICUing with my DD she died when she was only a bit older than Beatrice, she was 14 months old. That was nearly 4 years ago.

Some days I don't know how I've survived. Others I know how I survive, by not even registering it as reality. I am usually fine but found DDs PICU book and lock of hair the other day in a white envelope, didn't know what it was, opened it up and it hit me all over again, a tidal wave of agony and disbelief.

Keep posting, keep writing, keep talking. PM anytime. I don't yet know where you are geographically but if near London I'm happy to meet you (don't mean to patronise, but it can be so isolating).

Thoughts are with you. Something that helped me, though it sounds silly, was this:

eternal presence, glancing light, does not depend on touch or sight

EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin Mon 10-Dec-12 19:01:31

Dear cup just thinking about and Beatrice and sending hugs.

zebrafinch Tue 11-Dec-12 03:30:53

Thinking about all the Teaset

JustFabulous Tue 11-Dec-12 09:33:40

I have been thinking about you, cup and the rest of your family.

Thank you for thinking of us, and thank you for the poem and best wishes.

Nothing changes. Life is very normal and dull without her. No living on a knife edge, no racing here, there and everywhere for appointments. No corners to fight, no meds to give, no feeds to prepare, no nappies to change, no outfits to choose,no oxygen to administer, no sats to monitor, no walks to take, no physio, no swimming, no conductive education, no hospice, no music therapy, no nurse visits. But above all, no warmth in my arms, no smiles, no kisses to give, no songs to sing, no gentle squeezes and stories to read. No snuggles with blankets, no music and lights.

Nothing. That's it now for me.

Things go on around me, I participate when I can. I think I say the right things and go to the right places at the right times. I keep the house clean, the fridge stocked, food on the table, clothes clean, children tidy, homework done, teeth brushed, hair styled, Christmas presents bought, nativities attended, after school commitments mostly kept. I've even been socialising on a regular basis.

But I'm not living anymore. I drag my feet and exist. I smile and laugh, but I don't feel.

God, I miss her. So, so much.

JustFabulous Tue 11-Dec-12 16:14:12

Your pain is tangible and I just wish there was something that someone could do to ease it a little.

You loved Bea so much and had so many people who never met her thinking of her. You still love Bea. We still think of her.

TCOB Tue 11-Dec-12 21:27:38

I am just so sorry. I can't express how much. It's wrong and unfair that she isn't here, and I know all the words in the world can't give you back what you want and deserve so much - more snuggles with your lovely, lovely girl.

InExitCelsisDeo Tue 11-Dec-12 22:38:40

For Bea, Cup. You have to do it for Bea. You have to live the life she didn't. Please.

eightytwenty Tue 11-Dec-12 22:43:58

Cup. Thinking of you often. Hoping you can let joy for life is able to re-enter your world. Even if the pain of losing her does not fade. I think it is eventually possible to live with joy and pain running in tandem.

I was thinking of you too tonight Cup.

isawginhagnickingsantasbooze Tue 11-Dec-12 23:02:39

Cup, I don't think I have posted on your threads before and I don't have anything to say that could possibly make you feel better.

I'm so, so sorry that you lost your beautiful Bea. Your love for her shines out in every word.

I have never had such an urge to put my arms around a complete stranger. For what it is worth I'm sending you love xx

cup yes, the nothingness is so hard to deal with. But you are showing the strength of spirit we all know you have by simply existing, let alone socialising and ensure your girls have a lovely Christmas. That is really quite momentous. A year ago, I could not have done it. MrMia and I ran away from Christmas. You are facing it head on. Because of your huge capacity for love for your children.

I promise that as each day passes, things will become a little easier. The pain of losing Beatrice does not disappear, but you somehow integrate it better. I was scared I would forget Mia. You don't. All the memories are there, and you will find them in unexpected moments, and they will make you smile.

One step at a time, one breath at a time...

Trumpton Wed 12-Dec-12 08:19:02

Oh Cup . I feel so much pain for you . I went to a Christingle service on Sunday and as I watched the rapt faces of the children illuminated in the candlelight I sent a prayer for Bea and love to you .
Be gentle with yourself and one foot in front of the other ... Little steps my lovely .

Learning70 Wed 12-Dec-12 13:20:24

Hi Cup. My story is completely different to yours. My dad died last week so of course we are facing a funeral before Xmas, and other issues ongoing with my son who is SN (but not ill). You have been through so much and I am not comparing my situation to yours, but this is what I am doing to survive right now - the bare minimum. I know I am not myself but like you, I am keeping on top of the basics. I have a few unpleasant meetings and appointments to get through as well as the funeral and that's pretty much all I am focussing on. Of course kids presents are bought, tree is up and I am going to tiptoe my way through the whole thing. I think it's perfectly ok to feel the way you do. Keep talking on here to everyone, even the bad stuff, let it out. And don't disappear over Xmas, keep talking it through, I'm sure lots of people will continue to look out for your posts through the season - and will you through it. You will get through this, it will always hurt but you will get through. It's a gorgeous day today, the best kind of day, frosty and sunny. I would normally be out there for a walk or a run, but I can't do it at the moment, all I can feel is the cold. But I know I will get out there again. You will too. If I've said all the wrong things I'm sorry, just want to try and help you through it.

Cup, you have had hardly any time to "deal" with a year's worth of ups and downs, it's amazing that you are doing as well as you are. Surviving is all you can do right now and that's what you are doing. I can not imagine the pain you feel, but know that you are doing your very best - please don't do yourself down and think you are failing, you're not.

saffronwblue Wed 12-Dec-12 21:17:50

Thinking of you cup. There is nothing wrong with just going through the motions to survive. The loss of Bea has been so huge, there aren't enough words or tears.

Hassled Wed 12-Dec-12 21:22:18

My heart breaks for you - I'm just so sorry.

fluffypillow Wed 12-Dec-12 21:27:31

So,so sorry you are going through this cup. No words I can offer will make you feel better, but just want you to know I think of you and little Bea often x

Carrotcakeisace Thu 13-Dec-12 11:28:39

Cup I have nothing to add, other than to say you are in my thoughts and prayers. No one can take away your pain, althought we all wish we could but you are held in so much love and light and I hope you feel it around you as a comfort in the dark

SaintVera Thu 13-Dec-12 15:19:36

cup I am so sorry for your emptiness. Life with my disabled son who died in July, was always adrenalin-fuelled. His behaviour was challenging, so every outing came with anxieties. Then there were appointments, visits from OT's, social workers, physios, all the committees I sat on for my son and so much more..for 16 years.

I always knew that despite all the immense stress of life with him, he kept depression from my door because I was too busy to be down.

We don't only miss a child with all our hearts and soul, we miss a meaning and a role in life. Sometimes I longed to be a 'normal' family but I hate it now. I sincerely hope life starts bringing us joy eventually xx

thewhistler Thu 13-Dec-12 23:34:14

Cup,

Well done for keeping going at all. Your dds will unknowingly appreciate it. The discipline of keeping up outside appearances is very useful.

But use this thread to rant and storm and weep at the unfairness and hollowness of it all and the blanks.

Do try to look after yourself too and find some time for you, unless that is unbearable and business is the thing that keeps you going.

How is Mr Cup? Is he using work still as his shield?

You are in my thoughts and prayers too.

TCOB Sun 16-Dec-12 20:02:25

Thinking of you and Bea so often, Cup. How are you and your Teaset?

Trumpton Mon 17-Dec-12 04:50:17

Middle of the night post again . Sending you love and strength through the dark miles x

MNPdoesYULETIDE Tue 18-Dec-12 14:15:43

Thinking of you Cup

Another Butterfly joined your Bea nearly a month ago, we get to say our farewells to her this week, her DD will have lots of people to tell her stories of her Butterfly Mummy, as you have stories of your Butterfly Bea to tell.

bishboschone Thu 20-Dec-12 09:38:30

Another one thinking about you cup .

JustFabulous Thu 20-Dec-12 13:27:36

DD has stuck several butterflies on her drawers and every time I see them I think of Beatrice and your whole family, Cup.

Feel so sad and lonely. Dh is back to working all hours so I've got no support at home. I tried to meet up with a couple of people today but they were too busy, so I've had no adult company all day, just bickering children who can't do a single thing they are asked.

I hate Christmas this year. I've had to do all the bloody present buying and wrapping myself (nothing unusual, but a bit of support from dh wouldn't have gone amiss this year).

I'm pig sick of reading FB statuses about people's excitement for their babies' Christmas presents etc The only present I could buy my baby was a decoration to put on her grave.

I want to run far, far away and never come back. I hate what is left of my life.

JustFabulous Fri 21-Dec-12 16:27:54

[[[hugs]]] pointless I know but I have no idea what to post as nothing can make you feel better.

I could say how I feel when I read your posts but that doesn't help but maybe actually it does to know total strangers are thinking of you and are so so heartbroken for you.

If you can't tell dh you need help, could you text him? Let him know how you feel and what you need from him.

The children are excited but still need to do as you say and however you need to make that happen, do it.

Sorry if this is just a load of annoying rubbish.

DutchOmainthestable Fri 21-Dec-12 16:30:35

When will the children be in bed?

thewhistler Fri 21-Dec-12 16:31:26

Cup, am about to pm you.

Will think of you over what is often the most heart rending season for many people.

InExitCelsisDeo Fri 21-Dec-12 18:38:11

Thinking of you Cup. My heart aches for you and your loss.

Badvocsanta Fri 21-Dec-12 18:44:15

Oh cup sad
I haven't posted for a while but you are constantly on my mind, especially now as Xmas approaches.
Please please be kind to yourself x

beckyboo232 Fri 21-Dec-12 18:46:31

My heart breaks for you cup. I want to write something useful but. There are no words to help i sadly know but if there were I would say them. sending love and strength i will be thinking of you x

janey68 Fri 21-Dec-12 19:51:31

Cupoftea, I am so so sorry you are having to live without Beatrice. Your life does have meaning: for your other two children, your husband and also for yourself. It's not the life you would have chosen but it still has meaning even if you can't feel it now.
I hope the dark cloud lifts and you feel some glimpses of sunlight soon

saffronwblue Fri 21-Dec-12 19:56:20

Thinking of you cup.x

Trumpton Fri 21-Dec-12 21:35:26

Oh sweetheart this is so hard for you. Sending you loving thoughts. When I wake during the night I will think of you.

thewhistler Sat 22-Dec-12 20:02:38

Cup, thinking of you. You nay not have meaning for yourself atm but as others have said, you do for others.

Hang on in there.

You have to work from outside in, making the discipline of your duty to others hold you up and provide s structure, while your mind and to some extent your body come to terms with it. You are obviously doing it magnificently at the moment that your DH doesn't see the need to be with you.

It is awful and is so hard. But chunk it up into little bits and it will become just a t
Little more copable with.

Thinking if you.

Lovethesea Sat 22-Dec-12 22:18:34

Praying because I have no idea what you need right now. But praying you get it in ocean loads.

CotherMuckingFunt Sun 23-Dec-12 18:36:33

Thinking of you. X

Squiglettsmummy2bx Sun 23-Dec-12 21:14:05

Cup I think of you & how you are doing every single day. Sending you hugs x

dublinmary Sun 23-Dec-12 22:52:16

God bless you Cup. We have no words that can help you but think of you often. Please take care of yourself and get though each hour as best you can.

Carrotcakeisace Mon 24-Dec-12 20:22:36

Sending you prayer, love and hugs. I will be thinking of you over the next few days x

OrangeChicken Mon 24-Dec-12 23:26:40

I know it has been 2 months today ... thinking of you all and hoping you get through Christmas as best you can.

moajab Tue 25-Dec-12 00:09:46

I often think of you and your family Cup and I will especially be thinking of you this Christmas. And I often think of Bea in all the sparkly lights. I can only begin to imagine how hard it is for you. Take care. xxx

sassytheFIRST Tue 25-Dec-12 00:22:22

Thinking of all the teaset and especially you, cup x

thewhistler Tue 25-Dec-12 09:46:54

Cup,

Thinking of you through today. I hope the Dds have a good Christmas and that there are smiles as well as tears.

Squiglettsmummy2bx Tue 25-Dec-12 09:47:52

Thinking of you all xxx

MovingOnNow Tue 25-Dec-12 15:19:39

Hope you get through today. X

lougle Tue 25-Dec-12 17:06:44

Merry Christmas Bea, and all the tea set x

CaroleService Tue 25-Dec-12 19:09:31

Thinking of you, Cup.

saffronwblue Tue 25-Dec-12 21:02:05

Cup you and your teaset have been in my thoughts today. X

saffronwblue Tue 25-Dec-12 21:02:06

Cup you and your teaset have been in my thoughts today. X

pannetone Tue 25-Dec-12 22:41:39

Thinking of you all today. I lit a candle for Beatrice at church. A little light to mark all the love and light she brought into so many lives. x

Trumpton Wed 26-Dec-12 06:53:53

I lit a candle yesterday and Bea's butterfly is on our tree. Look after yourself , cherish yourself and love yourself . You are an amazing mother .

Well we made it through Christmas, but it was so very empty. I'm dreading NY and having to go into a new year without her.

My dh went back to working shifts today, so that's it now, I'm on my own every evening. I'm not very good on my own, my mind wanders.

I thought tonight, I don't actually care if I live or die. It looks like my brother's cancer might be back- his last test results weren't good. He has his scan tomorrow, and I told him I wish I could take it from him, then at least he would live a long life and I might get to be with Beatrice again. How crazy is that? I'm not normal anymore. I'm morbid and cynical. And lonely. So, so lonely.

Please don't tell me to be grateful for my other children, or tell me that they need me. I look at them and all I see is the absence of Beatrice. They don't need me anymore, I bring nothing to their lives, they are always cross with me. They are lovely girls who deserve so much more than the train wreck that is me.

lougle Thu 27-Dec-12 23:45:03

cupoftea, who would dare tell you how to feel? I'm sorry that you feel as you do, but it's little wonder, because Bea was such a powerful girl in such a little body. The days will improve, gradually. You might not notice it, but one day you'll look back and see that it isn't as awful as it once was. Until then, keep telling everyone how awful it is - you don't have to pretend.

Northernlebkuchen Fri 28-Dec-12 00:23:19

You aren't a train wreck. You're grieving that's all. It's an all consuming terrible, terrible thing.

Strongecoffeeismydrug Fri 28-Dec-12 00:48:11

Thinking of you cup xx

eightytwenty Fri 28-Dec-12 09:00:25

Sorry cup. Have been thinking of you all over Xmas.

Have you got any rl support - eg cruse? It won't change anything but I still feel 10 years on that my mother would have benefitted from having a professional to talk to. Grief brought up ugly emotions in us both - which I am sure is entirely normal. But having someone to find the time to listen (without 'look on the bright side' comments) might be useful.

I am so sorry about your db too. Life can be crap

matildawormwood Fri 28-Dec-12 09:15:00

Dear Cup, I know that lonely feeling so well, it's the most unexpected thing about this horrible road that we're on, just how awfully lonely it is. I just want you to know that, sadly, the way you feel IS normal if you've lost a beloved child. Every word you write - not caring if you live or die, feeling disconnected from your living children, feeling morbid and cynical, and even the fact that your children seem angry with you because they know you are not the mum they once had, I am living every bit of that myself right now and though I can't take away any of the pain, I just want to say that you are not abnormal and I do understand. I wish I didn't but I do. xxx

janey68 Fri 28-Dec-12 09:37:24

Cupoftea-there are no words to take your pain away. But there are other mums on here who (tragically) do know how you feel and that your feelings are not 'abnormal' or 'wrong', they are feelings of real grief.

On a purely practical level, are there things Anyone can do to help you with the upcoming evenings when you know you're going to feel particularly alone? Anything to adapt your evening routine which may ease your feelings a bit? Nothing is going to take away the feelings but I'm sure there are many people in RL who would support you in any little way which might help.

Thinking of you all.

Thanks for the messages. I feel guilty because I do have lots of RL support from friends- I just need to make the call and I know they will be there. I just struggle especially at night time. That's when I feel so low and alone. Everything hurts more at night.

Matilda I'm sorry you know how I am feeling, but I am so thankful that you have suggested I'm not going as crazy as I think I am...

I'm going to try for a good day today. I'm taking dd2 out shopping for a while and for lunch. I HATE going to the shopping centre without Beatrice because my hands feel empty without pushing a buggy (I've pushed a buggy for one child or another for the last 7 years, now all of a sudden...). I also hate seeing all the mums and their babies and the pregnant ladies- I'm so jealous, I want MY baby girl who was so special and beautiful and worthy of love and life. Why can they keep their precious babies but mine was snatched away? I also hate going into Next, for example, and seeing the 3 months- 5 years section. I've always had a child to buy clothes for from that section of the shop. I used to enjoy picking bits out for Beatrice. Now I see that section as a taunt, laughing at me- 'Ha! You don't belong here, no-one to buy for, move along now.'

But, I have things I need to do, and I know that dd2 will enjoy a mooch about with me. She is currently trying to choose an outfit for me so I look pretty. Hmm, it's been a long time since I felt pretty! Anyway, the day is waiting for me, I'd better go and kick its butt.

DutchOmainthestable Fri 28-Dec-12 11:19:06

Well done, Cup for doing what you do with dd2. I know what you mean with there being a lot of RL support, but you can't bring yourself to access it. Shall I ring you tonight around 9? Or would you prefer tomorrow? Or not, as you prefer. I'm here, but don't have to be 'in your face'.

thewhistler Fri 28-Dec-12 14:02:57

Cup, well done.

Grief is awful and this must be the worst, so sorry for you and Matilda.

You are sane. If you were on a high you would not be. If you were on a plain it would be even more concerning.

Children always get angry when their parents are fallible and there are curve beyond their control. It's a natural outlet.

Wish I could say something comforting, but just to say that I too think professional bereavement support has a lit going for it , when the time is right.

thekitchenfairy Fri 28-Dec-12 14:21:08

There are no words to take the pain away, no touch to replace the feel of Bea in your arms. I wish I could say something eloquent or constructive, but I just want you to know your posts always touch me to the core, you are an awesome woman, an inspiration to us all and you need to vent when you can. I am thinking of you today.

Thank you Dutch but I have an old friend coming over this evening to keep me company. You are very kind to think of me though. smile

Well I'm really glad I took dd2 shopping today. In all the upset and worry that Beatrice wouldn't see the beautiful decorations and lights, I hadn't really considered that the other girls would enjoy them too... blush She had a ride on the carousel and loved all the decorations. She marvelled at the big butterflies and commented that Beatrice would love them.

I've got to keep giving the girls experiences, rather than shying away from them because Beatrice can't share them too. It's not easy, but today gave me a lift.

janey68 Fri 28-Dec-12 19:01:21

So glad you had a better day x

RollingThunder Fri 28-Dec-12 19:25:22

Cup, I am in very different circumstances than you and wouldn't even start to compare. I just wanted to say that you have made me look at my own situation differently and I am very grateful.

It sounds like your dds 1and 2 see reminders of Bea in everything they do and everywhere they go, her footprint on the world is strong and will live through her sisters as well as you and her father.

DutchOmainthestable Fri 28-Dec-12 20:14:41

Glad you have some company, Cup. What do you mean:"kind to thik of me" I think of you all the time as very many others too. I've still got your teapot! grin

InExitCelsisDeo Fri 28-Dec-12 20:42:56

So pleased you had a more positive experience than you anticipated.

Hugs

MovingOnNow Fri 28-Dec-12 22:31:38

So happy you had a good day with your daughter. It's no comparison, but I lost my dad nearly 4 weeks ago and I think I was going through the motions a bit. Your post has reminded me that my oldest son hasn't been to see the lights either, I am going to get hub to take him this weekend :-). Good days and bad days. One day will be more good than bad.

minesapackofminstrels Sat 29-Dec-12 18:28:45

Glad you and dd2 enjoyed your day out. You aren't a train wreck although I understand you may feel different . I'm constantly amazed and inspired by your posts. Your post at 10.29 was just one example of how amazing you are. Taking dd2 out shopping, even though you HATE, HATE, HATE it and how awful it makes you feel but doing it all the same because you knew (rightly I might add) she would enjoy it.

I hope you find more of the days begin to be not quite as awful. xxx

thewhistler Sun 30-Dec-12 22:45:15

Well done, and I hope there are little bits of light for you sometimes, even if they seem a long way off.

It seems odd to say Happy New Year, and I can't see how you could feel happy atm but I do wish you a good year ahead, with the teaset, some how.

Trumpton Mon 31-Dec-12 03:27:23

Thinking of you through the night and holding you close in my thoughts . Sometimes pretending to enjoy things for another person opens a tiny space to let the real emotion of pleasure to glimmer .
Wishing you a calm and peaceful new year .

cup I'm sure you don't need to hear another sorry or condolence on top of the many before me but I wanted to add a message to you. I have lurked and posted during your journey with Bea and you are quite possibly the single most awe inspiring person I have ever had the opportunity to come across.

We made our own Christmas tree fairy this year...she has big sparkling blue butterfly wings and lots of white feathers...I thought of your Beatrice whilst DD and I put her together... We added stars this year and I put 9 on for my lost babies (MCs) and a few extra for Bea, Mia, Aillidh and all of the other babies and children lost by so many sad I can not empathise with how it feels to lose a child as it was hopes, dreams and thoughts that I grieve for but I know how I feel if I ever have a fleeting though of if I were to ever lose my DD and I can't even hold that thought for more than a second as it is unbearable sad

saffronwblue Tue 01-Jan-13 05:34:29

Glad you had a better day cup. You must know that no-one could judge you for how you feel and what you need to do to carry the enormous pain of your loss.

pannetone Tue 01-Jan-13 22:32:51

Thinking of you today Cup. At church I lit a candle for Beatrice and one for all of the Teaset. x

KateUnrulyBush Thu 03-Jan-13 21:35:49

Still here, Cup, I haven't posted for a while I'm sorry, not because I don't care anymore though, I just needed to keep away from this topic for my own reasons. Wanted you to know you are in my thoughts though, as we face what 2013 has in store for us.

x Kate

thewhistler Sun 06-Jan-13 19:52:45

Cup, thinking of you from the subcontinent.

Thinking of you and remembering your Bea

foofooyeah Mon 07-Jan-13 11:53:10

Cup, The new year is such a difficult time. The first year where you havent had Bea, the expectation of new things, the expectation that things will 'move on' and all you want to do is howl at the moon and be sad.

I hope that as the year progresses things become a little more bearable - but there will be terrible days and a few better days. Its just so bloody wrong that she isn't with you anymore, and the pain you feel must be so harsh and debilitating.

Thinking of you dear Cup.

Beatrice and her time with me is beginning to feel like a dream. She was with me so briefly, turned my life on its head, then left just as suddenly. I can't fathom how it was real?

I've got to go and see Dr Death on Wednesday for an appointment to discuss 'things'. I've no idea what I'm going to say.

I haven't been to her grave in so long. I have nothing to say to her there, I talk to her all the time in my head, I just don't think I can go there and do it. I know I need to choose her headstone soon, but I feel so disconnected from it all.

I wish she was still here. Somedays the pain is the only thing that reminds me she was real. What would she be doing now? How much would I smile as I gave her long, precious cuddles?

I go back to work, again, on Thursday. And then that's it I guess. Life is back to normal, Beatrice never existed, my dull life trundles along with no future, no joy. I'm so empty without her now but it's old news to everyone else.

Dutchoma Mon 07-Jan-13 13:21:44

No darling, Beatrice did exist and enriched your life so that it will never be the same again.
For those of us who have shared your journey it is not 'old hat' Only this morning I thought of you and how you were doing. In my mind I rocked you like a little one, hoping that my thoughts would somehow comfort you.
It is a hard journey you are travelling, but you are not alone.

JustFabulous Mon 07-Jan-13 14:01:35

Beatrice Primrose did exist and she is not old news to us. She is a MN baby and if we don't post as much it doesn't mean we aren't thinking of you, your family and Beatrice. It just means, in my case, I don't know what to say and feel like I am intruding. I think of Beatrice every time I see DD's butterflies on her drawers and when I walk past Next as that is where I bought her cheeky bibs from.

Beatrice Primrose existed. She changed your life. She changed mine. There was a testimony evening at church last night and I couldn't go for various reasons but if I had gone it would have been praying for Beatrice and for Aillidh that I would have talked about. I came back from our church weekend in 2011 thinking I should pray more, thinking I needed to be more upfront about praying for people - and there was your need and Beatrice's need. I prayed for her on this site, with mumsnetters, in a way I had never done before and it's changed me.
Beatrice won't ever be old news for us. She's your daughter, you are our friend. It's shared history.
I hope Thursday goes really well for you.

Beatrice did exist - and still does in your heart and your memories. And in mine.

Good luck for Thursday and your return to work (and for your conversation with Dr Death).

janey68 Mon 07-Jan-13 18:44:14

Beatrice existed. Her physical presence is no longer on earth, but the most important part of her, her spirit, soul, call it what you will, lives on. Please don't think she's forgotten.

Cup - thinking about meeting Dr Death. The consultants I work with will now all mostly offer bereaved families a chance to meet with them after a death. Not necessarily because there is anything 'new' to say but because talking over decisions and events can be useful for evryone. If you don't have any outstanding questions about Bea's care then say so. I have always thought from your accounts of her, that Dr D was always trying to ensure that you and dh were not taken by surprise should Beatrice become seriously ill and die. I think she over-did that somewhat - hence her name - but I have always had the impression that she was trying to be honest, brutally honest, about Beatrice's prospects. If tha is something you felt, that might be an area for discussion. Managing Bearice's care is part of Dr Death's career journey now. If there are things she did well she should know it, if there are things she could do better she should know that to. Most of all though Wednesday should be about YOU and addressing anything you want to talk about. I know you found the hospice services useful. That might be something to bring up because as I recall she took her time over the referral didn't she? If you talk to her about that you may make another parent's journey easier in time. Just another way in which Beatrice Primrose changed lives.

Squiglettsmummy2bx Tue 08-Jan-13 00:37:46

Oh cup she existed. I think if her & you often. You don't need to go to her grave if you don't feel like it, she is with you always, where ever you may be.
Sending you hugs xxx

OrangeChicken Tue 08-Jan-13 01:26:57

Beatrice existed. She is not old news ... This morning as I brushed my younger daughter's hair I thought it is almost long enough to tie up in a topknot...and that reminded me of your little Bea. And then I thought gosh Bea had long hair for a little girl just turned one. And i smiled when I thought of her lovely face I have only seen in pictures. And I thought of her when my girls put sparkly butterfly decorations on our Christmas tree. And I thought of you all on New Year's Day going into a year without the precious little one physically being here. You see Bea lives on for so many people, even those of us who never met her. We may not post so much now, but that doesn't mean that Bea is viewed as old news, not at all.
Good luck for both Wednesday and Thursday ...both are likely to be an exhausting mix of emotions, but you will get through them...

saffronwblue Tue 08-Jan-13 09:16:58

Cup Beatrice was very real to me although I never met her. You were brave enough to share your feelings and experience with us all and I feel so enriched by your generosity in doing this.
I hope your meeting with Dr Death helps you in some way.

Thinking of you today smile

Dutchoma Wed 09-Jan-13 09:48:15

And prayers from me too. I have a 'free' day today, so if you want to text I am available.

foofooyeah Wed 09-Jan-13 12:25:03

I so hope today is not too upsetting - thinking of you.

Beatrice is known and loved WORLDWIDE - she is a famous little girl! She wont be forgotten by us but she will always always be your very special girl.

Trumpton Wed 09-Jan-13 14:52:29

Bea the Beautiful will always be in our thoughts . When I wake at night I think of your special little girl . She brought so much into so many people's lives .
Wishing you strength for today and everyday .
And every stitch of any knitting I do has a bit of love for Bea knitted into it to send out into the world .

needasilverlining Wed 09-Jan-13 21:44:47

Cup, I've never posted on one of your threads before but I've followed them and you've been much in my thoughts.

Bea is still real to me, too. I've wept and smiled and gasped reading your descriptions of life with her, and have always been in awe of the sheer power of your love and capacity for joy and hope.

The two of you define what love really can be, for me, and I feel grateful to you both for that.

Beatrice Primrose mattered. She still matters. So do you.

eightytwenty Wed 09-Jan-13 22:44:25

Thinking of you cup. Hope the meeting was not too distressing.

Will be thinking of you as you go back to work

SunsetMojito Thu 10-Jan-13 13:30:25

I have followed your family's story and often check up to see how you are but I've never posted so I hope you don't mind me doing so now.

Beatrice mattered very much. She will always be part of your family, you will always be her Mum and you will all hold her in your hearts forever.

This is a truly terrible time, just take each day as it comes without thinking ahead and don't expect anything from yourself. Congratulate yourself on anything at all that you manage and don't berate yourself about anything you don't. Treat yourself as you would a best friend.

Love and prayers x

mynameis Thu 10-Jan-13 13:40:07

Another follower of all your beautifully written threads about Beatrice

I too think of her often and know that she will always be in the memories of so many of us here.

thewhistler Thu 10-Jan-13 17:11:56

Cup,

How did yesterday go? And today, back at school?

Of course you are feeling empty, that everything is a sham or just on the surface. And you are a shadow.

You are normal, you are being what is natural to someone in your state.

On one level you are empty because you have been running for so long on adrenalin that when it stops the whole system crashes.

You are doing well to keep going with the daily round, the common task. If at some stage you can't and you need to stop, that is normal too. These things can't be rushed, they take the time they need.

This is a different reality from your previous one, at some stage this too will seem dreamlike. But both exist.

And most of all the love exists. And continues. Noone can ever take that away

You are not old news to us. Everytime you come on here you are news and we want to hear it.

So cherish yourself even if it seems a complete waste of time.

And we are always here, in dribs and drabs and from time to time, with our various experiences but drawn together by common concern.

thewhistler Thu 10-Jan-13 17:15:04

Ps, you don't have to do the headstone straight away, till you are ready to.

DH has only just done one for a much loved family member after about 5 years.

JustFabulous Thu 10-Jan-13 17:36:24

Thinking of you. Your baby brought strangers together in a way no one else could and we are all so sorry she has left this Earth.

Four4me Fri 11-Jan-13 20:53:31

I don't get on mn often but I do often think about you and Bea and the other dd's.

I hope this week hasn't been too difficult.

For what it's worth I think you are an amazing person, who has lived through the most emotional rollercoster that any person ever could. You are still there for you girls and putting one foot in front of the other. Bea must be so proud of you xx

Continuing to think of you.

MNPin2013 Sun 13-Jan-13 23:44:15

Thinking of you and the Teaset, Cup.

I hate 7pm. It used to be the time when Beatrice needed the most medicines. Then I'd change her feed over, and get her into her pyjamas. I'd carry her, with her feed pump, trailing her oxygen tubing behind us, up the stairs and we'd all snuggle on dd2's bed and read a story. Then the big girls would snuggle down (they like to share a bed) and I would sing them all a medly of old lullabies that my dad would sing to me when I was small. I'd always finish with Somewhere Over Thw Rainbow then sneak out with Beatrice.
Once in our room, I'd attach the Sats monitor to her foot, zip her into a sleeping bag and give her more kisses and cuddles before laying her, almost upright, in her cot. I'd turn her mobile on, and she'd watch it until she fell asleep. She was such a good girl. I'd turn on the baby monitor and slip out, not before whispering to her again just how much I loved her.
I hate 7pm.

Trumpton Mon 14-Jan-13 19:16:04

Oh Darling , my heart aches for you. The emptiness that Beatrice has left in your life resonates in your writing. I send you love and gentle thoughts .

moajab Mon 14-Jan-13 22:48:18

Oh Cup there are no words except to say that I am thinking of you. And that I will never forget Bea. And I am in awe if the fact that even in the midst of your grief and pain, the love you have for Bea still shines through so strongly in your words. x

thewhistler Tue 15-Jan-13 18:56:04

Coming up to 7 again now, and thinking of your loving routine, very moving, very lovely.

Lots of love for you and the teaset, and I will think of you at this time.

LittlePebble Tue 15-Jan-13 19:18:02

Hi Cup I haven't posted for a long time but have been lurking. I

LittlePebble Tue 15-Jan-13 19:19:19

Sorry. Just wanted to say how often I think of you and Bea and how sorry I am for you all to have to miss her so. X

TCOB Tue 15-Jan-13 20:35:30

what a lovely routine. what an amazing family. what a good, magical, love-filled little child - what a poor world it would have been with her never having been here spreading her magic.

I was telling DH about your trip to Lourdes earlier. I loved the pictures of your 3 girls in the high meadows.

Hold those memories close Cup, and treasure what you had.

Thumbwitch Wed 16-Jan-13 03:05:45

Hi Cup
Haven't posted for a while but have been thinking about you. I hope your howling wilderness is starting to abate somewhat and your DDs are helping to show you that there are oases within it.

You are so strong, I know you can find the strength now to live without Bea as you did live with her. She is never gone, though - always with you and your family, in your hearts and minds.

Much love xx

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Wed 16-Jan-13 03:22:47

Hi Cup, I haven't posted in a while. I feel like everything I want to say to you will just annoy you and I don't want to do that. I do think of you pretty much everyday and wish I could bear some of this pain for you. Good Luck for Thursday, lots of love & strength xxx

MNPin2013 Wed 16-Jan-13 23:43:50

Such a lovely bedtime routine Cup.

CaroleService Thu 17-Jan-13 14:29:30

Oh Cup.

((((()))))

I wish I had more and better words.

thewhistler Thu 17-Jan-13 19:12:38

Thinking of you.

Somersaults Sun 20-Jan-13 11:01:37

Just stopping in to say that you are often in my thoughts and prayers xx

bumpybecky Sun 20-Jan-13 11:04:19

still thinking of you Cup xx

thewhistler Sun 20-Jan-13 18:54:40

Thinking of you at the difficult loving time, Cup

((Hugs))

CarrieDon Tue 22-Jan-13 09:54:51

Remembering your lovely little girl the hoping you're finding life bit more bearable. xx

eightytwenty Tue 22-Jan-13 13:13:17

Cup. Keep thinking of you, bea and the teaset. Dont post as often as I should. But please don't think you're forgotten. Hope you had some snow fun this weekend. Your 7pm routine with bea sounds so lovely. No wonder you miss it.

Lilithmoon Tue 22-Jan-13 18:59:02

I don't know what to say, but I think of you and your family often. x

thewhistler Wed 23-Jan-13 19:26:49

Cup, remembering you in these dark days

ohmeohmy Wed 23-Jan-13 20:00:04

I too think of Bea, she is not old news at all. I thought of her today when my dd spoke of butterflies dancing on a mountain top. It is a long and sometimes lonely road you are on, somewhere along the way you will find joy again in the meantime there are many people her who will listen to anything you wish to say.

Still here. Thinking of you and remembering your Beatrice

Moominsarehippos Wed 23-Jan-13 20:11:04

Beatrice has become a bit of a Mumsnet 'legend'. Her picture pops into my mind (what a sweetie) often when I am feeling contemplative, and if I'm in church, I say a little extra prayer for her.

She has touched so many people - and we haven't even met her, so I can only imagine what a beautiful spirit she had to those who knew and loved her. We won't forget her and her story, and that is a very special thing - thank you for sharing such a private and precious thing with us all

You should be proud that your little girl has touched so many people.

Not sure if I am spiritual, but someone once told me that my late fathers 'job' in heaven/beyond/whatever you call it, was to meet the new young spirits and get them 'adjusted'. He would have adored to meet Bea - all us girls in the family looked similar to little Bea.

Thank you for remembering her, it means so much. 3 months today since she left me. It's hard to picture her face some days, she seems so far away. The pain reminds me of her, at least when I am hurting I know she was real. Sometimes I think I dreamed her up, like I never could have been given such a beautiful gift, how could she have been real? People don't talk about her, so she feels even more dream-like, as if my memories are just products of my imagination. I love it when people talk about her but I know it makes them sad and uncomfortable, so they don't.
Dh took a picture of her grave today as I can't bring myself to go there. It is covered in snow which she would have hated. She didn't like being cold, and when we gave her some snow to hold last winter, she was not impressed! I hope she's not ashamed of me, that I don't go to her grave. I tell her I'm sorry, that my hurt bruises and twists when I go there, that Daddy is better than me. I hope she forgives me for being selfish.
I sleep clutching one of the last dresses she wore. It hasn't been washed, but it doesn't smell of her anymore. Those scents are long gone- banished into Forgotten, where I'm not allowed to visit.
Bad day today.

ohmeohmy Thu 24-Jan-13 19:15:44

You don't need to go the grave to be near her, it doesn't make you anything less than your DH or any less loving as her mum. She would never be ashamed of you, you were the perfect mother for her.be kind to yourself.

eightytwenty Thu 24-Jan-13 19:15:52

It's still early days cup. Please be as gentle on yourself as you would be to others. You don't need to visit a grave to remember. My mother still can't visit my father's grave on her own - 10 years later.

Last night I stayed with family who had a twin who died at birth 12 years ago. For the first time ever I asked them about him. Maybe your family and friends don't want to upset you, but I bet they always remember as I do my cousin.

Beatrice isn't cold at her grave. She's home warm and safe with Our Father and you will see her again. Beatrice's life was a miracle, a gift. The time now is a hard one when you hurt so much but I believe with everything in me that Bea is safe with God and you will see her again one day. I wish she was still with you here on earth, where you loved and cared for her so well but I know that she loves you still. Love goes on.

'Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away.'

I don't expect you can find any comfort in those thoughts now. In a future at indeterminate time, a future that relies only on faith in things we cannot see on earth. That's ok. The God I know and love loves me as I am, in my faults, in my hard times, in the times I scream that I do not understand and He loves me as I am. I know he loves you too and if your faith struggles now, don't fret because I have enough faith for you too and there are lots of others standing with me and we're not letting go.

janey68 Thu 24-Jan-13 20:35:19

There are people who have died close to my heart who I rarely talk about. But I think about them every day. I am sure it's the same with Beatrice. Even when people don't feel brave enough to say the words, they will be thinking about her. I also believe Beatrice's spirit, the part that makes her her is cosy and safe in yours and her daddy's hearts

Much love Cup. I think of you, and Bea, and the Teaset, often. She is not cold in her grave, she is warm in your heart.

Have faith.

thewhistler Thu 24-Jan-13 22:51:44

Cup,

Bea is forever. Her grave is just one way of remembering her, not the only one. The memory of her hating the cold is another, just as good.

The desire to hold on to the grief because it is a way of remembering is not uncommon, a colleague told me in RL about it about his baby and in one of the Anne of Green Gables books there is a most moving discussion of grief, of losing a lovely baby daughter. The author had lost a son. That might sound trite and silly, to quote a girl's book, but it might bring you some comfort too. You will never lose the essence of her. My DM has not lost the essence of my baby sister.

We are still here for you. My primroses are blooming bravely through the snow, though they don't like it either, like their namesake. Everytime I look at them I think of you, her, the teaset.

saffronwblue Fri 25-Jan-13 06:06:02

Dear cup. Three months is no time at all and yet sometimes it must feel like forever. You are in my thoughts.

Dutchoma Fri 25-Jan-13 12:41:50

Praying for you every day, Cup. Wondering how you are coping. If the weather wasn't so awful I would say come and have a coffee, but you probabbly don't want to drive at the moment.

Thank you Dutch. And thank you everyone else for your kind thoughts.

It would have been my Dad's 60th birthday today. I hope they have both had a fun time up there together. If I don't try and smile, I might never stop crying- for him, for her, for my darling girls, for dh, for myself...

It was my birthday on Monday, a horrible cold day, just another without my baby. But tomorrow night, I'm going out with friends to celebrate. I'm looking forward to laughing and dancing again, even for a short while. smile

Oh I'm so sorry cup, I'm more of a lurker than a poster but please don't think you are less than your dh or that he is "better" than you, everyone handles grief differently and there is no greater grief than yours. Beatrice is beautiful and she is only ever a heartbeat away from her mummy. X

Dutchoma Sat 26-Jan-13 10:18:54

That's excellent news Cup going out with friends. Have a wonderful time.
The sun is shining here, what a difference that makes.

Dancing - that sounds like a great idea. Hope you have a lovely time and manage to enjoy yourself for a few hours.

thewhistler Sat 26-Jan-13 17:33:31

Cup,

I try always to light a candle in my mins around 7 for you, I hope on Monday that it will be for you with friends.

Birthdays are funny things. Friends are great.

fhdl34 Sat 26-Jan-13 23:28:19

I hope you're laughing and dancing tonight cup, and enjoying some time with your friends. You're always in my thoughts, especially Beatrice xxx

Trumpton Sun 27-Jan-13 21:50:41

Not a day goes by that I do not think about Bea the Beautiful. She is not cold , you know , but warm and safe in the arms of Our Lord and with your darling Dad.

I,too , hope you found some joy from being with your friends.

fluffypillow Mon 28-Jan-13 23:38:16

Just wanted to let you know that I think of you and your little Bea often. Such a beautiful baby, never forgotten. Lots of love x

pannetone Tue 29-Jan-13 11:50:56

Remembering Beatrice too and thinking of you Cup and all the Teaset as you journey on with her forever in your hearts. Your posts speak so eloquently of your physical loss, but I love reading about the regular 'ordinary' times you had with Beatrice - reading stories and snuggling her up with her sisters,then you tenderly tucking her up in bed. Whilst Beatrice was here we often (naturally) heard more about your struggles and it is lovely to read about all the 'everyday' joy that you had. Not that anyone could call your life 'ordinary' or 'everyday.' Beatrice saw to that! And she transformed your lives - and those of many others - and she will continue to do so.

Thank you for continuing to share Beatrice with us Cup. x

thewhistler Thu 31-Jan-13 19:21:04

Cup thinking of you.

pearlgirl Fri 01-Feb-13 16:35:34

Thinking of you and all your girls.

thewhistler Fri 01-Feb-13 18:52:40

And again, as it approaches that difficult loving routine time.

Thank you very much for staying with me. I could talk forever of the normal things we did smile We used to go to Costa together. I'd order a cup of tea and toast and I'd give her a cuddle as my tea cooled down. She'd usually fall asleep in my arms so I'd lay her down in her buggy and enjoy my breakfast. Then, at some point, she would wake up and be all eyes, looking for me. Then I'd hold her again and play with her little sensory dolly, helping her to hold the bumpy plastic in her hand.

We used to go to the library together and I'd read her stories. Whenever we went out in the car, I'd play the music nice and loud for her to hear. When I turned off the engine, she would always take one very loud breath, almost like a sigh, to let me know she was still there. She liked going to church because of the singing. I have a bag of blankets that I keep in the boot of my car. In the warmer months, I would lay them out on the grass and put an umbrella up. I would fashion a way to keep her upright and we'd lay together in the warmth. I would give her grass to hold in her hand and tell her about the children playing nearby, or the ducks on the brook.

She loved the cinema, and music therapy. She liked the sensory toys at the Children's Centre. She enjoyed cuddles with her sisters as they watched iCarly on the TV. She didn't like the cold, and hated the feel of snow. Dh always gave her baths, and she loved being in the warm water. She hated the beach, and got very cross when we took her to the evening entertainment at Haven!

I miss normal with her. I have so much normal now, but I'd give it all back to have another day with her, even if that day was spent cooped up in a hospital ward.

I never wrote down what happened at the post mortem meeting at the hospital. The geneticist was there, and she was very helpful. She explained that they have some of Beatrice's DNA left and they are going to use it in a trial, to see if they can work out whether her condition was caused by recessive genes from dh and I, or whether her condition was de novo. Dr Doom apologised that she was given more morphine than I had agreed to. I saw it written in red in her notes and on her drug chart that I'd only consented to 0.3ml, but she was given 1.6ml when I was asleep. I assume this was down to staffing shortages. However, she explained that 1.6ml was still within the safe limits for her weight, and she would have died because her brain stem was underdeveloped, meaning she was just working too hard to keep everything functioning. Eventually, it all got too much for her. Her heart ventricles were thickening and her blood pressure was twice as high as a normal child. She was just worn out and her body was tired of working so hard to stay with us. I'm 'glad' it was a combination of things that ended her life, I couldn't bear to think of her death being caused by human error.

I have contacted the hospice to ask for help for dd1 and myself. Dd1 has been having problems with a certain child at school, and her head teacher thinks she could benefit from counselling as she is 'over sensitive'. I need help because I am at rock bottom. I feel like I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I have so much turmoil in my head, I don't know what to do with myself.

Dh talks about having another baby, which I would love, but I also have the option of going full time at work later in the year, which I would also love. I feel like I am standing on a precipice and I don't know which way to fall. I don't feel in any frame of mind to make any big decisions without talking through my feelings with someone neutral.

Dutchoma Mon 04-Feb-13 13:50:06

Still here, still looking and praying for you.

FightingForSurvival Mon 04-Feb-13 14:21:45

Talk as much as you like. I enjoyed reading all about your days with Bea. One day at a time.

CarrieDon Mon 04-Feb-13 19:17:40

Lovely to hear of all those precious times you shared with Beatrice, cup .
It sounds as though you developed such a lovely, intimate rapport with her, I'm sure Beatrice knew how much you loved her.

thewhistler Mon 04-Feb-13 19:43:21

Cup, lovely to hear from you. Talk and talk and talk.

Your tales of Beatrice are so moving, write them down from here in due course, they will be a memento for you but also if you can ever bear to share something so precious and personal, something important for people working in this area.

I'm glad it wasn't human error, both for the nurse concerned and especially for you and your sense of why wasn't I awake.

I think you are brilliant, brave and right to find counselling for your Dd and you, perhaps the other Dd and your DH idc. There comes a time when the burden is overwhelming. If you don't strike lucky with the counsellor first go, find another. As a Dr said to Ds last week, you have to find the one that fits you.

I always think of you at 7 even if I don't always text. I haven't found your description of going to Lourdes on the other thread but will do at some point, v interested as one of the turning points in my life was serving in the baths there.

Remember, you surrounded Beatrice with love, and she gave it back to you. Nothing else matters in her life, ultimately. That love will never die, unlike our fragile bodies.

Whorulestheroost Mon 04-Feb-13 19:45:40

She sounds like such a wonderful girl who brought so much joy and happiness to your lives. The loss must be overwhelming. I know I would need another baby in my arms to hold, not that it could ever ever replace Beatrice. Only you will know what is the right way to fall, much love xx

fhdl34 Mon 04-Feb-13 19:58:33

Thank you so much for sharing your precious memories of Bea, what a wonderful life you and the whole teaset gave her. You all shared precious, individual memories with her, which will stay with you all, always x

thewhistler Our time in Lourdes was breathtaking. It really was the best week of my life, not just with Beatrice, but as an individual. I have never felt as whole as I did that week. I recall events from our time there with such peace, I really can't explain it. As you know, it's such a small place, and the outskirts of the Grotto are just tacky and touristy! But just knowing that everyone is there for incredibly similar reasons, well that is something magical that words can't describe adequately. It is like being in a beautiful bubble with colours sorrounding you that you've never seen before- breathtaking. I know I came back on my thread here when we returned home and tried to describe how our time in Lourdes had been the balm to sooth a wound that I didn't even realise I'd had. I knew life was difficult, and I needed a 'cure', but I didn't know where to look for it. Lourdes just came along and eased things without me realising.

My girls are desperate to go back in August- they talk about it most days. I will begin to put the wheels in motion to ensure that this happens somehow. I want to go back and re-visit the happy places I shared with Beatrice, and light a candle for her. I lit one last year, stood in front of it and promised that I would bring Beatrice back to Lourdes. I can't do that physically, but I can take her back in my heart, just as I take her everywhere with me. At the time of lighting the candle, I was stood with another mum whose daughter has MLD (a life-limiting disease), and we both promised to make the return trip this year. I went to visit her and her beautiful dd in their home on Saturday- she is still with us and living her short life as best she can. I hope I can at least hold her hand in Lourdes this August, even if I can't hold Beatrice's.

KateUnrulyBush Tue 05-Feb-13 04:18:54

Still here Cup. I remember what a special time Lourdes was for you all. It was all a bit of a whirlwind too wasn't it? Quite unexpected and a much needed tonic at the time. I hope you make it back there too smile

pannetone Tue 05-Feb-13 18:34:33

Poignant timing Cup for the post you wrote last night about your time in Lourdes. I was at church at our monthly healing mass. We always start with praise songs before the mass itself begins. Then just as the priest was coming in during the entrance hymn, probably just as you were posting, I felt a strong urge to go and lit a candle for Beatrice and for healing for all the Teaset. Normally people light candles before the service starts but it felt important to do it, so I left the pew and did. So while you were posting about the candle you lit for Beatrice in the Grotto at Lourdes, another was being lit for her.

I'm so glad that you experienced such 'wholeness' in Lourdes and I pray that you will be able to return this summer with Beatrice in your heart, and your lovely DD1 and DD2 at your side, eager to do their own 'remembering'. x

thewhistler Tue 05-Feb-13 19:24:31

It is extraordinary, isn't it. I dragged my husband there, a Presbyterian by background, and he was overwhelmed. The tackiness is both yukky and part of it. I love the cafes on the sides of streets that would in Paris have chairs both sides of the table but in Lourdes the outer area is left for wheel chairs. U love the fact that cafes have double doors so you and your mate on z stretcher can have coffee together. I love the grotto. I love the fact that someone said to a friend who was going to wheel them out of the 6 pm storm, can I stay out? I haven't felt rain for 10 years, and of course the response was Sure, we will just dry you off later. I love the evening processions with the wee Belgian minors in their helmets. And I felt acceptance two years ago of something I had struggled with.

I am sure you are right to go back and soak up the atmosphere with Bea in tour heart.

Trumpton Fri 08-Feb-13 09:00:59

Dear Cup, your words , as always , touch my heart . Bea brought so much love with her. I think of her whenever I light a candle .

TCOB Sat 09-Feb-13 21:11:39

I walked past beautiful butter-yellow primroses today, bravely showing their lovely faces to the bitter cold, and I thought of Beatrice, who stayed for a year that science could not understand - who stayed to shine her little light because her mummy's love held her here. What wonderful things she and you did for eachother; and what amazing love x

Our vicar has just confirmed that we cannot have the headstone we wanted for Beatrice's grave, the one dd2 chose.

It feels like the final insult really, that we cannot honour her memory in a way that suits our family. All her life we struggled to do things for Beatrice, this just feels like one final kick in the teeth.

It's made me sure about one thing though, I really want to write about Beatrice's life. I'm not sure how, or in what format, but I don't want her life story forgotten. It might be a way to help me keep her memory alive, who knows?

pannetone Mon 11-Feb-13 17:59:26

Saying a prayer for Beatrice and the Teaset today on the feast day of our Lady of Lourdes. x

pannetone Mon 11-Feb-13 18:11:43

Cross-posted with you Cup. So sorry that you can't have the headstone you want.

Please do honour Beatrice's life by writing her story - which is now the story of the whole Teaset. I won't forget Beatrice - nor will so many of those whose lives she touched - but please write it all down so it is 'together'. I don't quite know what form it would take, but could it incorporate some of your posts? They are such a heartfelt record of Beatrice's life and your continuing journey.

FashionFail Mon 11-Feb-13 18:34:16

I'd been wanting to say that to you, Cup, but didn't want to hassle you. I'm sure Mumsnet would recreate the Bea threads for you, as an aide-memoire. I can't help feeling that a record of Beatrice's life, and your love for her, would be of immense value.

FashionFail Mon 11-Feb-13 18:34:36

('Tis Carole, by the way)

Carole, what do you think I would need to ask MNHQ to help with? I'm at a bit of a loss as to where I should start, but anything I wrote would most definitely be based around what I have written about Beatrice on here.

thewhistler Mon 11-Feb-13 19:21:02

I'm sure it would help people who care for sick littlies, as well as their parents.

Talk to MNHQ about intellectual copyright as well.

Thewhistler Please could you PM me about what is meant by intellectual copyright if you have time, as you can see, I really don't know where to start...

starfishmummy Mon 11-Feb-13 19:41:43

Cup, I am so sorry that you can't have the headstone you want for Bea.

FashionFail Mon 11-Feb-13 20:57:02

I'm not sure if any of the Bea threads have been deleted, as over 90 days old. You would want the Baby Bus ones too. If so, they could bring them back for you. Shall I ask?

Why can't you have the headstone that DD2 chose? Sorry if I am being nosy.

saffronwblue Wed 13-Feb-13 09:40:40

Cup you write so beautifully about Bea. I think any parent or anyone who loves a child would love to read what you write.

thewhistler Wed 13-Feb-13 18:00:09

What did you want?

Today I met with a MNetter who has been through the tragic loss of their child, and I found so much comfort in talking to her that it got me thinking about the last 17 months.

A while ago, I found myself on a journey. At the beginning I didn't know what the destination of this journey was, and I wasn't sure I wanted to start walking, but start walking I did.

Along the way, I met some wonderful people. People who are walking journeys of their own, but who took the time, and gave me the encouragement to help me face my own journey. At times, there were joyful places, places I never knew existed. Sights so wondrous, I never thought they were meant for me to see. Other times I got lost, and sat down in despair. But these people helped me up and gently encouraged me to keep going.

I faced forks in the roads, and I turned to my friends to help make a decision, even though I knew the ultimate choice had to be my own. Along the way, I lost some friends and although I was sad and frustrated at the time, I realise now that their paths had strayed too far from my own. I couldn't see them anymore and perhaps they didn't feel comfortable watching me, anyway.

I felt disheartened many times when the road was too bumpy, or too uphill, too windy or too dark. But out of the darkness, I could feel comforting hands at my back, urging me to keep going. I met people who I felt were putting obstacles in my way, but I tried to remind myself that they weren't doing it to be unkind, they were just doing what they saw fit.

In October last year, I reached a really tough part of the road. In fact, things became so confusing and distraught, that I wondered if I too, had come to the end. After a while though, the faces of my children, family and friends were waiting ahead of me, and I knew I must go on, even if it hurt to put one foot in front of another.

I am currently walking through a quagmire and my feet are feeling too tired to keep going. I'm not sure where my path is leading me anymore, but sometimes I worry that it is taking me back to the beginning of the road. That could be seen by others as a good thing; after all I didn't want to start this journey, did I?

But deep down I know I'm not going back, because that starting place doesn't exist for me anymore. Along my walk, I've suffered blisters on my feet and callouses on my heart. My head is foggy and tired and the light in this place is dim so that I can't presently see where I am going.

But today, I met with one of my new friends who has been walking a similar road as mine. Our paths crossed today, and together we held hands and looked backwards at how far we had travelled and we cried together and talked about the good and and bad patches. My friend is slightly further along this journey, and her strong mind and kind words helped me to turn back around and take a little step in the right direction.

I still don't know where I am going, none of us do. But I do knowthat wherever I am headed I go there with Beatrice tucked safely in my head and my heart. I wouldn't have started this journey without her, and I know from looking back that she carried me lots of the time with her quiet determination and innocent love. I owe it to her now to make the rest of my journey and carry her with the same love and determination.

If you are one of the people who has read Beatrice's story at any point, and has offered us even the smallest of your best wishes, please count yourself as one of those people who lifted me up out of the mud, helped me regain my balance and take a shaky step onwards. I couldn't have done this without Beatrice, and without all of you. Thank you smile

Dutchoma Wed 13-Feb-13 20:07:51

Sending as much love as you can cope with.

thewhistler Wed 13-Feb-13 21:10:52

Cup, as ever your words sing. Callouses on the heart, yes.

But continue the struggle, " say not the struggle not availeth... for westward look, the land is bright."

You take Bea, as she takes you, and you will find her too, in the end.

fhdl34 Wed 13-Feb-13 21:45:30

Cup you really write so beautifully, with so much love and truth, it brings tears to my eyes. Beatrice was so loved, by so many, I doubt there was a baby that has been loved more by so many who never even knew her.
I hope MNHQ can help you get all the threads together so you can perhaps start to put something together.
I'll never forget Bea, and I'm sure others won't either xx

eightytwenty Wed 13-Feb-13 21:59:52

Just beautiful cup. What a heart breaking description of your journey. And yes we are with you in thought and spirit.

Trumpton Wed 13-Feb-13 22:05:12

I truly hope that I am one of the ones who helped to lift you.
I bought some wonderful candles this week and thought of Beatrice when I lit the lantern with flying birds in it.
Sat here with tears on my face and love in my heart.

idlevice Wed 13-Feb-13 22:21:39

I don't think I have posted on one of your threads before. Everytime I read them though I feel short of breath, a lurch in my stomach & an ache in my heart that is both painful & sweet due to your words describing your journey with & without Bea. Basically it feels like being in love which is of course the essence of what you are writing. It really struck me that your writing could well work in a different forum. Bea would be so proud & it would be an amazing thing for all the family so please take all the encouragement you need from MNers to try whatever form it takes.

saffronwblue Wed 13-Feb-13 22:25:40

Cup I don't know what to say except that through MN being virtually on your journey has been such a privilege. I cannot know or imagine your pain at such a huge loss but know that you and Bea have brought insights and hope to many, many people that you will never meet.

It is a privilege to have been able to share in your journey Cup and to have known Beatrice the Brave through the love you have written for her.

Take heart and good luck as you continue along the road.

Squiglettsmummy2bx Thu 14-Feb-13 03:06:27

Wide awake pondering my own troubles cup & I thought of you, Bea & your teaser & had to pop in & see how you are. I'm sorry you can't have the headstone you want but know that whatever you do finally get will be beautiful. As others have said you have an amazing way with words & writing everything down sounds like a fantastic idea. Your little Bea is carried in so many hearts & has touched us all at mn. Sending you love & hugs x

FashionFail Thu 14-Feb-13 13:44:34

can't type through tears

bishboschone Thu 14-Feb-13 23:21:49

I always think of you and Beatrice .( and all the teaset) . You must write it all down, as others have said your writing is so heartfelt and touching.

Things have been quite busy since I last posted on Wednesday. On Thursday, I went to work as usual, but my mind was really confused. I was struggling terribly to concentrate on people talking to me, and I was, quite frankly terrified. I could see people talking, hear their words, but they made no sense at all. Once in the office I tried to concentrate on a task which I found I couldn't, and I could hear two of my senior colleagues having a conversation next to me, but it made no sense at all. One of them mentioned that I didn't look myself, and with that I collapsed into tears. They were lovely and asked what was wrong, had something happened, had someone upset me, but I could hardly talk to answer them. They gave me all the time I needed, but I sobbed on them for half an hour, trying to explain my feelings but I couldn't articulate what I was feeling properly. I text dh and asked him if he could make me a doctor's appointment, as I felt so frightened to be me.

I know one of the things that had upset me, but irrationally so, is that a close colleague went on Thursday to look around a special school with a view to applying for a job vacancy there. The thing is, this is the special school Beatrice was going to attend, had she lived. I wrote on here about how I took her around the school with the head teacher and fell in love with the place. The head had encouraged me to apply for a place in the pre-nursery unit as they can accept children from 18 months, with their settling in sessions starting as early as 15 months. So, it just felt too close to home. I was terrified of people asking my friend about the school in my earshot, as I knew I wouldn't cope well. It's YET ANOTHER reminder that Beatrice doesn't have a future.

On Friday, I had a better day and went to see the doctor after work. I'd never seen him before and he listened, but his solution to my panic attacks was to sign me off work again, which I refused. So, I've got to go back on Friday to see how this week has been.

Saturday, we had our first bereaved parents group at the hospice. It was hard to be back there, but comforting all the same. Just being there reminds me of the comfort we felt there with Beatrice. I cried a lot remembering her life, but I also felt immense proud when sharing her courage with the group. I can't really talk about the group in respect for the other parents there, but suffice to say it was 'good' to meet other parents who are bereaved after caring for their disabled child. It's a loss like no other, I'm sure as even knowing your child is life-limited, their eventual death is still a shock and a terrible trauma. Sometimes I get the impression people think it must be easier to lose Beatrice as I knew she was going to die. People also say, 'You had so much more time with her than you should have though, she wasn't meant to live a day.' But I know that if Beatrice had outlived me, I still wouldn't have spent enough hours with my darling girl. Of course I am grateful for the 13 months, but am I bitter that we didn't get more? Damn straight I am.

On leaving the hospice, I received a call from my best friend's husband. She had been taken into hospital last week at 35 weeks pregnant with pre-eclampsia and I hadn't felt able to visit her in the same wards where I gave birth to Beatrice, around the corner from the room where she took her last breath. Anyway, he told me that she'd been rushed in for a crash section on Saturday morning and gave birth to their son. I was so worried for my friend, the shock of the birth coming early, I don't know, but I lost it again. I just felt completely bereft as if her dh's words had torn me open. He contacted me again later at night to say the baby was cold and in an incubator and my friend was in a bad way with low platelets, the doctors were worried for her. So I couldn't sleep last night, I just felt sick with worry for her. Eventually I heard from her by text this afternoon and her and her son are now fine and dandy. I'm happy that she is recovering but I am... numb? It's been another week of 'too much'. It might not seem like much to others, or perhaps it does, I'm not sure. I've lost all sense of perspective on life. But I feel completely and utterly drained by it all.

The hospice talked to us all before we left about self care; having laid open our souls and battered ourselves with a torrent of emotions, they warned us that we would be feeling vulnerable on going back into the real world, and we should be kind on ourselves for the afternoon at least. I'm not sure the shock of hearing about a traumatic birth involving my friend who I consider a sister was not the gentle 'self care' the counsellor had in mind... I'm so sick of the way the grief makes me this self-centered. I wish I could look outside of myself more but everything I experience feels like a personal insult.

thewhistler Sun 17-Feb-13 19:28:08

Cup,

Was thinking of you anyway at this time, but want to applaud you for laying yourself so open. You have some much courage.

People just don't know what to say, do they? Whether it is a child or adult, death is always a shock. And of course you want to keep your child.

Grief makes us all raw. Anything can lay us open, we have lost layers of skin. Your poor friend, I completely understand. And the special.school as well. Lots of things that could seem little to others, though especially in the case of your friend I don't think they would, trigger strong reactions.

And of course, because Beatrice was so dependent on you, you feel the loss even more acutely. All children give purpose to their parents, but dependency increases it.

If you can accept that not only is it normal but it is necessary, this is part of you and Beatrice, then it might feel easier. But don't feel you ought to avoid ADs if your Dr offers them, they can help to take a little of the edge off which can help daily life.

So glad you met others at the hospice. You will be able to support each other in RL and know that what might seem odd outside the group is normal for it.

Have you thought about working part time for a bit? Your body and mind have been stretched to the utmost. They need to recover, together. Or could you go to a spa with a close friend for a weekend, where you could cry and be pampered?

Thinking of you,

Dutchoma Sun 17-Feb-13 21:25:23

Bob and I continue to pray for you often. May God's peace surround you and lift you up.

Lovethesea Sun 17-Feb-13 21:39:45

Hey cup, I think of you, Bea and the rest of the teaset often. I check in here to see if you've posted. I remember my excitement when you got your passports sorted for Lourdes. I'm glad you are going back there this summer. I've never been but the community feeling of care and love sounds so warm.

All I can do is pray that as you and your family walk through the valley of the shadow of death you will fear no evil; as you grieve and mourn it can be without being afraid.

You will be with your beloved Beatrice again. Lourdes was just a tiny foretaste of being happy with your girls.

Just wanted to say I am thinking of you Cup and wish you strength to cope.

I woke up this am deciding to let you know that, for different reasons (eg caring for my mother with Alzheimer's) , I too had the experience of people talking to me and feeling as if I wasn't there etc. what helped? It turned out that this experience was in part due to a depleted level of serotonin so AD did work to replace the low serotonin alongside psychotherapy AND advice to keep away from others who are low and yo try to find things to do which are fun. All of this really helped me. This may be relevant to you maybe not but I just had to write this seeing you described exactly how I felt my world was around me.

Ps when stressed, serotonin levels drop low.

gingergran Tue 19-Feb-13 12:27:23

Sending hugs xx

I had my first counselling session yesterday with a lady from the hospice. I found it a really useful exercise as I was able to tell her anything and she didn't judge me, in fact she said I am quite normal wink.
I asked for some tips to deal with some personal situations that I'm struggling with, and she helped me to identify that they are triggers for me and it's perfectly okay to not be okay with them. She advised me to remain open and honest with people and let them know when I am finding thongs too hard. I told her that I find it hard to do that, I worry about saying the wrong thing and offending people, so I just pretend I'm okay and go along with things. But she said it's better to be honest and kind with myself and if it upsets people, well so be it.

saffronwblue Wed 20-Feb-13 09:26:33

Oh cup that sounds like such good advice. I hope it helped you to spend some time with someone who understands what you are going through. Your feelings are so much more important than sparing others.x

Dutchoma Wed 20-Feb-13 10:30:58

So pleased to hear you had this support Cup.
I am finding the help I get from our local hospice so incredibly useful: the non-judging, the knowing-where-you're-at, it is all so helpful.
Thank God for hospice care.

So pleased you had a good session.

Of course you are normal!

thewhistler Wed 20-Feb-13 23:20:27

As exit says. We have all known you are normal!

But great to have it confirmed in RL and to be able to talk to an expert.

And people who can't cope, that's their problem, not yours.

Thumbwitch Tue 26-Feb-13 10:07:28

Haven't been on your thread for a while Cup - but I'm so pleased you have had a good counselling session. I hope that you can continue to see this lady for as long as you need to - sounds like she could be very helpful to you.
Work will get easier, eventually. You're still on emotional overload, entirely understandably - so you have several layers of normal protection missing at the moment and as a result you're shutting down rather than being able to process what's going on in everyday life (kind of like going into shock on a regular basis).

You'll get there. xx

Today was a low day. Nothing much to report, but I just felt incredibly... 'bleurgh'. It has been said to me that after your child dies, you live your life in a state of numbness. I can never again be 100% happy, how can I be without my darling ray of sunshine? But on the flip side, I will (please, God) never experience any crushing lows- how could anything be as painful as when my baby took her last, shaky breath? So numbness is the way forward- no highs, no lows. Slight peaks and troughs, but nothing to make me feel alive. Today was one of those days when I experienced the numbness full on.

I had a check up with the GP and he asked how I was feeling. I explained that not much has changed in my mood since the last time I saw him, although my anxiety is heightened. He replied that he disagreed with me. Ha! I almost laughed. Almost. I think I've heard it all now- ask me how I'm feeling, then tell me I'm wrong and that I don't know my own mind. Okay. He wanted to prescribe me with beta blockers, but as the side effects are nightmares, slowing down etc I politely declined. He said I can't be feeling the same, as I have had a counselling session since the last time I saw him. He also said I was lucky when I mentioned the counselling can last for a year- he said that this length would never be on offer with the NHS. Yes I am very lucky, that the Hospice is providing me with this fantastic resource. Of course I wish I didn't have to access it though. I don't feel lucky that my Bea is dead. Never mind, another bad experience, but not one that I shall dwell on, it hardly rates highly on my list!

One experience that did shake me though happened last week. I approached a company that specialises in children's headstones, and my dds chose a beautiful tribute for their baby sister. It was a teddy bear leaning over the top of a star. The wording we wanted was to be written in pink. The company came back to us and said that our application would not be approved as it did not meet the requirements of the Diocese where we live. We were incredibly disappointed, but took some time to choose something else- something much less interesting and appropriate for the baby's grave that it will be marking. We thought we had followed the guidelines closely and expected it to be approved, even though it was not what we wanted, not even close.

Last week, I received an email from the company. They said even the second application would not be approved, due to the dark granite we had chosen. They 'helpfully' attached a quote for a stone that they felt would be accepted by our Diocese. On opening it, the first words I read were, 'Born Sleeping'. I felt bile rise in my throat as I realised this headstone was not for my baby girl. She lived a life, short as it was and how lucky we all were to have experienced that. On closer inspection, I read the details of a darling little girl who was born sleeping. They had given me all of her parents' details and the inscription they had chosen for their precious girl, who did not get the chance to live 13 treasured months. I felt overwhelming sadness for this baby, and her parents and then the anger came swiftly after the pain.

How dare they make such a stupid error? I know to err is human, and these things happen, but in that moment, I felt pure rage! It totally summed up the whole process of trying to organise Beatrice's headstone. We can't have the stone we want, the colour, the wording, the colour of the wording... So basically, she will have a lump of stone and the words might as well be those written for another child- who cares what they say? They won't be perfect for my girl. She lived her life in her own inimitable style, her funeral was personalised to her and now...? Tough. She can have a stone that the Diocese choose, with the name and dates of another baby on it. Rage. Pure rage and then a choking in my throat of hot tears that threatened to spill if I let them. Time to take a deep breath and focus on what to do next...

I emailed the company and very politely pointed out their error and informed them that I had deleted the little baby's details they had sent me in error. I also expressed concern that they may have sent Beatrice's details elsewhere. Their response was quick, and they made the briefest of apologies, which made my decision for me. I cannot work with a company who just see Beatrice as another dead child. Not her, no way. So, on my mother's advice, I picked myself up anew, and put the rage behind me. Dh contacted the local stonemasons who created my Nan's and Dad's headstones and they were so very helpful. They told dh what we could have, and felt that our wording should be approved after all. I'm sure it won't come as any surprise that under her name and dates, we want inscribed, 'A life filled with love, is a life worth living.'

Thumbwitch Tue 26-Feb-13 21:49:41

Oh Cup. So sorry you had to go through that with the headstone people. Of course, your chosen inscription is so perfect - beautiful and apt for Beatrice. And has me bawling at my laptop.
So much love to you all, you brave woman.

(kick the GP in the nads next time you see him and when he winces, tell him it can't possibly hurt!)

Honestly Cup, I despair at some of the people you have had to put up with. Your perfect inscription made me burst into tears as well.

I suppose I can understand why Diocese want to keep some controls over headstones, but it does seem harsh. I am surprised though that they have to approve the wording.....

I've only just read your story but I'm in awe of your strength in the face of some completely shitty situations. You're amazing. flowers

saffronwblue Wed 27-Feb-13 08:42:51

Oh cup it shouldn't be like this. I am so sorry to hear that you are having to deal with such massive insensitivity on every front.
I hope that you are able to get the right headstone for Bea. You certainly have chosen the right words. x

That is so bad Cup - your GP obviously has had an empathy bypass, how dare he suggest how you might be feeling. Is there another you can see next time? I do hope so.

As for the headstone, it seems incredible that a company dealing with bereaved families can be quite so insensitve, you did so well NOT to go mad at them. Your chosen inscription is beautiful, you have such a way with words. Best wishes.

thewhistler Wed 27-Feb-13 18:28:32

What a perfectly awful GP. How extraordinarily condescending, infuriating and emotionally illiterate. Insensitive does not begin to describe it.

I'm sorry about the Diocese. I know they are often strict. But your stone masons sound much nicer and v sensible. Our ones in my home village turn a blind eye to many of the rules, though not all of them.

So, instead, or rather as well, can you create another lasting memorial to Bea? Somewhere where you bury a timecapsule with the words you would have had, and put stones on it, adding a stone from each of you from time to time? So you create a memorial cairn? And if archaeologists dig it up in 1000 years they will find the memory of a perfect child? Or bury it in a river bank where butterflies will pass?

zebrafinch Sat 02-Mar-13 10:26:37

The inscription you have chosen is beautiful.
I think about Beatrice and your family often.
Take care of yourselfCup

fhdl34 Sat 02-Mar-13 21:46:09

What a fitting inscription. I'm so sorry you had to go through that with that awful company, they should be ashamed of themselves.

Trumpton Fri 08-Mar-13 05:11:29

My thoughts are with you and, as always, your words touch my heart. As this weekend approaches take care of yourself and cherish the memories of your beautiful butterfly girl .

pearlgirl Fri 08-Mar-13 21:13:41

Just checking in - have been thinking of you and your girls today.

Beatrice is only ever a heartbeat away, thinking of you and your family.

CarrieDon Sat 09-Mar-13 17:48:49

Still thinking of your beautiful Bea. Take care x

Oh Beatrice, where are you? Mummy's heart is hurting today. I've got too much love in it and it aches. I wish you were here then I could hug away the hurt. I haven't sung your songs in so long. I miss you so much and i can't be a mummy without you. You took so much of my identity with you when you left me, I don't know who I'm meant to be anymore but the remainder of me doesn't make for a very good person. You helped me grow Beatrice, you taught me so much but now those lessons are wasted, I've got nothing to use them for. I'm lost.
Mothers Day. Well, that's not a day meant for me anymore. I'm not a mother, not without you here. I'm a carcass of who I once was. You made me a good person, Beatrice, and you took it all with you. I hope that means you still have the best of me and our love, wherever you are.

Trumpton Sun 10-Mar-13 11:37:51

But you are still a mother. A mother to Bea who was with you for such a short time and a mother to your girls who love you so much and who you love too. i am so sorry for the pain you are in. I light a candle and send you love.

TCOB Sun 10-Mar-13 14:03:42

Cup - you are always Bea's mummy and will be forever more. There is no waste in her short, incredible, beautiful, strong, meanginful, powerful life. She was small and mighty because of her mother and all she ever knew was love. Happy Mother's Day to the greatest mother I have ever had the privilege to 'know' x

Trumpton Mon 11-Mar-13 05:44:34

Posting in the early hours to let you know that you were inmy thoughts yesterday and I lit my bird lantern and put it on the table with the cake that Dd1 made for tea. The birds are swallows but in my mind the shapes were butterflies swooping over the sunlit meadows.

Thanks for your kind words. We spent the rest of the day doing things Beatrice would have enjoyed- the cinema, church for Mothers' Day service where I sang very loudly, to make sure she could hear me. Some friends ran a local 10k run in her memory yesterday so we went to see them afterwards to say thank you and offer our congratulations. Then it was time for tea and an early night. I survived the day, as I knew I would. But I wish I could live again, rather than survive. But I don't want to live without Beatrice, so it's a fine line I'm walking. I'm so full of anger at the moment and it's making me very anxious and emotional. I can't wait to see my counsellor tomorrow as I need to offload and ask for advice. How can I 'live' with all this anger, when I know that I'm not ready to let go of it, either? I don't want to be happy for other people yet, but being jealous of them and angry with them isn't making me any happier either. What am I looking for? What do I want? I'm so mixed up at the moment it's like wading through treacle.

Rowgtfc72 Mon 11-Mar-13 19:56:20

Cup,have followed your story from the start and post occasionally. Didnt want you to think your post had gone unread. Hope your appointment tomorrow helps you make some sense of what youre feeling .

Squiglettsmummy2bx Mon 11-Mar-13 20:07:08

Oh cup, I think of you all often & wonder how you are doing. I'm sorry it is all so hard& hope offloading helps you.
Big hugs & much love xxx

PlentyOfFreeTime Wed 13-Mar-13 00:13:05

Cup
It feels right now like the anger will never pass - but it will.
Take care
xxx

MNPin2013 Wed 13-Mar-13 19:21:40

The inscription is so Bea Cup and I am so glad you are now dealing with professional caring people. I would be tempted to do a trip advisor review of the other company just to vent.

I'm so up and down at the moment, I can't predict how I will feel at any given moment. I'm so consumed with jealousy and rage, and that energy keeps me going. But today I feel shattered. Bone tired with sadness and grief. I cried tonight all the way home from work. I can't get any pleasure from it at the moment, I feel such a fraud being there when my mind is always, always with Beatrice.
But coming home offers no comfort. It's too quiet without her here. I miss the hum of the oxygen concentrator and the beep of the sats monitor. That oxygen was keeping her alive, and the silence is a cruel reminder that she's gone.
I'm finding it so hard to remember the good times which terrifies me. This evening, I remembered when my mum first visited her at home and she looked in the Moses basket and began to cry. She said it was so sad as 'you get nothing back from her' because she couldn't respond to sounds then and would lie stiff and stare straight ahead. She'd be wrapped in multiple layers to keep her warm and she was so fragile. Like a porcelain doll. It's hard to think how much she grew and developed in her short life.
I just want her back, I can't cope without her and I don't want to cope without her. The pain is physical. It's a tight knot deep in my throat and it burns. I don't want to hurt anymore, I just want her home, tucked up with her mummy. I want to sing her songs and smooth her hair and kiss her over and over as I hug her tightly.
All those kisses I gave her, thousands because I knew they were time-limited. And still, they weren't enough. I'm starved of her, like oxygen to breathe, I need her back. My arms are so empty, but my heart is bursting. I need to give that love to her, but I can't.
Mummy needs you Beatrice, it's too hard.

Dutchoma Fri 15-Mar-13 22:49:24

Praying for you that you will sleep and rest in the secure knowledge that Beatrice is in a place where pain and grief can no longer touch her.

oneandnomore Fri 15-Mar-13 22:53:33

Oh cup, I know there are no words. Just know that if we could bear this terrible pain for you, we would.

I am so sorry that you are feeling so very low, it is so very early for you and your lovely family in your journey without the lovely Beatrice.

Look after yourself. xx

MelodyBaker Sat 16-Mar-13 07:32:08

cup I am so sorry. Bea will be watching over you, with god happy and no longer in pain.
You sound like a wonderful person from your posts and your love for your dc come through all off them.
X

sarahbanshee Sat 16-Mar-13 23:17:53

Oh cup. So sad for you. Remember a life filled with love IS a life worth living. It's true for you as it was true for your amazing Beatrice.

saffronwblue Sun 24-Mar-13 09:09:08

Cup I was listening to an old Seekers song and you and Bea came into my head.

^Though the carnival is over
I will love you till I die^

Your love and your pain are so strong. I don't know what to say except that so many people are thinking of you.

Saddayinspring Sun 24-Mar-13 11:59:16

Cup I have followed your thread and now find myself on the board with the death of my mum over the weekend.
I feel numb but know at the funeral it will be different.
However my experience contrasts with when I lost my father to a sudden cardiac arrest in the 1990 s when I had no experience of death and grief and was not expecting it at all.
There was a series of events that led up to his death such as missed calls and his sister being very ill at the time who then also died and my mum being very ill ( who was hospitalised but recovered, although disabled ) .
The grief I felt then was overwhelming and I could hardly breathe when I was told on the phone what had happened. The guilt and loss were just too much... I felt so responsible and desperately went over everything time and time again to try to sort it out and put it right while knowing I could n't. It was horrific and I couldn't go into shops hardly for fear of seeing reminders.. Father's Day cards golf accessories, songs, Scottish things. I had counselling with Cruse.. I could not even talk on the phone when I rang them I just sobbed.
I seemed to cry continuously for weeks, in the car, during conversations, at home.

I relate this just to try to soothe you... That was in 1999 and 14 yrs later I still love and respect my father above anyone else in the world but the pain eased and he is now a part of my life and personality within me. I still think of what he would say, his gentle ways etc but they provide me with pride and comfort now instead of intense pain.

The pain you feel is a reflection of how much you cared and how close your bond was.

I am so sorry you are going through this and I recognise the pain, I promise you it will ease but it may take a year or more, gradually improving.Cruse were very good but you have to be ready to talk before starting... For me that was a whole year after his death. I was still wracked with guilt and shock even then.

I wish you strength and hope x

Saddayinspring Sun 24-Mar-13 12:14:09

Sorry just to clarify.. I felt guilty and wanted to fix it because that is what I am like, I hadn't missed anything or done anything wrong at all. It was just part of the grief.